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chambersandfogg · 4 months

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November 21st, 1918

They said we’d be home by Christmas and, against all odds, that may very well be true.

It’s over. We will not have to endure another endless winter in the mud and ice, watching our fellow soldiers’ toes turn black. I only suffered one such season, but I believe I may be done with both the cold and the outdoors for quite some time because of it.

I am not built for this. If I am being honest with myself, I don’t think anyone is built for this. There is something inhuman, unnatural, to this war. I understand that man has fought with man for as long as we’ve walked this earth, but this war is something beyond the realm of human conflict. It is as if we’ve been given the power of the gods and have decided to wage war with it despite being mere mortals ourselves.

They are calling it the Great War. Or the “war to end all wars”. I think the former lends it too much grandiosity and the latter is foolishly optimistic. We are all tired, worn out from the endless tension, the dwindling rations, the howling whistle of mortar shells before they explode, and I have no doubt that the other side feels just the same. And yet I also have no doubt that even this unending destruction has failed to sate the blood-lust that seems to run so deep in the veins of man. This war will not end wars; it has merely changed them.

There is no glory in battle. This is what I have discovered. It is not like the tales of knights and kings that I read as a boy. It is brutish and cruel, turning man into something less than he is. I feel diminished.

When it became clear that I had been given the great gift of, at the very least, an exceptionally long life, if not an unending one, I began to revel in the idea that I should get closer to experiencing every aspect of the human condition than any man has ever come before. And I set out immediately to make that true. I have traveled far and wide, have performed on the world’s great stages, have taken lovers on two continents, have read more books, attended more theatrical performances, eaten more delicious food and drank more expensive wine than I could have ever imagined. I have been to war. I have killed.

Not all human experience is made equal. This is at the very heart of the discovery I have made. Fighting in this terrible conflict, seeing the light go out of another man’s eyes, has put into stark relief just how blessed I have been in my life. I had an inkling of my own good fortune, of course. Lord knows my parents always made sure to tell me that I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth and that I would be a fool to spit it out. But my life had not been without its hardship. I spent decades toiling in a career that I was ready to give up on before the tides turned. I have had public failures and hundreds of arguments with my family. I have been lonely. But I hadn’t experienced true pain until this last year.

Charles has experienced pain in his life. Many times. The loss of his mother hit him terribly hard, and I suspect his childhood was difficult, though he has never told me all that much about it, despite my occasional prodding. He has always been the yardstick against which I measure my accomplishments, but in recent years he’s become a kind of mirror as well. After all, who else on this earth could understand me or the way that I experience the world?

Except he doesn’t understand me. And I don’t understand him, not really. I’m sorry to say that our arguments over my joining the war effort did not cease as the months marched on. I had gone to great lengths to conceal my injury from him while I was still under the watchful eye of the medics—he had no reason to discover that I was receiving his letters to the infirmary—but he uncovered the truth all the same. And it didn’t seem to matter that, by that point, I was back in the field with only a scarred thigh to show for it; he took every opportunity after that to chastise me for getting blown up and encourage me to abandon my compatriots and go home. Yet he refused to be reasoned with when I suggested he be the one to leave the war.

It angered me, that he could so clearly see how ill-equipped I was for the front. Especially considering that he was never in combat the way that I was. How should he know what it takes to drive a bayonet through a man when all his killing occurred in a lab?

I shouldn’t squabble over the ways in which the war has scarred us. And, to be fair to Charlie, I have no idea if he is still relatively unscathed. I know he’s alive, he wrote me on the eleventh, seemingly as soon as he had heard the news, though I only just now received the letter. But I have not seen him in the flesh since his leave in London in ’16. Despite being, I imagine, mere miles apart at times, the war never did bring our paths together. Just as he had wanted. But it does strike me as strange, that I have run into him unexpectedly so many times in my life, but the moment I make an effort to find him, he eludes me.

Perhaps that is precisely the problem. Perhaps whatever means he used to learn of my injury also alerted him to every instance I tried to learn his current whereabouts. Perhaps it wasn’t that I couldn’t find him, but that he didn’t want to be found.

[from the personal diary of J.S. Fogg]

[listen to New Year’s Day wherever you get your podcasts. to read the pre-1917 entries, join atypical artists and get access to the archive of 24 entries (5,000+ words), as well as ad-free episodes. to receive future monthly missives straight to your inbox, sign up for free here]

#journal #fogg #chambers and fogg #new year's day podcast #lauren shippen

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kenobistan · 1 month

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Nature Unmakes the Boundary: Star Wars OC

~~hello tumblr void. ive produced my first fic ever. chapter 1 of an ongoing project. this oc ive been working up is not picking up on master kenobi working his charm. READ AND SAVE ON A03 <3~~

The Clone Wars rage on. Padawan Enyali Hawkes struggles with the reality of war after enduring her first battle on Kamino. General Kenobi suggests that she and the other padawans rest at the temple for a few days. She may come to find more comfort in the presence of the General than she does on her own.

Enyali was glad to have a small chance at a peaceful moment after such a stressful mission. She had been one of the Jedi sent with General Kenobi to the front lines to defend Kamino against a Separatist attack.

It was Enyali’s first proper battle on the front lines of defense. The Republic forces had secured Kamino from Separatist invasion but at a great cost. She was glad for the victory, but felt a tug of sadness when she remembered the price that had been paid in lives.

After the mission, General Kenobi had kindly but firmly suggested she and the few other Jedi that were on the mission return to the Jedi temple for a few days to recover and recenter their energy. When she heard he would also be taking a small reprieve from his tour of battles, she accepted his suggestion. If the General can have a day or two to recover, why couldn’t she?

Enyali and a few other soon-to-be Jedi Knights sat in the late afternoon sun in one of the Temple’s meditation rooms. A few Masters were there too, along with Master Kenobi, all enjoying the fresh air that came in through openings in the tall windows and the considerable quiet of the room.

Enyali usually didn’t have any trouble settling into her meditations, but she was feeling rattled by her time on Kamino and was having a hard time quieting her mind. The sounds of battle repeated in her head, the groans of pain as clones fell around her, the constant sound of blasters firing.

She hoped that no one could sense her unease. She did have a reputation of being tough, someone who took whatever came at her and brushed it off without a second thought. She tried again to quiet her mind.

After sitting in the mental discomfort for the better part of an hour, she felt a subtle ripple in the Force, something like silk flowing over her senses. “Strange,” she thought, leaning into the pleasant sensation. Her mind finally settled.

Until it didn’t. And she was back to her uncomfortable racing thoughts.

Several minutes had passed and she felt it again. Something gentle brushing up against her Force signature.

She opened her eyes, curious to see if anyone else had felt the same sensation she had felt. She scanned the room, her eyes landing on General Kenobi who sat partially facing her, looking at her through half-lidded eyes.

She closed her eyes quickly, embarrassed by her inability to focus. However, she wondered if he had felt it too.

After some time, other knights began to file out, but she stayed, hoping for a few moments alone. The soft footsteps of the exiting knights all lead to the door behind her, but she noticed one lone pair of feet walked towards the window instead.

Enyali opened her eyes and found General Kenobi looking at her again, his golden honey hair lit up in a halo of light from the window behind him.

“Enyali, I didn’t want to disturb you.”

“Not at all, Master.” She knit her brow, wondering why her heart had jumped when she opened her eyes to find him looking down at her from afar.

“I wanted to ask you how you feel—after the battle, that is. I know one’s first battle can be difficult.”

“I’m okay, Master. Thank you for your concern,” she said. She knew Master Kenobi to be caring and welcomed his gentle attention, but her general rule was to keep a polite distance from the Masters, especially the ones she found most interesting.

“And I wondered if you are looking forward to the knighting ceremony. I heard from your Master that you’re doing exceptionally well in your final trials.”

In truth, Enyali hadn’t had much time to think about the upcoming knighting ceremony because of her nervous anticipation before the battle and the ongoing emotional recovery. She supposed she was looking forward to it, not that her skills and capabilities would change because of the ceremony. To her, she was already at the level of a Jedi Knight, ready to defend the Republic and the quest for peace in the galaxy no matter what.

She did not think that Master Kenobi wanted to hear that she thought very little of the ceremony, so she replied, “Yes, Master. I suppose the ceremony will bring an interesting change. But I also wish that we could get back to the troops. I think your choice to rest for a day or two is wise, but I do not like the idea of us sitting here trying to meditate when there is such ongoing pain all around us.”

She wondered if she had said too much.

“I see. I had noticed your energy seemed to be a bit unsettled this afternoon.” She averted her eyes to the ground in front of her at that. Had her discomfort been so noticeable in the Force?

He caught her embarrassment. “I do not think anyone else noticed.”

He walked towards her with a hand extended to help her from her seated position on the ground. She reached up and noticed his strong hand was somehow calloused yet somehow soft.

“But you noticed?” she questioned.

“I did, but perhaps it was because I am feeling similarly. I find it hard to stay still when there is a war to be fought, but we must be mindful of ourselves. If we cannot sit and be with the Force in a meditiation room, how could we expect ourselves to be with the Force on a battlefield?”

His point made sense, and Enyali was surprised by his confession that he was also having trouble focusing during his meditiation. Master Kenobi seemed like such the perfect example of a Master who is always with the Force, and to know that sometimes he finds it difficult made her feel less alone in her struggle to calm her mind.

“Would you like to join me for dinner then, Enyali?” he asked, extending an arm towards the door to head her out.

“That would be nice.”

Enyali and Master Kenobi sat side by side, across from Anakin Skywalker who had decided to join them upon catching up with them in the corridor. Enyali and Anakin had worked together a decent amount recently with them about to be knighted at the same time. Their ceremony was still a ways away, but both Anakin and Enyali had already begun to take on the attitude and air of a knight rather than a padawan.

The three made polite talk over dinner, keeping the conversation pointedly away from their recent losses in battle. Obi Wan inquired more into her thoughts on the status of the padawans in her class, gently enticing her to talk more about herself, and gently brushing her forearm with his fingers when he wanted her to speak more candidly than the normal formal and reserved speech that he had noticed she only used around other Masters.

Even Anakin had caught on to the way she spoke so formally around the Masters compared to him and their peers. He found it especially amusing as he watched his own Master try to draw her out of her shell.

Towards the end of the meal, their conversation ebbed, and they sat in somewhat comfortable silence. Enyali had noticed, though, that when she looked away from them both to take a bite of her food that the Master and his Padawan would continue to have their own sort of conversation between galnces and the subtlest changes in their faces. Enyali silently wishes that she could have a connection where words did not have to be exchanged in order to be understood. Her Master was wonderful, of course, but Enyali often wondered if she was the reason their relationship lacked a certain intimacy that Master Kenobi and Akakin seemed to share.

Exhausted by the thought of such an intimate connection, Enyali excused herself to retire to her room and continue to work through her unsettled mind.

#obi wan kenobi #obi wan kenobi x oc #star wars #star wars the clone wars #sw tcw #tcw #anakin skywalker #original character #oc #jedi oc #enyali hawkes #master x padawan #fluff #fluff and angst

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miidia · 4 months

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Ah, Minecraft - Volume Alpha. The album you are. No sweeter sounds than the enchanting synths of the 'Subwoofer Lullaby' or the ghastly piano of 'Dry Hands'. And of course, 'Key', easily the most haunting of the three. This is decidedly a haunting album. I am haunted by the complicated memories of playing this game alone.

Most people wouldn't have been hearing this early Minecraft soundtrack if they were not playing alone. Most people, myself included, wouldn't even have known with what rhyme or reason it played in-game. It seemed random but felt so opportune. These delicate tracks would begin playing with no apparent stimulus, but in that moment it would feel so right. For me, these were either quiet weekend moments or late weeknight evening ones.

Make no mistake; I spent an incredible amount of time playing multiplayer Minecraft on arcade servers for quite literally days on end. I was on Skype like zombies on villagers. Still, there was a very special place in my heart for solo survival. It's all so bittersweet now; I reflect on the touching moments as well as the emotionally complex ones. On one hand, the experience of this game, this exceptionally crafted music... it was freeing. It allowed me to spend time with myself in a medium that felt safe and full of yet unimagined potential. On the other hand, the acute solitude sometimes became an unsettling aspect of the experience. Even the early Minecraft world renders were bigger than some of our biggest celestial bodies. That can be awfully lonely. And then the music would play. Suddenly, you're not just cutting birch wood surrounded by yellow flowers... you're also realizing that like this programmed day of 24000 ticks and the world file itself (not to mention the melodies behind it all), the real day just outside your window is so, too, transient. The sun will set, the weekend will end, the memories made in solo and together will just be memories. The homework comes back, the classes, the responsibility. And eventually that ended, too. I can't even go back to that bedroom where I spent so much time in dark caves looking for diamonds but only finding coal.

Maybe all that change would have been scarier without having Minecraft to teach me that such change is truly what we are here enjoy. Beauty is dynamic.

I haven't played much Minecraft recently; it has probably been around two years since I really sat down to enjoy the came. I think in good time I will come back to it. Despite how both the game and I have dramatically changed since those days of Minecraft - Volume Alpha, I am grateful that we are still able to have a connection.

Until next time,

Goose

#music #Minecraft Volume Alpha #personal blog #media

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xtruss · 10 months

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Dr. Martin Luther King's ‘Dream’ No Closer To Reality

— Anthony Moretti | August 29, 2023

Illustration: Xia Qing/Global Times

It remains one of the signature events of the 1960s in the US: Dr. Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech. Delivered on August 28, 1963, it was Dr. King's most powerful reminder of what America was not, but still had a chance to be: A place where his children and all other children would "one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character."

He noted that a century after the end of slavery, "the Negro still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity."

Sixty years later, Dr. King's dream is no closer to reality. In fact, America might be further away now from achieving racial equality than it was during the 1960s. Most major politicians appear to not care. The majority of White Americans feel the same.

Black children (and the same can be said for Hispanic and Asian children) continue to be judged by the color of their skin in too many places across the country. Racism, perhaps the ugliest stain in America's history, is alive and well. A recent poll conducted by the USA Today newspaper and Suffolk University, located in Boston, Massachusetts, shows that 79 percent of Black Americans consider racism to be a major problem in the US but only 17 percent of White Americans thought the same.

Segregation might not be legal, but make no mistake, it still exists in the US. "White flight," in which Whites leave pockets of a city as it becomes more ethnically or racial diverse, shows no sign of ending. Research indicates that Whites persist in exiting areas where Blacks, Asians and Hispanics enter, indicating that the distrust of these people "who are not like us" guarantees that a kind of unofficial segregation carries on.

“America is "Exceptionally" Bad for Blacks. No One has Taken-up Dr King's Cause. So, Do Not Expect Anything to Change.”

