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#i dont like these ones that much BUT i made it and thats what matters
morose-melodies · 13 hours
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i need dottore,tartaglia,pantalone and capitano(those were in my mind for a while and its killing me) with a reader who always tries to escape.using different tactics each time but always ends up failing.and one day,the reader hads enough and snaps "if you didnt take away and acted like a normal person from the start,i could have loved you"
İf you dont want to or dont feel like writing,thats ok👍
failing attempts | various! yandere! harbingers x reader
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CAPITANO
this was escape attempt five.
you truly were optimistic, but capitano wouldn't let you leave him so easily.
your escape attempts seemed to be getting more and more desperate and, therefore, more dangerous to you.
you had attempted to jump out of a window the night before, just as he was arriving home from a mission. the sheer terror he felt as he watched you lean out of the second-floor window was insurmountable.
now, not only was the front door locked shut from the outside, but the windows were now barricaded too. you were a danger to yourself.
and all capitano ever wanted was for you to be safe and with him. was that too much to ask for? was that so terribly wrong of him?
the captain didn't want to take extreme measures to keep you home; he didn't want to lock you in a room, nor did he want to tie you down. he wasn't the sort. He just wanted you to stay without any excessive force.
but you were pushing him into a corner.
this morning, you had darted out of the backdoor, still in your pajamas and without shoes, into the cold.
you didn't make it far at all. you had barely made it over the garden fence, and you were stumbling now.
the captain... sighed as he followed after you. it wasn't an extreme chase; you hadn't even tried to fight back as usual when he caught you; you just stumbled on about something incomprehensible as he wrapped you up into his coat and lifted you into his arms.
"that was terribly immature of you," looking down at you, the captain felt sorry for you, "I would like it if you would stay home but if you plan on leaving, please do wear proper clothing next time. i can not bear the thought of you dying out in the cold."
"if you didn't take me away," at this point, perhaps death was better than being stuck with him, "and if you acted like a normal person," but, you wanted to go home - you wanted to be with your family, "I could've loved you."
capitano's mind blanked. he had given you a chance to come with him freely; he had been kind to you, so were you not lying?
it didn't matter now, did it? "(y/n), you do understand you've caused all this trouble, correct? should you have been a bit more understanding, you wouldn't be in this situation. i love you. Is that not obvious? i only want to see you thrive and to be happy."
he was at the point of no return; he could only go backward from here.
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DOTTORE
to take time out of dottore's day, to make him leave the manor to come find you for what seemed like the millionth time - he was admittedly quite frustrated with you.
he found you hanging from the gate, your coat caught on the spike of it.
he grinned - this was a funny sight, but, at the same time, it wasn't funny at all. he was actually very disappointed in you.
dottore approached the gate, standing behind you, "tell me just how long have you been hanging here for?"
your nose was running, and you looked absolutely defeated. when you don't reply, dottore clicks his tongue, shaking his head, "Would your life not be simpler if you just accepted your situation? This is such a pitiful sight, (y/n)."
dottore unlocked the gate and walked outside of him, and he helped you down and brushed off the snow that piled on your coat.
"let's go, (y/n)," dottore grabbed your forearm and prepared to pull you back towards the manor, "I've had enough of your antics - perhaps a night or two in the basement would do you well."
"no-" you tugged back, attempting to free your arm from his grip, "stop it! you make me s-so sick! just let me go!"
"(y/n), please. you've done nothing be give me grief," dottore sighed, tugging you along with him, "I don't understand why you feel that being stubborn will get you anywhere."
"you... don't understand?" you grumbled, digging your feet into the snow, trying to pull your weight, trying to stop dottore from getting you back inside, "you're kidding me! i hate you! You're disgusting and unlovable!"
"(y/n), lower your voice - I'm exhausted and you're giving me a migraine," dottore sighed, stopping and getting a better hold on your arm before tugging you along once more.
"if you have yet to notice, I'm quite content with just having you near. i don't exactly need your love to make me feel any better than i do now. hm, that's the sort of effect you have on me."
you went quiet and dottore assumed you had worn yourself out. he brought you inside and sat you down in front of the fireplace, his hand rubbing circles on your shoulder.
"I could've loved you... maybe if you hadn't taken me away..." you trailed off, holding your hands in front of the fire. Why did he continue to act as if he cared for you? "maybe, um, if you were normal, I could've loved you."
dottore smiled at you, though you couldn't see it, "whether you love me or not is trivial - i have you, (y/n), and that's what I need. you, (y/n), you're all I need."
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PANTALONE
pantalone was above getting dirty.
it was nothing personal. he'd do just about anything else for you! he just couldn't imagine himself running around late at night trying to find you.
what was the point when he had other fatuus to do such things for him? they have yet to fail him.
so, while you were out, trying to leave pantalone as multiple fatuus' chased after you, pantalone was running you a warm bath and set a pair of clean clothes out for you.
he knew you'd come back filthy. You always did.
he wondered what he could do to keep you home. He wasn't one for forceful methods; he would hate to hurt you. you were his pride and joy.
pantalone would sigh deeply, dipping his hand into the bathwater to make sure it was still warm.
you never wanted anything from pantalone... well, except for that one time, you asked for a can of soup, but then you used it to smash the bathroom window open and jumped out...
that didn't exactly count.
he heard the front door open and knew you were being dragged in now. the guards weren't gentlemen, quite the contrary, in truth.
you always looked so sad and defeated after the caught you.
