#i don’t even bother trying to get close to people irl bc the majority are cis & straight

[c0rpseductor]

kind of sick of other lgbt people acting like Go Out Clubbing Or You’re Basically Straight is at all a mindset that’s not deranged. Sorry would love to meet your arbitrary standards for being gay enough but i can barely walk 👍 don’t think ill be dragging my cane to the club but you guys have fun

[mallowstep]

What are your opinions on forbidden relationships in Warriors? I've seen people label it as a "trope" because of how common this is. Some find the forbidden romance aspect intriguing, though others find it extremely repetitive and old

I'd like to know your thoughts!

hm. well, it is a trope. i mean, there's an average of one major one a series, right? greysilver, leafcrow (and others, but that's the big one), heatherlion (and implied others), tigerdove, idk i don't remember anything from avos but violetshine luv her but there's probably something, bristleroot. dotc doesn't count bc well it's dotc.

anyway.

definitely a trope.

but that's not a bad thing.

what i think people don't give warriors enough credit for is that these are not all the same forbidden romance. most of them are handled in different ways and bring up different conflicts. i understand why people are tired of them, but let's not discredit one of the only good things in warriors romance: that they make forbidden relationships different.

like, with grey and silver, it's about loyalty and responsibility. leafcrow is just bad idea central, both heatherlion and tigerdove are about responsibilities and young cats, and they have two different answers, and bristleroot is challenging the whole idea from the start.

so like. give credit where credit is due: we're not doing the same (forbidden) relationships again and again. i don't see enough people talk about that.

okay so it turns out i have um. a lot of thoughts about this. idk i just kept writing and now it's over 2k words. so you know. under the cut: matthew does half-baked media analysis to talk about why the code and cats' relationships to it are misunderstood. while actually staying on topic.

anyway from here on i'm just going to say relationship/romance, and understand that i'm generally talking about the forbidden kind. also i'm talking exclusively within the realm of warriors romance, which is, on average, bad. so when i say "X is good," i don't mean "X is good in general," i mean "given what we have, X is good." just to be clear.

right! basically, this is a tool. it creates tension and drama, and that's fine. warriors is a soap opera, remember. soap operas use secrets and relationships and all sorts of plot devices over and over again. warriors is not Serious. it can be dark. it has serious moments. but it is not a Serious Book Series for Serious Kids. it is a soap opera for Future Theatre Kids. yeah?

from that perspective, i'm a-ok with forbidden romance. (also, as a mini-aside, it creates some much-needed genetic diversity when kits are involved.) and again: all of the major relationships are different, so i think that's better than a lot of people give it credit for.

yeah, heatherlion and greysilver and tigerdove are all about the same general idea (loyalty and responsibility), but they all have different circumstances and different resolutions.

so like? yeah. sure. why not?

plus, like, who's reading warriors for the romance? i separate the concept of "romance" from a "relationship" here: i like the relationships in warriors (ivy and dove tension my beloved), but i'm not here to read about tigerheart wooing dovewing. (yes, i do love the tigerdove scenes in oots. no, that's not because i think they're very good at being romantic.)

but i digress.

if warriors was a Serious Book Series for Serious Kids, i'd have a different take here. having been in an IRL forbidden relationship, i have the Personal Insight and Experience to say they're this weird mash of "very much how it feels" and "not at all how it feels."

tigerdove is probably my favourite bc it's the closest to my circumstances, and i think dovewing is a good pov. i like how she breaks up with him because it's a bad idea, but that's not the same thing as not feeling for him.

(heh. twelve-year-old me reading oots like "this will never apply to my life" what did you know)

but to the point, if warriors was serious, i'd point out that the consequences always seem to be internal. we haven't seen characters be punished for their actions. and so on.

but warriors is a soap opera.

and here's my actual thesis: we haven't seen characters be punished for their actions, because "forbidden relationships" are a normal and expected part of clan society.

like no, fandom-at-large, you're kind of missing the point. okay, you know how like. people complain about. idk. ivypool and fernsong being distantly related?

(third aside/very long ivyfern rant, i put a nice big "rant over" after it if you want to skip past it: they're third cousins. they share, max, 2.2% of their genetics. they are fine. do you know your third cousins? do you? yeah. and like. they live in a closed society. there is no one new.

i've never seen someone complain about forbidden romance and ivyfern at the same time, and i do generally agree we should have more mystery fathers, altho for a different reason, but like. idk. this bothers me.

their last shared relative was nutmeg. that's so far back. god. i get it, there was a prophecy saying they're related, but if you remember my rant about how dovewing shouldn't be a part of the prophecy because of how distantly related to firestar is, you know how i feel about that already.

complaining they're related and that's a problem is. deep breath here. it requires demonstrating that warriors has kept track of kinship all the way back to firestar's mother. and even if you wave that requirement, you still have to convince me they would care about that. this isn't a "they're cats, harold" situation, this is a "you would not know your third cousin even if you lived in the same town" situation.

i mean maybe you would. some people do. but my hometown has generations of people who married within its borders. you get as far as "cousin," maybe "second cousin" if you're feeling fancy. i'm not trying to make an always true statement, i just. every time i see someone complain about ivyfern being related, it strikes me as not understanding how extended families work?

i know third cousins isn't technically classified as a distant relative, but you have, on average, 190 third cousins. i feel so strongly about this i looked it up.

like i'm not. okay if you say, "I don't ship ivyfern because they are third cousins and that makes me uncomfortable" you are Valid. in general, you are all valid. i do not think you have to, on a personal level, be okay with ivyfern. you are free to do as you wish.

but. if you want to argue "ivyfern is a Bad Ship because they are third cousins" you have a hell of a burden of proof. simply saying "they share a great-great-grandmother" does not meet that, because like. yeah. we're all pretty damn related.)

(ivyfern rant over)

IVYFERN RANT OVER

right so. anyway. if you remove forbidden romance? you're forcing a lot more of those situations.

i've been messing around with modelling some small-scale fan clan-adjacent stuff to double-check the ratios for wbcd, and it's. it quickly becomes a necessity, is what i'm saying.

but i got distracted like. researching how related third cousins are. my point is not about that, that's like. a different topic. that i crammed into here because i have no self-control.

no, no, what i was trying to get to is: oakheart straight up tells us that cats have half-clan kits all the time, it's not a problem, no one talks about it. and that? that is exactly what we see modelled by warriors.

the only reason greystripe and silverstream have a problem is that silverstream dies and greystripe claims the kits. i feel very strongly that if she had lived, the kits would have been born and raised riverclan kits, that might, maybe, one day, guess who their father is.

we haven't had any half clan kits in a while, which yes! i think is a problem, but like. the fact that the three are medicine cat kits seems to be a bigger issue. which feels right.

and i'm not trying to argue what i think should be, i legitimately believe the text of warriors defends this, even in newer books which throw out a lot of the older world building in favour of more human-like conflict.

as readers, we are naturally following protagonists. we are following the interesting story. but imagine you're just a background riverclan cat. minnowtail, if you will. do you think, do you honestly think, anyone cares about minnowtail?

not in a bad way, just. if she's meeting up with mousewhisker at night, do you think anyone cares? of course not! no one cares. she's not a Protagonist. her kits aren't going to be prophesized about.

heck, finleap switches clans! and it's barely a big deal. it feels like one, but when's the last time anyone bothered dealing with it? that's what i thought.

