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something-tofightfor · 5 years

Text

Trope Prompt: Here Comes the Sun

Pairing: Logan Delos x Reader

Word Count: 7100 (IM SORRY OK, I COULDN’T STOP)

Rating: M (Language, mention of sex, mentions of substance abuse/drinking, failed relationships, lil bit of zest)

Trope: #18 - Strangers getting into a shitty situation together

Author’s Note: This is fun, this is fluffy, a little angsty and kinda sorta AU ... or is it? Dont wanna spoil the pairing before the story even begins, so have fun. Finished this at almost 5 am, so dont kill me because it ends a little... abruptly. I was badgered by @the-blind-assassin-12 to post this tonight... so here you go.

Summary: Two strangers meet at the airport while trying to fly off of an island to beat an oncoming hurricane... things happen.

Tag List: @banditthewriter @breanime @obscurilicious @padfootagain @madamrogersstorytelling @ooo-barff-ooo @agent-bossypants @suchatinyinfinity @chibiyanai @songtoyou @ethereal-heavcns @editboutique @marauderskeeper @drinix @ilkaeliseb @delicatelilyflower @king4thesirens @likethetailofacomet @blah-blah-fuckit-shit @ymariejp @mr-robot-x @rageshots @shinebrightlikeafanbase @littlemermaidprobz @jovialyouthmusic @zaffrenotes @introvertedlibrary @writing-for-a-chance @yesixoxo @ilikebeachessushiandsmallanimals @likeorions @swiftyhowlz @dylanobrusso @luminex3 @malik-payne @lexxierave @lynne1993 @elanor-of-imladris @bucky-is-my-precious @traeumerinwitzhelden @mfackenthal @weallhaveadestiny @ladyblablabla @sweetybuzz25 @dreamwritesimagines @thesumofmychoices @audreychaz @tc-elliot @dreams-with-thoughts @kind-wolf

“What do you mean the flight is overbooked?” He ran his hands along the edge of the counter, tapping a long finger on his driver’s license, which the airline agent had set back in front of him. “I have a ticket on this flight, and -” Do you know who I am?

“Sir, I understand, but with the incoming storm, we’re trying to get as many people out as possible, and your seat is one of the more recently booked, so -” Yes. That’s why I’m trying to leave. The hurricane.

“I need to be on that plane, you don’t understand.” He sighed, the sound carrying. “I’ll pay extra, I don’t care, just -” Give me my boarding pass back and let me on.

“Sir, we’re willing to offer you a substantial credit toward a future flight if you’re willing to give up your seat.” She smiled at him, a sickeningly sweet expression that just barely hid her annoyance. “You giving up your seat will allow a family to take the flight instead.” He opened his mouth to speak again when a female voice from his right interrupted.

“Come on now.” He turned toward the sound, mouth still open. “You’re really gonna be the guy that makes one parent stay behind and the other one wrangle all of the kids?” The woman speaking was young - maybe his age, skin sun-kissed and hair arranged in a messy ponytail. She had a duffel bag slung over one shoulder, and despite his frustration, he found himself closing his mouth and just staring. “That’s not fun.” She turned to the counter agent, a lopsided smile on her face. “How many seats were overbooked?” Look at you, Miss Do-Right.

“We need about six people to stay back and wait for another outgoing flight, ma’am.” The agent offered another smile - this one more genuine - and the woman grinned, nodding and giving her name.

“I’ll be more than willing to stay back, I can’t say no to another few hours here.” Great, now I’ll look like an asshole unless… The agent thanked the girl profusely and took her driver’s license, making a note of the information on it. When she was done, the woman turned to face him, eyes sparkling. “How about it? Let some family get off the island and stay here and wait with me?” She winked at him, and her next words came out in a tone that was just the right side of condescending for him - he was fully intrigued. “I’ll even buy you a drink while we wait?” Fine. What’s it going to take, a few hours to get another plane?

“Alright, fine.” He turned to the agent and thrust his license back at her. “Here.” Next to him, the woman laughed under her breath, shaking her head back and forth. After getting his license back and tucking it into his wallet which went into the back pocket of his shorts, he turned to face the young woman. Taking a deep breath and reminding himself to be friendly, he extended his hand as he stepped away from the counter. “Hi. My name’s Logan Delos. Nice to meet you.”

---

You’d bought Logan his first drink as promised, the two of you sitting at a high top table in the closest restaurant in the airport. He’d found out a great deal about you in a short amount of time, and had gradually relaxed as the conversation progressed. You were in Nassau for a friend’s wedding, one of those “destination” affairs that he was more than familiar with, and most of your friends had left the previous day. You lived in Indianapolis, but were in the process of moving to California for your job, were 28, and you had always wanted to experience a hurricane first-hand. “It’s a midwest thing,” you’d said with a shrug of your shoulders as you sipped your drink through a straw. “I’m kind of landlocked, and the idea of seeing something like that - powerful and unpredictable… it’s just exciting.” Your eyes flicked to the windows as you spoke, watching the sky darken.

If he was being honest with himself, there were a lot of things about you that he found exciting, but he kept quiet, answering your questions patiently - “Bachelor party for my sister’s second husband, stayed an extra few days to enjoy the beach and the rum, California” - and enjoying the fact that you had no idea who he was - until he opened his mouth after you asked what he did for a living. “I’m CEO of Delos Inc.” He bit his tongue, trying not to frown. Shit. “We’re in technology, information.” Sex robots, mostly. Logan shrugged, finishing his drink, his eyes going back to the bar. “Want another one while we wait?” He flashed his most winning smile - one that he knew knocked women out, but you only nodded, reaching up with a hand to swipe at a drop of liquid on your lip.

“Sure, Logan. That’d be great.” He left the table, ordered a second round at the bar while thinking about how much better the rum would taste off of your lips, and was back just as you tucked your phone into your purse, eyebrows raised and teeth digging into your lower lip.

“What’s that look for?” You cleared your throat, reaching out for your drink and letting your fingers brush against his, something Logan didn’t overlook. “What?”

“They’re closing the airport.” You raised your glass and he groaned, sliding back into his seat. “Cheer up, Logan. I’m sure they’ll offer us rooms in a moderately priced hotel for one night to make up for it.” I’m stuck here in a hurricane and will have to sleep in a shitty hotel, too? This day just keeps getting better. “Guess next time you shouldn’t listen to the stranger in the airport when she tells you to be a good man and to think of the children.” He looked up at you, surprised to see that you had a completely blank expression on your face, your glass still in the air. Is she joking? He allowed himself another look and saw that you were biting back laughter, which caused him to roll his eyes and laugh, clinking his glass against yours as you dissolved into giggles, too.

“Guess you get to see your hurricane, hmm?” Logan took a drink, raising an eyebrow. “Shit. How long do these things usually last?” You shrugged, pulling your phone back out and pulling up the weather app. It had already started raining, but the bulk of the storm - a category 3 - was still hours away, according to the map. “So… who knows.” You sighed, putting your head down onto the table and letting your phone clatter out of your hand. “What?”

“Logan.” You peeked up at him, one eye visible above your arm. “Our luggage is on the plane that took off 45 minutes ago.” Shit. His face must have given him away because you sat straight up, a smile on your lips. “Looks like I didn’t think this through.” He shook his head, and the two of you finished your drinks quickly before standing to head back to your previous gate to find out what you were going to have to do. “Hey.” You spoke softly, reaching out to touch his elbow, fingers closing around it and squeezing gently. “I’m sorry.” He shook his head, looking down at you and cocking his head to the side. “I shouldn’t have spoken up like I did, you could have been on that plane, and -”

“It’s fine.” Logan shrugged, surprised to find that he wasn’t angry; in fact, he was actually kind of excited. He was used to the predictable - used to things happening on a script, and this was… a nice change of pace after almost two years of the mundane. “You know, hurricanes are really rare on the west coast, too.” He reached up and ran a hand through his hair, his eyes moving away from you and toward the windows, which overlooked the runways. “So it looks like we’re both in for an interesting few days.”

