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#i just want one of my friends to be awake and or not at work rn so i can talk to someone who wont yell at me
noobsoconfusing · 2 days
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‘domesticated dawg’.. domestic!hamzah
contains reader insert! and nsfw kinda at the end
- for his whole damn life, everything hamzah wanted was a home
- sure, he had one before, but to be honest, it was just a house. no meaning behind it other than his family living there with him.
- so when he eventually moved out, loneliness began hitting like a truck..
- he found himself alone. constantly trying to fit into everything mandy and martin did, but he understood his friends also wanted privacy
- although hamzah wished he could just live with his friends, everything seemed funner with them. mandy was nice, always sharing martin with him, letting him interrupt their conversations to add comments, making jokes about whatever and they even had a group chat!
- but still, that life was not his, it was martin’s. it was mandy’s. not hamzah’s.
- god, he so craved a relationship as beautiful as his friends. it made him so sad knowing that the only girl he pulled ever was in elementary school :(
- so when you stumbled upon his hectic life, he knew he was NOT letting u go. ever. never ever.
- and mother of god, you were just so so so perfect? how could you? like, for real, he asks himself everyday what the hell did he ever do to deserve such a beautiful human by his side
- as the relationship develops, he finds himself doing stuff he only dreamed about
- he enjoys every single little thing you guys do together, cherishes every moment with you, even when you’re not around he keeps your id picture in his wallet
- makes sure you don’t have to move a finger!!!
- dishes? he does em! the bed? he makes it! clean the cats litterbox? on it!
- sometimes you wake up to the faint smell of something burning, and you’ve gotten used to it by now it’s even comforting .
“sweetheart….” he’d whisper not to disturb your peaceful slumber, however the noisy rattling of the dishes and the blender going off earlier had you already awake.
“hmm?” you murmured slowly opening your eyes, his big eyes stared at you like a squished bug, it made you giggle how eager he was to serve breakfast in bed.
“you are never gonna believe what i just prepared!” he excitedly said.
you smiled, sometimes hamzah was like an excited toddler showing you everything he did or found.
“so like, last night i was on facebook and found this super cool french toast recipe and tried to make it today for you but uh… we didn’t have eggs… or bread.” he paused and you tilted your head. “so i also tried to make pancakes with water and the mix but uh.. you never really showed me how to lower the flame so uh, they’re bricks now…” he nervously scratched his head
he was so cute, or so you thought.
“it’s okay, hamzah, what did you make then?” you asked, invested heavily. he always managed to surprise you somehow.
quickly, he got up the bed where he was straddling you, and ran to the counter where he had left the plate.
“anyway, cereal!” he smiled so big waiting for your reaction of approval.
“wooooow! my favourite!” you smiled too.
“i know right!”
- hamzah tries SO hard to please you :(
- actually tries to spend every single hour of the day with you, due to his job he finds himself being at martin’s often, so he brings you with him each time!
- late night editing with him, where you two are just snuggled together under the covers, hamzah has his blue light glasses on, and you think, man, what a sight to see!
- hamzah actually thinks you guys are married..
- not to be intense or anything, but to him, being with you means for life. you guys are going serious. no escaping from this man now. no backing down now.
- you and the cats are his little family. he has found a home in you and is willing to keep it forever <3
- every moment with you counts to him.
- in the mornings you two brush your teeth together, sometimes he spits toothpaste on your hand to make you mad, which doesn’t really work because you do the same to him and then it all ends in a laughing fit
- HE HAS NO SENSE OF PRIVACY T_T
- you could be taking a shower and he’s right outside of the shower curtain taking a shit and talking about whatever was on his mind
- when you’re using the bathroom he would burst the door open to grab something he left inside, unapologetically look at you and smile innocently
- since your little house –apartment– is rather small, whenever you use the kitchen together he has to constantly guide you around in order to not bump into each other
- grabs your waist to prevent you from slipping if he spills milk or water..
