#i don’t have a clue about anything. im so stupid and my memory emptiness puts me in danger of myself

[myfirstandlast]

my depression is reaching unsalvageable levels and i don’t know what to do im quite scared and i don’t have anyone around me for protection or support

[hyuckssunchip]

Reputation

Pairings: Johnny x Reader, ft. nct 127

Words: 4.3K

Warnings: Language (there is almost always language in my writings), angst, some fluff

Request:  Angst 42 and 48 ➵ “You promised.” “Give me one reason why I shouldn’t leave.” / @jungcherie​

(im so sorry i took so long.... i turned a drabble into a story... oops)​

Johnny Suh had a reputation that was unmatched.

There was no other way to put it.

And a reputation like his left trails of tears.

A pool of tears that you were currently drowning in.

It was obvious Johnny was dangerous, perhaps that’s why you were drawn to him. While every single one of your instincts had you fighting and rejecting him, you were desperate for him all the more.

It was March 13th that you lost your first will.

“Y/N, right?”

You turned around to find a familiar face towering over you.

“Yeah.” 

It was that stupid smile that had you. 

“Hey, we have have Communications together. I was wondering if you wanted to do that project together?” He scratched the back of his neck like he was embarrassed. “I just know that you’re insanely smart so... Sorry, wait, that sounds like I’m just talking to you for your grades.”

You giggled nervously, a habit that you did when you were uncomfortable.

“Look, I just... do you? You know, wanna do the project together? I mean, I’m a pretty smooth talker so I can do the presentation. I get good grades too...”

Stupid smile.

“Yeah.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Alright. There’s actually a little party at my frat tonight, you maybe wanna come? Get to know each other before we drown in work?” 

Fucking stupid smile.

“Yeah. I’d like that.” You blushed at the idea, cursing at yourself for being so obvious. 

Parties weren’t really your thing. 

But at the time Johnny Suh was.

Your ears were pounding because of the insanely loud level the music was at. You were actually shocked that no one had called the cops with a noise complaint, but the fact that they were on frat row made more sense.

“Y/N. You made it.” A arm was flung over your shoulder and, thankfully the lights were both dim and flashing enough that he couldn’t see the way that you blushed at the action.

“Yeah. Is it always this loud?” You asked, still not so comfortable with the atmosphere.

“What?” Johnny yelled, pointing at his ear, indicating that he couldn’t hear you. Of course he fucking couldn’t. Then he jerked his thumb to the right, nodding at the backyard, which was seemingly empty.

With his hand placed on your back, he guided you outside, your head already thanking him from the escape of noise pollution. It was far better outside of the house.

The two of you collapsed onto the swinging chair, sighing as you cleared your head.

“So parties aren’t really your thing?” Johnny leaned closer, noting the look of relief that you had donned the moment you exited.

“It’s not that I hate them... I’m just not a fan. I mean a bunch of sweaty, horny drunk people grinding on each other. I just like smaller things.” You explained, staring up at the dark sky, shivering slightly at the cool breeze.

“You didn’t have to come.” Johnny suddenly looked guilty, “I didn’t mean to force you into coming, I just... thought I’d invite you.”

You quickly backtracked, “No, you didn’t force me. If I didn’t want to come, I wouldn’t have.” You ignored the voice in the back of your head that begged to differ.

“Right.” He grinned, as if he could read your mind. “You’re not great at lying, but I’m gonna pretend that I believe you.”

You felt your cheeks heat up in embarrassment.

“Were you playing beer pong?” You asked suddenly, causing him to look at you in confusion.

“Yeah, how’d you know?”

You laughed, looking away from him, “You have quite the reputation Mr. Suh, even someone like me knows the extent of your skills.”

Johnny smirked, liking how easy you were making it for him. “Is that so? Is that the only skill of mine you’ve heard about?”

You raised your eyebrows, hating the turn that your mind took. “W-what kind of other skills did you have in mind?” You stuttered out.

Suddenly it felt like you were caged in, his arms tense around your frame, causing you to lean back against the back of the swing.

“Tell me what you’ve heard.” 

You averted your eyes, unable to take his heavy gaze. His eyes had turned dark, full of lust, and you tried desperately to forget the effect they were having on you.

As if sensing how uncomfortable you were getting, he backed off, dusting off some invisible dirt on his shoulder. He cocked his head to the side with a sly smile, happy with a new challenge. 

Things weren’t going to be as easy as he thought they were, but that’s what made it fun.

“No that’s so stupid. Are you kidding me? Robin could absolutely never beat Batman. Is that even a question?” Your hands were waving animately, far too much for an argument about fictional superheroes.

“Sure. I’m just saying that Robin could totally catch him off guard, like out of the blue, you know.” Johnny slurped on his drink shrugging his shoulders like he didn’t care. 

“No. Absolutely not. First of all Robin doesn’t have the guts to do something like that and second of all Robin doesn’t have any powers. How on Earth would he beat him?”

“Umm... Batman doesn’t have powers either.” He made a duh face at you, which you chose to ignore.

“Yeah, well he’s got money, and that’s basically a super power.”

“Let’s be real, Batman isn’t even really a real superhero. He’s just a hero. Period.” 

You huffed, rolling your eyes at the argument. “That’s a whole different story.”

“I’m just saying.” He sang back teasingly.

