#i hate january i am always about 2 steps away from a panic attack in a school bathroom

[pillow-monsters]

january 25- we love u

We can ride in the bus and change our views / We can do all sorts of things / We can look at all the trees / And build all the walls around the leaves

[charmingpplincardigans]

January Kitchen Sink Check In

This is mostly for me, because I’m trying to become a better person this year, for varying definitions of the term ‘better’, and I like to see my progress laid out all organized like. It helps me move forward. So I’m gonna go through my Body/Mind/Money goals for January and note how I did and what I’m going to do moving forward!

BODY

Working Out: 

My two work out goals for the end of the year are to 1) be doing yoga semi-regularly and 2) be working out four days a week reliably, including the yoga. I’m working on easing myself into these (and all) habits, because I don’t want to overwhelm myself and give up on everything, so my goal for January was to work out one day a week. And I worked out *drumroooooooll* NONE! NOT A ONCE. I don’t have an excuse for this. Part of it was stress, part of it was depression, part of it was sheer laziness. I promise myself I’m gonna work out at least once a week in February, but also shoot for the two times a week that is the February Goal. 

Food: 

I have several overall food goals for the year. One is to give up soda near completely, or at least to break my addiction to it. The others are to start planning meals and eat less meat. For January I wanted to drink only two sodas a day (20oz max). I managed that 23 days out of 31. In looking at the calendar you can reliably match the days I failed to the days that were extremely stressful or anxiety ridden. I have a very bad habit in those moments of throwing up my hands and deciding that I’m a failure anyway so nothing matters. That’s definitely a mental tick to keep an eye on over the next few months as my job no doubt just gets more and more stressful. The other goals I did okay with. I decided to plan one meatless meal a week. New recipes I made in January were: 

Black bean soup

Moroccan sweet potatoes

Spinach lasagna

Black bean & sweet potato enchiladas

Do recommend most of them. The lasagna had way too much cinnamon in it, which was kind of weird. If I make that recipe again I’m gonna quarter the amount. But I might just find a different veggie lasagna to make. 

For February I want to drop the soda to one a day (12oz max), and start to plan to make two meals a week. I’m doing okay with meat, but I could for sure do better. It helps that I have started making THE WORLD’S BEST SANDWICHES for lunch. Probably just gonna eat those forever instead of ordering out Huey Magoo’s or whatever. (The sandwich is hummus, cucumber, and feta on toasted Good Seed bread. Try it!)

Doctor Things:

Uff. I need to figure out the CPAP issues and the chest pain issues. I absolutely despised the first mask they sent me for the CPAP. It gave me panic episodes and I was ripping it off IN MY SLEEP. Insurance refused me a new mask until April, but my doctor came in like an angel with a sample version of a different type of mask to try. This one is...better. I’m still not comfortable in it and it’s not appreciably helping my sleep. People keep telling me it’s going to change my life, but that has not happened yet. On the other hand I have friends who’ve tried to make them work for YEARS and never did, so I’m wary of this whole process, but still trying. 

I had a sort of fraught meeting with my cardiologist last week. My chest pain symptoms had been getting better as of October, but with the change in my job I’ve back slid almost entirely. I had a 36 hour period of chest pain two weeks ago. I go whole nights having every heart attack symptom in slow motion, but doing nothing about it because I can’t afford for the ER to tell me I’m fine five times a month. I cried when she asked me why I didn’t go to a hospital when that happened. I feel so helpless all of the time and I’m certain I’m going to die any day now, even though my heart is technically physically fine. Can you anxiety yourself into a heart attack? I THINK YOU CAN. She did tell me to try to speak to the psychiatrist again about anxiety medication. The last time I tried the woman I saw didn’t want to prescribe me anything. She told me to work on my sleep and come back. Welp! The cardiologist said that if that happens this time she’ll write a note telling her to prescribe me something. We’ll see. I need to try to make that appt this month. 

MIND

Therapy:

My therapist thinks I’ve done really well over the last year with working on myself and said out loud that she thinks I’m better at dealing with some things and am in a good position to move forward. But I’m so stressed right now that I just feel like I’ve fallen apart again. We’re meant to start on EMDR this week, but I’m going to have to put a pause on it so I can talk about how I’m at like, the lowest point of my life, which she will be very supportive of and then probably remind me that if we could just get to the EMDR and work with the older traumas this might not feel so dire. I’m just, on the struggle bus and too tired to do anything but freak out about that. 

Writing: 

I have so may creative goals this year! Too many probably! I should put some back! My creative goals for the year are:

Complete a rough draft of AMLD (10,000 words a month)

Complete and mail out the Girls Who Date the Universe chapbook

Complete and mail out any remaining art for people who helped me with the car fund

Work on poetry and short fictions (Monster Story?)

Actually check in to @gywo every month (10 days a month goal)

My creative goals for January were to write 10,000 words on AMLD, work on the extra poems for GWDTU, and send the remaining postcards from the car fund. And uh...look. I did work on writing. I worked on the chapbook layout and editing pieces that needed to be edited/replaced, because there are several. I did also work on the outline for AMLD, but didn’t write new words on it. Not anywhere 10,000 of them at any rate. 

