#i didn't even include some stuff but i am too lazy and too tired to go back and add them

[lovecanbesostrange]

ouattober2023 Day 3: Fav Story Arc

I have enjoyed this show for the most part, even including S7. I think the switch to half-season arcs was good to keep it all fresh and not drag out things for too long. S4 being split into Frozen and Heroes & Villains was fun. But there just is no question. The arc I care about most, that I go back to rewatching for funsies, that I have the most (positive) feelings about (and some concerns/criticism) - Season 1: The Original Curse. The intertwined storytelling of everything that led to Storybrooke springing into existence and how Emma gets to know the town, breaking the curse as she was meant to do.

Unlike other arcs this is far broader, I have to acknowledge that. The 22 episodes of S1 allow for far more sidetracking. And later some details get revealed to prop it up (for this I'm thinking about stuff like Welcome to Storybrooke, a long overdue look at what it was like for Regina before).

Personally I still go so far to say, that the first season of Once Upon a Time is simply A+ tv. I absolutely recommend this to anybody who wants to have some fantasy-romance-family-fun. Well, okay, so S1 has some very, very dark moments (Graham's death for example).

They won me over with a thing I didn't expect - the Snowing romance. I'm sorry, but a lot of tv is as sophisticated as the Avril Lavigne song goes "he was a boy, she was a girl". Bang, there, that's it, that's the couple. (And I do believe even this show got super lazy with this.) But here we have Snow White and Prince Charming. Yes, of course they are a couple. They need to be. We all know that. True Love! True Love's Kiss! This is the kind of given couple I do not expect to be shown any type of friendship formed. Or an explanation why they think of the other. It just is. But they give us episode 3 Snow Falls and I am so in. Because yes, okay Snow being a bandit and a badass with a bow, totally capable of fighting and taking no nonsense - definitely checks some boxes for me. But Charming is also fun and smitten with her and I can see why they care. She uses the powder to save him. And they both have other things in their life, they can't spend time with this random person - and then they live rent free in each other's head. I believe in the stupid "I will always find you" concept. It is used again and again and still it's always sweet, throughout the show.

If you watch only the Storybrooke parts it seems so old and tired how the nice mousy lady fell in love with a coma patient, making things up about him in her head probably. And then he's married, she gets called a tramp and omg this cheating storyline. But with the fairytale underneath? Knowing they are in fact very actually cursed? This is their punishment and it is supposed to be terrible and hurt? WONDERFUL! David can't just leave Katherine, the curse won't allow for that. There is no easy solution, this has to be painful. We get something like 7:15am and at the end of the episode Mary Margaret and David try so desperately not to see each other, they are both in the diner at 7:45am. ROMANCE!! I am just rarely sold so solid on the main couple, okay? So this was special to me and I indeed looked forward to the episodes to see how their (EF) romance played out. And omg Heart of Darkness is such a banger of an episode. Evil!Snow is the scariest person on this show. He didn'f take an arrow for her, he took an arrow from her.

Exploring Storybrooke is also fun for the viewer. Henry believes things are weird, Emma has rational explanations, we know the truth. It's a wonderful and quirky set-up. Small town filled with weirdness. With so many episodes there was time to put in Hänsel & Gretel for the non-Disney fairytale feel. Great. We had time to get to know Leroy aka Grumpy aka Dreamy (I always laugh when he and Mary Margaret go door to door with the candles) with his own ep (still think as a whole the seven dwarves didn't get enough recognition). You can look left and right and wonder what's everybody's deal is. The town feeling is so important. People with jobs doing stuff. It's something that is a bit lost in later seasons with the focus on the core group, who are all related to each other. I'm sure Archie was a very busy man in the background dealing with everybody else...

It's also amazing to rewatch those first episodes and be reminded that it takes a long, long while until the Evil Queen's motivation is explained. Daniel who? To see Snow as a girl blabber out Regina's secret to Cora - SHOCKING! To understand that these two could have been friends, ohohohoho. It's clear that Rumple plays a huge part in the whole Dark Curse thing, but I think S2 gets more meaty with him. Yet his presence alone and all the deals he keeps making add a lot of flavor.

The worldbuilding is slow, but in this the out-of-order presentation does work, because S1 is actually well planned. (Yes, OUaT is a show that suffers a bit from later additions and expanding lore, but the original promise doesn't collapse under the weight.) The nice parallel structure makes the episodes interesting and moves everything forward at a comfortable pace. They also know how to throw a curveball. Oh, this town is hidden and no stranger ever walks up? Well, yes, hallo here is this guy on a motorcycle nobody has ever met before and he knows things. And for quite a few episodes August is just there, a well planted mystery box.

In the midst of everything magical suddenly we have the episodes Red-Handed, Heart of Darkness and Hat Trick following each other. A werewolf tearing bodies into pieces (yes, thanks, spilled blood looks best on fresh white snow), a whole murder investigation and aforementioned gonna-kill-Regina-now-Snow, and oh yeah that moment where you start wondering if Emma and Mary Margaret will be killed by a psycho axe murderer and the Mad Hatter might be a slasher now... yep. this show can be a bit dark and S1 knew how to walk that line.

And one last round of applause for the fact that the Storybrooke side of the story works with almost no magic at all. Yes, Regina has a bit in her backpocket, but she's scary enough without it. Her scenes with Gold are so worth a watch. He still knows how to scheme.

Oh, and let me mention something I appreciate a lot. The show starts with Prince Charming waking up Snow White with a kiss. Fairytale! We see the happy ending first. Thrown right into it (without knowing the whole ordeal they went through to get to this point). And then we near the end of the season, ep 21 An Apple Red as Blood. Which is a great episode to me, because I love seeing Snow and her band of misfits storming the castle (group effort, we deserved more of that). This is where we finally see Snow biting that apple, fateful. Hey, it's a Sleeping Curse, cool. She did so willingly though. It was her sacrifice for the promise Charming would be save. Not even trickery (okay, maybe we need to talk about this thing with "it need to be taken willingly to work"). This is such a great bowtie to the whole thing.

This here is what it is all about:

[abyssalhuntersnerd]

Alright, y'all. Let's talk for a little today. Since I finished my second semester, it's time for me to update you on shit cause I am. A busy woman. I passed all of my classes though, so that's that. :^)

So, if you've been here for a little while, you might have noticed I've been... Acting a little bit more grumpier than usual during these past few months. And there's a reason and while I can talk about it, I can't really go into intensive details because:

One, gotta and want to be respectful to everyone who's involved in this mess.

And two, there's things that I really want to keep to myself and some that I really feel like I gotta get out somewhere before my feelings suffocate me and this is one of them.

So, right around New Years, someone who I really appreciate, got sick. I won't specify who it is and what they have cause I know they are reading this and they would be upset if I revealed any of that stuff. They will be fine. But we are gonna leave it there because I'm not here to attack them or want anyone to hate them. And if you do read this, understand that I'm here for peace and I'm only doing this to update the fishies that deserve an explanation.

Due to this, my life has been fucking crazy, most of my free time is gone. I have to take care of this person and deal with my parents and their shit. Which is a lot. A freaking lot. It has been so bad that I had to drop out some of my classes out of my own volition so I wouldn't have a damn mental breakdown. I also had some issues with some of my teachers ignoring my ass or calling me too forgetful because well, oh, I won't be able to remember something I've never done before and you didn't explain it beforehand but I'm the one to blame. I was too exhausted to keep up and was more focused in other things (Listed above) so I decided that it was for my own good to quit. Thankfully I'll be able to take those same modules next year which makes me extremely happy but I really hope I get better classmates next year and the same goes for my teachers. But alas, can't have it all.

But I won't lie, this decision has been really tough on me, more than I'd like to admit and was met with so little support that I have been feeling completely invalidated and like an idiot. Even though I am one of the best students in class, but alas, people won't see your worth as a student in your grades apparently or anything because quitters are lazy. Or the fact that you are in the top 10 students who will pass and won't be kicked out. Never in my life have I ever wanted to persue something so badly but was met with so much disapproval from the people I love. I think what sucks more is that I am doing people a favor by doing this and I'm being treated like shit for it. So you can imagine how I feel.

But then, when they freaking need me I always have to be there for them and can't complain about it. Irony at its finest. I'm so tired.

Not only that, but I'm so emotionally exhausted. Drama is just everywhere and anywhere. I just can't catch a damn break and it's affecting me so much I'm not really sure what I feel anymore. Which is a huge problem because relapse is not something I can allow myself right now.

Nothing brings me joy, nothing calms me down and the only thing I want to do is sleep. I miss my classes. I miss the days I felt something and was able to create things. I feel like I'm right back where I started 3 years ago. And it's horrible.

I'm not trying to blame anyone here. No hate towards them or anything, but I wanna be honest for once and really talk about what is happening in my private life and stop with the damn excuses. Things have been really rough y'all. I'm so exhausted that I've run out of words to explain my situation anymore because why would I talk about it when no one can really do anything about it and all I can do is pity myself? I hate when people repeat themselves and that includes me.

I'll be fine. They will be fine. But if I suddenly disappear for a few days from time to time, now you know why.

I need a vacation. Sighs. And to feel something.

[bopinion]

2022 / 44

Aperçu of the Week:

"Anyone who thinks everything is connected to everything is just too lazy to sort it out."

(Nikolaus Blome, leading German political journalist)

Bad News of the Week:

I tend to sympathize with liberal parties. Because their theoretical DNA of "live and let live" appeals to me in principle. But nowadays I find it increasingly difficult to sympathize with the German liberal party FDP (Free Democratic Party). Especially when it comes to energy policy, an essential topic in recent and upcoming times. First the cheap populist proposal to impose a real and true lifetime extension on the remaining German nuclear power plants beyond stretch operation. Including new fuel rods - in other words, the diabolical stuff for which there is still no final (stock) solution - even in the party program of the FDP. And now fracking, too.

Seriously? That just doesn't make sense for two very simple reasons. First, the extraction of fracked gas is significantly more expensive than the development of solar and wind energy. Moreover, their reserves are unlimited. And secondly, gas is a dead end from the beginning. We here in Europe are just trying to overcome our economic (and comfortable) dependence on gas. And not just to stop filling the pockets of despots on this continent and neighboring Arabia.

But above all because gas releases the CO2 it contains when it is burned - something even the witches didn't like. The negative relevance of this for climate change is now only questioned by honks. Perhaps Mother Nature really did have something in mind when she stored the substance seemingly inaccessible beneath the earth's surface. And then the more stupid than wise Homo sapiens came up with the idea of opening up the depots - and burning them off.

And now the FDP actually wants to break open layers of rock in this country with the help of pressure and chemicals in order to extract shale gas? Despite the politically unsuspiciously proven dangers for such trivialities as underground stability or groundwater quality? If this is how the party-politically comprehensible demarcation from the policies of the unloved coalition partners, the Greens and Social Democrats, is supposed to look, all I can say is: think twice!