---

The airline had sent Logan, you and about fifteen other people that were also waiting for flights to a nearby hotel via shuttle, but the property had turned you away because they were already full. The second property had only had enough room for a little more than half of the people on the shuttle and at that point, Logan had had enough. As you went to get back onto the vehicle, Logan poked his head in, asking the driver which hotel he was heading to (just in case) and then grabbed your arm. “Wait a minute.”

He pulled you back inside and unlocked his phone, quickly typing. “What are you doing, Logan?” He shook his head, dialing a number and raising the phone to his ear, waiting. When someone picked up on the other end, Logan cleared his throat.

“Hello, my name is Logan Delos. I just checked out of your resort this morning.” He listened for a moment. “Yes. That’s me. That Delos.” He nodded. “My flight was overbooked because of the storm, and the hotels that the airport is trying to send me to are all full, so I’m wondering...” He was quiet for a minute, rolling his neck out while he held the phone to his ear. “Yes, of course, I understand that you’re trying to keep people on the lower levels as much as possible.” You were watching him with a smile on your face, the nail of your thumb in your mouth, and Logan couldn’t help but look you over, eyes lingering on your cheekbones, on the way that your tanned skin seemed to glow, even in the artificial light of the lobby. Keep it together, Delos. You don’t know her. “Great. Are there two rooms?” Your eyes widened and you shook your head no, but Logan held up a hand. “Yeah. That’s fine. I’ll need both.”

When he hung up his phone, sliding it back into his pocket, you stepped forward, eyes wide. “Logan, I don’t… I can’t afford multiple nights in a resort, I just -” He laughed, shaking his head.

“Please.” He waved one hand, shaking his head. “They’re going to comp me the rooms anyway, the publicity of me staying there is more than worth it.” He grinned again. “Besides, you got me into this mess, I’m going to stick close by to annoy you until it’s over.” You were frowning, and before he could stop himself, Logan reached out, touching your shoulder. “It’s really not a big deal. I promise.” Who are you and what have you done with Logan Delos? You thought for a few seconds and then nodded, smiling gratefully at him.

“You must really be a bigshot, Logan.” You could say that. “They were that willing to accommodate you… damn.” That means she didn’t look me up… huh. “Should we get a cab or something?” He shook himself to focus and then cleared his throat, walking to the cab stand just outside the hotel doors. A car arrived quickly, and when Logan told them where he needed to go - The Cove at Atlantis - he watched you freeze in your seat. Weird. Logan tried to talk with you on the ride over, which was about 20 minutes long, but you spoke in short sentences, eyes staring out the window, even as the coral pink towers came into view.

Logan grabbed his carry on and you got your duffel out of the trunk, thrusting cash into the hands of the cabbie before he could stop you, but you only stood still, staring up at the tall towers as the rain fell. “Hey, you OK?” You didn’t acknowledge him, so he reached out again, touching your shoulder, which caused you to jump, wide eyes landing on him again. “You alright? We should get out of the rain.” You nodded, quickly walking beneath the overhang and turning to the left. She knows where the concierge desk is… You stood next to Logan as he spoke to the clerk and signed for both of the rooms. You didn’t hesitate when taking the key card that he handed to you, but he noticed that your eyes were moving around the room, lingering on the water fixture along the back wall, on the picturesque view - even in the rain - visible through the glass behind the desk.

The rooms were on the 10th floor, which surprised Logan, but he figured that the staff knew what they were doing, and so he thanked the employees and turned away, watching your back again as you led him to the elevator bank. You didn’t pass another person the entire way to the elevators, and Logan saw that through the windows of the buffet, the tables were abandoned. Everyone left, I’ve never seen this place so empty. The elevator ride up was quiet too, and Logan wanted to ask- wanted to know what was bothering you, but chose to stay quiet, simply watching you as you leaned back against the opposite wall of the elevator, arms crossed over your chest protectively.

You arrived at the assigned floor and Logan allowed you to exit the elevator first, but instead of walking toward the rooms, you turned to the right, walking over to the window overlooking the water that was meant to let natural light into the elevator lobby. That day, it was only providing a view of an angry ocean, of the low clouds and the wind whipping the palm trees around. Though it was only 5 PM, the darkness made it seem much later and the property’s lights had already come on. “Have you been here before?” Logan finally spoke, unable to keep quiet. “You know where you’re going and -”

“Yeah.” You spoke, shaking your head and resting your fingertips on the glass. “I’ve been here before. Stayed in The Cove once, too.” You turned to face him, and Logan was surprised to see that your eyes were bright with unshed tears. “Goddammit.” You laughed, shaking your head and using a thumb to swipe at one eye. “I’m sorry.” You took a breath, drawing yourself up to your full height and shaking your head. “I’m so sorry, Logan. Thank you for this. Thank you for making sure that I had a place to stay in this storm.” You walked by him toward the hallway, checking your room number and turning in the right direction. His room was across the hall from yours, and Logan stopped as you did, inserting the key into the electronic lock and turning back to face you. “Thank you, Logan. Seriously.” You smiled at him, and Logan was struck by how young it made you look, how much the expression changed your face, even though it wasn’t entirely sincere. “I promise I won’t charge anything to the room.”

You stepped into your room and Logan did the same into his, turning around at the last second and saying your name. “Hey.” You paused, looking over your shoulder at him. “I’m right across the hall, OK?” Though you looked surprised, you nodded at him after a few seconds, smiling again - and that smile was real. The door shut behind you and then Logan entered his room fully, flipping on the lightswitch and throwing his bag down onto the shelf between the bed and the sitting area before taking his shoes off. He pulled the blinds open, looking out at the water - he had a view that was similar to that from the elevators, meaning that you got the open ocean and the rest of the resort to look at. Good. He settled down onto the bed, flipping the TV on and finding coverage of the looming storm. Gotta figure out what we’ll be dealing with.

---

A few hours later, Logan was jolted awake by a knock on his door. I fell asleep. Damn. The first thing he noticed was that the TV was off. The second thing he noticed was that the light was off. Did the resort… did we lose power? He reached for his phone, pressing the button to light the screen and was relieved to see that he had a full charge, but no network connection. Before he could dwell on that, there was another knock on the door and he heard a female voice calling out his name. What? When he opened the door, he saw you standing there, your purse over your shoulder, a paper bag in one hand and a plastic bag over the other arm. “Hi.” The only lighting came from the emergency exit signs in the hallway, but Logan still saw the sadness on your face. “I’m locked out of my room.” Shit.

“What happened?” He opened the door fully, inviting you in, and you stepped past him, thanking him. “Why were you in the hallway?” You pulled the chair away from the desk near the bed, sitting down. Logan walked over and sat down on the edge of the bed, flipping his phone backward and turning the flashlight on low before he handed it to you and you set it on the table in front of you.

“I went over to the main building, because the sundries place here was closed… and I wanted a bottle of rum.” You licked your lips and Logan for the first time saw that your hair was down and around your shoulders - and it was wet. “So I went there, and bought that and some food, and then came back… and as I was walking down the hallway, the power went out.” She could have been in the elevator, Jesus. “So… I stuck my key in the slot and it didn’t do anything, and... “ You shrugged. “So I’m here, and… yeah.”

“You’re more than welcome to stay here.” Logan shook his head, running his fingers through his hair, trying to smooth it down. “I’m glad you weren’t in the elevator when the power went out, that would have been…” He watched you shudder, pulling a glass bottle from the paper bag. “Want to have a drink?” You nodded and Logan stood, moving into the bathroom and grabbing two glasses. “No ice, but…” You shrugged and he heard the noise of the seal on the bottle breaking, the “click” loud in the otherwise silent room. “Want a mixer?” Logan grinned, setting the glasses down in front of you. “Best part of no power is that the mini bar is fair game.”

