#i do hope they're seeking therapy tbh

[rozeliyawashereyall]

Guys I'm back (not really)!!! I missed you all so much and- oh wow I missed too much, huh.

I'll start with saying that I'm doing okay now! My mental health has improved a lot and I'm very proud of myself :) however! I'm still on break, I just came here to address a few things.

Now to what's happening in the bug army—and lemme just say jeez. I did not expect to come back to drama, especially with how small this sub fandom is.

English isn't my best language so hopefully I'm not being rude saying these-

Most of my information came from @audioroleplayconfessions and a few friends of mine

-Now~ about the discord server. A lot has happened and I won't be getting into too much detail about it. One or two of our members weren't in the best place and sought out help from me and a few others, they're both okay now and are getting proper help ^^

None of us are exactly okay in the head in the army, I don't mean "insane" I mean "just need a safe environment to vent". And that's exactly why the discord was made! But unfortunately it went past an after school comfort club and more of a therapy session.

Thankfully! Me and the mods are being especially stricter on the rules and are actively enforcing them better!

This is still our first time making a server so of course we aren't the best at it, but we're all trying! I do hope that anon can feel safe there again.

that's all I'll say about it, so let's close this topic already.

-The favoritism! Now sure what to say on this one tbh, just that no one owes you anything! If you're so insecure that you have to seek validation from strangers online—and having panic attacks that you aren't being noticed, maybe the problem is with you. Most of our amazing artists that get slightly more recognition is because they're one of the first batch of bugs to appear in this fandom!

It honestly just feels like you're putting the creators on a special pedestal, above everyone—while they're all very talented and incredible people, they're still human. Just like you, just like me. They try to interact with everyone they can and it's clear every person helping with the gator boys series is trying their damn best.

I genuinely do hope you're doing okay now though :(

I'm always here to help and support you if you need it! But now, it's best if you take some time off to focus on yourself! Take a mental health break, it'll do wonders to you, I would know! I'm taking one now ^^

-that one anon ask that was very clearly about me but they didn't say it.

I'm not too fussed up about it, just a little sad I made someone feel that way

I'm not sure what I did that gave you the impression of "annoying" and "pretentious" of me, but I'm really sorry that I did anyways. I do hope you'll still consider joining our little army, and so we too can be friends! I'm sure you're a great person!

Do know I'll always greet you and new members with open arms! <3

Oh and thank you so much to the people in the reblogs that defended me—giving you all the biggest digital hug ever

-and lastly~ I really, really hope none of us gave you a bad impression of us or the VAs! Everyone here is a wonderful person! From talented to kind to fun! Gator boys is an awesome series and we all just wanted to create a small group to fangirl and boy about it X3 I'll admit things have gotten a bit too far, but me and the founders are trying our best to keep everything under control.

Now, I'm not too good with words—but, I'm very sorry about everything that happened these few days, but I promise everything will be okay from now on! We'll all make sure of it!

Gonna be putting this post in my pinned for a week just in case-

[highlordofkrypton]

Re: romantic affection

@peoplesidk, I'm gonna reply to your question here instead of reblogging bc I prefer just having mutuals see. This got long, I'm so sorry, you don't have to read the whole things.

I don't mind expanding on my second point, I'm not sure if it's relatable because it's 100% my personal issues that I am working through slowly but surely. I just hope that if anyone sees this (since it's public, and esp if they're not my mutuals!), they have the empathy to understand that it's not a debate, it's personal, if you know what I mean. BUT if it does help someone, then this is why I'm reblogging!!

tw: trauma dump? kind of?

So, I was raised in an environment that I didn't even know was considered "abusive" and or "neglectful" until much later in life when I found out I was depressed and sought help at school w/ their free therapy. Also, I still don't think it was that abusive or neglectful, some of it was just two people doing the best they can with the tools they had in an unfamiliar place.

Context:

I have no siblings, I am the eldest child born in a 'first world country' to the 'eldest child' of my mother's family (and my father was the first of his family to come here as well). Both of them achieved amazing things in helping their numerous siblings get a better life, etc. That said, not only was I parentified (bc they did not speak the main language here well enough to understand any official documents) as a child, but I was held to a standard that I needed to lead the cohort, achieve more and do it alone.