The owing people art thing is just...it fucks me up, man. I have learned a huge lesson between the car fund and the patreon. I get so in my head about how these people deserve beautiful things and then I tell myself I’m not capable of making things worthy of them and then I put off doing the thing because I want to put off letting them down and then it just spirals from there. ALL THE WHILE I AM FOR SURE LETTING THEM DOWN. I realize this is both unhealthy and unprofessional. It’s why one of my goals this year is to clear all of this once and for all so that I can square myself away with everyone and try not to end up here in the future. 

So, the January Goals now get rolled up into the February Goals, which leaves the new list for the month at: 

10,000 words AMLD

Complete extra poems for GWDTU

Send postcards from car fund

Complete layout for Boston chapbook for car fund

I did check in for GYWO. 

Future Plans:

Part of letting off the pressure for the now for me is always about planning for the future. Not like, the actual future, I’m not starting a 401k, let’s not go nuts. But for something that is one step forward. In my notes for my year goals this is all about moving back to Boston. I need to set a date for it. I need to save money for it. I need to keep my job until after I’ve done it. But now I think this part needs to include notes about my job itself and the ways I can either move forward with it or move away from it once and for all. 

I talked to Lisa and Kait at the beginning of the year about the moving plan, and now I just need to talk to my apartment complex to see if it would be feasible to extend the lease to December or February without paying an exorbitant amount in rent each month. If rent ends up being more than $2k/mo for the extension then I’m just going to have to have to wait until June 2022. This frustrates me, because I hate not being able to just follow through with decisions once I’ve made them, but patience is another thing I’m working on eternally. My goal for February is figure out money stuff well enough and talk to complex and set a timeline. 

Work is. Wow. It’s awful right now. I still have my job, which takes up much of my days, but because of re-org I’m also having to learn a whole new job which would also take up much of my day. I can’t not learn this job, because the person who used to do it is in another department now too, so there’s no one to get the work done if I don’t learn to do it. But I also can’t do both. I CAN’T DO BOTH. An issue popped up last week with my job that literally brought my ulcer back. I asked my boss for help with it and she sent me a message at one point saying she wanted to cry about it. So like. She knows now, right? She knows I can’t do both jobs?? BUT THERE’S NO ONE ELSE TO DO IT SO I GUESS I JUST GET TO SLOWLY KILL MYSELF. I’m just so frustrated, and angry that these decisions get made without taking the people in them into account, and of course anxious and miserable. I’m currently dreading work in a way I haven’t since I was in text perms. It’s real bad. So I have to find a way to make it work or find a way out. 

My February approach to that is to finish this Love It or Leave It book and see if I can’t divine where my true motivation lies, and also to research library school. I kind of would rather not go back to school. Not because I wouldn’t spend my entirely life in school if I could. I WOULD. But because it’s expensive and time intensive and there’s no promise my life will be better after it’s over. But every job I think I want pretty much requires that masters, so. We’ll look into it at least. 

MONEY

Eating Out:

During the pandemic, one of my money sinks became DoorDash. I never used it before, because it costs literally twice as much as just going to get the food. (Also because I kind of like eating in restaurants alone. Ah, one day again I hope!) But the more afraid I became of the outside world, the less inclined I was to go into a restaurant to pick up take out, so I’ve had it brought to me. And I need to cut that shit out! I have food at home! My goal for January was to order out only 4 times a week. I managed this for three of the weeks, but when I blew it it was definitely those weeks at the very beginning and very end of the month where I was super stressed. The goal in February is to only order out 3 times a month.

Savings:

I need to open a high yield savings account. I’ve had the starting money for the move just sitting in my bank account making me no extra money for like, four months. The latest reason I haven’t moved it over is that I’m worried I’m going to owe a lot in taxes this year because of the partial unemployment I got. Hopes are that since it was a work share the taxes were taken out ahead of time, but I do not trust the government with my money as far as I can throw them, so. I’ll do my taxes this month and finally know for sure. And then I WILL move the rest of the money into a high yield savings account. I WILL. 

Also, every time my credit union savings hits a grand, I’ll move $500 of that over into the high yield account to put toward moving expenses. 

Budget:

I keep meaning to sit down and work out my new budget for 2021. I’m bringing home a little bit less in my paycheck because I changed my health insurance, and I’m also, of course, trying to save as much as I can ahead of moving so I don’t put anything on credit cards. (I’m doing so well paying those down!) This means I need to save everything I can and not spend money on stupid frivolous stuff. I’m not buying clothing like I did in the before times, but I AM spending too much money at Target still, because the app lets me just peruse any dumb idea I have and then pick it up that day! What a disaster! So, I really need to work something out. Or at least, I need to check my bank accounts more often and keep tabs on how much is actually going out. I have a bad out-of-sight-out-of-mind habit when it comes to bank accounts. Just another piece of me to try to cure this year.

And that’s it for January. I’m now late to bed because I’ve been working on this post for an hour and a half. Working on my sleep is also a goal, but we’ll see how exercise and the cpap handle that. Til next month!

[amnachil]

The College Society Chapter 2 Part 7

Enjoy :) One part left for chapter 2 !

Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey holidays from Thursday December 20 to Sunday January 6

In the Smith family, Christmas meant orgy. In the Carrey family, it meant binge. For the blond lad, it meant both. To be clear, of course he didn't had sex with his blood relatives. But with the others... His brother-in-law was more than happy to have a taste of his cock. Each year since the first time they had met by the way. My sister have a good taste in men, I can't control it. He also slept with his mother's bestfriend. The old lady only liked the missionary position, but eh, why not. The delivery girl who brought the pizza really loved his skills with his tongue. Their neighbors were up for a threesome, like last year. Anyway, the day after christmas, he got a call from Zack. They talked for a bit. Then, Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey went back to this cute girl which was sucking his dick.

Around the last day of December, he left the town for a special mission. Generally, during the holidays, he just enjoyed himself with as much people as possible. Then, he would focus back in the hunt in January. But the preys were already submissive before the holidays. Usually, one week was enough to catch them. Then they were banging one week or two. And then he started a new hunt. But Liam. Liam was so special. So different. His weakness for food was a very important point. Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey was kind of a chef. He liked to cook, and he was the head of the cooking club at the university. He could use this at his advantage. But it's not enough. This baboon will not gave in so easily. The Dean's grandson needed more fucking information. That was why he had bought this ticket. For a soccer game and a special encounter with the players.

Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey didn't really watch the game. He found a whore in the public who was eager to fuck him, and they spent most of the time in the toilet. But afterwards, he joined the group of VIP, and entenred in the lockroom. It was easy to notice Raphaël Muller among the players. Not only because he was ginger. He had a bloody sex-appeal. He was incredibly handsome, yes, but a coldness also emanated from him. He's a hunter. I can smell it. A satisfied hunter. My complete opposite in a way. When it was Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey's turn to talk to him, he smiled.

"Hi. Liam Strucker talked so much about you. I'm a huge fan."

Raphaël didn't believe him at all. Damnit. Not good.

"Nice to meet you." the ginger lad greeted with a ontuous but cold voice. "It's surprising from Liam, because I don't think he even remembers who I am when I'm not next to him."

"Well, he's absent minded, I know that. You two are close ?"

"I wonder who you are." smiled the other. "I mean, don't take this the wrong way, but you sounds hungry. Not for food."

Now I know why Liam isn't impressed by me at all. He already met quite a specimen. Come here might have been a bad idea. But now, Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey was fucked. This dude might become a real pain in his ass.

"Fuck it." he mumbled. "You already guessed what I fucking want from this lucky bastard. Are you going to help or not ? I don't have the whole fucking day."

"I can tell you something you might find useful." conceded Raphaël. "You can't have Liam in your bed if you don't give your heart in exchange. He's one of the last true lover this society produced."

"Don't be so sure about this." retorted the blond lad. "I agree with you, he's a bally authentic. But I can corrupt him."

"You're cocky."

"You too dude."

In other circumstances, we would get along so well. Sex with him must be amazing. However, Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey had finally learnt something important. This hunt was his very last. The hunt of his life.

For the New Year, he obviously had a lot of sex. With a lot of people. He went to a party with former highschool buddies, and banged some of them. In groups. In the morning, he met Zack, and they had a good time together, but no sex. He knew where to put limits. Then, he headed back in the campus. Summer picked him up at the airport.

"Glad to see you." she greeted him. "I hope your holidays went well ?"

"Focus on the road you cunt. I don't want to die because you don't know how to drive."

"Sorry."

Damnit, she was a real stupid cow. When they arrived, he asked :

"Did Liam came back already ?"

"Yeah. He's studying with his roommate." she answered. "Why ? Do you give up ?"

Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey looked at her, surprised.

"Why would I dummy ?"

"It's the first time I see you struggling so much."

Moron. Fucking useless fuckwit. She's dumber everytime I see her. It's time to reawaken her competitive's spirit. He already knew someone perfect to bring some competition. A little roach ready to do eveything he asked for in order to be a ruler. And now, it was time to begin the hunt again.

Liam Monday January 7

The first exam didn't go well for the poor lad. The next will be as difficult... Not only he didn't study much, but he also had been daydreaming during the test. I couldn't focus because there was a weird cloud. (For real, it looked like a giraffe).

"Look at her." muttered Nick next to him. "Walking like a queen. And to think that we were friend."

Liam glanced at Rebecca. Apparently, the girl had sent to his roommate a letter he didn't liked at all. During his holidays, he mostly played videogames and stuffed his face. But he probably passed the test anyway. I'm not this lucky. Maybe I should try some magic trick. (Seriously, magic was powerful). (Once, he saw a rabbit stepping out from a hat !).

"Liam dude. Wake up."

The chestnut lad stared at Nick. Then he noticed Pete and a girl. They were all looking at him, a bit worried.

"Yes, what ?"

"Sorry, you didn't hear what I just said ?" Pete was amazed. "Well, this is Leila Hart, a classmate. She said she needed to meet you so..."

Liam greeted her politely. I saw her somewhere. She looks familiar, but I forgot where I met her. (Definitely, Liam the absent minded was back). (Better than Liam the depressed tho).

"I'm Colton's twin sister." she said. "You're the guy who knows Barbara, right ?"

"Hum, yeah. Why ?"

He had a bad feeling about this. His old friend resented him for what happened to his ex boyfriend. What did she tell to her friends ?

