#i have aphantasia so I can't picture her but its not that

[bucketofchum]

Foster Bros AU Atumu gets a girlfriend at age 22-ish? Maybe older. Maybe 25. She's respectful so she hasn't tried to push his boundaries (he's still aroace but she's a nice person - one of the few nice people he has met in his life), so they haven't ever done anything beyond cuddling before. She's older than he is. A lot of emotional intelligence. More content with under the cut (lots of SA trigger warning)

I think this is after she had met Startop and Startop acts like a total dick bc he's jealous. Atumu tries to defend his foster brother for his behaviour. After all, Startop is the only other human being who has ever been kind to him and genuinely cared for him as a person.

Atumu casually alludes to some bad shit that happened, but he seems emotionally okay with it. Doesn't go into detail but he just mentions it. Like some bad shit happened, but it's bc he's got this deformed body. And Alice is like ?? Bc she has seen Atumu in basically his underwear and he looks fine to her. He looks FINE to her haha. Anyhow he shrugs it off like it's no biggie but she is actually curious. Will be tell her? They've been dating for, idk, like, 2 years now at this point? (Atumu doesn't really know what a relationship is so I guess he doesn't know how long they have been dating. He doesn't even know what dating is).

Atumu is intersex. He doesn't really know what it is, and he doesn't know much about it. But he knows there is something physically "wrong" with him, and that's probably why all the Bad Stuff happened. He has experienced REPEATED sexual assaults, in almost every stage of his life. Early childhood (before 8 years old - but he has no memory of that, age 12 at boarding school from a group of older boys - really fucking traumatic, age 15 when he went to a private university - first week getting drugged and date raped by a bunch of upperclassmen, and 15-18 all throughout his entire undergraduate experience just because he didn't understand boundaries and didn't KNOW he was allowed to say no). By the time he was 18, in his last year in university, he was so emotionally vacant and dissociative and had basically zero will to live. He said no for the first time in his life. And kept saying no. And hadn't had sex since.

Now, some 4-6 years later, it has been a while since he has had any sexual experiences and it's....nice. He has never wanted sex. He was already asexual before the sexual assaults, and afterwards...? He has a hard time distinguishing the difference between sex and rape. Because he has NEVER wanted it. It's all the same to him.

But the kind of tragic thing is that he has sort of internalized it to be...his fault? Like the REASON he was raped was bc of his body. He's got this fucked up body - that's why he was raped. That's why all those horrible things happened to him repeatedly. And this is what he gets for having a fucked up body.

Alice can't imagine what he's talking about since he's so fucking vague about it. He never told her about the rapes, but his vague ass language gave her some idea that he might have been SA'd. But deformed? She's seen almost all of him and the only thing that seemed strange, besides how tall and thin he is, were his large scars across his back. But he has already told her that he doesn't know what those are from (that happened before he was 8 years old, which he has no living memory of).

So she asks to see. Atumu still doesn't know why anyone would want to see his genitals. He thinks all genitals are kinda........ blegh. And his in particular are even more messed up. So he gives her a warning. She still wants to see.

He does eventually show her and.....it sort of all makes sense. Why he'd say that sort of thing. Why he'd think that. He has a penis, like normal - well, I mean not that normal cuz it's MmMmmm..hmmm we will just say more than proportional ... Hm okay no additional comment, but at the base of it, it connects to what looks like a fully formed vagina instead of a scrotum. It looks identical to any normal ciswoman's labia...just weirdly where the clit would be, Atumu instead has his penis. She has heard of "hermaphrodite" before but never knew it could be like this. (She'd spend the next few days furiously teaching herself about it on the internet).

Anyhow, in the moment, she asks if she can touch it. Atumu is uncomfortable, but he allows her to. She tries a bit, but based on Atumu's body language in response, she doesn't push it.

They don't mention it again for a while, but Alice thinks about it nonstop for like...the rest of her life.

[artaxlivs]

20 questions for writers

I was tagged by @corrodedbisexual who is a kickass Steddie writer and you should check them out if you haven't already!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

45 although I have several dropping in June for Bangs (eek!)

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

419,731 - which is just bonkers.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Stranger Things, Marvel (Clint Barton centric) and Teen Wolf (I tripped and fell into that one but its just so good...fucking werewolves)

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Destroy the Silence (Drummer Steve) - Steddie

An Accidental Flogging - Steddie

The Second Worst Trip to Mordor Ever Taken - Steddie

Even Flowers Have Their Dangers - Steddie

Screw Todd, Steve's Her (His) Daddy Now - Steddie

5. Do you respond to comments?

Always. Once every three weeks or so, I go through and leave full, complete responses to every single one (It's where I've met some of my favorite peeps!)