My parents raised me from a young age telling me 'you are alone, you have no siblings, we will not be around to help you' in the sense that anything can happen. Plus, they were generally absent, working multiple jobs to make ends meet and I was... alone. Most of my childhood memories is being alone, tbh.

Add in the fact that I think my mother was bullied most of her life, and took that out on me (and still does, but eh, I can take care of myself I don't listen anymore). It kind of fucked up the way my brain works.

I have certain beliefs about myself that are very contradictory to the way I move in the world.

I'm a shitty and nasty person vs. many people in my life, and even people I cross on a day to day basis, think I'm genuinely wonderful, positive and appreciate having me around. I do go out of my way to be kind, but I don't feel kind.

I'm fat, ugly, disgusting vs. literally nobody I know thinks that, and many of my close friends think I'm super in shape, I'm just not leaned out (think curvy and strong)

I cannot trust anyone to take care of me vs. I'm allowed to pause and not have to manage everything -- I only learned this year that I can ask my girlfriends to plan brunch, it doesn't have to be me all the time.

I have not earned the right to be loved (and the counter of 'merit of love' is reset with each interaction) vs. I don't have to do anything to be worthy of affection, I can just ... exist?

On the same point, I do not know how to exist in a way that isn't fearing that anyone in my life can turn on me at any moment, so I have learned not to bother being vulnerable + being vulnerable makes me a burden. I am not accomplishing my task of exceeding, accomplishing, leading the way.

(Also, my first and last relationship was super traumatic, so I don't think love is real at this point.)

THAT SAID, sorry for the long trauma dump, there's a point, I swear. In the examples above, you'll see that my negative and toxic thoughts are invalidated by the wonderful people in my life. I'm not relying on them to 'fix me' or combat my toxic thought processes, but ever since I moved out (and I work from home), I'm alone more often than not. I don't want to always rely on my friends to have to reset my brain.

I am told I do fantastic things, but I do not believe it. I am programmed to exceed, or perform well enough in a lot of things I do, but I seek validation, so it comes off as me begging for attention when 'I already know I'm good'. So, I can't help but wonder if a part of me longing for anyone who is kind, and who's interests align with mine, is just me kind of... wanting that 'peace of mind' because someone does love me enough to want to spend a lot of time with me.

I just think it'd be really nice to feel like someone cares enough about me (as a person and not the things I can do for them), but I don't think that's romantic attraction at all. It's just one soul yearning not to be lonely? Do I even have the capacity anymore to let someone in like that? Who knows.

UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, MIGHT DELETE THIS LATER I'M KIND OF EMBARASSED NOW

[sansaorgana]

Hi...so I just wanted to say that I never thought I'd find myself OBSESSED with Feyd Rautha fanfic. Like, I found thrown to the wolves by chance while scrolling and was like "there's no way this is real" and then I read it cause why not...

....and now you could say I love him? And you're the one to blame? I've even looked into more fanfics about him but personally, none of them are as good as yours. There's something about the feuding families trope and the way you're handling the readers survival strategy and her relationship with egg head that I FUCKING LOVE I SWEAR TO GOD YOUR HONOR I LOVE THEM SO MUCH

So yeah,I hope these two get a happy ending, or as happy as you can except on this universe.

Personally, I'm dying to know what's gonna happen with Feyd's lovers, and how reader is gonna handle the news of her dad dying and potentially her brother too

Are we ever going to see her previous handmaids again? I hope they're OK but I know they probably aren't.

Seriously dude, I'm dying with the dynamics between reader and Feyd!!!

Thank you for taking the time to share the story with us!!

