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[junkratsloverat]

22 and Cullen from the kiss prompts? (toogay)

22.  a kiss that is leading to more, but is interrupted by a third party

this is such a cute idea, tysm @toogayforthistoday​!! :3 sorry for taking so long, i got distracted by the ovw event and getting the new emote for jamie lol

i’ve had a college au in my head for a long time now, and this is the first time i’ve written for it; hopefully it’s ok sjkdhfsldfs

length: 8563 characters ; 1570 words

warnings: gets a little steamy ｜−・;） nothing explicit tho!

[ more kisses! ]

     “...it’s 72, love.”

     “Right, that’s what I said.”

     “You wrote 82.”

     “No I didn- yeah I did. Dammit.” I mumbled, fixing the mistake. “Why did I do that?”

     Cullen shrugged, leaning over to rest his head on my shoulder. “Come on. What’s the next one?”

     I glanced at the clock beside my bed. We’d been trying to put a dent in my math homework for a solid three hours, but it didn’t feel like any of it was sticking, even with Cullen’s best efforts. Granted trying to study on my bed with our backs against the wall may not have been the best place to try, but my dorm had the quiet of a library without the social anxiety of studying around other people. For a few more hours, anyway.

     I sighed, tucking the finished worksheet inside my notebook and hesitantly taking out the next one. “Do we have to do another one?”

     He considered it, but eventually nodded. “Yeah. One more. But if you promise that we’ll finish the rest tomorrow, it can be the last one. Is that fair?”

     “Okaaay...” I rolled my eyes, which got me a Glare. “Whaaat? I told you I hate this stuff.”

     “It’s still important.” He chided, gently elbowing my side.

     “For you, sure. But I’m majoring in art stuff, I ain’t gonna need this.”

     “But what if you did?”

    “...theeeen my super sweet boyfriend would come help me?”

    He laughed, but immediately turned an adorable shade of pink. “Focus, you. A-and don’t look at me like that! Your puppy eyes are unfair.”

    “Psh — have you seen yours?” I asked, hoping to cover up the heat I felt rushing to my face. “You could get the biggest monsters in the Fade to-”

    Cullen planted a chaste kiss to my cheek, cutting that train of thought before it could get anywhere. “Focus. We’re almost done.”

    “R-right!” I nodded, taking a deep breath. “Focusing. Gotcha.”

    He grinned, kissing my temple. “That’s my girl. You’ve got this; just remember what I taught you.”

    Right. Because I was 100% listening the entire time, and never got distracted by how cute you are. Not once.

    “...why are you staring at me? Is everything ok?”

    I nodded, despite knowing my face was turning a brighter shade of red. “Uh huh. Peachy.”

    He smirked, eyeing me curiously. “Would a kiss for every correct answer be better motivation?”

    The speed at which I turned back to my work and started scrawling numbers down on what was left of my scratch paper must’ve been enough of an answer — thankfully, since I wasn’t sure if I could give him a verbal ‘yes’ without my voice going up an octave and looking like a bigger dork than usual. Cullen’s head came to rest on my shoulder again as he watched, gently nudging me or clearing his throat when I’d mix up my numbers. It would’ve been peaceful, if I didn’t have to do math the entire time...

    It took me close to an hour, but the relief that flowed through me as I passed my notebook to Cullen after I’d finished... almost made it worth it. Watching him go through my answers helped, too — his confused head tilt was almost like a puppy’s, and his occasional looks of surprise were super cute, too.

    “Sooo... how’d I do?”

    He hesitated. “Do you want the good news first? Or the bad news?”

    “Uh... bad?”

    “You still missed five of them-” I groaned, burying my face in his arm “-but I think I know why you did.”

    Thankfully, the revision process was much quicker than my original try. Would what he taught me stick this time? It’s debatable, but I wouldn’t put much money on it.

    “Wait, was that the good news?” I asked after we finished fixing everything. “That you knew what part I got so hung up on?”

    Cullen shook his head. “It was that you had the other 25 right. But now that we fixed them, you got all 30.”

    “...riiiight.”

    We sat in silence for a minute as I put my books in my bag and tossed it back to its resting space by the end of my bed. When my attention turned back to Cullen, he was still watching me — smiling, but also like he was waiting for something.

    “...what?”

    He pouted and tossed one of the plushes from my pillows at me, making us both laugh. “Do you want your 30 kisses or not?”

    “OH. Right. I, uh...”

    “Forgot?”

    “Not ‘forgot!’ I just... was so focused on my homework that-”

    “That you forgot.” He giggled. “Maker’s breath — how would you remember anything without me?”