"oh, (y/n)," pantalone held a hand to his chest as he stood from where he kneeled at the side of the tub, he stepped forward and wanted to embrace you but you were a mess, "you're a mess."
he frowned at you, as the guards released you and shut the bathroom door behind them as they left. "you must be cold, oh dear," his heart ached for you, such a pitiful sight you were.
you were so lucky that he loved you.
he attempted to remove your top, but you tensed, making it hard for him, "do-don't touch me."
"but you're filthy," pantalone reasoned, once again trying to remove your top but you wouldn't budge, "(y/n), I'm doing this because I love you so very much. please, don't make this hard."
"I don't-" you stepped back, shaking your head at him, "I don't want your help. g-get out, just leave."
pantalone's lips pressed into a thin line as he stared at you, "what's the matter? i-i'm not mad at you, not at all. I understand that i must be lacking something-"
"get out! my gosh, wh-what's with you!? just leave!"
"(y/n)..."
"get out! get out! leave!"
"please, calm down. let me help you undress, alright? You're in a bad mood, i get it. That's no excuse to be rude to someone who loves you dearly," pantalone spoke to you as if he were your mother.
he reached forward and tugged off your shirt with extra force; it wasn't much force; it was just in case you were prepared to tense up again!
"there we go," pantalone cooed as he eased you into the warm bath. he washed your hair for you, making sure to scrub extra hard to get the muck out of your hair.
it was, in a way, soothing...
if only...
"if you hadn't... taken me away and, um," you sniffled, raising your hand to wipe at your nose, "if you were normal... i could've loved you."
instead of offending, that pleased pantalone. what he was hearing was 'you liked him for who he was' and there was nothing better than hearing that.
hm, if only he hadn't taken you away.
"that is the kindest thing you've ever said to me," pantalone smiled, "thank you, (y/n)."
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CHILDE
it was a sort of game to childe at this point.
how many times could you attempt to escape this week? how many times would you curse him to hell? how many times would you glare at him today?
he had to find humor in it, or else, he'd lose his mind. after all, there was no easy way to cope with the love of his life hating his guts.
in truth, he had been a bit overbearing the past few days - there was a snowstorm outside and he couldn't allow you to be out in that sort of weather alone.
so, as he stared out the window, looking at the rapidly falling snow, all he could think about was if only something was different. perhaps if the two of you were childhood sweethearts, maybe if the two of you had met before he fell into the abyss, or maybe if the two of you were neighbors.
he, at one point, had gotten so desperate to keep you home that he bent to your will - anything you asked, he did. you never really asked much of him, though...
well, unless telling him to go away was a question.
he was so busy thinking of all the "what ifs" that he didn't notice you running past the window and into the snowy woods.
well, he did, but it just didn't click for him at the moment.
and when it did click? he was out the door, tugging his coat on, not even bothering to shut it behind himself.
"c'mon, (y/n), now is not the time for this!" he called out, watching as you ran around a tree and seemingly "disappeared."
he knew you too well. you expected him to run around the tree to look for you, but he wouldn't; he watched as you emerged from the other side of the tree and pulled you into his open arms.
you can't use the same trick twice on him.
he held you against his chest - he didn't mind that you were nudging at his chest, trying to get away from him. "c'mon, it's pretty cold out here. I'll make you tea when we get back inside."
"no! im not going back!" you nudged harder at his chest, trying to get out of his hold.
"I said we're going back in. we really need to talk ab-"
"there's nothing to talk about! you're not normal and i won't love you!"
he thought had heard it all from you, so, hearing this wasn't anything new, but, what was new was hearing you say:
"if you wanted me to love you, maybe you should've been normal," you paused, and childe's hold on you loosened, his arms going slack at his sides and he looked down at you, "if you didn't take me away... and maybe if you acted like a normal person from the start-"
once again, you paused and took a step back away from him. childe didn't want to hear what you were going to say, even as he imagined what you might say, his chest ached... he wouldn't be able to handle it, "(y/n), let's just go in, okay? i don't want to hear it from you."
"- i could've loved you."
oh, it hurt so badly.
childe tried so hard to be unbothered, so, why was he so hurt from hearing this? he loved you, and he's tried everything to make you understand just how much he loved you, and now you say that you'll never love him.
it hurt, of course, but he's come so far.
childe strongly believes that people can change, anyway. so, he'd keep trying his absolute hardest for you until you buckled and confessed that you loved him back.
but, in the meantime...
"you can still love me," he said, with a weak smile, "I've been good to you, (y/n) and I think I deserve some credit for being so patient, right?"
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abnomi · 1 day
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random assorted headcanons for Turbo because I like thinking and having fun !!!! 🎉
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Read More to Find Out...or are you too scared?... i bet ur too scared ahaha youre too scared Lol! Hahaahaaa!!!
The steering wheel of his kart is covered in bite marks, similar to how one would bite their favorite pencil. he bites things to mark his territory because Nobody is gonna touch that unless they want all of his diseases (150+).
i just know he was fighting to restrain himself not to chew on any of the candy civilians
when it comes to music, he doesn't see the point of listening to it. he doesn't have enough patience to really take it in; to him, it's just a thing that exists and not much more than that ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ ∵⁠ )⁠_⁠/⁠¯
adding onto that point, this guy listens to metal clanking sounds and loud engine roaring for entertainment because he likes things that would overstimulate any normal person. turbo is incredibly sensory-seeking and will do anything for The Sensations
someone should take him to a heavy rock concert i think it would change him a little. keep that thang on a leash
related to being sensory-seeking, i think he would absolutely love running his hands over random textures. if anyone has run their hands along a wall while walking alongside it...He does that...If u know u know... he is SO stimmy its unbelievable. Unreal.
