#i cant have hope on behalf of myself

[once-a-honey-bee]

I could've spun gold with all of it

I want to scream

Who says it? Who gets to say that we're just sad forever?

The world is collapsing but there are still people smiling and laughing and holding to their friends and all they've built

But not me

[sexybabystevie]

this is to ONE PERSON and one person ONLY. if you're confused, it's not you!

[smiggles]

This is gonna be abit of a mouthful, but I need to get it off my chest now that years have passed and we've (hopefully you have too) matured by now.

I once looked up to you, but that was a very long time ago. The trauma you caused me is irreversible. tbf I used to be a brat and if I could go back in time to backhand my younger self I would, I own up to that. But I was only a teenager, still growing and learning about myself and how to talk to others properly. Turns out I was pretty much autistic, so communication wasn't my strong point at all back then.

But even then, your two-faced behavior of proudly shitting on and bragging about how much money you were ripping off the furry community, the people who actively supported you, loved your work and paid your bills, was appalling. I had every right to call you out on it. Instead of accepting it was wrong, you sent your roommates out like attack dogs to fight your battles, defend your toxic behavior and harass me. Every time I blocked them they would find a different site to attack me on. I struggled to make friends for years after that incident, I felt I couldn't trust anyone because of what you guys did.

Years passed, and I genuinely hoped you had changed for the better, only to see a callout post during pride of all times, about your grossly acephobic attitude. I had friends who were blocked by you and didn't understand why. You need to understand your damaging actions have severe affects on real people, and when you make public apologies, the people who comment saying they forgive you don't count if they weren't the ones hurt by you. They don't speak for those affected.

I'm not looking for an apology, even if given one I probably wouldn't accept it after all the damage you've done to me. I have zero interest in you being in my life again. I just wanted to give you this perspective to get it off my chest and for you to mull on, I want you to use it to improve yourself as a person moving forward. See the wrong in your actions, how badly it affects others, and make the choice to make things right.

But that's up to you now.

Hey, I know who this is an I want you to know that I think about you often.

Read more below

Sometimes your stuff shows up on my feed or someone shares something with me that youve made because we have common interests and I think to myself Im glad theyre doing well and I hope youre surrounded by people who support you. I dont say this as a way to like Save face because this is a public anon. I would say this to you in private if I could. I was a very nasty person years and years ago and no apology will take back the pain Ive caused others from that. Especially not you. But I am sorry. I wish things could have been different. I do. For the acephobia. Yes. I was acephobic and horrible about it. I hurt a lot of people from that and cant ever take that back but know that Ive learned a lot about how to treat others and unpack the internalized hatred towards my own ace'ness and how others present themselves. I also want to say I never sent my roommates on you. That was a choice they did on their own without my knowledge. I never ever want someone to go after anyone on my behalf and while it is likely hard to believe that those who have known me these past 5-6 years can vouch that as true. I have on multiple occasions asked my friends to leave people alone I end up disagreeing with. I never name drop people I dont get along with. I dont even tell people besides my very very private close friends about what happened between me and you and that might be about 3 or 4 people at most. As for blocking? I block very liberally LOL and its almost never personal. I block people for the smallest things just to curate my social media experience. If you ever wanted to reconnect and try again Im here. And I have no hatred in my heart. I have held myself accountable all these years for things I should have done better. Handled softer. In the end Truly. Im glad youve made a beautiful career out of something you love and no matter what happens between us I hope you continue to thrive. With all my heart.

[prisonguards]

FR!!! Like oh my GOD I didnt even ship smallidarity before likeeeee I was just your average flower husbands fan, and I wanted to stick hard to the whole boundary compliance thing because I was part of dsmp twt for a year and. Well. That should say enough, iykyk. But then Joel just kept obsessing over Jimmy, Jimmy kept simping for Joel, and then the entire thing with the "he's just sooo cuuuute" and "can we just compare the size difference again, its my favorite thing ever" and whatever the fuck fixating on the noise Jimmy made was and it was like. Well. Bro. BRO. THEEEEN the having a CHILD together thing happened and I just fell into shipping them immediately from E2 alone. And now I'm watching E1 and I'm gonna rewatch 100h hardcore because your blog has just made it Worse.

This has been an entire tangent but the tldr is I didn't ship smallidarity until Joel was absolutely unbearable and obvious over just how much the cuteness aggression he gets over Jimmy Gets To Him.

Also I see your tags and I bring you this: in watching E1, am I insane or is the whole "Katherine was his first ally but I am his BEST ally, I will call her a coward and get genuinely angry at her for not going to the lengths I will to protect Jimmy" give off possessiveness. Not possessiveness as in jealousy, ownership, or anything like that but more in the sense that he takes great pride in being the one who takes care of Jimmy best, so to speak and to be the one who protects him when he needs it. This isn't really related at all to what you said but I'm doing my best and it's 6 AM as I write this, I have not slept and I should cut myself off before I spout even more nonsense.

