#i need a therapist and i can’t find one that works with my insurance but if i manage to escape that will immediately become an out of pocket

[tonystarkstan]

there was no preparing me for how lonely post-grad life would be lmfao

[primeministerofantarctica]

Mankai Therapy Company

tsumugi vc you guys need so much therapy on god

It started, like it always did, with extortion. 

Or rather, it started at a company meeting. 

“I,” Tsumugi announced, “have great news.”

“You’re getting married?” Citron all but yelled. Tsumugi choked. 

“N-”

“I didn’t hear Tasuku say anything,” Itaru muttered without looking up from his handheld gaming device, still managing to be heard by everyone in the room.

“I’m not getting married!” He closed his eyes and inhaled slowly before opening them. “I - we-” he gestured towards the Director- “called everyone in here to tell you that I was able to contact one of my old colleague’s practices, and they said they’d be willing to do business with our company at a reduced price.”

“Practice?” Muku echoed in confusion.

“He’s telling us to see a shrink.” Yuki said flatly.

“Only if you feel comfortable doing so,” Tsumugi curled his fists to keep himself from wringing his hands together. It was best not to show nerves in these situations. “I acknowledge that it is a personal choice and I won’t force anyone into this. However, if you do decide to take this opportunity, it’s now arranged so that the company will pay for your sessions in full.”

“Am I dreaming?” Tsuzuru blinked. “Did you just say free health insurance?”

“Holy shit, are you crying?”

“No!” He rubbed his eyes quickly. Kazunari patted him on the arm. 

“There, there, Tsuzuroon.” 

Sakyo cleared his throat. “I have a question.”

“Yes?” Tsumugi did his best to make his expression open and nonjudgmental. 

“Or a concern. Where in the company’s budget have these funds been allocated?”

Tsumugi’s smile was unchanging, not flickering or wavering in the slightest. “Sorry, let me rephrase that. Anyone who works for Mankai Company who wants to see a therapist, counselor, psychiatrist, or any mental health professional now can, free of charge, with any copayments covered in full. Is that understood?”

Izumi had to hand it to Tsumugi, the soft-spoken man could be downright scary when he wanted to be. Why was it always the nice ones? 

“I’ll be reviewing this on next month’s budget.”

“Great!” Tsumugi hummed. “Does anyone else have a question?”

“Yeah,” Taichi raised his hand, “why are you telling us to go to therapy? Isn’t that for, like, divorced couples and depressed shut-ins and stuff? I mean, none of us qualify for that, right?”

Tsumugi’s eye twitched. He couldn’t help it. 

“Hey, Tsumugi!” 

Tsumugi looked up from the script he’d been reading on the sofa, politely greeting Taichi in return as the boy opened the fridge and grabbed a soda. He frowned slightly. 

“Nanao, don’t you have school tomorrow?”

“Yep!” Taichi nodded as he popped the soda cap off and took a swig. “Uh, why? Is there something else happening tomorrow?”

“No, I just-” he looked pointedly towards the soda. “Are you sure it’s a good idea to drink so much caffeine before bed? Won’t you have trouble going to sleep?”

“Oh, this?” Taichi laughed and rubbed his neck. “It - okay, this might sound fake, but I swear soda and caffeine actually make me sleepier! Weird, right?”

“That’s certainly…interesting.” 

“Azuma, my dear, my camellia that blossoms in the moonlight,” Homare paused. “Were you, perchance, the one that moved my tea bags?”

“Hm? No. Why, are you missing some?”

“No.” Homare closed his eyes for a few seconds before opening them. “I…apologize for the accusation. Thank you.” He turned around to leave before-

“Aha!” 

“Oh crap,” was all Tasuku could manage before Homare accosted him. “Tasuku, my Adonis, you wouldn’t happen to have moved my tea bags this morning, would you?”

“Uh, yeah?” He blinked. “They were in front of the cereal. I didn’t take any, though, if you’re missing some.”

“I’m not!” Homare reassured him. “I simply woke up to find the lavender and chai had switched places, and the lemon much farther to the left than it should be, which as you can imagine is quite a distressing predicament to find oneself in.”

“I…I really can’t imagine that, no.”

He hummed. “Well, if you do find yourself moving my teas again, please ascertain that they are relocated back to their original positions, would you?”

Tasuku didn’t have the energy to argue. “Okay, sure.”

Azuma chuckled. “Classic Homare.”

Tsumugi bit his lip. 

“Ah, Tenma,” Tsumugi slid a sheet of paper across the table and tapped on it. “This kanji is backwards.”

“Huh?” Tenma snatched up the paper and stared at it, blinking hard. “Oh…oh, yeah, you’re right. Sorry.” He winced. 

“It’s no problem,” Tsumugi smiled gently. “Let’s just correct it and move on, shall we?” 

“Yeah,” Tenma’s ears were still flushed, “yeah, okay.”

“I’ve got it!” Tsuzuru slammed open the door forcefully and marched in like a knight on a mission. A pale, scrawny, sickly looking knight with unwashed hair and dark eyebags. “I’ve got the new script!” He grinned maniacally. 

Itaru looked up. “Five.”

“That’s great, Tsuzuru!” Izumi smiled and took the packet, still warm from the printer. “I’ll read through this tonight and have my notes ready by tomorrow.”

“Are you okay?” Tsumugi asked. 

“I’m fine. I’m great! I’m wonderful!” Tsuzuru said, a little forcefully. 

Citron stood. “Four.” 

“When was the last time you slept?”

“I can’t just sleep, Tsukioka, what if I forget a line or piece of dialogue?” 

“Wouldn’t want that to happen,” Chikage muttered. “Three.”

“Still - sorry, what are you counting for?”

Sakuya just shrugged, half-smiling apologetically. “It’s just easier to coordinate this way. Two.”

“Coordinate what?”

Tsuzuru collapsed face first into Masumi’s arms. “...One.” 

“Taichi’s right, I don’t think any of us need that therapy crap. ‘Cept for Hyodo, maybe someone’ll find out why he’s so chronically annoying.”

Juza elbowed Banri in the ribs. He retaliated by punching his shoulder. 

“It’s a scam anyway.” Yuki spoke up before the fight could escalate further. “Therapy’s just a pseudoscience made to make normal people feel good about themselves by talking to a stranger. No offense.”

Tsumugi steepled his fingers. “None taken. On a related note, how many of you have actually been to therapy?”

Yuki looked away, muttering something about school counselors and zero tolerance policies. Nobody else seemed willing to speak up. 

“I have!” Misumi raised his hand. Tsumugi blinked, trying not to look surprised. 

“Really?”

“Mhmm! I think?” Misumi leaned back on the sofa. “I was really young.”

“What…how was it?”

“They gave me some toys to play with and asked Gramps a lot of questions,” he shrugged. “Don’t remember much else.”

“I…see.” Tsumugi said slowly. “That’s very…enlightening. Thank you.” He coughed. “Still, I have a stack of business cards here, so I would like all of you to take one.”

