#i dont know what making this post is supposed to acomplish

[adraughtofamortentia]

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[dianaraven]

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[maddieforrest]

What Do I Want To Do?

I don’t know why at this point in my life I’m feeling a bit baffled. What will make me longterm happy? I feel like recently my brain has been stuck in this weird loop, thinking of all the things I could want to do and trying to figure out with one of them will make me the happiest, because to succeed at any of them, It seems like I have to either choose one to be really good at and get greater and greater at it and also post about it constantly. 

I love indie comics! I love reading them and they feel like such a unique infinite artform where you can use so many beautiful techniques to make them and i love designing within the format of the comic, pushign panels into each other and having monsters lumber through one to another and talk to you and each other through this portal. I feel like I can create a world within them that my monsters inhabit and it could make me happy. 

I love Jewelry, I looked at it as my true love and the medium was infinite and that I could design within the sculpted format and think three dimentionally, and my days, when I focused on that completely were so fruitful and fullfilling and I dreamed up such a life for myself and saw the end of the road as a famous jewelry maker and thought oh my what a thing to dress people up in costumes and let them see themselves as extravagant and otherworldly in my jewelry, it is the perfect life mission and one that I like all the steps of conducting. The mold making is such a fun puzzle and makes me feel like im really hands-on working, like i like. I love seeing each piece as it came out and seeing how the glitter concoctions i made came out. I loved buying all the materials and just surrounding myself with weird tactile beauty that never existed before i made it. I love the feeling of resin in my hands and making the organic shapes I did felt so rewarding to touch, like magical artifacts from a world that never existed inside my heart. Sappy I know, but I’m in a sappy  mood right now, I’m trying to determine my stupid destiny, let me have this!!!!

I could see making beautiful illustrations and strange sculpted gallery-hanging things my real art and something even more precious. This used to be my main main longterm goal and I was so set on it for a long time but i don’t know how much i like the gallery world and focusing so much on one piece that goes away. plus the people that buy it are all rich and i don’t know how lovely that life would be, selling my stuff to rich people who life a life i don’t. who knows maybe i will be rich then. that seems unlikely but also i know im speaking completely about a world and people i don’t know. 

why did i stop singing? Why am i afraid of that? I see people around me follow their singing dreams and i envy them but also see how there’s nothign in their way and there’s nothing in mine. Even if i don’t win the game and get followers and find people who want to pay me for what I’m making, even then. I think it would be fine because I would be doing it. Making songs is hard though. But i don’t even know if that’s really true, songmaking is just more nebulous, all the information is being made in my mind and i have to look at it in my mind and remember it and sculpt an invisible thing in my mind and that has frustrated me but maybe i just have to let myself play. That was my first dream, to sing for a living. 

I heard about polymaths, who are people who are pulled toward many different avenues and collect those skills and just ARE many things. Many great people of history were polymaths, like Childish Gambino!!

I can do that, I’m already doing that with working as a hand model, which i like very much and it makes me feel important and necessary, and also doing stop motion which also makes me feel important and necessary and makes use of my visual eye and ability to make good art choices! I think as I take jobs and do things i learn more about mysefl and what I can do and all I can ask is to have fun along the ride of experiencing me. I want to just do that, have fun experiencing me and seeing what that’s like. Who am I? what can I do? What things define me, I don’t like being defined as one thing, but also my life is too short to be all the things I see, so i just have to work really really hard, but aslo have a life of leisure would be nice too how to do it all, I imagine if i work really  hard now the future can be a little leisure but also i see so many people later in life where that never happens to them. Is the point just to ponder this into infinity till we die not knowing anything? I’m not happy just sitting and watching a movie, i have to be acomplishing something. building towards something all the time or taking a break from doign that for an afternoon or day but never does it leave my mind. i dont know. im figureing it out.

I love stop motion fabrication. It is the smartest option of all the art futures i can see for myself. I get to be around loving and beautifully creative people with weird perspectives and dreams and the same attitude towards life as i do, and i can see it being lucrative, no rich maddie future, but thriving maddie future. I am feeling more positive towards it and i am starting to get jobs in it and i am thrilled and nervous and frightened and in love but cautious. This next month of my life, starting the 20th, im going to be on my biggest stop motion job yet! It’s going to be hard work that I feel i can accomplish but that I know i have to really focus for because it could really jumpstart my career i think. it’s 18 days total and 5 days per week at $250 per day and i don’t know what’s going on. I was asked to do a stoopid buddy job and had to turn it down because i was already booked on a hand modeling job and I kindof feel crazed about that but i only remembered that that was true right now recalling it. Gosh. A while back, i got to talk to Jessica Dalva about her career, very briefly. I was thinking about this so much, as i seem to do once in a while, and she has a similar path that I have had i think. She was in stop motion and then went to just making what she really wanted to make, figures on a wall in the most elegant and haunting of poses. She explored beautiful emotions and surreal artifacts, but not full stories. 

