#i have a plethora of neurological / mental issues and i dont want this to continue happening

[properantagonist]

This will sound idiotic, but I feel so indescribably and utterly unintelligent.

Likely nobody will read this, but I need to share this. I feel so stupid. I feel like I lack media literacy and general problem solving skills, even though I possessed an impressively high level of both as close as a few years ago.

For some reason, I feel like I've huffed 30 cubic meters of petrol fumes and my brain deteriorated. Maybe it's the past manias. Maybe I really have brain damage. I almost feel lobotomised?

It leaves me so terribly depressed, I strive to achieve, I strive to think and explore, and yet I can't. I feel powerless, useless, passive.

I struggle to put that feeling into words (likely because of my consequent idiocy), but I'm stuck in this absolute hell of intellectual inability and it makes me feel like a failure. I'm a failure of a human being. This October I'm starting a second university course and I don't think I can manage. I feel too stupid.

My writing seems worse than ever. I once hoped to become a professional writer, but nowadays I doubt I'm even cognitively fit for working a simple, routine, non-intellectual job. I'm slow, distracted, easily fatigued. My mind is empty. It hurts.

I just want to feel worthy. I want to feel like I understand. Understand anything meaningful. I feel like I'm too stupid for any truly cool people to be interested in knowing me. I've lost myself and I have no muscle strength left to go looking.