#im not free. and if i was free i’d kill myself on accident

[myfirstandlast]

my depression is reaching unsalvageable levels and i don’t know what to do im quite scared and i don’t have anyone around me for protection or support

[pocketramblr]

Poll Results

Alright, that’s it, i’m tired of trying to sort the answers so yall just get the big list of all the free response answers to that quiz about ofa. be aware some are less safe for work than others.

memorable ones: OfA Snickerdoodle, I’d Give It To A Cat, So You Know Vore Right?, I’m in Love With Nana, Slicey Blood Oath, and Homoerotic Sword Fight

(My answer above is how I think it did happen, not how I want it to happen.) I personally think something along the lines of a Bruce Banner Jennifer Walker blood transfusion where the OFA holder doesn’t realize they’ve passed it on until later.

a tender kiss. perhaps loving. perhaps they're dying, and i already knew that they loved me, either platonically or otherwise, and we always knew that i'd be next. perhaps they tried so hard to make sure it never happened, and perhaps that tender kiss as an apology as much as it is a gift. sure sucks to be gay i guess 

Peacefully? By doing the do and making it a wonderful moment of lovemaking and passing on the future.. If we're in the middle of battle you bet your freaking butt I want them to kiss me dramatically, tell me they love me, and then yeet me away as they turn back to the fight. Ow but relationship goals. 

If we're not romantic because I am obsessed with the Duo Holders ship currently, blood works fine. Ingest it or have them pressing a bloody palm into a wound of mine *shrugs* Gotta pass it along somehow

Personally, I'd rather drink blood instead of hair. It feels less gross. But I'd pass it on as hair just to fuck with my successor

Hair or blood eating, but no touchy-touchy or whatever thx.

Probably a vial of blood so it’s easy and over quick

kiss 👉👈

i would like it to be blood from an already opened wound just cause it would probably less weird, ..........but knowing my luck and because irl my sister has attempted to feed me her baby teeth by shoving it to my lips and saying "eat", thats actually how i would get ofa. ( >:/ i have almost eaten at least two teeth this way because i thought she was being nice and giving me candy )

Consider: doing one of those blood oath things where you swear to be BFFs for eternity except now you also get a quirk out of it. But lbr kissing is way more romantic and you’ve made First/Second my new OTP, so I’ll stick with that for them. <3 But also, maybe to make the kiss option more romantic First thought something more along the lines of wishing he could give ~everything he has/all of himself~ to Second which counted as including his quirk, rather than specifically about giving him the power to defeat his brother?

This is going to sound gross but all ways of transferring DNA is. Just work up a sweat and have the other party drink it. It would probably be the best tasting option which is kinda a weird thing to think about. Nvm sweat doesn't contain DNA looked it up but I don't want to delete all of this so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ maybe a scraping of skin cells

Honestly the hair is probably the way I'd want to go. That or blood. Like just swallowing it.

Look, i know realistically it was probably some desparate on-the-brink-of-death "please defeat my brother" thing and oo, magic he gets the quirk. But consider. First's last fight with afo. Second is holding his bleeding body, crying. First gently cups Second's cheek and pulls him into a bloody kiss before dying. Second pulls himself together just long enough to flip off afo, barely resisting the urge to absolutely slaughter him, knowing he would lose. He finds his successor and trains him to the best of his ability, determined to not lose another person he cared for

I mean like dead skin cells probably dont work right? Except hair works so thats not true. So like you totally could lick someone to get OFA. Like could you imagine the whole holding your hand over someones mouth to shut them up but they lick you and they somehow wind up with your quirk, like crazy. What must have been the trial and error with this stuff cause they must have kept passing it inbetween each other to figure out its dna right. How long did it take for them to realize. Like you’re eating breakfast and theres a hair in your food like ew and why am i stronger now. Overall, comedic timing for getting a quirk would be hilarious.

My apprentice lays broken and bloody beneath me as I cradle them in my arms, crying on to an open wound on their face praying the power will be enough to save them

little bit of skin like a hang nail just like put it in a sandwich and dont thing about it

Put it in my coffee.

If I received it from Nana then I would love to have received it via eating her out~ though for passing it on to others I think I would just either spit into their mouths or shove a bleeding finger down their throat until they swallow and then run and get myself killed by AfO while taunting him with "I DON'T HAVE YOUR BROTHER'S QUIRK ANYMORE! SUCK MY NON-EXISTENT DICK YOU LOSER!"

knock me out and just inject the blood. if i have to actively think abt ingesting someone elses dna im gonna yeet myself into the ocean. to pass it on i'll just spit in a cup (or in their mouth) bc im not gonna make someone eat my hair nor is anyone getting my blood

who in their right mind would trust me with a power like ofa 💀afo just looks at me funny the quirk is his. im not a mc for a reason

Sexy battle where I’m the villain, and randomly the hero thinks “I wish I could save you”. Boom I punch them with bloody knuckles and the quirk passes to me. Now the hero has to teach me how to be good again. Also we fall in love.

You know, I always assumed I would head canon it as something romantic until canon proved me wrong But these options are so varied - I had to choose the most Dramatic (tm) one As for my actual answer: a gentle kiss with full consent from both parties

I will bite a holder as a sign of affection. There's probably some dead skin cells in the arm I can swallow by accident. They are used to this and sometimes we switch the quirk around for funsies.

You know, I spent like 10 minutes trying to think of something original here, but knowing my shit luck some bastard would spit in my drink or something and cast upon me the Curse of Bone Breaking and/or.... y’know..... AFO...........

okay this is gonna sound weird but. consider this i marry a very lovely women. we are in much love. we get attacked by evil people because she is a good hero but plot twist. i am secretly her nemisis. the attackers are my minions. i wanted her to protect me because i am very smol but. my comrades were too mean. she is nearly dead. "take this" she says. she kisses me and i am one for all. fuck, i say internally, but i dont tell her. she dies in my arms. i run and become vigilante and take down my once comrades. all is not well. i die unsatisfied. i eventually pass it onto a cat in an alleyway because they are the only one who is with me when i get hit with a back alley sniper

Blood or just like. skin. You could use nail clippers to take a bit off from a really fleshy area, like just under the nail. It's that easy

Spit in my food like an underpaid fast food worker.

i have long hair so that would not be ideal, but blood seems kinda...unsanitary, but i guess it would be better if i was 100% positive i wouldn't pass on some sort of disease. so if that could be ascertained then like a few drops of blood in a glass of water or something and then down the hatch, bam ofa passed on. i know other folks are probably typing some nsfw stuff but just. no. keep it in your pants y'all.

Blood transfusion First, pick a hospital Second, steal all their blood Third, have the previous user donate their blood to that hospital Fourth, get into a major accident and need a blood transfusion near the hospital you robbed Fifth, hope either OfA will only pass onto you bc your the intended recipient, or that no one else needs a blood transfusion Sixth, get the transfusion Seventh, steal all of the previous users blood back Eigth, return all the other stolen blood Ninth, get new identities, this crime leaves DNA everywhere Tenth, die of a blood clot due to incompatible blood types (optional)

okay realistically bleeding into a cut or a drop of blood into water and drinking it would be easiest but like... what if somehow dna could be baked into like a muffin or cookie or something... like i know when cooking with wines and stuff the alcohol cooks away and evaporates out but is that process the same for like blood? like if you baked your blood into a cookie would traces of your dna still be there? basically i want an ofa cookie (snickerdoodle preferably)

no i like my bones

drink a drop of blood. it'd go down easier than hair

no

Something dramatic and desperate in the heat of battle like blood or something

First of all, I think First passed OfA as he was dying entirely on accident, because Second was badly (though not critically) injured and they'd been sort of dancing around each other's feelings and doubting their own worth, so First, knowing he was dying and that his brother was a petty bitch who would probably kill Second anyway because he knows that First cared about him, kisses Second with blood on his lips and his last thoughts before dying are about how he wants Second to have the strength to survive if his brother comes after him.

If I was given the option of getting OfA, I wouldn't take it. I'm a coward and being given something like that is a death sentence.

If it was forced, probably ingesting the previous users blood, because blood is a lot easier to choke down than hair.

If I already had it and had to pass it on, I would want it to be something suitably dramatic like collapsing on the doorstep of a trusted loved one and explaining with my dying breath who killed me and why and then raising my blood covered hand to their face like I was going to caress their cheek only for them to taste blood. They cry and try to get me take it back and when I finally die they swear vengeance over my slowly cooling corpse.

Pass it on in a non-life threatening scenario where I decide I actually don’t like the weird bone breaking power a random person gave me as they were dying and wish I could pass it to someone else and through a weird set of circumstances end up accidentally cooking some of my own hair into brownies I was making because I shed like a dog and passing it to my new neighbor I came to welcome to the neighborhood.

Either drinking a glass of milk with their saliva (no icky hair taste), or an epic sharing of blood while clasping hands like knights in a noble brotherhood!

not by eating all mights long ass hair thats for sure, why did he give midoriya one of the longest ones he had, he has shorter hair right there on the back of his head. not to mention the fact of like how i would prefer to recieve it or give it away which would be just, fucking sharing a pop or something and swaping it through the backwash??? less nasty than hair and not as weird as the other options for spit which is like straight up spitting in a drink or the other persons mouth outside of kissing. if someone told me i had to eat their hair i would straight up say no thanks, cheers for the fitness glow up tho homie

I want nana 2 kiss me, on.,, the m,,,.."#*(@÷out.h pretty lady.,

Q-tip to the inside of the cheek

Those blood pacts where you slice your hands open and do a little handshake thing. Not very creative, but idk it just appeals to me

Via consumption of blood, babey

I would want it to be with a maybe maybe not homoerotic sword fight in a Wendy's parking lot, preferably while we are both being impaled on each other's swords. The sweet pain of almost dying is a very intense moment to share isn't it?

Sweet love

Hair

If it's someone cute, a kiss. Otherwise I'd probably just swallow a hair with some water.

i'd just like. spit in their water bottle. if thats not enough dna i guess licking a paper cut it is. hair is bad idwa bc it doesn't digest and can get wrapped up in things. and like. im too aroace for kissing and such

Last option, cause first is sexy as hell

okay you know what vore is, right. and you know how blood and organ transfusions work? well...

Not at all, like?? I enjoy being alive and not having my body destroyed thank you. Literally everyone with OfA died young-ish or has suffered debilitating injuries bc of it. Like Midoriya's bones are powder, and we don't even need to go into All Might's medical history. Like thanks but no thanks no freaky dna ingestion 4 me

Had a open cut from a can lid and ofa holder had an open cut. While lamenting about fins a successor.

Blood

Assuming we can bypass the rules of canon, it would be funny as fuck is OFA was passed on by intentional physical contact. So yes, a smooch for First and Second (and Second and Third) but also. Bitchslap of destiny. Nana giving her protege one last hug. All Might ruffles Mido’s hair like a dad to pass it on. I’m sure you get it

Bleeding over an open wound

lil bit of spit in a milkshake.

I hold their hand Platonically but it's summer and we're both sweaty and they're a little loopy and having weird thoughts due to dehydration and heat lmao, literally hanging around anyone for any extended period of time guarantees you accidentally ingest SOME of their dna. Dead skin cells are floating through the air ~constantly~ and if you have a friend I promise you've inhaled their dead skin cells before. Have fun with that knowledge!!

ok so like deffo a kiss, but in canon people get weird biological urges for using their quirks, like bby Toga drinking bird blood. First has had a LOT of "spit in their drink" intrusive thoughts over the years. immediately post first-kiss he is mystified that his intrusive thoughts have disappeared entirely, but then BAM it seems that second has the stockpile now, and with it, a preoccupation with vampire lore

drink from the same water bottle?

“EAT THIS!”

Pass it on by making them lick my arm because that would make them rly uncomfortable, passed to me by spiting in my 20oz Red Bull and then chugging it

[cparti-mkiki]

3, 10, 18, 20 for the historical figures ask!! :-D ❤️

Thank you for your ask :DD

3. Do you have a nickname for them?

Nicknaming the king of Spain.. the Audacity…. prison, PRISON for one hundred years—

But anyway, given the respect I have for any past, present or future monarchs: I guess I like to call him by his full baptism name because of the parental scolding ring to it :P (also because Felipe Domingo Victor de la Cruz is a funky name for a king)

A more functional nickname feat. @master-of-the-opera-house would be Ground Floor Philip, because his sarcophagus is on the bottom row in the royal crypt of el Escorial. Bottom shelf Philip? :D

[As an addendum,,, the meme name for the current king of Spain, Philip VI (Felipe Sexto) is Felpudo Sexo (Sex Doormat)— doormat because constitutionally he can’t do shit, and sex because it’s Right There— which is an incredibly funny nickname to me and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t half think of my own doormat Philip when I hear it]

10. What is your favourite quote by / about them?

<3 <3 <3 I think my favorite excerpt BY him is from his correspondence with the Countess of Paredes:

“As for myself, God be praised, I am in good health, and free of those ailments [corrimientos] you mention, and I hope to always remain so, thanks to this new medicine I have— especially now that I’m over forty-four years old, an age where one is less likely to give in to these accidents, and I thank you very much for the care and worry you have regarding my health and towards ensuring that I might live ever healthy.”

[To the Countess, October 18, 1649]

I don't think this is clear without context, but here he’s responding to what we can only assume are the Countess’ reproaches regarding his past serial infidelity, and in turn he’s assuring her that he won't do that again with his brand new wife, pretending it’s about health. It’s clearer in Spanish, because the word corrimientos can be taken to mean both an illness (like a cold) and romantic adventures.

It Kills me because it’s telling that he’s “friends” enough with some people for them to scold him and for him to respond jokingly. :""""

But the quote ABOUT him (because I’m greedy and I’m doing both) I like the most, by virtue of conciseness, is from the diaries of the Marquis of Osera, who had to deal with Philip more than they'd both like:

“He’s a weird old man” [“Es raro viejo.”]

18. What is a trait you share with your favourite historical figure?

Ohh well I’ve never really thought about this.. hm… I guess we are both. Uh. Velázquez stans. Or maybe the fact that we're both champions at second-guessing ourselves, but it’s true that we're not really much alike at all!! (im cooler) <3

20. What is your favourite possession that refers to your favourite historical figure (e.g. statue, book etc.)?

Not very exciting I fear but it’s a book :3 It’s Perez Villanueva’s transcription of all of Philip’s (available) letters to the Countess (her again). It’s out of print (which is wild because every single court studies scholar in this field needs to have access to it, so?? I guess there's like 5 copies getting circled around between universities) I chased it for months on the shadiest collector websites and Finally. I got it fourth hand from some dude and now it’s in my room ✨

That’s it, thank you very much my friend <33333

[thenervousmedic]

I had a minecraft dream last night...