Also, this was me when Feyd woke her up to tell her he was leaving:

Bro, he's starting to care AAAAAAAAHHH

hello! 😇

lmao I chuckled while I imagined you scrolling through your dash and seeing someone simping over Feyd-Rautha and being like ARE THEY INSANE 😂 one friend in real life I showed him to said that she is surprised people can crush on a character like that and tbh maybe I'm weird but I love crushing on characters that make other people scared/disgusted that I crush on them 🤣 my mum disappointed me, though, because I expected her to tell me to seek therapy and she admitted he is hot instead 😳 (probably because he's got that skinhead vibe lmao)

if I really am the one to blame that you love him, then all I can say is SORRY NOT SORRY 😁🤭

I am very happy that you enjoy my story so much, it means a lot 😭💐 although I would argue if my fic is "the best" because I think the fandom is full of amazing and talented writers and I enjoyed a lot of Feyd fics myself (I'm trying to check the tag regularly) 😌

it is no secret I do prefer happy endings. not in a way "everybody lives" but in a way where my main character is somehow happy in the end in one way or another. because real life is tragic and painful enough…

I don't want to spoil too much… especially that the next chapter will be posted tomorrow 👀

thank you once again, love! receiving messages/comments/reblogs like this… that's what motivates me to keep going with the story 🤗

[in-sistant]

Proshipper in your ask box can go kick rocks tbh because:

1.) Hi!! I was groomed into thinking proshipper stuff was okay BY proshippers and that led to me being repeatedly groomed and sexually abused by people in and out of the community for years on end. Just because YOU (proshipper) or people YOU KNOW aren't groomers doesn't mean your community isn't slap fucking full of them and a safe haven for them at that.

2.) I didn't even see you use the phrase 'degenerate freak'?? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I searched your blog for it, and the only thing that came up was your response to their ask. It's WILD to try to point out ableism while using a term like 'degenerate', which is incredibly ableist itself.

3.) If you are legitimately attracted to children, fictional or otherwise: You DO need help. I'm not going to sit here and act like every single proshippper has a paraphilic disorder or even that everybody with paraphilic disorders are like terrible monsters or something. Those thoughts cannot be controlled, but what matters is what you do about them. Help is real and available and therapy specifically for these things exists for a reason. I wish it was more accessible, but for the love of god, look into your options and stop acting like your community doesn't harbor people who have and continue to hurt children.

Agreed! Ty for your inclusion

And no, I didn't use that phrase, I do my best to not insult people in situations like that. I started it with "Hey, these people need serious mental help, this is also a contributing factor to this awful mindset and here's how you can help prevent it.."

At the end of the day I think proshippers know what they're doing is wrong but an aspect of them refuses to admit that and refuses to admit that there's something wrong with them, so they just double down, stop at nothing, and only interact with communities who enable their behavior.

I personally hate any demonization of any mental disorder, especially when people are trying to get help. I hate when people say folks with BPD are violent, I hate when people use the medical term "Narcissist" as a bastardization for "extremely selfish and mean", I hate when people say shit to Bipolar people like "You're so bipolar, you must be a gemini.".. You can have a problem with a PERSON with the disorder, they're an individual person, you can't demonize people who know they need help and actively seek it. Once that person acts on a bad impulse, you can hate that PERSON.

Some people have excuses, some people physically cannot control the things they do and feel, and some disorders just make it significantly harder for people to try, HOWEVER, you should immediately know that being attracted to ANY kind of minor is wrong, you should know wanting an abusive relationship is wrong, you should know incest is wrong, those are things deeply ingrained into you from childhood and it would take someone truly despicable to teach you otherwise. So at the end of the day, you either acted on impulses you knew were wrong, or you need mental help for these urges and for the trauma you endured to bring you to these urges. So neither behavior is an excuse, you know and you have control.

And I genuinely hope that proshippers get the help they need, because their community is harmful, their mindset is harmful, and I don't think anyone is born evil. Something happened that caused them to do this and we need them to realize that before they take a bigger leap or get convicted of what they've already done. Bc they CAN get convicted even just from a drawing, and their mental health is going to get a LOT worse if they do.

[rodolfoparras]

Hiii I'm still alive!!

