#i have a collection of all the early 2000's christian music i adore still in a playlist

[afriendofmara]

There will always be a fondness for 2000's christian rock and pop in my heart. Little me adored those beats, even the sad ones. That was all I had to grasp onto and I did, they mean so much to me. But what makes me still so fond even nowadays, I've never viewed them in a god way. Its always been in a Friend or Family way. 6 year old me would listen to Natalie Grant bang out the tunes and sat in front of the cd player dazzled. This is what its like to find love, to find friendship, to find companionship, I thought. I listened to the entirety of Portable Sounds by Tobymac and knew that this was about what loving your family means. Today I understand that these are sometimes about friends or lovers but always they are about god. I just can't come to see that. NEEDTOBREATHE's The Outsiders is genuinely one of the best music albums in my life and my brain to this day wraps it in friendship and hands it over

[writingforshalyn-blog]

September 22, 2019. Garden of the Gods/Sisterhood.

Garden of the Gods. Herod, Illinois is quaint to the passersby. You don’t see the ginormous rock formations from the road anywhere, until you begin pulling into the parking lot for the trails. After parking, you take some steps up to the beginning of the trails. 

The hike is tiring, truly. It’s easier once you get to the “harder” to reach places, where you have to use your hands to help lift or crawl on your knees, I guess since your legs don’t have to do all of the work in those feats. 

The first big rock you come to is breathtaking. I found myself not being about to picture it getting any better than this. The six of us collectively sat spaced out on this rock, staring out into the trees beyond in silence. Somebody finally spoke up and said, “Damn. This is incredible.” We all murmured agreement and I pointed out a hawk that was swooping down, about 15 feet from our heads. The wind felt divine. It felt like it could lift us up, truly, by how strong it was. Even sitting on the rock felt like the rock was swaying below me. 

The more we walked the higher the rocks were. It kept getting better, more and more unbelievable. The trees had just barely started turning colors, not as dramatically as I thought they would have been. But it meant nothing, really, the view was still heart stopping. The rock formations are only a small part of the 280,000 acres of Shawnee National Forest. The trees in the distance take on that blue tint and tend to look like a painting. 

I think, however, that despite the natural beauty of the land, the  people I was surrounded by is what made the trip most memorable (minus one event, which I will talk about later).

Here we were, six of us crammed into one pickup truck. It was a four door, but the kind of four door where you have to open the front door to open the back one. Originally, it was supposed to be me, Taylor, Katie, Corbin, Christian, Tomas and Taylor H. However, Corbin got upset at Katie for “blowing him off” and Taylor H. took Corbin’s side, I suppose, and so they both opted to stay in town. Another kid that I had never met, Kalobe, came along. He could be described as nerdy, but a cool kind of nerdy. Funny and good natured, always full of random, seemingly useless knowledge. He had his headphones plugged into his phone the whole way there, but I believe that they were turned off, or at least turned down, because every once in a while I would glance at him and see him mouthing the words to the song on the radio. He talked, but was relatively quiet for most of the ride. 

Early on in the trip, Taylor pulled out her dab pen. We all passed it around, casually getting a very mellow high. It was a dab pen that didn’t make you excessively tired after coming down, which was good. It tasted like Lemongrass and, when french inhaled, tasted like Fruity Pebbles. 

At some point, I realized how actually awesome these people were. Christian was young and his eyes were glowing red from the vape pen, but he was no less fun or interesting. He is cute in a baby face way. He has long wavy brown hair and adorable lips. Taylor was in the middle seat, dancing with me and singing along to the playlist we were playing. She was sassy and funny, but warm hearted, too. She explicitly expressed wanting me to come with them to the Garden, saying “But I really want you to go!” when I told her I wasn’t sure if I could join them. She has told me before that she genuinely loved hanging out with me, and that she always asked for me when she was drunk. I believe her. My sister was up front and she’s always fun. I could tell a difference in her though, she was quieter than she normally is. Taylor told me that Katie confided in her that her depression was getting bad again. I’m now making it a point to check in on her. I want to have these heart to hearts with Katie, I want her to trust me and to tell me how she feels. I know depression is the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced, and really, for a long time, it was the only thing I experienced. I want to be there for Katie.

[redacted], the dude that picked up a refrigerator alone, the hard worker and the funny Mexican. Illegal, actually. His sister once told me the story of how they came here and, while I won’t go into detail, I can assure you it was told in the funniest possible manner, but was so shockingly horrific that I didn’t believe it was a true story for a long while after. He was the dad of the group, the asshole, too. It’s easy for the [last name]’s to come across as mean, or at least backwoods. [redacted] has made transphobic comments, or at least mildly offensive trans jokes, and while they made me entirely uncomfortable, I realize that [redacted] just does not understand. I have tried to make a point of becoming less critical of people who speak negatively about things they don’t understand. I have also made it a point to not out myself or my partner, so I tend to remain silent in these times. I won’t apologize for it, and my partner wouldn’t ask me to. That’s enough for me. But, anyways, he is a warm fellow, funny, and big as a house. Christian is his cousin, I think on the dad’s side. 

So there we were, an illegal, his cousin, the girlfriend of the cousin, the friend of the cousin, and me and my sister. The music ranged from rap, country, 2000′s throwback music, and other random songs anyone requested. We laughed at Christians eyes, we laughed at Kalobe’s theories as he discussed th Area 51 Raid. He said one guy died, he ran past the line and they “shot him dead”. I asked if that was a real fact, or if that was something that was just made up. “Kalobe would know,” Taylor told me. I supposed that was enough for me. We laughed at Taylor’s enthusiasm over the music and she choked on her drink when realizing how funny what she did was. I truly had a really good time with them.

The highlight of my visit was at a point where I was tired. I was tired and didn’t want to climb any further to get to where Katie and Taylor were going, and plus my shoes were not made for going up that path. I instead stayed one rock below the one they were at, laid down on my back, and looked up at the sky. There was a small, barren tree peeking up from the rocks to the right of me that I could see out of my peripheral. The sky was beautiful and felt close enough for me to reach up and touch. I felt thankful I wasn’t still depressed. I felt small and important. Valuable. I stared at the clouds and the sky for so long that I saw kaleidoscope colors swirl around in my vision faintly.  I remained there on the ground looking up for close to 10-15 minutes. Katie and Taylor had already left and been gone for a few minutes before I got up. Kalobe appeared from over another rock, a mere cat-esque head looking surprised. “Hey! I found you! I’ve been looking for everybody, I got lost. They were in the caves and I took a different way out.” I got my bag together and lead him to the others. He asked what I was doing on the rock, if I got tired. I told him I was just watching the sky. He didn’t question it.

I collected a few red leaves from the land in exchange for some water poured gently onto the ground. I thought maybe I would have collected more, but I didn’t. This is enough, though, as I’m sure I can do something with them. Maybe I’ll make my altar today and have them on there.

I had a great time, all in all, and I am very much so glad that I went. I felt a sisterhood among us, even the boys. I felt a sense of belonging.