#i have a super irrational fear of posting groups idk so just as a heads up i'm not familiar almost at all with some of these groups

[sillyabtmusic]

♡ my top songs of 2023 ♡

i wasn't tagged by anyone, i just wanted to do one of these! 2023 has been my first real year exploring kpop and all that, so all things considered i haven't listened to the most new releases, as i was listening to older releases mixed in with everything, but i think all of these have been some of my top faves! and it being my first year is part of the reason i wanted to make one of these since it's cool to me idk ^_^

hopefully this year i'll listen to a lot more new releases than last year, and at the end i hope to have a hard time narrowing down my choices. i had difficulty for this set, but overall not too much. also because a lot of my faves are b-sides that didn't get any performances i could gif so they were easy to eliminate lol

[sanguinesprout]

A glimmer of sunshine on a chilly spring day, possibility of a rainstorm later (Updates and blah)

A month flew by again, I can’t remember much of what happened other than that it started with another huge argument between me and my sis again. I had a long cry, reflected on things and let all the negativity seep out and diffuse like other times, something I needed to refocus myself. This time for sure I know I was in the wrong and it was all over something small and petty. I don’t know why I was being so irrational and it just made me hate myself and my messed up mental state all the more. 

The good thing from this though is I’m a lot more aware of another of my irrational sorts of thoughts/behaviours. It’s a fear much like everything else holding me back. Well, I see you now and every time you pop up, I’m going to try my best to shove you far far aside and prove you wrong!

One thing that happened during the argument was that my dad came to see what happened and even though I tried hard to hide it, like I always do, he saw me crying... This was such a big deal in my mind, like I can’t ever show this part of me, it makes me feel like I’m weak. Like it’s so taboo because my parents never show this side of them and because I’m an adult now too it just feels...idk maybe something disappointing to them..? 

The other thing is it’s awkward because they don’t know how to react. I just pushed him away. I shouldn’t feel this way though, it just perpetuates it, it’s okay to cry and be seen crying, to seek comfort and be human! I wish it wasn’t so hard, but because it’s the way it’s always been, it’s even more difficult to change. Emotional support is just something that wasn’t there, but I want it to be for all of us. Anyways, like all arguments go, we made up later on but I was the one to apologise first, because it was mostly my fault after all.

Something else came up that has been really difficult and saddening lately. My mum is ill. Not the passing common type of illness but something much more serious and I’m so worried and sad for her. Me and my family tried my best to look after her when she was too sick to do anything and thankfully she is doing better now with some medications but there’s the matter of having to do many more tests and the long waits for results to find out what is really happening.

I’m really hoping everything is going to be alright, that it is mild if there really is something wrong and that it can be fixed and she can be healthy again. She was trying to be strong and actually never told me the full story because she probably didn’t want me to worry more and because it’s difficult, but she told my sister and my sister told me. 

Just like before, I wish we could be there for each other properly. I’ll try my best to comfort her and reassure her as I have been doing, I won’t tell her I know what my sister told me, though it’ll probably be out later on. I don’t want her to be sad or ill, I need to take care of them better, take on more responsibilities. It’s crucial that I get a job asap and/or that I learn the skills needed to take over in the worst case. I just really hope it won’t get to that.

In other less glum events, I went to the interview for the retail job I mentioned in the last post. I actually tried extremely hard this time. I interacted as much as possible, talked and answered as much as I could. I was actually really proud of myself for really going all out, just tossing my fear aside even though my heart was bursting out of my chest in anxiousness. I tried to be like the people that shone in previous interviews. I’m glad I tried and I’ve grown and learned some more.

The only bad thing was once the group portion of the interview was over, I screwed up my individual interview bad. I blanked and struggled again. Out of the few interviewers I had the strictest and they shot me down on some of my answers, but still I tried. This time I was feeling a little more hopeful, like I actually had more of a chance this time, though the outcome was a rejection a few days later, oh well, I did the best I could at the time.

Upon returning home I went over everything in my head, I saw all the flaws or potential flaws and it felt bad but I won’t linger too long on it. Now that I know what I did wrong and what I did better this time, I can carry this over to my next attempt, keep trying till I get it. Of course there are many more factors than just what is done and said at the interview to choosing the successful candidates, so I can't beat myself about it too much, who knows what reasons others were chosen or why I wasn’t chosen, it could’ve been anything. I’m not that sad about it, it’s just another step on the journey.