Good News of the Week:

Much has already been philosophized about the personality's affinity between Donald Trump and Jair Bolsonaro. It was therefore not surprising that some political observers feared that this populist might not have fully adopted the meaning of a peaceful transfer of power. There was enough to read between the lines. And then it actually looked that way. Déjà vu.

On election night, Bolsonaro was in the lead. Then Lula da Silva first caught up and then overtook him. Bolsonaro made no statement, let alone acknowledged the antipodean's election victory. Then there were the first roadblocks, tires burned, the conceitedly deceived people shouted "No to Lula!" Bolsonaro was still silent. The first protesters called - no joke! - on the military to stage a coup. For that, you have to know that Brazil was already once ruled by a military dictatorship for more than twenty years. The word "oblivion of history" echoed in my head, on it the hair stood up.

But then everything turned out well: first there were confirmations from all sides, up to the Supreme Court, of the legitimacy of Lula's election. Then there were hints from Bolsonaro's camp that the ex-president would not oppose an orderly transfer of office. Then the military leadership made clear it would not be available for a coup. And finally, Bolsonaro himself spoke out, calling on his countrymen to abandon the blockades because they would hurt everyone. Good, no conceding his own defeat. And, of course, no congratulations to the successor. But someone had probably read the polls that the image of a bad looser could be detrimental to a possible re-election in four years.

So now I am calmly waiting for the first scandal revelations or lucrative book contracts. And investigations by tax authorities. And by public prosecutors. Because you don't need a crystal ball to discover one or two indications of illegal behavior in the conduct of Bolsonaro and his protégés. These may spare Lula - provided he manages to stay in good health (he is, after all, almost as old as Joe Biden) and can continue to some extent with the successful and popular program of his first two terms in office from 2003 to 2011 - from having to run against a political zombie in four years' time. And thank God or whoever: there are no midterms in Brazil.

Personal happy moment of the week:

My little big girl is now a student. And her start at the university in Munich went and goes very well. So far, not only has she already found friends, but also all the lecture halls. Gets along with the subjects and the professors. Likes the mensa and the lifestyle. And is already getting extra curricularly involved in her faculty: the day before yesterday, she and a fellow student won the pitch to lead the student project "Running Dinner." Everything in green area so far - I am very pleased.

I couldn't care less...

...about the discussion whether Olaf Scholz during his China trip sufficiently pointed out human rights - whether working conditions in the Corona lockdown, the oppression of the Uyghurs, the system of social points etc. - or not. As long as it remains with well-meaning words, maybe one or the other moral sense in this country feels addressed, but nobody in China. After all, Scholz invited the bosses of BASF and Volkswagen on his delegation, not Amnesty International and Human Rights Watch. The dogs bark but the caravan moves on.

As I write this...

...one hears more and more loudly the dramatic drumbeat of the acid test of US democracy next Tuesday. Will the Republicans take the majority in both houses of Congress? Can the same society really classify Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez and Marjorie Taylor Green as representatives of the people? Does being a pro-life advocate keep you electable if you have had an abortion yourself? The real elephant in the room, however, is not even on the ballot. Namely, the fundamental question of whether Donald Trump will run again in the 2024 presidential election. What is actually his personal decision, the Grand Old Party's approval is considered a mere formality. Speaking at a campaign event in Iowa the day before yesterday, he said, "I will very, very, very probably" run for president. "In order to make our country successful, and safe and glorious." Is that supposed to be a threat or sarcasm?

Post Scriptum:

Last week I was still struggling here about tomato soup on Vincent Van Gogh's "Sunflowers." A little unsure how to classify the value of civil disobedience when it serves a greater good. It became more tangible to me the day before yesterday, as I passed the sit-in by "Last Generation" (who has it in their hands to avert climate collapse) climate activists on Munich's busiest street. I was impressed by the replica of a blocker to a passerby (clearly an old white man) who simply called him the ring muscle which is not located in the eye: "I'd rather not have to sit here either."

In an open letter to German Chancellor Olaf Scholz, the "Last Generation" wrote: "You promised us, binding under international law, to make efforts to limit global warming to +1.5°C. Yet you have not done so." Unfortunately, this is true. According to the model calculations of a study by the Berlin University of Applied Sciences (HTW) from last year, the climate goals of the Paris Climate Agreement will be clearly missed with the currently planned measures of the German government. What the government-appointed (!) expert council for climate issues yesterday confirmed impressively.

"Climate goals?" According to the Duden (German language definitions) a goal is "something towards which someone's action is quite consciously directed, which someone seeks to achieve as the meaning and purpose of his doing." And according to the English Wikipedia "an idea of the future or desired result that a person or a group of people envision, plan and commit to achieve." Consciously directed? Purpose of his doing? Commit to achieve? Sadly, there is little evidence of this.

Given the current activist bashing - since, of course, emergency vehicles can also be stuck in a traffic jam caused by a sit-in - I increasingly get the impression that cause and effect are being confused. Deputy government spokesman Wolfgang Büchner, for example, said yesterday in all seriousness that the limit of legitimate protest is reached when the endangerment of human life is accepted. He will not even have been aware of the bitter irony of his statement....

[nosetoons]

Hi.

So, as you may or may not have realized, I haven't really posted all that much this month aside from that one trade I did. And I have a reason for that: I am working on this year's Pride Month project...or I was.

You see, things started ok...kinda late but ok...but then I sidetracked, began delaying when I was gonna do the next character and what not and so forth. Part of it was because I was lazy and got too focused on scrolling on my phone, and just recently it's because a lot is going on at my job it's been draining me.

Holy fuck, I have never wanted to leave my job so bad, but I don't have a vehicle or a license...just a permit. Almost every customer treats me like garbage, and some even tried to get me in trouble and accuse me of being rude to them all because I couldn't sell them cigarettes without an ID. My manager, being the manager, has to get onto me for bad behavior, and it just tips me over the edge. She was not the same person I first met when I transferred to a different dollar store. In fact, she has been making rules up just so her relationship with the entire town can stay stable...such as changing their prices to march exactly what the customers want, which is something we are not allowed to do, but any objection will get us in trouble.

But here's another thing about her, wait for it...SHE DOES DRUGS!!! :D No really, she will actually leave me in the store all alone during her break (which again, is not anything she is supposed to do) just to get stoned or get a quick shot of dope. But it's funny because she bragged about putting away that kind of stuff and being sober, but of course that turned out to be a crock of shit. Because a few days ago, the cops came into the store while I was working and searched the entire store, including her office, because she ended up getting a warramt for her arrest thanks to one of her relatives who is in prison fessing up over her doing drugs, and the next day, another cop delivered the news to me that she, along with her boyfriend, was in jail, and that she will appear in court sometime this week.

So yeah, no wonder the manager has been acting way over her head here lately. She was a crackhead. Ha...and the assitant manager was gone for the weekend. So that only left the 3 of us to run the whole store. The whole thing set me off, and I decided I wasn't going to do anything when I got home. The manager's boss is supposed to come over this week to decide whether or not she is going to stay, and it's very likely she will not.

So aside from delaying and a shitty job, another thing is that when I do draw, I have been getting drained very quickly. This is because I have more big characters than I do small characters. Some I haven't even drawn in forever or some with lots of details. I ended up saving 2 drawings for another time.

So that being said, I don't see myself finishing it, which is a shame because I was really looking forward to this but life got the best of me. I wish I didn't have so tired all the time, I wish I didn't have a shitty job, I wish my manager wasn't a drug user, and more importantly, I wish I drawing characters didn't take every bit of energy I have out of me.

I'm sorry folks. After I get done typing this, I'm gonna do like a quick doodle to post so I'll have something for Art Summary this year. And then at some point. I'll post what I did finish for the project. This was...a really rough experience and I hope I can resume to normal posting again.

P.S. Fuck typing on the phone with fat fingers my god

-Wage

[troublekilleda]

                   and  another  thing

                     -->  the  entirety  of  s2  onwards  was  incredibly  traumatizing  to  duke.  s1  was  still  bad  for  him  but  honestly  it  got  progressively  worse  after  s2.  his  wife  came  back  after  she  bailed  on  him  three  years  prior  (  it  is  canon  that  duke  has  a  fear  of  abandonment  esp  from  women  stemming  from  the  neglect  and  abandonment  by  his  mother  )  and  she  lied  to  him  and  conned  him  ,  teaming  up  w  the  rev  who  only  wanted  to  use  duke  as  a  weapon.  he  wanted  to  use  duke’s  curse  and  clean  up  haven  ,  encouraging  evi  to  manipulate  him  to  help  turn  him  into  an  instrument.  not  just  that  ,  but  his  wife  proceeded  to  die  in  his  arms  (  over  the  course  of  the  series  ,  three  woman  duke  cared  about  died  in  his arms  [  first  vanessa  in  season  one  ,  then  evi  in  season  two  ,  then  jennifer  in  season  four  ]  )  further  traumatizing  him  more.  his  trouble  was  activated  towards  the  end  of  s2  and  he  then  found  out  about  the  curse  and  why  his  father  made  him  swear  to  come  back  to  haven  (  i.e  kill  audrey  , his  friend  ).  to  top  it  off  ,  there  was  a  trouble  that  made  ghosts  visible  in  haven  ,  i.e  simon  crocker.  he  spent  the  entire  episode  being  manipulated  by  the  ghost  of  his  father  //  abuser  as  well  as  the  rev  while  nobody  tried  to  help  him. sure  ,  audrey  told  him  to  stop  but  ?  his  friend  nathan  and the  ghost  of  nathan’s  father  garland  did  nothing  to  stop  the  rev  or  simon  from  trying  to  manipulate  him.  they  treated  him  like  a  crocker  ,  like a  murderer.  like  a  monster.  the  episode  ended  with  duke  killing  for  the  first  time  because  the  man  threw  himself  onto  the  blade  duke  was  given  before  duke  could  try  to stop  him.  not  to  mention  his  obsession  with  the  guard  tattoo.  in  season  one  ,  duke’s  childhood  babysiitter  whom  he  had  a  crush  on  had  the  trouble  to  foretell  someone’s  death  when  she  touched  them.  as  she  laid  dying  in  duke’s  arms  ,  he  was  told  he  was  to  die  by  a  man  with  a  tattoo  on  his  forearm  of  a  maze.   turns  out  ,  many  have  that  tattoo  and  he  lived  in  constant  paranoia  of  anyone  who  had  it. 