You laughed at that and Logan was struck by the sound, something that he wouldn’t have noticed a few short years before - and if he had, it wouldn’t have meant anything. He handed you a can of Coke, quickly shutting the refrigerator door again to preserve the temperature and you busied yourself pouring drinks by the light of his phone. That’s… a drink. Each glass contained at least two shots of the rum, and you topped them off with the Coke before using your finger to stir one of the glasses. “Shit.” You gimaced, shaking your head. “I didn’t even think… here, you can mix yours.” He leaned forward, picking up the glass that you’d had your finger in without second thought, surprised to hear you let out a soft “oh” as he did. “Logan, it -”

“It’s fine, believe me.” You stuck your finger into the remaining glass, swirling it around and then without pause, popped it into your mouth, sucking it dry. Oh, holy hell. Logan swallowed, watching you, watching the shadows on your face, watching the way that your lips looked around your finger and wondered what they’d look like wrapped around something else, wondered what they’d feel like against his… Stop. Something’s obviously bothering her, it’s not the right time. “So.” He shifted on the bed, taking a drink from the glass. “We’re going to be here a while. I’m sure we could call the front desk, or go down there… but…”

“I really, really don’t want to walk down 10 flights of stairs, Logan.” You shook your head, taking a long drink. “I’m perfectly content to sit here and drink and then fall asleep on that couch down by the balcony.” You won’t be sleeping on that couch, I will. “If… that’s OK with you, that is.” You smiled at him hopefully, and Logan nodded his head. “Thank you.” You held your glass out to him, looking directly into his eyes. “To the storm.” He clinked glasses with you and you both drank, Logan tearing his eyes away from you as he tilted his head back. “You should turn your light off, Logan. You’ll waste the battery.”

“It’s fine, I’ve got a power brick.” Logan gestured toward his bag. “One of the good ones - multiple charges, too.” You laughed again, and Logan was struck by how relaxed you sounded, as if the minutes spent with him were taking your mind off of whatever it was that was bothering you. You were both silent for a while and Logan watched as you turned your head toward the window where the rain was falling harder, whipped against the glass by the wind. “Hey, I didn’t even think to ask before, do you need a towel? Your hair is wet and…” He looked at you again and noticed that you were now wearing a hooded sweatshirt.

“I’m fine, thanks for asking though.” You took a deep breath, turning in the chair to face Logan and hooking an elbow over the back of it, tilting your head to rest it against your shoulder. “So what should we do? We don’t know each other, and we’re stuck in this room together until the power comes back on… or until we need to leave.” Logan didn’t answer right away, deep in thought. “We could play a game?” You raised an eyebrow. “Get to know each other a little better.”

“What kind of game?” He sipped his drink, intrigued. “What do you want to know about me?” There’s so much I want to know about you, but…

“I don’t know, Logan.” He liked the way you said his name, the way it rolled off your tongue, the ‘n’ elongated just slightly. “Two truths and a lie? Never have I ever? A combination of them?” He nodded, passing you the glass again.

“That works. You can come sit on the bed with me, there’s enough room, and that way we can put the phone between us.” You nodded, and Logan stood, walking to the fridge and grabbing two more cans. Once he settled onto the bed, crossing his long legs beneath him and scooting backwards near the headboard, he watched you climb in, too adopting the same position as him and settling your glass against your legs. “You first or me?” You shrugged. “Alright, I’ll go.” He thought for a minute. “Ok. So. One: I only have one sibling, and she’s two years older than me. Two: I almost lost my company, but was able to get it back. Three: This is my first time in the Bahamas.” He watched as you narrowed your eyes, thinking.

“Hmm.” You tapped a finger against the rim of your glass. “I’m going to guess that the lie is that you’ve never been to the Bahamas before.” He grinned, lifting his glass and sipping from it. “Gotcha!” You thought for a minute, eyes widening. “Alright, Logan. I lived in Europe for two years. I’m allergic to shellfish. I have two dogs.” Logan watched your face as you spoke, looking for the signs that you were lying, and decided to go with his gut.

“You’re not allergic to shellfish.” You paused for a minute, eyes locked on his and then raised the glass, a gleam in your eye. “Ha! I knew it!” The game continued for almost an hour, and though both of you had some luck, you were more often wrong than right… but you were having a good time. You’d reached out a few times, placing a hand on Logan’s knee, leaning in and again locking eyes with him as you spoke, trying to throw him off...and though Logan had plenty of experience charming women, getting them to look at him in a certain way, to desire him, he held back with you. It would feel wrong. I can’t do that. You’d taken a short break in the middle of the game, sharing the food you’d brought from the main restaurant - a sandwich and chips - along with a chocolate bar from the mini fridge.

As you played, Logan had noticed that when you refilled your glass, you were putting less rum in it each time. He followed suit, understanding that while you were having a good time, you were being cautious. “Hold on, Logan. I have to use the bathroom.” You smiled at him, handing him your glass and uncrossing your legs and turning around, reaching for your purse. “Be right back.” As you pressed the flashlight on your phone and pointed it ahead of you, Logan noticed that you were walking perfectly straight, your words not slurred at all. She’s still sober. I appreciate that. When you emerged from the room, Logan noticed that you’d taken the hoodie off, and he watched as you laid it out over the back of the chair before climbing back into the bed. “Wanna continue?” I want to kiss you, is what I want to do. But he simply nodded, lips twisting into a smile as you took the glass from his hand when he offered it. “OK. Never have I ever… owned a business.”

“That’s how we’re going to play?” He laughed, shaking his head and taking a drink. “Fine. Never have I ever convinced a stranger to wait out a hurricane in a foreign country by shaming them.” You snorted, drinking.

“Never have I ever hooked up with someone of the same sex.” Oh. This could get interesting. Logan took a breath and lifted the glass to his lips, watching as your eyes widened in surprise, but you nodded your head at him. “Wasn’t expecting that, but I’m … not surprised.” What does that mean?

He grinned. “Never have I ever moved across the country for a job.” You laughed again, taking another drink. This game is going to end really quickly.

“Never have I ever lived in a foreign country.” Logan shook his head, and you swore under your breath, taking another small sip of your drink. You traded queries back and forth for a while, finding even more common ground, and Logan finally decided to dig a little deeper, wanting to know more about your personal life.

“Never have I ever…” He glanced down at your lap where your hands were. “... Been engaged.” you froze on the bed, lips pressing together before you raised the glass to your lips again, draining what was left of it. Shit, is she engaged now?

“I think I’m done playing, Logan.” Your voice was quiet and you shook your head. “I’m sorry, but-”

“No, I’m sorry. I should have just asked.” His speech was rushed and Logan set his glass down on the bedside table, shaking his head. “Of course you’re with someone, it’s stupid to think that you’re single, I’m sorry that I …” He stopped as he heard you laugh, a harsh sound, and his eyes snapped back to your face. Shit, she’s crying again.

“I’m not engaged, Logan.” You shook your head, reaching up and pulling your hair back and off of your shoulders, securing it with a clip after twisting it into a loose bun. “I… I was.” You swallowed. “It didn’t work out.”

