#i hope your day was more eventful though i might bake cake later ill have to muster up the energy for that | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

calligraphist-artemisia · 4 years

Text

Soul of a Lion (Chapter 6)

Sequel to The Smallest Blade.

Summary: After the Red Lion steals them away from the Marmora base and takes them through a wormhole, Shiro, Keith, Katla, and Lance find themselves in front of a majestic castle with nowhere to go but inside. The events that unfold while they’re there will change the fate of the universe.

Also posted on AO3 under the username “kishirokitsune”.

☆ - ☆ - ☆ - ☆ - ☆

6 | Patience Yields Focus

“We can take a break if you need one.”

“No,” Shiro refused, even as he shifted his position to try and get comfortable. “I've got this. I just need time.”

Allura sighed softly. “Shirotak, this isn't something we can rush or force to happen. If you're having difficulty, the best thing we can do is take a break and try again later. It could even be that the Serenity Garden isn't working for you and that we should change location.”

“This room is fine, I just need more time,” Shiro stubbornly reiterated.

What he really needed to do was focus, but that wasn't going to happen if Allura didn't stop talking to him. He breathed in deeply and then let it go, doing his best to clear his mind of the stray thoughts bouncing around in his head, but no matter how hard he tried, they wouldn't go away.

Another few doboshes passed and Shiro edged a little closer to admitting that he really could use a break. It was his second day of sitting in the Serenity Garden. Maybe what he really needed was to work off a little energy on the holo-deck and then try the whole meditation thing again.

He opened his eyes and saw Allura sitting perfectly still across from him, her legs crossed and hands resting neatly on her lap.

Shiro cleared his throat. “Princess, I don't think this is working.”

Her eyes fluttered open. “Perhaps we need to try a new technique? Although I must say, we've been in here for some time. Would you care to take a break and try again later?”

“Only if you need one,” Shiro responded, torn between his desire to triumph over whatever was holding him back and his want to get up and stretch his legs. Going along with whatever Allura decided was an easy way for him to not need to choose for himself.

Allura hummed as she unfolded her legs and stood. “I think we're in sore need of a short break. Shall we go see how the others are doing? Coran said he wanted to show off the Bridge today, so I'm sure that's where they are.”

“Sounds good to me,” Shiro said.

After all that he was told the night before about how the castle was actually a ship (as well as how the Altean method travel involved opening wormholes through space-time), he wanted to see it all for himself. A visit to the Bridge sounded like the perfect way to sate that curiosity.

Shiro got up and followed Allura up through the castle, making small talk as they went. He still wasn't sure what topics were safe to broach with her, so he stuck with simple things, like asking about her training and answering with details about his own – without revealing the existence of the Blade of Marmora, of course.

When they reached the Bridge, it was to find the odd trio of Coran, Katla, and Keith, who were all standing around the central podium. Katla appeared to be talking Coran's ears off while wildly gesticulating, and thankfully, the orange-haired Altean looked more excited than bothered by her enthusiasm.

A feeling of pride swelled within Shiro as he watched them get along.

“Hunk's not here?” Allura murmured with a frown.

“Maybe he needed to do something in the kitchen?” Shiro guessed.

“He could be,” Allura acknowledged as she stepped deeper into the Bridge. “Coran, how are things looking?”

While Coran cheerfully informed her of the state of the Castle-ship, Shiro looked around in the hope of spotting Lance. He'd feigned illness when they left for breakfast, but Katla had promised to try and coax him out when Shiro left with Allura.

Shiro looked to Keith, who shook his head in answer to his unasked question.

It appeared she was unsuccessful.

“Shiro, this is so cool!” Katla exclaimed, unknowingly interrupting the silent exchange. “We've been helping Coran map out this quadrant and figure out where the closest Galra outposts are. He thinks we'll be able to track their ships with a little tweaking to the Castle's sensors! It won't be perfect, of course, but it should get us close.”

“That's incredible news!” Shiro said, genuinely impressed.

“How are things going with you?” Keith asked.

Shiro couldn't bring himself to say that he was struggling with such a simple task, so he shrugged and hoped that would put them at ease. “It's going a little more slowly than I'd hoped, but we'll get there.”

“Well, it's just like you always tell us,” Katla said, sharing an amused look with Keith.

And then, in such perfect unison that they must have practiced, both of them said: “Patience yields focus.”

Shiro made a soft sound of protest at hearing his own words used against him. Words that he'd thought up in the heat of the moment in the hope that they would calm down two very rambunctious cubs and give him a few ticks to breathe before needing to avert trouble once again. Words that he'd apparently said more frequently than he thought if Keith and Katla were fully prepared to throw them back at him at the first available opportunity.

But maybe there was something to it.

Patience yields focus.

Was that really what he needed?

“So, how long have you been waiting to use that one against me?” Shiro asked them.

“Forever,” Katla said at the same time that Keith responded with: “Years.”

Shiro hid his amusement by turning his head as though he was checking on Allura and Coran. It also bought him a few ticks to decide the best way to change the topic.

“I noticed that Lance isn't here. What happened?” he asked.

“He didn't want to come out. Keith threatened to take him food goo for lunch if he wasn't out by then, but even that didn't work. We think something must have happened between him and Hunk,” Katla said, keeping her voice low.

“We haven't even seen Hunk today,” Keith added on. “Coran said something about him looking into some issue with a blockage in the main kitchen and that it'll take him all day to fix it.”

“I don't buy it,” Katla said, crossing her arms over her chest. “They're avoiding us – or each other – and I want to know why.”

There wasn't anything that Shiro could do about Hunk, but he could go down and try to talk to Lance before his next session in the Serenity Garden. Maybe a more gentle approach would get him to reveal something.

Shiro sighed. “Alright, I'll see what I can do. But before I go, how are the two of you doing? It looked like you were having fun when I came in.”

“Well, I can't speak for Keith, but I'm having a great time! Now that Coran knows we're not going to try and stab him the moment he turns his back, he's showing us all of the different parts of the Castle and how it works. I'm learning so much! Slav would be jealous for sure,” Katla said, throwing a not-so-subtle grin in Shiro's direction.

As always when Slav was mentioned in his presence, Shiro shuddered. “What about you, Keith?”

