#i havent really had a bad dip in my mental health like this for a couple of years now so this is kinda hard to cope with

[rabble-dabble]

A Karkat who isn't out to his friends about his blood color yet has to go to John to get patched up because all humans bleed red and thus John wouldn't think it's weird that he does too.

question but is it homoerotic to patch up your fellow friendleader so tenderly when he trusts no one else to and also linger your touch but only slightly subtly so as not to alert him to your pining gaze?

[anomalousnero]

Sorry about the lack of posting here. I haven't posted much anywhere else either. In late January I got hit really bad with COVID, and it took a few weeks to fully recover. In February I spent most of my time doing IRL stuff, I had recently gotten fixated on native plants so I was spending a lot of time taking care of my garden and turning it into a native garden with just a couple of non natives. This month I had done a 11 day roadtrip of a good portion of my country (Australia), and I have been having some dips in my mental health on top of that but that's nothing to me anymore as I can manage it and I know what to expect as I know what causes it, regardless it gets less and less hard with every week that goes by since I am getting in a better headspace and I have been given a ton of luck by life for giving me the perfect opportunity to live my dreams and become my own person. Plus, I am currently very excitedly and impatiently waiting to pick up my new addition to my family next week.

I quite literally havent drawn anything this month, apart from like, one commission. But I have every intention to post more art. Please do keep in mind that I don't just post SCP, though my stuff is primarily SCP, I also post wildlife stuff, OC stuff and stuff for fandoms other than SCP. :)

[moss-sprouted]

.

i think just trying to dip my toes back into anything even vaguely sexual and having people desire or perceive me has made me go from sex repulsed to sex averse

i wish i could express it in a more safe or healthy way but just the idea of anyone especially people who i have had even a vague sexual relationship with thinking of me in that way makes me so distressed

like its safe with like one or two people and maybe some strangers who havent expressed anything explicit to me besides compliments

i keep getting further and further away from any of it feeling safe or okay

i dont know if thats because of trauma/because of the time of year or because my mental healths been bad or what but i just

Cant do it anymore

sometimes i wish i had never had any of that and could just live as fully demi without anyone ever knowing otherwise or expecting anything of me

i dont like that other people would be okay with me sexting them or whatever but dont even consider if id be okay with it

and theres no way to receive affection or flirting or compliments without this undertone of sex and im just so tired of it

i see why people turn completely into prudes who dont want to engage with any of it at all and im not saying the way people treat that stuff right now is okay or valid in how they act, but damn like i get it

no wonder the people ive been the most attatched to are people who havent been sexual with me

its really fucking me up and i was doing so good and my mental health has just immediately taken a major dip

no one that knows me is allowed to perceive me or desire me or think about me in that way

i cant handle it anymore i just cant but i cant even express myself or recieve any affection otherwise because if i try to do it on another blog and signal to new people that the blog even exists people i know try to stake some gross claim on it and it hurts

im so tired of people thinking they own me or have any claim on me, even if thats not what they say or whatever fuck do actions speak louder than words when every boundary i put in place people try to shift to the side to gain access to me like im some fucking piece of meat

i have been since i was 15 and im so fucking sick of it

[skiasurveys]

its been a MINUTE.

Do you get a lot of tourists in the area where you live?

- Not really, we only get people here when theres like an event once a year lmao

If so, are there more tourists during a particular time of the year?

- never but if we do it’s the summer

What artistic medium or style seems to have the greatest impact on you emotionally?

-paintings and poetry

If you make art, do you have a favorite medium or style that you prefer to use or that best helps you express yourself emotionally?

- painting and writing

What’s the strangest or most interesting compliment you’ve ever received?

-that i have a nice voice bc i hate my voice lol

If you have a phone that supports apps, do you have a favorite game you like to play?

- i hardly play phone games

Do you prefer to shop online or in an actual store and why?

online it’s easier and i don’t have to deal with ppl lmao

Have you taken surveys on anything other than LiveJournal or Xanga?

-here but i havent done them in so long lmao

What’s been your favorite site to take them on and why?

- Tumblr since it’s the only one active

Have you recently made or been trying to make a change in your lifestyle?

- yessss

Why have you made or why’re you making this change and how has it been going?

- I hate myself & need to grow up

Do you enjoy watching vlogs?

- depends, not as much anymore

If so, are there any specific people or topics you enjoy watching in particular?

- mental health maybe? it depends. i like to hear people rant or talk abt their life lmao i rly like drew monsons videos

When was the last time you said something you shouldn’t have?

- when havent i lmao

Do you save letters and cards you receive?

- no, i used too but they just take up space ( i only keep if its rly something i should keep)

Do you have multiple calendars in your room, if you have any at all?

- no but i want one

What is or are the theme(s) of your calendar(s)?

- n/a

What do you take into consideration when deciding whether or not to read a book?

- if its interesting enough to read since i dont have time to read

What was the last new video game you were excited about?

honestly i dont even know anymore

How would you describe your job?

- im not working rn but im in school, so graphic design

What’re you hungry for?

- nothing lol

What’s your favorite color?

- yellow, pine or pink

What’s the oddest thing you have in your bedroom that someone would be surprised to find and why is it there?

- back scratcher

Have you ever broken a bed or other furniture during sex?

- No

What do you sleep in?

- usually a oversize tee and shorts

Would you play naked Twister?

- maybe if i had a partner

You’ve been invited to a lingerie party at the Playboy Mansion, so do you accept and if so, what do you wear?

-i would if i got accepted bc like ..that would be dope as fuck. i would wear something cute but flirty

What’s the longest period of time that you’ve gone without a shower?

