#i have been rewriting most stuff over the past year on my pc but never got around to posting the updated stories haha

[slepyicarus]

FIY to the folks that followed me cause of my obey me stories!

First of all hi to the new readers. Y'all came outta nowhere. I'm glad you folks like my first tried of writing since I got out of school.

I'm (finally) posting the rewrites of Icarus' Timeline this following month (aka this December) and starting to write out my stories to him as well as show how his timeline of obey me! devolped and unfolded and differs from the canon timeline.

That may mean, I'll post some world building of his timeline the next few days. Like some things like how in Icarus' timeline green eyes have a magical reason or how the stars are their own entity.

Now some of u readers may ask them self right about now why do I call his stories his timeline?

Simple. Cause I see every player as well as obey me oc stories as being in their own individual timeline. That's my interpretation of barbatos lines about being able to see all timelines and all that (excuse me not pulling up the exact lines it's night for me and I'm sleepy writing this). We all are the MC, but no timeline will be a perfect copy and paste as we all choose different answers and following our own ways of playing the games.

ANYways. Enjoy the next few days of my boy's timeline world building and maybe keep an eye on my old posts and Icarus masterlist for the changes. May not upload everyday but we'll see how it goes.

Lovely Timezone to you dear reader and well read eachother soon.

In sleepy but happy regards,

Slepy ✨

[kaizsche]

You are such an incredible writer, but you’re also an amazing gif maker! So, what’s your favourite gif set that you’ve made this year? Also, what is the fic that you’re most excited to write in the new year? Thanks for being such an incredible friend Kai 🥰

(literally me seeing your ask and am i copying q's answer to her own ask? the answer is yaaaaaaaaas.)

i don't really see myself as an AMAZING gif maker and an INCREDIBLE writer so to hear all these compliments from you is just straight up melting my goddamn heart vis. *teary-eyed emoji cos im in pc*

so to ask your... well... ask, i haven't been kind of productive this year, both in writing and editing stuff so i can't say i have a wide selection to choose from, but here's my ultimate fav gifset. like fr.

which predictably is a gifset from your fic which i've gotten so much interaction on and just having you message me about this was just... it honestly made me cry so yeah...

the freaking 'i know you have a lot of fic planned this year' just cracked me tf up. like... you and q know i go all ramble kai on anything resembling my fic ideas so you know what i already have in store next year...

first off, i am sooo excited to finally enter the spuffy writing fandom so there's that. i already have like 20+ spuffy wips in my docs rn but the most excited i am for next year are these two, i think: (and i'll be letting y'all take a lil peek of them)

sun and moon

“Who are you?” The Slayer demanded. Buffy could hear the restless fear simulating his heart and the cautious steps he took to back away from her. Smart Slayer. So he has honed his skills then? Knew she was different from the other vampires he dealt around the small town. Buffy grinned wickedly. It’ll be fun to dance with this one. “I kill your kind for sport, Slayer.” She let her words stew in the air, watched him put the pieces together—inch by agonizing inch.

spuffy dark fic (warning has possible incest!)

Joyce's heart stopped completely. Because standing at the door, a boy, her son she hadn't seen in years stood before her. Joyce had wanted to believe he changed—hair longer and tied at the back of his neck, still dressed in his boarding school's uniform but a few sizes bigger than she had first seen him—it was his eyes that gave him away.  It was cold and unfeeling. He regarded her as if she wasn't his mother, as if she was nothing to him at all. "Joyce."  "William—" She watched his gaze snap over her shoulder and at once, the piercing cold melted into warm fondness as did the trembling tension in his body. "Hello, cutie." "Will!"  Buffy barrelled past her, leaping in his arms and she wasn't afraid, she trusted him to catch her. William staggered a few feet back from the impact, wrapping one arm across her waist and the other held her bottom to prevent her from falling. "You're here. You're really here."  William held Joyce's gaze, a muscle in his jaw twitching as if to dare her to scold him—to remove him once more out of his Buffy's life.  "Never gonna happen, love. I'll be here forever. I promise."  Buffy sighed happily, enjoying the feel of his warmth, his hands on her. Joyce sighed in resignation, turning away from the challenge in his eyes.  "It's cold outside. Come in." At this, William grinned. "Thanks, mum."

last but not least, how could i forget tvd?

take my breath rewrite (kolena + klena) i mean how can i ever resist kolena theyre like my main otp. i go batshit crazy for them.

