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horansqueen · 4 years

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You & Me : chapter 22

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.5 - 4.8k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- notes: i havent even written half of what I wanted to be written in this chapter so they will have an other discussion in the next chapter, and they’ll spend an other day together. i feel like the song thing wasnt as good as it should have been. so i feel like it really sucks. i just hope it doesnt.

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! : heres the few requests i used. i suggest you dont read them before reading the chapters tho!

Chapter 22 : Her chapter

OLIVIA

Just as I opened the door to leave, I came face to face with Louis who rolled his eyes and laughed. I knew I should have left a while ago but the truth was, I hadn't shaved in 4 days and my hair was a mess. I was pretty sure it wouldn't bother Niall but it bothered me and I had to do something about it.

After trying out too many dresses, Julie, Eleanor and I gave up for the day and ended up at the restaurant with a few glasses of wine. We talked, we laughed, and I tried to keep the conversation as far from Niall as I could. I was still trying to sort out how I felt, or mostly, what I wanted, and I felt like it was something I had to do alone. I could lie and pretend I didn't love Niall but it was too late. In fact, I have never stopped loving him and I was not sure I ever would. Possibly, if we stopped talking and seeing each other, I could live with someone else, get married with someone else and be happy to a certain extent, but being around him without being with him would be impossible. I've done that for so many years before we started dating and it made me miserable. If there was one thing I was sure, it's that if I ended up with someone else than Niall, I would cut him out of my life for good. That thought made me want to throw up but I just breathed in, trying to calm myself. I hadn't taken that decision yet and I was not ready to, anyway.

"Five more minutes and you'll be late."

"I'm already late, Louis." I just said, shaking my head.

"Yea no, I told him half an hour, not 15 minutes like you had said. I know you and he does too. Don't lie to yourself, Olivia. You're always late."

"Well, i'm an artist!" I tried to defend myself with a small amused smile.

"Yea yea, use that excuse if you want." Louis chuckled, walking in. "Niall's waiting for you. Hurry or he'll already be asleep!"

"That drunk huh?" I raised my nose up. I sort of hoped we could have a discussion, or maybe I just wanted to feel myself beneath him. I was not sure. Either way, my plan was gonna have to change.

"No he seemed a bit better when we came back."

"Came back from where?" I frowned, tilting my head.

Louis' lips curled and he put his hands in his pockets before looking down and chuckling. He looked up at me again and laughed some more before shaking his head.

"No, no way, he'll tell you himself." he finally said, making me grimace. "He's got a surprise for you."

"Whatever, I don't have time to insist." I smiled and rolled my eyes, walking past him and bringing his face closer to kiss his cheek. "Thanks for calling me, Lou."

He turned around to look at me as I walked to my car and raised his voice to make sure I hear him.

"You take care on the road yea? Call me if you need anything!"

I smiled and nodded. "Don't worry. Now call your girlfriend!"

I quickly hopped in my car and drove to Niall's, feeling suddenly a lot more nervous than I probably should. I didn't know why, it was definitely not the first time I was seeing him, and everything was going so well between us, almost as well as it was before he broke up with me. Of course, we had many things to discuss again but we were on the right path, I could feel it. I shook my head, realizing I was talking about him as if we were dating, or at least, as if I was not supposed to marry someone else, and it made me feel guilty.

However, when he opened the door, all the emotions fighting inside of me suddenly disappeared, All I felt was love and my lips curled into a smile, just like his.

"Thanks so much for coming." he let out, moving a bit to let me in, and closed the door behind me. "I just want you to know that I was not jerking off to your nude. Louis just said that because-"

"He's an ass, I know." I chuckled before licking my lips. "Does that mean my nude was not good fapping material?"

His face changed into a few different expressions but finally, he raised his eyebrows and moved closer to me, bending down slightly to slip his arms around my waist and taking a step closer, forcing me to take a step back until my ass pressed against the couch.

"That nude is definitely great fapping material, I didn't say I wouldn't use it, I just meant that I was not doing it tonight, big difference."

My lips curled more and I chuckled as he bent down to kiss me. It was wrong, I knew it, but I couldn't help myself to let him kiss me and touch me again. I never had enough and I probably never would have.

"You're drunk." I let out before kissing him again.

"Mm, yea, a bit."

I laughed and shook my head. "Come on, let's go to bed yea?"

He groaned and his lips found my neck, making me laugh again. I loved how cuddly he became after drinking and I felt his mouth leaving small kisses on my skin, making goosebumps appear.

"Will you let me hold you and cuddle you?"

I smiled and nodded and with a low sigh, he pulled away. We walked to his room but kept the lights off and I helped him with his shirt and pants before getting undressed too, picking his shirt off the floor and putting it on. We both lied down in bed, facing each other, and I could see his drunk smile even in the darkness.

"Olivia, I love you. I think I always will."

I knew he was past the tipsy stage but I couldn't hide that his words made me smile. I moved closer and brought my hand to his cheek, letting my fingertips brush on it.

"You think?" I asked in a whisper, an amused smile reaching my lips.

"I know. I know I will always love you." he corrected himself, making me chuckle again. "And that nude, oh god, pet, just thinking about it makes me hard, look."

He grabbed my fingers before I could do anything and brought it over his boxers. As soon as I felt the shape of his cock on my palm, I moved my hand away. My heart had skipped a beat and I chuckled nervously before raising my eyebrows.

"Hey, don't do that!" I let out with a laugh, making him laugh too.

"You know I jerk off a lot thinking about you?" he mumbled. "That time you slept here, I walked to your room and saw you naked. Fuck, Liv, It got me so horny. It was the first time I saw you naked in over a year. I'm sorry, I swear it was an accident, but it made me so hard I had to jerk off in the shower."

My lips parted and my breath caught in my throat. I remembered that day very well... a bit too well. "You... wait, what?"

He groaned and moved his head before looking back at me again. "I know! I'm so sorry! I think I even moaned your name when I came."

I stared at him a few more seconds as his eyes moved quickly on my face. I pressed my lips together, feeling my heart thump hard in my chest as I tried to decide if I should tell him what I did or not.

"That day I... I sort of walked to your room to ask you for something and I saw you... in the shower." I admitted as he frowned.

"Really? How did you like it?" he asked, his lips curling into a smile. "You never told me."

I wanted to tell him that I actually touched myself next to him without him knowing but for some reasons, the words wouldn't come out and I stopped trying when he whimpered low and more closer, pulling me against him.

"Say you love me, petal. You love me right?"

I smiled a bit, leaving a soft kiss on his jaw. "I love you, Niall."

"I'm also the best fuck you ever had, I have to be." he added in a mutter, making me laugh this time. "I am, petal, tell me I am. I'm better than Louis, at least, yea?"

I moved back a bit to look at him again and frowned. I was a bit surprised by his request since he was never the type to be insecure and I just licked my lips.

"Does that really scare you?"

His face changed in a funny face and he shrugged. "Ha, no." he told me before his face changed slightly. "Okay maybe a bit."

I brought my hand back to his cheek and I suddenly got serious. I didn't want him to keep thinking about that, it was seriously useless to be scared of that.

"I love you more than I've ever loved anyone, and more than I'll ever love anyone else. And you're the best fuck I've ever had, and ever will have."

His lips curled into a smirk and he chuckled low. "I know. Now pretend I never asked."

I rolled my eyes and brought my lips to his, kissing him slowly as he answered my kiss. We didn't go further, we just kept kissing gently and deeply until we fell asleep and it was the very first time I had done something like that. When I woke up, the way I had fallen asleep came back to my mind and I felt a stupid grin draw itself on my lips. That was a bit embarrassing yet that was the most romantic thing we ever did together.

I got up slowly, making sure I wouldn't wake him up, and went to the bathroom before going to the kitchen with pills that I left on the counter. I finally made coffee and found eggs and bread, knowing he may not eat at all. I heard a groan behind me and I smiled despite myself until I felt his arms slip around my waist. His lips reached for my neck and I chuckled, moving my shoulder up.

"It tickles!" I admitted, turning to look at him with a smile. "Your stubble."

He laughed and moved away, grabbing a cup and filling it with coffee before literally swallowing the pills with the warm beverage. I remained silent and put the eggs in a plate, leaving it on the counter between us and grabbing the bread in the toaster.

"No thanks, just eggs is fine." he just shook his head as I handed him a toast.

He handed me a fork and we started eating together, still standing up and facing each other. I wanted it to be that way every single day of my life until I'd die. I wanted to wake up with him, eat breakfast with him, and spend the day with him. All my days. Every fucking day.

"What do you wanna do today?" I just asked, seeing him stop moving from the corner of my eyes.

"You're spending the day with me?"

I shrugged and pressed my lips together to make sure I wouldn't smile too big. "If you want me to."

"So many useless words coming from such a pretty mouth."

"Shut up!" I laughed. "You should have heard yourself last night!"

He grimaced and I laughed some more before shaking my head. I moved closer and wrapped both my arms around his neck, quickly pressing my lips against his. He closed his eyes and his arms slithered around my waist pulling me closer.

"What was that for?" he asked in a whisper, staring in my eyes with a smile when I pulled away.

"I was thinking of going for a walk at the park, and since we won't be able to do that there, I thought it was appropriated to do it here before we left."

His smile turned into a smirk and he raised his eyebrows. "You know what we could do before we leave?"

I laughed again and shook my head, taking a step back. God I loved him so much. How did I always feel so beautiful and desirable when I was with him was beyond me. At first, I thought it was just a way to see if he could still get me somehow, and then I thought maybe he just missed the time we were dating but now? Now I was starting to realize that perhaps it was just me. He wanted me, and he loved me. And that conclusion was exactly what I wanted.

"Maybe later." I proposed with a smile. "Let's go out. Fresh air will be good for your headache."

He groaned again and I laughed some more, walking back to his room to get my bag. I quickly got dressed, the smile on my face never faltering. Was that how it would be if I was with Niall? Would I always be happy, in love and excited to spend time with him? Realistically, I knew it was impossible to always be happy or always smile. Everyone had bad days and living with someone, or even just dating someone, was not perfect, but I felt like if I was with Niall, it would come very close to it.

He came back to the room just as I was done and started getting changed in front of me, making me roll my eyes but chuckle. It took him fifteen minutes to get ready as I waited for him next to the front door and when he appeared, my eyebrows raised.

"Wow, you look good." I pointed out.

"Those are just pants and a shirt. Why? Did you change your mind? We can spend the day in the bedroom if you want!"

I laughed again, perfectly aware that he wanted to go out as much as I did, and took a step closer before grabbing his hand in mine and staring at him. After about a minute, he frowned.

"What are we waiting for exactly?"

I squeezes his hand in mine and licked my lips. "Just trying to imagine what it would feel like to walk around with you while holding your hand."

"How does it feel?" he finally asked in a whisper.

I only send him a soft smile and let go of his hand before walking out of his house. He followed me to my car and I got behind the wheel as he took a seat on the passenger's side. He didn't comment but I knew he preferred when we used his car, perhaps it had something with keeping the control or something like that, but this time, I just wanted to choose the place. I brought him back to the park we had gone to meet last time and we walked around, enjoying the sun and the weather. It was quite a big and popular park but he had a cap on and I was clearly not famous enough to be recognized. I frowned a bit when he stepped out of the traced path to reach a part with a lot less people and sat in the grass as I did the same. We hadn't talked at all and it was not awkward. Silence was never awkward between us. After a while, I just lied down in the grass and crossed my ankles to stare at the sky. It took him a few seconds but he did the same and I noticed he had kept both his hands on his chest.

"That's a dragon." I let out, "A dragon who clearly doesn’t spit out fire. More like, bubbles or something."

I brought my arm up and traced the clouds with one of my fingers as he chuckled.

"That looks more like a snowman to me."

"A snowman? Do you have imagination at all?" I argued, raising my nose up before using a dumb voice. "Oh look, a cloud that's shaped like a cloud?"

He laughed too and I glanced at him right on time to see him lick his lips. "Okay, a few sheep then. And a fence." he paused. "Okay this one looks like two persons having sex."

"No, Niall, that's just projection."

This time, he let out a louder laughter and I smiled more. I turned back to the sky, feeling a cold breeze on my cheeks, and my eyes fluttered. My heart did exactly the same when I felt Niall's fingers grip my hand that was laying on the grass, between us.

"No PDA, remember?"

"Yea I'm re-thinking that rule."

I felt something jump in my chest as the surprise took over me but decided not to say anything. The more time I was spending with Niall, the more I realized that he had changed, and a lot. He was more mature, more balanced and clearly way more ready to settle than he used to be.

The day went by very well. We grabbed food on our way back, ate in the car and ended up at the movies. When we walked back inside his house, I felt tired and stretched with a yawn.

"Wine?" he asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Beer is fine."

I followed him to the kitchen and sat on the counter as I looked at him open a beer and throw the cap in the bin. He took a sip and once again I rolled my eyes as he handed it to me.

"When I open it, there's a tax." he explained as If I didn't already know that rule. It had been instituted when we were teens and he had never stopped doing it since then.

"The tax could be something else than a sip, you know." I proposed with a smirk.

"Okay, show me your tits, then."

"You already took a sip." I pointed out.

"Take a sip of my beer and we'll be even. And then, show me your tits."

I laughed but ignored his request before I licked my lips.

"Yesterday you told me you saw me naked a few weeks ago and jerked off thinking about me int he shower." I told him, suddenly a bit stressed. "Remember?"

"Clearly."

I looked down at my beer as he stood near me, his right side leaned against the counter.

"I saw you in the shower." I added.

"Yea I remember you telling me that last night too." he smiled.

"Mm, when I saw you it turned me on. I.. I touched myself, too. While you were jerking off in the shower. I literally masturbated with you but you never saw me."

His lips parted a bit and he put his beer away before letting out the air in his lungs quickly. His eyebrows raised again and he moved between my legs, grabbing the beer from my hands and putting it away with his as he spread his hands on my thighs. He didn't say anything else, he just reached for the hem of my pants and immediately, I held myself with my hands on the counter and moved my ass up. He pulled on my pants, bringing my panties with them and let them fall on the floor before taking a step back.

"Get your feet on the counter, spread those thighs, darling."

I felt my heart jump in my chest and bit my bottom lip before doing what he asked. His gaze immediately dropped between my legs and he grabbed a chair, placing it in front of me before sitting on it. He made a quick chin movement in my direction before looking up in my eyes.

"Show me what you did." he let out. "Do it like I'm not here."

It took me a few seconds to react but I brought two fingers to my mouth, leaving some spit on them before bringing them between my legs. I let my fingers brush on my clit and slip inside me for a few seconds before going back to my clit. I couldn't take my eyes off of him and the way he was looking at me with a stoic face was driving me insane.

"You know, last time was easier because you were touching yourself."

