#i get the whole process up until the very point of nothing. but nothing cant exist. there has to be something

[jarvis-cockhead]

i still kind of believe that one of my past consciousnesses had sex with james hunt i wont lie

[ancha-aus]

Ghosts & Medium AU Drabble - New Haunting

I am back :3 With a continuation of the drabble where Killer and Dust meet!

And what happens after :D

*-----------------------*

Dust sighs as he reads his notes over.

Ash grumbles from beside him "At least eat your breakfast."

Dust shrugs but blindly grabs the cinnamon roll to nimble on as he checks the notes he made.

Almost a week had passed. A WEEK!

And Dust still hadn't managed to get Killer to leave the house. Which is unusual for him. Most of the time it takes him a day or two to get the ghost to move on. Three if it is a hard case.

Killer?

Killer does not seem any closer to moving on.

At least Dust didn't get a migraine from being around him anymore. As he normally gets that after long exposure to new spirits.

Sadly instead he gets a headache from the other's constant flirting and pickup lines.

Ash sighs "Can't we just write this off as a lost cause? Tell the family to stay somewhere else for a bit until he moves on himself?"

Dust is honestly considering it at this point. He is starting to think tha tKiller jsut doesn't want to move on. and the poltergeist is stubborn. If he doesn't want to go he clearly isn't going.

Dust sighs "I am honestly considering it..." he reads his list over again. it isn't as if he hadn't figured it out by now. Killer had a very... violent past. He worked for many people and had very little freedom for himself. something went wrong and he was tortured before being left to die somewhere alone.

Dust had figured all of that out at this point. but nothing could get him to move on.. because in a lot of ways.. Killer had already moved on from that past. Even if some fears remained but those are normal, even for living people.

Dust sighs as he puts his things away "at least Killer is mostly docile now. I will just tell the family i couldn't fix it and advice them to stay out for a bit. Let killer think the family moved out and move on to a new spot."

Ash nods "make it someone elses problem."

Dust frowns as he rubs his arm "i don't know..."

ash sighs "hey i know. you cant fix all the ghosts."

They get to the house and Dust has a conversation with the family. explain he can't fix it but that moving out and leaving the house empty for a while could pursuade the ghost to leave. Dust advices them to make a show of packing their things and to just sleep over at a friends place for a while.

The family isn't happy. but are willing to try it.

Dust watches them move stuff and their bags to their car as he goes in to say his own goodbyes to Killer. wish him the best and then leave himself.

Dust takes a seat at the coffee table and Killer is immediantly in his personal bubble with a large smile "Hey!! I was wondering when you would get here." he grins and winks "you just can't stay away from me and my charms." and he winks again.

Killer does that a lot. the winking.

Dust shrugs "only fair to come by and finish stuff up."

Killer blinks and freezes "waht?"

dust tilts his skull "the family is leaving after all... they hired me to talk with you and stuff. try and get you to leave. I can't make you leave."

Killer frowns and grows quiet. clearly processing the news. Dust told him ages ago that he had been hired to help get killer to move on. Killer had been more worried about the fact that dust was working for someone over the whole exorcising thing.

Killer frowns "but... if the family leaves... you can just move in!" and he grins widely "You can stay here with me!"

Dust tilts his skull "I got my own home. I can't stay."

Killer frowns more and the red target, that had started to show off a soul shape before, becomes a target again as the black sludge gets worse.

Killer is looking from side to side as he frowns. clearly thinking and planning quickly.

Killer frowns as he floats closer "When would you be back?"

Dust blinks as Ash makes a groaning sound behind him "Of coruse you get a clingy ghost."

ironic seeing as Ash is the most clingy of them all but Dust doesn't say that instead he answers killer "I... would likely not come back... I go where i can get jobs and work..."

Killer shakes his skull and mutters things "We can't do that! long distance relationships are much more likely to fail than normal relationships."

Dust blinks "euh.. what now?"

Killer points between himself and dsut "our relationship obviously!! We only jsut started this! we can't complicate things with long distance!"

Dust suddenly feels like he missed some very important information along the way "we... aren't dating?"

Killer shoots him a grin and floats closer "obviously not quite. but we are now in the phase of the 'will they won't they' so it is important we keep interacting and spend time together!"

Dust looks unsure at Ash but his brother isn't much help as ash just stares at killer as if killer is an idiot. Dust looks forwards himself "euh... it... wouldnt work? You are a ghost? I am still very much alive..." and not plannign on changing that anytime soon. mostly because Ash will END him if Dust did something stupid and got himself killed.

Killer grins and winks "oh bunny. Of course we can make it work."

Yeha Dust thinks he lost the plot of this a while ago. he tries to get the focus back to the point he was trying to make "anyway... I need to go... I still need to get work to pay for things... It was nice to meet you killer and-"

Killer gasps loudly "That is it!" he points at Ash "That is the answer!"

Ash looks confused as well "what."

Killer nods and flies straight at Dust and dust yelps as killer just flies through him.

Dust shudders at the feeling of cold and the different energy not to forget the flashes of Killer's past life. too fast for him to keep track off and mostly just overwhelming.

Killer grins "That should have been enough!"

Dust shoots him a glare as he rubs his sternum. "What was that for?!" Ash hovers near him worried as his brother looks him over.

Killer grins and waits.

Dust frowns but then he feels it.

Oh... Oh no.

Killer grins "oh yes!" he nods "You couldn't stay meanign it was me who would ahve to move! But anchoring myself to all kinds of places and moving that the whole time would get annoying. sooo!! I did what your brother did!"

Ash screeches "You did what?!"

Yup. That are two links now. Two different spirits are both using him as an anchor to remain.

Fucking hell.

...

What the fuck is he suposed to do with this situation?!

...

He better get a good fucking tip for this shit from this stupid family.

*-----------------------*

[penguinkyun]

chapter 159 review

trigger warning: this chapter deals with a canon suicide which will be referenced. please click off if it affects you! your mental health is important

this is the second chapter in a row thats accompanied by me having a fever. not sure if that says anything. anyway

i take back very little of what I said last time because the point about ruby not surpassing ai still holds, but at least she wasn't stabbed like ai. at least.

instead we got the comedy of akane wearing a knife proof vest with ichigo planning the whole thing. and yknow what im actually totally fine with this. its better than ruby being stabbed and its inadvertent subtext of "ruby is a better idol than ai, so much so she survived being stabbed" that comes with the scenario where it actually was ruby who was stabbed and survives especially with the surrounding hamfisted narrative of ruby surpassing ai

i really do like the significance of ichigo correcting his mistakes with ai by making sure no one dies in the second attack, because he is the character who has to correct his failures relating to ai's death. its great that he gets to do that in this chapter!

whats not great is him using a 19yo girl as bait in order to correct said failures. what if nino went for the throat? but then again it is in line with ichigo's character *gestures at him guilt tripping aqua in 108*

whats funny is that ichigo apparently knew ryousuke and nino were dating and just did not investigate her in the least. i could play devil's advocate for him here and say that even if he did investigate nino, ai hid who the father was and idk if nino wouldve given hikaru up at that point and theres no real way to get concrete evidence hikaru and ryousuke knew each other, not to mention goros death wasnt found out until 16 years later and even then you cant connect ryousuke to it, but thats all flimsy, paper thin justifications. cmon aqua was better at the revenge job when he was 16 and akanes been doing it better for years, ichigo do better you failed at investigating 101

(cinemasins voice) akane has double hoshigans in this chapter but last chapter she had only one hoshigan

get yourself a murderer who apologises after stabbing you

another giggle is ichigo going (shocked pikachu voice) NINO?! when her hood falls because like. Did You Not Know it was nino? like you really didn't? did you just expect someone to attack on the day of the final concert like what happened to ai? why would you expect that? i can definitively say aqua didnt tell him because aqua said shit in 155 to ichigo, but apparently neither did akane??? he really just expected it to happen. what was he gonna do if the attack happened at the concert?? what was the plan here ichigo??