                   s3  is  when  we  saw  duke’s  struggle  with  his  trouble.  he  knew  from  the  beginning  that  he  wasn’t  going  to  give  in  ,  that  he  wasn’t  going  to  be  like  his  father  or  all  the  crockers  that  came  before  him.  the  entire  season  ,  nathan  treated  him  like  a  villain.  like  he  wanted  the  crocker  curse.  that  he  had  any  say  of  what  was  thrust  upon  him  ,  what  he  never  asked  for.   going  back  to  the  guard  tattoo  ,  nathan  rejected  duke  so  much  to  the  point  that  he  got  the  tattoo  so  that  if  someone  with  it was  going  to  kill  duke  ,  he  wanted  to  be  on  that  list.  to  add  onto  that  hostility  ,  duke  was  manipulated  by  one  of  his  closest  friends  into  killing  a  man  for  the  greater  good. this  comes  after  duke’s  battle  against  being  turned  into  a  weapon  ,  after  said  close  friend  refused  to  let  him  be  a  weapon  by  others’  hands. she  told  him  that  if  he  didn’t  kill  the  man  ,  many  many  lives  would  suffer.  they  would suffer  if  he  didn’t  kill  him.  lives  would  be  ruined  and  ended  if  duke  didn’t  turn  into  a  murderer.  he  killed  the  man  and  it  visibly  broke  him  and  shook  him.  an  episode  followed  where  lady  justice  became  real  and  targeted  those  who  had  done  unlawful  things.  filled  with  guilt  ,  he  expressed  his  hatred  over  killing  a  man.  he  regretted  his  actions  though  he  knew  he  had  to.  killing  that  man  out  of  manipulation  really  traumatized  duke.  as  s3  progressed  ,  he  continued  to  be  targeted  by  the  guard  as  well  as  nathan.  nathan  blamed  duke  for  his  actions  of  killing  that  man  ,  never  once  blaming  audrey  even  though  she was  the  one  who  made  duke  do  it.  the  sad  thing  is  ,  duke  has  been  manipulated  and  abused  by  women  all throughout  his  life  that  he  knew  audrey  was  doing  it  and  he  knew  what  she  was  doing  was  wrong.  yet  ,  despite  this  ,  he  never  left  her.  he  loved  audrey  and  he  let  her  use  him  out  of  fear  that  if  he  didn’t  ,  she  would  leave  him.  s3  ended  with  audrey  being  forced  to  go  back  into  the  barn  to  save  haven  ,  and  nathan  manipulated  duke  into  following  her  by  basically  saying  if  you  love  her  ,  you’ll  follow  her.  if  you  love  her  you  wouldn’t  let  her  leave.  he  jumped  into  the  barn  after  her  and  it  imploded when  he  did.

                   s4  is  where  we  saw  a  six  month  time  jump  between  his  entrance  into  the  barn  and  his  leaving  it.  he  came  back  and  audrey  didn’t.  he  fell  into  a  fish  tank  at  an  aquarium  in  boston  ,  and  he  proceeded  to  meet  jennifer  mason  in  the  hospital  afterwards.  they  went  back  to  haven  after  finding  nathan  ,  who  treated  him  positively  upon  his  return  but  it  went  away   when  he  realized  duke  didn’t  have  audrey.  his  older  paternal  half  brother  ,  wade  ,  came  to  haven  in  his  absence  ,  taking  care  of  duke’s  ship  and  restaurant  as  he  believed  that  duke  had  died.  in  episode  s4  ep  04  ,  duke  was  taken  control  of  by  a  teenager  with  a  possession  esque  trouble.  while  not  in  control  of  his  body  ,  the  teenager  used  him  to  kiss  jennifer  as  well  as  kill  his  original  body.   when  he  killed   the  teen  through  the  other’s  control  ,  his  trouble  kicked  it  and  ended  the  possession  trouble.  another  thing  with  that  ,  audrey  who  had  come  back  from  the  barn  as  lexie  let  him  kill  that  teen  because  she  knew  his  trouble  would  kick  in.  not  once  did  she  try  to  help  him  or  stop  the  teen  ,  more  focused  on  keeping  her  identity  as  audrey  a  secret  than  helping  duke.  after  he  regained  his  body  ,  jennifer  used  the  kiss  as  means  to  begin  a  relationship  and  have  her  move  onto  the  rouge  with  him  ,  knowing  fully  well  he  was not  in  control  of  his  body  at  the  time.  as  this  occurs  ,  his  half  -  brother  wade  has  been  manipulated  as  well  into  encouraging  the  crocker  curse  ,  becoming  a  serial  killer  for  the  high  and  the  power.  after  wade  goes  after  jennifer  ,  duke  is  forced  to  murder  his  own  brother  ,  something  only  jennifer  knew.  duke  blames  himself  vehemently  for  the  murders  committed  by  wade  as  he  believes  that  it  was  his  fault  he  came  to  haven  in  the  first  place.  through  the  murder  of  wade  ,  the  crocker  curse  ends  as  the  curse  ends  afflictions  within  the  family  ,  thus  ending  his.  he  buries  wade  alone  and  fears  he  is  beginning  to  turn  into  a  killer  like  wade  ,  fearing  that  he  is  beginning  to  become  like  his  brother  as  jennifer  flinched  when  he  came  near  her.  this  murder  and  the  disregard  both  audrey  and  nathan  have  for  duke  leads  duke  to  consider  leaving  haven.  he  is  filled  to  the  brim  with  guilt  and  self  hatred  ,  believing  himself  to  be  selfish  and  soft.  he  reiterates  what  he  has  told  himself  over  the  years  and what  people  have  told  him  as  well.  i’m  supposed  to  be  the  selfish  one.  when  it  was  discovered  the  crocker  curse  was  done  (  when  people  encouraged  him  to  kill someone  without  even  asking  ,  another  form  of  manipulation  for  the  greater  good  )   ,  some  viewed  it  as  a  loss  as  it   came  in  handy.  another  example  that  people  only  viewed  duke  as   a  crocker  and  instrument  rather  than  a  person  who  is  being  slowly  but  surely  ruined  by  this  curse.  not  so  long  after  the  death  of  his  brother  at  his  hands  and  reobtaining  his  trouble  ,  he  takes  it  back  upon  himself  to  save  people  of  haven.  william  ,  a  man  revealed  to  have  been  the  lover  of  the  original  form  of  audrey  as  well  as  well  as  the  co  -  creator  of  the  troubles  ,  altered  a  fatal  curse  that  took  many  lives.  duke  was  thus  pressured  to  reclaim  his  trouble  under  the  very  real  risk  of  a  mass  death.   realizing  he  would  have  to  kill a  member  of  that  family  to  save  everyone  ,  he  had  audrey  recurse  him  with  the  foundation  of  the troubles  i.e  aether.  he  noticed  a  change  in  audrey  as  she  retroubled  him  ,  a  flicker  of  her  true  self.  after  he  killed  the  father  of  the  baby  with  the  trouble  ,  it  is  revealed  that  there  is  something  very  wrong  with  him  after  he  got  retroubled.  he  is  in  a  major  amount  of  pain  and  to  top  it  off  ,  after  opening  the  gateway  to  another  world  ,  his  body  begins  to  suffer  more  and  jennifer  dies  in  his  arms  as  a  result  of  her  opening  the  gateway.  it  is  here  that  mara  is  revealed  ,  and  duke  is  bleeding  from  his  eyes  for  unknown  reasons. 

                   for  the  first  two  episodes  of  s5  ,  after  the  explosion  of  the  lighthouse  in  which  the  s4  finale  took  place  ,  he  refuses  to  acknowledge  that  jennifer  had  died.  he  is  searching  for  her  and  in  the  meantime  ,  spilling  his  blood  all  over  haven.  thanks  to  him  being  retroubled  ,  his  curse  had  been  altered  thanks  to  mara.  now  ,  duke  is   filled  with  every  single  trouble  that  any  crocker  before  him  had  absorbed.  it  is  very  quickly  killing  him  ,  and  with  every  drop  of  blood  spilled  ,  a  trouble  is  released  to  afflict  anyone.  they  are  tied  directly  to  his  emotions  ,  i.e  a  hear  no  evil  ,  see  no  evil  ,  and  speak  no  evil  trouble  sewing  people’s  mouths  ,  eyes  ,  and  ears  shut  if  they  try  to  make  duke  acknowledge  the  reality  of  jennifer’s  death.  this  proceeded  to  make  him  unable  to  grieve  the  death  of  the  woman  he  loved  to  avoid  a  risky  trouble  he  has  no  control  over.  from here  ,  duke  has  never  grieved  jennifer’s  death.  he  accepted  it  ,  finally  ,  but  that  was  all  he  could  do.  with  mara  formerly  on  the  loose  and  now  held  captive  ,  duke  is  in  an  incredibly  vulnerable  place.  she  is  a  trained  manipulator  ,  even  getting  under  the  skin  of  an  army  trained  interrogator.   never  once  did  she  not  have  the  upper  hand  of  any  situation  she  was  placed  in  ,  never  once  was  she  not  in  control.  they  instructed  duke  to  take  her  to  his  home  to  watch  her  ,  only  for  her  to  heavily  manipulate  him  and  getting  into  his  mind.  he  was  forced  into  consulting  with  her  when  nathan  was  possibly  dead  ,  forced  by  audrey  into  giving  himself  up  to  this  woman  and  making  him  vulnerable.  mara  asked  about  duke’s  mother  and  told  him  that  she  would  only  help  him  if  he  opened  up  about  his  abuse  ,  something  he never  even  told  audrey  who  he told  many things.  when  he  told  audrey  ,  she  ignored  his  worries  and  further  forced  him  into  letting  a  known  manipulator  know  his  weak  spot  like  that.  she  didn’t  care  ,  and  this  is  another  example  on  how  duke  gives  himself  and  lets  people  take  what  they  need  from  him  ,  even  if  it  hurts  him.  she  wormed  her  way  into  his  thoughts  , convincing  him  that  his  so   called  friends  would  abandon  him  and  that  they  were  similar  ,  catering  to  the  fears  of  abandonment  he  has.  and  expertly  ,  may  i  add  ,  because  he  begins  to  believe  her  words  after  his  “  friends  “  seemingly  give  him  up  to  save  their  own  asses.  they  only  contacted  him  when  they  wanted  to  use  him  or  “  neeeded  “  him  or  needed  him  to  get  information  out  of  his  abuser.   she  forced  him  to  kill  a  man  responsible  for  a  pandemic  that  has  already  killed  many people  after  she  stabs  the  man  ,  making  duke  put  him  out  of  his  misery.  while  on  their  own  in  a  cottage  ,  she  leads  him  to  believe  she  will  never  leave  him  or  hurt  him  like  so  many  had  done  before.  she  tells  him  that  he  doesn’t  need  to  be  alone  anymore  because  he  has  her.  in  her  own  words  ,  she  said  ‘  i  won’t  abandon  you  ,  duke.  you  say  you  don’t  need  anyone  ?  this  trouble  is  proof  that  you’re  lying.  you  want  people  to  think  that  you’re  a  selfish  bastard  so  that  when  they  leave  you  ,  they  won’t  know  how  badly  they  have  hurt  you. ‘   she  is  once  more  catering  to  his  abuse  and  abandonment  issues  ,  telling  him  she  will  be  there  for  him  because  nobody  else  is.  this  is  textbook  manipulation  at  its  finest.  this  leads  to  mara  raping  him  while  he  is  clearly  vulnerable  and  unable  to  give  complete  consent.  on  top  of  that  ,  while  having  sex  with  him  ,  mara  touches  him  with  aether  many  times  ,  troubling  him  with dozens  if  not  hundreds  of  troubles  without  his  knowledge.  she  reveals  not  so  much  later  that  she  was  using  duke  and  turning  him  into  a  weapon  ,  so  filled  w  troubles  that  he  will  explode.  to  save  the  town  and  everyone  in  it  from  himself  (  duke  isn’t  shown  blaming  mara  at  all  ,  he  takes  every  ounce  of  blame  for  these  troubles  even  though  they  aren’t  his  fault )  ,  duke  tries  to  commit  suicide  and  is  then  stopped.  this  comes  from  an  entire  season  in  which  nobody  is  shown  caring  about  duke  ,  and  only  when  he  tries  to  die  do  they  start  to  have  semblance  of  caring  for  him.  season  5a  ends  with  mara  turning  off  duke’s  bomb  though  it is  reactivated  when  mara  is  killed.  his  body  thus  expels  all  the  troubles  out  of  his  body  ,   afflicting  many  lives  as  well  as  affecting  every  single  person  in  haven. 

