#i didnt used to be like that dude ive never had an issue w focusing on stuff | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

doebt · 4 years

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ik why i stay up so late like this man its bc i just want to feel something SO bad. so i will stay up reading or whatever except its not even really reading its just skimming random stuff on ao3 to see if anything hits me in my feelings hard enough for it to matter. and it turns into this thing of me looking up progressively more messed up stuff until i can find something dark enough to make me feel anyhting and even THEN theres usually like nothing. and if i DO find something that makes me feel something then i get so worked up about it i have to keep looking for more bc im like addicted to feeling emotions

#this is what i mean when i say i replaced self harm w other slightly less unhealthy stuff lol i just. like. this is just what i do now #a yr ago i could just have a little breakdown or whatever and fall asleep immediately bc its like drugs #but now i stay up so freaking late bc i feel #like a balloon. or something #and like YEAH reading extremely specific angst is better than you know. INFLICTING LIKE ACTUAL PHYSICAL DAMAGE ON MINE SELF. SURE #like. DUH. yeah. duh. it is #like...thats better #right. but i hate this honoestly way more #well maybe not bc this is a lot easier to deal with. no mess #but omg. like omg. like what am i supposed to do. yall know wtf i mean. like what am i supposed to do #i cant go outside and honestly nothing anyone says to me on the internet ever touches me where it matters. theres always #a degree of separation...i mean theres always a screen. you know. like nothing i READ in a message box will ever be #half as impactful as hearing it out loud...you know. how am i supposed to feel ANYTHING #besides from watching freaking movies and shows and reading stuff. and now that im off my freaking meds i dont even #have the attention span to read or watch stuff without multitasking #i didnt used to be like that dude ive never had an issue w focusing on stuff #it literally feels like im addicting to feeling emotions bc i feel ONE emotion nomatter what it is and its like #idk what its like. i cant describe it

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