This is going to be a long post, but bear eith me, and take the time to read it.

I don't dream about minecraft very often. In fact this might be a first. I'm still in bed while writing this, as im afraid if I wait I'll lose a bunch of the memories.

It involved myself and a few members of the Dream SMP getting sucked into MC. Ironic, I know. Dream, George, Badboyhalo, Tecnoblade, Wilbur Soot, Tommyinnit, and myself. We all looked like our avatars... mostly, and even had some special skills i'll get into later.

To be clear, they were as they are in real life in terms of personality.

I've not watched the dream smp yet... maybe I should start soon. Anyway, side tracked...

The world worked differently than normal MC. It was more realistic, especially the combat and movement. Anything you can do irl you can do here. The drawback was that it made everything harder and more exhausting.

I was dragged in a month before the others, where over the next four weeks, I'd figure out how the lives system works; how difficult movement was; that crafting was nearly the same as normal mc; and how to build.

Five lives. There was a little tracker on the back of your hand, five squares for five lives. Each life you lost, a square would disappear. But it wasnt that simple. Every tine you died you'd feel the affects of the world more. Eating took longer, everything cost more and more realistic amounts of effort, and most importantly... taking damage would actually hurt.

On your first life damage was less of a danger and more of a 'stat' to just be aware of. Getting attacked, shot, exploded next to, ect wasn't too bad. But the more you died the more these things started to get scary. Arrows would tear their way in and ve painful to remove. You'd bleed and have actual wounds that needed care.

By the time the smp members were spawning in, I'd already been reduced to my last life. I was never good at minecraft, though im alright irl with a bow it didnt help much.

You spawn in unconcious. I'd lost my first life that way. I spawned above water. A painless drowning. I hadn't gone back to the ocean since, it scared the fuck out of me.

The first to arrive was Techno. I went back to spawn for the good sheep spawns there. Found him asleep in the grass. He was lucky no creepers had spawned.

Nearly everyone was bigger than me, I'm pretty small, so hauling this guys limp piglin ass all the way to my little safety shack was really hard.

Then Dream and George one after another. Badboy. Tommy... and finally Wilbur.

Wilbur was... a special case. He was a ghost. Just like his ghostbur skin had been. Fully awake, really freaking out. I was near collapsing from taking everyone else to my home, wasnt really much of a comfort, but I at least managed to convince him to come with me after the sun started to dip.

When we got back Wilbur helped me make beds. Couldn't have everyone sleeping propped up against the walls... Wilbur couldn't grab anything, but he could open and close chests. He also found out he could manafest things like his guitar, and a plushie orca. Things that made him a little less anxious. It was nice to hear music again.

I didnt get to talk to him long. We finished the beds, put everyone on one, then I immediatly konked the fuck out over the crafting table.

By the time I woke up, everyone was already awake and talking. The typical suspects. Why are we here, how, what happened, is this even real. You get the picture. I guess usually social anxiety, especially in the presence of people I admire so much, would've been a big stressor but after a month alone in this world I damn near started bawling at the thought of someone else even existing.

I told them all I know. We are stuck here, we have lives, dont fucking lose them it makes the game harder. The physics are just as janky as regular minecraft, mobs are much more articulated, armour actually has weight and at this point I wasnt aware of the little buffs everyone had to a particular skill.

Dream was incredibly good at exploiting the game's wonky system and parkouring, even of he couldnt nessesarily do it irl.

Techno was suddenly extremely knowledgeable about combat and could handle most weapons effectively. He was also a piglin-type guy which made him immune to fire.

George's coding skills translated directly into redstone knowledge, letting him build ridiculous machines with enough respources.

Tommy had incredible luck with loot and generally got good enchants.

And Bad was, thanks to his skin, some form of demonic entity and would be completely ignored by most hostile mobs.

Wilbur, as you know, was a ghost who could phase through anything and summon ghostly items.

We didn't find out everyone's special trait immediatly, of course. It happened over many days of trail and error trying to collect resources, build, and have fun.

Turns out my skill was useless by myself, hence why I never found it before they arrived. Anything I gave to another person was twice as effective. Healing items helped more, food would fill them on smaller portions, armour would get a free temporary enchant depending on what they needed.

I'd never liked playing minecraft alone.

I'm losing some of the dream, I shoukd wtite some bullet points down or this post will be miles long.

Tommy accidently befriended a wolf, he named it Wilbur to mess with Wilbur. We had two Wilburs.

Bad was constantly driven up the wall by peoples language but truly was using it as a coping mechanism early on because he was afraid of being stuck here forever. We made sure to swear occasionally so he'd get the oportunity to yell at us.

Techno lost his first life when a creeper blast threw him directly into Dream's sword.

Dream never got over it.

Wilbur started making more songs and even made a few targetted at the groups adventures.

Wilbur descovered if he goes into the floor he cant tell which was is up, this terrified him, he never went underground again.

George made automatic farms and eventually even non-minecraft typical things like a morning alarm clock, a compass that pointed to the nearest village, and invented new armour that was more lightweight but still protective.

Wilbur the wolf regularly barked at and mauled giant spiders before they got anywhere near the house, much to literally everyone's relief.

Bad learned how to read and write enchanting table symbols.

I taught Dream how to repair his clothes and in return he showed me how to build traps.

Techno learned he could talk hoglin, piglin, and villager.

Bad learned he could stare at endermen and mistakingly assumed everyone could so he told everyone else its ok to do so.

Tommy lost his first life to an enderman.

Wilbur worked with george for a whole week on special gloves that would let him touch stuff.

I took an arrow dangerously close to the lungs after Tomny's first respawn trying to bring him home.

Dream realised he couldn't take off his mask and wished he could see the world normally again, nobody knew what his vision was like.

Bad descovered a joy for cooking.

Bad also tamed a cat and named it Muffin.

Muffin the cat would ride Wilbur the wolf around.

Dream lost his first life to hunger after pushing himself for too long.

Techno took a wrong step in the neather and lost his second life to a seriously long fall.

I never knew what I looked like...

Tommy lost his second life being overrun by zombies without a weapon. We made a rule to never leave the house alone after this many deaths.

Bad descovered pretty late that milk is poisonous to him and thus cakes will kill him. He lost a life to cake. He was devastated.

Tommy built a cute campfire. He and Wilbur would mess around singing at it. Wolf Wilbur thoroughly enjoyed this.

I would stay up most of the night watching everyone sleep because I worried the house could get invaded or surrounded. They found out after Phantoms started spawning and made a rule that at least one of then would stay awake at night to make me feel better.

George built Dream an obstacle course with lots of moving parts and such. He ran it every morning.

I learned how to play guitar from Wilbur at the campfire.

Torches never burnt out after they arrived. No idea why.

That's all I can remember...

It was a hard dream, I was sad and angry sometimes... but the happy moments made it worth it.

I hope I return to that dream someday.

[hopelikethemoon]

Homecoming (Javier x Reader) {MTMF} [smut]

Title: Homecoming Rating: Explicit  Length: 3200 Warnings: Smut (not everyone gets a ‘happy ending’ but everyone is still happy) Notes: You can find everything about Maybe Today, Maybe Forever here. Set Summerish 1995. ‘95 is a weird year without dates yet. Perhaps that’s a tomorrow task Thanks to everyone who asked for “imperfect sex”.  Summary: Reader gets home after a business trip.

@grapemama​​ @seawhisperer​​ @huliabitch​​ @pedropascalito​​ @rogrsnbarnes​​ @thewallpapergoesorido​ @twomoonstwosuns​​ @gooddaykate​​ @livasaurasrex​​ @ham4arrow​​ @plexflexico​​​ @readsalot73​​ @hdlynn​​​ @lokiaddicted​​​ @randomness501​ @fioccodineveautunnale​​  @roxypeanut​​​ @snivellusim​​​ @lukesrighthand​​​ @historynerd04 @mrsparknuts​​​ @synystersilenceinblacknwhite​​ @behindmyeyes-insidemyhead​​​ @exrebelshocktrooper​​​ @awesomefandomsunited​​​ @ah-callie​​​ @swhiskeys​​​ @lady-tano​​​ @beskar-droids​​​ @space-floozy​​​ @cable-kenobi​​​ @cool-ultra-nerd @himbopoes​​​ @findhimfives​​​ @pedrosdoll​​​ @frietiemeloen​​​ @arrowswithwifi​​​ @random066​​ @uncomicalhumour​​​ @heather-lynn​​​ @domino-oh-damn​​​ @cyarikaaa​​ @ahopelessromanticwritersworld​​​ @im-still-a-pieceofgarbage @ksgeekgirl​​  @yabby-girl​​ @xqueenofthecraziesx​​​ @punkass-potato​​ @coredrive​​ @pascalesque​​ @theduchessofkirkcaldy​​ @queenquazar​​ @sabinemorans​​ @buckstaposition​​ @holkaskrosnou​​ @yespolkadotkitty​​ @fleetwoodmactshirt​​ @seeking-a-great–perhaps @kochamcie​ 

You drummed your fingers against the steering wheel as you watched another minute tick by on the digital clock on your dashboard. You were supposed to be home almost an hour ago, but an accident on I-95 had brought traffic to a standstill before you had a chance to get onto Route 1. 

Thank God for car phones. 

You opened the center console, keying in the home phone before tucking it between your shoulder and your ear as you focused on inching forward another two feet. 

“Hello?”

“Hey,” You smiled as Javier picked up the phone. “Still stuck on the road.”

“Jesus Christ,” Javier clicked his tongue against his teeth. “You got enough gas?”

“I filled up on the turnpike,” You assured him, glancing at the fuel gauge, “I’m good. Promise.” 

“Any movement?”

You glanced at a road sign as you inched past it. “I’m almost to 112. I’m gonna try to un-ass myself of this mess there.”

“Maybe another thirty?” He questioned hopefully. 

“That’s optimistic,” You chuckled, pushing your fingers through your hair as you grumbled at the car in front of you. “Yeah, sure. Just come on over jackass. Not like the rest of us are trying to get out of this shit too.”

“Ah, I see the road rage has settled in.” Javier teased. 

“I just wanna be home.” You admitted. “I thought I could do this whole work-trip thing, but… I’m not a fan.”

“I know, baby. Four days is a long time.”

“I don’t know how you did it,” You remarked. How many times had he had to go away in Colombia? You hadn’t even considered the agony of being away from Javi and Josie until you had settled into your first night alone in a hotel room in St. Pete.

“Did you have fun at least?”

“You know me, I just love public speaking to a bunch of men who think they know better than me.” You laughed bitterly, “It was fine. I actually did really well.”

“Of course you did, baby.” You could practically feel the adoration in his voice. “If it’s any consolation — we missed you. A lot.”

“I missed you too,” You chewed on your bottom lip. “I cannot wait to be home.”

“Yeah?” Javier clicked his tongue against his teeth. “I made dinner. Well, I ordered dinner.”

“It’s going to be cold by the time I get home,” You sighed, rubbing at your forehead as traffic came to a complete halt again. “What’d you get?”

“Chinese. General Tso’s, fried rice, your favorite egg rolls.”

“You know how to spoil me.”

“I have a few plans to spoil you.”

“Momma!” Josie squealed from somewhere on the other side of the call and your heart clenched. 

“You wanna say hello, JoJo?” Javier questioned, “Hang on.” There was a rustle of noise as he sat the phone down, before returning a beat later. “I’ve got you on speaker phone.”

“Hey, baby doll!” You said enthusiastically, wishing you could see her on the other side of the call. “Did you miss mommy?”

“Mommy!” Josie clapped her hands. “Da-da! Mommy!” 

“She looks thrilled,” Javier told you. “She’s looked for you every day.”

“I’m sure she has.” You tried to ignore the ache in your chest. “I’ll be home soon, baby doll. And I’m going to read you a story and tuck you in. Everything I missed this week.” You shook your head slowly, “I don’t know how you did this, Javi.”

“It killed me.” Javier admitted quietly, before the phone rustled again as he let Josie go off to play once more, switching off the speaker. “Why do you think I’d come over in the middle of the night, even if it meant an hour or two of actual sleep?”

“I get it now. You were willing to do what you had to, to make up for what you missed out on.” The traffic let up a little, allowing you to drive further down the road without stopping. “I’m about five minutes from the exit, I think. I should be home before seven.”

“I’ll keep JoJo up so you can tuck her in.”

“Let her sleep if she’s tired, babe.”

“Baby, I know how important it is.”

“Yeah, I guess you do. Thank you.” You smiled to yourself. “I can’t wait to kiss you.”

Javier chuckled, “Me neither. Four days is a long time, isn’t it?”

“And lonely. I hated sleeping in a giant king hotel bed alone.” You made a face. “You two are coming with me next time.”

“I know I slept for shit without you next to me,” Javier told you. “Who knew that after three years with someone you could get real fucking used to not sleeping alone.” 

“I know!” You laughed, “Okay, I’ve reached the exit. I should be home in twenty.” You told him as you veered off 95, taking the exit that would get you home sometime this century. 

“See you in a few.” Javier murmured, “I love you.”

“Love you too. I’ll be home soon.”

Somehow you managed to hit every fucking light on the way home, but at least you made it home before seven. 

“Next time I have a conference in St. Pete — I’m flying. It was an easy six hour drive up, but Jesus Christ…” You complained as you threw your purse down on the sofa, abandoning your suitcase by the door. “Nine hours today.”

“But you’re home now,” Javier pointed out as he greeted you with a kiss, passing a very sleepy Josie to you. 

“Hello, baby girl.” You whispered as you cradled her against you, running your hand over her back as she clung to you. “I swear you’ve gotten bigger in just four days.”

“Missed you.” Josie told you, her eyes heavy as she rested her cheek against your shoulder. “No go bye-bye mommy.”

“I’m not going bye-bye anytime soon.” You promised her, kissing her forehead. You reached out with your free hand to urge Javier closer. He wrapped an arm around both of you as he hugged you. “Did daddy take good care of you?”

She nodded excitedly and Javier chuckled. “He braided-ed my hair!”

“Did he?” You grinned at Javier. “And how did he learn to do that?”

“Steve.” Javier gave your hip a squeeze. “Surprisingly good at braiding.”