Elena gravitates towards the lake, stares at her reflection in the water. Hates her face and her blood more than she realizes. She loved her face and her body once upon a time. Now, all it ever does is haunt her every step and shadow surrounded by men who knew every crevice of her body. They knew her better than she ever did. (It is the face that launched a thousand year curse, damning the girls that carried it. Reduced to nothing but objects in a man’s eyes. Katherine was right. I am always right. She hears her taunting giggle and sees her twin’s knowing smirk. I told you so. Nothing could ever bring more joy to her evil doppelganger than proving that she was right.)

kolena roommates au (this was actually inspired by a spuffy fic i read LOL)

"Okay, 20 questions." "Go." "Who's your favorite?" "Favorite who?" Kol groaned. "Favorite Mikaelson sibling," and looked at her bashfully, like he was expecting her to… say his name? "Rebekah." He yelled out an indignant cry, "What a load of bollocks! You're telling me, after everything we've been through, I'm still—" "You are a favorite," She cut him off.  "Really?" He gaped at her, astonished.  "My least favorite." She bit hard on her tongue, seeing the sheer disappointment and anguish encroaching on his face. And somehow, his voice had gotten louder, belting out at a higher register than Mariah Carey. "I rank lower than even bloody Niklaus?!"

i do hope to be as productive as i was in 2022 when it comes to publishing fics cause i'll really wither and die if i don't manage to publish these four.

special fic mentions:

the song of wandering aengus

banish air from air

only, helen (tentative title)

and from your lips she drew the hallelujah

& special user mentions for just being there for me (listening, suggesting, reading) when i was going batshit crazy over my fic ideas. you're all wonderful ppl and i'm glad to have you in my life <3

@katherineholmes @qvnthesia @finnismyoriginalsin

thank you so much for this ask, vis <3 love ya 5ever

[gracefulweather]

hello ! it's been quite a long time since i last sent an ask 😅 sorry fam !

once i pull an eric pc it'll b over for me :") but i got my friend a maverick album and she pulled the sunric pc lmao ! i also got a nice collection of sunwoo photos from a friend and i ordered a sunric photo strip 😳😳😳

hyunjae 😅😅😅😅😅😅😅 stay away !!! jk i love him

UR SUNWOO FIC !!! IS SO GOOD !!!! IM OBSESSED WITH IT FR 😭😭😭 the way u write is so beautiful and how everything connects, it's so effortless and detailed ! i love it sm, seriously 🥺 the plot and the characterization is so amazing !! u did so well, truly one of the best fics i've ever read

hahahaha lovesick ..... . its a journey tbh, it always takes me a while to decide...so we'll see ! i've changed the plot so many times too lol but hopefully it'll stay interesting and i'll actually find the inspo to write it haha !

YES YES YES i was hoping for atz to release the kingdom ver. of the songs i'm so glad they did ! i wish all the groups would make official releases and hopefully tbz will give us that spicy monster cover 👀 AND THE ROCK VER. OF THE STEALER WE NEED IT !

i started watching 'our beloved summer' ! rn its like enemies to lovers to enemies and i like it !! PLS i thought we were promised goedam in like august :"( wait hyunjae's drama was cancelled??? i watched the first episode i thought it was fun :")

THE WAY THEY ALL GANGED UP ON ERIC LMAO IT WAS SO FUNNY

oohh i see ! i find that i am v uncreative in letting my mind wander :( and i rewrite and recycle the same plotlines a lot lol but it def helps for me to go out and like.. do stuff to get inspo ahaha 👀 omg the hj etl !!! i am excited

DRINK IT THE AUDIENCE WANTS DRINK IT ICE TEA ENTERTAINMENT ARE U LISTENING

yesss i feel like hoon's hair color has changed a lot recently ! but its so cute !! HYUNJAE >:( why does he looks so good all the time

what if !! we get hypnotized at the GDAs ?

