#i have not been in a movie theater in 4 years. almost exactly. 4 years. it's happening.

[imwritesometimes]

only like 27 hours to go. dawn of the final day.

[hellfirenacht]

Wing Man Part 10

Fic Summary: Steve ‘the Hair’ Harrington is your best friend, and is constantly striking out. Sick of this, you two make a deal; you’ll wing man for each other. Hooking Steve up with dates is easy, but he finds himself struggling to find you a date. At least, until Dustin starts talking about his new cool friend Eddie.

Chapter Summary: It’s no longer Halloween, but the ghosts from yours and Eddie’s pasts are coming back to haunt you.

5.7 Words

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You had always heard the phrase “speak of the Devil and he shall appear”, but you didn’t think that line was supposed to be so literal.

You and Eddie starred in shock as your shared connection stood in front of the two of you, smiling at Eddie as if he were an old friend. If Chris noticed any animosity in your faces, it didn’t show. Either he was oblivious, or you and Eddie were good at hiding what you two were feeling right now. 

“I thought I saw you in the lobby earlier.” Chris said, walking over to the two of you, ruining your moment together. “I didn’t think you were one for the theater since you never did come and see the Spring play that I worked so hard on.”

Eddie looked weirded out by this, to say the least. 

“Sorry, I was busy trying to finish the campaign that you started.” Eddie said. “I didn’t exactly have time to go.” 

Well, you were really in the middle of this now. You shifted slightly closer to Eddie, looking over Chris. He was almost unrecognizable from his school photos and how you remembered him on that day. No longer the pale and scrawny kid with the constantly pissy face, Chris was actually smiling and it was honestly off-putting. He looked more tan than he had in school, but there was a faint orange tint to his skin that looked unnatural under the yellow lighting of the marquis. 

A fake tan. That’s what it had to be. Chris was sporting a fake tan for his role as Rocky. 

You should have been Riff Raff. Or not here at all. You thought to yourself. 

“Are you still mad that I left Hellfire?” Chris asked. “That was four years ago! Plus, I handed everything over to you, didn’t I? You got to finally be the Dungeon Master, and I got to find something I enjoyed. I think it’s a fair trade.” 

Eddie still didn’t seem impressed, but kept his mouth shut. Chris turned his attention to you. 

“I’ve seen you before.” he said. “You come here a lot, don’t you?”

You blinked in surprise. There’s no way you would have missed him if he came to this show a lot, right? 

“Yeah, how did you know?” you asked slowly. 

“I’ve been running tech for the show since March.” Chris had a smug look on his face that made your stomach churn. If he was working backstage, that would make sense why you hadn’t seen him before. “And I got to be Rocky for this run. What did you all think of the show?”

“The movie was fun.” Eddie offered, and you had the feeling that he was trying to decide if he should be honest or to let go of what happened four years ago. 

You, however, were more willing to be honest in the moment. “I’ve seen better performances.” you said bluntly. “The movie was fine, but I expected more for the Halloween showing. Half of the shadow cast was completely different than before and they didn’t seem to know their cues. Also, what happened to the Virgin Sacrifice?”

Instead of being off-put, Chris just laughed and shrugged. “There’s been some recent changes to the theater management.” he explained. “It caused a bit of a commotion and there were some disagreements. Unfortunately, things like this happen in live theater. A lot of the cast bailed on the show at the last minute.”

That made sense, as much as it disappointed you. If there was an internal problem with the company running the show, it would end up bleeding out into the performance. You felt your annoyance calm down a little. It’s not like Chis was the one to run the show into the ground. 

“Well, It’s been nice seeing you again.” Eddie said, as his hand slipped into yours again, “We have to get going, it’s getting late.”

You gave Chris a half-hearted wave and a goodbye, but then Chris started talking again right as you two were turning around to leave.

“Just so you know, auditions will be opening for the shadow cast.” He said. “We’re skipping the next two months to get the show back on track. In case either of you are interested.”

You froze in place for a moment and Eddie noticed and dropped your hand. You turned around to look at Chris, wondering if he was being serious right now. 

“Auditions are never open. Even for the understudies.” you said. “I heard that you needed to know someone on the inside to even have a chance at auditioning.”

“Well, we know each other now, don’t we?” he asked with a smile that had too many teeth for your comfort. “I can get you an audition, if you’re really interested. I think you’d be great on stage.” Chris was looking at you up and down, as if considering you. “I can see you as a great Janet.”

“I’ve always wanted to audition.” you finally admitted. “I’ve been wanting to be a part of this show since I started coming here.”

Chris dug into his bag and pulled out a card for the theater, and scribbled down a date and time on the back. “This is when we’re holding auditions. It’s invite only.” he said. “I’ll put in a good word for you, if you’re serious.” 

You took the card, looking it over. Maybe you and Eddie had been a little hard on the guy. Chris was right, it had been a long time since he was in high school, and people change. You changed. It’d be pretty hypocritical of you to brush this off completely. Everyone here was an adult, right? And this was something you’d wanted for years now. Could you really just pass this up?

“I’ll be there.” you said, without thinking, and when Chris offered his hand, you reached out and shook it. “Thank you.” you added. 

Chris winked at you and said goodbye to Eddie and turned to leave, leaving you and your date alone outside the theater. By now, almost all of the movie-goers had left and the parking lot was nearly empty save for a few cars. 

“Holy shit.” you said, turning to Eddie when Chris was out of earshot. “I did not expect to run into him tonight. Or ever again.”

Eddie let out a small sharp breath that could have either been a laugh or a sigh. “I thought he just disappeared off the face of the earth when he graduated.” His eyes drifted to the card you held in your hand; the same hand that he had been holding on and off all night. “His hair grew out a lot.”

“Yeah, I think it’s even longer than yours now.” You agreed, tucking away the card into your own bag and turning to fully face him again now.

The mood between you two had shifted from what it had been before Chris interrupted the two of you. Whatever moment the two of you were about to have had passed, and as much as you wanted to kiss Eddie, it wasn’t the time. You didn’t want to force anything after the moment had been ruined. 

Dammit, Chris. Why couldn’t he have shown up before the movie started? Okay, maybe you were still able to feel pissed at the guy. 

“Come on, I’ll walk you to your car.” Eddie said, and this time you reached out for his hand instead. Chris might have cockblocked your first kiss with Eddie, but you weren’t going to let him completely ruin the night. You didn’t miss the slight squeeze of his hand as you led him towards your car. 

“I know I totally trashed the performance, but I did have a lot of fun with you tonight.” you told Eddie. “Other than him showing up, I really did like spending time with you.”

“Next date, it’s gonna be just us.” he said. “No chaperones and no Chris-es.”

“So, you want to go on another date with me?” you asked, thinking that maybe the moment wasn’t as ruined as you had thought. 

“I’ll call you this weekend.” Eddie promised. 

He leaned in, and you closed your eyes. Warm lips brushed against your cheek, and you tried not to feel too disappointed. It was still something, after all. The two of you hugged, and you breathed in the faint smell of cigarettes, leather, and popcorn. 

“Not if I call you first.” you said, finding that line was starting to be a small inside joke between the two of you. You hoped that there’d be a lot more shared jokes together in the future. 

You got in your car, and made your way home. Despite the small hiccup, you were starting to feel more confident about the future. Things were going well with Eddie, and you finally had the chance to do something you’d had your heart set on for years now. 

Moving forward wasn’t so bad. 

Eddie was torn on how tonight went. You had fun, and you said that you had fun with him. He had been ready to lean in and plant one on you to make this feel more official but then Chris just had to show up and ruin the night. As usual. 

It might not have been as bad if he hadn’t started talking about auditions and that was what made Eddie’s stomach twist. You had been mentioned enough times that this was something you had always wanted to do, and Eddie admired that a lot. He loved that you wanted to be on stage like that, and if you were in the cast he was sure that he’d show up for you, just as you had been showing up for Corroded Coffin. 

But Chris had been the one to make the offer to you with his new muscles and hair that was longer than Eddie’s. Eddie didn’t want to feel jealous, and most of him felt like the two of you had bonded enough over talking shit about the guy that there was no way you’d had an interest in him. 

So why did a smaller voice in the back of Eddie’s head feel like this was starting to crumble already? You had talked about changing and being different since you had been in school, and Chris looked different and had pointed out that he had graduated almost four years ago. 

“You aren’t at Hawkins High and these aren’t children.” you had said when he had been taking in the site of so many people who looked and dressed more like him.

You hadn’t meant anything by it, Eddie was sure of that. You didn’t seem like the type to put someone down for what they were or weren’t able to accomplish. That still didn’t change the fact that he was a 20 year old still in high school, while you and Chris were out in the real world working and living on your own. Presumably. Eddie didn’t know where Chris was living and didn’t care to. 

It was pretty late in the evening now, and he found himself wishing he could call Ronnie right now. Actually, he was starting to wish that he had talked to her earlier, had listened to her and taken her more seriously a few years ago. 

Three more stupid credits and I’m out. That’s what he’d told himself since September when he walked into school for his sixth year in high school. He could coast through most of his classes, and he just needed to push through until June. 

1986. That was going to be his year. He just needed to get through the rest of 1985 first. 

Just as Eddie was about to go and crash in his bed the phone rang. You were the only one who would be calling him this late, and the knot in his stomach only tightened. You hadn’t been judgemental to his face about his education (or lack there-of) but what if it did matter? 

He didn’t think you’d just up and drop him because Chris Morrison of all people showed up with his stupid long hair, offering you something that you wanted so badly. Right? Then again, Eddie hadn’t exactly been the best at communicating with you at all, and he had disappeared on you more than once without notice. Chris hadn’t hesitated with giving you a way to contact him.

Expecting the worst, Eddie tried to remain calm as he reached the kitchen.

“Hey.” Eddie said into the phone, “Get home safe?”

“Eddie?” 

That voice wasn’t yours. The last time Eddie heard that voice, Eddie had been covered in blood and soot in Police Chief Hopper’s office. Her voice had echoed so loud that Hopper had even flinched as she cursed him out for ruining a chance for both of them. 

“Paige?” Eddie asked in disbelief, as if he were talking to a ghost. 

For fuck’s sake, Eddie this isn’t something we can just reschedule I know this was your shot this was my shot I stuck my neck out for you I know I’m at the police station What did you do? No room for a little tarnish, huh? Don’t be an asshole I’ve been an asshole all along, I’m just the last person in Hawkins to accept it Fuck you. 

“I’ve tried calling you a few times but you weren’t home.” Paige said. 

“You could have left a message.” Eddie’s voice was colder than he meant it. First Chris, and now Paige. What sick prank was the universe playing on him today? 

“I figured you wouldn’t call back if I did.” Paige said, honestly. 

The clock in the kitchen read that it was late in Hawkins and not quite as late in California, assuming that is where Paige was. He wanted to hang up the phone, leave her on a dead end line, just as she had done to him almost two years ago. 

Don’t be an asshole. He told himself. What had happened between the two of them had been the perfect shit storm of events. Eddie had flown, reached out towards the sun, only to crash and burn. He had been reminded of what it really meant to have Munson attached to his name.

Eddie had been the one to fuck up, not Paige. 

“I probably wouldn’t have.” Eddie admitted. 

“Are you going to hang up on me now?” 

Eddie paused. “No.”

“Good.”

“You know it’s... really late.”

“I know. I probably should have called you in the morning but I thought it was worth a shot calling tonight. Besides, it’s not like you have school in the morning.” 

He didn’t, but that was only because he was planning on skipping tomorrow because he’d been out so late tonight. 

Eddie’s mind went through a rolodex of anything that Paige Warner would want to talk to him about after all this time. Was she wanting to finally know how he ended up in holding? Had her brother told her about how he was now Freak King Supreme in Hawkins? Shit, did he have an estranged child with her that he didn’t know about? They had always used protection but shit happens and who could blame her from hiding a kid from a guy who she had to bail out of jail and had no money- 

“I’m sorry.” Paige said. “For how things ended between the two of us. A lot happened after you called and I couldn’t bring myself to talk to you after.”

Eddie blinked and stared at the faded wallpaper of the kitchen, trying to make sense of the apology. She was apologizing? Why?

“I....” Eddie swallowed. “I think I should be the one apologizing here.”

“Oh, you definitely owe me an apology, too.” Despite her words, there was no bite behind it, no malice. “But I’m offering up my apology first as an olive branch.” 

How come ever since that night at the Palace Arcade, everything had started being so weird for Eddie? 

“What exactly are you apologizing for?” Eddie asked as he rubbed his face, the evening was starting to catch up to him now. 

“For blowing up at you at 4 am when you needed help.” Paige said. 

“It’s.. It’s fine. I deserved it.” Eddie leaned against the refrigerator and slid down. His gaze drifted up to the popcorn ceiling of the trailer’s kitchen, picking out constellations in the flaky white plaster. 

“Maybe, but I should have heard you out after I had cooled off.” Paige said. 

“So, you’re calling me in the middle of the night two years later just so we can talk about what happened?” Eddie asked. 

“Not completely. I’m calling because I want to give you a second chance.”

“Uhhh.....” Had Eddie heard that correctly? 

“A lot happened with WR Records after you bailed on the audition.” Paige continued. “I don’t want to go into details over the phone, but the short version is Corroded Coffin might have another shot.” 

Oh, it can get weirder. 

“Wait, what? Really?” Eddie sat up straight, gripping the phone with a grip so tight his knuckles were turning white. 

“I’m coming back to Hawkins for a few weeks. I’ll be landing in a few days, and I want to meet up with you to give you more information.” 

Corroded Coffin might have a second chance. Not just Eddie, but his band. When Paige had managed to get Eddie the original audition, she had said that only he would be the one to go to L.A. to play for all the suits in the business. They were only interested in Eddie, not Corroded Coffin. Eddie was real. 

“You mean, my whole band?” he clarified. “Not just me?” 

“Don’t get too excited.” Paige said firmly. “This isn’t nearly as nice of an opportunity as last time. But it is an opportunity. I want to meet up with you alone first to go over the details and explain what’s going on.” 

“Why just me?” 

“Because you’re the selling point, Eddie. You always were.” 

Real. I saw it that night at the Hideout. I saw it years ago at the stupid talent show. You get up there and whatever you play, it’s raw. It’s life or death. And people can feel it.

Had you felt it? Eddie thought back to the two times you had shown up to see him play, you’d looked up at him with an excitement that he’d only ever seen from the rest of his band. Eddie could count on his hands the number of people who he could say were fans of his. Paige had been the first to look at him like he was someone while he was on stage, but she wasn’t the last. 

“When do you land?” Eddie asked. 

“Early Saturday, but I’m spending time with my family for the next few days.” she said. “I’ll call you and let you know when we can meet up.”

“Yeah.. yeah alright. Sounds good.” 

Did it?

“Alright, I’ll talk to you later Eddie. Good night.” 

“Hey, Paige?”

“Yes?”

“...Thanks. For bailing me out back then. I don’t think they would have released me if you hadn’t.” 

“Just don’t do that again, ok?” Paige said. “And you can give me a proper apology when we meet up.” 

Eddie nodded, and then realized he was on the phone and she couldn’t see him. “Okay. I’ll be there.” he said. 

The dial tone wasn’t as aggressive as it had been that day in Hoppers office, and this time Eddie didn’t slam the phone down on the receiver. Instead he opened up the fridge, stared hard at the six pack of beer, closed the fridge without grabbing one, and went back to his room. He kicked off his shoes, and shrugged off his clothes, and fell face first onto his bed. 

Eddie tried to sleep. He tossed and turned for hours, replaying the events of the night over and over and over again like a bad movie. Seeing you, watching the movie, almost kissing you, Chris showing up, Paige showing up. How could so much happen in the span of less than three hours? 

Paige wanted to talk to him about Corroded Coffin. Eddie was the selling point. There was no way that WR Records was still interested in him, if they were she would have said so and not even brought up the rest of his band.

Shit, what would the rest of the band even say? Only Jeff had been around for the original demo recording that they had all done together. Dougie had left after that year, Ronnie passed her position off to Gareth. 

Face stuffed into his stained pillowcase, he started creating a list of unanswered questions. Why was Paige showing up now? Why was she reaching out to him? Why is she giving Corroded Coffin another shot? Why did Chris have to show up tonight? Could you be attracted to Chris now that he had long hair and wasn’t the scrawny asshole he was in high school? Why did Dustin suggest him to hook you up with? Why did you agree? Why did he care so much that you didn’t remember him? Why did Steve also keep showing up? Why didn’t he kiss you? Wait, did Paige still want to kiss him? Okay, that one at least had to be a no. 

Eddie gave up on sleep when his uncle came home, and heard the faint snoring coming from the pull out couch in the main room. 

With sleep no longer an option for him for the time being, Eddie dug out his notebooks and instead focused on the mountain of song lyrics and notes from over the past few years. With his guitar slung over his shoulder and unplugged, he would be able to work without disturbing Wayne’s sleep. 

Each silent chord and tab that Eddie played whispered through his bedroom. He mouthed along to the words on the pages, his voice occasionally slipping through the cracks as he figured out the rhythm of the lyrics. Playing guitar cleared his head, music always brought everything to the surface one way or another, even if he didn’t realize it. 

As he focused on a specific riff, his fingers and wrist moved over and over in a constant rhythm. Even when he messed up, he didn’t stop the movements of his fingers as they slid along the strings. It was easy, it was challenging, it was meditative. Eddie could finally focus. 

Paige Warner wanted to see him again to discuss Corroded Coffin. Paige was an ex. Sort of. It had been implied that they were going to make it official when he moved to California with her. They were even going to move in together, even if they would have separate rooms. Roommates who sleep together. 

Anyone with half a brain wouldn’t just up and admit that she was an ex girlfriend. Business or not, Eddie was going to have dinner with an ex. 

If he were still the same shitty 18 year old from two years ago, he wouldn’t have thought it was a big deal. Eddie would have had no problem going to see her, and it wouldn’t have even crossed his mind to tell you. But now, as a less shitty 20 year old, he couldn’t do that. You deserved to know who he was going to see if the two of you were going to go on another date. 

He was also going to have to come clean about a lot more than that if things became more serious. That was something that Eddie was dreading. If he told you about Paige, he’d have to tell you about their history together. Telling you that he and Paige had slept together was easy, but what about the rest? How could he explain that she bailed him out of jail after he’d been arrested because a cop was shot on his lawn after two drug mules had burned his house down because Munson and Junior had stolen five pounds of weed from a reefer truck?

Eddie had only told the whole story to one person, and that was Reefer Rick. He hadn’t even had the heart to tell Wayne everything that had happened that Spring out of shame for everything that he’d done. Even Ronnie had been kept in the dark about what happened. 

The sun slowly came up, and his guitar and notebooks were bathed in a warm golden light that contrasted the chill of the beginning of November. Eddie hung his guitar back up and gathered his notebooks, setting them aside for a later time. He laid back down on the bed, and closed his eyes. He decided that the next time the two of you talked, he would be honest about who Paige was and what their main history was. It wouldn’t do anyone any good to dump all of his family trauma on you at once when things were only just starting out. 

It was kind of funny. Eddie had never set out to be anyone's boyfriend. It had never been a priority with him. Even with Paige, he had definitely found her attractive but aside from seeking her out to ask for her help with getting signed, she had been the one to make any move for anything more to happen. He’d been fine with that at the time, but after spending time with you... 

This wouldn’t be easy, but he told himself he wasn’t going to run anymore. When he woke up, he’d call you and tell you exactly what was going on and who he was going to see. Anything about his police record could wait for now. 

With that thought in mind, Eddie was able to finally pass out. 

It was well into the afternoon when Eddie finally woke up again. He pushed through the grogginess and showered, dressed, and shoved a can of instant pasta into his mouth as he flipped through the limited channels on tv. 