155!akane: i cut my hair because i didn't feel the need to imitate hoshino ai anymore

158-9!akane: so i'll larp as her daughter instead!

i will say that this dialogue of ninos is actually what ive always thought was part of her thought process

Nino: "If Ai was nothing but an ordinary girl, what would that have made the rest of us then? I just want Ai to be “special.”`

my interp of nino was always that her idolization of ai was her coping mechanism for dealing with the Everything in first gen bkomachi, a coping mechanism that turned into an true belief after ai died because she doesnt want to face the facts about her and ai's relationship: that ai wasnt invincible, nino did hurt her and they never made up. its protection against the sheer grief and regret that would overwhelm her because she never received any closure in regards to that which was compounded by the disbandment of bkom a mere 2 years later, losing her boyfriend and her idol so horrifically (especially after she told them to die) and the years of mismanagement in bkomachi because. all she really wanted to be was friends with ai. and if they were really ordinary girls they would've made up, right? but they didnt and now nino has to live with that

nino saying she wanted to be friends with ai too is all the emotional catharsis and closure i had hoped she would get since 132 and im really glad to see that its here

unfortunately that catharsis is preceded by the plot contrivance that is nino stabbing ruby in the first place which is further duct taped together by the reason nino went after ruby which is that ruby apparently surpassed ai which — no she didn't

and that total plot device becomes even more bullshit by this chapter, where ruby is mimicking ai right down to the cut of her idol dress, her poses and double white hoshigans which gives the message that yeah. ai really was the greatest and most invincible idol who nobody could rival. because even in what is supposed to be rubys moment of triumph at reaching new heights, shes not allowed to do it by her own unique charisma.

ruby has to be shown surpassing ai visually, but because the set up was so utterly hamfisted, all thats left to show her doing so is making her do ai's own poses instead of letting what makes ruby an effective idol shine through, because her character has been so butchered, her original love and compassion for idols and life and the people around her were molded to fit whatever the plot needed to be that this moment, which is supposed to be ruby's shining moment, it just. it just rings hollow.

throughout the latter half of the movie arc shes been wanting to surpass ai on her own terms but shes not allowed to do so and instead ends up just being Ai. its all of the payoff with none of the required set up

speaking of payoffs and setups, kanas situation is the total inversion of this where kana has all the set up for her romantic resolution, her chance to shine the brightest on stage and turn everyones glowsticks white and there's absolutely no payoff. she isnt even the centre in her own graduating concert! aqua isn't there to watch her spellbinding performance because hes dealing with his father whos possibly an antagonist again so her one dream from 151 doesn't get fulfilled! she's gotten utterly pushed to the side because akasaka brute forced the "ruby surpasses ai" in 158 and realised it had to be fulfilled and thus we got whatever the hell was this final bkomachi concert. kana gets tiny singing panels with two dedicated to her solo act (which was actually nice to see at least she Did get the spotlight and her tearing up about graduating ;-;) while ruby gets the biggest, shiniest panels at kana's graduation concert and mem? who's mem? she's barely there and honestly feels like an afterthought with how her age scandal just had no tangible impact whatsoever on literally anyone! it just feels like a thread akasaka just wanted to get out the way

in general the handling of bkomachi's structure, especially now that kana is leaving and mem will age out soon along with her applying to colleges, along with how mem's reveal impacted their presence in the industry, and the impact of ruby's black hoshigan shenanigans severely skewing the popularity to her side has been incredibly lacking and its honestly just sad considering how important B-Komachi as a whole is to all of their characters.

and this scene just pisses me off entirely on ruby and bkomachi again but i ranted about that enough in 158 askhfskd moving on

coming back to nino and ryousuke for a second its honestly a little funny that nino's gay crush on ai was so strong she forgave ryousuke for jumping ship to another idol

on that note though it does touch on something re: nino and her idolisation of ai being her coping mechanism. of course everyone would move from her to ai, ai is the best , of course she would lose all relevance in bkomachi, ai is the best, of course her boyfriend would choose ai, ai is the best. it makes it easy for her to cope with being so strongly and so deeply in ai's shadow — if ai was imperfect that means nino would have to face the hurt, anger and sadness at constantly being second choice when in consideration with ai, that she would have to face that she deeply hurt ai, because that would mean ai was just as normal as her and that would mean that nino wasn't good enough. but if ai was Perfect then its obvious, isn't it? you pick the prettiest flowers after all.

although nino telling two people to die and then they actually do is. yikes. i want to hug her

speaking of ryousuke, the question of nino saying "ever since we let him die..." (mangaplus TLed it as "killed him" but that is a mistranslation which is also proved incorrect by this chapter) is answered here! i had originally assumed it meant they failed to stop him from committing suicide and that's...partially true. on the timeline, its a bit difficult to pinpoint when exactly nino yelled at ryousuke, but considering she says she forgave him for jumping ship and then says `when i told him to go die, he obeyed me just like that` when the visuals clearly show her in shock, that implies in the small window between ai dying and ryousuke committing suicide, he might have called nino in a panic, probably on a payphone and she yelled at him to die in her panic and anger at hearing yknow. that he killed ai. and that was his last straw and then she found him dead when she went to search for him

that still doesn't answer my question of how on earth ryousuke and hikaru got to the hospital ai was at

and so besides all of what i just said about nino, her and ryousuke is clearly a blatant retcon <33. none of it remotely makes sense in an in-universe context line up of events and like basically the only thing it confirms is that ichigopro really were lax about dating. net zero information gained

that being said akane implying that someone else was behind all of the murderous shenanigans going on and that someone being implicitly confirmed to be hikaru by aqua's dialogue is just...why? why bother with the nino red herring? it's a bit hard for me to put a finger on why exactly i don't really like this, but it's like. 154 showed him to be utterly defeated and depressed over ai still loving him and him having killed her and being the final end to their love story it really felt like hikaru was going to do something to make up for it! the 158 phone call even implies this! but by what akane and aqua say here, it gives the feeling of hikaru having been behind ai's and also now, what would have ruby's attempted stabbing? with making him do a deranged yandere smile to boot? it just feels off

i dont really want to make any predictions just yet so i'll just. watch where this goes

i did like aqua's mephisto jacket tho

no break next week!!!

[krisp-xyz]

ok I'm gonna ramble about outer wilds.

if you haven't played it, even if you don't typically care about spoilers, PLEASE avoid spoilers bc this is the most delicate game ever when it comes to spoilers due to the way it's designed. it's one of the few games where spoilers WILL rob you of the experience. with that said,

OUTER WILDS SPOILERS

this is a very very special game to me fgkjldfjk the ending was really beautiful when i first played and the more i thought about and processed it, the more it really stuck with me to the point where i *will* just cry if i think about the ending too much and god i cannot play through that ending again without sobbing. since im assuming people reading this have played the game, yall already know the nature of the game. the only thing you have to gain from anything is knowledge, and once you beat the game, you cant really ever play it again. sure you could maybe go for achievements or explore things you never saw but the experience is kinda just over.

I very much interpreted the ending as being about death. the game has the whole supernova time loop thing going on which sorta makes the idea of respawning a canonical aspect of the game. the fact that you can just hop back into your ship and you dont really have repercussions from death which is a pretty much synonymous with games as a whole tbh is a canonical aspect of the game that you the player AND you the hearthian traveler exploring the universe are a part of. this doesnt immediately seem to special and didn't even click with me very much until quite a bit after i beat the game, but to beat the game is to accept that you're going to die, and truly dying in this game is kinda the closest media has come to communicating what death really means for me at least. you start aimlessly wandering this star system and eventually start to piece things together, you make goals and eventually figure out how to beat the game, etc. all the knowledge you have to gain in this game leads up to the ending. maybe you stop the supernova and save everyone! maybe thats why you're trying to find the eye of the universe! but no, all the stars are dying. you were just unfortunate enough to be born at the end of a dying universe. There's nothing you can do because death is inevitable for you and those around you.

to beat the game is not only to accept that the sun will explode for the last time, that the end of the experience is inevitable, that all your hearthian friends will die for good, but beating the game also requires accepting that *you the player* have reached the end of this experience, *you the player* cannot hang onto anything forever, that the end was inevitable for you too. sometimes i get genuinely sad that i can basically never play this game again, and i almost wonder if my little hearthian protagonist felt similar during the end of the game. that feeling of the inevitable end finally reaching us.

AND DESPITE IT ALL, you finally accept that you are not immortal, that this will not last forever, that the sun cant keep exploding and looping and exploding and looping forever, when you finally accept death on your own terms, when you have no idea of what's in store for you and what will happen next but you take that dive anyway, you just,, get to share a moment with the people close to you. you sit around the campfire as everyone's music comes together for the first time, once *literally* worlds apart, now, in harmony, as the little audio cues to find your friends on each planet become a symphony. they each share messages about how they feel and every single fucking one resonated with me so much sdjklfsklj stuff like "you cut it a little short dont you think?" and "i got to be a part of something really cool, so I've got no complaints" and "the future depends on the past, even if we wont get to see it" and MY FAVORITE FUCKING LINE FROM THE ENTIRE GAME. solanum, the only non-hearthian character around the campfire, a nomai, one of the species that made this all possible, a friend, says something different. she says that this is the end of our journey, and she asks you a question. she just asks if you're ready. its not required to say yes to finish, its not even required to talk to her to beat the game, but if you say no, she will ask again if you are ready whenever you talk to her afterwards, while leaving a message for you in case you are not ready for it to end. she says "its tempting to linger in this moment where every possibility still remains, but unless they are collapsed by a conscious observer, they will never be more than possibilities." when you finally take your final plunge in this moment, you watch the universe collapse before you, remarkably similar to all the times you watched the sun explode before your eyes, and you die.

even though you the player are clearly still alive, (its just a video game after all :p) the experience is over. you died in a way too. this world is no longer yours to explore and discover. after the credits theres a very nice touch where you see the start of a new universe after you enter the eye and the entire universe dies before you. you see some new creatures huddled around a campfire together to remind you that death isn't the end, because "the future depends on the past, even if we wont get to see it" and that maybe it was enough to be a part of something cool, to share those moments with your friends, to explore the universe in whatever unique way you did.