"Well, she just broke up with Colton, supposedly because he's your friend and she doesn't like this. And look, I don't wanna know why she hates you. But I want my twin brother to be happy, and this slut just ditched him like a trash. But I think he's deeply in love with her, so can you talk to her ?"

Oh. Crap. Well, at least he had one good week with Nate. (Now, he was sure a powerful and strong witch cursed him). (Or a Lich, but whatever, he was doomed). He wanted to lay down right here  in recovery position and just wait. But he promised his bestfriend to make an effort. Nick nudged him.

"Dude, stop stargaze and answer to the girl."

"Sorry. Well, I'll need to talk to Colton first, but I'll see what I can do."

"Good." stated Leila. "Because if you don't, trust me I will smash your pretty face in."

After this sweet encounter with Colton's twin sister, Nick and Liam hit the canteen. They also started to review the exam of this afternoon. At least until Dami showed up. The blond lad sat at their table and smiled softly.

"Hi dudes. I hope you're succeeding those exams ?" he greeted them. "Look, I won't be long. Liam, I have a little something for you. A gift for good luck."

The chestnut lad had never realised before how scary Dami's eyes were before. The poor man probably suffered from a malediction too. (It was plausible). (Witches could be so mean with innocent boy and girl all around the world). The blond lad suddenly slapped him.

"Hey Liam, I'm talking to you. Here, take this."

He offered a pie. An aromatic, appetising pie.

"Thank you Dami."

This one gnahsed his teeth, but forced a smile. He wished them good luck and left. Nick took a slice of the pie and comentated :

"Your relationship is so weird. This dude gives me the shivers. Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey, brr..."

"He's nice." assured Liam while taking a slice too. "And his pie is succulent."

At the end of the afternoon, the chestnut lad had an appointment he didn't want to go. But his mother wanted him to see a shrink. She had called him yesterday, and she had said how much she loved him. She wasn't blaming him, but herself, and she was sorry for everything. (At this point, he had felt worst than before but a bit relieved too). And so Liam met his new psychologist. It was a nice woman, Ms. Hang, who greeted him kindly. Nonetheless, for half an hour, they didn't speak much. The couch was comfy, and he liked it. He spent the time thinking about unrelated stuff. (For example, as someone ever wondered how to transform into an angel ?) (Because angel were humans blessed by god, weren't they ?) Eventually, the shrink asked :

"Maybe we should talk about those panic attacks, don't you think Liam ?"

"I don't know, should we ?"

He honestly didn't want to. He was fine. (Okay, maybe not totally fine but you got the point).

"Do you think I'm judging you ?"

"Isn't it your job ?"

"No Liam it's not. Do you feel unconfortable with judgment ?"

She asks so many questions. I want to go to sleep. It was a complete waste of time for both of them. But maybe she would agree to let him take a nap on her couch.

"Our session is almost over." she smiled. "Wanna know what I wrote on my notebook ?"

"Not really."

"I think you're running away from your problems as fast as you can." she said anyway. "You're not trusting people easily are you ? After what happened with your family and your ex-boyfriend in 12th grade, you started to be more and more dreamy, disconnected from the reality. All that in order to avoid facing reality. And it became natural. But it's not always working is it ? Sometimes, you can't just ignore the problem right in front of you."

"I don't like you anymore." he grumbled. "Neither your couch."

"We'll work with all this. Even the couch if you want. I'm not a life fixer, I can't change what you or your parents did. But I'll help you to face it. That's my job."

"You'll make me judge me ?"

She didn't answer, a bit surprised by his summary. The session ended like this. He wasn't sure it really helped but... at least his mother would be pleased. (And he had found a nice couch, he was eager to search the same for his appartment). He would be back next week anyway.

Rebecca Wednesday January 9

Until now, exams went well. After all, the black girl had spent her whole holidays studying. However, this evening, she had something else in mind. Matthew was supposed to come soon, and they would start the plan. But before that, she needed Bob to leave. For now, his coach was checking her computer. She was feeling betrayed. I thought I could trust you, but you're on my parent's side. According to him, she wasn't in good condition for the Olympics without his monitoring. Rebecca wanted to go to the Olympics, but it wasn't fair. Both her parents and Bob used it as an excuse to control her life.

"It seems everything is fine..." started her coach. "...except one curious thing. Why did you make a research about this Nicolas Lawson ?"

Oh shit. I had deleted my history... It was just to check what Liam had said. Nick actually was a genius.

"I got it my girl. He's still harassing you, isn't he ? I'm gonna talk with him."

"No. That won't be necessary Bob." she said. "He came to me to apologise. We're good now, I'm never seing him again. You've my word."

"Okay. But remember, you can always come to me if you need help."

She nodded. I just avoided a major crisis. She lied to Bob, because Nick was just mad. Really, really mad. And the more she lied about him, the more she felt ashamed. I never thanked him for everything he had done. And he's taking care of Liam. I misjudged him since the very beginning.

Once Bob finally left, she changed for the plan. She wore a slinky dress, emphazising her forms.The sophomore arrived a bit later with Chelsea. He complimentated her, and sat in her sofa with a smile.

"Today we'll free you. Emilio isn't aware of what's happening ?"

"No, I managed to keep it secret."