(also i forgot like all of avos so that very last point might be a bad one if it is my argument stands i just literally do not remember anything in avos but violetshine. none. zero.)

but it's easy to get caught up with characters like hollyleaf and bristlefrost and forget that like. not everyone cares about the code. most of our protagonists do, because it's become mostly equivalent with being moral. and i have an essay draft titled "the code as religion vs the code as law" where i want to expand on this more, but i think like. that idea, that we as readers should use the code as a way of evaluating cats' behaviour, is flawed.

like, i'm not talking about being inconsistent with how that is applied. if you want to say, "the trial leafpool goes through for having half-clan kits is legitimate because of the code," i still think your approach is flawed.

because the cats themselves don't seem to think that way.

the code doesn't, to me, feel like the ten commandments. it does not feel like "you must do this to be a good cat."

rather, it feels like aesop's parables. "here are mistakes cats made and what we do instead of that."

i don't think the cats know the code the way we do. i do not think they memorize a list of rules as kits. i think they know what is and is not part of it, but i imagine they know the stories far more than the rules.

(i'm working on my lore stories to replace code of the clans.)

and even if that's my thoughts, i do think this is supported by the text. no one ever teaches the warrior code, cats just learn it in pieces. "don't waste food because we don't have enough to spare" is taught, not "there's a rule about food and starclan on the code."

that's why the whole arc of the broken code even works: the reason the imposter is able to manipulate things is because cats don't treat the code as a rigid set of rules and commandments, but guiding principles.

the parts of the code that we tend to focus on the most are relationships, apprentices, and battle. or that's my perception. i didn't do a poll to obtain that. there's also the leader's word, but readers don't usually think of that as a good rule, so i'm not including it.

but the parts the cats focus on most are food, territory, and the leader's word. which makes sense: those are basic needs: food, security, and...i don't want to say authority so much as some kind of social system. explaining it would be a whole thing. just trust with me, if you don't mind.

i don't think we have any real reason to believe cats care about half-clan relationships half as much as we do. yes, apprentices are chastized about it, but that's not really the same thing as being punished.

and it's hard to tell, because apprentices being punished has really fallen off, and that's kind of the problem with any argument i try to make about warriors, but.

wow.

i'm actually still on topic? i'm 2k words in and i'm still on topic? a day i never thought would come.

let's wrap this up. cats seem to care about half clan relationships in that: a) they lead to conflicted loyalties, b) they mess with borders and prey, and c) they are in the code as bad. in that order.

and again, if the code was some high and holy religious doctrine, we couldn't have the broken code as an arc. it does not work if the cats are already following it to a t, and know it word for word, because it's signfiicantly harder to manipulate people if they do.

not to the level the imposter does, at the speed he does.

and yes, you could argue that it's more bad writing, but. i think that discredits warriors. yeah, it sure has its fair share of bad writing, but i don't think that's in the way the imposter works. instead, he seizes on a big important doctrine that's nebulous, and uses that to control people.

and that? that feels much more interesting.

so with that in mind, i don't think the cats would care about your typical, non-protagonist forbidden relationship, and i don't think we should, either.

as far as a plot device, i think we're okay with what we have. don't get me wrong, i understand why people are tired of it, but i think we also should remember that warriors is not repeating itself. having multiple forbidden relationships is not repetitive. now, if medicine cats were having half-clan kits every series, i'd make a different argument.

but all of the major forbidden relationships have different outcomes, lessons, and circumstances, and for me, i think that's signficantly interesting.

i didn't really check sources and quotes for this, so like, if you spotted something wrong, feel free to correct me. my overall point stands, but there's a lot of warriors and i have a bad memory, so i could have missed somthing major.

[honeyfreckled]

we have talked a few times and im sorry for this but you are the most accepting and easiest person to talk to honestly i dont have many people in my life i can tell anything real to. but the thing is ive been thinging about relapsing a lot more since i broke up with my boyfriend and i work with him so it makes work depressing and impossible to get through a day without crying sorry this is anon but i am scared ily dont hate me i am not trying to stress you out

ok wow first lemme just say: I DO NOT HATE U. EVER. 

and don’t be srry i don’t have a lotta ppl irl i can tell my shit to so i get it. pls know u can always ALWAYS ALWAYS come to me, and u dont gotta be scared to come off anon. i get it and it’s ok if u prefer it that way- but pls know i dont keep it on alot bc i get hate and then i turn it off bc i gotta look out for myself and dont post all the hate bc i dont wanna bring yall down or give them the satisfaction of knowing i have given it a read and response. so u can message me or make a sideblog or idk im just saying this so if it’s off later u dont blame yrself or feel scared to come off anon. ok sorelapse is a real thing and it’s fucked and hard and addiction is fucked up and a real life struggle and we dont treat addicts w the real tenderness, respect, kindness, and acceptance they deserve. but u DO deserve it. and there are hotlines, apps, churches, groups, chatrooms/boards, and sites that are more versed in what are the appropriate things to say to u- i say this bc while i’ve been thru it w loved ones i have not myself struggled w addiction w substances. my addictions were to self harm and victimhood so those are the things i searched for help on. but if it’s alright i’d like to give u some tips or things i used and have heard work for addicts of substances

places like i said like churches, groups, chatrooms, sites, apps, hotlines the apps and hotlines are good if u cant travel or want to talk to ppl who wont share their story bc maybe u cant hear it like its not the kinda help ur looking for. hotlines are sometimes tricky bc some of those folks are not educated they are volunteers so judgment leaks thru and in that case u ask to be redirected and report that volunteer so hopefully they dont repeat that kinda mess to other vulnerable folks looking for help