About two hours went by before he remembered that you had today off. You’d mentioned that to him during one of your many long phone calls, and he about smacked himself in the head when he realized it. He’d been sitting around and waiting for you to get off work, and you hadn’t even gone in today. 

Eddie held the phone in his hand, his fingers hovering over the dial pad hesitantly before forcing himself to push the digits that would connect the two of you again. 

You answered on the third ring. 

“No Hellfire today?” you asked. 

“Not this time, everyone bailed out early for fall break.” Eddie said. “We did our Halloween special yesterday.”

“Tell me about it?” 

Eddie felt himself nearly melting into a pile of goo at the words. You always asked about his campaigns and his band, taking an interest in a way that no one ever had before. There was a lot that he had to tell you, but.. He could at least give you this before he gave you the real reason why he called. 

You listened as he told you about how the party went up against a pumpkin creature that had been attacking the town. It was a module he had made himself, and that he’d been working on for the past month between the main story of the campaign. You laughed and gasped at all the right moments, sealing the idea that Eddie was going to make a one-shot for you specifically to play. He couldn’t wait to help you make a character and add you to his table. 

Assuming you would even want anything to do with him after what he was about to tell you.

“Sounds like a Scooby Doo episode.” you said, as he finished his tale. 

“More like Goober and the Ghost Chasers.” Eddie smiled, taking his usual seat in front of the fridge. 

The two of you talked, and it was far too easy to get lost in all of the conversations that he had with you. Every time he told himself to suck it up and tell you who he was planning on seeing, you’d ask him something and the two of you would be off on another tangent. 

But then Eddie found his opening, and it was time to talk. 

“I’ll be at the Hideout again next week.” you said. “I’m really looking forward to hearing that song you keep hinting at. How many original songs are you hiding from me?” 

“We have almost seven by now, but no one wants to hear them.” Eddie lied, knowing full well there had been at least one person before who did. 

“I want to.” 

Two people. 

Fuck, he needed to tell you. 

“So... speaking of Corroded Coffin,” he said carefully. “We actually almost had a chance to audition for WR Records.”

“Hole shit.” you gasped into the phone. “What happened? I would have thought any record company would be tearing down the door to get you to sign with them. Or, oh, were they too mainstream? Did they want you to sell out? Change everything about you? Did you tell them to shove it, and that you wanted to make real music?” 

Eddie couldn’t help but snort into the phone, suppressing a laugh. “Nah, we uh... well we made a demo tape and sent it in, and they wanted us- me. They wanted me to audition.”

“Just you...?”

“Yeah.” Eddie picked at a loose fray in the tear in his jeans. “They didn’t really like Corroded Coffin, but they did like me. But I blew my chance, and never made it to the audition.”

“Shit, Eddie... that sucks.” you said sympathetically. “What happened?” 

Eddie was quiet for a moment as he tried to figure out how to explain to you what happened.

“Eddie?” you asked after he didn’t say anything. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to get into it.”

“I fucked up.” He finally admitted. “I did something stupid, and it stopped me from making it to California for the audition. That was two years ago. And last night I just got news that Corroded Coffin might be having another shot at something.”

“Wait really? That’s incredible that they still want to talk to you! And you said it was for the whole band this time? Not just you?”

“I don’t think it’s WR Records this time but a talent scout found me and is wanting to talk about Corroded Coffin?”

“There was a talent scout at the Hideout?”

“No.... my uh.. My ex.” 

The silence between the two of you was deafening. For a few seconds, the world went completely still, and silent. Eddie always hated silence. 

“Oh.” you said after a while, and Eddie could tell you were trying to process what he had just said. “So your ex wants to talk to you about your band?”

Your voice sounded neutral, almost too casual, and Eddie hated that too. “She- Paige- she was the one to give Corroded Coffin a chance. She paid for the demo herself, sent it to her boss, and got the audition slot for me. But I fucked up, ended up locked up for a few hours, and everything fell apart.”

Eddie wished that he could see your face, would you look at him with sympathy? Disgust? Would you suddenly look at him like everyone else in town? 

“That sounds like a lot.” You said. 

“Not gonna ask me what I was in for?” 

“Do you want to tell me?”

“...Not yet.”

“Are you on some sort of list?”

“No.”

“Did you kill someone?” 

“I don’t think I’d be let out if I did.”

“Good point. Alright. Then I’ll trust you that you’ll tell me when you’re ready.”

Trust. You trusted him. When was the last time he had anyones trust?

“Paige wants to give Corroded Coffin another chance.” Eddie said. “She wants me to meet up with her to give me details. I don’t know what she’s planning on offering but-”

“She bailed you out of jail and is offering you something you always wanted?” You asked, and he could hear something in your voice that sounded almost like defeat. “You should go. It’s clear that the two of you have a history that you two need to work though. And if she’s offering you and Corroded Coffin a chance, you have to take it, right?”

The way you said ‘right’ made him wonder if you were asking something more than just his current situation. 

Why was it that every time you two started to find your footing together, things slipped up? How could things constantly be so weird with you when this should have felt easy? What force in the universe out there kept dangling good things in front of Eddie just to take them away as a cruel joke? 

“Right.” Eddie said, sounding just about as sure as he felt about this. He didn’t even know what this was. 

“Look, I don’t know what happened between you two, but it sounds like it’s complicated and you two need to talk about it.” you said. “Just let me know what’s going on after, okay?” 

Eddie knew what you really meant. Let me know if this is going anywhere or if you’re going to get back with your ex.

That was a thought he didn’t even want to entertain. It already seemed to be impossible that Paige wanted to talk to him again, let alone date again. 

“I will.” He would. “I’ll let you know when we’re meeting up and what she says.” 

“I have my audition next Saturday.” you added. “And Robin and Steve and I are going to have a movie night later this week to hang out. But, I’ll still be at the Hideout if you all are still playing and not signed by then.”

You were joking with him, and he took that as a sign that maybe he didn’t completely fuck up.

“We’ll be there.” Eddie said. “I guess I’ll see you Tuesday then.”

“See you Tuesday, Eddie.” 

With the phone hook back on the receiver, Eddie took a deep breath. 

Just when things are starting to get good, huh?

a/n:

Dividers By: @strangergraphics

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[threshie]

I "graduated" from physical therapy today after months of attending it. Whoohoo!

Also, I just got my blood test results back, and I'm no longer anemic (for the first time in my adult life.) Whoohooooo!

Actually, let's just do a gratitude dump, because there's a lot:

The surgery scar has faded a lot, and it hasn't even been a year (I ♥ you, cocoa butter!) My daily exercise routine I started on the 1st has resulted in visible muscle definition starting to show on my arms. I got an email back from the apartment I want to move to, and the income level they want is almost exactly the income level I have. I finally got around to trimming my hair this morning, and it looks nice now instead of overgrown. I found one of my favorite shirts in two other colors on clearance for $3 each, so now I have more comfy layering options. I went over the calories in my diet, and I'm eating the right amount (not over, which is what I expected.) I finally got to watch Warlords of Atlantis after years of it not being available streaming anywhere. The weather is sunny and mild, and I'm enjoying being barefoot and in short sleeves. I acquired three new house plants—one is a coffee plant, one has purple velvet fuzz on green leaves, and one has glittery red leaves that look like butterflies' wings. I got to go see Dune 2 in the movie theater. I planted seeds that will sprout soon. My indie author income is finally on the rise again after a tight winter season. I can now build my author mailing list thousands strong without having to pay monthly to do so. I have a plan in place so I can cover my taxes without extra fees. My latest (very smutty) published work that I wasn't confident in has gotten some positive ratings by readers, and is my second bestselling book this month. I finished the story for my favorite video game of recent years, Days Gone, after playing for ages without trying to finish it (and the ending was great!) I got to finally read the gorgeous artbook for said game since spoilers weren't a concern anymore. I confirmed with my doctor and blood tests that my hypoglycemia is not diabetes-related (and is a literal medical need for snacks.) I officially handed off the reins of the Discord server I started 4 years ago, and left it in the hands of some awesome people. I'm finally getting some good nights of sleep after having trouble with insomnia for awhile. I finally learned how to moisturize my face and my skin has been doing great ever since. I get to write a smutty gay novella about the Jersey Devil and get paid for it.

[astoundingbeyondbelief]

Kaiju Week in Review (January 8-14, 2023)

"Somehow, heartbreak feels good in a place like this." One of my favorite sayings.

There's nothing like a kaiju movie in theaters. Shin Ultraman was almost as fun dubbed as it was subbed (and a smidge easier to follow). I don't know if I'll ever get used to anime voice actors doing live-action kaiju movies, but this was a good group, especially Emily Frongillo as Funaberi and Kellen Goff as Zarab.

Two big pieces of Shin Ultraman news accompanied its U.S./UK theatrical release this week. Cleopatra Entertainment licensed it for an American VOD/home video release; the wording in the press release is a bit confusing, so while the VOD will at least be happening in the spring, I'm not sure about the more important stuff. The Japanese home video releases are due April 12, so don't expect anything before then. Also, Ultraman Connection added the first episode of Shin Ultra Fight, with more to come. The first three episodes are just narrated clips from the movie, but after that, it gets weird. You need a (free) account to view Connection videos.

IDW put out two Godzilla comics this Wednesday—Godzilla Rivals: Rodan vs. Ebirah and Godzilla: Monsters & Protectors - All Hail the King! #4. I don't have much to say about the All Hail the King issue, which is mostly just setting up the big fight in the finale, but Rodan vs. Ebirah was a total delight. Taking the focus off Godzilla and letting some other kaiju shine was the right move, and this is exactly the sort of craziness all of these comics, with their access to nearly the entire Toho sandbox, should be striving for. It also has the distinction of featuring the first nonbinary character in a Godzilla story! At one point they divert a rampaging Biollante with song (all nonbinary people can do this).

After decades of obscurity, Space Monster Wangmagwi is out on Blu-ray from SRS Cinema, and... its obscurity was pretty much warranted. AIP-TV probably could've made something watchable out of this back in the day, but it would have been an order taller than the titular monster. It's largely plotless, with some of the worst foley I've ever heard. The street kid who decides to fight Wangmagwi himself is fun, at least. Given its legendary reputation, I recommend seeing it just to satisfy your curiosity; I'm sure it'll be up on Tubi later this year.

It would be malpractice for me not to mention the reveal of Gigan's older and younger sisters in Godziban. Before you ask, yes, showrunner Hideyuki Kobayashi understands exactly what forces he's playing with. It's very funny watching Toho let him do literally whatever he wants. I'm not sure when they'll be showing up in the show. The announcement was just for their props being exhibited at screenings of the Godziban "movie" (the new episodes from the Blu-ray edited together).

[burntoasters]

Help Wanted 2 is so fucking good so far I am so fucking happy!!!!

(No spoilers I couldn’t do that to anyone)

This year has really been the year for FNAF and I am fucking loving it. Ruin was pretty good, I had lower expectations just because of everything around Security Breach when it first came out but honestly I think most people felt that way. I appreciated how much more linear it was especially since it it connects so much with HW2. Seeing the pizzaplex is such disarray really made me happy and I think it’s because it fits FNAF so much more. No other locations looked that clean, bright and happy except maybe 6, but even that location wasn’t as bright and neon.

Now the movie!?!

Don’t even get me started on the fucking movie. Much like the other long time fans, I waited almost an entire decade for that thing and I couldn’t be happier about how it came out. The animatronics looked amazing, the Jim Henson team are all wizards or something I can’t explain it. The restaurant looked fucking phenomenal down to all the little details. Josh and Matthew did an amazing job with their characters. Seeing Matpat was the biggest surprise and I literally almost screamed in the theater. (I was definitely the most annoying person in the theater and I don’t even fucking care) Everything about it was exactly what I had hoped for and more and it will be my comfort movie for a very long time.

We will not be discussing my sudden and overwhelming infatuation with Steve Raglan/William Afton I don’t know where it came from but my brain cannot get over him

No spoilers of Help Wanted 2 since it’s release day

Help Wanted 2 looks even better than the first one. The models are so perfect. There’s already parts that look genuinely terrifying and I love that. I feel like as the games have developed over the years they have lost some of the genuine terror. The first 2 games were great and actually scary and 4 has the best models, but I think the whole VR aspect makes it so much more scary. I’m so excited to find all the secrets and lore as a community just like all previous releases. The rest of my year will probably just be this game now

Thank you for coming to my Ted talk 🦊🐰🐻🐤

Back to the fan fictions💜

[widowkills]

💐 once you receive this lovely bouquet of flowers you have to mention five things you love, publicly, and send it to 10 of your favorite followers if you want. SPREAD POSITIVITY! ⛅️

Hope you’re having a lovely day 💛

1. MY DOG: he really is the best thing to have happened to me in the past few years…

… just percy passing through with all the best vibes for everyone 🤎

2. watching movies in the cinema: I love film as a medium in and of itself, but experiencing the story in a movie theater is just... something else entirely

3. matcha: pure matcha. matcha latte. matcha in desserts. give me all the matcha!!!

4. music: I’m not sure when it started, but music has increasingly become the way I access/release emotions that I’m not able articulate. a lot of artists and songs have come into my life by chance almost exactly when I needed them and I cherish that a lot. (I also looove making playlists for characters and ships, as well as exploring other people's playlists)

5. boxing: there’s just something oh-so-cathartic about it. it’s the one form of exercise that doesn't feel like punishment to me and makes me feel good about my body. working on unpacking all that but i'll be punching it out with the bags in the meantime!

☾ thanks for the flowers kayli <33 and for the much needed reminder that I have not been spending nearly enough time on some of these lol!

‧⁺˖⋆ wishing you the most wonderful day ahead ⋆˖⁺‧₊☽

[biolizardboils]

Underpanniversary mont September is almost over, so here’s one last headcanon dump for the road

General

The entire book series takes place in a single school year. The following is my vain attempt at cramming everything into that timeframe in a way that makes sense

The football game in Book 1 was the kickoff and happened in early August. The 4-to-6 weeks before the Ring arrived was really just 4 weeks, minimizing the Boys' slave labor and placing Captain's first day on duty in early September (not exactly the 1st but close enough)

Book 6 canonically happens during the cold and flu season (so late autumn), making it the halfway point of the school year and the series. (I just realized that it’s never shown snowing in modern-day Piqua? Maybe it only happened while the Boys were on winter break)

In Book 11, Krupp mentions there’s 7 weeks of school left. Summer break usually starts in mid-to-late May; subtracting 7 weeks from that places Book 11 in early-to-mid April

Book 12 happens in May. The Rid-O-Kid incident and sudden lack of gym teacher forced the school to close for damage control, then hold a half-day to do the yay-you’re-moving-up-a-grade stuff. (And yes, this means Captain Underpants Pizza Party didn’t happen and is merely a wistful fantasy 😔)

Also said school year is 1997-1998 (except for when I bring up any media that came out after that) because this is my post and I make the anachronisms

The Boys

Harold raises Sea Monkeys as snacks for his and George's pets

Speaking of their pets, they are NOT to be put in the same room together. George's are cats, Harold's are fish. Can I make it any more obvious

George had to stay home sick for a whole week once. when he finally came back to school, he walked in with this blasting on this boombox

George's fave computer game is Star Wars: Behind the Magic, Harold's is Insaniquarium (first the browser version, then Deluxe way later), and they both love Backyard Baseball

George's fave Disney film is A Goofy Movie. Harold didn’t have a favorite until middle school when Treasure Planet came out

The boys took Captain to see Hercules in theaters. He declared it the greatest movie of all time, so they bought it on VHS and played it in the treehouse whenever he asked. The boys kept it long after 4th grade and watched it whenever they missed him

They used to think boy bands were weird and girls were weird for liking them... until Heidi got into the Backstreet Boys. Harold caught The Fever from hearing her play their songs in the house, and George caught it from him. Their favorite song is Answer To Our Life

Harold would later joke that him catching The Fever should’ve been his wake-up call lol

The Old!Boys

In college they held a dorm party and made Jungle Juice in a (fully sanitized!!!) toilet so they could flush away the evidence after. And also just for laffs

Their kids go to Stubinville Elementary. It’s farther away and they have to take a bus, but it’s got generally better teachers than Jerome Horwitz. Go Stinkbugs

They wrote a letter to Krupp about what they did to him in 4th grade, but never sent it

Other

The Boys' parents didnt realize their families had blended together for years. It finally hit them when they asked Grandma and Grandpa to synchronize their visits. They were like "....Huh." and then went right back to setting the table

Other things both families do together: bills, carpooling, cooking, movie nights, fishing, picnics, holiday card photos at the mall

The Beards have a record player and a vinyl collection of every funk and R&B hit from 1968 to 1989. They always have one playing as background noise in the mornings and evenings. (The Hutchins like to play MTV instead)

Heidi goes to a preschool halfway across town. Robbie Hoskins (the little boy whose mom never believes him) goes there too

The Boys plan on being Heidi’s bodyguards when she starts kindergarten at Jerome Horwitz. No one’s gonna give her trouble, student or teacher, if they can help it

She can’t get in the Treehouse—not cus the Boys won’t let her, but cus she’s too small to safely climb the ladder 😔 Some day she'll get in there and eat all the hidden junk food, but not yet

I diagnose Melvin with EXTREME Gifted Kid Burnout post-canon lmao. He ends up going to the same community college as the Boys and they finally bury the hatchet there

Switching to paragraphs for this last one:

Long ago, when Krupp first started out as a principal, him and all the staff fell victim to an impossibly elaborate prank. He was excited to write his first detention slip and grilled the whole student body to find the culprit. 

After threatening to hold them hostage past the last bell, a dirty blonde boy in 2nd grade came up to him and claimed responsibility. Krupp locked him in the detention room and looked for his parents' number in the school directory, but couldn't find anything under his last name. 

Just then, he heard the kid make this noise. He stormed back to the detention room and opened it to yell at him... but the kid had vanished. The only sign he’d been there was his slip on the floor.

Krupp framed it in his office to preserve a milestone in his career, and vowed to crush that kid's spirit the next day.

But he never appeared at the school again.

[kylesvariouslistsandstuff]

Obituaries and panicking, everywhere... As expected and projected, Memorial Day box office was at an all-time low... What is going on? Are the movies bad? Is the younger generation not into theaters anymore? Too many other forms of entertainment competing with theaters? Is it this? Is it that?

Maybe the way box office is reported and deified above all else, oughta end. It's waaaaay overpowered the movies themselves, for sure.

I think it's simple... The movie theater experience costs too much and is often a big gamble. The chains are like malls, they could be clean or really gross, you could get an audience that you share a great communal experience with, or a completely disruptive one. $12+ per ticket, general admission, sky high snack prices... I think a lot of audiences, especially families and groups, are - in true fashion - saving for the few movies they want to see every calendar year. I know, because I've worked at a movie theater for almost 9 years at this point... I see it in action. Stats have shown over the last 10 or so years that this is the case with many Americans.

That's not to say 2024 has been a total wasteland overall, in terms of the domestic box office. DUNE: PART TWO did really, really good, as did GODZILLA X KONG and KUNG FU PANDA 4. But so far... The Top 10... It's largely recognizable IPs or movies based on well-known people, such as the Bob Marley biopic. Not exactly "original", per se. At #9, so far, is the movie CIVIL WAR, which was an original story. And below that, THE BEEKEEPER.

Last year's Top 10 was also no different. Barbie, Mario, Spider-Man, the Guardians of the Galaxy, J. Robert Oppenheimer, Ariel and friends, Willy Wonka, Ant-Man and pals, John Wick, and the astro-turfed movie about some real-life fraud whose name I won't mention. The highest-charting original of last year was ELEMENTAL, at #17.

But here's the thing... Original, original...

FURIOSA is out this weekend, and it's being *raved* about in most circles, that director George Miller has done it again and it's another excellent entry in the MAD MAX world. A wild big budget movie like few others. DUNE: PART TWO was similarly very well-received and was similarly the work of an auteur.

