#i cant even fix my sleep schedule for shit

[awaara-bf]

Even as someone who absolutely hates how the current hip-hop scene in our country works I must say I find it quite alluring

[breadboylovin]

having the worst weekend ever in my life rn

[pixigels]

the demons have taken over me. heres my thread of romerica thoughts and incoherent rambling

america is an insomniac while romano is quite the opposite. america always tells himself that hes gonna fix his sleep schedule but he never does bcs he just cant... he'll always find himself wide eyed at 5am like always.

romerica did NOT meet and end in the 1920s. like canon says industrial revolution + economic growth in america aka the gilded for a reason guysss. now i dont think they were dating since then but they did not MEET in the start of the 20s. not rlly a hc its just a fleeting thought.

i do think they dated in the 1920s but throughout the whole time they never called it dating (because they are idiots) they were just gay and existing like a situationship ???? but like they were certainly not just friends if you know what i mean.

they didnt get back into their situationship activities until the 50s

30s they broke apart and then 40s was a complicated time that deserves its own post bcs a bullet point would not do its complexity justice.

romano bullies america for his taste in coffee food and everything else.

speaking of coffee their dynamic is so coffee au

america and roma are sun sign compatible bcs they are cancer and pisces. kinda like the moon and the tides of the ocean if you want to get all artistic (i ignore hetalia bdays when it comes to astrology hcs unless its convenient to me)

i personally find it so funny how in the manga romano seems to mentions that he lived with america like a decent amount of times like thats so silly to me and i like to think he does that way more often kinda like an old man who repeats a story over and over again and it makes everyone sick LIKE DAMN WE GET IT (alfred does this too)

i also like to think that they like to shit talk people. like i feel like alfred is kinda blunt/cant read the room and so is lovi but like in different ways but they are blunt with each other so they shit talk people together bcs thats what true couples do <3

i probably have more hcs but i either forgot atm or think its already too much of a common hc for me to mention yk. i pinky promise to make more romerica content. If romerica has a million fans, then I am one of them. If romerica has ten fans, then I am one of them. If romerica has only one fan then that is me. If romerica has no fans, then that means I am no longer on earth. If the world is against romerica, then I am against the world.

what im saying is ill die for romerica and will make self indulgent content just bcs i like it sm

if theres any inconsistencies in hcs, in specific the historical ones,pls correct me im not a history major ive only had a special interest in history (prior to hetalia bcs im a LOSER) for years so i end up bringing it up alot everywhere even in non hetalia related conversations O<-<

[milo-is-rambling]

My mother really out here telling me “you just make all the plans for driving and I’ll work around that” and then a couple days later once I’ve made plans and talked to people about shit she’s like hey actually you should come up a day earlier so you can get your grandparents (who are practically falling apart mentally and physically and my grandfather pisses himself and if he pees in the car that I am both sleeping and driving in I will be upset!!!) in the middle of Maine and drive them to New Hampshire for me bc I will be too tired from getting a three hour flight to go drive them :’( AS IF IM NOT DRIVING SIX HOURS OR MORE EVERY DAY FOR A WEEK HELLO??? YOU CANT DRIVE FIVE HOURS AFTER SLEEPING THE WHOLE TIME ON A THREE HOUR FLIGHT LIKE I KNOW ITS CRAMPED AND MISERABLE BUT YOU’RE GOING TO GO FROM A PLANE TO A NICE RENTAL CAR VS ME SLEEPING IN THE FUCKING TRUNK FOR A WEEK LIKE GIRL WHAT YOU ALREADY TOLD ME TO PLAN EVERYTHING AND NOW YOU’RE MOVING SHIT AROUND AND SHES ALL LIKE “well your aunt is gonna be visiting on the 11th so I have to get a flight on the 12th and then graduation is on the 13th early in the morning so I just won’t have time to go get them” LIKE GIRL THIS IS THE SAME AUNT THAT IS COMING TO OUR HOUSE FOR ONE SINGULAR DAY AND THEN WE WILL SEE HER AGAIN IN NEW HAMPSHIRE WHILE WE ARE ON OUR TRIP LIKE YOU LITERALLY TOLD ME “oh don’t worry about missing her we’re gonna do the graduation party at her house when we’re up north” AND THEN YOU WONT SHIFT YOUR PLANS ONE DAY TO FIX ALL OF THE SCHEDULING CONFLICTS BUT YOU WANT ME TO TWEAK A WHOLE WEEK OF DRIVING PLANS BACK A DAY TO MAKE IT MORE CONVENIENT FOR YOU and also I simply don’t want to. Also the garbage truck just passed bc I slept in and I don’t think we got the garbage out and I know we definitely didn’t get the trash from my room or bathroom out of the house and so now moms gonna be pissed at me for that god fuck this is so infuriating I am not planning a trip while on my period ever again I want to bite my mothers head off for even suggesting an alternate plan what is wrong with me I am such a bitch what the fuck no wonder she fucking hates me okay I am going back to bed she can figure this shit out later when she’s not slamming doors and yelling about work

