#i could keep adding to this all day tbh so i'm forcing myself to stop now

[risingsunresistance]

devotion

[lokischocolatefountain]

Just finished reading separation, [I know I already reblogged it, but I felt the need to explain the emotional roller-coaster I went through and figured it would be best to explain it here]

Ahem... THE ANGST DURING THE FIRST HALF OMFG! 😫 HAD ME ON EDGE! and then him SCREAMING "FUCKING TELL ME" I had to pause and recollect myself bc lord have mercy that did something to me (I don't know what nor can I say if it's good or bad 🫣)

But seeing Javi being worried/concerned that he fucked up AND DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IN WHAT WHY... I was sobbing, screaming, crying, pulling my hair out. Heart breaking, to say the least 😭

I LOVED them communicating, and Javi wanting/needing reader to open up and communicate with him but still not forcing reader into doing so... again sobbing and crying while screaming 😭

Reader telling him the reason why she left and him not being able to say/do much because it's not something he can control but still trying to comfort reader 🥺

And last but not least [I could rant about this fic, but alas I won't]

“You like this, don’t you?” He asked, lowering the register of his voice the way she liked as he took her chin between his thumb and forefinger. “You want me to possess you, to hurt anyone who would want you that way I have you. You like that I can be a dangerous man.”

That, my friends... that was FUCKING HOT 🥵

All this to say, I LOVED LOVED LOVED everything about this fic! I love how you write my beloved Javi 🥹🫶🏽

I would love to be added to your tag list 🙃 I hope you have a lovely day/night 🫶🏽 and you'll be hearing from me again when I either reread all your fics or when a new fic comes out 🤪

That is all from me. I just needed to let everyone know that I am OBSESSED with this fic and would recommend it to everyone 😌 [it is 4am and I'm feeling bold, so for the first, I will not be posting anonymously... 🫣]

Stay safe, healthy, and hydrated ❣️

First of all, I love your url. It’s perfect and hilarious 😆 Secondly, THANK YOU for the reblog and this beautiful comment. I love when I’m taken on an emotional rollercoaster so it’s cool to know that I wrote something that was an emotional rollercoaster haha.

Ngl, the “fucking tell me!” wasn’t supposed to be that way, I just meant it to be angsty. But then I went back to read it after your comment and now I’m like 👀 It just reminded me of how hot he is when angry (like in the scene where he’s yelling at a guy trying to find Helena). I want him to scream at me 😩 and that’s all I can say without being sent right to horny jail.

Javi is a soft, gentle, kind man despite everything he has seen and done. And he has this strong sense of duty and doing the right thing. Combined, those characteristics would make him want to be a good husband. He cares for everyone deeply and he starts caring fast. So someone he marries would have all his care and love and respect. He would want to treat her right and make her happy, but he can’t always do that because of his job and because he’s only human. Humans make mistakes. But he’s not one to forgive himself. He’ll keep a ledger of his faults and go over them repeatedly. So when someone he loves leaves out of the blue like that, his instinct is to blame himself. He goes over the ledger, try to figure out what exactly he did wrong this time and when he can’t figure it out, he just feels worse.

I think he can’t bear it when people cry. Because he cares. So even though he wants answers more than anything, he stops his pursuit quickly to hold her and comfort her.

Yessss I’m glad you enjoyed that part about him knowing how she likes that he can be dangerous. That part is a bit of a self-insert, tbh. But can ya blame me? Irl, I would never go for someone who shot people (and got shot at) for a living but since it’s Javi and he’s not real, I can let my worst fantasies run wild. And wanting someone something I know I shouldn’t want… that’s 🥵🥵🥵

This comment is the best thing ever and it makes my heart all warm and fuzzy. Thank you thank you thank you sooooo much for this. I’ll keep it in mind to tag you in my future Javi fics. And I’m excitedly waiting to hear from you again 💜

[aestuavis]

I have a question for you. I'm sorry if this seems a little odd. But I've been roleplaying on Tumblr for years now. With the obvious pull from the site, a lot of my roleplaying partners has left or just stopped completely. Myself included. But I want to start roleplaying again. I've been a follower of you for awhile now so I just want to ask one thing: how do you remain so active on your account?