“Impressive.” You laughed, giving Josie’s head another kiss. “I’m going to go put her down, do you mind heating up dinner for me?”

“Do I mind?” Javier scoffed and stole a kiss. “Of course I don’t mind, baby.”

“Thank you,” You played your fingers through his hair, before you headed down the hall to Josie’s room. 

You barely made it through the first few pages of The Swan Princess before she was out like a light beside you. You stayed there, watching her sleep for as long as your stomach would allow you.

The smell of the reheated Chinese food wafting down the hallway had your stomach in knots with hunger. If you had known how long the drive was going to be — you would’ve gotten something to eat on the turnpike. 

As much as you wanted to get back in the field, go on assignment, and travel again — you really did want to be home with Javier and Josie. You were only a little jealous that Javier had adapted to stay-at-home life so easily. He was so at ease, constantly. 

You wanted Josie to have that bond with her father — the same one you’d always craved as a little girl. But you also wanted to be there for dinnertime, bathtime, storytime, and bedtime. You didn’t want to miss a week of her life. 

“I am starving.” You told Javier as you collapsed onto the sofa beside him. You dragged your hands over your face, sighing heavily before you leaned forward and grabbed the plate he’d prepared for you. “Thank you.”

“Whatever you need, baby.” Javier angled himself towards you, watching you with rapt attention. “I missed you.”

You felt your cheeks warm under his gaze, “I missed you too.” You dipped your egg roll into the sauce, before you took a bite. You shifted towards him, leaning against his arm. “It was so weird.”

Javier curled his arm around your waist, resting his chin on your shoulder. “Aside from missing us, did you have a good time?”

“The conference went really well. I think the force up there is going to follow the model I’ve been implementing here. They don’t understand the importance of informants—“

“No one ever does.”

“Right?” You laughed, taking another bite of your egg roll. “There was a lot of evening socializing that I wasn’t really interested in.” You raised a brow as you tilted your head to look at him. 

Javier pressed a kiss to your cheek, “What? Afraid you’d have a repeat of the first night?” 

You snorted, “Yeah. I mean, I’m all for getting bought drinks, but don’t try to slip me your room key.” You made a face as you scooped up a fork full of fried rice. You chewed it down a little too fast and ended up burping and hiccuping at the same time. 

“I mean, what a catch.” Javier teased, keeping his arm curled around you. 

You couldn’t help but laugh, “Not bad manners, just good food.” You leaned forward to grab the beer off the coffee table, washing down the fried rice before taking a bite of the chicken. “As I was saying—“ You gave him a look. “I wasn’t looking to get hit on at the hotel bar.” 

Javier rubbed at the back of his neck, “They’d probably wonder how you ended up with me.”

“Javier,” You rolled your eyes, slapping his leg playfully. 

“Baby, you’re gorgeous.”

“You just want to get laid tonight.” You retorted hotly, running your tongue over your bottom lip as you met his gaze. 

“Four days is a long time.” Javier pointed out as he traced his fingers over your arm, his gaze flickering to your lips. 

“Were your hands not enough, Javi?” You questioned, leaning in to press your lips to his. 

“I didn’t.”

Your brows rose upwards, “Really?”

“Figured I could wait until you got home,” He drawled out, leaning in to steal another kiss, his tongue playing over your lips. 

“I guess I should eat faster then,” You laughed, winding your fingers through his hair as you brushed your nose against his. “So you can eat.”

Javier snorted.

“Though, we could always go to the main course.” You suggested, taking another bite of chicken. “My vibrator was a poor imitation of the real deal.”

“You used it?” He shook his head. 

You shrugged, “What else was I going to do at the hotel at six in the evening? Don’t be too jealous.” 

Javier ran his hand over your thigh, his fingers sliding inwards over the inner fabric of your pants. “You should’ve called.”

“I know, but I knew you’d be getting Josie ready for bed.” You sighed and pressed your tongue to the inside of your cheek. “Not to mention, I was pretty stressed and it was not as alleviating as I hoped.”

He pressed a kiss to the curve of your jaw, “Still stressed?”

“Two more bites of dinner and I’m yours.” You promised him, shoving half the egg roll into your mouth as you hastily chewed it down. “They’re not terrible nuked.”

“They were good when they were fresh.”

You nudged him in the ribs, “I’m sorry, take that up with the traffic gods. I would’ve loved to be home hours ago.” You licked the sauce off your thumb, before leaning forward to put your plate back on the coffee table. 

“I’ll light a candle,” He taunted, his eyes raking over your face before he hesitated, “You should finish eating.”

“Are you sure?” You frowned, “I ate half a bag of pretzel sticks on the drive.” You took a swig of beer, before sitting it next to your plate. “You know I’m not against midnight breakfast.”

Javier shook his head, his lips drawing up at the corner a warm smile. “Take your time, enjoy your dinner.”

“Javi?”

He arched a brow, “Hmm?”

“I’ve been in a car for nine hours.” You said slowly as you moved to straddle his lap, resting your hands on his shoulders. “And thinking about coming home to you was the one thing that kept me from partaking in road rage.”

He ran his hands over your hips, one hand sliding around to grab your ass as he looked up at you. “Who knew I had so much power.” Javier smirked, leaning up to kiss you.

You dragged your fingers through his hair as you sank into the kiss, your tongue playing over his bottom lip with a soft groan. You pulled back with a grin, “You have a lot of power.” 

“Couch or bed?”

“Bed.” You whispered as you brushed your nose against his, “I want out of these pants.” You rolled your hips downwards slowly, before you climbed off of his lap. 

“I love the way you think.” Javier chuckled as he followed you down the hallway. 

You walked backwards into the bedroom, meeting his eyes with a smirk of your own, “I’ve been known to have a few good ideas.” 

Javier closed the distance between the two of you, a hand at your hip and the other at your jaw as he descended upon you. It felt like a week’s worth of desire pent up into that one kiss and it lit a flame of need within you.

He guided you back onto the bed and you held him wrestle your pants off your legs, leaning up on your elbows as he tossed them aside. “Still want the main course baby?” 

You nodded your head, hooking your thumbs in the waistband of your underwear and sliding them down your thighs. Javier caught ahold of them and tugged them off. 

Javier bent down and pressed a kiss to your lower belly as his hand ran up along the inside of your thigh. “I’ve missed you so fucking much, baby.”

“Then show me.” You taunted as you tugged at his hair. Javier dragged his hand up higher until his fingers reached your cunt, his fingers dragging over your folds. 

You sank back against the bed, savoring the feel of his fingers as he played over your sensitive flesh, stoking the flames of arousal there. 

Javier pressed an open-mouthed kiss to your lower stomach, before scraping his teeth over your soft skin there. He worked two fingers into you, thrusting them in and out of you twice before he pulled back. 

He leaned over you to catch lips again and you managed to reach downward between the two of you to work his jeans open. Javier groaned against your lips as you worked your hand inside, palming his rigid cock through his boxers. 

“Happy to see me?” You murmured against his lips as he drew back just enough to catch a breath. 

“Very.” Javier bumped his noses against yours, before he kissed you again. 

You tugged his boxers down his hips, getting them down about mid-thigh to where his jeans were before you gave up. You were both half dressed — it didn’t matter. 

Javier’s hand curled around your hip as he dragged you to the edge of the bed. You curled a leg around him, trying to angle yourself towards him. 

“Fuck!” You gasped out as his cock slid into you, filling you so deliciously. “That’s it, Javi.” You urged, curling your fingers around the back of his neck as you met his eyes.

“You feel so fucking good.” Javier drawled out as he leaned back, his hands gripping at your hips tightly as he started thrusting into you in earnest. 

You grabbed curled your hands around his forearms, gripping at them tightly as you rolled your hips to meet his thrusts. Your lips parted as a breathy moan escaped you. “Javier.” 

“Is that what you want, baby?” He questioned, dragging his hand along the length of the leg you had wrapped around his hips. “Shit—“ Javier hissed out, his grip tightening at your hip as his pace faltered. You knew that face. 

“It’s okay.” You promised him, grabbing at his shoulder as you pulled yourself up. You tilted your head, lips brushing against his as you rolled your hips. “Let go.” You whispered against his mouth as you curled your fingers around the back of his neck. 

“Fucking… baby, I’m—“

You cut him off with a searing kiss before he had the chance to finish. He released his hold on your leg, slipping his hand between you where his cock was driving into you, but you intercepted him. You interlaced your fingers with his and that was all it took to send him careening over the edge.

Your own release was just out of reach, but there was something almost equally pleasurable about watching Javier come undone for you. To feel his cock throb as it spilled within you. 

“It’s okay,” You whispered, winding your fingers through his hair as you laid back and took him with you. You were both hanging halfway off the bed, but you really didn’t mind. 

“Is it?” He grumbled, pressing his face into the crook of your neck, his breath hot against your skin. “I’m sorry, baby.”

“Don’t be.” You ran your hand down his back. “I still had fun.” You turned your head as much as you could to press a kiss to whatever available bare patch of skin you could find.

Javier groaned quietly as he pushed himself up on his hands, towering over you. “Let me make it up to you.”

You shook your head, tracing a finger over his bottom lip. “You can make it up to me by getting undressed so we can go to sleep. Okay?”

“You sure?” He questioned, lifting a hand to cup your cheek. Javier searched your eyes as you nodded, “I’m gonna grab something to clean up with. Don’t move.”

You drew in a sharp breath as he slipped out of you. The moment had definitely passed, as disappointing as it was. You were stressed and exhausted. 

You sat up and peeled off your shirt, tossing it off the side of the bed as you waited for Javier to return from the bathroom. “I need to brush my teeth too,” You told him as he knelt down at the foot of the bed as he wiped off the mess that had been left behind. 

Javier pressed a kiss to your leg just on the inside of our knee, “Didn't mean you make your homecoming a letdown.”

“Good thing you didn’t let me down then.” You told him with a warm smile as you held him stand back up as you rose. “You’re more than welcome to wake me up however you see fit… but not before seven.”

“I can arrange that,” Javier’s lips cracked into a faint smile. “I’m glad you’re home.”

“Me too.” You brushed your fingers over his cheek. “I missed my bed… and it’s other occupant.”

Javier snorted, “Even if he’s early to the party?”

You couldn’t help but laugh as you headed for the bathroom to brush your teeth, “I only care that you were at the party.” You quipped, firing a finger gun at him before you ducked into the bathroom.  

[valla-chan]

65 Questions You Aren't Used To answered by ME

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

    Sometimes, but it always goes away fairly quickly.

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

    3, im not actively afraid of the dark itself but it can exacerbate paranoias

3. The person you would never want to meet?

    The guy on reddit with like 100 different parasites he spreads to people around him

4. What is your favorite word?

    Catgirl or Ghost maybe idk

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?

    Monterey Cypress

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

    Oh my god my hair is so fucked, i look dead in the face too

7. What shirt are you wearing?

    gray longesleev :)

8. What do you label yourself as?

    gray-ace trans girl who is probably actually nonbinary but ignores that for the sake of simplicity

9. Bright room or dark room?

    dark

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

    in a voice call watching my friend stream hl2: lost coast

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?

    19-20

12. Who told you they loved you last?

     gf :)

13. Your worst enemy?

    congress republicans

14. What is your current desktop picture?

    I have 3, and currently all of them are on images of hatsune miku

15. Do you like someone?

    mhm

16. The last song you listened to?

     No Children - The Mountain Goats

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

    Mitch McConnell

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

    Donald Trump

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?

    A clone of myself, who i would make work on my portal mod lul

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

    My hair perhaps

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?

    I dont know if this would make me male, female, or a trans man!

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

    Getting people to like me when i want them to, i guess? It sounds manipulative but if you dont use it to manipulate people, and you dont always do it (because sometimes you dont want the person to like you), then is it?

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

    I am afraid that my perception of other things is inaccurate and eventually i will realize that people around me regard me as someone who is very much detached from objective reality.

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

     Crab+lobster mix, avocado, cheese, caramelized onions, bacon, sourdough bread, basil+a bit of garlic, and probably other stuff i cant think of.... oh and sunchips stuffed inside that i could pull out and eat.

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?

    Save it!!

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?

    California!

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

    1) If you die we eat you

29. What is your favorite expletive?

    simply saying the word KILL!

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

    My computer :( it would cause the most extreme impact to have it be destroyed. i would feel terrible about everything else though

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

    I’d rather not say.

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!

    sounds awful :(

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

    My kitty :(

34. What was your last dream about?

    I was playing a hidden level in Frogger: the Great Quest but then @ sleepysoul DM’d me to ask what my newest video was about cause she was weirded out by it, and i went to my youtube channel to find this bizarre video about crab-catching, which slowly descended into this video showing bizarre and cosmic horrors. For some reason i thought i uploaded it and tried to defend the video, but i could not explain it

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]?

    I am a good 3d modeler, texturer, game mapper, and other things that have to do with digital 3d artstuff

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

    no

37. Have you ever built a snowman?

    yes

38. What is the color of your socks?

    All of mine are tan or dark blue. super lame and boring

39. What type of music do you like?

    Most currently, it fluctuates between “weirdcore” type aesthetic playlists of music, and anything Vocaloid.

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

    Sunrises, because im usually not awake for them so they are extra special

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

    strawberry maybe

43. Do you have any scars?

    One on the side of my butt where i tore it open on the bathtub faucet, one on my elbow from a bike accident, and 

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?

    I dropped out :(

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

    my cheekbones and eyebrow ridge stick out so weirdly, id make it not look like that

46. Are you reliable?

    on small things? yes. on big things? nope, not in the least.

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?

    Have you finally gotten out of this rut and found happiness and success?

48. Do you hold grudges?

    i kinda do but try not to

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?

    Catgirl

51. Are you a good liar?

    only when im not trying to.

52. How long could you go without talking?

    consecutively, maybe a fourth of a day

53. What has been you worst haircut/style?

    short.

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?

    I’ve helped, but never done it myself!

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?

    Oh, believe me, no. But i do it anyway because its objectively hilarious

56. What do you like on your toast?

    Not beans.

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

    Miku :)  (it turned out so badly i scrapped it)

58. What would be you dream car?

   Golden Leopard Print Golf Cart

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.

      I lie down as to not pass out (and cause warmn wotter....)

60. Do you believe in aliens?

    [redacted]

61. Do you often read your horoscope?

    never

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

    E? (it has a nice synesthetic color)

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

    Dinos

64. What do you think about babies?

    gremlins. strange beings. they are very strange and creepy-ish but can be cute but RARELY. keep away.