Banri glared at his card like its existence offended him. Kazunari flipped his over and shoved it into his pocket when he was sure nobody was looking. Misumi also put his in his pocket, but only after forcing the edges down to make a triangle fold. 

Tsumugi prayed that he made the right decision to be so upfront about this. Then again, it wasn’t like anyone else was going to make the first move. 

He had almost forgotten about it, a month later, when Banri stormed into his room and practically threw the business card at him. “Rurikawa was right, therapy’s a total scam. I want a refund and I didn’t even pay anything.”

Secretly Tsumugi was pleased that Banri had relented into going for a few sessions, but he forced those feelings down. “It’s normal to feel upset after a session. But if you feel like you’re being treated unfairly, you can always ask for another therapist.”

“Yeah, I’m being ‘treated unfairly’.” Banri rolled his eyes and sat down on the floor, right in front of him. “You still have your license, right? Why can’t you be our therapist?”

“That’d be an extreme conflict of interest and highly illegal.”

“Didn’t know we cared about the law,” Banri muttered under his breath. 

“If you want to talk, though, I always can as a friend.”

“Right, so,” he waved his hand flippantly. “I was just telling this chick about Hyodo eating my pudding with my name on it, and in the middle she looks me right in the eyes and says Oh, wow, you must really like this Hyodo person to talk about them so much!”

“Oh. Wow.”

“As if! I was just telling you how much he pissed me off, seriously, how dense do you have to be to NOT understand that?”

Tsumugi bit back several comments. “I can’t imagine.”

“Ugh. Anyways. This sucks.”

“Sometimes it does,” he said sympathetically. 

“Tsumugi!” 

He barely had time to blink before Homare’s fingers had interlaced with his, a quick kiss pressed to his temple. “Hello, Angel!”

“Hello, Homare,” he smiled, more than used to these random bouts of affection. “How are you?”

Homare glanced down the hallway quickly before leaning in close to his ear. “Actually, I do have a topic I wanted to discuss with you. Your knowledge on the subject would provide valuable insight on the matter.”

Tsumugi felt the back of his neck prickle. “What is it?”

“Do you think I’m on the spectrum?”

“There’s...a lot of spectrums, Homare.”

He tsked. “True. I- I initially assumed my therapist said I might be on the artistic spectrum, and I told them that I was a renowned poet on the literary arts spectrum, but-” he sighed dramatically, “they simply laughed and gave me a pamphlet to ‘read over’.”

“I see,” Tsumugi squeezed his hand. “And you read it?”

“I…I did, yes.”

Thank god, FINALLY, Tsumugi wanted to say. Instead, he very tactfully asked, “What did you think?”

“I am,” Homare frowned slightly. “Not sure. I’m afraid I must deliberate on the matter further before drawing forth any hasty conclusions.”

“Well,” Tsumugi kissed his cheek. “There’s no rush.”

Hisoka looked left, then right, then cautiously reached for the doorknob before-

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” Chikage snapped, crossing his arms.

“There’s a pop-up sweets shop in the next town,” he yawned plainly. “I want to see it.”

Chikage narrowed his eyes. “I thought you were expressly forbidden from driving.”

“It’s only a few minutes,” he shrugged. 

Chikage’s lip curled. “Are those Tasuku’s keys?”

“He’s out jogging.” Hisoka answered. It was getting harder and harder to stay-

He felt somebody shaking him. “I hope you were planning on asking your boyfriend to drive you.”

“I can drive myself,” Hisoka felt a twinge of annoyance. “It’s fine.”

“Right,” Chikage closed his eyes. “Get in Chigasaki’s car before you do anything stupid.” He shook his head and muttered, “Of all the reckless…I can’t believe you fell asleep in the MRI machine-”

Tsumugi watched the door slam shut on Hisoka’s smirking face. 

[vaporwavedoggie]

Nnnnnng anyone with DID or CPTSD or schizoaffective wanna help me out bc I got questions and don’t know a lot of ppl with what I have

1. What do you do to help w memory issues?? What supplements can you take to help?? Or is this unavoidable

2. How do y’all switch on command like?? Usually something triggers me (negatively or positively) to switch and we just switch. Randomly.

3. How do you get out of brain fog from the antipsychotics?? (I take lamotrigine) Is this a sign I need to change the meds/dosage or would supplements also help with this??

4. What keeps you from going back into psychosis after being in it for a few months? (I was in it from Jan-April, went to the psych ward, got my meds readjusted, got some therapy and did and continue to do constant self help but I’m so terrified of spiraling as bad as I did again bc I almost did something permanent)

5. How do you deal with hallucinations? My hallucinations got VERY bad which is why I slipped into psychosis. Not getting into what happened here, I will if DMed about it, but it was horrific.

6. How do you deal with triggers and triggering intrusive thoughts??? I can’t. Be a functioning human being because of it. I can’t work a normal job that requires no thought and is repetitive or the thoughts slip into my head and I have a panic attack or break down. I’m currently a stay at home mom because of this. I have to be constantly doing something with my brain and stimulating myself in some way shape or form because if not, what I mentioned will happened. I need to provide for my kiddos and feel like I failure because I’m so broken and can’t fucking function like a normal person. I’m going to start going to college to earn my associates in graphic design because I hyper focus on my art and studies but I’m so afraid that it’ll be useless because I’ll fall into the same hole.

7. Do y’all know where I can find a cheap therapist or program that’ll help me get cheap/free therapy?? (I’m talking like $10-20) Every time I go meet up with a sliding scale therapist they refer me to a specialist that’s like $100-300 per sesh without insurance (can’t afford it atm) because they’re “not qualified” to talk about my specific issues.

Yeah that’s all the ones I can think of for now but if anyone can help me I’d greatly appreciate it. Not like I can talk to a therapist about this shit so I gotta turn to the fucking internet and air out my personal business publicly because I’m desperate for help ahahahhahahahahaha

[uncloseted]

how to actively let go of shame and actually love yourself? mantras and affirmations feel so phony and my thoughts actively work to combat them almost, i feel so ashamed of my past and my mistakes that i feel like i can’t overcome them and i can’t love myself because of them? i know it’s important but how to actually make changes that don’t feel superficial, i’m not beautiful or smart or worthy so those mantras make me feel worse :/

Anonymous asked:

How to learn to love yourself and feel worthy in practical ways? Self love and mantras always seem like a mindset I can't learn or truly believe, due to my bad choices and also being treated as unworthy and unimportant and stupid it feels weird to say "i'm worthy, I deserve good things, I deserve love" when I've been show so many time that I'm not and I don't; both by my own failures and actions and by those around me, how do i practically build up self love and confidence in a way that sticks and doesn't feel like phony or like it doesn't apply to me bc I've done such bad things and I was born bad? I know a lot of my fucks ups were due to insecurity and shame and jealousy so I know i need to work on myself, but how?