“Some of it's a little over my head, but Coran pulled up a map of the land around the Castle for me to look over, so I might do a little exploring later,” Keith said.

“Any natives nearby?” Shiro asked.

Keith nodded. “A small village to the southwest. They don't seem to be a threat, but I thought I'd look into it just in case.”

“Don't go alone,” was Shiro's final instruction before he left them to their work and went over to talk to Allura about his change in plans. He waited for her to finish her conversation with Coran before telling her that he'd like to go check on Lance before they returned to the Serenity Garden.

Allura looked relieved to hear that and Shiro didn't have to wonder why for long. “Coran says Hunk may be feeling rather under-the-weather, so I thought I'd drop by the kitchens to make sure everything is alright. Shall we meet back at the Garden in one varga?”

Shiro agreed and they left the Bridge together, splitting up a few floors down as Allura headed towards the main kitchen. Before he knew it, Shiro was knocking on Lance's door and hoping for a response.

Nothing.

He tried again.

Still, he was met only by silence.

Shiro wasn't going to let that deter him. If Lance didn't want to come out and talk to him face-to-face then he didn't have to, but Shiro was still going to talk to him and hope that would be enough.

“Lance, I'm not going to claim to know how you're feeling,” he said to the door. “It's clear that being here is difficult for you and that making you be alone with Hunk was a mistake on our part, and I apologize for that. For what it's worth, I believe that working with them is our best shot at making a difference in this war. And maybe it's just what your people need as well.

“I know you've never fully trusted us, even after all of this time. The risk to your friends and family is too great for you to take the chance that things could go wrong, but now we're here in this old Altean ship with three people who believe themselves the last of their people. I think – I know – they would do everything within their power to protect your family. But all of this is your secret to reveal. None of us can make that decision for you.”

Shiro sighed and leaned against the wall outside of Lance's door. “I have a little while before I meet back up with Allura, so if you want to come out and talk, I'm here.”

☆ - ☆ - ☆ - ☆ - ☆

Hunk was remarkably stubborn when he wanted to be.

The first thing Allura asked upon entering the kitchen and seeing trays upon trays of small honeyed cakes and tartlets cooling on racks was: “Alright, what's wrong?”

Hunk blinked in surprise, pausing in stirring a bowl of batter for a tick before remembering what he was doing. “Nothing. What makes you think something's wrong?”

“Because you're stress baking and you only do that when something's wrong,” Allura said, gesturing to the counter-tops. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“There's nothing to talk about because nothing is wrong.”

Allura raised an eyebrow in disbelief and stared Hunk down in the hope that he would crack and spill the truth. But while he shifted uncomfortably under her gaze, he didn't talk and she eventually gave up on that approach.

“How's the meditation going?” Hunk asked before she could come up with a new line of questioning.

“Not as well as I'd like,” Allura admitted.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Hunk repeated Allura's words, probably intentionally.

She crossed the room and slid onto the bar-stool at the front counter. “Actually, I would like to talk about it. I just don't know what I'm doing wrong. Why can't I connect to him? Do you think it could be because of how long we were asleep? Or is it something else?”

All of the questions that had built up over the many vargas that she spent with Shirotak in the Serenity Garden came spilling out.

“It might not be you,” Hunk pointed out.

“But what if it is?” Allura persisted. “He's trying so hard to do this, so what if it's my lack of faith that has put this impenetrable wall between us and won't allow us to form a connection? Or it could be that I've gone for so long without any practice. Even if to us it only feels like a few quintants, it has been ten-thousand years since we were last awake.”

Hunk gently set aside his bowl of batter. “I've been having difficulty keeping my emotions in check. Everything felt so... loud when we first woke up, but it's getting better. I only needed to relax and rebuild my mental shields, just like you taught me. Maybe you need to do something similar.”

“I feel as though that's all I've been doing,” Allura said with a soft sigh.

Hunk ducked down to a lower cabinet and removed a loaf pan, which he set down on the counter-top. “Well, if it's not you, then maybe the answer is to find a way to help Shiro. Maybe jumping right into meditation isn't enough. You could try talking first. Find something you both have in common and make a connection that way.”

“Is that what you tried to do with Lance?”

The way Hunk tensed up was the only indication he gave that he was bothered by the question. “I... I don't want to talk about it.”

Allura let it go. “I suppose we could talk some more... We've led such different lives that it's difficult to find much that we have in common.”

“Well, you both want to stop Zarkon,” Hunk pointed out. “That could be the place to start.”

Allura stayed to talk to Hunk for a while longer before leaving him to his baking so she could meet up with Shirotak at the Serenity Garden. She arrived a little earlier than she meant to, but that only gave her the opportunity to relax and reconsider how they were approaching the meditation.

She thought back to her own training and the steps her mother walked her through each time they sat down together. She thought about what Hunk said about needing to take time to rebuild the walls of his mental landscape so that he wouldn't be so affected by the emotions of those around him. And she thought about how she'd approached it so far, trying to take into consideration what wasn't working so they didn't repeat the same thing over and over again.

Allura settled into her spot in the center of the room. She closed her eyes and breathed, letting her mind drift while she waited for Shirotak to arrive.

Cool and comforting darkness slid over her, blanketing her thoughts. She felt weightless, as though she was floating in midair even though she could still feel the hard floor beneath her. From within the darkness, an ornate doorway began to form.

Allura backed away from it as she breathed out and opened her eyes, just as the door to the Garden slid open and Shirotak stepped inside.

“You haven't been waiting for long, have you?” he asked, concern lacing his voice.

Allura shook her head. “Only a few doboshes. Come and sit, I have something new I'd like to try.”

Shirotak joined her without hesitation, mirroring her posture as he sat across from her. “What do you need me to do?”

“Take my hands and close your eyes,” Allura instructed and held out both of her hands, palms up. “Relax your thoughts and let them drift by without lingering on any of them for too long. Focus on the feeling of my hands in yours. Allow me to be your guide into our shared mental landscape.”

“Mental landscape?” Shirotak repeated with some confusion.