[jimimn]

HI ITS ME WHO'S NOT OVER JJK BLONDE SELFIE AND WILL NEVER BE -💫

HELLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO <33333333

HONESTLY ITS THE WAY YOH SAY SUCH NICE THINGS AND I DISAPPEAR FOR DAYS ON END BECAUSE INCONSISTENCY BLEEDS INTO EVERY CORNER OF MY LIFE FNEKALKD BUT I'M GETTING DONE WITH MY FIRST LEG OF EXAMS ON MONDAY SO YAY TO THAT!! OKAY I THINK WE'LL MOVE SLOWLY WITH BABY STEPS JUNGKOOK DROPPED SOME SELCAS JIMIN DROPPED SOME SELCAS IN THE WORDS OF THE LEGENDARY JEON JUNGKOOK ALL WE NEED NOW IS "together..BAM!" (THAT'S LITERALLY ONE OF MY FAVORITE MOMENTS EVER THE WAY HE SAYS IT 🤧)

YES IN THIS HOUSE WE SCREAM OVER JIMIN'S DISRESPECT HE IS THE PARAGON OF A MULTI-FACETED MAN THAT HAS US WRAPPED AROUND HIS FINGER. THE AUDACITY 😤

CHANEL X JIMIN LETS MAKE IT HAPPEN AND OMG THAT SELFIE THAT DROPPED?? SIR???? WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL?? I MEAN YES BH SAID LET'S DROP SELFIES IN BULK BUT THAT ONE PICTURE OF HIM IN BLACK(GREY? I DONT KNOW FHSKKAJF) WITH THE SHIRTS UNBUTTONED!!! THEM COLLARBONES ARE FREE AND THEY'RE THRIVING IN THE OPEN IN THAT ONE. ALSO HIS LIPS ARE SO PRETTY. OH GOD LITERALLY HE HAS THAT COCKY SMIRK ON HIS FACE WHEN HE KNOWS HE DOES HOT BOY SHIT LIKE SHUT UP OK YOU CANT DO THAT JAIL FOR U NDNSLSKAJJW

SUCH A FUCKING TEASE THATS RIGHT!! EVEN STRAIGHT MEN?? BRO LIKE HOW DO YOU HAVE ALL GENDERS JUST TRIPPING OVER THEMSELVES FOR YOU IT'S INSANE AND OMG MISS SHIVI HAVE YOU SEEN THAT ONE CLIP IN WHICH JIMIN HOLDS HIS GAZE WITH THESE MEN WHO LOOK AT HIM (i think it was bon voyage?) and when they cross each other he JUST SMIRKS AND RUNS HIS HAND THROUGH HIS HAIR LIKE YEAH OK ALEXA PLAY I'M SEXY AND I KNOW IT. AND YES I'LL LISTEN TO EVERYTHING YOU HAVE TO SAY ANYTIME 💗💗

12PM KST IS THE HOLY HOUR I TELL YOU ALTHOUGH I REMEMBER WAITING THE NIGHT BEFORE BE CAME OUT WAITING FOR SOMETHING TO COME AND BH WAS JUST LIKE "yea...no" OMG THAT'S AWESOME YOUR COUSIN'S VISITING YOU

HHFJDOSO YEAH IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE THEY DID THE JUMP ALTHOUGHHHH I'M POSITIVE THEY'LL DO SMTH COOL LIKE THAT IN THEIR CONCERTS BECAUSE THEIR PERFORMANCE QUALITY IS JUST.. THROUGH THE ROOF IT'S CRAZY!! WHEN THE PERFORM WINGS?? LIKE HOLY SHIT NO CHOREO NO POSITIONS JUST BTS RUNNING AROUND THE STAGE MAKING THE CROWD GO FERAL I LOVE EVERY WINGS PERFORMANCE SO MUCH MY SEROTONIN LEVELS ARE ALWAYS AT A HIGH THEN. OOHH MY GODDD BS&T IS REALLY THAT BITCH!!!! WHO'S DOING IT LIKE HER TODAY NO ONE IS EXACTLY. AND NOOOO I TOTALLY GET IT WE THINK ON THE SAME WAVELENGTH THAT ACCIDENT HAS THE SAME EFFECT ON ME. IF ONLY YOU'D TOLD ME THEN IN 2016 THAT THAT ACCIDENT WAS THE START OF SO MANY I'D BE PREPARED FOR EVERYTHING THAT FOLLOWED (see: him basically stripping himself that one serendipity performance. holy shit.)

FOR REAL THO CHRISTMAS LOVE DROPPED OUT OF NOWHERE AND DO YOU REMEMBER JIMIN SAYINF uUH iM nOt wORkInG oN a SoLo SoNg aT ThE mOmEnT heHe LIKE ALL MEN DO IS LIE OK AT THIS POINT. BYE. YES TAEHYUNG DID WARN US BUT ARMYS (LIKE MYSELF) PUT THEIR CLOWN WIGS ON AND THOUGHT IT WAS KTH1 LMAO. OMG I HOPE YOU DON'T SLEEP THROUGH ANY OF THEIR UPCOMING SONG RELEASES BUT I'M SURE IT'S THE BEST FEELING TO WAKE UP TO CHECK YOUR NOTIFS AND SEE "Big Hit Labels" BECAUSE THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE FIREEE. DUDE SERIOUSLY I NEED JIMIN TO GO LIVE AGAIN (although we've been well fed by namjoon for now🤧😌💗) LIKE THAT ONE YT LIVE WHERE HE SAID "O...M...G" SHUT UP STOP BEING SO CUTE I'M DHJSWLIFJWKALS

LMAO OKAY YEAH THAT'S VALID YOUR BLOG THEME IS BASICALLY ✨jimin✨ AND I LOVE THAT IT REALLY GRAVITATED ME AND YOUR URL OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDD YOUR BRAINNN 💆‍♀️💆‍♀️💆‍♀️💆‍♀️💆‍♀️

YES YES YES JIMIN IS SO PERFECT AND THE SOCK DOODLESSS 😭😭😭 oooo so when did you get into giffing? how did you start? BROOOOO YOUR URL'S ORIGIN STORY. I LOVE IT WOW YES IT'S DEFINITELY GOT THE REQUIRED ✨pazzaz✨

NOOO OMG THIS URL IS YOUR BRAND LIKE YOU'RE A LEGEND ON ARMYBLR I LOVE IT SO MUCH. BUT STILL!! IT'S YOUR CHOICE AT THE END 💖

OMG QUARANTINE DID IT'S ONE GOOD JOB AND GOT YOU INTO BANGTAN YAY. OMG YOU AND MISS LIFEGOESMON ARE FRIENDSS??? LEGENDS INTERACTING THIS IS SO COOL. LMAO THE PARADIGM SHIFT YOU MUST'VE FELT FROM LISTENING TO STAY GOLD (WHICH BTW THE MV...THE LITERAL CUTEST OH GOD THE LITTLE DOG AND JIMIN'S LITTLE SMILES DHSJAOWO) TO THEN GOING TO BST IN WHICH JIMIN IS BASICALLY STRIPPING AND JUNGKOOK IS UPSIDE DOWN LMAOOO. YES BS&T HAS EVERYONE HOOKED THE POWERRRR. YOU FALLING DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE WITH YOUR FRIEND'S ASSISTANCE OH GOD THIS IS SO CUTE 💓 EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM 🥺🥺🥺

AAAAH OKAY MY STORY ISN'T AS INTERESTING AS YOURS IS BUT IN 2016 BASICALLY ALL I KNEW OF KPOP WAS GANGNAM STYLE AND WASNT WILLING TO CUANGE THAT PERCEPTION (FOOL BEHAVIOUR I TELL YOU) AND WAS TOO BUSY OBSESSING OVER ONE DIRECTION'S REUNION AND SO ONE NIGHT (THE NIGHT BEFORE JIMIN'S BIRTHDAY 🤧🤧) I JUST STUMBLED UPON THEIR BS&T TEARS MV AND I HEARD IT AND I WAS LIKE OMG!! THIS IS THAT SUPER ADDICTIVE SONG THAT I'D HEARD SOMEWHERE AND IT JUST SPIRALLED FROM THERE I REMEMBER SEEING JIMIN AND BEING LIKE 👀👀👀👀 WHO IS HE I LIKE HIM AND JUST HIS AURA DREW ME IN SOOO MUCH AND WHEN I WAS GETTING INTO THEM I REMEMBER WRITING THEIR NAMES IN MY NOTES TO SEE IF I COULD REMEMBER 🤧 AND I STILL HAVE THAT NOTE FROM 4+ YEARS AGO 💓 AND YEAH BASICALLY SEEING THEM DO ALL THE MUSIC SHOWS AND STUFF AT THE TIME WAS SO COOOL AND MIND YOU BH DIDN'T HAVE SUBS FOR BANGTAN BOMBS THEN SO WENT ON THESE SKETCHY DAILYMOTION TYPE SITES LOOKING FOR ALL THE CONTENT I COULD CHURN OUT LMAO

AND YES!! COURTESY OF YOU I DID WATCH SOME RUN EPS!! I WATCHED THEIR CANADA ONES SPEAKING OF WHICH I LOOOVE THAT PART WHERE THEY'RE DOING THAT SONG GUESSING THING IN THE MORNING AND JIMIN SAYS "are you cold?" 🥺🥺 TO TAE AND HUGS HIM URRHRHEHSJSJSH AND I ALSO SAW THE ONES WITH THE PUPPIES GODDDDD I LOVE THE PUPPIES ONE SO MUCH LITERALLY JUNGKOOK AND HIS DOG (MIRI?) OH MY GOD THAT LIL FLUFFER AND ADAM IS MY ICON WITH HOW HE JUST DID HIS OWN THING LMAO.

BUT ANYWAY!! DO YOU HAVE A FAVE ERA?? LIKE DO YOU EVER LOOK AT THEM AND GO "Damn I wish I was a fan then" BECAUSE HONESTLY I WISH I HAD STANNED THEM IN THEIR DOPE ERA BUT I DON'T THINK I WOULD HAVE SURVIVED JIMIN THEN DHKSOWID-💫

FOR THE UMPTEENTH TIME!!!!!!! ITS OKAY!!!!!!!! I TOTALLY TOTALLY UNDERSTAND!!!!! AND YAYYYYY CONGRATS I HOPE THE FIRST LEG OF EXAMS WENT WELL <333333 AND OH MY GOD you’re gonna make me cry with the together baam goddddddd same one of my fave moments and jimin’s giggles after that 😭😭😭😭 my babies <3 :((((

that..... black suit selca....... that opened button...... like open one more dear sir who’s stopping you... just do it <33333 YEAH he totally needs to shut up with his i know im hot side it just kills me every single time 😭😭😭😭😭

LISTEN THAT BV3 MOMENT  S H O O K  ME OKAY????? THOSE GUYS LOOKED AT HIM AND HE WAS SO FUCKING SMUG ABOUT IT (AND HE SHOULD BE) AND THE WAY HE LICKED HIS LIPS AND RAN HIS HANDS THROUGH HIS HAIR????? LIKE HE KNOWS HE HAS EVERY SINGLE PERSON; NO MATTER WHAT GENDER; WRAPPED AROUND HIS LIL PINKY LIKE THAT???????

OH MY GOD ME TOO I LOVEEEEEEEEEEE THE WINGS STAGE AND WATCHING THEM HAVE SO MUCH FUN IS JUST SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND I ALSO ABSOLUTELY LOVVVEEE THEIR ENERGY DURING THE SY TOUR MEDLEY WITH IDOL AND BAEPSAE AND FIRE AND DOPE ZSXDFGFCHGVJBHJN THEY JUST LOSE THEMSELVES IN THE CROWD AND THE MUSIC AND ITS JUST SO FUCKING SURREAL TO WATCH HOW MUCH THEY ENJOY DOING WHAT THEY DO!!!!! kinda makes me want to find that happiness and passion in whatever i do in my professional life <3 and LISTEN jimin said the break the soul commentary THAT HE COULD DO SERENDIPITY SHIRTLESS TOO. THE AUDACITY. HE SAID THAT WITH HIS WHOLE CHEST. 

YOU KNWO WHAT I THINK JIMIN WON’T GIVE US A HINT BEFORE DROPPING PJM1. HE’LL JUST DROP IT ONE FINE DAY OUT OF NOWHERE LIKE HE DROPPED PROMISE AND CHRISTMAS LOVE (i wasn’t here when he dropped promise but i read that on twitter sdfghjkl) AND NO PLS NO I DO N O T WANT TO SLEEP THROUGH JJK1 OR KTH1 OR PJM1 OR KSJ1 OR NAMGI MIXTAPE 3 OR HOBI MIXTAPE 2 OR ANYTHING BASICALLY YOU GET IT i had slept through dynamite cb because i had NO CLUE that they were gonna drop it at 1pm kst rather than 12 am kst. i was under the impression that since they dropped all the teaser pictures and the teaser itself as 12 am kst, the mv will drop at 12 am kst too. and I woke up like two hours after the mv dropped (which was almost noon my time) and i felt like A FUCKING FOOL AND I JUST 😭😭😭😭 NEVER WANT TO FEEL LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN 😭😭😭 

AND YES BABIE NEEDS TO COME LIVE SOON PLS I MISS HIM SO FUCKING MUCH :((((( AND HIS O...M.....G HAD MADE ME FUCKING SOBBBBBBBBBBB his yt live god he looked sooooooo fluffy with his hair and his tiny hands and his puppy eyes and soft voice im just so 😭😭😭😭😭😭

NO NONNONONONO PLEASE IM NO LEGEND DON’T SAY THAT IM EMBARRASSED im just a normal fangirl who makes okayish gifs 😭😭 and ok yes so i started giffing LONNNGGGGGG time back on a different public fan forum from my country but i never knew the right process and stuff so obviously the gifs were shitty lmao BUT ANYWAY i got into gifmaking PROPERLY this in july last year and obviously struggled a lot in the beginning because i didn’t know shit about colouring and stuff lmao but i kept practicing and even though im not perfect rn i do think that i got better. i love giffing tho. its such a nice creative outlet and whenever i gif the boys it brings me so much happiness :( <33

