#i cant talk abt this shit to anyone bc no one gets it. ill never be manly enough or womenly enough. hell i dont even want to be either.

[devildairymilkfairy]

[teddytoroa]

tbh one of the things that kinda gets to me abt the chemo is that i cant rly talk about it with anyone bc nobody else i know has experienced this and its just like. idk people freak out when im like yeah ill be on low dose chemotherapy for likely my entire life. which is understandable but that means i downplay it a lot when i talk abt it bc otherwise its suuuuuper heavy and i never wanna put that shit on folks. though some days its easier and i feel mostly normal tbh its not all bad its just when it hits it Hits. in some ways my life has improved a lot im not in nearly as much pain or bleeding etc that i was and i look way less yucky so my confidence is 📈 but its costing my energy and also maybe my hair. say la vee.

[fapper]

Im confusing asff… liie youll never understand me and i think nbobody truly even understands me bc i dont. EVEN I DONT. I hate talking about deep shit bc then ill get really sad and might start crying for real, im very insecure so if youre liking other girls pics BAM youre out… if youve ever LOOKED at a different girl than me then youre not the one. Im blocking you on everything if you dont reply back to me within 30 minutes (has happened before and how i broke up w my first bf💔 blocked his ass on everything bc he didnt text back) im honestly ugly so idk why your fwm 🤷‍♂️ i cant have a coherent conversation with anyone so if you ask me deep questions im blacking out 🤷‍♂️ im not smart im stupid so if you can solve elementary algebra ill think youre a genius and fall in love with you 🤷‍♂️ i lose feelings quick after getting 1 ick 🤷‍♂️ then youre blocked forever 🤷‍♂️ have to be nice and gentle with me at all times or i will cry bcuz ill think youre losing feelings and hate me and want me to die 🤷‍♂️ you are not having sex w me 🤷‍♂️ im uncomfortable abt that shit. No top no head from me 💯 im disgusted from penises and they look ugly.

[thatnarcissisticfeel]

hi! so i don’t rlly know how to even phrase this but lately i’ve had a lot of stuff getting worse, none of the “basic” diagnoses i have (like depression and anxiety and stuff) describes it at all. so i’ve started questioning if i maybe have a personality disorder bc it’d all make sense, both the behaviors and how i see the world and why its only getting worse and more noticeable now etc.

i keep finding myself in cluster B PD traits and lately ive been reading more on NPD and i genuinely completely see myself in the description of the covert subtype. i always blame others for everything and am completely unable of accepting or feeling guilt. nothing is ever my fault, its always someone else doing something or provoking me or it’s the way i was raised or it’s because of the system etc. i’m deeply insecure but hate showing any kind of vulnerability. when i’m in a vulnerable position i get ashamed and angry bc i cant stand feeling weak. i often get so angry i do shit that could easily destroy all the relationships i have. i never apologize (unless it’s a situation where i have to in order to save the relationship but still never actually feel sorry) bc that’s showing vulnerability and admitting i’m wrong. i always compare myself with others, i used to think this doesnt apply to me bc i generally don’t care about typical things such as popularity and status as i’ve always been an outcast - and it’s kind of a major part of my identity that i feel different than everyone else (even though its most likely just how i was forced to learn to cope with being excluded), but i’ve come to realize i absolutely do always see myself as “the worst one” in terms of mental health. i can’t stand others talking about their issues bc no you don’t even have it that bad at all, i’m worse. i feel like no one will ever be able to truly understand me bc the majority of people are npcs anyway. no one thinks for themselves, they dont have any self awareness and just do what they’re told. i treat others like shit but still expect them to be nice to me because i deserve it because i’m sick. i deserve more attention from doctors because of how unwell i feel. i should be the one that gets treated first. i obviously never voice these feelings but it makes me so pissed off when i have to wait like i’m never important enough for anyone. like there was this one case when i had to wait longer for my appointment bc some girl came in due to an emergency and all i felt was angry and annoyed and like when is it my turn to get taken seriously?? i completely lack affective empathy and very rarely genuinely care about others. others being sad annoys me and others being happy makes me angry, sometimes even to the point of having homicidal thoughts. i’m envious of pretty much everyone who i consider better off than me. and again i dont mean shit like money or clothes but more like just the ability to be normal, having close friends, being in a relationship, all that stuff i know i’ll never be able to have bc of my mental illnesses. i’ve never been able to form genuine relationships, i do have a few friends but they all mean nothing to me and are just there so i’m not lonely. i’ve never been able to feel love or affection for anyone. and when i think abt it i dont even really want to be like them, i just want to make them suffer. i lie to everyone and only reveal my “true” self when im having a breakdown and basically cant control myself anymore as i have so much suppressed anger inside i sometimes feel like i have to genuinely put effort into stopping myself from physically attacking others; who cares abt words when im that far gone. and even then i later turn it around and make it seem like im just depressed and stuff (which is true, but theres also so much more no one knows about). everyone around me considers me a shy meek polite nice caring person and it just feels so ironic.

idk what to do at this point, genuinely. writing it all down like this makes me sound so fucked up even though i act relatively normal when i’m stable enough. but in reality i feel like on the inside i’m just breaking, i’ve had to turn to drug abuse as its literally the only thing that helps me cope with everything & prevent me from being even more destructive (towards both others and myself) and its making me even more short tempered when im sober and even more paranoid someone’s going to find out and get me in trouble. my therapist knows about it but doesnt do shit. ive been on so many psych meds before but its as if literally nothing ever works on me. like i would never normally seek advice on tumblr out of all places but i thought just maybe i would get understood here as i keep getting just either ignored or insulted on places like reddit (sure jan calling me a psycho is definitely going to help my issues when all i did was fucking ask how to cope with my issues).

sorry abt the wall of text. do you have any advice? ive been going to therapy for years but its all useless. i cant be honest with anyone for pretty obvious reasons. i just really dont feel like living for much longer. but even just acknowledging this ask and not judging me would mean a lot.

I obviously can’t diagnose you, but I will say a LOT of what you said is behaviors that and I other NPDs do, which makes me think that even if you don’t have it, advice and such that is geared towards pwNPD could help you. Unfortunately there isn’t much self-help geared towards pwNPD (I say self-help bc clearly your therapist is not a good therapist for you and I know it would probably be difficult to get a new one), but DBT workbooks are a good place to start. I think they’re technically geared more towards BPD, but they can definitely still help narcissists. Stuff like this is why I hate how much NPD is stigmatized, because we all DO deserve help and we all DON’T deserve to feel like this.