“It's... How do I put this?” Allura mused, struggling to remember the way her mother described it to her so very long ago. “When you close your eyes and imagine yourself floating in a dark void. Sometimes there are sparks of colors. Sometimes you can see flashes of images. It's a place you can easily shape during meditation to try and organize your thoughts and everyone has a different way of creating it. I find the darkness comforting, but my mother loved bright landscapes so hers typically took an appearance similar to this room. With what we're trying to accomplish here, I will build a space where we can merge our mental landscapes together and hopefully see a representation of the bonds you share with others.

“The method I had us use before was much more difficult. It meant each of us needed to reach a perfect mental state before any sort of connection could be made and that's why it wasn't working. Something like that takes phoebs to build and I am ashamed that I did not realize it sooner,” Allura said apologetically.

“No harm was done, princess,” Shirotak responded as he took her hands into his much larger ones. “I'm ready whenever you are.”

Allura couldn't help but smile. There was something about Shirotak that made her feel... safe.

He felt safe, which was a word she never expected to be able to apply to any Galra after Zarkon's betrayal.

“Alright. I suspect I already know which Lion has chosen you, but let us find out for sure.”

☆ - ☆ - ☆ - ☆ - ☆

Enough was enough.

After a quintant-and-a-half of trying and failing to coax Lance out of his room, Keith was ready to drag him outside kicking and screaming if it came down to it. Approaching him in anger probably wasn't the best idea, and Shiro would probably tell him to go work it out on the holo-deck instead, but Keith wasn't in the mood for patience or whatever, especially when all of their attempts to talk to Lance in a calm and collected manner had completely failed thus far.

Maybe what Lance really needed was someone to yell at.

Keith figured he would be perfect for that.

He was still courteous enough to knock first and give Lance a chance to answer before he barged in. “It's Keith! Open the door!” he called out. “Katla taught me how to unlock all of these, so one way or another I-”

The door opened, cutting off the rest of Keith's sentence. Lance frowned back at him with obvious bags beneath his eyes, though the rest of his appearance was presentable. “You don't need to yell.”

“You've ignored everyone else,” Keith said, pushing past Lance to walk inside. He raised an eyebrow when he saw a number of glowing crystals scattered across the floor. “Uh, what have you been doing in here? Where did you get all of this?”

“I went out and got them from the storeroom where Katla built the communication device,” Lance said defensively. “Look, it doesn't matter. It isn't important.”

“Not important? You've been locked up in here for over a quintant! It had better be important!” Keith said, raising his voice. “I don't know what's going on with you and I really don't care about what excuse you have, but you need to knock it off!”

Lance stiffened, his eyes flashing blue as his Shift slipped. “You have no idea-”

“What I see is someone who refuses to look at the big picture. Allura, Hunk, and Coran are not our enemies, and finding them here, working together with them, means we might actually have a chance to make a difference in this war in a big way. Because maybe you didn't pick up on this during the phoebs you've been with us, but the Blade of Mamora can't topple the empire by itself. No one trusts us long enough to give us a chance and work alongside us, but these Lions – this Voltron thing – this could be our chance.”

“Hunk found out I'm Altean and it freaked me out, okay!?” Lance shouted back.

Keith eased up when he noticed how badly Lance was trembling.

“I know you don't get it! You look at them and see hope for the future, but for me it's different. I grew up believing that we were abandoned by the royal family. They gave up and let Zarkon win. There was no Voltron to come around and save the day for us. My people hid for deca-phoebs because of that. Disguising themselves so no one would ever suspect that they were Altean and when they were discovered, it was by someone they thought they could trust. So forgive me if I'm no so quick to trust someone just because they say they're an ally,” Lance said fiercely.

Keith was silent for a moment to give Lance a chance to catch his breath and say anything else that he needed to. “So, how did he find out?”

Lance slumped his shoulders as his fight drained away. “I can recharge the crystals. I didn't realize it until he handed one to me. My Spirit has always been a passive Aspect and I have no idea how to control it. I went out and grabbed some more so I could try and figure it out, but I still don't know.”

“And that's something only Alteans can do?”

Lance nodded.

“Well, if it helps at all, Hunk hasn't said a word to anyone. He's been avoiding us too,” Keith told him. “He spent all of yesterday working in the kitchen and today he made some excuse about cleaning up the engine room. This Castle is a ship, by the way. We learned that while you were busy hiding.”

“A ship? Seriously?” Lance asked, blinking in surprise. “I guess that makes sense. I hadn't thought about it before, but how else would it end up here?” He fell silent for a moment as he sat down on the edge of his bed, picking up one of the crystals laying there. “You all must be pretty annoyed with me.”

“Shiro is worried, I was annoyed, and Katla's probably somewhere in-between,” Keith said. “You can make it up to us by coming out for lunch. Have you even eaten?”

Lance nodded. “Someone's been leaving food outside my door. It wasn't you guys?”

“Nope. I was going to bring you food goo like I threatened to, but Katla told me not to. She seemed to think you'd come out if you got hungry enough. It must have been someone else.” Keith didn't have to think hard about who it could be and judging by the dawning look of realization on Lance's face, he was figuring it out too.

“Quiznak,” Lance muttered, running a hand through his hair. “Where did you say Hunk is? The engine room?”

“Yeah, it's down on one of the lower floors, kind of in the center of the Castle,” Keith said. He watched Lance for a moment, wondering if he really intended to down to talk to Hunk so soon. “You know, if you're not ready to see him yet, you could come with me instead. Shiro said I should take someone with me when I go outside to take a look around and it seems like you could use some time out of this Castle.”

Lance dropped his hand back to his side and raised an eyebrow as he looked up at Keith. “Why are you asking me? This sounds like the sort of thing you and Katla would run off and do together.”

Keith opened his mouth to say that Lance would know why Katla couldn't go if he hadn't been avoiding them but stopped himself at the last tick. “Shiro finished his session with Allura, so Katla is with her today. He's the paladin of the Black Lion, if you were wondering.”

“I guess that means I'm next.”

“Yeah, but not until tomorrow at the earliest,” Keith said and then turned and reopened the door. “Are you coming or not?”

Lance slid off the edge of his bed and shoved his hands into the pockets on his new pants, which were dark blue. “Sure. I think I could use some fresh air.”

