#i just had to make the reader a little more gay to appease my own needs

[soaps-mohawk]

I honestly wouldn’t mind having a second omega if we get to be a power couple and torture all the boys with how cute and sexy we are tbh.

Would also love to see how the reader handles seeing the omega from the place again

Happy? Nervous? Excited?

Would love to see what you would do with it

(But im also selfish and would be iffy at dirst but it sounds like a cool idea)

That's basically the concept of my idea that involves two omegas 😂

I'm going to use your ask to explain that idea finally lol. I didn't nap but I am more awake now than I was lol.

But essentially, that idea exists sort of in a world like the one in CRCB, except the CIA is less involved and it's just more governments that require omegas to join the omega initiative and it's not exclusive to military, it's more just widespread in general packs are required to register and omegas get assigned based on things like personality tests, skills, temperament, etc. This fic would focus more on the opposite end of things, though, as the main omega would not be an institute trained omega.

Basically, TF141 already has an omega at the time the fic starts. She's institute trained (not the reader from CRCB though, would be an OC), and bonded and claimed by Price and Gaz. The fic would focus more on Simon and Johnny because Simon likes Price's omega but just isn't feeling it. Of course, the imbalance is starting to cause some tension within the pack, even if they don't mean for it to. That's a big no no, so Laswell does some digging for them and finds who she thinks is the perfect omega for Simon and Johnny and thus enters the reader.

I don't have much decided on as far as the reader's backstory goes (I'm trying not to entertain this idea too much yet lol) but she didn't attend an institute. So, she gets to go get her life upended and live on base with a bunch of crusty stinky military dudes (i'm kidding...mostly...) and of course there's some adjusting and tension and angst and sweet bonding with everyone. (again, I haven't thought much into the details on this one) But, eventually, the omegas kind of band together since they're in the same boat and they're together and alone a lot of the time while the guys train and are sent out on assignments and such.

Of course we get that sweet wlw goodness in there and it's kind of borrowing a lot from that line in CRCB where the reader remarks that some alphas like to watch omegas together 👀

Probably would be a lot spicier than CRCB has ended up being. Of course there will be angst (it's Ghost what do you expect lmaoo) and drama and probably a lot of tears but yeah. That's the basis of that idea.

Switching gears here, I have played around with the idea of bringing the other omega in for a cameo or something, but I wouldn't bring her in for like a full time kind of situation, a second omega type thing or anything like that. As much as my heart years for some wlw representation, I'm leaving it as just being something that happened in the past and focusing on just the reader and the guys cause I know that's what people have come into the fic expecting.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Spoiler for Jujutsu Kaisen

I'm sorry it's so long and looks like a vent post. I'm sorry for those of you who had great luck in avoiding Jujutsu Kaisen until now. With that, let me give some context before the assholery.

Jujutsu Kaisen has a breakout character, Gojo, he is unique, flawed, well written, well loved, overpowered, and the most misunderstood character in this series. He recently met his end in the most infuriating way possible. It was an unceremonious death, off screened, after the biggest most violent battle in the series. Before he was brutally offed with just meaningless exposition detailing how he was killed and him uncharacteristically justifying the death in an afterlife scene that's written to appease a large part of the fandom (shippers- he's gay coded, no waifu here). His death completely destroyed his legacy and the future of this manga.

Problem: This is a popular series with disproportionate numbers of haters, casual fans, fans who get their information from tiktok or fanworks instead of the manga, fans who did a surface level reading of it, opinionated fans who didn't read after a certain point but discuss every new chapter like they're experts, people who hate it because they compared it to their favorite series and Jujutsu Kaisen didn't go that way, people who harass the readers and wish bodily harm on the author for not conforming to FANON, the works.

Gojo was MIA for almost 3 years which made fanon takeover the fandom, when he came back the author was accused of mischaracterization and bad writing because he didn't match 3 years of fanon. Reiterating, I mean fanon not headcanon, the headcanons here are almost all fanon based too and you will get nasty anons if you say you dislike FANON or praise CANON but I believe in people's right to headcanon.

My relationship with this: I've been a fan since 2019, this character of Gojo resonated with me like no one did in my 20+ years in fandom, he is my specialest blorbo, his relationship with his best friend has moved me etc. I'm autistic and this is my special interest as well. Needless to say depression has hit me like a freight train.

MY problem: My friend of 7 years who's currently deeply into yuri and danmei, who shared many fandoms with me, has been through the thick and thins with me, has decided to make me an enemy. When the chapter came out he chatted with me sent his condolences. Then he in his own social medias started talking about how he knew it was going to be a bad series, how he's glad he quit after struggling through 50 chapters, made all the jokes in the world about this death, discussed every little thing he hated and mocked this with his other weeb friends who are like the people I mentioned in the Problem section, validated all their complaints based on their reading of the FANON. He has had many discussions with me about this manga and very rarely did he express any of this negativity.

My assholery: I got frustrated, it was like he wanted me to see how much he could hurt me. I messaged him saying, "Hey what are you saying here, that's not how this character is written. The chapter is bad but this criticism is baseless and in bad faith" He laughed it off, "It's not that deep, this is fiction." I argued that's a shallow thing to say, he said it should have been like FANON since that makes more sense. I said that's conventional writing I thought we wanted different things than the same old nice characters in found family and such.

Then I said something about his favorites and hypocrisy, he said he's not so into it that he couldn't take criticism. I said that was a lie he's always writing essays about those characters. I also said criticize it for the right reasons damn it. He kept denying his own love for his fave so he could keep criticizing mine, because he at least had the sense to not fall for a shounen series. I asked if he was enjoying hurting me. He said are you for real, get a grip and stop justifying your behavior for fiction, they won't giving you cookies for defending them, if you can't bear to see negativity then feel free to mute or block. I snapped and said this is why no one likes casual fans, you can't keep your mouth shut about things you don't know. Have fun with being a two faced friend to everyone. Then I blocked him everywhere.

Some of my friends said I should have muted him long ago, I said this was inevitable if he was just going to validate everyone in vicinity, he had to pick a side. Others said I was right to tell him off. I regret some of the comments I made now.

AITA for the way I handled it? He is right, I could have muted him, I could have not spent my time doomscrolling and seeing all the bad takes he agreed with. I could have waited it out and not dropped an old friend over fiction. I could have done many things.

Please don't comment about touching grass, that's the least helpful thing anyone can say on blorbo the website. It's not a real advice we all know that. Therapy is also there for the depression and it will take years for me to get over the death, you don't need to remind me.

What are these acronyms?

[twigg96]

I forgot if you write xreader fanfiction or not, so if you don’t, ignore this 😅. But if you do, could I request headcannons for the metalocalypse band (not poly)x bookworm reader? The reader is shy but loves horror and books. Have a nice day!

Hello Anon!! I absolutely do still write xreader fanfic. I hope you enjoy this little short fic!

Toki was the first to notice the small simple comforts of their shared living space going missing. An extra large bean bag chair they used occasionally in the game room. A string of white fairy lights Pickles kept as back up in his drug room in case his neons ever stopped working. A wax warmer Skwisgaar had been using to melt cosmetic wax to make his skin smooth before he discovered bees wax strips. A soft plush oversized blanket made to look like an animal pelt that Murderface accused Nathan of stealing for weeks before giving up the fight. Three of Nathan’s favorite novels disappeared and reappeared within weeks of each other, not that the singer complained much he just wanted to know they were safe and not covered in various fluids.

However when Toki’s stuffed bunny goes missing he became more concerned about the whereabouts of their missing things. Had a mischievous imp came and claimed their items as their own?! If so maybe he could try to make a trade? Some flowers and small acknowledgments to try and appease them so they’d leave him alone? Or maybe it was witch who was using their items to put a curse on their little make-shift family? Rubbing his arms for some semblance of comfort Toki poked his head into the rooms of Mordhause.

The living room was loud, resounding with boisterous laughter of Murderface and Pickles watching a cartoon about two cartoon teenage groupies reacting to various music videos. Toki tried his best not to be too in the way as he ducked under furniture and reached behind the cushions his friends were currently sitting on searching for any of the missing items. “Uh… Toki…” Murderface growled glaring at the young rhythm guitarist as the brunette grazed his bottom in his search beneath the cushions. Toki was quick to retract his hand but the damage was already done. Murderface looked both pissed and disgusted, both men now were completely focused on Toki. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” The bassist finished his sentence, a hint of his long lost southern accent shining through. Toki shrunk under his friend’s intense gaze. How could he explain he was looking for the magic creatures that stole their shit? Instead Toki simply shrugged. “Justs… looking for… my ring?” He said more of a question for himself than for the others. The heavy blush that coated his cheeks only grew darker as Pickles bellowed with laughter and Murderface stared back in disbelief. “You don’t even own a ring dood!” Pickles sputtered out between gasping laughter. Murderface huffed and shook in rage. “That’sch scho fucking gay!” He growled crossing his arms. “Awe c’mon Will. Toki didn’t mean to grope you.” Pickles teased with a wink. “What were ya lookin’ for Toki?” Pickles asked earnestly. Nervously biting the skin on his thumb Toki shuffled his feet, avoiding eye contact with Pickles. “There’s been stuffs goin’s missing. I ams been looking for it.” Toki muttered not missing the way his friends simply stared in response. “What’s missing?” Murderface asked boredom clear on his expression as if he was over the conversation completely. Toki shrugged picking at his nail until pain shot up his finger begging him to stop. “Ah… wells I noticeds things. Like lights in Pickles Smoke Den. And dat blanket-“ Toki was suddenly cut off, his shoulders grabbed roughly by his curly haired friend. “I FUCKING KNEW I WASNT NUTS!” The bassist screamed before Pickles gentled him away from the trembling Norwegian. “It was Nathan wasn’t it! That blanket hog always goes for the best blankets during cuddle time when we watch Hulu…” Murderface sulked. Pickles sighed rubbing circles in his friends back. “How can we help?” Toki was thankful that Pickles seemed so easy going about the whole situation and smiled. “Follow me.”

Leading his friends through the halls and into various unfruitful empty rooms he led them into the kitchen. Nathan leaned up against the counter. His large big gulp size cup was filled of fully caffeinated coffee and a full bottle of Z-Quill. His 2-AM Cold Fucker as he liked to call it. Everyone begged him to switch to Decalf so he could sleep and recover. But the frontman outright refused, citing the high he felt when he was so tired it physically hurt as inspiration for his best works. Whatever worked Toki supposed. The group fanned out around the kitchen, opening cabinet doors peeking inside and closing them with loud pops that made the stoned frontman jump in surprise each and every time. “The fuck are you guys doing?” Nathan growled, his growly voice sounding a tad nasally. “We ams looking for our lost things.” Toki said proudly, opening the fridge before sticking his head in to search. Nathan blinked slowly. Scrubbing his face with his palm, Nathan hummed. “Oh… I thought… uh… I thought you were looking for those fucking elves I saw earlier.” Murderface cocked a brow glancing to the open and half eaten carton of tollhouse cookies. “You mean the fuckin’ Keebler Elvesch?!” He asked smirking as Nathan’s eyes went wide. “Yeah… I guess that’s their name… they came running past here a few minutes ago.” Pickles chuckled, simply patting Nathan on the shoulder and gentling his nearly empty Cold Fucker out of his hand. “I think you had enough of this big guy.” Nathan nodded looking way too tired. “Pickle. Do you want to help him to bed?” Toki asked, but before the redhead could even move Nathan shook his head. “I think I’ll just help you guys look for a little while. I’m not… I won’t sleep. Not yet.” Nathan muttered.