“And I’m just saying that this is stupid. How did we even get here?” You laughed, trying to remember how this conversation came about.

“Uh, you made the bold choice of saying that the Batman vs. Superman movie was shit. Very controversial by the way.” He frowned at the memory.

You let your bag fall heavily on the library table, earning you a few glares as studying students dug into their books.

You sent an apologetic look before sliding into your seat. “Let’s just get this presentation done. Our presentation date is the 23rd and I don’t even have a clue of what to write it on.”

“Well the topic is influencers that change your life. Do you have anyone in mind?”He asked, flipping through his notebook, which didn’t really have anything but drawings in them.

“Not really, is there anyone for you? I mean influencer is kind of vague isn’t it? We could pick like an athlete too, or a musician. Those are technically influencers right?”

He nodded, resting his chin on his hand. “Yeah. Influencers don’t even have to be famous do they? Like they can just be someone in your life that made a huge impact on you. Like your parents or something.”

“Yeah, I guess. But that’s kind of hard when you’re working in groups. Like you’re not gonna want to talk about my grandma, you know. Like you don’t even know her. It’s probably just easier to use a famous icon.”

“Okay, so who?” He leaned back in his chair, staring at the ceiling like it would give him inspiration. 

“Hmmm... maybe we could do someone like Michael Jackson. Like he may not have affected us personally, but he affected the way that the music and performance was seen afterwards. That’s influential and life changing right?”

“I guess.” He cocked his head, “We could at least start with brainstorming ideas for him and then if we feel like it’s not working we can change it.”

“Cool. I guess we can start with that then.”

And you did. You spent every afternoon for the next week and half with each other in the library, and a little more outside of it.

“That one’s the big dipper.” 

You grinned following his finger, but had more difficulty finding exactly what he saw. 

“How do you know it’s not the little dipper?” You teased, squinting in to the dark, the scattered stars really just looking like paint splatters to you.

“Because that’s the little dipper.” He laughed, moving his index finger slightly to the right.

“Oh.” 

Johnny leaned back into your space, smiling at you look of concentration quickly falling as you gave up.

“Where’s the North Star?” You asked turning to face him, but sucking in a harsh breath when you found your nose just centimeters from his. 

Johnny lowered his voice, whispering and pointing without even turning away, “Right there, it’s the tail of the little dipper.”

It took more effort than you thought to pull away, eyes searching for it.

He leaned back, resting his body weight on his hands. “See it? It’s the brightest one.”

“No,” You pouted scooting forward, as if that would help you see it. “Oh, wait! I see it!”

Johnny couldn’t stop himself from grinning as he saw your face light up.

“Wow.” Suddenly your tone turned more mellow, still in awe. “I’ve always wanted to find the North Star.”

Johnny’s chest rumbled with laughter. “Why?”

“Well you know. They say if you get lost, just follow the North Star home.” You turned to face him, eyes sparkling with excitement, but the sound of your voice had gone quiet, almost somber. The smile on your face faded into a sad smile as you all but whispered your next words. “Now I can go home.”

Johnny frowned next to you, not liking the sudden turn in mood. He sat up, wrapping an arm around your shoulder and pulling you against his chest.

“What makes you think that you’re not home right now?” He mumbled on the top of your head, staring straight out in the dark.

“I don’t know. I can just feel it, you know? Like I’m just constantly uneasy.” You sighed, digging your face into his jacket. “I think I’ll be able to tell when I get there.”

There was something in Johnny’s chest that suddenly ached, and he felt a sharp drop in his stomach at the thought.

“Maybe you’ll only ever know once you’ve left home.” He muttered, “Then you’ll know that this is actually what it feels like, and it’s so much worse when you leave.”

You stilled against him for a moment before relaxing, mulling over the thought. “That’s so sad though. Why do we only know we’re happy once we’re sad?”

Johnny shook his head slowly. “I don’t know. Why does God make us hurt to only to help us heal?”

The sound of the wind passing through trees was the only thing that comforted you at the thought.

“I don’t want to have to heal, I don’t want to hurt in the first place.” You whisper out, feeling the most vulnerable you had in a long time.

“I’ll never hurt you.” He rubbed at your arms soothingly, feeling a lump in the back of his throat, but he pushed it away not liking the unfamiliar feeling.

“Promise?”

“Of course.”

You let your eyes fall, enjoying just the silence and comfort of each other’s arms and minds.

You woke up wrapped in Johnny’s arms, although it was an unfamiliar feeling you welcomed it with open arms. 

Lost in your thoughts for the time being you were suddenly reminded of the conversation you had a couple nights ago. 

Was this home?

You had never felt so safe before and it scared you. But you weren’t one to run.

“Good morning.” Johnny mumbled out beside you, his morning voice raspy to the ear.

“Morning.” You whispered back, letting his arm flop over your waist.

“Do you like pancakes?” He asked, letting his eyes fall close again.

“Pancakes?” 

“Yeah. Taeyong makes some bomb ass pancakes.” 

You giggled, “Yeah, I like pancakes. Especially bomb ass pancakes.”

But he didn’t move and it was only after you tapped him questioningly did he speak up. “Do you think he’ll bring them up if I yell loud enough?”

You smacked his chest. “Stop it. We should go down.”

