#i dont even have twitter i just wanted to see if ppl were still freaking out over bdubs

[cubecrunchie]

[image id: screenshot of a tweet made by slabber @/slab_enigma, who's profile picture is an image of Etho's minecraft character blocking with a diamond sword. it reads "hi, I'm new to dark Twitter. I'm a fan of Etho. I love Etho so much. I'm interested in friends from slabtwt and hermittwt, and also people who talk a lot about BdoubleO100 and boost his ego 💯 /srs." it is tagged with #hermittwt, #slabtwt, and #mosstwt. the tweet includes two images, one of Etho's minecraft character standing a bit off to the side in his room under Bdubs' Hermitcraft base, and a closeup of Bdubs' minecraft face, positioned as if he has smooshed it against the camera. the tweet was posted at 5:05 AM from an iPhone at August 1, 2022. it has absolutely no interaction. end id.]

.....Bdubs, is that you?

[hauntedzone]

ok so i saw one of ur posts that was basically like “a lot people who support fat activism still have a subconscious fear of fatness” and i guess im just asking you to explain a bit??

why is it wrong for people to not want to be/fear being fat while also acknowledging that fat ppl obviously deserve to be treated like human beings? i genuinely can’t understand why that would be a problematic thing

obviously you don’t have to explain anything since it’s ur blog and you don’t owe me anything but i was just a bit confused so yeah

ok so, let me clear one thing up, i actually avoided talking about the desire to not BE fat yourself in that post because i think thats a bit more complicated and there are valid reasons such as, for instance, noticing fat people are treated like shit and not wanting that. i do think that if you fear gaining like 10 lbs or going up a size, theres something irrational about that, but that ALONE is not really what i was going after.

its when your fear of getting fat is so obvious it bleeds into how you perceive and interact with fat people, yknow? its when you speak body positivity but you dont talk to fat people, you dont make art of fat people (or you make art of fat characters but make them noticeably skinnier!), you reblog thin models exclusively etc. when you see someone attracted to fat people and claim theyre a chaser or freak. (sort of like that twitter weirdo who said being attracted to short women makes you a freak.) when you say all bodies are beautiful but its really obvious you dont want to even look at fat people

its the sort of thing thats unspoken but fat people can see a mile away. as someone who has lost a lot of weight over a short period of time, the difference of how youre treated when youre smaller is INCREDIBLY noticeable to when youre bigger. and im not talking about blatant things like name calling. its honestly quite disheartening when you think about it too hard.

im not trying to call anyone problematic. im observing that were in a transitory period and going from "fat is terrible" to "fat is okay" or even "fat is good." people want to show that theyre moving with the time so of course theyll change their rhetoric. what im saying is, when people arent changing their thoughts and actions as well, they dont hide it well

dont rb; tags are for trigger warning purposes

[babyflossy]

exposed | p.js

pairing: jisung x reader

requested: i’m working on loads of request atm but when i saw this i had to write it straight away lmao

summary: when dispatch reveals your secret realtionship with jisung to the public, the fans aren’t the only ones surprised.

warnings/genre: unedited, kinda just self-indulgent fluff, lots of words, not much happens

word count: 1.7k

a hand on your shoulder breaks you from your slumber, words already being spoken at you. in your sleepy haze, they floated straight through your head, mind still groggy from being woken up so suddenly. as soon as you recognise the voice as your manager’s,  your eyes snap open, meeting equally wide ones over the head of your manager. haemee, your leader, shoots you an apologetic look, something unsettling for so early in the morning.

“what happened?” the words are quiet and tired and your manager sighs in pity, handing over their phone. your eyes squint in response to the brightness, stomach dropping when your eyes finally focus on the news article.

BREAKING; DISPATCH REVEALS UQS’ Y/N AND NCT’S JISUNG ARE DATING.

the title is accompanied by three photos; one of you at a fansign, smiling at a fan, one of jisung waving at a camera in the airport, and then a blurring photo of two figures walking hand in hand through a park at night. the park you and jisung had visited two weeks ago. 

“there’s a meeting at the company. can you get ready quickly, please?” despite the ‘scandal’ and the stress your manager was most likely under, she shoots you a comforting smile and ruffles your hair before leaving, phone already ringing. 

as soon as you and haemee are left alone you reach for your phone, feeling the bed dip as she sits beside you. she rests a hand on your shoulder, rubbing her fingers down your back soothingly. your lockscreen in full of text messages. you thumb through them, seeing many from jisung, along with the other nct members you were close with. you ignored them all, only searching for the ones from your boyfriend.

jisungie <3: have you seen it yet?

jisungie <3: call me when you see this

jisungie <3: are you okay?

jisungie <3: i know you didn’t want ppl to find out like this

jisungie <3: let me know you’re okay plzzz x

“it’s gonna be fine, you know?” haemee’s hands abandon your shoulder and take your phone out of your grasp, tipping your chin so she can look at you. there’s still a smile on her face and you’re reminded of why she’s the group’s leader instead of anyone else; always able to keep things calm. “think about all the other idols that have dated. i bet the fans were expecting this, anyway.”

that was probably correct, you knew. ever since you and jisung had starred on a dancing show in america together, your social medias were full of edits of the two of you, compilations of your interactions from the vlogs you had filmed. as jisung wasn’t fluent in english you had translated for him and done the speaking whenever you ordered food, giving the fans loads of things to include in their edits.

the show had been fun and you had kept in close contact with jisung after it ended, eventually deciding to start dating after months of pining over each other. since then, only haemee, taeyong and the company knew, although you expected chenle knew as well due to the teasing you got whenever you met jisung outside of your training hours. 

when haemee left you to get ready you took your phone back, unlocking it and calling jisung as you flicked through your wardrobe, trying to find your hoodie. the call connected after the first ring, jisung’s voice echoing over the line and into your bedroom.

“are you okay?” although there was high chance you were about to be scolded for days, the worry in jisung made your heart beat just a little faster, a reluctant smile taking over your face. 

“i’m fine. what about you?” spotting the lilac hoodie at the end of your closet, you pulled your sleep shirt, jisung’s shirt, over your head, replacing it with the warm softness of the purple material. you followed it with a pair of jeans, slipping a face mask on after realising there would probably be reporters outside the SM building already.

“yeah, i’m fine now. i freaked out at first, though,” he chuckled, shouts coming through from his end. “jaemin came in screaming about how he was so betrayed i didn’t tell him, i had no idea what he was talking about.”

