#i have too many feelings and not enough irl friends to talk to abt this

[sungbeam]

spread some love !

talk about your favourite mutuals and why you like them

hi anon! thanks for sending this in :') im always so bad at posting these things, but i can def do this one. i don't know if i would classify them specifically as favorites, but more so people i've interacted with the most 😭

@justalildumpling : i don't even need to go on besides saying that this woman is my soulmate. "in another life" but we're gonna beat the universe and meet in every life, type of connection. the girl who has seen me at my worst and has still treated me with as much kindness and compassion and care as she did the first time. i feel like in certain ways, we're kind of polar opposites, but also the same? i mean, on paper we can be so different, but when we talk abt what we like and dislike, when we laugh together, it all becomes something of the same and she restores my faith in other people again. she's the person who constantly makes me want to be a better person.

@ethereal-engene : one of my two beloved 姐姐's on this site skfnrknf but i remember talking to ash so many nights abt just any and everything. i am so happy that we're comfortable enough to be able to joke around, share our niche interests, have deep conversations, and even pen pal!! like i think it's crazy how SIMILAR our families are; we could legitimately be long lost sisters haha but also the blood of the covenant runs thicker than the water of the womb sometimes, so that makes sense. she's one of my comfort people, and honestly, i feel like we both come out of nowhere with some topics, but either person will hop right into the convo regardless and just vibe 🤧

@winterchimez : my second 姐姐 on this site !! my older sisters def take care of me well and i am so grateful for that :')) ally is always so supportive and yet so energergizing to talk to. she's def seen a lot of my brainstorming and i feel very comfortable bouncing ideas off her. she's always so generous with me too, like care packages??? RAH 😭 obviously, i love her for reasons besides the material goods, but it's a love language nonetheless. ally is prob one of the warmest and most welcoming presences on this hellsite tbh, so if ur ever looking for a new friend/mutual, she's the best.

@loveliestfelix : nana is another reason why im still around. i like to thank that beomgyu drabble every day for kickstarting our friendship because i have never met someone i have had such lengthy and fun brainstorming sessions with. nana is the type of person i would love to meet irl and just share stories over coffee with, though i feel like i always associate her with train rides and coffee now HAHA she's also one of my greatest writing inspirations, like i was and have always been blown away by her mind, and her word counts. i love calling her the queen of angst, and you will never be disappointed when reading something of hers.

@jaehunnyy : chip's been here for a really long time, like guys, no one can compete when she's been here since i had park jisung as my pfp and she had jeno as hers 😭 i think i really treasure our friendship and how much it's grown over the past two years :')) so much has happened over that time, and i think that if i met her in real life, i would just be blown away by how pretty she is like TT anyways,, i always love talking to her because of how much chaotic energy we create when we do, like i feel like we can power an entire city grid with how much chaos we make, and it's all the better for it. i love her very much, and i hope she understands just how wonderful of a person and friend she is.

@mosviqu : oh, my beloved bar, i love u to bits and pieces. i think recently you've become one of the few reasons why im still here writing and posting. like i am so utterly, from the bottom of my heart, grateful for all of your support and the love you've given and shown me. and even when we moved to dms to converse, i just realized how cool you are as a person, and how similar we are (in the best way possible). it's really nice to be able to connect with a person on multiple levels, and im really happy that was the case with us :') as soon as i saw ur love for tomorrow by chanyeol, i knew there would be something more to our friendship. i am so very fond of you, and your writing blows me away every time i read it.

@zzoguri : moni :( i hope ur doing well, friend, and i know you haven't been active here lately but i do wish you all the best. i love how passionate and committed you are to improving in writing and developing your own creative writing style, and it's so impressive to read your writing in general :') i love the confidence you advocate for yourself, and how real you are. thanks so much for being a friend; i just really appreciate all the support and hype you've given me during my time on deobiblr, like thank you for being such a thoughtful person.

@wuahae : cat and i have definitely interacted more off this site than on this site, but i felt that it was dire she was included here nonetheless. like bro, thank you for literally being the reason i come out of my apartment (or in most cases, invite people to my apartment), and for thinking of me! i think i once told you how hard it is to find friends in college, but you've made my experience here far less lonely. i love getting dinner with you, planning outings, and making weird animal noises together on the streets 😭 also, cat's writing is literally so poetic, and just her explaining to me her plot ideas tears visceral reactions out of me TT

@yunhoszn : i feel like me and fawn are low-key on the same wavelength a lot of the times, but in general, i think fawn's just such a rad person. i've told her once or twice before but i genuinely love her writing style because it has so much personality in it. it just makes reading her fics such a fun and enjoyable experience. also even off this site, i have so much fun interacting with her, like just commenting on her instagram posts like the gremlin i am, i know she's gonna hit me with the best response back skfnkejd (waiting for the day i go to where u r so u can do my makeup low-key... ur so fly, pls do my makeup...)

@goldenhypen : em, my lovely twin :')) i know our interactions have def decreased, but i don't think that's decreased the fondness we hold for one another. i remember when em first started interacting with my works and then followed me, i literally rolled off the couch cuz i started fangirling 😭 and she is one of the most genuine and brightest presences here. she is a follow forever, bro, you better follow her forever. i just adore her compassion for others and her absolutely adorable fic concepts, and omg don't even get me started on her work ethic 😭 i wished u the best everyday you had requests, i don't know how u did it. you are literally superhuman.

@hqrana : i haven't spoken with noa in quite awhile, but im guessing it's cuz she's girlbossing her way through to that nursing program 🤧 my favorite woman in stem girl in this hellsite, she is my beloved xnonie 😭 i think i just appreciate noa's undeniable presence and character so much, like she brings so much energy to my inbox whenever she's here, and her support of my ideas and fics just makes me 🙇🏻‍♀️ like thank you for being here. and to know we both love marvel and taylor swift? i feel like she has to be like,, my best friend? like she needs to be my best friend?? sending hugs and well wishes your way, always.

[lumibye]

hii charm !! if i can ask , how did u fall in love with sycamore ? how / when did he fall in love with u ? i hope ur having an amazing day ! - @catake

yaaay hi hello clara & yes of course !! tysvm for letting me gush aa i hope you're doing amazing too ! ♡

if it's ok i'm going to answer this for irl + in lore bc i don't talk abt either nearly enough & now i have express permission to - it's ok now ! ( this will be long . . . )

pkmn x & y came abt during a v important time in my life ;; ( so that probably contributes to it a little ? ) and he's been a bit  of a mainstay crush ever since but it never reeally went beyond ' oh this man is v silly ' /a

when playing swsh i hyperfixated on the series hard so i read a bunch of fanfic & wiki entries ( for the franchise in gen . ) and his character kind of took me by surprise ? like yes he's a dork but he felt so safe ?  v compassionate & lovely and his values align a lot w my own ?

that and passionate people are just such a draw for me - if you're passionate abt anything to the point you can talk for hours that's v endearing to mee ehe (｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )

꒰ lore stuff under the cut ! ꒱

( im so excited eek ; )

marianne is a v reserved , anxious person w a lot of baggage that moves to kalos to restart her life ( she thinks of it like burying the person she was back home ) and plot stuff means augustine and her end up working together , however in a non-professional context . at first she perplexes him - she's a performer / idol adjacent but people seem to be her biggest fear ?

doesn't really make sense but who is he to judge .

he's genuinely concerned abt this girl that moved half way across the world that seems a bit adrift - he sympathises w her - when he moved to kalos he felt a similar way . so yea they are genuinely working together and have a mutual friend / acquaintance in serena ( seeing as she's part of the contest circuit as well ) but sometimes its an excuse to take her to cafes and touch base w her via holo caster and stuff . it eventually gets to the point where they're genuine friends and when she does open up eventually after however many months he's like woa this sad thing is actually full of whimsy and wow when she gets philosophical it's actually really endearing . she's sentimental ? and dreamy ? full of childlike wonder ??

they find out they're kindred spirits in a lot of ways ! lots of mutual pining - they don't acknowledge it at all or dare to entertain it ; marianne thinks he'd never see her that way ( esp w how lysandre treats her ) and sycamore doesn't want to muck up a friendship like this w the weight of a confession and what that'd mean for their dynamic moving forward . he knows she'd feel like death if she'd have to reject him . esp once the geosenge incident happens . the roles basically flip ! and it takes him a while to admit he's not ok . he's good at hiding it but she knows better . after a bit tho he lets himself be vulnerable and its then he knows for sure he loves herjdhs ;;

[koscheicore]

Rant about invisible illnesses, people's asshole behaviours, professional erasure, ableism etcetc + a bit of personal stuff

Yesterday I kind of... started crying bcs I was reading on fibromyalgia. I have read about it before several times, not only because it's plausible I could have that - or something with similar symptoms - but also because I just like to read on these things, and how people experience them.

However, what got me crying wasn't really the possibility of having it, the lack of explanation so far for my pain, but rather how many people affirm they don't get proper care for it, how many professionals believe it's not even real, how their pain is erased because it's not visible. How they're told they're too young to be feeling it, if they are young, and that's it, often refusing to look for any causes it's a years long battle to even get minimal help for it and then, when the pain gets unbearable it's not enough for the ER. People with fibro, and many other invisible illnesses, are thrown under the bus constantly. And it fucking sucks.

Today I talked about it a bit, and how idk where my pain stems from, and someone decided to tell me that they've heard fibro isn't even real. To all I said abt my pain, that's what they said.

Idk if I have it, but I don't need to have it, to have felt a deep sting as they said that. How I remember also how ppl irl around me genuinely believed widely that ADHD wasn't real in the early 2000s, too. And would tell that to people with a diagnosis even, upon learning they had it. What's the need? What do they get out of that? They read it somewhere and felt the need to say it, without any further research? Idk. Shit like this really hurts, even if it's something I'm not affected by or have the possibility to be, it really fucking hurts, because that's how people end up not having appropriate help and going through constant living hell.

It's definitely hurt me more to not be believed about my mental illnesses than to live with them. To try to reach out just to be dismissed, by friends I trusted, by family members, and fucking hell, by professional after professional. When people listen, and try to understand, even if they don't know how to support you, that's important, that helps. And that's when I started managing better, when people listened. Doesn't mean my issues got better, just that I was more willing to take care of myself, to try and get better or at least make things easier for myself.

Telling someone it's not real, that's just helping them blame themselves, think it's their fault, internalise self-hatred and feelings of worthlessness because well, if it's not real they shouldn't be struggling yeah? They shouldn't be complaining, they don't deserve help because it doesn't exist in the right place, yeah? That's what you're implying when you say it's not real. That's how you deter people from seeking help, even self-help if professional help isn't available (or they don't want to give it to you because let's face it. often they don't.)

And that's also why it's taken me so long to say anything about my pain to doctors, because well, I have been told I'm too young, too. And I'm tired. I'm not a good advocate to myself when it comes to getting help, because I'm just used to being dismissed, and it's tiring to fight, it's easier to swallow it up and keep living in the same struggle than to try to get help only to end up crying because you won't get it bcs incompetent so-called professionals. To lose friendships because of it too.

Idk. Just kinda had to get that out, I guess. Anyways, I have medical tests this month, so let's see how that goes.

[novemberthewriter]

between home & the other hard place [650 wds]

a character sketch of candida “dodie” james

genre: literary/drama (lightly-edited discovery writing for one of my WIPs, the horror/dark fantasy project ‘dagmar’. we learn a bit abt dodie: the black sheep of her family, & best friend to zeke, our protagonist)

[cw: emotional negect/abuse, implied self-harm]

–

A BIT OF THE BEFORE [for dodie]

The best thing Kendra James ever does is reupholster all the shag carpeting in the house. This makes it much easier for Dodie to wallow overnight in the corner of her bedroom.

Sometimes, if she’s got her good PacSun hoodie on (with the thumb holes and the built-in earbud drawstrings that connect to her iPod), and some fuzzy socks, she doesn’t even need to use a blanket. The nights will start with a racing mind and end in the deep, drugged-without-drugs sleep that depression causes so many people to fall into. 

Even this rare good thing from Kendra has Bad attached. Side effect of these plush-carpet-pillowed nights: as easily as racing thoughts and slumber come, so too does morning, missing the bus, incurring Kendra’s wrath for needing a ride. Dodie prays on these days for Grandma Dolly to feel well enough to drive her instead of Kendra ‘Can Never Be Late For Work’ James. Then Kendra’s schedule changes, and Dolly’s health declines, and suddenly it’s easier in these times for Dodie to call herself in sick (the attendance office at the high school always falls for her Kendra impression). 

The thing is, ever since the family split and Dad and Little Denny went off their own way, it’s actually less work for Kendra to be stuck with an ailing mother and depressed daughter instead of them two plus Dad the Manchild and Denny the Actual Rowdy Schoolboy. When Dodie’s not thinking of herself as The Big Disappointment, she is able to muster a bit of grace to speculate (privately) that Kendra’s become a nightmare because she’s feeling like a failure for not holding the family together.

Listen. Dodie’s also just tryna survive – between home, and the other hard place where hardly anyone connects with her: school.

When Dodie (having finally accepted that her first Black geek friend is not an online figment of her imagination but someone who exists in her town, in her same school) starts talking to Zeke offline, she’s surprised to learn Zeke cares nothing about her massive follow/friend count. “I have an extension to hide all that shit,” she tells Dodie.

“But can’t other people still see it?”

“Yeah, but I can’t, which is all I care about.”

Other Things Zeke Cares About:

Dodie’s nail care (Dodie will never again rock chipped black polish & chewed-up nailbeds while Zeke has an acrylic kit @ home) 

Dodie’s makeup (“You can still be all goth and spooky but let’s do it CLEAN!”)