I had no idea what went through his head but he kept looking at my fingers rubbing against my clit and slipping inside me alternately for a few minutes and finally took his cock out and started stroking it very slowly. The sight made a whimper escape my lips and my thighs tensed as I reached for my clit again. He looked amazing and there was nothing I wanted more than to watch him touch himself until he'd reach an orgasm except maybe feeling him inside me. My eyes were stuck on his cock and when he started leaking precum, I took my hand away from my pussy.

"I think you should come here and fuck me."

"No, you come here and sit on me."

I nodded quickly and moved off the counter before straddling him, still holding myself with my feet on the floor. He watched his cock enter me as I sat on it and let out a curse word as I quickly took my shirt and bra off. Once again, I was naked and he was completely dressed but I didn't mind. I felt at ease to be vulnerable in front of him, and that thought brought me close to tears.

I started moving up and down on him and I felt his hands run on my breasts, stomach, back an ass. He spanked me gently and then a bit harder, making me ride him quicker. It felt too good and my whole body started throbbing as I came close to an orgasm. He groaned and I felt his hands on my hips, helping me up. It made me frown but I followed his lead as he took my hand and brought it between my legs. I started rubbing my clit again and whimpered as I saw him jerk or again. I could feel the tip of his cock brush between my legs with each stroke of his hand and when he came, he pushed my hand away and I felt myself start shaking, his cum spurting against my clit as the tip of his cock brushed against it, helping me reach my peak too. I quivered and moaned, hearing him groan and the whole sight was just too hot. I knew it would probably make a mess but I really didn't give a fuck. I was panting as I slowly got down from my high and reached between my legs with my hand, my fingers brushing on my sensitive clit as I spread his cum on my pussy.

"That was so hot." I confessed in a whisper, making him look up in my eyes.

He got up without answering and grabbing my face to kiss me hard. I felt his cock press against my stomach and moaned in his mouth as he smiled through the kiss.

"Stay naked." he murmured as I nodded before I followed him to his room.

I saw him take off his clothes too and went to the bathroom to clean a bit before getting back in bed. He turned the lights off and we stayed together in silence, just watching the ceiling.

"Heidi sent me a picture of you in a wedding dress." he finally just randomly said after a few minutes. "That's why I didn't answer your text message, I was just so... flabbergasted by how good you looked."

I felt a wave of hated for Heidi for half a second but when I realized what Niall had said, it quickly vanished. I knew I looked ridiculous, no matter which dress he had seen me in, but the fact that he thought I looked great made my whole body feel warm suddenly.

"I want a future with you, Olivia." he just admitted, leaving me speechless.

He turned to me and pulled me closer before I heard him start singing. I closed my eyes to focus on his words and besides his voice, all I could hear was the sound of my heartbeats.

"My mind is complicated Find it hard to rearrange it But I'll have to find a way somehow Overreacting lately Find it hard to say I'm sorry But I'll make it up to you somehow

And I just don't know why The stars won't shine at night

Tell me you want it A thousand miles away from the day that we started But I'm standing here with you just tryna be honest If honesty means telling you the truth Well, I'm still in love with you

Did I miscalculate this? Let's just go back to basics Forget about what's come and gone 'Cause I hate to see us like this Breaking up on nights just like this We should be shooting for them stars of gold

So tell me you want it A thousand miles away from the day that we started But I'm standing here with you just tryna be honest If honesty means telling you the truth Then I guess we lost our focus And it's killing me that we could go to war like this But I'm standing here with you just tryna be honest If honesty means telling you the truth Well I'm still in love with you

Oh, we'll be alright Oh, it'll be alright Oh, we'll be alright Oh, it'll be alright

So tell me you want it A thousand miles away from the day that we started But I'm standing here with you just tryna be honest If honesty means telling you the truth I guess we lost our focus And it's killing me that we could go to war like this But I'm standing here with you just tryna be honest If honesty means telling you the truth Well I'm still in love with you"

I held my breath for so long I thought I was just going to pass out but I inhaled again when I felt tears fall down my cheeks. He sniffed and my eyes fluttered open only to see him crying. We just stayed there, laying in the dark, looking at each other, both crying, overwhelmed by feelings we didn't really know how to handle. I moved closer and kissed his lips until he deepened the kiss. I tasted the saltiness of his tears and he probably tasted mine, but we didn't care. All that mattered was his warm naked body against mine and the words he had sang to me.

"I love you so much." he sobbed to me in a whisper. "I wrote this the first day I saw you again at the bakery."

I wanted to tell him that I wanted it, just like he asked. I wanted to tell him that I was ready to jump back into this, to be with him and give us an other chance, but I just couldn't. I breathed in deeply and took a decision though. I was going to break up with Dylan. Clearly, it was not working and whether I decided to be with Niall again or not, I couldn't just keep Dylan around and keep on hurting him for weeks.

"That's one of the most beautiful songs I ever heard, Niall." I murmured, feeling my lips brush against his. "All of your songs for me..."

I cried again, letting more tears fall on my cheeks.

"We did lose our focus it's true... but it's back. I focus on you Niall. And you're right, we'll be alright."

I heard him break down again and it broke my heart. I brought my mouth on his against and we kissed some more. I felt his hand on my back and his fingers holding me so tight that they sank in my skin. I wanted to tell him how much I loved him but there were no words. I wish we could have a longer conversation and I felt like there were so many things left unsaid that clearly needed to be heard, but there was no way I was going to ruin this moment.

"I love you, Niall. We'll be alright." I repeated low before I heard his voice crack slightly.

"We'll be alright."

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maknaesdancersrappers · 4 years

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july 21

hello. july 21 is a special day for me and you dont have to read this because its just me venting out my thoughts and emotions as long as i can without word/character limits on any platform.

july 21 is my maternal grandmother’s birthday. when i was born, my mom went abroad often and my dad had the regular 9 to 5 job plus extra hours for commute. so growing up with my sisters who are 5 and 7 years older, our grandparents and aunts took care of us.

im also more fond of my maternal grandmother since my paternal grandmother lived far away and we rarely ever get to see her (usually only during summers and once she stayed with us for awhile) until she passed away from Alzheimer's.

during the long hiatus i took early this year (late december to mid-march?), a lot has happened in my life. my health was put at risk because of the ash fall brought by the volcano eruption (january 12); i had allergies for weeks - i couldnt breathe properly, let alone sleep because of it. it was about to be the second year after graduating college and i have yet to get a job; the pressure from my family - and myself - was so unbearable that i caught myself slipping back to my very, very, very dark thoughts. and the worst thing that happened in those three months: my grandmother passed away. in filipino, grandmother is lola (loh-lah) and i’d like to use that for the rest of this post.

if you ask anyone in their neighborhood, any of our family friends, and relatives, everyone will tell you that her death was sudden. because everyone knows her as the sometimes-funny-sometimes-cranky old lady that owns the convenience store at the corner of the street. she was 96. she was 96 but she refused to get a wheelchair or use a walking stick even though her knees started to hurt after a few steps. she was 96 but didn’t need glasses to read most of the time. she was 96 but didn’t have any maintenance medication. ever since she reached her 90′s, she had gone to the town clinic at least twice because she fell over (from loss of balance) and busted her head. yet she would walk the next day like she doesnt have stitches on her scalp. she hated going to the doctor, she’d always claim that nothing hurts and the only thing she wanted the doctor to fix was her hearing (its as weak as how her eyesight is clear)

i wasnt the only one in the family that got severely affected by the ash fall. my lola also had trouble breathing because of it. she also went to the doctor for it and they only prescribed her antibiotics. please remember this info. this should be around early february

she got a little better but her voice was very hoarse from the phlegm. even before this, lola had little to no appetite and would only eat when someone else is eating (usually if it’s us, her granddaughters). and by little to no appetite, i mean her whole meal would be three spoonfuls of rice and one piece/chunk of whatever the main dish/ulam is. whenever we ask if she had eaten (even though we know she hadnt) she’d always claim that she already has (this eventually became a little joke in our family.) we took this sign as her dementia getting worse (although she was never really diagnosed with it, we had naturally assumed it because she would always repeatedly tell us stories that she insists happened even though some have been debunked and there were times she forgets our names if we havent visited in a while.)

after she gets better from the cough (idk the real diagnosis of it), her legs started to swell and because her routine had been reduced to being bedridden for most of the day, my aunts thought it was just poor circulation. it took two weeks before they brought her back to the town clinic and again, they just prescribed her with some medicine. everything after this is blurry to me until feb 21

my mom, being the eldest, made the decision to bring lola to the hospital. she’s, rightfully, unsatisfied with the town doctor’s diagnosis and prescriptions because lola is in so much pain and her legs were still swollen and its been weeks. i was with her in the emergency room while my mom and aunt did the paper work and the staff ran tests on lola. i’m contacting my sister who was in singapore and we’d video call to entertain lola since she was very adamant - and vocal - that she did not want to be admitted to the hospital bc she was “fine.” goSh she made so many hospital staff laugh because she would always announce whenever she had to fart. after like 2 hours, we move her into a ward and my mom tells me that i’ll have to stay overnight to watch over her. i was very apprehensive of this idea. i honestly did not want to. seeing her in pain was bad enough, but the fact we were in a room with other people and she was crying out loud made me really anxious but it was final. my mom, aunt, and uncle all went back home just to have dinner and they’ll come back since lola’s doctor would be coming by to give the results and for that hour they were gone? i lost it.

lola started talking/praying out loud, asking god why she was in so much pain, asking what she had done to deserve this; and i didn’t know what to do but hold her hand and kiss her head. i couldn’t even show her i was crying. when my mom got back, i told her i cant do it and she eventually convinced my other sister to join me, who cancelled her plans for the next day. that night, i did not and could not fall asleep. after a few hours, her doctor finally came by and dropped a bomb on us. he was kind enough to talk to my mom and aunt behind the curtains in the softest voice ever while i helped the nurse with lola, but i could hear him crystal clear.

cancer of the liver.

they even momentarily walked back to lola to touch her stomach and stepped back out. i almost thought i misheard, but my mom and aunt’s expressions were too grim that it basically confirmed it. later on, my mom finally told me and explained that the antibiotics she had been taking weeks ago were too strong for her because of her lifestyle and diet. there were tumors in her liver and surgery wouldn’t do anything. i dont remember what i did aside from sketching on the journal i brought, but until i got home at 10am the next day, i did not sleep a wink.

feb 22. when i woke up at 2PM, i was told that they had lola discharged from the hospital. there was nothing we could do but try to ease the pain to the best of our abilities and wait. starting that day, i went over to lola’s house to help out with feeding her, giving her medicine, and just trying to keep her happy by randomly smiling at her when i see her looking around or dancing to no music.

feb 24. these were the early weeks of covid - ph hadn’t had a case yet, i believe, but travel restrictions were being implemented. my sister in singapore was doing everything to make sure she could come home because we don’t know when, but we know lola was leaving soon. of all the things our mom told her not to do, she cried at the entrance of the embassy and by the grace of god, someone took pity and listened to her (bc she was denied entry since she had a small cough) and she was able book a flight at midnight and be home in 4 hours. that afternoon, when i arrived at lola’s house, that was the very first time i stood at the doorway to greet her like i usually did and she didn’t smile. not even the corners of her lips moved. she was in that much pain that she couldn’t even greet me back like she always did, which was to smile and nod her head. that night, we all decided to sleepover there (with the exception of my dad since he had to feed our dogs at home). i take my usual seat in the living room and i notice a white dress that i remember (from photos) being lola’s 50th anniversary wedding gown and without being told, i know it was what she was going to wear for the very last time.

feb 25. being notoriously a late sleeper, i was about to go to sleep at 2AM when i hear lola groaning and whining out loud. when i checked her, her stubborn lil ass was trying to get out of bed alone!!! so i obviously panic and try to wake up anyone by exclaiming that lola had to go to the bathroom - she’s been wearing adult diapers for weeks now but refuses to go in them and is adamant about bringing her to the bathroom so she could relieve herself - so me, and the same aunt and uncle from the hospital, assisted her into this modified chair so she could pee and the only thing i could do was hold her hand, like always. after that, my uncle said he’d watch over her and lie down beside her on the bed so in case she needs to go again, he can take care of it himself. after falling asleep, i heard a few hours later that my sister from SG arrived. when i woke up later on, my sisters and i presented ourselves to lola bc its been so long since she last saw us complete, and this time she was able to give us a small nod of acknowledgement. i realized that none of my uncles and aunts went to work that day, thinking it was just so we could be complete since my sister was home. but then i overhear them making plans to have a priest come over for the sacrament of anointing of the sick - which based on my last and only experience (my grandfather/lolo), this must be the day. during the session, a few of my aunts and an uncle cried. my sisters cried, too, but i forced myself not to. when the priest left, i don’t know how long, but suddenly, she was gone. i didn’t know how to react. this was the second time i’ve seen someone pass away before my very eyes. everyone was crying out for forgiveness, kissing lola’s head, but i couldn’t move one bit. i was finally crying, but i couldn’t move at all.

3 days. from learning about the real problem with lola, it only took 3 days for it to take her away from us. not even a week, or a month. the only bright side to this was that she’s finally relieved of all the pain that’s been causing her suffering. 3 days of knowing her time was very, very short, but it was still a shock when she finally left.

for the longest time, lola’s goal was to reach the age of 100 because apparently our government will reward her with 100,000 pesos (like 2k usd) for doing so. she wanted to reach 100 because she wanted to leave us with some inheritance haha. and everyone believed she could do it. no one doubted her. until this happened. maybe its just me, but i feel foolish... completely stupid and ignorant for knowing deep down in my heart that she would reach 100 that losing her 3 years prior her goal hurt me more than ever.

it’s been 5 months but remembering her death still makes me cry. i have dreams (and you all know im a lucid dreamer) where she’s still alive and we’re talking about how she beat cancer at 96 in just a few months, but then i’ll remember that she didn’t and the dream in front of me just shatters and i’ll wake up empty and crying. i have never felt so much regret after she passed bc all she wanted was to see me graduate and it was up to me to show her that i got my first job and give her a portion of my first salary, but i couldn’t even do that. i waited too long and now its too late. her ideal type for me was a rich atenean boy who could drive 😂 and i still couldn’t give her that bc im so anti-men. there was a time i was so scared to go back to lola’s house bc she called me out during dinner - “baket ka malungkot/why are you sad?” - when all i was doing was browsing through my phone, scarily enough going through another “episode”, and the last person i’d ever want to know about my possible depression was her. of all my suicidal episodes, i’ve always resolved them by thinking of her - that i will continue living because i wanted to see her smile. because i wanted to see her happy.

i miss her so much. i wish i had been a better granddaughter to her. the small things i’ve done for her were never enough. in the past 5 months, i’ve only dreamt about her twice (actually being with her) and both times made the day so hard to function. i havent moved on and i dont know if im the only one. i dont know if i’ll ever move on. she would have been 97 today. whenever she forgets my name, i’ll tell her i have the same birthday as her and she’ll remember me. she’ll say “ahhh rosean! july 10!”

if someone read through this, im sorry you had to go through that mess. but thank you for hearing me out. no, i’ll thank you the way my lola would thank people, verbatim:

thank you very much from the bottom of my heart.