“In a bit.” He answered, nose buried deep in the crevice of your neck.

A few minutes later you heard the clinking of kitchen tools from downstairs and you stirred. “Johnny?”

“Hmmm...”

“Johnny. Let’s go.”

“Five more minutes.” He mumbled, but he let you out of his grasp anyways.  

“Fine. I’ll meet you downstairs.” You paused as you passed by the mirror, eyes tracing over the marks on your neck that Johnny had left the night before. You blushed, realizing that you didn’t have anything to cover it up with, but quickly moved on, attempting to find your shorts that were discarded in the frenzy of last night.

“Check under the desk.” Johnny said, sitting up and watching you.

Sure enough that’s where they were, although you weren’t really sure how they managed to get there. 

You shrugged on the last of your clothes, turning to find Johnny doing the same. It took him less than three steps to get to you, landing a soft kiss on the top of your head. 

“Let’s go.”

Taeyong was undoubtedly the closest of Johnny’s frat brothers to you. He had this really calming and sweet aura about him that just made you want to be friends. 

“Good morning Y/N. Blueberry or chocolate?” He asked grinning as he took his eyes off the pan for a second. 

“Blueberry please.” You slid onto the bar across from him. “Do you need any help?”

Johnny rubbed your lower back comfortingly, “No, you don’t want to get in his way. That’s when he loses his temper.” He whispered the last bit to you, but Taeyong obviously heard it, sending a sharp glare at him.

“Only when there are incompetent people in my kitchen.” Taeyong muttered back.

Johnny ignored the comment, shaking his head at you, “I’ll have chocolate.”

“You’ll get what you get.” Taeyong piped at him, still not over Johnny’s teasing, who grinned in response. 

Both of them knew that Johnny was getting chocolate, Taeyong was really bad at being mean.

“Where’s the others?” Johnny asked, sipping on a cup of coffee.

“At school, as they should be because they are college students.” Taeyong answered, sliding a plate towards you. “Enjoy.”

You thanked him and bit into a piece, almost moaning at the taste. “Damn, Johnny told me they were good but I didn’t think it would be this good.”

Johnny swiped a piece from your plate. “What are you talking about? I told you he made bomb ass pancakes.” 

Taeyong slid a plate towards Johnny.

His grin widened. “Thank you. You’re my favorite Taeyong ever.”

“I’m the only Taeyong you know.” He put his hands on his hips. “I should be the favorite.”

Johnny sent a wink in his direction before stabbing a piece. 

“So I was thinking, that little bakery next to the park, do you wanna go? They just opened and I’ve been dying to try it.” Johnny asked around a mouthful of pancake.

“Yeah, sure. That sounds good.” You felt your stomach flutter, you were sure whether it was the pancakes or Johnny, but you had a pretty good guess. 

“Sweet, we can swing by your place first if you want to get a change of clothes or something.” 

You nodded, “Yeah, sounds good.”

“I’m glad that sounds good.” He teased you with a smile.

“Sorry, but it just sounds good. What else do you want me to say?” You pushed back, opting to add another piece into your mouth.

“I don’t know, maybe-”

“Okay, sorry to interrupt your little flirt fest, but can you start that after I leave?” Taeyong asked, making a few pancakes for himself.

“Sorry.” You giggled, sending him a genuine apologetic look.

“I’m not sorry.” Johnny said, shrugging.

You smacked him lightly.

“I’ll take away pancake privileges for a month.” Taeyong quipped, focusing on flipping the pancake.

“Sorry.” Johnny mumbled out under his breath, not one to admit defeat easily.

You laughed at the sight of a pouty Johnny, enjoying the view for the time being.

Waiting for Johnny had become a routine, but honestly you didn’t really mind it. Hanging out on the couch, you had met and befriended quite a few of his frat brothers. 

Currently you were sprawled out on the couch with Jungwoo, who was retelling a very interesting story about his trip to the grocery store last week that involved a cereal box and a banana. Although it was a bit of a reach, you nodded and smiled at the right times, not really following the order of events, or really the importance of them.

“What does the fact that you were wearing- and I quote - ‘an incredibly sick pair of joggers’ have anything to do with your story?” You asked, tilting your head in teasing confusion.

“Oh, it doesn’t. I just thought you should know.” He replied matter-of-factly, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Right. And I’m so better off now that I know.” You taunted him, voice dripping in sarcasm.

Jungwoo shot you an annoyed, and yet hurt look, before finishing his story. “And that’s how Johnny found out he was allergic to shellfish.”

“Okay. What the fuck? I’m literally so confused.” You cut him off before he could recount his story again. “I don’t really need to hear it again though. Thanks.”

He whined before laying his legs over yours, giving up.

For a few moments, things were quiet as you checked the time. It had already been thirty minutes, where was he?

You rolled your head to the side, finally focusing on the whiteboard that had what scribbles of writing over it. 

“What’s the tally for?” You asked, scrunching your nose at the whiteboard that was situated on the far wall of the room.

“Hmmm? The tally?” Jungwoo glanced around looking slightly nervous which had you even more curious. “It’s just a game.”

“Game? What game?” You laughed turning back to see the strikes adorning the board. “It looks like Johnny’s winning.”

“Uhh...” Again with the nervous glances.