“I’m sorry.” The words were the first thing he thought of and they tumbled from his lips without pause. “I didn’t know, I shouldn’t have-”

“Can I get a water?” You motioned to the fridge and Logan nodded. “Do you want one?” He nodded again and you leaned over, opening the door and grabbing two bottles before handing him one. “Do you really want to hear this story?” You’d scooted closer to him so that your knees were almost touching his and Logan nodded eagerly, waiting. I want to know. I want to know you. “Alright.” You took a long swallow of water, turning your head toward the balcony for a moment, watching a bolt of lightning out over the ocean. Storm’s not even fully here yet… damn. “I was engaged. I dated a guy for a while after college, and we lived together - bought a house, got a dog… all that.” He nodded, silent. “We were… happy. Content - at least I thought we were.” You shrugged. “He brought me here, to Atlantis, to The Cove, and proposed to me - right out there on the beach.” You pointed toward the window. “It was perfect, my dream vacation. The ocean and the sand and someone that loved me.”

“What happened?” Logan didn’t want to interrupt, but wanted to let you know that he was listening, that he wasn’t zoning out. “You’re not wearing a ring, so I’m guessing it didn’t work out, and the reaction to me making the comment wasn’t…”

“He left me.” Oof. “We were planning the wedding and I went to try on dresses and when I got home, he was gone... “ You stopped, shaking your head and he watched your lip curl before you spoke again. “Turns out that he was sleeping with the neighbor the whole time and he only proposed to me to throw me off. He never had any intention of marrying me, and just decided to leave.” You rolled your eyes, looking at Logan. “Didn’t go very far though, they lived next door to me for six months before I was able to sell the house and get the fuck out of there.” What a prick. “So, yes, Logan. I’ve been engaged, but no, Logan, I’m not engaged anymore.”

“He did you a favor.” Logan shook his head, reaching out before he could stop himself and taking your hand in his, fingers wrapping around yours. “He was a coward, but he did you a favor.” You took a deep breath, eyes going down to where your hand was encased in his. “I’ve done some shitty things in my past, but I’ve never been unfaithful.” Hard to be unfaithful when you don’t have anything more than hookups.

“You’ve got quite the reputation, Logan Delos.” Though he liked hearing you say his name, your words caused him to pull his hand away, sitting up straight. “After we got here, I looked you up.” You shrugged. “Sorry.”

“What did you find?” You laughed, shaking your head and putting a hand up to the back of your neck. “What?” His tone was sharp, and he couldn’t help it. “You look me up for a reason, or?”

“I just wanted to know more about the guy that offered to pay for a room like this for me after knowing me for two hours, Logan.” You snapped right back at him, eyes on his face. “I wanted to know if you did it because you were being nice, or because you expected something from me.” You paused and Logan heard the wind whipping against the building. “And you know what? The Logan from a few years ago might have. You’ve had a lot of bad things happen in you life, Logan.” You were speaking softly and he looked back at you, turning his head slowly. “I read about the womanizing. I read about the issues with substances.” You shook your head. “I read about what happened between you and William in Westworld, the trial… I read about how your sister divorced him and took your side.” Shit, how long were you looking? “I read about how hard you worked, Logan, to get your company back before your dad died, since he’s just getting sicker.” You smiled at him again, reaching out to touch his knee, the contact sending a jolt up his leg and straight to his groin. No. Not now. “You turned your life around, Logan. You’ve… reinvented yourself,and you’re not the same person you were a few years ago, unless you’re just an incredible liar.”

“I haven’t touched anything harder than liquor in two and a half years.” Logan paused. “No, that’s not true. I relapsed once, but it’s been a long time, at least two years. And you don’t know me at all, but I never lie. Ever.” You nodded, still touching his leg, and Logan allowed himself to reach out, his hand going over yours. “Sometimes you just realize that you can’t let the bullshit in your life control you, you know?” You agreed. “I wanted to make my dad proud, and even if I couldn’t make up for all of the shit that I did before, I realized that I had to stop making excuses. No one else was gonna do it for me, and… the Delos name means something to me.” He shrugged, surprised to feel you turn your hand over beneath his, fingers curling around his palm. “I wanted it to mean something in the future, too. It was time to grow up.”

“I get it, Logan.” He looked back at you, watching as you lowered your head, eyes on the blankets beneath your body. “I wanted to tell you earlier that I looked, but we were having fun and it didn’t come up, and…” You suddenly sat up, and he watched as you reached out, turning your own flashlight on as bright as it went. “Logan, look at me.” He did, unsure of what you were about to say. “I don’t want anything from you.” You shook your head. “I’m not… I wasn’t trying to find out things about you for... “

“You’re trying to tell me that you’re not using me.” You nodded, blowing a breath out. “Did you really not know who I was in the airport?”

“No. I had no idea. I’d never even heard of Delos before today - I mean, I knew Westworld, but I’ve never been and never will go, it’s crazy expensive… but I honestly had no idea who you were, I just spoke up without even thinking.” You sighed. “This is a shitty situation, right? But I thought that maybe instead of going back home on the flight, I’d get to spend some extra time here… maybe with someone interesting.” You laughed, but it was a different sound than before and it made Logan sad to hear it. “I never thought the airport would close, Logan. I just thought if I made a comment like I did to you, I’d have someone to hang out with in the airport while I waited.” With a shake of your head, you continued. “It was stupid, I’m sorry.”

He was silent, staring at you for a while, thinking. “Hey.” He reached out, putting his hand on your arm as he leaned forward. “I’m not mad, don’t be sorry.” You looked back at him, a shocked expression on your face. “I’m serious. I’m glad you convinced me to stay, this is a nice change of pace for me.” He winked, which caught you off guard and Logan watched as your breath caught. “And it means I don’t have to go to board meetings for at least a few more days, so that’s always a plus, even if I’m stuck in the same pair of shorts until God knows when.” There was silence for long moments, and then Logan watched as you threw your head back, laughing. There it is.

“I don’t know how many times I’ve said this, but thank you, Logan. I probably would have ended up on the bottom floor of some crappy motel without you.”

“And now you’re here, locked out of your room and stuck in the dark with a stranger in the place where you’ve got only a bad memory of what should be the second happiest day of your life.” You didn’t speak but he saw you wince before you reached out, picking up your phone and turning your flashlight off. You then brought your eyes back to his and pointed at his phone, too. He nodded, and you picked it up, turning his flashlight off. What?

“Now, Logan… now we’re in the dark.” He felt the bed shift and watched as your outline moved down the steps and toward the glass, your back toward him. “The ocean’s so wild, Logan.” You turned to look over your shoulder at him, a curious expression on your face. “Do you think it’s too windy to go onto the balcony?” We’re ten stories up, yes. Yes, it’s too windy. “I want to go outside, Logan.” He was up and out of the bed before you’d stopped speaking, standing next to you and stopping you from opening the door. She’s going to get blown around by the wind. “Logan, let me…”

“Hey.” Your hand was stretched out and he could feel your arm against his body, feel your fingers flexing beneath his. “Come on, think about this.” You looked up at him, and he could barely make out the pout on your face, your lips full. “You’ve been drinking. You might not be drunk, but you’re gonna be unsteady, especially in that wind.” You opened your mouth to protest, and Logan swore under his breath. “Open the door - as wide as you want - but don’t step outside. Please.” You sighed. “We can switch places, but I just... “

“Fine.” You spoke quietly. “Fine.” He reluctantly let go of your hand, stepping back and he watched as you unlocked the door, pulling it open. The wind hit the two of your right away, and he wasn’t surprised when you stepped backward, swaying slightly on your feet. See? He felt the rain - cold, the droplets large - and took a deep breath, inhaling the scent of the ocean, the freshness of it. His eyes passed over you, looking out at where he knew the horizon to be, and almost missed you taking a step forward, your foot coming down on the slick concrete surface of the balcony.

“Hey, stop!” He reached out automatically, stepping forward after you. One arm wound its way around your abdomen, the other hand settling on your shoulder. “You said you wouldn’t go outside.” You didn’t pull away from him, and Logan tightened his hold on you, pressing his chest against your back. After a few seconds, you leaned back into him, bringing your hand up to your own stomach, just beneath his. The two of you stood in silence for what could have been minutes, and Logan felt his heartbeat speeding up. I like this. You moved your hand, your fingers prodding at his and he lifted them slightly, letting you slip your hand beneath his larger one.