I'm in the mental hospital, it's better than expected. I'm on meds, got therapy, started baking again, recently watched football ( Tbh football is sometimes so gay and while watching I was giggling the whole time) and most important I made friends!! There's one weird staff that keeps misgendering me, but we rarely meet so I'm fine ig

Hope you're doing well, I can't talk that much we have restricted time on our phones. It sounds stupid for adults but actually helps. Anyways here's a bunch of cat videos because I'm going to be gone for a while

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C8ciBBLOylM/?igsh=b2VvZHdtODF6aXMx

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C5MVUPgtUZM/?igsh=MTZodjc4MTB5M2hocA==

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C7HkE6QIYs7/?igsh=MWs0Y2t5dm42YXlhNw==

https://www.instagram.com/p/C7UdgQBK_qC/?igsh=MWR0a2R2NGw0Mnl1Nw==

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C6Vnzstr2a5/?igsh=Yms1djBmZHdqb3I4

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C5NJ2CjpuLJ/?igsh=YzJwNm95Mzl0cTNu

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C7cCKqNoVUI/?igsh=NnQ5MnQybXM0cXNv

(yes they're all from Instagram, I deleted Tiktok for my own sake)

Luv you guys, stay safe

-😼

Oh sugar bee I’m so glad to hear from you!!! I’ve been wondering how you’ve been and I’m glad you’ve been good!! I hope things continue that way genuinely wishing you the utmost best!!

People genuinely don’t understand how much a little hobby can help when things suck around you and I’m glad you found your way to baking again!! Genuinely I’m alway impressed with people who know how to bake because I find anything involving dough really difficult 😔 but I agree with you football is gay!!! Actually a lot of sports are weirdly intimate for being popular among straight men😭 also I’m glad you made some friends sugar bee!!!!!!! Genuinely my heart is full for you and i hope things continue to go well!!!!! MWAH MWAH I adore you!! Unfortunately there’s always one shitty person around but I’m glad you don’t have to deal with that staff member a lot!

Also it doesn’t sound stupid sugar it sounds very reasonable and I’m glad you’re seeking the positive effects of it!!!! And thank you sm for the endless links sugar bee you are such a sweetheart please:( I ADORE YOU TAKE CARE!!

[capricioussun]

ooooh can we hear about your toriels? maybe from sweetswap and loveswap?

Hi!! Of course I'd love to ty 4 asking <333

I'm a big swap!Toriel apologist and which is soo hypocritical of me bc of how much I bully Asgore lmao but!! Sweetswap and Loveswap Toriel are so great.

So sweetswap kind of parallels Heartfell in the theme of "everything may not be as it seems". Aesthetically, it's all about pastels and cuteness and, well, sweetness! Everyone is extra friendly and kind natured, but the thing is...they're basically ignoring what they're really doing to break the barrier (and the war that will follow). SS Toriel is actually a bit more in line with UT Asgore's line of thinking than I usually characterize US Toriel, in that...she feels trapped in this decision she's made, she hates doing this, but she still believes it's the only way to save her people.

I won't get into it, but she doesn't tell the kids who reach her the truth. She tries to make it as painless as possible, at least, but she's really a very sad, lonely person. She isolates herself in her castle whenever she's not making her Obligatory Morale-Boosting trips to the various towns of the underground. Clover has mixed feelings about it all, but he and SS Alphys have both tried helping her out some, yet the guilt weighs in her too heavily.

After surfacing, at first, she continues attempting to isolate while taking responsibility for her people, but with a lot of time (and therapy), she winds up having healthier relationships with everyone again. It's actually Dandelion (SS Asgore) who really gets through to her and initiates the biggest internal changes. She's not helping anyone by hating herself so much.

LS Toriel below the cut bc this got so long whoops!

As for LS Toriel, wow!! She's a crazy lady. She's actually a little like Rose from Steven Universe, if Rose seemed to act more "mature" and level headed. Well, and more intense. Things in their underground are rough, tbh, instead of pitting all their hopes on the souls and the war, Toriel kind of...dives headlong into the idea that, in the meantime at least, they could make the underground a nice place to live, after all, monsters depend on hope and love, which comes from building strong relationships, right? On paper, it's a great idea! Let's make this dumpster fire as much of an Eden as we can, right?

Well, the thing is, monsters tend to *latch onto ideas. So over time, this gradually became more and more distorted, leading to an over emphasis on relationships and love and depending on others above everything else. The more people love you the better! They'll do almost anything to seek approval and popularity amongst each other, and Toriel, unfortunately, leans heavily into this pattern of thinking as a very mutated coping mechanism for all the issues she's repressing. Love and acceptance and adoration are above anything else, and she tries desperately to be a ruler worthy of that, from everyone. She even goes as far as working with both Undyne and Alphys to hide statistic of who's Fallen, which puts even more pressure on Undyne to find a way to save them.