SO WHAT THE FUCK IS ECHOES OF THE EYE

DLC spoilers beyond this point ofc.

if you're like me or countless other players, you probably wanted more, well I've got just the news for you!! theres a DLC !!!! "but wait, doesnt this defeat literally the entire purpose of the game?" yes :D but that's not a flaw, in fact they do this in the best way possible. the DLC challenges the message of the game because there is a fundamental aspect of death that the game barely even touches that the DLC explored *thoroughly*: fear.

chances are, you realize you can beat the game and go beat it and are immensely moved and equally confused by the ending because it takes so much time to process that you never really have a moment to fear death. theres never a moment where you are scared of what comes next because it doesnt really click that this is the end of everything until after the end. in my opinion at least, this is pretty much the only flaw with their portrayal of death and the DLC remedied this.

so it turns out you want more and weren't ready for this to end! its time to explore the owlks and their contributions to this story. im not going to explain their story in depth because im assuming people have played ofc, but key traits with the owlks is that they feared loss. they archived what they wanted to destroy, they lost their home beause of the efforts they made to reach the eye and were horrified, they tried to escape by hiding in a world of their own creation. they hid the eye to prolong the life of the universe as infinitely far as they could. they stumbled across a way to similarly archive one's consciousness, and conquer even death itself, but it was all out of fear. they couldnt accept the end so they hid from it.

and let me just say THE DLC IS FUCKING SCARY. they lean into horror and I think everyone should play it even if they arent into horror. the puzzles arent actually too challenging in execution, and making the discoveries you need is no sweat if you've gone through the base game tbh, although it is very different in a very refreshing way. The real challenge and the real roadblock is fear. some of the things you are required to do are immensely scary and put you into situations you frankly dont want to be in! but if you quit, if you dont do this out of fear, if you hide and if you try to escape this, you're just like the owlks. you dont get through this by not being afraid, you get through this by not letting your fear paralyze you. you need to face your fears (often quite literally as you need to lure owlks away from things and I think its a nice touch that they can also hide from you by turning off their lights and then they can still see you by shining their light towards you even if yours is off FUCK that but this is a bit of a tangent lsdkfgljsd) and if you succeed where they failed, you learn one of the biggest mysteries of the game. you learn why the eye's signal vanished as fast as it appeared, why the nomai failed to find it as effortlessly as the owlks did, but more imporantly, you make a friend :] you meet the owlk that enabled the eye of the universe to be found with a brief decision that they made in a single moment so long ago. the efforts to build upon what the prisoner did were not in vain, and the prisoner accepts death by literally walking into the water as their light goes out. they leave a final message for you, urging you to ride into the exploding sun with them by your side, and you know its time to go beat the game again.

hopefully at this point the ending has sat with you long enough for you to realize what this means. now, more than ever, this is finally the end of the game. you wanted more and you got more but that desire for more similarly cant last forever. the game still needs to end and this is why there should never ever be another DLC for this game please,, a desire for more and a fear of the end kinda come hand in hand, and the fears that you chose to face were not in vain. this is it! theres nothing else! maybe you're sad that the game is ending for the last time, and maybe you still dont want it to end. but in those final moments around the campfire, solanum isn't the only non-hearthian friend around the campfire :] the prisoner is there too wondering if they even deserve to be there after what their kind did, but its over now, everything worked out. they say something really simple that was, without a doubt, the perfect addition to the game for me:

"...How beautiful. It’s different than I’d envisioned.

Whatever happens next, I do not think it is to be feared."

I think one of the reasons this game resonated so much with me is something that I really struggled to grasp until I watched shammy's outer wilds review. there's something so much more significant about *being* rather than just, observing. tons of movies try to tackle these ideas of death and even plenty of games, but with outer wilds, *you* are having this experience that will end that you can never have again. *you* are exploring a world in your own unique way that cannot last forever. and I think that's ok. I think that's what makes it special.

I'm a game dev and an artist and I think outer wilds is genuinely profound. it makes me want to make something that touches people in the way I felt touched by outer wilds. I'm so happy things aligned for me to get to use this same medium for art. I'm gonna go cry now thanks for reading <3

[trainingdummyrabbit]

Mmm you every have scenario's regarding near-human Angela swimming in your head? Like how Angela could eventually potentially feel the cold and be affected by it.

The first time she actually gets sick she's absolutely suffering from the experience. The patron librarians noticing and freaking the fuck out until someone like Hokma or Roland strolls in being like "everyone calm your tits it's just a damn cold". meanwhile Angela gets to be miserably dramatic as she tries to power through the illness.

Alternatively, Angela initially not getting why Roland wasn't feeling great after the Snow Queen abnormality fight being that she couldn't feel the cold yet.

Then Angela goes on to the final realization, gets to the Frost Splinter phase and being able to feel and be affected by the cold, is immediately like "...I suddenly realize why they didn't like that fight. (=n=);" and just- *it's clear the brain worm thoughts are winning tonight*

Sorry for the ramble just your headcanons for Angela gives me a lot of joy and inspiration, I'd love to hear your thoughts on your personal near-human Angela headcanons if you have any!

ouhghg man iam Always thinking abt stuff like this yea. yeag? yea. ijust always wonder about how. weird. it must be, suddenly dealing with a whole slew of mess youve never had to. like, by all means, very trivial things, but odd nonetheless.

like, you ever think about how weird it is to stop perceiving time so slow? just, eventually, slowly but surely, there's this... quiet. this silence. and its silence, it creeps up on you-- it doesnt announce its arrival. how relieving must that have been? to stop or slow down and realize: its quiet. nothing is firing off in the back of your head-- after all, youve spent your entire life juggling anything and everything at all times-- how must it suddenly feel to truly and finally just... sit. and wait. and have nothing happen?

...and then theres The Issues. again, it must be really strange, suddenly seeing everything at full speed. processing and storing information at a much much slower rate than youre used to. and then there's the whole New Senses and New Processes thing-- which presents a state i like to refer to as the Reverse Time Dilation. congrats! everything is simultaneously so much more and so much less engaging than youre used to, which somehow conjoins into being both Very Understimulating and Very Overstimulating. at the same time. all of the sudden. so yknow, fun things.

like yeah you could explain away a lot of this but at the same time i cant help but imagine moments off-screen where angela simply has to take a moment and just turn off a while face down on the desk because Everything All The Time and also fuck she can hear herself breathing just. all the time now. that's just all the time? you can just feel your clothes on you all the time? and lying down, her breath is warm and thats nice, but also its warm and that is so, so annoying with everything else going on too.

or like, how quickly she mustve been able to come to conclusions and process information, and now she has to slow down considerably because well. the fallible human mind misremembers, makes mistakes, forgets. which is the point, but also ugh. uuuuuughhhhh.

all in all, Angela's Kind Of Annoying But Ultimately Not That Bad ... whatever that can be called.

[louisisalarrie]

i've been reading your posts about industry topics and the current h & b*n situation (and the az*offs) and i just can't comprehend how someone can sell their voice and values and morals for money? to continue their career? it just seems so money-hungry to me yk? and weak-minded, i don't want to sound rude because i don't know everything about the whole situation but yeah. i get having a dream, wanting to fulfil that dream and once one has it its hard to let go but how can one just turn off one's consciousness, ignore it all? for money, fame, a dream? my biggest dream is to be a model, i got castings and offers but i'd rather not achieve that dream if that means supporting a system that glorifies anorexia, is fatphobic etcetc, i was 17 back then. it was so easy to choose my morals. idk i'm rambling sorry for that, i just had this in my head. also when he does say political stuff etcetc why is he also supporting people like w*nstok az*offs etc? you cant be an ally and concurrently support antis yk... i mean yk ok i'll. stop rambling sorry for my english, not my first language :/

Don’t apologise for rambling, and certainly not your English!!! It’s fantastic, and thank you for sending this in!!

I think the modelling industry has been exposed for its problematic issues to the wider public a lot earlier on than the music industry has. Sure, both industries are very messy, but it’s a lot easier to point out “oh the modelling industry is fatphobic/encourages eating disorders” than “the music industry is corrupt and artists are forced to be closeted and overworked to the point of taking adrenaline shots before shows and barely ever actually seeing any of their own money the whole time” for the general public, because a lot of them just don’t have the awareness of how bad the music industry truly is, unless they’ve done research, been in this fandom (or one similar), or have come across info on social media about it, which is happening more and more these days. The technology to now communicate to massive groups of people and expose people/industries/artists and everything is an excellent tool to encourage change. The modelling industry has certainly seen a shift, and the music industry is slowly moving a bit as well. It’s just… an absolute mess though.

At the end of the day, they were kids who auditioned for a singing show because their mums encouraged them to, and they had no idea what was gonna happen if they did “make it”. Shooting to fame from the X Factor where you already get a huge amount of PR from being on TV, as opposed to working your way up slowly and seeing how it works, and understanding what you want, and choosing labels/managers etc. to work with who you know for a fact aren’t gonna do what Coward did, is just vastly different. I didn’t understand so much about the industry until I was already in it. And those kids were locked in with contracts, groomed, and thrown into the spotlight. And now they’re men. And we know they are good guys. But… it’s not as simple as just dropping everything to stand up for what you believe in, ya know?