The group stumbled into the studio per Nathan’s request. Hell Toki thought that maybe the frontman had stored away their favorite items amongst the disaster of a mess he called his writing nook. Dropping their large friend into one of the oversized bean bag chairs Toki searched through the piles of garbage scattered around the floor. “Ok. Ok. I’m ready tell that fucker over there to turn the mic on.” Nathan slurred pointing to the large mirror they had hanging and not the two way glass that held the sound booth. “Uhh. Nat’an big guy. Hate to break this to ya. But Dick went home fer the night.” Pickles said with executed skill hiding the smirk clearly written on his lips. Nathan on the other hand was decidedly not happy with the news. “What?! No. Get his cyborg ass back. I need him here NOW!” The frontman bellowed making the ears ring of all his companions and the glass shake in the room. If it weren’t for the reinforcements Charles put in years ago, the glass might have just shattered. Suddenly a small click was heard over the speakers of the studio. Toki looked up in amazement watching as the Nathan, Pickles, and Murderface all did the same. “Wills you please shut de fucks up?!” Skwisgaar’s clearly hung over and sleep deprived voice rang through the sound system muffled only by what Toki could assume was his hand, a shirt or even another person’s body. “Skwisgaar?! Ams you watching us froms yous bed with groupie sluts?!” Toki cried out feeling completely violated and a little uncomfortable at the thought. Skwisgaar groaned once more, his pain resounding through the very speakers. “No Toki you fuckin’s dildo. Shut ups your dumb ams hurtin’s my head. Nat’an gots me sick wit’ his cold.” Skwisgaar said, his voice just as nasally as Nathan’s. “I didn’t sleeps wit de groupie sluts. Mys room ams too hots so I sleeps here where it ams cold. Charlie don’t pay for heat in de studio when Dick ams behind schedule so it’s cool in here.” There was a silence for a few minutes. A comfortable easy silence that washed over the little family. “So can you record me for a few minutes… ya know… before I loose my inspiration.” Nathan muttered. Skwisgaar’s laugh sounded painful and sickly. “Ams you seeing de Keebler Elves again?” He asked, his voice dripping in amusement. “Juscht hit the fucking button.” Murderface growled and with that the familiar beep of the computer recording started and Nathan started rattling off his insane ideas. Ranging anywhere from “Peppermint Chocolate Milk” to “we could totally sell merchandise at a reasonable price but make that shit super limited edition… I’m thinking like one one hundred of an item ya know. Like the thread of my sweaty underwear and people will pay… like… at least half a million for it.”

Three hours passed. It was now five in the morning and all the boys looked and felt like they’ve been run over by a truck. Toki had one last room to check. The library. The others insisted they check in the morning but Toki was insistent so they each trudged in, dragging his feet behind him. “I swears to gods little Toki if it amn’ts here I ams going to-“ Skwisgaar’s rant was cut off by the soft glow of white light coming from behind one of the shelves. “Fairies!” Toki whispered in awe. Nathan snorted half asleep his entire weight leaning on William’s shoulder. “No… Their Elves Toki… get it right…” he muttered, groaning as William shuffled him in his grip. “I don’t care what they are. He’sch heavy.” William murmured walking past the others. Peeking around the shelves the band smiled at the sight they saw. It wasn’t Fairies as Toki thought. Or Elves as Nathan was sure of. It certainly wasn’t Nathan like William had been so insistent in. No. It was their dearest friend. They laid sleeping curled in a little ball on the extra large bean bag chair covered in Murderface’s blanket. A small pile of Nathan’s favorite books were scattered around them. One was loosely gripped in their hand , the pages fluttering closed as it slid precariously off the bean bag and onto the floor. Pickles’ fairy lights were strung neatly across the shelves around them as they slept. Casting the perfect amount of light for them to read without having to turn the harsh fluorescent lights of the library on keeping them from their much needed sleep. Cuddled close to their chest was Toki’s stuffed bunny, tucked sweetly under their chin as if protecting them from the horrors that lived in the pages of the books they loved most. On the table behind them was Skwisgaar’s wax warmer sending out the sweetest aroma of honey vanilla wax melts. Toki was the first to emerge from their hiding place, gentling the book from their hand and placing the book mark in the place he was certain they were last at. Laying it gently on the table behind them he smiled, watching Skwisgaar turn the complicated wax warmer off and Pickles dim the lights ever so slightly to a more tolerable level. A soft thud caught Toki’s attention and he couldn’t help the chuckle that left his chest when he saw the compromising position William had dropped Nathan in. His face down on a hard cover book, arching his back and knees bent with his butt in the air, the frontman looked silly as he cuddled the book he was laying on close as loud snores roared though him. Their friend shifted only slightly snuggling deeper in their sleep with a soft sigh and Toki had to laugh. They always were a deep sleeper. Laying down beside the singer the rest of the band cuddled close for warmth, besides Skwisgaar who simply growled at being gross and sweaty and not wanting to be touched until either he died or he got better. Toki smiled taking his friends hand and Skwisgaar’s anyway ignoring his snotty protests as sleep drew heavy over him. This was the best he could ever hope for.

[starlightstevie]

fic recs / may 2021

Happy summer! I know I missed last month’s fic recs so hopefully I’ll make up for it with these brilliant fics. Hope you guys enjoy!

warm water by @xbuchananbarnes​ Thor x reader: Thor comes home to find his love.

*passionate & burning by @peachyteabuck Thor x reader: You’re busy with working from home, but Thor has other plans for the day.

but i just wanna hear your voice by @blackberrybucky Thor x reader: Thor comes back after they defeat Thanos and tries to make things right with you.

*all there’s left to do is run by spacelabrathor Dothraki!Thor x reader: Horse warlord Thor finds you a captive in a raid of a desert village and gives you a choice. Freedom by a quick death or taking his hand and going with him, to be his. You choose life, and with it, a husband who is wild and fierce and more than you could have ever imagined.

*summoned by @darklydeliciousdesires​ Old God!Thor x villager!reader: The buffet of offerings, all of which shall placate, appease and satiate every whim and desire of the gods is laid out and ready, you amongst them.

ships in the night by @sugardaddytonystark Pirate King!Thor x Dora Milaje mermaid!reader: When Thor, the infamous Pirate King, lays down anchor in Wakanda, the last thing you expect is for him to ask for aid from your own king. You volunteer your assistance, leaving the home you’ve always known to set sail with King Odinson and his crew.

*cut offs by @milaonthemoon Frank x reader: You get kidnapped and Frank has to get you out.

tired by @castawaybarnes​ Frank x reader: Keeping yourself awake waiting for Frank was getting easier once you got used to the bitterness of black coffee.

*ash painted lips by @sebbytrash Frank x reader: Frank is your lifeline, protecting you like only he can do but you harbour not-so-secret feelings for him that threaten to shake the foundation of this steady, necessary partnership.

scales of justice weigh the consequence by @inspiresimagine​ Frank x reader: the world is black and white until you find your soulmate. you’re a single mom in NYC accustomed to life as-is, but apparently, the universe has other plans. namely? frank castle.

*generosity by @pumpkin-stars Frank x reader: AKA: The five (or more) things Frank usually does when he fucks you, and the one time he does something different.

poltergeists for sidekicks by @bubble-tea-bunny​ Frank x reader: Frank’s lost count of the days he’s come home to you already fast asleep.

*frank + overstimulation by @honeychicana

*frank + rough sex by @sweeterthanthis​

*frank + breath play by sweeterthanthis

*frank + doggy style by @honeydulcewrites​

*frank + gun play by honeydulcewrites

*frank + gun play (2) by honeydulcewrites

*frank + gun play (3) by honeydulcewrites

*frank + overstimulation by honeydulcewrites

*frank coming home to you by honeydulcewrites

*untitled frank smut by @luciilferss​

*playing with frank’s hair by inspiresimagine

frank + praise by inspiresimagine

*frank putting you in a headlock while fucking you by @punani​

*nobody else but me by @allaboardthereadingrailroad​ Shane Walsh x reader: Shane knows exactly what you need.

the comet by @mcubabydotcom​ Steve x reader: You and Steve witness a once-in-a-lifetime celestial event.

*the punishment by ozarkthedog Nomad!Steve x reader: You disobeyed Steve and now you must make it up to him.

*headinthequinjet by xbuchananbarnes Steve x reader: Steve’s having a hard time breathing.

*shotgunning with chris by ozarkthedog

*cockwarming with chris by @buckyssimp​

*a teal crushed velvet ride by @ozarkthedog​ Chris x reader: You love Chris’s Teal Velvet Pants. He notices and decides to indulge you.

*don’t look away by ozarkthedog Chris x reader: Chris fucks you against a mirror.

*keep the heat by ozarkthedog Andy Barber x reader: Andy fucks you in the coat.

*i don’t work jobs (i am a job) by @peachyteabuck Andy x reader: Andy needs to teach you that “staying at home” doesn’t preclude a little thing called “work.”

*worst behaviour by buckyssimp Professor!Bucky x reader: Bucky notices you staring at him during class. 

*lipstick stain by @xbuchananbarnes​ Bucky x reader: Bucky could recognize that laugh anywhere.

bucky takes care of you by @buckyblues

*you better act like this dick belongs to you by buckyblues

*lazy day with bucky by buckyblues

*pegging bucky by buckyblues

*bucky tit fucking you by buckyblues

something new by @mxsamwilson​ Sam Wilson x Bucky Barnes: Fellas is it gay to receive an intimate haircut from your boy? (ft Bucky being hopelessly in love with Sam but too much of an idiot to tell him).

*the magic word by @whateveriwant Bucky x reader: Bucky agrees to try something you’ve always wanted to do with him, but only under the condition that a certain word be employed if need be.

warm by @revengingbarnes​ Bucky x reader: “The fire alarm in our building went off and you rushed out without a coat. Wanna share my blanket?”

patterns by @xbuchananbarnes Bucky x reader: Bucky plays with your hair.

pretending to not feel alone by blackberrybucky Bucky x reader: Bucky, hopeless romantic, meets you, committed cynic. What could go wrong?

*bucky’s first time in 70 years by @luciilferss

*fluorescent adolescent by @ohbuckie​ College!Bucky x reader: Bucky fucks you on his bedroom floor.

*it’s a cruel summer by blackberrybucky Bucky x reader: You and Bucky are friends with benefits, but what happens when you realize you want more?

*sex on legs by @navybrat817​ Bucky x reader: Bucky looks good in anything.

ride with me by @jurassicbarnes Detective!Bucky x Biker!reader: When his best friend forces him to third wheel on a road trip, Bucky doesn’t expect for it to become so eventful, let alone find something, or rather someone worth staying for.

*going live by @ritesofreverie​ Camboy!Bucky x reader: Your new neighbour looks familiar, where had you seen him before?

*stranded by @honeysucklesteve Dad’s best friend!Bucky x reader: When your car breaks down on the side of the road and your dad can’t come rescue you, he sends the next best thing.

if i could fly, i’d be coming right back home to you by blackberrybucky Sam x reader: Exile over, Sam comes home to you.

baby, i still see ya by blackberrybucky Sam x reader: Sam comes home, the future calling to him. He sees you again, and gets a little caught up in the past

*if you ever want to be in love by blackberrybucky Sam x reader: How your relationship with Sam falls apart and comes back together.

taller than me by @kaitsukibakugo Katsuki Bakugo x Izuku Midoriya: Katsuki has found love with someone who years ago he never would have expected. Now Deku is his husband and he’s noticed something else he never thought possible: Deku is taller than him.