- life series anon

ANON I LUV YOU AUSGEUE. I hope you get some good sleep friend aaueghd

I think that happened to a lot of people :3 smallidarity like was ramping up all season thanks to enemies to lovers being such a popular trope/dynamic but its Exploded in popularity lately and Im so thankful for that!!! whether it be from Joels fawning or their. insanity inducing innuendoes. the more fans the merrier ^—^

IM SO GLAD MY MADNESS HAS GOTTEN U TO WANNA REWATCH 100 HOURS :3c !!! its a comfort series for me for sure. and the episodes with Jimmy in them are. absolutely the best. ep 4 is one of my favorite episodes of anything ever. and if you want more Joel fawning over Jimmys cuteness…

YESSSSSS YES.. I ADORE THEM IN EMP S1!!! their dynamic is so unique there because of how wholly and overwhelmingly soft/positive it is. theyre allies from the start and BEST allies… auuughh.. yesshh Joel gets sooo defensive over Jimmy in s1 its beautiful. how quick he is to go absolutely murder mode for Jimmy. but how quick he is to be soft for him too. SIGGHHHHH. its my dream fr. the possessiveness.. YES.. theyre just SO important to eachother and it drives me crazy. he treats Jimmy so special. the way that he has little rooms for just Jimmy and Lizzie in his palace… the special roles they both hold… his wife and his best friend… there is def such a special connection there. and the possessiveness, Jimmy has so many more allies and close allies than Joel does. Joel just enforcing and affirming his station and specialness to Jimmy every once and a while.. by insulting his other allies augshs.. augh.. I just love them

also, for anyone else mulling over boundaries still; if you want specifics he just said he finds it “a bit weird” and iirc he didnt really say you cant do it. he just doesnt get it cause hes such a wifeguy. if youre concerned you can still tag it properly/keep it out of main tags. but if he was Really upset by it he would Not be encouraging and escalating it, and making the jokes he does, and putting them in his videos, and liking comments people make about them, and the tweets he makes, and and and and… if people are harassing u on behalf of him, they dont really care about what hes comfortable with, they just wanna punch down at someone. I get wanting to be respectful, but Ive also seen it used for such cruelty 💔 so I think the most important thing to keeping everyone, including the creators themselves, happy is to keep things to the right tags and spaces and being kind to yourself and others and blocking what you need and keeping out of peoples business.

[sabaramonds]

dmdp posting again. hey guys. MANGA SPOILERS !!! ive rambled about this on discord and on twitter in bits and pieces but it haunts me so im going to talk about it again here. so theres this song i heard a month or so ago, turtles all the way down by sammy copley, and every time i listen to it i start tearing myself apart at the seams over the corpse god and his emperor (and once again i will be referring to them strictly as their titles because, again, if you havent read the entire manga and been edged for 80 chapters, it just isnt right...) typical ok this got super long so im actually putting it under a cut this time but 👇 go forth if you want to be subjected to the depths of my illness

anyway!!! i just cant help it. everything about it perfectly encapsulates their relationship from corpse gods perspective. like

im not well as you can tell by the way i havent looked you in the eye im about to lie and say im fine but inside you and i know thats not true but its either this or let my burden weigh on you and that i just cant do so ill choose for the both of us and youll just go along because youve trusted me for no good reason here i am, committing treason force the last page of our story one more boring allegory hope to god youll rise above me; always bite the hand the loves me mine, mine is the unkind kindest cut of all and ill watch you fall

i feel crazy. “but its either this or let my burden weigh on you / and that i just cant do / so ill choose for the both of us” because corpse god doesnt want to burden his emperor more than he already has; his emperor has already dirtied his hands for him. thats already too much. “youve trusted me for no good reason / here i am committing treason / force the last page of our story” because he feels as if he is unworthy of his emperors love and trust and kindness and that aside from what hed done under a foreign necromancers influence, the grief and rage that possessed him to act in violence made him even more unworthy - made him a traitor to his masters teachings, to his emperors affection... even before we got further context for their relationship in the last few chapters of the most recent arc (civil having his #girl moment) i wrote in “the ghost of who you were” that corpse gods escapist fantasy of seeking out a world, or creating one, where his emperor would never have to dirty his hands on corpse gods behalf - or on the behalf of any child subjected to violence by adults who should love them - was an impossible dream he chased in an attempt to outrun the forgiveness of his emperor (though, to his emperor, there is nothing to forgive at all) also “hope to god youll rise above me; always bite the hand that loves me / mine is the unkindest kindest cut of all / and ill watch you fall” so fucking prophetic. to me. about corpse god choosing for both of them (sealing away his emperor and other spirits hed contracted with deep within himself so they could not reach out to him and judge him for what he had done) and the fact he did, indeed, watch his emperor fall; he had done it himself, with his own two hands, as unwillingly as it had been.