AND YES ASDFGHJKL ME AND HER ARE FRIENDS SINCE A VERY LONG TIME SDFGHJK LIKE LONG BEFORE BOTH OF US GOT INTO BTS SDFGHJ and ah yes the whiplash lmaooooooo and you’re right god the stay gold mv is SO FUCKING PRETTY THE COLOURS IN THAT ENTIRE MV HELLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AND JIMIN AND TAE AND JOON WITH THE DOGGO JUST EVERYTHING SDFGHJK <3333333 AND BS&T DUDE I GIFFED THE MV YESTERDAY AND IM 💀💀💀💀💀 (like i just giffed jimin from the mv but i did watch the whole thing 5647589 times <333333) AND GUESS WHAT!!!!!! I WAS A LILLY SINGH FAN (IDK IF YOU KNOW HER SHE’S A YOUTUBER) BACK IN 2016 AND PEOPLE BACK THEN HAD REQUESTED HER TO REACT TO BS&T MV AND I HAD WATCHED HER REACTION VIDEO AND (although it didn’t stick with me back then because i was a fucking fool) I DID SOMEHOW REMEMBERED THE JIN AND STATUE KISSING MOMENT AND WHEN IN 2020 I SAW THE MV AND SAW THE KISSING MOMENT MY BRAIN JUST!!!!!!!!!!! I WAS LIKE HOLY SHIT I HAVE SEEN THIS BEFORE SOMEWHERE AND THEN I REMEMBERED I HAD SEEN THIS IN THE REACTION VIDEO LMAOOOOO i wish i hadn’t been a fool and gotten into them back then :((((

AH NO OMG YOUR STORY IS SOOOOOOO CUTEEEEEEEEEE ATLEAST YOU WEREN’T A FOOL LIKE ME TO NOT GET ATTRACTED TO BS&T THE FIRST TIME OF SEEING IT!!!! I WANNA HIT MY 2016 SELF LIKE DAMN YOU YOU FOOLISH ASSHOLE AND yes omg how did y’all do the subs thing damnnnnn i can’t imagine

AND YES THE CANADA RUN EPIS ARE LOOOVVVEEEE and that vmin moment plsssssss i cry everytime 😭😭😭😭😭 it is just so soft and innocent and tae’s little smile after jimin just turns around and hugs him 😔😔😔😔 i love soulmates 😔😔😔😔 AND MIRI YES OMG EVERYONE WAS SO IMPRESSED BY THE LITTLE CUTIE AND THE WAY JUNGKOOK JUST KEPT ADORING HER THROUGHOUT MADE ME SO SO SOFTTTT and bro adam is me. i am like that. lazy and un-motivated AF. although if i were a dog and jin were to be my owner i would listen to him so well and jump on him every chance i’d get 😌😌😌

GOD YES RED HAIR DOPE ERA JIMIN 💀 BABIE BUT MAKE IT SEXY 🥵🥵 AND OMG YESDGFHG MY FAVE ERA IS HYYH. ORANGE HAIRED JIMIN. PLS. HE’S EVERYTHING. I WISH I HAD GOTTEN INTO THEM DURING THAT. LIKE THAT ERA IS ..... SOMEHOW SO FUCKING WILD AND STILL SO ASSURING AND CALMING ????? KEEPS ME ROOTED LIKE IDK HOW TO EXPLAIN DFGHJKL AND WINGS TOO DAMN I WISH I WAS HERE TO LIVE ALL THOSE AMAZING ERAS. but even though i wish i had gotten into them earlier... i think i found them when i needed them the most. I was going through a very difficult time last year and they somehow they made me feel so fucking safe and at home that the connection was instant. honestly i’ve never stanned or felt a connection with any celebrity as strong as the one i feel with bangtan. its like... they don’t know i exist but they still know EXACTLY what im feeling and what to say or do at that time to make me feel comforted. Its weird god but its true :((( SORRY I GOT EMO I JUST LOVE THEM A LOT SDFGHJKL

[botheredbuck]

hey sweetheart, can u pls make a post for me that is pure infodumping ant this ship that you like so i can learn more about it? thankyou please 💖💖

ayes yes i can very much do that hhhhh

so!! ballum!! an outsider’s rundown. first their individual characters + backstory

ben 

- is a mitchell which is one of like the major families in eastenders, one that has been in the show since it started 

- son of phil mitchell who used to be like a major gangsta but now he’s just kinda old and wrinkly and tries to be scary 

- phil is also an alcoholic and he abused ben when he was a kid, and treated him like shit because he wasn’t overly masculine, is also a bit of a homophobe and was really shitty to ben when he came out 

- ben’s hard of hearing, so like he had maningitis when he was a kid and lost some of his hearing and so he’s had a hearing aid all his life (another thing that phil picked on him for cause he’s an ass) and recently lost more of his hearing in an accident 

- has been in prison for manslaughter oops

- has a daughter from when he was trying to prove that he was straight but it’s okay because lexi is a little badass and we love her. 

- was with this guy paul a while ago who got killed and it was hella sad 

callum

- was also abused by an alcoholic homophobic dad for most of his childhood, but his family aren’t very important on the square. he has a brother stuart who used to be kinda creepy but like i like him now so like yeah

- was a cook in the army for a while (because he was trying to prove that he was straight, although that’s not confirmed canon it might as well be, just like his ptsd) but ended up coming home after getting injured, also he was in love with this guy in the army but he’s dead now as well 

- was with this nice girl whitney for ages but then he cheated on her with ben (they did it in a park oop) and told her that he cheated on the night before their wedding, so the wedding got called off and unrelated but ben ended up getting shot at the wedding which ended up in a lot of angsty pining (he was fine eventually)

- came out to his dad in front of a whole pub worth of people and it was really badass bc his dad’s an ass 

- is now a police offer (EW)

okay so!! general basic storyline stuff (im going to try and restrain myself because ive tried typing this out before and it was 1000 words before i even got to like the start of this year)

ben and callum meet while callum is still pretending to be straight and with whitney, but ben sells him a dodgy car (oh yeah ben’s a criminal kinda) and callum confronts him and ben figures out that he’s gay (that is a really iconic scene if you’re looking for one to watch it’s generally just known as the i smell queer scene). then they’re sort of running around pining for ages until callum cracks, goes to confront ben, and they end up doing it in a park. 

yay.

the next day callum then proposes to whitney (sensible move), cue another good few months of pining until callum and whitney’s wedding, where whitney leaves him at the altar, and ben gets shot at the wedding reception. he’s fine tho (those scenes are also really good, if you just look up ben gets shot on yt) and they agree to go on a date. 

it then takes them a while to actually go on the date bc idk eastenders is weird, and then a little further along the line comes the scene where callum comes out to his dad and like half the square in the middle of a pub, then gives ben a big ol’ smooch in front of everyone (another amazing scene). 

then they’re together!! it’s kinda happy for a while!! callum encourages ben to not be so criminal, he kinda does it for like a couple of weeks 

and then christmas comes and oooh boy 

essentially, in simple terms- ben breaks up with callum to protect him, because ben’s being forced to kill someone for his dad, and that’s really sad. ben gets someone else to kill said guy (except they dont and THAT’S a whole drama) and callum comes back and they do it on a desk and get back together eventually. 

THEN 

the guy that ben was supposed to kill comes back and kidnaps callum, and this whole set of episodes is generally considered as some of ee’s best (at least by me) so i won’t say too much about these, because if youre gonna watch any i’d reccomed these episodes, it was the eastenders 35th anniversary, and it was actually so amazing in so many ways (i could write a whole other post about that but like yeah). 

essentially, something happens and ben ends up losing a lot more of his hearing, which he really struggles with. callum helps him through it, because he loves him (its so SOFT) and then eventually comes the scene where ben tells callum that he loves him for the first time and my fuck that is probably one of my favourite scenes so thats definitely worth a watch. basically, ben struggles with his hearing and the subsequent treatments for a long time, and ends up doing a robbery with his dad to try and prove that he still can, and this is about when ee went on a break over lockdown. 

AND THEN COMES EE SEASON 2

(thats a funny because ee have never been on a break in 35years before the break during lockdown so we’ve termed everything post that ee season 2)

oh and its a whole fucking load of drama. fuckin lot of angst. callum becomes part of the police (ew) and ends up getting blackmailed by his boss over ben, and it’s been really hard on him which is why we’re all anticipating him having a breakdown and it’s gonna be REALLY SAD. 

now there’s a lot of debate over the current sl that callum has, and honestly there have been bits of it that i liked?? my favourite episode has been the one in which callums brother gets married (stuart and rainie are fucking amazing), and callum also beat up a guy to defend ben’s honour. which could possibly get him in even more trouble because now he’s being super blackmailed by his boss :(((

fuck i just realised how long this is oops 

anyways thats about the jist of where we’re up to now?? ee season 2 for ballum has pretty much just been back and forth on callum’s storyline, im kinda liking it tbh?? but there’s a lot of questionable choices unfortunately. 

anyways i hope you enjoyed this lmao because i certainly did but im sorry it’s so long (if you want any specific scenes or bits to wacth feel free to let me know hehe)

anywasy sorry again oops hehe enjoy this <3

[husky-boi]

It’s Always Been You ~ Chapter 4

Summary: Husk grew up with the casinos of Vegas, and made his living there. This is the story of how he found the joy in life, and a reminder that sometimes true love transcends worlds

Ships: Huskniss (Husk x Arackniss)

Ao3 Link

...they'll always find a way back together. 

Husk lost track of how long it had been since Angel's family started hanging out at the hotel. In all honesty, he hadn't expected them to be around more than a few days, a week tops. He hadn't expected Charlie to let them stay, considering neither Molly or Arackniss were remotely interested in the concept of redemption. The more energetic of the two spent most of her time running around and introducing herself to everyone that came through the front doors, talking a particular interest in Cherri for who knows what reason. Husk didn't care about that. What he cared about was the short, black spider that insisted on spending every evening taking up a seat at the bar.

Arackniss was rarely talkative, and for the first few weeks, their routine was the same. He would sit down at the bar, Husk would slide him a bottle of something he pointed at (usually red wine, sangria, or just straight vodka), take down at minimum five bottles, and push Husk a stack of cash without asking for the price. It was almost always double the actual cost, but by the time he finished counting it out, Arackniss was gone. And that really pissed him off some days.

His voice sounded so damn familiar, and Husk just couldn't figure out why. It was impossible to try and understand it when the spider didn't talk to anyone besides Angel most of the time. So he had to take some kind of action, that much was obvious.

On this particular night, something had obviously been bothering Niss much more than usual, because he about drank the entire stash of wine, vodka, and a few other types that they had. Husk panicked when he watched the other reach into his pocket as typically to pull out the money, he had to say something now or never.

"Don't bother. S'on the house."

Arackniss immediately froze, glancing up to the bartender and quickly searching his eyes for any sign of a trick. "How much of it was poisoned?"

Husk took a few seconds to process the phrase before scoffing. "None of it, I'd lose my fuckin' job if I did that. Can't I just give a loyal customer a discount without it bein' suspicious?"

Apparently not, because the glare of Niss' golden eyes didn't stop. Not when he took the cash out anyway and put it on the table, not when Husk pushed it back at him, not when he reluctantly took the money back and pocketed it again. Somehow despite the anger, Husk was able to see the pain present in them had faded, if only a small bit. And though it hadn't happened in many years, Husk felt the side of his mouth curl into a smile.

"…thanks." Then Arackniss was gone again, and Husk was once again left alone wondering what the hell happened to his heart for it to start beating this fast.

-----

From that point on, the routine changed slightly. Arackniss was slightly more talkative, and though it was rare he said more than one sentence at a time, it was clear that he wasn't quite as standoffish as before. That's progress, and at least when he was talking Husk could focus on his voice more. Though, by this point, he wasn't sure if he was trying to figure out where he'd heard it from, or if he just liked the sound of Niss' voice. Maybe a bit of both.

"Y'ever had Michter's whiskey?" Husk was given a skeptical look. "I know, it's an American brand, but I swear it's good shit. Kinda expensive, but managed to snag a bottle from the black market demons that sneak it from the surface. So you want some?"

Arackniss was really only fond of brands coming from his home country of Italy, with a preference for those in Rome. Still, it didn't stop him from pushing out a glass for it to be poured. Husk knew him better than that, and knocked it aside, reaching under the counter to pick out a bottle for each of them to drink from directly.

"Best shit I ever had, I swear. Couldn't afford it all that much while I was alive, but the good stuff gets you drink twice as fast as cheap booze. Probably somethin' to do with havin' a good opinion on it swaying your thoughts, I don't know."

By the time Husk finished talking, Niss had already taken the top of the bottle off with his teeth (and damn, that was eye-catching everytime it happened), and he was already about halfway done with it. And still drinking. Fuck, this guy could really hold his liquor.

Only once the bottle was finished did Arackniss give a slight shrug, sitting the bottle down. Another few seconds, and Husk swore he nearly passed out when Niss smiled at him.

"Yeah, not bad… For an' American brand."

Husk couldn't help it; he laughed. He actually laughed, for the first time in who knows how many decades. With his eyes closed and wiping tears from them, he missed the way Niss' fur fluffed up at the sound or how the spider's eyes were on him up until Husk was looking back again.

"S-shit.. Next time show me your favorite, and we'll compare then. How about that?"

"Fair 'nough."

-----

It had to have been at least a few months now, of Husk trying to make enough money during the day to cover the free drinks Arackniss would have that evening, of them talking more each night, topics shifting from the hotel, to its patrons, and finally to each other. Stories of how they were during life, their childhood, their hobbies and jobs. Anything, really, but the subject of tonight's discussion was family. Apparently a sensitive topic for both of them.

"I didn't really have much family growin' up. Started off in the foster system, and no matter how much I ran away from all the fucking pricks, they kept dragging me back. I'm telling you, couldn't wait for the day I turned eighteen and they couldn't hold me there anymore."

Arackniss nodded in response, taking some sips of his bottle of wine. Red, obviously, white wine was an abomination. "Wish I could'a done the same. I mean, siblings weren't too bad, Tony and Molls were just as stuck as I was. But my fathe' was pretty damn shit. For about a dozen reasons."

Silence for a few seconds, it was clear he hadn't planned on elaborating. "How's that, then? What'd he do, kill some fuckers?"

The bottle of red wine was sat down in favor of Arackniss scratching nervously at his wrist. "…yeah, you could say that. Bein' part'a the Italian mafia, s'kinda part of the job." Husk raised an eyebrow at that, but made no move to interrupt otherwise. "Had this big casino we ran as a front for the whole business, real easy to hide how much money you're earnin' when everyone spends thousands a day there. Much as I liked runnin' the bar there or playing the games, woulda been better if all that wasn't the reason for it."