Anonymous asked:

how to love yourself despite your own past and fuckups? I find it so hard to love myself and develop good self esteem when i can see in my flaws and mistakes and all i know is people treating me less than worthy, i don't feel like self love mantras apply to me because i'm not a good person or beautiful or worthy, and the things i've done and what i am and the way i've been treated prove that, but i know lacking self loves leads to envy and bad choices for me, how i do improve this?

It seems like this is something you're really struggling with and that's really impacting your life. If you can, I would really recommend looking for a therapist who can help you work through these feelings. Mental health professionals have training that can help them figure out what kinds of therapy will work for you and come up with strategies to help you start loving and appreciating yourself. If you're in the US, most health insurance plans do cover therapy, so I would start there. They should have a list of the therapists that are covered in network. PsychologyToday also has a great therapist finder that lets you get a better sense of what different therapists are like, what kinds of therapy they do, and the approach that they take. If your insurance doesn't cover therapy, there are also lower-cost online services like BetterHelp, Talkspace, Calmerry, Alma, and Open Path Collective. If you're a teenager, Teen Counseling is also an option. Working through our feelings is hard, but it's easier when we have someone on our team who can help us figure out what the next step is and keep our progress on track.

Positive Self Talk

All that said, like I was talking about here, I think figuring out how to forgive yourself and, eventually, learn how to love yourself is a process that takes time. As much as I wish there was, there's no magic bullet for self esteem. Building yourself back up, no matter what approach you take, will feel stupid and false at first. When we've spent our entire lives believing one thing about ourselves, we can't just flip a switch and believe something else. Our brains will push back on trying to change the way that we think because our brains truly believe that those thoughts are keeping us safe. But the more that we challenge those beliefs that we have about ourselves and the more that we repeat the alternatives to ourselves, the easier it becomes to start considering that it's possible they're true, and eventually the easier it becomes to believe them.

I want to be clear that I'm not saying you should recite mantras to yourself in the mirror every morning (although that can work, too). Maybe right now, that's way too much. Instead, I would try to notice when you're having a negative thought about yourself such as "I was born bad" and then gently suggest an alternative to yourself. "Is it possible that I wasn't born bad because nobody is born a bad person?" Even if you immediately reject that idea, just considering it is a start. Every time you have the thought that you were born a bad person, just gently ask yourself to consider that maybe nobody was born a bad person. The more times you do that, the more you might be able to get to "nobody is born bad." And then if you keep asking yourself to consider that nobody is born bad, you might be able to get to, "I wasn't born a bad person." The more times you ask yourself to consider the possibility that you weren't born a bad person, then you might be able to get to, "I wasn't born a bad person. Is it possible that I developed these maladaptive coping skills due to something in my childhood or the way I was raised?" It's a long and often slow process, but eventually you can get to "I did the things I did because [insert thing here- didn't have the tools to cope with feelings of jealousy/felt like I always had to look out for myself because nobody else was going to/was raised to feel ashamed of myself for being who I am/whatever], and although that doesn't make my actions okay, I can forgive myself for not having acted differently." And from there, eventually you can get to, "I am worthy of love and respect despite the things that I did." And from there, then maybe you can start looking at yourself in the mirror and saying, "I am worthy! I deserve good things! I deserve love!" But you can't just jump into the deep end with things like this; you have to take it one baby step at a time.

Other Therapies

All that said, for some people, therapies that are focused on challenging thought patterns can be really hard. If that's the case for you, it might work better to take an approach that focuses on acceptance. There are two main therapies in this group- "Dialectical Behavioral Therapy" and "Acceptance and Commitment Therapy". As I said before, it's best if you can find a therapist who specializes in this kind of therapy and who can help you work through your thoughts and feelings. But if that's not a possibility, there are some at-home resources you can use to help yourself.

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is designed to help you manage difficult, intense emotions and to better handle interpersonal relationships. There are some good self-help DBT resources here and here. DBT has four core skills that build on each other:

Mindfulness: these are skills that are focused on being present in the current moment. Mindfulness includes things like observing your thoughts and feelings without judgement, doing a mental scan of your body from head to toe, noticing the emotions you're experiencing and describing them, and exercises where you focus on your breathing. Mindfulness helps us realize that our emotions are impermanent, which allows us to better regulate them when we're experiencing negative emotions.

Distress Tolerance: these are skills that are focused on helping you learn to cope with distressing emotions and difficult situations. Distress tolerance includes things like making a list of distracting activities for when you feel yourself headed into an emotional crisis, using grounding techniques (like describing 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can feel, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste), and other methods of self soothing. In your case, the distress tolerance skill of radical acceptance might be particularly useful, since it focuses on accepting and making peace with things that cannot be changed, like past events, and letting go of the distress we hold because of those events. Distress tolerance skills allow us to be more confident and resilient in our day to day lives.

Emotional Regulation: these are skills that are focused on helping you manage your emotions, change negative emotions, and increase the number of positive emotions you have. Emotional regulation involves things like recognizing and naming the emotions that you're experiencing, accepting that your emotions are valid, identifying distortions in your patterns of thinking, practicing feeling uncomfortable, and coming up with a plan for when difficult situations arise.

Interpersonal Effectiveness: these are skills that are focused on helping you manage your relationships with other people. Interpersonal effectiveness involves things like identifying your communication style, learning how to listen attentively and validate other people's emotions, and how to build trust in relationships. These skills allow us to build a support network of people who can build us up when we don't feel like we can do it ourselves.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) asks us to view "negative" emotions like sadness, anger, and jealousy as a natural part of life, accept that these feelings are appropriate responses to situations that we're put in, and to commit to changing our behaviors so they're in line with our values. There are some good self-help resources for ACT here and here. The book "The Happiness Trap" by Russ Harris is also a really popular starting place. ACT has six core skills:

Acceptance: as with DBT, acceptance is a big part of ACT. In ACT, acceptance involves acknowledging and embracing difficult emotions without judgement or trying to change them.

Mindfulness: also as with DBT, mindfulness is a big part of ACT. The skills you'll build here are similar to the ones I mentioned above- observing your emotions and thoughts without judgement, meditation, doing a mental scan of your body, and breathing exercises.

Cognitive Defusion: Cognitive defusion involves distancing yourself from your thoughts and feelings, which leads you to change how you react to them and to have a more objective perspective on them. Instead of assuming that our thoughts and emotions are true, this skill teaches us to ask whether the thoughts and feelings we have are true. Techniques for this skill can include things like singing our thoughts, noticing the automatic reaction we have to certain thoughts or feelings, or using language to distance ourselves from those thoughts and feelings (For example, "I'm noticing that I'm having the feeling that I was born a bad person" instead of "I was born a bad person").

Self as Context or The Observing Self: This skill asks us to recognize that our physical and emotional states are temporary. As people, we're more than just our emotions, thoughts, and experiences. Because we are not our emotions or thoughts, we can choose how we react to the emotions and thoughts that we have. Exercises in this group can include things like exploring the roles we play in our day-to-day lives and noticing the things that stay consistent throughout those role switches that we experience.

Values: This skill asks us to identify what our personal values are. When we know what our values are and are trying our best to live in line with them, it's easier to avoid acting from a place of negativity (like shame, jealousy, anger, and fear).