and i am aware that its not fair to bring you here then send you on your way you had so much to say and to ask like, “why am i not cut out for the task of loving you forever, of holding you and never wanting less?” well, i can take a guess see, i could choose for the both of us and youll just go along because youve trusted me for no good reason love, no matter what the season; force the last page of our story youre my favorite allegory hope to god that youll forgive me; my mistakes will long outlive me mine, mine is the unkind kindest cut of all and ill watch you fall

ripping my face off as i listen to this song and think about them right now. as we speak. “and im aware that its not fair / to bring you here then send you on your way” like every single part of this. “hope to god that youll forgive me / my mistakes will long outlive me” corpse god binding his emperors soul to him (consensually) only to push him away in the aftermath out of guilt and grief and feelings of inadequacy. his emperor never stopped wanting him, not even when corpse god became one of the undead himself; not even when he was nothing but bones held together by his masters magic, a brain in a jar kept cradled close to his frail, fleshless vessel... in his emperors own words: “no matter what youve turned into, the empire and i are always on your side.” in chapter 80, he says to corpse god, “being alive isnt about whether or not youre dead body. its about whether youre looking to the future or not.” he follows this up by addressing corpse god not by the title he himself had given him, but by his name (BRAIN DAMAGING) (I WAS ON THE FLOOR WRITHING LIKE A WORM)

and i dont know if this makes it any easier perhaps youll find comfort when i say: you and i are nothing more than meteors, never meant to live long past today yes. ill choose for the both of us: youll just go along because you trusted me against your judgement you deserve someone who doesnt force the last page of your story no more boring allegories hope to god youll rise above me, though youll always be part of me mine, mine is the unkind kindest cut of all ill watch you fall now watch me fall

most of the song i feel very strongly reads as corpse gods perspective but “perhaps youll find comfort when i say / you and i are nothing more than meteors, never meant to live long past today” feels like such an emperor thing to say. when you are a child emperor, you are braced for political assassination; when you are from a land where necromancy is a real and thriving art, your fear of death can be softened by the knowledge that if the one you love outlives you (even if their own flesh, too, is long gone) then your voice will still be heard by those who matter. though even then, the emperor is quite a funny guy. he loved corpse god before he was corpse god; he loved him when he was flesh and bone, loved him when that flesh dissolved and he was left as just a skeleton of who he had been; he loved him when corpse god killed him, loved him when corpse god bound them together. and always, he waited for when corpse god would be ready to face him, waited for him to be able to live. because corpse god was not alive before. if we go off of the emperors idea of “being alive” meaning “looking forward”, corpse god was always looking down or looking back; caught in his past, his regrets, his fears. i mentioned what his emperor said in chapter 80. in chapter 81, the opening page of corpse god is him smiling at the sight of his emperors back, thinking to himself: “unlike me, you only ever looked ahead. how could you keep your eyes trained forward on what was to come? i didnt understand at the time (and here, we see corpse god as he once was: face hidden by a bone mask and cowl, unsmiling) but now, i think i get it a little.” he thinks this as he watches his emperor dirty his hands on his behalf once again. he called for his emperor willingly, this time; he asked for his help, not as a subject beseeches their lord, but as a friend. an equal, the way his emperor had always treated him; he is ready to be alive, now. he is ready to look forward instead of past, to accept his emperors forgiveness, his love; to think of himself as worthy returning that love and wait i forgot lol i was so caught up in the insanity of the emperors perspective in those first few lines and segueing into corpse gods growth during the latest arc that i forgot to talk about “hope to god youll rise above me / though youll always be part of me” wanting his emperor to have better than what he does (corpse god) but wanting to always keep part of him with him + “ill watch you fall / now watch me fall” literally he killed his emperor with his own hands (unwillingly) and then his downward spiral in his grief and when he eventually went absolutely bananas on those geldwood cultists giving them a brutal torturous death for murdering the orphan children he was caring for at the time and believing his actions had made him unworthy of the power he wielded and (holding my head) as you can tell i think about this song and about them a normal amount. i think ill stop talking here. for now. i just. oh my god. theyve come so far. the fact corpse god is able to face his emperor now. jesus christ 😭 if you think im bad about these two just wait until i start talking about civil. lol

[merotwst]

your writing is chefs kiss. I cant really explain what I love about your writing so I'll try to explain why I love your writing.

I love every little thing you write, to the most obvious thing down to the smallest detail. Your writing feels like a breath of fresh air or finally finding that one thing you ate as a child you forgotten as you grew up. They way you write your scenes makes me feel like I'm a bystander of what happening, they way you explain the feelings makes me feel as if i just felt those emotions for the first time. They way your thought or ideas of the characters seem as if it's really them and something they would do. The way you write is a beautiful art, an art I could watch forever. I could re read your works more than one thousand times and never get bored.

The way you write feels like a connection. Like a string had found me and won't let go. No matter how hard I try to cut the string I always find myself re tying it, causing litte knots to ruin its perfect shape. But I never really minded them knots as long as you didn't.

anon rizzed me up wtf half the time my mind is blank when im writing im so sorry but ON BEHALF OF THIS BEAUTIFULLY, VERY WELL ARTICULATED REVIEW OF MY WRITING SKILLS, ANON. WHOEVER U ARE. SEND ME UR FAV CHARACTER AND ILL WRITE SOMETHING FOR U BECAUSE I MIGHT HAVE JUST FALLEN IN LOVE W U.

if ur fav character is sebek, im sorry tho. i dont write for him sadgely.

fr tho im honored and stunned u think of my writing this way?! i definitely study other writers' works tho! so my style can also be credited to community writers like rosa (@/kalims), amora (@/amorisqasayid), dem (@/demonichikikomori), pio (@/oepionie and pio is more of a recent inspo) and these are only some of them cuz early on, i read their works before i even started writing twst myself and they helped me solidify my twisted wonderland writing skills (unbeknownst to fhem lol)

im blushing!

thank u anon u rly made my night 🥺 i hope ur having so much love and happiness around u rn sending you my love!