*would you like to stay forever? by kaitsukibakugo Pro Hero!Kirishima Eijiro x reader: Sparring with Pro Hero Kirishima Eijiro in his private gym at his home doesn't seem like a bad idea if you don't count the fact that you really, really like him.

how your bnha fave acts when they realize they’re in love by @inthorantine

*bnha love island headcannons by @doinmybesthere​

*first time bj headcannons by @shoutogepi

*the best pussy eater of mha by @dearestdynamight​

passing the night stars by @hoe-doroki Hitoshi Shinsou x reader: The party was neon and you needed darkness.

*let’s talk about deku’s hands by @rat-suki​

*waking up deku by spacelabrathor

*deku comes home after a late shift by doinmybesthere

*slow stroke king izuku by @sems-diarie​​

*champagne problems by @some-kindofgnome​ Katsuki Bakugou x reader: You were slipping between Bakugou’s fingers faster than ever now. Instead of letting it happen he clung to you even tighter. Instead of letting you go, instead of accepting that he’d driven this relationship into the fucking ground, he’d promised himself that he could still save it.

*presented by @tteokdoroki​ Dragon King!Katsuki x reader: On the twenty-first birthday of Katsuki Bakugou, an offering is made in his honour as he becomes chief of the dragons. Clans usually offer up sacrifices of berries or nuts, salts and fresh catches. But for those of Dargon’s blood, their offering is a mate... And that mate is you.

*domina by rat-suki Katsuki x reader: He’s just so hot when you get under his skin. You can’t possibly stop now.

*baby, i’m a haunted house by @ketslketslketsl​ Yakuza!Katsuki x reader: It’s been a long six months since you last saw him.

i’m a liability, get you wild, make you leave (i’m a little much for everyone) by @willowser Katsuki x reader: There’s no reason for Katsuki to be here. It’s all he can think, bitter, as he stares at the paint peeling from the door, exposing the wood grain underneath its thin coat. Old and distant, this house; too far from the city to make the trek worth it, for your job to make sense; too ancient to be lived in by the number 12 hero in Japan. If he closes his eyes, he can hear Lake Biwa from his position on your porch and the soft sway of the water almost calms down the storm that’s been building in him since he boarded the train, since he nearly snapped his phone in half.

*we are the foxes (and we run) by @spacelabrathor shoyo hinata x reader: After everything, the end of the world and the chaos and destruction that reigned after society fell, it takes a lot to surprise you. And yet, when you come to the edge of the pit, a gasp wrenches from you like someone gripped it in their fist and yanked. Laid out on the bed of leaves at the bottom of the pit is...something. Someone. Or, Hinata falls into reader’s pit trap after the end of the world. This is the story of how she pulls him out, drags him to her bunker, and they grow together. 

*dark priest!Obiwan Kenobi by @mandosmimi​

you’re the former babysitter of zemo’s son by @helahades​

*mando doesn’t realize how big his dick is by @cptnbvcks​​

[dangerous-mess]

Holiday Troubles

Characters: Aizawa, trans male reader

Contains: Unsupportive family, transphobia, homophobia, misgendering, mentions of a deadname (D/N), mentions of religion and praying, mentions of dysphoria, angst, hurt/comfort, angst with fluff ending. This was written mainly as a comfort fic during the winter holidays but wanted to post this here (originally posted on AO3). Please read with caution as this content may be triggering for some

Word Count: 2K+ 

The holidays were always rough for you, being not only gay but transgender as well. There were the off-putting tension and feelings every time you walked in the room, and the side glances and judgemental glares that were shot your way if you were even caught wearing something feminine and not masculine. Mostly from your parents and family, feeling the obligation that you had to follow gender norms in the hope to not only pass but to be taken seriously in your own identity.

The holidays got a little easier once you married your now husband. He made visiting your family a bit easier and made the holidays in general, more enjoyable for you. This year, unfortunately, he had meetings and a nightly patrol that he couldn’t get out of, so you were left to go to the Christmas family gathering by yourself.

The day came, and needless to say, you were a nervous mess. You dressed up in a suit, something masculine of course to appease your family and keep those comments at bay. Though, you knew you weren’t in the clear as there was still a high chance of being deadnamed and misgendered by family who were unsupportive or others who just didn’t try. Your husband, Shouta, let you know before he left early that morning that if you needed anything at all to give him or Hizashi a call and they would come and get you in a heartbeat. He said Hizashi, just in case he couldn’t be reached, which was fine with you, Hizashi had become a close friend to you.

You arrived at your parent's house a little later than they asked, just cause you were nervous and needed more time to prepare for this evening. You knocked on the front door, adjusting your suit as you waited for someone to open the door, only to be greeted by one of your younger siblings. They gave you a big hug, before dragging you inside where you were greeted by family. Your grandmother was the first to deadname you. She called out as you talked to your uncle, a devious smile on her face as the name rolled off her tongue. You cringed hearing it and so badly wanted to correct her, but if your mother caught wind that you did, who knows what drama may pursue. You endured the conversation with her, as she made sure to drop in your deadname every chance she could get.

“Honestly D/N, you really should stop playing dress up and realize that you are a girl. Your husband would be so much happier to have a wife who knows her place and not some confused girl.”

You took a deep breath and bid your goodbyes to your grandmother as you went to find someone else to talk to. Eventually, dinner was called, and you all gathered around and your grandfather said a prayer. You looked down at your feet the entire time, not really wanting to participate in the prayer. Soon it wrapped up and a line formed into the kitchen to get food. After everyone got food, everyone gathered around and talked, telling stories of things that happened within the past year in their lives, as well as asking questions to others to get the latest scoop. You just decided to eat silently, trying to not participate in the gossip fest happening before you.

“So Y/N, how are you and your husband doing?” Your dad asked before he took a sip of a beer. You held up your pointer finger, signaling that you needed a moment as your finished chewing food before you smiled and spoke.

“Oh, we are doing well! He sends his deepest apologies that he couldn’t make it, hero duties called.” You smiled, taking a quick glance around the room. Some whispers were exchanged, knowing it was about you and Shouta. It was clear that besides your family not supporting your identity, they also did not support your marriage to a hero. Especially a hero who was supportive of you and your identity.

“Honestly, how she manages to keep such a hero man, is insane. Like who would wanna marry some confused lesbian?” One of your aunts spoke out. You gripped your glass tightly, biting your tongue, not wanting to start any issues.

Other family members chimed in to add on to your aunt's comment and soon it became too much. You quickly excused yourself and went to the bathroom farthest away from your family. You pulled out your phone and texted your husband. You told him that you needed him or Hizashi or someone to come to pick you up, as you originally walked, as it was nice earlier prior to the sun setting. You quickly got a reply, saying your husband was on his way, and that he was getting someone to cover the rest of his patrol. You felt a bit bad to interrupt and have him leave his patrol, but god you just needed him right now more than anything.

You hid amongst the rooms as you waited for Shouta to send you a message or signal that he was here. Your mom called out your name, walking down the hall looking for you. The smile on her face dropped as she saw you and grabbed your arm.

“Come on Y/N, we are about to exchange gifts. Stop trying to hide and be nice and spend time with your family. It took a lot of work and effort to get everyone here, like your grandparents who haven’t seen you in ages.” Your mom aggressively whispered at you, as she pulled you towards the living room. You stayed silently, hoping that your husband would be here soon.

Your mom let you go and pointed to a chair near the tree. You sat down and were handed some gifts. You slowly opened them, trying not to draw attention to yourself. The first gift was in a gift bag, and opening it exposed a colorful piece of clothing. You pulled it out and it was a sundress. Although you didn’t mind breaking gender norms, dresses were never your thing, they held too many bad memories and made you dysphoric. You frowned, not having the energy to fake a smile. You felt your mind start to spiral before a voice pulled you out.

“Oh, D/N do you not like it. I made sure to even get the right size and everything. I thought you could put that on and surprise your husband when you go home. Imagine how he would react to see his wife, finally coming to terms with herself.” Your grandmother called out, staring at you the entire time. You went to open your mouth when another voice spoke up.

“Actually, I think my husband looks handsome and perfect just the way he is in the suit he is wearing, but thank you. Maybe we can save the dress and give it to one of my students, I know one of them would get much better use of it.” Shouta’s voice boomed out, making a hush fall across the room. You never heard the front door open, but then again Shouta was very good at staying silent. You looked at your husband, feeling all your emotions and feelings starting to rise to the surface. You caught a dirty look your mother gave you as you stood up and made your way over to Shouta.

He held out his hand as you got closer and held it tightly, quickly bidding goodbye for you both as he quickly led you outside to the car that was waiting outside and still running. “I had Hizashi drive me over, hope that’s okay.” You just nodded at him, not letting go of his hand until you got into the car. As soon as you and Shouta were in the car, Hizashi sped off.

“Heya listener, how did it go?” Hizashi asked out, peeking into the mirror looking back at you.

“I lasted longer than last year, so that’s a new record at least.” You joked, trying not to cry. At least not now, you had to make it until you were home and in bed, with your husband holding you close.

Hizashi talked most of the ride home, while Shouta kept glancing back at you. You tried to listen to what was being said, but you couldn’t focus, so you just looked out the window, slightly dozing off. You woke up to the feeling of being carried, your eyes adjusted as you saw Shouta was carrying you into the house and to the bedroom. On any other occasion, if he was carrying you like this you were bound to tease or crack a joke or something, but in this moment you just stayed in his arms, gripping onto him tightly. Once you both got to the bedroom, he helped you undress and slip on something comfy. After he finished helping you, he quickly changed and climbed into bed, pulling you close to him and holding you tightly.

For a while, you just laid there in his arms, fighting back the urge to scream and cry. Though, after he comforted you and let you know it was okay to be upset and that you could let it all out. In which you did, you sobbed in his chest for what felt like hours. You screamed and sobbed and let out all the feelings you bottled up for the few hours you were at the family gathering. Eventually, you ran out of tears to cry and were only left with your own thoughts. You were overthinking, mostly dwelling on the words your family spoke out to you this evening, and couldn’t help but question if it was true.

“Sho...I’ve got to ask you something, kind of important.” You gently pushed away and sat up in the bed, looking at him. He stared at you, and nodded, letting you know it was okay to continue on. You took a deep breath and went for it, “Am I enough for you? I brought a lot of baggage and trouble into our relationship and I know it can’t be easy for you dating me, specifically with the backlash and comments that get made by my family and others about me transitioning and just. If you were with anyone else, I feel like you won’t get all this drama and I’m sorry I’ve brought so much of it onto you Shouta.”

You watched as his facial expression changed and you quickly looked away, finding interest in anything that wasn’t his face, afraid of what his reaction not only meant but the words that were about to follow. “Y/N, please look at me.” You slowly looked up and he placed a hand on your cheek. “I love you Y/N. I love you for you, you are my husband and I won’t want anyone else besides me. You are more than enough for me. And we both have a lot of baggage but that doesn’t change my feelings for you, we can work through it all together. I meant what I said in my vows and at our wedding and I still stand by it. Forever and always.”