WORLD. TOUR [!(#*#)! O H MAN .... i cannot do that, hopefully they come to somewhere near me 😭

hyunjae is literally unhinged lmao his sense of humor is amazing i love it

also we finally got the milsun live 🤩🤩🤩 the fucking part when sunwoo said he likes hotdogs at the movie theater and hyunjae was like those r for kids and sunwoo made those fucking faces PLEEEASE a comedic duo 😭😭😭 and also sunwoo going tf off abt loud chewers in movie theaters hahHa

today i saw sunwoo promising to do some sort of ab reveal and then i closed twitter i can feel my eye twitching as i type this rip my sanity

my exams ended and i surprisingly didn't fuck em up too much ☺☺☺ all i've been doing is working so far and dealing w my uh 😅 kinda rude boss lol anyway !

HOW IS 2022 SO CLOSE LIKE WHAT WHERE DID THE YEAR GO????

i hope u are thriving and doing well and resting !! what else have u been up to???

HII BESTIE HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 🎉🍾🎆✨ did you do anything fun? any resolutions? anything you're looking forward to this year?

oooh rooting for an eric pc for ur next pull hehe but that sounds like a nice collection of sunwoo!!! do you have like a shelf in ur room that's just for ur kpop stuff? HAHA i did the pc in clear phone case thing for a bit but then got a new phone case so put sangyeon back on my shelf :')

adklfjk ty for ur comments really 🥺🥺🥺 i spent most of the writing process hating it so i was pleasantly surprised to have it turn out well in the end!! wrote way too many versions of it too LMAO but ahHHH thank u for ur support 🥺💖

ohhh how much of ur smaus do you plan before you start posting? i've tried writing series a few times in the past but i always need to like.... get the whole thing done before posting otherwise it'd never get done 🤡 i hope u find ur inspo soooon ahh i'm excited for whatever u decide to do with lovesick!!

omg yes the tbz monster cover and now ROCK VERSION OF MAVERICK TOO!!! are they rlly never gonna release them tho 😭 but omg did you hear about how the person who arranged their upcoming ost is the one who arranged the reveal/checkmate mama 2020 stage and stealer rock ver??? is this who we go talk to... (ง'̀-'́)ง

ohhh is that the drama where exes have to film a documentary or something? i've seen it around and it looks like fic inspo 👀 is it good? but omg enemies to lovers to enemies LOL. ikr what happened to goedam :(( and i guess hyunjae's webdrama didn't do well enough to be continued? although.... it's supposedly.... the most popular thing on that youtube channel LMAOOO

i am also very uncreative omg sometimes i read other people's fics esp if it's a fantasy or magical realism kind of world or has a cool concept and i'm like.... how do you come up with this??? nothing wrong with cliches tho!! but yeahh going out and doing stuff deffs helps with inspo haha

oooh do you like hoon's long hair? kinda miss his black hair now LOL. hyunjae..... we don't speak of him 😶 WAIT GDA that's this weekend..... they're performing?? i've lost track of all the award shows already but hypnotized would be amazing (drink it... would be too... BIG SIGH 😔). i'm gonna rely on jacob and kevin to pull some strings and get them to canada for the world tour hehe

SUNWOO'S FACE AT THAT PART WAS SO FUNNY AKDFJKFL i laughed every time i saw it on my tl!! and yeah i also read about that ab reveal thing 😶 sangyeon once made that promise but never kept it... so maybeeeee you'll be safe 👀

oooh that's so good go get that 4.0!! i believe in u!! but ur rude boss :(( props to u for handling school and work and everything tho!! and ikr the year went by so fast... i saw a post that said '2021 is proof that time flies whether you had fun or not' HAHA think it's accurate 🤡 the holidays felt way too short tbh, i was stressing over this fic exchange and gifts the entire time so not much rest but that's ok!! LOL

[uncontrollablyme]

Today, I am okay.

I am writing this today before I get stitches removed from my face.  I know I am okay deep in my core, even if I am not actually okay.  I went for a normal skin check, thank you heritage and too much sun exposure, and then I heard Basal and the C word, and we are doing a biopsy right now.  I was stunned, but calm, knowing the "spot" wasn't normal for months and then fearing this moment.  A pinch, burn, sting, and then driving myself home with my left eye half covered with a bandage.  Then, just numb. Let me back up.