Logan wasted no time lacing his fingers with yours, closing them and squeezing. The rain and wind didn’t matter as he moved the hand from your shoulder, sliding it around your front and across your chest, fingers catching on the strap of your tank top as he stopped on your other shoulder, applying just enough pressure to let you know he was aware of what he was doing. You stood there - half inside, half outside, his arms around you - and Logan felt you sigh, felt your head hit his shoulder, face turning inward slightly. He lowered his chin, resting it on the top of your head and tightened his hold on you, feeling your right hand coming up to squeeze his forearm. “Logan?” He could barely hear you over the sound of the wind, but hummed quietly, knowing you could feel it. “This is nice.”

He had to laugh - it was absurd. He’d met you not even ten hours before and there you were, standing in the balcony doorway of a suite in a hotel resort - the only light coming from the bolts of lightning over the ocean and the emergency property lights - arms around each other, slowly getting drenched. You turned in his arms without warning and Logan reluctantly let go of your hand but didn’t drop the arm from your shoulders, waiting. What are you doing? You took a breath, raising a hand and touching the side of his face, your fingers tracing the path of the raindrops as they ran down his cheeks and disappeared into his beard. He took a step backward, bringing you fully into the hotel room but didn’t reach out to shut the door, instead putting his free hand on the small of your back, holding you close. “Hey.”

Logan didn’t recognize his own voice - it was strained, his heart thumping behind his ribs, but you smiled, the expression genuine, and he watched in the dim light as your gaze moved from his eyes down to his lips and then back up, the look in them almost unreadable. “Logan I want to k-” He didn’t let you finish, ducking his head and pressing his lips to yours, pulling away before too long, before he let himself get carried away. Holy shit, holy shit. What are you doing, Logan? You stared up at him, lips parted slightly and then moved your hand back and away from his cheek, fingers tangling in his damp hair and somehow finding the spot that drove him wild, the one right behind his ear. “That wasn’t a kiss, Logan. I know you can do better.”

A challenge? I like it. Logan chuckled, allowing you to pull his face back to yours, and even as his tongue slipped past your lips and into your mouth for the first time, he was groping behind you, pulling the door all the way shut. When it clicked closed, Logan returned his hand to your waist, placing it on your hip and pushing you backwards so that he had you pinned between the smooth surface of the glass and his body. As you bit down on his lip, your hand sneaking beneath the hem of his shirt and against the skin of his back, Logan groaned, rocking his hips against you. Your fingers flexed at the movement and he felt your nails digging into his skin, which caused him to pant out your name, one palm flat against the glass above your head. I hope we’re stuck here for days.

---

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missjackil · 6 years

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My Diary to the SPN Finale

Day 4.

I overslept my alarm and was almost late for work. Normally. I have a terrible time staying asleep. Most of you who message me know Im up at 4am sometimes. My life is very stressful so its very hard to sleep, so when I wake up at 4am I always put the boys on, watch one or 2 episodes and go back to sleep/ Last night and the night before however, I slept straight through and past my alarm. “This is great!” one may think, but I spent all day exhausted anyway. What I think is happening, is that even though my body is too tense to rest, it knows to spend an hour or 2 with the boy's won't help.

I went to work, forgot what I was doing a bunch of times, and forgot how to do some things I've done a bunch of times. I have to make up excuses, I can't say “My fav show is ending and I'm devastated” or people will think I'm nuts.

At work, all I want to do is come home. But at home, my kids are breaking my heart, my pets are making me insane, and my house is falling apart, and my “security blanket” now feels like jagged sandpaper on my heart.

I'm not a drug user, nor much of a drinker (socially at best) but how stupid is it, that now I want to do both? Im actually jealous now of those who can drink or pop enough pills to be numb. My vice is smoking. Yesterday I lit a smoke when I left work and a customer said “That shit will kill you” and I answered “I sure hope so” Im going to give you all a little background history of me, Its ok if you stop reading now, but follow along if you dare😳

Im 52 and have had clinical depression my entire life. At the very least since I was 4. I dont know how it started but its been there as long as I can remember. needless to say my childhood sucked. Anything that could go wrong did. Im terminally single, unattractive, and perpetually poor even though Ive gone to college twice and have 3 degrees. Ive had 4 failed suicide attempts, my first was when I was 12 and ate 30 +\- asprin which only gave me bleeding ulcers and liver damage and 2 years of therapy that was worthless.

In Jan 2014, my life changed. I came into a good sized inheritance from an uncle who was a retired Army Sgt (mujch more about that I dont know other than he fought in Korea) and was left $50,000. (as were each of my sisters) I didnt go nuts and spend this right away, my daughter, father, and I were living in a decent apartment and was saving it for a down payment on a house. My sisters all used their money to pay off their mortgages and other bills. I was looking for a nice house to buy, but even with $50K I wasnt sure I could handle the property taxes and utilities that had been previously covered by my landlord. My father decided that stairs were no longer something he could handle, so he moved in with my younger sister, so decided that I would just pay a lot of up front rent on our apt and stay there a few more years, but no, the landlord informed us they were selling in 3 months and there was no guarentee the buyer would want to rent out our unit.

Then my car died, which was what was getting my daughter and I back and forth to work. Now I have to dip into the money and get a car. I got a $7000 used car that we shared and as soon as the warrenty was up, everything failed. After spending $2000 for repairs and it was still falling apart, I get another one... cheaper this time, but hey, it runs.

Time goes by, we have 30 days to move out, as predicted, the buyer didnt want to rent our unit out, he wanted to move his mother in. So now Im scrambling to find something to move into in 30 days I find a trailer that seemed like it would be a good fit for just me and my dauhter, lots of room, 2 bathroom a nice yard. Im just about to buy said trailer and the park informs me its been sold because a buyer offered cash. Im like “Ummm I have cash too!” and theyre like “oh.... we were unaware.... but hey we have another one for you” and this one is much smaller, but a newer model so it wont need as much work. With 2 weeks left to move, I reluctantly take it. Now, we move, but with no one and I mean absolutely NO ONE to help us, we left 90% of our belongings in our old apartment because we cant lift shit and neither of us could rent a truck, we only brought what we could carry out. and I had to spend the rest of the money on furnature. Of course I lost my security deposit and also had to pay an additional $2000 for “clean up” of my old apt.

Fast forward to March 1 2015, Im back to broke but still working my ass off. My dryer is broke, my AC and heater, the back door has been leaking quietly for so long you cant step within 2 feet from it or youll go through the floor. Theres a crack in my bathtub that has leaked under the house and is causing my back yard to slowly sink. My daughter works and together we can afford the lot ren, utilities and food. Nothing extra though. We were saving to start fixing things but trying to decided what was most important, and what was most costly. The dryer is cheapest, the leaky tub and sinkling yard is the most expensive but HAS to be done at some poijnt. I buy space heaters and wall unit ACs but that gives me $300 electric bills LOLOL. However I am introduced to SPN and these wonderful boys that I love instantly, and gives me an escape. Helps keep me sane.

We get things almost together, then suddenly, my father died from the flu Feb 1st 2018. This day was the worst day of my life, it was also the night Various and Sundary Villians aired and after all the tears with my sisters and trying to get arrange,ents made, ALL I could think of was coming home and just escaping into my boys for a while. And I did, and it was a blessing. However, within a couple months, my younger sister and I are hit with my dads bills. Hospital bills, credit cards, car payments on a H3 Hummer he bought a few months before. My older sisters didnt get hit with this because they’re his step children, just my younger sister and I do. $30,000 of debt split between my younger sister and I. I havent been able to pay on any of it because they dont give me any option for low payments. Its like “$1500 by whatevermonth 30th or we take you to court” My sister is handling it ok because her husband makes $$$ but not enough to help me too. So, right now Im just keeping my house heated and my kid and I fed and my lot rent paid. Soon my wages will be garnished and I wont have that either and it will be all on my daughter. Now, my escape, the last thing in my whole world I enjoy is ending. So yes.... Im hurting.