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spaceysp · 4 years

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Saying random stuff to feed into the hyperfixations; pick one of these statements to rant about because I wanna read :)) if u want,

How skeppy must feel with everyone meeting up cause BaD JUST COME ON ,

Opinions on bad planning to take skeppy to dinner and all that jazz ,

Skeppys newest video on the skep channel where bad and skeppy are surprisingly sweet to eachother (and how lately in general bad has been less angee with him) ,

Literally the whole discount skeppy situation , bad being literally in love,

Ride with U,,,,,hetero,,,,explanation,,,, anywhere?

ANONNNNN I OWE YOU MY LIFE ILY

im literally going to talk about all of these so im sorry but read more at your own risk

one: skeppy, i am so sorry a mf does this to you. but seriously, i can only think of a few reasons (that dont sound entirely made for fanfic) that bad keeps putting off meeting skeppy

1. (the most unlikely) theyve already met and they keep the bit going so the fans dont find out. i can get that they wouldnt want to tell at first because its their own business, but i seriously doubt they would wait very long to confirm it, because ppl honestly can put a lot of pressure and hype on the meetup (esp with skeppy’s “surprise”) so i think theyd release something just so everyone knew that it finally happened! they didnt lie!

2. bad just doesnt want to meet skeppy (actually nvm this is the most unlikely)

bad seems to be genuinely excited to meet skeppy, even claiming skeppys the one to keep putting it off, not him (which skeppy immediately disproved but) and saying over and over he wants to meet up with him, but always avoiding actually making plans (every single tweet about the meetup) so its clear he does want to meet skeppy eventually, which makes trying to figure out why he wont even harder

3. its not the right time/ waiting for a specific date

leading up to this, i was thinking that there was a pretty good chance theyd meet up on their anniversary, but that never happened rip. the issue is with this is that they guaranteed they would meet up before the end of the year, and at this point theres only one “event” left, but they still dont seem to have any plans to meet. if bad was waiting for the perfect time to do it, why not just tell skeppy to confirm a meetup date? it would get him (and maybe the fans, if they told them) off his back. another variant of this is that there is a set date, but they havent told the public, but again, skeppy seems to be just as much in the dark about this as everyone else

4. health issues

bads apparently been feeling pretty under the weather lately, with his arm and kidney stones, its very plausible (and reccomended, imo) that bad doesnt want to travel when hes having these problems. of course, skeppy could visit, but he could either not want to spend their time together sick or the plans they have could also be too straining. i think this is probably one of the most likely atm, go see a doctor bbh im begging you

5. bads nervous

this is also one of the more plausible to me. for whatever reason, bads just anxious about it, whether it wont be the same as talking online, or be super awkward or whatever, he could just keep putting it off for that (its still weird and kinda doesnt make sense but in a more realistic way this time)

i know i totally went off track but this brings me to my point, skeppys kinda just waiting for bads confirmation at this point, so seeing his friends have fun meeting up is probably just lowkey depressing and i could see him using it as more the reason they should meet up. really the only thing he can do in this situation(at least, as far as i can tell) is what he has been doing, annoy bad about it or he take advantage of bads jealousy and meet up with someone else. the other option is to randomly come to his house, but it doesnt seem like skeppy is gonna do that, maybe to respect his boundaries? if he was planning on it i think he wouldve done it by now

OKAY NUMBER TWO LETS GO

this kinda ties into my point in the “reasons why bad wont meet skeppy” thing, that bad seems really excited to meet him yet still wont?? its clear he really values any time spent with skeppy, but he also make sure skeppys having a good time too! that why he never does any actual work with skeppy around (i.e. building statues or gathering materials for such), he knows its boring so instead theyll wander around the server telling stupid stories or punching each other off stairs for 20 minutes. im sure itll be the same irl, he mentioned wanting to meet somewhere like a nature reserve or amusement park, probably to make sure theres never a dull moment or time wasted. dinner seems much more low-key, and i wouldnt be surprised if bad just wanted to have an excuse to try and impress him with a nice totally-platonic date

NUMbeR tHree *airhorns*

they really do be the best of friends! ive noticed that skeppys def been trying to halt arguments fairly quickly now, saying a lot to appease bad and move on, and while bad seems to like to start fights for fun, hes also been a lot more chill lately, im guessing because hes been oh-so desperately missing skeppy and big s was also in Baby mode (aka if bad disagreed with him hed probably just cry until he got his way((sand))) i think that vid just showed them being a lot more natural and happy to talk (plus bad usually is more argumentative when theyre competing, while in that vid they were either just hanging out or working towards a common goal)

n u m b e r f o u r

where to even BEGIN with discount skeppy. well, bad actually first came up this idea a few months ago, in either july or august on an idots smp stream when he crafted an ‘artificial skeppy’ in his snack shack that he could talk to whenever skeppy was gone. as we all know idots smp is now rip, but the idea of replacement skeppys remained, just this time they can talk and also ship skephalo. it actually seemed like more of puffys idea at first when she put on skeppys skin as a joke, which bad didnt like the first few times, but when she brought it up again he actually requested it (missing skeppy brainrot 🤔?) this could be either cuz bad wanted to bait some shippers so gave in or he thought it was a pretty funny bit so went along with it (or he actually missed skeppy that much.. surely not ??) either way i think we can agree puffy is not only a comedic genius but a top tier friend and slight wingman, and getting some good jealous skeppy content out of it is also top tier. in conclusion, love and appreciate discount skeppy, badboyhalo has only skeppy on his brain and his friends have to deal with that, hoes (skeppy) mad even though the whole bit is how much bbh is into him

NUMBER FIVE im really doing all of them

What, can be said, about ride with u. GODDAMN. im not tryna insinuate anything, but if someone told me that song reminded them of me i would have no choice but to marry them immediately. i really really want someone to ask bad what songs remind him of any of his other friends (dream, sapnap, george, ant, puffy, etc.) because there are three options

1. theyre just cool platonic friend songs and bad is just in love with skeppy

2. he cant think of any songs for them and bad is just In Love with skeppy

3. they have equal romantic undertones and bad is just Like That with his friends (even so i bet people would be picking out the most minute differences between the songs that make one more.. You Know than the other)

i know FOR SURe that if i was in bads position (where even the person who made the lyric video assumed they were gay in love) i wouldve curled into a ball and never made another public appearance again, but he really owned that shit, singing it and making unprompted references to it (”i already have a bonnie” YOU AINT SLICK SIR WTF)

i just wanna know if skeppys listened to it (i mean, hes surely at least heard of it, i know he wouldve seen it all over his timeline) and what he thonks about it. pls tell us big s do you also feel the love in this chilis tonight (ALSO when is someone gonna ask skeppy what song reminds him of bad. im waiting ((hed probably say something like a faster remix or something equally memey (((unless???)))

ANYWAY SORRY FOR MAKING YOU READ ALL OF THAT HOLY SHIT i dont wanna reread this to check for errors so it might be incoherent but again ty for letting me infodump about this it was super fun im in love with you anon

#tw caps

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dontyouhearmehowling · 5 years

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oh my god. Ok so I just scrolled through your blog and my heart hurts because there is so much love and just so much stuff I can relate too and I just ahhh damnnn it I cant even but like can I please have the story of your relationship with this girl your with? please? i'm a hopeless romantic I feel too much I love so hard my own love life is complicated but i know the kind of love you talk about thats exactly how i love the love of my life too so yours is a story I need to hear

ok so. it all started on April 31st, 2018. i reblogged one of those ask games and she sent me an emoji that said “i’m too scared to talk to you but i think you’re great” and i was like do it!!! and she did!!!! she texted me after i had already gone to sleep tho, so i only answered the next day. but then we talked all day. and the next. and the next. and we never ran out of things to talk about and even only knowing her for a few days i already felt comfortable enough with her to talk about anything?? it was wild. since day 1 we’ve had this connection that i’ve never had with anyone else and its my favorite thing in the world. after like a week we already had a bunch of inside jokes, something that i’d never had before, and i was already crushing on her. ok so we became very close friends like immediately, and i mostly ignored my crush on her bc i thought she didn’t like me back and usually i’d get meaningless crushes on everyone at first before i met her. but then this other girl and i started flirting and i realized i didnt like her bc i liked c too much, so i broke things off and kinda went like “oh shit this is real” and decided that i’d just stay friends with c until i eventually couldnt take it anymore and had to tell her abt my feelings bc thats how i am. anyways ok cool meanwhile i made her watch the good place on rabb.it with me which will be relevant later.

ok so fast forward to may 21st or something around that time. its time to sleep bc i have school the next day so we say goodnight, but then i guess she says something or reblogs something and i get sad bc i realize she doesnt like me back. so i make some hashtag sad posts abt yearning and then i realize i told her i was going to sleep and i didnt want her to think i didnt want to talk to her so i text her again and say like “ok i was going to go to sleep but then i got sad abt my crush” and SHE GOES “you have a crush????????” and im there like. what in the hell bc not only did i not try to hide it At All, i constantly posted about it and had an entire tag about her and i thought it was pretty obvious. so anyways i go “yes?? i thoought you knew that?? im literally always posting about it??” and she asks me to talk abt the crush and who it is. i say “just stalk the tag if u want, im going to sleep” then shes like “nO WAIT WHO IS IT” and im like. blatantly ignoring that and my heart is already beating out of my chest but she Really wants to know and then at one point i say “please dont make me answer that” so shE SAYS “you’re making me think that its me” and i say “i dont know what you want me to say” and SHE GOES “I WANT YOU TO SAY THAT ITS ME BC I HAVE A HUGE CRUSH ON YOU” so i just. die. right then and there. also yknow we talk about it and its like after 1 am and im just happier than i’ve ever been. ok so 2 days later she asks me out Officially and its great and shes the cutest gf ever and she made me feel more wanted than i’d ever felt in my entire life. then 6 days later she sends me a big big big text on tumblr and long story short (bc it was kinda personal), she would be deleting her all social media for the summer.

so she was gone. and we had only dated for a week at this point, but we’d known each other for 2 months, and i already loved her. i already knew she was the love of my life. i didnt even try to move on, i’d tell people i didnt wanna move on cuz i knew i was meant to love her. i had another blog like this that i used to talk about how much i loved and missed her (so like. exactly like this). i literally reasoned with myself that like. that happened because before i met her i was in a really bad place after a terrible relationship and i was almost giving up on finding someone who actually made me feel loved bc i thought it would never happened, so i was like “ok so i was in a really bad place, so the universe brought my soulmate a little early just for a while so that i would know i had to hold on, and when its actually time for us to be together, it will bring us to each other once again” like i actually told myself that, in those words. and yknow what? i wasnt even wrong. on july 15th she texted me from an empty tumblr with her old url and at first i literally couldnt believe it but we talked for hours and hours and i asked her what happened bc i thought she was disconnecting for the summer and she said “i was. i am. i just couldnt not talk to you anymore” and she said that she thought about me every single day, and i told her i missed her and she said she didnt text sooner bc she thought i’d be angry at her and ofc i wouldnt, i could never be angry at her and besides, she was just taking care of herself and i said i dont think i could be anything less than head over heels for for, and she said she felt the same way, but wasnt ready to be more than friends yet. but that had always been more than enough for me. just having her in my life would always be more than enough for me. so we stayed friends.

then, on august 9th i got this ask.

and she saw it after i said i was gonna go to bed (bc again, i had school the next day) and she texted me a whole thing about how that was the nicest thing anyone had ever said about her and that i should be asleep but she had to get it out of her chest and that her anxiety made it hard for her to show how much i meant to her so she was sorry if i didnt know and this would probably make no sense but she was tired of keeping it to herself bc shes the luckiest person alive for having met me and that it was gonna be so hard because shes so difficult (shes not) and her anxiety is difficult but that she literally spent every night thinking about me and of buying plane tickets to come see me so that she could be with me. then she was like “im sorry if this is uncomfortable to you and you can just ignore it but i think im in love with you and this is over text and not romantic at all (it was the most romantic night of my life) but you’re asleep (i wasnt) and we arent together but i want to be one day” and until this i was Trying to fall asleep and then i checked my phone that kept RINGING and died a thousand times over and started to answer and she sent other texts saying “i’ve never felt this way about anyone before i’m so in love with you its fucking ridiculous and this is gonna be so complicated but fuck i want this so bad / i’m sorry it took me so long / would you move to new york with me?” and i was This Close to literally fucking exploding like. how the hell was this happening how was it not a DREAM. so we talked and i obviously said i loved her too and eventually she asked me out and thats still probably the best night of my life. other highlights: “i’ve loved you way before august 9th so jot that down” and “off topic but i love you / you’re honestly my other half” and, after i said “you cant make me laugh its 2am”, she answered “i’m going to make you laugh for the rest of your life so help me god” and thats my favorite thing anyone has ever said to me probably and so far she’s kept her word.

anyways we got back together and then she told me that she never even told her friends she broke up with me??? bc that way she could keep pretending we were still together???? literally like sjdksndk imagine being this loved. i dont have to. anyways she wrote poems abt me sometimes and her christmas gift for me was gonna be a book with all her poems and she called it “what we owe to each other” because of the good place (remember how i said it’d be relevant later? its later) bc like she said that when we were watching tgp together on rabb.it thats when she realized that she Really Truly liked me like For Real. and the inscription on the book was going to be “to the girl i love / and what i owe her” and. yall. i cry. anyways one of the poems had a huge impact on us. heres the story:

and she got them but we broke up before she got to mail them to me. what happened was she had some mental health problems and she said she couldnt give me what i needed at the time but knew i’d still give her my all bc thats just how i am and she thought it wouldnt be fair so she broke things off to work on her mental health. she said she would need some time before we could be friends. the last thing we said was that we loved each other. this was in like november 2018, and we didnt talk for months. i actually tried to move on this time after a while, but it didnt take. and then i gave up for good. havent tried since. but anyways, then, on march 11th, 2019, i had my first day of college back in my home country, and we have this “pranks”/games that seniors get to do to the freshmen, and one of them required eggs, and they asked us to paint them, so i panted mine as iron man bc it was easy, but c LOVES iron man. like. LOVES. like in a Whole New Level of loving. once when we were dating she said she loved me more than tony stark and i was like. shook. like she tattooed “T.S” on her ankle after him. u get the point. she loves him very much, its adorable and endearing and i love it. anyways. so i sent her a picture of it saying like “you dont have to answer this but i made this for my university and i thought you would like it” and she answered and IMMEDIATELY something clicked and we talked and talked and talked and it was never weird or awkward or uncomfortable. it never is with her. its incredible, i cant explain it. i Know shes my soulmate like thats the ONLY possible explanation for this kind of connection. its unreal. anyways. we became friends again! all was well.

