#i feel so bad for my parents they probably feel so bad rn. like they really picked a great time to get divorced when none of us would be
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for like 3 weeks i was wondering why i was sleeping so much and felt listless. and just now I managed to email 3 people and responded to a month old message in the span of an hour because I got back to TAKING MY FUCKIN MEDS..........
#MOTHER FFFFUCKER#to be fair. my doc said I could stop taking them while im on break since i wouldnt need to be constantly pumped on stimulants#im not sure if it was a side effect but i managed to take like 3 different naps in one day and STILL managed to sleep thru the whole night#at least 2 days into my break. the weird thing is i didnt feel more or less rested afterwards. but mentally i think im in a good place rn#to really put the level of awakeness im at rn i feel weirdly confident i could start one piece. also bc of that sick new opening it BANGS#the song is really good and im in love with the animation style. did some digging and it seems one of the lead animators is masato mori#but i could be wrong. it seems he also did some work on mp100 which could explain a lot lol.. he uses smear frames really well to convey#consistent movement and fluidity!!! someone else might have done color design but it works really really well esp with odas style!!#just love the overall vibe and aesthetic and id really love to study it and incorporate a bit of it into my art.. especially the thick#outlines which i think helps to separate characters and objects on screen. though i have to say the style is definitely more suited to#animation bc of the simpleness and smears. maybe that will help me explore shapes and perspective when i draw... i wanna get better#at drawing poses and angles but i have a hard time wrapping my head around space and using perspective guide lines NGHHHH#i wonder if it has to do with my dogshit ability to judge distance. not depth perception but like. judge how far smth is in metres etc#im also wearing an N95 for the first couple weeks back bc of the wave. absolutely NO BODY is wearing a mask its so fucking over#where im sitting ive heard 5 different people coughing probably not into their elbows!!! and im just. head in my fucking hands#there was a kid sitting a couple seats away in class coughing as he pleases and i wanted to grab him in a chokehold so badly. PLEASEE#ive been annoying my family by asking them to mask up and reminding them to bring masks when they go out and showing them news articles#but at least its working bc we ordered some KN95s and my mom is at least taking me seriously so. please dont be afraid to speak up abt your#health. take care of yourself and others however u can!! wear that mask indoors at your maskless friends house!!! stay home when u can!!#im wearing a surgical mask at home too bc my parents have '''a dry throat cough''' and they are so bad at coughing into their sleeves#also im pretty sure dry throat isnt transmissible bc my brother started coughing too so.. i also tested negative but they havent tested yet#im also not a doctor but i have to keep reminding ppl whenever i can that covid and flu work differently. covid is new and too recent to#have nearly as much research done on it. it seems its also compounding so instead of building immunity it weakens the body and spreads to#to other systems which might explain brain fog and muscle weakness. i remember someone early in the pandemic got infected and it messed up#their smell/taste receptors so bad that they cant eat most foods and that stays in the front of my mind when i think abt covid. christ#yapping
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was sobbing unceasingly (as one does) but then remembered I have mister uplifting as my mac's screensaver
#he rly is my comfort character rn huh#hes literally talking to a kid here and I'm like uwehuehuehue uwu#i swear i dont have parent issues I'm just rlu emotional fr#regardless tho#how could anyone stay upset with this face#okay maybe me bc im still sad but at least i finally stopped crying lol#also ik the screenshot is from like days ago but i never got around to posting abt it til now okay#love me that post-cry feeling#actually no i hate it#bc now tht there no tears i just feel numb??? which is both good and bad#regardless tho pls dw abt it moots bc im very dramatic and probably will be over my sadge by tmmrw#so heres some tags and good night <3#psycho pass#psycho pass sinners of the system 1#ginoza nobuchika#nobuchika ginoza#psycho pass ginoza#long hair men#long hair ginoza#long hair ginoza nobuchika#growing up chronicles
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are you the most annoying person in the world or do you just need to eat something: a memoir by me