make a list of things, anything. list of foods u like to order, list of things that make u clench yr teeth, what were yr fave gifts you’ve ever got, style icons of urs, hobbies u tried that annoyed u, movies u can always watch, places on yr skin u hate being touched, any list of anything it doesnt have to be the usual thing of “what to live for” bc when yr depressed those kinds of things arent easy to think of. but if u get a list going of like “best things ive ever touched” “sounds that make me laugh” “trends that were stupid af” “popular things that i didnt like n couldnt figure out why they were popular” “weirdest ppl ive met” well those things might get u on a roll of good memories or laughing or seeing that theres more to yr life than what has been occupying yr thoughts

dancing. dance in yr room in the dark. clear some space. put on some headphones. lock yr door. do it in the shower. just dance. i had to start w closing my eyes and picking songs that i was taken by emotionally. songs that made me jump and slamdance tbh and then it’s just gotten more and more something im not as ashamed w. i spent a date night w james just dancing and then we ya know ya know bc the dancing got so wild. now i make playlists of songs that set moods for diff kinds of dancing

watch shows w ppl who arent doing better than u. they dont live in fancy places, they dont do much w their lives, they dont dress better than u, they struggle, they arent eating good food u dont have access to. iasip. freaks and geeks. letterkenny. undeclared. jake and amir. tpb. the state. youtube. tiktok/vine comps. lots of these kinds of vibes on youtube

podcasts. improv comedy podcasts tbh saved my life. comedy bang! bang! has best of’s those are good ones to start w. improv4humans bc matt besser has great guests of some of the best improvisers out there and he has musical guests and they’ll play a song and the improvisers will use it as inspo for a scene

make things. moodboards. pinterest. playlists. fill a shopping cart and tell yrself “i’ll get it when i win the lotto and move away from anyone who knows me so i can be the me i wanna be w/out judgement” make tea. make a meal if u can. make yr bed. clean one thing. clean the sink. hang some clothes or go thru yr drawers and clean them out. throwing things out feels hard at first but then it’s nice bc u feel less bogged down

find something to throw yr obsession at for a bit. something that wont hurt u as bad, being obsessed in general isnt good. everything in moderation irl. too much of something is bad just as much as too less of it can be bad. but yr looking for something lower risk here and if u gotta be obsessed w a celeb or a song or a food that’s ok. yr focusing the energy on something that isnt a substance so be proud of it

give yrself a break. give yrself some credit. everyday isnt gonna be on the “best of your name here’s days” but sometimes u just live to live bc that’s what u do. u wait it out and get thru it and wait for the sun to come back out. and if u cant get outta bed. or if you hate yr job and wanna scream- that’s normal it’s more normal than always being happy ppl just dont like talking abt bc society kinda trains us to hide our fucked upness idk why but thats how it is. they dont wanna tell us to do preventative care until we’re in the pits

all in all- it comes down to (at least for me) not planning w an endgoal in mind. it’s not over til it’s over and rlly we dont know. it’s all fluctuating and not meant to be a finish line we cross and then suddenly we’re done and we dont suffer anymore and the feeling of shit is gone or the risk of relapse is gone and the depression is cleared away never to be seen again. it’s not realistic. bc it isnt real. on the real- risk is always there and the downs and ups mix and run together and depression is not curable (this isnt something to be miserable over tho) depression isnt curable, yeah ok, but it is manageable. it can be quieted down from time to time and if u keep up w yr healthy routines and coping mechanisms- depression will still find its way to u bc the real world is not something u can manage. death in the family, loss of money or job, car breaking down, sickness outta nowhere, depression grows wild when these very real life stressors come into our lives. but all that too eventually gets easier and easier at least from a “ok i have some distance now” standpoint. and then as those days get more and more btwn it u can then be like “oh wow, ive made it thru X amount of days! ive put up w it this long! whats one more day, whats one more week, hell might as well see how much prouder i can feel once ive got a year under my belt!” plus u will be more capable of handling the bullshit if u know u can still find some safe places in yr coping skills or friends or resources.

ok so this is prob a mess but bottomline know this:

I love  you and i will be here the best i can should u ever wanna come spill or if u need me to just send u pics of my dog or boring pics of knickknacks or selfies or memes or links or anything just tell me what u need and i will try my best to show u my love. i hope u can see that u reaching out is just already a HUGE major step in the right direction, give yrself credit! thats amazing! yr already doing it pumpkin look at u! it’s hard ik. but i also know if u are capable of saying u have this problem going on, u are capable of getting thru this. u are a light in the world. u offer goodness and u offer yrself and that’s enough. even if yr fucked up right now- u are contributing to the world by simply being u. there is literally NO ONE ELSE WHO IS YOU. so u are unique by definition. i hope u get something from this post and if not i hope it strikes an idea or thing u can do that will help. i hope u know im here and i hope u see this.

i am sending u all my light and love and good vibes and i can’t wait to see or hear from u again. u are never bothering me, a burden, or stressing me out. tbh it stresses me more that u might be struggling and not telling me or anyone. i dont ever want u to suffer in silence bc u feel guilt or scared or anything. u deserve to have a place to voice yr shit. im here to listen if u do wanna tell me anymore.

everyone else-if this helped or if u can think of anything that might help anon or anyone else- feel free to reblog and get some good NONJUDGMENTAL advice or tips and tricks going, but please please please remember to not come off as judgey or flood it with your drama. keep ur drama out of this post so anon or anyone else doesn’t get triggered by it. 

and dont ignore my rule and do it anyway and then say some shit like “ik u said not to but i think this will help lol sorry” like we need this post to stay on this vibe that i set in motion and not a struggle contest or dick measuring or all sad personal reminiscing. go make yr own post for that this is NOT the space.

[appledcheeks-blog]

                                                        ❝      once, there was a PRINCESS.      ❞                          (     was the princess... you ?      )

hello !! i’m holly, and i’ll be playing savannah white aka snow !! have some info about her.

tw: death, poisoning, implied child abuse, mild ptsd

[ pinterest ] [ playlist ]

BIOGRAPHY:

⚘ life begins for savannah white rather peacefully. she has vivid memories of baking with her mother and dancing on her father’s toes. she remembers standing the middle of the lounge room and singing when they had guests, and even when they didn’t. she remembers being read to and learning to play the piano and buying flowers and shouting ballads with both of her parents. as child, the world is big and exciting to her. she’s a little nervous, but her gentle spirit and kind heart makes it a little easier to navigate. she don’t need rose coloured glasses for the world to look so wonderful, so beautiful, so magical. it just is. she has everything a little girl could ever dream of.

⚘ life ends quite abruptly for savannah -- or, rather, her mother’s life does when she passes away. it takes her a while to process it. it takes her so long, in fact, that her father remarries in hopes of finding her a new woman to look up to. he has her best interests at heart, of course, hoping to find her a new mother, but savannah would have been happy with the maid or her nanny. savannah would have been content with watching julie andrews in the sound of music and calling her a mother, really. what she did not need was a stepmother so awful -- but unfortunately, an awful stepmother was exactly what she got.