You fiddled with your fingers before speaking up, “I love you Shouta so much, I’m just afraid one day I won’t be enough, cause as silly as it is, I don’t feel masculine or manly enough, that you’ll find more of a ‘real’ man one day and just leave me behind.” Tears filled your eyes and you looked down, just wanting to hide under the blankets.

“Y/N Aizawa, you are absolutely masculine and manly enough. I will never find anyone else or more a man than you. You are all I want, and all I need. I love you so much, don’t ever doubt my love for you, cause it is never-ending sweetheart.” Shouta spoke out, lifting your head up and placing a small kiss on your forehead before pulling you into his arms, holding you close. You just stayed there close, as Shouta whispered sweet nothings into your ear as you drifted off to sleep.

Shouta always made the holidays more bearable, but he also made life in general easier. He made waking up a little easier and helped with your hectic thoughts to calm you down. He truly was the love of your life and the best you could ever ask for. You couldn’t have gotten any luckier to have a husband as sweet and perfect as you. He may not be the number one hero to the rest of the world, but in your eyes and his heart, he was, he was your number one hero.

[gayregis]

if you've read season of storms is it any good? i read a sample and was kind of bored but i don't want to spend money on it if it's going to be like,,,,,,,,,lady of the lake

reading this i was like “wait lady of the lake was good though,” then i paused to actually think about it as a cohesive narrative for a bit, and went “actually wait never mind :/...” it was good thematically, and there were a lot of great scenes, but like as a whole book... if you could only read that book on its own... it would be very long and confusing. i just think lotl’s good because i do the uncivilized thing of skipping around to the parts i like and then i don’t read the parts i dislike

but luckily i have already ranted about season of storms before, and i’ll post that rant here now. for context, i actually read season of storms from cover to cover... yeah.

overall, it's a disorganized and aimless plot. it's set inbetween tlw and sod, so there's no quest to find ciri, because geralt hasnt met ciri yet, he's still our free bachelor geralt. which means hes still quite directionless and when it comes to his personal life it's mostly preoccupied with romance. but more importantly it means the plot is incredibly aimless and NOT PERSONAL to geralt, like all the stories in TLW and SOD and all the saga books revolve around events and people super meaningful to him. what happens in the plot is a whole JUMBLE of things that feel like sidequests from the witcher games, not a story from the witcher books. nothing really means anything for geralt's character development, and it suffers from being so long because there's like a lot of different settings and characters and everything just seems completely thrown together, mashed up, and not coordinated. 

i will admit that baptism of fire & tower of the swallow followed a style of “random encounters” in which geralt and the company traverse on and just interact with whatever they happen to find, but it felt like they were accruing knowledge (and also. members of the company) as they travelled on. in season of storms, it feels like geralt starts over and the entire book resets itself every time there is a new scene. none of the plotlines fit together, so it is just a super confusing and exhausting reading experience, unlike in bof & tos, where you can follow the action quite easily and it’s very pleasant to read because it’s all one continuous storyline.

in addition, all of these mashed up stories are pointless, because they dont END with the reader learning anything about the universe the characters live in or their relationships with each other. we might learn that sorcerers are power-hungry, but we already knew that. we might learn that people are violent and corrupt, but we already knew that. we might learn that geralt loves yennefer, but we already knew that. in the short stories, you learn so much about the world and geralts relationships (for example: we learn so much about the situations surrounding the elves in edge of the world, so it’s worth reading because otherwise you will not understand anything when the scoia’tael show up in blood of elves and later in the saga). and in the saga, this continues and more worldbuilding/relationship building occurs (geralt and ciri’s relationship grows from a question of price and then becomes crazy right around baptism of fire when they’re super linked by destiny). it really doesnt in season of storms. you don’t learn anything meaningful about the world or the characters like in the other witcher books.

another large flaw is that in the stories and saga, sapkowski was really good at creating likeable, enigmatic characters no matter how few pages he had to create them. they were deep and almost lifelike and also usually told a larger message. the NPCs- sorry, "characters" in season of storms are SUPER flat and uninteresting.

coral is h*rny for geralt and jealous of yennefer, like every sorceress ever to exist, pratt is a dick and corrupt, degerlund is corrupt and evil, mosaik is timid, the werewolf guy is JUST THERE, the auguara isn’t super interesting despite being cool, nimue feels flatter as a character than usual, even dandelion- okay actually jk i liked dandelion he was the sunny part of this book AS ALWAYS ... ofc he felt one-dimensional but he usually does so you know, EVEN GERALT feels a little one-dimensional and not his typical introspective self

one of the worst things sapkowski did was [SPOILERS] make the major villain character of the book gay and feminine... like its mentioned SO many times that "ohhhh this is a man that looks like a woman WOW HOW EVIL!" and he literally does the worst things like rip ppl to shreds and want to kill geralt painfully by torture with syringes, also he uses his sexuality to ?? seduce an older sorcerer to be his favorite so he can keep his job as a sorcerer?? 

and OK vilgefortz and bonhart arent complex villains. but theyre despicable and it feels a little deeper bc vilgefortz has that backstory and hunger for power, and bonhart is just terrifying and the embodiment of wretched evil, this guy from season of storms is just annoying and anime villainy like “OOHOHOH watch how i kill you now >:)” also theres a lot of crass humor like fart jokes and villains that are described as really super ugly like omg wow never saw that one coming!!! it just feels super bland and basic and almost like the antithesis of The Witcher as short stories and a saga, super out of place with the rest of the series. [END SPOILERS]

in my opinion, the BIGGEST FLAW with season of storms is that since the plot is so all over the place, and since the characters are so flimsy, the entire book feels meaningless. it feels like it would appease games or netflix fans who just want to read about geralt going on some crazy adventures, and it does serve that purpose, but it is NOT a “book belonging to the witcher series.” it has no depth where there should be... i do not feel like sapkowski is trying to tell me something as a reader about human nature, or the nature of parent-child relationships, or society, or violence and war... 

it just feels like geralt is doing all of this shit just because sapkowski had some remaining ideas and wanted to get all of them out into the world all in the same book, like sewing a vest out of fabric scraps. it was not refined like the witcher saga, because none of them were really meant to fit together anyways, and because they weren’t meant to fit together, there is a distinct lack of message and substance to it.

TLDR: no cohesive narrative and a confusing plot, no deeper underlying message or arguments about humanity or society or nature being made by the author, cheap new side & background characters, no ciri and no yennefer so geralt is quite directionless and stupid

other remarks that are just my personal preferences and comments:

geralt & dandelion:

geralt mostly works alone in this book... which is... not my favorite. this is why i got bored with tw3 after i read the witcher books, because i can’t stand geralt being alone, the world feels so... lonely! although he meets up with dandelion and has an affair with coral in season of storms, most of the book is him waffling about with side and background characters that i couldn’t care less about because sapkowski put no effort into developing them to be enigmatic or at least lifelike and likable (unlike some really minor characters in the witcher saga that, although they were so minor, were incredibly likable: for example, applegatt and toruviel i quite like). 

of course, i also have a preference for when geralt hangs out with dandelion, because it usually creates more of a lighter tone for the scenes and a more humorous nature overall, plus geralt changes his personality to be not in such a bad mood and we get to see him being kind and friendly. so it annoys me that although dandelion has some scenes with geralt, they never really have deep conversations like they do in a little sacrifice, or witty remarks & banter like in the edge of the world... i feel like dandelion was quite in-character for the whole book, which is good, but also, he’s dandelion so he’s pretty easy to get in character. he’s just easy-going, arrogant, preoccupied with earthly delights, cowardly, and friendly to geralt. but it annoyed me that their scenes together were both not very deep, and that they didn’t get as much interaction as i think they deserved. usually in a witcher book or story in which geralt and dandelion have met, they stay by each other’s side for like, the whole book or story, lmao... 

that being said, they do have some fun moments in this book and dandelion has some funny lines which i quite enjoy. like. they are eating at an inn, and the innkeeper asks them “how are you finding the pork?” and dandelion replies, “we’re finding it among the kasha. from time to time. not as often as we’d like to.” and somehow i just find that line so fucking funny... i think it’s just because it’s really relatable

sorcery:

coral is SOOOOO one-dimensional, she really is just like the same character as fringilla vigo or some other sorceress that’s jealous of yennefer for getting to bang geralt, and this lack of characterization is super transparent. people laugh about how many affairs geralt has had, but they never discuss how all of them have been super uneasy and unfulfilling.

already said that i hate degerlund as a character and all of the sorcerers being morally wack is predictable if you’ve read like, anything from the saga about the sorcerer/esses. also geralt talking with sorcerers is like, interesting if the sorcerer in question is vilgefortz, but everyone else is just super boring

other:

i didn’t really like ferrant de lettenhove until the very end of the book (which i won’t spoil) but because of this end, i wished that he got more backstory/development

NIMUE I LOVE YOU and it was nice that nimue got some more backstory in this.

i do enjoy the end of the book. not to say “my favorite part is when it ended,” but it’s true, because the ending in kerack is interesting and full of drama, the moments in the inn are alright if a little void of substance, the ending with geralt and dandelion on horseback is beautiful, and the epilogue with nimue is wistful and beautiful as well.

sheer pettiness:

oh my GOD why are the CHAPTERS so SHORT? it’s like, 20 chapters plus a bunch of interludes and an epilogue, and the book is only 357 pages long. it feels like as soon as i was getting into a scene, it switched to another chapter. i mean, idk whether i prefer this, or the haphhazard long as fuck chapters from baptism of fire where i’m not quite sure when a chapter begins or ends because i memorized the scenes and not when a chapter occurs. 

i dislike how coral is on the cover of it, even though it’s fitting, because if there was a work about... oh idk... the hansa... then angouleme could have been on the cover... and then i could have had geralt + yennefer + ciri + dandelion + the hansa on the covers... like wow that would be cool...

this book would have functioned much better as a series of short stories... i think sapkowski has talent for the short story medium, but novel-length books are more desirable by publishers, but this is literally just a guess, i don’t have anything to back this up

my recommendation: don’t buy it if you are just looking to read the witcher books as in, get a feel for the book canon world and characters. it’s pretty unnecessary for that. do buy it if you are a completionist like me / the witcher is something you’ve been into for years and you’re about to buy all the books as a set and it would feel weird to not have all eight books on your shelf and it’s only like $5 more to buy the set of 8 as compared to the set of 7. don’t read it and expect perfection, it’s basically like “drabbles” but canon from the author. there are like 2 or 3 nice gerlion moments if you care about that.

[sovinly]

Thoughts on icelandic sagas, norse myths, or a mythology tradition of your choice?

Oh man, here we go, thank you friend. This got super out of hand, so I only did the first two and I am so sorry this got so long.

So, Icelandic Sagas: a+ reading material and super fascinating historically! There are a bunch of categories that I won’t go into, but here’s the thing: the Icelandic sagas are simultaneously super interesting in that they’re vernacular literature (that is, Not Written in Latin, the language of the Learned Men of the Continent, which is unique and slightly more accessible to the people (though they still had to be dudes who could read, so that is very slightly but still Notable)) and yet many of them are also trying to appease the standards of continental thinking (Hello, Snorri’s desperate attempts to make native myths palatable to more Classical tastes and apparently the gods are just from Troy now). There’re lots of elements of oral poetry, especially in the earlier stuff, and it is academically VERY EXCITING. Especially because of what’s been preserved.

