#i got the idea after discussing the song with someone

[fugafromtheworld]

How balsam masterfully portrays social anxiety's loneliness

I suffer from social anxiety ever since I was 12 years old (at least that's when I was diagnosed, but it was around those years I started showing symptoms as well), and with it, every step of your life feels like a challenge, you often feel pathetic and ashamed by the limitations you specially comparing to others.

While I was growing up this wasn't a discussed topic and I often felt alone, like an alien and like a complete failure, I always wondered if it was just me or anyone out there also felt this way and struggled with the same things.

Enters balsam! a song that's basically about social anxiety! doesn't talk about all the same struggles but talks about how someone with anxiety can sunk themselves in loneliness! and that was something I was very affected by as well.

This song was so dear to me, it made me feel less lonely and understood, it gave me a bit more strength to continue to overcome it and I hope this post helps others with the same illness to feel less lonely too, a problem so common in this condition.

Song details

english name: balsam

romanji: housenka

producer: Kurosawa Madoka

sung by: yuzuki yukari

translation by: tom the idiot

original upload date: july 31, 2013

link

The song

The song is in the pov of a girl that's lonely and doesn't like being lonely at all, and despite all that she refuses any attempts or considerations of getting closer to her peers because of fear of judgement, disguising it by preference, pride and even hatred!

I'll be pinpointing just some lyrics of the song so this doesn't get super long so please go listen to the full song!

Lyrics

I'm trying to pretend to be confident. Convincing and convincing myself that it's simple to do. How far will I go?

Not everyone with social anxiety does that but with me after i spent years with it i just decided to start saying i just like being alone and embrace loneliness as a part of me and trying to get deeper into it, but anyone doing this can quickly learn it doesn't last long and you start breaking eventually, it's imminent even as a social species.

Even if I break, should I say that I'm lonely? But, but, It's so embarrassing if it comes off as pathetic.

The key in here is "pathetic", people with social anxiety are terrified of the thought of someone noticing they have anxiety during a conversation, picking up on their uneasiness, or even trembling, pale face, the avoidance of eye contact, it can lead to judgement and that's our biggest fear, so often we'd rather stay by ourselves.

You surely must be hated? No, I just like being alone. But, but, Even if that's it, if I don't pretend it is, I will quickly break apart.

Once again, avoiding contact by convincing others and yourself that you just like being alone, by the fear of giving anyone a chance of judging you, accepting you just like being alone is easier than accept you struggle and there's something wrong with you.

I am a touch-me-not that sinks into silence: "Don't touch me." And yet, if you don't break the pod you can't get to the seed you know.

As any other phobias (in brazil social anxiety is a phobia, fear of being social), you can't overcome it without confronting it, so i believe break the pod and get to the seed has two meanings.

get to the seed is a metaphor for friendship.

get to the seed is a metaphor for her finding herself.

I am left out even if it looks like everyone is having fun.

This happened to me so many times, even when i wanted to join, i kept to myself, cause being exposed it's not worth it.

Rather than being flustered without putting herself in a group, a girl who can stand alone with confidence, is cooler right?

More of the cope of convincing yourself, that you actually look cool and perhaps even "mysterious" being by yourself, but those are all just acts to hide a deeper insecurity.

Please give me a heart that's never been broken.

I think the choice of making this "never been broken" instead of "can't break" says a lot.

Social anxiety always comes from deep past trauma, one where you felt so ashamed and ridiculed by other people you become traumatized of ever being in the same situation again or close to it.

So if your heart has never been broken like that before, perhaps you wouldn't have this condition right now and wouldn't be doing these things. You would be making friends, and being part of the fun.

And yet, you guys can't go to the bathroom alone. While cursing them, while cursing them, I was following them out of the corner of my eye.

Envy, sometimes with social anxiety you start convincing yourself you hate other people, you might curse them, and yet, you feel compelled to watch everything they do together and their every move, deep down this hatred comes from you having envy of them being able to talk to others with no problems and doing all these things while you struggle with a single sentence.