Committed Action: finally, committed action asks us to create long-term goals that are in line with our values. What are the concrete steps you would need to take in order to align with your values and positively impact your life?

Final Thoughts

I know this all probably feels like a lot of work, and I would imagine that some of it doesn't feel immediately relevant to your pressing concern. But by learning these skills, either thought positive self-talk, DBT, or ACT, it will become easier to accept your past, tolerate your discomfort with the person that you used to be, change the way that you think and feel about yourself, and change the way that you interact with the world moving forward.

[butmakeitgayblog]

Do you have any advice on doing a task that feels like it has too many steps? I know I need to go see a therapist for my anxiety and I’ve been trying these past few months to arrange it, but I just can’t seem to. Trying to find a therapist that has availability less than 6 months out and that’s covered by my insurance and that I like their description just feels overwhelming. I’ll start and then stop because it just gets to be too much and so now I’m still not seeing a therapist and it’s been months.

My only real advice is break things down into small goals. Don't make yourself feel like you have to accomplish everything in a day because then that day becomes something monumental in your mind you end up yeeting yourself right out of it.

Start by calling your insurance company and seeing if they themselves can give you a list of in network therapists in your area. If they can, task 1 complete, check it off the list. If not (which I don't see why they couldn't, but insurance companies are, by design, little bitches, so who knows), then just search for therapists in your area, write their names down in a list. That's it, you're done for that day.

Next task for the next day, break that list up into smaller groups. A-C, D-G, etc. Then every day, once a day, look into only that smaller group of therapists. Keep going day by day until you've worked your way through the entire list. It can be as easy as just googling them and seeing reviews for them, seeing office hours, seeing distance you'll have to travel, what their specialties are. Anything that jumps out at you.

Rather than trying to fly through a group of 20 names all at once, 2 maybe 3 names at a time feels a lot more manageable. Monday is only A-C. D-G is Tuesday's problem, fuck them they mean nothing on Monday 😤. And keep going with that mindset every single day until you've eventually worked your way through the list. Task done.

Once you've gotten the list wittled down and you've weeded out all the 'Probably Not's into a much smaller group of 'Maybe's, then you can start calling them and actually finding out availability that works directly for you. Again, go in small groups. If you end up with only a list of 5 names and that seems daunting, do 2 a day. If you don't find what you're looking for in that group, go back to your original list and broaden your scope a little more. You'll have already knocked out those other names, so by then the list is still shorter than you started with. That's work done babeeeyyy. Little by little, you'll find the right one.

At the end of the day, there's no real easy or quick fix unfortunately. But as the saying goes, the time is going to pass anyway. The only difference is what you choose to do with it. So your choices are either spending 6 months avoiding the process entirely while also suffering at the same time, or you could spend those days moving yourself forward. Even if it's inch by inch, progress is still progress

[scrawlingschizophrenic]

Nevermind on the therapist I guess. The place I was going to go to won’t even meet with me unless I have insurance, and everywhere else is either full and can’t take clients, or won’t get back to me. I can’t even really understand why I can’t be seen without insurance in the first place if I’m willing to pay out of pocket.

I really wish this was easier. It was a struggle to even find these places, let alone find a time I could call as I’ve been working nonstop and they’re closed by the time I get off.

I’m trying to be proactive, I’m trying to find someone to talk to, I’m trying to go on medication, and it seems like there’s always issues around every corner.

This is already so hard for me. I’m only doing this because I feel like I have to. I’ve never been treated right by anyone in the mental health field, but if I don’t at least keep trying it’s my own damn fault if I fall apart, right? I just don’t understand why non-emergency care is so hard to get. I don’t want to have to check into some fucking psych ward but at this point I may have no choice but to wait until I get that bad to even begin getting the help I need.

You can suffer and struggle as hard as you want, but no one gives a shit about you until you become a problem for them and I’m so tired.

[dissociativediscourse]

Hello! I made a post reaching out to the plural community for help, and somebody recommended me your blog so, here I am!

Lately I've been considering the possibility that I might be an OSDD system, but I'm not really sure given the fact that I have convinced myself in the past that I had some sort of disorder, when in reality I didn't.

I guess my question is... How can you tell? How do you come to the conclusion that you might be part of a system? How can I tell if I'm sabotaging myself? I'm so confused.

I'll link the post down bellow, you don't have to read it if you don't want to, that's completely okay! I just thought it might help given the fact that I list most of my symptoms in there.

Thank you, have a nice day!

https://www.tumblr.com/just-an-anxious-little-mess/714800517560385536/plural-community-i-need-your-help?source=share

Hey, there! I’m more than honored that I’m being recommended for advice, and I’m happy to help!

So, first and foremost: I can’t diagnose you. And neither can anyone else on Tumblr— or anyone that isn’t a licensed professional who specializes in complex dissociative disorders. That doesn’t mean that we can’t help! It just means that you should really take anything you read (anything that’s not professional advice from a specialist, I mean) with a grain or two of salt.

Also, even with a list of symptoms, there’s still so much more that goes into it. Presentation, when and why these things happen, little details that you may not even notice yourself. Things that you’d have to know someone in real life to truly see and know for sure.

Finally, my case is a little difficult to use as a comparison for situations like these; I was diagnosed when I was a mid-teenager, and had no idea what DID even was. It was a bomb dropped on me. I’ve told the story here a million times, but… It wasn’t a case of self-diagnosis. So… Be warned that my experience with self diagnosis of DID is very limited and mostly in relation to those around me.

With all of that out of the way, let’s get started. I can’t tell you whether or not you have DID/OSDD, but I can give you some helpful pointers that may help.

If you’re questioning these things, one of the best things that you can do is look for a therapist. I have a tag (#therapy advice tag) that is featured on my blog that may help you— if it’s not enough, feel free to message me, because I’m more than happy to offer some pointers depending on your situation. It is imperative that you find someone that actually knows how to treat DID and isn’t just a cocky EMDR therapist or a newbie trauma specialist that’s fresh out of their residency and thinks they know everything. This sounds daunting, and it is an involved process. But it is very possible in many cases!

A good thing to keep in mind is that whether or not you have OSDD/DID, you want help/treatment that works for *you*. Many people think that they just need to self diagnose or get a diagnosis and then… It’s healing time!! Well… That’s not really how it works. Diagnosis is a tool that will probably only matter to your insurance— and the great news is that if someone is qualified to treat you for your dissociative disorder, they’ll put that f44.81 right on your bill! Mental health diagnosis isn’t like it is with medical doctors. It… Honestly doesn’t matter that much as long as your treatment is working.

This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t care whether or not you have this disorder. It’s just that the more energy you spend worrying about it, the less energy you’ll have to actually cope with it and get help. And that’s not good!