Without waiting to see if Lance was going to follow him, Keith took the lead and began making his way to the front door. It had been so long since he last had the chance to get outside and enjoy it – every other time he was on a mission of some sort. He just hoped Coran was right about the locals being friendly.

☆ - ☆ - ☆ - ☆ - ☆

It really did feel like she was floating.

Katla hadn't fully believed Shiro when he described what it was like to let go of actively thinking and to just exist, but it was terrifying and freeing all at once. Allura's warm hands were the only thing anchoring her to reality and Katla focused on them as hard as she could until she was convinced she could see the Altean, floating across from her in a sort of void, her white hair billowing around her like a soft cloud.

Little-by-little, a web of what resembled colorful string began to appear around them, stretching near and far and in all directions. Katla tried to reach out and touch one, but Allura stopped her.

“Be careful,” Allura advised. “They're delicate.”

Katla lowered her hand back over Allura's. “What is all of this? Is it real?”

Allura nodded. “This is our combined image of a mental landscape and those are a physical manifestation of the connections you share with others. I've always liked the idea of it being like a web, so this is the form it takes when I do this, but it could take any form.”

“So... could it also be like a hallway full of doors and windows? Mom always likes to say that eyes are the 'windows to the soul' or something and that's how she knows when I'm lying. Oh! Could you make it a computer screen? With everything color-coded?”

Allura laughed gently, but not mockingly. “With a lot of work, I suppose I could change it. Most Alteans pick one method when they're young and then stick with it all their lives. It makes things less confusing. My mother always said that the bonds we share with others are part of what weaves a great tapestry of life, and so I began to envision them as strings.”

“This is so cool!” Katla looked around in awe at all of the different strings, wondering who they all linked up to. She'd never stopped to think about how many people she knew. “Which one are we looking for? Is it that gold one?”

“Gold?” Allura repeated, flabbergasted.

Katla nodded and pointed it out. It ran through the center, close to a bundle of five others. “It looks pretty special.”

Allura took a moment to respond. “Yes, it's quite special, but it's not the one we're looking for. The string that connects you to your Lion should have a glow to it, though it will be quite subtle. We're looking for one that is either blue, green, or yellow.”

Katla wanted to ask more about what the golden one meant, but they had a mission to complete, so she turned her attention to the rest and examined them one at a time, hoping to spot the glow that Allura mentioned. There were so many colors, some of them faint and others bright, and Katla found herself getting lost in the web and wondering which ones she'd already looked at.

“There!” Allura raised one hand to point above their heads.

Katla lifted her eyes, following where Allura was pointing until she spotted a string that was such a faded green that it was a wonder it could be seen. If not for the subtle halo surrounding it, it would have gone completely overlooked.

Allura made a gesture and the strings shifted around them, moving further away so they had the space to stand up and get a better look. “Now we just have to follow it back to the Green Lion. What I need you to do is place your hands around the string without touching it. Concentrate on feeling the energy it puts off. The Green Lion carries the element of nature. Of things green and growing. You must strengthen that bond before we will be able to see where the Lion has been hidden.”

Katla nodded, reaching out with trembling hands until they were mere inches from the glowing strand. She breathed in deeply and did her best to feel the energy like she was asked to.

There was definitely something there.

She could feel something that was almost like a pulse. A gentle heartbeat. And then a tingling sensation, as though static electricity was dancing over her hands and making her fur stand on end.

“Where are you?” Katla murmured, staring at the green thread. (Was it getting brighter?) “Show me where you are.”

There was a stronger pulse and then the string vibrated as though someone had plucked it. Katla quickly pulled back her hands and stepped away, afraid that she'd done something wrong, but as she looked up to ask Allura what was going on she was treated to the sight of the void seeming to blur as it shifted around them, pinpricks of light rushing by.

A large, spherical object loomed in the distance, rapidly growing closer until all at once they were floating high above a planet covered in green forests, stars glittering in the space around them.

“Wh-where are we?” Katla stammered, spinning around to try and get a grasp on their new surroundings. “Allura, what's going on?”

“This is where the Green Lion is hidden,” Allura said with a reassuring smile. “You asked to be shown where she is and so she has brought us here.” She paused a moment as she looked around and took it all in. “I think I recognize this place... We appear to be in the Dailix Quadrant. I recognize a few of the stars. And if you look over there, you can see the V2-Kylri Galaxy.”

Katla turned back to the planet, taking a good look at the place her Lion was hidden. “I hope you're right. The Empire hasn't made it out to Dailix yet. From what we can tell, they don't think there's anything of value in this quadrant.”

“Good. That will make it easier to retrieve her,” Allura said with a nod. She took one final look at the stars and the planet and then held her hands out to Katla. “We should return now.”

Katla nodded and took Allura's hands.

And all at once she opened her eyes and found herself back in the Serenity Garden, her back stiff and her legs aching from sitting still for so long. As she slowly stretched out and tried to regain feeling in her toes, Katla felt a growing sense of pride in how much they'd accomplished during their afternoon together.

They were one step closer to stopping Zarkon and the Empire.

#voltron #kidge #kidgemas #fanfiction #soul of a lion #galra shiro #half galra keith #half galra pidge #altean lance #altean hunk

20 notes · View notes

7fics · 8 years

Note

Youngjae fic where he makes a big deal about his coming out. Everyone is scared because it's "super deep" and "life changing" and everyone thinks he's going to die but he's just dramatic af??? And then everyone's like "well yeah, we knew" and YJ is mad bc no one really cared/it was obvious and they ruined his big moment.

Warnings: drama

Word Count: 1k

Author: Chewy

an: this is a hot mess thank you for this absolutely hilarious prompt. jackson pov, hope you don’t mind!

The air is thick with tension. Jackson imagines he could cut it, like a sword through butter. (His inner subconscious tells him that the saying is actually a hot knife through butter, and the saying isn’t actually even supposed to be used in the way Jackson is currently trying to use it. His inner subconscious also sounds like Jinyoung after he’s read too many books and had a couple of drinks, so he shoos it away with a slap to his face)

Smack.

Everybody turns to look at Jackson. Even the tiniest noise will warrant great attention at this moment. “Sorry. I was thinking.”

