#i have so many im midway thru physically

[thelittleredheadedmusician]

I didn’t keep a running tally so I don’t have any clue about physical books except the few I can remember but thanks to Libby I’ve got a list of what I read this past year (there were quite a few that were too awful to finish too).

Audio:

Lockwood & Co: The Screaming Staircase

Lockwood & Co: The Whispering Skull

Lockwood & Co: The Hollow Boy

Lockwood & Co: The Creeping Shadow

Lockwood & Co: The Empty Grave

I’m Glad My Mom Died

Dracula (Daily full cast podcast)

The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy (& up to phase 4 of the original audiodrama)

Good Omens (reread, full cast)

Shakespeare for Squirrels

The Watchmaker of Filigree Street

The Mermaid

The Kingdoms

The Starless Sea

Book of Night

Stars, Hide Your Fires

Husband Material

I Kissed Shara Wheeler

One Last Stop

Enter the Body

Hunger Pangs: True Love Bites Fluff & Fangs Edition

The Dark is Rising (full cast podcast)

The Thief

The Queen of Attolia

The King of Attolia

A Conspiracy of Kings

Return of the Thief

Moira’s Pen

Print:

Thick as Thieves

The Woman in Me

Witches Abroad

Small Gods

Lords and Ladies

The Wicked & The Divine (10 book series reread)

Red, White and Royal Blue (reread)

[seyvetch]

Moved to place I grew up in some months ago tho was away for some time at dacha but just started recalling early school years.....

Very traumatic tho luckly it seems I either forgot or repressed enough detail to spare me the pain but......... not that one thing. Just that singular minute I remembered just now. Details are hazy and they were even just after it happened too. Dont remember why it happened (the final push) or what happened immidiately before or after.

If you read the trigger warning tags you probably suspect what event Im talking about. The one and only time in my life I tried to kill myself. I suggest you dont go reading further if this topic disturbs you or otherwise your curiocity or something else driving you isnt more than negative feelings youd get from it

Well anyway if I recall it was late primary/early middle school. My memmory isnt ythe greatest on the subject of my life in that period or in general tbh. Maybe my brain had to repress so much stuff it just cant form memmories that good now. Well I remember something just clicking. Something was a straw that broke a camels back. I cant recall what it was but I just wept and wanted to die. It was too much suffering for it to be worth living. I climed the stairs to second floor and midway tried to jump head first into stone floor. Dont remember what type of floor exactly but it was certaintly some kind of tiles with concrete underneath to my irrational panicked hormone filled child brain it seemed that I would die. In reality looking back I would probably just recieve head trauma. I remember my classmates physically stopping me and me feeling someyhing I dont quite recall about that fact. Was it anger that they didnt let me end my existance? Confusion that they stood by or participated in my bullying of which I cant recall any of it now thankfully or sadness that they only bothered to do something about my situation when I was there and not at any point before. Probably a mix of all those.

You know what the person from school told me in regards of why I should do this? "How would your parents feel about this?" as some sort of persuasion to not kill myself. I of course didnt kill myself or attempted for that matter any more in my life nor extent of my self harm was beyond picking at my dried cuts but it is more of a bad habbit or a stim. But you know what I think about that statement? What would my parents feel if I killed myself? As a measure of preventing suicide? It might be effective but many times its been the only reason I didnt go thru with it. What would others feel. How would that affect others. Sure it can be like a part of it but its cruel that my only reason to live many times was someone else. I mean it in this way: Im not living for me. Im not living bc I want to live in these cases. That fucked me up. I think it built a bit of resentment to those who would just be upset of I died or somehow were hurt. Bc I didnt learn how to find a reason for me to live an actual reason I learned to force myself to live for others. Its not a good coping strategy at long term. It just stops the main symptom and not the cause of it. For I dont know how long now. Years? I barely felt the drive to live. The WANT to live. The will to live. In some sense I think I might have died long ago. I do of course have wonderful moments that feel my whole being with happieness and pure desire to live to thrive but they are so fleeting... and I dont have the luxiry of good memmory to remember them for long if at all. And if I dont even have the motivation to love I barely take care of myself. Especially since most of the time my mental health and what can I only describe as disability manifested (from what I suspect many smaller causes maginfied by each other (death by a thousand paper cuts as it were)) making it harder. And there is barely any support. Most of time I bring up my issues they are eiyher didsmised as being blowm out of proportion or Im told to dealt with it die to my age or fact that Im "a man" (which also hurts bc Im femining leaning trans).

Now dont worry Im mot gonna do anything to myself I just needed to vent but I am in a bad mental space and its been i decline lately and I might not respond much or at all for some time and thanks for all who msg me it makes me feel slightly better and hopefully it will start becoming better in general soon.

Thanks for reading heres a pic of a cat I took as thanks for you actually going thru this.

[offendedbydjinns]

fandom is asleep post wildcards au

its under a cut cause im full of fear

whenever i go back to this au i go to bravo team/joseph cause i gotta. i miss them

theres 2 seperate aus for wildcards, the main au and joker au where everybody is a joker cause its fun. for reference, in wildcards a joker is somebody who’s suffered from rapid mutation/physical deformities due to exposure to the virus. ive based their mutations on stuff they got murdered by in-canon. it should be noted that nobody gets increased aggression or a hunger for human flesh or whatever. its mostly just sort of weird

joseph is dogs. i tried to make him look like a bull terrier cause they got cool faces but its hard. he doesnt have a full muzzle, hes like a midway point in a werewolf transformation, or an animorphs cover. the puppers share an emotional link/w him but they still do their own thing

Edward also got murdered by puppers and i dont wanna do them twice so hes a fridge. i dont know why. his body temperature has dropped rapidly and his skin is harder than normal. he also has monkey feet cause fuck it. in the canon au he gets hypothermia and dies

i can never get richard’s proportions right but hes basically a naga, or a long gila monster with really sad legs. we’ll never know if he’s venomous or not cause its not like he goes around biting people

kenneth doesnt look any different on the outside but his tissues have become stringy and wormlike, and can regenerate faster than normal. his parts can also function separately. he has to hold his head in place for 2/3rds of the mansion

ill be honest im not keeping this design. forest has gone thru so many redesigns. all i know is one-eyed birdman=check. im leaning towards more monstery than not cause its fun

i was gonna draw rebecca but the mood passed and i chickened out

EDIT. I LIED I RE-DISCOVERED ENRICO

SUPER not final design. drawing spidermens is hard. in the canon au he gets killed via TREACHERY but in joker au everybody loses. still no rebecca im sorry everyone