#i feel like absolute shit rn fsdjkl#i think i talked too much today even though i barely spoke at all#but every time i talked someone else had smth to say and then the leader guy had to keep coming back to me like ''what were u saying?''#which was rly nice of him but like. if i just kept my mouth shut then he wouldnt have had to do that at all fdjskl#i mean like. he did ask me questions directly a few times. so he was trying to help me have opportunities to speak#but fsjkl i just. i feel bad for talking bc i know everyone else wants to talk constantly#and i can do without speaking fsdjkl i just... i kept stumbling over my words so badly and it was rly embarrassing ;-;#but i'd get nervous and panicked bc i knew i'd be interrupted at any second so i was just trying to find the shortest way to say my thing#but then i'd trip over my words bc i was so nervous and it'd take too long#and i just felt like i wasn't putting enough effort into my tone so i probably sounded rly flat today and i just. urgghhh#holding my head and tugging at my hair. why can't i just be normal dgjkl why am i so fucking annoying and weird and difficult#i dont know 😭 today was rly difficult bc i was just feeling kind of awful and like i was in the way all day#i did find some yarn colours i need at a flea market though and also some dip pens that i've always wanted to try#i figure $3 is a steal of a deal to try out dip pens instead of buying them brand new for like $30 fdsjkl#so there was something good from today! i just feel like i was annoying to be around all day idk fdsjkl#i honestly probably was totally fine sdfjkl i just. argh#and i hate going to stores w the centre bc i end up following the group leader around after a while bc i dont ever buy anything#i look around at the stuff i like to look at and then i am done and don't want to be a nuisance by being hard to find when everyone-#-else is done so i just figure sticking by the group leader is the best idea. stores dont like when i hang around the front for long fdsjkl#but then i just feel like a weird little kid trailing after their parent 😭 i wish i could just be an AdultTM but augh augh augh#what a fucking weird thing for me to do dsfjkl i just. dont know what else to do bc stores get annoyed w me if i wait at the front#and i dont want to wait outside bc then they'll forget im out there and look for me inside when theyre done LMAO#if i had income then maybe i'd be able to spend longer looking at things but fdsjkl theres only so much looking u can do when u dont buy#pippen needs 2nd breakfast
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i realized how much it scares me that my mind will convince itself of even the ugliest things if i start thinking them often enough and it's... yeah. like i had a good session with my psychiatric rehabilitation therapist i think it was very useful but then at the end i got hit by this feeling of fear... like i'm so scared of myself and how low i can get
#like i convinced myself the only way to deal with my pain and my problems was to attempt suicide so people would know i was suffering#bc i wasn't able to tell them#and i really really for real believed it and i did exactly that and it's very scary to think my mind can get so twisted and believe these#distorted versions of reality or twisted ways to get what i need or all the negative things i think of myself#and like i guess this is just part of working on getting rid of these beliefs. that i'm realising just how deep in them i am and that it#scares me#but it's not a nice feeling. i'm really trying not to judge myself for it that's not useful. i'm still learning how to not judge myself#for every little thing but god it's hard i'm so used to thinking i'm too much or not enough or too emotional or too stupid or inadequate et#just every bad thing under the sun#but even trying my hardest to mantain like a non judgmental view of this issue... the fear is the hardest part rn#it's just... i don't even know who i am? and that's also something we're gonna work on and started to a little#but i don't know who i am and so i just believe abt myself whatever the situation leads me to believe. whatever my bpd leads me to believe#whatever others lead me to believe#and the last one especially is perhaps my biggest issue. i don't know myself and i don't like what “myself” currently is and i live for#other people i live to please others i do things so others will like me or at least not dislike me so i can hate myself less#and really that's no way to live. and this is something this therapist is making me realize and understand#but it's just seriously so.... scary all of this all of this realizing i'm just an empty vessel that i fill up depending on the person i'm#interacting with and that i am.. nothing. like not nothing but like nico is not a formed person. i have molded myself to other ppl's tastes#and needs and if i try to look beyond that there's just this void or at least this question mark#i don't think i have like no personality? but well i do have a personality disorder so that's fucked me up! and it's! aaaa!!