[saisons-en-enfer]

your traumas and experiences are valid. while living and existing might feel like a unbearably sisyphean task, it is through finding healthy outlets/coping mechanisms that you can pacify such intense memories and ruminations. on behalf of the mutuals know that you are not alone, we care and about you, and love you🍵🫶🏼 wishing you the best on your journey king <3

I appreciate you taking the time and sending this and I just wanted to answer this in a way that is honest to maybe help you understand where I stand, so I do not mean to demean or devalue anything you're saying

Firstly I don't really have healthy outlets/coping mechanism... I've learned the hard way not to ask friends, I don't matter that much for them to keep dealing with my constant distress. I just talk to a therapist but ye, once a week isn't enough and just today when I was speaking to him I made a confession that in the last 6 years, I had numerous times (way too many for my mind to comfortably recall) where I was in such an emotionally suffocating situation that I seriously had thoughts of ending my life. Recently, I seek out help more when it happens but I just feel like people are so desensitized to it and think that I'm acting up for attention, when I can't ever convey to anyone how difficult it is to live life for others, to live life on a thread, on a constant tightrope, because I'm struggling to just stick around for myself.

My primary struggle is that I desperately struggle to find purpose, value, and meaning in my existence, and these are somethings I need because I can't just... be. Because I've mentally touched the void; I've reached such a low point that I don't see or feel beauty and intrigue in the world anymore, I don't feel as vivaciously as before, all I feel is deep sorrow, because I know the world lost it's glow to me and It's not just because the world is going to hell right now, it's because I feel things deeply and having the realization that I have to continue living even when I don't desire it and have to watch everyone I love and care for grow old and fade away and be able to not do anything about it. It's torture...

The problem with purpose is I have to genuinely believe in it or else it'll just crumble into a breakdown and I haven't been successful at finding purpose, at feeling genuine value in my existence.

I made the grave mistake recently of attaching meaning to someone I was in love with in a way that was all too deluded and idyllic and now that that's rightfully fallen through I'm just hurting again. You could say maybe what would give me purpose and value would be love, but I don't know anymore, everyone I've ever loved in my life didn't even feel marginally similar to how I did... besides I'm not someone that catches eyes anyway; I'm not someone people look at twice.

And now I struggle just to exist and continue doing so only because I never want to hurt anyone but I cant begin to explain how difficult it is and how gut-wrenching the sorrow and dread of existence is. I keep having really fucking nightmarish days where I just keep thinking that I can't do it anymore...

I keep continuing but I don't have any hope and I don't believe there is anything good waiting for me in the future... when can I just acknowledge this as a terminal illness and just be allowed to let go... why do people perceive it as preventable when my mind has been so badly damaged it will never be the same again; I find it so impossible to feel or believe anything good or modest about myself:

All I know is misery.

P.S. after years of different therapists, medications, therapeutic approaches, change of life conditions etc. no one has been able to help me ward off the unshakeable thought and "truth": that I will take my life... it may not be today or anytime soon, but I just know it will happen with how intense and unbearable some days get, and those days happen all too frequently and the more they happen the more I just lose my mind and just want to take the leap.

[butterscotch-brigade]

update abt the situation from yesterday

hey, i have an important update regarding the whole situation yesterday w my gfs vocaloid fact blog and the person who got upset with her. this person recently reached out to me and confirmed that they were NOT the person who sent the suibait message to my gf. i initially thought they were due to the similarities between the message and their blog title at the time, but those similarities were just a coincidence. that being said, i apologize for being so hasty and assuming it was them. i dont want to spread misinformation and accuse someone of something they never did, and i am truly sorry for that. i will delete any tags where i mention this, as well as deleting some of my meaner, harsher posts abt the situation. i apologize for those as well; i dont want to contribute to any harassment you may be receiving. i will also add a comment to the aita post confirming that you did NOT send those messages to my gf, as i cant delete my initial comment there.

this person has since reached out to my gf and apologized to her as well. and while i cannot speak for her, i do want to say that i am grateful that this person has made the effort to reach out and acknowledge this whole thing. if that person is reading this, thank you, and i am once again sorry for spreading misinformation. i genuinely hope you get help and maybe take a break from the internet for a while to focus on yourself and your mental health. i appreciate you reaching out and i want the best for you. no hard feelings ok?

take care, peace and love - ava/vani/lucas

ps: to everyone else reading this, please do not pester this person. i dont know if any nasty messages were sent to them on my behalf, but if they were, i do NOT condone that behavior. to an outsider, and even to myself at the time, i can see how a situation like this may seem amusing at first, but it's important to remember there are real people behind the screen; i apologize for potentially contributing to any dehumanization of this person through my posts about the situation.

[littlx-songbxrd]

I'm trying to avoid giving too many spoilers but here is the section I feel iffy about.

Kieran pulled her away from his shoulder to look at her face. She wasn’t looking him directly in the eye, instead opting for his long eyelashes. “I understand why you feel that way. I know all too well it is both a blessing and a curse to feel as we do. This is not your fault. None of this is your fault.”

Alyssa whined in protest. 