Husk nodded in response, and it seemed for the first time he was actually intently listening to a story. He couldn't really help that, anything with gambling drew his interest. "Actually was kinda raised by casinos, sneaking in the back doors and all that. Made a pretty good fuckin' name in poker and craps for myself back then. That’s pretty much how I made my living for a good for years."

It seemed Niss was still too lost in thought to process those words, so Husk gave a gentle shove to his shoulder. He'd already learned he was allowed to do things like that, they were at least sort of close enough. "Alright, you're overthinkin' shit. Spill."

"…Mafia thing was kinda the shittiest family to be born into. And it ain't just killing people and all that, it's that you're not allowed to trust fuckin' anyone.." He sighed, running a hand through his hair, another gesture that made Husk's heart jump into his throat everytime he saw it. "Already told y'about Harold a while ago, but… There was another guy back then, met 'im at the casino. And fuck, he knew the game, was good at it without explanation. Henry kicked 'im out once he found out we… Talked. Banned 'im from the casino completely. Never got to see 'im again. Sometimes wonder what happened to the fucker…"

Husk took a few seconds to process that story. It sounded really, really fucking familiar. "…wouldn' happen to be the Rose D'Oro Casino in Vegas, would it?"

"Yeah, why'd y'ask?"

Suddenly, that familiar voice made a little bit more sense.

He nearly knocked the wine bottle off the table on accident, scrambling to hold it steady as he reached into his pocket with one hand. With a shaking hand, Husk pulled out a very old and faded black and gold die, with a rose in place of the one, placing inbetween them on the table. Naturally, Niss' eyes widened.

"…I think.. This is yours?"

More silence. Uncomfortable silence as they both just stared at the object on the table. And then Husk felt his bowtie being pulled on and, contrary to the feeling he was about to receive a punch, lips were crashing into his and holy shit fucking Arackniss was kissing him-

Husk swore he blacked out for a few seconds, because when he was coherent enough to know what was going on, the kiss was already over and he was lightheaded with both of them grabbing onto each other's shirts.

"…oh my god, it's fucking you-" It took a monumental amount of effort for Husk to just say that at the moment. He was pretty sure every bit of fur on his body was standing up straight in the air, his ears were pressed flat against his head, and damn his tail was moving happily, wasn't it?

Husk could feel his soul leaving his body as Niss smiled at him, truly and openly smiled. "…it's always been you…"

-----

 Soulmates are connected through time and space.

 Sometimes a distance can grow between the two.

 But no matter how far apart they become…

 …they'll always find a way back together.

 For better or worse

 Through sickness and in health

 Two souls were made for each other

 And when they come together

 All the broken pieces find their other halves

 And they are whole once again

-----

Taglist: @lunar-trash @silver-crowned-king @incorrect-hazbin-quotes @im-not-an-alcaholicokmolly @tophattippin @grape-scapegoat

[conchstellations]

watching the 1963 LOTF movie for the first time: my reactions

lets go me!! i wanna watch but i cannot focus on JUST watching a movie and the minecraft server i usually play on is down, so i decided to write my reactions bc ive seen people do it for other movies and why not. also i wanna look back in the furture when i watch again bc why not. pls dont judge me. lets go team

-yo wtf is the choir so creepy when they sing like okay

- piggy is adorable and i’d kill for him

- music when they first arrive on shore: creepy, but that could just be cause i know its boutta go from 0-100 real quick

- we got our first suCKS TO YOUR ASSMAR

- PIGGY’S LAUGH IS SO CUTE IM LEGIT GONNA SOB WHEN HE DIES WTF

- Percival? so cute

- did jack fuckin make em sing as they approached? legend. icon. love the flex.

- i love how sad the choir kids all look. theyre all so fuckin done.

- god pls forgive me for laughing when Simon just fuckin collpased

- god simon is adorable

- imma cRY stop making fun of piggy

- jack just fuckng casually scratching his nose with his knife like okay flex again

- holY SHIT MAN HOW MEAN CAN U BE SIMON WAS LOOKING AT THAT

- stop attacking pigman i stg

- i, myself, as a hermit crab owner, am kinda sad :( leave them alone they are trying to be in sand 

- im gonna cry simon is so cute with his lizard friend i love him sm

- could the plane not see the kids running on the island? maybe im wrong. idk

- i rly wanna hug ralph :( hes so upset about the fire

- yo the whole cult pig chant thing was creepy but when u hear actual kids say it? terrifying. no thanks.

- a+ acting piggy but alos i fuckin love u so its ok

- k fuck u jack. fuck u. also, simon’s voice is so sweet when hes like “here have ur specs” and he hands them over so nicely like God simon ur the best ur so valid sweetie

- jack that was a fake ass apology.

- u better bring em back ralph. he makes his tone a lot nicer with piggy than he does with jack which i appreciate

- ur slurping is fckin nasty. poor piggy. also thank god for simon which i have saud before many times, and will say again many times.

- get em ralph. call that assembly. they suck.

- god, percival is bby. imma pretend that hunter is maurice like in the book and thank the lord for him as well. finally, a hunter does something valid. way to go.

- is that my dumbass squid boy? i love him

- jack shut tf up and stop being mean to piggy challenge

- simon is so precious and whomever said “no” like that does it again imma beat ur ass wtf hes telling the truth. insert that jesus meme here, which applies in many ways.

- jack and ralph argue. again. wow whom the fuck knew. thats all they do jesus they just bicker forever. also, have i said fuck jack rights? because fuck jack rights. piggy has the funmkckin conch

- wow ralph sim n piggy are so valid. love em. cherish em.

- love samneric too, theyre adorable

- ralph is putting jack in his place again and again, whcih is very appreicated and thsank u ralph.

- simon i love u.

- ralph’s smile is orecious af

- no clue why they put the camberly thing in but glad they did bc more piggy content

- oh simon, i love u sm but honey u got a big storm comin

- cue more jack and ralph bickering. also, if i was ralph i would not fumckin climb a mountain with the verified psychopaths but i mean maybe thats just me

- ahhhh.... the corpse

- “boys armed with sticks” THERE WE GO RALPH THATS MY BOI

- i like how dramatic the scene is where jack dips

- siMON

- okay ummmmm lotf is creepy as shit thanks

- choir trying to be tight and kill pigs n shit then go back to singing practice? yeah right losers ur fuckin nerds

- simon pls just go back to ur lizard and ignore the pig pls

- i am not ready 

- love how theres like a grand total of 6 people in ralphs tribe lmao

- go ralph!!! ur so valid sweetie

- ralph i stg... go home... ur vibes are rancid rn

- SIMON FUCJDJIN RUN NOW

- his screaming is so awful... it hurts my heart

- simons body drfiting out while the creepy choir song plays is so sad wtf especially with the glimmer or the creatures or whatever like its just sad

- piggy i love u but we BOTH know that was murder.

- as much as raph sucked for killing simon i wanna give hm a big hug

- mkkay accident? maybe, MAYBE i can get behind. but he was FUCKIN INNOCENT PIGGy

- okay fuck jack rights

- awe pigGY 

- SIMON BUILT THAT SHELTER

- oh wow rock throwing 

- lemme just say: respect ralph rights. hate him for killing simon but u can tell he respects piggy cause when hes yellin at the choir hes all mean but he is nice and tells piggy to wait cause he knows hes worried

- he even gives him the conch to make him feel better!

- FIUCK GET EM RALPH GOD I LOVE U UR SO VALID HUN

- DAMN RIGHT HE IS U TELL EM RALLPH

- u tell em piggy

- okay that was so uncool. who the fuck said that was ok

- OKAY THAT SHOT OF THE BODY BEING TAKEN AWAY WHILE RALPH WATCHES IS SO RUDE

- im sorry for laughing but ralph just seeing what happened and just dipping is so fucjncj funny

- sam and eric are such real ones and i appreciate them as well

- mmkay that cutfrom the coast guard to the island in flames is so funny

- poor percival

- ralph looks so upset. imma cry. like hes legit shking. not ok

aleight i did it. it wa sso sad. i think imma watch the 1990 movie another night cause ibe heard its funny af

ummmm tl;dr, i love simon, i love piggy except for after simons death, jacks a bitch and so i roger, and ralph is valid af. i didnt really see the characters that way in the book, like i imagined ralph was blonde and simon was nothing like that kid, no matter how cute he was. good movie tho!!!!

thats about it. if u read this idk why u did but thank u. if u wanna know where i watched just look up google drive lord of the flies and its there for free! ;000 

[curlythenord]

I Caved

I finally got a lil sick of not playing Skyrim, so I finally created my own PlayStation account and created a new character. I couldn’t stay away any longer after blogging about how I hadn’t played for awhile, and I basically spent a good six hours playing despite having family over for most of the day (today was Mama’s day).

Her name is Cahira, she has yellow face paint, and I love her. She kicks ass. Literally.

I think I’m going for a battlemage build right now. And despite my brain knowing that Breton is the traditionally ‘best’ race for playing (resistance to magic, and all them other magic wielding perks) I made her a kickass Redguard because yes.

And also because the extra Redguard face paint designs are SO COOL. IM serious. I was looking at the presets for Redguards, because they’re all really pretty, and came across hers and I absolutely lost it. I kept trying to go a create a Breton that might look similar but nah, this Redguard preset was the best by far. After playing around with hair and eye color, I chose the Redguard valiantly and named her Cahira, because I’m a sucker for powerful lady names.

Now knowing how to play the game and being better at the mechanics, the beginning was a Lot easier... and didn’t take me an extra fifteen minutes to get out of Helgen because I couldn’t jump from one building to another. I also realized that when I was playing on my brother’s account I must’ve messed up the controls somehow because my character NEVER ran. I didn’t know how to do it. Seriously. Like instead of the run button being on L1 (like it is now) it was sneak beforehand. And instead of sneak being on L3, it was change POV, which always sucked when I was fighting because I press down hard when I get stressed. It’s much less annoying now cuz now it just sneaks whenever I press that.

Still gotta work on fixing my muscle memory though, so I’ll stop running when I’m meant to be sneaking. Otherwise? It’s a great structure and really comfortable, and I still have no idea how I ruined it on my other account.

This time I went straight into everything and became a Thane of Whiterun as soon as I could. I intend to go straight to Winterhold once I finish a quick mission for the Companions (I joined them early this time) and go visit the good ol’ Greybeards. I honestly felt really bad for Farkas when Aela and Skjor were making fun of him. Plus when he was showing to me to the quarters he was like, “They enjoy making fun of me, but they’re good people” like Bruh. I felt So Bad. I love Aela but I wanted to post up. Like yes, Farkas might have dumb bitch disease but they don’t need to be so Mean. Same with Vilkas. I know he’s the stronger and smarter one but it sucks how they all talk badly about Farkas. Ugh, I gotta stop defending videogame characters like they’re people.

I got a note from an unknown male friend (so I know it’s not Delphine) telling me to find the power in Valthuim, which I’m not even sure I know about so I’ll have to check that out once I get all those magic powers I want at Winterhold. In a way, I’ll be doing the same thing I was doing as Toril, except with more knowledge of how to play well, but with a lower level character.

I still play Adept difficulty, but I’m currently at level 5 so I don’t think it matters. I’m focusing a lot more on smithing than I was previously, and dove straight into collecting ingredients for Alchemy. My favorite strategy right now is honestly just chugging a bunch of health potions mid-battle and hoping not to die. Making money is also soo easy, though I’m sure it was before and I was just really bad at saving it; I almost found myself buying a place in Whiterun immediately, but I figured I’d explore a little before that and just chose to join the Companions instead. My inventory isn’t that full yet and I haven’t collected any books, so right now I’m more focused on exploring.

Also, I decided to go with Ralof in the beginning this time. I still think the Stormcloaks are assholes, and genuinely do prefer to stay on neither side, but damn it is fun as hell to act all ballsy when running into the Thalmor. They suck, and it’s fun to just get in their way. I tried once and died Immediately though because I was too weak, but next time, I won’t mind being an asshole to them by letting someone run free.

I have some pretty small goals for right now, which is 1) Not to kill Lydia by accident again, 2) Meet Ulfric since people say he’s an interesting character and 3) Get really good at magic. I know, boring, but I just wanna see all the powerful magical options since originally I just focused on fighting and heavy armor. I still love that way of playing, but I figured a battlemage is just gonna be slightly out of comfort zone but also just really fun to play as. My character is dope as as hell and is still fresh so she just has a lot of potential.

Also maybe me choosing my characters based on how pretty I think they are is probably gonna get in the way, but frankly I don’t mind. I chose the mage stone in the beginning, despite initially wanting to have a cool warrior character again, but it’s ok. I can still live my powerful warrior lady dreams through Toril, whom I still love very much and am missing despite how how awesome Cahira also is.

As I keep leveling up, I’m gonna use my perks on blocking, any magicka stuff, and one-handed weapons and armor. Sure I’ll broaden that as I go, but that’s what I’m mainly focusing on. I’m definitely gonna pay more attention to blocking and armor than I did before because those just seem like really useful skills, and an insanely easy way to make money. I bought some iron ore off a black smith and saved myself so much after smelting it into a ingot and creating hella weapons to sell it back to them. Once again, I’m sure everyone has already done this, but it’s new to me and I’m a little slow at being good at games. But I’m getting there!

So yea, that’s it for today. Me and Farkas have dumb bitch disease, though I still don’t like him Like That™, and I’m still very obsessed with this game. I’m waking up and doing my assignments immediately tomorrow so I don’t slack off the rest of the day, but as soon as I finish chores and excercise I’ll get on it. I’m pretty sure I’m failing gym because I keep forgetting to turn logs in, but it’s fineee. Skyrim will protect me from my fear of failure. Thank you for reading! Hope you enjoyed!

[boy-porridge-vent]

Day 1

***Trigger Warning for most of this post!*** :(

 New vent account, I just have a lot to get off my chest, not right now per-say but in general, a lot has happened and I’m not coping well.

To start off, I’ve relapsed into self harm again

Not only cutting, but nearly everything I was able to get myself to stop doing.

 * I’ve begun to cut again, it’s now to the point where it gets deeper & messier each time I have a panic attack/breakdown (whatever the difference is).