#if i think about the things i have convinced myself of by sheer repeating thek to myself all the time in my dark moments...idk#and like it was manageable when the dark moments had reduced and i was relatively okay. but as soon as i got bad again... oh#it started being a constant bombardment of negative talk to myself abt myself and a constant telling myself#well pretty much that there is no worth to be found inside myself. so unless this pain somehow goes away by itself i'll kill myself#that was basically my train of thought every day multiple times a day for months and months#that is scary!!!!!!!! that is so!!!! i'm so#sorry this is a mess. i'm trying not to cry bc i'm at my parents' house and my father's around but. yeah. just lots of feelings#and again it's probably normal i mean talking about these things is good! but feelings are bound to arise and some are hard to deal with#suicide tw#sorry i forgot the tw in my being upset in the moment
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Lord don’t let this be the day my egg is cracked
#i mean. it sort of already is#but still#having a crisis about my gender identity in the shower 🥰🥳🥳#from Jaime#Taylor’s MIA which is probably why I’m feeling it so intensely today#*sigh*#trans#nb#intersex#it’s hard to explain and maybe it doesn’t even matter and I’m just overthinking it#maybe I’m just blendy rn or it’s all in my head.#but basically…#our parents wanted a girl So Bad. and I won’t necessarily say they didn’t get one. they certainly got Something#a girl-thing. I’m definitely not a man#but I’m not a woman either. I’m a she exactly like how the ocean and the moon and dogs are#but if I were a ruler I’d be a King. not a Queen. and I’m definitely a Mx. and not a Ms./Mrs.#I’m not a he. they is okay but it doesn’t quite fit. same with she I guess.#don’t even get me started on body stuff. I’d like top surgery but I’m scared.#I know I don’t want bottom surgery though#i think for now I’m most comfortable as an ‘it’.#A girlthing. emphasis on thing. 💙#it’s been almost a year to the day since my hair started growing thicker and my period stopped unexplainably (it’s been a few years now—#…since it started doing that technically)#but honestly? I’m vibing with it!#should probably still see a doctor though
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How long do you think I’d get grounded for if I smashed a smartwatch thingy with a hammer
#rambles#update on shock collar bracleet that doesnt actual shock you ig#like. i call it that to annoy people (IT WORKS :D) it doesnt actual shock you just. vibrates loudly.#and I quote roughly (dont remember exactly but along the lines of) “To build awareness and retrain your brain out of bad/unwanted behaviors#it is so annoying it doesnt work everytime i move my arm i get vrrrrrrrrrr but i have to wear this whenever my parents see me for a week to#test it out#rn got out of it most of day (doesnt work in car or at school) but STILL#probably wouldnt be as annoying if i got used to it but like. no.#also after it vrrrrrrrs a few times too many its hard to feel my hand so thats fun i dont think its meant to do that but—
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i feel like everybody hates me, but especially those who i look up to...i feel like a little kid again...looking up to those who only look down upon me, instead of picking me up and embracing me.
#i just feel like nobody fucking likes me...like everybody secretly hates me and are actively trying to make me feel bad about myself#like i know that probably isnt true...but its the only thing that make sense#like no matter what i do everybody seems to leave me alone in my own little bubble...#everybody has their little groups with their little friends...but i dont...im the one who is a small member of multiple groups...#and that gets me left in the fucking dust#i just want to belong somewhere...i change and adapt to hopefully become a part of some group but it never works#i just want someone to hold me and tell me itll be ok...and that people dont actually hate me...#ykw if you fucking hate me you can tell me anons are on...i just wanna know im not the crazy one here...#im just trying to fit it so much that ive lost myself...who am i and who is what ive become?#i try and be friendly...and hope that i get accepted somewhere but they never really care...#im like the last kitten left in the cardboard box...all the others were cuter and healthier and now nobody wants me#nobody wanted me from the start...and now im all alone#idfk#i would do anything for a hug rn#since january shit has been going downhill...died...moved...gone...and then i had some people who cared and then it all fell apart again...#i just want to belong somewhere ffs...i want to be able to have friends...not just people who tolerate me...#i would rather have one friend that 10 people who tolerate me#idfk...im going to go eat ice cream until i cant feel any emotions anymore...#if i wasnt a pussy i would be stealing my parents alcohol...they already dont like when i eat...#or maybe i shouldnt eat...then maybe someone would love me...idfk...i just want to feel loved and secure and like i fucking belong
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hm.