You giggled, “You’re losing, aren’t you?” The spot under his name had the fewest tallies and you figured that’s why he was being so shy about it.

Jaehyun entered the room, seemingly in a very important conversation by the way that he was speaking animatedly.

“The game’s over on Friday and Johnny’s gonna win.” 

“That’s so stupid. He hasn’t bagged any since Y/N, how is he still gonna win?” Yuta complained all but scowling at the floor, neither of them had yet to notice your presence.

You frowned at the mention of your name, not liking the term ‘bagging’ to be in such close proximity with your name.

“Oh, Mark has a new strike, looks like he finally got Claire into bed.” Yuta continued snorting, “Took him long enough.”

“Wait, what the fuck? How the hell did Taeyong get two strikes?” Jaehyun, squinted at the board.

Yuta snorted, “He had a threesome last night. Can you believe it? This close to the end? It’s like he’s actually trying to compete now.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” You muttered, effectively catching their attention.

“Y/N.” Jaehyun breathed out, eyes wide and darting between you and Jungwoo who was obviously trying to get them to stop talking. “Hey... what’s up? When did you get here?”

“Ummm.... no. What the fuck is going on?”

“What do you mean?” Jaehyun cocked his head, doing his best to pretend like he wasn’t panicking.

“No, I don’t want your bullshit. Just tell me what this game is.” You were using anger to hide your fear. You could feel the pounding of your heart in your head, a throbbing sensation that gave way to a sinking feeling of realization. 

At that moment, when his eyes finally met yours. Not Jaehyun’s, not Yuta’s, but Johnny’s as he walked in the room with that fucking stupid smile you felt your last will got out the window. It was at that moment that everything came crashing down. 

“Y/N, please can’t we just talk?” Johnny chased after you, begging you to turn around.

“You promised.”

Johnny’s heart dropped at your words, and his chest started closing in in fear. The burning feeling in his throat had him choking, panicking in belated realization.

It wasn’t just the words that you said, it was the way that you said it. So defeated, so broken. So betrayed.

“You promised that you wouldn’t hurt me. Do you remember that? Did you even mean that?” You felt the tears brimming, and you fought the best you could to keep them down. But your wobbling voice let him know.

“Of course I meant it.” He answered breathlessly. “You know me, I don’t say things that I don’t mean.”

“Do I? Do I know you?” You huffed out. “Because I really thought you were someone different.”

“No, I- I’m still me. I’m still Johnny. I just...”

“You just what? You just lied about our entire relationship? If it was even that, because I was just another tally to you wasn’t I? Just another tally on a stupid whiteboard for a stupid game.” 

You choked back the tears that were burning in your throat, not bothering to wipe at the ones that managed to escape.

“You know what hurts the most? I actually thought you liked me. I actually thought that you meant all those things that you said to me.”

“I did mean it. I meant every single word, and I still do. Nothing was a lie, my feelings were real. Please just listen to me, I can explain.” He stepped closer, but you took a step back, keeping the distance.

“Explain what? I already heard everything for myself. What are you gonna say, that Jaehyun and Yuta were lying? Hmmm? That it wasn’t a game? That that’s not the reason that you approached me?”

“I...” He couldn’t find any words, because you were right. Every single word that you said was right. He struggled to catch his breath, panicking. “Please don’t leave me.”

“Give me one reason why I shouldn’t leave.”

“I love you. I need you. I can’t- I can’t imagine life without you.”

“That’s not enough.” You clenched your jaw, face going slack. It was as if you were losing the will to even be heartbroken over this.

“Please, I-I’ll do anything, what do you want me to do?” He begged, eye brows nearly touching as they furrowed.

“I don’t want anything from you, just stay away from me.” You mumbled out, avoiding his eyes.

“Baby, please.”

“Don’t fucking call me that, I’m not yours, I never was.” You snapped at him, backing away.

“I’m sorry.” He mumbled under his breath and he wasn’t sure if it was meant for you or himself.

“So I’m kinda going rogue here. I know you already hate me, but try not to hate me anymore than you already do.”

Johnny didn’t look anywhere except for you.

The professor seemed to humor him, allowing one of his favorite students to continue with an amused smile on his face.

You on the other hand did not. 

You stared at Johnny with a straight face, trying your best to not look flustered.

“The whole point of this assignment was to find someone that changed our lives. But my partner and I struggled to find someone. It’s not that we didn’t have great people around us, its not even that we don’t have people that we admired. It was because no one we came up with really seemed genuine to us. But I found someone. I finally found someone that I could trust, that I let in. But I did something really stupid and fucked it up- excuse my language.”

You watched him stand behind the podium, looking smaller than he ever did.

“You know, before I met you I didn’t think that my life needed changing. I thought I was doing just fine. But then I realized that I wasn’t. I was struggling to even feel normal, to feel like I was living for something. Y/N you helped me find home. Remember when I said that you only understand that you were already home until you lose it? Well I feel it now. And it feels like shit.”

You sucked in a sharp breath, a feeling in the back of your throat burning.

“Y/N. You’re the person who changed my life. And I don’t even deserve that. But I’m here, standing in front of you like a fool because I’m whining about losing the best thing that ever happened to me.” 

For a moment you thought he was done, because the silence was deafening.

“Even if you sill hate me after this, I want you to know that you mean more to me than anything else. You are the person that changed my life. You are my person, and I want so badly to be yours.”