Under the thin veneer of Aesthetics and Ideals, the underground is rotting. Things aren't nearly as bad as Lovefell, for example, but they're not great! And Toriel has fooled even herself into buying the delusion.

On the surface, she still struggles for a long time, as she has to face decades, if not centuries of repressed trauma while slowly discarding bad coping mechanisms. Especially given everyone has hard feelings with her, so she has to start in a place with very little support. It's grueling work, but she puts it in. Not to make up for what she's done, but to help monsters make a better future and be the kind of person she should've been a long time ago.

[thornsent]

different anon, i hope that things improve for you + i'm sorry you were treated that way. based on their past behaviour, i'm believe they're at least someone who is seeks attention, whether that means acting with veracity or not. at worst. well. that being said i agree with the other anon, i can't see this ending well for you. they have a large following that neither of you can control, + having to engage w this constantly w people who will never believe you can't be productive. please take care

yeah, I'm going to try and take as much distance as I can between me & this. this will be the last anon on the subject I answer on my main because I want this blog to remain a relatively safe space for my weird ass. I've faced really bad shit online (spent my time having a page on the farms, if you know what I mean then you Know the horrors I have faced) and so even though I do not want this to be a thing I'm more prepared than I've been in the past to handle it.

they definitely are attention-seeking and when someone is attention seeking that usually means they do need attention of some kind because they're hurting in some way. I know I've said I'm done being understanding and nice about him but it's still hard for me to look past people's humanity even when they have hurt me badly tbh. like I've said before he really does need therapy and medication, he's not a fundamentally bad human being, but I will never in a million years believe he's going to therapy and taking meds if he says so himself given the lies he told me.

[raytorosaurus]

who the fuck is ode2 I can't find their blog????

lol honestly don't wanna give them any more attention than they used to get so i'm not gonna link their blog but they were an extremely extremely disrespectful and invasive tinhatter who would openly speculate about things including but not limited to gerard's struggles with addiction, parenting style, marital relationship etc, based on evidence of absolutely nothing (besides their ~special connection~ with frank) to push the narrative that gerard has been stringing frank along in some kind of sick abusive sexual relationship for years and years while lynz is also abusing gerard and controlling his every move and sapping his personality and also cyberbullying frank on instagram stories LMAO. seems like they got their entire worldview shattered when mcr returned and confirmed that, shock horror, they are in fact friends who enjoy spending time with each other, because they've stopped posting theories so much on their blog and wrote a pinned message that includes the point "YES grown adults act like teenage girls on social media," said entirely seriously and unironically. they're kind of like the example of that one breed of frerardie who claims to love frank but seems to ignore his actual personality in favour of treating him like a poor uwu abused baby who's never stood up for anything once in his life and treats gerard like an idol rather than a friend, but magnified by a million and even more disconnected from reality. genuinely a really sad blog filled with a lot of hate and im glad they've stepped back from spending every day posting about their theories

[saintobio]

Hi! I decided to sign in this time. I hope you're taking care, staying hydrated and rested! I re-read SN and it was quite the journey! I have to say I'm a bit annoyed at everyone annoyed at Y/N right now. I know that what she did was selfish but did they forget about Gojou's emotional abuse? His neglect? His infidelity? The fainting spells, angina attacks and low self-esteem it caused? I really respect his redemption arc but it took a lot to get there. 1/2

Also, you're such an amazing writer, I'm still in awe! I wanted to profess that I'm still staunchly tojixy/n. I think that people have multiple soulmates, and I love their banter and the way they're alike in their selflessness and kindness. Either way I know you'll make a beautiful story. I'm excited for the tojixy/n scenes even if they don't end up together. My theory is that she'll cancel the wedding, get back with Satoru and decide they're better off as friends, and then get with Toji instead

I'm sorry for spamming you cuz character limit. I just had a few qs: what does Gen think about Y/N marrying Toji since she doesn't like Satoru now? Do people care about their age difference since he's a decade older? Do you think Gojo's love for Y/N developed because she helped him recover from his trauma? If he'd sought therapy instead, I wonder if things would be different.