I mean, obviously all the great stuff that they love about their job they want to keep, but they’re also tied up to a million contracts. So it’s actually a really long legal process to cut ties with it all without going entirely bankrupt/sued/having your whole career ruined. It’s very yikes but they’re already in the thick of it, and at the top of it. So yeah. Even just speaking up could mean a breach of contract. It is very disappointing he’s not at the very least cut off W*nston though.

Both industries are profiting at the expense of young hopefuls, both industries have produced incredibly inspiring and fantastic people, and both industries have burnt people out to nothing. It’s extremely frustrating to watch.

[daubigny-stan]

i watch a lot of youtube because i do not like having nothing on in the background lest i consume myself with my own thoughts. one of my most watched genres is fashion youtube. i've been watching fashion youtube since highschool, back in 2016-2017. and from watching all those yearly trends, thrift flips, and hauls, i've come to the conclusion that if i ever want to do youtube, i would not start until ive got a dayjob and like... robust self-esteem. age 27 AT LEAST.

so let me take you through my thought process. the queen of fashion youtube at the time was Ashley bestdressed. she did thrift hauls, thrift flips, outift inspos, the whole shebang. i think she was college - fresh graduate age when her channel was at peak popularity? and in 2020 she just dipped. disappeared. she makes content for ig only now and is working for many major fashion houses (good for her!). she vanished for a variety of reasons, in her videos she has always talked about her mental health struggles, having a stalker so she had to move a couple times during covid nonetheless, and honestly having the worst fanbase. i was on bestdressed reddit and discord at the time, these fans were horrible.

now, the most popular girlies on fashion youtube are kathleen illustrated, beepworld, mina le, and steal the spotlight (although im sorry to say in numbers not doing nearly as well as ashley; give em a watch if you're into fashion!). many of them started around the same time citing Ashley as a big influence. here i want to compare these creators to Ashley, not to incite hate but to understand what makes a healthy and sustainable content creator career.

I think age and career are a big factor because although social media content creation is usually a young man's job (because young people can keep up with trends and what not), the social part of social media is grueling. the horror of being known times like. a million. in ashley's case she had 3 million subscribers. and when you're around 21-25 ish you are the most insecure you will ever be. at least for me, i hope (im 22 now). so not only was ashley most likely struggling (she was very open about it, she made a lot of self deprecating jokes) but her biggest demographic was people her age who's insecurities were probably fueled by her content. like i will stress, im NOT blaming ashley, but like. 20 year olds watching another 20 yr old live her best life? oh my god the jealousy. the insecurity. it didn't help that she was so relatable and humble about it, i think we get more jealous of other people's success the closer they are to us (why i dont look at my personal instagram anymore lol). badabing badaboom parasocial relationship and 3 million people watching your every move and critiquing every bit of it. her fanbase had THE most baseless critiques. disguising her rich background or whatever, hating on her for being privileged (which she recognized a lot btw), literally going incel mode and making comments about every inch of her body, the only critique that holds up is prob the amazon video which she deleted. also she was not white which i think people were very weird about. i cant deny that her white contemporaries got much less hate.

what works with the creators now is some of them have careers outside of youtube and are also less personal with their content. for example, kathleen illustrated has a career in the creative industry which means she mostly does youtube for fun. you can tell it's not a source of stress for her, from the way she is in her videos. they also don't really talk about their lives in a personable way which separates them from their audience. now i know this point in particular in contentious, authenticity and relatability are huge selling points on youtube. but i guess it's more of analyzing the costs and benefits of it? is it worth to put your whole life out there? showing your boyfriend, your girlfriend, your friends? what if you split up? you can have a personable aura without revealing private details. in mina le's videos, since most of them are video essays she has the opportunity to show off her personality without revealing private details.

i hope the creators i mentioned and others don't have to go through what ashley bestdressed has gone through. i know content creation is a very passion filled career and to end up in circumstances where you lose your love for it sounds awful

[tiredhawks]

Lmao, call me petty but I want Hawks to keep some of his win records, it's sad enough Hori decided he was past his prime at 23, and YET this man is going toe to toe with AFO while disabled (which is his QUIRK) with nothing but two katanas and swung hard enough to BREAK the steel. And now he's going to fight AFO in his prime. All Might could never. I hope AFO stays there the whole time, getting rewinded until he turns into a toddler and Hawks just punts him into the sun. Let Deku's legacy be saving Shigaraki's heart, let Hawks' new legacy be decapitating AFO and bullying toddler demon lords. Anyways this got away from me, but we don't actually know which half of the year Hawks debuted right? For all we know, it could've been his birthday, April as is the new school year and when Mt. Lady did, so technically, it's up in the air how quickly after he turned 18 that he hit the top ten, and so it is unknown how quickly Deku would have to be to break that record. Hawks could have a week earlier on him for all we know.

Anon you are going to make me write a literal essay here. I 100% agree. I think people severely overlook how crazy Hawks' accomplishments were too. People make similar comments about 1a's big three doing what Hawks did. And honestly they won't. Endeavor has insanely powerful fire quirk, the will, and is work obsessed. He did not do what Hawks did. He was the second youngest, I think? But there is still a few years difference there. So how would Bakugo or Shoto be in a different situation? Realistically, they wouldn't. They would ascend the ranks quickly, but not in the way Hawks did.

Izuku is a special case because he is All Might's successor and the world is desperately missing All Might. But at this moment, people don't actually know that. And winning the war is a huge accomplishment, but there is a limit to how much that can boost him overall. It's a point scale, not an arbitrary number handed out. And here's the thing- they are first year students. No matter what happens, they cant be pro heroes as students. That's several years of lag for public attention to die out and other things to happen. We can't assume what does or doesn't happen in those years. We also shouldn't forget that Izuku is kinda unpopular right now. We just had an arc where people gathered outside UA to not let him back in. The civilians in MHA don't see the world we see, the fights we do, or what these kids are dealing with. There's too much going on here to say yes or no. Could Izuku do it? Possibly, but I don't think it's as likely as people act. Does he deserve it? Obviously, he's literally going to save Japan. But the hero ranking is a process and I still think it's important the narration says "how I become the greatest hero" and not the number 1. This isn't a is Izuku better than Hawks comparison, it's a discussion of how hero ranking works.

(Not to mention the commission is fucked up right now and it seems the way everything is headed is that there won't be ranks anymore at all.)

Hawks had very unique circumstances considering he was literally groomed since 7 years old to fill this role. He had the personality, the looks, the knowledge, and a quirk that makes him extremely extremely extremely active. He is a workaholic to an unhealthy amount. THAT is how he climbed the ranks impossibly fast. There was not a single second he wasnt scoring popularity points or activity points, or both at the same time. And that WASNT. GOOD.

We don't WANT that. Hawks broke records because he was in a situation that was the product of everything fucked with hero society.

That's the point of his character. Hawks worked and worked and was handsome with the perfect quirk and broke records and made girls swoon- and Keigo didn't exist. Keigo was not a person. Hawks the hero was the only thing there. The entire point of his character is to show the problem with hero society and to have people go "my fav will break his record lol" IT DOES INDEED IRK ME A LITTLE BIT. And you addressed this by mentioning Hawks being last his prime at 23. That is so incredibly depressing and people just gloss over what it actually means. Izuku is supposed to be healthy, have a life, have friends, have off time. He's not supposed to be in this war at all or have this pressure. And before anyone goes "girl, it was a joke TikTok" listen, this isn't about the TikTok anymore. This is an attitude and thought process I have repeatedly seen in this fandom. Oh my god I'm just going to make another post about Hawks' work this is so long

[inkykeiji]

random question! but I know all your iterations cant really process their feelings and have mood swings. but if they get in a fight with their reader, how long do their mood swings or "anger" towards reader last? like for example, tnii reader after the tomura incident, yes he branded her but did he constantly bring it up until one day he was like fuck it?

ooh good question!!!

canon dabi holds grudges like a fucking pro, which means pretty much all of my iterations of dabi hold grudges very well.

tw: toxic relationships, stepcest

i’m just going to go over my three main iterations of dabi, but if you’re interested in the twins + dark academia dabi + 1950s dabi or any other characters let me know!! <3

in terms of touya-nii and the specific example you’re using, i’ve mentioned it before but it’s something he uses as emotional ammunition against reader for a long time. he doesn’t constantly hold it above her head on a daily basis (though it does take him a decent amount of time to truly and fully accept it and move on) but he does bring it up each and every time they get in a fight, purely to hurt her, to make her feel guilty and to get under her skin, and to elevate himself in the argument. he pulls this stunt for at least a year or so, until he’s more or less finally come to terms with it in the most complete sense (meaning he accepts that it’s happened, he acknowledges that it’s in the past and there’s nothing he can do to change it, he trusts his baby fully again, and he’s sick and exhausted from holding onto it any longer. it will always bring a slight sting whenever he thinks of it, so he prefers not to, but touya-nii even with all of his issues thoroughly processing and understanding his emotions and the emotions of others is far from stupid. he may have difficulty forming meaningful and long-lasting connections with 97% of people, but he does understand human emotions and how they work on a deep and complex level irregardless of the fact that he rarely experiences these himself. point being: eventually, after several conversations with his baby, he comes to terms with why she did what she did, and he accepts that it was purely to hurt him + get back at him, and not because she wanted something or someone else. this is when he will finally let it go).