[ hellu hellu ! omg it’s not odd at all, really ! no need to apologize ! i’ve been here for like ... six years ( wow, had it been that long ? ) i’ve seen so many people come and go, have lost a few partners and gained new ones along the way but it had been really enjoyable journey for me. okay, i’m not sure if my advice would be anything useful but i’ll try my best !

tbh, there are a few things that help me stay active and not lose motivation here. one of those is the fact that this blog is a multimuse.

i cannot stress this enough, and i’m not sure how long you’ve been following me but those who had been with me since the very beginning would know that i started this blog as a single-muse blog with only akane as my muse. that was six years ago. along the years, i’ve added other protectors, then adding a whole list of my side muses to expand on that. this, right here, is what helping me keep my motivation on being active. this is due to the fact that, no matter how much i love akane, there would come a time where i have run out of ideas to write with her. it doesn’t mean i love her any less as a muse, but it’s because i’ve expanded and written so much for her that i’ve hit a kind of block to move forward. this is where having multiple muses on the same blog come into play, and this is why i like having multimuse blog where i have many muses in one blog than having many blogs that i have to jump around all the time.

when i don’t feel one particular muse, and i’m sure everyone has that day where you don’t feel your muse, you can move to other muses that fit your emotions, your feelings, and your mood at that moment in time. i find this to be very helpful, tbh ? like really helpful for me who had so little time after my full day of work ( i work 9-6 weekdays. ) some days i’m really stressed, and i don’t want to write heavy things, so i would lean towards writing muses who are more lighthearted, and cute, for example. having one blog containing many different muses help me juggle my own state of mind and churn out content that i’m able to create without stressing myself out too much !

another important part for me is to take a break when you need to. when real life things are getting too much, or your time to be online is lessened, when things are too busy for you to be online, don’t force yourself to be here. treat roleplaying as it is, a stress-reliever and a hobby. you’re supposed to have fun instead of feeling pressured to write. you’d lose motivation to roleplay so easily when you force yourself to create while your mind isn’t in the condition to. i actually had taken many hiatus before, ranging from a month to longest was six months, i think ? but i find myself coming back because writing is one way for me to relieve stress and to let my creativity run wild ! i’ve been blessed by such wonderful people and mutuals who had been so understanding that my activity is sometimes sporadic, and i can take quite a bit to answer threads. i’m fortunate to have them being patient and kind with me !

lastly, communication. roleplaying without talking to your partners could end up with either of you running out of ideas or thoughts to continue the threads. i find that talking to my partners had helped me think of scenarios, to skip the repetitive first meeting or do some memes/asks that has timeskip towards where the muses are more acquainted can help you renew the feel to write when you’re stuck at a scenario ! i’ve met so many people and made so many friends during my time here. roleplaying is creating stories with your partners, after all, so talk to them, bounce ideas off one another, and have fun !

i’m not sure if these advices are helpful for your case or not, but please feel free to message me anytime if you need to talk ! you can always come off anon and nudge me in my IM if you wish to plot something or get back to writing ! i’d love to help you get back to roleplay again and write with you ! X33 hope you have a wonderful day on your end ! ]

[polyamorous-mysme]

What's your opinion on Jimin and V? They both infuriate me because of the way they handled things in the routes. I think Jimin gets a little bit better at the end of his route, but V doesn't seem too. He doesn't tell Saeyoung about his brother, just shows up one day Saeran in tow and is just like 'I'm back'. Even if Saeran didn't want to go back yet, he could at least told Saeyoung what was going on.

tbh most of my opinions on every mm character is that you just have to completely disregard how Normal ppl would act given that the plots of mm are so wild and unbelievable. on the other had though i get why people have qualms w certain characters for how they handle the plot. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ eso si que es

But. as far as jumins route goes i think they just fucking did him dirty w it. with the second bad end/chats leading to it especially. I know it sounds weird to say given that it's his route but those few days are so fucking OOC for jumin. i mean I'll find my own ways to rationalize it bc it Can be rationalized if you care to, but not everyone will. because its fucking weird. not even the end itself but jumin leading up to it.