It sounds pretty basic, but are you a part of anything like online NPD/cluster B support groups, ie discord servers? Obviously they’re not a cure-all, but even just being around people who have the same thing and who you don’t have to mask around can help. If you don’t have any I could happily provide some if I can find a public one. Of course, communities like that can be a hit or miss, but it’s definitely at least worth a shot to try to find a group of people who are struggling with the same thing.

Another piece of advice, which might sound completely neurotypical on the surface, is to start journaling or writing down feelings. It might seem like just a small thing but having a place that only you can access where you can talk about things like vulnerability could be a good starting point, because at least you’re admitting it to yourself and getting it out there in some way. Lying to everyone and not being able to show your true self is really exhausting, so having one space that’s yours and yours only where you can learn to be comfortable with being vulnerable — even if it’s just to yourself — is a tiny thing that can work wonders. It doesn’t have to be some super dramatic “dear diary, woe is me” type thing, it can be something as simple as “Today I fucked up, and I know I fucked up, but I still blame xyz, I hate xyz.” That way you’re getting the vulnerable thoughts AND the angry thoughts out there without 1.) hurting others with the angry thoughts or 2.) having to show vulnerabity which would hurt you.

Of course the end goal might be to “unlearn” the behaviors, so to speak, but that can’t be done overnight, and until it is done, it’s better to have a few places to be open, even if it’s just amongst yourself or other pwNPD.

I hope this helped, lmk if you need more advice — and definitely know that you’re not alone, as cheesy as it sounds.

[b4byb4ts]

ive been gone for SO so long but i think i want to start using this acc as like a but of a diary type thing--

so.. last time i was here i was super deep in my ed and going through a LOT of shit.. since then i accidentally recovered from my ed, not as much mentally but i have gained,,all of the weight i lost back,, i eat pretty "normal" but i still feel incredibly guilty and feel like the "i never want to eat again" type feelings..

i lost one of my closest friends bc of my ed, and though it has completely destroyed me,, honestly it was probably for the best, its part of why i recovered. he told me he didnt think i would ever recover after he tried to force me to and i said i didnt want to, but after that we stopped talking (his choice not mine) and i at first took it as a "okay well im going to get as sick as i possibly can" but then realized that was what he wanted so i instead forced myself to recover fully out of spite as a big "fuck you" to him.. and i even tried to tell him thinking fkr some reason he would care. he didnt. i got a thumbs up and a good luck along with the most like.. "youre a waste of space" type of look ive ever gotten. and it COMPLETELY destroyed me.

moving on... i got a new job at a v popular coffee shop in my town and its absolutely amazing, everyone i work with is absolutely lovely and i just love it so so much.

I also got back with my boyfriend and ive never been happier in a relationship, im absolutely sure that he is "the one" like i trust him more than my own mother and im more comfortable around him than anyone ive ever been with before everything is just so so lovely.

not that everything has been perfect like it sounds though,,, im still not mentally recovered, again, better than before, but still not great,, i constantly crave my ed like i want to relapse so bad i just,, cant for some reason,,?

more on,, health,, mental AND physical,,, i got diagnosed with pretty much a chronic illness, i still dont know the cause for it,, like i have treatment for the symptoms but no clue what the cause is. i got diagnosed with adhd during my ed but that is,, obviously still there,, i just very recently got told by my therapist that she thinks i may be autistic,,, i looked into it and it seems VERY possible which is,, a lot to think about because i have no clue how to tell my parents or if ill even be able to get diagnosed,, plus ive got a TON of shit with my family going on,,, my dad lives in a different state but there's a LOT going on with him which stresses me out,,a lot.

OH one last thing -- i learned to crochet!!! i learned with,,, disordered intentions (i thought if i learn to crochet i will be using my hands more so it will be easier to not eat) but i love it SO SO much, I'll probably be posting a lot abt crochet now because its like,, all i do lmaoo

anyway, thats all ive got for now i think -- hopefully i wont just disappeared again (even though nobody actually reads this-) but if you are reading, thank u so much for actually caring enough to read all of my rambles <3

[girlwithfish]

that musician guy i saw like twice keeps txting me idk if its getting weird like surely im not the only availahle like p*ssy for u to get idk? maybe i am easy LOL. sometimes i worry about that thanks @ my ex for making me super insecure abt that even tho i would never call another person easy maybe except like men i hook up w cuz idgaf but yeah ;/ Lol it confuses me tho cuz idk does he have nothin else to do or no one else to do yk😭i was confused his intentions but i think i understand cuz he doesn't like me romantically bc u can tell when someone likes u yk but he still puts effort to like talk to me like we like talk like friends ig kind of like actually conversations and not all hookups do that bc i hate when i cant even have a conversation w someone im sleeping w like i need to b able to talk to u and have some kind of connection like nothing serious but i dont want to feel like im just fucking a stranger and ideally i want to like them enough like just as a person and also i want them to try to pull me a little like compliment me or flirt like its soo boring and lame when ur texting someone u might sleep w but they like put no effort to talk to u or try to make u feel like good at all like rizz me up a little or else im bored and do not want to sleep w u LOLL idkk . but anyway w this guy like whenever i was w him wed just talk abt movies or normal shit so at least we cld talk but yk also fucked and iwas confused at first cuz i didnt understand his intentions but ik he doesn't want a relationship w me or like me but like wants to still hit ig as fwbs but at least he talks to me like a person but ig you could say hes just trying to get what he wants still but ig id prefer that over someone not talking to me as a person at all idk? but i have been super flaky with him not responding or saying im busy and hell txt me goodnight or like my insta stories or text me even when i dont respond to him asking to hang out IDK lol its kind of desperate ig 😭like does he want pussy that bad surely im not the only contender for him in terms of someone to sleep w IDK thats why. iwonder if im just easy cuz ill sleep w anyone almost(jk. not true. ofc. I have to like their vibe ok😭🙄) and idk but im confused why he keeps txting like does he want to hit that bad jesusss. and also he txted asking if i wanted to hang out on valentines day like WHAT 😭bro must b lonely. idk. i did like having sex w him but idk my hearts somewhere else rn...