- literally just an excuse to touch you, though.
- sometimes you’re cooking and he just sneaks behind you to give you a back hug. rests his chin on top of your head and stays there for a while
- needs you constantly ngl
- if there’s something wrong with the house, such as a leak or a burnt bulb, he would try his best to fix it himself to prove you he’s capable of everything
- usually ends badly and you have to call someone else to fix it but hey! he tried!
- since you both are not very extroverted, house dates are perfect.
- movie nights under the dim lights of the apartment that lead to make out sessions..
“h-hold…” you tried to say between sloppy kisses being planted on your neck. “hold on!” you laughed out loud when the hickey he was giving you tickled your collarbone.
“mhmm, why?” you could feel his warm breath as he murmured against your skin.
“movie…”
“rather do you, though.” he replied.
- ordering take out that just ends up on hamzah and you racing to see who can eat more
- he loves to see you wearing his clothes <3 like, it actually makes him physically happy and super fucking proud
- loves how his hoodies are undeniably big on you, and how his shirts falls down to your thighs, covering you up so perfectly. knowing you enjoy wearing his clothes just makes him realise how much you both need each other pretty much always
- hamzah has mentioned –to you– before his desire to actually grow your family a bit more, no more cats though, no dogs either. a baby, maybe. or two. three?
- and he was super blunt and serious about it, also. like he was being DEAD SERIOUS. he loves you, dude. this man is a family man.
“we are very serious, right?” he asked you out of the blue.
“yeah, of course.” you replied looking at his direction. the bed sheets covered his body so you could only see his face peeking out. it was funny.
“no but like, im super serious about you, about us… i love you a lot and i feel so deeply about you, is that alright? do you not feel weird about me? like, do you actually like me or…?” he rambled, and you knew how self conscious he could get sometimes ;(
“hamzah, i am so very serious about us too, i love being with you, why would you doubt that?” it made you sad, but you had to constantly reassure him.
he leaned in to kiss you, so soft and desperate at the same time, like he was trying not to break down.
“serious, right?” he asked again as he broke the kiss
“yeah, very serious, hamzah.”
a moment of silence. he played with your hair, then subtly touched your face in the dark, tracing your features.
“okay but speaking super fucking seriously, i wanna impregnate you and i wanna raise our children and live until we’re super fucking old, that alright?”
he deadpanned. and you never felt so loved, even if his ways were… odd. you knew he cared, and you did too!
“yeah. that alright.”
- morning sex hits hard w hamzah btw. so when you’re still tired and wanna be together you opt for this one as an excuse to get up until the evening
- this man needs you so much that he actually for real wants to merge your souls together
- but as he cannot do that yet, he settles for your bodies..
- sometimes when he’s working he just :( needs you and your warmth and your embrace and your presence and you you you you
- he’s obsessed with you to say the least
- yeah so cockwarming.. where he just begs for it, and you cant say no to that wet dog face :c though you know he wont even last a minute without moving cuz he’s needy like that.
- his hands are grasping at your waist for mercy, keeping you down and linked to his own body. he tries his best to keep still, though you wouldn’t mind if he actually started thrusting
- loves how warm you’re always :c it’s almost embarrassing how pathetic this man is for you
“mmm, im… oh, god! f-fuck, im sorry, can i…?” he whimpers, his eyes shut and his work long forgotten on the desk
and god, yeah. you need it too. he’s been inside for what felt like fucking hours. you were just as needy and desperate but didn’t wanna say anything :(
“yeah j-just…yeah..” you managed to say, your face buried in his neck, inhaling his cologne.
it was so damn intoxicating, you felt so drunk on him.
- big on aftercare. he wants to make you comfortable and loved, which yeah you feel like that around him. tho he also needs aftercare from you sometimes..
- hamzah thinks, you found him to save him. save him from his loneliness, his misfortune, everything. he is so glad that you exist and decide to share your existence with him.