that being said i LIKE jumin and i like his route save for that. jumins hidden or has Had to hide his emotions and opinions his whole life. his father frequently brings new women in and out of his life, one of the only two people hes ever been able to trust has just committed suicide and he feels like he doesnt even Know either of them anymore, and then MC comes along getting him to open up making him Trust them again and hes worried something similar is going to happen. yeah yeah cat ran away whatever but to ignore what its ACTUALLY about is impossible. rika was one one of the only people and the only Woman he really trusted wholeheartedly as an equal and shes dead the cat she gave him is missing and being overprotective of MC is his one way of gaining control again. if I couldn't rationalize that though it absolutely would have skeeved me out from the get-go, though. so im not surprised Or affronted by the fact that ppl find it irredeemable ig.

now V. V is an even weirder story. he clings to rika from the moment they first met because dont ask me why. i dont know why. is she supposed to remind him of his mother? weird. is he genuinely just that nice of a person? probably. and rika is fucked. rika is traumatized and has been since young childhood. she suffers from what someone who doesnt experience delusions thinks delusions are or how they feel. whatever. and V loves her So Much that if she wont GET help he wont force her so hes going to do whatever He can to help her. until it goes really fucking wrong.

and let's all just be honest and say everything about seven and saeran and especially their backstory doesnt make sense. it ABSOLUTELY hinges on suspension of disbelief. but there are some aspects that do make sense. the stronger older brother in an abusive household is trying to keep himself And his sickly younger brother safe and sane. stumbles across v and rika and we already know mm doesnt Quite take place in our world as we know it and i know fuck all about typical korean life and families so I couldnt tell you why they didnt report their home life to the authorities from the get go. also this whole thing doesnt fucking make sense bc seven and saeran look like MAYBE 10 at this point and V is only 5 years older than them max but him and rika have obviously been together for a while and are Adults here. doesnt track. timeline dont make sense. angway.

but the way I see it is rika had Already started to plot mint eye yadda yadda here and knew that if the boys were separated she could control seven publicly as the stronger twin in a way that makes it seem like they're helping and protecting them both, they just have to be separated. seven can roll w the loneliness and grief of having to leave his brother behind as long as it means hes safe. and w saeran, she can use that same grief and loneliness to manipulate him a different way. behind the scenes. create her perfect believer who will do Anything she says because she saved him, why shouldnt she save everyone else? and j think by the time V realized just how bad rikas mental state was it was too late to Fix it. but he loved her he loved the RFA and the RFA loved rika. he didnt want to taint or tarnish her image w the reality of who she is what shes been doing etc.

after that it's a series of unfortunate events and fucking stupid decisions v thinks hes making for the good and sanity of everyone else. hes given himself a "I'm not a hero i just Have to bear all this by myself forever and fix it alone with no help and save Everyone in the end" complex that sure is with great intentions but leads down a rabbit hole of hurt and fuckery that he cant fix. ever. and I think he was worried about telling seven about saeran because if he had he KNOWS seven would have gone after him alone. and he would have been hurt or killed or worse. he would have been. and V was still trying to save whoever he could. save rika and Hope he could save saeran? save saeran and Hope he could save rika? who knows. I dont. I think V had the BEST intentions. i do. i think he was just a bit of a Rudely untrusting dumbass carrying them out.

but that's what mm is. MC is the character that is meant to push the characters into healing from their fatal flaw. yoosung is slipping from success because up to that point hes hinged his entire future on his older cousin. zen. i dont remember. has to find a happy balance between shooting for the stars but not hiding himself or who he is while doing it? something gay like that. jaehee pushes herself too hard to be successful. to not be a burden. to be financially and socially stable and safe above her own happiness. jumin is cold and untrusting and hides himself because the last time he wasnt/didnt, he got Hurt. seven is the same gay shit as jumin and zen with the added bonus of needing to learn that mc can make their own decisions wrt danger. v needs to stop carrying the world on his shoulders. saeran . . . needs to heal. learn that his life is not intrinsically tied to the lives of others and he can still love people but be his Own person, whole and healed. whether or not you the individual player believe that by the end of the route theyve gotten their first real step in the right direction is up to you.

anyway stream room 206 ep by elah hale on spotify.