    “I never did,” I admitted, motioning to the perfectly-made bed across the room. “Ask Josie.”

    Cullen shook his head, but he was still smiling. “Come here.”

    I scooted closer to him, resting against the wall again. I started to cross my legs, but he sat up on his knees and planted himself in my lap before I could. We almost bumped foreheads as his hands landed against the wall behind me, turning us both a nice shade of red.

    “Are we still... good?” I asked hesitantly, tilting my head. “’cause I’m still good. Are you? Still, uh...”

    His face softened, smiling as he cupped my cheek and caressed it with his thumb. “Y-yeah. Just a bit... flustered, that’s all.”

    “Ok, cool. Me too.” I giggled, subconsciously resting against his hand. “Should I, like... count these, or...”

    He nodded, brushing my hair away from my face and kissing my forehead, peppering a few more down the side of my face.

    “Right, ok. So that’s one, two, three...”

    “See?” He grinned, kissing my nose. “You are good at math.”

    I snorted. “Dude, I wish. Five- that counted for five, right?”

    “Uh huh.” He cupped my face with both hands, giving my lips a brief kiss. “And that’s six.”

    He quickly pressed his lips to mine again, only pulling away long enough for me to say the next number before drawing me in for another kiss. One of his hands slowly worked its way behind my head, the other guiding my hands to his shoulders, where they probably should’ve been the entire time.

    The kisses kept getting longer, leaving me less time between them to try and remember what number I was supposed to say next.

    “F-fourteen...” I mumbled as he pulled away from my face to trail a few kisses down my neck, “fifffteen—”

    “I told you she’d want boba!! Why the hell did you buy bubbles?!” questioned an upset Cassandra from the hallway outside our dorm.

    “You called it ‘bubble tea’!” was the muffled response, presumably Sera’s. “What else would I get?”

    The whole ruckus caused us both to almost jump out of our skins; Cullen quickly pulled back and stared at me like a panicked deer. “I thought you said they weren’t supposed to be home until later!” he whispered.

    I shrugged, whispering the best reply I had. “Maybe it is later?”

    “Hannah!!”

    “I’m sorry! My blood ain’t exactly rushin’ to my brain right now!”

    “It’s alright, I bought enough for all of us.” Josie piped up from outside, the group’s voices getting louder as they reached our front door. “Could one of you get the door open for me? And, Sera, you know you can’t drink actual bubbles... don’t you?”

    “Pfft! Only if you’re too scared to try.”

    “Ah, mercy-” I mutter, trying to reach for my bookbag, forgetting I’d tossed it to the floor.

    Cullen shook his head, grabbing a textbook from his backpack, which he thankfully hadn’t thrown across the room... unlike me. “We can use one of mine!”

    “Aye, lovebirds! We brought worms!” Sera announced from the next room, giggling to herself.

    Cassandra groaned. “She means we brought food!”

    “Huh. Nest looks empty. Reckon they’re still here?”

    “They have to be,” Josie replied, sitting down whatever she’d been carrying. “Hannah would’ve texted us if they left.”

    Cullen and I were still scrambling to look like we were studying while the footsteps outside kept getting louder. We barely had sat down beside each other again before Sera knocked twice and opened the door. “They’re back here!!” she yelled over her shoulder before looking us up and down and giggling again. “Lookin’ real warm and cozy, too.”

    “You’re supposed to wait after you knock,” Josie reminded her gently, stepping through the doorway. She didn’t say anything at first, but the smirk on her face gave away that we cut it real close. “How’s the studying going?”

    “It’s good!” I answered a bit too quickly, making Cullen elbow my side. “Real — ow — really good. Got all my math right and everything, heh...”

    “Did you now? Is that why you’re using Cullen’s criminology book?”

    He nodded. “She’s... helping me now! S-so it balances out.”

    “Alright.” Sera cut in, grinning. “Then why’s it upside down?”

    “I- uh-”

    “W-well... we were, um...”

    Cassandra had joined the jury now, leaning against the doorframe and sipping from her own boba cup. I caught her gaze, mentally pleading for help, but she just shrugged. “Don’t let me interrupt you.”

    I turned to Cullen, hoping to find some kind of answers there, but his face was redder than a sunset, and he was biting on the end of a stray pencil he’d picked up from somewhere — looking to me for the exact same thing.

    There was no easy way for us to get out of this one.