gen trusts toji since he and ian go way back, plus she’s mostly ok as long as the man won’t deliberately hurt her sister. no, not many people care about their ten-year age gap since they’re both grown adults.

also, gojo has always loved yn tbh. we know he lost a part of himself after his mom’s abandonment / father’s abuse, but being married with yn made him remember the kind of solace he used to seek from her when they were children — which also ended up reminding him of his affections for her.

thank u for reading !! and yea, well people have varying opinions abt the ending bc i meant for yn to do something drastic that is equal (or much worse) to what she experienced from gojo. it was kind of like her breaking point where she just decided to act rashly and selfishly for once — though it was also something that would haunt her back in the future.

that’s why to me, i’d rather put the blame on both sides rather than blaming one more than the other. but also i’m unbiased bc i’m the writer haha

[dolly-rose]

(2) and she just looked at me and asked me one simple question. How old are your parents? I answered her, not really getting where she was going. She then told me, simply "They're responsible for their own lives, and you're responsible for your own and only your own until the point where you decide you want to have a kid. Then you'll be responsible for the kid as well." I disagreed with her, telling her that my parents drag me into their issues even when I try to stay away and she rebutted me

(3) She just smiled and said something along the lines of “Live your own life. When they see you’re doing your own thing, being happy, living your own life, they’ll start changing as well.” I didn’t trust her, tbh. I felt like I’ve always been there for my parents so they were used to me being there to listen and comfort and whatnot. I had some deeper issues so it took me a while to get on my own two feet where I don’t just jump up to help them whenever they come whining. I just started doing it

(4) And let me tell you, in the beginning it’s so hard. So hard to not just fix their issues when you know you could. But I realised that they can actually ix them, too. I just made them too much used to me being the one to fix them so they got spoiled by me. I fucking managed to spoil my parents, ridiculous, eh? But the more I’ve become independent in the way where I just listen without reacting and letting them deal with it all while I deal with my shit, they actually started getting better.

(5) It took me so damn long, though. So long to finally sever the damn phantom umbilical cord. I know how overwhelmed you must feel with parents who look to you for help, I know you must feel responsible for them in so many ways, but I just want to let you know it’ll get better. You’ll get better. And I say that because, and this was the hardest lesson I had to learn, the only person you can truly change is you. Others change as a reaction to your change, like a tidal wave. Take care of yourself

(6) Love yourself because you’re so damn lovable. And don’t put your life on any kind of pause or slow it down for others, because it will only harm you in the long run. On the other hand, you living your best life at the pace that is comfortable to you will inspire others to do the same. It does sound cheesy, but it’s proven many times to be true. If you need someone to talk to or talk AT, just message me, whenever you feel like it, okay? Be good to yourself!

I thank you kindly for your thoughtful advice, and I hear you completely.  Although it looks like tumblr ate the first part of this ask, I’m pretty sure I got the gist of the situation.  I thank you for sharing, and hope you do not mind that I am responding to this publicly, but I feel the need to make my own response public to see if there is anyone out there with the knowledge and advice that might help me more specifically.  In response:

These are strategies I’ve tried to reassure myself with for years.  But there are logistics to consider that I frankly need help dealing with, and due to a personal lack of finances, I am unable to seek professional help to help me answer these questions.

On my dad’s end, he will eventually learn to stop bringing me into his personal life on this level.  In part he does still emotionally lean on me because I’ve always been the only person that knew how to understand my mother and calm her down.  He discusses this with me to vent and also seek my guidance because we have always needed to respond very carefully as to not escalate the situation.  (On the other hand, he also communicates these issues with me to warn me of what the situation is, because I am always the next person my mother will contact if she is in a foul mood.)  My mother still had a lot of financial control and could put a lot of things at risk intentionally if we did not respond in a desired way.  Consequently, her actions would then affect the entire family, regardless of my involvement.  Losing our home is not something we can afford to go through right now, and this greatest thing at stake from my father’s end, until the divorce is settled.