[shadowsphere]

🔮A Psychic's Debt ⎯ Y. Hagakure

☽ Featuring: Yasuhiro Hagakure

☽ Request? ✓ @princeasimdiya12 again sorry for the long wait! Also, I did two timeskips in the middle, I couldn't think of anything to put but really it was just like a minute time skip. Not gonna lie, I stayed up writing on most of this so I'm sure some parts are rushed just because my brain was too tired to think of anything in between also sorry, the actual nsfw stuff is shorter lol i dont know how i did that

☽ Includes: abduction, drowning, gagging, ocean, no reader, character death, orgasm, almost naked and afraid, hallucinations, chained up, yakuza, forced drug taking, pain, does it count as a pain kink if the aphrodisiac started to take effect?, underwater handjob, drooling (again), forced blood kink, dick teasing, gn! diver, nipple play

☽ Synopsis: Yasuhiro Hagakure is abducted by the Yakuza, who decides to pay him back for screwing them.

☽ minors do not interact

🔮┊🔮┊🔮 ≛ ☽

Yasuhiro was tired.

He had been sprinting for hours, trying to make the distance bigger between him and his pursuers. If they got their hands on him, he didn't know what would happen.

Why did his clairvoyance power get him into these situations?

Let's go back to about two days ago.

Yasuhiro's shop was visited by a wealthy-looking man. He had two neatly dressed bodyguards with him. Yasuhiro instantly knew that he needed to make this man believe him. He might get a whole bunch of money!

Yasuhiro cleared his throat and the bodyguards looked at him and glared. He understood that he was being disrespectful by the look so he waited. The wealthy man looked around his shop. He was taking his time, which was raising Yasuhiro's anxiety.

The man finally acknowledged Yasuhiro and walked towards him. He was surveying the setup Yasuhiro had. From the tacky tablecloth to the standard crystal ball in the middle of the table, which Yasuhiro never uses. It's just for show. The man sat down and stared at him intensely.

Yasuhiro was getting uncomfortable with the silence that's been happening since he got here.

"Are you the psychic Yasuhiro Hagakure?" Yasuhiro was surprised that he knew who he was. Maybe his reputation was bigger than he thought it worse. "Yes, I am the amazing Yasuhiro." He thought it was a good idea to make a joke about how amazing he was. Yet his proclamation didn't get any sort of reaction.

'Tough crowd.'

"I will pay you 1,000,000 monocoins for you to tell me my future." Yasuhiro felt the laziness that usually plagued his body drain the moment he heard how much money he would be getting. He sat up straight. He was going to get him this money, even if he had to lie a little.

Yasuhiro showed a money-hungry smile. The wealthy man noticed his enthusiasm for the money offer and smirked. A lot of money can go a long way to get what you want. "There's a catch, however." Yasuhiro's smile never went away.

You could practically see the dollar signs in his eyes.

"If you lie or deceive me, you're disappearing from this world." Yasuhiro didn't hear that part. He was still focused on the amount of money he was about to get just for telling the man in front of him his future. Yasuhiro was just nodding along, not knowing what he just agreed to.

Yasuhiro got to work. He made the man put his hands on the crystal ball, Yasuhiro's own hands going onto the ball as well. He closed his eyes and faked like he was actually looking through the man's future when really it instantly came to him.

He just needed to act like it was difficult for him.

"I see. Hmmm...interesting. You should prepare...the war is starting....and you should be the one to start it." Yasuhiro opened his eyes and made eye contact with eyes that looked hungry with power. "Will I win?" Yasuhiro silently nodded and he noticed how the men who came with the mysterious man seemed to be nodding with approval.

He didn't really care, all he wanted was his money. So what better way than to lie a little?

"My visions are always 100% correct." That was a lie, it was a mere 30%, but they didn't need to know that at all. The mystery man stood up and reached out his hand. Yasuhiro shook it, noticing the glimpse of a tattoo that went from his hand, through the sleeves of the man's suit.

"Since you have such a high rate of success, I'll double the money. Just as a little thank you gift." Yasuhiro was silently cheering. Before the man left, he ended up getting Yasuhiro's bank information and sent him 2,000,000 monocoins to him.

Yasuhiro checked before the day ended, and the money was there. He continued checking it until the beginning of earlier today.

Yasuhiro had the day off and woke up to look at his bank account to admire how much money he had made. But when he looked, it was all gone. "What the fuck?!" Yasuhiro got out his bed quickly. He practically leaped out his door.

He should've stayed in bed.

In front of him were a lot of expensive black cars. Stood in front, with his hands in his pockets was the man from the day before. Yasuhiro noticed the tattoos some of them had. 'Fuck. Yakuza.' Yasuhiro's flight or fight response was getting ready to kick in. He saw how angry the man looked.

What the fuck happened?

"Yasuhiro Hagakure. You may have noticed that your money is gone. Wonder why? Turns out that my enemy came to you before and asked for their future and you told them I would be planning an attack on them. Because of you, I lost." Yasuhiro was confused.

He didn't see anyone who paid as much as this man. However, he didn't look like he would listen to anything Yasuhiro had to say. So, Yasuhiro did what his cowardly mind thought: run.

So, he's been running since then and he was becoming exhausted. Yasuhiro didn't want to take a break, but he had to, he needed energy in order to continue trying to get away. He was hunched over, catching his breath when he heard leaves crunch. He looked behind him but couldn't see anyone.

Yet his body was tense with fear.

This fear was justified. Within a second, Yasuhiro got tackled and forced to the ground. He was squirming around, trying to get out of the grip of his capturers. No matter how much he struggled, their grips never loosened.

Yasuhiro was lifted up like he weighed nothing and was carried a few miles away. During the whole walk, Yasuhiro consistently struggled but that only got him a few bruises and a broken nose.

Yasuhiro was thrown into a car and the door slammed. He sat up and looked around, noticing he was in the car with a man who was clearly the leader. "Listen, this is just a big misunderstanding." Each time he spoke, Yasuhiro could taste the blood that was running from his nose into his mouth.

He cringed at the metallic taste as the Yakuza leader just stared at him. "A misunderstanding huh?" Yasuhiro nodded and instantly regretted it, who knew a broken nose could affect you this much. "So are you saying I messed up? I made a mistake?" Yasuhiro knew this was a trap.

The man was trying to lead him into saying he fucked up, which would definitely cause more aggression toward Yasuhiro. However, he couldn't disagree cause then the man will say he tried to trick him, adding to the aggression that was already there.

Either way, it was a lose-lose situation.

Yasuhiro stayed silent though, no matter how he answered or how he played this, the situation would get worse. So he hoped his silence would be enough to let the man know that he didn't know. The Yakuza leader followed every drip of blood from Yasuhiro's nose.

He saw how Yasuhiro's eyes were struggling to stay open, not just from some of the blood loss but also from the pain he had to endure and the amount of time he spent running. It was catching up to his body. The man smirked, hoping Yasuhiro would fall asleep before they got to their destination. He wanted to surprise him.

Unfortunately for Yasuhiro, he did in fact fall asleep. A huge mistake he'll come to regret later.

Something was wrong.

Yasuhiro could sense it. Usually, he would sleep peacefully. But there was this dream that kept reoccurring. He would open his eyes and see a vast amount of water surrounding him every way he looked. He felt a pulling sensation constantly and looked down to see he had a chain around his ankle.

He would realize he was under the water, from the amount of fish that were swimming around him. He wondered how long he had been down here. It was hopeless to fight, he was at the bottom.

He knew he couldn't win so he gave up. He was losing air and consciousness and as his world started to get dark, he saw the cruise ship's silhouette above him. It was the last thing he saw before his eyes closed and then reopened.

With his eyes open, he saw the water and heard the cruise ship, then died. Then his eyes opened and he saw the water. It was like his dream was trying to warn him repeatedly that this was going to happen and he needed to wake up or it would keep repeating.

Yasuhiro's eyes opened and he saw the sky. He found this weird. Was everything he experienced a warning that he should get a head start? Yasuhiro tried to sit up but couldn't. He let out a groan as the soreness in his body started to hit him.

Nope. Everything but the water actually happened.

"You're awake. Oh, but you won't be able to move." Yasuhiro looked to his left and saw a large group of people. They were all watching him with the scariest look on their faces. Why were they all looking at him like he was a piece of meat? Yasuhiro opened his mouth to speak "W....W..." He couldn't speak.

His throat was dry and his voice was scratchy.

Everyone laughed at him, again causing some worry to appear in Yasuhiro. They were getting enjoyment from his suffering. The Yakuza leader tilted his head as he stared at Yasuhiro. "Would you like some water?" Yasuhiro desperately nodded. He needed it. "Don't worry, you'll be getting plenty soon."

'That sounds creepy.' Yasuhiro thought about the vision he had. That vision couldn't be real right? His accuracy was only thirty percent, so it couldn't have been true. The Yakuza leader made it no better. "Yasuhiro Hagakure. I wanted to make you sleep with the fishes figuratively. However, I had a change of heart and decided to do it literally."

Yasuhiro's eyes widened and he attempted to move around. Yet he still couldn't. It was like his body was being held down by a powerful force. "Sorry about you not being able to move. I had to give you a paralytic drug. It would make this easier."

They forced a drug inside of him.

They paralyzed his body to make it easier for them to throw him into the water. They were going to drown him and he couldn't do anything about it. "Boss we're coming up to the middle of the ocean now." The Yakuza leader nodded and stood up. He walked towards a scared and paralyzed Yasuhiro.

He crouched down next to him and whispered. "So your visions aren't 100%. Fascinating how far someone would go just for money." He stood up and ordered everyone on the boat. "Start preparing him. We need to hurry and get back." Everyone on the boat started moving.