All this to say that a good goal to set for yourself isn’t “figure out if I have DID/OSDD ASAP and get that hashtag systemlife going!” (Which, I know that isn’t your goal. But that was a fun little sentence, wasn’t it?) — A great goal, though, would be to listen to your mind and your body and begin to work on stabilizing yourself and finding your ability to ground. To extend some feelers and figure out what you need to heal from your traumas. Because while right now it may be scary and confusing, you’re never going to do yourself any harm by grounding and finding your center and learning how to stabilize. You could be experiencing a complex dissociative disorder, and this could be that hard and heavy denial spiral. We’ve all been there. It sucks. You could also be confused… But that’s not bad.

Please remember that whether you have DID/OSDD or not is really and truly of very little importance compared to figuring out how to heal and be present and navigate your life in a way that allows you to live and enjoy living in the present. One mistake that I see very frequently is people ascribing far too much value and importance to whether or not they’re systems rather than whether or not they’re okay.

I know that I’ve gone on tangent after tangent and you’ll have to forgive me— It has been a little bit of a long day. I guess that all of this is to say that worrying about whether you’re correct about your diagnosis isn’t ever going to be helpful for you. Getting help for it is, though. Reach out. Find resources, find a professional, read books on trauma and dissociation. If the help you find doesn’t work for you, it doesn’t. Then it’s time to move on and try a different method! Don’t be discouraged if this happens, as it likely will at some point. It happens to most of us! And it will be okay.

Let me know/know that my DMs/Askbox are always open if you need more specifics or help with the therapy search. ❤️ Please be safe, and have a wonderful night.

[autcnomy]

SO I’m to 3x19 and I adore Lex Luthor but once again am reminded of how he has inadvertently bought his father’s dysfunctional stereotypes about “needing help” and “losing his mind” and “being cured” (HA!) of mental illness. 

I mean, I’m sure it doesn’t help that the last therapist he saw was paid off by Lionel to actively drive him crazy. 

Or lol how Lionel dealt with his first nervous breakdown (”If you’re trying to get expelled, it won’t work” and “Julian is dead, Lex, we both know why!” oh my God really, I Killed My Parents For Insurance Money? REALLY? )  

We both know why so deal with it, right? Push everyone away and feign independence no matter what, right? Get stuck in a vat of green shit naked and relive childhood trauma with the help of the guy who exploited and basically killed Ryan, rather than simply talk to your friend about it and begin to heal, right? 

Oh, this is going to get so much worse. That’s why they added the scene where Chloe asked Lex what he wanted from Lionel, and his answer was “I want him to love me.”  This frames and sets the stage for anything Lex does as a 12-year-old to be tragically sympathetic. 

I’m still about to smack him for his views on therapy, but I also can’t blame him for coming from the toxic culture of “keep it in the family and present yourself to the world as invincible.” 

Noteworthy that Lana is the one who finds him in the present and is the least threatening to him. By now, whatever he and Clark had is on the wan.  The moment Clark threatened Lex physically and willfully misunderstood that Lex is going after Lionel, not the Kents, it was over. The tonal shift between them is unmistakable. Clark does not deserve Lex. Not THIS Lex, at least. But he still expects Lex to come clean about his mental state when he transparently is hiding everything from Lex? Clark, buddy, you need parity for a relationship (Of any kind) to work. 

 The number of times Lex has given Clark a chance to make reparations about his self-centered, defensive and inconsiderate conduct...I’ve lost count. “The Kents are off-limits,” Lex threatens the FBI agents, then literally steps out of his hideout to be slammed against his car and accused of betrayal by the person he’d die to protect. Fuck me. I’m way too forgiving, but by now I’d have kicked Clark out of my life and raised a firm boundary of “not until you do some growing up” before I’d even entertain seeing him again: for Clark’s OWN good. 

[detransition]

I often see more gatekeeping presented as a way to prevent detransition. And while this wouldn’t necessarily be useless, it’s a band aid solution. Working harder to root out the “right” people to transition from the “wrong” people to transition isn’t going to eliminate transition regret. To get at why we have to ask, who are the “right” people? Are they the ones are suffering the most or who have been suffering the longest? Are they the most gender non-conforming ones? Are they the ones persistent enough to pass through checkpoint after checkpoint? None of these things insure that transitioning is going to work for someone: that it’s going to improve their quality of life.

When I walked into gender therapy I was suicidal and had been off and on since I was old enough to understand what death was. I was already being regularly mistaken for a boy. I was adamant that I needed this. My therapist called me a “classic case” and still we talked for almost a year before I socially transitioned. I then spent another year living “full time” before starting testosterone and spent my first six months of testosterone on a low dose prescribed by a fairly paranoid pediatric endocrinologist. I met every requirement. I passed every checkpoint. I didn’t take any shortcuts. And still, here I am: a woman, a butch dyke, further from normality than ever, bitter about what happened to me. Because none of those measures addressed my underlying problem.

What we really need if we want potential regretters to not be certain that they need this is a shift in culture. We need environments without misogyny that are affirming of lesbianism and gender non-conformity. We need girls to grow up free from abuse, supported in their mental health and knowing that they can be anything they want to be and anything they are. We need to encourage them to love and live in their bodies and provide immediate solutions if they find that they can’t. Because by the time that many girls step into a gender therapist’s office they’ve already made up their minds, for good reason, that they can’t live this way.

from e-cryptid (deactivated) | thinking of detransition? you are not alone

[lulubelle814]

Just Dizziness - Chapter 30

Together, we sifted through several recommendations sent over from not only Luke but ones provided by Dr. Shepherd as well.  Tom had a great idea to see if there were any crossovers from the lists which narrowed it down considerably.  That gave us 4 names to continue looking at to see if one stood out among the others.  We knew we had previously seen Dr. Day but wanted to start fresh with someone new.

“Oh, this one went to Oxford.  She’s obviously out,” he said as he tossed that one off to the side.

“Oi!  Just because you're a Cambridge boy doesn’t mean you get to be a snob about this.  It says right here that she’s had massive success helping people in my position, is highly rated, and even does house calls in some circumstances.”

Tom put on a pouty face which fell away quickly.  “You’re right, dear.  I shouldn’t let my school rivalry get in the way of your recovery.”  Placing a quick kiss to my temple, he moved on to another candidate.  

“You know what, I think I quite like the idea of a female therapist.  Just something about it feels safer, easier.”

“I say we go with your gut.  The therapist will be helping you more than anything, and we want to make sure you’re comfortable.”  Tom looked through the candidates and removed the men, leaving only two, the lady with the Oxford credentials and another one we hadn’t had a chance to look at.  Picking up the info sheets, something about her felt right.  She has an office and uses it for those who prefer a professional setting but also meets at people’s homes and alternate locations as needed for appointments with trauma and recovery, works pro-bono with battered women’s shelters, fantastic feedback from past patients, and a degree from…….

“Look, love.  She went to Cambridge!”

Pursing my lips, I wanted to select the other therapist just to spite him, but my intuition said this person was the one for me; however, nothing said I couldn’t mess with him first.