Under Zeke's hand, Dodie sees things about herself gloss over in some areas and come together, less ABC Extreme Makeover and more like using the Photoshop sharpening tool IRL. One day, she makes the mistake of leaning into the never-before-received curious attention of alt onlookers at school – only to be met with a Greek Chorus of Jeers (Tryhard, Wannabe, Poser, White Chocolate, and so many dumbass Marilyn Manson puns involving slurs). Zeke’s not there to protect her (Dodie would never expect her to be, Zeke’s her own person, not Dodie’s guard dog), and anyway, Dodie found out the consequences of being a Black Girl Fighting Back in the white town of Dagmar early on in life. She knows that her best chance of survival in this, as with everything, is to take it on the chin. To stay grateful for the few good things she has. 

THE REALITY NOW [for zeke]

Dodie dies.

The remaining James family moves away before Zeke can process anything. Consensus among the people of Dagmar who notice is that the death was by Dodie’s own hand. And Zeke’s not saying she wholly disagrees with that (Kendra’s shitty enough that Zeke can imagine many people being driven to the edge by her), but she feels a hole like a missing puzzle piece, and the hole is what her friend left in her, but it’s also wonder – What exactly befell Dodie James? 

Who else but Zeke cares enough to find out?

[faunabel]

i took a nap! and my dream was long (well, not really) and complicated.

soo... dream journal time!

oh shit i dont know how to do the read more on mobile well pretend this has a read more and maybe if we imagine hard enough the tumblr gods will put one here

JK im on desktop later here's a read more

it involved me talking on discord to one of my mutuals ^-^ who i was nervous wanting to Impress. and they said england is hot and i was taken aback (sort of. more complicated than that but whatevs.) but also like u arent wrong. england is overhated these days i would maybe date or sleep with him is all im saying. i was speaking to a few diff mutuals on discord but especially excited/nervous to speak to this one.

blurry for a second.

and then a dog pounced on me. and this little old lady ran a training school i was for some reason in. but it was a Psychological training school meant to strengthen your mind apparently. it was popular in canada so i was excited one opened up down here for some reason. they had one where i used to live in florida so i was happy they had one in my new state, and with dream logic i'd moved 0.2 seconds ago so yknow. and the lady was training a lot of animals especially a dog and this one dog was not well trained so he bit onto my arm, and i stood there in horror for a few seconds, not wanting to move to do minimal damage, until she came and bitched at him for acting up, so he let go. and she was like yeah this is why i run a training school.

and her house was tiny so it was in her backyard. she had me follow her to the back where it looked like a dog park. all dirt and dust and equipment. no grass. i thought it looked nice in the dream altho now that im awake it looked pretty crap. but actually i thought it was nostalgic like playgrounds u go to as a kid. it looked like a dog park. also apparently she hammered in one of the rules for me. i forget what it was exactly but later she specified it was related to "the treadmills."

suddenly it was no longer me but a group of people who were all friend and who i identified as being friends with. but i myself was no longer there. and these people were eager to try out the equipment.

tw body horror for this part

pretty sure this is impossible irl but for one of them, this girl pushed her two friends down onto this sheet of barbed wire, and i guess what's supposed to happen is that it pierces your outer layer of skin, but she pushed way too hard and pierced many layers of skin. what you're supposed to do is pierce a few and pull yourself off. it hurts and builds your pain tolerance. the old lady was like oh shit i fixated so much on explaining how to be careful on the treadmills that i forgot this. and the people on the barbed wire were in pain slowly ripping through each layer of skin to minimize the damage. they accidentally leaned back in Pain so their arms also got attached but just the few outer layers so it only hurt a bit to pull them off. like stinging pin pricks. totally tolerable but still unpleasant.

the girl had been so excited btw she just shoved them down hard and didn't realize it would cause problems. i could feel the pain and fear of these people it was ouchie.

also i was trapped consciously. strapped down. unable to move unless i agonizingly ripped spiky metal through my skin all at once to get away. i have many nightmares abt being trapped lol.

then randomly the mlpfim ponies showed up. and they started triggering my severe emetophobia which i dont even wanna talk abt. it was more hinted at than anything but i was scared being trapped like that. also a common theme in my nightmares.

then fluttershy who felt Ill decided to go upstairs (we were suddenly in a basement but also not really bc the initial house had stairs too and was bigger and fancieron the inside than it seemed. that bitch had an aquarium against the wall. and fancy dark wood.) to make food for the others and herself to feel better. and since this dream was like a movie "i" the consciousness followed her upstairs to watch her. and she prepared something that had marshmallows on top i think.

and then i woke up.

also at some point the people strapped down were jeremy and candance from pnf i think. or timmys mom and dad. my brain smashed a bunch of junk together.

[florenceisfalling]

gripping [redacted irl person] by the shoulders.

it does not matter how many r/egg_irl astolfo memes you pull up quite literally asking for random people (including cishets you just met???) to figure out your gender for you. the other queers are not going to feel safe around you when you spend your entire time on campus harassing people, misgendering transmascs in romantically/sexually charged ways, and getting a trans woman (who you Also misgender!) kicked out of her fucking housing. using "i wanna be a girl but im still cis though 👉👈" doesn't come across as endearing anymore when you tell younger transmascs that you wanna make them your gf and have kids with them, or when you used to tell everyone you were a cishet dude and literally fucking ran to physically chase down lesbians you'd never spoken to walking alone at night, or when you. I REITERATE. got a fucking trans woman kicked out of her dorm while calling her a man!! force her to switch to different housing by calling the fucking campus police on her because youre sad!!! and then lie saying she called them on you!!!! the only reason i felt bad for you and was nice to you was bc i thought you were just a sad maybe-autistic maybe-ace person who needed friends (and then maybe-trans maybe-woman maybe-lesbian) but your college experience seems dedicated to making life as hard as possible for every autie, trans person, woman, ace person, lesbian, and various mixes of the above you encounter - and then fucking lying and threatening everyone you consider your "friends" to get what you want after they repeatedly ask you to stop. i had enough of this when my exfriend fucking molested a girl and then said "i think i might be a transbian" as a poor attempt at an excuse (as if tgirls get away with that shit? as if they arent horribly scrutinized??) until all his cis guy friends forgot abt the girl's trauma and then went back to "nvm im a cishet guy :)" once everyone was chill with him again. i am fucking beyond tired of it now that its someone pulling the "i think i might be a transbian too" after fucking up so bad you couldve made a tgirl homeless and openly misgendering and mistreating other tgirls and sexually harassing other queers and refusing to spend any time around trans people (except for those you perceive as cis women - of course, including trans people who don't pass to your liking). stop asking me to decide whether your egg needs cracked or not and start treating trans women (and everyone else, too, what the fuck is wrong with you??) with respect and maybe you'll get some satisfying advice (since you didnt take mine) but at this point everyone is either scared of you or fucking hates you and theres not a single trans person ive met on this campus who has anything to say about you other than "oh yeah, that person stalked me/my friends". like sorry if im a little hesitant to validate you (AS IF YOU DESERVE IT AFTER CALLING SECURITY ON A TGIRL TO KICK HER OUTTT MY GOD I HATE YOU) but you also said "oh dont worry im ace :)" after sending weird sexual shit to someone (after they asked you to fucking QUIT) so youre not new to using your identity as a shield and now turning around and talking abt how you MAYBE are HYPOTHETICALLY a tgirl teehee but you cant decideeeee doesnt change the fact that your actions suck ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!! EXPLODE

[mav-the-artist]

Hey guys.