“Don’t think.” This time, it’s not his inner subconscious Kermit the frog meme, but actual real life serious Jinyoung. Real Jinyoung actually has consequences, unlike inner Jinyoung, so Jackson has to pay attention.

“Sorry. Won’t do it again.”

All heads swivel back to the main event. Youngjae.

Sweet, sweet, innocent Youngjae, who has been the light of all of Got7’s lives since the day JYP added him to their team seven months before debut, is sitting on the couch. The main couch, to be precise. The one that either their managers or JB in leader mode sits on to give serious announcements on serious matters. This is a big deal.

—

It all came to a head that morning, when Youngjae gravely said the words, “I need to tell you guys something.”

In reality, though, it had been brewing for much longer than that. All of the members had been worried because in the past few weeks, Youngjae had been quieter than usual. He’d been “researching” on the internet, talking to himself in his sleep, and just the other day, he forgot to play with Coco. This was truly a serious tragedy. There was no other answer.

When the rest of the members tried to inquire more, Youngjae gave only vague responses.

“What’s going on?” JB demanded, in complete leader mode.

“I can’t tell you right now, but it’s super deep.”

“Are you okay?” Mark asked. Even Mark was actively worried, and not just passively. This just went to show how big of a deal this issue was.

“We’ll talk about it as a group later, but it’s absolutely life changing.” With that, Youngjae left the room.

“Well,” Bambam spoke up. “He said it was life changing, not life ending, so we know it’s not cancer. Wanna make bets? I have ten dollars in cash.”

“BAMBAM!” Literally every single member of Got7, excluding Bambam and Youngjae, yells.

“I guess that’s a no then.”

—

Back at the present moment, Jackson sits uncomfortably squished on the couch between Yugyeom and Jaebum. He looks down to the end where Youngjae sits solemnly.

Despite Bambam’s reassurances, he can’t help but wonder. What if it really is cancer? Or worse? What if… What if… Jackson is having a hard time thinking of anything worse because all the bad plots in the k-dramas that he watches involve cancer. As Jackson’s mind starts to conjure up images of hospitals, his hands start picking more and more aggressively at the rips in his jeans. Jaebum leans over and grabs his hand, holding it still.

“So, Youngjae? Do you want to tell us what this is all about?” Jaebum asks.

Youngjae nods, opens his mouth, closes it, and gulps. Next to him, Jinyoung hands him a bottle of water. Youngjae drinks, opens his mouth, and says, “Thanks, hyung.”

Jackson thinks that at this point, he’s going to explode and die from the anticipation, and that means he won’t be able to bring flowers to Youngjae’s bed as he’s withering away from some undiscovered, incurable illness.

“Just say it!” Mark shouts. Everybody turns and glares. Everybody is both relieved that Mark said what they all wanted to say inside, but everybody is also mad at Mark for shouting at Youngjae. Sweet, sweet, innocent Youngjae, who is loved by all. “Sorry. Please, Youngjae.”

“Okay, sorry hyung.” Youngjae takes a final deep breath, and spits out the words, “I’m super gay.”

“IT’S OKAY YOUNGJAE WE STILL ALL LOVE YOU, AND WE WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER EVEN IF YOU DIE, BUT WE’LL ALSO MAKE SURE TO PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS FOR ANY ILLNESS YOU MIGHT HAVE AND I’LL MAKE SURE JINYOUNG DOESN’T WRITE YOUR OBITUARY BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW HE’D PUT IN A SUPER LAME HIPSTER QUOTE, AND ALSO MARK, TOO, BECAUSE HE WOULD WRITE ‘R.I.P.’ AND THAT— wait did you just say you were gay.” Jackson sits back down and opens his eyes. “That is seriously not what I was expecting.”

Jaebum just sighs one of his deep-as-the-Mariana-Trench sighs, and cover’s Jackson’s mouth with his hand. “Youngjae. Did you seriously put us through all of this so that you could tell us you were gay?”

“Well, yeah,” Youngjae says. He’s still looking at Jackson warily.

“Everybody knows you’re gay, Youngjae,” Bambam says. “This is meeting is taking out of my League of Legends playing time. Come on, Yugyeom, leggo!”

“Wait, what?” Youngjae asks, bewildered. “How did you guys already know that I was gay?”

“Because you’re super gay? Jinyoung literally baked a cake last year that said ‘Youngjae is Gay’ because of how gay you were. It had rainbows and unicorns, remember?” Mark says.

“MMmmmpfhhhhfhh,” Jackson agrees, from under Jaebum’s hand.

“What the hell? That’s so not cool! Do you even realize how long I have been planning and researching for this moment? This is ludicrous! Ridiculous! An outrage! And why are you all so automatically accepting, I thought we would have to really fight over this!” Youngjae is panting by the end of his rant. Jaebum has removed his hands from Jackson’s mouth so that he could cover his own ears instead.

“If you’re done ranting, it’s really time for us to get to practice,” Jaebum says.

“Here, baby, how about I bake you another cake?” Jinyoung asks. That, combined with the fact that Youngjae seems to have worn himself out with the shouting, appeases Youngjae enough to agree.

“Well, I’m glad you’re not dying, Youngjae!” Jackson speaks up.

“Thanks, Jackson hyung. Me too.”

#got7 #character:youngjae #character:jackson #author:chewy #Genre:Humor

28 notes · View notes

oovitus · 7 years

Text

Weekend Reading, 2.18.18

The first time self-soothing was explained to me, it was by a friend who had her hands full taking care of a new baby. Self-soothing, she said, is when a baby develops the capacity to calm his or herself down. It’s seen as being key to uninterrupted nights of sleep for parents, since it allows babies to get back to rest if they should happen to wake up during the night.

A little while later, when I was exploring resources on coping with depression and anxiety, I learned that there’s such a thing as adult self-soothing, too. It may be an especially important skill to develop if you identify as a sensitive person or you feel the impact of emotions very strongly.

Self-soothing practices can take all sorts of shapes and forms; they may take one out of time and place, like going for a walk or practicing yoga in a special part of the home, or they might be as simple as listening to a particular song, sipping tea, breathing deeply, praying, singing, humming, reading poetry out loud, or smelling an essential oil. These, anyway, are my own favorite ways to self-soothe.

