#i dont need no iPhone

[alwayslookingafter]

The art of accidental screenshots

[strangewiggles]

i call this one “art that wouldnt be pathologic related if i didnt write words on it”

[orcelito]

I think I cried harder today over my dad's jackets than I did at his deathbed. That was a miserable time of course, a memory that will likely be seared into my brain until I die, but I cried... I think a normal amount, all things considered. More than I ever usually do of course, but I typically don't cry At All. All this free crying is certainly surreal.

The jackets, though. I was put in charge of doing his laundry, because we don't want to pack up dirty clothes. I was expecting it to be unpleasant bc my dad's dirty clothes - gross. But really, it was much more unpleasant in that... those were his. It felt wrong to touch them. Felt wrong to treat his jackets as gross. Because they were just his jackets. They weren't even in the hamper. And then I was remembering him wearing them, and then I was crying. Again. And again. Weeping over these damn jackets.

Then I found a shirt on his bed that still smelled like him. It smelled like a Hug From Dad. And that set me off crying even harder.

In total, I think I cried like 6 times within 40 minutes. It took me that long to finish sorting the damn clothes bc I just. Was a wreck. Like, what are you supposed to do when you're living life like normal, vaguely hopeful bc you're taking steps to secure your own happiness, and then 4 days later you're sorting your dad's laundry because he fucking died. Suddenly. Without a goodbye.

And you have to worry about his lack of a will (even under an ideal situation, only 2 heirs and no conflicts between us, probate's a fucking Bitch), and arranging the funeral, and prepping his obituary, and picking out pictures, and writing a speech bc you want to talk at his funeral, of Course you want to talk at his funeral, but even just thinking about anecdotes you could share has you crying yet again.

I've cried more times in the past 3 days than likely the entirety of last YEAR. And that's WITH my cat, and uncle, and family friend dying. Those all hurt, my uncle most of all, & I was real fucked up over it. But this? This was my Dad. Likely the person I'd have named 2nd closest to me in my life, second only to my sister. He wasn't perfect, but he did so much for me throughout my entire life. All he wanted was to raise us to be happy and independent. And he accomplished it, we're getting by without him, but we still wanted several more decades with him. He was only 57. We should've gotten several more decades with him.

But here we are now. Playing investigators to his life, digging into all his shit, trying to find documents and take inventory of all his things, and learning Many things about him in the process. In his lockbox of sensitive documents, like his SSN and birth certificate and all that stuff, we found an old letter. About a decade old now, written in my hand. Right at the very top, we found that he'd kept the letter I wrote to him telling him frankly about my struggles and the things I wanted him to do better. He kept it. He tried to take it to heart. He looked at it again, sometime more recently than all the rest of the documents. That was on top.

His love for us is evident everywhere. The pictures he has hanging up all over the place, majority of them with us in them. The old fathers day cards placed on display in his bedroom bookshelf. The gifts we gave him, even stupid little knick knacks, placed around his apartment with pride. I wish we'd taken more videos of him. I don't want to forget the sound of his voice. I don't want to forget his smell either, the smell of a Hug From Dad, but I still tossed that shirt into the wash even though it felt like saying yet another goodbye.

It's the suddenness that hurts the most, I think. We were planning on having him help me finally get my license this year. My final words to him, the last thing he would've seen from me, were messages asking up on whether he'd called his car insurance company to make sure there wouldn't be problems. I should've called him more. I don't know if I'm going to learn from this.

I cut my 2 weeks off early to have time to grieve and to work on things for the funeral and settling the estate. The last thing I'd wanna do right now is selling fucking bubble tea in a job I already decided to leave. So here I am without a job, though with potentially two life insurance policy payouts to come. Inheriting half his 401k. Inheriting couches, knickknacks, keepsakes, paintings, art pieces, maybe even his guitar and other furniture if we can figure out what to do about space (I don't have room for this furniture, I don't know if I even have room for the couches, but God do I want to keep so much of this furniture). It has me even considering keeping one of his guns, just one. A tiny little revolver, it sits so comfortably in my hand. I don't even want to use it for anything. I just want to have it, keep it stored in a drawer with its ammo kept separate. I don't like guns, but this is a part of him. He loved collecting guns. He was about as responsible with them as someone can be, keeping them locked in a lockbox and impressing upon his children the importance of gun safety (I've known the basic gun safety rules ever since I was a little kid. Of course, of course, of course.) It reminds me of him. It's horrifically easy to have a gun in Indiana. I apparently don't even need a permit to carry anymore. (I have no intention to ever carry this in public.)