I like a healthy mix of both, and that there's a passion or drive behind both as well. There are "original" movies, or movies based on untried properties, that kinda just show up and do little for me. Like I wasn't all that big on, say, THREE THOUSAND YEARS OF LONGING, WISH, or SALTBURN. A movie like SMILE, I borderline hated. And there are big IP movies that really impressed me. I really dug both of the Denis Villeneuve DUNE movies, GODZILLA MINUS ONE, ACROSS THE SPIDER-VERSE, BARBIE, GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL. 3, PUSS IN BOOTS: THE LAST WISH, you get the idea? And vice-versa.

Some of this year's "flops", like THE FALL GUY, were pretty well-reviewed and seem to be growing with audiences - even if they won't make back their astronomical budgets within the first few months of their existence.

The theater world needs to up its game, studios need to be smarter with budgets (and also more experimental, at that), and box office needs to become less of an obsession. I mean, it's to a point where the movies are just nothing more than stats, numbers, etc. Box office is a fun race for me to watch - I've been fond of it for at least 20 years at this point, seeing numbers is satisfying, and it's fun to see where the zeitgeist is at and what audiences are flocking to at the given moment - and what the movie's future will eventually be. I like seeing cool stuff succeed and make back its budget, so more cool stuff like it happens. Also what movie is the one to see and thus part of the weekly conversation... But at the same time, the movies themselves matter more.

And it sucks to see them take a back seat, more so than ever before, to this kind of hyperbole... The kind that doesn't seem to read the room.

[culturalgeekgirl]

If I see one more post about Goncharov that criticizes another person’s take like “Did they watch a totally differnet movie” I am going to go insane Like, they probably literally did Do we not know the thing? about the reels? This is part of why Goncharov was lost media for so long. Yes there were a bunch of rival investors who all had claims, including maybe some mafia fronts sure, but that was honestly not that unusual at the time and that isn’t what caused The Problem. So: the copies of Goncharov that were held in private collections, or in storage in individual theaters, they all had the same first reel. But the second reels had huge variations, largely converging on similar third reels that still contained some major plot divergences. (This is a bit of a simplification, I’m saying “three reels” because it’s how the problem is usually discussed, but that’s not precisely accurate. Back in the 70s and 80s, films were shipped around in 6-8 mini reels, which projectionist would splice together into 1-3 big reels that they’d put in the tray to run in sequence on the projector. But since most of what we have today is the already-spliced together projection reels, that’s how it’s talked about. There’s a whole alternate school of thought that one of the major releases isn’t just a tighter edit, it’s MISSING an entire mini reel (4? 5? this is where I get lost tbh) I’m loosely remembering an explanation I saw on a film collector’s forum sometime in the early 2000s. I am not an authority on the number of mini reels/cans/whatever.) Anyway, various edits had been licensed out to different regional distributors, and nobody could tell who owned the rights to which version of the movie. There were a bunch of companies that knew they had the ability to distribute SOME version of Goncharov, but not, definitively, WHICH version. You’d assume these were regional edits for different markets with different rating and cultural standards, but multiple different versions of the film ended up circulating in every region. For years, none of these companies were willing to take the financial risk of releasing something if there was a chance another film company would be able to come forward and show proof that actually THEY owned the version with the apple scene at 35:02 or whatever. The Russian distro company was the first one to release a digitized version, as far as I know, I guess because the distributors were like “what are they even going to do to us?” and piracy wasn’t exactly taboo in the early Russian DVD market. With Scorsese involved you’d think the US one would have been easy to wrangle but iirc the studio that technically owned the rights had been in like three mergers so it took a while to sort things out by the time home video had become popular. Still that’s why you might have caught a TV edit in the late 80s? I had a friend that had a VHS version she’d taped off some channel that was full of commercials but still included all the swears and murders. That’s how I watched it for the first time - pan and scan baby! Side note: this is what the ending of Clue is riffing on: the fact that even in the US you could never be sure what ending of Goncharov you’d see when you went into the theater. Like almost every joke in Clue, I did not get this joke as a kid. afaik film preservationists are still looking for Matteo’s director’s cut, but I have no idea how they’d know it if they found it. I’d link to sources but all these forums are long dead and poorly cached, so you get my loose recollection instead.

[ultrahpfan5blog]

Ghosted - a dumb movie with a capital D

I'm a fan of both Evans and De Armas and you probably can't find two more naturally charming stars, but the trailer for this movie screamed mediocre streaming action romcom. And that's precisely what the movie is. If I had watched this movie in a theater and spent money on a ticket, I would have been annoyed, but since I saw this at home, with a streaming service that I already have, I watched this movie, chuckling at the absurdities and stupidities of the movie, while still having fun. This film is everything that the trailer laid it out to be. It is essentially a gender flipped Knight & Day, except with much dumber and incompetent characters. The film has definitely got some of the most incompetent mercenaries and CIA agents I have seen in movies recently. It is almost a spoof in a way. The most obvious reason to see the movie are the two stars. I will say that Chris Evans is miscast, even though he's clearly having some fun in the role. But he definitely does not look like the sad sack, needy guy, who girls dump, that the movie is trying to sell him to be. Not to mention, he's pretty competent at fighting bad guys. I would say, if you remove people killed by guns, he fights and defeats about the same amount of villains as De Armas does. So he doesn't exactly come across as this out of his depth civilian. And that's an issue with the way the character is written, not really with Evans who clearly enjoys himself. Clearly everyone has been trying to take advantage of Ana de Armas's breakout action role in NTTD, without really getting why that role was so loved. Its really fun to see her kick ass, but the reason her role in NTTD was so great is that she comes across as this sweet, naive, and inexperienced girl who ends up kicking a serious amount of ass. Its difficult to replicate that type of charm. While Ana de Armas looks a million bucks, is charming as hell, and kicks butt, the character is too underwritten to really make much of an impact. I'll say, both Evans and De Armas had better roles in The Gray Man last year. Even their chemistry, which is pleasant, was much stronger in Knives Out, where they weren't even romantically paired. There is some competent action. Adrien Brody hams it up as a french villain. And there is a genuinely amusing set of cameos by a few stars, including some of Evans' close MCU compatriots. As I mentioned before, as a streaming movie, it is fine enough to watch at home, as it doesn't run too long, at under two hours. Its objectively not a good movie, but I didn't hate it despite all the flaws. Its a 4-5/10 type movie.

[normalaboutmedia]

tagged by @howiehamlin smooch <3

what book are you currently reading? american psycho AND heartstopper volume 2, truly the two extremes

what’s your favorite movie you saw in theaters this year? glass onion!!!

what do you usually wear? t shirt (usually band tees or shirts from my favorite media), black cargo pants, belt chain, docs

how tall are you? 5’6

what’s your Star Sign? do you share a birthday with a celebrity or a historical event? taurus!!! no celebrities that i know of but when i went to see Glass Onion i happened to be wearing a taurus necklace almost EXACTLY like whiskey’s in the movie

i’m so hungry o you go by your name or nickname? nickname always. my full name is forbidden

did you grow up to become what you wanted to be when you were a child? when i was a kid i wanted to be an architect even though i had no idea what they actually did. so no i did not fulfill that dream thank god

are you in a relationship? if not who is your crush if you have one? i am single, and i’ll never tell ;)

what’s something you’re good at vs something you’re bad at? i’m good at cooking and singing, i’m bad at remembering things and most video games (but i play anyway)

dogs or cats? both!! i used to be more of a dog person but now i have a cat (his name is Charlie) and i’ve been convinced

If you draw/write, or create in any way, what’s your favorite picture/favorite line/favorite etc. from something you created this year? probably this piece i did of abner krill for a suicide squad gift exchange! i’ll post it on its own at some point too <3

what’s something you would like to create content for? the sopranos!!! but i wanna wait til i’m done watching it, i’m on season 4 right now

what’s something you’re currently obsessed with? drawing spongebob characters (i’ll show an example hehe)

What’s something you were excited about that turned out to be disappointing this year? i was supposed to go on a ghost tour in san francisco but my family cancelled it :/

what’s a hidden talent of yours? i can do some tosses with a flag and rifle cause i did winterguard in high school! i have other talents too but i’m very obnoxious about them

are you religious? nah

whats something you wish to have at this moment? an arepa from this venezuelan place by my house i’m so hungry

thank u for tagging me!! i’m tagging @mcwexlerscigarette @odekirk @aminta @charlie-hustle

[anamandabynes]

SHE'S A FUTURE STAR...HONEST

Los Angeles Times (article written February 7, 2002)

TV star Amanda Bynes can giggle at the memory of sitting for an interview when she was 12--although she didn't exactly sit. "I was so energetic," she admits, recalling the evening she spent mostly bounding around her backyard, dashing around the pool, shrieking at an oversized spider hanging in the garden and spinning under the stars in her denim playsuit, singing her own little song about beautiful gowns and diamonds. "Oh, it was like, calm down, child." Now almost 16, Amanda has indeed calmed down. Nickelodeon's exuberant, funny-faced little comedy star has grown into a self-assured young person who's quite warm and hospitable around the house--although maybe she'll gush a little over pictures of brother Tom and new sister-in-law Melissa's wedding. And as for her future, well, she'll be getting her driver's license soon, so she's pretty excited about that. The funny thing is that a lot of other people are excited about her future, too--for a much different reason. Her first feature film, Big Fat Liar, opens Friday and, although it stars Frankie Muniz and Paul Giamatti, it's the newcomer who has show business professionals dropping phrases like "a young Cameron Diaz or Goldie Hawn." Amanda has already signed a pilot deal to star in a situation comedy on the WB network and studio executives are poring over scripts for her all-but-certain big-screen projects to come. "The sky's the limit for her. The world is her oyster," said Jordan Levin, the WB entertainment president who's developing the untitled sitcom about a teenager living in Manhattan with her older sister. "Amanda's funny, talented, poised. And she's cute." And he's hardly alone in his enthusiasm. Her movie colleagues predict audiences will love her because she hurls every ounce she has into her role and, as Giamatti says, she has a remarkable knack for timing her delivery for laughs. "I'd never worked with kids before, but I have to say she's very good," Giamatti said. "She brought a high level of improvisational comedy to her performance." How good is she? "Liar" director Shawn Levy suggests moviegoers closely watch the scene at the beginning of Act 2 in which Frankie and Amanda's characters first encounter the producer's receptionist. "Amanda doesn't have a line, but the whole scene is constructed around her reaction shots," he said. "She is so alive on screen and so effervescent as a presence, it's a gift to a director to have that to work with." Levy adds bluntly: "Within two years she's going to be carrying movies left and right. There is no comedian anywhere near that age range like Amanda Bynes. She is an absolute original." It's a funny thing, too, that almost any kid in America who watches TV could have told him that long ago, because kids have watched Amanda grow up as she's tickled them by the millions. In fact, she's been honing her craft before live audiences for most of her life. Her father, Rick--as a longtime fan of stand-up comedy, he helped Amanda write jokes for her act at the Laugh Factory -- nurtured the future star. "When she was 4, I used to say I wish that Spielberg could come over and watch her," he said. Since that seemed unlikely, he shepherded Amanda and older sister Jillian to community theater. When Jillian had a starring turn in Wait Until Dark, Amanda was too young to perform, so she sat in the audience reciting her sister's lines. Amanda was 7 when she broke into show business as a spunky orphan in Annie at the Camarillo Youth Center. With mom Lynn shuttling her from school to rehearsal, she never stopped. Stage roles followed, and her first raves appeared when a reviewer for this newspaper called her "sensational" as Scout in To Kill a Mockingbird (at the Arts Council Center in Thousand Oaks) and "even more impressive" in the lead as Mary in The Secret Garden (at the Conejo Players Theater). When she was 9, Rick enrolled her in a stand-up comedy class in Hollywood. On graduation night at the Laugh Factory, she was spotted by former child actors Dan Schneider and Brian Robbins, who were scouting talent for Nickelodeon. Amanda was 10 when she debuted on All That, Nick's sketch-comedy series where she refined her physical comedy chops--again before live audiences. Her tour de force was "Ask Ashley" - a sweet advice columnist who worked herself into a rage over invariably inane requests for advice. On the contest series Figure It Out, she gamely splashed around in coatings of the show's signature green slime. Now Nick is running the third season of The Amanda Show, in which she gives herself over to wacky teen characters like the classroom mob moll Candy Tulips -- pleasing kids and, no doubt, many an older brother, too. And therein lies her promise. "I'd love to see her have a career like Goldie Hawn," said Schneider, "Liar" screenwriter and a creative force driving a lot of Nick's comedy programming. "Goldie has that rare ability to be cute, sweet, vulnerable, real, and make you really feel something special about a character." Schneider and others who work with her say that Amanda's on-camera warmth is a glow from her solid upbringing in a close-knit family. She lives with her parents and her dogs Tootsie and Betty in a roomy suburban ranch house north of Los Angeles. Jillian is away at college, but her grandmother, Anne Organ, lives next door. Her home life comes first. Homework is priority No. 1. Dad keeps a close eye on her moviegoing, steering her away from R-rated fare, "and even hard PG-13s; they're the same as R's," Rick Bynes said. He's there to help her shrug off bad press -- as when a supermarket tabloid last year reported leeringly that Amanda and Frankie were dating up a storm--when they were 14. Their chemistry on screen in "BFL" is certainly reminiscent of Judy Garland and Mickey Rooney's, and they've been appearing together socially, but Amanda insists they're just buddies. "When my friends who work in the business come over, they say, 'You live in another world, it's like so far away,'" she said. "But a big part of who I am is that I still am a normal kid in the same place where I was born." So, in many ways, she's as normal as her fans. A straight-A 10th-grader (English is her favorite subject), she loves to shop, watch a little TV -- she likes Friends, Felicity and The Gilmore Girls. She chats with pals online or on the phone. Of course, she has a career to manage too. So one evening recently she was relaxing at home, curled up on the sofa, reading Memoirs of a Geisha -- a novel Steven Spielberg has for a long time wanted to turn into a movie, she pointed out -- about Chiyo, a pretty little girl who grows up to become the beautiful Sayuri, who's enslaved by the passions of wealthy men. Amanda was still a bit hoarse after her first-ever press junket promoting the movie--which meant sitting for nearly 100 interviews. "I had to say, 'Stop. My voice is gone,'" she said, pulling her sleeves down over her fists and cuddling them under her chin. "I had to go drink some tea." In her cozy living room far from the bright lights, Amanda comes across as serious about life, insightful about her work, philosophical about her world to come. She dreams about college -- going to UC Berkeley, maybe, studying business -- but she realizes she may need to stay in Southern California near work. She dreams about getting married and having children. "I want to have the freedom to not work if I don't want to," she said. "To be with my kids if I want to." She evinces sharp instincts, deftly deconstructing the latest teen movies -- without identifying a role that she would have liked to play. "I see careers that I like, like Kirsten Dunst's, for instance," she said. "She did Bring It On, which was all cute and fun, and then she did Crazy/Beautiful, which showed a lot of truths about teenagers that have angst and sadness and trouble. So she isn't afraid of trying different things, becoming different people." Amid all the glowing praise, Bynes has had her share of career disappointments. While The Amanda Show pilot took off, another one she shot about a washed-up child star who has to go home to her small town and be a normal kid again didn't get picked up. "It didn't work," she shrugged. "I saw it." So she remains realistic about the process. "I try not to get too excited until something actually happens," she said, looking forward to her upcoming pilot at the WB. "I just figure if it happens, then that's wonderful and if not, then I just stay in school longer and wait for the next thing." And she's philosophical, too, when people ask why the child star didn't make any movies when she was still a child. "I'm the type of person who believes that everything happens for a reason, and at the time that it's supposed to," she said. "So now ... other ideas are coming up for other movies and everything is just happening really wonderfully." A few days later, Amanda reflected on "Geisha." The little girl in the book grew up and, in a fashion, lived happily ever after. She was crying when she read the closing lines, she said. "The message is wonderful," she said. "[Sayuri] ended up living her life the way she wanted to. It ended up being really nice for her, in her situation and her circumstances. It was a really wonderful, a moving story."

[falsebooles123]

Finding the First Gay Kiss - Diary of a Big Ole Gay 11.20.22 Part 1

I have reached some level of stability in the research department and have reached ONE HUNDRED AND NINE films in the list. this was done by combining a few different resources on the topic namely these three. these were not the only article on the subject but I have managed to create a pretty strong compendrium of pre-1970s queer films from The Kiss by Edword Muybridge, (or however you spell it), to Sunday Bloody Sunday in 1971. I chose SBS btw since it is the most clearest of queer kisses that shows up under initial research.

So Far I have found exactly one kiss that I find to be explicetly Gay and that is 1914's Zapatas Gang dir Urban Gad and of course staring the famous Die Asta Nielsen. You would think that that would be the end of this escapade but allow me to give you a piece of my current video essay on the topic.

"So we’re kinda at an impasse with this essay. Because I’m asking a question that arguably has a finite answer but will that answer be satisfying. On one hand I do want the answer to be obscure. For instance the early less praised works of a foriegn film actress who is now lost to obscurity because of the rise of the talkies and the way that censoring destroyed her appeal in the americas. But on the other hand it feels like a copout. 

The thing I love about studying queer history is seeing the fact that queer people have always existed. There's always been people like Josephine Baker and George Tooker, Cadmus, Leyendeker, Hirshfield, Ulrich, Kahlo, O’keefe, The Public Universal Friend and King James and England and Scotland. And What I love about writing this essay is that I get to uncover this. I get to dust off all this queer gay shit from the past and say hey Fucking Haes Code, hey fucking nazis you missed some shit. You can’t destroy everything. And if I stop now if I stop searching for these hints, these fragments, these pottery shards of sapphic writing then I’ve done a disservice. I haven’t explored this question enough. Because when I sat down and opened up the Tabula Rasu for this, the question was just a little tiny footnote, an incorrect footnote, something that had barely a mention in the compendiums on the subject. And I think we owe it to ourselves and to our ancestors to really write it all down find not just the first gay kiss but as many almost kisses, queer romances, love stories that we can find. Also for all you normies out there that are wah wah the length I will stop at Sunday Bloody Sunday but I am making you watch Kenneth Anger first. Speaking of long runtimes."

The Point of this essay isn't just to find out the answer to this question but where is all these queer stories. because if there is 70 fucking years of cinema and I can only find 4 examples when I first read into this then something has to be missing. And yeah it literally took me reading an entire academic paper on one mans queer cinema course from the 80s on JSTOR and scrounge around on countless other places to find these films and no they are not clandestine lost to the annels of history, (well kinda I mean most of Julien Eltinge films are lost to time), but they are obfuscated the answer are there but noone will tell you unless you ask. like the fucking fact THAT TENNESSEE WILLIAMS IS GAY! or James Dean or JFK or Sally Ride, or Frida Kahlo, or hundreds of other historical figures. Our history is constantly hidden from us and while its still there for us to find and rediscover we still have to do the work, unearth the queer history that while not lost in any real sense is unbeknownst to us. Its also differcult that unlike cinema which has a way of sticking around and being able to be found. ( I lot of the films I've watched so far have been on youtube), a lot of other queer intertainment during the 1910s was in theater and vauldeville, Julien Eltinge breakout role was in theater in 1911 and it wasn't until 1914 that she was cast in a movie. but even then the same yeah she was still absolutely a household name staring in several different newsreel about hollywood celebrities alongside contemporaries like MARY FUCKING PICKFORD. Die Asta was absolutely known in cinema circles and lived and reached absolute heights of talent and prestige, she ran german cinema for decades and only left berlin after the nazis took power. She fucking snubbed Hitler and got away with it.

These people existed this type of queerness wasn't hidden or at least it was a open secret. It wasn't a big surprise when in 1929 Dashell Hammett wrote explicetly gay characters into The Maltese Falcon, it wasn't a big secret when Greta Garbo went to her Sewing Circle, (garbo was a protege of Die Asta apparently), and I think plenty of people knew that Cary Grant and Rock Hudson weren't just roommates.