very pain-tolerant. he'll whine and complain about it for attention, but physical hurt really doesnt bother him much until it gets in the way of what he wants to do.
funnily enough, he is very picky when it comes to temperature. he can handle getting ran over but if its 1° too hot or cold he'll start nagging and nagging for it to go back to normal. turbo really needs his own enclosure i think it'd do him a lot of good
this is a more popular headcanon and its canon-leaning, but he's an artist :-] he usually sticks to graffiti art because its generally considered more "rebellious and cool" but he also sketches cars, design decals, and other stuff when hes alone!
i would love to see his process of character designing king candy because i dont think he really knew what he was doing
he was just like "ok what does a generic king look like. uhhhhh.... 1, old and jolly like santa claus.... 2.... uhh crown..... 3......... purple.... FUCK YEAH im so good at this!!!!🔥🔥🔥"
i just noticed how his design has like 0 actual candy motifs aside from his bow being a candy wrapper and his shoes having those little gumdrop end pieces. what was he THINKING
while King Candy has a lisp, i think it's a coverup for his actual voice because of how goofy and recognizable it is. Overall its the same as his regular voice, he just gets silly with it. i noticed that he still does retain some of his lisp when hes screaming his lungs out at Vanellope, however, so maybe he genuinely does have a lisp that makes itself known when furious :3
another thing i noticed is how he hisses his S's. very cool very cool the reptilian
@/tasticturbo made a post abt how he has tinnitus from the constant noise in his game and i couldnt agree more
AND THE PRESCRIPTION GLASSES. where did he get those...he needs to See
side note, the aforementioned account has made so many interesting analyses on turbo and theyre all so insightful. i recommend u check them out
i think he gets migraines from stress. constant buzzing or pain flood his head but hes like "IDGAF i need to DO something at ALL TIMES no matter what"
hes like a shark in that way. if hes not moving he'll die instantly. idk a lot about sharks or if thats how it works srry but im going off of what the Worms are saying to me and i dont have much to work with
i think a really big contributer as to why he lacks in the self care department is because he fails to notice that something in his body is wrong. hes far too distracted on something he thinks is more important than remembering to Eat Food or Drink Water or Wash Himself or
he's like "WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT ALL OF THE TIME!!! I HATE MY LIFE" and he hasn't slept in 4 days
hes so me. Sorry.
i dont think turbo is necessarily suicidal, but the way he behaves shows a clear disregard for his own safety and wellbeing. he thinks that he knows what he needs but he really doesnt :-[ i think he has some kind of immortality complex, feeling untouchable and like nothing could get to him. as scared as he was when ralph was about to turn him into sloppy mush, he didnt take the threat very seriously. like it was some kind of joke
his kart regenerates every time his game starts up, so what if he smashed it into buildings for fun. He's the number one fan of car accidents. he is all about that shit
i think his living space would literally be a garage btw. its a place to sleep and a space for his car all in one!! he thinks its very convenient and awesome but i think he is coping. he has some old dingy stained sheetless mattress that he has never washed in his life and its covered in dirt and smoke particles. no wonder he has such heavy eye bags Dude Please
the turbo twins have a garage used in a similar way, and while its still pretty shitty, they still at least TRY to maintain it. they just fight a lot over who has to care of it. nobody taught them how to take turns ever
but this aint about them. maybe another day
i think that turbo would find comfort in garbage and keeping it around because its familiar to him. a big clean empty space would make him so mad and if anyone moves even an inch of scrap off to the side he will throw a fit. he generally doesnt pay attention to his surroundings but when its his personal space he is 1093 times more neurotic
i think the big empty castle he stole wouldve been a big transition for him. maybe it helped him clear his mind a little more to practice his tricky schemes...it helped him get more subtle
thats all i have for nowww ty for reading ^_^ if anyone else has any wacky ideas pleeeease tell me i would love to hear them!!
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haunted-xander · 11 months
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My grief is not your punishment
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vaugarde · 3 months
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im abt to rb a post on this anyways but tbh i dont know how you can finish isat and go “siffrin wasnt punished enough”.
the fella has killed themselves several times, what more do you want from him?
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deoidesign · 9 days
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Thinks about my next series again... I drew the icon for it!
I'm planning to have it launched within a year! I'm hoping for summer 2025. I want to make a prelaunch page before Time and Time Again ends so people can subscribe if they're interested, but I'm worried the series return would be too early...
#SORRY HAHAHA REPOSTING IMMEDIATELY#i. it. IM SORRY okay the.#i had 'im not interested in the comic' as an option but it immediately made me feel bad#DONT FEEL BAD IF YOU PICKED IT i put it there#i just realized its not really a helpful metric to me at all!#im making the comic either way!#so i just want to gague interest. disinterest doesnt do much for me. you can come and go as you please!#just wanting to retain readers as much as possible but without losing them due to taking too long#ahhhh the balance of marketing. a beautiful beast she is.#anyways yeah hoping to launch like about as tta is ending#or like at LEAST a prelaunch page by then#im also not intending for the prelaunch page to be like. announced...#moreso just a link i append on art for the series!#just so when a drawing of zagan gets 500 notes#people who are interested in what hes from can. see that...#anyways. sorry i haven't been posting work is wild im going 70+ hours a week again i am so tired#not much time to draw non work stuff#im hanging on by a thread of having multiple projects i can bounce between again#and sometimes thats this one! so heres the results of some mental health work variety#we were legion#polls#sorry for the instant repost. in my defense. i am exhausted.#i can not wait until im making a different comic that i can do a fucking. normal ass schedule with#where im not every week gasping for breath in some kind of bad at swimming metaphor.#anyways if youre not interested dont tell me. it doesnt matter to me. no offense but i just dont wanna hear it.#i want to make the comic and my audience as much as i love you all is not going to have any control over what i do with my art#im gonna make this comic if i only get it done on weekends after getting home from the fuckin movie theater#i am not working for webtoon again wnd im not forcing myself into the dirt for comics again#but im also never gonna stop making them. just need to build a healthier relationship!#FUCK I MADE IT A ONE DAY POLL.