[brown-rice]

Taking a break from the midterm study/note-taking grind

Got a midterm, quiz, matlab, and math assignment due this week, with 2 more back to back midterms next week, so I’m stressing a bit. Spent the last two days just sitting and rewriting notes but I feel like I’m not retaining anything hhhhhh. Looking forward to going home, seeing some good people and my dog this weekend though. I can kinda feel myself getting sick tho, feelin’ pretty week b/c of my period, school, and stomach problems again.

Anyway, tomorrow is the start of week 3. I’ve been going to school for 2ish weeks now and have been living in this condo with my condomates for about 3 weeks now? I’m still in a really bad place emotionally/mentally, but I guess I’ve come to tolerate most of the things going on around here. Still floating around with no hope and dreams of my own, but I’m trying my best, doing the work and going to class, only missing one day because I felt like actual garbage. 

Living in this new place is really weird for me. Not that I’ve changed the way I live, but I’m sharing a room and “home” was the only place that I could be terrible and sleep all day and just kind of be off? But with people, I want to keep up appearances and try a lot to hide when I feel shitty. I can’t really figure out why I do that. I share a room with Ashley and I’ve already seem her cry several times about relationship stuff, and I’ve comforted her. I’ve fussed over Doni feeling sick, and say hi to Asher and Punit when they pass by. I try to stay out of my room and be friendly. And it’s pretty stressful hahahaha. In the beginning there was a much more noticeable rift between Ashley, Doni and I as one side and Asher, Punit, and Punit’s gf who is around pretty often. It’s not that we do anything against each other, it’s just that we don’t really interact beyond those trios, which kinda bummed me out, but I don’t care too much as long as everyone respects boundaries. There was a lot of passive aggressive stuff going on in the beginning, but after the first house meeting, things got better. My biggest peeve is probably that I’m a lot cleaner of a person than I thought? At home I did a lot of the cleaning, sure, but that was only when things were actually dirty. Things just never seem to stay clean here, which does bother me a bit, but we have a cleaning rotation going on now, if the others are going to actually do it. I also just feel really gross here for some reason, like when I shower it still feels like I’m not clean, and Ashley feels the same. We also keep getting bitten by bugs we never seen and have no idea where they’re coming from. I’ve been breaking out a lot more than I did before. Doni really wants me to open up to him and I’m just, super hesitant for no reason really. I’ve been holding back a lot since the summer. A nice thing is that Ashley’s cat loves me a lot, and kinda fills the void for my dog. He always sleeps on my bed lol. We also kinda opened up a Jewish scroll in the house whoops. Ashley’s always playing/talking to her other friends online, so while I want us to be good friends (and we are b/c we get along very well even tho she’s messy sometimes and has an annoying keyboard, we really don’t have any bounds? like we get changed and everything in front of each other lol) there’s also a wall that I feel. Everyone really keeps to themselves, except me and Doni. We’re usually out and about downstairs at the table, him paying League while I take notes. I suppose we’ve gotten closer. Ashley, Doni and I always try to get boba for each other if someone’s out getting some. Doni and I have lot of late night convos and he really wants us to be better friends, and I know that he actually would be there for me, but there’s just something about his advice that I’m so adverse to. That and I’m probably afraid of being let down again.