Two years ago at this time, my anxiety was so bad that I often didn’t want to leave the house. I did leave, going about my business and trying to perform as much competence as I could muster, but I felt as if I was falling apart. I was so on edge, so irritable, and so unable to hang onto a sense of safety or security. It really scared me, much more than my depression ever had.

Many months of therapy later, and I’m in a different place. But this week in particular gave me new skills to be grateful for. A few situations came up that triggered my anxiety, and I reacted, but I was able to stay connected to a fundamental sense that things would be OK. I’m not exactly sure what to attribute this to: my meditation practice? Learning to pay attention to my breath? Slowing down? Learning to say “no”? Reconnecting?

The answer is that all of these things, coupled with time and patience, have helped. I’m also starting to understand that quelling anxiety creates muscle memory; if you do it often enough, you start to believe, consciously and unconsciously, that it’s possible, and then it starts to happen more readily.

I know that I may manage my anxiety for a long time and possibly live with it always, just as I know I’ll always have brushes with depression and may always periodically encounter certain ED-related urges. In writing these words today, though, I realize how surprisingly calm I feel about my anxiety, which is sweetly ironic.

For the first time in a long time, I’m not alarmed by the fact that I have anxiety, not scared of it. I’ve been given signs that I have some of the tools I need to manage it. Maybe I’ll need to expand or change up my toolkit at some point, but that’s OK: toolkits can grow along with us. For now, merely knowing that I can get centered even in the midst of anxious feelings or thoughts is a major shift, one that gives me hope and a sense of spaciousness.

As always, wishing everyone peace and grounding as we head out into a fresh week. Enjoy these tasty recipes and reading links.

Recipes

There’s a mushroom miso barley soup recipe in Power Plates that I’ve become pretty attached to, but I can never get enough soup recipes, and I’m loving Natasha’s version, which is infused with Italian herbs and seasonings.

Wish someone had made these sweet buckwheat crepes for me on Valentine’s Day! Or that I’d gone ahead and made them for myself

This is my kind of potato salad: roasted potatoes, dill, vegan bacon, creamy garlic mayo. Perfect vegan comfort food.

Writing about Hannah’s book on Friday has me thinking about the art of creating really good food in very little time. It’s something I’m still figuring out. Lisa is one of the people I turn to for inspiration in this area, and her easy green curry noodles are a perfect example of a super speedy, flavorful, filling meal.

I tend to have lousy luck when I’m baking exclusively with grain free flours (I do OK when they’re part of a blend that has some wheat flour or gluten free grain flours in it). I’m always impressed with the way that Lindsay works wonders with grain-free baking that’s also vegan-friendly, and I’m dying to try her easy vegan white cake.

Reads

1. In spite of spending a fair amount of time around doctors—and anticipating a year of clinical work on the horizon—I had never really given much thought to what it must be like for doctors to return to full time work after being treated for an illness, especially the illness that they themselves specialize in.

That’s exactly the process that breast cancer surgeon Liz O’Riordon finds herself in now. I was touched by The Atlantic‘s profile of her, in which she admits to having new emotional challenges on the job, including sensitivities to hear certain diagnoses spoken of in dire terms and heightened awareness when delivering news to patients. The article says,

She [Liz] also takes more care with her language, and cringes at the memory of comments that were meant to be encouraging but now seem glib and unsympathetic. “I used to say: You’re lucky it hasn’t spread. No one is lucky to have cancer,” she says. “I used to ask people: Are you happy to sign this consent form? No one is happy to have cancer. As a doctor, you may give bad news 10 times a day. Until you’ve been on the other side, you don’t realize that when you get bad news, you remember every single detail of that conversation.”

There’s a lot of pressure for doctors and medical personnel to remain transparent, cool, and objective at all times, but my own limited experience in a helping profession is that personal struggle often gives way to empathy that can enhance one’s capacities as a practitioner. I hope that O’Riordan can indeed follow through on her hope to speak out more openly about her illness and encourage other doctors to do so with her.

2. Also on the topic of medicine and healthcare, a physician examines the concept of agape as it relates to healthcare. Agape is the ancient Greek term for selfless love of humanity; it’s seen as transcending difference or circumstance, which distinguishes it from filial or erotic love. Pooja Gidwani, a hospitalist, writes,

To me, agape means having the fortitude not only to empathize with patients or to provide compassionate care but to also habitually understand that each patient’s reactions may stem from their physical or mental suffering, past or current. To develop the ability to connect on a more spiritual level with the sufferer’s emotions despite their behaviors to truly be a healer. To put oneself in the shoes of each individual, remembering that everyone we meet is a product of what life has created for them.

I can’t think of a more beautiful summation of how agape can animate medical practice.

3. In the wake of the tragedy in Florida this past week, Vox sat down with Gerry Griffith, a crisis counselor with over 30 years of experience, to ask questions about what’s needed in the aftermath of shocking losses. She offers a lot of practical, detailed perspective on how crisis counselors respond to different stages of trauma among the people they’re helping, and she also has important things to say about the importance of addressing peoples’ sense of powerlessness after these kinds of events.

When asked how she continues to do this challenging work, she says,

I had a mentor, early, early on that said doing this work is learning how to keep your heart open in hell. I know what hell looks, tastes, like, and smells like.

I think, for me, there are people in my life that I can talk to about this. I have a husband, he’s proud of me and he supports me. When I’m out there in Oklahoma City or out in New York, I can call him and I can talk about how the dog, what she’s doing today. Because he’s not there.

Somebody asked me the other day: ”How would you know when you’re done?” I said, “When I stop crying.” When I stop feeling, when I don’t cry, my heart has closed and I have to quit.

I thought it was impressive that Griffith’s barometer of being fit for the task of counseling is having a strong capacity to feel. Something I want to keep in mind, in my own small way, for my future work with clients.

4. I really like Carrie Dennett’s reporting, and I was glad to see her in-depth consideration of orthorexia in the latest issue of Today’s Dietitian.

Orthorexia is a complex compulsion, often more difficult to address than other types of disordered eating because it is so often rooted in basically valuable efforts and intentions to eat healthfully and well. While anorexia put me in my most dire state of biological illness, I think overcoming orthorexia was in many ways a trickier challenge, because it was so hard to separate obsession and compulsion from the sincere value I place on mindful, conscious, health-supportive eating.