[duvayknox]

THE NIGGAZ WHO ROBBED HEAVEN

A Black Pulp Flash Fiction Joint

1ST NIGGA: Listen forget about Robbing Heaven. Its surrounded by 12 Pearly Gates. Guarded by Cherubims. And they will cut your goddamn head off.

2ND NIGGA: I know somebody who lives there tho.

1ST NIGGA: Umph. So you got somebody on the Inside. Who?

2ND NIGGA: I cant tell you. You might know Him.

1ST NIGGA: So it is a HIM, huh?

2ND NIGGA: Uh —

1ST NIGGA: You might as well admit that much, man. You basically said YEAH already.

2ND NIGGA: True. So You right. Its a Brotha frum Another Mutha. He got me squared away on sum shit.

1ST NIGGA: Like what?

2ND NIGGA: He kno a back way into heaven.

1ST NIGGA: Wont Work. You must come in at the Front Door. First thing in da Morning. Dats Mandatory.

2ND NIGGA: True. It IS Mandatory. Butt thats only if you new — or you never been there before. You gotta go thru Orientation. Butt when you Been To Heaven Before, you dont have to go to Orientation. Dats da Loophole.

1ST NIGGA: So you sayin you BEEN to Heaven already?

2ND NIGGA: Yeah. I was there about 6,000 years ago. Then, I Got kicked out for Letting my Chariot Swing Low when I was Riding it. I Died here on earth from a Lynching by some Hooded Angels in White Robes. And went back to heaven for the Second time. Saw some more Angels walking around in White Robes — which confused the hell outta me. Then, I Got Kicked out again for the second time for Flying around heaven all day and drinking up the last of the milk and honey. Now, Im on my last go round.

1ST NIGGA: Hmmmmmm.

2ND NIGGA: You dont believe me?

1ST NIGGA: Its not dat.

2ND NIGGA: Well, what then?

1ST NIGGA: You think you can really steal the Heavenly Treasures in broad daylight?

2ND NIGGA: Not Think. I know I can. They are only guarded by one Deity.

1ST NIGGA: And who is that?

2ND NIGGA: Guess?!

1ST NIGGA: Jesus?

2ND NIGGA: Nah. God, himself.

1ST NIGGA: Hell, he never SLEEPS tho. So aint no possible way you can steal them Heavenly Treasures, man.

2ND NIGGA: Nah, God Sleeps my Nigga. In fact, he sleeps a lot. He just sleeps with his Eyes open so peeple only think he awake.

1ST NIGGA: How you know all this?

2ND NIGGA: I told you, man. I got a Nigga on da inside. Plus: I been to Heaven enuff to know whats up with God. He be sleep on the Job. He dont be Watching Peeple like dat on Earth for real. And Peep this: His sleep schedule is real simple: whenever you see the Moon dat means he Sleep. And when you see da Sun dat mean he Awake. He mite be up doing his little exercise tho like blowing wind or throwing thunderbolts out of smite n shit. Butt when we and da Goons go at Nite — God gone be dead asleep.

1ST NIGGA: Butt what if I told U dat you cant Sneak into Heaven at Nite because a bunch of Niggaz already done tried dat and got Caught. And was Killed for Trespassing on Gods Property?