⚘ it doesn’t take long for things to start shifting around the house. the woman is beautiful, but unkind. she is cold. savannah doesn’t understand how to get through to her -- she is encouraged to sing less, play music less, be quiet more. no matter what she does, there is something wrong. her father either does not notice or hopes that this woman is raising his daughter to be sophisticated and proper, but either way, savannah never gets to ask, because after about two years, the then-ten year old’s father dies in his sleep.

⚘ her mother is long-gone, her father poisoned, the maid blamed and arrested. savannah has never been so truly alone. she has nobody to confide in, to cry with, to hold her when she needs it. her stepmother, crueller than ever, seems to not care or not understand why she is so emotional. confining herself in her room is safe, but it is lonely. there is no music at all, now. no baking. only chores for the dear, sad little thing.

⚘ slowly, music returns to her. she listens to it to cope, she dances whilst she cleans, sings whilst she cooks. it makes her think so much of her parents that she can’t help but do it -- it is her last connection to them, after all. she makes sure to do it when her stepmother isn’t home, or at least to do it quietly. slowly but surely, music comes back into her life in bigger ways. her high school does musicals, which costs nothing but her time and effort, and if she makes sure her chores are done in a timely manner, she decides -- for herself -- to participate. it is good to be out of the house and away from her stepmother.

⚘ music is really where she flourishes. she isn’t a bad little actress, either, but it’s not as if she’s not used to pretending. pretending things are fine, that she’s okay, that her stepmother isn’t cruel and unkind. she still flinches, even to this day, if somebody yells or moves too sharply or too quickly. a therapist might call this, in combination with her recurring nightmares, post-traumatic stress disorder. she wouldn’t know, of course, because she’s happy to keep her head down and move away from everything that’s happened to her on her own.

⚘ savannah is thrilled to be at corona because she doesn’t have to be at home. in fact, the day after she was accepted, the girl left, not interested in staying in that house any longer than she needed to be. the bad press stresses her out, sure, but anything is better than her stepmother. 

HEADCANONS:

POSITIVE: considerate, genuine, gentle, optimistic, empathetic, tactful, polite

NEGATIVE: childish, naive, jumpy, sensitive, submissive, awkward, fantasy-prone 

studying music but has a real soft spot for musical theatre. during high school and college, savannah has played wendla ( spring awakening ), penny ( hairspray ), olive ( 25th annual putnam county spelling bee ), and rosemary ( how to succeed in business without really trying ). her first role and favourite to date was olive, but in playing Wendla, she had her first kiss

other dream roles incl. gertrude ( seussical ), liesl ( the sound of music ), brenda ( catch me if you can ), and audrey ( little shop of horrors )

she’s a huge romantic but aside from her stage kisses, she’s never been kissed irl. It’s really wild to her bc she keeps getting cast as romantic leads but cannot for the life of her talk to any cute boy in a vaguely romantic context

loves to bake !!! obviously. big fan of pies but follows up with cookies in second. any kind of sweet biscuit, really. stress baker. bakes treats as gifts, bakes for her study groups/rehearsals, anything. just loves it.

also obviously super loves animals. as a child, had bunnies and birds as pets.

hates coffee. it's too bitter and strong and tastes awful and so she'll make it for her friends if she wants it but she's a hot chocolate or tea kind of gal.

bad with horror movies, loves jane austen. favourite scents are apple, rose, sugar, vanilla, orange blossom, and clean sheets. always seen with a red lip, mascara and a touch of highlighter. has a large collection of lip balms, all vanilla or cherry scented.

would love to have a big sprawling garden one day, wherever she lives. would love a big family, would love a small family. just wants a family. like, a real one that isn't awful to her.

first celebrity crush was the scarecrow in the wizard of oz, also sky in mamma mia.

can sign !! also, allergic to fructose ( major symptom: chronic fatigue, but also nausea, abdominal pain, and inability to absorb iron ) and anaemic. can play piano, guitar, and a little bit of violin.

character insp. aka characters she relates to: sansa stark ( game of thrones ), hero ( much ado about nothing ), dorothy ( wizard of oz ), ti moune ( once on this island ), and rose tyler ( doctor who )

WANTED CONNECTIONS

musical friends / ex-cast mates: people who savannah’s done shows with !! could be high school or college shows, it doesn’t bother me !! ( OPEN 1 / 3: MABEL PINES, ARIEL TRITON )

neighbours: a couple of people who live on either side of her. maybe they can hear her singing in the mornings, maybe she keeps getting their mail. just really simple domestic stuff. ( OPEN 0 / 2 )

other musicians: savannah is a singer, but she can also play piano, acoustic guitar, and a little bit of violin !! i would love some musicians for her to jam with. could be classmates or otherwise. ( OPEN / ANY )

childhood friends: self-explanatory. likely other ‘royal’ characters but really i’m open to anything and everything !! can have met anywhere between like age 3 and age 16 -- savannah is currently 21. ( OPEN 0 / 3 )

refuge: somebody who’s house she used to go to when her stepmother was being awful. they wouldn’t have known 100% what was happening, they did have a good idea of how bad she was. ( OPEN 0 / 1 )

unlikely friends: relatively self-explanatory. this could be somebody who is a real troublemaker or is super reserved, i don’t mind !! ( CLOSED: ZUKO OZAI )

protective friend: this is just the unlikely friend wc turned up to 11. this is somebody who looks after her when she’s on that naive bullshit, and she looks after them when they need it. ( CLOSED: VANELLOPE VON SCHWEETZ )

princess pals: literally what it says on the can. i would lowkey love the other princesses being a squad. ( OPEN / ANY )

[breeeliss]

[1/2] Hey gabie I’m 19 and in college and I was wondering how you would handle an irl friend that you’re really close with who doesn’t think ace people are oppressed? Like, we’re both queer girls and in the beginning and middle of the year she’d say stuff like “I get aces and aros who’re also bi or gay or completely aro-ace, but fisher aces just aren’t marginalized”. It didn’t come up frequently, and I explained some of the things you talk about on here to her, but it’s weird. I’m still...

pretty bothered by it even though it’s been a while and I’m already stressed and anxious enough without the idea that I might have to lose one of my friends over this and I was just wondering if you had any advice. I’d ask this off-anon, but she follows me on her and I already had to unfollow her because of some of her related posts on this topic. I’m really sorry to bother you with this, but I don’t really have anyone else to ask.