“I don’t know, hon.  I hear Cambridge is kind of chancy with things like this.  Finding you was one in a million, and I feel incredibly lucky, but I don’t think lightning strikes twice.  Maybe we should go with Oxford?  They are listed as one of the top programs for psychology.”

The look of shock on his face was priceless.  How dare anyone insult his alma mater!  I let him stew for a moment before dissolving into laughter.  “I’m just messing with you, love!  Cambridge here actually feels like the better fit.  I can’t really explain it, but she’s the one.  Oxford has all the right credentials as well, but there’s just something about Cambridge.”

Pulling out his phone, Tom looked at the info sheet for the number.  “Would you like me to schedule an appointment?  Or we can wait if you’d like to think about it?” “Probably better to go ahead and schedule rather than put it off.”

“Let's do it.”  Inputting the number, he called.  It rang two or three times before someone picked up.  “Good afternoon!  Yes, my wife and I would like to make an appointment with Dr. Natalie Bertram, please.”

Gripping his hand, I listened in as he answered their questions.  “That would be perfect.  Thank you very much.”  Hanging up the phone, he turned to me.  “They had a cancellation and have an opening in 2 days in the afternoon.  She’ll meet us here at the house for the initial visit and then take it from there.  Her office will be emailing us the paperwork shortly to fill out and send back to them which I can take care of if you’d like?”

“I can help with the paperwork.  You’ve done so much already.”

“I am beyond happy to help and take care of you.  We’re a team, partners. How about we tag team it then?”

“Sounds great!”

Sure enough, the paperwork came in about 20 minutes later.  With both of us working on it, it took roughly an hour to get it all filled out and sent back.  While he worked on the standard insurance forms, I started on the mental health and history questionnaires.  Once he finished the insurance forms, we worked on the questionnaires together.  By the time we finished, we were both famished and ordered Chinese take away.

The following morning, Tom called a company Luke recommended to him about coming to fix the garden fencing.  It was pure luck that they had someone nearby who had some time between projects and arrived roughly thirty minutes later.  He introduced himself as Keith and took a look at the back fencing Tom showed him as well as the other sections and the side gate. 

"Fixing those parts of the fence by the gate you showed me is definitely not a problem. We can have someone over early next week.”  

With that all set up, we looked at options to have a dog door installed, whether to have one built into the wall or simply have one placed into the sliding glass door.

“Well, that seems like an easy one.  It seems to be better to have one placed into the door.  Plus they have all sorts of techy ones so that only Bobbers can get in and out and none of those stray cats that like to antagonize him that I’ve seen.”  Tom quickly agreed.

We spent the evening looking at various options, eating take away, and watching telly.

I woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, confused again. Unable to help myself, I began to shake and cry. As if sensing it, he woke up as well, embracing me from behind. I leaned into him, turning to face him and bury my head in the crook of his neck. 

He tried to ask if I wanted to talk about it, but words escaped me. So he rocked me back and forth, cooing in my ear that everything would be okay. 

It was a while before I was able to calm down. "Would you like some tea?" I nodded, and he left. Bobby wasted no time in taking his place. When he returned a few minutes later, Bobby refused to move, but once I finished my tea, I moved him to the other side so he could be the tiny spoon, me the middle spoon, and Tom the big spoon.  Although Tom fell asleep shortly after, sleep didn't come so easily to me, and I wasn't sure I wanted it to.

Chapter 31

[vtforpedro]

health update TW in tags

I had to find my last update to see where I left off. Oofta. Things have progressed in both a good and bad way! I’d love to say only good lol dear god I wish I could say everything is just g o o d for once. I’m currently going through an emotional upheaval because of how badly my home life is and coming to realize I’m in an abusive situation with the last person on earth I thought that could happen. I’ve lost the last safe person ‘in real life’ that I have because of this. My mom. She is my solid rock and 100% full time supporter and this situation of becoming my nearly full time caregiver and the stresses it has put on her (let alone me) have, uh. Well, brought out the worst. It’s devastating honestly. My therapist has been a little too pushy for my liking trying to get me to hire home health help but 1. money 2. insurance would need a diagnosis if we went through them and idk if ‘hey we sliced up her nerves in her back during an LP and didn’t find out until five months in’ would cut it 3. I don’t really need it anymore. But yeah emotionally I am wrecked. My mom refuses therapy or family therapy so I have to keep surviving this kind of horrific situation I’m in lol it’s been bad the entire time but I finally snapped months into it and started laying down hard boundaries and for those of you familiar with abusers, you’ve probably experienced the joy of their reactions to boundaries. :) It’s situational because my mom has never been this way with me in my life but I feel like 31 years went down the drain in *months* and the things she’s said and done can’t be completely recovered from. I don’t know what to do. Once I’m out of this situation I can tell her that the only way I will ever feel comfortable being open with her again is to do family therapy but 🤷‍♀️ can’t make her do anything, so we’ll see. Physical health wise re: the LP horror show? BETTER! I’m getting better. I started physical therapy a month ago and I think I’ve had 6 sessions? Maybe 7? Idk. Leaps and bounds. I can sit on a toilet by myself. I can sit and stand everywhere but one place by myself and it’s only because my couch is wasted lmao and I need help up for the same reason. Otherwise? All me. We’re practicing getting up by myself from my recliner (can do just fine) and getting down and comfortable with everything I need (still a work in progress) so my mom can go to her home more and work more and we both get independence!!!!! I am going to sit at my computer chair and see how long I last before it hurts but I need my body to get used to sitting up again. Otherwise, the two guys I work with (one, mostly, as the other is v quiet) is THRILLED with how well I’m doing and that even if I’m tired/in pain I get through PT every time. I’m super psyched actually. Legit PUMPED every time I step into this place. It feels fantastic. I can’t wait to see where I am in another month. Maybe out of this recliner except when I willingly want to be in it 😂 but still gonna pace myself and listen to my body. I saw my pain specialist yesterday (who ordered the PT) and I told her and she said she had literal goosebumps and she was so happy for me. It felt really good to hear ;3; Unfortunately, head pressure is getting bad but hey at least I got the LP done 🙄 need to lose weight and adjust meds and hopefully get the rest of my normal life back someday. Gonna needs lots of trauma therapy to get there too. So that’s far off. I’ve not been feeling too well lately generally tho and I’m nervous b/c I have labs for my hematologist on Monday and she wants to check for ‘other leukemias and lymphomas’ so hhhhhh. I’ll see her a couple weeks after that and I’m afraid she’s gonna order the bone marrow biopsy but u_u what can I do Anyway. Hope you’re all doing okay. Love you all and thanks for always listening and supporting me. It means the world. 💜

[charlottelerose]

A Six Year Bullet and the Checkered Flag that Followed

This is a follow-up to my post, The Weight Of It All. You do not have to read that first.