2ND NIGGA: I would just tell you they missed something, dats all. But not Me. I been working on this latest plan for over 400 years now.

1ST NIGGA: Still, what if I told you dat even tho God be Sleep at night he still have Jesus, Joseph and Mary watching out for him?

2ND NIGGA: Dont matter. Cuz anyway, Jesus is a Soft Touch. My peeples told me he can be Bribed with a good bottle of Wine. And he a sucka for a Hoe wit a Sob Story.

1ST NIGGA: What about Joseph?

2ND NIGGA: Give dat Foo a Technicolored Dreamcoat with dope shoes to match and he will look da other way too.

1ST NIGGA: Yeah, butt dat still leave Mary. What bout her? Or you got sum shit on her too?

2ND NIGGA: Um hm. She still be fucking The Angel Gabriel when Joseph is out on his Carpentry job fixing shit round Heaven. However, it dont matter to Joseph because he’s hammering and nailing Mary’s Sister, Mary Junior on the regular. They stay Smashing.

1ST NIGGA: Wait. All of this shit is going on in Heaven? Rite under God’s nose?!

2ND NIGGA: Yessir. Most of this shit happens at night. Like I said: God, he be Sleep.

1ST NIGGA: Ight. But what if I told you that God know all that shit is going on and he just lets it happen so peeple Will think they can Sneak into Heaven at Night? But they wind up gitting caught and Sentenced to hell for an Eternity?

2ND NIGGA: What if I told you that dont scare me None cuz I been to hell more times than I been to Heaven and —

1ST NIGGA: Whats da difference?

2ND NIGGA: And, I was just bout to say. I actually prefer Hell over Heaven.

1ST NIGGA: Why is dat?

2ND NIGGA: No curfew.

1ST NIGGA: Why you wind up in Hell in da first place?

2ND NIGGA: Well, the first time I was just Visiting and liked it so much I tried to stay but they made me leave cuz I aint have da right paperwork n whatnot.

1ST NIGGA: and da Second Time?

2ND NIGGA: I snuck back. It was easy.

1ST NIGGA: I be dam. Why was it so Easy?

2ND NIGGA: Cuz the Devil stay busy. He dont even be looking, man.

1ST NIGGA: Busy doing what?

2ND NIGGA: All I know is he be in his Workshop a lot doing shit.

1ST NIGGA: Umph. You see anybody we know?

2ND NIGGA: Yeah, I saw Yo Mama there. She said to tell you, you still aint shit.

1ST NIGGA: She would say some shit like that. But you know what?

2ND NIGGA: What?

1ST NIGGA: I think I wanna work with you on Sneaking into Heaven.

2ND NIGGA: Aww yeah? Why you changing yo Mind?

1ST NIGGA: Cuz your Plan sounds good. And to tell you da Truth, I been wanting to do da shit myself for da longest. Except, I just never had enuff information.

2ND NIGGA: Truth be tole, in the interest of being Transparent, I Googled a lotta this shit.

1ST NIGGA: Is dat right??

2ND NIGGA: Gospel!

1ST NIGGA: I be dam! So Whats da Best Day to do this?

2ND NIGGA: You joking, right? Da SABBATH DAY, man. Cuz dats when God not only Rests, he Sleep the whole, entire day away.

1ST NIGGA: Oh right, right. I never thought about dat shit!

2ND NIGGA: And check this out: last time I was in Hell I stole the Map the Devil be using to go To and Fro Heaven. Its got secret routes n shit.

1ST NIGGA: Didnt God kick da Devil outta Heaven too, tho?

2ND NIGGA: True. But they still Kool. Cuz what muthafuckaz dont realize is dat the Devil is actually God’s only Forgotten Son.

1ST NIGGA: Dont U mean BEGOTTEN son??

2ND NIGGA: Nah. Dats Jesus.

1ST NIGGA: Mannnnnn, how u be finding out all this shit?!

2ND NIGGA: (raises eyebrow)

1ST NIGGA: Right. Google n shit.

2ND NIGGA: The Devil Wife snitched too, tho.

1ST NIGGA: Wait. The Devil married?!