Now, we have my mother who suffers severely from Borderline Personality Disorder, and is in need of intensive care.  I agree with you, that this shouldn’t be my responsibility.  But here is the reality of the situation; my mother is 60 years old, jobless (she lost 5 jobs in just one year), she is unable to maintain a job due to both mental health issues and physical health issues. She is in thousands of dollars of debt from medical bills, and a couple thousand from credit cards.  Her boyfriend (who seems to have recently left her) was their only source of income, and since he’s only on disability himself, there was never much money around.  She will be filing for bankruptcy this year because there are no other available options.

My mother is still covered under my father’s health insurance because their divorce has not been legalized yet.  However, she only has until the end of March before that health insurance is canceled.  The insurance however is a complete joke because our family is very poor and we cannot afford a lower deductible, so until we spend out $3500 in medical fees (money we do not have), we don’t qualify for much benefits.  To just see a general family doctor, our co-pays are $100 and up.  My mother who has no income other than the money I (had) been supplying her with, cannot afford to go to the doctor.  For over a year now, she has stopped taking all of her anti-depressant medications, mood stabilizers, sleeping aids, etc.  Recently, she has not had the money to pay for her other on-going medications for both hypertension and Diabetes type II.  She’s become very physically ill and her IBS has been affecting her daily life to an extreme.  However, with all of these things in mind, be aware that her doctor denied her his recommendation for disability when we asked.

I did take her to a social worker and we have applied to get her food stamps, cash assistance, and a medical card.  We have not yet heard back to see if she has been accepted for any of these government aids, and because we live in the bankrupt state of Illinois, I am weary of both how long it will take for her receive a response, and what her chances are of qualifying at all since her divorce from my father is not final.  (The divorce which we literally do not have money to afford at the moment.  My dad already had to take out money against his 401k to pay 5 missing house payments so that the bank would not start foreclosure. Which in turn, my mother then stole the money that he intended to use to pay off those bills, and used it to buy crack cocaine for herself.  She’s become an ongoing addict.)

My mother is literally at the point of being evicted from her trailer by her own sister.  Her boyfriend has left her, and he was the one that paid for all the utilities.  Knowing what I know about the health care system, I don’t think she will be quickly approved (if at all) for permanent Social Security Disability because it is rarely passed for people with Mental Illness, and her physical ailments are deemed curable as long as she has the money to afford the medications.  My mother has no other family members but myself and my younger brother.  I’m not at this moment allowing myself to consider the idea of letting her become homeless or forcing her to live in a women’s shelter where her health can only further deteriorate.

I would love to walk away from all of this and reassure myself that my mother will learn to change and that she will eventually be able to take care of herself.  However, at this moment, I know that she is entirely mentally and financially incapable of doing any of those things.  She’s been extremely suicidal and it’s taken every ounce of energy that I have to convince her that these problems are still manageable and there is hope that things will be better.

I love my mother despite all these issues because I understand how severe the disorder is, as I am a victim of it myself.  In a few weeks she will have no other option but to move to another state to live with me, since I am the only family she has that will take her in.  Opening my home to her means opening her to my care, and taking her on as a full-time responsibility.  I still do not have the money to get her the therapy and medical help that she needs; I don’t even have the money to afford it for myself.

I have no idea what to do, but I just cannot with good conscience walk away knowing that she will be left either homeless or to commit suicide.  I do not want these responsibilities, and I do want to live my own life, but it seems like my only way to live is to find a way to accommodate her life first until she is actually capable of doing it herself.  Most unfortunately to all of this is that I have no assistance myself.  I need help finding solutions, but I have no one to ask, and I have no connections to help me get things active.  As I mentioned before, I also suffer from BPD and anxiety, and it’s been extremely difficult for me to find solutions to her problems when I don’t have anyone first helping me to solve my own. 

I am truly and devastatingly in need of help that results in active decision making that will produce tangible results.  I need to be productive and make sure these situations don’t escalate even further than they already have, but I just have absolutely no idea where to go or how to make those changes happen.  I am not just frustrated with the situation, but also with myself, and I am endlessly terrified, but I simply know that doing nothing and walking away for my own benefit will result in consequences that I am not ready to live with. 

If anyone has any advice for what to do in the state of these circumstances, I am willing to learn and find a way to take action ASAP.