then one beautiful night she drunk texts me sndjkajs she sends me so many texts and says it sucks that we live so far away and that she saw my posts (in this particular case, one that said something about like. when she talked about love now, was it about someone else?) and she said that it wasnt. and then she went to sleep and i only saw the texts when i woke up and i was DYING bc we had a 4 hour difference and it’d take a while for her to wake up. when she did, we talked and she said she wasnt over me and was scared she might never be, and even though we were still gonna stay friends, it was nice to know that she still loved me. ok so fast forward a bit more and i was starting to wonder if she’d moved on again, when she finds out her best friend had a crush on her, and that conversation ends up with her saying “it was 100% platonic for me / sorry if thats weird i just wanted you to know that” and it was NOT weird it was GREAT NEWS bc i was Hella jealous of her best friend and at first i wondered if they were dating and anyways the fact that she wanted me to know that was a pretty good hint that she still had feelings for me. ngl im still somewhat jealous of h (c’s best friend), but thats just bc im an insecure lil bitch and also bc they get to go out and do stuff together that i cant do with c bc of the distance, yknow? but anyways. then she went on a graduation trip in mid to the end of june and she bought me a magnet. just. out of nowhere. i cannot stress enough how Incredibly unexpected this was. so much so that i actually convinced myself that it meant she was over me????? literally. what the fuck. anyways we named him together and coincidentally (or bc of soulmate powers. who knows) we both had the same favorite names. i still love that.

okay so then we go to july 29th, 2019. first of all theres one of my favorite interactions Ever which was like after i was venting about something and i was thanking her and i said “you’re always here for me” to which she answered “nowhere else i’d rather be” and i still think thats peak romance and i will take no criticism on this. anyways so then she sent me a poem that she wrote based on a song i’d sent her (the song i called “heaven is a place” and its the BIGGEST mood for being in love and i sent it to her bc it was how i felt about her so her writing a poem about it?? literally the best thing ever. love it) anyways it was a beautiful poem and i cried and got very emotional and kinda went too far in my compliments (aka being very obvious about my romantic feelings) and then i was like oh no sorry if i made u uncomfortable and she was like. “you have NEVER. EVER EVER EVER EVER made me uncomfortable” “you’re the only person on planet earth i am comfortably myself around” and “there’s nothing you could ever say that i wouldn’t wanna hear” and anyways it was just very good and romantic conversation even tho we were just cough cough platonic hashtag gal pals hashtag no homo ✌️ and then she was like ok wait. i need to talk to u abt something. and in short she said she was waiting for us and i was like well what are you waiting for exactly? and she was like idk?? for us to accidentally bump into each other in new york in a few years?? WHICH WAS LITERALLY WHAT I’D DAYDREAM ABOUT BACK IN JUNE 2018 BEFORE SHE CAME BACK OKAY so anyways we had a Great conversation and said i love you about a thousand times each and she decided she was gonna buy tickets to come see me. and then she dID like TWO DAYS LATER. lichrally. queen of impulsivity but in the best way possible.

—————

ok quick edit here cuz i forgot to say that when i found out she was coming i asked for my mom’s help to make a necklace pendant for her from scratch. my mom works with prosthetics so she has the material to make jewelry and back when c and i were dating in 2018 i had made this lil design for a necklace that had the moon and the ocean (bc duh) and i was gonna give it to her for valentines day in 2019 but we broke up before that so i didnt get the chance, but when i found out i was meeting her i knew i had to. so i made the necklace in wax, like this:

and my mom took it to her work and heated it up to melt it and keep the shape of it to fill with silver, and this was the result:

i gave it to her when she got here and she wore it while she was here and it made me so happy. ok edit over

—————

ok so we kept being like couple-y but not officially in a relationship bc we didnt want to make her anxiety worse. also at one point she was like “so about the ‘i love you more than the moon/ocean’ thing, since we BOTH love BOTH of the moon AND the ocean, i think its only Fair if we update our love declarations to ‘i love you more than the mocean’ bc its mix of both but thats not a word, buT its pronounced exactly like ‘motion’. therefore we should both start saying ‘i love you more than the motion’”. so now we have both the wonderful, romantic, original version, and the NOT ROMANTIC AT ALL DO U HEAR ME C??? version :) and after this day she always started with the WORST!!!!!! version, and i always started with the Only Valid Version, but we’d still answer each other’s ofc because. well. thats love i gues?? it sorta goes like this though: her: i love you more than the motion / me: i hate u / me: i literally hate u so much / me: i Also love you more than the motion

but anyways she was coming to visit me but the plane ticket wasnt for my home country it was for where i was going to university at (a new university, i was starting over) and when i first got here on this campus, i didnt have a working phone number for this country, and i wouldnt be able to access the wifi for 3 days, so i had no way of talking to her. it was TERRIBLE and i missed her more than anything in my LIFE but when i got wifi (after CRYING to the people here bc theyre the most unorganized uni ever and i was already very overwhelmed and stressed) i immediately called her and she’d sent me over 100 text messages dkfjssjks it was amazing, there were two (2) videos of her singing (which is like. objectively the best thing in the world, and the song was rlly romantic and i love it sm when she showed it to me for the first time she said it made her think abt me), a poem, AND a HUGE text with “i love you” written like. a THOUSAND TIMES. seriously i have a gif of it opening and scrolling bc it was so long that the text wouldnt show up directly on the chat screen and u have to click on it to see the rest. i’d never felt more loved in my entire life by anyone ever. anyways so then it came the day for her to get here and i had to wake up at 5 am to go get her at the airport and the uber was like $40 but who CARES it was the best day of my LIFE and i got there 20 minutes earlier bUT GUESS WHAT SO DID SHE (hashtag just soulmate things) then we facetimed the entire time while she was walking through the airport and getting her luggage and then she hung up to walk to the door where i was and we hugged for like 5 minutes and we were totally in people’s way and also almost fell but it was the best thing in the world and i never should’ve let her go. but, we had to go home, so i did. and we spent 4 days together and im not gonna go into details bc this is already too long but u can always send me another ask about her visit if ur not a coward. also i bought her a hoodie from my uni and whenever she wears it i just. die. in short, those days were the happiest i’ve ever been. this campus res had never felt like home before that friday and it hasnt again since that monday, but i swear to god, during those 4 days, this was the only place i could possibly belong.

anyways then she left and i cried for the entire uber ride home and then i cried all day. lmao. also when she was here she gave me the poetry book, the magnet, and the bracelet. still wear the bracelet every single day and i love it more than anything. but then personal stuff happened and we kinda stopped being couple-y again and we’re just friends now but before new years i asked her if she still loved me and she said yes and she said she’d tell me if it changed so ✌️✌️ im assuming it hasnt. even tho my brain is a bitch and everyday its like. today. today is the day. this is when its gonna happen. buT yknow we’ve spent months before without even talking to each other and we got through that still in love, so i mostly ignore it. and tbh i know that actually like, even if we grow apart now (god forbid, but still) we’ll find our way back to each other eventually. like, i’ve said this before and i’ll say it again: nothing, not even the universe itself, can convince me that shes not my soulmate. and even if it turns out i’m not hers, loving her is still the greatest honor i can think of.

another edit: also i started drawing recently and the first person i’ve ever finished drawing was her and also (surprise surprise @c since you’re already seeing all my feelings anyway) bc of my second drawing i almost missed the deadline for one of my midterms (which was a take-home test) bc instead of writing it i spent the entire day before the deadline finishing the drawing which was a secret valentines day gift (secret as in she didnt know it was supposed to be a gift, she thought it was just a drawing inspired by a quote that she loves) and i finished at 2 am but shes 3 hours behind so for her it was still 11 pm which MEANS it was still valentines day so it still counts, i win, lesbian rights!

#mine #l #answered #dont rb #i dont think anyone will but this is personal and i dont want to risk it getting out #i wanna have this bc i love telling people this story and next time someone asks i’ll just send them this post

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writeanapocalae · 6 years

Text

A Detective in Junction

Read it on Ao3 | Chapter 1: Diving Back In

Warning: This is a Sequel to A Doctor in Union and may not make sense out of order

Sebastian groaned, glaring at his phone where it sat on the bedside table, lit up and buzzing and waking him. He slept lightly, napped through parts of the day, and there were many nights in which he didn’t sleep at all. He’d only barely fallen asleep. He should have ignored it, wrapped an arm around Stefano’s shoulders and gone back to sleep. No one ever texted him though, there had to be a reason for it.

He picked it up, the air chilly against his arm. Stefano grumbled in his sleep, if he was asleep, as the cold traveled down his back from the shift in blankets. The phone didn’t tell him much when he answered it.

‘Located JO. -JK’

His glare deepened, not understanding the code. The phone number wasn’t one that he recognized. For a moment he considered it a joke, especially because of the JK, but then his brain turned on fully and he bolted up out of bed, and there was no way that Stefano wasn’t awake after that.

He had to go. He had to go now.

He called the number back, even as Stefano groggily pulled himself up into a sitting position, a hot hand soft on his back.

“Where is he?” Sebastian gritted out, the sleepiness still in his voice, making it play-doh and slow.

“I don’t know if I should say it over the phone, otherwise I would have texted the coordinates,” Kidman sounded tired but in the way that she hadn’t slept yet. Sebastian could hear people in the background, lots of people.

“I thought you said Mobius was gone.”

“It is, but that still leaves a lot of other people out there wanting the technology. I haven’t even made it to the facility yet; I’m just hoping that I’ll be the first one to enter it.”

A panic was starting to grow in Sebastian’s chest, his heart pounding. Stefano was rubbing circles against his shoulder blade, trying to calm him. Joseph, found and possibly alive. He’d been hoping, he wasn’t a praying man but he’d considered it a few times, for Joseph to be alright. He definitely wasn’t alright but he was, possibly, salvageable. This was the first he’d heard anything about Joseph since finding out he was even alive.

“Where are you?” he switched tactics.

“I’m at the airport in Chattanooga, Tenessee.”

Sebastian pulled out of Stefano’s hold and out of the bed, dragging his jeans on from where he’d dropped them the night before. Stefano was shadowing him, which he did so well now that he was healthy enough to move on his own, silent in the darkness. If he hadn’t been there when Stefano got better, he would have been terrified of the change.

“I’m on my way.”

“We’re on our way,” Stefano corrected. Sebastian looked at him, seeing only the light of his phone reflecting in Stefano’s eye and nothing more.

“Text me when you get here,” Kidman hung up.

“So, where are we off to in the middle of the night?” Stefano asked, scooting past Sebastian for his cane and then over to the light switch, making them both half blind with light.

“You don’t have to go anywhere,” Sebastian grabbed a shirt and threw it on, not even looking at what it was. “And I need you here, to watch over Lily.”

Stefano opened a drawer in his dresser, pulling out a pair of dark olive slacks. “You sound as if it’s some sort of emergency and you should know by now that I don’t intend to make you go through something like that on your own. We can get a sitter for Lily.”

Sebastian paused a moment, uncertain. He was fairly certain that he’d never mentioned Joseph to Stefano. He couldn’t believe that he hadn’t. Joseph had been such a huge part of his life and when he was gone, Sebastian had fallen into the worst depression of his life, not that he could claim all of that was on Joseph’s apparent death.

“It’s two in the morning,” Sebastian grumbled.

“Well, can it wait until an actually humane time of day then?” Stefano slipped into a pale yellow dress shirt, “You’re going to have to explain to both of us what’s going on, after all.”

“Yeah, yeah, shit, I’m sorry,” Sebastian rubbed at his face. “Yeah, I’ll tell you in the morning. I’m just, I’m going to get ready in the mean time. I don’t think I’m going to be able to sleep.”

Stefano nodded but didn’t get undressed. He moved with Sebastian in silence, packing along with him. He noted the low amount of clothing that Sebastian was packing and followed suit, as if he knew that there wouldn’t be much need for a change of clothes in whatever adventure Sebastian was going on. Sebastian wanted to give in, to tell him right then what was happening. He didn’t want to go over it twice though. He didn’t want to argue with Stefano right yet, even though he knew that this would lead to that. He didn’t want Stefano going with him, didn’t want him ever falling into STEM again.

By the time morning came and Lily was awake he was a jumbled pile of nerves, no matter how softly Stefano touched him, pressing kisses to his temple and sliding his hand along his back whenever he could. The moment that Stefano left him to go downstairs, to prepare breakfast and get coffee going Sebastian sat down on the edge of the bed, trying to breathe, trying to think. He’d been thinking all night but he still didn’t have any idea what he was going to say, how he was going to say it.

He went downstairs a few minutes later, finding Lily and Stefano at the dining room table talking about something in hushed tones. Lily looked nervous and he couldn’t read Stefano at all, even though he could see much more of his face than he used to, Stefano getting more comfortable with his hair being a bit shorter on the right side of his face.

“There you are,” Stefano gave him a soft smile and Sebastian’s chest tightened, the anxiety swelling. He couldn’t do this to them, not when they’d all gotten settled in. He didn’t want to do this at all, but he owed it to Joseph, didn’t trust anyone to go in there in his stead. “Would you mind alluding us on what had you so worried last night?”

Sebastian sat in his seat, a cup of coffee and a plate of toast and eggs already waiting for him. He sighed. They were so good to him, too good. They didn’t deserve any of this.

“Kidman texted me last night,” he said, not lifting his head to make eye contact. “She found my old partner, back from KCPD, in an abandoned Mobius facility. He’s over in Tennessee and I-

“And you intend to go there and fish him out, is that it?” Stefano interrupted, his cup hiding his face. “This would be Joseph, correct?”

Sebastian balked.

“I told him about Uncle Joseph,” Lily raised a hand meekly. “You went into the bad place with him the first time, right? You think he’s still in there or do you think he’s a bad guy now?”

Sebastian looked from Lily to Stefano, his mouth still open. “You knew about him?”

“Lily used him as an excellent teaching tool to explain your sexuality to me,” Stefano waved the question off. “You do realize that there is no way that you’re going alone, correct?”

“You’re not coming with, neither of you,” Sebastian glared, trying not to let any real anger shine through, “Kidman will be there, I’m not going to be alone. And no, I don’t think he’s Mobius. He’s probably still in STEM.”

“That’s not going to happen,” Stefano placed his coffee on the table, crossing his arms. “I am going with you.”

“You lost enough to STEM,” Sebastian shook his head, “and to Mobius. When I said you’re never going back there, I meant it.”