ahhh man this is a tough one friend i’m so sorry you’re in this situation. it’s really difficult when you have a really close friend who disagrees with you on topics that are this touchy. and i know it’s sometimes really hard to keep friendships with people who maintain opinions that make you anxious and uncomfortable. 

i think you’re doing everything you can, sharing information and trying to educate. but the fact of the matter is that some people don’t want to learn and don’t want to change and sometimes there’s very little we can do about that. oftentimes trying to force people to see things the way we see them can be more trouble than it’s worth. it’s always good to try and it’s always good to defend what you believe especially when you know it to be right, but it sounds like your friend isn’t really interested in learning. 

i can try to find you some reading to give her that might help sway her but i think it’s also good to think about how many spoons you have when you have these conversations with her and what you value in your friendship. like i have some friends who i disagree with on pretty major things, but it’s very rare that you have friends who agree with you about everything. but i feel that our friendship is more important than those disagreements. sometimes that’s not the case. there are racist friends i used to have that i could not keep bc their racism was a deal breaker. 

so it really depends on you and where your comfort lies. i don’t think engaging in conversations like this with this friend would be the best for your comfort and happiness. she may be a very very good friend but it might be best to sort of disengage whenever these conversations come up especially if she’s not interested in changing her mind. value yourself. if she talk about this a lot on tumblr, yes perhaps unfollowing is best. perhaps avoiding this conversations if at all possible with her would be best. i know our instinct is to bring people around to our side of things, but i think sometimes we lose sight of how much more upsetting it is for us to do all this defending rather than stepping back and not bothering to sway people who don’t want to be swayed. 

idk anon this is a really tough one and i’m not the best at advice unfortunately. but i hope at least a little bit of that was helpful. and if you ever wanna keep chatting my IMs are always open :)

[ohoshi]

okay so tbh i have only revealed my kpop love to select people in my life IRL...buuuut im working on being more open about it bc these boys give me so much laughter and joy and it's good to be excited about things!! yesterday my mom discovered kpop and i came running into her room to be like omg let me show you MY FAV GROUP NCT. she didnt seem to vibe with the songs i showed her but honestly i get that cuz sometimes for me, i listen to an NCT song and im like ehhh but then i keep listening and im like wait this song is actually so good (this has happened with kick it, limitless, maw, work it...to name a few)

omg also yes i am familiar with tsundere and anime terminology!! i do watch anime - not as much as i used to, but i still enjoy a good anime :)) some of my favs are hunterxhunter, toradora, fmab, my hero academia, anohana...wow how many am i gonna name, anyway if you dont watch a lot of anime pls feel free to disregard this paragraph and we can continue talking about kpop lmao

HAHA i love that yes taeil go pursue your dreams (winwin) i support you 💕wait i also love that rj just says stuff straightforwardly!! like i think on some show (was it weekly idol?) he literally said, yea the company wants me to have an innocent image (but i'm not)...and i think one time a saseang fan called jeno during a vlive and rj literally took the phone immediately and was like can you stop calling...go renjun! but yea i feel like during their awsaz ep doyoung was kinda scared cuz hes kinda soft lmao (not a bad thing) but i loved the chaos in their eps!!

i liked awsaz!! for me, some eps were definitely funnier than others lol but i really like the concept and it's something only nct can do! the jaehyun/jisung ep was prob my second favorite even tho i cringed a lot but in the best way possible. i would LOVE to see them continue doing awsaz with wayv members!! like the ep with winwin/jisung (and henderey/haechan hosts) was so great!! also lmao jisung is just awkward with everybody, they could literally make a whole awsaz show with just jisung 😂 (also a side note: i love how he is still the maknae even after sungchan/shotaro joined haha he will always be our NCT baby 🥺)

as for what i didnt like...dont hate me but some of the missions were a little...slow for me? like in some eps when they just take the selfies and decorate it in the book i kinda skimmed those parts 😅 i think it would be cool if they had more missions that require them to actually do things with each other (i guess kinda like icebreakers lmao even tho i personally hate icebreakers) - like in the winwin/js episode, they involved the hosts and had them do some drawing thing that was funny. but actually i guess it also depends who the hosts are, i feel like some host combinations are funnier (whether bc of their chemistry with the participants or each other) so maybe that can't really be controlled

oooh wait one of my close friends is also a taurus!! love that haha (i dont rly take horoscopes super seriously (even tho i do think im kinda a virgo) but theyre interesting to look at)

i have some svt songs in my kpop playlist (i love hug (it’s so calming) and also my my)!! i think i kinda looked into them back in like 2016 but i wasnt rly a kpop fan back then, i will check them out now cuz i love me a talented and chaotic kpop group :))

p.s. for my ss gift hehe do you have any specific things you'd want me to gif? otherwise i will do something based on our conversations (which i think makes it mildly obvious who i'm gonna gif)!! also pls forgive me my giffing skills could be better but i try my best and they are 100% certified made with love 💖

ohh i understand that! my irl friends judge me for loving kpop so much (not all of them) but, frankly, i couldn’t care less because there’s nothing wrong with loving kpop so  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ my mom, however, puts up with me and my kpop obsession very well tbh she does pay attention when i show her their stages and songs and even some funny content~ and so far she loves jaehyun, minghao(svt) and jisoo(bp) the most (all 3 for their visuals lmaoo) dhagfdshgad as far as the music goes, she reeeeeally loves from home 🥺 (tho i really love those overproduced hype songs, so for me it’s not hard to vibe with them right from the start lmao and esp kick it and maw those were love at first sight! here’s a funny story related to kick it: as you already know i’m a dancer and bc i immediately fell in love w kick it i learned the whole choreo for that song, usually i only know chorus or the dance points, and my mother watched me and she said i was really good i could fit well in 127 ghdafgds ahhh what an ego boost thanks mom everyone should have you as their mom tbh)

no way!!! you love anime!! aaa i’m excited now!!! when i was younger i watched a lot of anime and i mean a LOT; i’ve seen everything you listed here! lmao not my proudest moment... i also really love hxh!!!! i also remember loving code geass, tengen toppa gurren lagann, neon genesis evangelion and even the gundam series (i’m a simple person i see mecha and i fall in love immediately lmao even my fav cartoon of all time is the one i watched when i was like 5-7?? it was a korean manhwa, hamos the green chariot, which is also about the big robots djahsd)  + all the shoujos lmao (nana best shoujo ever) i also really loved kuroko no basuke and fairy tail????? and all the popular ones (ie naruto, bleach, pokemon etc)

ohh i know that moment when he called the sasaeng out for bothering jeno hgafdagjdgah ICONIC we stan a legend 🤧✊

yeah i agree that some episodes were funnier than the others and some missions were just boring  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ but it’s okay i guess majority of the ep is still interesing!! omg same!! i love jisung he is so precious and it would be amazing if he just stayed the maknae of nct until the end! (highly unlikely i guess but a girl can dream) they could definitely make a spin off awsaz - jisung and nct and it would be so funny lmaoooo and winwin is an awkward cutie as well so!! 🥰🥰 

>they involved the hosts and had them do some drawing thing that was funny; my thoughts exactly!!!! it would be so great if they keep involving hosts lmao it would be funnier and more interesting; and yeah some hosts combinations were definitely better than the others (lowkey disappointed that jaemin didn’t get the chance to be the host lmao wonder how would that look) i think that one of the reasons dy/rj and js/jh eps were so good is bc markhyuck and cl/jw were amazing hosts lmao

ahh me neither!!! i’m not too serious about horoscope, i used to read about astrology for the fun of it lmao and yeah taurus and virgo is a great combination so !!!!