#SPN Finale #my diary #day 4

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somedaypast-thesunset · 7 years

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so hes essentially stopped having sex with me. physical affection is like.. few and far between. and i guess, thanks? i guess? like step up from my oshawa ex for sure - he fucked me until i left. so like, thanks? thanks for not just using me?

i tried to be more understanding like maybe this is just how he feels right now but these little things managed to add up and with his refusal for sex ... i mean, he’s not “refusing”. i dont really come on to him. the last time we did have sex it was pretty bad. like bad enough both of us admitted it was pretty bad. i thought maybe that had something to do with it.

but he started nitpicking and being rude about it. like leaving my shoes at the door - which he does everyday all day; but it’s not my house and i should be a perfect guest always and if i’m not, it’s disrespectful. he suggested that i gain weight - jokingly mind you, but not really. finally he told me to “put money aside” to pay for myself at meals with friends because it made him uncomfortable. then suggested that “instead of not going at all” i run a tab with him and keep track of everything he buys me.

i told him no thanks. i dont want a walking credit card. i never wanted that. that doesnt make my life any better at all. its more uncomfortable for me that the guy whos dick i suck makes me pay for all my meals. and i get it - he doesnt need to cover all of them. but holy fuck what kind of relationship is it that you cant even go out because your partner wont pay for your meal? your partner ho makes more money ad has more disposable income than a majority of our peers.

i just thought it was really careless to make a suggestion like this when i cannot afford to eat out. period. thats not a luxury i can have right now and u know what? THATS OKAY. holy fuck, of all the luxuries i dont need and am not going to die from; it’s that. i kept thinking it was like a keeping up th the joneses kind of thing. like i’m paying to go out to eat food not to eat food but to prove i can afford to go out and eat food to a group of people. i PREFER to live frugually. even hen i have OTHER PEOPLES MONEY i try to save and be frugal for them because i feel disgusted hen a large amount of money is wasted. ive had dozens of opportunities to spend his money hoever i wanted and continually chose the cheapest option. only recently did i start choosing take out options OVER 10$. like i was literally choosing anything under 10$ so i wouldnt be a burden while his meal ould be 20 -25$.

he tried to be friendly afterwards but i felt like it was a final straw. its never a discussion. its just hurling insults at me and completely disregarding the reason why i have suh little money. my entire being is dedicated to not being brought down by him ad people like him in the interim of hopefully making my life better. like if i cant get through this then i dont even have a hope of it being better and apparantly “this” is being shit on over and over and over again. i just.. i dont care anymore. he was really just annoying me at this point. im tired of being made to feel super poor. like no one else does this to me. i do manage to take care of myself a good portion of the time and most know where my money goes. im tired of having to give myself a pep talk to feel better about myself because hes made me question my value and worth.

last night i slept crammed against the wall. literally. and hes come to a point he feels this is appropriate because sleeping together is such a hassle for him and it just reminded me of my abusive ex. but then he decided to jack off beside me first thing in the mornig and i was done. like i guess im very hard headed but hey - i get it now. i’m nothing to you. i dont deserve anything. i dont deserve to wake up peacefully, a good morning - nothing. all i deserve is to ake up to some disgusting man jacking off beside me. i got dressed, gathered my stuff and left. i said nothing to anyone, i just left. cuz hat the fuck is the point? i felt like a little “guilty” that this would create anxiety for him but who the fuck even cares? i dot even want to have a conversation with him because i dont have conversations ith him i just listen to him. there is no back and forth, no discovery or discussion. its just me listening to him. so why fucking bother. he knows i wouldnt leave unless i was upset so the “point” is made but i have no point. i’m just done, i think? i think you know youre the most done when words are not useful anymore ad like there is nothing i want to discuss. i dont even ant to tell him what a shitty person hes been. all it leads to is guilt and pity and sticking around because he thinks hes supposed to. i want to be with someone who wants to be with me. but like that never happens. no oe ever wants to be with me. they want to be ith some other perso but i’m good enough. and it sounds very woe is me but this is the truth. ad i am an attractive nice person. i am very caring and loving and loyal. i am a great girlfriend. but no one ever wants to actually be with me. theyve always wanted someone else, someone else is always actually “the one” ad theyve either gotten away or they never got a chance and now they’re just stuck with _me_. my first “love” was already in love ith someone else but it as never going to happen (and hen he thought it as going to it didnt and he still came back to me and that is not even a bonus thats just proving my point). my second, still enamored with his ex he never fully proved cheated on him but he thought she did (but u know maybe she didnt). and all the men in between - they wanted someone else. they predictably ended up with a few of the someone elses. and right now is just repeating this scenario.

and you know, i come across these dudes and they tell ME they love ME. i would never dare utter such words to these people and give myself like that unless it was very important for me to do. like if i as a year into it and no one said shit and i felt strongly about it, then maybe i would but i dont even offer this to close friends. love is the most serious.

but they tell me they love me. and all i want is love. i dont even want necessarily to BE LOVED but i would like love to exist in my life in a very pure and geuie ay that ive witnessed with others. its not like i need love and attention from all these people. i dont need love to be validated as a person. i can be without love temporarily and move forward in life. i have less sources of love than many people ad im not actively seekig it from dozens of people. but if someone asks me what do you want? perhaps i want money and security. this ould be high on the list. but i think most of all i want love. i want to experience love. my parents did not love me. or maybe my father did but i dot think he was wholy capable of giving pure love. these are perhaps the people who should be my pillars ad theyre not ad everyoe else got to experience love - not eve sexual love. its not eve sexual. its not romantic. everyone aroud me has bee able to experience pure true love of some form and i feel like i have not. like theres nevere been a single stable source of love for any length of time in my life.

and society is tryig to fill this void with medication and money and everything else but actual love an like i guess its hard not to believe that im undeserving or incapable of feeling love or receiving love. and i think this is like a top 5 survival need. like food, water, shelter, love. maybe this is the intricate part of the human experience and we so easily cover food and water and shelter now for many people but you canot cover love. you cannot package it into a goverment subsidy and yet so may people suffering have lacked love. and this pushes them to drugs and alcohol and they suffer from depression and obesity and they eat themselves to diabetes and they let their feet rot off their legs because no matter how hard they worked, no matter all the good deeds they did; they never fully received their dues in love. they suffered ad struggled alone an family ad frieds and relatioships left them but hey - they made some money. and thank god they didt just “live on welfare”. but its like - if someone did not have food or water or shelter, you ouldnt immediately offer them a job to solve the problem. there is a immediate need that has to be filled before they can help themselves. you have to give them food so they can work. if no one cares, why the fuck should they? like you’re noteve a person you’re just “the homeless” now. and like everythng of your life is referred to as “the homeless” life now.

im surrounded by people who have been given a lot of love in their life. even though theyve become blinded to their priviledges, theyve been given so much love. they are spoiled. they cant eve see the love thats being given. i argued with a mutual fried about another; she said it was rude to say this fried ould always be there heever she needed it and not show up. i told her isnt it enough to know in your soul this person wants that so badly for you but real life dictates differetly? like the love is there. the intention is there but real life doest allow it. she couldnt see the love.

and i guess maybe some of these people are so spoiled that they dot understad the importance of something that is like breathing air to them. they probably believe i can get love elsewhere, just like they do. they are rich in love. but its the same thing - if someone tells me they love me, i actually believe they love me. well, i want to believe.