And So the search continues to save that history, to explore it, to show the word that the Haes Code will not wipe us out that we have a right to stand in our own history and our own culture. Onwards and Forwards.

I do need to run some errands my loves but I will be back soon with an update on two of the comedy shorts I say last night.

[epicstuckyficrecs]

Weekly Recap | March 29 - April 4 2021

This week, I started my Epic Stucky Fic Download of 2021 (I'm somewhere in 2015 at the moment, 2014 and before are done), which means I re-read some oldies... I hope you enjoy!

Complete

Heaven and Hell were words to me by this_wayward_life (Post-Endgame, PWP, BDSM | 3K | Explicit): Bucky usually prides himself in being a relatively observant person. He was back in Brooklyn when he and Steve were cramped together in that tiny one-bedroom apartment, he was during his time as the Asset, and he was during that strange period between his defection from Hydra and Steve finding him. So, he's more than a little surprised when Steve manages to keep a secret from him. So it comes as a bit of a shock when Bucky comes home one day after a mission for Steve to take his hands and whisper that he's got a surprise for him. (Part 3 of No grave can hold my body down)

💙 Diving In The Deep End by musette22/ @musette22​ (Evanstan RPF | 19K | Explicit): Scarlett raises a perfectly manicured eyebrow. “You’re telling me that you never once in your entire life, not even during theater school, locked lips with another guy?”

💙 you know I'd quench that thirst by napricot (Canon, Bucky/Steve/Peggy | 38K | Explicit): Steve Rogers is very much not a virgin. Not before the serum, and sure as hell not after it, when the serum ramps up his libido along with everything else. Too bad everyone thinks Captain America is a sexless historical symbol. Or: the tragicomic sexual odyssey of Steve Rogers, and how it begins, and then much later ends, with Bucky Barnes.

i got it bad for you by howdoyousleep/ @howdoyousleep3​ (Evanstan RPF, PWP, Daddy kink | 4K | Explicit): “Yeah? Older?” “Yeah yeah, just…I don’t know, the beard? This fucking hair? Just…I don’t know— older,” he manages to chuckle nervously, gasping into Chris’ mouth when their squirming leads their dicks into lining up beautifully. Seb aches, yearns, mouth watering as he mewls, both hands in Chris’ hair as he licks into Sebastian’s mouth. And then Chris pulls back, breathes hot on Sebastian’s cheek, his bottom lip, croons, “Like your Daddy?”

💙 The Wedding Planner(’s Assistant) by crinklefries/ @spacerenegades (Shrinkyclinks | 40K | Teen): Bucky Barnes is in a bit of a conundrum. For example, on the one hand, he’s the former extremely polished, brutally efficient, and impressively ruthless brainwashed weapon of mass murder for the secret Nazi arm of the United States government. On the other hand, he has an uncontrollable crush on the cute blond wedding planner who lives next door.

Accidental husbands... by darter_blue/ @darter-blue​ (Shrunkyclunks, Accidental Marriage | 2K | Mature): Or the one where Bucky finds himself accidentally married to a superhero. And he definitely isn't mad about it.

WIP

💙 and the river flows beneath your skin by Deisderium/ @deisderium​ (Boarding School AU, Soulmates | 9/? | 70K | Mature): In which Steve and Bucky are forced to room together their senior year at boarding school, and accidentally soul bond to each other even though they kind of hate each other. All they have to do to get out of it is not kiss each other for a year so the accidental bond will fade. How hard could it be?

Re-Read

💙 (760): I literally cut myself out of my pants. Waste. Of. Money. by relenafanel/ @relenafanel​ (Modern AU | 6K | Mature): Hey friend of Sam’s can I get an opinion on this outfit? Bucky texted, attaching the selfie taken in Sam’s bathroom mirror. He received an answer almost immediately. Bucky was almost expecting a lecture, or at least a concerned question about who had stolen Sam’s phone. He got neither. Or: Bucky strikes up a flirtation with a stranger over text message in the month leading up to Valentine's Day.

💙 Bucky Barnes and his Big Beefy Blonde by Kellyscams/ @thebestpersonherelovesbucky​ (Shrunkyclunks, PWP | 6K | Explicit): Bucky Barnes loves Big, Beefy, Blondes. What he loves most about Big, Beefy, Blondes is having no string attached sex with them. Until he meets a Big, Beefy, Blonde that just happens to be Steve Rogers -- Captain America who's only been declared alive a few months ago. This is one that could go down as Bucky's fuck of a lifetime. That's if he can avoid these pesky feelings that start showing up out of nowhere.

💙 Bucky Barnes and his Big Beefy Blonde Part 2 by Kellyscams/ @thebestpersonherelovesbucky​ (Shrunkyclunks, Strangers to Lovers | 16K | Explicit): Bucky Barnes once spent eight glorious, sex-filled days with the Big, Beefy, Blonde fuck of a lifetime -- the recently defrosted Steve "Captain America" Rogers. Three months later, things aren't exactly the way Bucky imagined they'd be. This Big, Beefy, Blonde, really may have changed him forever.

💙 Series: You Make Me Feel Like I Am Home Again by Taste_is_Sweet/ @taste-is-sweet​ (Canon, Post-Winter Soldier | 19 works | 127K | Teen): Connected stories about Bucky and Steve: the world's most adorable relics.

if ye be worthy by hitlikehammers (Post-AOU | 2K | Teen): “Do you know what that is?” Bruce asks, voice low, but that’s not really new, for him. “It’s Thor’s hammer-thingy,” Bucky shrugs. “Look, man, I know it was shitty to give it a swing without him knowing, I’m sor—” “You swung it?”

💙 For Words to Say it Right by Squeaky, Taste_is_Sweet/ @taste-is-sweet​ (Modern AU, Soulmates | 25K | Teen): Turns out when you're missing an arm, everyone asks are you okay? all the damn time. And when your soulmark is one of the most common questions in English, it's even worse. Generic soulmarks are a bitch.

💙 Just Hold Me by shanology/ @shanology (Post-Winter Soldier | 10K | Explicit): Bucky Barnes is living in Avengers Tower, and all he wants in the world is to be cuddled. He sets out to get his new friends to give him the snuggling he needs, because it's not something he can ask of Steve yet. Steve doesn't see it in quite the same way. Also, there are Avengers movie nights, possibly with a showing of The Covenant. Just saying.

💙 Imprint by hetrez (Post-Avengers | 7K | General): "The next day, Steve and the other Avengers are just settling into a meeting on the flight deck when there's a muffled yell, and Alvarez falls out of the ceiling." -- Or, Steve builds a training program, a team, and new life for himself. (Part 1 of Make Way For Ducklings)

💙 Awakenings by hetrez (Canon divergent - Winter Soldier | 19K | Explicit): Bucky says, "Do you know, after you leave -- every time you leave, after the doctors have taken my mask off, I walk around this place and try to find everywhere you've been. Was your hand on the toaster? Did you lean against the doorway? Where were you on the couch? I haven't seen your face in seventy-five years, not really." (Part 2 of Make Way For Ducklings)

[bangtangalicious]

the glow up | kth (2)

pairing: taehyung x reader

summary: after going off to college, you & your best friend committed to working out. a year later, the results show, and you cant wait for your hot hometown friends to see you. now all you wanna do is wild out and have lots of sex, and enjoy it without feeling insecure

genre: smut, fluff, childhoodfriends!au weightloss!au (is that a thing) friends-to-lovers!au

word count: 2.1k

warnings: carrrrr sexxxx, public sex, dry-ish humping, exhibitionist, horny!reader, praise kink, taehyung calls you princess, softdom!taehyung, slightly awkward, unprotected sex, creampie, daddy kink for like 2 seconds, light spanking, body image issues, taehyung DRIVING with ONE HAND fffff

part 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7                                              masterlist

The events from Jimin’s party still weighed on you. After Taehyung had left you couldn’t look Jimin in the eye. This is not what you wanted. You just wanted to have fun. You did love Jimin, but Taehyung was right. What Jimin had said…the way he had derogated you all because you willingly had sex with someone you wanted to have sex with...was not okay. 

Before you had been to overwhelmed to recall how exactly the whole thing started. But after sleeping on it, you found yourself back in the car, wind flowing through your hair.

“So” You said nervously, “What’s new? Any new girlfriends?”

Taehyung grinned, “Nah. What about you? Any princes for our little princess?”

You licked your lips, looking at how delectable his long neck was, how much  you just wanted to wrap your arms around it.

“Ah…no. I actually…I wanna start hooking up with people”

“Oh?” Taehyung raised his eyebrows but kept his eyes on the road.

“I’ve had sex before…but it really sucked. I was just worried about crushing him, or if he thought I was…well…I don’t look like a porn star so. I just…wanna enjoy it, you know?”

Taehyung nodded. “Of course, you should enjoy it. Whoever you’re with should make you feel amazing. And stop worrying so much, people don’t care nearly as much as you think they do”

“I guess I just…” You turned to look at the world passing you by, “Don’t know where to start. I don’t know what I like” You had no idea why you were telling Taehyung this. His hand gently massaged the nape of your neck as the other one steadied the steering wheel.

“That’s valid. Just pick a fantasy and start exploring. What do you think about when you masturbate?”

You were grateful at how chill Taehyung was being about having this conversation with you. You realized you really took him for granted at times. He had always been really nice to you, and you really enjoyed his company. You never felt like you had to…try that hard around him. But you knew that was because you didn’t have a shot with someone like Taehyung. Not even now. He was one of the hottest guys from your hometown no question. You assumed he had two or three fuckbuddies in his back pocket at all times.

Taehyung was also openly bisexual. And that made you feel at ease in a way. It was as though because you knew about his sexuality you felt more comfortable to talk about your own.

“Well…” Your face was red, but Taehyung couldn’t see that luckily. “I wanna ride someone’s cock.”

Taehyung bit back a smirk, nodding in understanding. “And?”

“And…I want it to be risky. Like…in a movie theater…or a parking lot…somewhere I could get caught.” You inhaled sharply, thoughts putting you on edge. You rubbed your thighs together feeling the damp squelch of your arousal. You hoped Taehyung hadn’t noticed.

“Ooh. That sounds fun” He glanced your way quickly, noting your blushed state.

“Taehyung” You exhaled, gripping onto the car door tightly, spreading your legs so that the rough wind could ease your yearning a little bit.

“What’s up?”

“I…I…” What the heck were you supposed to say? How did guys initiate things anyway? You couldn’t exactly kiss him while he was driving. “Can I suck your dick?”

Taehyung almost jumped at your query, car jolting slightly before he recovered. He inhaled sharply. “Yeah, um…right now?”

“If that’s okay”

“Yeah…no yeah…um” He glanced down at his lap then back up at the road. “I don’t really know how to do this if I’m being honest y/n.”

“Uh…don’t worry I got it” You reached over to unzip his pants. Taehyung raised himself up just enough for you to tug them down to his knees, giving you access to his cock. It was big. You shivered in anticipation. You stroked him slowly, getting him to harden. You could hear his breathing get shaky. “Does that feel good?”

“fuck y/n of course it does” You couldn’t see his eyes because of his sunglasses but the way his jaw was clenched gave you evidence supporting his words. You look around. There’s a decent number of cars on the highway, but no one directly next to you guys. You decide it’s safe and crouch down into the vehicle, leaning over the console so your tongue could kitten lick his throbbing tip. Your chest pressed against his hand which was clenching the gear shift as you bent over. It was not comfortable.

You licked your lips and covered his tip, sucking slightly as your tongue flicked the opening. Taehyung groaned, pressing his foot down slightly causing the car to speed up.

“Tae”

“Yeah?”

“This isn’t comfortable”

He glanced down at you quickly and smiled, “Doesn’t look it.”

“Can I sit in your lap?”

Taehyung coughed. He glanced your way again, lowering his glasses to really look at your expression to see if you were kidding. You weren’t. “Go for it princess”

Careful not to block Taehyung’s line of sight, you somehow crawl into his lap so that you can straddle him. You make direct eye contact with the cars behind, whose driver’s look shocked and confused. This turns you on even more.

“I just want to make sure you know how illegal this is” Taehyung said.

“I don’t care” You exhaled, loving the way his raw cock head was pressed against your clit. You rolled your hips slowly. “Does that feel good Tae?”

Taehyung put one hand on your ass to help steady you and squeezed it affectionately. “Feels so good y/n. Shit. Is this really happening?” 

You couldn’t help but smile at the almost childlike excitement in his voice. You began to roll your hips faster, humping him like you were in heat. Arousal shot through your veins. The feeling was addictive, and you didn’t ever want it to stop. You grinded your hips faster and faster, his cock roughly gliding against your barely clothed core, at times pushing the fabric and directly pressing against your soaking folds. You were a moaning mess. You let out streams of curses as you rode him like you couldn’t believe. You tugged his hair roughly, ignoring his whines of pain.

“T…taehyung” You stammered, slowing down. You felt his hand smack your ass making you cry out in pleasure.

“Don’t you dare stop” His tone was gruff, and it sent shivers down your spine. “I want you to cum for me. Can you do that? Can you cream my cock princess?” He smacked you again. You picked up your pace, feeling the sweet friction guiding you closer to your high. You wished you could have his cock inside you, but you also did not want to get in a car crash.

“Want your cock Tae…” You screamed into the wind, “I wanna feel your cock inside me. So bad. God Tae…baby…fuck…I’m…” You squealed as your orgasm hit you like a truck. Taehyung could feel your wetness soak onto him through your swimsuit.

“That’s right princess…cum for me…you sound so sweet I could listen to you all day” He coos at you, lightly slapping your ass because that’s all he really could do without bringing you both near death. You wrap your arms around him and fall against his body.

“That was amazing” You exhaled.

Taehyung was still painfully hard.

“I’m gonna pull over” He announced. You nodded your head. “and then” He inhaled sharply “I’m gonna fuck the shit out of you”

And that’s exactly what he did. He got off the highway at the next exit. You had no idea where you were, but Taehyung found an abandoned parking lot at some hardware store. He parked as far away from the main street as he could. The second the car stopped, he brought his hands to your face and kissed you. Your eyes widened, not expecting that from him.

“Y/n…I…Wow” He chuckled, allowing his tongue to explore your mouth. “What did I do to deserve this? This is like, everything I’ve ever wanted”

“Let me help you now” You whispered seductively, grabbing his cock tightly and pushing the fabric aside to allow yourself to sink down onto his cock.

“Holy shit” Taehyung groaned, gripping your hips tightly as you bottomed out. His hands moved to latch under your knees and he lifted you effortlessly, cock buried in your cunt, out of the car, laying you back down on the head of the white convertible. His strength, the ease with which he could just manhandle you, it drove you crazy. You had never felt this good in your life. Taehyung practically tore your clothes off, not caring that they landed on the ground. He grunted as he rolled his hips, thrusting up into you at a perfect angle. “You’re so tight…so fucking tight princess. How have I waited this long for this…” He steadily piston his cock in and out of you.

“You love this don’t you?” He teased, “Spread out naked all for me. Anyone can come see how much you need my big cock”

“I love your cock Tae. I love it” You whined in agreement, wrapping your legs around him.

“Yeah I bet” He said gruffly “You’re so perfect for me princess, all wet…dripping all for me. You want daddy to cum inside you?”

You nodded dumbly, like you no longer could form words. Your brain had completely shut off, and all you could feel was sheer bliss from Taehyung thrusting into you perfectly.

“My perfect little princess. So good to me…so sweet riding daddy’s cock like that…mmm” He kissed your lips, then traveling down to your jaw, nipping at you harshly, then down to your tits, kissing every inch he possibly could.

“I can’t believe how good you feel” He groaned, “This is even better than in my dreams”

You took off his sunglasses so you could see his fucked out eyes. His pupils were completely dilated, and you could see the rampant pleasure on his gorgeous face. Sweat coated the roots of his pink hair. He clenched his eyes shut, savoring the way your pussy drank him up.

“Where can I cum y/n?”

You didn’t even hear him. You were too caught up in the amazing feeling.

“Y/n…quick…where can I cum? I can’t last much longer”

“I…I have an IUD…” You managed to mutter. Taehyung exhaled in relief.

“Good fucking girl. Ready for my cum hm? You want me to cum in you princess? Make you mine?”

“Yes…yes oh my GOD yes” Your eyes rolled back as you felt the hot liquid seep inside you. He cried out.

“my god princess, just like that, take my fucking cum” He sucked your tit harshly “I’m gonna fuck you up so good. You’re mine. My princess. My sweet sweet princess”

After he finished he quickly slipped out of you, then went to his trunk to grab a towel. You groaned at his absence, but he was back instantly wiping you up as you flinched with oversensitivity.

He took off his button down shirt and wrapped it around you as he picked up your clothes from the ground. You smiled at how tenderly he cared for you. He grabbed some water and handed it to you, taking another bottle for himself.

“Drink up” He tapped the bottle against yours and gulped the whole thing down. You watched the way his throat moved, feeling yourself heat up yet again. He put the bottles back in the car, then helped you into the back seat. He let you lay down comfortably, stroking your face as he lowered himself onto you, careful not to crush you beneath him. His smile reached his eyes and it made you feel elated. He left a soft kiss on your forehead. “I missed you so much y/n” Then another on your nose. “You have no idea” Another on each cheek, “how happy I am right now” another next to your mouth “because you’re back home”. Another at your jaw, pecking all over your face in the most loving way he could. “You’re so beautiful y/n…” He inhaled you deeply “fuck…am I dreaming?”

“No” You giggled.

He sighed, a goofy smile returning to his blissed out face. “Mmm we better get going…” He kissed you once more, lingering as long as he could, before helping you back into the passenger seat. “Did you have fun?”

You nodded. “Yeah…wow…that was”

“Yeah”

You dressed yourself quickly, giving Taehyung his shirt back. He stared at you a while longer, blinking almost as though he were in disbelief. You couldn’t blame him. It all happened so fast it seemed unreal. Before you knew it, you two were back on the road, only minutes from arriving at Jimin’s house.  

<-----previous                                                                                 next----->

A/N: WOO okay, there it is. dw dw...i promise jimin will get his chance to shine. 

[thanksjro]

Bayverse: Treating These Movies with More Dignity than They Deserve or Contain, Because I’m a Goddamned Professional - Part One

TRANSFORMERS (2007) - UNCOMFORTABLE SEXUAL TENSION BETWEEN TEENAGERS THAT I DIDN’T NEED TO SEE

So.

This is a little different than what I usually do.

Clearly.

God, how did we even get here?

Oh, I remember.

The date was September 17th, 2020, and I was in a stream with nine or ten other people watching the first Bayverse Transformers movie. Why we were watching it doesn’t particularly matter- sometimes you just gotta watch garbage so you can refresh your palate for the good stuff, I suppose. Also, a couple of folks wanted to make goo-goo eyes at Blackout’s rotors.

...It’s not my thing, but I’m glad they’ve got something to make the journey worth taking.

I made some sort of comment about only using my brain for this blog’s content, and someone (you know who you are :)) suggested that I take a proper look at the film. Being who I am, I immediately latched onto this idea, despite it being technically outside of what I write about.

And then I quintuple-downed, because winners don’t quit.

Good to know that my BA in Film Production wasn’t a complete waste of time.

Fun fact, I broke my television trying to watch Transformers for this. I think the universe was trying to stop me, by making me perform surgery on electronics, and also aggravating my carpal tunnel.

This movie came out when I was 13, and it was the first Transformers thing I saw after Cybertron. Yes, the anime one. No, not the one that’s objectively terrible.

Anyway.

How did I feel about Transformers when I saw it the first time? Well… it was okay. I liked the robots. I thought Mikaela was pretty, not that I knew what that meant back then. I watched it a few times, if only because my oldest younger brother kept renting it at Blockbuster. It was fun.