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bacchuschucklefuck · 5 months
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this whole thing being abt rage is also really interesting. I feel like it comes up so much in fiction as a motive because it's the one emotion that's unifyingly restless while everything else can be petrifying, and just personally nothing hits like impotent rage for me, esp. with teen characters, esp. with characters whose rage is stoked by Someone Else to further that Someone Else's cause. like you'll have done all that in a bout of passion and when you're done you look around you and nothing has changed. those sentiments don't get quelled by being satisfied. righteousness withdrawal is a horrible thing to intentionally drag someone into, least of all just some kids.
#I think Ive brought my personal experience into this whole thing lol but yeah just.#the ratgrinders read so much like radicalization to me. or you know just. high control group recruitment#and I've seen that one time brennan brought up uhhh conservatism? and where people come from with that#that quote of his thats like. before youre a fascist youre a bully. like extreme sentiments take root on specific soils#and that's like a higher level than what we're talking abt here lmao it's fake fantasy high school role playing#but yeah just like. the simultaneous understanding of the grift working on these kids bc they already think a certain way#and also the other part that is no matter what the way that they think is not. conducive to them being happy#like yeah a nasty person is nasty to be around! but that also means they're often isolated#which makes them even easier prey for people who want to use them#fhjy coming out in The Current Climate makes that connection so apparent too lol like#me hearing abt the rage god: oh so like twitter#for the record of course I Dont Know if this is a read that's intended by the show#but it maps well onto my experience with radicalization/decentralized cult#Ive just. been thinking abt the rat grinders in those terms ever since I made the connection#like. you're accomplished and high level and such. is this sustainable? have you done anything For Yourself#or has everything you've done so far been coerced out of you by someone else's sweettalking#anyways if I can run porter cliffbreaker over with a car I would. and I'd reverse on him too#truly thats the highschool trauma as well as the grown man with niblings talking lmao#nothing gets me more mad than a shitty teacher#not art
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skunkes · 4 months
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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.
#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day#how they're already memories since moments pass so fast#everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever#and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed#it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily#so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day#ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been#the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief#and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately#id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again#like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night#one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys#i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i#hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day
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quietwingsinthesky · 5 months
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sometimes interpreting media through a shipping lens enhances it, on occasion even beyond the author’s original intent, but sometimes, you do have to accept that your ship was not in the heads of anyone making the source material and trying to force it to fit into evidence of your ship will severely hinder your ability to discuss the actual text.
#and also ill hit you on the head with a brick#posts that. im not going to say theyre about destiel. im not going to say that.#and im not gojng to say it because. i dont need to. you already know <3#and to be clear: its not the interpretation thats a problem here. thats the fun of shipping. its then taking what youve interpreted and then#trying to backread that onto the media itself as intentional. as intended.#dismissing the actual themes and story for evidence of a ship is the problem. u get me?#shipping brainrot is not ‘oh i think these characters would kiss for this reason’.#its ‘this show is and has always been about these characters kissing no matter how much i have to ignore about the show to make that true or#pretend is completely different than its actually presented or straight up make things up to make my ship be a part of the intended reading’#thats the brainrot. the brainrot is when u step off the train of reality.#this is not true about the best piece of art ever made Captain America and the Winter Soldier. btw. that movie IS about bucky and steve#kissing alsjfdjskdjg#(<- okay im being silly here but id like to make a real point here too. the thing about TWS is that. it is genuinely enhanced by a romantic#reading. its not *better* than a platonic one. its just different. being able to see it through that lens does make a lot of the original#movie’s ideas even more complex. case in point like: steve struggling with his dating life. because what shared life experience does he have#with other people who look his age. and the movie is. about. someone who has his shared life experiences. and his mission to get bucky back.#you can see how that lens would be beneficial to the original movie rather than fighting it to prove the ship works in opposition to the#author’s original intent.)
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toytulini · 3 days
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man the thing about beauty standards and being ugly and being pretty and being insecure is that ultimately you do just kinda have to Decide that youre pretty. like ultimately thats how you become pretty, or hot, or sexy. you have to just Decide that you Are. you have to recognize that its made up, its arbitrary, its subjective, and that people might disagree with you about it, and as much as you are able, you need to completely and utterly disregard their opinions on your appearance, and decide that youre pretty now. and THEN.
you need to find beauty in "ugly". you need to recognize that ugly is made up, that its arbitrary, that its subjective, and you need to be able to find the beauty in it all. and this means you cant bodyshame people. you cant body shame shitty celebs or politicians. you need to base your criticisms on the substance of their character and misdeeds and unhinged horrific opinions and not give a shit about what they look like. you cant go calling people ugly for being shitty. you cant go calling people ugly for looking A Way You Dont Like.