Also interesting is the amount of meta-commentary in some of the sagas, and not just in an adding-historical-details sense: there’s a vested interest in explaining the value, purpose, and relevance of the sagas and especially the sagas in the vernacular. BUT ALSO I am just really into the sheer breadth of material there is - fictionalized account of the settling of Iceland, recountings of myths, ALL THE CONTEMPORARY POLITICAL DRAMA, LEGAL DRAMAS, historical accounts, retellings of French and English romances! There’s a lot and it’s really neat. I have a master’s degree in the subject and could yell for hours, but will sum it up with: VERY FASCINATING FIELD, STORIES WORTH READING.

“But Sovin!” you say, “Where the fuck do I even start?”

Good question, friend, let me offer you some recs under the cut because everything is out of hand!

Völsunga saga: The saga of the Völsungs! One of my all-time favorites. The same story cycle as the Nibelungenleid, but infinitely preferable. It’s a fun mythic romp rife with heroism, disaster, impossible choices, and drama, including: The Worst Hero Test Ever, Poisons: Internal and External Applications, Dragon-Slaying and Cursed Items, Long Term Revenge Plots, Very Literal Interpretations of Blessings, and So Many Schemes Gone Horribly Wrong! Content warnings for incest, so many murdered kids, dead kid cannibalism, general murder, and some misogynistic BS. There’s an audiobook version for free, too!

Looking for something shorter? Try Hrafnkels saga Freysgoða, the tale of a real fuckin’ dick chieftain in the 10th century, featuring legal disputes + drama, revenge, indications of cultural changes, power struggles, a horse, and, of course, murder. Content warnings for murder and mutilation.

For a basic (but biased) intro to the Norse myths, give Snorri Sturluson’s Gylfaginning a try. It’s a rough introduction to the mythic cosmology in a knowledge contest frame story, with some bits of the Völuspá (the best-known of the Poetic Edda poems, a convoluted but fascinating read) for poetic flavor. Just don’t take Snorri too seriously, he has an agenda, after all. They’re myths, there’s some fucked up shit, but I think this evades anything too graphic.

There are many more sagas, of course, and I’ve left out some of the “key” (aka most popular) Icelandic sagas, mostly Brennu-Njáls saga (Burnt Njál’s saga), Egils saga Skallagrímssonar (Egil's Saga), and Grettis saga(Grettir's Saga), all of which deal with social issues in early Iceland, feuds, and dudes who just cannot fucking calm down and live within societal boundaries. They’re good, but very dense and not as reader friendly.

SO, MOVING ON, NORSE MYTHS:

Oh fucking man do I have many feelings on the subject. And the way they’re interpreted casually, yikes.

Which I kind of hate saying, because myths are supposed to be fun, and I am all for interpretations, but a lot of derived material just makes me sad.

A lot of what we have to base our understanding of Norse myth on is, well... Snorri. Snorri Sturluson, a 13th century Icelandic Commonwealth aristocrat. And there’s some really interesting stuff in the material we have, and not all of it from Snorri! But our understanding of pre-Christian Norse myth is very biased, late, and relatively spotty.

I love the myths, I really do, there’s some good fucking shit there! I wish I had a good compendium to recommend, because they’re a blast. It’s hard not to enjoy all the inventive, petty, witty myths: a lot of them involve trickery and riddles and People with Opinions. It’s really fun to sink your teeth into a story and wonder “oh shit! How is this gonna resolve?!” And, as with the rest of the Icelandic sagas above, some of the prose and literary devices will just blow you away, though translations can be a bit stilted. (Y’know what are great? Kennings. Kennings are great, and there’s an online database for them, which makes me happy.)

Uuuuuunfortunately, the myths’re very poorly understood and often miscontextualized. It’s like talking to a bunch of people who think Disney’s Hercules is a complete and accurate understanding of Greek myth. Yeah.

Like, I want people to have fun, fun is good! Marvel’s interpretation can stay the hell away from me, but it’s kind of its own thing, so I can just plug my ears and pretend it doesn’t exist. But, oof, there’s so little nuance to so many interpretations.

Myths are kind of... inherently political. The Vanir hostages (Njörðr, Freyr, and Freyja) may be earlier deities incorporated into the Æsir tradition as it developed, but they’re clearly marked as outsiders for a reason! They act like outsiders! (With the possible exception of Freyr, who’s the only one of the three to not survive Ragnarök, which, like, OH MAN AM I INTERESTED IN THIS, Y’ALL.) The jötnar (not giants in the way we’d think of them, actually) are also liminal outsider figures, which is why Loki and Skaði get such weird roles too. Myths are about liminality and about society: people get to be marked and unmarked for a reason.

If we recontextualize things, I think we need to do it intentionally. There’s a difference between recognizing and exploring why Loki and Freyja (and Freyr really should be here but I guess no one loves him?) resonate so much with queer people ((suck my dick, Respected Norse Folklore Scholar *double middle fingers*)) and projecting our social mores and restrictions onto myths without considering the implications. It’s so easy to be reductionist (Loki is a Disaster Gay/Trans Woobie and Freyja is a Delicate Helpless Flower Who Can’t Do Shit for Herself/Hot to Trot Warrior Badass who Eschews Girly Shit(?????)) and gloss over that.

Which is fine, I guess, people are having fun and it’s not like it’s hurting the pre-Christian Norse community. But then you’re pretty much playing with original characters and it’s okay to acknowledge that, instead of pretending it’s the Hottest New Take on the material. I’m not always a fan of the same displacements on Greek deities, but it feels a little different to me, given their cultural/mythic dominance and the way they’ve been used in Western society to manipulate and reinforce social norms to a greater degree? Also people generally seem to understand that there’s a... separation there from the core material that I often see missing from discussions of Norse myth.

I definitely am not going to rain on anyone’s parade, but it’s hard not to sit there looking directly into the camera when I see some of this shit.

Anyway, Norse myths are great and I think are full of fascinating suggestions as to a variety of social norms and structures, as well as the liminal and outlying cultural spaces that we can explore!

On a last note: Freyja and Oðinn are both psychopomps for the warrior dead. Oðinn’s hall is Vallhalla (Valhöll) and Freyja’s is Fólkvangr. Freyja gets first pick, motherfuckers, and I love her.

[tehstripe]

2. Dear _______, - Dave/Rose Newspaper Columnist AU

I finally finished the second fic for my challenge! The prompt was “newspaper advice columnists who passive-aggressively diss one another in their advice au,” found in this AU list. Also this thing is a small monster that I will probably cross-post to AO3 after... a bit of editing and coding.

(Also keep an eye out I have a second fic to post tonight.)

Dear Tentacled Therapist,

Recently, my boyfriend has been acting strangely. He keeps asking about my schedule and when I'll be home. At first I assumed he was just asking so that he could work on planning dates, but whenever I ask him about his schedule, he gets very cagey and won't tell me exactly what he's doing. If I ever demand what he is doing, he tells me he is hanging out with "friends."

Is he cheating on me, or am I just reading into things? I want to confront him, but I don't want to ruin the relationship over something silly...

Sincerely, Am I Just Paranoid?

Dear Mx. Paranoid?

There are one of three options here.

The first is, naturally, the most boring. He is cheating on you. His so-called "friends" are in fact a short-hand for his elicit lover.

For your sake, I hope this is not the case, though I am sure it would be gratifying to know that your suspicions were at least somewhat justified. I would recommend actually talking to some of his friends in order to confirm the story that he is telling you. Is he truly hanging out with them, or is he just using them as a convenient excuse to ditch you?

A few caveats. First, even if his friends back up his story, they may be lying. You can test this by asking a few of them what they were up to and seeing if their stories match. If possible, I would recommend talking to some of their significant others, who will more likely be sympathetic to your cause.

If you do not know enough of his friends in order to ask them what they were up to on June 6th at 11:00 PM, consider that you may not be deep enough into this relationship to be too concerned about ruining it. Cut your losses and run. Even if he is not cheating on you, I cannot think of much good that will come from having a boyfriend who, early in the relationship, demands to know where you will be without properly reciprocating.

Naturally, if you do discover that your man is cheating on him, there is only one possible solution. You must sacrifice his body to Zathog the Great Old One. If he is pleased with your sacrifice, then he may grant you the ability to travel through both time and space, which is undeniably a much better thing to be in possession of than a cheating boyfriend.

Ah! But we must not overlook the other possibilities. You may also be in a situation pulled straight from a "Romantic Comedy," as the lay people refer to them, where you are led to believe your beau is cheating on you, when in truth, he is attempting to set up a beautiful surprise for you that only shows how much he loves you. Perhaps there is even a big diamond ring in your future?

Ah, but Miss Therapist, you may proclaim. However will I know whether or not I have found myself within the confines of a "Romantic Comedy"? The answer is simple. Look around you, at the people you surround yourself with. Do you have a gay best friend who gladly accepts the lofty title of "sassy"? Do you have a well-meaning girl friend (who you, mistakenly, call a "girlfriend" despite the fact that the two of you are straight) who is hapless, cute (but not as cute as you), and pursuing her own relationship off to the periphery of your existence? Are there any older women in your life who give you expressions that imply they have seen it all?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, then congratulations! You are most likely a fictional character within a film that will be affectionately dubbed a "Chick Flick." On the bright side, you are undoubtedly being played by an attractive celebrity, so that is one important consolation prize to the unfortunate fact that you are not actually real.

You can also check this with his friends, of course.

The final, and frankly, most likely option is that he is planning his own ritualistic sacrifice to Zathog. He is most likely planning to sacrifice you. Get the jump on him. Forgo love and earthly attachments and become the space-and-time travelling god you were always destined to be.

I hope this helps.

Sincerely, The Tentacled Therapist

Dear DJ Strider,

I'm trying to think of what I should get my girlfriend for our two-year anniversary. She's honestly the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I want to make it special for her. Any ideas?

-- Two Years of Devotion

dear 2y devotion

okay my dude my buddy my pal

listen to this thing that you are asking me. really listen to it. take the page you are reading right now and hold it up to your ear all gentle like and let it whisper into your ear.

"i want to do something special" cool thats great thats a general thing that everybody who is not a douche wants to do for their significant other but think about this for a sec.

you went to an advice column for this shit. and dont get me wrong my advice column is unequivocally the best advice column cause unlike some columnists im not gonna suggest you throw your girlfriend to sh'blugh the tentacle horror from beyond the veil but

you gave me nothing to go on man

how do i make that special

like give me some details to go off of

you love this girl right tell me something about her

or i guess since its too late to tell me about her because this is a delayed conversation that gets publicly written and published in a magazine think about the kind of shit that she likes

like you probably already know the kind of shit that she likes if youre really as into her as you say

does your girl like flowers? get her some flowers does your girl like horses? get her a horse does your girl like sports? get her a sport

and like that goes for activities too if youve decided to date an adrenaline junkie take her to an amusement park or go skydiving or something

or even just crack open a bottle of fancy wine or whatever

shit is special if you make it special dude and if i tell you exactly what to do that ruins the whole idea of it being special

anyway good luck hope you dont bomb it

-- dj strider

Dear Tentacled Therapist,

I'm a mother of a beautiful girl who is currently in the second grade. She constantly comes home complaining of a boy bothering her in class. I have gone to her teacher to try and figure out what we can do to make her feel more comfortable at school, but the teacher simply said that the boy probably had a crush and told me that this was a normal peer interaction among children their age.