i also believe this problem is “easily” solved for women by having children. children are a constant source of love and hen they turn out not to be, it’s ground shaking. mothers dont kno how to go on. but i believe, even in solid relationships, that children come from a desire to give and receive love that is not currently in their life. maybe i dont understand a maternal instinct. perhaps maternal instinct is this. maybe its kicked in and im too logical to understand that its not that “easy”. neither are relationships, and at least your kids legally arent allowed to abandon you. but i think this is why, especially with young mothers, theyre inclined (if single) to sort of “lose focus” on their children when a new man enters. suddenly, especially ina “honey moon phase”, theyre receiving a ton of love. more love and attention than their children, of any age, can probably give them.

i have little expectations with love. i mean, i assume if you “love me” you wont be cruel or malicious. like, you wont try to harm me. thats what i expect. i dont even expect NOT to be harmed. i may be harmed. thats involved in love. you cant feel such strong things for someone and not be harmed somewhere down the line. it could be big or small; someone will eventually feel bad but then it’ll probably be okay again. however someone gives love, i try to receive it as is without shaping it to what i believe is right. love is abstract; you accept it as is but we all want to read into it and find the deeper meaning and stories and little things involved but in the end its just a very abstract concept hich encompasses a wide range of emotions and psychological things. you cant really say, “if you loved me you would do this or this”. its like you are the artist and love is your paint and the world is a canvas. you cant tell picasso how to paint. that only fits your mold. we liked picasso because of how he expressed it, how he painted it - not how you shaped his painting to your liking.

and like youre allowed to not like someones painting - someones expression of love. and some people, they suck. like they just outright suck ass they need to go back to basics and start over before they unleash anymore of their “artistry”. and some people are offensive. some people create offensive things and this thing might hurt people or make people uncomfortable. most people ask to have their “art” - their “expression of love” taken seriously. however good or bad it is, it’s theirs and this is how they see it. but its like, i dont have to buy a jackson pollock and hang it on my wall because i respect his expression. i dont have to have sex with a woman because i respect homosexuality. so you can accept, respect and walk away from someones expression. it doesnt have to be for you. you can even have the freedom to speak about your feelings of this expression for yourself but you cant dictate how someone else should feel.

i guess my situation is many of these men bought a picasso - or tried to, and for whatever reason, it’s not aroud anymore so they’ll accept a pollock in its place because i mean, he’s still “pretty good”.

but you know - at the same time, it’s okay. this isnt a unique situation. this is very much part of the human experience. everyone at some point will feel this way to some degree. i just happen to feel it really strongly right now because of my circumstances in life. its like taking shrooms and one perso is cool ad another trips badly; theyre just not in the right place in the right way to experience this thing of life. thats me right now. i wasnt prepared for this trip ad its pretty never ending. its like a really long road trip in fear ad loathing but its like 10 years of sitting ith johny depp and youve foud out he beats his ife and is a severe alcoholic and its just... overwhelming.

so i dont know. i need to really accept and take this knowledge seriously. im proud that i just left because ive stayed too many times. i thought about it an had my guilt and ould stay for my shitty ride home and get my “daily kiss” and its just like.. i no longer hate myself this much. i can do better than this scenario. its not even a personal insult to him - his personality is cool. as a human, great. but the scenario we have created - WE, okay. not him. this is a joint effort where i allowed someone to treat me like this with full knowledge that it was bullshit. no one held me hostage and it wast like i just became a personal slave to him. but its like, i even explained it with drugs. once you allow yourself to normalize gross things, its not hard to become a junkie. like if you decide smoking crack or injecting drugs is the worst shit but suddenly you’ll smoke meth and you’ll inject a “safe” drug like k but “not heroin”. this is the “gateway effect”. so we normalized this really shitty behavior ad made it easy for him to fall into habits of doing things others would (and have) walked away from.

you know, i hate that he makes future plans and none of them involve me. ever. but he tells me he loves me. and its like, i dont even have anxiety about whether or not ill see him today. i kind of hope i dont. i think itll be easy to assume im upset he “wont buy me food anymore”. but i really just.. we are on two different planets. equally confused by each others wants and needs. i dont eve want a conversation because if someone doesnt have the desire to be affectionate with me why bother asking.

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somedaypast-thesunset · 7 years

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i feel neutrally tired about all of this. you know, i’m not angry or sad or stressed, i’m just kind of tired of this whole routine. it’s become glaringly obvious that this man is very very spoiled and ungrateful.

yesterday was a fine day. he took me to the farm to get a pumpkin like i asked. he bought me food and was overall really nice and in a good mood - he was focused on pei and the things he would do or need for his trip. i felt comfortable and relaxed despite not even having weed and not having much sleep.

this morning when we woke up, we had sex and i went about my morning - made a tea, had a smoke and he had a shower. he asked his mother for the survey plans for their cottage in pei so he knew what to prepare for when he wanted to build this garage (the whole 6 month master plan’s goal). she said she would have to look. this set off a chain reaction - he went to look for a crock pot the family owned but he had never used ad couldnt find it immediately, when his mother offered cookig advice he freaked out ad then when she asked him about a few set of chores he was supposed to do, he freaked out again.

at this point i had literally spoken no words from when we had sex. i was just passively floatig throughout the house, gathering my things just to be organized. i went to look at what he was actually making and he said something like “i’m going to drive you home after this i want to do my own thing and i dont want to be around you”. to be fair, he couldve said “people” - i’m ot entirely sure what i heard but it more likely sounded like you. i simply turned around, got my bag from downstairs, got my stuff from outside and walked home. i did not even reply or say goodbye - theres not even a point. like i would get either some argument about how he said he would drive me home or a grunt goodbye; both still equally rude replies.

but i was kind of proud of how i reacted very immediately and without hesistation. i didt think like ~what would he want or ~whats appropriate to do. i just did what i wanted to do which was leave. it wasnt like oh i think id like to sped the day alone, do you wat a ride home - it was just ‘fuck off’ without being ‘fuck off’. and i don’t deserve that.

on top of this, during sex he asked outright if anyone else has touched me. not like ~oh no one else ca touch you or ~would you let anyone touch you - just outright ‘have you let anyone’ and its not a light thing. its not joking. if i said yes it would hurt and we’d probably stop. but the parameters he stil puts forth is that he “cant” cheat. but what about me? and why am i used like this? i literally spoke _no words_.

its very unhealthy. and i dont believe its about me. i’m glad ive come so far in personal relationships that i am able to seperate myself from them and not take things personally.and like i do feel “used” but its not like this is the absolute worst part of it. he said to me, “you havent been around long enough - this is what i do, im excited about something until im not and then i drop everything and go to the next thing” -- as if i havet been witnessing this the entire time weve been together. its all one exciting thing to the next and nothig is ever what its hoped to be.

and hes very negative. which i guess is a bit ironic coming from me. but everything - everything sucks. and like to its greatest pit of whatever terrible thing it could have. you know - “king of the losers”. acknowledging that “i’m” okay but its really just being on top of a pile of shit.

its just.. its getting too hard to remain optimistic about a future with him. whatever my life is doesnt affect him nearly as much as his does me. my whole life is built around being available to him and i was okay with this becuse it was like “investing” in a future i wanted to have. or i do want to have. i want a partner. some “family”. but i just dont feel optimistic like this is going to lead to idyllic happiness. not the way he sees it. and why should i spend my time following such a volatile perso who is unable to commit to anything. i guess it was easy to walk away because i thought like - what if i was across the country? what if i coulnt just walk away from this rude person and i was _stuck_? i dont want that and i guess if i dont want that, i dont want him. i’m just... too scared to live with him. like i want to live with him. i reall really do but everything in my being says omg no. no no no no. anyone i told that this was a thing would tell me absolutely do not move across the country with this person. its not like.. dont change. dont live somewhere else. its that this particular person is very ... not the right person to do this with. maybe i need to be a ifferent person too. maybe i need to be a very strong indpendent individual who works super hard and hustles lots of cash an then its all just fun and games and wooo life. but i cannot be dependent on this person. they are not dependable in any way shape or form. they are a fucking prayer. and in order for me to make such huge changes in life i would be very dependent on this person. especially right now. maybe in two years ill be a better version of me but the me right now would need a lot of hand holding an encouragement to make such drastic life changes and decisions.