One of the effects of this unofficial segregation is that the economic disparity between White America and Black America remains in place. That "lonely island of poverty" continues to be the metaphorical home for too many of America's minorities. The Federal Reserve notes that White Americans hold 80 percent of the wealth in the US, a country in which the average White family has a net worth of roughly $1.3 million while the average Black family's net worth is approximately $350,000. Simplifying these dollar amounts, it is evident that Whites are better positioned to buy homes and cars, send their kids to college and go on vacation. They also are better prepared for an economic catastrophe, such as a husband or wife losing a job.

Knowing all of this, America certainly should have been a place acknowledging how much more needs to be done in order to make that dream a reality took place.

National Public Radio (NPR) provided a perhaps unintentional reminder of the blasé reaction Americans had to the anniversary of Dr. King's speech. In one of its reports, it stated, "Six decades ago, an estimated 250,000 people gathered at the Lincoln Memorial for ... Martin Luther King Jr's 'I have a dream' speech ... On Saturday, tens of thousands of people gathered in that same spot to declare that dream was in jeopardy - that America had slid backwards in its fight against hatred and bigotry."

In case you missed it, 250,000 people in 1963 and "tens of thousands" in 2023. And was President Joe Biden among them? No. President Biden returned to the White House on Saturday, the same day as the gathering mentioned by NPR, after a vacation spent in Nevada. He, or a ghostwriter, did pen an editorial that appeared in the Washington Post, in which he wrote a lot about what his administration is doing to make life better for Blacks throughout the US. In fact, the editorial read more like a "hey, do not forget that I am running for re-election next year and I could really use your vote" statement rather than a call for action for the country.

America often boasts of its "exceptionalism," but when it comes to racism and economic disparity, a different word must be used: America is "exceptionally" bad for Blacks. No one has taken up Dr King's cause. So, do not expect anything to change.

— Anthony Moretti: The Author is an Associate Professor at the Department of Communication and Organizational Leadership at Robert Morris University, 6001 University Boulevard, Moon Township, PA 15108 USA

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crafty-lei · 11 months

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GO2: the relationships

Good Omens 2 SPOILERS AHEAD. If you haven't watched the whole thing at least once through, DO NOT READ. Also minor Supernatural spoilers, if you've been living under a rock for the last year or so.

Coming into this series, I have a long history, as most of us do, of being let down when it comes to heteronormative presenting shows giving us queer main relationships. Supernatural, anyone? Dumbledore being gay also comes to mind. I can think of so many more, like Teen Wolf or 9-1-1 more recently.

It is one thing for a show which bills itself as being LGBTQ to have queer main relationships, like Heartstopper. These characteristically advertise their LGBTQ-ness. And many ensemble dramas will give you queer characters that are queer presenting from the start - Hen and TK in 9-1-1 and Lone Star come to mind, Modern Family, etc., although as in these cases, they are not particularly the "main" characters.

But the development of queer relationships in characters not originally presented as being queer are exceptionally rare and almost always, if they do happen, women. Willow and Tara from Buffy are the best example I can think of - main characters in an ensemble cast, Willow had multiple heterosexual relationships but then meets and falls in love with a woman. At the time it felt groundbreaking. I could go into the implications of this being a female/female rather than male/male relationship, but I'll take it as read that we know that TV prefers to cater to male gazes and move on? But similar not-upfront-queer male-presenting characters then developing a queer relationship, it almost never happens. I cannot actually think of a single time when it has happened.

Supernatural is a good example - Dean has many heterosexual relationships, Castiel is an Angel so agender but male-presenting, and presented initially as asexual, but he also then has heterosexual relationships. The chemistry was very clear, and Misha Collins has clearly said that his last scene was meant romantically, but that was as far as it got, and ended with a kill-your-gays trope death scene.

Like Castiel, Crowley nor Aziraphale are agender Angel/Demons, but are mostly male-presenting characters and from reading the book and most of season 1, they are not initially presented as romantically connected. So although many fans, David Tennant, Michael Sheen and Neil Gaiman himself seemed to see and feel the romantic connection between the two angels, given the givens, I really didn't expect to actually see a relationship happen. Some euphemistic indicators that possibly they have a romantic connection that could be denied if the Pope asked, maybe. Kissing, definitely unexpected! I actually didn't know what to do with myself!

It's also interesting when you consider that Good Omens was written in England and published in 1990 - in the UK in 1988 a law called Section 28 was published, which made it illegal to "promote homosexuality". In 1990, gay relationships were still subject to discrimination, gay couples could not get married, adopt or foster and men in particular were subjected to a raft of discriminatory behaviour due to the fear sparked by the AIDs epidemic and the false correlation between that and homosexuality and the medical malpractice and ignorance they suffered as a result. This story, written in this time and about Angels as well, would have been exceptionally difficult to imagine being a love story.

Incidentally, most of Harry Potter was published under Section 28, as it was repealed in 2003 so only HBP and DH were published after Section 28, so Dumbledore's 'gayness' would have potentially been illegal to include in the earlier books. When you think of the stark cultural differences between Good Omens' publication in 1990 and the TV show in 2019, it's easier to really quantify the stark changes that the country has undergone since decriminalisation in 1967 (only 55 years ago), or the last executions of homosexual men in England in 1835, not even 200 years ago.

#SPOILERS #good omens 2 spoilers #Seriously do not read this until you have watched Good Omens 2!!!

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brn1029 · 1 year

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On this date in music history….I’ve cut out all the bullshit about Megan theee stallion and all that other crap…

March 9th

2020 - Keith Olsen

American record producer Keith Olsen died age 74. He worked with many artists including Rick Springfield, Fleetwood Mac, Ozzy Osbourne, the Grateful Dead, Whitesnake, Pat Benatar, Heart, Santana, Foreigner, Scorpions, Magnum, Journey, Emerson, Lake & Palmer, Joe Walsh, and Eric Burdon & the Animals.

2016 - Pop Records

A study by The Journal of Advanced Nursing reported that pop records set a bad example by portraying ageing and old people in a negative light, focusing on dying and physical decline. Researchers trawled the musical archives from the 1930s to the present day for any tracks mentioning old age. The majority, 55 out of 76 songs, focused on 'bad' aspects of ageing. The Beatles and Elton John featured on the 'negative list', along with Pulp and The Who.

2012 - Jerry Lee Lewis

76-year-old Jerry Lee Lewis married for the seventh time when he wed his caregiver Judith Brown. Lewis split from his sixth wife, Kerrie McCarver, in 2004 after twenty years of marriage. Brown, who was 14 years younger than Lewis, was previously married to the star's cousin Rusty.

2007 - Brad Delp

Brad Delp lead singer of US rock band Boston committed suicide by carbon monoxide poisoning in at his home in the New Hampshire town of Atkinson. He died from the smoke of two charcoal grills he’d lit inside his sealed master bathroom. He was found by police lying on a pillow on his bathroom floor with a note paper-clipped to his shirt which read: "Mr. Brad Delp. I am a lonely soul." Boston had the 1977 UK No.22 single 'More Than A Feeling' and the 1986 US No.1 single 'Amanda.'

1987 - U2

U2 released their fifth studio album The Joshua Tree which features the singles 'Where The Streets Have No Name', and 'I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For'. The album became the fastest selling in UK history and the first album to sell over a million CDs, spending a total of 201 weeks on the UK chart. It topped the charts in over 20 countries and became U2's first US No.1 album.

1971 - Led Zeppelin

Led Zeppelin appeared at Leeds University, Leeds, England, during their 'Back To The Clubs' tour. This was the first tour which saw Zeppelin performing 'Stairway To Heaven', 'Black Dog' and 'Going To California.'

1970 - Black Sabbath

Having recently changed their name from Earth to Black Sabbath, Ozzy Osbourne, Tony Iommi, Geezer Butler and Bill Ward made their concert debut at The Roundhouse, London.

1968 - Bob Dylan

Bob Dylan started a ten week run at No.1 on the UK chart with John Wesley Harding. The album marked Dylan's return to acoustic music after three albums of electric rock music and was exceptionally well received by critics, also reaching No.2 on the US charts. The commercial performance was considered remarkable, considering that Dylan had made Columbia Records release the album without much publicity.

1967 - Pink Floyd

Pink Floyd and The Thoughts appeared at The Marquee Club London, England. The Marquee club has often been defined as 'the most important venue in the history of pop music', not only for having been the scene of the development of modern music culture in London, but also for having been an essential meeting point for some of the most important artists in rock music.

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rocorambles · 4 years

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Murder of Crows

Pairing: Hinata, Kageyama, Yamaguchi, Tsukishima, Yachi x Reader aka a Karasuno first-year gangbang (Takes place when they’re all third years.)

Genre/Warnings: Yandere, Toxic Relationships, Rape/Non-con, Degradation

Summary: You should have trusted your gut when you first felt the wandering eyes and lingering stares, but now it’s too late and you’ll learn first hand what it feels like to be utterly defeated by a murder of crows.

Requested by Anon

You’re not quite sure how exactly you’ve found yourself here in a gym full of sweaty athletes, hauling a basket of ice cold water bottles to the sidelines with your best friend, Yachi, but here you are. With a loud thud, both of you drop the heavy container down and grab the pile of towels just in time for the boys who are quickly approaching you, splattering droplets of sweat everywhere and you crinkle your nose and playfully pretend to gag as they draw near. Tsukishima rolls his eyes at your antics, but he nods his head in thanks as he grabs a clean towel from you. You patiently wait as some other team members relieve you of the pile of fabric in your hands before Yachi and you sit on the bench as Yamaguchi and Coach Ukai order the team to gather around as they discuss practice drills.

You smile fondly at the way Yamaguchi confidently holds himself as he stands next to Coach Ukai with shoulders squared and a serious, but kind face directed at the rest of the team. To think that the shy Yamaguchi you had met when Yachi had first started helping out the team during your first year would grow to be the respectable captain that he is now. But he’s not the only one who’s gone through drastic changes and you look over the rest of the third-years intently listening to him. Hell, you even turn to briefly look at Yachi and yourself. When you had become friends with Yachi at the beginning of high school you barely knew what volleyball was, let alone thought of managing the team and yet here you both are as third-years, decked out in the black Karasuno warm-up track suit.

Yachi was your first and best friend by far of the group, but you can’t deny that over the last two years you’ve also gotten closer to the rest of the boys in the same year as you. Well, you suppose they technically aren’t boys anymore. A faint smile plays on your lips as you reminisce on all the memories you’ve shared together between study sessions that somehow became just tutoring sessions as you all tried to force information into Hinata and Kageyama’s heads and exhausted nights where all of you slumped in front of Coach Ukai’s store eating meat buns and chatting away until he kicked all of you out and made you go home. But that smile turns downwards when you think about some of the more recent and less positive changes in your friends.

You can’t quite put your finger on it. You know the six of you are exceptionally close, almost weirdly close, but you had just chalked it up to the fact that you all see each other for hours every day between classes, volleyball, and after school and weekend study sessions and hangouts. Yet that doesn’t stop the slight unease from growing inside of you as you observe the increasingly strange behaviors your friends exhibit and it’s only become more...physical...now that you’re all in your third year and officially all adults.

You had visibly winced when Yachi had first introduced you to Hinata and the orange haired ball of energy had decided to scream a greeting at you, but you couldn’t keep the wide grin from spreading across your face as you got swept up in his enthusiasm. Every moment with him felt like riding an exhilarating roller coaster and maybe that’s why you barely noticed how strange it was that he came knocking on your door almost every single day asking you to come hang out or jog with him, how strange it was that he texted you as soon as you got up, blowing up your phone all day until you went to sleep. You were so caught up in the wild ride that Hinata Shouyou was that you never had the chance to get off and think about how you had even gotten on this ride in the first place and when was the last time you had been able to take a break from it. You were still flipping upside down in loops as you entered your third year and the ride just became more intense as he began wrapping his wiry arms around you at practice, nonchalantly talking to the rest of the team with your body firmly pulled against him and his chin resting on your shoulder. You had shooed him off of you the first few times, but he had turned his huge puppy eyes on you and no one else on the team seemed to care, so you just went along with it.

Kageyama took a little more time to warm up to you, but you didn’t take it personally knowing how reserved he was. However, over time and after a particularly long study session you had personally sat with him through, he had left a carton of his favorite milk on your desk and you had beamed at the innocent object. He started hovering around you more after that. The two of you never really spoke much, but you enjoyed the peaceful and comfortable quiet that surrounded both of you and yet, despite his silence, you noticed that he spoke loudly through his actions. You were beyond shocked the first time you had sat down to lunch with him, ready to dig into your food, when he had frowned at your bento, taken it from you, and removed some of your rice while adding more meat and vegetables without saying a single word to you. Mouth still open in disbelief, you had pierced him with a questioning look only to receive a muttered reply about making sure you were eating a balanced diet. Your heart had fluttered at the endearing reasoning, but it had become a bit strange later on when he would hand feed you, practically shoving a stalk of broccoli or a piece of chicken in your mouth even at times that you said you were too full to eat anymore. But that just meant Kageyama cared for you, right? You know the boy’s terrible when it comes to social interactions, so you shrug it off.

Yamaguchi has arguably gone through the most dramatic personality change since you had first met him and you’re so proud of the confident leader he’s become. But even in your second year with him, you had sworn that sometimes there was a hint of something...darker, hungry...something lurking underneath his shy facade that made you shiver in fear. But every time you tried to take a closer look it disappeared only to be replaced with a soft gaze. And now that he’s fully grown into himself, he’s become more physical with everyone, casually slinging his arms around everyone’s shoulders and backs in a comforting, friendly manner as he rallies up team morale. But you can almost swear that when he slings an arm around you in thanks or in greeting, his arm gets progressively lower to the point that you almost recoil from him when you feel his hand brush against the hem of your skirt. But he’s always quick to move away from you and you wonder if all of it is just your imagination or an accident on his part.

You're briefly distracted from your thoughts as loud shouting fills the gym and your eyes are drawn to Tsukishima’s figure as it leaps through the air and blocks a spiked ball. Honestly, you’re surprised you’re even friends with him, let alone close friends. He had been nice enough to not insult you like he did with the rest of the boys, but on the other hand, he rarely spoke even a word to you or acknowledged your presence. But as you hung out with the group more, you noticed the tall shadow that seemed to always walk beside you between classes, to the cafeteria, and back home. And he’d only grown bolder in your last year, wrapping a large hand around your wrist and forcefully dragging you with him when the both of you were running late for volleyball practice. You were so caught up in keeping up with his long strides and complaining loudly about his tight grip on you that you didn’t notice the terrifying glares he shot at any male who even looked at you as the two of you walked through the school halls.

And finally, Yachi, your sweet and adorable best friend. The two of you had hit it off right away as soon as you met each other and it was like you were connected at the hip ever since. You can’t even keep track of the amount of sleepovers, weekend trips, day trips, girl talks, and everything else you’ve done together. But you had found it a little weird when she had slept over for the first time after both of you had officially turned eighteen and insisted on sleeping in the same futon as you. Assuming she was just feeling a bit lonely and nostalgic, you let her slip under the covers with you and drifted off to sleep, unaware of the hand wandering across your resting figure. After that night, she kept on finding her way into your futon and it soon just became the norm for the both of you and you grew accustomed to falling asleep with her body heat next to yours, your dreams suddenly full of feather light touches.