Now I’m older, and wiser, and know feminist theory, so my opinion is less “this exists” and more “blind, murderous rage”.

Our film opens up with some claptrap about the Cube™, a MacGuffin of ultimate power that allows the Transformers to create worlds in their image and populate them. Which means this is how they reproduce.

It always comes back to baby-making, doesn’t it?

The narration goes on about how the Cube™ is very powerful, and some folks wanted it for good, and others for evil. The criteria for being “good” and “evil” isn’t established, and I’m not exactly sure how one would define such a thing, when all the Cube™ does is create life, but, well, we’ve only just begun. Maybe we’ll get some answers later on.

Haha, I doubt it.

So, the Cube™ is the catalyst for our 4 million year war this continuity, and that sucker was lost in the shuffle a while back. This is a problem, because, again, the Cube™ is how the Transformers reproduce. Now everyone’s in a mad scramble to find the thing so their species doesn’t die out.

Three guesses as to where it ended up, and the first two don’t count.

Smashcut to the shit nobody cares about- the humans. We see an Osprey fly over the Qatar desert, carrying a buttload of American soldiers. We get a taste of some good old-fashioned xenophobia, as several soldiers mock a guy for not speaking English and loving his mother’s cooking, going full “funny haha gibberish language” on him. We’re two and a half minutes into the film, and I already want to stab something.

Ed Sheeran breaks into the conversation, I guess because he was feeling left out, revealing that he is the New Yorker stereotype of the film, for some reason. The fellas ask their captain, Lennox, what he’s looking forward to most about getting home from their tour, and he reveals himself to be a family man. While he’s been away, his wife had a baby, who he hasn’t so much as held yet. His men respond by mocking him.

For loving his child.

We’re three minutes into the film, and the toxic masculinity might actually make me have an aneurysm.

The Ospreys land, the lads disembark, and we get a snapshot of what downtime during deployment looks like to Bay. There are a lot of kiddie swimming pools involved. Two men play basketball. We watch multiple men take outdoor showers. A young Qatari boy brings Lennox a camelback water pack with a smile on his face. This lets me know that he’s a prop and not a character in this film. I can’t wait to see how many horrors he’ll be put through to simulate pathos.

We get a shot of a helicopter flying over the desert, one that the US military doesn’t recognize as their own. They send a couple of planes to check it out, and said planes get their shop wrecked. The helicopter is revealed to be the same ‘copter that was shot down several months prior. That’s… not good. Ghost helicopter?

No. Not at all, actually.

Lennox gets on a video chat with his wife and daughter, who is wearing one of the most ridiculous baby outfits I’ve seen in a hot minute. And I used to work in childcare, so I’ve seen a good amount of those. The writing implies that normal bodily functions are unladylike and therefore undesirable… in an infant… and that’s when all hell breaks loose, thankfully saving me from more of Bay trying to make me give a shit about these characters.

The helicopter lands, we get a shot of the mustachioed pilot, who glitches (gasp), and the line “have your crew step out or we will kill you” is uttered. Not even trying to hide the nationalism, are you?

This film hit theaters in 2007, when the xenophobia from 9/11 was still heavy in the air of the general populace, so things like this were more tolerated, and in fact approved of. Of course, it’s not like America has really improved on that subject, or ever really had a point where we weren’t terrible about it, since we live in a world where the military-entertainment complex exists.

See, the Department of Defense and a good chunk of American entertainment industries have a little deal going, and have for the last few decades, and it goes like this: The DoD will allow the use of their vehicles, personnel, and bases, or the likenesses of such, for free, in exchange for their operations being shown in a positive/morally justified light. This is why you never see the armed forces portrayed in a way that makes them out as anything less than heroes- nobody would be able to afford the sets/likenesses without the DoD’s aid. This is also why you see straight-up advertisements for the military branches on televison, in cinemas, and online, and why both the Army and Navy have flirted with having Twitch channels.

It’s all a ploy to get you to join the military, kids. It’s propaganda.

But enough about that, it’s time for our first transformation sequence!

We get a lot of moving parts with this, since it’s realistic CGI in a live-action movie, and it still holds up. It’s hard to tell what’s actually happening, but it, if nothing else, feels alien, surreal, and horrific to behold. They even included the original sound effect in the cacophony, which is nice.

Our ghost helicopter reveals itself to be a Transformer, not that we get that terminology at any point in this film. This specifically is Blackout, a Decepticon. The soldiers start firing on him the moment he starts transforming, then are surprised when the thing they started shooting with several guns retaliates. This is the point where everything ever in this military base explodes, brilliantly and repeatedly, because it wouldn’t be a Bay film without it. There’s a lot of shouting and bright lights, and I’m positively certain that a great deal of people died during this fight.

It’s just a shame that I don’t care.

Blackout rips the top off of a building like it’s a tin of anchovies, and then snags all the hard drives he can, downloading everything. This is a problem, but it seems like nobody was prepared for a giant alien robot hack-attack, because in order to shut down the power to the servers, you need to be able to unlock the breaker box, and no one seems to have the key. They solve the problem with a fire ax.

Lennox is leading the Qatari boy through the base towards safety. I should mention that it’s night now, and several hours seem to have passed since the Ospreys landed, so I don’t know why this kid is still here. He’s got, like, a house and family to go home to.

We get some more tank-throwing action, Sergeant Epps almost gets flattened under Blackout’s foot, then the movie decides it’s going to try to make things more interesting by having each shot cut flash, for whatever reason.

Someone shoots Blackout with a rocket launcher, I think, and this is the point where he throws his tiny little man off his back to go do his job. Yes, Blackout’s got a baby, and that baby is Scorponok, his symbiotic pal who likes to dig into the ground and be a sneaky little bastard.

Blackout blows up a ton more military equipment and personnel, and then it’s time for another smashcut.

Now we’re in high school, just like all those dreams I’ve had where I’ve forgotten my homework. This is where we meet Sam Witwicky, our main character, and also the stand-in for our target demographic. He’s insufferable, and I don’t like him. Mikaela Banes, our love interest, is also present in this scene, but we don’t get to know about her character for, like, another 20 minutes, because who gives a shit about women, right? They’re just props, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Sam is presenting on his great-great-grandfather, Archibald Witwicky, for his family genealogy report, in front of a class containing maybe three actors who are age appropriate.

I know child labor laws are a good thing, and that hiring adults to play teenagers is just the lay of the land, but I swear some of these students look like they’re old enough to be on their second mortgage and third kid.

Anyway.

Archibald Witwicky was an explorer, one of the first to traverse the Arctic circle, and apparently his crew was made up of folks from 2007, because I swear the clothing for a few of these dudes isn’t period-appropriate. We get a seamen joke, because of course we do, and a sextant joke, because of course we do. Sam is also hawking all this crap he’s brought in for the presentation, because he is a little bastard who has no idea what his peers would want to buy, or really how to relate to them at all. He’s selling these “priceless” artifacts so he can get a car. Mikaela finds this charming, for some fucking reason. Also, her boyfriend is weirdly stroking her shoulder blade with his knuckles the whole time this is happening, and I hate it.

Archibald Witwicky went mad after his expedition, talking about an “ice man” so often that his family ended up locking him in a mental asylum, likely to be forgotten about. Which is sad. But we won’t be getting into the medical mistreatment of the mentally ill in Bayverse, now will we? That’s just Too Deep™.

Sam’s teacher didn’t very much appreciate having his class be turned into an episode of Antiques Roadshow, but still gives Sam an “A” on the project, despite it being a very poor report that lasted all of two minutes. I suspect the teacher has tenure, and therefore no longer gives a shit about academic integrity. This “A” means that Sam’s father will buy him a car.

Which is nice, I suppose, if I gave a damn.

Sam’s father, Ron, picks up his son in a car he probably bought at the crux of his midlife crisis, in a green that reminds me of a school gymnasium floor, then plays a prank on his child by pretending to pull into the Porsche dealership. Sam isn’t getting a Porsche, which is good, because he doesn’t deserve one. As Sam gripes to his father, a yellow Camaro drives by oh so conspicuously. Wonder what’s up with that.

Instead of the Porshe dealership, they head over to the used car lot, which is being run by Bobby Bolivia, who spends his time yelling at his employees and wanting to murder his mother. Sam is incredibly ungrateful about the fact that his dad is helping him get a car, even though it’s his FIRST car, and nobody gets a nice one the first go around. Or, at least, they shouldn’t, given the statistics about accidents with young drivers.

“No sacrifice, no victory” is uttered by Ron, which is the family motto, or so he claims. Archibald Witwicky said the same thing when he had multiple people dying trying to get to the Arctic Circle, so there’s precedence for the phrase, but we’ll see how it holds up throughout the film.

Bobby Bolivia shows Sam and Ron the cars he has for sale, and Sam is immediately drawn to the yellow Camaro in the lot, though there’s a small problem- it’s too expensive for what he and his father agreed to. Also, nobody knows where the hell it came from, so paperwork might be an issue. When Bobby tries to show Sam the yellow Beetle they have right down the line, everything explodes, because this is a Bay film, and fuck the original material this movie was based on. Bobby lets them have the Camaro for a lower price, suddenly fearful of whatever strange powers have just visited his place of business. “The car picks the driver” is suddenly more than a bullshit line to spout off in order to sell cars, and I’m certain that’s shaken the poor man.

Over in Washington, D.C., the Secretary of Defense prepares to address just what the hell happened in Qatar, lamenting on how young the audience he’s going to be speaking to is. In particular, he’s referring to the two dweebs and the hot chick sitting in one of the rows. All the women in this movie who aren’t someone’s mom are made up to be very pretty. And not even in a realistic way. But we’ll get to that in a bit.

So, the military network was hacked. That’s bad. Nobody knows who did it. That’s also bad. The only lead the US has is a soundbite, which is the signal that hacked the network.

Everyone here at the briefing is going to be helping to figure this mess out. This is great, if you like looking at Rachael Taylor for a few seconds at a time, and can compartmentalize hard enough to make that worth the effort of watching this godforsaken film.

Back at the Witwicky household, we meet Mojo, a chihuahua with a cast that doesn’t seem like it’s actually doing anything. I wish he was the main character instead of Sam.

Sam arrives home from the dealership, and says “alright, Mojo, I’ve got the car. Now I need the girl.”

As if ownership of a person is something to aspire to.

As if women are property to be owned.

As if women aren’t people, but rather commodities.

We’re 17.5 minutes into this film.

We’re introduced to Judy, Sam’s mother. She’s shrill, and annoying. This is by design, because none of the women in this film are actually people, but rather archetypes to bounce off of the male characters.

Sam and his father have a moment of what some might consider banter, then Sam gets huffy with his mom over gender roles for the dog. I, for one, think Mojo looks positively dashing in his bedazzled collar, and to hell with whatever Sam says to the contrary.

Sam drives off to go be a misogynist, with the promise to be back by 11PM.

Over in Qatar, the soldiers and that little boy are running from the attack on their base, as Lennox’s wife watches a public announcement on the matter back at home. The Secretary of Defense lets us know that we’re at DEFCON Delta at this point. Lennox Jr. cries, and all I can think about is how they probably pinched that baby to make that happen. They pinched a baby for Transformers (2007).

The soldiers in Qatar talk about shit they have no idea about, Sergeant Epps going on about somehow having been able to see a forcefield around Blackout through his super special binoculars. I don’t know how, or why, he knows this. I don’t know anything anymore.

Ed Sheeran has his doubts about this whole thing, and Lennox is also present in the scene, because I guess he’s important. Through a bit of dramatic irony, Fig- the guy everyone was making fun of for being bilingual at the start of the film- says that this probably isn’t over, as the shape of Scorponok shifts through the sand just beyond them.

Epps is having a minor crisis over the fact that Blackout saw him, but we don’t have time for that, because we’ve got to get to cover. The lads decide to head to the little Qatari boy’s house. Again, I wonder why he was at the base at all, considering that it seems like they’ve been traveling for a good portion of the day.

Back with Sam, he’s picked up his friend Miles, and together they’re going to a lake party. Are they invited to this party? Yes, but also no. It’s public property though, so it should be fine. As they park, Sam notices that Mikaela is here, which is great for him.

Mikaela’s boyfriend, Trent- whose name I had to look up- is a massive tool, and starts pestering the two boys for daring to exist in his airspace. Miles climbs a tree. I’m glad he’s having fun, at least. Sam makes a joke at the expense of people with brain injuries, and this for some reason? Warrants a shot of Mikaela making the blank “pretty girl” face? In response?

Mikaela saves Sam from becoming a wet stain on the grass, which is very kind of her, and more than Sam really deserves. Trent, his boys, and Mikaela start to head off for another party, to get away from Sam and his tree-loving friend. Mikaela offers to drive, and Trent says that she can’t handle his truck, because she’s a ~girl~. This causes Mikaela to ditch him, and start walking home.

The script knows enough about misogyny to know that this would be a nice “take that”. Michael Bay, however, likely fails to see why everything he did with said script involving this character is a goddamned problem.

Because Mikaela, bless her heart, has a lot of problems.

Let’s start with the outfit: a croptop, a jean skirt that BARELY covers her ass, and a pair of wedge heels that are at least four inches tall. On a character that is, at oldest, freshly 18.

Look, I’m all about self-expression and the freedom to choose how you dress for yourself and yourself alone, but this clearly isn’t that. This is a character, not a person, whose wardrobe was designed for the straight male gaze. She’s wearing fucking STRAP HEELS to the lake. This is about oogling. This is about reducing a whole-ass person to the same status as a piece of meat. In fact, who was on wardrobe for this? I’d like to have a few words with-

A woman? Okay, well, what else has she worked on?

You can’t be fucking serious.

ANYWAY.

Miles just called Mikaela an “evil jock concubine.” I don’t like Miles anymore.

As Mikaela walks down the road, strutting hard enough that I’ve got sympathy pains in my hips, the radio in the Camaro turns on, playing “Drive” by the Cars, and giving Sam a hell of an idea; he’s gonna drive Mikaela home, so she doesn’t have to walk the 10 miles to her house. Why he knows how far she lives from the lake isn’t addressed.

Sam kicks Miles out of the car and goes to give Mikaela a ride, which she accepts after a bit of self-deliberation, and also him making an ass of himself. The shot here is framed with Sam like he’s a normal-ass person, and Mikaela from her breasts to the top of her waist. Because of COURSE it is.

She hops in the car and then goes off about her taste in hot guys. Which is weird, and out of left field. Sam is about as confused as I am, then continues to make a fool of himself. This is his nature as a person. Mikaela has no idea who Sam is, even though they’ve gone to the same school for the last 10 years and have multiple classes together. And the fact that she was staring him down all through his genealogy presentation. And at the lake.

This movie isn’t very well thought out, I feel.

It’s at this point the the Camaro turns the key on itself and starts to sputter out and die, as “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye pops on the radio.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid with a girl who didn’t even know his name five minutes ago.

I don’t like how this car knows what sex is.

The Camaro breaks down on a cliff, and Mikaela hops out to work on the engine, and also to get the hell away from Sam’s sputtering.

As Mikaela admires the sweet engine in this Camaro, showing off her knowledge of cars, we get several shots of her from her breasts to her thighs, while Sam is treated like an actual person. Don’t bother trying to play it off as an artistic choice, Bay, this is blatant horndogging. This adds to NOTHING, other than my ire.

Sam says more stupid shit, and Mikaela, who must be the nicest fucking person in the world, just tells him to fire up the engine so she can try to sort out the problem. Then he asks why she goes for jackasses like Trent, and she decides that she’s hit her limit for today, opting to walk the rest of the way home. Good on you, Mikaela. Don’t take Sam’s bullshit.

Sam, realizing that he’s put his foot in his mouth for the 80th time today, pleads with his Camaro to do him a solid and work, and this actually works out for him. Great. Sam, victorious, once again offers Mikaela a ride, which she, once again, takes.

He drops her off without further incident, and she thanks him for listening. Even though they didn’t really talk that much. I dunno, maybe they had a super deep conversation offscreen. Mikaela asks Sam if he thinks she’s shallow, because clearly all women need approval from the men around them, and Sam says that there’s more to her than meets the eye.

Which made me groan aloud.

Anyway, she gets inside without a problem, and Sam professes his love for his new Camaro for allowing him to talk to a girl. Or at least talk at her.

Back in Washington, D.C., at the Pentagon National Military Command Center, we’re making weirdly racist calls on who hacked the military.

Up with Air Force One, a conspicuous boombox transforms into a robot, and then runs off to hack shit. The President of the United States requests some snack cakes. A flight attendant goes down to storage to retrieve said snack cakes, and finds that boombox in the elevator with her. Considering this is Air Force One, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse, and we don’t think here.

The flight attendant brings the boombox down with her and places it on the counter as she goes to get the presidential snack cakes. The boombox immediately disappears. Now, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse-

The flight attendant opens up the snack cake package, for some reason, and drops the cake on the floor. She then proceeds to eat it, and then act shocked when it tastes like floor. There’s a robot in her fucking line of sight, and you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing-

She leaves to go feed the President floor cakes, and our little robot friend gets to work stealing government secrets. He, if nothing else, looks pretty cool doing it. He’s a very pointy lad.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie- Rachael Taylor’s character- can hear the hacking. This sends everyone into a panic, because, well, that shouldn’t be happening. The hacking noise is a direct match to the one from Qatar, so that’s obviously a problem.

Back on Air Force One, our little robot friend is looking for “Project Iceman”, which he very quickly finds, and downloads everything they’ve got on it, and also plants a virus. The process seems to be… doing things to him. It’s weird. This movie is weird.

The Pentagon cuts all the system hardlines, stopping the process, but it’s too late- he got what he wanted, just about. Two security personnel come into the room, and the robot kills them both with some spinning blade disc nonsense. Air Force One is forced to land for the safety of everyone on-board. More security detail comes in to deal with the little bastard, but he transforms into a boombox and sits on a shelf to avoid suspicion. Now, you’d perhaps expect-

With the plane grounded, our robot is able to walk his little ass over to a cop car. And when I say walk, I do mean walk; this fucker is in multiple folks’ line of sight and nobody notices a thing. When he enters the car, he’s greeted by the mustachioed driver- the same driver who was operating the helicopter at the beginning of the film. This mustache man is a holographic avatar, one that’s being used by all the Decepticons.

We get our first real taste of Cybertronian language, as our robot- it’s Frenzy, his name is Frenzy- lets everyone know that he’s found a clue to the location of the AllSpark, and, through the power of the internet, knows where to find the guy who’s gonna give them what they need.

Three guesses to who it is, and the first two don’t count.

Back at the Witwicky household, Sam’s car does a runner in the middle of the night. Sam, horrified that his property is being stolen, pursues on a bike, screaming at his dad to call the cops. Sam also calls the cops, as he tears through the neighborhood.

The Camaro breaks into an abandoned building, Sam follows, and we finally get a shot of our audience appeal character. Sam watches in disbelief as a giant yellow space robot shines a beacon into the sky, then makes a video on his flip phone recording the experience. He apologizes to his parents for owning pornographic magazines, and goes to face his probable demise.

However, death does not come from above, instead manifesting itself as two of the strongest junkyard dogs in the known universe, who break their brick-inlaid chains to get at this little dip of a man. Sam is chased through the yard, climbing on top of a couple precarious oil drums, even though there’s a ladder, like, right there. The Camaro rolls in, scaring off the dogs, and Sam bolts, throwing the keys to his ride at his ride. When he gets outside, the cops have arrived, and immediately arrest him.