Since monday, her imposed boyfriend was more and more possessive. He was following her almost everywhere, always with an hand on her shoulder. From outside, he seemed a bit overprotective. But for her, he was a real tyrant. And tonight, she expected to put an end at all this.

"So, who's the guy I'll have sex with ?" she asked. "I made myself a reason, as you said it's just sex, nothing more. I'm ready."

"That would be me." answered Matthew with a grin.

What ? He wasn't joking at all. But he's with Chelsea. They're a fuckin' couple. The nurse wasn't surprised. She even looked okay with it. Shit. I should decline.

"Before you change your mind, just think about it." whispered the sophomore. "I'm here, so it's easy to do it right now. And I have a girlfriend, so I won't be emotionally tempted. It's worth a shot."

"I'm fine with it." added Chelsea. "C'mon Rebbie, my Matt is a good lay !"

The black girl hesitated. Maybe he was expecting this the whole time. Maybe it's only a plan for him to have sex. She looked at him more closely. A bit taller than her, he was blond with blue eyes. He was well-dressed, quite hunky with a kinda pretty face. She never had thought about him that way but in truth, he wasn't ugly.

"It's your only chance to get rid of Emilio." he reminded. "No one except me will help you."

"Okay. Let's do this."

They went alone in her bedroom. Matthew took his phone out of his pocket and smiled again.

"I'm gonna film the whole thing as a proof for Emilio. Okay ?"

Really ? Is it necessary ? She tried to contest, but he suddenly kissed her intensely. He pushed her onto the bed and laid over her.

"I'll be gentle." he assured. "I promise."

While kissing her, he took off their clothes. At this point, she was too horny to discuss. It was just sex, like Ollie had said. I can do this. It'll be fine. Matthew had a bigger penis than she expected. And he knew how to use it. One orgasm became two. And then three. She couldn't stop, he neither. They were moaning strongly. Suddenly, the door opened. Emilio stormed in, beside himself. He looked completely mad. His eyes were enraged, his face disfigured with anger. What the hell is he doing here ?! Rebecca hid her body with the blanket, terrified. It was bad. Really, really bad.

"Hey dude." smiled Matthew, not surprised at all. "You took your time."

"I just didn't believe when Chelsea came sayin' you were sleeping with my girlfriend !" yelled Emilio. "How dare you do this a second time ?"

What ? A second time ? What does that even mean ?

"I'm a thief." laughed Matt. "And you're a patsy. Not my fault."

"She's my girlfriend !" screamed the mexican guy. "She loves me."

"Does she ? Ask her man. It's like Chelsea, she didn't like you either. A home-hunter, who could live with someone like this ?"

Rebecca was still stunned. Her brain started to work slowly. Chelsea was with Emilio ? How come I didn't know this ? She also remembered what she read about thief hunter. They liked to steal other's lovers. It was an article of someone livin' in the town, with the pseudo D.R.. She probably could trust it.

"Rebecca." mumbled Emilio. "You love me right ?"

She didn't hesitate long. After all, Matthew was there.

"No. Not anymore. You're scaring me, and I don't want to see you again."

"She's brave isn't she ?" laughed the sophomore. "Get the fuck off Emilio."

He did what they asked. He left, just like that. Is it over ? So easily ? Rebecca couldn't believe Matthew's plan worked.

"You're free." stated this latter. "I don't think he'll come back around anytime soon. Now... Do you want to discover something very nice with Chelsea and me ?"

To be continued

So we’re almost done with Chapter 2.

The hunt is going well, Damian is getting very invested hehe. He wants Liam and he knows the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach ;)

Will Liam be pleased or not, we’ll see that soon.

As for Rebecca well, she escaped the home-hunter, but now she’s with a thief. So will she accepts that or not ?

[chakazard]

Mental health stuff under the cut.  Mostly positive this time.

Back in January I was feeling hit and trapped and controlled by depression and anxiety.  I was stuck in the cycle of hibernation.  Maybe you know it, anxious about talking to people -> stagnation, less activity -> less to talk about, more anxiety about interacting -> feel like you’ve lost ability to connect -> self esteem takes a hit -> embarrassed of all the above -> more hibernation!

As I usually do, I turned to music to give me relief from the bombardment of my bad brain, and good old Lou Reed answered the call.  Waves of Fear was the anxiety attack.  Hang On To Your Emotions was the advice for not letting it get worse.  That doesn’t fit my pattern.  I’m a scream til you feel better person, never been a doesn’t have to get worse person.  Maybe that song broke through because it ends the same way as Roger Waters’ The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking, an album very very close to my heart.   So I’m putting these songs (and others, like the Home album from Off With Their Heads) on repeat in the car, singing my soul out, and one day I get home from work and decide that it’s not enough.  I’m going to sit at the piano for the first time in ages and play some bad shit out.  I’ve never been a virtuoso and I’m sure out of practice but dammit I can bang out chords loudly and rhythmically and these are Lou Reed songs so that might just work perfectly.