Random hands started to grab at his body, all reaching and manhandling his body to strip his clothes. He couldn't even move to fight back against the forced undressing he was undergoing right now. They took off all his clothes but his boxer briefs.

Yasuhiro's body shivered from the exposure to the air, he couldn't focus on that for long though.

Yasuhiro felt someone tug his leg harshly and he let out a hoarse scream, it was barely even a scream. His throat was so dry that he couldn't even scream. He heard a click and looked down to see someone had wrapped a chain around his ankle and kept it together with a lock.

He was forced to listen and watched as they prepared him for his demise.

He felt another tug on his ankle and looked over to see them pulling the anchor he was attached to. They were taking him to the edge of the boat and he couldn't fight. Yasuhiro couldn't even pathetically beg for his life. He felt tears welling up as he realized that his life choices finally caught up to him in the worst way possible.

"Awe~ He's crying." Yasuhiro heard a girl say as he got pulled. He bit his lip to stop himself from whimpering. These were the last people that were going to see him alive. He shouldn't cry. Yet the tears started to fall. He didn't want to die. He was too scared of death.

The Yakuza leader came back but this time with a bottle of pills. Are they about to put more paralytic drugs into him? The leader saw him looking at the bottle scared and he laughed. "Don't worry, I'm not going to prolong your paralysis. Instead, I'm going to make you feel good. I hope you're fine with aphrodisiacs."

They were trying to make him horny? Why? Why would they do that? he didn't have an option of forcing his mouth to close. The Yakuza's followers forced his mouth open and allowed their leader to drop a pill into his mouth. They also forced him to swallow the pill without any water that would help to hydrate him.

After forcing him to swallow, they put a cloth gag into his mouth.

The leader lied straight to his face, he wouldn't be getting any water at all. Yasuhiro wondered if he would pass out from dehydration and die or if he would be drowned while awake. "We made it to our destination Yasuhiro Hagakure. Say goodbye." Yasuhiro shook his head wildly.

He was trying to find some way to convince them to not throw him overboard. Let him repay in some other way. Even though it hurt his throat, Yasuhiro tried to speak. "Dommt dmo imt!" The Yakuza leader tilted his head. "I wonder what you're saying. Probably something insignificant."

The tears started to fall even more. He was hoping that they would have some compassion, but they didn't. They wanted to throw him over no matter what. "Throw the trash off." Hearing that final command, Yasuhiro closed his eyes tightly.

He didn't want to witness his death.

The members of the Yakuza grabbed ahold of the anchor and threw it into the ocean. Yasuhiro listened to the horrifying sound of the anchor's chain unraveling. Each time it unraveled, it tugged Yasuhiro towards the ocean.

When the anchor finally unraveled completely, Yasuhiro's body started to quickly and smoothly move toward the ocean. 'I can't accept this.' Yasuhiro started to panic. He could feel some of his body was starting to become unparalyzed.

Yasuhiro wrapped his arm around one of the Yakuza members. "Let go!" Yasuhiro shook his head. The member was starting to panic, Yasuhiro was going to pull them into the water with him. The Yakuza member grabbed onto the boat tightly, which halted how much Yasuhiro's movement.

"Safhh!"

Yasuhiro celebrated too early. Everyone on the boat started to attack him to force him to let go. They kicked and punched him. None of them were holding back. Yasuhiro felt his body become hot for some reason. He started to breathe and pant heavily.

"The aphrodisiac is finally taking effect."

The punches and kicks to his body were starting to feel good. Each form of abuse to his body, made him moan. "Hmmph..." He was starting to drool and his eyes rolled to the back of his head. Even when his nose started to bleed again, he got pleasure from it.

"Look at how disgusting he's become." Yasuhiro started to grind his bulge into the boat. He looked like a mess. His body was dirty from running, and he had dried up blood and tears on him, with even more blood to follow. His body felt so, so hot that it was getting uncomfortable.

The only way to cool down would be to go into the water. With his mind under the aphrodisiac effect, Yasuhiro let go. The anchor, after being held up for so long, went deeper into the ocean with more speed than before. Yasuhiro couldn't think logically right now.

All that mattered was getting rid of the heat.

Instantly, Yasuhiro plummeted into the water. His body was now wet and his eyes were seeing all the ocean creatures as he went passed them. Yasuhiro felt his body jolt when the anchor finally sunk into the ground at the bottom of the ocean. He looked up and could barely see the sky. The fish continued to swim around him though like he wasn't there.

He was emerged in water, yet his body was still so hot and his arousal was showing underneath his briefs.

This was so disgusting but it was so...stimulating. Just the fact that he was hard underneath the water as if he was drowning. Yasuhiro moaned softly around the cloth gag as he started to teasingly touch his bulge

He needed to fill that pleasure more, so Yasuhiro put his hand on his bulge and squeezed his hardened cock. The aphrodisiac made him more sensitive so he almost orgasmed fast. He held it in, wanting to edge himself.

Each time he got close, he took his hand away from his bulge. Yasuhiro stopped teasing himself through his briefs after several minutes of edging himself. His cock was leaking, the wetness of his arousal mixing in with the wetness of the ocean.

In the distance, Yasuhiro saw a big shadow. He looked up and saw the ship he saw in his vision. It was closer to him than the vision. This was his chance to be saved, he couldn't think about drowning right now when he was close to being saved.

His visions didn't always come true. So his death wouldn't come true.

Yasuhiro could've sworn he was at the bottom of the ocean, he could see the very top of the ocean floor more clearly. He couldn't worry about that though, he started moving around but stopped. His body felt lighter. Yasuhiro looked down at his leg and saw there was no anchor connected to him.

Yasuhiro, again, felt like something was wrong because he remembered being forced to be connected to an anchor. He shook his head and started to thrash around in the water, hoping the bubbles and the movement would catch someone's attention on the boat as they passed by.

His hopes were answered. He saw a figure that was obviously not a part of the ship. He saw how they stared at him before they dove into the water. But as they swam closer and closer to Yasuhiro, he noticed he couldn't see their face.

He could only see the diver suit they had on, which couldn't tell him what their identity was. It didn't matter to him though, he was being saved by this person. The person reached for his body and focused on trying to take him out of the water. The diver wrapped their arms around Yasuhiro's waist tightly and pulled him against them.

"hmph..." Yasuhiro hoped his small groan from his bulge being pressed against the diver's body would go unnoticeable. However, it didn't. He could see how the person looked down at him instantly. He would be blushing if he wasn't underwater right now.

His back was arched and his head was thrown back as the diver experimentally pressed against him harder. Yasuhiro knew he could remove the cloth gag, but for some reason, he didn't want to. It was adding to the pleasure of the situation he was in.

He didn't know if it was because of the pill or not.

It seemed the diver figured out Yasuhiro's problem and let go of him. Panic arose in Yasuhiro, afraid that the diver would leave him like this. He grabbed onto the diver's suit, willingly them to stay. 'Please....don't leave me like this.' It seemed the diver knew how to read his mind because they reached for his very wet briefs and squeezed the bulge.

The amount of pleasure that shot up Yasuhiro's body was different from the pleasure he got from his own hand. It was like his body was highly sensitive just for the diver in front of him.

As their hand repeatedly squeezed Yasuhiro's bulge, their other hand went to his nipple and pinched it. "Fuuu..." Yasuhiro's eyes rolled to the back of his head as his body enjoyed the pleasure it was experiencing. Yasuhiro was going to cum, all the edging he did earlier was finally catching up to him.

When the diver tugged on his nipple, Yasuhiro saw stars as he came into his briefs, the water getting into his mouth, the cloth gag freeing itself from its clutches. For some reason though, he didn't panic when the water get into his body.

It was like his body became one with the ocean and he could breathe. The diver forced the cloth back into his mouth after Yasuhiro calmed down. Yasuhiro could tell that the person was turned on as well, yet was focusing on getting him off so that he could be saved without any distractions.

Yasuhiro was hard again, the aphrodisiac working its magic, but not as much now that he orgasmed.

The diver let go of his growing bulge and floated around Yasuhiro so that the front of their suit was on his back. Yasuhiro felt the diver's hand go back to his sensitive nipple as the other dipped into his briefs, having a firm grip on his cock.

Yasuhiro relaxed into the diver as they slowly stroked his cock and teased his nipple. The rough feeling of their gloves was stimulating Yasuhiro nicely. He bucked up into their hand, feeling his body getting embarrassingly close to the edge again.

The diver let go of his cock and put the now free hand onto Yasuhiro's other nipple. "Das so guud.." Yasuhiro was thrusting into his own briefs, loving the feeling of the rough texture. The diver pulled, pinched, and flicked at Yasuhiro's nipples.

He didn't know it was possible to cum from just his nipples being played with, but he now was. "PHOOK!" His orgasm was more intense this time and his body was shaking. Yet again, he was getting hard.

No matter how many times Yasuhiro came, he kept getting hard. The diver was continuously pleasuring him until Yasuhiro couldn't get hard anymore, but as time passed by, it seemed impossible. The ocean and his boxer briefs were filled with his cum repeatedly and he couldn't get enough.

Unknowingly to Yasuhiro, he was already dead. He was dead when the anchor hit the ground. People can only survive up to a minute underwater, it's been longer than that. Yet, he's been having this same dream for seventy years now, he was a ghost just reliving his life.

[mserm]

Fic Writer Interview Meme

@starvels tagged me in this and I feel very loved.

Name: msermesth, sometimes ms, or erm, or mserm.

Fandoms: Always Marvel, forever Marvel, primarily focusing on comic stuff and the MCU. I discovered the Untamed a few months ago and I've been obsessed ever since. There are a couple of random things in there, and I've recently gone down a RPF rabbit hole I don't want to talk about.

Two-Shots:

1. Won't Stop to Surrender is the only fic I've done that's two chapters. It's a Steve/Tony missing scene fic that goes through CACW, and each chapter is a different POV. I really like this fic! It's really moody, but I really enjoy rereading it.

Most Popular Fics:

1. In Dreams (Everything Makes Sense) is my first posted fic. Oh, god it feels like forever ago. Rereading it gives me a a combo of second hand embarrassment and pride. I do really like a lot of the scenes, though. I've gotten better at titles since then, too

2. Detours in Getting to Yes - or the 'gentrification' fic. I'm pro this fic. It required a lot of research, both canon-wise and housing policy wise.

3. A Proportional Response - President Cap is a cockblock. Finally a conduit for all of my West Wing knowledge. Even the title is a reference.

4. Magnetic North - Did I arbitrarily extend this list just to include this fic? Yes. I am so full of pride for this fic. I love everything about it, right down to the setting. It took up so much of my brain space that once I posted it I couldn't listen to the associated playlist for years.

Actual Worst Part of Writing:

Editing. I'll let something sit indefinitely if it means I can avoid editing it. I'm not good at detail work and am just an awful speller, and yeah, editing. I hate it.