bmb dabi is the worst to be in a fight with, by far, if he believes you are the one in the wrong, or if he believes you’ve wronged him. he is extremely immature about it all and he will stay angry at you for however long he believes is warranted, depending on the severity of the offence in his eyes (which is, of course, always disproportionate to the actual offence committed). he expects you to grovel and beg for his forgiveness, on your knees with tears in your eyes and fingers tugging at the hem of his sweater and scratching at his thighs, and he expects you to do this several times, until he thinks it’s sufficient enough. he expects you to offer to make it up to him, to plead and cry and promise to make it all better, and to do whatever he says for however long he says to do it without a single word of complaint or a sour look. only when he thinks you’ve done enough and atoned for whatever sin you committed against him will he begin to forgive you. it’ll still take time, even then, for you to fully regain his favour and, like touya-nii, he is definitely not against using your mistake against you whenever he wants to—this includes outside of other fights, as well, to guilt you into doing things you may not want to necessarily do. bmb dabi is extremely emotional and explosive, and this translates into how he handles fights and mistakes as well.

honestly, tag dabi is probably the most mature out of the three, and i feel like this is evident throughout his series as a whole. he tries his best to be understanding with his reader (though, of course, it’s important to keep in mind that this stems from both a place of ‘love’ and a place of sheer manipulation) and when she does disobey him he has his initial outburst of pure, potent fury, but then he calms down and can usually think about it rationally and/or figure out how he can use this incident to his advantage.

as such, tag dabi is also a lot more sly and sneaky with his fighting and his anger. if he’s really pissed off at you, and he wants to make you pay—make you hurt the way he’s hurting, make you atone for what you’ve done to him—he is going to do it in the most inconspicuous yet cruel way. he’s going to have you questioning your sanity, he’s going to have you in tears without you even fully understanding why you’re feeling so terrible, he is going to use your love for him and your trust in him against you as his strongest weapons. but he wouldn’t resort to such severe methods unless he thinks you genuinely ‘deserve it’—which is to say, you’d have to really fuck up for him to employ such methods.

[wisteria-lodge]

unBurnt Lion primary + burnt badger secondary (Bird model)

Hi there! I hope you wouldn't mind sorting me! Sorry in advance if this gets long, and obviously you can delete it and all that.

Im not entirely sure about my primary. Ive always been very opinionated about my beliefs and I have dropped people very quickly if they dont agree with things that are important to me, like 2slgbt+ rights or the environment. I also am not really a fan of communities, because I feel like a lot of the time communities will close ranks around bad people in order to keep the peace, and I think thats unfair.

So far, so Lion.

I dont really feel the need to belong anywhere, but I do like having words for what Im feeling,

So far, responsible Lion.

and oftentimes that means Im identified with communities even when I dont want to be.

Hmmm. Interesting. I wonder if there might have been a period of burning in your past. Burnt Lions will sometimes latch onto groups as replacement moralities.

I have been pretty easy to sway with an opinion - especially when I dont understand whats being talked about, and I have bought into some pretty shitty belief systems in the past.

Lion primaries have been known to be *especially* vulnerable to propaganda. Especially if it's something that skips right over logic and goes right for your heartstrings.

I was *so sure* at the time that I was doing the right thing, even though I know now that I wasnt. I wasnt even convinced out of them with logic, either, despite being convinced by "logic" in the first place.

Since you went and put "logic" in air quotes, I feel pretty good about slotting it up into the "propaganda" category. As for the rest... it's hard for a Lion to logic their way out of something. They've got to *feel* their way out.

It was more like this weird feeling that I was being a shitty person and had to stop (im not sure if this helps, but any time i lie i get this twinge in the back of my neck, and sometimes it helps me figure out if im subconciously lying to myself).

So this is so, so Lion that I'm starting to wonder if you've written a Lion ask on purpose and *want* me to tell you Lion. :D

It took a few weeks and I kind of floundered the whole time after I realized I had been in the wrong, but looking back I can point out little things that had been bugging me that I think just built up until I couldnt ignore it anymore. I think from the outside it looked like a did an 180° turn, and it felt like it at the time, but im very bad at listening to myself and had felt Really Bad for quite some time leading up to the moment I chose to leave. I feel like im still working through a lot of that and trying to be better.

You're doing real good. I think that you had a fairly burned primary for a while, and that's what's messed up up.

(I feel a hell of a lot of guilt about ever believing it in the first place though, and it makes me think that if I have a moral compass its probably really defective, because I shouldnt have ever bought in to any of it. I dont think being in a bad place excuses it either, because it was just wrong all the way down.)

You're not psychic, and your moral compass is fine (although it might not feel that way right now.) Lions take in information just like Birds do, and they can take in faulty information just the same. Only, they process it differently, and favor different kinds of input.

But, doing a serious 180 as a Lion is... like you describe. A long time coming. Very emotionally messy. And the actual transition takes a non-zero amount of time as well.

A really big aspect of my life is my spirituality, and Ive definitely been pretty quick to study and practice anything that seems like it might fit (so long as its not a closed practice, obviously!). Nothing has ever really felt right to me, either because the art and music don't match how I feel about it or because I feel like some really shitty things are in the belief system and I cant stand by and let that happen again. Its like, Im waiting for this "click" to happen and nothing Ive participated in has ever given me that feeling. I cant even describe it properly with words, but I know what Im looking for, I just dont know where it is, which is really frustrating.

Hmm. I wonder if any existing spiritual community is ever going fit you 100%, especially since you're a bit of a loner. You're aloud to use the parts that work for you, and idk - make your own art/music that reflects how you feel.

But this section is making me think a little of the sort of Burnt Lion secondary who needs help/support propping up their own felt impulses, and goes out looking for an existing community/ philosophy that matches perfectly. And then will inevitably be disappointed when their *thing* doesn't match them exactly. I'd keep an eye on that impulse. After all, nothing human-made is completely flawless.

For my secondary, im pretty awful at social situations (thanks neuodivergency!)

You started off with some apologies, which started to make me suspect that you might have a burnt secondary... and I'm becoming more convinced.

so I seriously struggle with trying to see how I react in social situations. I definitely script everything because I know that people dont like it if you say the wrong thing or dont follow all of these weird unspoken rules. My scripts are generally more of an outline of what im supposed to say, or like a mental list of rules to remember (people want eye contact, use these words for teachers and these words for friends, that sort of thing).

Yep. Running scripts. Know all about that. The classic neurodivergent Actor Bird secondary.

I find it a lot more relaxing to be with other neurodivergent people, because then I can just chill and don't need the running commentary. I tend to be fiercely independent and I have been told that I dont keep secrets well - Im a bad liar unless its me lying to myself I guess?

That is your primary talking.

- and I know for a fact that im inflexible as all hell and hate suprise changes. I like to know whats happening and why (again, neurodivergency for the win).

That's definitely neurodivergent stuff. Probably autism spectrum (especially combined with running the scripts.)

In terms of more concrete examples for either my primary or my secondary, my special interest is video games so ill just rapid fire some video game stuff. I love games with a grind, because I like seeing my characters get gradually stronger - but I hate minmaxing and I would rather have fun and play my own way then be efficent.

Well this is sounding like some Badger secondary love of consistent effort, versus the Bird secondary 'work smarter not harder.'

I am also willing to cheat the grind a little but only if I think that the original method is dumb.

Badger.

In one game, they wanted you to collect thousands of items in order to upgrade a character, so I just cheated them in because I didnt want to spend hundereds of hours on it. But had it been a slightly more realistic number, i probably would have just done it the normal way (in another game, I was willing to farm for a few hours to get a really nice hat because it was a smaller time commitment and more fun). I really love games that give you a lot of freedom in where you can go and what you can do, and I like finding little secrets that the developers hide around. I tend to be pretty quick to point out fake doors or other things like that, because I love them a lot.

Still Badger.

When I was a kid I really wanted to be a video game tester because I want to just run into walls and jump around levels and stuff.

Hey, maybe you'd like it, but personally I hated being a game tester, because what you've got to do is play stupidly, and badly, and in ways the game was obviously not intended to be played.

I do notice that I tend to play the same character no matter what game I play, and find it hard to really roleplay as anyone that isnt at least kind of like me personality wise. Like obviously theyre pixelated people, but I dont like the idea that Im hiding my opinions from them and telling them what they want to hear.

I suspect this might be more common with Lion primary people.

This is really difficult in games like dragon age, because confronation isnt my strong suit at all. And you cant run away from scripted cutscenes!

mmmm. "Run away" as a default problem solving method sounds pretty burnt secondary to me.

I know I collect information, and I really like learning about the tings Im interested in (video games, religion, mythology, that kinda thing) but if im not interested I just cant work up the drive to do anything with it at all.