2ND NIGGA: Hell yeah, my Nigga. And got a Legion of Babies everywhere. Altho he aint got mo than Nick Cannon or NBA Young Boy.

1ST NIGGA: Whats his Wife name?

2ND NIGGA: Shea-Devil.

1ST NIGGA: So Why SHE help you?

2ND NIGGA: Cuz she mad at his ass. Tole U. He stay Busy. Too bizzy for her.

1ST NIGGA: Maybe he just grinding hard for em.

2ND NIGGA: Dats da problem. The Devil always Busy. And she tired of dat shit. Told me she ready to leave him and go to Heaven.

1ST NIGGA: Is she Fine?

2ND NIGGA: Megan The Stallion fine, man!!

1ST NIGGA: Damn. What else she tell you?

2ND NIGGA: Told me da Devil REAL name is Luther Furr. Dats his Gubmint name.

1ST NIGGA: I cant believe this shit Im hearing!!

2ND NIGGA: Believe it my Nigga. Believe it. So look I gotta run some errands. But I just wanted to meet up with you to plant this seed in ya ear and see if you wanted in on this shit. Cuz its going down with or without you. But you my Nigga so you know I wanted to hit you up first and foremost.

1ST NIGGA: Damn straight. And you know I appreciate it. So hell yeah I want in, man! You know it aint no Fun if Homie cant git None.

2ND NIGGA: Facts. So you got any more Objections or what ifs? Cuz I know if anybody could punch holes in my shit it would be you.

1ST NIGGA: Hmmmm. Lemme think on that. When you need an answer?

2ND NIGGA: Asap.

1ST NIGGA: For the most part, I think Im ready to do this shit, man. I cant wait to git me a little piece of Heaven. How we gitting there?

2ND NIGGA: Cloud Nine take you straight there.

1ST NIGGA: Im here for it, my Nigga.

2ND NIGGA: Ight. See you on Saturday. And make sho you got on yo Sunday Best.

1ST NIGGA: Bet.

-The End-

****************

(Next up: The Niggaz Who Robbed Hell)

[corruptedsilence]

.

i know its my depression saying this but i just

i feel so useless here. i feel pointless, i feel so upset and angry at myself because im so angry at the fact i dont or cant ever just feel good enough. i forget so much and it makes me forget just how much i have and i come of as ungrateful and i just dont know what to do

ive hurt people because im so stupid, my emotions getting the better of me nad i cant do anything right here. im jumping blogs hoping it’ll fix something but no matter what its still just me, its still just the shit person i am who can’t get her fucking act together and do anything. maybe i should just yeet myself out, i dont know where i belong, i dont know where to go, im so stressed and i just wish i could sleep but if i dont do something ill only be more angry because i couldnt do what i love

i feel so isolated some days but i know its my own fault because i dont reach out and i just dont click with people because i cant socialize and i get so anxious thinking im always a burden, im always a problem people have to deal with so its better i just dont show up so everyone can have fun, its not like i contrubute anything to anyone anyway. maybe one or two people but even then they’d still do fine without me here, everyone would, because it always feels like whenever im gone i miss everything but when im here everyone is gone so i barely feel like im her at all.

im so tired, overworked, stressed, i just want to stay home and cry all day

but i cant because i cant just acll in, i have to call in monday becaus they keep scheduling me on days i have therapy and im tired of rescheduling and rescheduling and fighting for my own fucking right to get help

this is exactly what i wanted to avoid, depression posting but i guess i just cant help myself becuase i just feel alone and i just want someome here but i know no one can do anything because its my own issue

[heather-m-quigley]

that friend wasnt even the first to call me out 🤬

it was less public but my partner was first. i said "check this game out, northernlion is in love with it," and they just cant resist their little digs and said "you're in love with it"

I DO THAT GODDAMMIT. I GET INTO SHIT REAL HARD. and you took zero notice of how "in love with" tiny rogues i was for a few weeks right before that.