“what’d you think is gonna happen?”

there was a pause before he spoke and you had time to grab your bag, throwing in your headphones and a spare mask along with a pair of sunglasses incase. “i’m not sure, taeyong said he’s hopeful, though. so it might not be that bad. it’s not like the company’s finding out about it, though, so it might just be press and stuff.”

“yeah, i hope so. i’ll see you in fifteen minutes i guess,” before you left the safety of your bedroom, you reached for the bucket hat hanging from the corner of your chair, pulling it over your face to hide your eyes. you looked ridiculous, like you were planning to rob a bank, but you guessed it was better than the alternative; hundreds of photos released of your sleep-deprived, drooping eyes.

no one else in the dorm is awake and you’re able to slip out the front door before haemee catched you again, taking a deep breath before heading outside to the car waiting. as it’s just you and your manager, you’re able to sit in the front seat, something you would normally be ecstatic about but due to circumstance it feels lonely and cold. not a word is spoken until the car reaches the entrance to the SM building, throngs of people with cameras waiting outside the front door.

“we’ll go in the back entrance.” you manager says with a frown, eyeing the reporters with concern. “god, it’s impossible to get any privacy nowadays.”

after security escorts you through the back door, pushing reporters out the way when they got too close, you can finally breath properly. for the most part you ignored their questions, signing the first song that comes to mind in your head to distract yourself. ironically, it’s chewing gum, and you realise with resentment it’s going to be stuck in your head throughout the meeting.

upstairs, taeyong and jisung sit on the opposite side of a glass table, two seats left open for you and your manager. their manager stands and motions for him and your manager to talk privately outside, leaving you with the two boys. you take off your hat as you sit down, pulling you mask down so you can talk properly. jisung’s tired eyes crinkle with a smile when you do, a smile you return eagerly.

for a moment you see taeyong think over what to say in his head, trying to find the right words for the situation. eventually, he settles on what your own leader had already told you. “i’m sure this will be fine,” and as if he realises how cliche his words are, he adds “in the end.”

“in the end? what’s that supposed to mean?” jisung tears his eyes away from you to look at the older boy.

“well, i mean, it’s gonna be a big deal at the start,” he states matter of factly, eyes switching between the two of you. the voice he uses is just as level and calm as the one haemee uses whenever she’s trying to sort something out, it must be a universal thing. “the press and the fans will go crazy for a bit, let alone everyone you didn’t tell.”

the reminder makes you dread going back home, knowing the rest of your members will blow this way out of proportion. you were the youngest, and they always managed to be overdramatic whenever it came to you ‘growing up’ as they had put it so many times. none of them knew you were dating jisung, and you could already picture the gloomy pouts you would get for the next few weeks.

after your managers returned, a few more staff entered, filling the last few seats and closing the door, successfully locking you in. they talked for what felt like hours, only occasionally asking you or jisung a question. they decided the easiest thing would be to just come out and admit it, allowing you and jisung a moment to disagree. you locked eyes for a moment, having a silent conversation between yourselves. you raised you eyebrows in question, taking the minuscule nod he sent your way to be the go-ahead.

“i don’t see why not,” you answered for the both of you, smiling at your manager who nodded in agreement back at you.

you don’t get a chance to say goodbye to jisung properly before you leave the building, the staff ushering you in opposite directions to get your schedules for the day started. in the car on the way back to the dorms you send him a text promising to facetime when you both have time, mentally preparing yourself for the confrontation from your members.

“you’re dating jisung?” is the first thing you hear when the front door opens, closely followed by “why didn’t you tell us?” which is swiftly followed by “i can’t believe you’re the first one to date anyone, it’s not fair.”

“that’s mean.” you smile back at the oldest, laughing at the disbelieving smiles covering their faces. “why are you guys so surprised? you didn’t think i could do it?”

“whatever, but, why didn’t you tell us?”

“in my defense, the company told us not to tell anyone.”

for the next few days, your group’s twitter was hectic. you trended on twitter for nearly a solid day, photos and edits and memes of you and jisung together filling your timeline. there were the negative comments, obviously, from jealous fans of both fandoms, some even claiming you should both be removed from your respective groups. they were easy to ignore when the positive comments and the text messages from your boyfriend outweighed them astronomically.

jisungie <3: as much as i hate to say it.. taeyong was right x

a/n: if you got this far im acc proud of you lmao i rlly dont like this but it's been a kinda mentally exhausting day for me so im gonna post anyway and edit tomorrow x

[alexiaugustin]

waittttt. whats with Maxence that you didn't like??? 😯😯

but what things did maxence have done ???. since nobody calls him out on things you mentions, i actually don't know that problematic stuff he says or done.. and also, i see only good things are about him on ig and twitter so i really dont know 😅... sorry of this question 🙏

Okay so before anyone tells me that I said that I hate Maxence or some shit- I couldn't care less about what actors do in their private lives and I don't think that everything he ever said or did publicly was a bad thing but there were a lot of rly problematic things he said and did publicly and that's all I'm talking about here.

First of all at one of those dreamit cons he said that he would like to play a trans women in a movie/tv show once and that he even auditioned but didn't get the role because his face was too masculine. When fans later called him out for that more or less transphobic statement he never showed any kind of reaction and never apologized even tho especially trans fans were rly upset and tried to educate him on that matter.

Then there is this interview where he says "I already got messages saying 'you're not gay you can't play this role' I find it too bad that someone thinks a gay character has to be played by a gay person. Actually I think it goes against the message the LGBT community wants to give. It's very sane and important to give that freedom of speech around this, that straight people can defend this battle too and can take roles for homosexual, trans, bi characters" I get what he was trying to say here but he definitely did it the wrong way because being upset about lgbt ppl being upset about there not being more lgbt actors playing lgbt roles and even telling them that they are going against the message of the community that they are a part of and he is not really just ain't it. And again he's saying that cishets can play trans characters which is....ignorant.