[cherrysolosall]

idk what like disorder i have but its gotta pretty shitty cuz one day i feel like im gonna conquer the world and that im the prettiest and the next i feel like shit i cry my eyes put bcs i am objectively pretty and im attractive but im not pretty enough im not like THAT attractive like im not enough to be stared at for a few seconds longer or be noticed by anyone unless i have make them notice and it fucks me up so bad bcs everyone around me will always be enough and always be noticed but ill just stay behind ill always help my friend and her bf understand eachother ill always listen to my sister talk abt her bf ill always listen to my friend talk abt his gf but they wont ever get to listen to me talk abt my bf bcs i never am enough anyone ive ever liked always liked someone else and anyone who ever liked me are people that i dont know / dont find attractive at all and its shitty bcs i know how they feel i live it everyday i just cant reciprocate it sometimes i genuinely wonder if im just ugly and everyone is lying to me i hate being unlovable so much

[monumentalslutt]

still have a lot of love for my ex, not like he needs it but idk i cant just ditch him??? like even from afar, he’s fine obviously he’s got a gf he’s living his best life but i think i’ll always care about him. no matter how angry or sad i get my care for ppl is always stronger, i wish i knew how to make ppl know that. no matter how bitchy i be i really do still care and at the end of the day that’s the main thing. obviously he would never come to me if he needed someone bcs hes got other ppl and i’m not the only girl he’s loved but he’s still the only guy i’ve loved so it’s still hard for me. i think once i finally start loving someone else i’ll be chillin bcs their won’t be a lil empty space in my mental u know what i mean. i just don’t really talk to anyone and i’ve gotta know them in person be comfy with them and allat and feel loved by them before i really start loving you get what i mean. i think it’s also bcs of my other lil mental quirks that i love and feel emotions way more intensely than like my ex you know what i mean, need to find me another mentally ill cutie who will feel just as deeply as me. or at least one that is sane but understanding abt mental shit. rn i’m in a good mindset i like when i’m like this, like normal and chillin but in like a couple hours i’ll probably be angry or sad abt somethinf and ranting on here, but that’s what i mean, no matter how angry or sad i get this is still how i actually feel like, it just kinda gets hidden under my emotions bcs i don’t really think i just feel. if im angry i normally just want to make them know how upset they make me and i don’t really think a lot. i’m very controlled by my own emotions and it really has gotten a lot more like out there this year. 2023 not my year for real i’m doing worse than i ever have and dis shit don’t be going away. it’s not directly even caused by one thinf, i’m not emo just abt my ex or anything it’s geniunely my entire mental about everything. even if i got a new boyfriend i’d still have these exact same issues and still be just as controlled by my emotions, it would just be affecting him too. i think my mum is probably the biggest thing that’s “causing” anything per say but that’s from the last 16 years of constant issues with her. it’s unfair how life goes with those kinds of things, i never did anything to deserve that but it still happened now i just have to learn to deal with the consequences of someone else’s actions. Also this year is really like when my mum has really become a big like thing in my mental. it’s like all the build up of my whole life dealing with her has finally snapped and it’s all starting to really affect me. i think i’ll show my therapist this post bcs i’m not thinking emotionally for once, i’m just chillin sitting on the toilet and observing myself. i wish i felt like this all the time but honestly im upset or whatever you wanna call it just as much pr even more than i am just you know chillin hmmm anyways catch ya later alligator

[hoshiyoshis]

sorry abt being depressed on main

i feel like im always being overly dramatic and like ppl are rolling their eyes and talk shit whenever i ramble about my stupid personal shit tbh bc ugh daisys doing it Again n dumb bitch n something abt how i should just go ahead n kms which

tbh, shitty reaction, but understandable one bc i never shut up abt everything

i just cant help but feel… sick, ig. i dont think im meant for relationships. i keep telling myself that im working on myself and that one day ill hopefully get out and be ready to date

but like… when i really think abt it? im terrified. as much as i daydream abt shit, i cant think too long or i start getting choked up. if i really think about trusting someone enough to be intimate, or even kissing someone or even fucking holding hands, i get uncomfortable.

i dont think im meant to be loved and i think my ex and my abuser were meant to be reminders of that fact. why else would everything turn out like this? my shitty childhood and the neglect and the gaslighting and the screaming—if the people that were supposed to love me couldn’t, why would anyone else?

sometimes i just really wish there was a way out that didnt involve losing everything ive fought to have today. there isnt much there, but its more than nothing.

[strawberryezpls]

I should stop naming things life update like we get it girl.

July 31 2022

I keep thinking about this certain person. Im going to describe him in a way where only i would know who im talking abt bc if i dont hint I'll forget. But 3 years is a long time and you would think i moved on. But i have this mindset that ive had since i was a kid and its still affecting me till this day. I set goals for myself personal goals and once i reach half of the goal i need to complete it(that didnt make sense oops) ex: i said i wouldnt kiss anyone on the lips till highschool(or middle i forgot) and boom i technically complete that. I also said once i get a job i can start taking dating seriously which i havent really done bc that shit scares me. And so on. And sometimes i have goals that are connected to certain ppl. I can let go of these goals if i notice they arent the right person anymore. And ive removed everyone but 3. The first is someone I'll always wait for. 2nd is honestly if hes down(he never will be lol) and the 3rd. I havent even talked to him in years and i still think he fulfills my goals i have set for him. He was going to compelte all my goals that i set for myself when i was younger. It was initially my primary school bf but that shit wasnt gonna last. But then he took that spot. Hes not supposed to but he is. And i cant just erase that from my mind. He did me wrong, but i still think its okay bc its what i deserve. I mean do i deserve better idk. But i feel like i need him in my life again. But all it will do is break me. I think im looking for a reason to cry and be broken more. Its my choice if i want to stay broken. But its all that im used too. I was so fast to unblock him. And when i finally blocked him again last night it took 5 minutes. I think its obsession over how hes doing alright and im still broken . Its a alot of reasons of why i want him. But none of them are good enough to send that first text. I need to learn how to heal on my own and realize just bc hes doing well like nothing happened doesnt mean i get to stay broken. I can heal i can forget about him i can do it all.

Update: um this is awkward bc i dont think ill give any of them a chance rn tbh. If i think they're silly high school romances i wanted to happen. Also the last one he literally took advantage of me but i felt gulity and didnt think it was still dont but i have to remind myself what he did wasnt okay. Anways the first guy could be one out of 2 of the ppl i could be waiting for. But im guessing it was my sophomore yr crush. Which is odd bc im pretty sure he never liked me back and liked someone else instead. And the second guy i deserve better than someone who takes a week just to respond even if hes "busy". So i think ive finally let go of him bc IF HE WANTED TO HE WOULD!!!!!