It has been more than six years of trying to get one gender-affirming medical procedure in the United States. The details of how they tried to murder me don’t matter so much as the strategy they used. At first, they used the standard “Not medically necessary” response that every single United States citizen with a net worth below $10,000 is keenly aware of. When The Affordable Care Act provisions went into effect that prevented exactly this sort of nonsense, they shifted tactics. Now they were more than happy to cover this procedure voluntarily, as in, they voluntarily decided to follow US law. So, I got all the forms signed, all the documents needed setup and approved and submitted for pre-approval and signed again and submitted once more and the insurance gives us a big like emoji and the surgeon provides me a date for the surgery, two years from that day. The clock was ticking and everything was quiet until one week before the scheduled procedure, the insurance companies decided they suddenly didn’t have enough documentation. The notice came at 4:55 PM on a Friday and no amount of communication between my surgeon, doctor, therapist, and the murderers, would convince the murderers to maybe not try to murder me, pretty please. So, since I can’t come up with tens of thousands of dollars on the spot, suddenly my appointment is cancelled, and I’m told to start over.

This exact scenario will play out two more times.

The third is when I wrote my anger into the void of Tumblr. “We’re just trying to make sure you get accurate healthcare”, lied one insurer over the phone to a sobbing trans woman. They would then go on to refuse to pay for any of my hormones.

This point isn’t about the murderers working at the highest levels of insurance companies in America, this post is about what I decided to do about their attempts on my life.

When my then-girlfriend heard my crying on the phone, she immediately booked a flight to the US to help however she could. The next two months were spent strategizing and coming up with options. It was clear the insurance companies were going to continue to exploit this legal loophole as often and as much as possible, so everything we came up with was based on medical tourism; the wonderfully expensive retreat Americans invented when they need to find healthcare outside their country. My then-girlfriend happened to live in one of those countries, so the decision came down to moving in with her and seeking help elsewhere.

The next two months we’re fraught with difficulties. Turns out, if you’re staying longer than a certain number of days somewhere, countries will require numerous documents and background checks to allow you to do so. My child also needed a passport, and thanks to the current wave of anti-lgbtqia+ bills being passed in the US, nearly half of everyone in that category was also trying something similar to me. Even with paying for expedited shipping and processing, we got the passport only two days from the fly date on our tickets. I was also working this whole time while we tried to figure out how to store a lifetime’s worth of stuff into the cheapest possible storage unit. We saved maybe ⅓ of my personal belongings, losing so much furniture and gifts to the nothing of donation bins and quick Craigslist deals. I was working the entire time as well to pay for the plane tickets back.

The flight took twenty-six hours. A whirlwind of security checkpoints and removing shoes and paying fees, and I was finally in a new country whose language I barely spoke, rooming with my now-fiancé.

The following will sound literally impossible to other Americans, but I swear on my citizenship to the richest country in the world that it is all very true.

We called a doctor who specializes in transgender healthcare, specifically the kind of surgery I need. He saw us the next day and the conversation cost me $30 USD without insurance. He told us we can do the procedure the very next available time-slot. That was thirteen days away from that point. He was horrified at some of the things we told him about how the American healthcare industry works. We got a quote of about $10,000 USD for the surgery. Again, without insurance. My chin hit the floor. Selling the whole of my life’s possessions netted me just about half of that, but it was so cheap compared to the 10x cost back in the US that I practically hugged him on the way out of his office.

We had twelve days to come up with about $5,000 USD, but it didn’t really feel real. In fact, the next twelve days were mostly just me working and not wholly understanding the doctor visits or tests I was having, as I moved through a system not set up for tourists in an almost zen-like trance. My fiancé would tell me she tried to explain what was going on or where we were going, but I just sort of let the words wash over me. I honestly can’t remember a single specific detail about most of the process myself, most of this post is heavily fact-checked by her. The only clear memory I have is: “hold still, I need to cut you”.

Preparing for the surgery, I was required to get every possible blood test, a urine sample, a healing test (the kind where they cut you to see how fast your blood clots over the wound), something called a mandibular scan, an X-ray, and an electrocardiogram. I also needed to get them a copy of my entire medical history. All of which, together, cost me $300 USD ($200 of which was the skull x-ray and mandibular scan) and was done over the span of three days.

I felt nothing, and time passed peacefully as we borrowed money from friends and family to pay for the procedure. Emotionally I was still a wreck, but mentally I was fine— kind of. I’m the kind of person who, if she has a list of tasks to do and someone to get me places, can zone out completely and wake up two weeks later in a hospital gown to a doctor standing over me saying “Don’t worry. Everyone I have ever told will have sweet dreams has had sweet dreams. Sweet dreams.” as he places the general anesthesia mask over my mouth and the heart rate monitor spikes. It was that moment that everything became real, and I had about three seconds to come to terms with the fact that I was, finally, about to undergo a major and life altering surgery.

Fourteen days, about $14,000 USD, and the loss of almost all of my worldly possessions overcame six long years of trolls hiding under bridges.

Note: I prettied up and omitted a lot of the ugliest facts of this mostly for brevity, partly so that this doesn’t become a platform for me to sit down and bleed onto— and partly so that the personally identifiable information wasn’t there.

[traumatizeddfox]

Hi there - I’ve followed your blog for a while now, as I’ve been through some horrific abuse in my life and I can relate to the things you post.

I’m having a really horrible night after a week of just straight up not having a good time. I don’t really have anyone I can reach out to so I hope it’s okay that I vent here. I am not asking you, Dear Stranger, to fix any of the things I’m struggling with- I simply want someone in this world to see the depths of the pain I am in. You don’t have to read this or respond if you don’t want to.

I am feeling incredibly overwhelmed and the distress I am in is absolutely intolerable. All of the non-harmful coping mechanisms I know aren’t working and I’m frightened. I want to off myself so bad. I want to turn back to SH. I want to find someone to beat me half to death because that’s all I deserve.

I hate myself so much. I’m two-years-free of the the abuse I experienced and now I have a beautiful home, a dog who is the goodest girl in the whole world, a partner who is kind and compassionate and gentle, and a community of people who care for me deeply. I’m sober, I’ve been in therapy basically all my life (I’ve been working with my current therapist for three years), I’ve found the right meds. I thought I was far enough into recovery that my ED isn’t an issue. I’m doing everything within my power to stay healthy and to care for myself and yet… I’m broken. My brain is a cruel, dark cage that I pace within, all anger and venom and grief.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me at this point. No matter what I do, my mental health isn’t getting better. I have all of these wonderful blessings in my life yet I’m suicidal. I don’t know how to continue like this. The pain is intolerable. I’m so fucking tired. I’m tired of trying everything and nothing working long-term. I’m only 25 years old, and I cannot imagine living like this for a full lifetime. I am in so much fucking pain and I just can’t do this anymore. I feel like a horrible person. I feel so much shame for being fucked up beyond repair.

I don’t know what to do. I’m not at a point where I am actually going to make a plan and follow through, so I’m not “bad” enough for inpatient. I went inpatient multiple times before after my many suicide attempts and I’m not in need of that level of care. Yet, the level of care my therapist and psychiatrist can offer isn’t enough. I feel like I’m stuck in this in-between place, where I desperately need help before i get worse (because I know where this leads and I’m going to get worse if this keeps going). It doesn’t seem like there’s help for people like me, people who are doing the therapeutic work, who are sober and on the right medication, and have been working towards recovery and mental-illness management since they were children, who have been lucky enough to be able to utilize every resource this fucked up American system can offer, yet are still suicidal. I don’t feel like there’s any hope for me at this point.