“And miss your reunion with your boyfriend? I think not. Sebastian, you lost far more to Mobius then I did; I lost most of what I had before I ever went to them. I do not intend to lose you to them as well! Do not forget, as well, that I had a great deal of power in Union, that I understood how to bend through the logic of that place. I would be irreplaceable to you.”

“I’m eleven years old!” Lily added, “I don’t want to come with but I’m old enough to watch out for myself! I think you’ll do way better together than you would alone! Buddy systems and all that!”

They were teaming up on him and not in the way that he’d expected. He’d thought that they’d both be against him going at all. They must have both known how much Joseph meant to him, which didn’t make any sense to him, Stefano didn’t seem like the kind of person who would be willing to share him, especially not in a romantic sense. He found himself smiling, the anxiety not gone but the anxiety for their responses at least drowned out.

---

The airport was busy and it was hard to get through the crowds with their suitcases and the cane that Stefano hated so much. He pretended he didn’t rely on it as much as he really did but, after a few hours on a cramped airplane his legs felt weak and stiff. He wanted to hold Sebastian’s hand, not the cane, but he rested against it with each step.

He could feel anxiety prick at him, a thick buzzing in his veins, an urge to stop and breathe at the same time that it was propelling him forward. He swallowed it down. He didn’t need it. It wasn’t helpful. Sebastian needed him to be strong right then. He didn’t know if he could be. He kept thinking about going back down, wondering if he would wake up this time, since he’d barely been able to last time. He’d been lucky last time and he’d been lucky every day for the past year; that luck would run out eventually.

Sebastian raised an arm and Stefano jumped, not expecting it. Sebastian was on his bad side, which he did when he was nervous, thinking that Stefano didn’t recognize it. Usually it made him feel safe, having someone he trusted protecting that side, but he couldn’t feel safe now, he couldn’t feel much aside from dread.

Sebastian was waving to a woman, to Juli, who was waiting for them at one of the little cafes that cost a fortune. Stefano had only met her a few times, when he was healing, and he knew that he had made a terrible series of impressions in such a weak and meager state. He held his head higher, tried to be more imposing. He’d come a long way.

She didn’t smile when she approached them, just clutched the briefcase at her side and made sure there was no one watching her. She’d told Sebastian that Mobius was done for, but she was far too paranoid for such a response. He’d say that it made him uneasy, but he was already uneasy.

“I rented a car, come on,” she said, in place of a greeting. They followed her in silence, out of the air conditioning and out into the heat, to a small black car that was so uncharacteristic that it had to be on purpose. She opened the trunk and they both put their bags inside before climbing into the back, Juli driving.

Once they were belted in, Stefano’s cane over his lap, Juli opened the briefcase, pulling out some files and passing them back. Stefano took one while Sebastian had the other two and the car was started and out of the parking lot before they even had them open.

The file that Stefano had was on the Core, a ten year old boy named Jonathon. His last name was a large black stripe. Stefano’s hands started to shake as he read about the boy, about his high scores in standardized tests, about his wealth of empathy, about his love of art. He was just like Lily, even the terminology was the same as what Sebastian had quoted from Mobius. Lily had been taken away in the falsified fire though and, for Jonathon, the opposite was true, the fire had claimed his parents. There was no one to care that he was gone.

Jonathon was written as being clever and artistic, showing great promise but with obsessive traits. Stefano wasn’t reading in too much depth, he didn’t want to know all of the details. This all felt too familiar. He glanced over at Sebastian’s file instead, where he was reading on a young woman, Amber Fairen. She was a romance writer, 25, but none of her stories had ever been published. At the top of the page was the same terminology that was on Jonathon’s, just with a different number: Core Candidate #9.

“Are there multiple Cores?” Stefano asked, reaching out for the other file in Sebastian’s lap.

“Yeah, this is the most experimental version of STEM I’ve ever heard of,” Juli explained. “There’s no people involved, so you aren’t going to have to deal with civilians, aside from the Cores. I guess they saw that there were too many issues with just having a single Core in place and decided to try with three.”

“And the reasoning for there being a child?” Stefano continued. Sebastian was only half listening but he perked up at that, anger flashing over his features.

“Same reason as with Lily. There’s a level of innocence in children that haven’t been exposed to trauma and they are impressionable. They’re easy to control and manipulate.”

Stefano reached out to put his hand on Sebastian’s shoulder. He could see the tension growing in his brow.

“No people though, that’s good, that means that there wont be any monsters, nothing like the Lost.”

Sebastian glanced at him. He swallowed. He’d never seen Sebastian so angry and he couldn’t help but feel like it was directed at him. He was just trying to get some answers though, know as much as he could before they went in.

“There’s another major difference, they implied a Lucid Unit for Cerebral Integration,” Juli explained. There was no answer from the two men and she paused, her eyes trained on the road before she went into it, collecting her thoughts, “I saw a little bit of the planning for the Luci, but I never saw it used, I didn’t know it was completed. It’s a sort of artificial intelligence that was put in place for ease of cataloging and mapping STEM, since the map could be changed by the Cores at any time. They’re also used to report any errors to the Mobius members who would enter for testing purposes.”

An artificial intelligence? Stefano had heard that such things were in development but he didn’t think anything like that would be usable so early. Mobius acted as if they were gods though, it was completely possible that they had surpassed the rest of the world by bypassing ethics and other pesky laws.

“You think the Luci could be dangerous?” Sebastian finally spoke up, handing Amber’s file over to Stefano. He didn’t open the next one. Stefano was certain it was Joseph’s.

“I’m not going to say they wouldn’t be. With the way the Cores and the other test subjects have altered the surroundings in the past, I wouldn’t trust anything to be safe really. Just take it slow.”

---

He didn’t think there was a chance, not really. He hadn’t imagined that Joseph could be alive, not after he saw Kidman shoot him, but then he’d gone back in after Lily and Kidman had told him that Joseph was alive. He’d been so distracted though, with rescuing Lily, with getting Stefano out of STEM and then back on his feet, that he hadn’t had time to really think about Joseph. Joseph, who had been in STEM this whole time, had been living in one of these nightmare worlds, with only two other people, who could have been allies or enemies.

He should have tried harder. He should have tried earlier. He shouldn’t have left Kidman to hunt for him on her own.

She pulled up to the facility, which looked like an old water purification building, with mildew growing up the walls and the grass overgrown and a few creeping vines climbing up the sides. Stefano gave him a small smile, a squeeze to the shoulder, before he unbuckled and climbed out of the car. Sebastian sighed, following his lead.

It reeked. It smelled like Beacon, like the sewers underneath it, where the water was a dark and deep red from all of the blood and viscera that was mixed in with the water. It smelled like rotten meat and cold bile and mildew and the sickeningly sweet scent of garbage on a hot day. As they drew closer to the door, which sat open with a chair shoved against it to keep it from closing. There was a pile of limbs and flies and mistakes, of the bodies that Juli must have dragged out of the building all on her own. She wasn’t looking at them, she was unreadable, her face blank as she went into the building.

It looked like a Mobius building on the inside, all white tile and cement, cold and barren and clean, aside from the swivel chair that was at the end of a long smear of blood. He squeezed Stefano’s hand. He shouldn’t have been here. This wasn’t Stefano’s job. Stefano gave him a small smile and a squeeze of the hand back, as if there was nothing wrong. Everything was wrong.

Kidman hadn’t been overly talkative before this, had always given more questions than she answered, but now she led them past offices and labs and examination rooms without a word. She was pale, a sheen of sweat on her brow. She looked like she was coming down with something. She may have been, just from touching all of those corpses.

The STEM room was more complicated than the one for Union, which was more complicated than the one for Beacon. There were three of those metal cylinders, the same kind that Lily had been in, in a cluster in the center, the wires and tubes coming from them bound in different colored transparent tubing to keep them separate and recognizable as they led to monitors. There were eight tubs around the tubes and they were ergonomic, actually built for comfort and short time use. The people who went in weren’t supposed to stay in, the trips were meant to be shorter.

There were blood stains everywhere.

“You should get dressed, do whatever you need to do before getting in,” Kidman explained. “I can give you a moment if you want.”

There were security cameras in the corners of the room. Those made him feel a lot less private than Kidman not being there would. He didn’t care if Kidman saw him naked, he didn’t have much shame in those regards, she’d seen him much worse than just naked. Stefano looked uncomfortable though and his eye was trained directly at one of the tubs as if it were something much more than it was. He was looking at it because he knew what it actually was.

“Yeah. Yeah, that sounds good,” he shooed her away, letting go of Stefano’s hand to stroke up his arm. He didn’t even turn to watch her leave, had his attention on the man before him, who was pale and still intent on that tub. “Hey, you okay?”

Stefano bit his lip and nodded. “We’ll be in contact, won’t we? She can extract us whenever we need to be?”

“I have no intention of letting you out of my sight,” Sebastian promised, wished that his older promises were still holding up. “But yeah, we’ll both have communicators, remember? If we get separated, we’ll be able to find each other. And we can talk to Kidman whenever we need to.”

Stefano set his cane down, resting it against the tub. He drew closer to Sebastian, his hands finding Sebastian’s waist and stroking along it to wrap around him.

“You’re scared.”

“Of course I am,” Stefano admitted, laying his head against Sebastian’s chest. “You heard what she said. There won’t be any people in there, aside from the five of us.”

Sebastian hugged Stefano back. “Isn’t that a good thing?”

Stefano shook his head against him. “It means there will be less obstacles, I’m sure, less monsters, less casualties if we fail, but it also means less distractions.”

Sebastian pulled away from him a bit, “Less distractions? Isn’t that a good thing?”

“Before, when there were more minds connected, their obsession with normality, their ideas of what Union was supposed to be, made it harder to be manipulated for those of us who knew we were within a dream. I could create, of course, but when I did so in someplace other than my own space there was a chance that it would revert to how it had been. There will be less distractions in this STEM, which means that we’ll be able to change it without trying.”

“You think you’ll revert,” Sebastian sighed, realizing what Stefano was dancing around. He closed his eyes. “Stefano, that’s not going to happen. You were changed by Theodore, by Paolo, to become that killer. It’s up to you what you’ll become now. And I’ll be at your side all the while. If you think you’re going to falter, you can lean on me.”

“And if I hurt you?” Stefano asked.

“That’s not going to happen.” Sebastian kissed him, long and slow, reminding him that there was more to him than words. He was a man of action and that wasn’t always a good thing, but Stefano melted against his touch.

---

He had never expected to come back here. He had never wanted to. Juli had told them what to expect and it was so different from Union, but he still didn’t think that he was ready. He lay down in the tub, letting the fluids wash over him. His hands were on the sides of the tub though, knuckles white, and he turned to Sebastian, hoping for just one more argument, one more excuse as to why he shouldn’t come. He had been brave before, had acted like this wasn’t a compounding of trauma, but now it was happening, now it was real, and he wanted escape. Sebastian’s eyes were closed, his brows furrowed in concentration. They were going to do this.

“Don’t worry,” Juli put her hand on his shoulder, plugging him into the machine. “I’ll be out here for you. If it ever gets to be too much, you let me know. I’ll extract you as fast as I can.”

He nodded. That helped a little, even though he knew that if they came out they’d have to start over from the initial insertion point. He let go of the edges and let himself slide further under the liquid, taking one last look at the metal tanks that held the Cores.

This wasn’t like Union. In Union there had been only Lily and he hadn’t seen how they’d kept her in a metal chamber. There had been hundreds of tubs, like the ones that they were in, all of them citizens of that imaginary world.

He wasn’t ready for this. He’d ever be ready.

He closed his eye, following Sebastian’s lead, and suddenly he was falling back into the fluid, falling and plummeting, eye flying open to watch as so much of that white liquid fell away from him. He was unable to breathe, unable to fight against his drop into the depths. He felt himself start to choke on the nothing, reaching at nothing, wondering why Juli wasn’t pulling him up, wasn’t pulling him out. The liquid wasn’t that deep but he was miles down, the lights from outside a soft glow in the distance. He was struggling, trying to shove his way upward, but he felt a weight on his chest, a weight that was pulling him down. He opened his mouth but all that came out were the air bubbles that he so desperately needed.

He was dying. He had been a fool to agree to this. He’d known it at the time, too. But now he was drowning. Now he was suffocating. He was dying and it was pain and it was hands on his throat, in his lungs, shoving liquid into him.

And then it stopped and he was floating and there was no liquid around him. Either that or he didn’t need to breathe. He wasn’t sure, but he wasn’t suffering any more. He was slowly sliding down towards a field of pale blue grass, all of it reaching up for him, looking as if it would catch him and cradle him and pull him down into comfort. He looked around but he didn’t see Sebastian anywhere in this space. He wondered if Sebastian was in a place quite this beautiful or as terrifying.

He drew towards the bottom and he realized that there was no grass beneath him. The gentle swaying beneath him was not soft stocks but drowned fingers pale and blue from lack of air. They were attached to reaching arms, ready to grab him and keep him, to drag him down and make him one of them. He threw out his arms, trying to slow his decent, looking around for anything that he could grab onto. There was nothing but that field. He had no choice.

He kicked out, trying to keep the hands away. They did not care about broken or bloody fingers. The trailed their fingers over his socks, clung to his lounge wear, and held him tightly. He considered kicking off his pants in order to escape them but they were already holding him by the ankles, their skin so cold that it chilled him. It was elegant, in a way, the way that the hands all moved together, the field a garden of expression. It looked like an art piece that he would have made in a different life. Where he was now though, on this side of the exhibit, he was not so much an audience member as he was an unwilling participant.

The hands were heavier than the weight on his chest had been and when they grabbed they pulled, arms sliding into the field as if they were nothing more than tube worms. They were forced to release him as their fingers were separated by unadulterated earth. He stood among them, more tall ones waving at him, beckoning him closer, others trying to shove behind him. They were pointing him in a direction, towards a slanted building that kept flickering and flashing, glitching out into squares before scrambling into a different building altogether. There were five of them, if he had to guess, though it was confusing as some of them stole parts of others and they didn’t cycle in an order. The shorter ones were stretched out to match the heights of the taller ones, adding to the confusion. He did recognize the apartment building he had grown up in though and seeing it filled him with a dread that he had not allowed himself to feel while with Sebastian, ignoring his own painful childhood memories while recounting what good ones he still remembered.

There was no where else to go. He had to go towards the building. As he moved the arms shuffled and tightened, pulling down so he could cross, stepping on uncaring fingers as he went. Eventually the fingers ran out and the field looked like it was made out of black glass, only a few feet away from the entrance.

The building glitched, breaking into more pieces, breaking up further than it had any time before, and then shattering, colors and squares breaking apart and flying out, changing shape and color, forming a street that led to a town in the distance, wispy woods growing around it, trying to invade the cement past a weak wooden fence.

There was a fork and down the other side was Sebastian, who didn’t seem to be anywhere near as disoriented as he was. Sebastian was, however, smoking slightly and Stefano knew not to ask about whatever fire Sebastian had had to put out on his way here. He knew Sebastian’s past and he knew his nightmares. He didn’t need to bring them up.