#feeling like. all around bad. and idk why really#i just dont want to do anything. i want to rot. everything is hard.#why does everything feel like a chore!! i love playing minecraft and sewing and drawing and writing but it all feels Bad rn#and on top of that i dont even wanna talk to my partner for some reason. i love them a lot but my brain keeps going 'you should just never#speak to them again. because why the fuck not.' and i dont know why.#(riot if you see this it is not about you)#but. idk. i just wanna have a breakdown but i dont wanna have it alone but also. i dont have anyone irl.#i should text ms v and meet with her probably. she would let me hug her. she would understand.#on top of all the emotional and social bs ive also got my perpetual family issues to deal with and im. so tired.#i want to move away somehow#but even dorms might not be possible because i fucked up my grades as i usually do. great job jet.#idk i just wish i could be mentally well and have friends and parents that weren't shit#sigh#a guy can dream!#delete later
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i need to stop giving people my instagram i think like it’s not conducive to appearing in people’s lives and then disappearing i think i should start a number/email/letterboxd only policy because i am in such a good place to meet people and then just disappear and that’s all i need from life rn and instagram is hindering me massively in that i’m literally going to start doing this
#the best interactions with people i ahve had since moving have been people who i have spoken to completely openly to and then we have never#spoken again#this is not true i get to see vicky and that’s lovely and i also have made another friend so that’s been good#but generally like idk i just dont want to be tethered to anything i dont really want#i am always going to be tethered to my family and for so long i was tethered to ballet#i just dont want it anymore i want all my moving to be my choice not my parents#the longest i have ever lived in one house is 4.5 years#how could i possibly be expected to stay in one place after all that#i just feel this incredible barrier between me and anyone except like 2 people#i cant connect to anyone and insteadof being upset about it i just feel crazy#i’m not sad or put out over it it is just how it is for me sometimes#and i do need to reply to the people i care about but at the same time it’s like what’s the point#what’s the poitn when i just feel so disconnected fundamentally from nearly everyone i have ever known#and the thing is i do want to flit in and out of peoples lives it’s not even like i want to change this#i had a beautiful conversation with this man the first week i was in uni and he was incredible to speak to and i hope i offered him some of#that too and neither of us made any move to exchange any contact details or even our names#and THATS what i want that’s what i want from my life rn#which is maybe bad for me but i think it’s all i have in me rn#which is not true really i’m not going to stop talking to my friends and im not going to not make friends probably#but it’s such a gorgeous idea and i AM good at it i am good at talking to people once and then never again#i can do that
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rr
#this is late night overthinking delete later thoughts but#thinking about the fact that i’ll probably never be able to be in like a real actual queer relationship#like every time i remember that and then think a lil too hard about it#it makes me so sad to the point where my stomach hurts#like im lying in bed rn thinking about it and im getting actual real pains#and it just hurts so bad both physically and emotionally#because i know that i won’t be able to come out to my parents#like i try to tell myself that one day i’ll be able to tell them but as time goes on it just doesn’t seem realistic#and i just don’t know how i could be in a queer relationship under those circumstances#and ppl will say ‘just cut them off if theyre not supportive!!!!’ but for me and my situation that’s just not possible#‘do whatever you want to do who cares what they think!!!’ you don’t know anything ab my situation stop saying this#being in a queer relationship is something that for the longest time i tried to pretend that i didn’t want#and now that i’ve finally accepted who i am and what i want#i just feel like im back in that little hole of secrecy and shame bc i know that (at least for now) i still have to pretend#that im not queer#ahhhh#sigh idek if anything of this makes sense and is coherent#thinking about this makes me cry and makes my head hurt and my stomach hurt#but i just felt like i needed to let it out#because im not out to anyone irl so i have no one to talk to about this#anyways i should probably try and sleep before i fall too far down the rabbit hole#sigh
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okay but how do you ask for help when your childhood makes you feel guilty for needing help and the help that you need feels rude to ask for
#im really struggling to function rn and i finally accepted that i wont make it to my appt without help#so i posted on my snap story asking if anyone could come over for a few hours to help me get back on track#n. two people replied saying they cant but hope i find someone but no one else has replied at all#i knew the answer would probably be no bc no one has time to come all the way here to help me to do tasks i should be able to do alone#but idk i thought i might get some comfort or encouragement or something. just some acknowledgement#i wish i had a group chat or something where i could reach out to people. bc things like snap stories people are just flicking past#i NEED to change the kitty litter today i have no choice its unusable and needs changing but i just. how. i am so tired#i have a ridiculous amount of glasses n crockery specifically for when i struggle like this n yet im still almost completely out of them#bc i just. cant do the dishes. i dont even have to wash them they just need to go in the dishwasher n i Cant#my brain just completely shut down once i got back from the trip#especially bc i got a cold n i dont cope well being sick at all#but of course thats another reason i feel bad asking for help. bc my house is full of germs. n i dont want people to get sick bc of me#but i am running out of food and clean dishes and bench space and i just. cant do it alone rn#but i used up my asking capabilities posting on snap#posting on insta would prob get more people to see it but insta feels. much more public#i dont use my insta stories like ever so it feels like a Lot to post on it for this#n when i asked for support after my parents divorce i only got a couple responses anyway#n this is. not worth support. like its a problem of my own making? i went on the trip knowing it would be a Lot for me#i wasnt planning on getting sick And getting an infection which are both exhausting me a lot but thats not the point#idk im just beating myself up over here. idk how to ask for help esp bc i expect the answer to be no anyway#like who is gonna travel an hour+ to help their friend clean their kitchen and fill out paperwork. im 28 i should be able to do that stuff#these tags are getting very maudlin and mean to myself. sigh. i wish i didnt feel so guilty when i need help#i wish i felt like i was allowed to ask for and accept help#love that childhood and autistic trauma haha lmao#anyway. brains are annoying. and im struggling a lot.