- prob a week

Haagen-Dazs or Ben & Jerry’s?

- ben and jerrys

What’s always in your refrigerator?

- some form of a drink

What’s your favorite cookie?

- oatmeal raisin

What’s your favorite type of weather?

- warm but not too cold or hot. i like rainy weather too

Which do you prefer, giving or receiving?

- both

What’s your favorite word?

- i dont rly have one

Who do you live with?

- my mom and sister

Do you exercise regularly and if so, how often?

- i dont but i need too

Do you have any piercings and if yes, how many and where are they?

- no but i need to get my ears done soon

Do you have tattoos and if yes, how many and where are they?

- none but planning on getting one

Do you like to dance?

- yeah but im bad at it

Have you ever been skinny dipping?

- Nope

Do you drink alcohol and if yes, how often?

- yeah and socially. i used to drink a lot so im cutting back on it

Do you smoke and if yes, how much?

-No

When you die, would you rather be buried or cremated?

- buried or donate my body to science

Have you been told you can sing well more than once?

- no lmao

What’re three physical features you get complimented on a lot?

- Hair, eyes, or my voice

What’s one word to describe your last sexual encounter?

- bad

Who’s a current friend that you’ve known the longest?

- sasha

Who’s someone you can tell just about anything to?

- kyra

[pettrichore]

this is legit just a vent post

so the meat of this shit will be under the cut bc i doubt anyone really wants to read this shit but i just need to like say it and yeah

anyway so my life has been kinda going shitty as of late. I mean who hasn’t had a shitty time as of late. obviously some people more than others are struggling and like i acknowledge the fact that i dont have it the worst etc etc but like. damn cant someone just vent. 

anywayyy so im not even gunna like get into everything of what has been going on bc.. yeah no i’m just not gunna put that out there. but essentially i went through a breakup and it’s really hard on me but im still in contact with my ex. and p much we’d LIKE things to work out but also there’s just.. a LOT happening. me talking to him is nice mainly because i have like zero fucking friends and no one to talk to (and i mean anyway i cant hang out w anyone at this point now either but i digress) and so it’s really just some friends occasionally ?? and him and i’m going to lose my mind if i dont have a consistent person to talk to. he has to figure out his shit and there’s... just a LOT going on in his life and some things that COULD happen like worse case could just be my breaking point where i just HAVE to dip. really i dont want to though. it’s just.. complicated and frustrating. shit has been going FINE like it’s not bad. but occasionally there will be things he says that hurts me and like shit gets resolved or whatever but he kinda keeps mentioning how it would probably be better for me if i just... dont communicate with him. which on one hand i see his point with that but also on another like... it’s not gunna stop me from being hurt if shit does go south. like ig i’ve had more time to process it or whatever but like.. what ?? like a week?? yeah that might help but also like.. not really??? idk. i dont see the point on dropping someone if i dont have to. even if we dont end up together in the end i dont wanna just.. give up. mamma didn’t raise no quitter. 

idk there are just so many moving parts to this and i’m worried for his mental health and mine as well. idk what is the best decision in the end. i don’t have future vision. i cant tell what path is the best to go down. idk what will lead to the least amount of pain. 

part of me does want to just leave. to take this as a life lesson and hope it was one for him too and hope he has a good life and leave but like.. i legit wanted to marry him. he wanted to marry me too. like we still love each other. and yeah it hurts to think that maybe shit wont work out but also i don’t want to burn my bridges before i get to them. i dont want to lose a connection to someone who has been an important part of my life for nearly a year now. neither of us are perfect. this whole thing has led to a lot of issues and pain but i have hope that things wont be miserable. i know sometimes you have to let go of people from your life even if doing so hurts you then but.. idk. i know i dont need someone to be whole. im my own person. i can live life without a boyfriend. does that mean that my life wasn’t so fucking amazing with him? nah. it was so fucking amazing and i miss that but i know i dont necessarily need him or anyone to be a whole person. but he made my life more exciting. 

there’s just so much to this that i havent mentioned or forgot to cover but yeah idk. idk what to do. i do know that i need some mental help. that he does too. that things arent good right now but that doesnt mean that they cant get better. i also know i need some fucking legit friends. ppl to talk to on the regular. i wish i had ppl to hang out with but even if i did i know i couldnt do that lol. yeah idk. there’s more shit happening in my life that doesnt help. it also doesnt help that im a major overthinker and also a very emotional person. i just hope and pray shit will get better and soon. i want answers to things so decisions can be made. will i be staying still or will i dip. it also hurts to have the person you love try to push you away a bit. i know it’s for my sake and also for him because it’s so incredibly hard for him to see me hurt but yeah idk. i hope this will be something we can look back on in our relationship and see how it in the end strengthened us rather than brought us down or tore us apart. 

there were things that were done that still hurt and that i still dont agree with or like but i have accepted things and don’t feel any bitterness towards him for. i know things will never be the same but i hope they will be different in a good way. i have faith and hope that things will go good. like he is taking care of himself and focusing on his health and needs i need to do the same. at times i feel bad for feeling selfish things but honestly i deserve something good. i deserve a lot in life and i hope that i can get it. i want to get it in a good and healthy mutual way. i want to give a lot too. my heart hurts of course but i still feel so much love and some of that hurt is just because i care so much. 

anyway this went on longer than expected. if you read this then wow. tbh i dont intend this to be read it’s just like... i needed to speak this out there. i needed to say it to someone or to something. to get it to the world. if someone reads it then that’s cool. hmu if you want. if no one reads this then im perfectly fine.