- hamzah now doesn’t have to look for a home in other places. he doesn’t have to look out for love, for company somewhere else. he has you, you’re his home now. now and forever
- you’re a home that’s not taken. a home that’s not temporary. a home that waits for him everyday. a home that provides love and care. a home that he doesn’t feel he’s intruding..
- a home he doesn’t wanna run away from. not ever
>_<
down bad for this kinda hamzah bruv anyway hope some1 likes dis
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AWAKE SHIFTING TIPS +
SHIFTING METHOD: FOCUS METHOD
Type: awake (similar to meditation;begginer friendly)
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Hiii so one of my friends in a server asked for tips on awake shifting which inspired this post. I'm gonna give up guys some tips for beforehand to really get u in a good state to shift via this meathod bc if u jump right in and aren't usually the meditation type it might be more difficult but imma explain all the meditation stuff like a for dummies book and make it easy for yall (yay!).
Pre-attempt: So firstly to make it easier for you to start the meathod you can do some breathing techniques, you can look up some on YouTube if you'd like but I'll also recommend one of my favs. So this breathing technique is simple actually all you gotta do is breathe into your chest and let the oxygen flow to your head (hold ur breathe and focus on feeling the oxygen move to your head). Do this for a while till you like feel serene/at peace/relaxed or till you forget what you were doing bc u were to focused on breathing whichever comes first shouldn't take to long dw you'll be suprised.
Secondly you can use a hand mudra imma put a chart down below i made btw. The purpose of this is bc for the meathod your gonna want to hone in and hand mudras are kinda like the difference between using a marker and a fine point pen. if your gut is wanting to do something specific with your hands on its own listen to it, if not use one of these or whatever u come up with as long as you stay away from ones that are kinda rounded, and ones with ur hands separated. I've found that when I try and reality shift a sharper mudra with both hands will really sharpen your energy/intent.
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MEATHOD TIME YAY
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So if your using a mudra (Not nessasary) have it picked out beforehand to use.
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The Focus method (How I Usually Shift)
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So your gonna get in a comfortable or safe space where you can be fully relaxed and just focus on shifting. This method can be done laying down, sitting, standing whatever.
Imma give you guys 2 versions use whichever works for you.
Version 1: Pick out your dr first, now you have your intention set for what your doing with this method. Now your gonna focus, not about anything in particular simply focusing. When you start to feel like pulses/brainwave type sensations you'll know you've achieved the type of focus needed. Keep maintaining your focus at some point you'll probably notice your surrounding/the world around you fading/changing, it's working don't shift your focus to that tho keep maintaining the focus until you feel yourself coming back to your body. Your dr body on your own.
Version 2: alright version 2 has slightly different begining steps. After you've picked out you dr your going to imagine it/things about it until you can lock in on its essence. This can come from the most stupid random small things, you might feel like it needs to be something that encapsulates the whole dr but nah just keep thinking about your dr until you hit that one thing that bridges you to it in that moment.this is a feeling you'll be able to tell what I mean because the thing will bring you the essence of your dr. Now once you've locked onto the essence you can start your shifting attempt. (You don't need to continuously feel that essence thing btw you just need to have locked onto the energy for your shift bc the next part will bring you there). From here you'll focus, (again not on particulars) simply focusing on focusing. Keep focusing until your world, cr, any world; it fades away. Don't divert your focus when you feel your surroundings shifting and changing, keep maintaining your focus until you drift back to being present in your body once more. Your dr body; when you emerge.
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Merry shifting~
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The game :P
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quinacridonered · 2 days
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Rings of Power Recap - Season 2, Episode 6
Orc #1: All I wanted was to settle quietly in a suburb of Mordor.
Orc #2: You still can. 
Orc #3: Put a downpayment on an ox… 
Orc #1: Get a warg puppy for the wee ones…
Arondir: Nope.
Passing Mouse: You look like you’ve been subsisting on pizza, but apparently it’s all scrap metal?