Slight vent i guess. It's nothing drastically serious, but putting up a warning anyways. It's me complaining abt work and my ability to interact online.

under a cut, as it's a bit lengthy.

As the year comes to a close, I think about my milestones. Yeah, I've made a few friends since making a twitter finally. i've made a lot of improvement on my art. i've also figured out my gender. my life in general has been really good, since leaving a bad situation a year and a half ago. for the most part i'm happy where i'm at now.

except one thing.

work.

it's getting to me, working 40+ hours a week and hardly having any time at home to myself, let alone interact with my mutuals and friends. i feel bad. there's a lot of people i want to interact with and get to know more, but i have to sacrifice so much of my time off work to take care of irl stuff, family, etc.

and i have so many ideas for art, SO MANY. ideas of ocs i wanna draw from my mutuals/followers/people i follow, my fursona that i've been wanting to design FOR MONTHS, and so much more. my notes app on my phone deadass is FULL of ideas i get. but by the time i get home, all my motivation almost always is drained. i feel like a hollow void. and when i do draw, i never have enough time or energy to put more effort, more details or fully render. i've noticed my art has looked half-assed lately due to this.

after work, if my friends are in a group call, i end up just hanging out in the call not doing a goddamn thing otherwise. i enjoy hanging out with friends greatly, don't get me wrong, it's just i don't have motivation most of the time to draw while chatting in vc. hell, i don't even play video games half the time cuz i'm too tired to even do that. and there's so many games i bought this year that i only played once/never played yet because i'm too busy working/drained after work.

to my friends, mutuals, and followers who want to interact with me: i'm sorry i cant talk more or talk to you at all. i want SO BADLY to interact in fandom spaces more and make more friends, but work and fatigue is beating my ass relentlessly. however, even if we've talked a few times/rarely talk, i don't get friendship decay. we're still friends even if we don't talk in a while! and know i appreciate all my mutuals/followers greatly and will do my best to interact more.

i may be able to talk to my boss about going down to part time, as my mom and i did some number crunching and we could make it work. this would fix my problems massively, as i could finally achieve a work/life balance that i can actually function in.

in the end, i want this year coming up to be better than this one. yes, i've done a lot this year. but the next big thing is trying to talk to more than just like. 3 people online. and make more art, and improving my mental health.

don't expect this to be a reoccurring thing with me venting, as most of the time i'm a happy person. but i had to get this out. you can see why, lol

[idealspawn]

tbh now that i think of it i kind of needed him not for himself but for myself too. so that is fucked up a bit maybe from my side too. like that i needed someone secure enough to kind of mm trust them and be truly honest and transparent and loving and giving but not because i so very much loved them and wanted to give TO THEM but to see if i can trust myself to let myself be giving. if that makes sense. to let myself try be securely attached. but not necessarily because im madly in love. but like train my vulnerability. he said he read my poem and it was nice, cheesy at times but with good parallels and metaphores. i explained one part to him more in detail too bc it was pretty open to interpretation. he said he will write it down but i dont think he will. but it also feels so cringe because he was meant to read it when he still had feelings for me. also a good um.. stepping stone for me i guess. to admit i have feelings for someone still when they dont, although im acc not too sure myself how much i was truly madly attached either. feels good to swallow my pride though. i also tend to lose feelings when ppl arent attracted to me which is good. i dont have a problem w chasing him. im attracted to ppl being attracted to me which in a way, from me, is also a bit fucked up. he also didnt become a part of my real immediate daily routine as i didnt really text w him too much. we just were together irl a lot and really present in those times. and i also made sure i didnt abandon my friends this time so i still massively have my support system w me. but it sucks a bit bc i literally talked abt him to so many of my friends but its okay like i dont owe anyone anything to last just bc i talked abt it. and shit changes. just bc i said sth true in one moment doesnt mean i has to stay true forever or that now that it isnt true anymore that it couldnt have been immensely true at one point. one thing that was pretty fucked up tho is that he told me he wanted to have sex w me just bc he was looking for certainty and answers abt his feelings from there not bc he acc felt connected to me. like i usually.. want to be intimate when i feel love not disconnect..... and now he said he didnt find it from there. but like.. we were literally both so high and it was such a bad situation. no wonder you cant feel a spark bc i was literally numb like a vegetable. he said he knows it was a bad decision but like why do you take this situation to tell you clues abt what next then. and like. the same way with all our previous hangouts when i felt sth off. like the reason it was off was bc he was off and not fully honest abt it. it felt like such a relief when he said all the words out so rawly at last and i felt i could come out of this weird anxious shell of a performance i had on w him the past few times bc of the way i felt sth was weird but i couldnt tell what it was so i couldnt fully be normal myself either. so like the last times he gave me "chances" couldnt have been proper chances to show him anything true bc it didnt feel like... normal. there was an elephant in the room that was standing right between us. but he refused to address it when i tried to. i guess i got my answer that its not that im weird that i keep getting into these awk situations but that the other person feels weird and that is the thing affecting me. im fucking normal. i cried a bit too like its not that i am not affected by it at all but i think im kind of fine. i anyway didnt see him for 2 weeks now. its just weird bc we had plans which made us be together daily for like 2 weeks straight and um. i dont know if i can do that. even if we are friends bc i dont usually do that w my friends really. its weird. but like. fuck idk.

[commaclear]

Hi comma

I'm not a minor, but I know there's a lot of minors in tntblr and I've been on the internet long enough to realize way farther down the line that I've been in very unsafe online environments before.

I guess I'm saying this because of the new information that came out about that cc called kwite. I just keep on thinking about how uncomfortable it sometimes makes me to be in the fandom of such a homoerotic ship and know so many fans are probably only 15 years old. It seems to be really safe so far despite that, and the soap opera you have going on in your inbox is hilarious, but I guess I'm just worried that this could change.

I absolutely wouldn't be surprised if you delete this ask, it's pretty uncalled for. I'm sorry. But I guess I'm sending this ask because I'm still a bit younger than you, and wanted to know if you had advice for staying safe in online communities.