He was glad to see that Sebastian was dressed like a normal person, no wandering around in the sweats that he had been in when they had stepped into the tubs just minutes before. He was wearing a brown, pinstriped vest and brown slacks that Stefano had never seen before, his white dress shirt unbuttoned a bit to reveal a hint of his chest, his neck unconstrained by a tie. Glancing down at himself he was glad to see that he was decently dressed as well, crimson slacks and a deep blue satin dress shirt, much more comfortable and much more him than the comfortable clothes he’d been told to wear. He recognized them as well, old clothes but feeling fresh and new, some of the first clothes he’d purchased once being released from the military’s care in America.

Stefano rushed over as best he could with the light limp that still threatened him so often, taking Sebastian’s hand in his own and drawing close. Sebastian gave his hand a light squeeze and offered a damaged smile, which Stefano would always take, even if it filled him with a concern he was still learning how to form.

“Regretting it yet?” Sebastian asked, trying to tease but there was no merriment in his voice.

Stefano tugged on his hand, making him stumble closer to him so he could press a kiss to his cheek, to pretend that what he had seen had not unsettled him and made his hands itch to create. “I would only regret it if I did not find you on the other side.”

Sebastian’s smile reached his eyes then, before they turned away, towards a lightly glowing figure down the road. Stefano turned his attention to her as well, although there was no where else he could look, eventually, as she was standing in front of a roundabout which held a large imposing tree. There was a wooden sign planted in the roundabout with a very familiar image of a tree that looked far more like a brain than could be coincidental.

“Hello,” the woman said as they drew near, her voice a perfect monotone. Stefano hated her immediately. Everything about her was flat and bland, even though she was glowing faintly, even through her bland gray pantsuit. “You may call me Luci. Welcome to Junction.”

Stefano was impressed. He wasn’t expecting the A.I. to look so human. It was accurate but uncanny, just slightly off in the motions.

She cocked her head, eyes looking them over in a mechanical manner and Stefano was brought to the conclusion that she was scanning thm. “I am an A.I., set in motion to accommodate and direct Mobius scientists through Junction. The fact that you do not recognize me give me cause to believe that you are an infiltration in the system. Name and registration, please.”

Sebastian looked at Stefano, but he had no registration here either.

“We were sent in for repairs,” Stefano explained, trying to come up with something believable, “and we are not altogether Mobius scientists. We were not given proper registration numbers as we were expected to meet other scientists here. Give us a moment to contact our superiors?”

She looked at him as blankly as before. “There have been no Mobius agents within STEM in 298 days. The Cores are out of alignment and need to be re-calibrated. There is a long list of repairs that need to be accomplished, but I cannot allow you entry until you have your registration.”

“Understood, my dear,” Stefano gave her a smile that would have charmed a real woman of her ilk. She did not respond to it. “We will return momentarily.”

He still had Sebastian’s hand in his own and he turned them to go back a few steps, pulling out the radio that was stuck on his belt, unnoticed until just then. Sebastian was looking at him quizzically but that was fine, there were many times in which Sebastian didn’t catch onto things as readily as he did.

“Juli? It seems we’ve run into a small hindrance.”

“Already? That’s impressive,” she sounded amused at least, if a little out of breath.

“We’ve met the illustrious Luci and she was hoping for our registration, could you make us some, right quick?”

He heard something drop heavily onto the floor, with a light squish that, paired with the lack of reality he was now in, reminded him greatly of his exhibit in City Hall. “Uh, yeah, give me a few seconds.”

He clipped the radio back onto his belt. Sebastian looked proud. He’d had people tell him that they were proud of him before, had people tell him how impressive his work was, but Sebastian was the first one who made him feel like it was true, that it wasn’t a stroke to his ego. He could still feel Luci’s cold eyes on them and, whatever mood that would swell in his heart was dashed before anything could come of it.

“Alright,” Juli sighed from her home on Stefano’s waist, “get the radio close up to it.”

Stefano returned to Luci and held out the radio, letting Juli state their names, falsified occupations, and a long list of numbers. Stefano tried to memorize his but it was too long and she only said it once before a small smile flitted onto Luci’s boring face.

“Welcome to Junction, might I point you in a direction of your choosing or shall I give you the list of malfunctions?”

“We’re heading for the Core, Joseph Cedric Oda,” Sebastian said, deliberate and to the point.

Luci seemed to think on that for a moment, getting confused more than a machine had any right to. “The Cores are not in proper alignment and may not be in the correct quadrants,” she explained. “Block 24A-31E is Core JO’s primary state of establishment, otherwise known as The Junction City Police Department.”

“Of course,” Sebastian gritted his teeth. Stefano didn’t understand why. They had both been detectives together, Sebastian had told him so on the flight over, so finding him in a place that he would find comfort and understanding in was not much of a surprise. “Thanks.”

“A pleasure to be of assistance,” Luci stilled, no longer active now that it was clear that Sebasastian was done speaking with her.

“Come on,” Sebastian squeezed his hand, “We’re going to need to get a move on, I don’t care if Juli said there are no monsters, this place gives me the creeps.”

Stefano nodded. Even with Luci offline he felt like he was being watched.

@chibi–raiden @detectivesebcas @angelicsociopath@sebcastellanyes @ruvikkin@lokis-queen-hepta-the-destroyer@samofgallifrey27 @supportivepsychopath @zellanoir

#the evil within 2 #joseph oda #sebastian castellanos #Stefano Valentini #fanfiction

12 notes · View notes

lashydsdomain · 6 years

Note

1-154. you wont

bitch

bet i will

1: Full name

lashy. das all you get

2: Age

3: 3 Fears

stairs, glass breaking, not being able to get ahold of someone

4: 3 things I love

my ocs uwu, my friends, my fucking tablet goddamn

5: 4 turns on

not comfy sharing on tumblr

6: 4 turns off

ill say ill come back to this one then leave this in the post

7: My best friend

rn i would say it’s probably blitztrolls

8: Sexual orientation

pan uwu

9: My best first date

ahh.... i havent had an in person first date still ;u;

10: How tall am I

5′5″

11: What do I miss

not being stressed eue;;;

12: What time were I born

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

13: Favourite color

pale blu

14: Do I have a crush

ye u//w//u

15: Favourite quote

you know these things are asked and my mind goes blank

16: Favourite place

the woods just after it’s rained

17: Favourite food

im a basic bitch and just gonna say mac n cheese

18: Do I use sarcasm

no absolutely not. nope.

19: What am I listening to right now

ambles playlist- it’s on ocean eyes by billie elish rn

20: First thing I notice in new person

prooooobably like. their face? typing style if it’s online

21: Shoe size

uhhhhhh i think like a womens 10?

22: Eye color

blue/green

23: Hair color

dark brown

24: Favourite style of clothing

loose and baggy because if i cant be comfortable what’s the point

25: Ever done a prank call?

HELL YEAH

27: Meaning behind my URL

lashyd was one of my first fantrolls and i liked the way it sounded

28: Favourite movie

mmmmm either labyrinth, princess mononoke or annihilation

29: Favourite song

no clue my friend im bad at picking

30: Favourite band

same as above sweats

31: How I feel right now

excited but tired

32: Someone I love

passivetrolls u//w//u/

33: My current relationship status

in a relationship!

34: My relationship with my parents

love my dad, kinda dislike my mom

35: Favourite holiday

christ mass

36: Tattoos and piercing i have

none, im so scared of needles ;u;

37: Tattoos and piercing i want

mmmmmaybe something stupid and simple on like my ankle?? i dunno what tho sweats

38: The reason I joined Tumblr

another fandom and i got bored with homeschooling lmao

39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?

i dislike them but they have tried to contact me a few times before i blocked them

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?

not usually

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?

i dont text so ill go w discord and no i have not the last person i messaged was you shenk gdi

42: When did I last hold hands?

the 2nd ;u;

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?

7ish minutes

44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?

hellllllllllll no

45: Where am I right now?

room

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?

prooooobably my bf or my dad. hate alcohol tho

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?

loud but only w speakers

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?

only da

49: Am I excited for anything?

absolutely motherfucker im making new friends left and right

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?

i got two uwu

51: How often do I wear a fake smile?

:))))))) irl most of the time tbh

52: When was the last time I hugged someone?

last night

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?

i would probably cry ugnfldkjfgslfdjg the last person i kissed was my bf wheezes

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?

i mean probably.

55: What is something I disliked about today?

ehhhh nothing bad has really happened today

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

probably my friend from serbia uwu

57: What do I think about most?

ocs probably sweats

58: What’s my strangest talent?

burping on command? i dunno

59: Do I have any strange phobias?

glass shattering ouo;;;

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

beh ind

61: What was the last lie I told?

calling myself a basic bitch lmao

62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

phone probably? video calls make me nervous

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

hell yeah to both

64: Do I believe in magic?

hell yeah i yell tossing salt on all my rocks

65: Do I believe in luck?

yeee

66: What’s the weather like right now?

uhhh clear i think

67: What was the last book I’ve read?

Shibuya Goldfish

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?

nop

69: Do I have any nicknames?

lash, lashy, gremlin and then stupid relationship nicknames gldsfgjfgs

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?

prooobably almost falling down some stairs at a con and chipping my shin and probably partly pulling my shoulder out of the socket

71: Do I spend money or save it?

i try to save but end up spending it ouo;;;;

72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge?

nearly

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me?

there are some half customized MH dolls so i guess yeah

74: Favourite animal?

cat uwu

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?

drawing ambles trollcall pick

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?

satan stan obviously

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?

Here - Ancient Magus' Bride OP

78: How can you win my heart?

art of my ocs ngl

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?

fuck if i knew

80: What is my favorite word?

probably fuck if you would ask my phone lmao

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr

passivetrollsblitztrollstavvys-trollsfilibusterfrogwe-are-the-legion

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?

hey fuckers lets rumble

83: Do I have any relatives in jail?

not that i know of

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?

teleportation ngl

85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?

probably 87

86: What is my current desktop picture?

87: Had sex?

sweats how about we move on

88: Bought condoms?

89: Gotten pregnant?

hell no

90: Failed a class?

i think yeah

91: Kissed a boy?

yeeeeeeee

92: Kissed a girl?

nop

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?

does it count if we were indoors

94: Had job?

not yet wheezes

95: Left the house without my wallet?

96: Bullied someone on the internet?

i dont think so i mgiht have when i was younger

97: Had sex in public?

n o

98: Played on a sports team?

ye!

99: Smoked weed?

ye.

100: Did drugs?

only weedles

101: Smoked cigarettes?

nop

102: Drank alcohol?

yes and i hated it

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?

nop

104: Been overweight?

105: Been underweight?

nop

106: Been to a wedding?

nop

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?

every day p much

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?

nop

109: Been outside my home country?

ye!

110: Gotten my heart broken?

;;;; yeah

111: Been to a professional sports game?

112: Broken a bone?

possibly?

113: Cut myself?

if this is on accident then ya

114: Been to prom?

prom is a waste of time ngl just go to arbys

115: Been in airplane?

yeye

116: Fly by helicopter?

n o

117: What concerts have I been to?

blueman group and the 4th of july ones that play around here

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?

yeeee

119: Learned another language?

bits and pieces

120: Wore make up?

yeah

121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?

nop

122: Had oral sex?

lets just skip the sex questions

123: Dyed my hair?

yeee

124: Voted in a presidential election?

125: Rode in an ambulance?

nop

126: Had a surgery?

nop

127: Met someone famous?

yeye

128: Stalked someone on a social network?

god no

129: Peed outside?

this question is weird

130: Been fishing?

hell the fuck yeah

131: Helped with charity?

prrrrobaby?

132: Been rejected by a crush?

yeah ;u;

133: Broken a mirror?

i dont think so

134: What do I want for birthday?

money

135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names?

136: Was I named after anyone?

i was named after two people uwu

137: Do I like my handwriting?

i can barely read it lmao i hate it

138: What was my favourite toy as a child?

my stuffed tigger uwu

139: Favourite Tv Show?

fuck i dunno probably cyberchase or fetch i dont watch tv anymore lmao

140: Where do I want to live when older?

somewhere quiet but convenient

141: Play any musical instrument?

flute and violin

142: One of my scars, how did I get it?

i have a scar on my knuckle from making garlic bread ;u; wasnt even good

143: Favourite pizza toping?

banana peppers

144: Am I afraid of the dark?

nah

145: Am I afraid of heights?

mmmm at times

146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?

yeah >w>;;;

147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?

all the mc fuckin time

148: What I’m really bad at

telling people when im not up for something

149: What my greatest achievments are

being alive you fuckers cant beat me i won over hundreds of other fuckers and im here

150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me

Lets Not, Kids

151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery

buy so much cosplay shit and helping friends get what they need

152: What do I like about myself

im getting better uwu

153: My closest Tumblr friend

passivetrolls or blitztrolls wheezes

154: Something I fantasize about

being able to help my friends out of the places they are right now QuQ

155: Any question you’d like?

more questions for amble and my other girls!

#mun chitters #you thought i wouldnt do it did ya fucker #shenktrolls #ask

2 notes · View notes

klarkkent71 · 5 years

Text

Trilogy(Complete)

Trilogy-Friends, Partner, Breakup

Trilogy-Friend, Partners, Breakups

Throughout my works, I write and based poems off real-life situation and inspiration from other sources. I sometimes have this ability where I feel I can tap into anyone situation and write about it. I also love creating stories from scenarios that I have run in my head. I have plenty of notebooks full of works and want to publish a few books. The friend series were poems written before the relationship started. I would take this girl out and crush hard but I always play it off like I was not feeling any specific type of way. These poems come from the earlier half of time. From taking this person out on her birthday for hibachi, to experiencing the first kiss, and the phase of just falling for someone. The common theme for every poem is that I think readers could tap into my mind and see the motivation behind every piece

The Friend Series(Part 1)

Crushing

Your smile brightens days

Your eyes are just amazing

Your heart has beautiful ways

My desire to date you is just blazing

1st Kiss

Our eyes connected

We held hands

Our lips become one

I learned what a kiss from heaven felt like

Untitled

I yearn to want to have you close and dig into your mind

A friend of beauty for some reason it’s hard for me to just stay in line.

Every time we out for some reason I’m just getting lost in your eyes

You’re beautiful inside and out and that’s something I quickly realized

The first time we hung out I knew at some point I just couldn’t stay in the zone of friends

But I have to hold off on my true self because I want the happy feeling between us to never end

Career driven and ambition you have all the traits I adore

Hopefully, our future has a lot more in store

Why I like You PT1

Something about your smile that just drive me so wild

Its something about your pure heart that you have the innocence of a child

I can see myself on future dates with you hold hands

I know I say a lot but I can see myself being your man

I see us having a future even though tit’s not love yet

Your beauty is similar to that a million suns and a magnificent sunset

Cross The Line

I wish we werent friend that our lips can become one

I wish I can just open my mouth and share my true feelings

I feel stuck that I had crush this long and closure havent came

Its tough seeing so beautiful and knowing youll probably never have

Maybe years later once were completely apart this something we can laugh about.