Assistants: Good point. Lord Celebrimbor?
Celebrimbor: Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow… Creeps at this petty pace from day to day…
Mirdania: Shall we order some pizza, my lord?
Celebrimbor: Who the fuck are you?
Sauron: Perhaps you should stop spending the food budget on Red Bull and vodka.
Eregion Citizens: Lord Celebrimbor!
Sauron: I’m taking over. What’s up, citizens?
City Guards: The only inbound traffic has been dead bodies covered in foreign graffiti.
Sauron: All is well. You are getting very sleepy. 
Mirdania: I don’t feel sleepy. Your new dress is making me very awake indeed.
Sauron: Don’t worry, we’ll get you one just like it.
Orc Daddy: We both love-hate Sauron. Friends forever?
Galadriel: You are the only one who understands.
Orc Daddy: Look, I got you fresh produce and everything.
Galadriel: Aw. You’re really trying.
Orc Daddy: What’s new in your world?
Galadriel: *full disclosure of elven state secrets*
Orc Daddy: You know how Sauron makes you feel seen and understood, and then you give him what he wants, and then he totally fucks you over?
Galadriel: Uh-huh…
Orc Daddy: I did mention he was my leader and teacher for centuries, right?
Galadriel: What’s Black Speech for “fuck my life”?
Elendil: Traitor!
Pharazon: Takes one to know one.
Elendil: The Valar will show who’s right.
Pharazon: Brilliant idea. 
Homeless Wizard: What episode is it?
Tom Bombadil: Episode 6, why?
Homeless Wizard: Does time flow differently in Rhûn? My plot feels like it hasn’t moved in months.
Tom Bombadil: Fine. Here’s the next bit. Betray your friends or doom the world.
Homeless Wizard: Suddenly I miss when you were just forcing me to bathe.
Poppy’s Love Life: *occurs*
King Durin: Look who’s here!
Prince Durin: Annatar. You look… asymmetrical.
Sauron: What can I give you for more mithril? Timber? Grain? Eregion’s finest virgins every full moon?
Prince Durin: I need a shower just talking to you.
King Durin: I am knee deep in all the virgins I could possibly want.
Balrog, via Fire Zoom Call: Cousin! Missed ya, where you been?
Sauron:  Spent a millennium as evil goo. Not my best moment.
Balrog: Sworn enemies?
Sauron: Disloyal minions.
Balrog: Gets you every time.
King Durin: *taking notes* Watch out… for disloyal… minions…
Disa: Is he still…
Prince Durin: He’s worse.
Disa: I hear the League of Disloyal Minions is looking for new members.
Prince Durin: He’s my Dad. I can’t do it.
Disa: Who do you fear more, me or him?
Prince Durin: Tough call, but frankly, you.
Pharazon: We’re gonna feed you to the Sea Wyrm. 
Elendil: I’ll take that over your company.
Miriel: Over my dead body. I mean it literally.
Guards: Incoming!
Eldritch Marine Horror: I’m hangry.
Miriel: I am the rightful monarch of Numenor.
Eldritch Marine Horror: For fuck’s sake. This used to be a normal ocean. Now it’s crawling with the cosmically significant. Is there at least a fish and chips?
Pharazon: We can hook you up with some gumbo.
Crowd: MI-RI-EL!
Giant Eagle: My god, they are fickle here.
Eregion Citizens: Oh shit. Orcs. Many.
Sauron: Celebrimbor! Chop fucking chop! I can’t move this whole forge into a trebuchet projectile shelter now, can I? You wanted the world’s tallest tower and now you work in the world’s easiest target!
Celebrimbor: This is the point in our relationship where I normalise physical violence.
Sauron: Baby, I thought you’d never ask.
Hallucinatory Eregion Citizens: What a fine sunny day we are having in the middle of the night. 
Clock tower: *strikes thirteen*
Sauron: Asking nicely for the last time: make the fucking rings. Here’s your grandpa’s hammer. Go get ‘em, tiger, etc.