Yes, they’ve all definitely changed since you first met them all, but they’re still your closest friends despite all their new quirks, and perhaps it’s just the natural transition of entering adulthood that’s affected them. People change. You aren’t kids anymore. Of course they’d be different now. But that conviction struggles to stick in your mind when you’re stuck in the gym alone with all of them after practice every day. Yamaguchi’s always quick to dismiss the first and second years the minute practice is done and he politely assures the coaches that you all would be fine cleaning up the equipment and locking the gym up as he bids them good night. It becomes normal for the six of you to take down the nets and round up all the volleyballs and yet your hackles rise as you swear you can feel multiple pairs of eyes intensely staring at you as you bend over to pick up stray balls. You swear you feel a hand drag and linger across your ass as someone helps you lower the net. You swear it almost feels like they want to devour you as they linger a moment too long in the doorway of the equipment room, not immediately letting you pass when you try to exit. But you have no proof and the moments happen so fast that you wonder if you’re just becoming more paranoid for no reason.

You really should have trusted your gut.

There’s an excited buzz in the air as the team hops off of the bus and intermingles with the Tokyo teams. It’s the first training camp of the year and everyone’s busy catching up with old friends and meeting new people. You struggle to lift a bag of equipment and almost drop it when a hand reaches out and catches it before it hits the ground. Stunned by the surprising interaction, you quickly whip around and smile when you see Inuoka beaming down at you. The two of you hug and he walks with you to the dorm rooms, helping you carry everything as both of you catch up, unaware of the many pairs of eyes darkly staring at your backs.

Karasuno has always been close to Nekoma and that hasn’t changed over the years, so when the teams aren’t practicing, you happily joke around with the Nekoma third-years, laughing at Lev’s stupid shenanigans and conversing with Inuoka and Shibayama. A part of you feels guilty for not spending more time with your own team, but it’s so rare that you get an ample amount of time with your Nekoma friends and you brush the feeling off. Surely your friends would understand. But the narrowed eyes, clenched fists, and tight jaws across the room are hardly understanding as they lock in on the sight of Lev excitedly grabbing your hands as he asks you something, the sight of Inuoka resting his hand on your shoulder as he talks, the sight of Shibayama’s eyes lingering a bit too long on your face when he thinks you aren’t looking.

The week flies by and all too soon it’s the last night of camp and you horse around with the Nekoma boys, loudly shouting and fooling around well past curfew. But you know the coaches are turning a blind eye to any mischief tonight, letting you all do as you want as a thank you for all your hard work and dedication. Inuoka and Shibayama are cheering you on as you have Lev in a headlock, but all of a sudden your phone vibrates and you reluctantly release the lanky giant before opening up the unread text.

From Yachi: Come hang out with the rest of the third-years and me! It’s probably going to be our last training camp all together so we want to make some new memories together.

Guilt gnaws at your heart when you read her message and you immediately rise and say goodbye to the rowdy boys before rushing off to your own team. The Karasuno third-year boys had managed to secure their own dorm room and you excitedly open the door only to yelp as a hand grabs you by the collar of your shirt and you vaguely register the sound of the door slamming shut as you’re shoved to the ground and adjusted until you’re on all fours. You try to shove off the hands that are tearing off your clothes, but tired of your flailing, Tsukishima wraps a hand around your throat and squeezes and squeezes until you stop you’re struggling, choosing instead to wheeze and claw at the arm restricting your air flow and only when you’re completely naked with Kageyama pressed tightly behind you, holding your waist in a bruising grip, does he let go.

You gasp for breath as you stare up at the blonde with teary eyes. “Why are you guys doing this?” You pray that it’s all a terrible joke, just a prank gone out of hand, but you flinch as Tsukishima sneers down at you.

“What? Upset that we aren’t your Nekoma boyfriends instead? Tell me, if we hadn’t asked you to come here, would you be letting them fuck you all night long? Of course you would, you fucking slut. You have four cocks and a pussy literally just waiting for you to say the word and they’d be all yours, but no, you just had to go off and be a little whore, letting those fucking cats put their paws all over you instead. We don’t share. You’re ours, do you understand?”

Tsukishima smirks at the fear in your eyes. “Well, even if you your stupid little bimbo brain can’t understand that now, it’ll be engrained in your mind and body after we’re all through with you tonight. Open your mouth.” You try to twist your face away as he lowers his pants, letting his cock spring out and hit your face, but his hand threateningly hovers over your throat once more and you obediently take him into your mouth. He’s so long and you begin to gag with only half of him inside of you. With an irritated sigh, he painfully grabs you by the roots of your hair and forcefully shoves the rest of his length down your throat and you try to scream around the object stretching your jaw, but you’re muffled as he starts pistoning his hips in and out of your wet cavern and tears stream down your face as your throat burns from the abuse. You’re so distracted by the struggle of trying to breathe that you don’t even notice the movement behind you until you feel something hard nudging past your entrance and shame washes over you at Kageyama’s words.

“She’s already so wet.” You clench your eyes shut as Tsukishima laughs and only ruts into your mouth faster. “God, you’re pretending to cry and hate it, but you love this, don’t you? You love being fucked from both ends. You’re such a fucking cock slut.” He emphasizes each word with a harsh thrust and your eyes roll back as his tip hits the back of your throat at the same time that Kageyama bottoms out into you. You’re so full and you swear your jaw might unhinge itself from trying to accommodate Tsukishima’s cock and yet you can’t help the way your hips start rocking back to meet Kageyama’s thrusts as he takes his time sliding in and out of you at a languid pace, relishing the feeling of your tight walls clenching and sliding across every inch of his shaft.

You shake your head as much as you can with Tsukishima’s fingers still tightly interwoven in your locks, trying to deny the degrading accusations Tsukishima relentlessly spits at you, but you can’t help the moan that escapes you as Tsukishima curses and pulls out, hurriedly giving himself a few more strokes before painting your face with thick white streaks. Your cunt unconsciously clenches from the humiliation of being so lewdly marked and Kageyama hisses before increasing his pace and you collapse to your elbows as Kageyama desperately chases his end while Tsukishima crouches in front of you, reaching around to play with your clit. And despite the horribleness of the entire situation, you can’t help but fall apart and your quivering walls are all it takes for Kageyama to release deep inside of you.

Kageyama has enough foresight to at least gently lower you down to the floor after he pulls out of you and you lay there on the hard surface, wishing it would just swallow you whole and take you anywhere from here. But of course that doesn’t happen and you weakly sob when you hear Yamaguchi’s soft, but commanding voice ordering you to kneel in front of him. You raise yourself up on shaky arms and move to stand up, but Tsukishima’s hand keeps you down. “Crawl like the bitch that you are.” You tremble from emotional and physical exhaustion as you make your way towards the captain, placing one hand and foot in front of the other, and you cringe at the feeling of Kageyama’s cum beginning to trickle down your inner thigh, but soon enough you’re in between his thighs as he sits on a chair above you.

His cock is already out and even though he’s not as big as Tsukishima, your mouth still goes dry at the thought of trying to take him in your still aching mouth. You begin to lick him, taking in just his tip and swirling your tongue around him before delicately licking down his entire length, anything to buy you some time before you need to use your mouth again, but you push off of him with a scream, your hands tightly clutching his thighs as Hinata slides underneath your spread legs and licks a long stripe across your pussy. Yamaguchi is patient with you, enjoying the way drool begins to leak out the sides of your mouth as you moan from Hinata’s enthusiastic licks, but his cock twitches at a high pitched whine that exits your throat and he places a hand on your head and firmly pushes you back down to his leaking cock.

You’re sloppy, unable to fully control your mouth as you moan and drool while Hinata’s tongue pushes inside of you, tasting every inch of you. But the sight of you slobbering all over his cock and the debauched mess of it all only makes it feel better for Yamaguchi and he can’t help the way his hips buck up into you when he finally finishes and he hungrily drinks in the sight of your throat swallowing every drop of him. Your thighs begin to clench and your body is taut as you can feel another climax quickly approaching and when Yamaguchi casually twists and pulls your nipples with his fingers, your back sharply arches as you open your mouth in a silent scream. You stay in that shape for a few seconds until the pleasure begins to ebb away and you try to move away, but Hinata’s arms wrap around you, holding you in place, and you wail as he earnestly continues lapping and sucking at every inch of your drenched pussy that he can reach. Your upper body collapses into Yamaguchi’s lap as he tenderly strokes your hair and it feels like ages before Hinata finally reliquinches his grip on you and moves out from under you.

You shakily whimper as Yamaguchi soothingly whispers into your ear about what a good slut you are, how beautiful you look when you’re falling apart because of them, but you have no energy to push yourself away from him and you lay there, with your face in between his thighs and your arms splayed over his legs. You can feel your eyelids fluttering shut and just when you think you’ll at least be able to escape into the shelter of your own unconsciousness, strong hands pull you off of Yamaguchi and lay you flat on your back. It’s not comfortable, but you’re at least glad to finally relieve your knees which you’re sure will be black and blue tomorrow. But any small consolation you felt instantly dissipates when you see Hinata hovering over you and you don’t even have a second to understand what’s happening before he shoves his entire length into you in one swift motion.

After being stretched out by Kageyama and thoroughly lubricated with the sticky mix of your own juices and the setter’s cum, Hinata easily slides in and there’s no pain as he fills you, but this new position means there’s nowhere for you to hide your face from the predatory eyes staring down at you and the humiliation is so much worse as you’re fully aware of Hinata intently staring at your slutty fucked out expression as he continuously rams in and out of you. Your eyes are so far back in your head that it’s hard to clearly see and maybe that’s why you don’t notice the growing shadow covering your face until it’s too late and your nose and mouth are covered by a musky warm scent. Sex. It smells like sex. You rapidly blink the pleasure from your eyes as you try to focus your vision, but you wish you hadn’t when the image of Yachi’s small breasts bouncing above you as she rides your face sears itself into your brain. You try to close your mouth as tightly as you can, refusing to service the woman above you, but it’s so hard to breathe with her pussy covering the bottom half of your face and accidental moans are forced from you as Hinata continues railing into you, which only cause Yachi to grind and moan more as the vibrations from your mouth stimulate her slick heat.

Later you’ll try and convince yourself that it was just survival instinct, just you trying to do what you needed to do to breathe, to have everything be over and that you aren’t eagerly drinking Yachi’s essence that never seems to stop flowing on your face as your lips and tongue explore every inch of her more intimately than you’d ever dreamed of doing. You’ll deny you felt any pleasure despite the wanton moans you can’t stop releasing and the powerful orgasm that wracks through your body as Hinata’s cum mixes with the mess between your legs and as Yachi’s hips stutter as she smears her release all over your face. But for now you lay there, in a pool of your own liquids and the fluids of the five people towering over your limp and used body, drowning in the dangerously intoxicating pleasure they’ve submerged you in.

A tiny screeching voice inside of your head tells you to get up, get away and despite the dazed state you’re in, your hands attempt to push you up and it feels like you’re stuck in molasses as you excruciatingly slowly push yourself up into a sitting position and it takes everything left inside of you to feebly move your legs as you attempt to rise. But just when you almost have your feet underneath you, something is pressed against your chest and you’re pushed back down and you whimper at the heavy embarrassing weight of the foot squarely planted in the middle of your chest, stepping on you, keeping you down. Tsukishima’s never looked taller as he leers down at you.

“That’s cute. Did you really think we’d let you just get up and walk away from us? We’re nowhere near done with you. We’re not stopping until we literally fuck you to sleep and make sure that your body is so worn out that we know you’ll be safe and sound in your own futon tonight and not sneaking off to whore yourself out to anyone else.”

And if you’ve learned anything from managing this team, it’s that they’re relentless in the pursuit of their goals and for the first time since you’ve managed them, you feel a pang of pity for the teams they’ve crushed and destroyed, wondering if this is how all their opponents feel as the five of them pounce on you with the intent of thoroughly dominating and conquering you.

#haikyuu yandere #yandere haikyuu #haikyuu smut #kageyama x reader #tsukishima x reader #yamaguchi x reader #yachi x reader #haikyuu #haikyuu fic #haikyuu writing #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu scenarios #tw: noncon #tw: rape

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sappy-seresin · 4 years

Text

left behind (j.m)

A/N: This imagine is based off of the song “All My Friends,” by AJ Mitchell. It doesn’t entirely relate to the song, and didn’t turn out exactly how I thought it would, but I hope that you enjoy it nonetheless. This is my first “Outer Banks,” related imagine, I’m sure it doesn’t do the show justice, but I thought I’d try because I can’t stop thinking about the show.

The sections in bold are song lyrics and flashbacks are in italics; just to clear any potential confusion.

Requests are open, as always, feel free to request anything Outer Banks related...or any of the other that fandoms I write for!

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“I’m done, I can’t do this anymore,” JJ broke down rushing around his room to aimlessly throw his belongings into his bag.

“JJ, please calm down,” I beg, reaching out to touch him until John B’s arms wrapped around my waist, halting my movements. I look up at him in frustration, trying to force myself out of his arms.

“Stop, he needs to do this,” he commands softly, holding me against his chest. Kie, Pope, and Sarah watch the scene in silence, the tension in the room growing thicker as we watch JJ pack his bags.

“JJ-”

“Don’t Kie, nothing you say is going to keep me from leaving,” he barks, glaring at her. His whole body trembling with anger due to argument that he had with his dad moments earlier. “I’m done.”

My heart drops at the sight of him; knowing full well that even I won’t be able to convince him to stay.

An hour later we stand on the dock watching hundreds of people board the ferry. Everyone stands in silence anticipating having to say goodbye, but seemingly afraid of the moment that we’d be forced to do so.

JJ’s hand slides into mine tightly gripping onto my fingers. I close my eyes, trying to stay calm and support his decision of leaving the island, even though I want to beg him to stay.

“It’s time,” Pope sighs, breaking the silence as we all share sad glances.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” I whisper to JJ, pulling him into my arms. “I’ll talk to my parents, you know that they’ll let you stay with us. Please, just don’t leave me here.”

“I can’t move in with you,” he states, his words slightly muffled by my hair. “I have to go, and I need you to support this decision.”

“Then let me come with you,” I insist, frowning when he pulls himself from my grasp so that he can look at me. “We promised that we’d never leave each other-”

“We were four years old,” he sighs, shaking his head. “I love you but this is something I need to do on my own, okay?” I simply nod in response; not trusting my voice. He pulls me back into his arms one last time, whispering a “thank you” before he moved to say his goodbyes to everyone else. I stand to the side, looking anywhere but at my friends as each of them had their moment with him.

Kie and Sarah joined me, giving me sympathetic looks before pulling me into side hugs so that we could stand together. I lay my head on Sarah’s shoulder, watching John B pull JJ into his arms one last time.