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i am going to be soooo fucked for this therapy appt _(:_」∠)_
#going to just play sudoku i guess. fuck me fuck this fuck sleep#doesnt help that im also an insomniac dhdjdmsl so. weh.#I've ran through five whole scenes for my story writing and usually i only get thru one at most before sleep hits#the issue is every time I think mother is done moving around upstairs she starts up again#and then i get upset and then my heart starts pounding and then i Definitely cannot sleep#and then by the time i settle down and am just abt to drift off she starts moving around again and it repeats over and over and over#i feel so ill dnfkdl i wish i was sick rn too so that I'd be allowed to be outwardly miserable and she might care that she's keeping me up#but alas dndksl i havent caught whatever it is that both parents have had now (not covid apparently) so i just have to keep being nicey nice#i hate this so much djfkdl she is sick and that sucks so bad and she is miserable and thats awful but also. i would like to sleep.#but i should not be upset bc she is suffering and if i wanted to sleep so bad i just Would i guess. i must not need sleep if i cant sleep#like if i rly needed it I'd probably be able to sleep through any amount of noise ? idk#hello 3am my most despised frenemy. i love you for being a good number but i hate seeing you bc it means im Awake#if i cry in my therapy appt maybe something good will happen !! maybe i will be taken away and put somewhere safe where i can sleep#eeuggfhhhh. weh. whiny whiny sorry fjfkdl i will go play sudoku and pretend that I've already slept several hours and the day will come#pippen needs 2nd breakfast
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...
#ok so like this is fine bc im not in a horrible mood rn. this is more i feel like complaining bc what im doing is kinda ridiculous#but my memory is so bad that ill probably forget if i dont write it out. but basically 4 days a week i have to come in starting at 7.30 to#water and prep for measurements. then from 9am to 6.15pm i have to nonstop take the measurements. and theyre timed so that means#i get abt 4 min to do anything before i have to take another measurement. which is abt enough time to start to focus and then have to stop#which is very fucking frustrating. and i have to manage data. coordinate for this fucking paper. and keep track of like 10 other things for#work stuff. which means that it takes me like and hour to send easy emails and they come out all fucked uo bc my brain is so shot#but on top of that i also have to fucking do the steps to get set up for my new school in the fall. and like ive officially accepted the#offer but havent talked to my new advisor since then so now theres this weird gap where im like. uh fuck do i ask for wtf im supposed to#do? bc ive been able to do things for like 2 or 3 weeks but then my life started collapsing in around me. and like there r probably#instructions somewhere but i cant fucking read lol. whatever. hes nice i just need to find the energy and words to email him and b like lol#srry everythings been insane. but bc ive waited so long i have to compulsively keep going back to check that ive been accepted like somehow#that would change while im not looking. ugh. and ive also fucked myself over housing wise bc theres a housing shortage in the city and huge#demand of housing on camus so theres a wait list for everything but i cant fucking apply bc i cant get my id to work. and fucking idk who#to call or email abt that. but idk i might have to have roomates for a semester. or my parents offered to give me some extra money for an#apartment until i can get one that doesnt put me in the red on a grad student budget. ugh. i dont wanna do either of those things#but christ do i not want roommates. ill figure something out. its just annoying and difficult from so far away#and it makes me kinda sad bc ppl r like: r u excited?! and im like. i cant really think abt that. partly bc im constanly putting out fires#in the present so theres not really space for it. partly bc i dont allow myself to b excited abt things so as not to get my hopes up.#but just after i accepted i was excited. and now it feels like im reaching my hand out toward a floating light just out of reach. like#its a nice idea but i wont believe until it happens. but that just bc ive become distorted about things#and i dont even get a weekend bc the 4 days of measurement r friday to Monday and i cant fucking relax on weekdays bc ppl r like hey can u#do this??? and there r things i can only do on weekdays so its like ok i guess ill just suffer forever thrn. and my boss texts me like: hey#did u do X? and am like: uuuuuh i fucking dont kno what day it is anymore. i dont understand y we have to meet. lets just not talk bc im#afraid ill say something worrying. so yea its pretty fucked up rn. but this stuff ends on the 24th#then ill probably not take a break and fucking finish the measurements for another project bc i just really need it to b done. i need it#all to b done so i can fucking wash my hands of this and fucking quit and move away at the start of july... or August if i decide i hate#myself that much. ugh. at least the lab has been pretty empty so no ones seen me crying lol#also thr fucking rutgers guy emailed me yesterday like: hey u want this position? and im like bitch u r like a month too late also im in#my cringe fail era. i would not survive at ur school. ugh everything is terrible. 2 or 3 more months then i csn leave this place forever#unrelated