Back with the US government, the Secretary of State is having a conversation about all the bullshit that just went down with Air Force One. He and his fellow cishet old white men discuss their options, until Maddie comes in to set them straight on some of the facts. They act all indignant about it, because women can’t be smart, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Anyway, we get a weird little deflection of Maddie’s role in everything, because a woman is nothing without the men around her, then she brings up the point that the bullshit that happened on Air Force One went down in just a few seconds, which isn’t something that anyone can actually do. She brings up quantum mechanics, which everyone blows off as nonsense- not that I wouldn’t as well- and theorizes on a DNA-based computer, which is technically a thing, if not trapped in the realm of speculation. It’s at this point that the Secretary of Defense tells her to come back when she can back these wild claims up, and isn’t just clearly spitballing.

And then he snaps his fingers at her, and any point he might have had leaves my brain so I have more room for being enraged.

Back with Sam, we’re at the police station talking to the cops. His dad is here, and Sam is trying to explain that his car is a dude. Even though he took at a video (one that was likely crap, given how quickly he spun his phone around to show off what he was seeing) the cops, understandably, don’t believe him. Then one of them, not so understandably, starts… threatening Sam? With his sidearm? And daring him to try something? This isn’t any sort of statement on the corruption of American law enforcement, it’s just bizarre.

Back in Qatar, our soldier buddies have found a telephone line, and are going to try to use it to get in contact with the rest of the world. It’s just too bad that Scorponok’s decided to make an entrance, and knock said telephone line the hell down. Ed Sheeran has next to no reaction to this, despite it happening maybe ten feet behind him. Fig speaks Spanish, and Ed Sheeran makes a point to be an asshole about it.

Scorponok is about to stab Lennox with his very pointy tail, when Epps notices- finally, someone with peripheral vision- and starts shooting. Then everyone starts shooting, kicking up enough sand to blind themselves, as Scorponok scuttles away, buries himself, then reappears behind Ed Sheeran.

Ed Sheeran does not survive this experience.

The others bolt, not wanting the same to happen to them, and for the fourth time I wonder just why the hell this young boy was at the base in the first place.

Off in the distance, the community of a nearby town wonders just what the shit is going on out in the desert. Our soldiers run into the town, and everyone gets their guns and start firing on Scorponok, who retaliates, because why the hell wouldn’t he?

Lennox demands that the young boy take him to his father, and proceeds to borrow his phone. As shit goes down outside, we have a sort-of gag where Lennox is trying to contact the Pentagon, while a telemarketer tries to get him to buy a phone package. In order for this call to go through, he’s going to need a credit card. This is where the well-known “pocket” scene comes from, as Lennox searches Epps’ pants for his wallet as he fires on Scorponok. It’s probably the best-written thing in this whole film.

With the credit card acquired, Lennox finally gets through to the Pentagon, and tosses Epps the phone so he can talk. Maybe he’s got anxiety about speaking on the phone, I dunno.

Scorponok shows off his disregard for historical architecture, blowing up several buildings, and the US government just watches this all go down. One of the actors in this scene looks like my dad, and it trips me up every time he’s on screen. Anyway, now the Pentagon knows about the giant space robots running around in Qatar. They send over some air support about it. All this manages to do is piss Scorponok off.

So they try it again.

This time it works, sort of.

At the very least, he’s left now.

Tail fell off, though.

Also, Fig’s been grievously wounded. The others, for once, don’t make fun of his native language while they help him hold his blood inside his body.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s looking to prove that the bullshit that’s been going on is of the sci-fi variety, and in order to do that, she’s going to need a little outside help. She takes the information from the Pentagon, slaps it into an SD card, hides that shit in her blush compact, and then runs out the door to Glenn Whitmann’s house. Or, rather, his grandma’s house.

Glenn is a hacker, and shouldn’t be seeing anything that Maddie’s brought him, but everyone knows that confidentiality is for nerds, so whatever.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s immediately been caught. It’s almost like slapping the military network onto an SD card maybe wasn’t such a hot idea. But what do I know?

Glenn takes a look at the soundbite and figures out that there’s a code embedded in the thing in about two seconds. Good to know our tax dollars are being well-spent on the US military, that some dude in his jammies can figure this shit out faster than a whole team of analysts. They figure out that “Project Iceman” is involved with this somehow, and also the existence of Sector Seven. It’s at this point that the FBI busts in. Good. I kind of want Maddie to go to jail for this, because she was about as stupid as she could be handling the situation.

Glenn’s cousin goes through a closed glass door- don’t worry, it’s tempered- and there’s a weird cut before that exact same shot continues, and he’s tackled into the pool. There was no reason for that to have happened, but here we are.

Back with Sam, we’re treated to him in his boxers, shooting basketballs in his room. He goes into the kitchen, where Mojo is standing on a stool. It’s a very tall stool, the sort you sit on, and he’s just… there. I don’t know how he got there. There’s no one else in the room besides Sam, and I know he didn’t put him there.

Clearly this must mean Mojo is God, and being on that stool is his divine will. I will be approaching the rest of the franchise with this in mind, because it’s clearly the only answer.

Our merciful Lord Mojo jumps up on the kitchen counter and begins growling at something through the window. Sam looks out… the opposite window… to find that his Camaro has returned to him, and is less than thrilled about it, to put it lightly. He drops a jug of milk- luckily it was mostly empty, given the sound it makes when it hits the floor- and gives his buddy Miles a call. You remember Miles, don’t you? If you don’t, it’s fine, because he reestablishes his quirkiness with a single shot, as he sits in a swimsuit and bathes his huge-ass dog in a kiddie pool, and answers the phone with a headset he just happened to be wearing. He must get a lot of calls during Dog Washing Hours.


After giving us one of the most intense voice cracks I’ve ever heard, Sam books it out of his house, hopping on a bike to escape his murderous Camaro. He’s not seen the thing commit any murders, mind you, but he seems pretty convinced that it would do the job, given half a chance. Also, this isn’t the bike he rode the night before; that one is likely being chewed on by those strong-ass junkyard dogs. No, for some reason, the Witwickys have a pastel pink girl’s bike, with the fun little handle tassels and the basket and everything. As far as I can tell, Sam is an only child, and if you think Bay’s going to allow for a teenage boy to have the vulnerability to own a pink bike, you’ve not been paying attention for the last 48.5 minutes.

The Camaro gives chase, rolling after Sam on his bike at a brisk 7 MPH down the friggin’ sidewalk, one of the only scenes in this travesty of a film to actually get me to crack a smile. Sam races through town until city planning puts a stop to him, through the magic of using chunks of cement to decorate the mulch around their trees. He crashes his bike, faceplants into the concrete in front of Mikaela, and promptly dies, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told a fib. I’m sorry.

Instead, he does a flip and lands on his back, likely receiving a concussion, in front of Mikaela and her friends. Her friends laugh, because everyone hates Sam, as they should, and Mikaela says that what he just did was “really awesome.” Don’t try to be nice, Mikaela, this is Sam we’re talking about; you could stick the dude in the freezer overnight and he still wouldn’t be even remotely cool.

Sam gets back to the whole “running away from a car” deal, and Mikaela decides that this is the sort of thing she’d like to do with her day, so she ditches her friends in the middle of their scheduled Burger King™ time to go see what the hell Sam’s on about.

As Sam is chased by the Camaro who is being chased by Mikaela on her motorized scooter, a cop becomes involved, tearing through the streets to join this ridiculous game of tag. Now, we’ve seen two different flavor of cop so far- the mustachioed avatar cop car that picked up Frenzy from the airport, and the dude who threatened a teenage boy with a gun after accusing him of being under the influence of drugs. Either way, I don’t think this is going to turn out well for Sam.

Sam’s cornered himself under one of those really wide bridges where people can park their cars, which wasn’t terribly smart, but it’s Sam, so this is about par for the course. The Camaro manages to miss him, but the cop car does not. Sam is actually pretty cool with the cops being here, as if they could do anything about “Satan’s Camaro.” I guess he didn’t see the decal on the side of this car that says “to punish and enslave…”

Sam attempts to approach the car for help, and gets clotheslined by a car door for his troubles. He hits his head on the pavement, certainly exasperating the brain injury he received not ten minutes ago. Still, he continues to try to talk to the holographic avatar through the windshield, revealing that the bike he’s been riding is his mother’s. Mystery solved, I suppose.

The cop car doesn’t much appreciate being slapped on the hood, and begins to rev violently at Sam, threatening to run him over several times. Then it explodes into being a robot. Sam, who’s seen a lot of really weird shit in the last 24 hours, nopes out of the situation. It’s at this point that I realize he’s wearing a shirt for the band the Strokes. I don’t know why that stuck out to me, but it did. Guess my brain needed something to latch onto during all this.

Sam is running as fast as his little legs allow, as our newest robot friend takes up a leisurely jog to keep pace. Then he kicks Sam. He kicks Sam’s body like the football. This, of course, instantly turns Sam into a bag of jelly and kills him, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Sam somehow survives being punted by a giant metal leg and lands in the windshield of a car that doesn’t turn into a robot. Then he gets yelled at by the cop car. This is Barricade, a member of the Decepticons, and Sam’s got something he wants. Or, should I say “LadiesMan217” has something he wants.

LadiesMan217 is Sam’s Ebay username. This is both stupid because no teenage boy existing beyond the year 1985 would have ever called himself that, and also because it’s just stupid.

Barricade wants the glasses Sam presented for his genealogy report, and he wants them NOW. Seeing as the thing he wants is for sale, and nobody had been bidding on it, one would wonder why Barricade and his associates didn’t just try to purchase them like upstanding citizens. Perhaps Decepticons don’t understand the concept of money, or perhaps they don’t have a stable address to have the glasses shipped to. Or perhaps nobody considered that angle when the script was being put together. Who can say?

Sam gets back to running away from Barricade, we see where Mikaela got to, and the two of them collide. Sam rips Mikaela off of her scooter, and they both fall to the ground. Mikaela, who did not buckle the clasp on her helmet, asks Sam what his fucking problem is. Then his problem shows up, and they take a very long time to get up so they can run. So long, in fact, that the Camaro has to swing in to save them. After much pleading from Sam, Mikaela gets inside Satan’s Camaro, and the two of them are whisked away to safety. Barricade pursues, and then the butt rock starts.

There’s a lot of screaming and yelling, the Camaro busts through a window and several shelves in an abandoned building, there’s some drifting, and then suddenly it’s nighttime. Barricade somehow got in front of the Camaro, and is circling like a shark. The Camaro locks the two teenagers inside itself, though I suppose they could climb out through the still-open windows if they really wanted to. The Camaro cuts the engine off, then cuts it back on and bolts for the exit, and this somehow tricks Barricade long enough for them to get past.

The Camaro dumps Mikaela and Sam out one of the doors and then transforms into that yellow space robot we saw a bit ago. It’s Bumblebee! Nearly an hour in, and we finally get a proper look at the little bastard. I guess that’s what happens when you spend the first 20-something minutes on being xenophobic and appealing to the focus groups that think it’s fine sexualize high schoolers.

Bumblebee- no, he’s not introduced himself yet, but I just can’t keep calling him “the Camaro” anymore- comes out of his transformation ready to square the fuck up. Barricade throws himself at Bumblebee, they roll around on the ground for a bit, then things start sparking and exploding, because this is a Michael Bay film. Frenzy jumps out and starts chasing down Mikaela and Sam, while Bumblebee and Barricade murder death punch each other. Frenzy manages to grab Sam by the ankles, drag him to the ground, and rip his pants off. Not sure how that happened, considering he’s still got his shoes on.

While Sam’s busy being chased by a sentient pile of safety pins, Mikaela’s taken it upon herself to be proactive about her survival, and is raiding a nearby building for power tools. She sprints out holding an electric jig saw and saves Sam by decapitating Frenzy. If you know anything about Transformers, then you know this doesn’t actually kill Frenzy, but good on her for being a badass. Why couldn’t Mikaela be our main character again? Oh, right, because she’s a ~girl~.

Sam punts Frenzy’s head, like, 50 yards, which seems like something he shouldn’t be able to do, given that he’s a massive weenie, but there you are. With that out of the way, Sam takes Mikaela’s hand and they run off to go watch the giant robot fight. The bottom of Frenzy’s head turns into a spider and he crawls his way over to Mikaela’s purse. He’s gonna steal her gum, the fiend!

Mikaela and Sam have, unfortunately, missed the giant robot fight, which means that we, as the audience, have also missed the giant robot fight. Which is unbelievably stupid, seeing as everyone who has ever watched this movie came for the GIANT GODDAMN ROBOTS.

Mikaela asks just who the hell the yellow robot is, I guess because she’s finally had a second to process what the hell’s going on. Sam claims that he’s a super-advanced robot, “probably from Japan.” Whether or not this is a reference to the Japanese origins of the original toy line isn’t clear, though somehow I think it’s more xenophobia. Sam also makes the claim that if Bumblebee had intended to hurt them, he would have done it by now. This is quite the jump from a few hours ago, when he was calling the poor guy “Satan’s Camaro.”

Sam finally, finally asks Bumblebee what his deal is, and we get our first taste of the Bayverse Bumblebee Gimmick. The Gimmick here is that, due to an injury to his vocal processing, Bumblebee cannot communicate through traditional means, i.e. speech. Because of this, he instead strings together sentences by flicking through the radio frequencies and choosing key words. This can lead to some interesting audio design, like describing his fellow Autobots to “rain down like visitors form heaven, Hallelujah!” because a radio sermon fit what he was trying to say best.

This gimmick is one that has been used in other pieces of Transformers media, at least in part. Bumblebee is unable to speak traditionally in Transformers: Prime, and instead communicates in beeps and clicks that his teammates can understand, but not so much the humans, save for Raf. In Bumblebee (2018), the idea was used whole-cloth, with the injury resulting in his inability to speak happening on-camera within the first 10 minutes of the movie, and the idea of “expressing oneself through music” being introduced by his human companion Charlie Watson.

All in all, I rather like the idea going on here; it’s an interesting part of his character that opens up for a lot of interesting and creative moments.

It’s just too bad it was introduced in fucking Bayverse.

But yeah, anyway, the other Autobots are coming to Earth. Shit’s gonna be lit.

Bumblebee turns back into a Camaro, and Sam uses the power of FOMO to get Mikaela to go in the car with him. We get a shot of Barricade fucking dying on the side of the road. Frenzy murders Mikaela’s phone, and then steals its identity, including the little bejeweled heart stickers. Good thing Mikaela remembered to go get her purse, otherwise he probably would have felt very silly doing that.

Mikaela refuses to sit in the driver’s seat, seeing as she now knows Sam’s car is sentient, and sort of feels weird about this whole thing. Sam suggests that she sit in his lap instead, as the camera angles to give us a peek at the cup of Mikaela’s bra. When asked why the hell she should do such a thing, Sam says it’s a concern about her safety, given that the middle console of the car does not have a seatbelt. Sam either fails to recognize that seatbelts going over two layered bodies won’t save either of them in the event of a crash, or he’s just trying to make an excuse to have a pretty girl in his lap.

Given what movie this is, I’m going to guess it’s the latter.

Mikaela has a similar line of thought, but scoots over anyway, saying that the seatbelt line was a “smooth move”. It wasn’t, but if I picked apart every single bad line Sam had in this film, I’d be here all day.

Mikaela questions Bumblebee’s taste in alt-mode, which offends him to the point of dumping both her and Sam out in the street and driving away. He returns, moments later, as a sleek new Camaro, that I’m sure some car aficionados would call “sexy.”

Bumblebee’s alt-mode is a 2009 Chevrolet Camaro, of which there were none during the time of filming. It was put together for this movie in roughly five weeks. Sam is blown away by the fact that he now owns a car that does not currently exist in his universe. Mikaela is impressed, or at least she would be, if women were allowed to show that emotion in a non-horny way in a Bay film.

Judy doesn’t count.

As Bumblebee breaks into yet another restricted area, we get a shot of the Earth from orbit, as several objects rocket towards the planet. Sam and Mikaela watch the Autobots burn up in the atmosphere, and Mikaela tries to hold Sam’s hand as they do, and it’s at this point that I have to address how much I hate these two’s dynamic.

I don’t give a single solitary shit about this romance, because A) it’s poorly written, B) Mikaela could do infinitely better than Sam, C) I dislike Sam so very much, D) Mikaela, who is a way more interesting character, got placed on friggin’ love interest duty because ~girl~, and E) it’s useless padding to try and make me care about what’s happening here, and I just DON’T. I do NOT care about whether these two get together or not.

We see the Autobots crash-land, three out of four of them causing massive amounts of property damage and possibly killing at least one person. Their stasis pods crack open, and they each climb out, completely naked and in desperate need of clothing to hide their shame. With a quick scan of nearby vehicles, they’re once again decent to be seen in public.

Bumblebee drives the kids out to what I can only assume is the warehouse district he sent that beacon out in, as our collection of good guys finally come together at long last. A massive Peterbilt semi-truck stops directly in front of Mikaela and Sam.

We’re over an hour into this film, and we’re just now getting to the quintessential Transformer, Optimus Prime himself.

In the original cartoon, Optimus’s alt-mode was what’s known as a cabover truck, one where the cab- where the driver sits- is seated directly over the engine. These were popular during the days when maximum truck-lengths were much shorter than they are currently. This is why when you look at height charts for Optimus over various continuities, his G1 cartoon counterpart much shorter than his other iterations.

Modern trucks are longer, and don’t need the cab to sit on top of the engine to save on space. The designers chose to use a Peterbilt to make sure that Optimus would have an imposing stature when compared to his fellow Autobots.

Because heaven forbid we not have heightism come into play in this film.

Our Autobots transform, and say what you will about these bastards being visually incomprehensible, the transformations themselves are cool as hell. My personal favorite is Jazz’s, where he does a cool windmill into his root mode.

Optimus crouches like he’s looking at a cool bug on the sidewalk and addresses Sam by name. He doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela, which I find to be a bit rude, but whatever. He then introduces himself as the leader of the Autobots.

Peter Cullen is back as the voice for Optimus Prime, sounding wonderful as always. He almost wasn’t brought on for this project, because Michael Bay didn’t want him. If the fans hadn’t thrown a hissyfit, who knows who we would have gotten to be our space dad for the next hour and a half?

This is actually an issue that’s recurred several times in the last few years, and not just with Cullen; Frank Welker, the voice of Megatron, as well as many other Transformers, has been refused roles within Transformers properties. In general, this is because both Cullen and Welker are union actors, and Hasbro would prefer to hire sound-alikes than pay more money for the originals. This isn’t to shame the non-union actors, goodness no, just to merely point out less-than-fantastic business practices.

I realize there have been a lot of tangents, but you have to understand that I am suffering as I do this.

Optimus then introduces his team- there’s Jazz, whose first line is “What’s crackin’ little bitches?”, Ironhide, who incorrectly quotes Dirty Harry, and Ratchet, who calls out just how obnoxiously horny Sam’s character is. We also finally get Bumblebee’s name.

Mikaela asks the very good question of why the fuck the Autobots are here on Earth. Optimus explains that the AllSpark is here, and they’ve got to get to it before Megatron does. He then goes on to explain who Megatron is, stating that he “betrayed” the Cybertronian empire.

No, how exactly he did that isn’t addressed. We’ll just have to take Optimus’s word, I suppose.

If you’ve sussed out by this point the the AllSpark and the Cube™ are the same thing, congrats! You win. Megatron followed the AllSpark to Earth, where he promptly was neutralized by the cold of the Arctic circle. This was 110 years prior to the events of this film, and where Archibald Witwicky came in to the story.

When the expedition was happening, Archibald fell through the ice during a collapse, and ended up finding Megatron’s frozen body in an ice cave. He went poking around on this strange metal giant, and ended up activating Megatron’s navigation systems, which imprinted the coordinates of the AllSpark onto Archibald’s glasses.

Don’t ask how that works, it just does.

So, the Autobots need the glasses, so they can find the AllSpark before the Decepticons do, so those guys don’t use it to build an army out of Earth’s machines, which will destroy humanity.