“I understand that you may have been told otherwise. You may have been told as a child that you were overly dramatic or too sensitive, a burden on others. But this is all nonsense. I may not have known you for very long, but I know this to be true. You are a good person Alyssa. You wouldn’t be this bothered by your own supposed failures if you did not care. Yes it’s true you are emotional and prone to anger, occasionally short sighted and stubborn but you are also passionate and kind. You are full of light and I enjoy being in your presence. Your dissatisfaction with your reality and the world surrounding you is not a flaw. It is powerful, and if you can harness that power it can be used to create things of great beauty. It can be used to improve upon the world.” He smiled at her. “And eventually you will come to realize that there is so much to love about this world. So much beauty and complexity, perfect imperfections, and through that, you realize that the same is true of yourself.”

Hmm okok this is iffy because while i do like parts of it, i can totally see why you think some of the advuce wouldnt resonate for Aly. I really enjoyed the last part but outting myself in Alyssas shoes at first i just felt, a bit anmoyed on her behalf. Because thats how 4s minds work. Sometimes, there are people who want to reasure that they understand but at desintegration points every attempt of understanding almost does the opposite effect. Accepting someone moght get it and is looking out for you is almost an insult, because what ive sat around and accepted my solitude to be told my issues arent mine alone? That ive isolated to the point i truly cannot trust anyone want or attempt to understand me and when the damage is done now people want to go ahead and get it?

I think the "this is nonesense" part is what looks the most iffy to me. In my very extremly humble opinion

The thing is im not a 4, so I cant 100% say of my advise will work or not. But maybe restructuring the beggining moght help? As if, less "i get it" more

Talk about his own experience? Kierans has been through desintegration and he totally understand the 4 trauma. Hes the first one to know of years ago youd have told him "hey i get your pain" he'd look at you horrified to.

Wouldnt it be more validating putting it into words? Bonding on the "youve been made to bla bla bla and this this this" ans at some point kieran isnt even sure if hes still talking about aly or himself. But its the aithenticity of his words that truly crack at least, smth, in Alyssa that he actually has some understanding of what shes talking about.

Perhaps also some awcknoladgement he will never understand Alyssas world the same way she can never hope to understand his? Idk i feel like thatd be important for 4s. To actually take into account eachs uniqueness while discussing their trauma.

Fours are sometimes like oil and water to eachother because they want to hold on to the idea of their solitude so highly they will 100% miss the fact they can help eachother. Im noy saying thats whats gonna go on here, im just saying its important fpr 4 to respect eachothers "otherness" if they want to help because if not it will turn into chaos

But thats all i have!!

[elysiuminfra]

oh my gosh i am very curious as to what opinions/hc’s you cant stand about j&h. and which ones you love the most… seeinf youre very opinionated and stuff i hope it would be ok to share!!! 🙏

HIII i see ur other asks btw and im gonna get to those but ill take it one at a time.

first and foremost: no hate to anyone who has these interpretations, i just think it’s not “true” to the original themes of the story, and at sometimes can fall into mischaracterization entirely. sometimes this is fine, i don’t think people are bad people for this, i just disagree and can get really angry over it- but that’s just because j&h has been a special interest for years on my behalf, so im very passionate about it.

im of the opinion that jekyll/hyde, though there is a degree of separation between them (in the way one doesn’t feel like themself when under extreme amounts of stress), are essentially the exact same person- the distance between them is marked by depersonalization and intense mood swings. it’s a little more complicated than im letting on, since the way i think about it is lifted from my experiences with schizoaffective disorder (mania, depersonalization, disassociation, addiction) but also a part of me worries im setting a negative example for mentally ill/queer people by writing an antagonist this way. but im mentally ill so i do what i want. i just don’t like to personally think of it as a DID situation, cause 1. unless the person who has this head canon HAS DID, it’s almost always written as ableist (and ppl with DID who see it that way are perfectly fine- it’s just people who DONT have it often write it distastefully) and 2. i just think this interpretation detracts from the reality of jekyll was always the one in control. but also i don’t think we can really apply psychology to this situation WITHOUT making it somewhat problematic, since adding labels to jekyll’s condition is difficult and can fall into ableist stereotyping or complete misinterpretation. i write jekyll as a mentally ill addict. because i, MYSELF, am a mentally ill addict, but i don’t really label him beyond what symptoms he experiences unlike many others. that is my little cross to bear i guess but i try not to fault people (especially younger fans) from having different interpretations since mine comes from a more personal place (as well as trying to avoid shooting myself in the foot by negatively stereotyping my own lived experiences)

anyway my the worst offender in terms of hcs is the infantilization of hyde and jekyll. typically there’s one or the other. hyde is either portrayed as extremely (UNSETTLINGLY) young, or innocent and just rambunctious, and entirely separate from jekyll - or people see jekyll as an entirely good person corrupted by Hyde’s influence, and not that he was already an unhealthy person. and, overall, that they are entirely separate, FULLY FORMED people when, as we see during the breakdown in the book, both jekyll and hyde are essentially figments, masks to wear under the guise of respectability. neither of them are the “true” jekyll. also, they fuck. hyde fucks. sorry to say but he probably fucks daily. it is an unfortunate reality we must contend with that jekyll is just weirdly horny. people ignore this but it must be said that jekyll is a horny old man. i don’t think he’s a genuine sex pest like SOME portrayals (COUGH COUGH MUSICAL) but i do think he has a lot of unhealthy ideas about it. ask me about my jekyll being queer thoughts and ill write you an essay. also adding to this i hate jekyde it disgusts me it pisses me off sorry to anyone who follows me who likes it but i will never ever write it that way and any and all interpretations i see like that revile me.