Then there was this whole red bubble thing where he was freaking out about the tshirts with fanart of him on them. And like, I get it, I really do and it's completely okay to be angry about shit like that but "a part of me just wants to murder that motherfucker" and "those tshirts are ugly as fuck" ??? he's 26 im sorry but this is just not how you talk to your (mostly) younger audience on social media and it was super aggressive and not funny nor "badass" at all

The most recent and probably worst thing was his reaction to the blm movement. Both he and axel stayed silent about it for days and when fans were asking him to post donation and petition links he was angry about that for some reason?? And a few days later he posted that story

translation: "I hope that every person that has been annoying the shit out of me for a week, telling me what to do on social media will be there at 19h*. It's cute to hashtag, to copy-paste and to impose oneself as the dictator of ethic and good conscious, it's another thing to act. See you tonight"

*a blm protest he attended

Again he was super condescending and worded all of this super agressive. He is a white privileged grown up man who chose to stay silent for days and after all his silence and the reactions he got from that he spent more of his time on his insta story where he was shaming people who couldn't go to protest instead of reposting more links to donations, petitions and information. Can you believe that he really went out and said "I know I haven't done shit to raise awareness so far and for some reason all of u are so mean to me now. But I hope that y'all know that no matter if you don't have the possibility to attend a protest, aren't allowed to attend a protest or can't because of ur health condition (we're still in a global pandemic) U are the bad person and all the efforts you've made on the internet are worth noting" that's literally what he just said. People are suffering and dying just because of their skin colour and he has the nerve to play the victim in all of this. It was arrogant, condescending and his white privilege couldn't have jumped out more. He never apologized or acknowledged that either.

And here's another anon I got about this

here's the video. And yeah exactly anon like I know that it was just a game and there to be fun but Robin tried to seriously educate him right in that moment and he just... didn't care at all.

And that's what actually makes him so problematic. Because he never learns from his mistakes and can't ever acknowledges that he might have made a mistake but tries to defend himself until the very end, makes things about himself when they absolutely aren't and can't just ever shut up when ppl are taking their time to educate him. He not even once apologized for one of the things he did and that already says a lot I guess🙄

[incarnateirony]

One more P5 post

I wanna know how much time the creators spent arguing with people on twitter, considering the comments on the Phan-Site polls. Will put behind a cut.

I mean, they hit all sides from auto-believers, internet trolls, people who are like ITS STILL ILLEGAL!!! and THIS IS THE POLICE JOB pics or it didn't happen, whatever. But my favorites are "IF UR SO JUST, SHOW UR FACE", "I bet they're crying LOL", "Shibuya's fucked", "Hang in there you guys ;w;", "WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE", "world-famous fail looool", "kill this stupid website" or whatever else. Or the timeless “so wait, who do we hate?”

QUESTION: Do you believe in the Phantom Thieves? This poll is adopted on 4/15.

0-10%

"'of hearts?' What tryhards"

"I've been waiting for this!" 

"Isn't it just a prank?"

"Never even heard of them"

"Who made this site? Ridic"

"even kids aren't that dumb"

"gtfo with that shit LOL"

"is this a cult?"

"my friend says they're real!"

"sauce plz"

"viral marketing...?"

10-20%

"It's just a coincidence..."

"Petty criminals? Pointless"

"This is getting good!"

"Too elaborate for a prank"

"Vigilante justice is wrong."

"What about the pupils?"

"What's gonna happen now?"

"What's he gonna be hit w/?"

"i just can't"

"pics or it didn't happen"

"ppl really believe this? lmao"

"ppl who buy this... -_-"

"they can't catch EVERYONE"

"they're just making threats"

"thieves are the bad ones"

"was it rly a phantom thief?"

"what a joke"

QUESTION: Are the Phantom Thieves just? This poll is adopted on 6/11.

10-20%

"Akechi-kun is right!"

"Isn't it a crime?"

"It's called the law..."

"NO! justice ain't that simple"

"NO. They piss me off."

"Steal dem corrupt hearts!"

"They seem full of it, so NO"

"They're still thieves..."

"They've always been fishy..."

"This is the police's job."

"better be arrested soon"

"don't even bother with this"

"get off your high horse"

"hmm seems interesting"

"i hate Akechi, so YES???"

"if ur so just, show ur face"

"they're allies of justice."

"they're up to something"

"this has to be fake, lol"

"this is so immature."

20-30%

"Isn't it a crime?"

"Probably at least somewhat"

"They seem full of it, so NO"

"They're cool, so HECKYEAH!"

"They're still thieves..."

"get off your high horse"

"i dont buy into that stuff."

"of course not. done"

"that "justice" stuff is ehh"

"this is so immature."

30-40%

"both are crossing the line"

"fukkin hypocrites"

"get rekt, scumbags lmao"

"Hang in there you guys! ;w;"

"I bet they're crying LOL"

"Neither are just"

"Shibuya's fucked"

"they're both shit."

"What cheapass justice, lol"

60-70%

"AGAIN, YAAAAAAS!"

"Such annoying marketing"

"Their word is final."

"better than the cops"

"i bet it's worldwide news"

"justice was w/ the thieves."

"what a time to be alive"

80-90%

"Calling card! YAAAAAAS!"

"Exterminate his family too!"

"Here comes the apology rofl"

"I've been waiting for this"

"Leave everything to them~"

"Make him beg!"

"No apology yet? :["

"Ooh, a calling card! kekeke"

"SO MANY COMMENTS OMG"

"Take him out. It's an order"

"The world needs to see this!"

"They better not screw it up"

"Yeah, get that greedy CEO!"

"an apology isn't enough."

"become prime minister plz!!"

"dat okumura stock drop lol"

"destroy all evil!"

"let's hear from the workers!"

"no more big bang burg, lmao"

"stop fucking around"

"we're with you, p.thieves!"

"❤❤❤ Phantom Thieves ❤❤❤"

On 10/12, the support rate drops from the 90s to the 70s due to the death of Kunikazu Okumura.

70-80%

"Is he really dead...?"

"Now, who's next? ;)"

"Well that was disturbing..."

"die capitalist pigs!!!"

"whoa wtf"

On 10/13, the support rate drops a bit again to the 60s.

60-70%

"Awww, what a waste"

"Evil has perished."

"Gotta break a few eggs"

"So, whodunnit?"

"Were we deceived?"

"do we know how they do it?"

"eh, good riddance"

"killing ppl's a no-no"

"omg, the comments hahaha"

"omg, they went overboard lol"

"they got carried away..."

"what about his daughter?"

Over the next week, the support rates drops to the 50s, 30s, and then 20s.

""justice" sounds hollow now"

"—DELETED BY ADMIN—"

"Are the calling cards fake?"

"Blame the politicians too."

"Bloodthirsty killers!!!"

"Enough is enough!!!"