I’ve been on a slow journey with meditation over the past few years.  For about the last 2 years I’ve been able to make it a daily habit, and over the past winter I extended to at least twice a day.  More if needed.  During a meditation I hit upon and accepted that this hibernation/stagnation cycle was hurting me more than anything else was and if I chose to, I could try to do something about it.  Again, this is not my typical behavior but I have made meditation a habit so I can make other habits.  What are the things I want to do?  What is missing from my life?  A few things come to mind quickly - music (listening and playing), reading (books not tweets), writing, going for walks, going to shows and engaging with art generally, and having actual conversations.  I hate the idea of routines and schedules so I have avoided giving myself a personal to-do list in the past.  However feeling like I’m not a person or at least not myself has led me to deeper self examination and I’ve realized that I form habits pretty quickly if I do things regularly.  Like I had to create a routine for when I wake up because my brain is ultra shite in the morning so if I stopped to think about whether or not I’d brushed my teeth or fed the cat it could somehow derail my whole day.  When I first started meditating it was “let’s see if this might help” now it’s “this is what I want to spend my time on.”  I’ve been extremely passive and it’s only hurt me so let’s try to take a baby step in the other direction and see what it does.  

I make a commitment to myself that I will do at least 2 things from this list every day.  We’re 4 months in and I usually make it.  I listen as intently as traffic allows to an album every day on my way to work.  I read while I eat my lunch.  I’ll do other things as time, energy, and inspiration allows and it’s something.  It hasn’t fixed me but it’s helped.  My therapist says that there’s a part of me that doesn’t accept responsibility for myself and that’s why I have a panic attack when I want to do something for my own enjoyment or improvement and not as an obligation or for someone else.  I hope I can show that part of myself that I can change without it being false, that I can take action without it being fruitless.  The anxiety hasn’t gone away, but I can have an anxiety attack without it ruining my week now.  I’m trying to leave time and space wherever I can.  Take a minute before doing anything so I don’t fuck up something simple and get disproportionately angry at myself.  Take a few minutes or let something go entirely before I respond to someone else with anger. 

I’ve been dealing with depression my whole life.  I’ve never felt like I belonged anywhere.  I’ve always been told “you can’t change your circumstances so change your mind.”  I feel like that’s something you say to someone when you want them to stop bothering you (much like “patience is a virtue”).  But what they don’t tell you (or at least didn’t tell me) is that you don’t change your mind in a day.  If I hadn’t been in therapy and meditating and actively seeking some way out of anxiety for a few years I wouldn’t have hit on something that works for me sometimes and especially not something outside of my normal patterns. But I’m finding that even feeling like I have the smallest bit of control over myself is a world of improvement over feeling like my brain and the world we live in have me 100% trapped, and the knowledge that I am not entirely stuck in those shitty patterns forever is the best medicine that I’ve found for myself.

I’m not cured or anything.  I still get anxiety.  I still have bad days (not having a great day now actually).  I’m still terrified to initiate conversation but I’m trying to stop thinking of a text as a test (other introverts seem to prefer texting to other means of communication, but I always panic and feel like there’s a “right answer” I’m just not thinking of, like every person in my contacts list is grading me.  so I would let texts go without answers and I’m sure that’s hurt me socially.  I’m trying to answer them now, and with something more than “ok”  but it’s still hard, and sending first is even harder).  I really need to get myself more regular sleep. Strangely enough the weekends seem to be harder for me (maybe because there’s less of a routine, maybe because I don’t fight the insomnia too much, maybe because I put too much pressure on myself to enjoy them) but during the week I can still get stuck in the mud of “I don’t like what I’m doing with my life but I don’t know what to do so I don’t want to put effort into something that probably won’t work out but is that just an excuse so I don’t have to face my low self esteem and fear of failure...”  but I like what I’m doing so far.

[ultrageekydesigner]