AHHH I’M SO GLAD YOU LOVE HUG it’s one of my favorite songs 🥺 do it santa you won’t regret!! their music is soooo good!!!!! and the performances are next level 

p.s. you can gif whatever you want!! and i’m sure it’ll be great! <3 don’t be to pressured, even if you can’t make it it’s completely okay, i understand, you don’t have to! these conversations we’ve been having are the best gift already! i really cherish them! 🤗💚

p.p.s AHH I LOVE MFAL TOO (shocking) and ikr??? THEY GREW UP SO MUCH 😭 but esp jisung???? he reeeally changed omg!!! and chenle!!! now they look all grown up i’m 🤧 emotional

[emubop]

Adding on to my post from yesterday, I’m just gonna list all the issues I have with Disco (a separate list of the things I love soon to come!)

Under a cut for length and for spoilers. Seriously. Major spoilers ahead. And tw for discussions of character death, if that bothers you.

With that in mind, let’s get to it! (This is in no particular order, btw.)

Starting with the last two episodes, since they’re pretty fresh in my mind - they felt very rushed. I’ve seen some people say that the season should have ended right when they got back from the mirrorverse, and I completely agree. The final arc felt like it needed at least two more episodes to be fleshed out. I wanted to see more of the characters actually dealing with what happened in the mirrorverse, and having time for development; and while we got a little bit of that between Michael and Ash, it wasn’t very much. And like, I get why. When you’ve only got two episodes to get the plot where you need it to go, of course character development is going to be sacrificed for time. Which is why I think they should have either a) added more episodes to the end of season one, or b) ended the season with the mirror arc, so that they’d have more time to explore the Klingon war thing at the beginning of season 2. Disco has some very wonderful characters who are very deserving of development and growth, and it’s unfortunate that they didn’t get it.

Culber’s death... This is the main point where I’m like “yeah, I don’t blame you for not liking the show anymore,” because I came very close to that too. In the end, I do still think I like the rest of the show overall, but this part... I just about stopped watching. In short - the way the show treated Dr. Culber was absolutely shitty. Sure, I’m like 99% certain they’ll end up bringing him back in season 2, but in the meantime, he’s still very much dead. And NOT ONLY did they use the “bury your gays” trope, but out of only TWO gay characters, they buried the man of color. Like... that’s just... what the fuck.

I’m expanding this into multiple points, bc it’s the biggest point I have. Culber’s death is legitimately the worst thing Disco has done. Not only just the fact that they killed him, but how they did it. His death was violent, sudden, and meaningless. The main characters barely even get to react to it before moving on. His killer doesn’t face trial or repercussions. (Note - I personally see Voq as being entirely the murderer and not Tyler, since Tyler had no agency in the killing and was if anything just a tool, but either way, no justice is served.) And then we, the audience, have to see the brutal killing scene AGAIN in the “previously on” section of the next episode or two, which makes it seem like they’re using this horrific event as mere shock value. I literally felt sick to my stomach watching it. What happened was disgusting, and I can’t blame anyone for not wanting to watch the show anymore because of it.

I trust Wilson Cruz. I trust Anthony Rapp. I trust them when they say that there’s a plan, that Culber will come back, that this will work out at some point. Their reassurances do help me personally to make some measure of peace with the situation. I don’t want to think that two openly gay actors would sign onto the script if this is how it ends between their characters. But right now, Culber is still dead, for no good reason that I can see, and it still stings. This is justifiably upsetting. And until I see him come back with my own two eyes, yeah, I’m not gonna be happy about it.

Aaaaand speaking of death, let’s talk about Georgiou. I just... that’s not a good way to start your show off, ngl. You take a very strong and deep character, played by Michelle Yeoh no less, and then just kill her? It’s bad writing. They could have easily had Michael transferred off the Shenzhou and arrested and kept Captain Georgiou alive. They could have even kept the whole “tragic backstory” thing in play, with Michael and Philippa no longer on speaking terms, and Michael mourning the loss of what was once such a close relationship. (I do appreciate that they brought her back as her mirror counterpart - and boy howdy the Emperor is a good character - so that does take a little bit of the sting out, but still. Not the best way to open the show.)

And then Landry dies in both universes?? I can accept mirror!Landry dying because of the whole “Lorca’s second hand” thing, but like... god, this show has got to stop killing off poc. Especially woc. I can understand that they’re trying to do a “raceblind” thing, and I understand their reasoning - the whole “it’s a utopian future and everyone is treated the same!” thing - but it doesn’t really work like that irl for the audience. Unless someone is actually literally colorblind and sees everything in greyscale, no one has any business saying they “don’t see color.” And no one should be casting with that mindset. The situation could certainly be a lot worse - they’ve got Michael, at least, and she’s fucking amazing - but it could also be better.

And yeah, it’s a warzone, and people are going to die. I get that. But just... do some critical thinking about who you’re killing, why, and if it can be avoided. If for no other reason, it makes the story a lot stronger in the long run.

It’s the year of our lord twenty-gayteen, can we stop having the makeup on white people playing Kingons being so hmmm questionable maybe?

(With regards to several of the above points, I’m white, so please let me know if I’m overstepping my bounds here. And like the point about Culber - I wouldn’t blame anyone for disliking/not supporting the show because of these reasons, and I’m not ever going to try to convince anyone that these things are okay. Because they aren’t. Just because I like certain elements enough to give the show a second chance with season two, doesn’t mean that anyone else will or should do the same. Continuing.)

Why the fuck is this show so obsessed with eating people? Stop it. Get some help.