This is "preferred task" stuff, and it definitely gets brought into the neurodivergent mix, especially if there are some ADHD-esque tendencies in there.

Its also never come in handy solving a problem. If anything, I feel like when I have problems my first response is to just freeze and then run away

^ burnt secondary.

but if I cant run then I kind of just do whatever I think of first. Theres probably some wheels turning but in the moment a lot of the time im just thinking "aaaaaaaah".

^ burnt secondary.

When I was trying to figure out where I wanted to go to school, everyone in my life was in my head trying to tell me what I should do. I listened to them because I was tired and angry that I didnt have time to think, and ended up being kind of miserable.

That sounds like tired, burnt Lion primary.

I justified to myself in the moment by pretending that I was having fun, but really I spent most of it wishing I had done something else. Now that Im officially graduated, im trying to break into a craeer that I actually want instead of the one I went to school for, and Im proud of myself for trying to be more open about what I want to do and how I want to get there, even if im not entirely sure about the specifics.

Congratulations. Seriously. It sounds like you're doing a *fantastic* job.

Sorry again for the novel, I seriously appreciate you taking the time to read this.

I think you're going to be just fine.

[goji-pilled]

the funny part about path of titans is that i havent and cant focus on one creature and instead try out a few that i grow here and there and now im trying to grow a sarco because im curious about its ambush playstyle

and when i spawned in i was at a pretty good location. small lake, pretty much at the edge of the map, fish, quests near the shore line

except while i was swimming in it i ran straight into an adult sarco and i never scrambled so fast (i ended up escaping and logging out, though no clue if he saw me or not and if he did if he wanted to kill me)

now when i logged in again i ended up going to an island far far in the southwest in the ocean hoping itd be peaceful there except: there was some adult creature (judging by the tail ((which was the only thing i saw)) im guessing it was a suchomimus since its a semi-aquatic and nothing else but them and a thalassodromeus can swim there realistically) and when asked if theyre friendly it turned out there was multiple AND one of them was like "until i get hungry"

so! i got my ass out of there to a homecave in the ocean except theres a fucking kaiwhekea in the distance! everyone seems to hate it and no one plays it but i just had to find the one person that does! and worst of all! it did NOT look small!

so here i am, swimming along the edge behind some hills in the water trying to stay hidden until i got to the cave thank god

at this point i also got my hands on ripping bite (i chose that over lunge since my thought process was it might be better should i get into fights and/or have to defend myself

after that i kept moving forward to the point im currently resting at the northwest of the map where i also bought lunge meaning i could in theory ambush other juvis now. questing has been. eh. so far. but im not too far away from adolescent so thats a win in my book!

the current plan is to journey along the shoreline for now, maybe get some decent quests i can do at the same time, with the endgoal being to head to the very north to a small island and hopefully grow to sub-adult or adult in peace there but. apparently you never know!

during this whole spectacle i have to say though that the sarcos stamina and speed in the water really helped and most off all: the fact that just being in water basically elimates the thirst bar is a fucking blessing like my food drains slow enough that im never in any actual danger of starving when i find fish which means i basically have nothing to worry about. its great fr

and thats the current story of my sarco migration i guess lol!

[the-nerdler]

I wrote my resignation letter or at least the script of what I'm going to say to my boss when I quit. I just can't do anything until I get something else lined up. I've honestly been in the long process of a drawn out break down and I've finally hit the meltdown point. I've been crying like every other day for almost a month now. I've been so just totally drained. And now,I got totally steam rolled by my boss and manager. They pulled me into the conference room this evening for a "conversation" ad I just got accused and steam rolled for the entirety of the convo. I tried to bring up a few of my complaints, and I was met with a lot of "that's just how the heirarchy is" or "I'm sorry you took it that way but I didn't mean it like that, this is just how I talk to everyone. You know how I am." "I'm sorry you took my constructive criticism that way" just completely dismissing me, not hearing me, and making excuses. And it didn't help that I was crying the whole time bc I'm so emotionally and just everything exhausted and I'm a cry baby naturally. Out loud I said "okay." But inside I said "okay I'm quitting this job." My boss is a fantastic mentor and instructor but in his current state of stress and paranoia he is an awful boss. I felt very overlooked, under appreciated, like my time and my boundaries meant nothing. They hired me and pay me a salaried not hourly wage in order to take advantage of my labor. And I'm not even paid enough to sustain myself and they can't pay me more bc the school isn't doing better. They also essentially indicated or at least it felt like they indicated to me that they were fully ready to replace me with this new girl they've hired. Boss told me "she's a 2nd degree black belt so she can help take on instructing and when I asked her if she has anxiety around making phone calls, she said she has no problem at all." And like I'm not a 2nd degree black belt. I've only been training almost a year. I have phone anxiety it's something I've had since I was a child. They think that she can be who they need me to be. Boss looked me in the eye and told me I needed to step up and I said back to him I've tried in the past and currently to take on more responsibility and get told that I'm doing it wrong. They don't take the time to teach me certain things that I should know how to do and already be handling and then get frustrated when I don't know how to do the thing but bcwere now in a time crunch, there isn't any time to teach me. I've had to change and compromise some very vital aspects about myself to meet the demands of this job and I'm just not that kind of person. I cant function in this hustle culture, boomer pull yourself up by your bootstraps bull shit. Im just not that kind of person. And I just can't do this any more. I'm in full on late stage burnout. It's bad. I'm crying and sick what feels like constantly. I haven't felt this awful in years and if I don't make a change right now, I will fully shut down. And so I'm making a change, I'm looking for a new job, im considering other options. I'm getting the fuck out before I fall apart completely because right now I'm barely keeping all the pieces together and moving.

[savethepinecones]

okay folks story time. back in 2019 i was doing freelance captioning for a company i wont name. i was incredibly depressed and had no insurance so i was a) unmedicated and b) unable to work a fulltime job. i was good at typing so i decided to give this company a try. they didnt have set hours to work so i thought that on the days my depression got really bad i wouldnt get in trouble for taking the day off.

i spent a few months working on captioning during my free time and handing out samples at a grocery store on weekends. neither job paid super well but it was better than nothing. the captioning job was fun but paid based on video length rather than time worked. i cant remember for sure but i think it was something like $0.60 per audio minute.

when i first started i thought that seemed reasonable but i quickly realized that between having to pause the audio frequently to type everything out and then going back through to sync the subtitles to the video it would take like half an hour to do a five minute video. i ended up working pretty much every waking hour just to make enough money to pay my rent at the end of the month.

ive always been a perfectionist so my captions were usually very good but that perfectionism also slowed me down. there was also a policy that if audio cut out at any point in the video you had to report it and you wouldnt get paid for it even if youd already spent time captioning the audio that was there. we were able to look at the videos before claiming them but, especially with longer videos, i would usually just listen to a couple seconds around the beginning middle and end. videos got claimed quickly and if i took the time to watch the whole thing someone else would claim it and id have to find something else. there was one time that i had a fairly long video that i captioned most of, only to find out the audio cut out for a while towards the end. i had to send it back and because i didnt finish it, i didnt get paid for any of the work id done on it. this was a problem because like i mentioned earlier i was working more or less constantly in order to make ends meet and id just wasted hours on something i wouldnt get paid for.

tldr the pay was not great and i sometimes wouldnt get paid at all for work i spent hours on.

a few months in, i got a video that was about two hours long and was professionally recorded and edited. (this was significant because a lot of the videos i got had really poor audio quality, which meant i had to listen to dialogue a couple times before i figured out what exactly people were saying and i would end up taking longer to finish the project.) at this point i was spending more than 15 hours a day captioning, and still just barely making enough money to get by.

i got to work on the video, occasionally looking up names that were mentioned to make sure i got the spelling right. the company had a policy against sharing publicly what videos we were working on so i wont say specifically what it was, but when i was doing my research i learned that this show had a pretty decent fanbase. this made things easier for me because i could look on the wiki for the spelling of character names and locations etc.

the video itself was about two hours, and i had to pause it frequently because even though ive got a really good typing speed, people still speak faster than i can type. it took me probably about five minutes to caption everything, and i was exhausted so i was making a lot of mistakes. i decided that it would be quicker to leave the errors for the time being and correct them when i was syncing the captions to the audio. i had a while until the deadline to finish the project since it was so long, so i decided that once i was done with the initial captioning, i would take a quick nap so that i could focus more during the syncing process, which had to be very precise.

i ended up oversleeping. when i woke up, i guessed it would take about three hours or so to sync the captions, plus the time correcting typing errors or words id misheard the first time around. i was looking at probably about 8 hours worth of work, which was less time than i had left on the deadline. if i didnt submit the project by the deadline, the video would go to someone else and i wouldnt get paid for anything id done on it. it was close to the end of the month and i knew that even if i worked around the clock, without the money from this job i wouldnt be able to pay the next months rent. i knew that i wouldnt be able to corrext all the typos in time, but in my mind missing rent was about equivalent to the end of the world. (i was maybe 20 at the time and thought that if i didnt pay rent on time i would immediately be kicked out of the house or smth. im a very anxious person and especially at the time would tend to jump to the worst case scenario.)