Sounds simple enough, let’s go get that vision correction device!

Back with the military dudes, everyone’s taking a gander at the tail that Scorponok left behind. They theorize that the metal that makes up these giant murder-robots reacts to extreme heat, but elaboration on that point will have to wait, because the tail has begun to flail. They quickly strap it down, then call the military to let them know to strap anti-tank guns onto anything that’s going to be approaching any giant robots.

Meanwhile, in an interrogation room, Maddie and Glen have been left to sweat a bit. Glen takes to stress-eating, while framing it as a psychological tactic to subconsciously prove his innocence to the FBI.

This is a fat joke, with the added nasty layer of Glen being a black man about to be interrogated by one of the most intimidating white cops I’ve seen in a hot minute.

Glen immediately folds, pinning all the blame on Maddie, and claiming that he’s been a perfect angel his whole life. We get some weird purity culture out of him, before Maddie lets the FBI know that she needs to talk to the Secretary of Defense, NOW.

Over at the Witwicky household, Sam’s parents are watching the news, trying to find out what all those loud crashes were about. Optimus Prime drives down their residential street, the rest of the gang in tow, then they all park to wait for Sam to go get the glasses.

For about 20 seconds.

Sam has to physically hold the door shut to prevent his father from coming out and seeing several very tall robots from outer space tip-toeing around his freshly-landscaped yard, I guess because they got antsy. Optimus plods around on the grass and breaks a fountain, and our benevolent god Mojo comes out of the house, assuredly to smite the leader of the Autobots.

Mikaela runs onto the scene, and Sam chastises her for not controlling the robots who didn���t even acknowledge her existence, outside of pointing out Sam was sexually attracted to her.

Mojo pees on Ironhide’s foot, which prompts Ironhide to threaten to shoot the creature. This is why Ironhide isn’t getting into heaven. Sam, one of Mojo’s chosen few, claims that the mortal shell of his god is seen as a beloved pet by many humans. Sam runs into the house, before Mojo can incur his divine wrath on the Autobots.

While Sam goes to get the glasses, the Autobots decide to do a little peeping on the house, watching his parents watch TV. Sam tears his room apart trying to find the glasses, and Optimus thinks that it would be helpful if he brought Mikaela up to help look. It’s at this point that I realize that Sam has an utterly bizarre fish tank.

I mean, legitimately, what the fuck is this? No filter, no plants, might not even have any rocks on the bottom. Is this a comically oversized bong Sam threw a couple fish into? What the fuck.

Mikaela starts looking for the glasses, running into what is likely a box of porn mags, then they both look out the window to find that the Autobots have decided to hide in plain sight by transforming... in the middle of Sam’s backyard. Amazing work, gentlemen.

Sam finally convinces the Autobots to go sit in the alley and wait, only for Ratchet to run into a power line and trip into a greenhouse. The resulting impact is interpreted as an earthquake. Judy does not have the reaction one might expect from someone who’s lived in California for at least ten years.

Ratchet’s fine, by the way.

The power cuts out, and Ron goes up to check on his son, because he’s at least a halfway-decent father. Ratchet’s shining a light to aid in the search for the glasses. Sam’s parents notice this bright light, and bang on Sam’s door to see what’s up.

Sam quickly hides Mikaela and then attempts to salvage the situation, answering the door and trying to control the narrative. Unfortunately, Ron is far too inquisitive for Sam to do this, and then Judy asks if Sam was masturbating.

Judy, is privacy just not a thing to you? Because if not, it really ought to be.

She keeps going with it too, trying to come up with code words, until another one of the Autobots trips and causes Ron to panic again, climbing into Sam’s ancient claw-foot bathtub to protect himself. He looks out the window to check on his beloved yard, lamenting that the earthquake tore it up.

Ironhide is strongly considering killing Sam’s parents. Optimus tells him that they don’t harm humans, and also begins to wonder if he made a mistake bringing this guy along.

Back in Sam’s room, it’s becoming increasingly obvious that Sam is an absolutely terrible liar, and Mikaela reveals herself, if only to prevent Judy from trying to talk about self-pleasure again. Of course, now she gets to be subjected to both of Sam’s parents objectifying her, so this might be a lose-lose situation.

Sam is reminded that his backpack is in the kitchen, just in time for the government to show up at his house. Mikaela makes a comment about Judy being nice. I suppose on a surface level, yes, being told that you’re gorgeous by someone’s mom is nice. I do have to question the context that compliment took place in, however.

Sam’s about to hand the glasses over to the Autobots, when someone rings the doorbell. It’s Sector Seven, and they’re here to talk to Sam about his stolen car being part of an issue involving national security. Ron and Judy are more concerned about their yard being torn up, Judy yelling that they “need to get their hands off [her] bush.”

We still have another hour of this movie.

The agent leading this mission asks Sam to come with him for questioning, which his parents are very much against. Mojo also voices his displeasure, but it would seem that Agent Simmons is not a follower of the Tenets of Mojo. Sam gets geigered, and his readings are high enough for Sector Seven to take him and everyone in this house into custody.

As Sam and Mikaela are riding in the back of the car, Simmons brings up Sam’s Ebay account, and also the phone video he took of Bumblebee earlier in the week. Mikaela is rather unimpressed with Sam at the moment, probably because he’s gotten her arrested. She still tries to help him out though, because she really is just the nicest fucking person on the planet.

Alas, the combined efforts of these two teenagers isn’t enough to fool the long arm of the law, especially when it’s a branch of said law that deals with extraterrestrial activity. Simmons threatens to lock up these literal children for life if they don’t start talking. Mikaela isn’t taking the bait, so he goes after her father’s parole hearing instead.

Yep! As it turns out, Mikaela and her father stole cars to get by, and she’s got the record to back that claim up. Simmons calls her a criminal, then says that criminals are hot. Mikaela looks like she’s about to cry, and I don’t blame her in the slightest.

Optimus, I suppose because his dad senses were tingling, takes the opportunity to place his leg in the road for the car to run into, then grabs said car like an unruly cat and lifts it until the roof rips off due to stress. The agents in the other cars pile out and point their guns at the giant space robot. The rest of the Autobots quickly relieve them of their weapons.

Optimus notes that Simmons doesn’t seem surprised that a bunch of giant robots just took all his guys’ guns, and demands that he exit the vehicle, posthaste. Simmons obliges, after a bit more prodding. Mikaela undoes Sam’s handcuffs, and he gets fucking pissy about it, as if this girl he’s had a grand total of three (awkward) conversations with should have told him something as personal as “hey, so my dad’s in jail and I’ve been to juvenile detention.”

Luckily, she doesn’t let him get away with it, calling him out as the spoiled, self-centered, privileged little shithead that he is.

Of course, we don’t get any sort of real acknowledgement from Sam, having to move on with the plot. Perhaps, if we hadn’t spent the last hour and 20 minutes faffing about on drivel, we could have had Sam get an actual moment of self-reflection, and potentially even character growth. However, this is Bayverse, and everyone knows that personal accountability is for fucking sissies.

Mikaela and Sam ask several questions, but get no answers from Agent Simmons. And then Bumblebee pees on him.

I hate that I had to write that. I hate it very much.

Anyway, I don’t know why that had to happen, but it did, and I’m nothing if not thorough.

Optimus tells Bumblebee to cut it out, and with that the Sector Seven agents are cuffs and left on the side of the road. Mikaela orders Simmons to strip, as punishment for threatening her father, then cuffs him to a street lamp.

...Yes, that does sound like a bizarre sexual fantasy, doesn’t it?

Unfortunately for our teen heroes, they forgot to confiscate everyone’s phones, and Sector Seven knows what’s up, thanks to the power of speakerphone. More cars and a couple of helicopters show up basically immediately, and the Autobots decide it’s time to dip.

But not before Ironhide fires off a pulsewave into the ground that causes a five-car pileup.

Optimus, I suppose because he knows he chose a ridiculously flashy alt-mode that is in no way practical, just picks the kids up in and places them on his shoulder like a couple of parakeets, then takes up a leisurely jog to get away from the eyes in the sky. He runs through the city, racking up what is likely millions in property damage, as the helicopters pursue. He passes by a “Legalize LA” billboard, which feels odd to see, given what movie this is.

The ‘copters somehow manage to lose Optimus, despite him being relatively slow, and having a notable radiation level that they’ve been using to track him. He hides inside the scaffolding of a bridge, only for Mikaela and Sam to slip off of his polished body to their deaths, thus ending the film.

No, they don’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Bumblebee snatches them up just before they hit the ground, the impact of his metal body catching them at 75 mph, killing them instantly and ending the film.

Nope, that doesn’t happen either.

Mikaela and Sam are fine, some-fucking-how, but Sam’s dropped the MacGuffin glasses. The helicopters swing back around, having noticed the sound of a car crashing into the ground and the screams of two whole adolescents. They break out a fucking harpoon gun and fire on our kid appeal character.

Repeatedly.

They wrap up Bumblebee in a series of cables, as he screams like a moose. Mikaela and Sam are held at gunpoint by what is honestly far too many dudes, and are then arrested for the second time in ten minutes. Bumblebee is smoked... because he’s a bee? Sam, not liking this one bit, finds the strength in his weenie body to push a cop off of himself, run at one of the dudes with the smoke guns, throw him to the ground, and then start smoking him. He’s immediately tackled, but points for trying.

Sam and Mikaela are placed back into custody, and the rest of the Autobots regroup with Optimus to see what the plan is. Optimus says that they can’t save Bumblebee without hurting humans, so I guess Bumblebee is just a POW now. Well, at least they got the glasses. That’s cool.

Back at the Pentagon, things are getting dicey, as the other world powers are starting to suspect that something’s up. The Secretary of Defense is approached by a man with a mustache and a briefcase. He’s from Sector Seven, but the Secretary gives not a fuck about mysterious organizations. All the computers in the room suddenly go down, the virus from earlier working its magic- only this time, the blackout is global.

Mr. Mustache opens his briefcase, while explaining that Sector Seven is something known as a “special access” sector of the government, which is why nobody’s ever heard of it; it’s beyond top secret. Commissioned by President Herbert Hoover 80 years prior, it deals with alien life.

When the Beagle 2 spacecraft was lost on the way to Mars in 2003, the mission was declared a failure. This was a lie. The Beagle 2 recorded several seconds of Mars before being crushed to death by a Transformer. This tidbit is pretty funny, given that the Beagle 2 was rediscovered on Mars in 2014, seven years after this film released. Not a terribly mysterious death anymore, is it?

Comparing the footage from Mars to the footage from Qatar has Sector Seven thinking that these are the same species. Which they are. God, it’d be so fucked up if there were two species of giant robots in this film.

Mr. Mustache theorizes that because the Transformers now know that they can be harmed by human weaponry, they’re being proactive about their safety and shutting down all forms of communication technology with that virus that keeps popping up. It’s only a matter of time before the shit hits the fan for humanity.

Mr. Secretary tells his guys to try going analog with comms, breaking out the short-wave radios, to tell their ships to return home.

Over at an Air Force base, Lennox and the gang have landed, only to be scooped up by a bunch of dudes in suits.

Back with Maddie and Glen, the two of them have fallen asleep in the interrogation room, Maddie still wearing her friggin’ four inch pumps as her legs are propped up on the table, crossed in a way that seems rather uncomfortable. Glen gets to sleep like a normal human being, with his head resting on his forearms. Why this place doesn’t have a holding cell for these situations is beyond me.

Mr. Secretary comes in to bring Maddie on as his advisor. Glen can come too, I guess, considering he’s the one who actually figured out the sound file virus.

We get a little military glorification, and then it’s revealed that Mikaela and Sam, as well as Maddie and Glen, are aboard this helicopter. Their paths cross at last. Our heroes are transported to the Hoover Dam, where Bumblebee is also. They are still smoking him.

Meanwhile, the Autobots are figuring out where to go, with the power of Archibald’s glasses. Ratchet, who I guess is omnipotent, senses that the Decepticons have also figured out the location, and that this is going to be a race against the clock. And I mean, he’s right, but the phrasing is a bit odd.

Jazz wants to know when they’re going to save Bumblebee. Optimus says that they aren’t, and that Bumblebee’s sacrifice is noble, and that he would want the Autobots to leave him and complete the mission. As this is said, we get another shot of Bumblebee getting smoked and trapped in a lab. Yep, this is totally what he would want. He absolutely signed up for this, giving himself up to the government and not at all fighting like mad to not be captured.

I don’t think Bayverse Optimus actually knows what martyrdom is, which is bizarre, given that it’s a major trait in a lot of other iterations of the character.

Ironhide isn’t even sure why they’re bothering to save humanity, given that humans are violent and awful, his point being hammered home as Bumblebee is tortured for scientific reasons. Ironhide seems to have forgotten that Cybertron has been at war for literally millions of years. Optimus has faith in humanity, however, stating that we’re “young”.

And then he says that he’s going to end his own race, by destroying the Cube™, which is how they reproduce, because that’s the only way to end the war.

Which is arguably one of the most hardcore fictional applications of eugenics ever conceived.

Being advocated for by Optimus Goddamn Prime.

We still have another 50 minutes of this movie.

Optimus then proves that he does, in fact, know what self-sacrifice is, stating that, if all else fails, he’ll shove the AllSpark into his spark, which will destroy them both. He’s pretty chill about it, too.

Up on top of the Hoover Dam, Frenzy has fallen out of Mikaela’s bag.

Mr. Secretary is also at the Hoover Dam now, as is Lennox’s team. Oh, and Agent Simmons, who is thankfully wearing pants. He offers to buy Sam a coffee, as repartitions for threatening his family, arresting him, and being a complete creep to a teenage girl. Sam gives not a fuck about caramel macchiatos with extra foam and chocolate drizzle, however. He only cares about his car.

Mr. Mustache, who is also here, needs Sam to spill the beans on all these friggin’ giant robots that are running around. This is where Sam realizes he has the upper hand for once, and he starts making demands. One such demand is having Mikaela’s record scrubbed clean, which is an actually very nice thing for him to have done for her. We’ll see if his intent comes to fruition. For now, it’s time to talk about Bumblebee.

We get a shot of all these folks heading into the secret base hidden inside the Hoover Dam, and it’s at this point that I notice that Maddie’s shirt is basically see-through.

Inside the Dam, we see that Sector Seven′s been keeping Megatron this entire time, keeping him neutralized with cryo-stasis since 1935. Cryopreservation was invented in the 50′s. This isn’t a nitpick, I just thought it was a neat little fact.

Megatron being on Earth has resulted in most modern technology. This sort of plot point always bothers me, because it takes away agency from the entire human race. We didn’t use our own ingenuity and work ethic to advance society, we plagiarized from a more advanced species. I dunno, it just rubs me the wrong way.

We get the part of the movie where info is hashed out, so that everyone is on the same page, Sam spouting off Autobot propaganda. We can forgive him for this,considering he’s 16, and no one is immune to propaganda, especially when they have zero way of doing their own research to form their own opinion with.

Sector Seven also has the AllSpark, kept in the room next to Megatron’s, like the chumps they will soon find themselves to be. It’s about ten stories tall and the reason the Hoover Dam exists. With so much concrete suppressing its alien energies, surely no one will ever find it!

Except for Frenzy, who came in through a mouse hole. Whoopsie-doodle!

The AllSpark zaps the nasty little man, restoring his body with its weird MacGuffin powers. Frenzy tells all his coworkers that he found what they were looking for, and everyone starts heading over.

Maddie asks Mr. Mustache what exactly he means by “energies”, perhaps worried that this whole thing has been some elaborate ploy to get her to invest in magic healing stones. Mr. Mustache brings everyone into a testing chamber, since the best way to explain how the AllSpark works is through a demonstration.

There’s a big fish tank in the middle of this testing chamber, in which Agent Simmons places a donated device from the crowd- Glen’s Nokia phone, specifically. Simmons makes a geologically-confused comment. When this is pointed out by Maddie, Mr. Secretary hushes her, simply saying that Simmons is a strange man. The tank is locked down, and then the show starts.

Cube™ energies are shot into the tank, and the phone explodes into life, transforming into a gorilla-shaped gremlin creature. Happy birthday, little dude!

Little dude starts shooting at the tank walls, cracking the glass until Simmons pulls the trigger and ends it. Happy deathday, little dude!

The Decepticons are making tracks towards the Hoover Dam, but Starscream- yeah, he’s in this now, don’t worry about it- arrives first, because he is a very fast jet. He transforms, showing off his ridiculous Dorito body, and fires on the base’s generators. The resulting explosions can be heard all the way down in the testing chamber, and Mr. Mustache calls upstairs to see what’s up. Looks like Megatron may be getting warmed up, seeing as his ice bath has been cut off. Lennox asks if there’s an arms room in Sector Seven, which sort of feels like asking a bakery if they have any flour.

Frenzy has entered the room that houses the controls for the cryo-stasis and set that whole system to “no, thank you”.

Mr. Mustache runs through the base, screaming for everyone to get to the Megatron chamber. Off in the distance, the Autobots approach. Could probably used some fliers on your team, huh Optimus?

Back with Frenzy, he’s decided to just straight-up raise Megatron’s core temperature directly. Hope he doesn’t do it too fast; rewarming hypothermia victims recklessly can do some serious damage.

Outside of the base, Lennox and the boys are loading up with weaponry, along with what’s the entirety of Sector Seven′s cannon-fodder department. Oh, and all the main cast. Yep, just got a couple of teenagers chillin’ in the munitions room.

Sam wants Simmons to take him to his car- he hasn’t used Bumblebee’s name in a hot minute, not sure what’s up with that- even though Simmons is currently busy loading a very large gun. Simmons doesn’t want to do that, because he’s got no idea if what Sam mentioned earlier is even true, and he doesn’t want to pin the fate of humanity on a single Camaro. Lennox takes this opportunity to tackle Simmons, despite likely not knowing that Bumblebee is one of the “good guys”. A Sector Seven guy very much doesn’t like that, and points a gun at Lennox, which prompts all of his guys to also start threatening folks with guns.

Mr. Mustache walks in on the scene, but doesn’t do anything, since he isn’t armed and knows better than to tangle with someone who’s packing. Simmons tries to intimidate Lennox, because he must have missed the day of boot camp where they tell you that guns kill people. Lennox is fully committed to shooting this dude in the lungs before Mr. Secretary suggests he give the people what they want, before things get ugly.

Simmons takes everyone to the robot torture department of Sector Seven, where they are still smoking Bumblebee. Geez, you’d think they’d have something in place for if they ever came across another giant robot after Megatron, but I guess not. The gang gets everyone to stop smoking Bumblebee, which allows him to stop moose-screaming and strongly consider murdering everyone involved with his forced captivity. Unfortunately, revenge with have to wait, as we’ve still got to deal with the AllSpark, and the fact that the Decepticons are here.

They take Bumblebee to the AllSpark, where he makes direct contact the thing, causing the AllSpark to transform, compacting itself down into a far more reasonable size that Bumblebee can carry in one hand. It doesn’t seem to weigh more than a grown adult, if his body language is saying anything. I’d make a joke about the conservation of mass being ignored, but since this is Transformers, I can’t really say much. Conservation of mass doesn’t exist for this franchise.

Bumblebee would really like to get this show on the road, and Lennox agrees, quickly formulating a plan to get away from Megatron and taking the AllSpark to Mission City, which is relatively close to their current location, so that they can hide it there.

Lennox, I know this plan is a first draft, and we don’t have a ton of time for revisions, but the whole point of building a whole-ass dam around the Cube™ was because it was very difficult to hide, given its magical MacGuffin powers. Regardless of this flaw, Mr. Secretary agrees. Lennox also asks that the Air Force be involved in this, I guess because the U.S. military wanted more screentime.