and their (almost, with meds) neurotypical ass has enough hours in isaac that they used to joke "i dont play video games, i play video GAME" [singular]

they said they would probably play a lot more balatro if it was on mobile (which is in the works) but like, you could also stop pretending your laptop is a desktop and actually take the fucking thing downstairs once in a while lollll

yea maybe balatro is holding me back from fixing my sleep at all but like. partner already called me out on destroying my sleep schedule worse when i was catching up on one piece from the beginning in 5 months (plus opla, plus the jigsaw puzzle for 2 weeks, plus getting my rewatch on way before i was caught up cus i want to share it with them and i dont wanna wait years for them to see certain things, etc etc)

[frostbite-the-bat]

dad's existence once more ruining my mood again. im like. joke rping in vc and i get a little loud at dave bc i went into his fight as a joke but i accidentally green in it and i get a bit loud. not even... as loud as i typically get?? just like a "DUDE The FUCK". and after that i go ok brb imma get icecream irl and the second i leave the room dad asks "where im going" (hard to translate but basically askig where im calling) and "cause youre so loud"

oh my god why does it fucking matter to you. dont speak to me. i am not here to fucking talk to you. i am genuinely so fucking loud always and im known to be a screamer in vc and yet the one time when im actually qUIET and only raise my voice a BIT is when it concerns you?i always get shit vibes from dad always but something's telling me he's gonna be bit more annoying again.

but i suppose that's to be expected - he and mom are off work for 2 days again. it's so. inconsistent. 2 days break. 2 days night shift. 2 days break. 2 days day shift.

my own sleep schedule and everything depends on theirs. its a nightmare. i cant do SHIT in the morning when theyre asleep and i cant stay up too long with friends when theyre sleeping. i dont have my own room. dad will yap. late night is the only time i can spend time with certain friends.

is so. my god. if i had my own room so many things would be fixed. hm. even then i doubt id have privacy and be bothered to sleep even if im. an adult. who can make my own choices. is it bad? do i technically do nothing all day? sure.

why havent you taught me anything else, then.

ugh. i had something else in mind but im getting severely overstimulated. im getting a bad hot flush and also the room is getting warmer. dad covered up the curtain again so WARMTH GETS IN and so its PITCH DARK FOR HIS ASS who DOESNT KNOW WHAT SLEEP MASKS ARE. and ofc he turned up the heat. im gonna yell. i cant open the window or he'll say shit. i hate this fucking house.

im being so fucking whiny but i hate his so fucking much. i hate my daily life depending on hOW THEY SLEEP. HOW THEY DO SHIT!!

AROUND AVOIDING DAD SO HE DOESNTT START SHIT!

DAMN IT!!!!!!

[thisisaname-whatahappyname]

>gets free from the academic fatigue for One Day no tests to review no assignments Nada

>vibes at not having any obligations to fulfill

>cousin vents [new social obligation! that i didn't even really mind i know how much a good vent can help]

>"you're the luckiest out of all of us (true) you don't have to deal with their shit (not-true. understatement. mental breakdown statement. statement to induce 50 different flashbacks. and oh god the flashbacks of my parents going on me for finding out about the cutting because "what do i have to be sad about?" but it was mostly the ungrateful brat flashbacks to be honest lets be clear and Then all the ✨trauma✨ flashbacks to disuade That notion because it is untrue and i will be. very fucked over if i do start to rhink it is

>anyways. mental breakdown

>i screwed up my near successful attempt to fix my sleep schedule (3 problem for three school years at point) for this?

>dudududududuu

>also minor annoyance now my classmate really did assign us to "list a quantitative objective or else we'll get a strike" like miss that is your job. i remember very clearly that is your job. mam assigned you and clark that. you can ask for ideas but we have no obligation to that stop saying you'll give us one strike out of three if we do do it when we have zero obligation to that. stop acting like we do.

>also by 8pm?? same day??? like i cant blame you for the time you sent it, it wasn't even an hour out of school but miss gurl i did not see the message i was fucking asleep. maybe not assume that everyone is readily available to go online 24/7 or something.