There was a beat of silence as he ended abruptly, taking a seat on the other side of the room, eyes still locked on you.

Your professor stood up with a clap. “Well, thank you Johnny for that... interesting presentation.” A wide smile was still on his face despite his word choice. “I guess we should end on that then. Second batch of presentations is on Friday, please be prepared.”

The students of your class stood, shuffling out the exit, voices murmuring to each other. 

You sat on the bench outside your lecture hall, watching as Johnny made his way nervously to you.

“You’re an idiot.” You told him as he approached you, bottom lip wobbling against your will. Eventually you broke. “But you’re my idiot.”

Johnny felt a drop of relief in his stomach as he felt like his heart would burst.

“You’ve totally botched our presentation by the way. If we fail it it’s on you.” You shoved him away teasingly.

Johnny grinned, throwing his arm over your shoulder. 

“Yeah? Well, I think we did better than you think. I think that things are gonna turn out just fine.”

(sorry, i was supposed to write a full angst, but i couldn’t help myself.)

© Copyright 2021. hyuckssunchip. All rights reserved.

[whaleofatjme1920]

HEY B GIMMIE THAT SWEET SWEET RIVAL MATCHUP U ALREADY KNO

You already know who this is but ill still give u a hot rundown: My names Ally, im 20 years old 5’7’’ and a Leo/year of the dragon/INFP. She/They pronouns and im Pansexual but i dont think that matters much in this situation >:P. Appearance wise i have shoulder length curly red hair and green/grey eyes, suuuuper pale skin and freckles. Im def an ambivert, very protective of people who mean alot to me and kind of sharp tempered, especially when people start talking about shit they dont know anything about. Im also a pretty big perfectionist and people pleaser and will beat the FUCK outta myself if i feel like i let people down or made people upset when i could have helped it. But thats all about me, heres those wacky questions!

- Stated before, but im an August Leo! I would say my aura would probably be a pinkish/ purple color? For dislikes i def dont like bitter foods, being too hot, rumors, people talking behind my back, ppl who act like they know what theyre talking about, ppl cutting me off when i lose my train of thought, conservatives, not caring about climate change/the planet in general, tight or restrictive clothes, not having enough time in the day, capitalism, ect. Honestly the most off the wall thing for me that would make me throw hands on sight would probably be someone saying some shit about my close friends behind their back to me.

- Once when I was 14 me and about 10 other people squeezed into a mini van at about 3am and drove around the town, not a single one of us had a license or were over the age of 16, and we were all ridiculously drunk and high the entire time (except the driver. we were underage, not stupid). After driving halfway across the island we got pulled over by cop on the interstate, and he walked up to the car, looked at the driver, then into the passenger seat and saw literally 10 KIDS OBVIOUSLY DRINKING and the car absolutely reeked of bud, then looked back at the driver and simply told him “Your tail light is out. Get home safe” and drove away. Ive never seen god faster than that moment LMAO

- I could never willingly fight a raccoon, youre sick for suggesting that >:/ They are precious boys and ive saved too many from drowning in my pool for me to lay a finger on one. And as for dealbreakers? My biggest one in a relationship is cheating, but thats pretty basic LMAO. I would also say one that’s definitely second in rank would be expecting someone to stay the same through out the relationship and getting upset when the person changes. We are human beings and developing and growing, if you dont support me in that nothing is going to work. I explained a bunch of things i dislike in people above, but ill also add in here people who hurt animals in any way/ litter for no reason. If one of my friends throws a piece of trash out of my car im slammin on the brakes and youre getting out and picking it up. And god forBID you touch an animal around me il doing whatever you did to it to yourself no hesitation.

- I would hate being stuck in a room with anyone, i have decently bad claustrophobia and if we were in there for more than a day i would start bugging out LOL But probably the worst type of person would be someone who just doesn’t shut up and trys to act like they know everything. Those are like, the most insufferable people to me. ESPECIALLY if theyre wrong and refuse to admit it. Whenever i think of being locked in a room, somehow i always imagine like a dark navy blue room with one small window and completely empty floors and walls, everything made out of carpet. Dont ask me why, i have absolutely no clue.

my feed back is ily bitch gimmie a good one i wanna fight a bitch

Your enemy is… Eyeless Jack!

In general:

I told you this yesterday but I wasn’t expecting you to send this in and must've spent like 5 straight minutes wheezing reading this. My gut reaction was Jeff, but based on what you wrote about the room, I’m going to say your enemy is actually Eyeless Jack!

Things he doesn’t like about you and how he pisses you off:

EJ doesn’t like that you’re a Leo. I’m not elaborating on that. He’s such a cold, clinical, heartless bastard that everything you are just goes against whatever tf he actually believes and acts as. I feel like you being a perfectionist would just brush against his perfectionist tendencies and habits. He’d say everything you’re doing is wrong. Just a dick. EJ may or may not exploit your weaknesses but that’s just because he thinks it’s fun and doesn’t like you.