My Bipolar Journey

It has been five years since I was diagnosed with Bi-polar disorder. I was 24, which from what I am told is about the median for the age of onset for most people diagnosed with this disorder. It took me those long five years to get stable enough to where I can function in society and not be terrified all the time. It has been a long road and I feel that it is time that I reflect on that road and share my story so that others may not feel so alone. First let me tell you about me. I haven’t quite told my story on this blog yet and in order to understand where I have come from we need to start at the beginning. I was born in Portland, Oregon. My dad was a pastor most of my life and as some of you may know it is not fun being a pastor’s child. You are expected to be the perfect well behaved child and heaven forbid you should ever speak out of turn or do anything “unholy.” I’m not saying I had a bad childhood, I am just saying that Organized Religion can produce some very cruel and judgmental people, especially in small towns. Most of my childhood was spent in Ely, Nevada, as small of a town as you can ever get. Everyone knew me and my brothers and we couldn’t get away with squat. Heck, it was so small that my mom was my teacher’s aide in third grade. But, with all of Ely’s faults, with the judgmental church people and the minimal amount of freedom, I loved that town and I hated when we had to move. In 1998, when I was ten years old, my dad finally decided to quit pastoring and he packed us all up and moved us to Reno, Nevada and that is where things started to go downhill. One year after we moved to Reno my parents divorced. It seemed like the worst day of my life at the time but there was more to come. Shortly after my parents divorced my mom married her second husband. I turned 14 and started having my periods and that’s when it all started. I don’t know if he thought that it was ok to do it because I had “become a woman” but my mom’s second husband molested me from the ages of 14-17, when I ran away. The man did everything he could to isolate me from anyone I could tell what was going on. He kept me out of school, claiming mental problems were to blame, that I was too mentally unstable to go to school. Maybe I was, but lying to the psychiatrists and  having them put me on meds that made me feel drugged up is not the way to go about making me stable. He banned me from seeing my best friend, claiming that she was a bad influence on me. He tried to discredit me by saying I was telling lies and stealing money from his money collection. He succeeded too. My own mother didn’t believe me when I tried to come forward with the truth of what was happening. I was hospitalized 2 times because I had suicidal thoughts and plans. I was too afraid to say anything. So, I had to run away. Here’s how things played out that day. He found a rather unflattering picture of me and said he was going to put it on the fridge for everyone to see. I took it off the fridge and said I didn’t want it up there. He ordered me to put it back and I refused. He told me to get out of his house so I went to my room, packed up the most important things I had and I left, just like he told me to. I walked six blocks to my best friend’s house and she put me up for the night. I called my dad and he immediately bought me a ticket the next morning on the bus to Elko, Nevada where he was living, and my best friend’s family helped me get to the bus stop. My mom had called the cops and reported me as a runaway so when I got to Elko there were six cops at the bus stop waiting to take one scared 16 year old girl to Juvenile hall for running away. I got to Juvenile hall and they were going to send me back to Reno so I told them everything about what my mom’s second husband had done to me. I filed a police report, talked to the detectives and nothing was done. We did not go to court, I did not testify against him, it never made it that far. Partly because my dad had gotten a job up in Canada and we moved up there. We were up in Canada for a year and when I came back the police said that they couldn’t convict him because he couldn’t take an accurate lie detector test because of his heart condition. That’s where it ended, I tried to move on but that didn’t happen till we found an article on line saying he died in 2011. After Canada we moved to Las Vegas and got into one of those “pay by week” motel/apartment things. My dad ended up getting pulled over because the tags on my older brother’s car were expired. And of course they ran dad’s driver’s license and it came up that he had a warrant for his arrest in Elko County for a traffic ticket that his former company was supposed to have been taken care of. He was in Jail for 2 weeks. By the end of it, we had no money for the rent, we were low on food. We had to call my mom and her current husband to come pick up my younger brother who was still a minor at the time. My older brother had a place to stay with one of his gaming buddies but I had nowhere to go. I called my online boyfriend at the time and he bought me a ticket to Indiana to stay with him and his mom. I barely knew him, we met through an only Star Trek RPG site. I had only met him once before when he came up to Canada to see me. But, like always, I was head over heels for him and I excitedly moved out there. I started going to school at Purdue University-Calumet in Hammond, Indiana and everything was fine, until his mother started snooping into my bank account. We got into a huge fight over it at the end of the Semester and I ended up calling my mom for help. Luckily my ex paid for my ticket to Phoenix, Arizona where I went to live with my mom. And here is where the Bi-Polar sets in… Everything was fine for about a year until my very best friend, who means the world and beyond to me, introduced me to her then boyfriend. Around Valentine’s Day of 2009 she ended up dumping him and he came to me for help. We started talking and got a good connection going. After about a month of talking I, again, fell head over heels for him and around May he asked me if he could come visit, and a few weeks later, before he came to visit, he asked me to come up to Canada and live with him. This moment is the most manic I have ever been. I jumped at his offer. I dropped all my classes, had a huge argument with my mother and her partners about it. Ended up having my younger brother come pick me up so I could get a place to stay with my dad and him in Vegas. I even called the police on my family because they were refusing to give me my belongings. It was the most stupid and ridiculous move of my life and I regret it immensely. He came to visit me in June, around my birthday, for a day and he proposed to me in front of the Bellagio fountains during “I hope you dance.” I moved up to Canada when he came back in July. On, September 21, 2009 we married on the Capillano Bridge in Edmonton. It was just a small ceremony with just his family and only my very best friend, my maid of honor, for my side. Even now I still consider it one of the happiest days of my life. Things were great until we ran into some financial trouble and we had to move in with his mother. Our relationship was strained for the second year and in June of 2011 he told me that it was time I returned to the states. I later found out that he was cheating on me with a girl from his work but the divorce wasn’t all his fault. I now recognize the bipolar moments that I had been exhibiting that may have pushed him away. I didn’t help to clean our room or do the dishes. I just sat there and played video games all day. I spent money that we really didn’t have on things like pizza. But that didn’t mean he had to cheat. On June 22, 2011 I flew back down to Phoenix. Afraid that my family would still be mad at the way I left in 2009. They weren’t at all. They helped me figure out what was going on with me. I ended up getting a Job at Michael’s and it was the best job I ever had. I could work at my own pace and they didn’t need me to interact with customers too much. In January of 2012 my step dad found out that he was being relocated to Reno. With all the stress of moving and trying to transfer my job to a Michael’s in Reno, I ended up having the mother of all breakdowns. I actually felt like I wanted to hurt my younger siblings… That alone scared me and I told mom that she needed to take me to the hospital. I called work and told them what was going on and they let me go. I ended up in Banner Behavioral Health in Scottsdale, Arizona. That is when I was first diagnosed with Bipolar. They put me on Lithium and released me. We moved to Reno and I started getting services at Norther Nevada Adult Mental Health Services (NNAMHS). We adjusted my meds here and there and I tried to work at several jobs and I failed at all of them. I couldn’t keep a job more than a year and I kept having panic attacks at work. After about three or four trips to NNAMHS’s mental ward for work related anxiety they told me I couldn’t work and I filed for disability, six months later I was approved without a fight and I have been working on getting stable ever since. January of 2015 they started me on a new drug called Latuda and it made a world of difference.  I was calmer, less argumentative and prone to anger. I actually started helping out around the house without being told. But the Anxiety was still there. I was still skittish about going to new places or social events. I switched mental health providers to Mohave Behavioral and they put me on a drug called Propanolol. It is actually a blood pressure medication that they use to treat Anxiety. It also has made a world of difference. I am more social now. I look forward to going out and doing things. I’m not as introverted as I used to. I missed my own high school reunion because of my anxiety last year but this year I am going to the reunion of the class after me where most of my high school friends came from and I am so excited about it. I have returned to school and am actually making good enough grades to warrant an honor society’s attention. I am currently attending Truckee Meadows Community College for an Associate’s Degree in Graphic Communications and I am going to start going to school half-time next semester. I am doing great things for myself and if you are like me and you struggle with this disorder just know that you can do great things too, no matter what is in your way in the past or the present.