if it was plausible to just get a nice apartment in this city together - great. thank you. not even long term, lets just exist with each other before making giant life decisions. thats a marriage. with no commitment. i cant. i just cant.

and you know - i’m very sympathetic. i know exactly what it feels like. to have no fucking clue what you want, where to go, what to do, who to be friends with, who to have a relationship with - i get it. i’m really confused too. and this is such a shitty time - i dont know if other times have been more shitty but this seems like a pretty shitty time after society going through so many wars in the past 100 years that have grown more powerful under the advancements and like we, collectively, are different people from 50 years ago so what was “right” and “good” 50 years ago is not relevant to today and we are floating without guidance. how do we survive now? weve evolved to a different mental state and we dont know how to nourish this. its like falling into great advancements with no mental capacity to understand their affect on the social psyche.

theyre right. the colective “they” - your parents have little to do with your chances. their social standing and coping amongst evolution to bring them to such standing has a lot more to do with your chances but if along the line you figure out your way of coping in evolution then you may rise above or find your own level of “happiness” which is mostly fulfilling basic personal needs. but when evolution continually transitions through different ways to fulfill these basic needs or possibly gives you even more ways to do this, it becomes more difficult to realize how you will find your way to cope in evolution. milennials are realy seen as weak and a joke; like re-branded hippies but focused on mental health and emotions, “refusing” employment to ‘feel better’ in life when there was a time when people just took any job because the only way to cope within that evolution was to exhance your service for money or boarding itself. thats not the case anymore. society evolved in such a way that this generation is capable of fulfilling may basic personal needs sometimes by just existing; perhaps their parents pay for food and shelter and provide them with clothing well into their “adult” years. many older generations started working to SURVIVE at 12 - 14 years old. our generation worked because “thats what you do” or to save up for an iphone. most of our grandparents worked to buy bottles of milk or to help the family or for their own vehicle but why save for one when your parents let you drive theirs anyways?

and again - it’s not the parents fault. it’s now easy in society for parents to do this. a large majority of parents, nd the majority leads the collective society. could my parents? no. but a lot of people around me did have parents that did this and my parents cared for me in other ways. society allowed them to breed children who would become introspective because they were no longer in such dire straits for survival. and older generations are upset about this - dont you know they had to want to die regularly to survive? why shouldt we?

so as we gain this introspective into ourselves and “new” psychological ideas come up and vast people are “diagnosed”, it becomes harder to accept things which harm our psyche. so we get a big rise in racial inequality and gay rights and things which seem “liberal” but is simply termed this way because some people - maybe a large amount even, could not refuse employment and worked to survive even in this era. that was the generational hand down - exchange your service for money or starve. and theyre not “in the wrong”. other things affect how you build your coping tools - where you live, the climate of politics etc. maybe you realy just had to do that and there wasnt time to invest in this modern evolution of introspection. you dont have time to look within when youre starving on the outside. so this resentmet and bitterness builds between these two sides which may even exist in the same generation but neither of them is wrong. should one work to survive? probably. animals hunt most of their lives. we should probably work to survive. no one can just be handed food ad shelter forever unless you’re a very unique and special person in royalty. and 99.9% of us are not. but should we also kill our psyche? animals dont deal with smart phones and insurance rates and credit scores and bankruptcy. they just go out and take what they want and our society has evolved past this. so we cannot just assume you just work to survive when survival has been complicated. it takes a higher level of thinking which wemay not fully even comprehend at this stage in the evolution.

i think psychology is very important because we dont understand why people are people. we dont know. we know why the sky is blue but we dont know why we are people. and not just psychology but science and the belief of how our being, our physical being on this planet came to be. we collectively have not agreed despite the very obvious misgivings of current theological theories.

how or in what way should you survive on this planet? why are we required to exist as we are in this society upon birth. like all of these rules and obligations an responsibilities of being a “good human” are placed on you for the rest of your life and all you did was be born. all you want are basic needs fulfilled but you cant even do that until you acknowledge the land you were popped out on to does not belong to you so you abide by these rules now whether you want to or not. and thats just government and law but on this deeper spectrum its an obligation to be a ‘good child’ a ‘good citizen’ - pay your taxes, go to work, have children, buy a house; these are the quest objectives. but why? i think our generation is not the first to ask why but the first in a very long long time to ask why are we doing it this way. not so much why are we here. many of us have decided for ourselves. but why are we livingin society in this particular way and what can we do to survive in a society which is not designed to really benefit anyone. its not about that homeless man geting up and feeding himself, its about taking responsibility to feed that person. animals do a better job at this and we feel we’re in evolved thinking.

society has become very convoluted and confused which has bred confusion in its most recent generation. ive lived a very unique life and yet feel the same way abou these things as my peers because the “temperature” of the environment is the same. its hot, we all know its hot an we’re trying to figure out ways to deal whether its running through a sprinkler, going to a public pool or looking ridiculous in a kiddie pool on your front lawn. it’s gross, it’s not a good time, no one wants to do anything and we’re not feeling it. and this evolution is like climate change. there is absolutely still people capable of coping under this stress, farmers still work, lumberjack still cut wood but theyre fucking miserable and they do it because theyre used to feeling like they want to die to survive. but its getting hotter and its getting harder and even though they feel it the only thing they know is to keep working until they cant anymore then die crippled and miserable. being popped out inexperienced and then thrown into a change which even the experienced are struggling with creates a lot of unrest. a lot of anxious and depressed people.

what do we do? what should we do? you cant change society you can only follow the ebb and flow like flock of birds or schools of fish. this is how we cope as humans, to live as a society. and if society is in upheaval it directly affects the ability to easily obtain our basic needs.

i used to feel envious of stupid people. like atleast they didnt ~know this shit. because this felt depressing. like being stupi would be easier and id be happier but those who choose to remain ignorant or passive hurt a lot and they struggle through some of the barest traps society has created durig this shitty time and now i feel sorry for them. spinning your wheels over and over, dragging yourself through the mud, throwing away money, living extravagantly and ignorantly but going absolutely no where. not going up, down, side ways - no where. i’m there too. i’m right there too on the train stopped at the station waiting to fucking go and we’re here nd we’re buying shit from the dining car and we’re chatting and excited but we’re not goig and we’re not really sure why and we’re all talking about why we’re not going but we’re still not going but hey atleast hey still got cookies.

no one person is driving the train either. its like a group effort where everyone on the train has to believe youre moving forward for it to start but if one jack ass thinks youre not, then its a complete halt.

life is hard but i dont think alot of people realize exactly how hard it is. im trying to learn to appreciate the little things. people with greater minds who had better understanding and less luxuries of the era coped with appreciating little things. taking bike rides in the fall in the nice downtown streets; it’s been a highlight of the season. painting in a studio this week; sure it was not glamorous or anything but i actively went out and created art with others. my room is neat and clean and organized. i did laundry with ease on my own time for free.

i wasnt upset i “had to” walk home. i apreciated the fall weather & buzz of halloween approaching, time to think without screens of distraction, exersize and activity, the ability to buy cat food & cat litter. im not angry about it. i’m tired of being angry about a train im not really driving. if i can never truly conceptualize what i want because of society why keep trying. why cry over spilled milk.

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