Celebrimbor: Rings… Gotta make some rings…
Sauron: Servants! New case of Red Bull and some Zero Age tequila! Let's party like it's 1999!
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two weeks of peak season down, thirteen to go! due to some fortuitously timed cancellations i actually did hit my dream of being a week ahead on prep work (well, at least on answer key making) on tuesday of this past week. it didn’t last long lol (partly due to i was being Insane which seems to have calmed down some knock on wood) but i’ve caught up some more and i’m pretty sure i should be able to get back to a week ahead tomorrow morning while catching up on industry.
this past week i worked about 35 hours, which does remain on the high end for me. i have also tutored every day since last sunday which is not my favorite although both my incredibly far friday night student (i’m talking bay ridge… back to queens that is a commute the length of a feature length movie…) & my saturday kid are taking this week off, which is a huge relief lol. meanwhile the content development side gig continues slowly wrapping up, which is the main reason i am still mostly ignoring everything outside of work i can ignore - i’m basically racing the other active developer for claiming the last few available sets, of which there are 6, although i am not racing very fast because i don’t actually have that much time to work on them and i also am trying not to push my brain into the burnout zone… last fall when i was really actively trying to get on more even financial footing i was very ungenerous about giving my brain time off and it led me to feeling very bad inside all the time for a long while! this year i feel like my goal is really just to get through the season without feeling bad. do what i need to do and not freak out about it, which also entails not putting pressure on myself about things i don’t need to do. perhaps next year my goal will be to do that and also stay in touch with my hobbies and bigger picture goals and such lol. but in the meantime i am being very relaxed with myself about if i want to just read people on reddit talking about john mulaney’s ex-wife’s book everybody hates or whatever, although this week i do want to finish the patrick radden keefe book about human smuggling in chinatown i have on ebook hold.
i played mario kart with some friends & acquaintances this week, i didn’t bail on opening free store even though i kinda wanted to. i have not updated my little habit tracker in A While but i worked out 5 times again this week & hit my step goal; i had to take an extra rest day yesterday due to silent migraine keeping me in sitting jail but today’s was a bodyweight routine so hopefully i can go straight into the one i was set to do tomorrow, since i do really like the friday/sunday rest schedule. i am very stressed about two of my kids’ score trajectories lol but the one whose mom made me do a phone call (why) to be like “yes i have seen students in his position improve no i can’t really promise more than that” just kicked ass on a practice test which was a relief. even though i am spending so much time Highlighting and Content Developing and Admin Doing (my least favorite work task that no one makes me do but me is updating their little homework google docs… but like so often i end a session being like well ok i will see if i can find a worksheet to link you on circle graphs….) i still am actively getting a kick out of my cozy fall routine where i can sleep late and do work in bed while drinking coffee until i’m awake enough to work out. my room is still very messy but it’s literally whatever. if this is the week things start feeling crazy it will only be 13 weeks of craziness which is quite survivable! but also i don’t think it will be (although, like, famous last words, so knock wood!).
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puppyeared · 9 months
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for like 3 weeks i was wondering why i was sleeping so much and felt listless. and just now I managed to email 3 people and responded to a month old message in the span of an hour because I got back to TAKING MY FUCKIN MEDS..........