[lettuce-seize-the-day]

:// i think my poor kitty has a UTI :(( but i might just have anxiety and noticed him peeing a few times and thought it was a lot but i just had bad timing! or am I trying to convince myself of that bc i don't have the funds to pay for a vet appointment when he had his checkup and vaccination one a MONTH ago. :((

[m4rkiza]

pile of headcanons

bunch of raihan/leon headcanon nonsense from my twit*r

theres alot under the cut, warning : its cheesy, also, i headcanon raihan calling leon "bubu"

Raihan is really good at baking and leon is great at cooking savory & spicy food, raihan likes spicy food and leon likes baked goods, they complete each other

Leon so thick and firm he'd be so good to hug and raihan took advantage of that, holding his bubu until leon complains or whine, yknow when ur pet looks so cute and u hug them, like that

leon contacts name on raihans phone is like "♥💖my bubu♥💕", but raihans contact name on leons phone is "Raihan" with capital R

raihan complained about it, showed leons contact name on his phone, leon is surprised bc he thought his contact name on raihans phone is just "Leon" or "Lee"

then leon changes rai's contact name too "🥰raihoney💖

leon doesnt look like the guy who'd be extra on hair and skin treatment, the reason his hair and skin (especially his hair) is unbearably soft and shiny is bc raihan kept reminding him to do so (and buying it)

sometimes leon act spoiled so raihan will do an entire haircare for him

yes raihan do it bc he loves leon unconditionally and he thinks leon deserves it

raihan has a dirty mouth and uses every swear word but for some reasons, around leon all he can say is "jerk" "ugly" and "dumb"

raihan does that bc all he remember when hes with leon is pet names and how-to-coo-and-woo-your-boyfriend

raihan being leons moral compass feels fitting, not bc leon is dumb but bc leon himself is swallowed by his own title and got the hero complex, making him selfless and have a hard time to say no

raihan is there to "what the fuck are you thinking, dont do that baby, you'll die"

but leon seems stubborn yes? he wont listen if people just say "no", he'd ask the reason why, and if the said person doesnt give a clear answer, he leaves but raihan always tries to explain him in full description, short & long lasting damage, consequence etc

so obviously leon listens, and as time goes by, raihan is.. his moral compass, in a way

raihan playfully growls while squeezing leons body parts but its definitely not so playful in leons mind

raihan always ask leon to wear his freshly-washed-hoodie at sunday so when he go to work at monday, his hoodie will smell like leon

raihans laugh is like "aha haha haha *low volume wheeze* phew heehee" and leon got a laugh that can trigger an earthquake

Raihan sneeze like a kitten while leon sneeze like a buldozer

Leon muffles his laugh by hugging raihan so it wont surprise anyone around them

leon demanding affection from raihan by giving him stupid empty threats

leon : Kiss me or ill

raihan : u will what

leon : i-i will shrink your hoodie and make it mine

raihan : no, now come here bubu

In reality, leon doesnt need to do "things" to get raihans attention, raihan told him he can just ask or "just sit on my lap or tug my shirt and ill cuddle and kiss you till the next day", but leons ego is too high for that so he does stupid shit instead

raihan is very loved by leons family bc surprisingly hes able to stop leon and hop from fighting

if u ask how, raihan simply pick up leon up and walk away

aihan is the only guy who leon will listen too and got called as the "champion tamer"

but all raihan do is just

raihan : bubu, no

leon : no..?

raihan : leon. no

leon : no...

then nag him softly while explaining the consequences, sometimes short and long term effect it depends on the situation

leon is stubborn, so it took sometime to convince him that his plan or an action he almost took to partake is very impulsive or doesnt give a good result

the thing is leon is not stupid, infact hes quite brilliant, therefore its hard to convince him if a person who tries to stop him doesnt have a similiar mind like he is, but thankfully theres raihan

for some reasons raihan is able to found leon in any occasion so the league staff ALWAYS calls him whenever leons gone

league staff : mr rai-

raihan : is it leon

league staff : yes

raihan : im on my way

leon likes to ask raihan for hairbands bc he kept losing them

raihan : bubu, isnt this your third time asking for them this week

leon : ....yes..?

raihan spoiling leon bc he feels he wants to make up for him, bc he wasnt available near leon when fought eternatus

leon follows raihan everywhere in the winter and kept pressing himself to him, whenever raihan question whats wrong leon just looked him in the eye and "im warming you up"

leon is small by raihans perspective but he hugs leon tight anyway

raihan is possessive of leon hes THAT hot, charismatic yet very adorable, leon is the one who keeps his chin up and soothe his fears, and hes the champion, everyone wants the champion, u think he'll let go that easily? no, never

and leon is probably possessive too, raihan is a hot nerd, affectionate and gentle, hes the one who push him to his best, the one who also stops him for doing too much, hes his source of comfort and he wont let go and wont let anyone take his raihan away from him for sure

10 years of friendship and healthy rivalry means 10 years of being on each others live, being one of the biggest contributor and supporter for the other, who pushes to the limit yet stopping when one is too close to the edge of the cliff

no matter if its platonic or romantic, they wont let anyone take their rival, friend and lover away that easy, you wont let anyone try to take away one of the important and huge part of your life

raihan big, so hes the big spoon, he loves cooing right at leons ears and kissing the back of his neck, shoulders and sometimes reaches forward to press a sloppy wet kiss to leons cheek

leon crying to raihan when he founds out raihan smokes when hes stressed out, and begging the other to stop and talk to him instead or cope with healthier way

raihan doesnt need an alarm clock to wake him up, leons just need to grin and say "good morning!" its so bright it WILL wake him up

raihan and leon lives together and since then the outfit leon has on his wardrobe is a collection of formal tailored outfits and his battle tower outift, some booty shorts and work out clothing, and obviously underwear and socks.the rest he just stole from raihan

especially t-shirts, hoodies, and jacket, raihan seeing him walking and opening his wardrobe after shower is such a common occurence that he doesnt even need to ask anymore

raihan looks like the type who carries lipbalm and hand cream in his hoodie pocket, he carries 2, 1 cocoa lipbalm for him and honey lipbalm for leon. whenever he met leon, he applies the lip balm on him, it becomes habit that leon even raise his chin up for raihan

leon can sleep alone fine, but when he woke up he felt groggy,but if he slept on top of raihan he'd woke up like he had a perfect 8 hours sleep even tho he slept for only 5 hours

raihan is a heavy sleeper but waking up with leon glued to his chest/back make his whole day better,especially when he woke up to leon peppering his face with kisses to wake him up

raihan being lowkey flustered and overwhelmed by leons beauty/cuteness/sexiness/everything while leon is being clingy and acting spoiled around him

leon cant be serious around raihan, when he saw the gym leader,he automatically let his guard down infront of him, changing from champion leon to leon from postwick, all giddy and happy

leon unzips his champion outfit and once raihan heard the zipping sound he zooms to leon to plant his face between leons chest

if leon wants attention from raihan he will do various things from holding his arm and press his head to raihans shoulders,sitting on his lap and loop his arm around raihans neck,hugging him from the front and put on a cute face

but if raihan wants attention he just, hug leon from behind,put his head on leons shoulder and doesnt let go until leon does SOMETHING

leon has been taking care of others for so long,so when raihan takes care of him ,its a new,yet quite familiar feeling.

its hard to accept since he felt bad about receiving the attention,but raihan kept doing it until leon tend to act spoiled around him

raihan always kiss leons forehead before he sleeps,when raihan is away, he has the urge to videocall raihan so he can coo him to sleep,but hes too embarrassed to do it

he thought abt that and raihan suddenly videocalling him,its noon on the region he visited, and hes like "heeeey, i just want to say good night to my beloved!! good night leon,sweet dreams,sorry bc i cant kiss your forehead but ill kiss u 10x more when im back"

leon was shocked and stared to his camera "lee? fuck,is the connection that bad-" and leon stuttered "n-no! i was surprised...thank you darling, have fun and stay safe okay?"