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Angsty at the end?? Nah, I like my angst safely in the middle and I give it a nice landing in smut and laughter, thank you.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I mean, all of them? Endings are kind of my specialty - gotta stick the landing, you know? But in my Teen Wolf fic Somewhere Under the Rainbow it ends with a literal happy ending (not that kind you perv)

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Not yet but I don't write anything that would inspire hate (Hopefully?)

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yes, yes I do. I really like consent and kink discussions and unlearning all the unhealthy shit society and our parents have dumped on all of us. And service Doms...because ❤️‍🔥

10. Do you write crossovers?

I have a problem with 80s movies and crossing them into fics. Gremlins, Dirty Dancing, etc. But like, just a little. My name is ARTAXLIVS, give me a break!

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I mean AI is out there fucking us all without our consent, right?

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

I have one currently being translated (Destroy the Silence)

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I have not.

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

Winterhawk probably - Clint Barton is just perfectly imperfect and Bucky Barnes is a growling bastard with a thing for idiots.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you will?

Fuck my life - don't come for me but There's Something Wrong with Steve has been sitting at 2/4 chapters for like 9 months and I actually have the last two chapters written but there's just something not clicking so I haven't posted them. I will. I WILL.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Endings - as stated, characterization, story flow, cadence, dialogue, smut scenes, minimalist world building but not a lack of - I get a lot of comments from people who also have aphantasia (we can't picture things in our heads) and I think it's because I don't describe every stupid ass tree (Tolkien, I'm talking to you)

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Crippling self doubt

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

Enh, you do you boo. When I write sign language or D/deaf culture for Clint, I touched base with someone fluent in ASL but I have access to that so...

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Marvel - Bucky Barnes/Clint Barton (Winterhawk, my loves)

20. Favorite fic you've written?

Pic a favorite? Blergh. I really love when people comment on Even Flowers Have Their Dangers because it's the biggest world building thing I've ever done (there's a DND-like battle scene!) But also, What if Clint Fell has a special place in my heart because I love bashful first time gay Steve and slutty Clint figuring it out during WW2.

***

Pretty sure i just did one of these 20 questions things a few months ago so I'm gonna no pressure tag the people I'm currently collabing on bangs with so I can learn more about them: @angeleyz4ever @rufferto9 and I don't think @eviscer-8 writes fanfic but they're a bookbinder so maybe they could tweak the questions which would be interesting!

[rin-and-jade]

hello, cohost of a relatively newly discovered system here, i just saw a post you made in response to new system ask, and i was curious about how we would go about developing an innerworld.

i am led to believe we have aphantasia, so we cant "picture" anything in our head so i dont know if that prevents us from having a headspace/innerworld. i know some systems just dont have a headspace (a roommate of mine has DID and she has told us that she does not have a headspace, and she cannot communicate with her sysmates outside a discord server)

anyways, i was just curious if there would be a way for us to try devloping an innerworld or not after reading that post. ty

I can be of help to you, but this will heavily depend on yourselves as im here only capable of sharing what might work, from my own experiences.

To understand what makes innerworld an innerworld, by simple means,, it is a place that is reconstructed by senses mentally, vision (mental images) is one of them. You see where this is going.. right?

What if you try it by theory, i know you can't imagine, but im sure you know what it'll be like correct? For first advice, a small but functional innerworld will do because navigating in a big one whilst being 'blind' does not spark joy. Ok so, let's start the steps:

Using your other senses (tactile and hearing) as advantage: How do you want your floors,, is it solid, warm to touch and smooth? That could be porcelain. Straight ridges, un-even textures and cool to touch? That could be wood planks. Fluffy, scruffy texture and it damps noises? That could be carpet/rug floors. Now how do you want your walls,, is it wallpaper patterns you can feel by tactile? Maybe you want it the regular way that is painted smoothly? How thick or thin do you want it to be, enough to produce an echo from a knock or nothing at all? The rest then lies on personalization like furnitures and decorations,, i bet you can do this yourself. Also recommend you by practicing with little things for now and work from there, to bigger things.