Something else that happened since then is that I’ve gotten another interview elsewhere! Another retail job that I think fits me pretty well and I think I might like. It is super super soon and I’m nervous but a little less this time because it is said to not be formal or nerve-wracking like a normal interview, more of a group exercise thing. My sis actually went for the same thing and has informed me that it was exactly as such. I just hope that in the small chance I have to really make an impression, that I do well and that I will be successful. Of course if that doesn’t happen, at least I tried and I’ll keep trying again. Always learning and being able to do better.

I was feeling a bit more confident about my social skills, like I’m not completely inept, just kinda awkward at times, but very friendly and compassionate that’s much more important really. I really want to improve on this and show myself and others that I can communicate well and make friends just like I’ve been able to in the past. I can make it outta this hole, I just need to try more and not let my internal cringing and criticism take hold. What I think of myself is not always what others think. What I notice is not what others notice.

In other ‘leisure/educational/creative’ events, I tried a little more sewing and it’s hard and I was scared to do things wrong and welp, things went wrong, but that’s part of the learning process. I know to research and prepare better next time. I also did a little art and used materials I’ve been avoiding using because of unfamiliarity (and fear of failure/wastage again) and it actually went okay! It wasn’t perfect but I can tell I improved a little since last time. That’s something nice to know! It was actually a piece for my mum and she liked it, I’m happy, I was hoping it could maybe cheer her up a bit ^^

A little more motivation, a little more showing myself it’s okay to make mistakes and to be less afraid of just trying. More action, less overthinking! This is the way to go! If only my motivation and energy wells weren’t always running so low by default... even in this state, things must go on, I need to push onwards!

C’mon I can do this, do all the things important to life AND important to me! Nothing changes if I don’t actually do anything. Nothing ventured nothing gained!

Okay, I’m feeling a lot more motivated now. I should do something productive while I still feel alright! Go go go!

Have a fresh and productive spring start! :D

[ifyouregoingtakethemoon]

some thoughts on jealousy and friendship

(and wow? do I sound pretentious?? I swear I’m really chill and down-to-earth in real life lmao)

so idk if anyone is reading this but if you are woahh you’re amazing!  but like; story time (and idk if this is a narcissistic thing to do? I rarely tend to post much personal stuff on my blog but one of my friends was talking about someone blogging and I was sort of like ‘I have a blog, but I dont really blog as such’ and then this stuff I’m about to write about popped into my head so I was like ‘hey why not blog about it’) :

anyway, so, when I was eight years old (2nd grade), I moved schools. at the previous school, I had a few friends but not really any super close friends. when I moved to the new school (which, by the way, was a like hippy alternative school and it just wasn’t for me. but that’s irrelevant) my (twin) sister and I were the two new kids in this group of kids who had all been in the same class together since kindergarten (that’s just the way they grouped the classes at this school), so everyone wanted to hang out with us (a phenomenon I have not experienced since! lol), but did anyone else have that same thing in primary school where you had to stay inside/in a certain area until you finished eating lunch? and I was a really slow eater (now I eat super fast! hehe) so I seldom went out to play at the same time with all the other kids. There was this one other girl who was an even slower eater than me - so naturally, we clicked together and I used to hang out with her heaps.

she was like pretty nice, but we didn’t actually have all that much in common, and, after being at that school for like six months, I started to branch out and make some other friends (also, when you’re a twin, you sort of get to be friends with your sister’s friends too). like I did hang out with other kids, but mostly with this one girl. our friendship was kind of just circumstantial. 