"of course! dont stay up thinking abt me for too long,i love you so much bubu,good night!

"..good afternoon raihoney,i love you too" leon stayed up for the next 20 minutes rolling around the bed screaming

raihan actually helps leon on taking care of his dragons, which made leons dragonmons actingspoiled around raihan,and sometimes leon thinks that his dragons loves raihan more than him

raihan plays with his dragonmon as if hes playing with a yamper,calling them "cute little babywubby" and playing with their hands,kissing their foreheads and lays with them on the floor,and of course leon joins in by laying on top or next to raihan

even leon have seen raihan carrying his dragapult like a baby with a baby axew hugging his legs, raihan is legit a dragon pokemon magnet

raihan has a habit of cooing or complimenting at leon even when hes doing the simplest thing ever and leon feels giddy like a 5 y.o everytime raihan does it

can u imagine how many pictures of leon raihan have on his phone,its probably more than 1000, he takes picture of leon as if hes a baby pokemon

leon comes to raihans place at 2 am without any warning,i mean raihan DID gave him a spare key so, raihans flat is HIS flat too,and there he goes,going to the bedroom and slip himself under the duvet,crawling to sleep closer to raihan

at first raihan is SO surprised that he jumped from the bed,but now he doesnt care anymore and just kiss leons head,mumbles "goo'nite bubh" and sleep again

leon does it so often that if hes gone from his apartment,people call raihan instead of him

raihan hugging leon from the back while leon is doing stuff in the kitchen while singing,and raihan is there like,peppering smooches and compliments while leon is STILL singing,and giggling bc raihan is smooching him

raihan is BAD at it but he sings along with leon in a joking manner and leon cant even sing anymore bc hes just wheezing while raihan is just "cmOn bAbeEEe SING AgAiiiNNnn"

[0ystercatcher]

im really curious and would love to hear more of your thoughts bc i never heard such unique stuff from anyone else about any radfem thing :) what do you mean by your slave morality post?

ahummm lol i wont lie i made that post a little impulsively but ill attempt to explain it. readmore please work.

not sure where to start or what yr context for this so ill start from like nothing. slave / master morality is this theme? in nietszches writing that posits that thers 2 types of morality that of the "masters" and that of the "slaves" and master morality is like...the morality of idk strong and the master considers things that are useful to them to be good and things that are harmful to be bad, but ultimately i think is aware that good/bad is just an extra layer we give to things that ultimately have no meaning. masters believe in like...power and use their will to achieve it. slaves tho just respond to masters and their morals and create this morality where they villify the master for being powerful and behave like actually power and achieving power is morally wrong and they seek to kinda. not achieve power in the same way as the master but to instead make the master into the slave. thats a quick dirty summary and i prob ate some details. tho

anyway the way a lot of radblr (and im saying radblr instead of radfem bc radfem is a like a Thing w literature of all kinds and criticising it in this way would be silly while radblr is just kind of a cesspit based on weird readings of radfem on this website) talks about feminism and more specifically, the position of women in society, is really um. self defeating and just kinda incorrect. they try to act like the fact women are oppressed is idk some sort of evil unto itself that men do as a weird result of power and thats Bad, instead of truly understanding that taking power over others and opression happen bc they are "beneficial" to the system we live in.so they misdirect their "effort" (posts) to talk abt how bad and cruel and sad it is that women are affected by x y and z like that screenshot i posted. "women cant laugh women cant yell etc etc" and comparing it to how men can get away with all that, and sulking about it, instead of like. trying to achieve the power to do all those things and not give a shit abt it, like men have.

it just strikes me as a very defeatist and pessimistic way of seeing the world and its just wrong historically speaking. men arent "evil" for having power over us and the more time we spend acting like resentment and reaction to men is enough to get us anywhere better the less we will get done. at some point, if we really want liberation from th patriarchy we have to get off our asses and take enough power on our own to face it yeah? we cant do that if we just make each other feel righteous bc were the good ones actually uwu. like i dont want oppression. i dont want to be told to live my life in service of men. and the only way to go against those things at the end of the day is to apply my will and simply Not Do that to the best of my ability. why should we give a single fuck abt what mens standards are for our lives if we know for a fact those standards are designed to keep us down, yknow what i mean.

again tho i made that post without thinking abt it too much bc it fit into that pattern of weird posts ive seen lately. i guess my point is women can literally do whatever if we just decide to do it and to act like these made up boundaries imposed onto us are somehow real and not made up from thin air to keep us in line we will never get anywhere. individually and collectivelly (tho that ones a little harder). man why did i write this i havnt even read that much nietszche

[theropoda]

dont usually post personal shit on tumblr bc i am cringe but in this case i suppose i seek out not to just get things off my chest but also feedback... on some level

anyways. girl am i disabled

i feel like the more i learn about disability and myself the more i feel like the two are similar. hearing abt disabled ppl, esp ppl who are disabled not bc of physical health problems but because of neurodevelopmental disorders (I mean. there comes a point where the line between the two is quite blurred but) and learning more about my disorder(s)'s affect on my life (which ive kind of been repressing/ignoring/underestimating my whole life) is making me realize Things.

like oh god. yes my disorders do affect my ability to live a normal life and execute everyday tasks. yes it does make me wonder if me ever getting a job is possible bc it does limit my ability to go outside of my house. ive been wanting to go outside for the past week or so, just anywhere.. ma store or a park but i cant. its too hard and painful man. there's far too many things considered "normal", considered an essential part of a healthy Normal life that's just not easy for me to do.

and of course im being vague about it all considering it's been a big source of shame and im not sure it'll ever change and im certainly not changing the way in which i talk about it in public (Very, Very Vaguely and Secretively) (although i suppose it's possible to put two and two together and accurately guess what it is im even talking about)

even if in the end i find the answer to my question and the answer is im not disabled, just. Very Mentally ill. i suppose it is a net benefit to even ask the question in the first place because it's helping me realise something that ive spent too much time ignoring. spent too much of my life going through a Really no good, very bad childhood that i promptly swept under the rug as "not the best :/" instead of recognizing it as the genuinely awful thing it was. im sure there's a number of factors as to why i never actually accepted how bad i had it and why i kept lying to myself and saying "oh im actually pretty okay as a person No problems at all :) ", far too many to list but im sure my parents, my cultures view on mental illness and spending my youth on this stupid website during its " gate keeping who gets to use the word traumatized and mentally ill to describe themselves" era sure didn't help

Like its about time i stop lying to myself about me having it "better that most people", about time i look back on when i was a kid and recognize that that shit wasn't normal and no one should've gone through that, even if it was a very specific experience that ive almost never heard of anyone else suffering from. the only time i read about someone experiencing what i did was when i read a book on the topic and that made me cry because only when i saw it through a second person perspective did i realize how Not Good it all was.