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el oh el
#tw:? idk if i should label that but i feel like talking here so yea#i literally can not stand my family not just parents in general i#really hate everyone i cant be happy i cant remember when i was really happy for more than a day#something has to happen and i spiral back down i always go back to the start i cant be fixed#im so tired idk how im gonna survive anymore#i always say its bad but then i just distract myself rn i cant focus on anything but on how im feeling im tired im really tired#i keep saying that but sometimes idk how im feeling anymore#i feel so alone#no one gets it no one will#everyone has their person whether its platonic or romantic or wtv#but why not me#i always think that#why not me?#what's so wrong about me that no one wants to be close to me#is it my personality or my body my looks maybe#people just randomly hate me#they probably think im annoying too#everyone does#ik everyone does#people r just that good of actors that they sit w me talk to me say they love me but i could never believe it#i always get compliments on my insecurities but they never really fix anything or even raise my spirits#i just wanna die rn#nothing is working#im gaining weight im not happy with myself no one would like me i bet no body even thinks about me#i sound so pathetic rn but im so close to actually doing it.#idk if i wanna say this here but tw:sh ig#i did it idk how or why it just happened i was hurt so hurt i cant remember what really happened i just unscrewed a pencil sharpener and#my thighs and forearms#it's not that bad and i did stop but still#it already happened and the scars r there they're deep but i liked the feeling of them i liked the burn they gave
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#having such bad covid anxiety rn#think I’m finally calming down slightly but I’m just so worried that someone in my family is going to get it right before Christmas#and the thought makes me so so so so so sad#and last christmas was not the best so I really want this one to be good#but I am finding it difficult to look forward to it#because I’m so anxious#it’s like everyone is testing positive rn it’s so scary#and I know I’m not irrational in worrying about it#so I guess the only way to cope with it is so realise that even if someone does get covid over Christmas it will probably be fine it will#just be different and there’s nothing I can do#and no amount of worrying will help at all#:(#we’re all as vaccinated as we can be and we’re taking precautions so there’s not much else I can do#so being anxious is not helpful or constructive#it just makes me feel awful for something that might or might not happen#I’ve got my sleepy time tea though so hopefully that will calm me down#my parents tried to help as well and they sort of have#I just hate feeling like this
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Y’all ever have to do those check ins that were like “Tell us how you’re doing by giving us your weather forecast?” Because this is mine for the day: ⛈️
#asked for extra hours at work and got told no bc I’m already working the max my contract allows#after my half of the bills I’m earning less than $63 a month and that doesnt include any of the household necessities that I buy#left a bad job bc I was tired of sobbing every night due to how badly management treated me and got a job that I like#but the job that I like doesnt cover my expenses#should have just sucked it up at the bad job until my 2 year contract ended#I had survived a year and a half I coulf have handled six more months#at least then I would have more savings#sorry for the rant I’m just feeling very angry at myself and also the world rn#oh and my stove caught on fire yesterday so I need a new stock pot bc it was ruined and I literally just gave my spare pots away#bc one of my friends lost a lot of their household items#did they need them more than me? probably. but fuck dude#my default mode of being is to give give give give and to help and when do I ever get any help in return aside from my parents#whatever whatever whatever whatever
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