“Take care of yourself, JJ,” he stated as they pulled away from each other.

“You know I will,” he winked, clearly trying to lighten the mood and take our attention away from the tears threatening to spill from his eyes. He takes a moment to salute at us, his eyes meeting mine one last time before he spun around to board the ferry without looking back.

-----------------

“Why can’t I just hide in my room,” I huff exasperatedly flopping on my bed backwards tired of hearing my mom ramble about needing to get back to a normal routine.

“Listen to me, it’s been nearly a month. I know how deeply you care for him, but this has got to stop,” she states walking out of my closet empty handed. “You’ve never liked this house, and now it seems that all you want to do is spend your time here. As much as I love having you around, I’m worried.”

“Mom,” I groan, shifting to face her. “You don’t have to worry. I’m perfectly fine.”

“I’m your mother. As much as you think you can lie to me, you can’t. So don’t start,” she warns, raising her eyebrows as she sat on the bed next to me. I sigh, shoulders slumping in defeat, as the front I attempted to put on slowly vanished. “Love is strong, especially when you’re young. Sadly, when you sign up for love you also sign up for potential heartbreak. The fact that you’re hurting so deeply just shows that it was real.” I listen intently, tears springing into my eyes at her words.

“But I didn’t sign up for it, mom. He’s my best friend, not my boyfriend,” I huff, as if trying to deny what I already know is true.

“You and I know full well that you don’t have to be dating someone to be in love,” she replies, sending me a gentle smile. “Your relationship with JJ is a prime example of that. You’ve been in love with that boy for years and, from what I’ve seen, he is just as in love with you.”

“I know that you’re mourning what you lost, but you can’t stop living because of this,” she continues, tucking hair behind my ear, caressing my cheek. Her thumb wiping away the single tear escaping my eye. “You have friends that love you; who want to be able to walk through this with you and quite frankly, I’m running out of excuses as to why they can’t come see you.” A quiet laugh falls from my lips between quiet sniffles, still unable to muster up any words.

“I know you feel alone, because you love him, but your friends are working through letting go of JJ too. You weren’t the only one the boy left behind when he left the island. He was their best friend too,” her fingers tenderly brush through my tangled hair, knowing how that it’s always helped me relax. “With that being said, I think you would start feeling a lot better if you stopped pushing them away, don’t you?”

“I guess,” I sniffle, not enjoying the fact that she’s right.

“Great, because I told them to pick you up on the dock in an hour,” she smiles brightly, scrunching up her face as she awaits my response.

“Mom,” I exclaim, shooting up from my bed. “Why would you do that? I haven’t showered in a week! There’s so much that needs to be done!”

She laughs from her spot on the bed, watching me haphazardly pull clothes out of my closet. I hurry towards the bathroom with a heap of clothes in my arms, pausing to drop everything on the bed to wrap her in a hug. “Thank you.”

------

Crowded but a lonely place

Sittin’ at a table full of double dates

And everywhere I go, I wanna see your face

I take a sip from the solo cup in my cold hands, shuddering due to the breeze that passed by. My attention on John B and Sarah seated across from me, laughing at something Pope had said. The boneyard buzzing with multiple groups of people due to the kegger currently taking place on the beach.

I zone out from the conversation to study my surroundings. A familiar emptiness settling in as I mindlessly scan the crowd in search of JJ even though I know he isn’t here. Scanning my surroundings in search of him has become a part of my routine; seemingly a side affect of missing him.

My eyes trail over my friends, each looking exceptionally light, carelessly engrossed in their conversation. Two months ago, I would have been happy at the sight but something is missing. Someone is missing and I’ve caught myself feeling completely alone in moments like this one. JJ’s arm should be carelessly draped over my shoulders but instead there’s an empty spot next to me, and a deep longing that never seems to go away. Our group has been perfectly paired up ever since Sarah and John B got together, Pope and Kiara following soon after, but now I’m always left feeling like a fifth wheel on a double date.

“Hey,” Kie’s voice cals, pulling my attention back to my friends. The small fire in front of us casts shadows on each of them as I’m met with Kie’s concerned face. “You good?” Her question catches me off guard and forces me to shift uncomfortably in lawn chair under everyone’s gaze.

“Um, yeah, I’m fine. I guess that it’s kind of hard to enjoy parties anymore,” I shrug, trying to muster up a reassuring smile. “They’re not the same without JJ.” Her concerned expression drops into one of sympathy and I immediately regret saying anything. John B whispers something to Sarah, pressing a soft kiss against her temple, before he moves to take the empty seat next to me. He wordlessly slings his arm over my shoulders and pulls me into him, resting his chin on my head.

“I miss him too,” he whispers looking down at me.

“I should’ve gone with him,” I state, John’s eyes softening at the tears filling my eyes. “When we were young, we promised each other that we wouldn’t leave unless we were together.” A tearful laugh falls from my lips at the memory. “Yet, when it actually came down to it, he didn’t seem to give leaving me behind a second thought. I should have tried harder to-”

“Stop,” John interrupts gently tilting my chin so I would look at him. “I know it hurts, but I love you too much to watch you do this to yourself.”

His thumbs catch tears that I didn’t even realize were falling. “JJ is stubborn and hard to get through to, you know that. I know there was a part of him that wanted to take you with him but he needed to do himself. We’ve been cleaning up after him for as long as I can remember. I think he realized that he needed to be able to make his own decision without having anyone else to worry about.”

“I want to hate him,” I admit with a heavy sigh. “I feel like I want to be angry with him but I can’t.” John nods in agreement, seeming to understand what I meant. “I just feel so broken, JB. He’s my best friend.”

“I know,” he sighs, pulling me against his chest again. “We’ll get through it together.” ---------------- Pictures, I’m reminded

Of good times, how we tried it

Don’t know how to get you out of my mind

I don’t have it in me to deny it

Sitting cross-legged on the floor of the guest bedroom at the chateau, I shuffle through the old photo album I’d found. My lips curve into a smile when I come across a couple of more recent photos that were haphazardly stuffed into the back of the tethered book. They were taken on a cheap disposable camera that JJ bought me after he overheard me talking to Kiara about how much I’d been wanting to buy one.

It was a beautiful day so we’d packed the HMS Pogue up with fishing supplies and snacks having opted to spend the day on the water.

The sun had just started going down, each of us sun kissed and slightly tipsy as we waited for the sunset. I was curled up on the front of the boat with JJ, clad in his t-shirt with a blanket strewn across our laps. My back rested against his front, his chest vibrating with soft laughter as John B clambered back into the boat, soaking wet, after he’d lost his balance while wrestling with Pope. John B let out a string of threats as we all laughed at him, mostly due to the look on his face when he realized he was going down.

I smiled at the way that JJ hugged me closer to him when our laughter died down. He adjusted me in his lap, his arms still wrapped tightly around my torso as I focused on the sunset ahead of us. I was so focused on the view that I didn’t notice Kie approaching us with my camera in her hands. We’d all taken turns taking photos on it because I was antsy to get them developed to see how they would turn out.

JJ, also oblivious to Kie’s presence, pressed a gentle kiss to the crown of my head right as the flash of the camera went off causing both of us to jump slightly.

“My eyes,” JJ exclaims, a laugh falling my lips when his hands suddenly moved in front of my eyes as if he was going to protect them from another flash. I heard the camera click again causing JJ to protest. “Kie, I’m going blind here.”

JJ’s hands fell from my eyes; returning to their original spot on my waist. Kie stood in front of us lifting my camera again to taunt him. My head fell back against JJ’s chest, loud loud laughs falling from my lips, as JJ shouted threats at Kie. Pope and John B had since joined in on the fun, egging Kie on. JJ halted his movements, an endearing smile on his face as he looked down at me, watching me laugh.

“Now would be a good time to take a picture, Kie,” John whispered, prompting her to catch the sweet moment.

I shake my head; fingers delicately brushing over the pictures.

“I thought you’d be hiding in here,” John’s voice rang, pulling me out of my trance. I look up at him from my position on the floor. His arms cross against his chest, a lazy smile on his lips, as he leaned against the door frame.

“Yeah, sorry,” I blush, watching him stalk over to where I’m seated.

“I remember that day,” he smiles, taking one of the pictures from my hands. “Times we much simpler then.” I nod in agreement; wordlessly pushing a loose strand of hair behind my ear.

“I thought he was going to kiss me,” I admit with a small laugh.

“Me too. I’m convinced that he would have if Kie hadn’t ruined the mood,” John replies, moving to flip through the photo album on the floor.

“Actually, the mood wouldn’t have been ruined if you hadn’t encouraged her to take the picture. So I think you’re the one to blame,” I joke, shoving his shoulder.

“That may be true, but at least we captured the moment and you can keep it forever.” He throws his hands up in surrender and gestures to the picture before returning his attention to the photo album.

“He loves you a lot. You know that right?” John asks, breaking the comfortable silence. “God, he always looked at you like that.” John’s voice broke with a lighthearted laugh.

“He did, didn’t he?” I whisper, relishing in the memories of how JJ always looked at me as if I was all that mattered. “I can’t stop thinking about him, John B. I mean, he’s been gone for weeks and hasn’t even bothered to call. Doesn’t he realize that we’re worried about him? I can’t walk into a room without looking for him or go to sleep without having nightmares about him being alone.”

“Hey, it’s JJ we’re talking about. He’ll come around eventually. I miss him like hell, but I know that he needed to go.”John assured pulling the pictures out of my hands so that I would look at him. His hand came up to caress my cheek, just like JJ had done since we were young. “I also know that he’d hate it if he knew how much this is hurting you.”

“I just wish he’d call. I hate missing him.”

“I know,” he sighs, pulling me into a loose hug. We stayed like that for a long time, John holding me against his chest as he quietly shared stories about his dad. We only moved when my head began lulling to the side, fighting to keep my eyes open. John wordlessly stood up, sticking his hand out for me to grab. “I’ll tell your mom that you’re staying over again.”

“Thank you,” I yawn, giving him a quick hug before he exited the room. I turn around, pulling on one of the sweatshirts JJ always left out for me to wear. It doesn’t smell like him anymore, but still brings me the same sense of comfort that it always has.

Spending the night at the chateau is the only way I seem to be able to get a decent nights sleep nowadays. Something about staying in the guest room, that JJ practically claimed as his own, seemed to cure my tendency to lie awake at night worrying about him. I curl under the covers feeling myself relax almost immediately as sleep welcomed me. --------------------

Cause everybody, everybody knows something I don’t

Where are they? I think to myself, eyebrows furrowing together when I notice that the Twinkie isn’t parked in front of John B’s house. I stalk up the driveway and let myself into the house.

“Hello,” I call, only to be met with silence. I pull my phone out of my pocket, quickly dialing Kie’s number in confusion.

“Hey you,” She answers, sounding slightly nervous.

“Where are you guys? I thought we were meeting at the chateau,” I respond, ignoring her tone.

“Pope was supposed to call you,” she sighs, only making my confusion grow.

“What do you mean, why?”

“Well, we all kind of got called into work last minute. The boys are helping Heyward set up for midsummer’s and I have to cover for a waitress that didn’t come in,” she explains, and I hear hushed whispers on the other line.

“Why do you sound so weird? What’s wrong?” I ask, noticing the weird strain in her voice.

“Weird? I don’t sound weird. Everything’s fine,” she dismissed. The whispers on her end of the phone only growing louder. I can’t make out what’s being said but I’m certain that John B was among the people whispering.

“Kie, what is going on? Are the boys th-”

“Hey, I’m sorry I have to go. Sorry for bailing on the plans last minute, but it’s urgent. I’ll meet you at Sarah’s to get ready for tonight,” she quickly rushes before hanging up the phone.

I slide my phone into my pocket with a frown, deciding to walk to Sarah’s now seeing as everyone else seems to be busy. I kick at loose rocks on the ground; thinking back to my conversation with Kie. They’re definitely hiding something. I furrow my eyebrows, feeling annoyed due to being in the dark about what was going on.

I can’t seem to settle down,

Cause I’m waiting on you to come around

Midsummers has been going on for nearly an hour, and I’ve been on edge the whole time. This year was the first year that all of the Pogues, excluding JJ, are attending the party. Pope being here to help Heyward prepare food while John B is Sarah’s plus one.

I’ve been eyeing my friends closely all night, noticing multiple moments of hushed whispers whenever I came back around. I’ve only grown more and more frustrated at their lack of explanation as to why they are acting so suspicious.

“Okay, I don’t know what the hell is going on, but I’m over it. If someone doesn’t give me answers right now, I’m leaving,” I huff, walking over to my friend group, huddled by the food tables away from everyone else. They turn around in surprise, my tone clearly catching them off guard. I cross my arms, patiently waiting for someone to speak while they share a glance. Everyone’s eyes landing on John B. Whose eyes were trained on something behind me, a slight smile adorning his face.

“Leaving so soon? But the party just got here,” a familiar voice states behind me causing goosebumps to rise on my skin; my breath catching in my throat. My heart pounds against my rib cage as I turn around in shock, a loud gasp leaving my lips at the sight of the blonde boy standing in front of me with his hands in his pockets.

“JJ,” I choke out, hands shooting to my mouth in disbelief. His figure blurs with the tears filling my eyes. I wordlessly watch him step closer to me, seemingly frozen in place at the sight in front of me.

“It’s me,” he whispers. “I’m right here.” All of my emotions hit me the moment his hands tenderly cup my face, thumbs brushing away the shocked tears. I throw my arms around him, trying not to make too much of a scene as quiet sobs fall from my shaking frame. A wave of peace rolls over my body at the realization that JJ is okay and is safely tucked in my arms.

The rest of the Pogues come around us, wrapping us in the middle of an emotional group hug. When the hug breaks, I cling to JJ for a few more seconds, not entirely convinced that he’s actually in front of me. His lips press a gentle kiss on my forehead, quietly assuring me that he was there.

“Don’t leave me again,” I demand, pulling myself away from his grip. “My heart can’t handle it.”

“I promise, I’m here for good,” he laughs, pulling me into one more hug before we return to reality. We spend the rest of the party catching up and enjoying each others company. For the first time in weeks, things feel okay.

---------------------

And everybody lookin’ like a honeymoon

But all that I have been looking for is me and you

Glancing around John B’s living room, a content smile forms on my face. I take a mental snapshot of the moment; relishing in how good it feels to be together again. Our bodies clad in pajamas all squished together on the small pullout couch. We shared stories for hours, everyone falling asleep one by one until me and JJ were the only two left awake.

“Do you want to go to the guest room? As much as I love these guys, I don’t really want to wake up groping any of them,” he whispered, pausing when Pope stirred in his sleep. I smile, pressing my finger to my lips to signal him to be quiet as I slowly crawl out of bed, trying not to wake any of them up. JJ follows soon after, successfully making it off of the mattress without disturbing anyone. He nods toward the hallway, lacing his fingers with mine before pulling me towards the room.