"Even Akechi's lost it"

"False charges happen, but..."

"Hurry and arrest them"

"Hurry up and execute them!"

"I dare to support them."

"I kiiinda sympathize..."

"I reported this website."

"I told you so..."

"I'm scared to go outside..."

"Is the admin an accomplice?"

"No hate-slinging, please!" (a message from the admin, Mishima)

"Officer, look!"

"Oh how far they've fallen"

"Pls don't kill me ;_;"

"Police were negligent too."

"Shut this site down!!!"

"That was traumatizing..."

"They must be punished."

"They need to be executed"

"They were screwing with us."

"They're assassins."

"Ugh. We were fooled."

"We can't leave them be"

"What about the politicians?"

"awful, they betrayed us"

"bring on the breakdowns~!"

"cant say w/o evidence"

"cmon, just kill everyone!"

"didnt expect much anyway"

"got anything better to do?"

"he had it coming, amirite?"

"id bet money on the rest"

"its just coincidence, yep"

"just turn yourselves in pls"

"lel, regret backin em yet?"

"lol dont be fooled so easy"

"lol, ppl still like them?"

"low expectations, ho!"

"media's garbage as expected"

"overhyped imo"

"p quick to switch sides lol"

"support went to shit lmao"

"tbh i just wanna troll, lol"

"their fans are guilty too"

"they even steal LIVES???"

"they're just suspects..."

"throw em in the slammer!"

"trash talking feels risky..."

"typical bandwagon, gg"

"uhh, yea they're evil"

"waste of tax money imo"

"wat do they want, anyway?"

"world-famous fail loool"

QUESTION: Are the Phantom Thieves innocent? This poll is adopted on 10/29.

Around 20%

"—DELETED BY ADMIN—"

"30 million yen OMG XD"

"Akechi-kun, save us!"

"Enough is enough!!!"

"False charges happen, but..."

"Is the admin an accomplice?"

"Oh how far they've fallen"

"Record-breaking evil"

"They gotta be arrested now"

"can't know w/o a trial"

"id bet money on the arrest"

"if ur innocent, show yourself"

"lol this place went to shit"

"ppl still stand by them?"

"that freaked me out omg"

"they're def guilty"

"they're freaking out hahaha"

"they're running loose rn..."

"this site pisses me off"

"waste of tax money imo"

"what if they are LOL"

"who cares either way?"

After the protagonist fakes his death, and approval drops to 0.3%.

"Akechi got the last laugh!"

"AKECHI IS BAE!!!"

"A worthy end for a villain"

"c'mon, leak his name!"

"Evil is destined to perish."

"he went down easy"

"hope things are safer now"

"Justice with Akechi!"

"Just like Akechi-kun said!"

"kid had it coming, lol"

"So did he do it or not!?"

"so he HAS to be guilty"

"The truth's lost to the void"

"We'll finally have peace"

"we do need a new authority..."

QUESTION: Do you support the Phantom Thieves? This poll is adopted on 12/7.

Around 0.8%

"a lil too late tho"

"dat comeback looool"

"I'd never support them"

"I'm getting confused..."

"I can't believe anybody..."

"i don't really care"

"Is Shido gonna apologize?"

"It's happening again..."

"just typical slander imo"

"lol no way i'd support them"

"may just be election shit"

"moar like phantom GRIEF"

"Must be tough for Shido-san"

"My scandal sense's tingling!"

"no one wants you thieves"

"phantom thieves WIN PLX!!!"

"political attack, REALLY???"

"ppl still defend them? lmao"

"Shido, just take the win"

"Shouldn't Shido explain?"

"Show yourself, Akechi!"

"smear campaigns are gross"

"So he didn't die..."

"srsly, a tv hijack?"

"Stay strong, Shido-san!"

"stop makin such a big deal"

"talk about election drama"

"they're still criminals"

"they can't take a hint"

"this country is effed up"

"this is a murder warning..."

"This isn't debunked yet?"

"this site's still up? :o"

"TV hijacking is terrorism!"

"was it the others? :o"

"was that statement a lie?"

"what about the election?"

"what a comeback..."

"Why isn't this on the news?"

"wow, ppl are desperate..."

QUESTION: Do the Phantom Thieves really exist? This poll is adopted on 12/19.

Around 19%

"And then, there were none"

"can't someone just fix it?"

"cmon thieves, say something"

"Enjoy prison, Mr. Shido~"

"even shido... FAIL"

"everyone, just disappear"

"Everyone was shameless"

"—GAME OVER—"

"go ahead & celebrate, idiots"

"I feel like an empty husk"

"im just like... so what"

"In the end, who's to blame?"

"i shoulda known better..."

"ive lost my will to live..."

"just destroy this country"

"kill this stupid website"

"my support was a waste"

"Next person please!"

"nobody asked for this"

"no thanks to those thieves"

"nothing changed. boringggg"

"Someone do something!"

"soooo is shido alive?"

"so wait, who do we hate?"

"so what WERE they??"

"The election was a farce."

"the future's screwed LOL"

"they're harshin my mellow"

"They better settle things"

"thinking hurts my brain"

"this country's done for"

"This is a stain on history"

"this is fucked up..."

"this is going nowhere"

"useless scum"

"we need answers"

"What's with this question?"

"who cares abt the election?"

"why'd we even bother"

"why this. even now???"

Then the dramatic final cut where everybody believes in them and it’s like # OF FANS ---> FAN POWER LEVELS ---> FIGHT Q( ‘-’Q )

[matazz]

entries

diary entries of roy endoza

here’s some journal entries of roy endoza that i wrote for the duration of the campaign. for the most part, i kinda wrote these in my twitter drafts just to write down roy’s thoughts. sometimes to remember events that happened, and sometimes just to vent out roy’s feelings to myself. i ended up saving these on a document for safe keeping and i’m glad i wrote these.