It's all a cycle. Business, grief, thoughts about my future. Round and round, like the most nauseating carousel in existence. I don't know how I'm still so functional. My skills with compartmentalization have been my lifesaver.

And im just thinking about the story my dad's best friend shared today. About a friend of theirs who lost her father. She reached out after hearing about my dad to share his words with her: "it's okay to grieve, but don't make his death your life".

He explicitly referenced himself in this, saying if he were to die suddenly that he wouldn't want us to define ourselves by it. Grief is expected, but he wants us to be able to move on. He's always wanted us to establish ourselves and make ourselves happy. He wouldn't want to be a weight holding us back from that.

So every time I start to feel guilty for thinking about having nicer furniture or using his life insurance payout to fund the rest of my college, I remind myself of that. Thinking about the material isn't a bad thing. I'm only human. And in the end, he'd Want me to be thinking about it. He never intended to die, certainly not without warning like this, so he would've only encouraged me being pragmatic about it all.

He only ever wanted us to be happy. So I need to do what I can to live up to that.

I love him. I miss him already.

[lesbiangiratina]

Oh my god i need to get a phone with a headphone jack before i end it all.

[dumb-homo-tool]

not to be a grumbly old man or anything but i honestly hate current iphones and most modern social media. that shit is so censored and sterilized it feels so gross to be in the presence of it. i fucking HATE the apple store that shit feels like they're trying to make a spaceship in the middle of the got damn mall. looking futuristic and clean just for the sake of it. can we as a society go back to being gross and disgusting and not have to rely on asshole billionaires so that we have tiny screens in our pockets at all times. i love old computers and cd players and shit because there's still a way to step away from constant stimulation and being fed dipshit propaganda and advertisements by the mouthful

[lover-of-mine]

Ryan not having an iphone is everything to me actually ksoskspskapkapa

[8bit-mau5]

FOUR whole traditional sketch busts started and finished today! I wanted to use my new pencils and also needed some quick cash to afford cat food + litter, it was a great way to get warmed up to traditional art again TBH and i had so much fun w/these characters! 

Mauve border - @/ashbackwards

Green border - @cygnos​

Red border - @suburbancryptic​

Blue border - @suburbancryptic​

Commission info under the cut for anyone interested in these next week! [25 USD]

[1327-1]

i’ve had enough. ordered a new phone

[akascow]

they should stop making star wars shows bc i caught a glimpse of my dad watching ahsoka yesterday and the show is so crisp and it looks good but it definitely doesnt not feel like star wars in the slightest

part of it is just because i relate star wars with the original 6 movies which yk was filmed in the 70s-80s so naturally the footage was super grainy and thats just what i associate star wars with so it feels suuuuper out of place to see like actual good modern cameras

also this is a me thing but i dont like cgi HAHA i like the stupid but innovative looking practical fx from the 4-6 movies like using actual tiny models for the ships or when luke cuts off vaders head in that dream and a very obvious dummy head rolls out the helmet

[userblaney]

that was AWFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[pancakeke]

A fun memory I have of high school was after diamond/pearl released. One teacher I had always offered extra credit if we averaged our own grades and determined the minimum score we had to get on our finals to pass the class. This happened the last day before finals when we had no homework and nothing else going on really, so we spent the whole class doing this.

Not everyone bothered to carry a calculator to non-math classes so the teacher let us use whatever devices we had on us. More than a few people pulled out DSs and used the calculator app on their poketch lmao

[weenhands]

my parents got me some money and im getting a new phone tomorrow >:] !!!

[pointsfortrying]

Continues to be fucking insane to me the state of the world

[risingsunresistance]

btw the estimated time was wrong but only by half. it took 2.5 hours for that stuff to get onto the flashdrive lol

[theyarebothgunshot]

.

[toytulini]

wish the little listicles and articles reccomending google alternatives didnt like, mention ios. like no offense but do you think i dont know what an iphone is. you think im looking into google alternatives but i dont know that apple exists? you really think that? if i was going to buy a fucking apple product id already be doing that?