Anyways. i saw a bird today and it had a little lizard wriggling in its mouth So awesome

[cheekbites-moved]

:3c gilbert

you fool (affectionate) you won't even be able to read my answers w/out being spoiled or unless im careful tktjr ill try to be but i cant shut up so ur treading dangerous waters jtktjtr

favorite thing about them: everything 💙

least favorite thing about them: he is not real :( </3

favorite line: "i already waited 10 years. i'll wait 100 more!" any time he talks shit abt ****. peak content right there.

brOTP: the golden trio. but also i rly love his friendship with break. their scenes in the headhunter arc together were rly fun. & his brotherhood with elliot is criminally underrated & not explored enough both in canon & fanon. sm unexplored shenanigans possibilities. & angst.

OTP: x me 💙 (i don't ship him with anyone no one else is worthy)

nOTP: x oz :/ also alice, break or any woman rly bc the g in gilbert stands for gay but Mostly oz. cause it's basically the most popular ship & it makes me so uncomfortable pls stop that's his son & alice is his daughter-in-law & he would N e v e r.

random headcanon: he's an immortal vampire & will never die :) ever. :) so stop fucking acting like he's gonna die bc he's not. ever. :) & im sick of fools acting like he will esp when i'm just trying to have a good time with post-ending headcanons :) :) :)

unpopular opinion: any opinion that shits on him for how he treats vincent, or obvs anything that implies a romantic relationship with oz. i will say that i do think he had a crush on oz when they were BOTH kids, & i find that stuff v cute. h o w e v e r post-time jump absolutely not. oz showed back up & gil was like "oh my god sharon, break, get the adoption papers. he is my son now & i will take care of him & protect him."

song i associate with them: seven devils by florence + the machine & broken crown by mumford & suns bc my fav mmvs of him use those songs

favorite picture of them:

he is beautiful and im literally in love w him i cannot be expected to pick o n e.

[dropoutparty]

ngc ramblings part 3- chapter 5

here we are at part 3!!! sorry this one took so long, i originally was gonna make this post include entropy and extus (along with finally talking about face in depth) but it was so fuckin long that im splitting it into 2 different posts! the next part isnt done yet but im like almost halfway done so it shouldnt be too much longer until its out! also before we get into this one:

tw for: death, animal death, and suicide. pls take care of urself and don't read this if those things are triggering for u <3

ok lets get on with the post

at the start of entropy zach doesnt waste any time getting right to the point. this place is bigger than the other planets so far, and zach says the music this time around is a melody that “started out normal but then got distorted” played by a violin sounding instrument. even tho i do sometimes forget that this is supposed to be a creepypasta im not surprised that he said it made him feel depressed and unnerved lmao. anyways, this planet has all new level types in it!! no reused ones!! ok now this is epic. the bosses this time around are megalon, battra, and mechagodzilla, but itll be a good while before we get to those guys because this chapter is long as hell holy shit?? buckle up babez <33 now, before i get into the meat of things as usual im gonna talk abt the planet name! entropy basically means “a lack of order/predictability or a gradual decline into disorder” and that's very accurate to this part of the story. at this point, red is pissed off and is getting desperate, which means from here on out things are going to be getting more intense and more unstable. this world is the turning point in the overall story, basically.

now with that out of the way, zach first goes to the worlds quiz level as usual! this time something was different. usually, in the quiz levels there would be goofy ass music playin in the bg (specifically the GH1D0RA cheat music, if you wanna like listen to it ig?) but from here on out its been replaced by the music from the games password screen, which zach called creepy earlier on in the pasta. im gonna glaze over the quiz again this time, but when we get to the next planet ill talk about all of the quizzes in depth all at once. basically all you need to know for now abt what happens here is face asks “do you like mothra?” and when zach picks no (after going on a tangent abt how mothra sucks lmao,, bro i swear im good at the game my controllers just messed up /s), face enters bastard mode and goes “TOO BAD!” and boom now zach cant play as anyone but mothra. zach is pissed for now but little does he know this is just going to become an even more epic gamer bc of this,, youll never get better at something if you never try and all that.

after that, zach moves on to the first level type- the forest. immediately zach gets an eerie feeling from this level bc he has some kinda fear involving forests at night (i can think of a reason why but ill have to talk abt that later just to be sure). hes also not feelin great about being forced to play as mothra, so the pressure of it all is def starting to get to him by now. the music in the forest is woodwinds followed by slow, rhythmic drums and chiming bells. must have been some ominous woodwinds and bells bc it made him feel like he was intruding somewhere he shouldnt be (oh rlly?? u dont say,, everything up until now has been fine /s). getting into the level itself, eventually zach comes across some weird deer-like monsters just vibing and scares them away when he gets close. later in the level he finds more of these weird deer along with a sloth-like creature on some of the trees and some raptor dudes killing some of the deer. zach shoots one of the raptors but thats about it. nothing really happened in this level but zach noted that he didnt feel like he was playing a video game, but instead it felt more like he was exploring a forest in another dimension. thats interesting for reasons ill ~get to later~ (yall must be so tired of hearing that by now omg,, i know im tired of saying it at least. i was gonna wait until after replay to talk about things but i severely underestimated how long this whole project would be, so i might make a post for the “more on that later” stuff before i get into replay. let me know what u think i should do).

anyways, the next thing zach checks out is the first tv screen level so far. these levels just play an animation with some music in the background, and theres a different animation per level. this time around the animation is of a kid with a beaver(?) head licking a lollipop and the music is the GH1D0RA music that the quiz levels used to use. the only thing of note here is that zach says he had a shirt that looked just like that when he was a kid. after that, were off to some of the weirdest fuckin levels in this whole thing imo- the hourglass levels. these levels have an entirely brown color palette, with grandfather clocks standing in the background (the level appears to be in like a hallway or something) and various time measuring things floating in the air. the music is the same as the board (ig cosby just didnt feel like thinking of what theme this place would have lol). after a little bit zach was rlly happy to see actual enemies from the normal game show up! these are basically like aircraft, tanks, etc. thats not the main attraction here tho, bc this level has its own unique mechanic! this mechanic is the colored hourglass items you can pick up. there are three of them, a blue one that slows time down and makes enemies from the past appear, a red one that speeds up time and makes enemies from the future appear, and a green one that made the time flow normally and spawned enemies from the normal game. zach found the blue one first, which caused a bunch of prehistoric enemies based on real animals to show up. after that he found a green one and fought normal enemies again, and then he found a red hourglass. the future enemies here look like aliens to me, and zach says that one enemy reminds him of something he saw in a book once. eventually, a special future creature showed up and zach was suddenly in a boss battle! or a mini boss battle? that description is probably more accurate. this guy doesnt have a face, and he can only attack by shooting a beam from his face, it sure does look cool! after zach beat it tho, he was off to the next level type, which is basically a toxic waste dump.