Map it out: after determining which fits best, this is where the floor plan is arranged, you might want to draw it out physically (or use apps/webs its ok), from arial, or from side, or in 3d,, anything works. This will help you keep the world consistent as you can't see, as well as serving as a map to navigate around. I also have aphantasia where i can barely see anything as it fleets away so fast (i believe its in a spectrum, i saw it), leaving me having to navigate by touching the walls and guess the floor and temperature (i think windows make rooms feel hotter and in this case my living room has a big balcony). Do not over do the items as it can block your walking route leading to unnecessary bumps, if you want shelves or something hanged above, place them in a reasonable spot because bumping to it by forehead or elses is annoying.. i changed the height of my hanged shelf at the end and it never happen again. Especially if you don't have the innate 'gps' to navigate around.

Teamwork makes dreamwork: I assure you that you don't want to do this alone.. why not share some ideas of what the fronting room should 'look' like, or what the communal place should,, this is honestly done to make everyone feel at ease living in it, as well as sharing the work. You CAN do this yourself but it feels overwhelming and could lead to a burn out.. anyway, it'll take a while to properly build a world, so don't feel bad if its still going to be on progress for months,, no worlds are made perfectly in one try. Incase if you want to remodel the world to a new one at future, just repeat the steps.

Hope this serves you as an insight, this has definitely work for me, and i am not 100% sure it could for you, though, you still learn a few things from here. If you feel like giving up or see this as too much work there is no shame,, and so, i wish you the best luck.

- j

[theres-an-impulstor-among-us]

Last Life session 3 out of context

transcript below the cut

*Impulse jumps off a wall and places water to stop damage, but as he turns to do the same to Grian, Grian hits the ground normally* Impulse: Oh. *Impulse splashes Grian with water anyway* Grian: Thanks.

...

Jimmy [scared tone]: He did a cough.

...

Scar: Could you imagine coming into a battle with some of these crystals? Think about it. Scott: I mean, I actually couldn't. Mainly because I have aphantasia so like when I shut my eyes, I can't picture anything.

...

Jimmy: We were just chattin' and chillin'. Grian: YOU JUST CHILLING ON THE CASTLE THAT'S ON FIRE!!!

...

Cleo: How are you not all dead yet? Mumbo: It IS a wonder.

...

Pearl: The CACTUS, Scott! Scott: What do we need it for?! Pearl: THE CACTUS!!!

...

Jimmy, to Impulse: He found me in the end in a wall and I had to run and he shot me.

...

Skizz: You see this, people? You see it? Tango, nodding: Mmhmm. Mmhmm. Skizz, laughing: You're nodding your head in the back.

...

Jimmy: That's like an only child move, that is.

...

Scott, with a bad posh English accent: And here we see the wild content creator doing their intro to the video. That is my attempt at a David Attenborough accent, which I definitely cannot do.

...

Scar: I think, um, I think some kind of hooligan came and tried to trash my house but they didn't find my valuable chest. Grian: Really? *Scar continues talking in the background as Grian zooms in on himself, playing a clip over the top of him breaking into Scar's house*

...

*Grian is taking damage due to the border and the other southlanders are frantically saying his name, worried he's going to die*

...

Scar: Oh, divert your eyes. Martyn, in third person front view: I would never press F5 twice.

...

Tango: I'm trying to figure out how to open my front door now.

...

Jimmy, to Scar: I will happily take my pants off right now and hand them over.

...

Scott: He does- Pearl: *giggles and runs away* Scott: PEARL!

...

Martyn, zooming in on Grian's face from a distance: Ey-up, you.

...

Scott: Arson is calling me.

...

*Martyn crouches into Mumbo's house and sneaks up to him, then giggles when Mumbo spots him*

...

*Bdubs, Etho, and Skizz sing "we're the BEST. around!"*

...

Mumbo: That seemed like it was going to descend into violence so I thought I'd go gather some quartz.

...

Lizzie: Cleo, please give them the table. Cleo: *drops her sword* Lizzie: That's a sword. Cleo: Oh that's my sword.

...

Martyn: Twenty'll give you plenty, that's what my mother's never said but let's pretend she does.

...

Skizz: You're not gonna do it. Tango: Skizz, I don't think he's gonna do that. Grian: I'm not gonna do that.

...

Scott: Etho! Etho: How's the wall going? Scott: Slowly!

...

Scar: I can't seem to get out. There is a big ginormous butt in my way.

...

Martyn: Man, don't you just love making dreams come true? Impulse: He's gonna love parenthood.

...

Mumbo: Is this what friendship feels like? Martyn: Nope, this is what being married feels like. *they laugh* Mumbo: Is that what just happened?

...

Etho, to Bdubs: Aww, my poor little fragile flower.

..

Martyn: I have many things, I do many things, I am many things.

...