Dennett delves into all of the difficulties and complexities of addressing this syndrome, including the fact that, as of yet, there’s no consensus on a definition and no validated assessment tool. “Eating doesn’t become pathological until it becomes entangled with obsessive thinking, compulsive and ritualistic behavior, and self-punishment,” she notes, which echoed my own intuitive sense of what orthorexia is when I encounter it in my own work.

She also interviews Emily Fossenbeck, who is doing really important work in speaking up about her own experience with orthorexia and raising awareness on social media. Emily’s struggle with orthorexia began with elimination diets (a phenomenon I’ve observed often). She’s quoted saying,

“I only felt worse and worse but kept chasing this magical unicorn of the ‘perfect diet.’ The anxiety I felt about food was suffocating and totally overwhelmed most other parts of my life. I was afraid to eat out or travel or—the worst of it—to eat a normal meal with my family. I had to have complete control of everything I was eating.”

I’ve often seen the question posed of what distinguishes orthorexia from healthful eating, and I’ve written about it myself. I think the answer might be that anxiety and feeling of suffocation that Fossenbeck mentions. A particular kind of health-conscious eating style might be either self-caring or destructive; the difference rests in the mentality and subjective emotional experience of the individual in question.

I suspect that the dietetic and mental health treatment communities are just at the start of understanding this complicated expression of disordered eating. For now, the best we can hope for is more awareness, more observation and research, and an ongoing effort to enlist more people who have struggled with orthorexia to honestly share their stories. I’ve been giving lots of thought to recovery with NEDA week on the horizon, and this is nice motivation for me to use my voice.

5. I mentioned last week that the heart chakra and heart-opening are on my mind this month. With loving-kindness in mind, a sweet list to wrap up with.

Happy Sunday morning, everyone. I look forward to checking in with a hearty, colorful new winter salad recipe in a couple days.

The post Weekend Reading, 2.18.18 appeared first on The Full Helping.

Weekend Reading, 2.18.18 published first on

0 notes

lunatheranter · 8 years

Text

Luna Takes on The Vegan(ist)s

Let's be honest, I was going to pop up on one side of this at some point. You might be surprised to learn that Luna the Ranter is actually fairly neutral when it comes to the vegan/non-vegan argument; I don't have any strong opinions on whether or not one should or should not consume animal products. There are fair points on both sides. Back in the day, my mum used to say she'd never met a healthy vegan – but back in the 80s, the kind of nutritious alternatives we have now didn't exist and vegans pretty much had lettuce. On the other hand, animal products provide important sources of vitamins and minerals which we, as omnivorous predators, need to survive and it is somewhat ingrained into our nature. Give a lion a salad, I dare you.

What I do have strong opinions about, however, is the aggressive, we're-right-and-you're-immoral vegan uprising that's been steadily heading over the past year or so. To kick off, let me state outright the problems with this approach:

1. It's aggressive. Aggression is not positive, it is not fair, it is not necessary, and it does not work. It's more likely to force people to agree with you externally and then go somewhere else and do the polar opposite of what you've told them to do. And yes, it's not asking. It's telling. Guilt-tripping, yelling, forcing disturbing images in people's faces – these things are not only going to make people walk away, but also cast a shadow on any positivity in your movement. It is totally counter-productive and in the meantime you just make other people feel like shit. 2. It's obsessive. It nitpicks. It delves into the darkest, dankest corners and generalises its findings. It hunts through lists of ingredients to find a vitamin which may be derived from an animal product's second cousin twice removed. It demonises people who use animal products. Do you like being called an evil, immoral, heartless demon with no humanity on your way to feed homeless orphans because there's eggs on the menu? No. Does it even make sense? No. 3. It is immoral in itself to try to force another person to think the way you do, to believe the same things you do. That is called indoctrination, and that constitutes harm. By forcing your opinions on somebody else, you are harming them. This is part of my own moral code and belief system, so feel free to draw your own conclusions on this point.* 4. It is unrealistic. I am not a vegan. I am not ever going to be a vegan. I had a dream where I got water on my vintage suede trousers and I woke up in cold sweats so the idea of me getting rid of them is ludicrous. There are thousands of people like me who are not and will not be vegan, no matter how many statistics you yell at them. Trying to straight-up convert people who do not want to be converted is a fool's game. More on this later.

*Secondly, I feel I have to make a statement about morality before I continue; when addressing such a topic, it is important to note that we are born with humanity (that is, the ability to love, to care, to nurture etc (with the exclusion of sociopaths)) but morality is not inate. Morality is something we build for ourselves. It doesn't come from some mystical far-off cloud land, and nobody's moral code is exactly the same (if yours matches somebody else's without discrepancy, I'm afraid you've been indoctrinated; refer to point 3 above). It's based on our experiences, opinions, ideas, and formation of the way we individually understand the world. We are not born moral beings. If we were, history and society would look very, very different.

But enough of the support act, let's get the headliner on stage. I'm obviously aware that this does not apply to ALL vegans (the same way it's not ALL men and not ALL white people; that's not the point we're addressing here) and I am specifically addressing the aggressive, obsessive, narrow-minded veganist (can we call it veganist? I like veganist) movement that's been spreading of late. The video which was the final straw in my shall-I-shan't-I internal debate on whether to post something was shared by a good friend of mine who is a vegetarian and animal rights activist, and who agreed with... the meat-eating man. Because she, like myself, does not like to see people aggressively ramming their opinions down somebody else's throat.

In this video, they quote a conversion statistic which cannot be verified. This is one of my bug-bares with these people. Are they calculating based on people who said they would convert on the day? More than likely. Did they conduct 6 to 12 month follow up interviews to find out whether those people actually made those changes? I highly doubt it. Therefore, the statistic is completely null. I see this time and time again with this type of movement. They take the most extreme, raw statistic and blast it out there like it's the word of a deity. Why do I know that this happens? Because I've done it. For my dissertation, I went to WHO and quoted the raw suicide rate instead of the age standardised rate. Why? Because it's higher. Because I want to make people think “oh my god, that's horrible!” (I then went back and corrected the statistic because that’s not ethical practice). I'm going to rest my case on stats and facts right here and let you mull it over while we have a paragraph break.