[cosmic-abysss]

okay so this was meant to be posted at the end of the year but ive realized that im incapable of not changing my status all the time so it's a long list..anyways bc its august (aka me month who cheered??) i figured i would do this half :DD so without further ado...

a list of my discord statuses of 2023 ^-^ :

a quiet alcove in a ginormous library can actually be something so personal <33

i think im falling back into my anime and manga obsession.. i will be crying <3

kusakabe maron deserves the world <33 loml behind gumbi

heart time heart time!! 💕 💓 <333 iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou <-youve been hit with my gay love beam ^-^

the road to happiness is paved, with rows and rows OF VERY TEMPTING PARKING SPACES!!! CMWYL 24HR LOCKDOWN!!! ABSOLUTE FIRE <33

💙💜♡ its love day!!! no one is safe from my gay love beam >:) get loved idiot youre important to me <333 ^-^ im very happy

huh. 3 years already, how time flies...

i hate having a reasonable sleep schedule >:( why cant i stay up until 4am and then wake up at like 8 without wanting to die

i wanna get a tattoo so bad this is fucked up

i get the hype now, i really do, yes i know this makes me a clown im just accepting it

get fucked im embracing the cringe and im going to live!!

fiction is starting to give me too many unrealistic expectations to pepper into my daydreams

um okay yeah im starting to get the hype about it all now

<3 hehehe ^-^  💜💙

oh cat & dog by TXT my beloved <33

doing hot bitch shit <-rewatching mianite for the 3rd time

i need to go to a live concert,,,, it would fix me i think <3

yellow yaks winners pov!!!! gumi is absolutely slaying!!!

i have so many tabs open and theyre not even fun+interesting ones >:((

RAAAAAAAHHHH i survived my first college semester holy shit!!!!

screaming... screeching even,,,

oh kyo souma how i wish you were real <3 ......my favorite lil guy :3

WU&IO OUT NOW HOLY SHIT!!! oh lovejoy my beloved you only release bangers <33

what if i just cried about minecraft again,, what then???

going to the beach would fix me in an instant

cyan coyotes are going to win today as a pride present for me specifically <3

i deserve to be unreserved about my music obsessions and thats what im going to do ^-^

spider punk and gwen stacy how i love you,,, damn a good pride month fr,,,

step one of becoming a passenger princess complete... now i just need to become someone thats trusted with the aux

slay pussy queen girlboss cunt server <-finished an amigurumi project

peak of my hot girl summer rn, devastating effects on my social battery though

i had forgotten the joys of creating things, its nice to know it again

[nukleator]

Work is so stressful like i was actually freaking out this whole week. First sysco fucks me by giving me frozen chicken then the kitchen refuses to use the substituted chicken and blames me for its existence . Then its insanely busy and service goes poorly. I stay 2 hours late which gm sats he will put on a different day so its not ot. Next day i dont sleep and come in at 645am and realize im on my own doing food costing this time. Stress about that. Agm is freaking out bc gm is on vacation and everythings going wrong immediately. Cook calls in sick for the night, we cant find someone to cover it because all the lifers refuse to work fry and anyone who does work fry either quit or is on vacation. So im forced to do it and we end up busy as hell with multiple tables ordering after close . Also since i worked even more hours than the day before those extra hours had to be moved to my NEXT shift which also was shit and i had to stay late and then i worked on the kitchen schedule for free because i wanted to learn. Then today the prep cook tells me she did everything which was fucking LIE and i was in the back making 5 things on the fly. Im keeping an eye on the clock bc theres a new guy starting at 5 and i want/need to walk him through everything.

But then the fucking POS goes DOWN and ive got the agm on the phone and im on hold with the pos company and theyre not picking up and im losing my mind. and people keep coming into the office to gossip loudly and tell jokes and im like GTFO IF YOURE NOT HELPING and theyre like looool chill. This is a restaurant emergency! Leave me alone! Even worse is the people annoying me are occasional supervisors who should know better. After what feels like an eternity the pos unfucks itself and i hang up on the support.

Ok time to train new guy so we go to the shakes station and we get a ticket and send it out and then BOOM we get an instant clusterfuck of orders so i have to take over more than id like when training someone. Then of course dinner rush hits and thats when we run out of more prep that AM prep assured me was taken care of so im in the back doing that while more problems pile up. And then there i am, 2 hours after im supposed to be off, trying to fix everything and tidy things up so chef doesnt strangle me when he comes back from vacation tomorrow. Idk if i shall ever see those 2 hoirs as ot or even regular pay .