How You Choose Your Titles:

Lots of song lyrics, honestly. I like trying to think of interesting titles that aren't song lyrics, and am proud of Detours in Getting to Yes and Magnetic North for that reason. I really enjoyed when I did that 'Flash Fics for New Comics' thing because I didn't have to title shit unless it sparked joy. That was great.

Do You Outline:

If it's long, somewhat? If it requires keeping an eye on what day of the week it is (In Dreams was like that), then I will. For other long fics I might now write something down, but I have a strong sense of how many scenes they will be and what will happen in them. Sometimes I'll free associate outline when I'm feeling stuck.

Stuff You'd Like to Write, But Are Not Writing:

More not Marvel stuff, honestly. I'm working on some Untamed stuff, so that doesn't really count, but there's a lot of smaller fandoms I wish I would make the effort to dip my toes into. The Americans, for example.

I'd also like to write some smaller ships in Marvel, and more gen type stuff.

What do you got to say to yourself?

You're happier when you're writing you're happier when you're writing you're happier when you're writing. But also don't get to obsessed or tire yourself out. Talk to people! Community is important! And stop it with the compound sentences they really throw off your rhythm.

Best Writing Traits:

Feels? I like the feels I write. I'm proud of most of the porn, too, lol. When I get in a groove, I'm there, and it's great, and so much writing happens.

Tangential Opinion:

The weird, only-you-can-write-it stuff is always going to be your best. Don't be afraid to let your freak flag fly. I don't even mean in a sexy way, just know that those weird quirks your brain is obsessed with is what makes your writing so great to others. And there's always someone with the same quirks.

tagging: I'm going to be that person who doesn't tag anybody. I think most of the people I know have been tagged and also I'm too lazy to see if the rest have either. Just know that if we're mutuals and you see this and want to do it, I WANT YOU TO DO IT. They're really fun to read.

[liang-rexy]

My AU "Wings of the Ravens" stuff.

Canon characters are OOC in some ways (compared to canon concepts, you know), and don't say I didn't warn you.

😂

Sam has cool canines. 😂

Tucker smiles, yeah. 😂

And Daniel. (See my current icon? That's basically me now, you know. I am sometimes exhausted and just want to sleep. )

And there's Dark Danny. (This design again because I love seeing sweet dresses. )😂😂😂He's actually quite happy this time. 😂

I changed the patterns of Dark Danny's dress and changed some of the base colours of the whole design. I wanted him to look nicer in this little dress.

I drew him wearing a dress for the third or fourth time (probably more). I have a freaking weird little comic showing Dan in a dark blue dress here. 😂

He looks good in dark colours. Since his skin colour is really light, light colour clothes don't suit him that well (I can still manage to design light colour clothes for him, but he looks better in black or dark blue/red/brown sometimes. ). (He looks cheerful when he's in orange. Just see my previous post. ) Okay the truth is that I have to design the rhythm of value and sometimes I am lazy or tired, so I prefer to draw simple clothes. Honestly I need to design the value thingy better. 😂 (Btw my lineart is getting better and it looks cool. )

I promised to share the haunted dolls with you, and here is the concept art. The haunted doll that I draw a lot has a proper name now.

(This particular one) She's Button Lady, who is a really friendly and sweet neighbor. (Other designs might be used for other haunted dolls or just ordinary dolls. )

I also have some truly fearsome, aggressive and dangerous ghostly characters. The smiling little character is not included. The smiling one is just another lovely neighbor. The characters with six limbs are the truly ominous creatures.

Oh and I am calling them Softies! Hahaha🌚👍👍

These Softies hunt ghosts (I mean some certain "species", such as Ectopuses, Worms, Eels, humanoid ghosts and perhaps more. They are not cannibals btw. ) Then they "suck" the energy out of their prey. Usually, even if a Softie doesn't destroy other ghosts, it can still hurt other ghosts seriously by just passing through the prey, and some ghosts will really just die (ghosts in my AU will die 😂) because of serious injuries. The most horrifying thing is that the prey usually cannot fight back at all (unless with a special weapon or sth), because Softies can't be injured by ordinary ghosts. (They are perhaps like "ghosts" to the ghosts? )

However, Softies are often harmless to terrestrial animals and plants (maybe more?) of Earth.

As for halfas, Softies aren't too interested in them. But these creatures can really hurt halfas if they intend to do so. ( To be honest, I don't want Danny and Vlad to be the "only halfas"in this weird world, so there are more half ghosts, but most of them aren't "half humans". I know this concept is super weird but whatever. )

Alright, so Softies are similar to "soul suckers" ane they are freaking dangerous and scary.

I actually tried to colour a nice Softie with watercolour. I used watercolour to colour a cartoonic character for the first time, and I think it looks fine.

(My drawings aren't scary, and I am aware of this. Just look at the way I draw canon characters, they aren't even creepy. My OCs aren't scary either. And the name "Softie" is a bit rediculous, but it suits them, and I am always serious. My stuff just look like that and it's not like I can make sth kid-unfriendly. I don't want to draw sth that's really terrifying. So let's just pretend that the Softies are creepy. )

Y. Rexy Leung's 52nd original post.

2020. 06. 18.

[moondustaeil]

𝐫𝐞:𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐞.

↳ Ambrosia's not-so-happy life update.

trigger warning, this post includes: weight loss, food, calorie counting, disordered eating habits, suicide, insecurities, fears.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟏: 𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐢𝐭, 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐢𝐭?

As I contemplate whether I should make an earnest post look as aesthetic as possible, my eyes are tearing up to Lee Chansub's "Gone". Therefore, this chapter gets named after his lyrics.

Since when was it? It's a question that crosses my mind after deciding on the chapter name, even though I'm well aware of the number of days that have passed. Each day I write that significant number in my journal, but there must be more than the pen can write. Beyond my awareness: there must have been a certain amount of time spent on a prologue to pen down the event that ultimately led to this chapter.

Since where was it? There could be multiple meanings behind the question, but I can only formulate a limited answer despite the openness. As far as I'm in charge of this story, there is no why or where. Yes, I quite literally woke up one day and decided to go on a diet, simple as that. Before that day, dieting never crossed my mind: I never saw my body as too much or myself as too little compared to others. Can you understand now why I think a prologue was written for me and not by me?

Anyhow, let's have a look at how I think I experienced my life before the diet. Sometimes I think I don't even remember how I experienced the last moments of it, but that doesn't mean I don't know how it went. My life before the diet was pretty plain: I didn't engage in any social or physical activities and spent most of my time behind my laptop to write or lurk around on YouTube. Eating-habit-wise, I never ate much: three meals a day with occasional snacks, those snacks probably covering more calories than my meals did. Despite eating calorie-covering snacks, I would have given my all for fruit and vegetables, especially frozen fruit. Back then, I already had significant eating habits: I'd eat nuts when I was stressed, drink smoothies while studying for exams, eat sour sweets when I was bored. My body before the diet wasn't that noteworthy: I maintained the same weight for around three years and only ditched my tight jeans because covid had me feeling too lazy to wear them. A youth like this might sound boring to you, but I gladly lived my life like this and, I don't regret the way I spent it.

I can still recall up to two days before it began: I can tell the contents of those days like I was the supporting cast instead of the main character, simply because I can't remember the emotions. The two last days were spent behind my laptop, waiting for the exam results while eating spicy nuts (to keep the stress level low). When the exam results came, and I realised I passed them all, I must have felt relieved. But in my memory, I didn't and don't feel anything at all concerning my exams. And that's where it stops. I don't even know where it starts again.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟐: 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐈 𝐰𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐮𝐩 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐧𝐨 𝐦𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐲

It quite literally feels like I woke up with no memories of the first days of the diet: I can recall what I ate, but not what I did or felt.

On the first day, I drank a strawberry oat smoothie for breakfast. It was my first self-made smoothie which was convincingly delicious compared to the bought smoothies I used to have. That same day, I stopped eating snacks: unknowingly, I restricted them and wouldn't allow them for the months after.

That paragraph is all I remember from the first day, and if I were to write one about every day of that week, it would be less each day. Maybe those days just weren't memory-worthy enough as I don't want to search for a reason behind every single thing.

For approximately twenty-eight days after the first one, I have no recollections. The only way I can reflect on those days is by checking my calorie intake and physical activity. Though, it doesn't feel like I was the one who tracked it.

The first proper recollection I have is of a day I ate 180 calories for the first time: a number I can only wonder about now. Though it was my first time having such a low intake, it wasn't the last or lowest. The number 180 seemed to attract me as in the days that followed, 180 would be the maximum amount of calories I'd consume. Back then, I had no idea what TDEE or BMR (of any of the other terms) were, so I can't tell you what my deficit was. But I would burn around 1200 calories a day by exercising, and that should be enough to raise red flags.

From that point on, even though I was probably slowly killing myself, I felt alive. A growing obsession with food, weight loss and exercise was fueling my mind. While my body was left behind, trying to catch up with the pace. If I didn't lose more than 1 gram overnight, I'd starve myself the next day. If I felt too lazy to exercise, I'd punish myself for being lazy by doing more. My weight dropped a lot, up to the point where the scale sometimes seemed to skip numbers.

Then a parent swap came: I would be staying with my dad for two weeks. In advance, I had already figured out everything I thought I needed to know: how I would skip meals without him finding out, at what times I could exercise without him knowing, where I could throw away the food he thought I would eat. The day I packed my bag and left for his house, my plans turned into action.

The two weeks there went as smooth as I planned them to go. Even with bonuses: he worked up to three days a week and did not question it when I didn't eat. In those two weeks, I would replace kpop videos with programs I used to despise: supersize versus superskinny and mukbangs. The videos would satisfy my hunger in some way, even though they caused me to start nailbiting. I wouldn't eat: I would only watch as others fed themselves.

Since I lost the initial subject I wanted to discuss in this chapter (I'm so sorry), I shall be moving on to the next chapter.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟑: 𝐡𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐨? 𝐃𝐢𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐞𝐚𝐭?

It was at this point that people were starting to notice things that I hadn't. Sometimes those things were appearance-related and, other times it was personality-related or even habit-related.

It started with a compliment from my aunt, and I felt like I was glowing when she mentioned my visible jawline and thin face. Maybe I was slightly disappointed that she noticed the facial changes before my body but, at the same time, she noticed a difference!

After her, people started commenting on my body, and I worked more to achieve those comments. I saw them as comments rather than compliments: I didn't tire myself out starting from 5:20 am every day just to receive a meaningless compliment. I wanted people to take notice.

And, they did. People that directly surrounded me were starting to notice things that I failed to see. Mostly stuff that changed about my personality while my body was changing. My mother told me that I became the opposite of easy-going and friendly when others were around. My sister told me that my facial expressions had gone even further than my usual resting bitch face. My nephew said that all I would do was try to end up in arguments with others and that he didn't like being around me anymore. It hurt to have all of those things said, but at the same time, I was too in denial to care. The only thing I cared about was food, exercise and losing weight.