EJ is a god of knowing what he’s talking about and it leads to this cocky, know it all attitude. It’s gonna brush you the wrong way. He knows that and takes joy in it. He will always attempt to one up you in knowledge and grin when he sees you falter. On the other end, if you catch him off guard he’s gonna be SO MAD. He will purposely turn up the heat in your presence just to make you upset. He will breathe down your neck and get in your personal space just to make you more uncomfortable. EJ isn’t anywhere NEAR a conservative or a climate change denier but he will take those positions just to make you mad and laugh over your attempts at arguing with him. Like Jeff, he’s a huge devil’s advocate and will start shit just because he can. I don’t actually think he’d talk about your friends negatively in front of you though, but he would definitely say stuff about you to your face.

EJ thinks it’s stupid you drank underage and will poke that memory. He will use insults about alcohol and the brain despite drinking a ton himself. If you call him out on it, he will fold. Literally throw everything he says about you back at him and he will get puffy and fast. EJ can’t always handle change that well so like, he’s a stubborn guy. Despite how logical he can be and how smart he is, socially he is so uncouth!! EJ doesn’t litter so you don’t have to worry about that but he’s definitely gonna do things that push your buttons, mostly say things that put you off. He’s not claustrophobic. He will put you in situations like that just because he can. The dark navy blue of his mask is going to haunt you. EJ will act like a god in your presence and snarl when you dare question his abilities. CALL HIM OUT. HUMBLE HIM PLEASE.

He agrees on the raccoon thing ngl. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, but EJ has such a soft spot for animals - mostly birds - but he can’t fault you for the raccoon thing. He's also not too fond of litter so he has to agree with you on that one too.

Closing Thoughts/Other Things:

Knowing you for as long as I have, I was so, so ready to actually put you with Jeff. However, the more I read into this the more my intuition screeched that you would actually throw hands with EJ and I find that HILARIOUS. Just the arguments between you and this tall, muscular demon man is just - “what? What? WHAT” It’s beautiful. I’m serious, Merida vs. a literal demon. That’s all. Ily. <3

[kuhakuwu]

So I never use tumblr but so don’t think I have anyone to like tell this to or just say it. I feel so lost and alone right now in my life and that’s my fault. I’m writing this 5:55am just finished streaming on twitch and just thought a lot that I couldn’t even really play the game how I like.

I’ve recently gotten out of a relationship and it isn’t either of our faults. It really hurt the both of us that as we love each other so much that we couldn’t be together because of specific reasons. Not to go into the details but just know it’s super painful and heartbreaking for the both of us. Now to explain my feelings and my thoughts. Sigh. I wasn’t truly a shitty person but my actions and the things I was saying was hurtful to the other person. I was angry, lost, shattered whatever cold shallow feeling you can think of it was there. I really shouldn’t have said those things and I really don’t know how to tell that person that I’m just hurt, sad, angry, and lost. I think it ruined her and not only me but the people around me. I wouldn’t doubt if people thought of me as a piece of shit or an asshole after. I’d probably agree and accept that. I want to say sorry and I want to show them I’m sorry but I don’t want it to seem half assed or like I’m just saying it to just say it. It’s hard and I’m struggling so much. If the person even reads this because they do have a tumblr but I don’t know how often they even check it or would even see this. I just have to say this.

I’m sorry for the things I’ve said this past week. I’m bad at coping at the loss of our relationship. You really do mean the world to me and I cant stress this enough. I’ve really never loved anyone as I loved you and I don’t think I could even love anyone again because they wouldn’t even come close to you. Its almost like I’m in this empty void and as I sit here I always get these sporadic thoughts about you whenever I see something I’m like wow she would love that or she would smile at this. I go the whole day thinking about us and the memories we had together. It’s made it hard for me to even focus on college. I go to sleep and sure enough you’re there and I just miss every second of you. I miss everything. The way you talk, smile, and laugh. The small things that make you well you. It’s hard I feel like it’s really the end of the world without you and I’m finding it hard to keep my head up and move on. I said before that I can just move on like that but at the end of the day truth is I can’t. I cry so much. Just know that I’m hoping that one day I can get to a point in my life in the future to where I’m acceptable enough to date you and even marry you. I hope that you don’t find someone in the future but if you do I’m glad it’s just gonna be difficult for me to really get over that fact. Im really just going anywhere with this but I guess if I wanted to sum it up in short and just vent.

Again I’m sorry and I’ll always forever be sorry. I love you still more than anything and anyone. I really want to be with you but I don’t even have a clue if I ruined that future chance because of my words and actions. I don’t know but I’m gonna continue to work hard and get to a place where I have a chance even if it’s the slightest chance it’s something for me to aim for. I love you so much and I hope you feel the same way still and maybe even in the future. Hell I don’t know if you’ll even see this. Right person just wrong time but maybe in the future I can be the right person at the right time. Just I’ve really never felt this way about anyone or even went on to write something like this. I feel silly and stupid. I hope you forgive me is all and I honestly hope that I have you in the future as a partner for life. I love you always and forever I truly do.

Thanks to anyone who read this and made it this far. I don’t use tumblr at all but I’ve thought of it as a safe space to kinda just put your thoughts out there. So thank you for anyone that took the time to read this. I appreciate it and it means a lot. I’m just someone that’s so in love and so devastated at the same time. I miss her so much every single day and every single second of my life. If true love and fate is real this is what and who I believe I was meant to be with.