* Im scratching & biting a lot more

* Punching myself until I bruise

* Weighing myself constantly, about 3-10 times a day, it’s in secret though since the scale is kinda hidden in my basement ever since my parents took it away

* Ive begun to check calories & count them. Before this past month, Ive never done this before & now it’s almost like a nervous habit! :(

* I’ve relasped into my an*rexia urges again. I’ve been having trouble with my body image & eating since about 5th grade; not to get too personal, but my mom was & still is hard on me, always called me ugly or fat because of an early puberty that made my body change quickly in a pretty gross way. Had a lot of acne since 4th grade;;; anyways, because of all that, and finding Onision, I was obsessed with his UhOhBro channel around 5th grade & took some of his more serious videos related to starvation & self harm to mind and tried it on myself because, despite him having a stone-cold hatred for it, I was a dumb kid and didn’t listen. So yeah, 5th grade I would starve myself or eat very little; 6th grade I kinda stopped but struggled with my clothing choice/identity more; 7th grade I struggled with gender; 8th grade was when an*rexia came back, more severely than ever, but it happened in short bursts over a few months, I also started cutting but very rarely; 9th I was much more happy & settled down just a bit, really figured out who I was; 10th things weren’t exactly the best, cutting came back & began to be more frquent but not deep; 11th was the worst, I’ve now been eating very little ever since school started, first day back wasnt exactly the best & I ended up cutting again for the first time in months moments after I got home.

 A lot more has happened since then and it’s only gotten worse. I don’t know what to do anymore

I don’t mean for any of this to make anybody upset or possibly relapse/get urges themselves when reading all this, I get so sad when I see others struggling too, I always try to help any of my friends or even random people online if they post a vent. I love bein there to support & help, even help get people to come out of serious relapses! But when it comes to myself, I tend to feel no pity, like I deserve this. There’s something wrong with me in my head, this has been gong on for years, every year feels worse than before, and yet everytime Ive gone to my dad, principles, teachers, or school counselors, they never help! They tell me off, saying Im fine, I dont need a therapist because therapists are scammers, or that I just need to be more positive & get over it.

Ive been told this for years, so maybe… it’s just me who’s to blame. Im the only one who sees what’s happening because it’s not really a big deal. I just make it seem wore than it is in my head. I have friends who care & ask if Im okay, ask if they can help, but honestly they cant help. They can support & I’ll vent to them but it doesn’t fix anything, I vent but it doesn’t fix my mind or my empty stomach or my hand reaching for my same used razor. Nothing has helped and I’m worried that after a while Im going to end up killing myself, whether it’s on purpose or it happens on accident when I go too deep. I have a lot I wish to do in my life, but at the same time, with all this shit that’s happened and how my life feels as if it keeps getting worse everyday, I will admit that at this point if I DID die, I guess I wouldn’t be too upset. I am scared of what will happen after death, nobody knows what happens, but I know that I am legally an organ donor, and I do have part of my will typed up in the case that I do die suddenly one day, so I guess it isn’t too bad.

I will be honest, Ive never been exactly suicidal before, but these past 4 months I think I’ve been legitamately suicidal and ready to go whenever I have a breakdown. Everytime I relapse I think of just ending it all right then and there, but then pussy out because I think about my few friends, my followers on other social media, my pets, my plants, and other people I wish to change the lives of in the future. I want to adopt a kid someday and give them what I didn’t get, treat them as I wished to be treated, help them grow up into the person I wish I had by my side growing up. They’d be my child, I’d be their parent, but we’d also be best friends. I wanted to start my own show, my own comic, my own booth at cons, meet so many people, get married, do music, so many things

but honestly, I don’t think I’ll live much longer after my senior year of highschool. I’m planning on finishing this year out, trying to finish my senior year, graduate, then I’ll leave this Earth with a bang. Maybe literally, or maybe through some other way of suicide, I don’t know. I might even do it sometime before I graduate. Not to make people sad, not for attention and pity, but because I can’t continue on like this, and I want the people who’ve wronged me to see what they did. I want those who refused to help, even when I was in front of them screaming & begging them to get me some kind of therapy or help, to see what they caused. I want them to see that I wasn’t just some sensitive crybaby that needed to get over himself, I want them to see that mental illness can run rampant in anybody & they need to be open to helping those who really need it.

 Ive been through so much. Ive been bullied, made fun of by my own mother, neglected by her, pysically/emotionally/mentally/VERBALLY/and even sexually abused by an ex partner of mine, Ive been literally harrassed, Ive been used solely for sex by nearly every single ex of mine, Ive been manipulated/guilt tripped/gas-lighted/made to feel as if my abuse was my fault, Ive been punished by my school for being abused by my ex! Yet everyone who has ever hurt me in these ways always got away with it scott-free. Why? I have no idea. I like to say that they’re let off the hook because I don’t come to school with black eyes, broken bones, bruises, and mascara running down my face. Abuse is abuse, it doesn’t have to have visible signs. Yet, mine does. I have self harm wounds, not because I blame them for making me self harm (as one of my exes once did), but because of trauma I still deal with that stemmed from their treatment of me. I have nightmares about my ex and her treatment toward me. I get SCARED when my mom comes home. I get nervous walking into school. I hate being touhed physically because it reminds me of so many people from the past getting physical and leaving me in the dirt afterward, even when I trusted them with everything. I hate saying I love you to anybody because of how little it means when others say it to me. Many partners would send hearts & “I love you"s, then throw me out like I was garbage.

I’m so tired of it all.

But maybe it’s all my fault. Maybe Im the problem. Im too quiet. Im too much of a pacifist. I hate confrontation. I hate violence. I hate hating people. If Im hurt by someone, even being abused, I always forgive and let them back in, and I get hurt again over and over. But on the rare chance that I dont forgive, when I do hate them with every cell in me, then for some reason, I can’t get them away, I can’t get them out of my life. They’re always around as a constantly reminder of what happened and how I was used and how I will never change, I’ll never be able to stick up for myself.

 if all that is going to happen in my life involves me being used for sex, money, or compliments to make others feel higher about themselves, then I don’t want to be around anymore. But I can’t just kill myself on a whim and call it a day.

I wouldn’t exactly say this is why I self harm, my self harm isn’t a choice, it just… kind of happens. It’s an addiction; scientifically, it has been proven to have addictive tendencies, which is why it’s so hard to stop once you’ve started/relapsed. I self harm because it’s an addiction that I can’t help, and becaue of bottled up, unresolved trauma that gets worse with every new day that I keep it bottled up for.

 This isn’t going to get better. Sorry for typing out so much too. I have an issue with piling all my thoughts and how I feel into multiple huge paragraphs, so there’s much more of that to come.

Also to come, weight updates & keeping track of what I eat/how long I can go with no food whatsoever. So far I’ve gone about 1/ maybe 2??? days straight, though I stayed home today so I did have to eat dinner, which caused me to gain 1 pound. But I lost 4.5 pounds in that day of not eating, so I can lose that 1 pound pretty quickly. Plus my metabolism is very very fast, so even if I did eat a lot I’d lose all that weight in a few hours/a day or two, depending on how much I ate.

This is day 1 of my further decline.

September 01, 2019

[ainstgirl]

A PICTURE CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE (PART 5)

This is my first fic so…. be nice? English is my third language so im sorry if there’s any misspelling.

Pairing: Chris Evans x Reader

Warnings: None.

PART 1 PART 2 PART 3 PART 4 

It's been a week since the paparazzi accident and it seems that things have calmed down. 

"Since when do you practice yoga?" you ask Sebastian while trying to maintain the posture.

"Since I'm dating a yoga teacher Y/N" he said with a smile on his face. "Wasn't she a swimming teacher?" you ask confused. "She was, but now she's a yoga teacher and she’s forcing me to do exercises, she says I have to be more flexible" " So, you have problems in bed ..." you say laughing and Seb loses his posture. "what? NO! our sex life is great" "are you sure? if she said that you need to be more flexible...." "perfect, now you're making me feel insecure" he says covering his face with his hands. "you know I'm kidding" you hit him in the arm " I'm sure she is happy with your flexibility" you say raising your eyebrows. "who's happy with your flexibility Seb?" says Chris who just entered Sebastian trailer. You were about to tell him what Seb's girlfriend said when Seb interrupted you. "no one" he said. "what are you doing here?" "my scene has been postponed so I have free time" Chris said. "Do you want to join and do some exercises?" you asked him. Chris doing yoga? you have to see it. "I don't know..." he start saying. "hey, if i can do it, you can too! Seb is teaching me new postures" you smile at him "I have 20 inappropriate jokes...." Chris said and Seb laughed. " sometimes I forget that you have the mentality of a 5 year old" you say rolling your eyes. "okay, show me some postures"  he says laughing .

Now it was your turn to laugh "definitely yoga isn't for you" you laugh. "Hey! I'd like to see you play soccer,  see if you laugh so much" Chris mocks you. "Shit, I'm late for makeup" Sebastian screms " Sarah is going to kill me" he says putting on his sneakers " I need to go" "wait! we have to practice tonight  scene, you promised me!" you say getting up. "I'm late, sorry" and with that he's gone. "remind me later to put salt in his coffee" you said to Chris. "I can help you" he said. "I don't need help to put salt in his coffe" "No, i'm saying that i can help you with your lines" he says with a smile. " Really?, you don't need to do this , i'm sure you have things to do" you say biting your lip. "there's nothing else I want to do than help you Y/N" he says looking at you. " Fine" you smile at him "this is the scene" you give him the script. 

"Promise me you'll be careful" Chris said reading the script. "I'm always careful Bucky" you said looking at him. "I'm serious, I can't lose you" he said touching your face as it was written in the script. "I'm not the one the whole country is looking for Bucky" you say with a serious face " i can't loose you either" " I'm the winter soldier remember? I can take care of myself " he touches your lower lip and your heart almost stoped. "I can take care of myself too" you say biting your lip. "so please, don't do anything stupid" "stupid is my second name" and you smiled at him " but i promise, i'll be careful" you and Chris were very close, your noses were almost touching and you could feel his breath on your lips.

He touches your lip with his finger and closes his eyes, this was the moment you were waiting for but when you where about to closed the distance to his lips he sways away. "i just remember that i had something to do so.. see you later Y/N" and with that he left leaving you alone and confused, he almost kisses you?

The rest of the day Chris ignored you, even Seb noticed that something was happening but you didn't wanted to tell him that you almost kissed, besides, you didn't  know what had happened, so better not to say anything. That day everyone went home to celebrate thanksgiving, Sebastian invited you to his house but you didn't wanted to bother him so you told him that you already had plans, and somehow you had them, order pizza and see the last season of Stranger Things, Chris came and say goodbye when you were With Seb so you couldn't talk with him. Later that night you went to your trailer and looked at the picture that Chris niece give you, you love that picture... Seb was right, you need to move on, Chris doesn't love you o he would have kiss you, so you decided  that you were going to go out tonight and meet someone, you were about to leave when your phone rang. "Who the hell calls this late?" you said to no one in particular, and almost faint when you saw who was calling you.....

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I know I told you that this chapter would be Thanksgiving day , but this scene came to me yesterday and I needed to write it! 

Do you like gifs or prefer only text? 

PART 6 

[meridele473]

I have a confession

I dont post. Ever. The reason behind that is because I’m scared. I’m one of those users that just reblog and likes whatever comes up on my feed. I’ve always wanted to be one those users that makes a great post and it eventually goes viral. But I’ve come to accept that may never happen. I’m scared that if post something someone will get made, be offended, or just be plain mean. So I don’t. But a few weeks ago a good friend of mine posted a long message about her fears. And after whats happened tonight I need to relieve mine. 

So first things first Im 21 years old, mexican american, and a woman. I live in a college town where I’m studying to be a historian. Today was a good day. A really good day. First my teacher extends the due date for our big final project, then another teacher cancels class all next week, and finally another teacher gives us a really easy final essay to write instead of taking a test. I get home and my roommates have made cookies. I’m tired so I take a nap. Later after I’ve woken up I realize I don’t have much food wise so I decide to go get some dinner. Things are fine, Ive got my Spotify playlist on and I’m driving home. I’m scared of driving.

Driving has always been a fear of mine. Whats totally normal to you is terrifying to me. I first started driving at 18. I couldn't learn at 16 like most do because I was so busy with my college prep high school. I had been putting it off because I’m paranoid. I’m scared I’m gonna get in an accident. I’m scared I’m gonna kill someone. Anything can happen on the road. My parents forced me to learn because it was my freshman year of college and they didn’t have the time to ferry me back and forth between classes. I went to driving school. Every time I got behind that wheel my arms would tense, my back would tense, sweat would pore from my brow, and I’d feel like crying. Eventually I took my drivers test which I failed. It tore away at my self confidence. I put it off again for almost a year. Eventually I couldn’t take it anymore. If I wanted to go out then I need a ride. All my friends could drive. They didn’t have a problem with it. They were very supportive and understanding of me but I secretly envied them. They didn’t feel the fear that I did. And if they did then they did a much better job at hiding it. I remember finding a quote on pinterest. I don't remember exactly what it said but I do remember it was along the lines of if you want something go get it. I want to be free, I want to go where i want when i want. So I buckled down and passed my drivers test. Time passes and I eventually get more comfortable behind the wheel. Sure i have a few flops along the way but nothing earth shattering. It gets to a point where I’m not scared anymore. Then tonight happens. 

As I’m driving home not a care in the world. I come to a four way stop just before I reach my apartment. Apparently I didn’t stop all the way and a cop saw me. He pulls me over. I completely forgot the procedure for when you get pulled over so I just pull over to the side of the road, turn my music off, roll down my window, and get my license out. The cop comes over. His flashlight is blinding. He asks for my license and insurance registration. He's an older guy. I give him my license but I don’t have a paper copy of my insurance only a pdf on my phone. I ask the cop if the pdf will do. He says yes. I pull it up but as it turns out its an older copy that is expired. So I find the new copy. I had my car checked a few weeks ago so the registration sticker is brand new on my windshield. He tells me that the insurance papers are for my moms car not mine. It doesn’t have my make and model on it. I can feel my hands shaking. The boulder in my chest is getting heavier. I try my hardest not to cry. I don't have any drugs, alcohol, weapons, or any other illegal substances in my car but I’m still scared. I see news footage of people of color getting killed by cops all the time. Will this be me? I think of that part in humiliation just before he dies (spoiler alert hamilton dies at the end). What will happen to me? What will happen to my family? I’m so scared I just want to curl up into a ball and hide. And he tells me that the address on my license is my home address from my hometown not my dorm address. Yes I’ve been living here for over a year but it never occurred to me to have it changed. It’s not like I’m gonna stay in this town forever. Then he tells me he could give me 4 tickets that would accrue 1,200$ total. The cop asks me if I’m going to school. I say yes. The cop asks for my major. I’m so confused. So I tell him history with teaching certification. He says “you need to be alive in order to make history.” Will a verbal warning do? My shoulders slump. I’m so relieved. Yes sir it will. Then in true dad fashion he taps me head with my license and tells me to have a good night. 