The only explicitly bisexual/pansexual person we see is the Emperor, who sleeps with both a man and a woman and seems very satisfied with both parties afterwards. Which, okay, cool, except she was also trying to get information out of them, so whether or not she was even attracted to either one is debatable. I personally think she was - thanks to Michelle Yeoh’s acting, which is a goddamn gift - but that still leaves us with the only representation of bi/pan people being a murderous emperor from the mirror universe. And the “relationship” is entirely sex-based, as well as being with multiple people at once, which only furthers the stereotype of bi/pan being promiscuous, being only bi for a threesome, being untrustworthy. And to be clear, there’s nothing wrong with one night stands or poly relationships! Those things are perfectly fine! But when that’s all that bi/pan people are shown as, it can play into really damaging stereotypes - and as a bi/pan person, I’m frankly getting a little fucking sick of it.

(I mean, it’s better than DS9′s “mirrorverse=gay/bi/pan” thing, I’ll give it that, but I’m not going to give any show brownie points for reinforcing harmful stereotypes. You’ve improved slightly, Trek, but not nearly as much as you should have.)

I’m just making another point here for Dr. Culber’s death because seriously. Fucking seriously. What the fuck.

I would’ve liked to have seen more one-off episodes, like “Magic to Make the Sanest Man Go Mad.” That was a fucking awesome episode. It’s fun! It’s got character development! I wanna see more of that!

The portrayal of Klingon culture is a bit inconsistent. And okay, to be entirely truthful, I’m really not that into Klingons in general? So having a plot centered around them wouldn’t be my first choice anyway. But if you’re going to do it, please do it right. It felt like the writers sometimes “forgot” important elements of Klingon culture for the sake of the plot, and just... come on. The Klingons are brutal warriors, yes. They’ve killed innocent civilians in the course of battle, sure. But they have a whole honor code, and going out of their way to murder thousands of helpless, defenseless people? Correct me if I’m wrong, but it just doesn’t quite seem to fit.

I really, really wanna see more of the bridge crew! I wanna get to know them! They seem so cool who are they please Disco I’m begging you

This is a very dumb, very tiny thing, but I was kinda hoping I’d see some Cardassian makeup in the crowd while we were in the Seedy Black Market on Qo’noS. Did appreciate the Trill lady tho!

I dunno, the ending almost felt... too neat? If that makes sense? I would have liked things more ambiguous, a few more loose ends. It felt like they threw in a happy ending out of nowhere; it didn’t really match the tone of the rest of the show.

Speaking of tone - it felt to me like Disco was trying to mix the upbeat, thoughtful, philosophical tone of classic Trek with the grittier, more critical, more heavy tone of DS9. I love both classic Trek and DS9, but they don’t exactly mix very well. Disco’s tone felt a bit confused and convoluted. And like, here’s the thing - classic Trek doesn’t preclude heavy subjects (”Conscience of the King” from TOS is a great example), and shows like DS9 don’t preclude fun and optimism (there’s episodes like “Explorers” that are uplifting, and “Take Me Out to the Holosuite” is a fucking delight). Star Trek at its best should always tackle difficult issues, should always have determination, should always have hope. DS9 had a more morally gray outlook, yes, and certainly questioned the idea that the Federation is utopian, but it was still underpinned by the main characters wanting to do good. Wanting to improve the world around them. It managed to do a very good job of adapting Trek’s message to its darker tone - whereas Disco feels like it’s flip-flopping between having a darker tone and trying to be like TOS. Like, buddy, just pick one. You just gotta pick one.

The more times Sarek shows up in Disco, the more he looks like a complete dick to Spock in TOS. This isn’t necessarily a complaint, because Sarek being a dick is certainly in character for him, but I’d like to see that disparity in how he treats his children addressed. By his wife. Specifically by his wife. Amanda is a national treasure and I need her to call her husband out.

idk I think there’s more but like, I’ve been working on this for hours - WAIT HANG ON

This has been bugging me since the beginning of the show, because while Michael’s mutiny was certainly a bad idea, she technically... didn’t really do much of anything before being taken to the brig? She almost has the ship fire on a Klingon vessel, but Georgiou shows up and stops her. Helm locked phasers on the vessel on Michael’s orders, yes, but earlier they locked phase cannons on the vessel for a short time, which Georgiou agreed to. Her actions during the mutiny didn’t really change their situation at all. So why does everyone blame her for starting the war?

“But she killed that Klingon during her spacewalk!” Yeah, she did, because he came charging at her with a bat’leth with the intention to kill. In that scenario, her actions were self-defense. She attempted to talk to him, he then proceeded to try to kill her, so she fought back to save her own life and ended up killing him in the process. And all this happened while she was investigating a foreign object in Federation territory. So while I can see why she was charged with mutiny and assaulting a fellow officer, I don’t think it’s fair to say that she started the war. The Klingons on the ship of the dead were planning to start shit before anyone even got there.

I can understand why Starfleet would have thought Michael started it, at least at first, because unlike the audience, they couldn’t see the Klingons planning beforehand. That’s fair. But then Ash Tyler shows up, and he’s revealed to be Voq - who was there! he knows what happened on that ship! - and eventually, he loses Voq’s consciousness but retains the guy’s memories. So Ash knows how the war started. Ash knows, or should know, that the Klingons on that ship were the instigators. Why wouldn’t he tell Starfleet before fucking off with L’Rell? He says he loves Michael, so why wouldn’t he want to set the record straight? And most importantly, why wasn’t Michael told any of this?! She’s been blaming herself for this whole war, she’s been suffering needlessly for it, let her fucking rest! Yeah, she was exonerated and accepted back into Starfleet, which is great, but it came across as “welp you basically cleaned up the mess of a war you started and saved Earth from annihilation, so I guess we’ll clear the slate for you.” It should have been more like “well given what we know now, we can say that you’re innocent of starting interstellar war; and as for the rest, stopping the destruction of Earth is a hell of a community service, so you know what? Welcome back.”

My point is, Michael Burnham has done nothing wrong, ever, in her life

Alright, at this point I think that about sums it up, and I’m tired of looking at this anyways because it’s been hours now, so uh, yeah. Thanks for coming to my ted talk

[blackmageeljin]

Okay I put this bs under the read more bc im fuckin pissed.