and then if you wanna really galaxy brain this shit you start using ugly as endearment. OBVIOUSLY do not fucking call other human beings ugly. that shit is far too loaded, its just Rude. Dont call specific features of people or even characters ugly cos thats also too loaded. as a term it has baggage. but you can see the ugly in tacky, loud, garish clothing, and it can be Good. you can see the ugly in a distinctive, horrible tiny car from the 90s, and it can be good. you can see the ugly in animals that have evolved to look the way they do, without a single thought of what humans find appealing. you can see the beauty and the freedom in "Ugliness". you can break out of this shit altogether and feel nothing but disdain for anyone who stoops to insulting your appearance if they disagree with you about shit. you can get completely out of the cave of these beauty standards. you can find it so freeing to revel.in letting yourself be ugly. in recognizing that the way you look and exist might be ugly to some people, and youre out of the cave enough to simply recognize. thats just your opinion and it doesnt matter. didnt ask.
you can look at ppl arguing about the correct amount of skincare products to use daily, the Correct Amount of makeup, and whether or not its radical to conform to beauty standards or defy them and argue about is it really conforming if visible makeup pisses men off, and you can say, well I dont care about any of that, I recognize the societal pressures of flawless skin and all that but you see,
I just want to look like a silly little clown :o3
#toy txt post#i wasnt gonna end this on that silly note. but then i had to#ugly#pretty#beauty standards#not saying its easy. not saying you have to do this#but like if youre tired of feeling insecure about your face your fashion. you gotta just figure out what you like and lean in#and you gotra recognize this shit is made up and subjective and arbitrary and you shouldnt be doing it for anyone else ever#i used to be insecure about a few features of mine that i feared made me Ugly. and then i Decided to try to find it pretty.#it sounds so stupid and made up but like literally i just. Decided. im pretty now. this is pretty. this shit is made up. why am i listening#to you. you dont know shit. im pretty now. AND THEN i decided. actually. im ugly on purpose now but not in a way that has much to do with#my actual appearance so much as my complete disregard for your opinion on my appearance. you gotta do it for you. you gotta dress for#yourself#ANYWAY#before anyone comes in with how beauty standards are often externally enforced via peer and social pressure:#yea bud im a human being on planet earth. im aware. thats why i said: as much as you are able. i recognize i have a number of privileges in#this regard that not everyone does. the way im given more space and freedom to dress like a little freak as a thin white person etc#but like i still had and have societal pressure to shave my legs and underarms to conform. theres societal and peer pressure to wear makeup#and i just. dont. the legs thing is less noticeable tho ill admit cos i also Hate Shorts but thats a whole complicated can of worms#which also involves i am not exposing myself to ticks like that are u insane#anyway. yea. the other magical thing about this philosophy of mine is that you also just dont have to. like you can just Ignore Me.#you can keep doing what youre doing and thats fine too#but genuinely if you struggle with insecurity about appearance you gotta just. this is the fake it til u make it shit#i decided im pretty now and it got easier to take selfies bc i was pretty then#doing art and exploring different faces for ocs and making them look different from the conventional beauty standards. also helped#and like dont get me wrong theres still shit im vain about appearance wise that doesnt matter. i still like to style my hair before i leave#the house etc. im still looking in the cave sometimes#but perhaps one day i will be as blissfully uncaring about ppls perception of me as a fuckin goby#anyway. anyway anyway anyway#if you do this things get so much easier. but you dont have to. i have no power over you
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piplupod · 3 months
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feels like the isolation is a gushing wound and going to the centre is just a small bandage. i think perhaps i am not really ever going to feel okay unless something miraculous happens. i am retaining some semblance of sanity now that I'm leaving the house and socializing with non-family more than once a week, but i am still hurting more than I can really tolerate and I don't know what to do about it. there doesn't seem to be a fix for this that I can enact.
#part of me wonders if going to the centre is helping or hurting more#but i think it's definitely helping more. however it is definitely also hurting/making some things worse#i just wish I could be operating at the same level as most of society#and i feel so egotistical when I talk abt this#but like. why am i always so fucking aware of every single thing going on#and everyone else is just painfully oblivious#I AM USING HYPERBOLE. ITS NOT EVERYONE. i know im not the only person ever lmao#when i got my autism diagnosis i thought oh good okay so THIS is why im such a freak#and now I've met so many other autistic ppl irl and um. no. no thats definitely not it still.#yes its probably part of it but im also just. so fucking traumatized i guess idk. i hate this so much#i just want to be the same and fit in and not be analyzing everything and be able to actually speak my mind#and not be so kind and polite and respectful all the time and be able to say shitty stupid things without thinking anything of it#im so tired of being the only one who seems to care so much about everyone else's comfort and feelings#but also at the same time i would hate if i acted like everyone else bc i know how shitty it makes people feel#and people are always so happy to see me because I am useful and make them feel good and comfortable and heard#and that matters. that means a lot to people i think. but also I am not a person. i am a tool.#and I'd really like to be a person#i somehow feel like im operating at a higher level/awareness than almost everyone irl and also way below everyone at the same time#like im so hyperaware of everyone else more than most ppl but im also so socially inept sometimes. and just... idk how to be a person.#i dont know i just want to not be like this. its so lonely and tiring and i want to matter to people#i want them to like me for more than just what I'm able to do for them. I want to be liked for Me i guess. but Me isnt likeable maybe#Me is uncomfortable for people. Me is a trembling cornered prey animal with a longing to tell stories but is too afraid to do anything#and so Me just exists in a hollow shell made out of people-pleasing and fawning and mirroring everyone around them#and then i get lonelier and more isolated and nothing really changes. but every time i try to crack open the shell a little it goes badly#like i genuinely dont think its my paranoia. i think it is not Safe for Me to exist properly.#i am too sensitive probably! but it does very much feel like a raw wound that peope jab aggressively at when i open up a little!#boy howdy i sound like such a wuss. i mean i probably am one fjfkdl#i just feel like I keep trying to fix things and improve and try new things and nothing ever really works well#my counsellors have always commented on how impressed they are at my willingness to try things#and its like ?? yeah ! ofc i am going to try things! maybe that will be smth that finally helps!