Until then I’m in my own lane.

Part 2 covers the phase when things were official. I would be triggered after various events and write for specific incidents. I would get lost in moments and memorize works in my head just so that I can go to the bathroom and type them.

Partners(Part 2)

Kunningham Part 1

You are my best friend and someone who stuck it out with me through thick and thin

When I failed and hung my head your motivation wouldn’t let my ambition end

You pray for me and cook for me and transcend my spirits to a level that sex can never reach

Though far from perfect your are everything that I need

From you I’m learning it is more within , please dont change

Kunningham Part 2

You walked in my life and showed me what love really mean

The fact I get to be your man everyday feeling like a dream

You pray for me and I wouldn’t trade anything we have for the world.

One day I picture us married with a boy and girl

It’s something about your eyes where I fall in them and get lost for the day

You’re religious and believe in God and for us, you pray

You’re also ambitious as hell and Im in love watching you chase all your dreams

I’m beyond blessed and lucky

Untitled

This feeling I have with you I pray always last

You’re in my arms and my entire universe feels complete

I’ve been damaged by love but could care less about the past

Your love is all I need and once have a cold blind heart I can now see.

If love was a physical being it’ll be you

There nothing in this world for you I wouldn’t do

With you, by my side, I feel like I’m living a perfect love scene

And the connection is beyond physical because our connection is as natural as it seems

I get butterflies in my chest when I think of us

I’m cherishing every moment we have

I never knew I can feel so much joy in my life.

Fireworks on South beach

Nothing but fireworks when we come together

I’m asking myself can this life get any better

Life by the beaching and traveling to me was never part of the plan

I’m only a country boy who really only been to Afghanistan

Now my perspective on life has changed

And I have you to thank for such a positive thing

Breakfast on Ocean Drive which I really only seen on cable

I’m still in disbelief we saw Justin Bieber walk across the table

I still remember you just yelling out of joy when it happened.

We even went to KOD to see Soulja boy who had the club in action

The strip wouldn’t let us sleep because everyone did nothing but walk and play tunes

We was taking everything in and barely hanging in the room.

I still laugh from snorkeling and getting pictures in the water

I’m still in shock that I thought the boat was moving the whole time when we were anchored and I thought it was leaving us and going further

The 4th of July you took the best picture at the right angle of time.

Memories with you that I’ll always cherish for a lifetime.

Love(Haiku)

Love is beautiful

Love is what you make me feel

I really love you

Untitled(Haiku)

A heart once shattered

Now it learned to love again

Oh what a feeling

This Breakup Series covers all the time we were broken up from mid relationships to the final one. I remember being ate up throughout the years and this covers various periods of time and events I kept within my notes

Breakup Series(Part 3)

Before the final Breakup

Untitled

No matter what I do I can never get this love thing right

Now I’m up alone crying myself to sleep at night

I know I suck at expressing myself but I never wanted you to quit

Now I’m just here alone feeling like shit

I feel my world was just shattered and burned.

I know heartbreak is constantly in rotation but I didn’t want it to be my turn.

Breakup(Haiku)

What did I do now

I can never get love right

Life somehow goes on

Final Breakups

The Call(Breakup)

I remember getting told that things are over

And I didn’t react because my heart was unattached

No tears or remorse I took it like a Soldier

The heart beats on with afeeling that’ll never be matched

Love Lost PT 1

I was young & dumb and messed up my gift from God

She saw me as truth and I turned out to be a fraud

Its truth in the statement of not cherishing something until its gone

Since you walked out my life I feel all alone

I lost sleep with thoughts of you on my mind

Hoping that you show up in my dream from time to time

I still reminisce on just beyone together and driving and holding hands

I was just stressed from time to time but was happy I was your man

Then October came and that’s when I got the call

It’s over

Untiltled

I’m in a new state, new fate, and my world was just broken and it’s off for good

I’m so numb to life that I can even comprehend what happened

I want to call and talk and my gut is telling me I should

I’m just gone drink all this pain away noting is everlasting even love

My heart is pounding and it’s been two years since we spoke.

I don’t even know if you’ll reply, the past two October I had this feeling where my spirits were broke

I have to express my thoughts and get them out my mind

I know the saying goes that wounds heal over time

I’ve retyped and read this email over and over and have yet to hit send

At times I wish this was just a dream and the situation was just pretend

I’ve prayed for someone like you and messed up in my blessing

I was too caught up in my ways of pride and stressing

Why is saying I’m sorry so hard to do

Why is there feeling that exists where I’m not over you

Why my heart is pounding just to send an email

Why do I have my emotions just bottled into one shell

“Send”

Untitled

I’m trying to apologize to just make peace

I don’t want this feeling of your hating me

3 and half years later I just want to come face to face for closure

But the person I once had isn’t there anymore and I feel like things are hopeless and over

I write to express myself I just want to clear up lies

I was honest and told you that hurt you cause me to lose sleep and didn’t want to see you cry

Any seed of hope can’t grow in bad soil

Now I’m sticking to myself only because any attempt now just makes your blood boil

Bruno Mars has a song I play on repeat titled when I was your man

The first time I heard it we were broken up at the time while watching a movie in Alexandria titled Think Like a Man

In the hook, he spoke nothing but truths and one of the lines that make my heart was just thoughts of us being able to dance

I pray one day we can just sit and have closure and one final chance to just enjoy each other company and end it all with one final farewell dance

May 26

........Peaceful

#poetry blogs

0 notes

acecavenger · 7 years

Note

Hi :3 Don't think I've picked on you yet, or at least not recently. Let's fix that >:3 Questions 1-150

Aerllette you monster

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? @cenizacaer (dont tell her gf)2. Are you outgoing or shy? depends on the situation, but mostly shy3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? My friends, again. But if i do go to RTX London then my friends in the EU!!!4. Are you easy to get along with? I guess so5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? Ceni and @gh0stmach1ne helped me when i got drunk on the 4th...6. What kind of people are you attracted to? Honestly red heads 7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? Dunno8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? my female friends?9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? A little yea...10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Ceni11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? my mom asking if i want lunch or not 12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? Peace Sign, Armed and Ready, I May Fall remix, Deadend in Tokyo, Somebody to Love13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? YES14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? eh15. What good thing happened this summer? RTX201716. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Sure17. Do you think there is life on other planets? probably18. Do you still talk to your first crush? nope19. Do you like bubble baths? havent had one in YEARS20. Do you like your neighbors? nope21. What are you bad habits? stay up late and sleeping til 3pm22. Where would you like to travel? BACK TO AUSTIN 23. Do you have trust issues? kinda24. Favorite part of your daily routine? going back to sleep25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? my chest/torso 26. What do you do when you wake up? do back to sleep27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? i jsut wish i wasnt so fucking pale28. Who are you most comfortable around? my friends29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? no30. Do you ever want to get married? im not i not position to answer that rn31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? ive tried32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? uhh gal gadot and scarjo33. Spell your name with your chin. Z,mdsx34. Do you play sports? What sports? i swam(i know the irony)35. Would you rather live without TV or music? TV, i need music36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? yep37. What do you say during awkward silences? “SOOOOOO how bout that sports team?”38. Describe your dream girl/guy? someone i can see a future with would would also like to cosplays otps at cons with 39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? Best Buy40. What do you want to do after high school? forget about highschool41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? sure42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? im thinking of what to say 43. Do you smile at strangers? from time to time 44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? SPAAAAACE45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? food 46. What are you paranoid about? my future47. Have you ever been high? nope48. Have you ever been drunk? oh yeah49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? not really 50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? black51. Ever wished you were someone else? occasionally 52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? i wish i was just a bit more motivated to do things 53. Favourite makeup brand? dont wear any54. Favourite store? Amazon55. Favourite blog? mine :P56. Favourite colour? blue 57. Favourite food? shrimp58. Last thing you ate? a sandwich59. First thing you ate this morning? ..a sandwich 60. Ever won a competition? For what? uh, swimming 61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? ...fighting...62. Been arrested? For what? nope63. Ever been in love? yep64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? welp, we were interrupted by a homeless man asking change for the bus...65. Are you hungry right now? nope66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? yes67. Facebook or Twitter? twitter68. Twitter or Tumblr? tumblr 69. Are you watching tv right now? kinda70. Names of your bestfriends? sami, keira, sakura, kelso, kit, 71. Craving something? What? LIBERATION 72. What colour are your towels? blue 72. How many pillows do you sleep with? two73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? no74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? the one yang plush75. Favourite animal? shark76. What colour is your underwear? red77. Chocolate or Vanilla? chocolate 78. Favourite ice cream flavour? mint chocolate chip79. What colour shirt are you wearing? navy blue 80. What colour pants? black81. Favourite tv show? mythbusters 82. Favourite movie? guardians of the galaxy vol 283. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? neither 84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? jump street85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? never saw it86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? nemo87. First person you talked to today? mom88. Last person you talked to today? mom89. Name a person you hate? Isaac 90. Name a person you love? Sami91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? yes92. In a fight with someone? yes93. How many sweatpants do you have? 394. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? 4-595. Last movie you watched? Wonder Woamn96. Favourite actress? Gal Gadot 97. Favourite actor? Chris Prat 98. Do you tan a lot? no99. Have any pets? yes 100. How are you feeling? exhausted 101. Do you type fast? nope102. Do you regret anything from your past? yes 103. Can you spell well? noep104. Do you miss anyone from your past? yes105. Ever been to a bonfire party? once 106. Ever broken someone’s heart? i hope not107. Have you ever been on a horse? yes108. What should you be doing? showering 109. Is something irritating you right now? yes 110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? yea111. Do you have trust issues? kinda 112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? ... my friends bc im not gonna see most of them for awhile 113. What was your childhood nickname? my uncle called me Ally Cat, idk why114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? yes115. Do you play the Wii? not anymore 116. Are you listening to music right now? nope117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? yes118. Do you like Chinese food? yes 119. Favourite book? Son of Neptune120. Are you afraid of the dark? a little121. Are you mean? i try not to be 122. Is cheating ever okay? never 123. Can you keep white shoes clean? no124. Do you believe in love at first sight? maybe, ive never experienced it..125. Do you believe in true love? maybe126. Are you currently bored? yes127. What makes you happy? anime128. Would you change your name? maybe129. What your zodiac sign? aquarius 130. Do you like subway? ye131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? tell them i acknowledge their feels, but dont want to ruin the friendship that we have if something go wrong if we date 132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? didnt i answer this?133. Favourite lyrics right now? “OUT OF MY WAY CAUSE IM ARMED AND REAAAAADY”134. Can you count to one million? nah135. Dumbest lie you ever told? “its for a friend”136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? closed137. How tall are you? 6′3″138. Curly or Straight hair? uh139. Brunette or Blonde? blonde(bc yang)140. Summer or Winter? winter141. Night or Day? night 142. Favourite month? July bc RTX143. Are you a vegetarian? nope144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? dark145. Tea or Coffee? neither 146. Was today a good day? its ok 147. Mars or Snickers? snickers 148. What’s your favourite quote? “Keep Moving Forward”149. Do you believe in ghosts? kinda 150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? “PLUS........ULTRAAAAAAA”

#aerllette

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dovley · 8 years

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lmao work rant under the cut

i like my job a LOT it’s really the job i wanted out of college but i just thinnk it’s dumb that i havent even GRADUATED YET and i have to teach this new part-timer (Mandy, 2 months at this job so far, 30 years old, minimal TV experience, no news experience) everything that i learned in 4 years for free and she basically gets paid for it. she’s not even an intern. how she’d fucking get this job.

and she sstill doesn’t get it. she doesn’t understand a newsroom or news stations at all even after being here two months. and i dont know if she’s jsut a slow learner or what but it doesn’t matter because it’s like she doesnt even want to learn?? and yet she’s always touching stuff she’s not supposed to and not staying in her lane bc she’s eager to learn etc and SHE HASN’T LEARNED A THING. so frustrating to finally get a job i really like that’s full time in MY FIELD and out of nowhere this woman w no experience snags a job at the station and essentially ruins the status quo of the morning show by not knowing anything and having minimal TD experience. And it’s not even the right kind of TD experience. and she wasn’t even hired as a TD and yet SHE’S PUSHED HERSELF OVER THERE. GO BACK TO CG MANDY STOP FUCKING UP MY SHOW?? EVERYTHING SHE FUCKS UP REFLECTS BACK ON ME, THE DIRECTOR.

and im trying to be positive about teaching her things (everyone in the control room needs to learn all positions anyway) but it’s hard. im literally not even graduated and now i gotta teach her everything that took everyone in my class four years to learn??? shooting for news is HARD, commanding an entire control room is HARD, there are classes for a reason and im not exactly qualified to be a teacher. im just a person in college who knows how to do shit.

and it’s literally not just “this is how we do things at THIS news station” like we have w the interns and other new workers, it’s entirely THIS IS HOW A NEWS STATION WORKS THIS IS HOW NEWS WORKS like she’s a blank slate. what the fuck. why do i get stuck w this kind of junk all the time???????? i have such bad luck.

we literally had to have one on one meetings w our news director today because of how much tension sh’es been creating in the news room, too. like not only is she hardly absorbing anything, she’s RUDE. all the time. anytime anything goes wrong, she talks back when SHE fucks up. im her director, her only job as a TD is to git gud and listen to my commands and do them. that’s it. that’s the basic TD job. and yet here she is, ignoring me, fucking up the show, getting mad at US when SHE fucks up. we all had meetings w news director Julie bc Julie listened to the control room track from the other day (all convos are recorded, I know this).