i decided to work on the project as much as i could until time was up, and then submit it as is. i didnt feel good about it but it felt like the best play for me. without the money from this project, i wouldnt be able to make rent even if i started working on something else right away.

i felt especially bad because i knew this was a video that would get a lot of views, which meant my shoddy work would be seen by a lot of people, but i didnt have the time to deliberate. i decided to sync the captions first, then spend the rest of the time i had correcting typos. i managed to sync everything before the deadline but i was far from fixing all the errors when my time ran out. i submitted it anyways. the project was far below my own standards, let alone the company's, but at least i would get paid for the two hours of video. if i kept working every day for the rest of the month, i would be able to just make enough to cover rent.

i only did captioning for a total of six months or so. in december i got so burnt out that i couldnt work at all, and when i finally recovered i decided to start looking for something else. (the job i ended up with still didnt pay great and they kept cutting my hours but at least i wasnt working around the clock. plus it was a homecare position, which in early 2020 meant i could sometimes get free meals as an essential worker. i ate a lot of mcdonalds that spring.)

most of the videos i captioned have been long since forgotten, but there are a couple i remember. one was a lesbian christmas movie that i was so excited to be a part of, in whatever small way. there were also a couple id done for a local tv station a couple states over. but the one that stands out the most in my memory is the one i submitted incomplete.

id been expecting the company that submitted the video to complain, but i never heard anything. i expected they probably wouldnt continue to come to us for captions at the very least. i never did see another of their videos in the queue, but its possible that i just wasnt checking the queue when the videos were posted. theres no way for me to know for sure.

its been several years since then and i still think about that video sometimes. how many people i must have disappointed. the show was one that i could definitely have enjoyed, but my guilt kept me far away from it. i was scared that if i checked out the fandom, it would be full of people criticizing the horrible captioning on that one episode. recently, though, i decided to give it a try. the latest season was coming out and it seemed really interesting. i watched that and enjoyed it (the seasons are nonlinear so i didnt need to watch it from the beginning to understand it) and decided to take a peek at the fandom.

(it didnt escape my notice that the captions were formatted slightly differently than the way the company id worked for used. theyd definitely gone somewhere else for captioning. i suspect theyve hired someone instead of outsourcing. the captions have a personal touch that indicates theyre done by someone familiar with the series.)

to my horror, there were some mentions of the captions from past seasons, mostly commenting on how much theyve improved since then. ive watched the first couple seasons now and i did notice that a lot of names and terminology were misspelled early on but i havent come across the episode i did yet. im hoping someone redid the captions on my episode, although i feel bad that they likely had to pay for the same thing twice. the good news is that im a paying subscriber, so eventually ill have paid them back what i was paid for the botched captions. that eases my conscience a little.

the reason im sharing this is to first of all apologize to the fandom, even though i cant name it specifically. you guys deserved better captions than what i gave you. i also think its an example of how important it is to pay people a living wage. among many other reasons, the quality of work suffers when staff are overwhelmed, whether by financial stress or overworking or both.

i dont think i need to say this, but just to be clear, i dont blame the people who sent the video in. they didnt set my wages. and i know their company has been vocal about paying all employees a living wage. which means whoever is doing the captioning now is certainly getting paid what theyre worth. im glad they dont have to deal with something similar to what i went through.

this post ended up being a lot longer than i expected and im not really sure how to end it. saying something lighthearted seems like it would trivialize the regret im trying to express. i guess ultimately i just want to finally say sorry.

[manifesting-mari]

Morning Pages 2/3/2023

I’m realizing now the shame that i feel, basically everyday moving through my body. I feel shame basically all of my waking life, but i choose not to focus on it and just keep buying it down. Well i dont feel it every moment, but i do have a shame complex and a comparing complex. I realize the ways jealous is a big part of my experience with myself and with others. I feel jealously just like anyone else, but i’ve always denied it. Im happy that now i can express it and truthfully point out that its here. 

Being able to point out the feelings that are present in me has been such a big help in me discovering myself. All of those feelings are a part of me and being able to point them out allows them to be seen and enables me to create a relationship with the different parts of me.

I’m starting to separate the shame i feel from the groundedness i feel in my magick. When i live my life as if i am magic i feel stronger, more powerful. Like im finally taking my place in the cosmos. When I deny my magick i feel separate. Maybe my magick is just my connection with divinity. Which in turn is my connection with all things. It feel good to feel a part of this whole. Knowing that i am a small fragment of this bigger consciousness, but also an important part, or i wouldnt be here. 

I’ve felt so much shame about my body and the person that I am. Im still processing it all and also processing the physical abuse i’ve experienced. 

I got distracted by Leah who sent me a reel. I miss her. I miss sharing space with someone else. I liek having someone around, but i also like having my own space. Me and jordan were talking about living together at one point, and i just dont know about that. Thats seems like a lot of processing for me. It seems so lesbian to move in together so quickly, but theyve become a very important person in my life very quickly. I truly appreciate them and want to make sur eim not creating a situation out of loneliness and desperation. 

But that does bring up the shame around my body. When i feel body shame i kinda just dive deeper into my vices. 

Literally every time i start talking about my body i get distracted. Ugh. this is a hard spot for me. My body and my body issues. The worthiness that i feel around my body. I feel like im not worthy because im fat. I feel like im fat because im not a good person taking care of myself, and i feel shame for not taking care of myself. Ugh. what a cycle. Its all dug in so deeply. The shame is so deep to where even when im actively telling myself that i am always worth of love and there is nothing wrong with me i dont even believe it. 

I can see the ways where im still looking for validation from outside of me. I want that validation. Why cant i give that validation to myself. Or why is it that when i try to validate myself i dont believe it. I’m trying to be slow and compassionate with myself and allow myself to be loved by me bit by bit. I do feel the part pf me that thinks i need to get this done now. Like im running out of time. I’m actually in a really good spot. Im in a place where i know who i am, i know whats here, i’m open to discovering more, and im open to changing my views in order to support the whole. 

Shame isnt bad, its just here. Pain isnt bad its just here. Its all here. Every part of me deserves to be loved. Every part of me is here to be loved and to start working together. Im feeling the urge to smoke right now, im wondering what part of me is that. The part of me that doesnt wanna feel on this earth? The part of me that likes feeling ungrounded? Im not sure. I like that i live in discovery. 

Why are my morning pages so hard to write today? Maybe its because im a little out of practice. I remember reading in a little document about self care for creatives that the author didnt have consistency in her practice until about 4 years in. that makes me feel better because i like JUST started. I really do feel like a new life started for me every since i started going to Stop 43. Like, i wanna be able to do all the exciting things i’ve always wanted and live life with playfulness and joy. I want this all to be a game. So these morning pages are part of the points i can accumulate. I dont get point taken, only added. And maybe each month i can calculate how many points i just just to quantify. That makes sense. And then ill use my podcast to summarize the previous month. I should post that on monday. Ill record on sunday. 

I keep thinking about doing the OF and i know im thinking of it because im desperate for money, but also im working through a lot of body stuff now. Im thinking about the value judgements im putting on sex work. Its still the “its ok for other people but not for me” thing and i dont know why thats there. What is it that doesnt feel aligned? I know a lot of it is personal conditioning. A lot of it is from living this double life where sex and being sexual was prosecuted but then also celebrated. This is the problem i have. These different truths that live inside me. The truth hat feels better is the one that is not attached to shame. The one that is a healthy expression of my sexual side. I like when other people think i’m hot. I like when other people like me. I get off on that. What was the thing that i said to jordan the other day?

Once i was getting a massage by a male masseuse and i was moaning so much at one point he was like “ugh i love you”. And i wasnt turned on by him, but i was turned on by the fact that he was turned on by me.

I think the shame around my body and others bodies are just projections from what other people put on me. I actually transcend the body and am attracted to the energy. But lets not get it twisted, i do have two working eyes and am definitely attracted to peoples bodies. And for it it doesnt matter what gender they adhere to or not. A sexy person is a sexy person for me. That can be a combination of body and spirit. I think some people out here just have a sexy spirit. Like, yo, you got a spirit i wanna get myself intertwined with to create a cosmic connection that transcends time and space, you know?

I’ve been really horny these past few days. Like. i wanna get fucked, but not just by anyone. Im really gonna invest in a fuck machine. I just love getting fucked. But man, i really fo love getting fucked by the right person. Like, having them inside me and they knowing exactly what to hit. That makes shit amazing for me. I can feel them and i want them inside me right now. 

God im horny af lol. Maybe if i exercise and work out itll help me move that energy around. I do need to work out. I havent yet this week, which is alright. My body has been really sore an dim happy to give it the break it needs. Once im done with typing these pages i’ll work out and then eat breakfast. Im prolly gonna smoke before i workout just so i can relax into my stretches. My body feels much looser since Jordan gave me that massage. Shit that was so fucking hot. I love the parameters and not being able to turn around and kiss him. That was hot. Ugh. theres this sexual tension that i feel when i think about them. Fuck man. I was thinking about Mira the other night and totally getting off. Fuck i am so lucky they like and and also so lucky they like to fuck me. 