Only if you're okay with answering, of course. I really hope this wasn't too upsetting to read. I love your work, and I really hope you get that surgery you've been waiting on soon. Get well <3

I really do worry abt younger ppl in this fandom bc the internet safety things that were common when I was fifteen are becoming less and less common, so I would actually love to list a few

Do not share personal info, especially in your bio or pinned post and especially if it could be used to track you down irl (e.g. which city you live in, where you go to school, pictures of a local library/coffee shop/restaurant, your birthday, pictures of your face)

Tumblr is different from places like Facebook or Instagram because you are under no obligation to tell anyone your real name or show anyone your real face, you can and should embrace internet anonymity here because it's one of the last major websites where you can do so

Just saying you are a minor is enough (and you don't even have to do that, no one is entitled to know how old you are), you don't have to go out and tell everyone exactly how old you are because that opens the door for weirdos

You will know if something makes you uncomfortable, trust yourself and listen to that instinct. Even if you can't explain why a certain person/fic/art made you feel uncomfortable, listen to that feeling. Trust your gut feelings because they will figure out something is bad long before you figure out if goes against your boundaries in some way. Children are taught to ignore gut feelings like that, "Oh, it's not a big deal, go give your creepy uncle a hug or you're gonna hurt his feelings". But especially on the internet, where you can end up in dangerous or traumatizing territory without even realizing it until it's too late, you need to listen to your first instinct.

Just to harp on the above point a bit, if talking to someone makes you feel anxious, if you ever have to hype yourself up before you go to message a certain friend because sometimes the things they say make you feel weird, if talking to someone ever makes you feel weird about yourself or second guess things, if they ever ask you to do something you're not comfortable with (even if it's not at all sexual!! If you're talking to a mutual, and you mention you broke your foot and they ask to see the cast, if that makes you uncomfortable this still applies) If any of that happens, take a step back. Distance yourself from the person who made you uncomfortable for about a week and reassess how you feel. If there have been other times they've made you feel weird or uncomfortable, block them. It is totally okay and even expected to block people on Tumblr for literally any reason. It is always better safe than sorry. If this is the first time they've made you feel weird, explain the situation to them and establish a boundary. If they break that boundary, then it's blocking time. It might seem harsh, but to cultivate a safe online experience, you have to have safe people around you, and safe people respect boundaries 100% of the time.

tl;dr don't share unnecessary personal information with strangers on the internet, and if anyone makes you uncomfortable for any reason, do not hesitate to block them. You don't owe anyone anything.

And as tntblr's appa, I've gotta put this out there. If you feel unsafe in our online space or you're not sure what to do about something making you uncomfortable, then my dms are an open, judgement-free zone. I will do my best to help you out, and at the very least, I'm a pretty good listener. Sometimes all you need is a sanity sounding board.

[veganfairie]

My friend who has been "vegan" (eating mostly plant based) for about 8 months just informed me that they are going back to eating animals bc it was too hard on their eating disorder to be vegan. I tried to talk to them about what specifically was hard and offered to help them find solutions and they told me that they were more just informing me of their decision. I said that this wouldn't impact our friendship long-term, but that I think their choice here is immoral and I'm going to be upset about it. The more I think about it, the more angry I get. I don't know how to move forward being friends with someone who is actively aware of the harm done to animals and won't do anything to help them, even if it's just being vegetarian. I can't talk abt this to my irl friends bc none of them are vegan. Any advice?

hi love thank you for asking !! 🥰 this is going to be a LONG one 💗

if your friend used to be passionate about animal rights and knew all about the abuse involved in animal agriculture but suddenly changed her mind about it and now doesn't see the issues as important, it is valid to feel uncomfortable. it can definitely be rough to see and if it something you can't handle, you are not obligated to stay in each others lives. veganism is a social justice movement just like feminism and if my feminist friend turned into an anti feminist i don't think i could keep being their friend

if she still wants to see a vegan future, you can simply remind her about the original definition! currently being unable to eat plant based doesn't mean one can't be an ethical vegan as long as they avoid all the forms of animal exploitation they can possibly avoid. :) tell her that she doesn't have to abandon everything once important to her just because she has to give a part of them up.

eating disorders are deadly. it is important to remember that despite the fact that it can look like just being a fussy eater to others, every meal, every thought about food can trigger extreme anxiety. putting too much focus on food, calories, nutrients can trigger a relapse or a downward spiral. many of us have only a few safe foods. for many they are things like eggs or cottage cheese and taking away even one safe food can have very negative consequenses. it would be best for her to focus heading towards recovery, keeping as safe as possible. once she is recovered enough you can start making yummy vegan meals together again and start focusing on the diet aspect again.

you can also tell your friend that she can always message me about this subject since i know about being an eating disordered vegan and would love for both of you to find the tools to make your friendship one that makes both of you happy. if she feels comfortable i can definitely chat with her about being an eating disordered vegan 💗

friends are important but so are our ethical values so there isn't really one answer here. just have a long thought session about it and communicate clearly about how you both really feel inside. i'm sure you will end up doing well 🌸💗🎀🌸☁️💗🎀🌸☁️

[capricioussun]

How does the whole gang feel about your monster sona? You can write about the ones with a stronger reaction if you want.

Hi hello this is a very cute ask ty!! I always kind of...forget? To talk about them?? But uh, yeah!! (Appearance ref since I never post abt them lol)

Generally I like to hc Source as, essentially, a mailman, a deliverer of all sorts of things, so they wind up familiar with most everyone in the underground, even if just passingly. They have a very Amelia bedelia style sense of direction, where they never quite know where they're going, or where things are, but they somehow always wind up where they need to be regardless.

After surfacing, in a scenario where they would've been one of the "main" crew to help Frisk along their journey, I like to imagine they wind up working with the embassy as a sort of event organizer, so of course there's plenty room for interaction between them and the gang!

As for their opinions...

Toriel sees them as a sweet if not at times oblivious little creature. Very friendly and feisty, but she worries about how many concussions they've accumulated over the years...

Sans is mostly amused by them. They can be very clumsy yet capable at the same time, so it's sort of like having his own irl looney tunes character to watch whenever he notices them somewhere. Personality wise they're a bit too upbeat for him, but they're easy to prank, and generally a good sport about it, plus they like puns, so like. Cmoooonnn

Papyrus definitely likes them! They're not so much friends as they're like two dogs that bark at each other through the fence whenever they're both outside (in a friendly way). Ironically, they're not quite up to his and Undyne's speed energy wise, but they can usually match his levels of silliness just fine. Only downside is they like his brother's jokes (they like his too though so it balances out).

Undyne, Alphys, MTT, Asgore, Flowey, Frisk, and Grillby below the cut!

Undyne is mostly just like (nicely) what is wrong with that thing. With Waterfall being one of the more perilous locations, she's probably seen more of Source's near death experiences than anyone else, yet they always seem blissfully unaware. They also seem to sleep as much as Papyrus, except they have a slightly sort of off vibe about them that makes Undyne worry a little. Is otherwise friendly, even if she has yelled at them to pay more attention on a few occasions lol

Alphys is...kind of indifferent to them? They're friendly and not very intimidating, but come across as a bit of an airhead at times, and miss a lot of social cues, so they tend to make Alphys feel even more awkward than usual, but! That doesn't mean she really dislikes Source or anything, just that they're not totally compatible as friendly acquaintances. They also kinda remind her of Papyrus and...she has enough of that in her life after her and Undyne start dating lmao

Mettaton...has a mostly positive view of them! They always brought him fan mail underground and were happy to chat about him and his show, so he generally just sees them as some upbeat, friendly fan! They gave him weirdly heartfelt advice once and it made him feel uncomfortably vulnerable at the time but it gave him a little genuine fondness for them in the long run

Asgore is as friendly with them as he is with any monster! They feel kinda weird around him though, and it makes him feel kinda weird, so they always interact a little awkwardly, but plenty polite all the same! They call him flower power sometimes and he doesn't know how to feel about that 👍

Flowey...he knows them better than anyone, in some ways. He knows they put up almost as much of a facade as Papyrus. But how much of it is an act vs how much is genuine is constantly in flux and it antagonizes him. They know more than they let on, and it frustrates him when they're kind to him. They're playing with him just like he plays with them, and he doesn't like that. Gradually becomes more indifferent to them over time, but he’s already got his hands full with Frisk and Papyrus, he doesn't need another freak to join the club.