I suppose, if you think about it. I don’t need to lead the whole lifepath to appreciate the end goal, the object. When I look at some comics, i know i could never even get near making the majesty that they are, so I’m so glad someone else dedicated their lives to showing me how great a thing could be if you went all the way with it and learned everything about it and sought such perfection with the path. I know then that I shoudln’t try to go down every path maybe or I wont get to the end. but is the purpose in the end to have an end that is great or to have enjoyed the journey to your full ability to enjoy it, and the monotony of one thing is too boring even if it could give many people the feeling of complete awe for a very small duration of their lives. 

in my research of this world and what it has to offer, i feel like im coming to a thought recently, that the best way to explain whats great in the world is through stories, those get to the heart of things, not object making but story weaving. Maybe? But i also feel like stories need support roles. the depiction of good emotions and the correct deep emotion weaving is part of good depictions of stories. What would a pixar movie be without every little part that one person added to the big puzzle. Individually, did each person feel the same amount of fulfillment from doing one of the more menial parts? I need missions. I need things to feel a part of, even if those things are things I just make up but also things that already exist. Like with mattel, i feel like im part of making something that affects children and tells them what’s good and lovely that they could play with and make believe with. toys are so magical and i really believe that. I puppet the dolls really well, i think and I take pride in my work, and it feels good that it pays a lot for such a task, it feels like they’re saying what I’m doign is so worthwhile. It just has increased my confidence a lot. which is so weird because i got the job accidentally kind of and had never thought of such a field as a way i would identify in any way and for a while i rejected it so much, but i think everyone is just themselves and who they are isn’t defined by the things that society has already made me feel they are defined by. It’s so hard to shirk that internal feeling that i am what I do. I am how nice i can be, how witty i am, how i feel about music, how i feel about other people’s beauty, and how i want to know you. 

to be continued, i just typed until i was less confused and down, and now I shall continue to figure it out and shit. 

[thegospelofnagisa]

Hey there someone informed me of you talking about my reply on the Homura confession :) while making LOTS of assumptions as well lol, The way I feel about Homura is the same way I feel about Sayaka and the other magical girls. Poor kids that have been fucked over by forces out of their control and comprehension, I dont dislike Hitomi either I think she is sweet lololol Next time dont make assumptions about someone ?

Oh and one more thing the confession was talking about Pre-rebellion Homura not rebelionevilgoneloco Homura who messed with Madoka’s memories if that isn’t the case feel free to correct me but I dont remember Homura erasing Madoka’s memories in the tv series

The “She’s a Kid” argument is used a justification for actions of characters, it’s not entirely a invalid argument in their favor since it’s true…they ARE kids…here’s the problem with Homura and the reason why using the argument with her, it’s bullshit.

Because Homura’s actions ARE very severe, she is being influenced by her negative emotions and the impact of her actions is extremely massive, Sayaka’s and Mami’s crimes was getting desperate, Kyouko’s biggest crime was issolating herself from the world…Homura’s biggest crime is fucking over her supposed best friend who went through the trouble of saving her sorry as and then destroyed eveyrthing she had acomplished simply because she didn’t have the strenght to move on with her life, she messed on everyone’s lives, something it’s obvios she knos it’s not right…I think at 14 you know that doing something like that isn’t right….it doesn’t get a pass with the “She’s a Kid” argument.

Same reason kids who commit atrocious crimes are judged as adults unless it is determined they have no understanding of their actions, they don’t get a pass because they’re kids and that is the right thing to do.

Also, why wouldn’’t I make “assumptions” about you? You only made very short reply in which you expressed a sentiment shared by tons of Homura Apologists, what do you expect people to do? To read your mind and say “Oh, this person applies this argument equally to everyone” I don’t know you, I didn’t plan on knowing you, I read your comment and you sounded like a Homura Apologist like the other people replying in the post, no difference so…I made the comment based on that, you want me to go and ask individually to each person “Oh..what are your exact sentiments on the matter before I make a reply about your comments so I make sure I am not making assumtions?” I won’t do that, that’s ridiculous.

Now I see you’re different, for starters you actually had the balls to come here and face me off anon, which is something I commend you on and now you explained your points better, so all is good now I guess, but don’t expect people to threat you differently when you don’t make an effort to stand out from the crowd.