And my stupid ass didnt order enough ofor one of our specials because i think i misunderstood the GMs words and i thought the special was ending tomorrow but its actually in a few days so i know chef is gonna kick my ass abou that

[bubsub69]

Entry 3

17/05/2023 23:42 Fuck the sleep schedule fuck the discord i am so sick of everything of all this shit, if i wasnt fucking scared of jumping off a bridge i think i wouldve fucking done it, why can't she just give me a single text i know she's busy but am i that much of a fucking uninteresting piece of shit that she doesnt care about me, im pretty sure i know the answer to this but im scared of saying it, i know shes busy i know she got fucking deported or whatever but has she seriously not thought of me once to text once i dont even need anything sexual i just want some goddamn intimacy, its so hard to not cry in public when i start thinking about having someone just hugging me when she sees me and being happy and shit, is that so much to ask for, i know i dont deserve it, id be a terrible partner i cant communicate for shit i have no skills im ugly as shit id probably be neglectful, but i just want someone, i know it wont just magically fix everything, she wont just be a therapist goddess but im just so tired of this, worse people than me arent alone, why did i have to be one of them

am i really gonna become a fucking incel, i dont even want anything sexual i just wish i had some intimacy, just someone to hug, so i could be the small spoon for her, so i could have a morning kiss and get to cuddle and be lazy in bed. i want to stop having to hold in tears in public i wish i hadnt been born this way, a fucking weirdo who cant settle for a normal relationship and wants someone dominant, as if someone would even put up with me.

its also getting busier at the cafe which sucks, we had 2 big tables and both had a fucking birthday party, even had to get more fucking bread from the store mid shift for them.

i lost half my fucking rant from fucking up the encrypting command so thats all you get

[caffeine-tanuki]

Hey there. Guess it took me a bit to come back here, but how's it going?

Things are getting a bit hectic around here for the moment. Lotta things happening real soon. On Sunday evening my mom gets into town, and the next morning I'm getting my nose worked on. I might finally be able to breathe normally, thank fuck. I'm also scrambling to deep-clean my entire apartment so I can avoid anxiety when my unit gets inspected on Tuesday. It shouldn't take me too long, but it's going to be a lot of work. I'll for sure have it done by the weekend, though.

I think I'm gonna use this as a springboard. Use the momentum off of this rush to fix my life once and for all. I've been wanting to get back in shape, and my sleep schedule has been shit. I mean hell, I woke up at 2 in the afternoon today. If I'm gonna move out in a few months, I gotta prove I can take care of myself correctly. Then my mom won't have to worry, and the whole process will be a lot smoother. I love her to bits, but she worries too much sometimes. She's worried I'm not going to work on putting down roots, but then again she doesn't know about my plan. I won't tell her until it's set in stone, though. She won't have anything to say about it then, other than maybe that she's happy that I found someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. Hopefully she's not skeptical, but I think moving in with her after a year of near-daily interaction through calls and texts and a 2-week-long visit isn't unreasonable. Not to mention I'd be just about as far away from a major airport up there as I am right here, and I won't be living alone with pets so I'd have some actual time to visit more often. Late July sounds like a nice time to move.

It's kinda funny how this all worked out. I'm the most functional I've ever been socially, but to get there I had to collapse, a few times might I add, as an adult. I'm finally living in my own skin and loving it, and now all these other problems have become so apparent to me. I still haven't finished unpacking everything here, so there's still boxes in several unhelpful places and I'm still working with maybe 15 shirts and 2 pairs of pants. That changes this week, though. Gonna work hard on it.

I think that's all I can throw at this one. My threads of thought usually aren't really strong, so if you hold it too long or too tight it breaks. I'll write something later on, probably something dumb and short.

See ya, -M

edit/update: apparently I'm not getting my nose fixed this week. they cant fit me into the schedule for quite a while.