I know that when my parents die, I’m going to kill myself.. Because reasons, I can’t work enough to afford to live on my own (my parents help me financially) and when they die, I’m not going to be able to support myself. I also can’t qualify for anything like disability because I can keep a job (part-time, minimal hours but it’s not enough to support me long-term). I won’t be able to afford my medication or therapy without insurance. If I go off my meds, that’s it, I’m as good as dead. Literally, being on my medication right now is the one thing separating me from life or death. If I go off my meds, I will kill myself, full stop. I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to do.

I don’t want to hurt my parents and my partner and leave my sweet dog all alone by killing myself, but I’m so fucking scared I’m going to get worse and I won’t be able to handle it anymore. I just can’t do this anymore. I don’t know what to do. I just want this fucking pain to end. I want this to be over. Please, why can’t this just be over? I’m doing everything I can and it’s not enough. I’m still suffering to an intolerable extreme, all because of my stupid fucked up BPD traumatized brain. I’m so fucking done.

i’m so sorry angel :( i wish i could help you feel better, i really do. It’s hard when we have good things happening but still feel like shit :( it happens and healing isn’t linear. there will be bad days and there will be good days and then there will just be days. i really wish i could say more :(

[jacquesthepigeon]

You’re right, I have never gotten therapy before but I have been trying meds very recently. I need to start doing therapy with it. I never talk to anyone about my problems 💀 It kinda scares me to open up because I’ll get really emotional. Any advice?

I suppose it depends on what resources you have available

In my case I recently went to my uni’s social worker who made me an appointment with a psychologist who gave me a PHP referral where they found me a new psychiatrist and referred me to a group therapy organization

If u have access to a free social worker, I suggest you start there. They evaluate your needs and do what they can to get you squared out. If you can’t get free social work services or prefer to go straight to finding a psychologist/therapist, it’s all trial and error until you find one you like; check your insurance’s directory and treat it like a therapy hit list until you find one that works.

I wish you luck on your journey to recovery!

[findingmypeace]

9/26/2022

I’ll write a little update about my first day of work but that’s not really what I want to talk about. My first day was great. Everyone was kind and welcoming. I’m going to have to get used to being called the boss, cause I am, but I’ve never been a boss before. It’s pretty cool. I sat in on some groups as I was shadowing a therapist. They were great. But my afternoon was spent signing and filling out paperwork. This week is mostly just training and then next week I’ll start doing my actual job responsibilities. Overall, I think it’s going to be a great job.

But what I really want to write about is my life outside of work. Today around 3pm I finally got a response from K about if she’ll take my new insurance. I had forgotten this but she doesn’t take any insurance at all. She only took mine because she had a single case agreement which she is not going to do anymore. Bottom line, she can’t see me anymore unless I’m willing to pay $180/45min session ie: pay out of pocket. I might do that one or two times just to say good bye but I have to wait until I get my first paycheck.

I am absolutely devastated. Maybe how attached I am is a sign it’s time to see someone new but that’s not what I want. K has been with me through so much. She made me feel safe. When my parents moved out of my hometown I said I felt untethered. I feel that way about losing K. I’m scared. In fact, I feel overwhelmingly alone. At this point I only have two support people in my life (LS, and my friend from treatment) and that’s it. On my treatment team I only have my psychiatrist. I am so alone. I don’t think that’s a good thing. I don’t think being so alone will work out well. I know I need to make new connections but I’m not quite sure how.

I already miss K so much. I don’t know what I’m going to do. K keeps telling me to ask the treatment center for referrals or look on my insurance website. But my treatment therapist called this evening just to see how I was doing and when I asked for referrals she told me she can only give me PHP referrals because that’s the level of care they’re recommending. And as far as my insurance website I’m only going to have my current insurance for two more months and then I’m switching to the insurance through my work. That means finding a new therapist now might not be a good idea unless that person also takes my new insurance. Basically, I’m going to be without a therapist for the next 2-3 months. And, my friends from high school aren’t talking to me, I’m not talking to my parents, I just discharged from treatment, and now I’m losing my outpatient therapist. It’s too much. I can’t help but cry. There’s too much loss. I am devastated. I don’t know what I’m going to do.

[figuring-sh-t-out]

i’m baaaaack..

hello, friends! i’m back and better than ever. not much is new. my laptop that i have always loved/dreamed of is seriously fucking up. the screen is going crazy, and i can’t find a place that will fix it for under $450 (except best buy, so i have an appt with them this weekend). idk why, but it’s seriously stressing me out. i’ve been completely off the rails about it, obsessing over finding a good deal and calling people. for some reason i feel an attachment to it though because it’s extremely expensive, and my mom got it for me for my college graduation... it’s honestly probably smarter to sell this one that’s malfunctioning and get a new one, but i don’t really want to. when i say i had dreams about owning a macbook one day, i am not lying. this is my favorite thing ever, so i’m so sad that the screen is broken/breaking (i don’t really know). luckily, it’s super on and off right now, which makes me slightly hopeful. i can deal with a little mess up, but when it’s completely covered in random red squares, that shit stresses me df out.

other than this very annoying event, nothing else is new...at all. i am a little worried that in just under 2 months, i am completely on my own when it comes to car/health insurance, but let’s face one battle at a time. lol...i’ve also been looking into phone plans/new phones because mine is probably on its last limb, but that’s on the back burner. one thing at a time!

oh shit...well i did get new roommates and a new bf (if i haven’t discussed this previously lol) the first roommate to move in was alyssa, and although she’s incredibly loud when doing things around the house and has no concept of leaving me alone even when my door is closed, she’s been fine thus far. she also unplugs everything in the house at all times, which gets a little bothersome when trying to use things. she’s actually stomping around upstairs now :-))))  my other roommate claire is totally fine. she’s a little more wild than i am, but we get along great. it’s probably because she’s always working and never home. i can’t complain at all though.  i’ve also moved down into the master bedroom of my townhouse. yes, the SAME townhouse that i love so much at the beach. i gave up on school, which makes me sad deep down. it’s because it was INCREDIBLY hard to do a full time job and school. i literally have no fucking idea what i’m doing. probably just being a dental office receptionist for the rest of my life? couldn’t tell you.

shaqy and i (my bf) are great! we never fight and it’s probably the least toxic relationship i’ve ever been in. he doesn’t entertain my toxic bs, but at the same time, i just sometimes feel very unheard by him. he’s never understanding of how i’m feeling as far as anxiety goes. hmm..maybe my new health insurance will include mental health if that’s not too expensive lol. i need a therapist.

okay anyways, my laptop is going ape shit again, so i’m blowing this popsicle stand. not sure when next time is, but until next time...thanks for always being here to get it all out whenever i need it. xoxoxo