We wordlessly crawl under the covers and settle into a comfortable silence, noticing the sun beginning to peak through the blinds. JJ wraps his arms around me, pulling me into his chest with a content sigh.

“I’ve missed this,” I murmur, breaking the peaceful silence. JJ hums in agreement, pressing a chaste kiss on my forehead mumbling a soft, “me too,” against my skin. My heart swells at the feeling, a sudden wave of confidence spreading through my body forcing me to sit up in the bed abruptly, pulling myself out of his grasp.

“What’s wrong,” he asks, mirroring my movements as he shifts to face me. I instinctively grab his hand; fingers tracing the lines on his palms to keep myself from looking at him.

“I need to tell you something,” I state after a few moments of silence, hesitantly tearing my gaze away from our hands. I’m met with a concerned expression, his hand moving to push my hair out of my face.

“What is it?” I sigh at his question, nerves beginning to settle in as I stare at him. You have to tell him, I think to myself, there’s really no going back at this point.

“JJ I-” I pause, pressing my lips together in a thin line. The fear of telling him how I feel eating away at me, while he patiently waits for me to continue.

“You can tell me,” he smiles, a slight glimmer in his eyes.

“The last three months have been absolute hell,” I admit, watching his supportive expression drop at my words. “I was forced to watch everyone else continue on with their lives while I was just stuck.”

He opens his mouth to say something but I shake my head, silently beginning him to let me continue. “You’ve been this constant thought on my mind. It’s kind of funny actually, it seems that you constantly demanded my attention even when you weren’t here,” I laugh lightheartedly, wiping away the tears that escaped my eyes.

“Anyway, your being gone gave me a lot of time to think and I’ve realized that I can’t keep pretending that I don’t feel a certain way about you,” JJ’s eyes urge for me to continue as his hand gently squeezes my own. “JJ, I’m in love with you.”

My words echo in my ears, heart beating rapidly in my chest, as I stare at my best friend. “I can’t keep pretending that I’m content with just being your best friend. It’s okay if you don’t feel the same way, but I have to be honest with you. All I could think about was-”

“Stop talking,” he interrupts, hands gripping my shoulders as a serious expression crosses over his face, making my heart drop. Our friendship is over. I just got him back and I’m going to lose him again. “You’re insane if you think I don’t feel the same way about you.” He moves his hands to cup my face, his eyes flickering down to my lips. “Leaving made me realize that the only time I feel safe is when I’m with you.” He hesitated for a moment before closing the gap between us with a kiss. His lips pressing against mine urgently as he pulled me into his lap.

“God, you’re all I’ve ever wanted,” he sighs, after breaking the kiss. Our chests heaving slightly due to the previous lack of air.

“Don’t leave me again,” I state, shoving him backwards onto the bed, watching him laugh in surprise. He flips us over, pinning me to the bed as his lips met mine again.

“I’m here for good,” he murmurs, pulling me into his arms after collapsing next to me. The beating of his heart lulled me into a peaceful sleep, resting on his promise to stay.

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letterboxd · 3 years

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A Cinematic Outcoming.

From Istanbul to Chicago, and C.R.A.Z.Y. to Spirited Away, Letterboxd member, writer and film programmer Emre Eminoğlu explores the films that drove his gay awakening.

“I see it as my duty to never shut up about how representation matters.” —Emre Eminoğlu

I was one of the luckiest ones, yet I had no idea how lucky I was. Growing up in Istanbul, Turkey, a predominantly patriarchal, conservative and homophobic society, my luck was being born into an open-minded, secular and loving family.

In this bubble, I was isolated from the struggles of the majority of my people. I was not bullied at school by my peers, I was not forced into being someone else by my family. Yet I still had that voice in my head. As soon as I realized something could be different with me, I became my own bully and forcefully adopted a fictional persona: ‘exceptionally normal’.

Coming out was hard, but coming out to myself was harder. Although I was perfectly aware of my sexual identity, I could not come to terms with the possibility of being ‘abnormal’. Cue cinema. Watching films was a way of escape for high-school Emre—it still is—and it was inevitable that I would come across some LGBTQ+ films. I was not consciously in search of a ‘truth’ about myself but I started seeing my reflection in them, as they slowly disarmed the bully I involuntarily created.

Twenty years later, now, as a 34-year-old gay man professionally writing on cinema and television, I see it as my duty to never shut up about how representation matters. Streaming LGBTQ+ shows on various platforms, seeing widely released, mainstream LGBTQ+ films, listening to the music of openly LGBTQ+ stars, and hearing words of wisdom like “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”, I am confident that the personal, inner bully that I created twenty years ago would not survive a week in today’s world.

‘C.R.A.Z.Y.’ (2005)

Jean-Marc Vallée’s C.R.A.Z.Y. (2005) was definitely not the first LGBTQ+ film I ever watched, but it was an invaluable juncture in my life. It was a hot summer in Istanbul, freshman year of college was over. One of my best friends, who had been accompanying me through most of my cinematic discoveries, told me about a French-Canadian film with this guy on the film poster with David Bowie makeup on his face. We headed to an independent theater in Kadıköy to see it.

Zachary Beaulieu was different. As the lone gay son in a family of five boys, he too was forcefully adopting a fictional persona, and his way of escape was music. He was constantly worried about how to be worthy of his parents’ love, how to realize their ideals of him, and how his difference and truth contradicted all of that. Zac’s 1960s basically mirrored my story in the 2000s. I perfectly muted the life-changing enlightenment I was going through and did not vocalize my inner screams.

In two hours, C.R.A.Z.Y. helped me realize my true self and admit my sexual identity after all those years. It was a personal threshold I had been longing to cross… but there was still a lot to go through.

‘Les Amours Imaginaires’ (Heartbeats, 2010)

Liking someone, falling for someone, being loved, dating someone, sex, refusals, misinterpretations, heartbreaks, break-ups, bad sex. On the other side of the closet, I was being introduced to new, sometimes euphoric, sometimes gut-wrenching experiences. But coming out to my friends was still a challenge. I was feeling so lonely keeping all these wonderful and horrible experiences in my chest.

But I was not alone: LGBTQ+ films were my life’s understudy. The same heartbreaks, worries, and disappointments I was going through were right there on the silver screen. I took note as two best friends, Francis and Marie, fall for the same guy and navigate their friendship in Xavier Dolan’s Les Amours Imaginaires (Heartbeats, 2010). I studied how a popular student, Jarle, falls for the new guy in school, but cannot risk his reputation to be with him in Stian Kristiansen’s Mannen som Elsket Yngve (The Man Who Loved Yngve, 2008) and I watched as close friends Tobi and Achim become lovers, until one’s need to keep everything secret threatens to destroy the relationship in Marco Kreuzpaintner’s Sommersturm (Summer Storm, 2004).

Things were not always accessible via online platforms and the internet, so film festivals were often the only chance to see the latest independent and queer films. Two of the biggest film festivals in Istanbul, thankfully, had LGBTQ+-focused sections; !f’s Gökkuşağı (Rainbow) and Istanbul Film Festival’s Nerdesin aşkım? (Where are you, my love?) felt like home.

‘Tomboy’ (2011)

Being the lone avid cinephile among my friends, I was used to seeing half of my festival picks alone. Even before coming out to myself, my hopes for a romantic relationship included, among other things, having a festival partner. When I, fortunately, found the one, I was delighted to have also found the perfect festival partner. Shortly after our first month together, the first film we saw at a film festival was Céline Sciamma’s Tomboy (2011).

Although I was a 24 year old cis man, I was more than able to empathize with the title character, a ten-year-old trans boy. With his family unaware of his true identity, Mickaël experiences the liberation of a fresh start when ‘mistaken’ for a boy after they move to a new neighborhood—finally able to introduce himself as Mickaël, not Laure.

Changing my career path, a new job in the creative industry, and a stable relationship had similar effects on me. I was still not completely out to my parents, or some of my friends, schoolmates, and acquaintances from my past, but I was freed of the obligation to explain anything to my new friends or colleagues. I would proudly introduce them to my boyfriend, or simply correct people by saying I was attracted to men during a conversation. The perfect festival partner turned out to be a perfect partner as well—over the past ten years, he has helped me grow and be proud of myself.

‘Weekend’ (2011)

We moved in together in the fifth year of our relationship. Right above our bed hangs a poster of Andrew Haigh’s Weekend (2011). At the time we saw it, it was just another film that we watched together and liked—no significance, no symbolism. It is the story of two young men, Russell and Glen, who are fascinated by the connection they find between each other, and are surprised how their one-night-stand evolved into the perfect weekend. When Glen reveals that he will be leaving for another country the very next day, it only makes their connection stronger, and their time together more precious. Being a timid and socially anxious person, none of my romantic relationships or my friendships had formed this organically. Even my first date with my partner was a disaster. We built what we have now over time, slowly and patiently. I did not believe in ‘weekends’.

And yet, one summer night, we met a guy on Grindr, as we occasionally did. What we thought was just another one night stand was in fact a transformative experience for us both. Intense conversation, a triple connection, the drinks we enjoyed instead of hurrying to bed, and the passionate sex turned that casual one-night-stand into a magical reality for us. We realized that we still had feelings and instincts to discover in ourselves and in each other. Over a week-long, unexpected, unpredictable polyamorous fling, we learned to act as one instead of two—only to find out that he was leaving for another country the very next week. This was our ‘weekend’.

‘Hamam’ (Steam: The Turkish Bath, 1997)

Thinking how LGBTQ+ films of other cultures and languages had played a significant role in some precious, threshold-crossing moments of my life, it was alienating not being able to feel embraced and represented openly in Turkish cinema. There were certainly multiple Turkish LGBTQ+ films or characters, but they were in films addressing more urgent issues—right to live, violence against LGBTQ+ individuals, honor murders, trans murders—rather than the nuanced experience of queer love.

Although I discovered it years after it was released, Italian-Turkish director Ferzan Özpetek’s Hamam (Steam: The Turkish Bath, 1997) was a mind-blowing experience for me. The relationship, and the sexual tension, between Francesco, the Italian heir to a building with a Turkish bath in it, and Mehmet, the young son of the family managing the compound, felt much closer to my story and my cultural, familial identity.

Aşk, Büyü vs. (Love, Spells and All That, 2019)

Today, I am glad to see more and more filmmakers finding the courage to maintain the LGBTQ+ narrative in Turkish cinema, despite the oppressive, intolerant and exclusionary policies. Some are telling the youthful, urban stories I was longing for at the time: In Leyla Yılmaz’s Bilmemek (Not Knowing, 2019), Umut, a high-school athlete from a middle-class family in Istanbul, is bullied by his so-called modern and open-minded teammates after not replying to a query about whether he is gay or not. In Ümit Ünal’s Aşk, Büyü vs. (Love, Spells and All That, 2019), Eren and Reyhan, two adult women reunite in the magical atmosphere of The Princes’ Islands on the Istanbul coast, decades after they were forcefully separated by their parents.

The story of me coming out to myself all started with an urge to escape reality through cinema, and on the way, I found films that gave meaning to my muddled existence. When I saw Levan Akin’s And Then We Danced (2019), I smiled as I noticed the Spirited Away poster in Merab’s room; this minor detail another reminder that I was not alone. Merab, a gay dancer who is part of a very traditional and conservative Georgian dance company, was dealing with similar challenges in his life. He was trying to discover his true identity in a society that does not celebrate being different. He was too, finding an escape in cinema.

Coming out was hard. It still is. A recent Instagram post by the 27-year-old actor Connor Jessup, who came out as gay two years ago, reminded me coming out is not a single moment, but a never-ending process, a ‘becoming’. He writes, “When I first came out, a friend wrote to me and said, ‘Now you can really start coming out.’ Start? I thought. I just did it. But he was right. […] I’m going to keep trying. I’m going to keep looking.”

I keep trying, and looking. Learning about myself, my identity, my relationship. And LGBTQ+ films keep helping and inspiring me, just as they did in my journey to accept myself and become the person I am today. This is the power of cinema; unconsciously, you see your past, actuality and possibilities through the stories filmmakers tell. And I am so grateful to these filmmakers.

Related content

The Ten Greatest Turkish Films of All Time, according to the Turkish Film Critics’ Association

Emre’s Favorite LGBTQ+ Films: a personal top 50

Queer Films in Turkish Cinema—a list by Atakan

The Top 100 Turkish Movies of the 21st Century: Emre’s personal favorites

#letterboxd #pride #pride 2021 #lgbtqia cinema #lgbt film #turkish cinema #turkish film #queer cinema #coming out #jean marc vallée

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readyplayerhobi · 4 years

Text

Flower | 29

; Hoseok x Reader

;Genre: Fluff, slight angst

; Warnings: Discussions of periods and contraception

; Word Count: 4.6k

; Synopsis: You finally decide to take a dip into the world of online dating and find the Flower dating app. One of the top matches for you proves to be a guy who looks to be your complete opposite; tattooed, pierced, a metalhead and oh…incredibly handsome. What happens when you throw caution to the wind and reach out to him?

; A/N: I know it’s taking a long time for me to update this but I hope you enjoy it :D Please reblog if you do and let me know what you think my commenting on this or sending me an ask!

; Flower Masterpost

“Hey, meeps,” You hear Hoseok’s voice calling to you from the end of the aisle, his new nickname for you now gaining its own nickname as well. “If sunflower oil is made from sunflowers, and coconut oil is made from coconuts...then baby oil…”

He trails off, raising his eyebrows and giving you a scandalous look as he holds up a bottle of baby oil. For a moment, you just stare at him blankly before sighing and rolling your eyes in amusement. Taking the bottle from him, you place it back down onto the shelf before linking your arm through his.

Thankfully, he lets you direct him back to the little section they have in this makeup and skincare store that’s fully dedicated to Korean beauty. This is one of those strange stores where they have tons of products that are basically on sale yet also have branded stuff alongside it. Not that you cared though; it had the Korean brands you swore by for your skin and you were more than tempted to try out the Japanese beauty stand next to it.

For someone who isn’t particularly bothered about the whole concept of skincare, though you had managed to convince him to at least improve his routine, Hoseok was being a pretty good boyfriend right now. He hadn’t complained about the half an hour you’d spent perusing the makeup to find new stuff to put into your collection and he still wasn’t complaining as you filled your basket with face masks.

If anything, he’d managed to entertain himself quite well.

But you think he was being good purely because you’d gone with him to a concert last night. It had been for one of his favourite bands, Metallica, and he’d ended up with a spare ticket as Jungkook had ended up ill with food poisoning. He had been about to go on his own, but you hadn’t liked the thought of him being lonely so you’d gone with him.

You’d recognised some of the songs they’d played from whenever Hoseok played them in the car or the house but it hadn’t been your scene. Still, it had been fun enough and you’d more than enjoyed seeing Hoseok happy as he’d rocked out to his beloved band.

It did mean that you were exceptionally tired today though as the two of you hadn’t gotten home from the stadium they’d performed in until after 2 am. That had been the closest performance apparently and you’d been shattered, sleeping until well after 11 am. Hoseok had promised you a day of relaxation, which you’d jumped on by asking him to do a full Korean skincare routine with you tonight.