‪entry 47‬

‪i miss milo so much. his laugh, his eyes, his smile. i would do anything to have that back.‬ ‪i know its my fault he’s gone. its only been a few months, but i’ll fix that; all of it. no matter how long it takes, no matter what happens. i’ll find some way to do it.‬ ‪entry 53‬ ‪i’ve retrieved a letter from a dream telling me to visit latham and retrieve a key. i’m curious, so i’ll check it eventually. it was definitely odd.‬ ‪entry 55‬ ‪i met a young boy. his name is fox. he’s some sort of shapeshifter. he’s quiet, but his presence is nice company. he also received a similar letter to mine. i have a feeling we’ll be travelling for a while.‬ ‪entry 62‬ ‪we retrieved the key & met some other ppl with letters too. we’re heading to a trinket store back in origin now. i dont wish for them to know of my life so i’ve found a way to steer them as far from possible to finding out about myself. i’ll probably visit ma too.‬ ‪entry 63‬ ‪an elf woman named leera attacked us after i told her i wasnt going to give her this key. i dont like her. she seemed very cocky.‬ ‪entry 65‬ ‪delilah is kind.. i feel like i’m able to trust her. i asked her a question about my goals, vaguely, and it turns out that ayce asked a similar question. based on the message in his later i get the feeling he’s undead.‬ ‪entry 66‬ ‪i told ayce the biggest con in all of history.. but i confirmed he’s undead. i have more hope in my goals now that i know its possible. he hugged me bc he thinks we’re similar. i dont usually allow people to do that but i’m sad for him. i wish i could ask more about him. ‬‪entry 69‬ ‪i’m getting closer to ayce, unexpectedly, but good for me. i need his information.‬ ‪he talks to me a lot about his life; i think he’s become dependent on me which is easy for me. its hard for him to see i’m using him when i lie to his face.‬ ‪entry 72‬ ‪we’re travelling to copper coast now for another key. if it werent for ayce, i wouldnt see any other reason for me to come. fox is still around, but i feel like he's doing his own thing. the other two arent big presences for me to care about.‬ ‪entry 73‬ ‪atlas is a werewolf? i didnt think those were real. this group keeps getting stranger. first a shapeshifter, second an actual living zombie, third a werewolf.‬ ‪ive continued my lie to the rest of them. they all seem to have believed me, strangely enough‬ ‪entry 74‬ ‪copper coast was very pleasant. i wish to come back someday.‬ ‪entry 88‬ ‪this trip to clandesteine has been a disaster.. what the honest fuck‬ just happened ‪entry 90‬ ‪fox told everybody about himself, finally. i feel this huge sense of pride?? i’m very proud of him. i dont understand why i feel so attached to him but i adore him so much‬ ‪entry 92‬ ‪((incoherent scribbles, kinda like “vsdjfsasifwnqkosdkv”)) i think i accidentally implied to ayce that i love him romantically and i think he loves me too... i’m freaking out and i dont know how to react... i think he thinks i’m cool and romantic but i didnt mean to be. ‪entry 93‬ in all honesty, i just wanted to tell him he needs to be more cautious of me. a part of me wishes he could figure it out himself so i dont have to tell him. ‪seriously! i dont know how i did that! i do love and adore him too but i feel like shit.. i dont deserve him, especially considering who i am. on the other hand, i hope he never finds out the truth about me.‬ ‪entry 94‬ ‪oh my god. atlas killed a man and ayce and fox proceeded to tell the guards. i feel sick. i’m currently at home but if they say my name at witness testimony i’m royally fucked. i dont know. i might just run for it and live in myr’s peak. maybe no one will find me.‬ ‪entry 95‬ ‪the group managed to get bailed out using ty’s name. benefits of being friends with rich people?‬ ‪fox found my poster though, so he saved my name during eyewitness testimony. i told him the truth. its been the first time i told someone how i really felt. he wants me to tell ayce but hes the last person i can tell. ‪entry 97‬ ‪we’re in lunarden! it feels nostalgic to be back.

i want to go back to every place i miss. i took ayce to that me and nori used to go to back in high school. i think shes currently performing in solardome? i miss her‬ entry 97.2 ‪i came up with a few different ways to complete my goal. i have a few more probing questions, but i will have to ask later. i think i’m getting closer to the answers‬ entry ‪97.3‬ ((scribbled out)) ‪i havent had sex in a while. i’ve wondered this before but realized it was an inappropriate question to ask. i wonder if ayce’s dick works? it probably doesnt. this is so sad. i dont know how i’m going to fuck him if thats true.. yikes‬ ‪entry 98‬ ‪i’m planning to get completely smashed once we get to solardome. i feel like i deserve it.. ive been pretty stressed and havent got laid. i’m crying remembering that ayce might not even be an option.‬ ‪entry 98.2 ((lost)) ‪i love ayce so much, and its confusing. am i just sexually frustrated? am i just lonely? am i just sad? i feel guilty because it tears me apart. im confused because i love milo still, too. i know i should tell him the truth, its whats right but i know he’ll hate me. i dont know what to do. (extra note inbetween the pages, torn out: to mom. i love you venhfrhdy mcuh. thank you fir everhything. yes. roy.) entry 98.3 what happens if i succeed? i hope ayce doesnt kill me. entry 100 ‪good morning. ayce & i are officially dating. were in solardome atm; i dont remember much of last night but i remember thinking he‘s beautiful. is it wrong to fall for him?‬ ‪entry 101‬ ‪good evening. i saw ms winters. she was undead, just like ayce. she died a year ago. her soul was lost though. i killed what remained of her undead corpse. i assume she was trying to remain in this world.. i’m scared that this will happen to him too. maybe ill have to do the same to him. entry 101.2 i hope ayce's soul is able to sustain in his body for longer. i cant afford to lose him. entry 101.3 ‪the blackness on my fingers has risen up more than it has before. its almost hard to write with my hands anymore. i assume its bc the gods know what i'm doing & are against it, so they're trying to give me more recoil than usual. but the last time i killed an undead corpse was in my house 6 months ago, and i promise that the last time i will use it is when i bring milo back. (torn note inbetween the pages: hi ayce. its unrealistic you'll ever find this but there's some things i want to say. back when we first met, i lied to you as a reflex when you asked me why i'm dealing with necromancy. to be honest, i could kind of gather you were undead, but i still lied anyway. my story is personal, its hard for me to be honest. i know i'm an idiot, and i'm sorry i used you. to be truthful, i still am a horrible person and for the entirety of our relationship i've already known that i was using you and i've felt so guilty about that. my feelings are complicated, but i've never lied when i said i loved you, and i still do; but i still want to bring milo back. i made a mistake and i want to fix that. the truth is that i still love him too. i know you deserve better. i'm sorry about lying to you. roy) entry 102 a dragon made us experience our dreams and nightmares. jade's scared of blindness and bugs. a valid fear, in a way. and she was dreaming of doing shows. i think it was supposed to display a feeling of happiness and joy, but it was just spooky since we all experienced her dreams with no sound. i never realized how scary it was to be deaf until i experienced it. atlas' was morbid. people were dying and there was so much gore. then there were people saying they owned him. i knew he was a bad person but it was scary to see all of that again. he dreamt of a workshop with a girl and a young boy. it seemed sweet, with a tinge of nostalgia. i would have never expected him to have dreams. he just seems like a horrible person with no sympathy to me, but i guess he has feelings. i still think he should go to jail, but i feel like he'll just try to kill me if i say anything instead. fox's was sad. we got thrown into a void