Regarding school, I had a really bad first day for no real reason. I just felt super horrible and wanted to cry when I got home, which was only made worse the next day when Punit and Ashley threw a party (I got some alc out of it but still). I just felt super alone in everything and really out of place b/c the condo doesn’t feel like home, but my home in Riverside doesn’t feel like home either. I just feel like I’m in limbo and don’t know what to do about it. But I’m really trying. During orientation, Ashley and I met a group of people who were all new students and really chill, we even all swapped numbers and planned to do stuff, but that all fell through so fast. Classes themselves are alright?? There aren’t any assignments to do, but I just feel like I’m behind on everything, even my low div bio class where I’ve already learned everything there. I just feel really uneasy like I can’t do anything or that I’m gonna fail. I fall asleep in class pretty often even though I get a decent amount of sleep. It’s weird. I didn’t expect my biochem class to be that hard, but I’m really stressing since it’s not clear what we’re gonna be tested on. Ochem is a mystery b/c while I know half of the class material, I don’t know where they left off. I kinda wish I had stayed at Mt.Sac to finish up the ochem series, but too late now whoops. Math is questionable but easy at the same time? It’s a weird feeling. So all in all, school is fine academically. I don’t really have any good friends that I can study or hang out with, and I’ve come to enjoy the alone time. At first, it was really lonely. I spent the whole first week trying to get to know people and join clubs b/c I realized that the people I considered important really didn’t think of me that way, at least not to the extent that I felt, and that’s okay. I have to learn to let those people go and that sucks, but I can’t keep being there for people who don’t care about me. I want to make good friends that return my feelings and sentiments, so I need to go out and try. It’s really tiring. I used to be able to call myself someone that makes friends easily, and I do, but I’m stopping myself from taking the extra step, and I can feel myself pulling back and away. I just don’t want to try anymore really, for new and old friends. I really hate losing old friends, especially ones built from long years of friendship, but people grow apart and I’ve done too much fighting for and taking care of people and blaming myself and letting people take advantage of me. It bothers me so so much that my close friends are the ones that know I’ll always be there and take advantage of that fact. Even if I end up with less close friends before and a lot more alone time, I want to and will be okay with it. I’m getting involved in KP and KOTX, but as a transfer student, it’s proving to be really hard to break into circles that have already been established since Year 1 and many other transfer students that I get along with already have old friends who actually care about them, like Ashley. Being away from Riverside has made me realize a lot of harsh things and I so desperately want to get away from everything and either die or start somewhere new. I can’t be there for people anymore if they’re not gonna be there for me, and even if I want to answer those late night texts and calls of crying, I won’t do it anymore. This is it, and if that’s mean then that sucks I guess. Hopefully once I get picked up into my KOTX and KP fams, I’ll have some good friends. Same goes for other upper divs for my major. So far I’ve made chill friends with another transfer student named Luke in my bio class. We remind each other that there are clickers and he plays LoZ in the back of the class while I read manga. I went to the manga club and the quidditch team, but they were both hella cringe. I might go back to the anime/manga club, but who knows. Triton gaming, I might see if there’s a sm4sh event.  

Another thing about friends is that I’ve got back into strong friendships with Roman and Kinuth???? Roman and I used to be really good friends during our time in hs, but kinda grew apart as he found his place and became more social while the Breadsix was growing apart. He and I have math class together and that’s probably the only reason why we hang out, but he’s sort of become my dining dollars sugar daddy LMAO. We study and eat together a lot, and I’ve chilled with his roommates sometimes b/c he lives on campus and I need somewhere to sleep during big gaps. So while It’s really nice hanging with Roman, I feel like after this quarter we’ll go back to not really talking or seeing each other that much outside of maybe KP. Kinuth is probably the most unexpected thing to happen to me so far. He just kinda showed up with Doni one day, and we’ve always had a vitriolic kind of friendship? So now we actually hang out and message every day. I knew he went to school here, but I just wasn’t expecting him to try being friends with me b/c he doesn’t really seek close friends. We’ll see where this goes tho. One of the sadder things is probably Meagan. She only comes to our places b/c Ashley and the cat are here, and I hear even less from her now that we’re in the same city. I dunno, maybe we’ve just grown apart too much. Same goes with how I feel towards Katherine, Joel, and even Rich. Landon a bit too, but less because we actually chat/message and he came the last weekend to visit. Normally Landon and I talk a bunch, but I really kept to myself, tho the quiet was still comfy. Dunno how long that’s gonna last. The stuff in the summer really fucked me up with how I feel towards all of them, and I’m slowly letting go, but it’s not like any of them are going to fight for our friendship. The SC thing’s probably gonna phase out too anyway, not like anyone responds unless I have to call people out. I’m just so tired with people and friendships and I don’t want to try anymore, and as I get comfier and comfier with being alone, I feel like I’m going to fall into that. It’s dumb, and I’m trying not to by going out and being active, but hey. I feel like I’m reaching out and trying to be honest when people say things like “pls trust me I’ll be there for u” and then I feel so let down b/c no one is there for me and it sucks. I posted in the group chat and nothing happened, it was a read message and idk why I keep doing this to myself. I’ve still got a lot of negative feelings about a lot of things with nowhere to put them. Even if I talk to people, I’m racking my brain for a solution that I don’t have and all I really want is a solution.

Everything I do or feel seems like a big fat whatever and I don’t really know what to do about anything anymore. I feel awful all the time, but there’s no time to rest because of classes. Falling into sleeping all day again. And honestly I’m terrified of letting that happen. The only other thing keeping me grounded is reading fics. Week 3/10 so far. I’m gonna try applying to some jobs too. I’m really trying my best here. All I want is to have a stable income and a place of my own. Thinking about getting my own place after this year if I get a job and can afford it. Maybe live with my sister. Maybe leave SoCal and go to Davis for more school stuff. Still a lot of wanting to die feels but hey, that’s why I’m living with people, to stop that from happening. Hopefully things will work out.