I have mentioned before on here and on different social media posts that this last 12 months has been one of the hardest years of my life.  Harder than living with a broken home as a little girl and having no idea that that hard wasn't normal.  Harder than defying my mother and moving out and into a relationship she didn't approve of.  More difficult than that same relationship failing and going through a two-plus year long divorce.  Harder than parenting alone and even more difficult than being abused for years and harder than recovering from the night I was raped.  More difficult than health issues and family drama, mental health crisis's and living on less money than could stretch to feed us, and all of the uncertainty of life on a normal day-to-day.  This last 12 months shook me, changed me, and showed me how all of that suddenly seemed to pale in comparison.

To say I am resilient is a fact.  I have survived things that should have killed me. But this last year, which contains the absolute hardest night of my life to date, also involves others, so some of it I have yet to open up about in an effort to protect them.  In time I will find a way to share but for now, you'll just have to believe me when I say that I felt my life impossible to face under this set of events. 

During all of the same time that my life was turning upside down, I was also faced with the wildly overwhelming idea of being on my own and what that meant for what really was the first time in my life.  I compounded the hardest time in my life with my fake sense and need to control, the need to make clear who I was in what felt like an early midlife crisis.  Good timing eh?

At the lowest point, when I struggled to get through the days I finally hit a place in my life where I could no longer get through alone.  I knew I needed help, the kind that my loving family and friends could not provide.  Not for lack of want to or effort, but simply because they are too close to be objective and also were supporting me no matter what.  (Sidenote, I am eternally for all of your support, y'all know who you are. Whether a passing conversation or those nearest and dearest on this journey, I appreciate you!)  I knew I needed the kind of help that only a professional could direct and finally, finally after all of the hard times and suffering of my life, some even beyond what I touched on above, I decided I was worth it. 

I was worth saving.  I knew I had more work to do and feeling familiar with rock-bottom meant I was tired of being a rock-bottom frequent flyer/visitor.  I knew I could overcome.  I knew that my audacious tenacity would eventually pull me through, that years to come I would put in the work and be better for it, all, again.  But now, this time, the cost to recover sooner, the desire to use my pain to launch me into this next phase of life was bigger than my concern over affording it.  My value was worth every penny I put into getting help, every penny.

After all what good can I do in this world if I allowed this kind of suffering to hold me down? Again, again. 

So, I made the decision to make an appointment with a therapist.  I had seen several before and I knew that there is always the risk of it not being a fit.  I have been to a therapist so bad that the urge to walk out mid-meeting was almost more than I could resist.  I have tried therapists who coddle, downplay, judge and underestimate.  They all gave me just what I needed to give up on relying on a professional for help, furthering my reluctance to ever need anyone for that matter.  They all gave me enough incentive to say, "it is too expensive anyway."  Or in other words, I am not worth it.  But this time I had faith that I would find someone who would not deter me from the real work that needed to be done. I knew my life needed savings and the cost became an after thought.  

Facts are, that I could say out loud in the most monotone way, what I survived.  I had stood in front of over one hundred people and told my story.  And yet, I still had not felt my way through the traumas of my life.  I disconnected feeling and emotion from the happenings of my life in an effort to numb, to survive.  And it had served a purpose at some points.  Unfortunately, it also became a habit.

But now, this night, this situation, was in the heart of my heart something I could no longer numb to. It was blaring in my face, "TRACY JEAN!!!!  You have work to do.  You cannot keep going this way.  You have to get better, learn better, DO BETTER! You cannot give what you do not have!"  And so I found my person to help.  Actually, within a few weeks, I found two.  I found my therapist and my life coach.  And when I say they helped me save my life, I mean it with all of the conviction I can.

My therapist, I came by through local word of mouth, my life coach, well I found him on Instagram funny enough.  Let me say here that in my weakest moments something told me there was more for me in this business of helping others.  So, I needed help but I also knew in order to become like my heroes, to fulfill my desires and passions for giving back, I needed to also learn from them.  It was a faint voice under the tormented days but it was there, none the less.  

Therapy is reparative and helps you heal the past in order to move forward, coaching is the acceptance of the past with the directive of massive forward momentum. Healing and recovery plus goals and direction.  In the overlap is the present and also the action.  I knew I had my team.  My family, my friends and this dynamic duo, completely unknown to each other were and are magnifying my worth and value, helping me, holding my pain in their hearts and encouraging my change.  This unearthing of who I am meant to be.  Besides Josephs mom, besides a broken girl, beyond all of the things that happened to me.