also, a general pet peeve - i hate when people draw them young. i guess it’s fine, i just can’t not see them as old men. even hyde, to me, appears in his mid-to-late 30s. (though I keep it intentionally vague.) i don’t see any of the main cast being under the age of 45, with the exception of minor characters such as the witness and several members of jekyll’s staff.

as for my FAVORITES (oh ehehehe) im a huge jekyll/utterson fan for purely self indulgent reasons. I interpret their relationship as romantically charged, and AMPHIMAL revolves around this principal- but ohhh it’s a tragedy anon it’s a TRAGEDYY. they never get together, and any affection is marked by shame. (a lot of amphimal deals HEAVILY with the politics of the time, which includes patriarchal thinking / fear of being outed as gay which, at the time, was punishable by prison time - 3-5 years of hard labor, sometimes more - but the death penalty had been lifted not too long before the start of amphimal, which still lingers in the public memory) (adding: and being transgender was basically just not a recognized thing: important because utterson is trans in my retelling) but I do have many many drawings of the two of them in romantic endeavors despite the fact that it never happens in story proper. the longing hurts more when you are denied what you want.

but ok so like. long story short? i have specific interpretations about the relationships between certain characters, as well as the conditions of them in general - IM NOT THE AUTHORITY ON THIS THOUGH!!! i just try to stay true to the original idea of jekyll being an extremely unreliable narrator. ending this with the musical is my enemy. yes i will listen to confrontation on repeat bevause Anthony warlow sings like an angel but FUCK I HATE THE MUSICAL. except they did something with long hair jekyll. that was cool. anyway bye

anyway i see the rest of your asks and i am getting to them on this fine morning (this was an absolute treat to wake up to!)

[phati-sari]

Hello pati sari! I hope you’re okay, I often find myself coming to read your blog because I just love your opinions on everything and I mostly agree with u. I recently started watching IPKKND again after 10 long years and while it’s sooo good, I cant help but think about one thing. I wish Arnavs daadi was there to see Shyam getting exposed! I feel like it would’ve been a good end to the track if she apologised to khushi for treating her like crap. What do you think?Thanks :))) xx

Hello!!

I'm so glad you're enjoying the blog! Thanks for the compliment!

I don't really care about Dadi. It’s hard for me to explain but I’m not – and have never been – invested in what Dadi does. I have opinions on her character but very few on the track. I have mad respect for the way Dadi came out fighting for Arnav. After more than a decade in the ashram, she arrived in Shantivan immediately after finding out that he and Anjali were in trouble. I like that. But she didn’t really add anything to the story – it was always heading towards the remarriage and she was simply the vehicle.

To me, Khushi is innocent, and what’s important is that the people she loves and cares about know it. I don’t have an opinion on whether Dadi ‘deserved’ an explanation or feel any satisfaction (or lack thereof) with the way the track was handled.

Yours is a popular opinion, rooting in a sense of injustice on Khushi’s behalf. She was wronged by Dadi, and the audience wants to 'fix' it. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with this but it’s just not the way I interpret the show. I don’t feel that injustice and I’ve never identified with the ~bechari Khushi~ vibe of popular fandom opinions.

Thanks for asking!

[perpetually-sad-but-its-fine]

10x07 of chicago pd

3 minutes in and i'm already crying on behalf of ms. upton

hailey upton take care of yourself challenge

‘when was the last time you slept?’

‘in a bed?’

HAILEY PLEASE

JUST TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

this is like 10x05 all over again anD I CANT DEAL WITH WATCHING HAILEY SLOWLY DESTROY HERSELF

hailey’s desperate ‘this is it. right?’ is kiLLING ME

MS. GURL IS HANGING ON BY A THREAD

JAY COME BACK TO YOUR WIFE 

trudy’s deadpan of ‘my arts and crafts project’

somebody make a compilation of trudy platt being the mother of intelligence

please

i need it

the transition from fake work to real work was SMOOTH

bro i love episodes like this

like the ones that are a compilation of their work w/ the voiceover in the background

lowkey reminds me of 7x18

LMAOOOO 

voight: ‘RustAndStardust’?

kim: a ‘lolita’ reference :/

voight: *the face of ‘ah, okay, im too old for this bs’

burgess and upton!

buRGESS AND UPTON

BURGESS AND UPTON

their heart-to-heart is making me cry

we deserve more of upgess

its a need

why do i feel like this PPO is gonna screw things up?

torres trying his best to look calm and inconspicuous

hailey is holding onto her life in her hands

‘marty’ just jumped over the railing?!

brO??

bro sounded like a whiny child when he said ‘nOt aNYmOrE’

hailey looking like a disappointed mom makes me cackle

ew ew ew ew

yuck yuck yuck yuck

ruzek

good job

you sound like a creep

please stop

who’s this girl???