[gnot-that-gender]

3rd February 2020

8 weeks on testosterone.

Hi all. Time for an update.

It's been 2 months now. I haven't posted anything because...well...not much has happened. I know progress with hormones is slow but fucking hell.

Content warning for body ickiness, menstruation, genital talk.

General Stuff

I mentioned in my 20th of December 2019 update that my weight and body fat measurements had changed. So here's an update.

Chart as before.

I have put on a lot of weight now and tbh I'm not sure why. My appetite has weakened a lot. I'm snacking a lot less and having more regular meals (which isn't to do with hormones and more to do with me recovering from eating disorder).

I am however drinking a LOT of water. Thorsty boy.

Talking of thirsty....

Sex Drive

Not sure how much people on here know about me, but I'm a sex favourable asexual guy. I have experienced sexual attraction but...rarely and not consistent to people so I dunno what's going on.

I also usually had a very low libido. In the past year my libido had been going up naturally, and as is typical with testosterone it now has had a boost as well. I don't feel necessarily any bigger drive to have sexual contact with others, but knowing it's easier to turn me on had had me curious as to if I could be more casual about sex, despite not having sexual attraction. I won't go into it but it's been interesting.

Genitals

Hi again! It felt like my growth had stopped but recently taken another look and I don't think you could look at it and think it belongs to a cis woman. The head now peeks out of the foreskin most of the time and I can pull it back to reveal the whole head which is very bright pink. I know a lot of guys complain about over sensitive genitals at this time but such hasn't been the case for me. But then I have quite a bit of fat and hair down there so that's probably keeping me protected. Though touching the head doesn't feel overwhelming like it used to before I was on T.

Menstruation wise, still regular as clockwork. Lasting longer than they did before (used to be 3 days, now 5 or 6) and now I get period pains which is!!! Not fucking nice considering I have been very lucky to miss them most of my life.

Skin

My skin is maybe getting a bit oily. I have regular spots on my face but nothing too dramatic. Eczema is in full force but again I keep forgetting to take my antihistamines so that is probably the culprit. I might invest in something to help.

Hair

My hair has definitely become more greasy. It used to cycle between feeling soft and fluffy when washed, then dry and easy to manage, and then flat and greasy. Now it seems to jump right to flat and greasy. Interestingly I've had less dandruff. But that makes sense if my scalp is more sticky. Hair isn't falling out. Hairline doesn't seem to have changed (it has always been kinda square as per the picture).

Mood and Attitude

Definitely not having angry outbursts as some people report. Haven't cried since my last update. But I've had no reason to and never been much of a crier anyway. I'm more confident for sure, but I've also moved home recently. Out of a stressful situation so that says a lot for my more positive outlook.

Face and Fat

My face is fatter because I've put on weight. I'd say on regard to fat distribution my face hasn't benefited. Actually none of me has. All my extra weight has gone to my hips and back and added to my muffin top/love handles. I hate it. It reminds me of when I was on the contraceptive pill. :/

Voice

Nope. No change yet. Actually I read up on it and apparently some guys never experience voice changes...especially older guys as our cartilidge is less inclined to grow. And some guys end up with a broken voice forever. So... I'm terrified of that. As a singer the thought kills me.

Body and Facial Hair

No change at all. Might try minoxidil for beard growth but chances are it won't do anything because nothing is growing at all yet.

Concerns

If I'm honest, I don't think the T is having a proper effect. It could be because I'm using testogel and have some sort of issue with absorbing it but my suspicion is my body is turning it back into oestrogen (hence the body fat stuff and heavier periods). I'm trying not to worry about it too much until my 6 month appointment. But it's frustrating.

Overall...

Very downhearted. Everything else in life is pretty good and this is the only real thing bothering me, which probably just makes it feel worse but I'm coping. Bought myself a packer as a treat to help with some dysphoria.