zach called it grungy and inhospitable, with the music being a synth ambient loop that made him feel dizzy while he listened to it. this is important because this is the first instance of the game making zach feel something *physically*, not just psychologically. all of the enemies here are mutated to some degree, with him first seeing green mummies with bird skulls coming out from vats of toxic slutch and a brownish cow skeleton monster with spider legs. later zach comes across a deer from the woods, drinking some toxic slutch (delinchous). zach got close to it to try making it stopped but suddenly some enemies came out of nowhere and scared it into running right off a ledge and into the slutch. rip :pensive:. after that zach found more mutated enemies (i.e some things with tentacles and some other deformed thing with human teeth) before he finally gets to the end of the level, where theres another miniboss waiting for him!! this ones a toxic sludge monster with a whale skull who attacks with a mouth projectile and by charging into you. the monster sank into the slutch and thats all for this level babeyy!

the next level is another forest, but this time its winter! its still at night, but this time zach doesnt feel off put, which he mostly attributes to the music. he describes it as a gentle, calm song that almost sounded romantic. the entire first segment of this level had no enemies in it, but dw this level is interesting i swear. the next segment starts out just as empty as the last one, but this time its silent. that is, until the music from “unforgiving cold” starts playing. yaa you remember that place!! i think i said it was less interesting than i remembered but its interesting again now bc it was foreshadowing these levels!! anyways soon after the music started up, zach started to come across tons of frozen bodies of the deer from earlier. some were mutilated, some werent, but they were all frozen and covered in snow. eventually zach does come across something living though, a sloth creature from earlier! its just vibing when suddenly the winter versions of the raptors from earlier rush in and fuckin obliterate the sloth thing. those things just blindly try killing everything in sight, and even start fighting themselves before zach finally gets to the last part of the level.

now this is where shit starts to get crayzay. this part opens up to a big empty field with a full moon and the nice music from earlier back. despite the nice music tho, zach immediately starts feeling dread and eventually he finds a lake. the lake comes down from the sky and starts to crack like an egg, a humanoid figure curled up in the fetus position dropping into the lake below and the moon halves disintegrated. this spawned the moon beast, the hardest challenge zachs had to deal with so far. after he finally defeats it, the screen goes to black and the name “melissa” is on screen, written in red. after that, the screen then says kys. the word kill then fills up the screen, layering over itself until it forms a picture of reds face. its now that we finally get to hear abt the whole melissa thing (which makes it sound like shes been mentioned in the pasta before this but thats not what i mean lmao). to summarize, zach had a middle school gf named melissa (also bro middle school?? wadda hell) who often went into “episodes” where she would stare off, expressionless, before trembling and putting her face in her hands. she and zach hung out in a field at night a lot but one night she just stared at the moon the whole time before running into traffic and dying.

NOW its finally later!!! were not done with entropy yet, but this is the end of part one of entropy so i wanna just take a little break to talk about things so far. this planet is FULL of symbolism and foreshadowing. to start off, i think a lot of the questions face asks at the beginning foreshadow things that happen. some examples are “is time slipping though your fingers?” which could allude to the time levels, “do you have any regrets?” which i think obviously foreshadows the whole melissa thing, “is it safe to go out at night?” and “do you find it hard to sleep at night?” both follow the same kinda theme, which i think relates to how the melissa incident happened at night, specifically out at night. i dont think the forest levels have anything too important in them, other than to introduce the presence of an innocent, harmless creature that doesnt deserve what happens to it later (aka the deer things) which might symbolize melissa. more evidence for this symbolizing melissa comes from the encounter with the deer in the toxic dump and the winter forest, where in the former zach tries to stop it from hurting itself but is too late, being forced to watch it die, and in the latter the same innocent thing from earlier is found dead close to where the real incident took place. the two big themes to keep in mind here are death and time, more specifically the past. most of the enemies here are either made from bones or kill other enemies, there's a dedicated time level referencing things that zach remembers seeing at one point (aka that one alien zach recognized), the beaver head had the same shirt as child zach did, it all connects to zachs past and the death of melissa. as for the moon beast, its the most obvious reference for reasons ive already explained. i dont really know what the moon cracking open and dropping a curled up human into the lake could mean other than some other thing melissa related, but i *do* think that the fact that the moon beast is the most difficult thing zach has faced so far is symbolic of the fact that the trauma from this event has followed him throughout his entire life, and its something he struggles with daily. it could even be the reason why he said no when face asked if he could sleep easily at night. the moon beast also has some black fur around its neck, which i think is meant to represent a tire track, referencing and/or mocking the way melissa died.

its so cool how this entire part of the story builds up to and foreshadows the bomb it drops at the end of the part, giving people something to look back on. a lot of ppl say that as soon as the melissa stuff gets introduced the story goes down in quality, and i do somewhat agree with that sentiment, especially if they want the story to actually be scary, but i think the direction the story goes from this point on is so unique and cool. it does follow the whole “theres a ghost in the game” troupe (even tho it was probably seen as a spin on that originally) but it doesnt do the same cliches as so many other gaming creepypastas do and it really takes the concept and makes it its own. i just think its neat,,,

anyways im done gushing abt this story, lets get on with part 2 of extus!! basically zach has a fuckin panic attack and, after taking a few minutes to calm himself down when its over, he decides that he has to finish the game now because if he doesnt its just going to haunt him for the rest of his life. zach has now realized that the game is “alive” and can somehow see his thoughts and memories, so understandably hes pretty freaked out by it at this point. when he keeps playing, the first thing he does is check out another tv screen level. this time, the animation is of a fish dude just kinda standing there with his mouth flapping open and closed and the music is the neptune board music from the original game. the only reason i can think of for why this is here is maybe the game is mocking zach for the panic attack he just had (bc when u have a panic attack you feel like you can barely breathe, if ur lucky enough to have never had one before and u dont know) but thats abt it. its probably just a random goofy thing cosby threw in there.