Silly, silly veganists (I'm using this term now). Did you really think that screaming “You're a bad person!” in my face as I walk down the street was going to change my mind? No. You've just ruined my day. So what I'm going to do is sit in front of your protest and eat this steak, because I no longer believe that your opinions are valid. You've successfully invalidated your own movement. Applause. Spamming social networks with disturbing pictures of mutilated animals is only going to get you blocked. This approach not only doesn't work, it can be dangerous. You could cause somebody serious mental harm by doing this. I've seen clearly anxious people forced to engage in arguments by these people. I've seen people crying because they're being spammed with traumatic images. This is nothing short of pure aggression. The desire to upset people. Unfortunately, it seems that a lot of people jump on the bandwagon purely because they want to hurt others in this way, and not because they genuinely support the cause. It's extraordinary the lengths people will go to. It's unethical, it's unfair, and it's totally unnecessary.

Let me exemplify with an analogy or two: I used to eat a lot of meat. I'm talking seven days a week, at least twice a day. My family have always been big meaties. Meat in everything. Meat with a side of meat garnished with meat. It was like meat > water. I didn't notice it for a while, but I was getting sick of eating so much meat. It actually made me quite ill. Don't get me wrong, I've always had a very healthy diet, but I started to meat overload. I needed to cut down. Then I went to Bermondsey Market, where I encountered RAW. The woman was super friendly, answering all my questions about how the vegan cakes were made, what's in everything, what kind of extra nutrients I can get from this food. I loved how varied the ingredients were. I bought some food to try, and I loved it. I now eat consequently vegetarian or vegan meals about 4~6 days a week. It's not even a conscious effort; I was shown an alternative, and I liked it, so I ended up cutting down. A lot. But wait! There's more! SOAS (School of Oriental and African Studies, University of London) is known for it's... um... alternative? societies and events, so naturally we have a vegan soc. They like to do bakesales. I like it when they do bakesales, because my first ever taste of vegan cake was THE BEST lemon drizzle cake I've EVER had. I bought a few things to try, and I loved all of them. Not one of them was a different consistency than regular cake, not one of them tasted a bit weird. This year, I made myself a vegan birthday cake (mostly because we were having a dinner party, and one of my housemates is vegan, but I had wanted to try vegan baking since the bakesale) and when I discovered how easy it was, I switched to vegan baking. I'm not strict with it, but it's there (plus, if I want my housemate to try my cookies........) Why am I telling you this? I want you to notice how it was achieved. There were no placards or disturbing videos of people taking bites out of live cows. There was no demonising, no guilt-tripping, no force-feeding somebody else's moral code. I was simply offered the opportunity to try an alternative, with the hope that it might result in me making changes. Nobody told me that I'm evil for not being a vegan, immoral for my lifestyle choices. They just said “hey, would you like to try this? It's healthy and sustainable” so I said “yeah, let's give that a go”, and when I liked it, viola! It resulted in change. This just in! Being nice to people makes them want to listen to you more than being shitty and aggressive! Oh, that's not just in? What do you mean, that's been around for centuries?! Moving on...

I want to talk (briefly, because this is getting tl;dr) about the idealism of the veganist (I've coined the term now, it can't be revoked) movement, because it's not realistic. These people want everyone to stop using animal products overnight. Though I detest to do so, I must inform you that that's not going to happen. First of all, we need to remember that being vegan isn't just about diet – a vegan can't wear, wash in, eat or otherwise use ANYTHING which contains substances derived from animals. That means checking your fabrics, toiletries, appliances (because polymer and some other plastics (rather unecessarily, to be completely honest) use animal fat in the manufacturing process) for vegan friendly status before buying. Expecting everyone to suddenly commit to this change is just ludicrous. What we can ask people to do is to cut down. To reduce. To aim for things which are kinder and more sustainable. In mass production, even the “good” things aren't as great as we want them to be. We can encourage people to switch from supermarket to local marketplace buying as the animal products usually come from local, sustainable, well-structured farms which don't operate on a large scale and therefore rear their animals to a much better standard. We can ask for people to use less. To petition and rally for better farming practices. To be willing to pay a little more for better treatment of farm animals. In year 9 biology, we watched a video from a battery egg farm. I went home so disturbed that I point blank refused to eat anything other than free-range eggs. My mum said they were too expensive. She spent years saying they're too expensive. I still refused to eat eggs from caged hens. I went without eggs. Now that I'm an adult and I control what I buy, I was picking up free-range eggs every time I went home, because I knew my mum would have caged. One day, my brother ate one of my eggs (I was mad). When he noticed that the quality was much, much better than the ones he's used to eating, guess what? He refused to eat caged hen eggs. So then there were two of us. My brother pestered my mum relentlessly, insisting that free-range was much better. She now buys free-range eggs, and we all agree. It's better. My point is, it took me years to get one person to make this change. Some people will change their lifestyle at the drop of a hat. Others won't. Some will never come completely to your side, but telling them they're bad people isn't going to change their mind. I'm not ever going to be vegan. I can state that outright. But I've made dietary changes: all of the meat I buy is locally and sustainably sourced, I often opt for meat-free options purely of my own free will, I only buy free-range animal products and my milk consumption has dropped from 4 pints a week (hella milk) to 2 pints a fortnight (not so much milk). I know that I'm not willing to commit to a fully vegan lifestyle, (I eat A LOT of eggs and I love my purple suede trousers waaaaaay too much) but I have been encouraged to make changes by people who have approachably and enthusiastically offered me alternatives that I've enjoyed.

My problem is not and never has been with the movement. Your lifestyle choices are yours to make. It's not my place to tell people what they should or should not eat. My problem is with the methods, because aggression is NEVER the answer, and calmly offering an alternative always works much better than trying to force people to agree with you – and if it's not my place to tell you what to eat, it's not your place to do so either.

Luna out on vegan(ist)s.

#Luna the Ranter #LtR #veganism #vegan #modern movements #propaganda #society #veganists #I was going to call it veganazis but I wasn't prepared for the backlash