Grian: We should defore- Don't do this in real life, people. *setting trees on fire* Don't- Don't- Honestly, this is the worst.

...

Ren: I have 15 blocks of lapis. Lizzie: That is a very questionable use of your time.

...

Mumbo: I feel like if someone prefaces something with "nothing to worry about", there's stuff to worry about.

...

Bdubs: And then your time on the surface, you blew up our front yard. *pause* Impulse [sheepish voice]: Yeaaah...

...

Martyn, seeing the horse hanging from its lead: What've you done? Impulse, giggling: Uh, nothin'. Martyn: WHAT've you done? Martyn: *sees pool of lava below horse* Martyn: OH MY GO-! WHAT'VE YOU DONE?!

...

*Etho stares at Lizzie, Ren, BigB, and Cleo in silence as they all stare back at him* BigB: Explain yourself. Etho: Oh I shouldn't be here, should I? Okay, I'm sorry, my bad.

...

Scar: Are you interested in some magic? Etho: Absolutely not.

...

Scar: Hold on hold on hold on we may have a major major issue! Martyn: Why? What's happened?! *pause* Scar: Nevermind, everything's fine.

...

*words come up on Lizzie's screen telling her she is the boogeyman* Lizzie: Oh, it's not me. Lizzie, narrating: But in fact, it WAS me.

...

*Scar is chased away by a screaming Grian* Scar: OOOOHHH I DON'T KNOW WHAT JUST HAPPENED!

...

Grian, on fire: The fire looks green! The fire is green!

...

Bdubs: I am the boogey! Etho, running away from Bdubs on soul sand with soul speed 3 boots: OH NO IT'S BDUBS NOOOOOOO!

...

BigB: Are you okay? Cleo: Are you okay? Lizzie: Yeah, you alright? Ren, crawling along the ground: I'm fine.

...

Martyn, frantically murdering chickens while Mumbo laughs at him: Oh! Alright! This is fine! I'm a professional; I do this every day! Please stand back! Professional at work! Professional at work!

...

Bdubs: What are you trying to get out of me? *pause* Etho [unconvincingly]: Nothin'.

...

Ren: The scum are incoming. Skizz: What're you calling me that for?!

...

Mumbo: Well, I kind of wasn't planning on taking his horse but now I have his horse and I guess this is what I live with.

...

Lizzie: I entrust the enchanting table to you. Cleo: Oh this is a bad idea.

...

*haunting music plays for several seconds as Etho creeps around the treetops above the fairy fort* Etho: Oh hey everybody! How's it going?

...

Jimmy: Oh he is- He is- Martyn: Oh. Oh jeez. Jimmy: He is burning a lot.

...

Scott, high pitched: WHAT DID I JUST WITNESS?! Lizzie: That's- That's what she gets for ruining my tra- *gasps* Oh my gosh, I nearly fell down there myself, oh my gosh.

...

Bdubs: YEAH, w're gonna fill it! We'll be an oreo lava sandwich!

...

Mumbo: -that it is impossible to find your way- I think I just found my way out.

...

Lizzie: I had to do it to 'em.

...

Grian, to Mumbo: You traded my shoes!

...

Cleo: Jimothy!

...

Grian: Are you spreading rumours, Etho? *pause* Etho: Yeah.

...

Lizzie: And you might be asking why why I'm not asking Cleo and BigB to help me. That is because Cleo scares me.

...

Grian: The sign clearly says no murder of any kind. Lizzie: *hangs her head*

...

Skizz: Bdubs, be a hero with me. My pants, your shirt. Bdubs: Your shirt, my pants! Ren: This is getting weird, man. This is getting real weird.

...

*Grian runs screaming very high pitched out of Scott and Pearl's house from the TNT trap Joel has laid*

...

Lizzie: I have absolutely no murderous intentions within me whatsoever.

...

Joel: *grumbling distinctly* Grian: *giggling* Joel: ARGH I'm SO angry! Grian: Creeper! CREEPER! Joel: *yelps and jumps away*

...

*Etho watches Bdubs doing work without him noticing; when Bdubs finally notices, he screeches*

...

Ren: I cannot tell you who it was. Lizzie: It was Etho, wasn't it? *pause* Cleo: *laughs*

...

Martyn: Don't say goodbye! Just leave!

...

Etho, about Lizzie: Is she using you, Ren? Oh, you gotta get outta that relationship, Ren. That's not a good relationship.

...

Grian, looking up at the dangling horse: Scar let us use the enchanting table free of charge... and this is what we do in return.

...

Lizzie: I've not made the best of choices so far in Last Life.