#i have an appt with my doctor tomorrow so hopefully whatever i get put on next helps more than my current meds 🤞

[wickedhawtwexler]

i am Definitely Not A Doctor but if you have adhd and aren't able to access adequate medication, rhodiola rosea supplements have been saving my ass these last few months

[cthulhuofficial]

September 2, 2019

Ever since my family cruise, I have been feeling extremely low. I would list out exactly what I’ve been thinking, but I’m trying to avoid the negative self-talk. Is it helpful to write that stuff down and dig into it? Or is that just allowing myself to spiral? I guess I should just write it to down, if only to work through it.

I feel ugly. My hair is so thin, I can’t style it without my scalp showing through. My skin is bad, and makeup seems to just wear off, leaving me with undereye bags, uneven tone, and a red nose. Even if makeup worked, my natural features are bad - the droopy eyes, the mannish jaw, the thin lips, the ugly nose. My body feels heavy and matronly, with my wide hips, and I’m always so sweaty and stinky. I hate all my clothes, and all my attempts at styling myself differently end up poorly - I just don’t know how to put together a coherent wardrobe. I just don’t know what to do.

Worst of all, I can’t even think of a good thing about myself that has nothing to do with appearance! I am socially awkward and have weird interests and a really hard time talking to people who don’t share them, which is 99.9% of people. I was on a four-day trip to Durango this week with my boyfriend, his best friend and his girlfriend, and another of his friends. I felt so out of my element. My boyfriend and I even had a little quarrel because I was stressing out about my hair, which I admit is a really silly thing to stress about... We made up, but I’m also worried now that... what if I don’t get better? What if I lose my boyfriend because I’ve become this miserable person? I’m so happy, and I’m terrified of losing it... and in a grand streak of dramatic irony, what if that’s the very reason I do lose it? Sean is so handsome and likeable, I truly don’t know what he sees in me; he could have anyone. He says I’m beautiful.

Maybe I need to spend a little more time on my appearance? That kind of makes me feel worse because I know it’s fake. Curling my hair or whatever. Underneath I’m still ugly.

Now I’m crying, so I don’t know if this has been helpful or not. Hopefully I can sleep okay. I’m going to text a counselor I know tomorrow and see if I can schedule an appt. I am truly at a loss of how to get back on track. This is different than my anxiety, how do you combat negative self-talk and negative self-image? I will also do a little online research. I want to make a list of my values again, as well, and look over my goals and habits to make sure I’m actually pursuing the things I want to pursue. My doctor also told me to eat more protein and continue taking vitamins and to cut down on stress (phew!). I guess I’ll try to meditate again. I am also thinking about starting up stitchfix again, so I can experiment with some new styles without having to shop myself, which I hate.

This looks like a good exercise, very similar to the one that my old counselor had me do with my anxious thoughts. I need to go to bed soon, but I want to end this with some gratitude, instead of my tearing myself down.

Things I was grateful for today:

Sitting and just reading with Sean.

Sean and I cooked pad thai together and it was fun and delicious.

Sean and I talked about books! He is starting Watchmen next month and I’m going to read it with him.

Very good sex with Sean.

Got to spend time with Cameron. We saw the re-release of The Matrix in theaters, and I enjoyed it a lot.

Happy to see my cat again after many days.

Sean listened to my thoughts about the Gruul, which have to do with a backstory I’m writing

I am genuinely pleased with my latest character backstory effort, which I showed to Sean today.

I am grateful for my car, which, even though I’ll have to abandon it if switching out the O2 sensor doesn’t work, has been with me through so much and so many years.

Sean and I did a lot of house-chores today, and it was still fun.

Getting to slow-dance with Sean briefly. I can’t wait for the weddings we have coming up so we can dance together more.

Having the money to buy some new clothes and explore my style.