Frisk likes them! Sees them as sort of like. A babysitter type? Not that they need one, but it's not as close as a sibling relationship. Maybe more like an older cousin. They love going on "adventures" with Source, and are really the tie that binds them to the others, since they want them to be incorporated with their little makeshift family, but for some reason they can't ever quite seem to get Source closer to all of them...

Bonus: Grillby is grateful for their services, but damn do they always seem like they're this 👌 close to becoming collateral damage personified lmao

[captainaikus]

hi belle !!! i felt like i had to come in and clear things up since the lil discourse started in my ask box lol and now i feel bad :,( in no way do i feel like there was any sort of even the slightest inspiration taken from the asks on my acc ! we've even talked abt it a bit here on ur blog lol (and i still need to reply 2 u, too 😭) so i'd also be thankful if the discourse stopped altogether cuz i strongly believe coincidents happen and i do not even feel like the idea was mine in any way so !

i hope what i said makes sense :// even i myself dont see any issue with this situation and i am absolutely frothing at the mouth to read interrupted lol SO with that being said, i hope the whole discussion dies down <3 im so sorry it ruined ur mood, sending u the biggest hugs rn ! :(

Thanks for dropping in and clearing the air, Zari

And yes, it does make sense. There are so many times when i see people literally paraphrasing my work and making plot lines with a similar synopsis as mine; like the other day i was going to call this author out in the bllk fandom and i spoke to my friend about it with screenshots and everything. And after thinking about it realized that erotica and romance are not unique genres and that includes dark content as well so themes can overlap and at the end of the day- it is not literally published work.

I'm not a fan of discourse myself tbh. and i don't understand why most people don't take it with a sense of rationality?

I've been on tumblr for over 4 years now, yes I started here when i was 16 and began posting last year. When i was at 250 followers, i released a fic and the idea was stolen by an author who had over 10,000 follows+ than me (who i had interacted with) and it went at a very fast pace of gaining over 170 likes in two hours or maybe less. I know what it feels like to have your work taken away from you and used by someone else for the purpose of their content. Why would i wish that on anyone else? Most of my followers follow blogs apart from mine that have blue lock content. so if i did copy someone's idea, they would notify me about it; and even if i knew that you had an idea like this in your blog i would have never used it as we're both writers for the same fandom. It would literally give me nothing but backlash from readers and ruin a reputation i've spent time building here -causing me emotional instability which is the last thing i want for myself (since i have already got a lot going irl) given the fact that hate spreads more faster than being liked; speaking from experience since i have seen enough number of discourses take place here and also on how bad it can get.

And even late last year, i had a whole wip list out for different fandoms including haikyuu and other animes that i watched, explaining what the fic was about and everything. But even that got taken away from me (one of the anons dropped a word for word title in the inbox of a famous author/ writer here + it turned up in the 'x reader' tags) so i rarely discuss what fic i'm going to write next and just decide to keep it a secret and release it when its done.

Thanks again for dropping in Zari (hope you enjoy reading 0^^0 *sending hugs back*); and since the discourse has been settled by both of us, on further notice any ask regarding 'interrupted' will be deleted.

[letitrainathousandflames]

Wait. How many levels of friendship do you have? And how does one become friends?

Aight sit down bc I have hyperfocus mode on and my leg is bouncing quicker than the speed of light. I have 5 levels of friendship:

1 ) awkward i-don't-know-how-comfortable i can be w/ you yet and i'm also adhd so i will forget to reply your messages sometimes and worry abt you thinking i hate you

2) i know a bit abt you and you know a bit about me. We exchange memes and wait to get a keysmash laugh reply. After a while, we get either one of us reblogging the meme the other sent, or we simply Know they were seen and are thus no longer plagued by the worries of level 1

3) We start having recurring themes/jokes in our convos. This is the best part bc I then know what to talk or ask about to get u going "oh! topic i enjoy!"; also, i know now your interests/hyperfixations/area of expertise and therefore you become my source of knowledge in this particular area so that a) I can learn from a friend and b) you get to infodump all that fun stuff no one ever asks you about.

(shoutout to my marine biologist buddy who knows everything about those underwater critters, the friend w/ animals who explains animal husbandry and the dnd pal who knows what all these dice do, love y'all <3)

4) We don't talk often, but we know timezones/work/studying is a bitch so we Get It. Starting convos is easy bc we know enough abt each other and are protected from most of the mortifying ordeal of being known by the computer screen and physical distance, which is also a curse bc goddamn, you must be fun to hang out with but there u are, in a whole other continent.

We frequently plague each other with cursed content. I might have 28% of a crush on you bc you know me better than most people IRL do. If we have mutual blorbos, we spend hours coming up w/ fic/scenarios for them, which feels as whimsical and lighthearted as playing dolls in a playground with a friend you just met but also feels like has been your soul companion since your previous lifetime. it's day for me when its night for you so the only thing we're granted is a sliver of time in which we squeeze the most meaningful glance via a discord stream of me playing some shooter game.

One day you might leave Tumblr or just shift into a different friend group or discord server, and I'll have a chunk of knowledge about you and nothing to do with it, and so will you. It was real. I hope we meet again. If we don't, I hope you find your happiness somewhere.

5) All that but you actually survived the test of time and the shift of interests and we remain friends bc we are actually connected to each other's personalities and tastes and we make the effort to keep the friendship going, even if I now talk of a fandom you're not a part of, and you got married and had a kid and now doesn't have as much time but you still find a way to send the occasional message or drop in for a chat. We've seen each other's actual faces on video. I tell you my top-secret stories and you tell me yours. I constantly refer to you in convos w/ ppl IRL like "oh, my friend from [country]" said- to the point where they already have their own idea of you too. I love u and you know it.