oh nooooo

shit’s about to hit the fan

noooooooooooo

i do not like this

at all

oh ew no

this is reminding me of 4x13 where jay has to go undercover in that centre for teenage girls and one of the girls gets touchy w/ him???

ugh

no

no thank you

this must’ve been to AWKWARD TO FILM

ew

i could never

torres running towards and then swerving back to helms looked so funny to me

OF COURSE HE DIES

OF COURSE

WE CAN NEVER HAVE SOMETHING GO RIGHT CAN WE

HAILEYYYY

MY BABYYYYYYY

‘i used to sober up my dad’

god chicago pd writers just LOVE making me cry

the girls taking turns talking to amber

i wanna see them have an episode to themselves where they’re kicking ass and taking names

its a need

ambER GIVE SOMETHING UP

oH GOD THE SCARS ON HER FEET

WAS SHE ABDUCTED WHEN SHE WAS A KID??

kim calling hailey ‘hail’ is all i need in life rn

ruzek and upton could have a brother-sister relationship but NOOOOO

we just get MORE unnecessary conflict

haILEY GO HOME AND SLEEP

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

she looks like she’s about to cry

don't do this to my heart 

she’s not gonna go home is she?

oH I FUCKIN CALLED IT

NO

sean if you don’t get your rat face off my screen, i will punch it

hailey if you don’t get your cute ass home rn, i will reach thru the screen and put you to bed myself

hearing hailey call jay her husband makes me happy and then i remember the context and i start crying

hoLD ON

THEYRE NOT EVEN CALLING????

CMON

MY HEART CANT TAKE THIS

sean i hate your face

go jump off a cliff

haiLEY

DONT DO THIS

CMON

THIS IS GONNA END REALLY BADLY

sean you lying rat

i WILL murder you

‘iM gLaD YoU cAMe’

bitch shut the fuck up

stop smiling at her like that

i will punch you

‘i'll se ya’

‘hOpE sO’

S H U T   U P

‘gotcha’

her smile is so BEAUTIFUL

upzek friendship supremacy

the fact that she admits the truth to a CRIMINAL

good lord

hailey

please

for the love of god

go to therapy

oH GOOD LORD

HERE WE GO

oh goodie

voight and a lawyer

this is gonna be fun

surprised that there’s not more yelling or argument

bro what

how does the inside of an abandoned building

LOOK LIKE THAT

it’s like a frickin mansion

ohhh nooo

the little girl’s room

oh goddd

of course they’re too late

nothing can ever go right, can it?

FUCKIN CHIEF O’NEAL

OF COURSE

THIS BITCHASS IS JUST GONNA STAND ASIDE WHILE HIS SON TRAFFICS HUMANS

OF COURSE

SUCH GOOD PARENTING

bro if you don’t shut UP

‘he’s my kid’

HES A SEX TRAFFICKER

HES HURTING SO MANY PEOPLE YOU ASS

‘you don’t think i don’t know if my son doesn’t have a problem?’

YOUR SON HAS MORE THAN A PROBLEM

MY G O D

he’s not gonna believe hank is he?

yep

i was right

you don’t get your hands off of voight riGHT NOW

im going to K I L L him

i’ll do it

i will

[genshinimpactlife]

hii im kuro, may i request a genshin matchup? mainly sfw but itd b okiee if u add nsfw content.

im genderfluid so my pronouns/presentation change a lot. im also ok with any genders (if its ok to add, pls dont match w tighnari if possible!! just for personal reasons)

basic stuff would be like, intp, virgo, 162cm, 43kg, vampirekin. usually i present myself either as a cute girl or a cute boy w usually no in-between.

i like cats, a lot. i had like a massive hyperfixation(??borderline special interest) on them in my childhood for a few years and obsessively researched them so i'd say im really good w them and cats approach me a lot.

behind that, i reallly like fashion. i really really love v-kei, gyaru, ouji, lolita and anything princess/princely. i like to design clothes and such, i'd like to be a fashion designer of sorts one day.

just other general stuff i like would be night and walking around in active night scenes (as expected of a vampirelul), tidiness, cities, skincare, looking good, good food, ect. i really like getting into debates and stuff too.

i dislike. like. dogs, sunlight, dirty/messy/loud-chaotic ppl. i really really hate violence even though im not opposed to fighting someone on behalf of someone close to me/my honor.

my personality would best be described as introverted but not shy. i like to mind my own business and be a mystery to just abt everyone, even those im closest to. i usually dont care much for romance and i like giving affection (dont rlly like receiving it unless?? they want to). i platonically flirt a lot and call most of my friends petnames. i can be judgmental to people im not familiar with, so id probably need someone whose not gonna get upset if i have a lot of foes lol.

i dislike being the one to start things and prefer being the one asked out/invited out/ect. i can hold my own ground fine, but i prefer others doing things for me. plus, if someone else makes the first move, its easier to know what to do.

i can be funny, im usually the "joking" friend but not the therapist one since i cant comfort ppl/i usually will just give the hard truth.

id apparently have an electro vision according to a bunch of tests ive taken, and id use a sword.

tyyyy ^..^

I would match you with...

Kaeya is outgoing and confident, so he would be the one to ask you out first.

You and Kaeya would absolutely have a pet cat, probably more than one.