While I understand that many children do not know how to properly express their emotions or their feelings, I can't help but feel suspicious of this determination. My daughter has said that this boy has pulled her hair and pushed her down on the playground. I don't care what the teacher says - that is NOT the behavior of somebody with a crush.

Sincerely, Concerned Mother

Dear Miss Concerned,

You have every right to be concerned. However, the teacher is right. That boy almost certainly does have a crush.

You see, Miss Concerned, in all my years of giving advice and viewing the world from my lofty place above it, I have come to the conclusion that a man in love becomes the stupidist and most brute-ish thing imaginable. This starts from a very young age, and though the man may be able to temper his natural instincts upon growing older and even produce the occasional bouquet of flowers, this is natural. Why, even at my decidedly unspecified age, I sometimes encounter men who show their undying affection for me by "vagueing" me, as I understand is the modern parlance, in their own personal advice columns.

(By the by, Mr. Strider, everybody knows that my column has more regular readers than yours does.)

That said, this behavior is unacceptable. Were this a fully grown man, of course, I would say that you should toss him to the Old One of your choice as an offering of appeasement for not destroying our planet eons ago, but this is still just a second grade boy. Foolish and brutish as he may be, I will never condone child sacrifice. Instead, focus on the teacher.

Tell her that you don't care if this boy has a crush - it is unacceptable that your daughter is being made to feel unsafe and unhappy in a place of learning, which should be open to her. Children do not learn or grow well in environments they are uncomfortable in. If this boy is making her uncomfortable then, whatever his reasons for doing that may be, he needs to be talked to and he needs to be stopped. That is the long and short of it. If the teacher seems unwilling to help, take it to the principal. If the principal is equally reluctant, then pitch a fit and give some of your fellow parents a reason to outrage. Make the local news. Cause a national movement for little boys to stop pulling little girl's hair in an attempt to flirt. Eventually, the teacher will have to give in. Or at the very least, pressure from social media will get her fired for showing such painful neglect at her job.

Once that happens, naturally, you may sacrifice her to the Old One of your choosing.

I hope that these words bring you comfort and wisdom. You sound like you are a good and caring mother.

-- The Tentacled Therapist

Dear DJ Strider,

I have a crush on a guy, but I don't know how to get his attention. What can I do to get him to notice me?

-- Crushing in California

dear crushinator

well first off let me tell you what NOT to do

the thing that you definitely dont do is call this guy out for vagueing you on your very public advice column especially if youre going to pretend that youre a cool dark mistress of the night who ritually sacrifices people to the tentacled gods of your nightmares i mean okay i guess i should specify that you will definitely get noticed but not in the way that you want despite that saying there is such a thing as bad attention especially when youre attempting to woo a guy

anyways i guess it really depends on the kind of guy youre looking at what do you know about this dude is he into video games?? go take a picture of yourself with a controller in your mouth and accidentally send it to him then hell know for sure that youre a gamer gurl and hell ask to play some fresh games with you and then you have an in (make sure youre actually okay at video games though maybe)

is he into sports??? go dress yourself as a ball

or wear a jersey with his favorite team on it or something

just get a conversation started honestly or if youre already in the conversation zone you can start dropping mad innuendos left and right maybe put on some nice clothes or bat your eyelashes a bit you know just do something special

and again dont call him out on "vagueing" you or hell just continue to talk smack about you to his huge avid fanbase and then youll just be sad and embarrassed

hope that helps

-- dj strider

Dear Tentacled Therapist,

I'm a high school student and there's a few people who keep bothering me on social media. They aren't bullying me or anything, but they keep mentioning me in posts and responding to all of my statuses. It's getting kind of annoying. What should I do?

Sincerely, I just want some peace and quiet on my FB Feed!

Dear FB Feeder,

Truly, now you understand the trials and tribulations that I myself face on a near daily basis. I do not know you or your body of work, but clearly within the realm of your school, you must be somewhat famous.

Now, I do not know the gender or sexual orientation of these bothering people you mention, but I would hazard a guess that at least one or two of them are interested in pursuing you romantically, but due to having the emotional maturity of a teenager, they do not know how to pursue you in a way that is not hugely annoying.

I am sure you would like to hear that this behavior will naturally fade over time as said teenagers grow and mature into proper young adults, but I am saddened to inform you that often this is not the case. Why, one can even become a semi-professional advice columnist and yet still resort to calling out their crushes in a public space. Therefore, you will need to take some actions in order to ease your own annoyance at the situation.

The easiest option would, of course, be to block them, but I do not claim to be an expert on the delicate social balance of your high school. Perhaps blocking these individuals would be a social faux pas from which you could never recover. In that case, many websites (and I suspect this mysterious "FB" is among them) have a way to block people from showing up on your feed. This may not solve the problem, but may fix some of the annoyance.

You could also try talking to them. Tell them that their constant attention is annoying and unflattering. If they are trying to impress you, then they will back off. If they are trying to get to you, then they are bullying you, and you can report them to the adult of your choice.

Naturally there is always the option of throwing them to the Beasts Below, who quite enjoy annoying human souls.

I hope this helps.

-- The Tentacled Therapist

Dear Disc Jockey Strider,

I have a quandary. You see, there is a particular rival of me who seems to, as of late, decided to take it upon himself to mention me in nearly every single public answer he grants to his purported legion of devoted fans. I am beginning to think that perhaps there is something more to his constant mentions of me. Is this a cry for help? Could it be that the adviser, in this case, should become the advisee?

Sincerely, An Anonymous, but Concerned, Reader

dear anonymous tentacle therapist,

yeah haha nice try

--- dj strider

dear tentacle mistress of the night,

hey so i have this problem and that problem is primarily the fact that theres this creepy advice columnist whos constantly up in my grill and i think shes gotta be in love with me

i mean i also have a problem in that im just drowning in so many fans that i cant barely see straight but thats one hundred percent beside the point

whats my plan of action here do i let her down gently or what

sincerely, a super cool dude with a better advice column than this

Dear Your Advice Column Is Not Better,

It certainly sounds like you have quite the conundrum but I must wonder. Is it her that is in love with you? Or might you be projecting somewhat? After all, it seems to me that you might have been the one who started it. If her responses, as you claim, indicate that she is clearly in love with you, then I am afraid that by your same logic you must simply be head over heels.

In that case, I would not recommend letting her down gently. Not because of her feelings - oh no. I doubt that she has feelings one way or the other about whether or not you actually get the guts to ask her out. No, I would highly recommend that you not let her down gently because, based on what I have inferred from you in this very anonymous and mysterious question, I worry for the implications on your psyche should you make the decision to try and turn this girl down before you have ever confessed your feelings.

No, my professional recommendation is that you suck it up and you go to her and you ask her out. She will likely turn you down, of course. I understand that she has high standards. But if you continue to keep your feelings pent up, it will only hurt you and those around you. Besides, if you do not give it a shot, then you will never know what could come from it. You never know. You might just be surprised by what she says, if you go about it the right way.

Also, I do know for a fact that you have her number.

Your move, Strider.

-- The Tentacled Therapist

Dear DJ Strider,

I was wondering, what's your advice for what to do on a first date? I just met this really pretty girl and we've been flirting a lot, and she agreed to go out with me. But now I have to actually think of a good date idea! What should I do?

Also, since it is a first date, I don't know THAT much about her, since I know that's usually what you tell people who come to you for relationship advice. I mean, that's what the first date is for, right?

Sincerely, Nervous First Timer

dear nervous,

okay yeah for once you got a situation in which im not gonna come over and sit your ass down about actually knowing your girlfriends interests because hey news flash shes not your girlfriend

yet

dont worry my man i will come up with a plan to fully woo this girl and you will then have a girlfriend and then maybe even a wife

just send me a wedding invite okay

actually this goes for everyone if i ever land you a wife or a husband or a gender non specific spouse send me a fuckin wedding invite i probably wont go but i might and i give you permission to advertise to all of your friends and family that you might have a minor local celebrity attending your big special day

but yeah first dates

first off you probably want to do something with a specific end time or else youre gonna end up trapped in a moment of like is it time to end this? do i wanna be the one who has to say i have to go? if nothing else give yourself an excuse to leave at a specific time like you gotta meet a friend or catch a bus

the other thing is that you gotta make sure you leave time to actually you know. talk.

i know seeing a movie seems really tempting and yeah movie dates can be fun but consider what youre actually doing on that date

youre staring at a screen while sitting next to somebody who is a borderline stranger and maybe enjoying a baller flick but are you really advancing that relationship at all?

nah

so yeah generally something like a lunch or a dinner can be pretty good but it can be tricky and awkward if you dont know what youre gonna talk about like what if you start talking and realize you got nothing in common that you actually care about

so thats either good for a second date or if youre like an awesome conversationalist who is always confident that youre able to keep a conversation going no matter who youre talking to

so its usually a good idea to do something thats a little more focused

if you do know anything about her then you can bring her to an event you know she might like

maybe a museum or something? aquarium? zoo? i guess a sport game could work but as i understand it there are drones that come around and demand that you kiss for the crowd so maybe thats not the best idea

anyways just make sure its something for you guys to talk about other than your own awkward burgeoning romance

anyways in the end the important thing is just be yourself dude

i can say from recent personal experience that being yourself works wonders and if it doesnt work wonders then that probably means that the relationship wasnt gonna work well anyways

just make sure you dont dump all your biggest darkest secrets on the first date though or else you dont give your nosy date anything to come back for the next time

but actually that maybe only works if your date is trying to pretend she is a therapist

anyways good luck dude hopefully that gave you some good ideas

-- dj strider

Dear Tentacled Therapist,

I'm in a kind of new relationship and it is going great! This guy is great and I could really see it going places. We've been going steady for about a month and a half now, but he's seemed really hesitant about telling other people about us. He won't list himself as being in a relationship on social media, and though some of our mutual friends obviously know, I don't know how vocal he's been about it with the other people in his life.

Now, we are gay, but he's also really openly gay to everybody that he knows, so I don't think that's a big part of it. Everybody knows he likes guys, so the fact that he's dating me shouldn't be that big of a deal. So what's going on? Does he just really value his privacy or is he planning to dump me soon? What signs should I be looking out for. (I need to know when it is appropriate to plan my tentacled sacrifice after all. :P)

Sincerely, Are We Dating Or What?

Dear Schrodinger's Boyfriend,

I'm afraid that going public with a relationship is always a tricky thing, regardless of whether or not the status of your sexuality is broadcast to the entire world. There are many, many reasons that your boyfriend may not want to go public with you. I will, of course, get the obvious out of the way. He may be possessed by one of the Old Ones, in which case, they are notoriously shy about their relationships. They have lived for millenia, so they feel no reason to rush through things. Be patient with them, and it will pay off in a major way.

Now, there is the (admittedly slim) chance that your beau is but a normal human man, with all of the normal lovable foibles of human men. If this is the case, I can see a few options.

The first is the one that I think you are the most scared of - he's Just Not That Into You. Either he is cheating on you (or perhaps you are the one he is cheating with?) or he has plans to end the relationship soon. I cannot predict which of these it is, but if you have mutual friends who know, it may not be a bad idea to ask one of them for their input on the situation. Naturally, if either of these is the case, offer his body up for possession by an Old One. You will have the same problem, but rest assured that the Old One will be faithful and loyal to you up until the point it decides to use your flesh organs as part of an important summoning ritual.