of empty space where we were surrounded only by dopplegangers and a vaguely humanoid figure. he seemed so lonely and upset. he's scared of being forgotten by us and that made me so sad. i adore him, and he's grown a lot since we first met. i gave him a hug when we went into his dream sequence. i hope he knows i will never forget him. his dream was sweet. he just wants to save people and hang out with us still. i think he'll go far, and i would love to be there for him still when all of this is over.c (the rest of the pages with entry 102 are torn out) when i saw milo in the old house again just being his happy lovely self i felt miserable and happy at the same time. i love him so much, and i knew i missed him already but seeing him again just made me feel so much love for him all over again. it just makes me miss him more. it's hard not to cry thinking about what i've done to him. i wish he could come back. ayce's was hard to watch. i witnessed myrkul force ayce to choose between killing me and quri. ayce cried as he couldn't make up his mind, and then i watched as i fell into a void. i felt sick and i wanted to puke. i thought ayce found out about me. i thought he knew that i was using him for necromancy, but when i asked him about it, he told me that he thought i killed him with quri. i... personally don't have any reason to ever kill him so that was a bit sickening to think of. i dont ever want to kill anyone. i dont even have anyone i hate enough to want to murder. the only person i hate enough to want to kill is me. i know based on what i said before i guess it might have seemed that bad; but haha... i would never ever want to do that. putting people down at hospital was rough. god, putting ms winters down was rough and she was already dead. i love him, but it's probably better if we end the relationship and just stay as friends? he's already witnessed me still loving milo, and he thinks i murdered him... i'll try to clear up his misunderstanding, but it'll be hard to without giving more of myself away. this relationship has so many problems. entry 103 a new discovery. the world isn't flat? the god's are using their powers to “lock off” the rest of the world. apparently sanctuary is only a small part of the world. that was a really weird discovery to find out? it's kind of hard to believe, but at the same time, not. apparently they keys we've been collecting hold the respective power of the gods, and they're used to “open” the gateway. i have no idea what that means. apparently beshaba wants to use our keys to do exactly that. and also they can kill the god's? entry 112 when we came back to lunarden we discovered that delilah and allen were kidnapped by atlas’ syndicate. i knew atlas was trouble. i hate having to associate with him. we’re going to save them yet it makes me nervous. entry 114 i feel like i almost died in there. we saved the others and no one was hurt though. we’re going to trip back to lunarden and then travel through the travel gates back to origin to try avoid people. allen mentioned something about strange readings. i have a feeling i know what it is. i’m going to ask lathandar questions. entry 115 nvm we encountered leera. this group genuinely scares me. I’m travelling with people who are down with murder. i should seperate. she uncovered my posters to them and i want to die. she also mentioned the last key at a ball. i need to bounce. lathandar also confirmed my suspicions last night. entry 116 fox left before i could. i feel bad. like maybe it was my fault. i miss him. we have to continue though. entry 117 its so hard to find a bag of holding. i just want to have this spirit stone around without having it in the open. entry 118 we’re in origin now and delilah let me rent out her bag of holding. an absolute kind soul. we bought tickets to the ball. so expensive. i wish i didnt do that. entry 123 i’ve done so much in preperation of whats to come. Soon. i hope it works. i’m going to travel to solardome and investigate those readings. entry 124 suspicions

confirmed. miss winters is alive. she captured my biological father. a strange way to meet him. i cant see him as my father. i told her about the key, and we’re going to rearrange our circle. we’ll still use the spirit stones, just as a backup. i’m scared. i’m terrified. i dont know if it will work and i dont know what will happen if it does. i know the gods will be mad but i’ll deal with the consequences when it happens. i’m sure i won’t be a champion anymore. we’re doing this on friday evening, which means i’m no longer attending the gala. they don’t need my assistance anyway.

[theday]

tagged by @ikyh and @younghyuuns ill be doing both sets !! :D thank you both for tagging me!! this got long so yall dont hav 2 read <3

ru?? rushee’s set!! me: wow ru does not sound like rushee at all ? djsjdhhjd im dumb but i realize now

i. do u believe in astrology? whats ur sign and do u line up with the features usually attributed to it?

fucc... i guess i do ;-0...... and yeah i think?????? like they say capricorns are cold bitches and funny nd im like ya thats me... but they also say we’re hard workers and im like uh.. dont know abt that karen !

ii. what’s ur favorite pair of socks?

bbbbbbb..... socks huh...... i guess my ankle ones? there are also socks that have actual designs on them and those r usually thicker.. keep my feets safe! most of them have pkmn designs bc.. yeah... love the poke mans

iii. what’s a food that reminds you of a specific moment/memory?

i could think of anythiing and get reminded of one situation if that makes sense.. but i thought of pineapple..pizza... anyway the memory isnt anythngn special its just me staring at my delicious hawaiian pizza..... at my favourite pizza place.... love that shit

iv. what’s the longest you’ve gone without sleeping?

i dont have the actual hours but the latest ive stayed up.. like willingly would be until 2am

v. how has ur taste in music changed throughout ur life?

went from 1d to 5so/s + other bands to utaite.... they cover vocaloid songs ig i never kno how2 explain what utaites r then 2 kpop.. but i still listen 2 bands + kpop and utaites.... so nothing much has changed ive just gone broader.. wider... expanded my tastes... 

vi. who’s ur fashion icon?

oh definitely kim wonpil

vii. what’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done without realizing?

i breathe dumbass particles.. i cant think of one bc my brain probably blocked off all access to my horrifying past but ive been thinking abt how i used 2 send the boy i used 2 like 1d songs....................... 12 y/o old me rly thought. he’d listen.... 12 y/o me thought spamming him was a good idea glad ive learnt from that! 

viii. what’s something you want to brag about?