I think it’s important to add that this girl wasn’t very well liked among our class. actually, mostly this was for irrational reasons like “she’s really messy” or “her food smells gross.” and even then, as an eight year-old, I pitied her so badly for this. I think she was aware that she could get pity for the way that she was treated. towards the end of the time that we were ‘best friends’ (I put this in quotation marks because, really, that means nothing at eight years old), she used to very frequently mention others, and always say rude/diminishing things about them. and she would never hesitate to call someone messy. my point is that, yes, people weren’t kind to her, but, at any rate, I was being unkind to both myself and her by only hanging out with her from pity.

once I stopped hanging out with her, she still came up to me and told me about all of the rude things that whoever-id-just-spent-time-with had said to her. I don’t really remember this time all that well, but I do remember spending everyday feeling guilty for being with other people. the thing was, despite my guilt, I did feel much happier with my other friends. I’ve always had trouble defining between whether I should do things for my own good or for the good of others, and, most of the time, I’d end up sitting by myself and justifying this by “I just feel like being alone” because I didn’t want to be around someone whose company I didn’t enjoy at all, but I couldn’t bear the guilt of not being around said person. only recently, I’ve realised that I actually prefer to be around people than to be alone. I’ve just always found spending time alone so much easier, as I’d spent so much time having to justify to myself that I was allowed to hang out with people who I liked being around. literally only this year (at 15 years old), I’ve discovered that I love being around people. I still like spending time alone, but I would usually rather be around my friends.

I realise how much this sounds like I wasn’t a very nice kid. and maybe, I really wasn’t. I still think that, as with most kids and teenagers, my views of my own social life are pretty warped.

anyway, this continued through most of 3rd grade and then, in 4th grade, there was this huge incident surrounding this girl and the rest of the girls in that class (we were the same group as in 2nd grade, plus another girl who came new that year, and was briefly friends with this girl, in the same circumstances as me. the girl who came new that year actually became my best friend, and I think that same girl who was the both of us’ first friend really detested us both.) where one of the ‘cooler’ girls started this thing of running away from said girl. the rest of us sort of played along because, frankly, in a really cruel 10-year-old way, none of us did want to be with her. then, apparently, some other girl called her a ‘bitch’ (ok this one girl never really showed up to school but when she did she did some pretty ‘mature’ things) and we sort of spent the rest of lunch collectively running away from her and avoiding her. I’m not under any illusions; this was extremely terrible of us. 

that afternoon, (omg how over dramatic do I sound??) I literally spent the whole time sitting in my room in absolute fear that my mum would somehow find out what happened. that’s the thing about guilt - it completely consumes you. sure enough, my mum received a phone call from this girl’s mum talking about the incident. moreover, this girl’s mum said that myself, along with my closest friend (the girl who came new that year), and another girl were the ‘ring leaders’ of the whole thing. I literally froze. and I’ve had similar feelings since, because I literally don’t know how to go on. I didn’t know how I could possibly go to school and face the whole situation. I felt like I deserved to die or be completely socially shunned or something. the thing that got me through this was talking to my friends, who were all also part of the incident. for the most part, we shared guilt (except for some, who were just like ‘nah bitch deserved it’) but supported each other all the same. for us all, this was a huge thing. especially seeing that this girl’s mum had the power to talk to all of our parents. 

thankfully, we had this substitute teacher at the time (our normal teacher was pretty eccentric and not great with this kind of thing) who actually dealt with the situation pretty okay. we sort of all sat around in a circle and talked about things. I’m pretty sure I cried a lot in front of all the other girls, which is extraordinarily embarrassing tbh. 

but anyway, I’m almost quite sure that I was super over sensitive - but you need to understand the position I was already in with that girl, and the way that the class worked.

like halfway through 4th grade, my sister and I moved to another school in the area. but ever since what happened with that girl, I think I really didn’t know how to juggle friendships with different people. I think I was always scared of the maniacal jealous girl who would make me feel bad for wanting to be friends with other people. and I know that this just comes from the fear of being lonely. but I have a fear of feeling guilty, I’ve realised, and it is absolutely super easy to make me feel very guilty. 

idk where this has gone and there’s a whole other story with another girl from that same school that I may elaborate on in another post. this is mostly just for my venting sake, but I hope that maybe this can be of help to people similar to me? 

I think my point is that jealousy and possessiveness in friendship shouldn’t be turned into attacking innocent parties. because this just causes the friendship to turn sour, but creates a situation where one person is made to feel too guilty to let the friendship go, so they have to resort to other, ultimately very mean, ways of making other friends. I just think that we should never let jealousy (or guilt, for that matter, because I feel like this is concerned here too, and I know I’ve let guilt get the better of me all too many times) take hold of us. it’s okay if your friends want to be friends with other people. perhaps if you’re reasonable about it, everyone can all be friends together!