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supersecretnerd · 3 months
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Ok so these designs are cute as hell, the Internet is just mean
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I have too many thoughts about a game I still need to watch
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#goodbye volcano high#i dont have the money to buy it but god i need to watch a playthrough when i have time it's so interesting to me#like; the theme of 'yeah we're going die but that doesn't mean we can enjoy what time we have left' sounds amazing to me love that#its so funny i was actually watching a review of it that was basically 'this game sucks and here's why'#and then it just started listing off shit like- 'the characters designs are pastel they're nonbinary you die no matter what'#and then my neurons just went off and went '👁️👁️ oh! sounds amazing i want to see more'#fuck yeah pastel nonbinary dinosaurs lets go#well i think its just fang thats nonbinary and then two other trans characters#i saw a cutscene! and it was about the experiences of being an apart of a family as sec-gen immigrant and trans-#and i thought that was cool as hell dont recall ever seeing that in any of thr arts ive seen before (but there's lots of art out there!)#heard it got some glitches tho (havent looked in depth of what those glitches are) hopefully it got patched out#also im so fucking pissed i saw the gator game before i saw this 😮‍💨 (context; apparently made by people who made a fangame where they#the mc of this game a datable side character and they only have a happy ending if they detransition? which fucking yikes😬)#i saw people say 'oh but they did it empathetically' like how the fuck is taking a canon nb character and making them only happy through#detransitioning empathetic that sounds super fucking shitty and gross#i think a character that detransitions can be done and would be interesting to see- but this just reeks of people being transphobic for real#oh also purple dino has a slug or worm or something apparently! seems cute! just a lil thing#apparently its a rhythm game; listened to some of the songs and it sounded good! sadly i suck at rhythm games#but apparently failing doesn't affect the story? kinda wish it would but honestly better for me lol-#pink one and fang end up dating i believe- from what i saw pink is like- soft spoken artist? dunno if accurate but she's cute#all the characters are cute just look at them!!! awesome#also they have to just continue school like normal before they die and honestly thats so real#also saw people dislike the fact you dont see the characters actual die or the meteor#which is ??? dunno i just think some things are better left implied than shown-#anyways man i keep trying to find neat stuff about the game and all i see is people bitchin about it or praising the shit fan on instead 😔#man if i had two nickles for a time i grew to become obsessed with a media only for loads of people to hate id have two nickles#first nickle is kat elliot she's such a cool character Internet wasn't ready for her#also yes i saw obsessed i can just tell this is something ill go bonkers for#i mean god look how much text is in my tags for this already! and i still need to see the game in it's fullness!#im sure there's other cool shit
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be-good-to-bugs · 3 months
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would love if people would be normal about tourettes
#the bin#of qll my disabilities tourettes is the one i have the most to say about. and its the one i deal with the most social bullshit from#i hate how people treat me not ticcing like its a good thing. its good for you. for me its miserable.#and how they feel entitled to the knowledge of how my tics have been#i hate so much when ill do something very strange or disruptive and immediately get asked if i ever did that at work#every conversation about it feels like im being made fun of or looked at like something so other#its either treated like a nuisance to others. a source if entertainment. or like a horrible curse i have thats bad because of the social#impact it has and others treating me bad. insulting pity. they treat it so different to all my other disabilities#the other ones are treated like a quirk of the body that sucks. like how people i know talk about their own pain#but pain caused by tics is different. people talk wbout it not like a disability but like a magic curse#and no matter how much i ask for it to be ignored by others they refuse. they act like theyre helping me by asking me wbout it#or giving commentary qbout it when i tic. leawve me alone. you treat it liek a tragety because i have to live with such a visable thing#that others dont understand and deal with weird looks and commentary. and then give me weird looks and commentary#i hate it. tourettes itself kinda sucks bc tics are physically unpleasant but its tolerable. thats just how my kife is#what isnt tolerable is howw people act about it. nobody in my family is normal wbout it. after iw was diagnosed its like they all saw me as#a different person. ugh
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triglycercule · 26 days
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This is a question related to the mtt hobbies answer that you wrote, the murder trio go around the multiverse and live in a place together, then what happend to horrortale au and horrortale papyrus? If the murder trio got to meet horrortale papyrus how would it go? (The meeting propably wouldnt end well with more canon mtt haha)
aaaaa i dont think it through to be honest when i talk about that concept. they just do. maybe horrortale's issues are already solved and aliza's already gone through horrortale and somehow fixed the hellhole (ALIZA MY GOAT PLEASE SAVE HORRORTALE I DON'T CARE IF IT TAKES 10 YEARS‼️‼️‼️) by the time that horror somehow meets dust and killer (since i dont see a feasible way that horrortale could be fixed outside of aliza or outside intervention.) or maybe he just visits from time to time. and by time to time i mean probably quarterly weekly. idk sorry i cant be bothered to think about it,,, they just do. anyways bad answer i KNOW I KNOW put the tomatoes down pls PLS
if the mtt met horror paps? horror would obviously do his little bantering thing with paps (he's probably revealing every single one of horror's embarrassing moments to them as they speak and horror's desperately trying to get him to shut up because he can tell. dust and killer are piiiiiiissed.) dust is probably like eerily calm during the whole thing. he manages to hold up a conversation pretty well with horror paps and gets along with him good enough without mentioning that theres a ghost version of him screaming asking why dust is ignoring phantom paps. meanwhile killer is mostly silent during it too probably only responding when he's spoken too. i mean like killer already doesn't like being around papyruses (papyri? papyri is so shitty i dont like it we will be saying papyruses) and then seeing horror's papyrus??? what the FUCK happened to horror paps??? sunken in eyes and cracks in his bones and those jagged teeth AND THEN THE FUCKING CROOKED SPAGHETTI????