On rare occasions, I became aware of the person I became. Mostly when others would try to reach me by calling or coming over but I was too busy to talk to them, and if I did, I would talk about food-related things only. So, I shut everyone out.

I no longer talked to my friends daily, wouldn't reply to my parents sending me messages, didn't go on social media unless it was to look at food or triggering images.

The world consisted of me and was ruled by my obsession.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟒: 𝐈 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐯𝐞

There is an unknown amount of time that settles itself between the previous chapter and this chapter. During this time, I once again feel like I'm just a supporting character: my habits develop and my obsession rules over everything I do.

Many of the things I did (which already wasn't a lot, to begin with), were based on stuff I said already. Though even more refined and obsessive.

When I closed my eyes, sleep would take me to dreams about food and weight loss. Approximately three times a night, I would open my eyes, assume it was morning and get ready for another day of exhaustion and starvation. Those nightly hours are still engraved in my mind and current habits: 12:00 am, 3:20 am, 5:28 am.

It is in this chapter that a slow awareness creeps up on me. The side effects are what wakens me when everything else consumes me: constant thoughts about food, the inability to sleep, not being able to think or focus, drifting from reality, always feeling cold, tingling headaches, not leaving the house for days unless it's for shopping (because I would look at food I couldn't eat).

"I need to stop," I told myself while I wrote in my journal how much better I would be if I lost some more weight because the scale is tempting me.

I didn't want to stop. I just wanted it to stop.

Though in reality, I had no control to stop myself or it. I had lost control long ago, and to this day, I still have no idea at which chapter I left it behind. Some days I thought of how to stop, but the exit sign was more like a full-stop as it led me to think of killing myself: it would make my family stop commenting on my condition and could give me a sense of freedom even though I would be dead.

It surely wasn't the first time I passed that exit sign in life, but it was the first time I felt determined to pass it by. All I wanted was to be able to sleep peacefully without thinking of food. *Snort*, such high standards.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟓: 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐦𝐬 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐲 𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦𝐬

Unexpectedly, a good dream did cloud over my bedroom. Even though it was simple, it's one of the dreams that I hope to keep in my memory forever. And for laughs, I'll share it.

TO1-member Donggeon was standing near my garage but, my mother's car wasn't in the driveway because she wasn't home. I was standing outside with him while he talked with Wei's Donghan (who was invisible to me). They were having a casual conversation in Korean. Then, he wanted to lean against the car that wasn't in the driveway, causing him to fall on all fours. He laughed at his stupidity and, at the same time, his ears were getting red from embarrassment.

That pretty much sums up the first not-food-related dream I had during my entire journey. And I still remember waking up at 3:20 am, laughing: it was stupid and silly but left such a big impression on me. And that's when I told myself: "I need to recover".

It sounds silly but I still, to this day, think that this dream set me off into recovery mode. Even though I felt like I had no control, I tried to take control: calculated a number of calories that I surely had to eat each day, planned Thursday to be my active rest-day, found less intense workouts to do in the morning, tried to replace the mukbangs in my watch later list by relaxing videos or recovery videos, scheduled to journal every day. Though I told myself I would do those things, it wasn't easy to put my words into action.

Yet, I fucking did it.

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟔: 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐤 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐦𝐲 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐧

Not going to lie: I spent all night wondering how I was going to write this and all morning putting it into proper words. Hence, the reason why I'm feeling exhausted: too exhausted to continue writing it even though the blooming period is so close. So instead of giving a lecture on recovery: I will try to give my opinion on recovering and how I'm doing these days.

Each day, I still question whether I'm truly in a recovery of something. I never went to see a professional or verbally admitted to my problems, so I never learned whether I'm recovering from something or just making progress after a downfall. I might be familiar with the use of DSM-4 and DSM-5 but, that doesn't mean I'm qualified to judge on whether I had/have a disorder or not. Yet, I opt to use the terms disordered eating and recovery until I'm sure of what it was that I went through.

Some days it feels like I was faking all of it, but then I realise, how was I faking it while I was going through it and experiencing it? Perhaps some of you reading even think I am faking all of the above, but that's your opinion. I don't need to defend myself for feeling things.

Now, I'll update you on where I'm standing today because I guess I wrote six chapters in order to get to this point. We all know I like to write more than necessary.

⋅ My disordered eating habits and calorie intake: I have made quite some progress (even if I say so myself). Each week, I challenge myself to increase my calorie intake by 100 until I reach my maintenance calories. It isn't as easy as it sounds because by the time I actually dared to increase by ten calories, the week is over, and I have to adjust my goal because I wasn't even able to reach close to where I planned to be. This week my goal is to eat 800 calories a day: a number that unexpectedly is paired with a lot of guilt and fear, so I haven't been able to eat that amount yet. The maximum I've eaten is 641 calories a day. Together with that, I also promised myself to eat one fear food or not-eaten food a week: that way, I hope to stop restricting myself and learn to enjoy them again. Some lasting habits I developed: I fear eating too early and will try to push back eating as late as I can because it gives me the feeling that I can enjoy it for longer but I do have strict hours, I cut everything into mini pieces because it gives me the feeling that I have more to nibble on and more to enjoy, I read every single nutrition label multiple times (in the store and at home) because I fear that it might include too many calories or fat, I don't eat anything that I didn't plan and nothing that I can't track calorie-wise, I eat the same thing for breakfast every day because I feel like it's the only food I can trust. The urge to skip meals or lie about them is getting smaller, but the thought always remains in the back of my mind.

⋅ My weight: I'm at a weight that is still considered healthy according to whoever feels qualified to judge. However, I fear gaining weight every single day, which stops me from eating my weekly allowance. Despite eating more than at the start of this: I still lose weight. The weight loss fuels the bad habits once more, but I try to tell myself that my weight is only to indicate whether I'm close to my maintenance calories or not.

⋅ My body: my body kept most of its side effects inside until I started to recover aside from the ones that I've stated before. Yesterday was the first day that I didn't feel cold despite wearing a shirt only, so that was a win for my body. However, I do have constant headaches, get blackouts often and, I easily feel my energy draining whenever I do a little bit too much (which I didn't always feel when I was actively doing it). That being said, my abilities have definitely decreased: you can read what kind of exercise I do in the next paragraph, but it has decreased a lot because I will feel weak sooner than before.

⋅ Exercise: I am between struggling and not struggling with it. The reason why I started to exercise was to burn more calories than I ate. But back then, I had no knowledge of BMR and whatnot. These days I do a lot less impactful exercise than I did before, but I still exercise each day: I do 96 minutes of stationary cycling a day, go on daily walks and have the obsession to take steps whenever I'm standing still. As you might be able to tell, I feel like I'm on the line of having control here.

⋅ My personality/social life/hobbies: even though I was in denial about my changing personality for a long while, I eventually realised that people were right when they said I changed. The realisation came during recovery, mostly because I noticed how I was in a better mood than when I was at my lowest point. My social life is building up slowly and doesn't always include me having to talk about my weight loss or food, though people always mention it so, I do always end up having to talk about it without wanting to. As for hobbies, I found my interest in kpop and writing again but, it's still at a somewhat moderate level. I still find myself lurking at food-related posts or triggering things, but I can control myself better and watch some positive videos instead. Aside from that, I journal every day: I write down what I ate, my physical activity, what I saw as memorable in my day, and more.

𝐞𝐧𝐝 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞

That's pretty much all for the life update. I still left out a lot that I failed to remember while writing or felt too tired to write about, and I bet not a lot of you are interested in any of this anyway. I just felt like I owed everyone an explanation of where I've been and why I haven't been reblogging much or writing.

As I've stated a few times before, I don't know yet when I will get back into writing or posting content. And the past months made me realise that it might be good for myself if I take some time away from Tumblr: I won't be able to look for triggering content, won't be able to trigger anyone else on accident and can focus on working towards my goals.

I hate the word hiatus but I think this means that I will be going on semi-hiatus. On good days, I might still come here to talk to my mutuals or reblog some kpop content that I enjoy. But other times, I probably won't respond or interact much as I'm logged out.

For now, my semi-hiatus will continue until mid to end September. This might be shortened or extended depending on my progress and my personal needs.

Have a lovely day, moonflowers! 💌

[airaaachaaan]

CHAPTER 1

I'm always having a hard time making friends. Not because of me being picky with them. I've always been thinking about my flaws, and I can say that I'm very low tempered. It's not that everyday you'll see, or pass by someone weird, right? I have a visual disability, right eye closed, And surely, if you'll pass by me, at the road, at school, or everywhere. You'll probably look at me, look away, then look again. I know many people do that, a quick glance, or, sometimes they overlook, and it kinda creeps me out. It's not that I don't really have friends, Ofcourse I have some. I can say that I'm the cheerful one, the extrovert, approachable, so I can easily have friends. I also play volleyball, so I became a part of the school's volleyball team. My name's Ayaka. Matsumoto Ayaka. 【松本彩花】My name means, colorful flower. I think it really suits me.

I've been on the volleyball team for so long, 5 years to be exact. Being around in a big group of people is quite fun, you'll get to share your thoughts to many people, and if you're talking, its kinda overwhelming to get everyone to listen to you! But to be honest, I still don't know who to trust with these guys. It sucks. I always have a feeling like, "Do they talk about me when I'm not with them?" "Are my jokes really that funny?" "Do they like me? Or they just do that because we're teammates?" I overthink a lot but, hey! It really does make sense, right?

I never really planned on joining Volleyball, I mean, it was never been my dream when I was a kid. But when the school directress saw me, she signed me up. So through the years of playing, I'm kinda getting in the hang of it, kinda intense, an absolute torture to your body, but it's fun! Specially when we have tournaments. We have this Regional Tournament yearly, it's my favorite league by the way. We got to train everyday, instead of just every other day. And we get to go to other places and stay there for a month! Ya'know, get to know your teammates more, and even get to be with the boys' team! (Internal screaming) The boys' team are from the other campus. There was a guy that I like, ofcourse. His name is Kousuke. Ishikawa Kousuke. 【石川康介】 He's not really that cute, I mean, he's not the kind of guy that will catch your attention but, guess what? He got mine!

February 2017:

It was a hot afternoon at the place we're staying, a school at a province, few stores, less highways. I was watching Anime at one corner that time, I got lazy to get my earphones at my luggage so I just boosted up the volume of my phone. I was already in the climax of the thing that I was watching, when I suddenly felt, breathing by my left ear. It was Kousuke. He was watching too! I really don't know how to respond with that, I was internally screaming, I was shaking and I didn't get to catch up with the best part of the series! Well, actually maybe the best part was, his face being that near to my face. He continued watching, then he left, and at last I got to breathe! (Sigh) But he came back with his own chair, placed beside me and we finished the show together. I didn't really know where to look? I really wanted to take a glance at his face but it's kinda awkward, right? My arms turned quite numb trying to place my phone where he can see it clearly, until that thing that we're watching, ended. And ofcourse here's the awkward part, getting up into a conversation with your crush.