The second option is simply that he is shy or cautious. Maybe, despite being openly gay, he is still somewhat embarrassed by a relationship. Perhaps he has relatives who would harass you if they knew who you were.

Or perhaps he has been burned by rushing into a public relationship in the past.

Perhaps he was, once upon a time, with another boy who he went public with too soon. Perhaps the pressure of the relationship made him feel like he had to perform that relationship to an extent that felt unnatural to him. Perhaps he didn't like how it felt, having something so new, personal, and delicate being handed out to the world at large.

I don't know the type of people who might like to look at your boyfriend's life, but it is also entirely possible that he would not want them to know of any relationship of his, simply because they will find a way to butt their noses in and ruin it. An overbearing mother, perhaps? Nosy friends? A needy ex, who will proceed to harass you as soon as your name is out there as being his "Facebook Official" beau.

Needless to say, there are many reasons that he could want to refrain from making your relationship public that actually have very little to do with your relationship. In fact, it could even be a sign that he values your relationship. He values what you have so much that he doesn't want to share what you have with the rest of the world and thus risk losing it.

Though, of course, he could be cheating. It is possible that I am injecting some of my own thought processes too heavily into this answer. I do not truly know your boyfriend, so I cannot say for sure what his thoughts are. The best thing I can really advise you do is... ask.

Good luck.

-- The Tentacled Therapist

Dear DJ Strider,

I think that two of my friends have hooked up, but I'm not sure. They used to be really annoying to each other, and our other friends and I always joked that they were flirting, but I at least never actually meant it. But now they don't bother each other as much and they're just kind of... calm together. And there are a lot of times that the two of them are pretty obviously missing from group get togethers.

So... were they actually flirting?? Are they dating now?? What if they break up? That will just make them even more annoying!

Sincerely, Kind of Grossed Out

dear kind of

yeah your friends are definitely banging now and yeah they probably were always actually flirting but they might not have been aware of it

see sometimes if you are an asshole you dont know how to express affection apart from acting like an extra asshole to the people that you like and usually this is a self correcting feature since like youll drive away all of the people you like so they dont have to put your extra asshole-ness the real kicker comes when you end up crushing on somebody who can actually match your punches and act like an equally big asshole in return

its a very delicate dance honestly and you should just be glad that you got to view it in its natural habitat if only youd caught it on camera you could have sold that shit to discovery channel and got richard attenborough to dub over it with his cool nature documentary voice and here we see the assholes in their elaborate mating ritual though it may look like a fight to outsiders they are actually both getting really turned on by it and are gonna fuck vigorously in a month or two

anyways yeah its gonna suck if they break up but honestly what break up doesnt suck

i dont think the way that the flirting process happens really dictates how much a break up process is going to suck and from personal experience probably theyd be less annoying broken up than theyd be together since theyd just avoid each other which is a whole other kinda stress but yeah

i guess what im trying to say is yes your friends are definitely boning down embrace it and congratulate them or something also make sure that none of them are in charge of any advice columns

-- dj strider

Dear Tentacled Therapist,

Hello, I Am A Long Time Reader, First Time Writer

I Was Simply Wondering How One Would Hypothetically Go About Wooing An Advice Columnist That They Thought Was Very Clever And Humorous

This Is A Hypothetical Scenario Of Course I Was Just Wondering

Sincerely, A Fan

Dear Cooling Unit,

Honestly, I stared at this letter for quite a while, wondering how to answer it. I would have guessed that this was written by DJ Strider, in fact, if I didn't know for a fact that he would never put enough effort into writing something to press the shift button that often.

Regardless, I am sure that now is about the point where I am supposed to tell you how to woo me. This is where you expect me to say that the worst way to woo me is to slyly reference me in your public column for the whole world to see. Honestly, that is a technique that I would not have expected to work on paper, but it must have its merits.

At any rate, I suspect that technique would not work on most advice columnists, so I suppose I will simply continue under the assumption that this is the Very General And Hypothetical Advice that you assured me you were asking for.

My simple advice is thus: treat wooing them like you would any other person. If you do not know them in real life or do not have an easy way to contact them other than through their advice column, then pursuing a relationship is inadvisable. They will treat you as yet another fan, and I can say from personal experience that I am not terribly interested in dating fans.

"Fans," you see, tend to put you up on a pedestal. They take a look at you and think that you have hung the moon, which means that the only way for their opinion of you to go is down. Having a healthy, normal outlook on your strengths and weaknesses as a partner is down-grading their image of you, which means that no matter what, you will become a disappointment to them. The moment you mess up in front of somebody who idolizes you, it will feel like a betrayal to them, because you don't match the perfect image they have built in their head.

No, I would be far more interested in pursuing somebody who is my equal, through and through, and I suspect the same is true of most other hypothetical advice columnists. If you do find one who is excited by the fact you are a fan, they are undoubtedly an egotistical narcissist who wants to hear about how they hung the moon. While I do not deny that hearing of my moon-hanging exploits is quite the enjoyable experience for me, it is not a solid foundation for a relationship. If you find such a columnist who wants to build a relationship on that, might I recommend putting a sample of their blood into a summoning circle to bring about a personal curse on their house and home?

At any rate, any advice that is seeking out this particular advice columnist's interest will, sadly, be too little too late. Against all odds, I happen to be taken with somebody else.

-- The Tentacled Therapist

Dear DJ Strider,

I kind of pissed my girlfriend off. How do I get back on her good side?

Sincerely, In the Dog House

dear i hope thats not a petplay reference holy shit,

okay see this is why people need to provide me more details about their problems like look at me i write long and heartfelt messages to all of you

like i really inject my soul into these answers make sure theyre multi paragraph endeavors and what do you give me?

"oh yeah my girlfriends pissed" like what do you want me to do with that theres so many factors at play here about how to get back on her good side or even if such a feat is possible cause trust me there are ways to get on a bad side permanently and for all i know you have done something worthy of the permanent bad side

like did you fucking go out and cheat on her?? if so then go ahead and dump yourself she doesnt deserve to put up with you

if you just like forgot to wash the dishes that one time or something???? yeah thats probably an offense you can recover from and im hoping that youre talking about something like that over the cheating because i am not a pro cheating advice column ill have you know

im a respectable advice column with family values and also a decent and healthy amount of respect for all romantic partners

anyways if you did something like forget an anniversary then that depends entirely on the girl and how long youve been together and how badly you forgot it

if it is a make up-able offense though what you do to get on her good side is......... also dependent on some awesome details that you didnt fucking give me

like my dude did you put effort into this question at all

did you just decide to mass produce this so that you could send it to multiple advice bogs? actually im gonna ask around and see if anybody else i know got it

anyways its a shit question put more effort in next time

some general shit you can do is obviously like buy her something that she likes take her on a special date to a place that she likes or try and do the thing you screwed up the first time but dont screw it up this time

but mostly just apologize

though i kinda hope you did that already because if you didnt even think to toss a lil im sorry in between the time you sent this and the time it took me to process it and actually respond then im sorry you might be beyond help

oh yeah that said one way to get on a girlfriends good side is to be a super famous advice columnist because then whatever you write will be public and apparently your girlfriend could be into public apologies like i dont know you didnt give me enough to work with

but i guess this is to say uh

sorry for joking about the thing you were right youre always right everybody should go to the best advice column ever the tentacled therapist for all of your best advice needs

(that was not a paid advertisement btw but i cant say that it was done entirely by choice)

((but no really im joshing you dont tell tt but her advice is actually pretty sound. even some of the ritual sacrifice stuff is kinda reasonable when you think about it. she usually only recommends it to assholes that deserve it its not just a blanket ritual since thatd have no meaning))

anyways good luck i guess?

like good luck if you arent a douchebag and i guess if you ARE a douchebag then good luck to your girlfriend i hope she dumps you and goes on to clearer waters

Dear Tentacled Therapist,

I'm thinking of proposing soon. What are your thoughts on a public proposal? On the one hand, it's kind of romantic getting to share a special moment with a lot of other people... but on the other hand, it does kind of trap the other person into saying yes because they don't want to seem like a jerk in front of a lot of other people. What do you think is the way to go with this one?

Sincerely, Nervous Proposer

Dear Nervous Proposition,

Whether or not a public proposal is a good idea depends entirely on the person that you are proposing to.

By this point, I would hope that you had some sort of idea about what the person you are proposing to might like as far as public proposals. Are they easily embarrassed by attention, or do they soak it up like they are plants who desperately need all available sunlight for photosynthesis? How keen are they on things such as surprise birthday parties? Have you ever thrown them a surprise birthday party? Perhaps, before considering marriage, you should throw them a surprise birthday party. You cannot truly know a person until you have seen their reaction to such a fiasco.

I would also recommend that the two of you have discussed the topic of marriage before you even consider popping the question to your prospective fiance. I wouldn't propose until the two of you consider yourselves to be - and I apologize for my use of this cliché - "engaged to be engaged." Make sure that your partner is planning on the prospect of a marriage with you.

You might even consider doing two proposals - one more subdued, in private, just to make sure that they say yes. Then you can propose that you have a big surprise that the two of you get to share with everybody else, and you get to propose a second time without any of the stress.

Now, personally, public proposals are not my style, and anybody dating me would know better than to do such a proposal. But.

That is assuming that they can beat me to the punch. ;)

I wish you luck in your endeavors, and I am sorry there was no good place for sacrifices to the Old Ones in this week's column.

Sincerely, The Tentacled Therapist

Dear DJ Strider,

Who should I pick to be my Maid of Honor? I have two really good friends. One I am closer to, and I know she'll probably pick me to be her maid of honor... but the other one is a LOT better at planning shit out. I know that if I pick her, my wedding will be run like a well-oiled machine, but I also don't want to upset my other friend. Then again, the friend who's good at planning might be offended that I chose the closer friend, and be frustrated when she has to deal with her bad planning as a bridesmaid.

So... who do I pick? It feels like I lose no matter what.

Sincerely, Fretting Fiance

dear ff

yo i fucking hear you on this shit weddings are the most stressful thing that has ever been invented by man

i mean man in the generic sense btw not the male human sense though i guess it might have also been made by a male human? idk i should ask about the history of weddings later maybe

anyways its all politics dont let anybody tell you any different

like you gotta be oh so careful with your seating placements at the reception or ol grandma berthas gonna tear the eyes out of uncle jimmy and we cant risk getting that blood all over the table cloths or else were gonna have to pay a really big fee to the table cloth company we hired and were already gonna be broke because of the honeymoon

and yeah we gotta make sure that shellys the bridesmaid second from the left because otherwise shell block out kelly in all the wedding pictures and kelly will pitch a fit

anyways i guess the easiest thing to do is going to just be to talk to them

you could always offer to split the honor between the two of them too if your planny friend is as good as planning as you say i bet you can come up with a good way to work 2 maids of honor into the ceremony

also uh i guess this is a good a time as any to make a lil announcement guys

so after april rolls around im not gonna be dj strider anymore

better get ready to start making your pleas for help out to dj lalonde

-- the artist formerly known as dj strider

[r-29-blog]

A short gait

It’s Friday afternoon. My eyes gleam in the summer sunlight. It shakes me, tearing off my shirt

  Graceful gaits gaily walk down the crooked road; a gait of laughter strolls down the crooked road. As my sight remains fixed in the distance, I see the vibrant lights emanating from the insides of manufactured bliss. It shines so brightly through its transparent, glass windows. I see it gleaming in the distance as it slaps me in the face with its own incantation of laughter. It roars and howls to the tune of blues and microhouse, a hyper-minimalistic amalgamation of oppression and monotony. There, among the breeze, it subtly interlocks its fragile pale hands onto the spiked gloves of my head. Strings in the background begin to take place. I let the movement flow through my ears, upwards and toward the stimuli ridding itself of studs and dust.