anyways, the next actual level is the first labyrinth level. this time around, its a gold labyrinth specifically. the music in these levels is a slow, ominous drum beat with female vocals occasionally coming in and (basically from here on out) the monster zach plays as is now half the size it used to be. i think this shows how zachs feeling at this point, like this whole thing isnt just being a big strong monster and beating up enemies any more, he feels small and scared and helpless in the face of something potentially dangerous that he doesnt understand maybe his confusion about the game is the reason *why* theres so many labyrinth levels here in the first place. anyways im getting ahead of myself. personally, i think the aesthetic of the gold labyrinth is very similar to the green temples back on trance. while trance had a more circular and soft theme to it's architecture and sculpture, entropys is much more square or rectangle oriented. despite this, i think that the golden mazes at least are another religious kind of building, and the architecture is just different because theyre two different cultures who just happen to worship the same spiritual figure (aka melissa. did i say that earlier? i think i did,, if i didnt well the religions worship melissa, not knowing she's a dead human or anything. probably).

moving on, zach notes how the gold labyrinth would probably have been impossible to navigate as any of the other monsters, so turns out face being an asshole was a blessing in disguise after all huh? anyways this place is full of weird gold monsters, lava/fire traps, and stone faces (both in more of an easter island head style and in the regular feminine headshot weve seen so far). zach comes across two feminine heads, one that is more adult looking and pure gold, and another one that looks much younger and whos eyes have red irises and blue scleras. this statue apparently looks a lot like melissa did on the night she died, so zach leaves it pretty quickly. i *think* this is the first time we see the color blue associated with melissa? if it isnt sorry abt that, its been a couple days since i worked on ngcr so ive forgotten some of the smaller or more subtle things by now. GOD i keep getting side tracked ANYWAYS eventually zach finds a non-gold enemy and sees it get picked up by like an arcade crane claw. hes curious so he follows the claw, only to see the monster be put in a big gold cauldron and walk out the side of it as a gold monster.

gonna be honest, no idea what the hell this could mean. like? theres been no themes of corruption or good things becoming evil so far so this just kinda. exists,, yea idk lol. im not part of like any discord servers or anything so all this theorizing and analysis has just been me, maybe getting some small ideas from like random youtube comments or something, so if something ive said so far has been unanimously disagreed with somewhere i dont know about it. thats also why this isnt really a definitive or comprehensive analysis (even tho im trying to be as comprehensive as i can).

anyways zach finds the exit soon after and hes on to the next level type (there's so fucking many of them ik dont worry weve almost gotten to all of them now), the indigo cliffs. the background of these levels is similar to the blue mountains from trance, but now the moon and clouds from the toxic dump background is also here (and colored indigo to match). the music here is just a deep rumbling noise. the first “enemies” he sees here are just a bunch of multicolored little guys coming out of a hole in the ground and jumping off a cliff. were continuing the death theme yall!! anyways zach continues, flying over some more weird creatures (tho some of them just look like dinosaurs lol) before he sees a bunch more of the multicolored guys out and about but this time theyre getting grabbed by birds!! wadda heel!!! zach comments on how the multicolored dudes seem eager to die and thinks maybe the moon has something to do with it (like melissa dude wat!!!! that's crazy /s). at the end of the level there were some more multicolored dudes just walking into a creatures mouth so zach attacked the thing and killed it and the levels over yay!

now its time for the bosses babeyy!!! first zach fights battra (basically an evil moth kaiju), the music is varans theme. battra starts off in his larvae form, where he basically just fought by running into you and shooting stuff at you. while fighting this form, zach noticed that the game buffed mothra because his gamer skillz were too cringe lmaoo. he beats the larvae form and battra goes into his second form, where hes basically a stronger clone of mothra (misogyny). zach fights battra and has fun doing it (for once,, good for him) and he wins yay! next hes fighting megalon (a big beetle/bug kaiju), whos music was gigans theme. im tired when im writing this so ill just give you zachs description of how he fought: “strong, persistent, but dumb”. after this, zach checks out the last tv screen of entropy. this time, it shows a big buff guy with a sack over his head hit a womans head with a sledgehammer while shes tied to a table or something. the music for it was the password theme. i think this is probably here because red is getting angrier? like this guy is still here after i triggered his ptsd?? what the hell!!!

anyways before we get to the last boss we have one last level type to get through- the shadow labyrinth. at this point, zach starts to feel drained because no shit sherlock you just had a panic attack and youve been playing this game for fuckin several hours at this point of course youre fuckin drained. anyways zach enters the shadow labyrinth, which is a black recolor of the gold labyrinth. the music is “evil ambience” similar to unforgiving colds music but distinctly different apparently. there werent any enemies so zach just kinda wandered for a while until the lights turned off, darkening the whole screen and (secretly) spawning tons of spooky enemies thatll chase and hit mothra in the dark. eventually the lights came back on and zach started scrambling to the exit. when the lights turned back off, zach was able to find one of the melissa looking statues and stood next to it. it warded off the monsters while the lights were off, so zach was safe. i think this shows 2 things: 1) its a little more validation for my “religion in this world worships melissa” theory and 2) it foreshadows the way melissa wants to protect zach at the end of the game. zach beat the shadow labyrinth a lot faster than the gold one so were done with all the stages now!! now theres only the last boss and red and were done with entropy!

the last boss is mechagodzilla, but when zach starts the level, normal godzilla is there instead!! its whatever tho bc soon the disguise is gone and its just pretty much the normal mechagodzilla fight (but now hes got a gay beam). at about half health tho, mechagodzillas sprite breaks into pieces like gezoras did way back on earth and reforms into not-mechagodzilla. even tho it looks uncanny (and the usage of the face statue on the front is probably there to further mock zach bc melissa) zach beats it p easily and now its time for the chase. ba dum ba dum thats the sound of a chase.

as usual tho, before i get to the red chase its time to talk about entropy as a planet!! i think the best way to describe the layout is “a big forest with a toxic waste dump in it takes up half the planet while the other half is a large religious temple/labyrinth with a dangerous underbelly”. there doesnt seem to be any intelligent life there now (its all dead by now probably) but there was at some point at least because imean the huge labyrinth is there dude!!! i dont have much to say for this section tbh bc i feel like i've already said everything i wanted to, so its time for the chase ig!!

basically the chase with red here takes place in a labyrinth level bc of course it does. this labyrinth, however, seems to be made of some kind of organic matter. is it flesh? organs? nondescript viscera? idk but it's pulsating and bloody. also this time red has wings too!! anyways, basically zach avoids red throughout the maze, red breaks through one of the walls with his big alien tongue, and zach gets to the end of the maze. nothing crazy happens at the end of this chapter (i think it was crazy enough as is) so thats the end of that and now its time for the penultimate planet- extus.