Until next time folks x

[clumsyclifford]

hello!! i am back and on desktop this time. the blog is just as pretty. alex + yellow = v v attractive jfc. this is a long one so buckle in.

to begin: i hope you have the most fun on your day road trip and sing your heart out to atl and taylor swift. i love driving long distances and idk just driving in general is fun. have the absolute best time MWAH

my birthday is in november!! november 23 to be specific. i share it with miley cyrus which is something i always found to be very cool when i was growing up and watching hannah montana. it also means i am a sagittarius and funny little fact i realized is that my best friend is a gemini. alex and jack are also a sagittarius and a gemini. from being 13 i know that tyler and josh from twenty one pilots are also a sagittarius and a gemini. something about sagittarius and gemini besties idk.

also yeah!! ao3 year in review!! it's a bit complicated to figure out at first and if you read a lot the finding pages thing can be pretty tedious, but it's def worth it once you figure it out. it gives you a lot of different stats about everything you read and it's pretty cool. now i am going to go look at your fics to remember my favs. you deserve the praise so i am willing to offer it. jeez you write a lot i respect the motivation sm. you write quite a bit of angst and i won't lie i try to stay away from angst so i haven't read your fics that seem super angst-y based on the tags. BUT there are still so many i recall reading and loving nonetheless. on a quick scroll-through: i usually don't read high school AUs but "paint me in trust (i'll be your best friend)" was super adorable and lovely. "thank god i'm yours" is one of my favs iirc. also i love love love "it's not always easy (but i'm here forever)" like yes please romanticize alex gaskarth i love it sm. "i won't be silent (and i won't let go)" and "i fell asleep in a city that doesn't" are both super fluffy and romantic and are favs of mine. in case you haven't picked up on it i adore very fluffy and romantic fics lmao. alright i am continuing to scroll and there are so many more i could list that i love but this section is getting quite long. just know if it's about a kitchen or hotel rooms being for lovers i probably read it and adored it and that pov is so valid.

waterparks!! will not lie i only really started listening to them about 6 months ago having been distantly aware of their existence for several years by being a fan of bands in the same genre. listen as long as you let yourself be vaguely annoyed by awsten is prevents you from being in love with him. follow him on any social media platform for like a day and you'll be sick of him typing in nothing but all caps within hours. simply do not romanticize him and you can keep yourself from falling!! so this is coming from a slightly fake parx fan, but some of my favs by them have been peach (lobotomy), crave, numb, fuzzy, violet!, you'd be paranoid too, and lowkey as hell. that is a very songs-from-their-most-recent-album-heavy rec, but whatever. i did give the disclaimer about being a fake parx fan.

yeah hayley does have 2 solo albums now!! petals for armor and flowers for vases / descansos. pfa is the one i didn't really like upon first listen but has grown on me. i haven't even listened to the second one in its entirety oops but we won't mention it. dead horse is good but simmer (pretty sure that was the other single??) just ain't it for me. the album has some lovely songs but it's just a hit or miss album all the way through. some favs of mine on it include pure love, taken, crystal clear, watch me while i bloom, and why we ever. it's sorta a storyline album about healing if that adds anything to it?? but anyways. i started listening to paramore around the time after laughter dropped and it grew to be one of my fav albums in existence. idle worship is probably one of my fav songs like ever. i def understand being slightly put off by bands with songs that make religious references (me with twenty one pilots' earlier music that makes a lot more religious references considering i'm not religious whatsoever) but i think i am blinded by being in love with hayley williams and just ignore it. idk that she's like super religious?? she's addressed believing in god and stuff a few times but she's def not the "rub it in your face" type and if she's making refs in music more recently then they're subtle enough i'm not noticing them. ik albums like brand new eyes had a lot more because it was shortly after that the band split and the songwriting process was essentially her and ex-bandmate co-songwriter arguing about their religious beliefs (turns out he ended up being super homophobic and transphobic all based on his religion so do with that what u will and thank the clown for leaving). i feel u on the "i meant to start listening to them" because that's essentially how i started listening to them. i told myself i was going to and then finally forced myself to do it. fuck falling for awsten knight what's more risky is falling in love with hayley </3