[troglobite]

kljfaksd

question for my irl friends is this

did you grow up w ppl pretending to be your friend as a joke, or fake asking you out (or alternatively, being The Only One to NOT be asked out, making it a spectacle w an audience), or ppl taking advantage of you for their own gain, often by means of making you think they liked you?

were the majority of your friends randos from other actual friend groups who thought you were funny or useful or entertaining, and so, bc you had no other recognizable Group to hang out with, they basically took pity on you?

did you stop getting invited to parties after the age at which inviting everyone in class became obsolete?

were you called, a million times by a million different ppl in a million different circumstances, annoying? not in subtext, not through guesswork or anxiety brain. literally, to your face, called annoying by so many people, including friends. at all stages of your life. regardless of what personality and behavioral changes were made to try and STOP being annoying.

bc basically if not that really explains why everyone ignores basically everything i say, and no one wants to talk to me unless i 1. can be a charity case 2. am providing something for them that they like.

yes, this includes even when i ask them how they're doing or what's up, or specifically bring up something that they enjoy and expressed interest in discussing.

the charity case thing comes out HARD when i mention being the only one in the discord. or being alone. and wanting to hang out w my friends. or being disabled and sad. or when i express any emotion for which the correct and desired response is comfort.

there's just a lot of incongruity between 'you're the best dm! and a great friend! you're great and we love you!' and fucking radio silence and being ignored for weeks on end.

like i am. going Through It. and no one has offered to check in. and i stopped complaining/seeking comfort bc no one wanted to provide it.

and i haven't checked in on anyone directly because i have told them i don't do that because i know they're busy. and also bc trying to do so in the past yielded basically no results and made me apparently even more annoying. i have communicated this more than once, that i deliberately don't check in directly on purpose bc i know they're busy. and the discord is THERE FOR THEM TO USE, TOO. even when i'm using it regularly, i'm not in it CONSTANTLY. and when they DO use it, i respond!!!

so i check in in other ways, by bringing up interesting or important or funny things, or things that i think specific ppl will find funny or interesting.

still. nothing.

and every time i mention this during the rare fucking moments that we actually hang out on zoom, it's just a chorus shouting me down of how it's not intentional or personal.

okay. sure. thanks.

now can we get to the part where we collaboratively figure out how to make sure i DON'T feel like RANCID SHIT bc you guys are modeling the EXACT behaviors of my 'friends' and bullies throughout my entire fucking life?

or how abt when we're hanging out for the sake of my mental health--which they encouraged, which i asked for, and they obliged--i basically end up third wheeling it. nobody talking to me. nobody playing games w me. they're just playing bg3 with each other, not including me, and talking not consistently loud enough for the mic to pick up, and abt shit and ppl i've never heard of and trying to catch me up is just annoying. like a hang out that was supposed to make me feel better just makes me feel infinitely worse.

or how in any hang out ppl basically just never want to let me experience a breadth of emotions, or share abt my life, or any of that shit. i ask abt theirs and express genuine interest bc i do genuinely care. and i listen to conversations go on around me, sometimes with me. but somehow when talking i just fuck up and am annoying and my life isn't interesting and if i talk abt it i'm just sad and annoying and sucking up all the air in the room.

idfk man. everybody has their own issues and trauma but every time we talk abt childhood stuff in school i'm the only one who's met w like. Sad Silence. i'm the only one w nothing to share bc i can't/don't relate bc my childhood was just being bullied. constantly.

and somehow the ones who experienced some negativity had groups of cool or fun friends and they got through it that way.

i couldn't bc my friends were also the bullies. idk man it's 4 am i'm sad and tired and my hand still isn't fully healed and i should stop typing.

idr why i started thinking abt this. but something just. reminded me. anyway.

i guess i'm just tired of it being 'that's just an anxious thought that's irrational :)'

when it's like. no. my literal FRIENDS throughout my ENTIRE LIFE have told me TO MY FACE repeatedly that I AM ANNOYING. i have been ostracized or punished or ignored or mocked or gaslit. i was bullied basically my entire childhood and past that, it was pity and self-defense that kept me with any semblance of friends.

even to ppl who hsould've been or said they were my closest friends, i am. just not that important ultimately.

i'm tired of not being a priority in anybody's life. i matter so little. and i'm so tired and so jaded and so TIRED. SO FUCKING TIRED. that i don't WANT to start over. i don't WANT to try and make new friends i'm TIRED.

making friends is literally a SOURCE OF FUCKING TRAUMA. straight up i remember my first day in fucking preschool vividly bc i'm so inherently bad at making friends. and it just set the tone for the rest of my life.

so i don't want to. i've tried many different ways to be friends. i've spent a lot of energy. and right now i feel insane and evil and selfish and cruel for being like.

i just want to prioritize myself.

bc it feels like maybe that's all i've done my entire fucking life. and i;m just a narcissistic (dsm not involved, just a descriptor/adj) piece of shit whos self-pitying and unselfaware and refuses to change.

but it FEELS like ive tried changing a lot over the course of my life.

idk. im just at a stage in my life where i want friends and relationships. but the daily upkeep is a lot. i want casual conversations and check ins. not huge obligations. i want to work up to that. bc the thought of someone depending on me feels awful and like too much. like id run away from it.

but i want friends.

and i guess. i guess i DO sort of try to maintain friendships in my own way and it just. doesnt matter. bc they dont try to maintain them with ME. they just. assume/know/take for granted that i'll be there. bc of course i will. im lonely and desperate.

and the last time i tried setting boundaries and asking for support in specific ways, it blew up in my face and i ended up losing all my friends.

and now im just stuck. taking care of health stuff. being sad and miserable. doing work. playing catch up. i dont have the time energy or physical ability to gameplan. or have a complete dialogue w the player who blew things up for me at the dnd table.

im exhausted. im literally freshly traumatized (recently discovered when i had a literal autonomic nervous system trauma reaction). im tired. and id just like support.

but asking for it directly got me nothing. asking indirectly got me nothing. so im just. not even trying anymore.

and it feels awful to say that its a test for them to see if they even notice or care that im not present in the discord or talking to any of them anymore. but like. it is part of it. its secondary to the main part which is that:

it feels awful, like gut-wrenchingly fucking awful to be sharing bits abt your life, sharing things you love and WANT to share, sharing things to entice others into convo, sending things bc they made you think of them, and to receive fucking silence in return.

or the occasional pity reply.

and when even those pity replies taper off and stop? like fuck, man.