He’d agreed, and you’d eagerly dragged him out to this store to replenish your supplies. The makeup was just because it was there and you couldn’t resist it. Already you were coming up with ideas for looks in your head that you could create and then put onto your Instagram. Moving places had meant that you hadn’t done many looks lately and you were eager to change that.

Especially now that you had a yard to take nice photos in. Hoseok and you had both been working hard on the weekends and evenings to transform the yard from the overgrown mess it had been into something nice. Nothing too amazing or expensive as it wasn’t your own house but nice enough that it made from some pretty aesthetic photos.

Placing a final bottle of moisturiser in your basket, you smile at Hoseok and hold it up proudly. He just looks at you in amusement for a second before smiling back.

“All done! We can go to pay now.” While you pay for all your new stuff, he goes and waits outside for you. Which you discover means he intently window shops at the video game store, getting that look on his face when he wants to do something.

Feeling that your bladder is a little too full right now, you glance over to where the public restrooms are and move over to Hoseok. “You can go in if you want, I’m going to the restroom so I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

He takes your bag for you like the gentleman he is before disappearing inside, immediately making a beeline for the Playstation 4 section. You have a feeling he might be about to drop some money given how interested he’d been in some of the new games that have been released in the last few months.

Any thoughts of games are wiped from your mind very quickly though when you’re on the toilet. The sight of red staining your underwear has your eyes widening in horror as you realise that your period has decided to make an early appearance. For a moment you simply stare, brow creasing before you reach for your bag and grab your phone.

The period app you use says that you shouldn’t have started for another four days and you curse your body for doing whatever it likes. Scowling at the stain, you attempt to clean it before sighing in defeat, acknowledging that at least you were wearing black jeans today.

Another rummage in your bag causes you to find another problem, this one sending ice water running through your veins. Grabbing it and placing it onto your knees, you visually scan through every space and almost pull out the entire contents before letting out a small sound of despair.

You had no tampons.

Cursing to yourself quietly, you finish up and make do with an almost ridiculously large amount of toilet paper. Rushing out, you wash your hands before moving over to the machine that always had condoms, sanitary pads and tampons.

Only to see the ‘sold out’ sign on both the buttons you need. Groaning quietly, you do a little dance of frustration as you realise there are not even any other women in the restroom for you to ask. Not that you would. As if your social anxiety would allow for that!

So instead you have to slink outside and into the game shop, lip jutting out in a slight pout as you become hyper-aware of yourself. Can other people smell the blood? What if you leak through all the toilet paper and it does somehow show through your jeans?! What if you leak through onto a chair!

Hoseok wanted to get something to eat after this and you were dreading having to sit there for ages. Playing with your fingers nervously, you move over to where he’s crouched in front of the PS4 stand. He already has two game cases in his hand and is reading the back of another one, your bag of goodies on the floor between his feet.

Glancing up at you, he grins brightly before showing the cover of one of the cases he’s got.

“Look! The Spider-Man game is on sale! You want to play this, right?” Absentmindedly, you nod. The back of your mind takes in the fact that he’s also got Divinity: Original Sin 2 in his ‘buy’ hand and the other case he’s considering is the Doom remake. You wish that you could let him browse more but the drug store wasn’t close by and you didn’t want to just abandon him suddenly.

Still, the thought of what was going on down below was overwhelming and you found yourself shaking his shoulder slightly.

“Hey, are you done? Can we go?” Reaching down, you take your bag back and stand back as he rises, the crease between his brows letting you know he’s a little confused as to why you’re suddenly rushing him. He knows full well that there’s nothing important you need to do.

Still, though, he doesn’t question it and instead nods slowly. While he goes and pays for the games he’s buying, you go to wait by the entrance. Wrapping your arms around your waist, you realise that the low ache in your back that you’d had for a day or so was one of those early symptoms you got of your period.

Only you hadn’t thought anything about it. Not when you’d spent a few hours last night stood up. You’d just thought it was because you’d done a lot of work in the yard combined with the concert. Apparently not.

You’re pretty much already walking in the direction of the drug store by the time Hoseok comes out, causing him to have to jog to catch up with you. All you can think about is whether or not walking faster or slower would make things worse.

“Woah, hey, where are we going?” Hoseok asks, matching his speed to yours. You’re just thankful that there are not too many people out shopping today because it would only increase your stress levels if there was a big queue that you had to wait in or something.

“Just, to this store.” Admittedly, you’re not being very open and honest right now. But you’re embarrassed. Hoseok is fully aware of your periods and that they’re very much a thing that happens. They’d become a little more irregular recently as you’d had a copper IUD put in around a month before moving in with him.

Nothing drastic or anything, but then again they were also sometimes longer and a little heavier than you were used to when you were on the pill. It wasn’t exactly something you enjoyed talking about with anyone though; Soyeon and Chungha were pretty open about this kind of stuff but you had always mostly stayed quiet whenever they talked about it.

Which was silly. They were women who fully understood what you were going through and Hoseok understood that it was a monthly event. So it wasn’t like he’d be shocked to find out or anything. If anything, you’d probably done a bit of a bad job in explaining some things to him as you’d always got too shy whenever he’d asked things.

That was bad, you were well aware. But you’d only really got comfortable talking about sexual things with him. You knew that there were guys who thought it was gross that women bled for a week or so. Hoseok had never made those kinds of comments, but still. You were a work in progress.

“We’ve already been in here, why are you dragging me like Jason Voorhees is running after us with a knife?” He whines when you enter the store. You’re not surprised he’s confused because he’s right, you had come in here earlier and picked up what you needed. Still, though, he follows close by.

“I thought we didn’t need anything else.” Comes from him next, his lip pouting and you get the sense that he wanted to spend more time in the game store. A rush of guilt and shame washes over you, causing you to grip his hand even tighter as you shuffle awkwardly in place for a moment.

Finally in the store though, you realise just how silly you’re being with him. It’s not like he’s going to get outraged or upset. And you’re sure he’d have been much more willing to come along if he hadn’t been dragged along half the street with no idea what was happening.

Leaning into him, you cough slightly before swallowing as you feel yourself go hot with anxiety.

“My period started.” You whisper, keeping the words quiet enough so that he can hear them without having anyone else overhear. Though the rational part of your mind knew that you shouldn’t give a flying fuck what anyone else thought. It was a natural, bodily function and all that.

Your mind has never quite done things rationally though.

Hoseok has heard you though, you can tell by the way his head tilts to the side ever so slightly. But his expression is blank for a moment before his brow creases in obvious confusion, lips pursing as he contemplates what you’ve just told him.

“Okay...so why are we here?” Annnnd there it is. That famed male obliviousness to female problems. You couldn’t get annoyed at him though, not when he was good with you on everything else. He was cute.

“It’s early? And I have nothing to use. So I need to buy some.” His face changes immediately when he understands finally, mouth curving into an ‘o’ shape as he lets out a noise of recognition. It then contorts into worry for you, his eyes glancing down to your crotch area with wide eyes.

“Wait, so that means you’re...just…” He creates a rushing gesture with his hands, imitating a waterfall as he makes a ‘whoosh’ noise with his mouth. It’s a little too loud for your liking and you hiss at him, poking at his stomach before quickly pulling him over to the menstrual health aisle.

“I’ve used some toilet paper but it probably won’t last. It’s come on pretty hard and fast today. Please don’t laugh.” You beg him and his face sobers immediately, eyes darting over your own as he takes in your distressed appearance. Licking at his lips, he inhales deeply before nodding.

“Okay, you use tampons, right? So like...which ones? You never keep the box.” Automatically he starts to look over all the boxes of tampons; staring at the brands, types and absorption levels like he’s reading signs in Mandarin or something. It makes you want to laugh, despite the situation.

You appreciate his eagerness to help though, even when he points at random boxes with absolutely zero knowledge of what it was.

“What’s the difference in the brands? Is there a difference? Or is it like...when you buy those store brand biscuits and realise they taste the same as the branded biscuits only to find out that they’re made in the same factory and just relabelled?” That makes you snort with amusement, particularly as he’s now holding up a box of Tampax and a store brand to try and see the difference.

He’s not finished yet though, and even though you still feel the urgency to just grab some and run, you can’t help but let him entertain you. Because that’s what he’s doing. You’re not oblivious, you’ve realised over time that if you’re feeling anxious or uncomfortable or shy, Hoseok will often use humour to distract you away from your negativity.

It’s nice, which is why you let him carry on for a minute or so more.

“What are the drops for? And what’s the difference between regular and super? I mean, I think you’re pretty super but is this like...super big or something? Wait, is this plastic?! How does it absorb blood if it’s plastic?” Rolling your eyes at him, you bite your lip to stop the laughter that wants to escape before reaching past him to grab the box you usually buy.

Lifting it, you decide for a quick crash course in tampons. As your boyfriend, you never know when you might need him to run out to the store for some and the last thing you need is him bringing the entirely wrong type back.

“I use Tampax, purely cos it’s just the brand I’ve always used and I’m familiar with it. Super and regular are like the absorption so you’d use a super for the first few days when a period is heaviest. Hence why I’m getting these. The drops are the absorption rating too basically and it’s not plastic, that’s just the applicator that makes it easier to insert.” You say it all pretty quickly, but quietly enough that only he hears.

Not that there’s any need, the store is loud enough that your conversation can’t be overheard and on top of that, there’s no one in this aisle anyway. But Hoseok nods thoughtfully, scanning the front of the box carefully.

“When we get home, I think I need a crash course in periods because I’m feeling pretty useless and dumb right now.” Laughing, you lean up to kiss his cheek quickly before heading in the direction of the cashiers.

“We can do that for you. It’s better to be educated after all. This is where I find out that you have this bizarre knowledge that is unbelievably wrong and I cringe.” Hoseok doesn’t answer back to that, causing you to look back and chuckle at his meek shrug and wince.

“What can I say? I’ve never had a girlfriend long enough to learn and education in high school was terrible. I’m not even gonna try to defend myself.” Humming lightly, you grin at him as you pay before heading out of the store. Looking in the direction of the toilets, you twist your lips as you consider your options.

“You want to eat at that place, right?” You ask, nodding your head towards the Japanese place that was down the opposite end of the street. Hoseok looks that way and nods, confirming his desire to you. Already you can feel your stomach rumble as you imagine the delicious food.

“Okay, we’ll just go there and I’ll go straight to the restroom in there. Come on.” Reaching you, you take his hand and smile up at him, your walk not so hurried now compared to before. Not that you aren’t completely aware of the fact that you’re free bleeding from your vagina right now, but walking faster might just aggravate it more.

You had what you needed, so now you could relax a little more.

“Why are there so many steps in this? Don’t you get bored?” Hoseok mumbles, his words a little slurred due to the fact you’re rubbing serum into his cheeks. He’s already been here for ages in the bathroom as you’d used a cleanser to clean his face before exfoliating and then using toner on some cotton pads.

You could tell that he was amused by the whole situation, even though he’d seen you do this many times before. But it was different experiencing it for himself you supposed. Still, he looked so adorable and you cooed to him, squishing his cheeks even more in amusement.

“No. It’s relaxing. You’re supposed to relax.” That makes him scowl, the expression not nearly as intense as he was going for given you’ve got his lips in the cutest pout. Still, you’re finished with that part so you let him go, laughing as he runs his fingers over his skin.

“I’m not relaxed. More...manhandled.” Scoffing, you roll your eyes as you get to work rubbing the serum you need into your skin, focusing on your eyes. The dark circles beneath them were far too...well dark for your liking.

“Okay, how’s your skin lately? Dry? Oily?” Frowning at you, he twists his lips as he considers your question. He’s been taking better care of his skin than he had been before dating you, but you knew that he still didn’t care that much. Surprisingly though, he has an answer for you.

“Dry?” Nodding to yourself, you reach through your box of face masks and pull out a moisturising one. Handing it over to him, you take your own and rip it open, pulling out the mask and carefully putting it on. Hoseok watches you intently before opening up his mask, his face immediately twisting into a cringe.

“Ewwww, oh my god. Why is it so slimy?!” He whines, holding it over the sink like it’s some monster that might kill him. With the mask on your face, you can’t laugh properly like you want to.

“Stop being a baby and put it on.” With a little more whining, he does so, lining it up and putting it onto his face. What follows is then complaints that it’s also cold and feels weird, causing you to roll your eyes at him once more as you help to smooth out any creases in it.

“Right, we’ve got to keep this on for twenty minutes so let’s go watch some Netflix,” Looking over him, you take in how he still manages to look handsome even with a white sheet mask on. “It’s not fair that you always look so good. Honestly.”

Hoseok just shrugs before licking his lips, his reaction immediate as he registers the foul taste. “Oh fuck me, what the fuck. This tastes fucking vile!”

“...you’re not meant to eat it, babe, they don’t make it for the taste.” He washes his hands in the sink to get rid of the remaining residue before following you out to the couch in the living room, Netflix still paused on the large television screen. Kasumi is curled up on her cat tree, fluffy body small as she sleeps quietly.

For around ten minutes, neither of you speak as you continue to watch Warrior Nun. It’s surprisingly got both your attention hooked, so you’re a little surprised when Hoseok suddenly speaks up and distracts you.

“Hey...I know this is a weird time to talk about this but after your whole period thing today it reminded me. So, I’ve been thinking lately. You definitely don’t want kids...right?” He looks at you and you get the impression he would raise his brow if he could. When you nod in response, he blows out a breath slowly.

“Okay...how would you feel if I said I wanted to get a vasectomy? I mean, I know you’ve said you don’t want kids but there’s always a chance that you might and a vasectomy is pretty final. Despite what people say.” Now it’s your for your expression to be mostly hidden by your face mask, your eyes widening until your eyelashes are uncomfortably touching the edges of the holes.

“You want that? I thought guys normally got all weirded out at that prospect. And I don’t want kids, ever. Full stop. Are you sure?” Of all the things you were going to be discussing tonight, you did not expect it to be this. It’s almost amusing that Hoseok has decided right now is the time for something so serious, when you both look so silly.

“I do. I just...I don’t want to risk a pregnancy and I know you’re scared of that too. Also, it’d put less stress on you, I know most birth control is usually aimed at women except for condoms and it’s a lot easier for me to get a vasectomy than for you to get anything done.” That makes you snort in acknowledgement, shifting on the couch until you pull your leg up and wrap your arms around it.

“Yeah, because god forbid a woman not want to fulfil her natural duty and pop out a kid, right?”

“I’ve been looking into it, I’m pretty sure I could get one. If not, I’ll just talk the doctor’s ear off until they let me. Because it’s gonna happen. It’s way easier and less stressful than anything you have to do.” His dual concern for not wanting to cause an accidental pregnancy that neither of you wanted along with not wanting the burden to fall too heavily on you warms you, causing you to reach out and grasp his hand tightly as you squeeze at it.