my grades but it didnt get me into psychology so nvm ! its still good though i didnt expect to get an A1 (hghest grade) for combined humanities since ive had a B my whole life without it i wouldnt be able to move on education wise lmao so thank god for that thanks cambridge thanks bell curve sunbaenim 

ix. when you imagine urself being happy in the future, where exactly are you (like the location!)?

oh definitely an apartment somewhere where its always windy and the curtains are always Moving and the sun just Shines in the room but its not that hot either its just full of warmth and yeah thats the dream maybe also walks in the park without having 2 worry abt sweating my pits out u kno! tldr anywhere but here

x. what’s something you’ve always wanted to own?

let me Think.... i dont need a lot/?? but id love hm.............. i want stability but realistically i want all the hh pcs from the code albums. 

xi. how’ve you been lately?

good good! i finished my *** fic and its. im proud of it though i know its not that good nd i can do better but its done ! and hm i could be going to see mx but asking my mum is stressing me out speaking of her she wont stop Coughing and she refuses to see the doctor ;-/ love those sleepless nights ! other than that i just want 2 get out and feel the sun ???/ wanna get out of this house yea but i need to be.. shady with my money i cant get a job because school is starting in a month and im going overseas again sometime next month so ! no ones gonna hire someone who can only work for 2 weeks at most dhzjhhs shouldve worked when i had the time dumbasses only

ok now falen

1. what’s been on your mind??

hm redacted feeling towards my mum but i cant say them bc itd be insensitive 

2. what are you looking forward to? 

mx? possibly but also finishing my enrolment papers

3. story time!: how and when did you get into day6!!!!!

fuck...... listen up LADS. 

ive told the same story like 10 times but im never gonna get tired of saying this shit bc i love miss boxy so much nd she deserves the appreciation anywy she introduced me 2 day6 after i saw this one (1) picture of brian in minion glasses and instantly i knew in that Fucking moment thatd id die for him. so i asked for the name of my murderer and was introduced to day6 whom frankly id never heard of b4 bdjhjh she sent me all their mvs and i still remember the night . i remember walking out of this japanese restaurant, twitter open, chat wiht boxy there and i was like.. interesting ill go listen when im home so i Did! and my mind was blown away bitch? i honest 2 god expected them to be a boy group,,, dancing and shit yknow? i didnt know k bands existed ! so as a previous 5/sos stan i was like wow. this??? this shit is 10/10 a fucking BANGER thats what i felt listening 2 i smile and just going :O over the fucking instruments so idk if how can i say was the last or second song but Damn. .. it made me scream thanks mister j** he rly dragged me by the collar of my shirt and threw me face first into Heaven so i watched everything i asked my friend for video recommendations and after boxy sent me a page with their face and names i was like this jae kid is 182 cm? wow gotta stan now im stupid and stupid for glasses and tall people so ! it happened bithc,, ugh i lov eday6 so much i remember binge watchng all their vlives after the july after party live (that being the first vlive i watched Ever in my entire life and i laghed so hard despite not understanding a damn thing) please id giv my heart and soul2 day6 im so happy with the way ive progressed as a myday :^( 

bonus when i first started stanning it was 26th june and shortly after i made a stan acc teasers were being dropped but i didnt kno why ppl were freaking out i remmeber seeing jae’s teaser nd going ? ok? its just a pic damn ;-/ and then eveeryone was like: dowoon! choker! me: wdhs? what

4. ????do you have any allergies????

did u think of jae and no i used to be allergic 2 dairy products but thats disappeared

5. a fond memory???

bowling with friends and im just a disaster of a friend im always so loud with them and i thank god everyday that they handle my energy ? i would cheer for them even if they got a gutter or whatever and when they got a strike id go clap like crazy i love my friends i also went i have the power of god and anime on my side before flinging the ball and theyd laugh despite not knowing what vine that was from i love my friends... psg if ur out there yall are the best x i miss hanigng out with them as a trio.. three of us :( 

6. do you paint your nails?? if so, what are your fave colors to use?? if not, why??  

thats so.. tiresome.......... dont u have 2 wait for it 2 dry and shit ? my mums always worried abt ruining the colour or some sht nd im like !!! okY!!!!!!! tldr its a pain in the ass

7. what are your favorite colors?? what are your fave colors to wear??

i like hte colour of the sky... all the colours........ yeah love that bithc and lately ive been wearing a lot of black shirts finally went out of my embarrassing colourful phase ! 

8. what languages would you like to learn?? for what reason(s)??

japanese nd korean jp because i listen to a lot of things in japanese and korean for the same reason but my priority would be jp even tho id love to communicate with my faves i just... yeah although im not exactly making an effort 2 learn bc im lazy but if i Could.... itd be those two

9. when you get stickers, do you use them or do you keep them??

DHDGFHDHDGDSJHJSJAKSSJHFHS THIS FEELS LIKE A CALL OUT???? i keep them......... 

10. are there any groups that you might get into/want to get into?

hm... well theres knk ive learnt their names and im finally able to put name 2 face so thats nice svt too if htey didnt have such large numbers... thats all for now i think?? i love evry girl group though i love gIRLS... 

11. how are you???

idk im constantly just fine?? not the im sad but im fine kind of fine im literally just neutral half the time wjhddshs wild 

both of your questions were really unique and i loved answering them thank you so much for tagging me and if youve read until the end thank you i hope you have a good day!

[sarcasticlykaeon-blog]