TLDR Wendigos are nasty fuckers don’t fuck with them irl but otherwise this Indigenous Person(TM) says have fun writing your cool cryptid stories my dudes.

so i saw this on someones blog who i recently unfollowed for a high density of this sort of bs (note that the screenshot is from the OP, not where I saw if, if that matters for some reason):

As a native myself, not only can I attest to at least half of this information being incorrect, but I am really fucking tired of this pretentious ass attitude.

the biggest problem here is the fact that they are claiming these myths belong to like two groups. This is EXTREMELY false. Ironically, this myth actually (from an anthropological standpoint) functioned similarly to how the idea of ‘cryptids’ do today in the way it spread. Many different tribes and native groups have their own version of the Wendigo myth, where it does different things, is formed in different ways, looks different, and defeated in different ways. (which is also why I know I cannot attest to the accuracy of their version of the myth- its so widespread what they said could be true to their personal localized version, but I am REALLY bothered by them trying to claim this as ‘theirs’ ESPECIALLY given the hypocrisy of then many complaining about this myth being appropriated.)

The really only 100% consistent thing is that the spirit is malevolent. TBH, one of the more common themes I have seen is it relating to (usually being created from) cannibalism in some way shape or form, and a few different versions relating to dead or starved children.TBH I have literally not heard of most of the stuff OP has stated, which makes me skeptical (but again, its really wide spread, so I am not going to be a hypocrite and claim their version is just wrong.) Since the vast majority of Native history was and and many cases still is kept orally, the myth was easily altered over years and miles of spreading.

Though I really have never heard of them being considered ‘sacred’ at least certainly not in a way most people would interoperate the word. This really bothers me, because most readers are going to be of a monotheistic background (Christian, Jewish, or Muslim) and like... you wouldn’t call the devil ‘sacred’. he is a force to be respected and feared for sure, never worshiped by such groups but acknowledged as a religious antagonist. In such a parallel the Wendigo would be most similar to demons- you could probably find some really close obscure book of Solomon 18-19th century demonology equivalents. They are really fucked up things, they are not ‘sacred’. They are to be respected int he sense that they should not be fucked with, but the word sacred really rubs me wrong here.

That being said, many versions in popular media may or may not be super accurate- and admittedly the thing that is probably the most wrong is what they look like XD (since in a lot of version they are more ghosty than monstery) But you know what? As a native I ENJOY seeing my culture attempted to be well represented in media, even if it skewed! At least someone is trying! is acknowledging I have a lot of cool things other people might find cool! Instead of pretending I don’t exist and Early America didn’t do some fucked shit. And in the case of this particular myth, its a lot better to warn people that ‘hey, this is a fucked up thing to not fuck with’ even if the details are wrong, than for them to go on being completely unaware. Its sort of like movies with Ouija boards. Ouija boards are pretty universally bad news. They’re in a lot of horror movies- and thats fine by me, because it always teaches the less ‘bad fucking shit happens when you fuck with shit kiddos’ (admittedly the idea that there are young witches and pagans that think they can be worked with is alarming, but thats why you shouldnt keep the info under wraps!!!)

Not every literal instance of including native stuff (or hell, even other cultures as far as I’m concerned, but by today’s standards I can only speak for my blood) is appropriation. BUT that doesn’t mean every inclusion isn’t either. Sometimes people take things too far and its problematic. But man, using some cool myths that might get a few people to do some real research on them? That’s not one of those cases. The key is being respectful and not being a dick (looking at you Washington Redskins, not cool). This would be like saying only people from Europe allowed to talk about vampires. Come on dudes. Take a fuckin chill pill. SHARING IS CARING. Educate people so they get it right instead of yelling ‘no one guy messed it up and you can’t have it ever now.’ Which again, is ludicrous bc there are like 8 bagillion variations of this myth.

TLDR Wendigos are nasty fuckers don’t fuck with them but otherwise this Indigenous Person(TM) says have fun writing your cool cryptid stories my dudes.

And most importantly, don’t be the non native guy who polices other non native guys about native stuff. you’re not helping.

[rearviewrosary]

oh hey i figured out how to do read mores on mobile lol

let me preface this by saying i know im in a place of incredible privilege to be attending higher education and being vaccinated, esp compared to the rest of the world. ALSO cw for body image issues + ED mention

having covid cut my first year at college short fucked me over. i was FINALLY making friends outside the group of juniors + seniors i was introduced to by my best friend. i was maybe even going to try to go on dates w a girl i had a crush on! and all that obviously came to a staggering halt.

and like, i was on campus last fall semester. it was lonely ngl - i had my friend r who was basically my only friend nearby who i could see more than once a month. there was no possibility to even try to make friends in my building or on campus bc of restrictions (which are COMPLETELY understandable) and had i been able to stay spring semester maybe things would be different (i was at home this past semester bc my mom's health had a very sudden drop and my dad was doing p much nothing to take care of her or my 16 y/o sister so i had to be home to like. get groceries! make sure my sister was doing her work! keep mom eating! make sure my early onset alzheimers father got to his drs appointments and took his medicine and so forth!)

but this upcoming semester im so nervous. (besides r, who is now living nearby campus) im not gonna have...anyone, basically that im truly comfortable with and know outside of shared prev classes. and that's so fucking scary. and it's making feel intense regret over every thing i could have gone to my freshman year pre covid, every social event i missed out on, parties i declined to go to, etc.

and i was trying to be independent and become friends w myself and love being by myself and it was going actually pretty good but I've also experienced a major halt in that and a certain convo w a very close irl friend of mine made me realize. i am so terrified of burdening and bothering people and its sorta like, i was in fact doing that.

so like, if you've read this far, i guess i want to ask: is it like...too late to join clubs (im technically a junior now)? like, will i find my niche? am i too worried about this? do you have any suggestions ig?? words of comfort??? like, i was trying to work on putting myself out there and becoming more comfortable with myself and not caring about what others (ie strangers) think of me but. it's been so fucking hard this past year.

and like my body self esteem is constantly fucking ricocheting between "wow you're sexy as he'll" and "holy shit you're literally so fucking gross and fat and look at how skinny your friends are and (unfortunate ED/bad food thoughts im not subjecting you to here) and im trying to develop an exercise schedule and eating healthy in this damn house is near impossible unfortunately lol and my internship makes it so i can't go to the lake or out bc im expected to be working 40hr/week and by the time the weekend comes the lake is a) busy as FUCK and b) the weather has been ass on the weekends lately and i want to get healthy and YES it's for body reasons i KNOW that's bad but my god my dysmorphia* hasn't been this bad since fucking middle school and it makes me think im like, 3x my size and misproportioned and ugh. also a very close friend of mine told me earlier this year that "I'm not *that* big" and not gonna lie i kinda wanted to die when she said that. if you're an irl reading this you might be able to figure out who said it lol 💔 BUT this relates bc im terrified of how people view me and it's affecting how i present myself and interact w ppl lol

*ive had dysmorphia since childhood so please don't tell me im just experiencing internalized fatphobia bc i admit i am! but it also goes beyond that.

um if u made it this far can u like this post so im not entirely screaming into the void 💛