“Is it easy? Or quick?”

“Apparently. Some guys say it doesn’t hurt at all, others said it hurts. But...I’m pretty sure I want it. I just wanted to check with you that you’d be okay with the idea too. As I said, it’s final.” Hoseok smiles at you as best he can, causing you to shuffle a little closer to him. You’d like to rest your head against his shoulder but you’d just get it covered in face mask gunk.

“I mean, it’s your body. It doesn’t have anything to do with me.” Pointing this out to him, you look up and tilt your head, your statement almost a question.

It makes him sigh and focus on your hands, shifting them until he could interlink his fingers with your own. You let him do so, figuring he should probably be taking the lead in this conversation. It is about him after all.

“We’re in a relationship. A serious relationship and this decision would affect both of us. It’s cutting off the chance for biological kids, despite people saying you might be able to reverse it. I feel you should have a say too.” Nodding slowly, you hum lightly as you consider his words carefully.

“Well, if you want it then I’ll support you completely. I never want children so you don’t have to worry about that. It’s your decision, but I just want to make sure you think it over properly and do research, okay? Don’t go rushing into it.” That makes him snort in amusement.

“Meeps, if there’s one thing you should know by now; it’s that men do not take decisions regarding their dick and balls lightly. You can be damn sure I’m going to be 100% in my decision if I’m going to let someone come near my balls with a scalpel or somet.” The way he says this is so matter of fact that you can’t help but laugh, the sound not as big or bright as you’d like it to be given you still had your mask on.

“Man, I can’t believe I’m talking about someone knifing my balls while I’m sitting here looking like a dollar store Michael Myers.” Hoseok points at himself, his bemusement clearly obvious despite his poor Halloween costume and you giggle softly.

Reaching out, you run your fingers through his hair that’s currently being held back by a bandana and smile at him softly. “Come on, let’s go get these off and start looking human again.”

Hoseok follows you immediately, already peeling the face mask off and making casual comments about how the mask isn’t as slimy as it had once been. You take off your own and drop it into the small bin in the bathroom, making sure that he does the same.

“Okay, rub it in and pat it dry. Make sure you get the excess to go on your throat and stuff, it’s good for your skin there too.” Hoseok looks in the mirror, his face shining obscenely from the residue leftover and grimaces.

“Ew, this feels...gross,” One hand presses to his skin, rubbing it in and cringing. “Is this what it feels like when I cum on your face?”

The comment is so random that you pause for a moment, all thoughts disappearing as you comprehend what he’s just said. A glance at him makes you realise he’s being completely serious, his expression focused on rubbing his face as you’d told him. It’s moments like this that make you love him even more, the blasé comments he makes that are so funny and yet also x-rated.

“No...not really. That’s more...well it’s not all over, you know? And it’s thicker than this. And I don’t know why I’m explaining this to you. You know what your cum feels like.” A snort from him gives away his bemusement.

“Yeah, but I’ve never smeared it all over my face before.”

“Maybe you should. Experience it for yourself for once. It’s not all that good for you by the way, despite what people say. It has protein but it’s not enough to make it worthwhile or anything, so don’t think I’m going to be asking you for your special facials anytime soon.” Looking away from him, you grab the next item on your routine before looking at him with a smirk.

“Damn, there goes my plan to be self-sufficient. Could’ve made a whole organic spa thing out of it.”

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musicallisto · 3 years

Note

🍨Vanilla milkshake please! And congrats girl! That's so awesome!

For Narnia please!

Always thought I was a IxFJ but someone typed me as recently as a INFP and I'm still shook over it cause that might be it?

Im super duper shy but extremely bubbly and energetic when I do talk. I'm get like super passionate about things and excited about everything and accidently get too loud sometimes. Or, when it comes to school and work I dont talk at all. I can be super Type A though. Queen of researching things before going places/doing things. Really bad with starting conversations and thinking of things to say. Super innocent. I'm annoyingly empathetic, often over little things like someone getting their feelings hurt. Extroverted introvert, I like to be included and go out and LOVE adventures and taking chances but I NEED my alone time to recharge. I get super intimated by guys, especially ones I like/think are cute. I get left out a lot but also create fun for myself and not afraid to go to places alone and have a great time. Always worried about being rejected. Overly sensitive. I also think everyone always hates me secretly. I have tons of ambition and passion and am super sweet. Can always find a positive in any situation. I can be super over sensitive tho. I can be super intense sometimes and steam roll but it's because I'm super passionate. I get excited about any and everything. Both a kid at heart and an old soul. If you have seen The Middle, I am literally Sue Heck and Leslie Knope from Parks and Rec.Physical touch is my love language (words of affirmation a close second tho), tho I'm often shy to initiate it.

I am love to smile and laugh, I find pretty much anything that is slightly amusing super funny and will laugh.

Thanks so much girl! Have a great day/night!

hi! thank you so much for your compliments! I hope you enjoy your vanilla milkshake - a royal milkshake, if I may, given that you’ll share it with none other than high king peter the magnificent...

Or rather, when you met him, just Peter Pevensie, the boy who had come to live with his siblings in your neighbor’s immense mansion.

You loved your life in the country - it was peaceful and you enjoyed incredible mornings, with the sky turning every color of the rainbow, all for you to see... but sometimes, it did get a little lonely, especially with your father off to the war, and no other children to spend your afternoons with.

So, despite the rather grim circumstances that led the Pevensies to move to the old Professor’s countryhouse, on the land right opposite yours, you were pretty glad that you finally had a few friends.

Well, that you had the possibility to have friends, because living in isolation and homeschooled did not help your social skills and timidity. You were too scared to make the first move and ask if you could play with them... so you just climbed the trees that bordered both properties, and observed them from afar, not knowing how to make your presence known.

Until Peter noticed you perched atop your branch, with your summer dress and little bow in your hair. His eldest brother instincts kicked in at first and he observed you with defiance, but when he saw how red your cheeks turned, he understood that all you wanted was a playmate.

(And you were pretty, but he never would have admitted that, especially not in front of his siblings. He was the eldest! He had a responsiblity!)

“What’s your name?”

“M-Meredith.”

“Do you want to play with us?”

“Y-Yes, I’d love that!”

Then began the best summer of your life. Every morning, after breakfast, you ran to the Pevensies’ property and spent all life playing tag, football, and blind’s man buff... though your favorite was hide and seek, especially inside the gigantic mansion.

Though its dark corners scared you a little bit, so you often hid with Peter. He held your hand saying that he would protect you, but in reality it was but a clever excuse to feel your soft fingers in his.

It was during one of these hide and seek games that you heard your new friends’ tutor screaming out of her mind from somewhere in the distance... that you all fled and took refuge in the age-old wardrobe, and got propulsed into the world of Narnia.

You handled the whole situation pretty well, all things considered. Your optimism and determination was definitely a huge motivation and driving force for the Pevensie siblings; when they felt like giving up, especially when Edmund was held by the White Witch, you were always there to lift their spirits up.

Even after Aslan’s demise, and when everyone seemed lost and you were scared out of your mind that you would lose Peter or Edmund on the battlefield, you remained hopeful, and held Peter’s hand all throughout the night before the battle.

Holding hands had become your love language, a discreet but unmistakable form of affection and a way to reassure the other that you were there and you would never go away. You kept the habit long after Peter was crowned High King of Narnia...

... and, years later, you were crowned too, as his Queen consort.

It had always been a foregone conclusion in his mind, from the moment he had laid eyes on you in that tree, so much so that he hadn’t even really wondered if he should ask you. Whenever he imagined his future, it was always as a protector of Narnia, a humble servant of Aslan, and entirely devoted to you, to your happiness and wellbeing. He always knew he’d find a way to spend forever with you - and forever in Narnia, as your King, didn’t sound half-bad.

Peter obviously loves himself a good adventure, and there’s so much to discover in the immense world of Narnia; and unless it is exceptionally dangerous, or his sole presence is requested, he always brings you with him on his travels. It allows the two of you to not be separated, but, first and foremost, he loves the spark of enthusiasm and happiness you always carry with you, especially on journeys.

But if you’re really drained after a long day of adventures, he’ll be more than happy to give you time alone to recharge; or, if you are at the castle, you’ll take a stroll in the gardens of Cair Paravel, away from all the kingly responsibilities and duties. Not that he doesn’t enjoy being in charge, but sometimes he needs to take a breather as well, and your company is the best for that.

He’ll drape an arm around your shoulder as you gush about the last novel you’ve read, or your archery practice with Susan, and he listens attentively; then, when you’re not looking, he’ll pluck a flower from a nearby bush and nest it in your hair.

Then you’ll both grin and blush just a little bit, because you’re both softies at heart, even after all the battles and feasts.

That’s why you work so well together, in a way.

800 follower sleepover

#captainshazamerica #800sleepover #ship request #narnia #narnia ship #peter pevensie #peter pevensie x reader #peter pevensie imagine #peter pevensie headcanons #narnia headcanons

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sailorgreywolf-legacy · 3 years

Text

So....this was supposed to be an answer to a prompt. But I tried to save it to Drafts and Tumblr ate it, so I’m posting it this way instead. The prompt was “I see the way you look at him” for SpAus (requested by the lovely @enchantingtriumph )

One very important clarification: This happens before Chapter 6 of Legacy, and that scene.

-----------------------------------------

It had been a while since Austria had visited Madrid. It was not because of a lack of enthusiasm for his husband, because looking at Spain still made his heart race. Political entanglements in the German states had made it impossible to take the time to visit.

He had written to Spain many times asking him to make time to come to Vienna, the answer had always been the same. It had been impossible for him to leave his empire unattended, even for a trip to see his husband. It had left Austria feeling slightly bitter towards the empire as a whole. Before his explorations, Spain had time for other things, and in recent years he had seemed entirely focused on babysitting the children that he had brought back from the New World.

Austria wasn’t sure whether he had imagined a certain new impersonal coldness in the letters. He had told himself that it was his imagination, but Spain’s letters had seemed to become more formal.

He had decided that it was time for a visit, even if it meant leaving some things to his ministers. If Spain was growing distant, then he needed a loving embrace to remind him of the passion in their marriage.

They were sitting on a veranda with the afternoon sun providing pleasant warmth. Spain’s palace in Madrid had such beautiful spaces to enjoy the pleasant summer climate. As he contemplated Spain across the table, he wondered if he should bring up any of his thoughts about his changing tone. Perhaps it would be better to wait until they were alone together at night. It seemed like it would sour the rest of the day if he were to raise it in the moment, and he didn’t want to start on something so unpleasant.

He picked up one of the oranges and started to peel it, and momentarily contemplated whether he should have asked a servant so that he could keep his hands clean. He glanced at Spain again and broke the silence, “I have missed you.”

Spain had been looking at the horizon like he was expecting something. He turned his head and replied, “I’ve missed you too. It’s been far too long.”

The words sounded sincere enough, but his eyes didn’t seem to reflect it. Austria dismissed the feeling that it was odd, because it may have just been the time and the distance. The feeling dissipated when Spain smirked and added, “I can show you how much I’ve missed you later when we go to bed. There are some things I have missed quite a lot.”

Austria chuckled; no one else would dare to be as bold as his husband. No one else would dare to voice their desires so clearly. He responded, “Have I left you lonely?” Spain smirked and said, “Oh, very lonely. My bed has been cold.”

Austria could feel himself blushing. He was certain that he had missed this feeling that he was desirable to his husband. Before he could respond, the silence was interrupted by the sound of hooves.

Spain’s head turned immediately. Austria was intrigued. This must be whatever Spain had been looking for so anxiously. Austria turned his gaze curiously towards the sound.

It lighted upon a young man who was busy dismounting, and handing his reins to a waiting groom. The first thing he noticed was that the coat the man was wearing was exceptionally rich, and had gold embroidery at the sleeves. He couldn’t help but think how expensive that must have been.

As he looked, he also noticed that the person that Spain was busy looking at also had incredibly fit thighs. He could at least appreciate that Spain had good reason to be so distracted.

Then, the person turned to face them, and Austria got a clear view of his face. It took a moment for him to recognize the young man who had seemingly aged several years since he had last seen him. The last time he had laid eyes on New Spain the boy had been much shorter and had still had the chubby cheeks of a child.

Looking at him in the moment, he guessed that New Spain had aged very quickly. He looked more like a strapping young man than a child. But, once he saw his face, Austria felt ashamed for looking at his thighs the way that he had. Though he did not look like the cherubic child that Austria remembered, he was still quite young.

Austria glanced at Spain, who had yet to tear his eyes away from his colony. As he watched, Spain silently beckoned. New Spain smiled and immediately started approaching.

Austria peeled off a segment of orange and took a bite as he contemplated the situation. Something felt like it had changed in the years he was gone. He took stock of the moment.

The way that Spain was looking at his colony seemed to conceal very little, and New Spain’s smile seemed to return the feelings. New Spain was absolutely beaming when he reached the table. He noticed Austria and offered him a courteous bow. At least Spain had been careful to teach his charge proper respect.

Spain said, “Ale, come sit with us.”

Austria glanced around, counting the chairs. There were only the two, and he certainly was not going to give up his seat for a colony. New Spain seemed to realize the same thing, and said, “Is there space for me?”

Spain glanced around, clearly amused. He seemed to notice the lack of chairs, but was not fazed by it. He pulled New Spain into his lap and said, “See, plenty of space.”

Austria raised an eyebrow at how comfortably Spain did that. With a small child he would not question, but New Spain was far from being a child. And the way that Spain took hold of his waist hardly seemed familial.

Spain continued to speak to his colony, “How is he?”

For a moment Austria did not understand the question, until he realized that Spain was asking about the horse which the boy had apparently been putting through its paces.

New Spain was staring at Spain as he said, “He’s quite fast, and he listens well.” Spain was looking at him with rapt attention, and had little attention for anything else. He replied, “Then it was a good present.”

Austria looked at the boy’s face, and he noticed the distinct pink that rose in his cheeks and the way that his gaze didn’t leave Spain’s lips. New Spain answered, “I do not expect so much for my birthday every year.”

Austria was beginning to feel distinctly like he was the unwanted third person at the table. At that moment, he understood the sudden coolness in Spain’s letters. He had not been starving for romantic attention.

Spain put his hand on the boy’s face and said sweetly, “If you want a horse every year, I will be sure that you get it.”

Austria tried not to imagine the expense that it would take to fulfill that promise. New Spain laughed, though the statement had not been particularly funny. Then he said with a smile, “You’re too generous.”

He seemed to be doing his best to charm Spain, and as far as Austria could tell it was working. He took note of the way New Spain was wearing his waistcoat unbuttoned, so anyone could see his undershirt.

Spain planted a soft kiss on his colony’s cheek and said, “Go get cleaned up for dinner.” New Spain broke their moment and looked at Austria as he said, “Should I come to dinner?”

Austria appreciated that the boy still understood what might be too far. Spain nodded and answered, “Yes, I am expecting you to.”