           In the far distance, no longer than a short half-minute strut, I see the transparent barrier barring me from my destination. I make two strides closer and realize that it does not do anything but remain in front of myself. I make another two steps—this time without losing that lost third. Here, and among myself, I see the steps I once lost, remembering the instances in which my hair, with its rocks and steps flowing in the sky, eating its own carcasses and smiling along the way, grew. A dazzling three rattlesnakes long, with its slimy tips and steering-wheel eyes, the tips of my wavy mahogany locks reach upward my nipple. It is so soft and yet so malice with its gentle presence perfectly concurrent with the breast it lay upon. Shrieking, noting the moments that pass—one, two…two….two—, and realizing the ineptitude that surrounds me, I begin to think.

           To my left, resembling a monstrous white devil, a body continues its mechanical struts, dressed in mismatched colors, patterns clashing, the large sign of their logo shirt nearly repulses me more than the giant word that fills their chest. It shines brighter than the entire shirt, where eventually no shirt could actually be seen. Instantly, the shirt disappeared, leaving behind only the luminous language with its accented serif finishes carefully embracing the empty presence it harbors along with a calloused thumb attempting to subdue its naked kin. I chuckled to myself, realizing that the image that I had just described was nothing more than a pure hoax, a trick to play on you—my dear reader—an empty gasp that shrieks in your ears and erupts into laughter brief moments following your death. I dance on your grave for you are dead! Good day, good bye, no longer am I compelled to appease your pathetic existence. No longer do I have to live and hope that your wretched mouth gasps for its final breaths, “Help! Please do not do this to me. I have done nothing wrong. My son…He is no longer with me and I cannot do anything but make sure that he has his lunch in the morning. Kind stranger, would you not be so helpful as to give my son and her crimson red suitcase a ride to the airport. She is going home tomorrow afternoon, but he will lack the time that is absolutely needed for orientating themselves in the sky.” At last, with this final breath—one, that I may add, can only take more than a few seconds— you scream: Mon-SURE Koo-rtz, il VEE-re.

           I momentarily stopped. Before the end of this sentence the person will have continued walking forward, gaily strutting while whistling the tune of Kant’s third critique, and, at last, cross me so that I may continue toward my destination. There it is, the light that comes from the distance and crosses my sight and figures itself around the chilling days and the chilling nights. I hear a knife cutting cheese and garlic, the smoky scent of lemon chicken sautéing on a small portable stove—and let me tell you, I purchased this contraption for only sixty dollars on amazon.com. It’s refurbished, but who isn’t these days?

           Tangents seem to keep bringing me away from the actual point that I am attempting to make. However, now that I am done thinking, I will no longer be incoherent. My eyes will look forward, sternly march toward the distant fluorescent light, and ensure that we traverse the short space marking the threshold between my body and the concrete monolith. There—there—here—air—I wait. I see a light blinking. It is a red hand ordering me: HALT. It stares at me and continues blinking. I stare at it back realizing that the abyss that surrounds it is covered by “SKATE OR DIE” stickers. I scoff. Only then do I realize that it is I who stares back at the individual staring at the abyss. I have become the abyss and the nuisance it has caused various street-dwellers. The sanguine hate…halt symbol has stopped blinking. I stare and now a slim white palm faces me. I remember the instances of friends who carried bags with an open palm, its finger closely attached to one another, bearing a single dark eye in its center. It stared at me and I remembered a time even further behind, a time in which was not quite new to me as it happened in a time quite distant from here. Although, at this point, I am quite unsure as to exact direction this distance occupied. Was it left? Or up? Or possibly to the side? I could no longer tell.

           The large axe oscillates until a large cannon falls from the sky, its rigid dance with gravity, shooting as its descent further descends toward the dirty dirt that I stand upon. At last, the demons to my left, with their monumental size and inept control seem, and it is only this choice of words, to finally come to a complete stop. Allowed to continue, I cross the scorching hot earth and I feel the blazing red sun stab me with its pricked fingers, unshaven for no less than thirty-three days. Here, at last, I could finally see the very light that separated me and the object of my desire. I saw it. It looked at me. I saw the light that came between us. I moved forward, passing the signs that suggested that all of its interior organs—and do not forget its esophagus—were made in the U.S.A.

           Fuck the skies that turn bright as I valiantly march past the concrete painted lines under my feet. They walk further and faster and see how the other timid feet around me do nothing but gawk. They are squeamishly walking while thinking about jolly mundanity. They stand there, walking without motion and without thought. How is it that they can do so much, and manage to remain all the same, without thinking and wanting what it is that they are? The gleaming lights still emanate from the transparent glass. It is a window into my soul. My father used to tell me that eyes were the window into another’s soul. Too bad I did not have a father; he was castrated the moment I was born. I castrated him.

It was a glorious event. I remember distinctly seeing his face full of anguish followed by his butterfly screams. He pleaded for assistance, asking me to help him and to eradicate the pain. I stood there with his freshly cut testicles in my left hand and, in my right, I held the dull machete that I slit his balls with. Its sharp edges, now covered with a glorious halting glow, were no longer visible. He continued crying and begging for mercy. I continued standing there. I looked into his eyes and tried to find his soul. Alas, all I saw were the empty signs saying that he, too, was made in the U.S.A.

           After this sudden and quite anticlimactic realization I looked down at his bleeding groin, a gateway back into the same myth I was destined to fulfill. This thought enraged me. I did the only thing I could do at that point. I approached him. I embraced him and thanked him for all of the help he had hitherto provided me. He was always there, a positive paternal figure ensuring that I continued to abide by rigorous masculine standards, ensuring that his image would be reproduced so that I could carry on this inept last name. The shark teeth, now visible and still doused in an ornamental crimson, called me to do it. I sat there thinking of the conversations I would have with my interiority, only to realize that it would do nothing but fuel the additional anger I felt. So I lifted up my machete and with one small swipe I severed my father’s head. And the moment that my little tiny butter knife managed to separate a tablespoon of butter, his head began falling down toward the cement-colored floor.

           This severed head—although I cannot think that a head would retain its figure if it is no longer membered—rolled across the ossified gum and bits of crumbs. Eventually it managed to reach the pigeon a few miles to my right. With another short swoop, I picked up his head and stared into its now white eyes. Once again I tried to see if I could see his soul. I looked in, and after a few seconds, in its periphery, I saw it glow. I began panicking, regretting these actions and not wanting them to have occurred. I was on the verge of tears since I realized that I had fulfilled this carnal, oedipal destiny. I was troubled by the emptiness that filled me and the means by which I had killed the only one who was willing to push me forward into normalcy.

           My eyes blinked. I continue past the transparent windows, seeing the boxes bearing logos and homes. This place was going out of business, a fate suffered by so many others. Alas, what was I to do? I continued my gay gait down the feces-covered path, whistling the tunes of Tina Turner and Miles Davis, two prominent myths. I look down and my father’s head now in my right hand, with each of his testicles now in his eyes. My father always had piss-poor vision. His mouth suddenly opened. He began speaking to me: my child, you have forsaken me; you have disturbed order; you will no longer survive; you will no longer exist; Just remember this day; you will never bear the same pain as I do today. It is not in vain for I enjoy you as you enjoy cloudy skies. Following this bizarre sight and after the lips no longer gave words, I chuckled. Suddenly the chuckle grew, growing at an exponential rate, and it became a roar in less than three seconds. I raised the head, still in my left hand, up to my perfectly membered body, locked eyes with this Acephale-like head, and looked once more for the soul. After an hour, I looked for that small luminosity I once encountered, only to be immensely disappointed. I should mention that I did not stop laughing, or rather roaring this entire time. His lips began to move once more, but they did not create a sound. So I spoke for him: you are not my father, you never were. We lied to you and now your home is destroyed. So be free and become one with the earth, no longer needing to trouble me with your inane quotes. I threw his head back into the sea that I crossed, and rapid sharks shortly came, devouring this putrid skull.

           After this vexatious debacle, the headless body finally arose, professed its immense gratitude, and then proceeded to join me for a stroll.

             The chilling evening air whispered in my ears while the radiating lights, much like lighthouses, flashed in front of my face as I walked past storefronts and shoes. The eyes that stare and see me here only say hello to each other. They laugh. They gawk. They eat their processed meats and beans in-between diced spices folded together in a grand concoction of grand doctrine of American consumerism. How tragic that they pay so much for what, three hundred miles south, consider to be peasant food. Truly, when the wall arises, where will they be able to find a meal without spice? Oh well. I keep walking past the various storefront windows. On my left, there’s a restaurant that sells Mexican food. It’s a chain restaurant that is often considered to be healthy despite its past dealings with the largest and unhealthiest food conglomerate in the fast-food industry. “But you really have to love it,” I hear a voice say. I chuckle to myself realizing the irony in their statement. It is unite interesting knowing that others themselves can willingly transform an object and do so in such a short period of time. Yet, why should this even matter? Time is such an important thing for us, and yet we cannot seem to ever do without it. We are not slaves to capitalism! No we are slaves to time! Although who could ever tell the difference?

           While I kept walking forward, right in the middle of two different street corners, I begin to notice the vacancies. There were three glasses bearing ‘For Lease’ signs. I walked as I saw my reflection follow me as I traversed the road. It followed me and kept me company, for I was quite the recluse. I sat there looking inward, not just into the paper-covered windows, but also into my own mind. There, I saw the glass-windows lined with brown paper with three separate signs evenly separated from one another. They all bore the same message: FOR SALE. What did it mean? What was this sign trying to convey to me? Was it selling itself? How could it? It could not simply stand upright, shake my hand and say “DEAR FRIEND, how lovely you look, how amazing the wind blows alongside my hair. How I wish to sell myself to, allowing you to do all as you please to.” Immediately after, the building turns around, and begins running toward the snow-covered hills. As they move closer to the cliff’s apex, he suddenly stops and yells back “FOR SALE.”

           I walk past this first sign and I notice the second sign, a twin to the former. This one does not look back at me. It just stares into the nothingness that surrounds me. After making prolonged contact with this strange sign, it gets up, moves to the side and covers its sibling. It says: WHY CAN YOU NOT TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU AND I? I was stunned. I stopped walking. I kept glaring at the brown-paper lined glass window with its signs, one sign now over the other. Imagine selling crack out of your grandmother’s room. It is truly a sight and a thought, one that seems nearly impossible but yet all too real. It is the reality in which some of exist. Those of us who often lose ourselves to the system. Or rather, are lost to the system. For how does anyone end up in such a wretched position, constantly subject to violence, discrimination, and instability without it being necessitated. There are often instances of tractors of time who merely mow lawns. These were the same lawns owned by the slave-masters. The slave-masters always ensured that their thoughts were cut nice and short, tailored to match everyone else in the community neighborhood. After all, they did not want to receive a citation for an unkempt lawn.  

           The last sign did not bear anything but a number combination: 930-293-7381.