also yeah!! you've articulated my feelings towards tde. every song is so vastly different that it's hard to like it all. #1 fan is pretty decent though, and that's not just my bias about finding both ross and his gf hot and a cute couple and getting to see them together and ross half naked in a mirror in the video nope not at all. he's my fav himbo!! he has no personality!! no thoughts head empty!! i still love him and his strawberry-growing saga on twitter tho <3 the hazard of being in love with ross lynch since i was 12. girlfriend better be a fucking banger and there's quite a few already released singles in the tracklist so i have hope. i believe my show is in chicago on november 19 which is a thursday. kinda sucks since i intentionally bought the chicago tix nearly two years ago (the show was originally supposed to be april 25 2020. lol.) because the show was on a saturday and i have to drive 3 hours to get there. obviously i can't speak for them as tde but r5 shows always fucking slapped and i can vouch for them (realized i haven't seem them live since 2016?? 5 YEARS?? wtf) so if u genuinely like them. would recommend going to see them.

anyways. i have not listened to luke's solo album yet. i plan on it. this has gotten so long but i tried to respond in all areas and even organized it in different paragraphs this time (thanks being on desktop!!). hope you are well. hope you have a lovely day. hmm what's a little "going on in my life" fact. i got new glasses a few days ago and my eyes essentially said fuck off because adjusting to the new prescription has left me with eyes that hurt and occasionally slightly nauseous. here is to hoping my eyes get their shit together. mwah LOVE YOU TOO - the other bella/cubs anon/idk

okay hi hello. i have put this off because holy hell it's long but let's do it. i am putting a cut because this whole thing is long even without my answer

first: the road trip was super fun thank you!!! i am intrigued by this information regarding sags and geminis, we should do some scientific inquiry. enquiry. i don't know if there's a difference between those words.

aha! well i tried the ao3 year in review thing and i would say it had about 55% accuracy but still i agree it's fun to look back at that kind of stuff. and i feel you on the angst thing i go through phases of writing angst-heavy stuff and then writing very fluffy stuff and it is entirely based on my mental state buuuut i have lots of fluff and i'm glad you found it all and that you liked it yay <333 KITCHENS ARE FOR LOVERS i will die on that fuckin hill. hotel rooms as well but primarily kitchens.

dfgjhgdlfkhgdfmj honestly i dont use twitter enough that i would see his tweets enough that that would bother me also the fact that he tweets in all caps means that i just picture him yelling everything he tweets which i find absolutely hysterical so i don't think that would help. i have added these parx songs to my listen asap playlist and will get to them when i get a chance thank you i am excited also i already know lowkey as hell and it slaps super hard so im very much lookin forward to the rest of these. merci merci

YEAH simmer was the one i didnt vibe with. and honestly i feel zero compulsion to get into hayley williams as a solo artist. i just don't vibe enough to want to do that so i doubt i'll be listening to her anytime soon but maybe if i hear the songs in passing or get super bored one night, idk who can really say. but yeah christianity typically puts me off of music (speaking as a very jewish bitch) although there are notable exceptions in the cases of thomas rhett and the driver era. i'm just not attached to hayley enough to be like ehhh this doesnt matter. does that make sense

FAVORITE HIMBO PLEASE HGSDFGDFGKLFGJ i dont follow him on twitter but i have seen some interviews of ross and rocky and tbh they're great i love the way ross speaks like i like his speech mannerisms and i like his FACE and HAIR and. yeah. i think hes pretty. and i think he and 5sos SHOULD collab i think that would be sexy as hell. can you imagine that. oh my god can you imagine a ross lynch/luke hemmings collab. i'm not even really talking to you anymore bella because i know you haven't listened to luke yet and don't have a stake in it but if anyone else is reading this long ass answer. ross & luke collab. okay im going to move on and not think about that now. but i probably won't see tde unless i get a job this semester because i'm trying to stop spending so much money on big indulgent things like concerts likeee i was in a really good habit of not spending that much and then suddenly i got paid for one summer and i was just goin Crazy and i need to dial it back. plus i wanna see ajr and noah kahan equally bad so like. i have to make some calls about priorities here. it's Much to think about

good luck to your eyes i'm sure your new glasses are hella cute tho!!! LOVE YOUUUUUUU