Here’s what happened: we were in a sports package, and the reporter was still talking. I say, “ready three” AS I ALWAYS DO, and instead of READYING THREE (by putting it in preview, not live) she TAKES TO THREE. and suddneyl the anchors are live and the package is still happening. and i say “go back” and she doesn’t do anything (WHICH IS SUCH A HUGE NO-NO IN A CONTROL ROOM, NOT LISTENING TO YOUR DIRECTOR IS SUCH A BAD THING BECAUSE NOT ONLY ARE YOU GETTING YOURSELF IN DEEP SHIT, BUT YOU FUCK UP THE SHOW FOR ///EVERYONE/// INVOLVED), so louder i say GO BACK and she said “well we’re here now” and that’s not???????? what you fucking say?????????? as a TD, you do NOT decide what’s going on. you do NOT get to decide cameras. you are NOT in control. YOU DO NOT JUST SIT THERE AND DO NOTHING. im completely helpless when that happens because she controls everything that’s live on the TV. i could reach over and do it myself but that’s such a huge other issue.

so i do what we’re supposed to: MOVE ON. i silence the package, cue the anchors, and MOVE ON. Mandy has SUCH AN ISSUE W MOVING ON. she can’t. she gets stuck on one thing. she always has to question my calls during the show, EVEN THOUGH SHE KNOWS NOTHING!! SHE DIDNT CUT ANY VIDEO SHE DIDNT ATTACH IT SHE DOESN’T HAVE A SCRIPT IN FRONT OF HER. she litrally knows NOTHING and yet here she is, questioning MY CALLS. and when she does that, i have to double check to mkae sure that everything is good to go, which takes up valuable time during the show.

so then, during the show i think or during break?? or SOMETHING, she turns aroudn to the producer, and RUDELY says:

Mandy: hey pete, have you ever TD’d before?

pete: ... yes

mandy: did you mess up

pete: all the time

mandy: OKAY [turns around]

???????? NOT OKAY AT ALL. our new control room intern said she was uncomfortable because of that. when mandy becomes rude and aggressive, she makes ERVERYONE uncomfortable and she doesn’t even know. she’s so self-centered she doesn’t know she’s making it bad for EVERYONE.

she always tries to initiate dumb convo during the show. she doesnt know how to sit down shut up move on.

another example: we had one anchor at camera one, and we had a graphic in the screen behind them. a video the anchor was talking over was live, and we were going to camera three after his voice over, NOT CAMERA ONE. so, this exchange happens:

mandy: can i put x-server in aux 5? (this changes the graphic on the screen in camera 1 from the story we’re talking about to a standard one we use for tosses.)

me: ready cam 3

mandy: ... x-server??

me: no, leave it. ready 3.

mandy: what do you want me to do with the vertical plasma?????

me: nothing, we’re not coming out to it we’re going out to camera three.

mandy: i need to know

me, frantically BECAUSE WE’RE LOSING TIME IN THE V-O AND WE NEED TO BE OUT TO CAMERA THREE: /nothing,/ it’s not important we’re not coming out to cam 1, ready three.

mandy: okay but what aobut the plasma??

me: we’re coming out to CAMERA THREE.

mandy, aggressively: okay, DIRECTOR

OKAY LIEK WHAT THE FUCK WAS WITH THIS?? WHY WAS SHE SO CAUGHT UP ON SOMETHING WE DIDN’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH AND COULD RESET DURING BREAK IN LITERALLY 1 MINUTE????/ it’s so hard to focus on that and the show im suppsoed to be directing like GOD, LEAVE IT.

back to learning, i literally had to explain a basic rundown to her for like an hour the other day while we sat down to talk .because i wanted to have a meeting to iron out some things such as her attitude and the show. because she doesn’t understand that nothing in the show is permanent, it’s constantly getting moved around and changed and added to. she doesn’t undestand there isn’t a formula to it. her only job is to listen to me. and when she tries to find a “rhythm” she starts ignoring my calls more and fucking up. it’s so annoying. everything she does that fucsk up live reflects back on Pete and I. also im her fuckening supervisor,,,,,,,,

I had to explain how to shoot news today. she didn’t understand what the anchor wanted from a wide shot, medium, and close up. the most basic of shots. or even how long to stay on a shot. or how the camera worked.

and i know she doesn’t have a degree and i am NOT criticizing her for that - college is hard and expensive and not everyone can do it, but you think she’d at least try?? harder???? try to fit in better????? not be a DICK at a job she wants to “be at for a long time” ?? apparently she told our tech guy that she doesn’t fit in. Julie told me that she feels like she has to prove something to us, that she can do it. well she’s not proving anything. she said we feel “clique-ish” in the news room. we’re literally not. at the end of the day we’re all just coworkers at a job. the difference between her and us is that we all have journalism backgrounds. and i have always tried to include her in everything, i have invited her up to the newsroom SO MANY TIMES, and other things but she never comes. if she wants to see change, she can make it herself. im done trying. i’ve given her so many chances.

our new intern, Tiffany, who was hired on my recommendation, already knows more things than Mandy just because she follows me around and is present and doesn’t hide in the control room. everyone likes Tiffany because Tiffany comes upstairs and says good morning. our live reporter says that Mandy ignores him when they’re outside smoking. she wants to fit in and be friends w everyone and yet she’s IGNORING EVERYONE. if she was even the least bit personable everyone would be fine w her. but she’s not.

and she told Tiffany that she feels “under appreciated” at the station because she’s working all the time, three jobs etc. guess what. Tiffany and I both have three jobs AND class. Tiffany is even full-time in college. im only part time and finally dropping my two other jobs since i got a promotion at the station, but still. you’re not under appreciated Mandy, you’re just never around. 🙄

she said she would help w camera shots, but when i offer them to her, she says no. she wants to know font times for packages, but never comes upstairs. like????????????????????? MAKE A FUCKING EFFORT. IT’S 3 AM WE’RE ALL TIRED BUT YOU SIT IN THE CONTROL ROOM FOR 40 MINUTES JUST READING BEFORE THE SHOW. YOU HAVE TIME TO LEARN.

and she doesn’t understand how hard it is to direct, produce, or even write for news. you can’t just learn that stuff in a week. i went to college for a reason. it would take me MONTHS to even get her director ready. i slid over into my position immediately upon being offered it, just because i had expereince. if she even tried to direct, it owuld be an absolute disaster. the kids in the basic directing class on campus even struggle a lot. it’s really hard. and producing is so much fucking work. so much. Pete gets there two hours earlier than i do - midnight or 1 am. our show doesn’t start until 5 am.

and on campus, the basic directing class should be easy. but it’s so much info crammed in, even in a semester. they print out scripts and mark them up with their commands. at the station, i have the rundown+scripts on an ipad and i dont write any commands. i just look at the rundown and instantly know what we’re doing. and i do this for two hours. the new directors on campus cant even go for 3 minutes w/o fucking up. it’s HARD. like i pick up on shit fast but for my first few shows i was struggling HARD. and Mandy is the type of person to jsut give up when it gets too hard, which you absolutely CANNOT do during a live show. you can’t abandon your own show. it fucks up the ENTIRE show. that’s on TV. that people are watching. it affects the anchors, it reflects on the station. it’s going to be hard to teach her. and i think it’s gonig to be frustrating for her to learn because Tiffany at least has a little directing experience and will probably pick up on it faster.

Mandy apparently once complained during her first month that she was in the “intern chair” when she was working CG. that’s not an intern chair?? we put interns there, sure, but people at the late show have been doing CG for years. it’s just another position. also the thing is is that mandy knows less than an intern so i’d literally rather have an intern anyway lol.

Mandy has legitimately given me so much anxiety i went home from work crying last week. work was so chill until she showed up.

this is really long and i have more to say but this is enough. it’s past my bedtime lmao bye

#dovley™

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zroeriws-blog · 5 years

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Can I drive my mom’s car if I don’t have insurance?

Can I drive my mom s car if I don t have insurance?

She s sick and I need to get to school. I have my license but I m not under her insurance policy (Encompass)

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :insureoptionsreview.top

SOURCES:

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extremelyaverageincrediblynormal · 6 years

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I think its time to update this thing with everything that has been going on. A lot of beautiful things have happened the past 6 months, but when i look back, its a supercut of mental breakdowns and self harm. Surprisingly, i havent seriously thought about killing myself, but I am definitely putting a strain on my mental health, and i dont think i saw the signs until i was 4-5 months deep. until i was at the hospital. until i was crying in my work bathroom every day for 5 days. and even then, i still tried to keep telling myself if i give up, i am mentally weak. i still tell myself that know, as i try to get myself out of this situation. so lets explain the situation. I will try my best to go back to may and bring you up to speed.

I started working at this job... lets call it, the hellpit. I started in February, and they agreed to give me time off in april to go to japan. I was pretty happy about that, but i remember about a month and a half in, i seriously considered quitting, and that seemed early. I was annoyed at the lack of organization with the products we were selling, and the extra stress it put on the front of house employees. The job ITSELF wasnt so bad, it was simple tasks that were sometimes fun. But the customers were the worst. This is a private club, so we see the exact same people every single day, and i work in a half grab&go half diner. And we get treated like we are nothing. most of the time, we dont even get a “hi” or “thank you”, but we are required to smile and be polite, tell the customers to have a nice day. One girl got fired because she didnt smile enough and was kind of a quiet person. oops. But then i got my best friend hired, and i started enjoying my days a bit more. Japan gave me some perspective on life and i was running off that energy for about a month. I was also moving at the end of may so that took most of my focus. I was then asked to work in the poolside snack bar/ actual bar. I was excited, it sounded like a fun, fast-paced environment. I feel dissapointed writing that because I was so wrong. It makes me feel sad.

I would be working closer to the actual manager. Now, there is drama going on with that. there was 2 managers, R and C. R had been there for 13 years, had close relationships with the people in my workplace. she was even sister-in-laws with someone there. And then C comes in, and sees that there is a lot wrong with how the cafe is running. she wasnt totally wrong, but she has a large personality and isnt afraid to shit talk people. she came in and tried to change everything, and I dont know exactly what happened behind the scenes but R left on a 3 month stress leave, came back for 3 weeks and quit. If that doesnt tell you something about what it’s like to work along C, ive got more.

So this poolside hellbox was usually run by some other managers in the club, but C insisted on running it herself, putting her employees in it, etc. it was going to be the best year the poolside hellbox has ever seen. it was small, but it needed at least 3 people to run properly. Sure, it could be slow on cold days, but on hot days, it was a nightmare if there was only 2 people. Because we had to do everything; open, stock all the food, take orders, make orders, and pass them off, and close. it was truly exhausting and our days were always 9-10 hours, no breaks. She also stopped putting 3 people, brought it down to 2, usually 1. it was incredibly stressful. I tried to talk to her about my concerns, and she completely agreed. so i thought things would change. they did not. after some time, i injured my rotator cuff, and that lasted about a week until my entire back seized up and i had to go to the doctor. i was physically burnt out. and she had to work one of my shifts because i was medically ordered to take a break from work. writing this is making my back hurt.... funny how that works. anyways, i came back and she told me about how HARD of a day she had when she had to be in there for 6 hours. I thought to myself, good, she will finally understand. She never did. put me back in it, working 6 days a week, no tips, no breaks, 9 hours. there was a day where the air quality was so bad that my coworker with asthma expressed how ill the smoke makes him feel and that he cant breath, and she made sure he felt guilty for not telling her before hand. and then when we werent even making money that day, she blamed the people upstairs for not making the call to close it. i cant believe it.

the PSH finally closed for the year, but she wanted one more day to make a bunch of money. So there is another key player here. J. J has the title of supervisor but doesnt always act like it. C expresses how she feels about J often, and shes the only one who has the power to do something about it but does she? No.

So on this day, C is not at the Bad place, so in any other situation, J would be in charge. But C insisted that I text her and listen to what SHE said. and she said she wanted to open the PSH 2 hours early. J said it was too busy and we needed coverage. I listened to J. The fact that we didnt open 2 hours earlier really upset C. she was so mad at J for making that call, and i was upset that i was put in a position where i had no idea who to listen to.

So that was the day i decided i couldnt be there next summer. I needed to leave before the PSH opened again.

And since then, there has been a lot of hostility towards me. I remember C telling me that people might not like me because she likes me, and people dont like her. that should have been my first red flag to get the fuck out. I honestly thought she was a woman of her word, and that sticking with her was the right decision. she made me all these empty promises, like i’ll be getting a raise in September, or that she has big plans for me and my career there, or even that we were getting a company-paid night to reward us for all our hard work. and what has unfolded? nothing.

since then, it has been a series of bullshit. she comes down, yells at everyone and everything thats wrong, comments on how terrible the communication is, and how this doesnt look right, and how stupid everything is and how no one knows how to do their job, “except for you, this isnt directed towards you.” I have a feeling it may not be IN THAT MOMENT, but im sure it has been directed at me at some point. Shes manipulative, and takes advantage of people for her own personal gain, and completely lacks empathy. If it doesnt affect her, why does she care. If someone cant help her, why does she need them. that is her mentality, and she is a psycho. she wants complete control, but does nothing to change anything. She wants people to do certain things, but never tells them. She is by far, the worst manager i have ever had. not to mention she puts out the schedule thursday night-friday for the upcoming monday. so, yes, 3 days in advance. I feel betrayed, i feel disspointed, i feel burnt out.

She also made a sarcastic remark about how i could “never disappoint her”, which was the last straw for me. That was the day i decided i need to get out of there.

So, thats whats been going on at work, but behind the scenes, i have been unraveling. My manager has qualities that remind me of my mother, and not in a positive way. it’s very triggering in a way, and when i feel like i have disappointed her, i have the same feeling i would get when my mother would be disappointed in me. when she is completely unsympathetic to me being burnt out, i remember all the times my mom told me to stop feeling sorry for myself when i would cry. so i deal with daily triggers that i have a hard time shaking. there are also some things that go on in that club that really disturb my core values. I am a caring, inclusive person and these people treat us like dirt. I think most people are used to it, i even feel like im less sensitive to it as time goes by.

But i have been having mental breakdowns at least once a week. they were worse back in june or july, i remember completely trashing my room, throwing my books around and slamming my book case on the ground, and the colapsing and hyperventalating on the ground until my roommate found me. I remember scratching myself until i bled. I remember running to a park and crying in a field. I remember crying on the bathroom floor naked. I remember not being able to get out of bed. i remember punching a wall so hard i almost broke my fingers. this all happened withing 3 months. and after the big explosions came depression and giving up. I cry in the work bathroom often, i dont care about being on time, i dont care about my job, i dont care about my health or being in pain. i am in a constant fog, im exhausted and angry and i have a beautiful partner who loves me so much and i cant feel any of it, because i think i shut down everything so i can make it through the day. I’ve gained weight, i hate my body again, and i feel stuck. i feel ugly, i feel useless, i feel trapped. i need help. i need help getting out of this. i am so exhausted mentally, i do nothing with my day because im too tired. i am so incredibly miserable, i get those depression headaches every single day. I have a surgery coming up that i am not willing to compromise. maybe ill take some extra days off then? look for a job? rest my mind and prepare to job hunt and grind for a job that i might not hate? maybe i should leave now, go work at starbucks, see if i can get the time. maybe i should find a part time job, but will my manager hate me for it? does she already hate me for it? i just want to survive. i just dont want to get to the point where suicide feels like the only option again. I am not there yet, but its on the horizon, and that’s why i am scared.

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lovenerdywinnerbouquetfan-blog · 6 years

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Hatfield Missouri Cheap car insurance quotes zip 64458

"Hatfield Missouri Cheap car insurance quotes zip 64458

Hatfield Missouri Cheap car insurance quotes zip 64458

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