"That anime is always a cliffhanger."

He said with a disappointed look on his face.

"O-Oh--yep, I t-totally agree haha"

I ended up stuttering, with a nervous laugh.

"Say, do you still have more Anime saved on your phone?"

He said while trying to peek at my phone screen. He grabbed my phone from my hand and he saw the design of multiple anime characters at the back of my phone.

"I didn't know you also liked that series eh.."

"O-Ofcourse! We just met!"

I answered him with a squint on my face.

"Well yeah, you can't put all your favorite characters on the back of your phone 'cause you'll prolly be blocking your camera lense... Haha."

So that's where the conversation started. I didn't know we actually have the same vibe! Well, I thought he's a shy type, he's always have this mysterious aura, or he always has this serious face. It's like we've been friends already for a very long time. The whole month of our stay at that school, it's always been me and Kousuke chilling, talking about nonsense things, and ofcourse, watching anime. We've been buddies the whole month. I was already expecting that my teammates would tease me, and yes, ofcourse they did. I was so scared that he might know that I liked him, I mean, I guess he already knew, but he never told me about it.

It was the last day of the month, we both brought home the bacon. Both teams, boys and girls. Ofcourse it was a very blissful moment for us, I had a good game, and I'll be seeing my mom again, but quite sad too. Like, who wouldn't be missing these guys if you've been with them for one whole month? And ofcourse, I'll be missing Kousuke. I hope we'd still be talking at our social media accounts. And also, we already exchanged numbers and emails! I hope he message me soon!

I just arrived at home, fixed my stuff, took a shower, then went to bed. I was scrolling at my gallery, just staring at all of our pictures, including the picture of me and Kousuke. Then suddenly, my phone vibrates. It was Kousuke. I didn't really expect him to message me!

-"Matsumoto-san, I hope you went home safe! I just got home and I was so tired so I thought I should message you before I go to sleep. I had a fun time with you! See you at our training!"

I was so surprised! I actually don't know how to reply him. My hands were shaking, I was so startled!

"Ah! Ishikawa-san! Glad that you messaged me!"

"No!"

"I mean"

"I'm glad that you got home safe!"

"I had so much fun with you too!! See you soon!"

"Ahhh-- what am I doing? "Glad that you messaged me!"?! What was that?! How did I even mess up with this? So stupid." I said to myself while banging my head at my pillow.

"Haha. It looks like you don't have anyone to talk to usually, huh."

"Ah, yes! That's why I'm glad you messaged me. Hehe."

Our conversation was until 11pm and I didn't even noticed. So did Kousuke. I think. Is he already sleepy? Should I tell him that I need to sleep even if I still don't want to? Ah, this sucks.

"Matsumoto-san, I planned to sleep once I got home but here I am, talking to you. Haha."

"Oh, I actually thought of the same thing haha."

See? I screwed up! Maybe I was telling to much stories, I didn't even noticed that he wanted to sleep! How dumb.

"I'm sorry, Ishikawa-san! We should sleep now! Sorry for bothering you!"

"No, it's okay! We could talk tomorrow! I'm just really tired, it's not that you bothered me. I enjoyed talking to you tho, don't worry."

"Goodnight, Matsumoto-san."

"Okay! Goodnight!"

I turned off my phone, I couldn't help but scream at my pillow! This has been one of the greatest year for me!

-END OF CHAPTER I-

[pbandjesse]

I can't believe that I was in New Jersey with James yesterday. It feels like it was a week ago. I'm laying in another hotel room but by myself this time. I'm exhausted. And while it's only 9 here it is midnight back home. And I've been awake since 4:30 this morning. So I'm really going to try to go to sleep soon.

I went to bed at like 8:30 last night. Or at least soon after 8:30. I was certain this morning was going to be terrible. But going to bed so early actually help me out and when my alarm went off I felt fine. I got up and got dressed. I texted James. I fed sweet pea and made sure all the dishes were put away. I took the recycling out. And then James was there. I said goodbye to Sweet Pea. And we headed to the airport.

James and not going to bed at all. He had gone straight from our trip to home to eat and then right to work. They had some Ghost Hunters on board constellation. And they interviewed him with my ghost story from sting I saw on the birth stack. So that's pretty cool. But he was kind of exhausted. He felt okay enough Drive but I really don't like when people drive when they're tired. But I was still very grateful and thankful for him taking me to the airport so early in the morning.

We got there about 5:30. In line for TSA was surprisingly long. But I made it through. I had to get patted down because my jumper had a knot on the side of it that's at the machine off. But then I texted James that we were all good and he went home to go to sleep.

I looked out that the McDonald's is right across from my gate. So I got breakfast and tried not to get a nervous stomach. I had until 6:45 when we were boring. I ran to the bathroom and wash my hands and tried to mentally prepare myself for a 6-hour flight. It's the longest flight I've ever taken. So I was a little bit nervous. And like the TSA is fine and the actual flying is fine. The worst part of felt air travel to me is the few minutes between first boarding and waiting to get in your seat. For some reason that makes me so stressed out. I just want to be in lazy and sitting down with my headphones in and not thinking about anything.

But I got on the plane and my seat was great. Right over the wing-like I like. It's still see the ground but if I didn't want to see the girl I didn't have to go. I had to endure this. The girl next to me was incredibly fidgety but then when they close the door there was an open seat near her family so she moved. So I had an open seat next to me. The ideal way to fly.

And it was a really good fight. It took us a little bit over half an hour to actually get off the ground. But we make great time. I texted everyone that I love them just in case. And then kind of half those. I have snack. Arrested. I don't think I ever actually fell asleep. I started multiple different podcasts. I couldn't focus on one so it was hard. Actually don't even remember what I ended up listening to. Oh it was a lifetime podcast because it was 4 hours long and I thought that would be my best bet. But I was barely listening.

I played a game on my phone for a lot of the time and look at the window when I could. The sun was on my side of most the entire time so it was reflecting off the wing pretty badly. But I got to see mountains in the desert. It was just really cool.

I was really happy to not be in the plane anymore though. Home time it was 2 pm. In California it was 11 a.m. Well actually it was about 10:45 when we landed and my driver who was scheduled for an app all of a sudden was coming a half an hour early. Because my plane landed 15 minutes early. It was very confusing. Especially because wall we landed we didn't get off the plane for almost 15 minutes. So then I was very stressed out. And that went to me ending up leaving at the wrong terminal. And then my poor driver had to try to find me. He was a really sweet guy though. You're younger than me. We talked for the entire 40 minute drive from Los Angeles to Thousand Oaks. He's a nice guy. And it was nice being able to talk to someone for that long about paranormal stuff and other nonsense.

I was really happy to be a busy Hotel though I was starving and gross. Find that long was hard. My flight back is not that bad. I got to stop over with an hour break in the middle. But I checked in and they were very apologetic because they were all out of king size beds and so they had to give me to Queens. I'm one person. Why do I need to Queens. But that's fine. Maybe I'll sleep in that bed tomorrow. Get use out of both of them.

Once again packed I headed out again. I caught a car and I headed up to a local barbecue place. It was like $3.50 left. I have never ever experienced a car ride that cheap. And it would be the only lift I took today. Because I decided to walk everywhere.

I ate so much food. I got a burger and fries and salad and bread. And I saved some of the bread. Hey I didn't eat everything. But I felt much better. And then I left there and walked over to the Antique store. I picked up barbecue place because it was in the same shopping center as the antique store I went to the last time I was here in 2017. And it was just as good. I ended up getting a stone bracelet that is locally found courts. But mostly had a good time just kind of taking pictures of my clock Furby I brought, Otto, and looking around. It was nice.

I went to a couple other shops in that shopping center. Including the other antique store. And then I decided to walk. For a really long time. Almost 2 miles. I was specifically looking for an antique store thing. It turned out to be more of a consignment shop when I finally did find it. But before that I found some really cool shops and adorable Bakery. Where I bought the prettiest little cheesecake. Which I saved until about an hour ago. I was shocked that it survived my backpack all day. But it was still really really good.

I found a tiny Goodwill bookstore and I got a milkshake. I enjoy being outside. I saw a cactus . Just growing on the side of the road. And the weather was beautiful. And I'm just having a great time. I was tired but walking was nice. Ended up finding these like Spiral shells and the dirt. So I can collect a bunch of those as I was walking. And then listen to the Adventure Zone podcast and enjoy the weather. Because it was beautiful outside. I'm a little sad that I'm going to be missing 7 in of snow in Baltimore tomorrow. But they did preemptively close the schools so I'm not missing as much work as originally thought. And I am a little sad that I'm alone out here. Like I like my own company don't get me wrong. But I miss James. Or Jess. This trip would have been nice to have with someone else. But it's okay. I'm still having a really nice time.

I started my truck back to the hotel. I stopped at this little Park where they change the kind of cement runoff River into a more natural environment. And I sat and watched the nature for a while. I saw a little bunny. But then I was starting to get cold. In my headphones were dying. I plug those in for a while in my backpack and walked around. Just enjoyed looking at the mountains and feeling the Sun.

I got about a half mile away from the hotel and I had to take a break. I sat down on the side of the road. It was a safe spot. And I just kind of played on my phone for a few minutes. This usually brought or not my normal travel shoes. I accidentally sent those back home to my parents house and so I kind of had to make a game-day decision and we're untested she is. And I got a little blister on my heel and on the side of my foot. So I'm a little frustrated about that. But it's okay.

I made it back to the hotel in one piece. Tired and sore. But one piece. I cleaned up and just kind of laid down for a while. I didn't actually fall asleep but it was nice being horizontal. Eventually I got up and went down to the bar to grab a fork for my cheesecake. I was going to get a soda too but I decided I really should not have any caffeine. And I should just get some sleep. But it took I really nice bath. I do the face mask. And now I'm just in bed. I think I'm going to do some yoga try to stretch it out a little bit. And then I'm going to try to get some sleep.

Tomorrow is the big day. My plan is to wake up early and have breakfast at the restaurant here at the hotel. Then I would like to go up to the closest state park. And walk around a bit. Then at 11 I have to head up to the campus to do the talk thing that I'm here for. That's until about 1 and then I'm going to take a car and go to the art museum. I was originally going to do that today but then I remembered the reason I had set the schedule to do the art museum tomorrow is because it's closed on Tuesdays. That's fine. I had a great day with what I ended up doing.

I'm excited to see the art museum and then there's a Goodwill up there as well. And just kind of them all. So I'm going to just kind of wander around and enjoy myself. I may be having dinner with someone from vibrant lives so that would be cool. But that's really my whole plan for tomorrow. Just kind of enjoy the nice weather before I go back to very cold Baltimore. I'm praying now I think I'm just going to get some stretching in and then some sleep.

I hope you're all having a great night. I know this post is later than normal because of the time difference. But I hope you're all well. Sleep well everyone be safe.