[princesstokyomoon]

a few weeks ago i was talkin to my gf, and she said cus my sleep is so Fucked i should try to get drugs for that. and when i said "lol the docs always just tell me to eat better and sleep better to fix my sleep schedule, they wont give me drugs", she said i should just get them to give me meds for my depression, cus her ones also help with her sleep.

she didnt seem to understand what i meant when i responded "NAH my depression isnt bad enough, they wont give me drugs for it"

she sorta went "but your therapist acknowledges you have depression?"

so i went like "yeah but its always been considered the Mildest form you can get, they wont give me shit for it. like,,, cus ive never been suicidal as a result of it, that means i dont need drugs."

and i could practically Hear her brain whirring at the idea that i am not suicidal over the voice call. like,,, she just paused in a Particular way she does when she WILDLY cant relate to what im saying.

and it pops into my head every so often and makes me sad. makes me sad when ANYONE feels that way. but i hate the idea that she couldnt relate to the idea of wanting to live? not just that she feels that way, but that im Literally helpless to do anything really. Like,, both of us have Royally fucked up health and sleep cycles, so its hard enough for us to find the time to voice chat (she doesnt particularly like messaging), and she doesnt drive, and tbh even if she COULD i dont think id want her coming to my house while i live with my mum. she struggled enough with the idea of her existence when she came to cheer me up after my dad died, i dont want to have my gf deal with her regularly. but i cant go to her often either, cus i have a cat to look after. wouldnt be so bad if it was JUST the one cat, but my sisters cat is here too, and the two hate each other. so while my sister cant have her cat, my mum looks after her cat, and i look after mine. i cant just leave my cat Alone for too many days thats not fair to her.

it just feels very much like im in a rock and a hard place and im Failing

im 99% sure im NOT failing, my gf is very much the type that would call me out if she was upset with me, its one of the things i love about her. but my brain is constantly in a war between Desperately Clingy Hopeless Romantic, and Extremely Distant Chronic Loner with Zero Dating Experience, and it starts to feel like EVERYTHING i do is wrong, no matter What that thing is.

i HAVE talked about this with her, and jfc i am Blessed she is so much more patient with me than i am tbh. but still im Frustrated by my constant desire to DO things for her, and my even MORE constant inability to do any of them. and the Only thing that makes me not freak out about that is that she has Directly told me she doesnt NEED me to do any of those things.

i dont want any advice for this really. im just very tired, procrastinating going to bed, and needed to scream a little. i didnt even know i needed to scream about this till i started, i went into this post thinkin itd be a "hahaha funni stori" about the differences in our depression and now im here WELP

[odysseys-blood]

i am literally the most embarassing person to ever live. im in a whole mental health course GETTING A MENTAL HEALTH FIRST AID CERTIFICATION and i cant even mange trying to talk to anyone abt getting medicated or therapy bc im scared of trying to talk to someone again and getting completely blown off or getting told to pray abt it instead and to hope it fixes itself while ive barely done work in 3 weeks bc i cant focus for shit and my sleep schedule is off to hell and i have enough energy to get up and wash and barely eat and that it im SICK and i cant even muster the courage to get help.

[emplehdog]

Yeah, ok, the stress is coming from my poor time management skills, 2020 tried to help me fix that but what did I do??

I FUCKING GOOFED IT is WHAT I DIDDLY DID.

Cmfao, new moon! Give me a fresh start please!

Its literally cause this week i worked 8 days stright, no day off, doing at least 7-9 hour shifts and staying later then my scheduled time, I'm hemorrhaging money cause i cant stand the public transportation in the area were i work cause of how unreliable it is and how unsafe the area is in genaral. my sleep schedule is also completely fucked and I'm getting 3- 4 hours of sleep sleep and getting up and napping after my alarm goes off to make up for the shit sleep. Then im eating 1 and a half meals a day and its usually garage and an even bigger waste of money. The time I could be standing actually doing when I need to do is being absorbed by media that just makes me anxious but I'm addicted to it for some reason. This is not a good way to live laugh love everyone. I'm in terrible pain.

Worst part of it is I feel weaker physically, at moments I feel dizzy and as if the floor has fallen out from under me. My mood shifts and my back hurts, and I cant keep a constant stream of focus for more then a few minutes. I feel held captive by a thing I signed up for and my mystical obsessions only made it worse.