This recipe of humans enabling my ability to succeed. 

I started the work, realizing it is never really done, I became my own accountability partner.  Reading, immersing myself in everything I could to immerse my mind in the fuel that helped direct me, propel me, drive me through the acknowledgment, the facing, the overcoming and into the best me I have been yet. 

It wasn't pretty on a lot of days, in fact, sometimes the monumental tasks kept me in bed, or shut down, or with a feeling of being a spinning top with more questions than answers.  But then other days would bring a breakthrough and I found myself a step ahead of my pain, shoulder to shoulder with all of my experiences rather than them strapping me down as they had previously.  I was working through it.  I was getting up and pushing into all of the dark corners and connecting the dots where there was once only blank space.  This puzzle of all of what makes me, me, was taking shape.  There was no loud bang, no poof, and a cure.  It was in the constant and consistent connection to myself, mediations, journaling, reading, showing up for my appointments and myself.  The day-to-day, one foot in front of the other, one breath at a time AND the grace in which I faced my failures.  My grace allows me to be human, to know it is okay to not have it all together, all the time.  It gifts me with the softness I need to recover and heal. 

Grace.

Throughout these past few months, I have come so far.  My therapist helped me give me back my worth, my validation of events, my heart connected to soul and life.  She helped me give myself back all of the grace I so easily handed out to others, she helped me forgive myself years after letting others off the hook so easily.  My coach, man he exploded my brain so many times and still does.  He helped me undo past damage but sent me forward with new perspectives that have helped me change my life.  He guided me to my own truths and answers without judgment.  He allowed me to shout my truths at the top of my lungs and then say "job well done!"  Together they have empowered me to rewrite my story.  My way.  I cannot change this life up to now but I absolutely can grasp this life by the balls, or boobs to be equally un-PC, and make it mine with audacious resiliency.

Shew all good stuff and liberating, overcoming, strength, resiliency-based brain power!  And then my body went, "Oh hey brain, good job!  Well done, I am so proud of you... but uh we need some love now too."

I realized to the detriment of my health I had neglected really taking care of me.  Not on purpose, not in a malicious way.  But in the simple disregard in making an appointment a year earlier when I first noticed the spot on my face as an example.

I am writing this now, before I know the results because I truly, unwaveringly know and believe that I am okay.  Better than that I am chock full of this life and even if there is another obstacle to face because they are bound to come, I trust myself and feel secure in my ability to get through.  I can face things with all of the strength that has its basin and foundation in the depths of my pains... which is deep Y'all!  I have work to do.

As always, I am not reaching out, also read as spilling my guts, for anything in return.  My only hope is to reach those who need the encouragement today.  To possibly fall into the inbox or be read on a post by someone I can help.  This is not about comparison, just my story.  My story being spoken loud enough so that those it can reach hear it with a compassionate hug of "me too".  Life is tough, but you are worth it.

    UPDATE!

My head is still spinning, the results were not good, BUT I AM STILL OKAY!  I have been diagnosed with Basal Cell Carcinoma, but before your head starts to spin too, it is the best kind of skin cancer to have.  It is very common, slow moving, and once removed it should be gone from my body completely.  The reality of it's outcome, it being super common, it being curable and figure-out-able does bring a little relief.

Am I scared? Of course.  

Has it fully sank in? Not really.  And I am sure there will be emotionally charged moments, questions, and the fogginess I felt as the words from my doctor settled over me.  I will be sure to continue to share and spill my guts here about it all in the future.  

Do I know I will be okay and still mean everything I wrote yesterday? ABSOLUTELY.

I have cancer, I am going to face it with every ounce of strength and resiliency that has grown from within me through all of my experience up to this point.

I am a warrior.  Today, I am okay.

PSA - Stop using your skin as payment to worship the sun.  I spent half of my teens with sun-in and baby oil during my summers and my twenties in a tanning bed.  I love the feeling I get from enjoying the sun and being tan... but if I have to look like Casper to keep doing this life, so be it.  SUNSCREEN is your friend!  Use it!

XO

T