'they're busy and have things going on!'

i know. that's the problem. everything else, for every single one of those ppl, ranks higher in priority than me. including other relationships. i dont get to be on par with any of that.

meanwhile in terms of friendships, they are my TOP priority.

but its not reciprocated.

so at some point its like. why would i keep following the annoying as fuck advice abt like 'dont stop reaching out, theyll be glad you did!'

bc its clearly just not true for me and any of my irl friends. and never has been and never will be.

its not even bc of covid, ive just. never been anyones serious priority. or a treasured friendship. and when i have, like ONCE, it fizzled out bc of other ppl who ended up being more important.

and i dont mean this in a 'i have to be the only person in your life' way

you can have MULTIPLE priorities, all of differing levels and grouped in different ways

but being grouped in the same way but not receiving the same priority or care. like. thats what sucks.

and then like. specifically this one friendship im thinking abt, i was there for her through SO MUCH SHIT. i worked my ass off to make sure i was threading the needle on being supportive and not pushing her. and i wanted her safe and happy.

and ultimately it was for nought bc abusive relationships are like that

bc to be told 'i want you to share more with me and be vulnerable with me' and then

i do it. i literally did it.

and like. on the one hand, maybe she needed practice. but on the other hand.

if you do this with your other friends, why are you SO UNCOMFORTABLE with me being vulnerable? why are you SO INCAPABLE of LISTENING to me and understanding what im saying and where im coming from? and offering ANY support?

and like fuck that, man, ive literally MODELED for you like 'waht do you need/what would you like from me?' type shit so just ASK ME

and then to now be trying to set up a zoom hangout session and for her to keep putting it off and saying shes busy and she cant and blah blah blah

im tired. im tired of being taken for granted. of not being a priority. of not mattering.

of also--not being privy to anyones lives! to do so, i have to PULL TEETH to get answers/replies from them, or i have to find out abt it second or third hand in a group hangout session.

im tired of being the one to reach out. to check in. to try and have convos. to ask for support. to set up hang out times and games. of being the only one doing like WORK for this dnd campaign. of having to manage all this shit.

im tired of not mattering. of being so low on the list of priorities.

im tired of trying a million things to try and fix myself and my behavior--both in unhealthy and supposedly really healthy ways.

and still running up against the same shit. idk what to do anymore. and im tired. im tired of trying. of putting myself out there. i dont want to. im tired and im scared and i have every fucking right to be.

and i dont want ppl to tell me but i HAVE to if i dont want to be lonely anymore.

ive tried all your fucking suggestions and nothing seems to work longterm.

the only times i ever hate myself? it's not when im alone w myself. i can be alone w myself. i can admit my good and my bad. i can recognize my insecurities.

but when i hate myself? its when im a direct inconvenience and annoyance to ppl who say they care abt me. its when i feel or observe that i am making the lives of these ppl i care abt, harder and worse.

i dont need to work on self love or self compassion. ive done that. thats not the problem.

i am traumatized and people WONT STOP FUCKING RE-TRAUMATIZING ME.

at what point do i just get to throw my hands up and say THIS IS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM, NOW. IVE DONE MY WORK. I'LL KEEP DOING MY WORK. BUT FUCKING CHRIST ALIVE WHY CANT YOU ACT LIKE YOU EVEN LIKE ME AT ALL???

i just think it would be impossible for anyone to be me and not come out thinking 'jfc there is something fundamentally wrong w me that everybody can pick up on and HATES, and idk how to find it and fix it despite trying for 30 years'

i make mistakes. i know theyre mistakes. im working on mending mistakes without shame. like im not a perfect and enlgihtened individual, im just working on things.

but i cant work on my own shit and magically live in a world where ppl dont fucking hate me. or use me. or ignore me. or find me deeply annoying.

idk i guess its late and im spiraling and im just tired. im fucking tired. ive been inside and alone and these past like 9, 10 days without being able to properly use my hand, so i couldnt work or do chores or game plan or talk to ppl at lenght like. idk. i guess it made everything worse.

im not even currently sobbing or melting down. im just tired.

and i guarantee my stupid fucking hand is gonna be SO fucked up tomorrow. not even using my pinky to type. but it hurts.

whatever.

[sungbeam]

my meimei, im trying my best to come up with the right words cs im more of a listener than a comforter 🥹 one thing i can tell you is the way my heart immediately sank the other day when you were going through a lot, and you were away for a while. the number of times I've constantly thought of the ways I could comfort you best, and if there's anything I could do to help ease your pain and suffering, be it online or irl. i know being on this platform is hard, and as writers sometimes we can't help but care about the interactions, notes, etc. i get that. but if you ever need to take a step back to let loose for a little, do just that. we all need a little break from here after all.

i'll never stop emphasizing this, but you're one of the reasons i started writing myself. i could never bear the thought of you leaving forever (though i know eventually one day all of us will move on with our lives yes), but def not so soon. i could go on and on all day about how creative you are, how your writings have made so many ppl pick up starting their own writing blog, and the way you're literally the sweetest human being ever. if not, i don't think you would've thought of making deoboyznet.

you helped revived deobiblr beam, and i can never thank you enough for giving me the space and such a comfortable place to meet other writers, make friends, and even improve on my writing. you're just so passionate about what you do, and you're just like a firefly that just guides the community (ok idk why my brain came up with firefly but i thought of it in a cute way 😭)

you mean a lot to me, beam. here's to more adventures and talks, and ofc eventually meeting each other irl someday. i'm always here for you, no matter what.

💗🫶🏻

hi jie hope u don't mind me posting this cuz ik u said u were shy 😭 but it didn't feel right to leave this in my inbox skfndjfn i just wanted to say that im really lucky to have a person in my life like u who's always looking out for me and caring abt how i am 😭 im sorry for all the worrying i put u thru but truly, im so thankful for u 🫂 ik sometimes i go radio silent, more often nowadays, but i hope u never take it personally.

also, thank u for the validation :')))) i feel like it's easy to doubt the impact someone has on other people, but im very happy to hear that my impact has been so positive on u and other people,,, i feel like at certain times it's so easy for me to fill w self doubt and it gets annoying for me and certainly others too 😭

but i hope u know that i appreciate ur kindness and patience w me all the time, and i love u very much jiejie 🫂💖

[iwillneverforgiveyousunghanbin]

im actually doing a lot better these days (literally just for 2 days, but thats better than nothing) so thanks for wishing me luck.

i actually dont know that many Tauruses eirher... im not super into astrology so idek how theyre supposed to act . i just know that im super super compatible w taerae & thats all that matters 🤷‍♂️

ive been on the grind 💯 lagely so i barelt bave anh time to keep up w kpop and to vote and stfeam and check what jebi r doinf every second anymore. it makes me sad too bc i used to be rly obsessed (i still am bur significantly less) and id know their schedule and everything and check twt every day for updates. for boys planet too. Man in love genuinely changed the trajectory of my life like ik its basic but the momrnt i saw taerae do the hand thing it was over for me. now im a crazy kkultarae.

idrc abt jay tbh. he doesnt rly appeal to me but hes so talebted and so so good at singing. have u been watching build up?

xoxo 🎻

honestly, you're right. being compatible with taerae is literally all that matters. i promise i'm working hard (kinda, sorta) to get that taerae bully chapter out... i hope it's as devastating as i want it to be.

i'm not really a vote/stream kind of person so i understand. there's a lot to be done in life, but i appreciate everyone who does vote/stream to help out my faves. i just am kind of "march to my own drummer" in the way i support and just listen and watch variety content and write my little fics and stuff. but i wish i had more friends to talk to about kpop. it's hard to hold my tongue around my irl friends all the time 💀

i love jay bc he's a new jersey boy tbh. i live one state away so i could easily maladaptive daydream about bumping into him some day in the city 😭😭 i'm not watching build up, even though i like a bunch of the boys on it (i was a huge peak time fan last year too). but i don't want to see my faves stressed out anymore, i've had enough for now lol.

i'm glad you've been feeling better!! sending more positive energy your way 💕💗