New Spain nodded like he understood. Only then did he do as he was told. He stood up and gave Austria one last glance before he walked away.

Without a shred of shame Spain turned his head to watch the boy walk away. Austria cleared his throat and said, “You haven’t been that lonely, I see.” Spain looked at him and said, “What do you mean by that?”

It seemed absurd that he was going to feign any ignorance after what he had just done. But Austria clarified anyway, “I am not blind. I see the way that you look at him.”

Spain shook his head like he had any room to pretend. He said, “It isn’t what you’re thinking. I am not doing anything with him.” Austria scoffed, and countered, “But you want to. Or do all of your colonies get horses for their birthdays?”

He saw the facade drop as Spain realized that he was caught. His demeanor shifted, and he said, “Are you going to remind me to be faithful?”

Austria would like to say that there was no room for other lovers in their marriage, but his mind lingered on how long it had been since they had seen each other. He sighed, and resigned himself to the inevitability of some infidelity. He answered, “No, I’m not. I know that I’m not here often, and you may not want to be alone.”

It felt bitter to say it, but he was well aware of the proper way to react to a royal mistress. Spain looked surprised to get such an accepting answer. Before he could get too pleased with the permission, Austria added, “But, if you must do something, I want you to be discreet. I do not want all of Europe to know about this.” Spain nodded and replied, “Very well.”

Austria was dubious at how easily he took the condition, but he was not going to push. Only time would tell whether he was able to keep the promise.

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shra-vasti · 4 years

Text

Hello

Pairing : Kim Mingyu x reader

Type : Soulmate au, idol au

Genre : Fluff

Warnings : none

Word count : 3-4k approx

Soulmate au type : In which the soulmates have spirit animals who guide them towards each other and the spirit animals themselves are each other's soulmates too.

Mingyu is someone who has always set himself as his priority, there was a time when he was insecure about himself but he has learned to not let his insecurities take a toll on him. He worked hard to be the Mingyu he is today and he's thankful that his members were by his side through everything.

He has a reputation in the kpop community, he's outgoing and is very friendly in nature which helps him in having many connections to expand himself and his group further into success. It's his way of making himself useful for his group and not feel pressured that the group's responsibility lay only in the hands of leaders.

With that said, even if he tried his hard he gets tired, there are still the times when he feels insecure and useless but asking members to always cheer him up would just make him look like he's trying way too hard so he never asked their help.

He instead opt for going out with different girls, he enjoys people being wrapped around his fingers, it gives him satisfaction. He doesn't date seriously he wants to save his love for the one fate has tied him to. But he doesn't like being lonely. He never stay with the same girl for long and doesn't keep them blinded just so they don't potentially hurt themselves. He is very clear about his intentions and avoids all sort of feelings involved.

The members don't approve of his behaviour especially the 3 oldest ones. Seungcheol doesn't want him to go wrong way, Jeonghan wants him to maintain his image for the sake of his soulmate's feelings as he knows how it feels to hurt your own soulmate and potentially wither the bond and Joshua has been in the very unfortunate situation where he had recklessly fallen in love with someone else and ended up hurting himself and his soulmate and he doesn't want the younger to go through the same.

But Mingyu isn't getting emotionally involved with anyone, he likes hooking up with them and hang out casually nothing more serious, he just wants to be his best version for his soulmate.

"Where are you going?" Mingyu turn his head towards the voice to see Jeonghan leaned on his doorframe eyeing him with a questioning gaze. Mingyu turned his attention back towards the mirror taking one last look at his outfit and spraying some perfurme on his neck and wrist ready to go.

"Date." he replied simply looking into the elder's eyes through the mirror.

"What about coco? Has it shown itself lately?" Jeonghan asked raising his eyebrows talking about Mingyu's spirit animal, a puppy, who summons itself whenever it can feel his soulmate's presence and try to lead Mingyu towards his soulmate.

"Nope." Mingyu shrugs disappointment laced in his voice but bears a nonchalant look on his face. There hasn't been much time since he got his soulmark and coco has shown itself not more than once or twice from then till now. For Mingyu the occurrence of Coco is his one in a million chance and he had witness himself passing out the first time it showed up ultimately leading the members to take him to the hospital and him losing his chance to meet you. The situation itself was funny and pathetic enough and he beats himself regularly for being such a dramatic guy.

"I hope you meet your soulmate before you meet up with your fling though. I don't understand how you even get them to agree with your stupid deal." Jeonghan exclaimed as he turn around and made his way towards his own room which was located right beside Mingyu's. There wasn't a point in trying to explain the cons of the situation Mingyu was putting himself into, he had done it countless of time.

Mingyu shook his head still processing Jeonghan's words as he grabbed his jacket since it was cold outside and phone and left the dorm to meet up with his date.

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You stood up from your reception seat to greet your senior who was promoted recently to a higher position. He was the one who handled the reception before you did. You were the intern in the pledis building working on the reception area by the main entrance as a part of your internship program held by your college.

"How's the work going? Are you comfortable?" he asked trying to have a small talk. It hasn't been much time since you started and you were still getting a hang of things. You nodded at him.

"I'm still trying to get used to being busy all the time." he laughed at your response telling you about the time when he was new in the building and how much struggle he went through as well as complimenting you for doing way better than he did at his time.

You haven't met any idols here yet not all atleast. You have seen few members of nuest and bumzu and other than them majority of your time you had just met the trainees who were working hard to reach their goals. You hadn't met Seventeen yet, although the group is the most active group pledis ever produced, because they had a world tour when you joined in and then they moved to bighit building all together.

You finished up your remaining work without a break after your senior left, determined to finish all the work tonight itself so that you can get a day off of finishing the work and focus on other aspects of your internship and relaxing.

You looked at the watch as you kept your last file inside your drawer, cracking your knuckles and moving your head up and down to ease the numbness built up due to constant sitting. It was past midnight as you blamed yourself for not keeping a track of the time. Walking alone at night wasn't a good idea, you could have just finished the rest of the work at home. It was going to be your first time going home this late so you were a bit worried.

You packed your stuff and got your coat as you made your way out of the building. You head towards the main gate when a car pulled up in front of you, the windows rolled down as you saw your senior get out of his car surprised to still see you in the building.

"What are you doing up this late?" he asked as he stood in front of you hands clad inside his pockets as he waited for your answer.

"Lost track of time while trying to finish off the work. I'm heading off to my house now so I guess I'll see you around." you bowed as you continued to walk when he stopped you.

"It's midnight and I don't think it will be good for you to go home alone. Let me drop you otherwise it will keep on bugging me that I left you all by yourself. I'm your senior I am just looking out for your safety." he suggested, you contemplated for sometime but gave up when you realized he was right and being with someone atleast a bit familiar to you was better than being anxious while going home.

You made your way towards the passenger seat and he drove off. You gave him the address of your apartment complex as you relaxed on the seat.

"I had some things to discuss with you about working at the reception." he said, his eyes still trained towards the road ahead. You looked in his direction.

"What about it?" you asked as you played with your fingers.

"Wanna talk about it while having a drink? I bought this new wine and wanted to drink and this is the perfect opportunity to do it in the name of you successfully getting the internship program and me welcoming you to the building." he said as he nonchalantly eyed you before once again bringing his attention towards the road.

"It's totally fine, I'll just head home as I'm really tired." you politely declined his offer when you felt him narrowing his eyes at you.

"The drinking isn't the main reason just so you know. I said I wanted to discuss somethings with you and also give you some files essential to carry out the task more easily." he said matter of factly his tone a bit off in offense. "Are you thinking I'm going to take advantage of you or something?"

"No no it's not like that." you mumbled frantically waving your hands in the air as you tried to come up with a better reason. "I'll go with you." you sighed as you turned your head to look out of the window cursing at yourself for bringing yourself to this situation. The drive was quiet of a while before he spoke again.

"You look more beautiful with your hair like this. Not that you don't look good always but you look exceptionally good today. Just wanted to compliment you and nothing else."

You heartbeat quickened as you mumbled a quite thanks trying to avoid any sort of conversation with him. You were going to talk to him about the work, take files from him and head towards home straight.

Your eyes narrowed in confusion when the car stopped in front of a big mansion. The name plate in the main gate gave you that it's your seniors house. Why would he bring you to his house?

"To clear your confusion I have the files in my house so let's get them." he said as he made his way towards his door and opened it motioning you to come inside as he did too. You made your way towards his door and decided you would just stand there till he bring the files and leave.

"You aren't coming in?" he asked as he realized you weren't following him. You shook your head telling him to just give you the file and leave.

"At least have a drink with me now that you have came this far." he said getting impatient by the fact that you didn't seem to gave in to what he had to say.

"No sir I would like to kindly reject the offer." you said as your breath hitched when he angrily stomped towards you.

"You know I'm capable of making your life miserable at the building right?" he mocked as he looked towards you laughing. "You haven't hit the rock bottom till now right? You should just give into me, your internship will run more smoothly if you would do so."

"I'm a college student ofcourse I'm already at my rock bottom what's the worse that can happen? I've my pride and I would like to decline your offer I can manage my life myself." you said as you bowed him one last time before making your way out of his door.

"Then go ahead. Do what you want and just go to your home by yourself I'm not dropping you off I'll see how you manage to go home now, my house is in completely opposite direction of yours." he said as he shut the door on your face harshly.

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Mingyu fixed his shirt's button as he made his way out of the house of the girl he was on date with. He put on a mask and his jacket, too much disguise bring more suspicion so he preferred to not disguise too much.

He got inside his car as he started driving towards the seventeen dorm. He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel as he lightly hummed to himself. He hung out with her and made out not feeling in his system to hookup with someone for a quite while, he decided he would just head to the dorm as it was 3 in the morning.

It had started to rain lightly making Mingyu check the weather forecast, it was winter season and very unlikely to rain, he shrugged he was in his car so it wasn't much of a hassle. The unlikely occurrence of the rain wasn't much shocking as compared to the shock he got when Coco, his spirit animal summon itself and started pacing furiously on the dashboard of his car making Mingyu stop his car in an instant.

"Are they near?" Mingyu asked as he began opening his car door. Coco nodded his head, completely understanding what he was saying. "Lets go."

Mingyu's heart was beating fast as he locked his car door cursing at coco for not stopping for him as it was already running towards the direction where it could feel its soulmate's presence. Mingyu's one hand was above his head, an unsuccessful and useless attempt at keeping himself dry from the rain.

He kept on running and running till he stopped, watching as Coco was straddling another small spirit animal, puppy, which he assumed was of his soulmate. They looked happy but where were you?

He looked here and there to see a silhouette near the bus stand watching the two puppies playing around. No one other than the owners could see them. He smiled as he saw your expressions change in realization, a shock clearly evident on your form as you finally locked eyes with him.

He made his way towards you while his hands came up and he waved his hands towards you, smiling up at bit. You got up from your seat, all drenched in rain feeling cold but happy at the same time as you took small steps towards your soulmate.

Your feelings were overwhelming you at this point. The earlier event and then suddenly meeting your soulmate together was too much for you. You were all alone with no buses at such time making you wait for the earliest bus possible for returning back home. You had been sitting on this bus stop for 3 hours straight with no one else and it started raining.

The sight of Mingyu was enough for you though. He came near you speeding towards you when he noticed your drenched form and your scared face. He hugged you the moment he came close enough not bothering to even introduce himself as you hugged him back and finally started crying holding onto him tightly.

He was confused as to what has happened for you to react this way, it was sure that it wasn't his fault considering how tight you were holding onto him. He patted your back with one hand as the other run through your hair softly as he mumbled in your ear that you were safe with him and that you can let it all out. He figured it has stopped raining as your cries subsidised too.

"I'm sorry." you sniffed feeling embarrassed that your soulmate had to meet you this way when you haven't even property glanced at him. You pull away after that wiping the tears from your face as you pulled your head up to look at him.

"No worries. I'm here for you from now on."

"Mingyu?" your eyes widened at the sight of the idol in front of you. You had heard and saw a lot about Seventeen and you never once even thought that the visual of Seventeen was also your soulmate.

"You know me?" his eyes widened as you nodded your head.

"Hello." he awkwardly said making you laugh loudly. "Are you perhaps a carat?"

"No but I do like your music and you are very popular so I know." you told him as you felt yourself getting flustered the more you look in his direction. You didn't know if it was the bond or he was actually that attractive but you know that he already had some sort of effect on you. He was more beautiful than tje pictures you have seen from the magazines and subways.

You attention shifted towards the puppies who were now beside you as they faced each other with their tail wagging furiously.

"What's its name?" you asked eyeing the unfamiliar puppy playing with your spirit animal. Both of them looked so happy with finding each other. You suddenly felt sorry for not paying attention to your spirit animal as you were focused more on yourself to even notice the fact that the creature only summons itself when your soulmate is near.

"Coco. What about yours?" he asked as he felt amused as to he wasn't the only one who named their spirit animal. He felt like he was weird for naming it but not now.

"Chips." you said as you duck your head down in embarrassment. The first time your spirit animal showed up was when you were out for buying chips and hence the name.

He raised his eyebrows at your answer then laughing slightly. "So they together become Coco-chips then?"

"Oh god they do." you laughed alone with him watching as the two puppies played with each other.

"Let me drop you home you'll get sick if you keep on wearing those clothes." he said as he intertwined your hand with his and dragged you back towards where his car was. Both of you were silent all through the time when you were going towards his car and making your way towards your house. The only words shared between both of you being your name and address.

He didn't ask you anything about how you ended up so far away from your home at this time of the night and you were more than thankful to him for giving you your time. He kept on holding your hands and draw meaningless pattern on them with his thumb.

"Here." you welcomed him inside your house as both of you reach your apartment. He nodded at you as he took off his blazer and put in on the table. He was not drenched in rain as he wasn't out in the rain unlike you so he made himself comfortable on your couch as you excused yourself to get changed.

"Do you want some coffee?" you asked as you made your way towards him after you change. He shook his head and motioned you to join him. You sat on the couch as you contemplated on what to say.

"Are you alright now?" he asked concern laced across his face as he spoke to you. You nodded your head smiling at him.

"Mind telling me about it? Only if you are comfortable though."

"I was returning from pledis building to home when my senior asked if he could drop me. It was already midnight...." and you went on and on telling him about each and everything that happened till the time he found you.

At this point he was by your side, his arms around you as he swayed you back and forth as you let all the frustration out.

"You don't have any schedule tomorrow?" you asked after sometime.

"I do have but not untill later. So I get to spend some time with my soulmate." he grinned at you making you blush.

"I'll protect you from now on. You don't have to worry about him I'll make sure he is out of the building tomorrow so you don't have to face his shitty attitude. I don't know if it's too early but I will do anything for you to not get hurt." he smiled as he kissed your forehead telling you to just go to sleep after the hectic night.

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"You, these kinds of feelings I hope I’m not the only one who has them. You, more than mine I'm curious about your feelings. You, from now on I want our days to be each other’s days, me and you."

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