Dec 1st 2021

[thelifetimechannel]

[chokememrstark]

Requiem Of Memories // Part 8

Ship: Samifer (Sam Winchester / Lucifer)

Words: 2007 (Chapter 8 / 15)

Fic Summary: While waiting for Lucifer to return, Sam has a chat with the demon that interrupted them and finds out who she actually is. He's shocked by the discovery, but he can't help but like her somehow.

angst, hurt & comfort, alternative universe, au!lucifer, mourning, depression, blood and gore, nightmares, loneliness

Note: I highly recommend to read Nightmares Become Reality before this, otherwise the premise of the story and the setting might not make much sense.

Sorry for the delay again, I’m really not reliable ._.

Tagging: @shebahda @sassysupernaturalsweetheart  @spnyoucantkeepmedown   @brieflymaximumprincess  @kajuned @archingangel @this-darkness-light @secretlydaydreaminglifeaway @humongouscandycoffee

If you want off the tag list or want to be added, just drop me an ask or IM!

Read on AO3!

Sam waited and waited, but Lucifer didn’t return. Hours passed and Sam didn't know what to do with himself. He was worried sick, constantly torn between wanting to scream and cry. What if something happened to Lucifer? What if he couldn’t fight off whatever had attacked his people? Or what if he was captured and tortured and Sam had no way of finding and saving him? He didn’t know this world, didn’t know the rules or where the other side was hiding and what they were planning… he was basically a helpless child at the moment.

The demon on the bed - a short, young woman with wavy black hair and almost invisible horns - was still unconscious and covered with blood and dirt, so eventually, just to pass some time, Sam went to the bathroom and got a bowl of water and a few cloths and towels. He had no idea if she would wake up and kill him because he dared to touch her or not, after all Lucifer’s demons were not very keen about his presence, but he couldn't worry about that too now.

As careful as possible, Sam cleaned the blood off her face, then her arms. He was sure that there was more blood underneath her clothes, but he wouldn’t undress her for sure, that would only make her angry. Instead, he got one of his hair brushes and got rid of the dried blood in her hair before washing the rest away with clear water. When he was done almost an hour had passed and he managed to get rid of almost all the blood and dirt. Sam doubted that it changed anything, but it didn’t hurt at least.

After putting everything away, including the bloody towels and cloths, Sam continued his pacing through the room that he interrupted before. He took books out of their shelves and put them back without looking into them, stood by the window and searched for any sign of a fight or Lucifer, even tidied up what didn’t need to be tidied up at all. He was restless, worried and nauseous, and there was just nothing he could do about it. It was making him mad. His head ran wild with horrible scenarios of what might be happening right now and he wished for nothing more than to be able to shut all his thoughts off for even a minute.

While he stared out of the window once more, Sam suddenly heard a groan behind him and spun around. It was the demon, she had woken up and was pressing a hand against her head now while sitting up. Immediately, the hunter rushed towards the bed and knelt down.

“Hey, you woke up! Thank god.”

“Yeah, as if He had anything to do with that,” the demon scoffed and began checking herself for injuries. Sam ignored her sarcasm.

“Lucifer healed you, but he’s still gone,” he said quickly. “I cleaned all the blood I could see away while you were out, I hope that’s okay.”

“Sure, whatever,” she said and gave him an estimating glare.

Sam realized that she would not share his worries or even care for them. For a moment he forgot that Lucifer’s demons didn’t like him, he was too worried for that. But her reaction made it clear that she couldn’t have cared less about him or anything he did.

“Sorry, I’ll leave you alone,” Sam sighed and pushed himself back up. “Lucifer said he’ll be back soon, he didn’t want you to be alone for now.”

“Typical,” the demon huffed and rolled her eyes. “Still thinks I’m incapable of handling things myself.”

“Well, you were pretty battered when you came here, so…”

“You would be too if dozens of angels attacked you out of the blue,” she hissed and glared at him again. “I still don’t know what the hell happened, they shouldn’t have been able to even be there…”

“Angels attacked you?” Sam asked surprised.

“What did you expect, demons? Of course they were angels. Little winged bastards and their pets.”

“I thought…” Sam stopped, biting his tongue. What did he think anyways? His first instinct would have been demons, but she was right. After all, the demons were attacked, so that was stupid.

“I hope he will manage,” the demon suddenly interrupted Sam’s thoughts with a very worried voice. “They seemed to be very organized and knew where to hit us for the most damage, that’s unusual.”

“How did you manage to get out of there?”

“I fought one of their beasts off and ran, what else? The others were still fighting but I had to get help. We can defend ourselves, but they were just so many.”

Sam was even more worried than before now. What the demon said sounded very dangerous indeed. He knew Lucifer was strong, at least he assumed he was, given that he was an archangel, but that didn’t ease his worries at all. And why were they even attacked in the first place? What was the reason behind this? Apparently these things didn’t happen more often, or the demon wouldn’t be surprised.

“Hey, Giant!”

Sam shook his head and looked back at the demon, totally taken aback by the sudden interruption, especially with such a nickname.

“How about you make yourself useful and bring me some water?”

“Excuse me?” Sam blinked surprised. “Am I your butler and didn’t get the memo?”

“Ugh, sorry,” she rolled her eyes over-dramatically. “Would you please get me a glass of water?”

Sam huffed to hide his confusion, but did her the favor. He got a glass of fresh water from his own stash and brought it over to the bed, waiting for her to finish it. Apparently demons got thirsty too, who would have guessed?