Damn. im craving pizza rn. But i have all those eggplant slices i fried up. Those were really good. Im grateful to have so much yummy food in my fridge and i need to make sure i eat them. I keep consuming and having things in my fridge that im not eating. And i know when jordan comes we will end up ordering more food lol. I wonder what the food and the sex and the drugs are helping to fill. Comfort? Probably. Ive always delt with feeling uncomfortable in my skin. Thats been changing as i choose to be in space where i can be vulnerable. I love spaces where i can just drop my guard and relax. Im grateful for trusting and safe space.

Fuck man, i cant wait for spring to hit, i’ll be at the beach the MOMENT it hits 70 degrees. It looks like thats in May. I’m excited for the summer. Summer always hits for me. I cant wait for the wedding work, and the beach, and the explorations i’ll get to do on the outsides in nature. Im grateful for the exciting life i have and i know itll keep getting better. I’m excited to learn and grow more. Ok. time to smoke and work out!

[lokbobpop]

So i see i need to start a writing/block something i can write everyday to open up points about myself to see where im not acting or should i say i am acting lol so this is it i started on paper and just did come to about and i only wrote two days which did nothing for my process. Which is the most import thing in my life and that of others around me, that i get my shit together and process these ridiculous thoughts that arent really me and live my words for real.

So i was once told i had a deep ingrained pattern to compare myself and i can see this about myself with the flickering of photo like shots to my mind triggering myself to go into these states of comparison and to tell you the truth ive had enough, the other thing that just come up is that am i going to write this as im telling someone, like im writing as i am now im telling you but should it be im telling myself !!! Interesting thoughts that is. Ill try both i think say it as it is in the moment.

If you didnt know by now im dyslexic and i will use others words miss words and generally not make sense, but i plan to make the best i can, not that i will read it again but i want it to make sense in case i did or someone wanted to. I know i can do better when it comes to writing so i will try to make it more eligible.

So where did i get to ? Yes comparison let’s start on this shit and make my life better where i just dont compare anymore it just doesnt bother me.

So what happens is a flash of a person will come up when im thinking about something i want to do or buy i see a person who i think is better than myself come to the mind, then the ball is off i compare until ive put myself in the upper position i can feel it in me write now as i write this its like i cant wait to sinks its teeth in me lol yes so this is how it works for me, first lets say i see an item i want to but and it associated this a person lets say a chair comes up, this person comes up and i think would this person like this ? Would this person desire this? If yes i think i must have it, so i can be better, have something they dont and so they might even be jealous of what ive got because im sure jealous of what they have !!! See that point im jealous of the person i also see spite come up im my wanting to be better which isnt a very nice feeling but i want to be as self honest as i could.

So what can i do ? Well i can do self forgiveness 100% i will speak it out as i feel sound the words helps tremendously and this being the whole point of this exercise to sound out my words in self forgiveness as this is who i am who i live to be, to ever forgive myself the wrong ive done mostly to myself.

What else can i do? Well writing out each event as they come up maybe not all in the moment as it wont be possible to, but to write them out before bed maybe or in the day when i can.

Anything else ? Yes create a word to live by that i can stand with to support myself to help move throught the moment and gain my own self back and not be in possesion of the mind。

Anything else? Yes i can connect to the physical with breathe four count breathing to stable myself this should be the first thing i do, to get back to my physical this is a very important part of the process, bringing it back to my physical by breath by feeling my fingers feeling my toes.

So lets get started as i want to walk this pattern for this week maybe longer until i have a handle on the problem, I know it will come up months down the line as i know how the mind works lol its not going to let go that easy lol so first i need a word to live in this moment when it happens..

So i ask myself “what word can i use to support myself when i go into a comparison with another, ? well the first word that comes up was grace so im going to so with myself here and trust that this word will support me.

Dictionary for of the word ; a quality of moving in a smooth, relaxed, and attractive way:

What comes up for me in this word is something to do with religion like to say grace, so i see i have this stigma to it, i will apply self forgiveness in spoken word before i move on ……….. so grace for me is to slow down take my time, sink back into myself with grace what my thoughts gracefully with out judgement of myself, to be soft on myself to hold myself gently in these moments find the grace within my, so i cant stop the comparison which is also spit, jealously, the desire to be better, wanting to win some sort of imaginary race that ive made up within myself i need to win come what may, like if i have all i desire before i die ive won wtf basically what was the point of all that none what so ever lol how funny is that.

So all what I’ve written ive know this about myself for some years now and ive just sat on my laurels and procrastinated away days month years not getting to the bottom of this one thing im not happy about myself, and i want to change, i know i can do it it just take me to stand up within myself to do it, and that it basically.

So here i go grace.

[slashersangel]

•poke• can i request something pwease? :0

Don't call me cringe 🙄 aight? But, y'know those stories where the vampire gets the human chick pregnant and they were like "oh ..well I never I could do that, hurray new addition" n right? :D I beg for poly lost boys (you may include michael this time) and soft fem reader headcanons or maybe this can be a drabble/oneshot maybe? anywayd I wanna know how they will react to their soft fem s/o being pregnant and it's one of theirs owo ♡♡ Like maybe david is like mad bc he's like "we are vampires, we cant reproduce. Who have you been with?" etc

Thank you bye, sorry if its too much or something but thank you ♡♡ :D

ooooh i hate pregnancy tropes (if you saw the bo sinclair posts no you didnt) but for youuu I guessss i can do it, just this once…..

tw!: very brief talk of sa!

Poly!Lost Boys + pregnant s/o!

You had missed your period, at first you thought it was just a fluke and you’ll get it soon, but the whole month was filled with anxiety just waiting for your period to come.

The boys could sense it, and smell the anxiety all over you. They tried asking what was wrong but was immediately shot down with a lame excuse about family or friends. They tried taking your mind off the fact, but nothing seemed to work.

It wasn’t until you had to cancel on them that night for them to he really concerned. In reality, you had to go a get a pregnancy test, a month and a half without getting your period.

You did and it came out positive, to simply put, you were not ready for it to be positive. You had a panic attack to say the least. When the boys pulled up to your house, they could smell your fear and anxiety from a mile away, so they quickly made their way inside and to your bedroom.

Michael, Paul and Marko checked all around the house while David and Dwayne went straight to your room to find you coming down from your attack.

They kept asking you what was wrong but you refused to tell them, it wasn’t until the others came back, Michael holding the pregnancy test in his hand. Now, they’ve all watched their fair share of your favorite movies, which so happened to have a couple of explanations of, or the tests in them, that and you had to explain to Paul when he was utterly confused.

David stormed over to Michael and ripped the test out of his hand, then he went back over to you, he was upset, but not fuming yet. He was asking questions, not accusing you of cheating, but asking if you did or had been with anyone else, how long you have known.

When you didn’t answer how he wanted, that’s when he started to get pissed. If you had cheated, he just wanted you to come clean as simple as that. He’d find the person and they’d have a horrible death, and of course he’d have to teach you a lesson, but as long as you knew that you always belonged to him, he’d understand if you wanted to explore your options. (not really but you get the point)

But when you swore you didn’t cheat, he saw red. He thought you were lying, hell they all did, they were all angry in their own way as well and they all thought none of them could get you pregnant, so it had to be someone else. Someone that wasn’t them.

Maybe, in their mind, you, their sweet precious girlfriend, who could never do any harm, were taken advantage of. You’d easily help anyone, and with your softness, anyone could harm you without any of the boys with you, and the thought of that had them fuming,

Then, Dwayne, the ever so smart on, recalled what Max had told them before he died. A half vampire can get a human pregnant, it was rare but could happen. Then he announced it to the room. David, who couldn’t see past the blinding rage at first, didn’t hear it. But then it sunk in. Michael hadn’t fully turned yet, you were still human, and you and Michael had definitely done the deed many times, last month for example.

You had said you had your suspicions for about a month, so everything adds up. Everyone had their own moment to process everything. The boys didn’t think they wanted a baby, Michael on the other hand, yeah he was still young, but if you wanted one, he’d be such a good dad.

Paul and Marko barely remembered the last time they had took care of one, if he ever did. Dwayne just remembered Laddie, who went with Star once Max died. And David didn’t want a kid running around, especially in the cave, which was no place for a young child.

You were the first one to speak. They heard a soft, “Please don’t hate me.” come out of your mouth and they all broke, immediately coming to your side and telling you words of affirmation to get you to stop the sobs coming past your lips. They kissed all your tears away.

They come to terms with you being pregnant fairly quickly. If you want to keep it them they won’t say anything about it, if you don’t, they’ll accept that too.

And David apologizes for yelling at you once the two of you were alone, which causes you to cry all over again because he was just so mean, and how could he ever assume that you’d cheat! That was so rude! Which he had to promise not to yell at you again (good luck with that) and he had to make it up to with you all the cuddles and kisses you wanted. Even as a vampire; he knew not to piss off a pregnant lady.

dont ask for a part two i will not make one<3 hope you liked it cause i didn’t >:(