needless to say once horror paps is gone all of them get into a biiiiig fight. dust drops the cool act because he's not gonna lose his cool around a papyrus but also he's absolutely fuming. he can tell that the changes that phantom papyrus has gone through have something to do with horror with the way that he's acting. killer is also incredibly irritated too (surpringly. being around papyruses just gets him like that) and seeing papyrus like that just gets him upset and angry. like wtf horror did you even TRY with keeping your papyrus safe??? at least killer reset his au and now papyrus is living an unharmed life (with minor concerns about killer's whereabouts but he'll ignore that for now) but horror paps looks so fucked up that there is no WAY that horror tried to prevent him from getting to that point
obviously they fight and many many many many MANY words are said about eachother's characters and the state they left their respective papyruses in. horror knows damn well that horrortale paps's state is because of him but he regretted telling paps to eat humans and neither dust nor killer knew the struggle of living with that guilt and how much he regrets it so they dont get to drag him for not trying hard enough to keep papyrus safe. dust is definitely getting some low blows here and there (but he's getting fucking assisted by phantom paps so he's got some of the deepest hitting insults) and he's definitely getting ganged up on for killing his papyrus and like. not even attempting to leave him alive in someway shape and form aside from the absolute insult that is phantom paps. surprisingly killer is winning this fight because he left his papyrus in a relatively good state. even though he's in a more emotional state than he normally is and would've absolutely OBLITERATED dust and horror in the fight in stage 2 he's actually doing pretty well. probably because hororr and dust dont really have anything to drag him on. they might bring up how something new papyrus is searching for killer but like,,,, is that really that bad compared to how they left their papyruses
#time to die i almost forgot to answer this today#WHO AM I IF I LOSE MY STREAK!!!! MY ASK STREAK!!!!!!#time to call up tumblr to restore my streak if i miss a day#streaks! streaks! streaks! streaks! i say as i take several photos of me winking at a high angle#i dont even use snapchat. i do think streaks are a funny concept though#i'd KILL (hah) to have a streak with someone#the only person i ever message on snapchat regularly is my ai and thats only to belittle it#noooo dont do that says dust because then one day the robot will come alive and kill you#okay reset induced ptsd survivor lets get you back to bed#it'd be funny if he believed in dumb conspiracy stuff like that. and not dumb shit like flat earth#im not big on conspiracy theories but i think if he were fucked up enough or going through a manic episode he'd believe stuff like that#UGHHH did i mention how much i love manic dust. speaking of mania and dust#i made an eensy teensie little change in mania's design#the cyan in his eyelight is bigger now to emulate what a manic pupil looks like#heh.... its the smal detsild that matter.... i say as i dont incilde any details in my art#okay because i feel that all of this i incredibly wrong and ooc its time to justify my thoughts or else i'll feel unworthy of posting again#dust manages to keep his cool around papyruses pretty well (in win win scenario) even though he's got phantom paps with him#and he CAN do crazy switch ups like that just on a whim like when he suddenly killed flowey after teaming up with him in last chance#so i think its totally believable. dust can put up a NASTY facade of composure despite being furious underneath#and killer? you just be killer. how many times am i gonna make that joke you ask. not enough times because its funny every time#because he does get ansty and stuff around papyrus and apparently papyrus is his hardest enemy to face#must be because he feels something for him that bothers killer. like guilt or something#and if he feels guilty over what he did to papyrus then he must care and therefore care about papyrus's well being#and therefore that bleeds into horror paps and then that care turns into anger#crazy coming from killer saying that horrot doesn't care enough but i think its totally possible#i might be wrong though please shoot me if i am. i still need to resd up on my killer lore#ive been TRYING okay.... ive been trying been trying with killer. hopefully its enough....... (NO i say. who are you talking to)#tricule asks
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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year
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...