Caught Between Worlds

Stuck. Thats how it felt, every hour of every day, for as long as I could remember. Like i was some sort of freak, on the outside looking in. I can remember when i was small, barely old enough to really walk and talk, two and a half, three...and i hated dresses. I hated pink. I hated lace and frills. If i could choose or make my will known it was pants. Tshirts and sweatshirts. Childrens overalls. I hated games in preschool. The girls always wanted to play house, with husbands and babies in some sort of elaborate roleplay. The boys wouldnt let me play with them. "No girls," theyd say. "You wont know how," or "girls arent any good at this. Go play with dolls." somehow...just because i didnt have the same lower regions i wasnt good enough. So i played alone, with blocks or toys, making up elaborate adventures or stories in the process. My mother, my aunts, my grandmother...they all wanted me to be a girl. They tried to take me underwing in baking, playing with makeup, dressup, dolls...they tried to teach me about playing with hair. Me? I just wanted to test out the new computer, watch ninja turtles, and kick butt like she-ra. My one concession to female marketed programs was Jem...but honestly? I loved the story and drama, not the glamour, glitter, fashion, or fame. I was the oldest...five years between me and my brother meant i was dads son substitute until i was almost 11. I learned things like changing the oil in a car, ms-dos programming and how to kick ass in Doom, how to tackle and fight back if grabbed by a bigger opponent. Of course...the instant my middle brother was old enough to do son things....fwip! I was ignored. About the only thing i could get the old man to do was D&D. My grandfather insisted it was a phase i would grow out of, that id become a seeker of a strong man and an actual woman eventually. My mother tried to force me to conform to gender standards. My aunt was disappointed. My father only started caring about gender normativity when i hit puberty. I never told them things like "i want to grow up to be a boy" because even at three, i knew it didnt work that way, on some instinctual level. But i dod wail and growl about the unfairness. Why is x okay for boys but not girls? Why are girls expected to be like this but boys arent? And the answer...oh the answer just upset me and angered me. "Because youre expected to be a young lady." By puberty, the words "young lady" were guarenteed to trigger a huge emotional fit of rage...but i couldnt explain why. Just like the fact that i had to fight for my place amidst whatever boys lived in the neighborhood. I had to work twice as hard to prove i was worthy of being allowed to hang out...and still they sought to ditch me at every opportunity. School was even worse. I was overly tall, strong, and hyper intelligent. I was part of the "Gifted Program" (which in most school systems is naught but busy work or a careful way to set up classes in high school to fix the averages of a class.) I was, in every concievable way the outcast. And then puberty found me. Early. The first time i bled in sixth grade, i cried myself to sleep, hiding blood ruined underwear in the back of my closet until i could throw it away. I didnt tell my mother until i was sixteen--hiding this horrid, agonizingly painful thing that happened to me once a month. When i grew breasts i hated them. I hated bras. And of course, i have breasts that grew huge. I survive with super tight sports bras and tshirts because nothing else fits my fucked up frame: ive got broad shoulders, long legs, and huge feet (size 12 womens, which is impossible to find), and im like 5'8". Id be taller but my arms and torso are short, and ive got wide hips and huge breasts and butt. I hated my body and i still do. I feel like i was a crapshoot built out of the mismatched leftovers of several people. And the shit my parents tried to enforce for gender conformity to this "new identity of a young lady." first was acne management. I wasnt a pizza face, but i did and still do have a bit of an issue with blackheads (Glasses have that effect.) But my parents tried to force me to pop my zits...and when i refused because it hurt, they basically held me down and popped them for me. Then was "shaving my legs". Okay. Underarms i get because pits stink. I shave those because it feels less stanky when i do. But their issue? My legs. I refused to do it. "Boys dont, why do i? Thats not fair!" i fought. Hard. But...like the zits...theyd hold me down and buzz my legs for me from knee to foot while i thrashed and begged...all to force on me a title i never wanted, a mold i didnt fit. And i didnt understand WHY. Why was my behavior, my life and interests and hobbies and clothing all supposed to be dictated by something so unimportant? And then...when i was sixteen, i met a person i hit it off with. A sweet and funny youth my age with hair as long as mine and a goofy smile on his face. In a few months we were dating long distance and i suspect my family sighed in relief that i wasnt a lesbian. Our fathers got to be friends(which was useful, since 200miles between us put a crimp in relations.) But this had another side effect. You see, that next year i learned something id never heard before. Something id never considered until that day in 2002. His father...felt he was a woman trapped in a mans body. I was floored. This could happen? What? So i researched what i could to understand (there wasnt much, back then.) And...i began to wonder....because all I could find was for males becoming females. Even joked with my boyfriend that the universe "got us backwards" (he agreed, seeing as how he was girlier than me) And then it all crashed to a halt one night at dinner. His father, him, me, another mtf person and two other adults were at a restaurant, and the kne guy at the table with no knowledge on trans folks was asking questions. I listened, enraptured as the emotions and disconnects id always felt were described from the other side. Emboldened, 17, and perhaps seeking some form of connection or...validation for my feelings, i piped up, expressing how i felt the universe had gotten me backwards. That was the worst thing to say, as his father unloaded on me verbally for being mocking and insensitive and jumping on a bandwagon i had no business on. Treated me like i was being scum--damn near drove me to tears and made me feel small and useless. And i thought "if this is what trans ppl are like...i dont want to be like them ever." it crushed my desire to understand my gender identity and sexuality for years. It didnt help that as time went by ot seemed every trans person i encountered was one of two things: a dramawhore with the emotional stability of a 14year old girl, or someone like my bf's father who decided that i couldnt belong to his elitest club in a fashion that echoed years of "no girls allowed" from boys everywhere. The internets vast collection of professionally offended "keyboard warriors" who spew bigotry and hate and small minded idiocy while calling it "truth" or "just what X group deserves" is a steaming cesspit of shit I dont want to be part of on any level, and unfortunately many of them claim to be whatever "alternate" gender identity or sexuality is the fad this month. Its not winning me over at all, and made me shy further away from actual people i might be able to relate to...maybe who can help me. I finally did own up to something when i was 23--I was more sexually attracted to women than men. In fact...beyond a few emotion driven crushes as a teen, the only male i have ever found attractive was that same goofy, funny, smiling boy with the long hair...except these days hes my supportive, goofy, smiling mate with the softest heart of gold ive ever known inside a powerful and intimidatingly sized viking-esque exterior. But again...because on the outside, our relationship seems very "normal" im not welcomed much by the vocal minority and so im super wary of all parts of the lgbt crowd. I dont advertise or tell my relatives--my parents and their respective siblings are between 50 and 70 years old. They barely believe this stuff exists. I still dont want to be a girl. I dont want the societal expectations of it. I hate having breasts that risk knocking my teeth loose if i move too fast. And dont get me started on the fucking shit show that is my sex life. Its a complicated shit show that starts with the disconnect of parts and ends with kinks i can never actually engage in because, guess what? Im a GIRL. But at the same time, i stare at the only transmen examples and stories i can find, which seem to be rare and hidden somewhere, at places like fb and tumblr and twitter...at pride rallies and news stories...at stuff recounted by friends...and i dont want to be associated with people whose actions turn them into examples of literal human garbage. And so here i sit, caught between two worlds, never part of either one and feeling like im slowly drowning. It seems like one doesnt want me and the other i dont want... Im so tired of being stuck.