I could cry right now. But I can't. I have to get home. I drive home, park, go up the elevator, walk down the hall, and open the door to my apartment. One of my roommates is in the kitchen. She asks me if I’m alright. I joke around about being pulled dover because I don’t want her to worry. She’s a nursing major, she’s got more important things to worry about. I go to my room, lock the door, go to my bathroom, lock that door and proceed to have an anxiety attack. The boulder in my chest is not a boulder but a crow. A crow that is clawing to get out and screech as loud as it can. I’m fine I tell myself. I’m fine. I’m alive. I didn’t hurt anyone. He didn’t hurt me. I don't have to pay 1,200$. I don’t have to do anything. This is bound to happen to all drivers at some point. I don't know how long the attack lasts but I hear my roommates congregate in the living room. I go outside and tell them what happened. They reassure me that this is normal and that my feelings are normal. I am not alone. They’ve been pulled over too. We laugh and joke for hours. We need this. We’ve all been stressed. Fast forward to my room. I’m debating on whether or not I should tell my parents. My dad will be mad. He’ll get angry. He’ll yell. I don’t know what to do. The crow is coming back. Before I know what I’m doing I type out a text to my mom. She’ll understand. She always does. So does my dad. He’s not the scary monster in my head. He’s not. I’m just scared. I send the text. I know she’ll read it in the morning. Both of them have had to calm me down during anxiety attacks before and they've always understood. Hell my dad gets anxiety attacks too. Everything will be fine I tell myself. But . . .

My rent is due tomorrow. I need to get a money order. I need to get groceries. I need to get gas. I need to drive. But I don’t know if I can. My hands are still shaking. All my hard work. 3 years of hard work, all gone in one night. I don’t know what to do. I’m still scared. I need to pay rent. I need food. I need gas. I need to drive. I need this. I need to be free. i can’t be trapped again. I can’t. For the first time in forever I’m letting my walls down. Not completely. I doubt my walls will ever be completely down. I’ve let in so much love and acceptance but I’ve also let in fear. I’ve ben more vulnerable these past few months than I’ve been in a long time. I’m enjoying my life. i don’t want to be sad again. Not again. I’m going to get my money order. My rent needs to get paid. I’m going to get my groceries. I need to eat. I need to get gas. Gas is the only way I can get around. I’m not a coward. I’m not. Not anymore. And I won’t be again. 

 @sebastianshoe

[rpmemestbh]

Please read.

    Hi, guys. My name is Zyra. I run the blog rpmemestbh, which will soon be changed to something less dumb-sounding.

     I just wanted to make a post to remind you all that I am a real person, with real feelings, and I do not deserve to be told to kill myself and/or delete my blog because of sentence starters I make for roleplay. 

     After dozens of these messages yesterday I strongly considered deleting this blog and even my RP blog. But after sleeping on it, I realized something -- this is a hobby. This is for fun, and I enjoy roleplaying and I enjoy making memes for you guys. 

     I realize that some topics I post about will be controversial, angsty, and upsetting. I’m doing my best to tag common triggers, and made a masterlist that you can read right here. Again, I do not deserve to have rumors spread about me, so I thought I’d give you guys a few facts. 

-I have multiple issues in multiple areas of health including GI, cardiac, endocrine & nervous systems.

-I also have a few mental health issues including depression/anxiety disorder and anorexia. 

-I am actually not very easy to upset. It takes a lot to bother me. Being called out on multiple people’s blogs and having lies spread about me WILL upset me.

-Most importantly, I NEVER have the intention of making fun of other people, glorifying any kind of traumatic event or illness. NO EXCEPTIONS. I don’t think these situations are funny, or cute, or something to be joked about.

THAT BEING SAID,

     Everybody has something they won’t roleplay. Whether it’s car accidents or domestic abuse or eating disorders or miscarriages, pretty much everybody has something that’s off-limits. That’s okay. I respect that, and other people should respect that as well. However, it is not okay to tell someone that they can not roleplay a certain situation. It is okay to ask them to tag things, or to unfollow them, but you have no right telling them what to put on their blog unless it affects you DIRECTLY. Being triggered or offended by something does not count because it was not put out there with the intention of hurting you. 

     Some people ( like myself ) use roleplay as a way of coping. A quick example is having my muse have eating disorder habits so that I still feel like I have a way to channel them or act on them without actually hurting myself. 

     I’m sorry this was so long, and kudos to you if you actually read everything (I probably wouldn’t in all honesty. I’d be like tl;dr) but please accept the following apologies & facts:

I am a real person with real emotions.

I am a fellow roleplayer just like you all. 

I do not hate any group of people.

If you do not like my blog, please unfollow. 

But please do not spread rumors and hate towards me.

In addition, please do not send ANYBODY hateful messages, including anyone who sends me an ask that I post.

I put the facts above about my medical issues, etc. in an attempt to show that I am not some super privileged person that can’t empathize or sympathize with negativity.

Some topics are touchy, some should not be joked about. Posting a meme that involves car accidents is not me making fun of people who have been car accidents or joking about the serious injuries and scars they leave, mentally and physically.

I am going to make some minor edits to this blog’s theme, rules, etc. and it is going to be dash-only for a short time while I fix some things.

I am sorry that right now I am not in good enough condition to turn anon back on. If you’d like to request something please feel free to message me IM or in my inbox -- don’t be shy! ♥ if you ask me not to mention you in the post you requested, i won’t do it. i know how self-shaming goes.

I am sorry for any stress I’ve caused whether it was drama on your dash or triggering some bad memories.  I repeat, my intention is NEVER to hurt anyone. My intention is to create some sentence, lyric and symbol starters for roleplay that might inspire writers like us to have some awesome threads with our partners. 

[y0u-aint-shit-t0-m3]

Journal entries

December 11th 2018

I see no point in anything anymore, i am so lonely and sad. No one likes me and no one cares for me. I get myself into situations that i can't get out out of. I act out on the ones who love me, they shouldn't forgive me, but they do anyways.. 

I am just a big problem and i am misunderstood. No one knows how i feel half the time, it's so hard to describe. I feel like I couldn't be fixed even if i tired. 

I am so unmotivated and lazy, i try to get things done but i get to distracted and pulled into a cold spiral of depression or anxiety. It's hard to do anything now, i am so scared that i will never be good enough or i wont get into college or even get through this year alone.

I need to stop going to others for my own happiness and find it myself. I need to stop getting into relationships just to not feel lonely.  

My grades are dropping and i will never get anywhere, all my teachers and friends are disappointed in me and they also think i wont get anywhere either. 

Everyone is always worried about me because they think i will cut myself again or try and kill myself. I don't want to die i just want to be happy and be normal. 

I’m sick and tired of being so problematic and always sad or tired. But i am always sad and tired and i don't know what to do about it. 

I am always so paranoid and it's scary because sometimes i dont know whats real and whats not, sometimes i feel like i'm almost lucid dreaming or in a movie or something. I feel like i'm drifting and something is pulling me back and they won't let go. My mind gets all blurry and i can't focus, i feel like still things are moving on their own. 

I feel exhausted on days where i've had a good night's rest, i just dont want to feel like this anymore, it's a living hell. I want to be free from this feeling.. 

February 27th 2019

it’s a new year.. i thought things would get better but they have gotten worse. i’ve got a new therapist and she’s not helping. i’ve been cutting a lot lately and i’m very scared. sunday i cut very deep, there was a lot of blood. i felt nauseous and sick and the thing that scares me the most is that i thought i was done, i thought that i was gonna bleed out and hours later when it was about dinner time my parents would find me dead. but that didn’t happen i’m here and i’m alive. something that makes me terrified is that the one thing that i go to for release isn’t giving me that adrenaline and satisfaction that i’ve felt before and now i sit here and ask myself what am i gonna go to next, and i’m gonna go to hard drugs or even worse.. suicide.. i don’t want to die but the thing is that i black out when i cut and what if i was to cut to deep and actually bleed out and die. i don’t want that to happen.

while i type this i’m very scared and anxious, i’ve never thought that it would get like this. i would never think i would find myself in my room scared and out of control of my actions with harming myself. just one little accident and it would be all over. i could do it now but i don’t want to. i don’t want to ever die. i need to get my shit together, i know what i need to do to feel happy again but i don’t want to. saddens has consumed me and it’s so damn comfortable. i need to get my shit together, maybe tomorrow maybe in five years but i guess for now i will fake it.

2021 January 13th

I don't wanna do this anymore. I'm in such a deep depression I'm so tired and so exhausted and miserable. The only good thing I have going is my relationship and friends which I good but I want my home life to be okay. I could give a fuck less about school or anything really just so I can feel at home again so I can be happy. Its sucks because I  Rely so much on other people's emotions for my own. I can't be happy if everyone else isn't and i wanna fix it I wanna fix the way I feel but how do I do that when no body is listening. I'm 17, I don't have my license or a job, how am I suppose to find tools without having other tools. I need a therapist but they are so backed up even if I do put in an application for one ill be at the bottom of the list and it'll be probably a good month before I get one. I don't know what to do anymore.

February 22 2021 

I get it not everything is resolved around me, but what's it going to take for someone to notice I am so fucking alone, that I am constantly fighting with myself constantly fighting to stay alive, always wondering what I'm doing wrong always thinking everyone hates me. It fuckinh exhausting I am so fucking tired I let everyone walk all over me always taking advantage of my empathy. What is wrong with me what am I doing wrong for people to not like me, I hate the fake excuses to not talk to me, I hate the snarky comments and all the glares. I feel like im sinking and everyone else around me is swimming everyone else is floating along while I'm drowning I'm trying to hard to stay up above the water what I know how easy it would be to sink, I want to sink. But what's going to happen if I do sink, will I swim with the fish or will I be eaten up by the sharks. Will this ever end, will I ever stay afloat. Will I ever find the confidence or the strength or the tools to stay alive. 

April 11th 2021 

Yesterday you expressed to me that your not sure if you want to be with me and how I am pretty to much for you and your not sure if you want a relationship, we laid down and after a couple minutes I told you that 2 years ago today you first told me you loved me which was kinda ironic considering the circumstances. We then had sex, which I insisted only because I knew it would make everything better. You wanted me to go to a party that I really didn't wanna go to but I went because I knew if I didn't I had really lost you. You said so many different things that night how you know  you love me and how you care about me but how your mindset tells you otherwise and how you're not attached to me as much as I am to you. You left this morning and I texted you and asked how your day was and ypu ignored me. You said you are going to take me out to eat tonight but I just have this gut feeling that either 1 it's not going to happen or 2 it will and it'll be the last time I see you. I don't know if I can get past this, it hurts way to much. You're my best friend my person love I don't want to lose you I don't want to be alone I don't want to see you with other people. It's Hurts so much and I try and say it's my fault that it hurts so much because I overthink so much and that I just can't except love but I can but I say it's my fault so you won't leave. What else am I going to justify so you won't leave. I can't keep doing this. Maybe its just right person wrong timing, or maybe im just too fucked up to be loved by anyone. And the sad thing is If thinking about you and replaying our memories in my head is the closest thing to having you then I’ll do it no matter what . I’d drop everything to spend time with you but you wouldn’t do the same for me.

June 21st 2021 

God what has happened. I've repressed to my old feelings, old playlist, old memories etc.. suicide has been heavy on my brain the past few days, same with self harm and just leaving everything behind and leaving. I feel so lost and helpless and confused into why I am feeling like this again. I cried the other day, the same kind of cry a baby cries when it misses its mother. I have this thought in my head running back and forth of wether I'm okay or I'm not. I'm constantly catching myself spacing off into old memories, like 8th grade. The feeling of being so numb and so tired that nothing could ever fix this feeling like I am so comfortable and so certain that I'm going to feel like this forever. I feel like a zombie. I feel bored. I feel useless. I feel tired, not the sleep tired. Just tired. Tired of pushing and pulling. My brain feels like mush. My body feels heavy and weightless at the same time. My chest feels tight and my eyes feel heavy. I feel comfortably miserable. I miss when I never had to give a shit about anything like school and work and dissipating people. I've done so good lately and held my shit together so well and it's so surprising because deep down I am screaming and begging for a break for someone to say it's okay to feel like shit and have them not be disappointed in me for falling apart. I think about the day I'll let someone read these entries, I think about the day that I'm completely giving up and I release these all over social media. I know that sounds desperate but maybe someone would read these and think maybe there not alone. I feel like I would scare everyone if they knew how I felt. I wonder what I'm feeling is valid of bullshit or maybe its just my hormones or seasonal depression. Or maybe it's just my day to day life. Something I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. (Keyword maybe means yes it's your everyday life) 

June 22nd 2021 

We're on a "break". I don't even know how to feel, I should be crying right now begging you to not leave and to love me and to just change. But I'm not, I'm so calm and unbothered and just numb. I'm so fucking numb. It's like I don't even care it's like im already over it. I guess I wasn't surprised. I don't really have much to say. But I can say this is going to hit me like a train. One little thing, and I think I'm going to snap. 

September 8th 2021

I don't think I can keep doing this anymore, I don't think I can keep fighting. I don't want to, I don't want to deal with these feelings. I can't remember the last time I actually felt okay. I want to feel normal again. I am losing myself. I am losing my mind and I am trying so fucking hard to hold on. I feel like a prop in some shitty movie. I feel like I'm just a background character, if that makes any sense. I am constantly scared, I am constantly having these thoughts of hurting myself. I keep dreaming of better days but everyday is just a nightmare. I  think of admitting myself somewhere, like sending myself away. Somewhere where I don't have to worry about this shit. Somewhere safe, somewhere there are people like me and understand me.

September 15 2021

I  find myself thinking about sending myself away, not because i need to just because i want to. I guess you could say “ need in one hand and want in the other and see which one fills up faster” but i honestly have come to the point where nothing feels real anymore, nothing feels good anymore. Everything hurts everything is scary and everything is unfair. Life is so unfair. Its even worse that i continuously have shitty things happen to me. I have so much untreated trauma that i think im coming to the point where i dont care anymore. I dont care about anything. I don't feel like existing, trying, dealing or fuckinh anything. I can't feel anything, I am so numb. Numb to my core. I am so desperate to feel better. I am going to feel like this forever, I am always going to be a broken person with a broken heart with a broken mindset.