[fearne-callogay]

There is not much worse than being asked why you are depressed. Why do you ask it as if there is one solid reason for me to feel this way, surely you should know by now that that is not how it works. I am depressed because my brain is fucked up, I’m depressed because I’ve been through some awful shit that I’m not just going to open up and tell you about. You have done nothing for me to want to tell you of all the shit I’ve been through. It’s even worse when the person who asks you is your dad, who was literally there for my breakdown at age 11 when I started getting passively suicidal. Who talked about my bullying as if it was my fault because I hadn’t told anyone sooner, yet hadn’t listened when I had practically begged to move schools early. At least my mum has admitted how wrong she was not to listen to me, how she could see as soon as I started year 7 that I was already so much happier to be away from my primary school.

I don’t even know where I’m going with all this, I just feel that if I get at least some of it out in the open then maybe I can finally force myself to do something about it. There’s just something awful about someone insinuating that you have nothing to be depressed about as if they know everything about your life. You don’t even need a reason but here’s my reason; I fucked up. I fucked really fucking good. I had a ‘best friend’ for 3 years of my life who forced me to stay by making me watch them try to kill themselves the first time I tried to go. Who constantly manipulated me and alienated me from others and fucking sexually assaulted me, but obviously I stayed with them because I was scared of what they would do, even when I was so so tired of it.

I fucked up because I dated someone whose attitude made me constantly put them first, over anything I could possibly want. Even if that meant alienating every single other person who was my friend at the time, stopping things that I wanted to do because it lost out on time I could be with them, spending so much of my money on them and them then getting pissed off when later I needed to borrow money and struggled to pay it back, staying at a sixth form I absolutely hated because redoing a year of a-levels would have made our relationship too difficult. It literally drained the life out of me, I spent a whole year severely depressed and hiding how bad it was because it would be too much for them to deal with, exhausting myself acting normal and mentally healthy and tiptoeing through every fucking interaction, building up lies upon lies because I couldn’t fucking handle telling them the truth but I had to tell them something because otherwise they would accuse me of lying. Dealing with feeling as if I had no privacy, they looked through my facebook conversations and made me block someone because of something that happened 2 years before, they would look through my internet history but obviously it was justified because I had looked at something I wasn’t meant to look at. It caused me to have a breakdown last march in which I had to create a secret twitter account just so I could beg my old friends who I’d ignored to come back into my life. I then had to keep that a fucking secret for 9 months before I actually got enough courage to end the relationship.

I am so fucking fucked up but no one has the right to ask me why in a way that demands an answer. I am a small fractured mess of who I used to be. I have a small group of old internet friends who I don’t know how to interact with anymore because I can’t forgive myself for how I treated them, even though they mean the world to me and I wish that I could show them that. I cannot get help from the NHS, the psychiatrist refused to see me so now I’m on antidepressants which don’t work whilst my adhd spirals out of control and I’ve gone from maybe passing this year to not having gone into university since January. I’m failing my university course but I tell my parents that it’s going fine because I’ve always told them that I’ve fine, I don’t know how to tell them different. I have no friends at home in ‘real life’ because I pushed them away when trying to calm my ex’s anxiety about them became too much for me to cope with, and no friends at uni because I knew better than to try. I have panic attacks when people touch me but I don’t know how to say no. I’m still clinging to books and fan fiction and my daydreams because they’re the only things that make me feel real even though they’re not.

I know that I’m getting better now. I have found who I am a tiny bit. The ec groupchat gave me a place to start again, to choose my preferred name and pronouns and have them be respected. I can be myself because I don’t have to worry about who I used to be 3 years ago, I can just be who I want to be and not overthink every step of the way. It hasn’t stopped me from being suicidal but hey at least I have a place where I know who I am, where I think people do actually care about me?

Everything is still shit, I’m still failing university and feel like my life is spinning out of control. I still want to die. I’m still depressed. I’m probably always going to be depressed and I’m fucking fine with that because at this point I do not know how else I could be. I just want to stop wanting to kill myself and I want to be able to cope well enough to live my fucking life. But why would I tell my dad a fucking word of this when he dismisses the fact that I could even be mentally ill so easily.