Of course, that whole “global blackout” thing is still going on, so we’re going to have to get creative with how we’re going to contact the Air Force. Mr. Secretary and Simmons make a break for the WWII-era radio Sector Seven has, while Lennox and the boys head out to shoot things, and Mikaela and Sam hop into Bumblebee with the Cube™.

This is about the point that Megatron wakes up. The first thing he does is introduce himself, which I thought was very polite of him. Then he breaks out his flail and starts bashing shit around. Not so polite, that.

Over with Bumblebee, we’re shown that the AllSpark, all-powerful object that can create life and is the whole reason this conflict is even happening, is just chillin’ in the back seat by itself. It’s not even buckled up.

Megatron escapes the base, and it’s actually super easy. He just transforms, goes through the tunnel, and he’s free. I feel like we could have at least attempted some security measures for in case the cryo-stasis failed, given that we’ve had this dude in containment for the last 70-something years, but okay.

Starscream comes over to say hi to his boss, not that Megatron gives a shit. He just wants to know where that fucking Cube™ is. When Starscream tells him that the humans have it, Megatron makes a comment about how Starscream has failed him yet again. This is their first interaction in this movie, and Starscream’s been in the story for a grand total of five minutes at this point. I know that this is a reference to their dynamic in just about every installment of the franchise up to this point, but it doesn’t feel earned in the slightest. Even if it’s going to be expanded upon in future sequels, this is a shit-tier way to set their (awful) relationship up.

Not that anyone should ever bank on getting a sequel anyway, but that’s a discussion for another time.

Megatron tells Starscream to retrieve the AllSpark, and then we cut over to the radio plotline. The radio, which is so cobweb-covered I feel like Sector Seven needs to have a serious discussion with their custodial staff, has its nobs and buttons fiddled with by Simmons until it crackles to life. But where are the microphones? Everyone starts looking for the mics, as Simmons pushes Glen into the seat, I guess because hacking modern computers and using Depression-era radio tech are similar enough.

Maddie asks Glen if he can hotwire a 90′s-era computer to transmit a tone through the radio, so that they can send a Morse code message to the Air Force. Which sounds ridiculous to me, but I don’t know enough about radios or computers to know if that sort of thing would be possible. Maybe it’s fine. Or maybe it’s Hollywood bullshit. Who knows?

Back over with Bumblebee, we get a bunch of car commercial shots, of both him and the other Autobots. Aww, the gang’s back together again! Nobody tell Bumblebee that Optimus was completely cool with leaving him to his fate.

Optimus and the gang whip around to join the convoy, and everyone makes their way towards Mission City.

Back at the radio subplot, someone’s bangin’ on the door, trying to get in. The others try to block the intruder, while Glen does his hacking stuff. Mr. Secretary breaks a case and pulls out a gun that’s about as old as he is.

Glen gets the computer working, and Mr. Secretary gives him the Super Secret Military Codewords™ to use to talk to the Air Force. While he does that, Simmons finds a flamethrower and starts burning Frenzy as he attempts to enter the room. The Air Force receives the message for an air strike. Oh, goody.

Over with the convoy, it appears that the Autobots and Lennox’s boys are being pursued by the Decepticons. It’s difficult to tell, seeing as the cameras have gone full Bay-mode, but I’m guessing that’s what’s up. One of the Decepticons flips over a minivan, likely killing a family of five. another causes a multi-car pileup.

Bonecrusher transforms, then Optimus transforms. Bonecrusher iceskates across the highway, slamming into a bus so hard it just straight-up explodes. He is on fire. He tackles Optimus, and they proceed to fall off the side of the raised highway they’re on. Then they beat the shit out of each other, until Optimus decapitates Bonecrusher with his arm-sword.

Yeah, space dad is a little intense in the Bayverse.

Back at Sector Seven, Frenzy’s decided to leave the door alone, and instead is crawling through the ventilation shaft. Mr. Secretary and Simmons fire off shots into the duct above them, as if bullets would do anything against this nasty little pile of needles.

Frenzy bursts through the bottom of the duct and crash-lands into a glass case, taking cover behind a pillar and fires on the humans on the other side of the room. While this shootout is happening, Glen receives a response from the Air Force, just in time for Frenzy to accidentally decapitate himself with one of his own spinning blades of death. This time, he does not survive losing his head.

The Air Force will be sending fighter planes to Mission City, and to establish this, we get several shots of what some might call “military porn.”

Over in the city, the convoy has arrived. Lennox hands several short-wave radios over to Epps, telling him to use them to direct the Air Force when they arrive, so they can take the AllSpark... somewhere, I guess. Above, an F-22 zooms across the sky. It is not one of the Air Force’s F-22s.

Ironhide recognizes Starscream, and gets ready to throw down. Bumblebee grabs a nearby Furby truck and hoists it up to use as a shield. This marginally works, as the missile that hits the truck doesn’t immediately kill him, though it probably did all those Furbies inside.

The resulting explosion throws all the humans around, Mikaela getting weird heaven lighting as she lies unconscious on the pavement. Sam gets it too, though, so I suppose I can’t complain too much about this particular shot. They touch hands. I really wish that I could take this moment of vulnerability as being anything other than an attempt to set up a romance between these two teens who have known each other for maybe half a week. This movie has so starved me of genuine human interaction I'm jumping at the smallest of scraps.

Bumblebee actually didn’t get out of that missile-strike unscathed, his legs having been blown off. All those Furbies died for nothing. Tragic. Sam asks Bumblebee if he’s alright, and immediately tells him to get up. Sam then remembers that Bumblebee’s legs are off, so he yells for Ratchet.

Over with Lennox and Epps, they’ve realized that the plane they saw wasn’t one of theirs. Which, you know, has already been established, but points for getting caught up, fellas. Sam is crying and still telling Bumblebee to get up. Bumblebee is dragging himself across the pavement and whimpering. It’s awful. Where the fuck is Ratchet? This is basically the only reason he’s in this film, and he’s nowhere to be found.

The actual Air Force calls on the radio, asking for their location. Brawl, who is a tank, starts firing on Lennox’s gang. Jazz and Ratchet race through the city streets. How they were separated from the rest of the team is anyone’s guess.

Sam takes a little sit on the pavement to be with Bumblebee, while Mikaela decides to problem-solve and heads for a nearby tow truck. Bumblebee hands Sam the Cube™ because, as the designated protagonist, it’s his job to handle it in the climax of the film.

Ironhide is shot at several times by Brawl, narrowly avoiding being hit each time. This, of course, means that the people he drives by in this shot are almost assuredly dead, since they’re right next to the explosions. He transforms and does a flip, as the film goes slow-mo on a shot of a woman in a low-cut dress watching him flip. She screams. Ironhide screams. I scream, though probably for a different reason.

Jazz jumps on Brawl, managing to kick off a couple pieces of kibble before Brawl grabs him and throws him into the side of a building. Ironhide, Optimus, and Ratchet descend on Brawl, and so does Lennox’s team, Brawl losing a hand and getting thrown into his own building as a result.

Mikaela breaks into the tow truck and starts to hotwire that shit. Wow, a relevant back story that culminates in her being able to save the day, thus completing her arc and staying on-theme for her character. Why isn’t Mikaela the protagonist again?

Oh, right, because ~girl~.

Megatron lands in a nearby alleyway, and Ratchet, knowing this dude is bad news, tells everyone to head for the hills. Jazz isn’t fast enough, however, and gets shot for his troubles.

Mikaela drives the truck over to Sam, who is still sitting there with the Cube™, and tells him to get his ass in gear.

Jazz gets taken to the top of a nearby building and is ripped in two by Megatron, who acts like a bird of prey the whole sequence. Down on the ground, Brawl is starting to get back up from his smackdown. Blackout appears on a nearby skyscraper. Things are looking grim for humanity.

Mikaela and Sam hook Bumblebee up to the tow line as Lennox approaches them. Sam has left the AllSpark out of his line of sight, like a fool. Despite seeing this, Lennox still gives him the flare to let the military know where to pick up the AllSpark. Doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela. He tells Sam to head for the white building with statues on top of it and set the flare on top of the roof. Lennox can’t leave his men, because he’s the head of his operation. Why he can’t send literally anyone else who isn’t a 16 year-old boy isn’t made clear.

Sam really doesn’t want to do this, probably because he’s a child, but Lennox has recruited him to the military against his will, so he must. Lennox then attempts to make Mikaela leave for her own good, but she tells him to fuck off, because she’s gonna save Bumblebee. Clearly, this is a win for feminism.

Epps radios the choppers coming from the Air Force to let them know they’ll be picking up a package from a teenager, thus locking Sam into the job. Ironhide and Ratchet vow to protect Sam from the Decepticons on his way to the pickup point. Not one single person has pointed out how fucked up this is.

Sam starts to run off, when Mikaela stops him to let him know that she’s glad she got in the car with him roughly an hour ago. They don’t kiss goodbye, which, honestly? Good. This fucking movie hasn’t earned that. Sam for sure hasn’t earned that, even if he did clear her juvie record. No word on that having actually been done, by the way. Sam never got confirmation, and I feel like he’s not really the type to follow up on things.

Brawl fires off some shots and makes things explode. Ratchet and Ironhide provide cover fire as Sam sprints down the road. Yep, they’re making this idiot WALK to the pickup point. Sure hope the elevators are working today, otherwise this is going to take forever.

Sam carries the AllSpark like a football, and in a better movie, this would have been foreshadowed by Sam having actually been a football player prior to the events of the film, perhaps removed from the team for some character flaw he’s since grown from/accepted. However, this is Bayverse, and well, men don’t have to justify their existence in the story with things like themes and having even an ounce of thought put into their character.

Back with Mikaela, Lennox has refused to learn her name, calling her “girl” as he screams at her to get Bumblebee hooked up to the tow truck. Which she was already doing when he got here. Lennox, dude, you’ve got a daughter now, you’re super extra not allowed to treat women like this.

Optimus Prime pulls through an alleyway and crashes into a pile of garbage. I can forgive him being late, seeing as he is a big rig, and probably had to take the long way into town so he didn’t get stuck in too-low tunnels. Don’t worry about how we briefly saw him during the Brawl take-down. This is his for real entrance into the climax.

He whips around and transforms, ready to throw the fuck down. Megatron spots him from his perch and descends.

Y’know.

Like a vast, predatory bird.

Megatron shoots at Optimus in his alt-mode, and Optimus catches him like a frisbee. Unfortunately for Optimus, it would appear that the horsepower on a Cybertronian flightcraft is hella intense, and he’s carried away. The two of them crash through an office building, then roll around in the streets punching each other in the face, debating the worth of humanity as they do so. Wish I actually gave a shit about either of these people, but alas! The film spent most of its runtime objectifying women and insulting minorities. I know nothing about Optimus, and even less about Megatron.

Megatron transforms his arms into a laser gun, and Optimus does the same. They shoot at each other. Optimus gets thrown into a building, then lands on the sidewalk below, definitely crushing a dude underneath him, but I guess we didn’t check that the shot was clear for where the CGI was gonna go, so he’s fine.

Sam’s still running through the streets, while Blackout murders, like, so many people behind him. Starscream lands in front of Sam, running into roughly 30 cars as he skids to a halt. Ratchet and Ironhide fire on him, as Sam takes a breather behind a car. Starscream transforms and blasts off. He was here for about 15 seconds. Sam begins running again.

Megatron is now following Sam, because he wants that Cube™. Sam is hit by a car- not an evil one, just a regular car- and trips. The impact makes the AllSpark activate, which grants several machines in the vicinity the gift of life, including the car full of bitchy women that just hit Sam, who are upset that hitting a human being might have scratched the paint.

I get it, you hate women, can we PLEASE stop beating this dead horse?

Sam finally gets to the pickup building, which turns out to be abandoned and fenced off. Good thing the gate was open, otherwise things could get really complicated. He heads inside, Megatron crashing through a floor-to-ceiling window shortly behind him. Megatron makes the claim that he can smell where Sam is. I’m going to choose to believe that he isn’t lying here, since Ratchet did something similar earlier.

Sam finds the stairs, and Megatron calls him a slur.

He doesn’t, really, but the voice modulation certainly makes it sound that way.

While this is happening, Mikaela is driving the tow truck down an alley, dragging Bumblebee behind her with the tow cable. She stops for a moment to have a short breakdown, seeing as she is a teenager in what is currently a warzone.

Sam is still running up the stairs. Outside, the military shoots at one of the Decepticons. It is, of course, doing absolutely nothing to the giant metal space robot. Mikaela concludes her moment, looking back at Bumblebee, who gives her the okay to keep going with dragging his ass across the pavement. She whips the truck around and tells Bumblebee “I’ll drive, you shoot.”

Mikaela then proceeds to speed down a main road of this sizable city backwards, running into cars and more or less shoving Bumblebee along to his destination.

The military has finally realized that their efforts have been pointless, but it’s okay because Bumblebee is here with his superior firepower. Bumblebee proceeds to shoot Brawl in the chest, which kills him. After this, he tries to act cute, lifting up his battle mask in a very “did I do that?” way, as if he’s not the same guy who ripped Barricade apart earlier.

Sam, meanwhile, has finally reached the top of this dilapidated building. Helicopters are approaching his location, but will they make it to him before Megatron does? Honestly, I’d be more worried about Starscream on the building just due East.

Sam is just about to hand the AllSpark over, when Starscream fires at the ‘copter, causing it to crash and nearly chop Sam to pieces. Optimus Prime runs towards the scene, on a roof that I refuse to believe could actually support him. Megatron punches thought the roof from the bottom and asks Sam some philosophical questions. Sam can’t answer, given that he’s hiding on the edge of this building, his flimsy grip on one of the angel statues being the only thing keeping him from falling.

Megatron tells him to give him the AllSpark, and in exchange he might not kill him immediately. Sam tells him to fuck off, and Megatron flails the chunk of building he was hanging on to, causing Sam to fall to his death, thus ending the film.

I’m lying to you. Michael Bay is making me into a liar.

No, Sam is, instead, caught by Optimus, very likely breaking several ribs on impact. This is the point where I realize that they’ve given Optimus fingernails. Sam clings to him like a baby koala, as Optimus parkours down the sides of two buildings, Megatron in pursuit. Megatron actually lands on Optimus 2/3rds of the way down, causing the both of them to fall onto the pavement below. How Sam survives this is a mystery.

Megatron recovers from the fall first, flicking a human away from him for having the audacity to exist in his space. The flicked person hits a car, and is almost assuredly dead. At least, I sure hope so, given that this is the director cameo by the Bayman himself.

Feminist icon Megatron?

Feminist icon Megatron.

Optimus comments on the fact that Sam almost fucking died to get the AllSpark out of dodge, and we get the return of “No Sacrifice, No Victory”. Which, I mean, I guess he’s allowed to say that, since he’s actually had to do something that warranted it. His dad doesn’t get to, though.

Optimus then tells this teenage boy, who has already had a hell of a day, to kill him by shoving the AllSpark into his robot-soul-heart, should he be unable to defeat Megatron.

I dunno, I just feel like it’s a bit of an ask.

Sam climbs off of Optimus so the Prime and Megatron can rumble. He runs through the ruined infrastructure of the city, so he’s less likely to be crushed. Optimus tells Megatron to square the fuck up, stating that “one shall stand, one shall fall.”

Then he gets ragdolled around a bunch, so maybe he should have saved the talk for later in the game.

The military is running around some more, stopping in an alley to see Blackout transform to root mode. Yes, the goo-goo eyes were indeed made by several members of the watch party that started this whole thing. People went wild for Rotor-Cape Johnson.

The fighter jets from the US military are arriving in a minute. Epps warns them to aim for the robots that aren’t evil. Lennox and the gang spread out, reminding each other to aim for the underboob, since Transformers’ armor is weak there. Epps marks Blackout with a little green light, which Blackout almost immediately notices. Blackout fires on the military.

Lennox has stolen a motorcycle and is driving through the streets to circle back around and jump off of the bike, sliding on his back to shoot Blackout directly in his underboob. Wonder what his uniform is rated for for road rash.

Sam is watching as Optimus gets his ass handed to him. Up in the sky, Starscream commits identity theft, and then attacks the Air Force. The Air Force can multitask however, and light Megatron the fuck up. Sam has, for some reason, come out of hiding, and Megatron uses this to his advantage, trying to take the AllSpark from him.

Optimus tells Sam to put the AllSpark in his chest, but Sam has a better idea. He shoves it into Megatron’s chest, which has been basically shot open at this point. Megatron makes a Space Invader noise, convulses a bit, then falls over dead.

Congrats on your first murder, Sam.

Optimus tells Megatron’s corpse that he got what was coming to him, then implies that they’re brothers. What flavor of brother isn’t established, but neither was basically anything between the two main faces of the franchise in this film, so it’s fine.

Ironhide walks up holding the two halves of Jazz. Optimus informs Sam that he now has a life-debt to this child. Whether or not Sam is absorbing any information at this point is up in the air. Mikaela shows up, with Bumblebee in tow.

In tow.

In tow-

Sam stares at her blankly. Mikaela stares back, making the pretty girl face. Man, what a great dynamic these two have.

Jazz is dead. That sucks. Optimus is handed his corpse to hold, while he thanks his new friends for helping out.

Then Bumblebee talks and he’s fucKING BRITISH.

Sam is obviously shocked by the fact that Bumblebee is British able to talk now, since not talking has been his whole thing up to this point. Optimus doesn’t let it phase him. Neither does Ratchet, despite having been working on Bumblebee’s throat injury for centuries at this point.

Bumblebee wants to stay on Earth with Sam. Optimus is just like whatever. Sam agrees to have a sweet Camaro from outer space.

Optimus pulls what is left of the AllSpark out of Megatron’s chest. I’m sure that’s not a setup for potential conflicts, not in the slightest.

Over in Washington, D.C., the US President has ordered Sector Seven be terminated, and all the Transformer corpses be disposed of. And by “disposed of” they mean “thrown into the ocean.” Dang, sure hope Earth signed some sort of agreement with the Transformers so that they never come to Earth again. You know, just be proactive about our galactic safety.

The Linkin Park kicks on, as Optimus gives us our bookend narration, telling us what the Autobots plan to do now that their race is at a genological dead end. As he does, we see Lennox reunite with his wife and child, who I had genuinely forgotten were in this movie.

Optimus is pretty chill with Cybertron dying out, because now they know about Earth. We get a shot of Sam and Mikaela making out, a shot that becomes more and more horrifying the further they zoom out, because they’re making out on top of Bumblebee. Who they KNOW is a sentient creature at this point.

And then it gets even worse, because the shot changes, and oh hey! Turns out that the rest of the Autobots were just chillin’ off to the side while this went down. Optimus continues his monologue, just walking around in his root mode as he tells all of Makeout Point how they’re “robots in disguise” now.

The monologue is actually a transmission he’s sending out into space, inviting any of his leftover pals to come kick it on Earth with them, because Earth is pretty cool.

And that’s where they leave us.

IT TOOK THREE PEOPLE TO WRITE THIS SCHLOCK.

So. Bayverse 1. A film showcasing xenophobia, misogyny, and toxic nationalism. It’s rough. Is it the worst film I’ve ever seen? Not even close, but it’s bad, and it was a huge deal at the time of release. Everyone was seeing it, everyone knew the actors and robots, everyone had a scene that they liked. Everyone was exposed to Bayverse, and as a result, a lot of people entered the Transformers franchise thinking that it was all like this.

And really, how far off would they have been in 2007?

When a franchise refuses to introduce female characters until years after being established, when all those female characters have the exact same body type, when a franchise hires misogynists to write stories, when it allows shit like “Prime’s Rib!” to be published- no wonder Michael Bay was approached to direct.

What a mess.

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COMING SOON:

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN (2009) - MEGAN FOX I AM SO FUCKING SORRY

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON (2011) - WILL YOU JUST STAY DEAD

TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION (2014) - SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW

TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT (2017) - ACTUALLY, FUCK CONTINUITY