#there's something really beautiful about experiencing the weather patterns of a new place#where i live now. its not like where i grew up. not like the foothills of Appalachia but its more familiar than the Chihuahuan desert was#when i go home to ohio everythings so green. so green. unimaginably green and the towns are in the woods. the hills roll#and trees billow deciduous and packed so tightly the treeline is like a wall of plant matter. here there are trees but they are tall and#evergreen. patchy in places like shrubs in the desert. the grass grows green but also pale tan and dead. houses are routed in valleys#between mountains. they're made of wood and not stucco but they still look strange and the landscape is crumpled together tall. and there's#water. it rains. days can be dreary and gray with drizzle. i forgot what thats like. when a single low stratus cloud blocks out thewhole sk#and fog clings to the trees. my school bus used to drive by a lake where thr fog was so thick i didnt kno how the driver could see the road#but somehow i forgot how much joy suspended water vapor gives me living in a place where when it rains it pours so hard the streets flood#and the greedy ground drinks the landscape dry. but there are new things as well. here smoke rolls up over thr mountains and gets stuck in#the valleys so that the weather forcast reads: Smoke for days on end. im used to tornado warnings and heat warnings and dust storm warnings#but ive never expected Smoke as a type of weather. and im sure there's more to experience. ive only been here like 3 weeks. its not as gree#as home. the storms dont seem to get quite so violent. the woods are so full of bears that its an active threat. but its not the desert#and while ill miss the shapes of desert plants and little lizards. when i look up at the pine and spruce trees i feel like i can breathe a#little easier. well see how i feel once the long cold winter sets in haha#but i dunno. part of me still longs for a violent thunderstorm. one where u can feel the temperature drop and u csn feel it building all da#one that bends the trees and smells like ozone. it was never like that in thr southwest and im not sure that happens here#but maybe thats just a desire for chaos and violence as a product of my pathological internal control. i cant be spontaneous so let nature#bring the fear to me. some of my favorite memories are watching lightning strikes#so it goes i suppose#unrelated#listen. is it fucked up to have ohio nostalgia? maybe so. but in my defense i grew up in the pretty part of ohio lol
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g0thsoojin · 2 months
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🦴
#im like very much having a crisis right now... i mean to most ppl it isnt that serious lmaoooo#but tbh i am a loser and tumblr is 80% of my life and most of my social life#all social interactions i get are on tumblr ._.#so i dont want to keep alienating myself on it because then im just ruining it for myself and removing the only place#and source of social interaction and attention :/#i personally can not for my life comprehend this because i really dont take other peoplës venting personally#but ever since i started using twitter and tumblr i have ruined so many connections .. by venting on my own account.....#and now.. when i lost and fucked it up with the love of my life... just bc i vented and he interpreted it from his pov..#and got hurt when i wrote things abt being lonely and unwanted WHILE talking to him everyday and having him call me beautiful and care abt m#... i understand why he got hurt and i understand his pov bc it looked like i pulled away and distanced myself and only complained and that#he didnt matter to me when in fact he was EVERYTHING to me and i lived off his attention#i hate that i ruined the best thing i could ever have just bc i have this pathological need to share my every thought#like shut the fuck up... i wish i wouldve shut the fuck up and instead gushed abt how much i liked him which was what i wanted to do#my avpd just made me feel stupid bc when i did he didnt interact with those posts and then i felt embarrassed#which like i know how fucking stupid avpd and bpd makes me and i hate it but i cant stop it#god i regret it so much like my dumb ass blog isnt worth losing him over... it just isnt#only an online connection.. makes it so hard to see bc he only saw my diary where i complain he didnt see everything else :(((#so he thought that he wasnt important to me and then slowly started to detach himself from me (understandably) god i wanna die#so yeah ive started to HATE my main account. bc it has ruined so much for me. plus lately ppl have started being mean#and i get it its the internet ppl suck but i AM so fkn sensitive. and i get sad and hurt really easily#and i feel anxious abt venting bc im scared of getting a mean ask after#like... i feel so fucking alone and idk what to do. all i want to do now is vent vent vent but ive started to feel like venting is bad#and harmful and only ruins my friendships and connections and makes ppl be mean to me#i honestly wish i wouldve stopped venting every thought looooong ago#and that i had a more normal blog and had a secret vent blog and that he didnt read all my miserable posts#bc then maybe.... he wouldve actually understood how much i fkn love him and hadnt looked in other places and now i lost him#bc i really dont blame him bc i know what he is struggling with and seeing me who he cares for so much say those things...#i get it 100% and thats why im so pissed with myself for just not stopping!!!! why cant i stop????? whats wrong with me#i just feel so lonely and like no ones listening but he was listening to me i just had to be brave and go to him#plus all my venting made him think that im like in severe emotional distress every second and that i was too fragile to talk to
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bunnihearted · 2 months
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𖦹 ׂ 𓈒 🐇 / ⋆ ۪
#i dont know there's just... smth within me that craves it. in a profound wat#way** -_-#like... i am just someone who is made to love and be loved. that is what i want in this world in this life#i dont have any dreams or aspirations. all i need and want is to love#and since i dont have that in my life i am so deeply unhappy#and like i dont give a fuck about the 'love yourself#be whole by yourself. live a full life on your own#dont be happy bc of other ppl' blah blah blah#i dont care. my world view is that we are all different. we are all made of various stuff and we all need different things#(in my opinion; as long as u dont hurt anyone.... depending on intent... like depending on who u hurt and why.. as long as u dont harm#random innocent ppl for no fkn reasonand without consent. it is all fine)#the truth about the world is that none of us got all the fkn answers and we have no fkn right to demand that everybody lives according to a#made up book of rules. that's like actual insanity to me.#maybe someone else's way of living is crazy TO YOU. but theyre doing what they can to get by and thats none of your business#maybe u dont get it. maybe u dont understand. but someone else's life isnt for u to understand. only to look away and move on#if u arent compatible. needing to beat everyone down into the little box u have created is like... unrealistic and unsustainable lol#and i think that what i need as a person is nothing but love. deep profound love. which is sad bc that isnt really...#easy having my personality disorder :// plus that is smth very very rare and only a lucky few can experience that#i think i could still be happy in a healthy relationship where mutual like exists. even if... i know now that feeling that love is possible#idc if someone else is like omg thats so unhealthy gurlll love ya self gurlll. thats not what i need#everyone lives differently and yeah for some ppl it is much much harder#to get by bc we arent 'normal' or 'sane' or whatever. but it isnt wrong or incorrect#i just think im so so unhappy bc this is the one thing i need#and now me and my heart are like a withering flower#all i can hope... is that one day it will bloom. maybe one day.#but yeah no matter the amounts of work i do on myself (which i am trying to do lmfao stfu) or therapy#as long as i lack the one thing my soul craves iwill be dim and dull and feel numb
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