#MOTHER FFFFUCKER#to be fair. my doc said I could stop taking them while im on break since i wouldnt need to be constantly pumped on stimulants#im not sure if it was a side effect but i managed to take like 3 different naps in one day and STILL managed to sleep thru the whole night#at least 2 days into my break. the weird thing is i didnt feel more or less rested afterwards. but mentally i think im in a good place rn#to really put the level of awakeness im at rn i feel weirdly confident i could start one piece. also bc of that sick new opening it BANGS#the song is really good and im in love with the animation style. did some digging and it seems one of the lead animators is masato mori#but i could be wrong. it seems he also did some work on mp100 which could explain a lot lol.. he uses smear frames really well to convey#consistent movement and fluidity!!! someone else might have done color design but it works really really well esp with odas style!!#just love the overall vibe and aesthetic and id really love to study it and incorporate a bit of it into my art.. especially the thick#outlines which i think helps to separate characters and objects on screen. though i have to say the style is definitely more suited to#animation bc of the simpleness and smears. maybe that will help me explore shapes and perspective when i draw... i wanna get better#at drawing poses and angles but i have a hard time wrapping my head around space and using perspective guide lines NGHHHH#i wonder if it has to do with my dogshit ability to judge distance. not depth perception but like. judge how far smth is in metres etc#im also wearing an N95 for the first couple weeks back bc of the wave. absolutely NO BODY is wearing a mask its so fucking over#where im sitting ive heard 5 different people coughing probably not into their elbows!!! and im just. head in my fucking hands#there was a kid sitting a couple seats away in class coughing as he pleases and i wanted to grab him in a chokehold so badly. PLEASEE#ive been annoying my family by asking them to mask up and reminding them to bring masks when they go out and showing them news articles#but at least its working bc we ordered some KN95s and my mom is at least taking me seriously so. please dont be afraid to speak up abt your#health. take care of yourself and others however u can!! wear that mask indoors at your maskless friends house!!! stay home when u can!!#im wearing a surgical mask at home too bc my parents have '''a dry throat cough''' and they are so bad at coughing into their sleeves#also im pretty sure dry throat isnt transmissible bc my brother started coughing too so.. i also tested negative but they havent tested yet#im also not a doctor but i have to keep reminding ppl whenever i can that covid and flu work differently. covid is new and too recent to#have nearly as much research done on it. it seems its also compounding so instead of building immunity it weakens the body and spreads to#to other systems which might explain brain fog and muscle weakness. i remember someone early in the pandemic got infected and it messed up#their smell/taste receptors so bad that they cant eat most foods and that stays in the front of my mind when i think abt covid. christ#yapping
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uhode · 7 months
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she posted like parts of a photo from this summer on her instagram story doesn’t matter whatever i am in that photo and it’s the beach at the end of my street and i am going to be fucking sick i hope i really fucking hope it makes her a bit sick too
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kellystar321 · 1 year
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.
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ajarofpickledtears · 11 months
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it's so difficult to get stuff done when i still am daily having to actively resist the urge to sleep all day
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pepprs · 2 years
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currently.
#purrs#what if i was experiencing ordeals so mortifying and horrors so horrible i could not talk about them to anyone in full honesty and truth and#transparency not even the dearest people in my life who love me and actively want to support me and listen to me or my tumblr mutuals who#are literally my bestest friends who live in my phone and in some cases outside of it so instead i locked myself in my rapunzel tower and pr#proceeded to cut off my hair and then cut off my dress and then cut off my brain so it could stop perceiving stimuli and reacting to it#despite wanting to get better and thinking it’s getting better and i couldn’t even tell my therapist because he doesn’t get me but it takes#too long to find a new one and i don’t have time and also my tower was getting renovated and also i was a little bug who was getting.#crushed by giant rain drops falling on my shell and bending my antennae so im dizzy and also it’s as almost midnight and i had to be up at a#work awake in 6 hours and ready to fscilitwtbeblike 3 things but i was screaming and howling and pounding on the floor over the dumbest most#normal sjit in the entire world that i couldn’t tell anybody i was struggling over because it would make everybody in the world blow up and#die and explode. what if i had to communicate the horrors through memes and vague posts every single day and that was all that was truly at#my disposal and everyone thougut i was being weird and standoffish and mean but really i was pulsing hurt like a strobe light every second o#of every day. becaus ei think if all of that was true i would simply go to sleep without doing the dishes and redacted redacted redacted red#redacted. and i wish i could. but i can’t. I’m just a little beetle and the rain drops are so huge. lol#delete later#puslng INCOMMUNICABLE hurt *. like morse code. like fire flies. Because literally… 💡💡💡💡💡#<- girl who has had separation anxiety since the day she was born. but also girl who never texts anyone back. girl who is a hypocrite 🥰
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the-casbah-way · 11 months
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i woke up too late to study (again) and it’s raining and i’m too depressed to go to uni so i have to cancel on all my friends today (again)
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wallowing in self pity as an after work activity.