He loves all your fashion styles and always buys you accessories for your outfits.

You two do your skincare together every morning and night, and neither of you ever skip it.

He would understand that you prefer to give affection more than receive it, and he would always tone it down for you.

He loves your funny personality; you two are always cracking jokes.

He always avoids discussing any violence that may come with his job as a knight since you don't like it.

Kaeya is 100% the type to also be judgemental at times so he would have no problem with it.

I hope you enjoy! <3

[jonnyardor]

Essentially, I'm a believer

God has a plan of hope and a future

Each of His Children , born to be regal

Eyes on the kingdom, priorities suitcha

Actually, I am a dreamer

Head against wall, endanger my suture

Greeted with Jonathan Livingstone Seagull

Given this name by my music teacher

Burkhard Lange was right, I desire new heights

Face Goliath and fight, I rely on His might

I have not lost my mind, (cuz I)

Walk by faith not by sight,

Taught myself how to fly,

Crashed n cried many times,

I have been ostracised,

Had to leave them behind

[Chorus]

Wonderfully made

For a mission and a bigger purpose

Wonderfully made

God, I listen and I'll be of service

Verse 2

Grew up surrounded, siblings and parents, cynics and skeptics

Critics and doubters, some of them hecklers

Something about me,

must've been triggering, had em all bickering, snickering

Characteristics of me were just antics to them, they tried to change me with tactics

Groupthink's astounding, I could no longer allow

their fear of being judged to stop me

From living and laughing out loud

View myself proudly,

Sound mind and body, head cloudy,

Broke guy with hobby, they assumin I call em for money, my birthday's forgotten,

Show and tell me that you love me

[Bridge]

Mom never cared to intervene

on behalf of me, pleading me to

seek the peace and squash the beef

Do it for the family

(He'll steal our house)

All this strife because of me

I replied now angrily, Cant you see

all they've done and said to me

Agressively, That vexes me

(You've always been weird)

No regards collectively

outright rejection, too proud for apologies

Either explosive or simply ignoring me

And her trimestre, you horrible sisters

(Couldn't be me)

why deny the way you feel, the hate is real, draining me, shaming me, be forreal,

Are you blaming Dad's heart attack

Unconsciously on her pregnancy

(What?!)

[Chorus]

Wonderfully made

God, I listen and I'll be of service

Wonderfully made

For a mission and a bigger purpose

Wonderfully made

God, I listen and I'll be of service

[flightlesspoetry]

i don’t really know how to tell you this, but i’ve kinda got a really big list of little things i love about you

like your smile and your laugh, the way you go on rants about math, and all the helpful things you do on my behalf

you always make me smile when i cant cope your love shines on me like the moon through your telescope you make me feel so much fucking hope

i really love all the stupid jokes you tell, and you always laugh at mine as well don��t wanna be falling for you, but what the hell

cause you’re on my mind like all day all the time when you look at me my heart rate climbs and it’s weird, but i feel like i’ve known you my whole life

i just wanna spend every moment with you i’ve been lying awake at night, if only you knew how often i wonder if you ever dream about me too

you’re just so fucking lovely, you make my heart melt i wonder if i’ll ever be so lucky to have you all to myself you are by far the most amazing feeling i’ve ever felt

[twelveletterstoyou]

1

To Harry,

Growing up alongside you was all summers. I honestly cant remember a single moment of my childhood without you next to me. Since we were in cradles we were eachothers home base; or atleast, you were mine. Whispering secrets to eachother under soft blankets while my parents were away and seeing which jellybean flavour was our least favourite (it was black licorice) we spent every moment of every day together. You were my brother. As the years have passed I find myself wondering what you're doing at this current moment; do you have a midterm you're studying for? I look out of my window and wonder if you're looking at the same sky I am right now. I'm sorry for how I turned out. I apologize to myself everytime I smoke because I remember who we used to be when we were young and hope you can forgive me on behalf of my younger self. Two sides of the same coin never seen without the other and now I see you once a year at most. I hope you think about me from time to time too. Regret fills me everytime I remember us laughing and fooling around at the pool when we were growing up, I always was a better swimmer than you after all. One day you surpassed me and I don’t think I ever forgave you for that. I don’t think I will ever forgive you for outgrowing me but I hope you can forgive me for outgrowing you. I thought life would get easier once I got out of our town but I guess I was wrong. Im alone. sometimes I wonder, if I were to stop caring so much all the time if anyone would notice? You wouldn't. You never did. I was always high strung, even as a child everything had to be perfect all the time. But you were there to balance me out by always being so relaxed. I was always so jealous of how you could live your life so carefree and yet be so adored. I wish people could adore me in the way I was mystified by you. Would our child selves be proud of where we are? Who we've become? Or would they walk past us whispering to each other and giggling. I've become everything I swore to never be. I hate the person I've grown into, so narcissistic, a nicotine addict, a stoner, someone who cares too much for so little in return. I never ask for much but I ask of you to look at the stars in the sky and think about how we used to cook marshmallows in my backyard under the moonlight in the hot summers. Surrounded by our siblings yet in a world completely foreign to their own. Harry, I know you will never read this and I hope you never do but remember our childhoods well.

Sincerely,

12.