“Thank you,” she said when the glass was empty and put it on the nightstand. “Sorry for being so rude, I’m not in a good mood right now.”

“Forget it,” Sam waved his hand. “You’ve just been attacked after all. And you seem worried too.”

“Of course I’m worried,” she sighed. “We just rebuilt our safe zone in Detroit a few months ago, we didn’t expect another attack so soon.”

“Do things like that happen often?” Sam asked and pulled a chair closer to the bed to sit down. “That they attack you, I mean.”

“They do it quite often, but this safe zone was unknown to them,” she narrowed her eyes in concentration. “The last one they attacked wasn’t as safe, it was just an old factory building we used for storage purposes while building up the actual safe zone.”

“And you have no idea how they found it?” Sam asked and she shook her head.

“Not a clue. We were warded against angels, hunters and everything else, but they still found us. Maybe we have a rat somewhere in our ranks.”

“Damn, that would suck,” Sam hissed. If they actually had a rat, no place was safe and he knew that. “I hope Lucifer comes back soon…”

“Me too,” she sighed. “I hate when we have to call him to help us, that’s what we are there for after all. To defend our zones. Lucifer has bigger things to do.”

“I’m sure he’ll be fine,” Sam tried to assure her, sadly without much cogency. “I’ve never seen him so serious before…”

“He can get pretty intimidating when he’s serious,” the demon laughed and shook her head. “You shouldn’t anger him, just a small warning. It’s not fun when he’s angry.”

“Yeah, I figured that much,” Sam huffed. “I’m Sam, by the way. But you probably know that already.”

“Of course, everyone does,” the demon said and rolled her eyes. “You’re famous amongst demons already. You can call me Megan, or Meg for short, I don’t care.”

Sam thought his jaw would fall off by how fast it dropped. Meg? Did she just say Meg? That couldn’t be, she didn’t look like Meg at all!

“Are you having a stroke?” Meg asked, poking Sam’s shoulder with her finger.

“No… no, I’m fine...” Sam mumbled, totally baffled. He couldn’t believe this was actually Meg, but now that he looked at her a bit closer, he realized that it could be. Her vessel was different, but kind of similar to the Meg he knew, or not? The same hair, the same height apparently and, if he’d squint his eyes, even her face could be the same, just… a bit younger maybe. And with horns, even if they were rather small and less intimidating than the ones he had seen on other demons so far.

“You look like you’ve just seen a ghost of something,” Meg scoffed.

“That’s one way to put it.” Sam cleared his throat and tried to act normal again. “I’m just surprised. I… I knew a demon named Meg in my world too.”

“Right, Lucifer mentioned something about you coming from a parallel world. So it’s true?”

“Yeah, kind of. It’s a bit complicated,” Sam scratched his head awkwardly. “This world is very different from mine.”

“What is your world like?” Meg asked curious, to which Sam couldn’t suppress a jerk of his lips.

“It’s… greener. I don’t know, but I guess that’s the best way to describe it. The apocalypse didn’t end like this there, we managed to stop it just in time.” Sam was surprised he could talk about this so easily, but it just happened.

“You stopped it, really? So, your world wasn’t destroyed like ours?”

“No,” Sam shook his head. “It’s pretty normal, I guess. We still fight demons and monsters of course, but most humans don’t even know any of them exist.”

“I knew it, you’re a hunter!” Meg exclaimed, but not in a good way. “You have these eyes, this look that all hunters have.”

“We have a look?”

“Oh yes,” she huffed. “You all have it, it comes with the job. It makes our skins crawl and be on edge as soon as you are close.”

“I didn’t know that,” Sam marveled. He wondered if this was a thing only in this world or if the demons he had met had seen the same things in his eyes.

“You don’t look like you’re about to kill me though, why not?”

“Why should I kill you?” Sam asked surprised. “You’re a demon, sure, but I don’t wanna kill you. I don’t want to kill anyone anymore to be honest. I’m tired of it.”

“Could you have a chat with our hunters so they feel the same?” Meg asked, to which both of them had to laugh a little. “I mean, if you have time and all.”

“I’ll check my calendar,” Sam grinned and Meg chuckled again.

“I like you, Sam,” Meg suddenly said, startling the hunter for a moment. “Don’t get me wrong, I hate hunters, but you’re not that bad actually. A bit wimpy looking, but I guess that’s because you’re human.”

“Says the one that looks like a little girl,” Sam scoffed with a smile. “Excuse me, okay? I’m double your size, I could break you in half.”

“I would love to see you try, Giant.”

“Sorry, but I don’t hit girls.”

Sam had expected Meg to be much more resentful towards him, but she didn’t seem to be like the other demons he had seen here so far. He wasn’t convinced that this wasn’t just an act, but for a few moments he found it nice to not be faced with hate from those who followed Lucifer.

“Do you think he’ll come back soon?” Meg suddenly asked, the concern back in her voice. “I know he is strong and all, but there were so many of them this time.”

“He promised he’d be back, so he will,” Sam said confidently. He was worried out of his mind, but Lucifer had promised to come back and he believed in his promise.

“I hope you’re right,” Meg sighed. “If he doesn’t come back we are screwed.”

“He’ll be back, you’ll see. He’ll be back.”