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sluttyten · 2 years
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if it was just up to me I’d be on my way home by now, but I’m staying with my best friend at her boyfriend’s house, and she told me last night that she wants to sleep in and go to a local mall this morning (which doesn’t even open until 11), and then we have to stop in another city because I promised an old coworker I was close with that we’ll stop and see her since we’re going that way anyway, but now I’m like probably not getting home until late afternoon, but if I left now, or like an hour and a half ago when I woke up, I’d be home by a little bit after noon, actually earlier than that because there’s a time change somewhere in there
#I tried telling her the other day when she first mentioned the mall that I don’t really want to go#but she really wants to#and it’s kinda annoying because it’s a little bit out of our way?#like it’s the same general direction that we’re going in but not really#and also she’s gonna be up here again in like two or three weeks? she can just go then#it’s not like she needs to go she just wants to see this one store that our mall at home doesn’t have anymore#and I just want to go home 😭😭 I barely wanna stop and see my friend in the other city now#but I also really do because I want to see where she works and that’s where we’re meeting her#but also if I get home at a decent enough time I might be going out of town again tonight lol because there’s somewhere my mom wants to see#that’s like a two hour drive away from home#like damn let me just spend the entirety of my four day weekend traveling#(I’m fine with it mostly) I just hate that right now I’ve been awake for an hour and a half just waiting#at least I’ve been writing#working on yesterday’s kinktober prompt#I think I’m nearly done and then I’ll start on the one that’s supposed to be for today#I don’t even know how I’m gonna post these now that I’m a few days behind#bc if I post them all at once then I feel like they’re just not gonna get notes#but we’ll see#I’ll probably post at least the day 14 and 15 tomorrow#hopefully 16 and 17 too but since those two still need to be written and I have to work tomorrow idk what’s gonna happen
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boyfeminism · 2 years
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today sucked but its Over <3
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urbanfiltered · 3 days
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:-)
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eyesoftxmorrow · 14 days
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i wish i could love in a way that matters
#ignore me its 4 am and i scared myself awake LOL#idk nightly rambling w a side of sleepy brain fog im gonma delete this later i think#i've been thinking a lot ab my aromanticism and how. idk. i keep running into my own mental resistance to it#ik theres prob a lot of internalized bs there i gotta work out on my own terms but like#ig i feel almost. disappointed? in knowing that's who i am#no disappointed isn't the right word. im not disappointed in my sexuality and i certainly don't hate the fact that im aspec#in fact i feel More secure in knowing why i feel the way i do about relationships#but at the same time i wish. that wasn't just it for me?#i think what im trying to say is i feel like im missing a huge part of. the human experience i guess. in knowing i don't feel romantic love#i don't understand it. i never have. and it feels almost restricting to me in a way#theres just this whole facet of human relationships that i'll just never be able to fully explore#whether that's in my creative works or in my own life#and that. almost makes me sad#don't get me wrong the love i Do feel and am surrounded by every day is so so fulfilling to me. i love my friends+family more than anything#but ig in knowing im aro i feel almost. shut out from the possibility of exploring a truly deep and nuanced connection with another person#bc every relationship i Have had like that before never once felt like i was truly myself. like i was putting on an act and miming what i#Thought you were supposed to do in those kinds of relationships#i just feel like what i Want and who i Am are fundamentally at odds w one another#and i guess i just have to. learn to accept that.#idk#im going back to sleep#skip speaks
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readymades2002 · 3 months
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oh yeah im the joker right now so i can't analyse things anymore. sorry!
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