#I’m really fucking sad rn still because as I told some friends

[disneyprincessdxminatrix]

wallowing in self pity as an after work activity.

[princhii]

↳ Ciclos

bada lee x fem!reader

not proofread per usual, this is vry short just a little smtg!

↳ cw!: angst, toxic, cheating, very slightly suggestive, light(?) manipulation. just sad lol

a/n: literally copy n pasted from my notes..! i’m coping rn srry…if i gotta feel it so do all of u..! also i do not condone anything mentioned below the cut. lowkey just venting i’ve had quite the week 🌷

“i trusted you.”

“i know.”

“…”

you sat uncomfortably on the plush sofa, hunching over and covering your face with your now wet hands. your eyes nonstop letting tears roll down.

the only sound audible being sobs you choked out. complete silence on the other end.

you huffed out an exaggerated sigh and sat up, frantically wiping your tears away— trying to, at least. the older girl who sat on the other side of the couch shifted slightly, her eyes glaring over at you. stoic expression. you really couldn’t read her. she extended her arm out, attempting to put her hand on your thigh. quickly, you smacked her hand away and jolted up from the sofa. her expression once again, unreadable. she didn’t even react.

“do you even really care?”

silence.

“bada, answer me. please.”

bada looked up at you before standing up herself. she calmly walked towards you, but still leaving enough distance between the both of you. opening her mouth slightly to say something, she quickly shut it once she realized she truly didn’t know what to say. what does one even say when they get caught cheating? again?

“i know i gain nothing by apologizing. what you saw was real. what you heard was real. it all happened and,” bada groaned lightly, sitting back down on the sofa. “i don’t think anything i say even matters.”

this time you stayed silent. completely.

the two of you in the living room which was now filled with very awkward silence and an uncomfortable tension.

and in the heat of the moment, you couldn’t keep it together any longer. you snapped.

“bada lee, you are so fucking unbelievable! are you even listening to yourself right now?” you shouted.

the older girl just blinked. once again, saying nothing.

“countless times i’ve asked you about her. you knew how those rumors made me feel. you told me not to worry for christ’s sake!” you wept out, your tears once again getting the best of you.

this time, bada reacted. her hands balling into fists.

“i’m…sorry.”

you scoffed at her weak attempt of an apology. this personally annoyed the older girl. it was made known once you saw her get up and grab her keys.

“why do you always do this? any time we try discussing something, you get pissed and you leave. you go out with your friends, jesus, and now i know you go to her.” your chest heaved with every word. could she really not grasp the seriousness of the situation?

looking over her shoulder, bada looked right at you. only this time, you could see how glossy her eyes became. was it guilt?

no.

as much as you wanted to run over to her and beg her to stay, you couldn’t. you froze. how did you know it wasn’t guilt? because it wasn’t the first time, unfortunately. empty promises of her changing, she never changed. bada stayed the same.

“i’ll be back tomorrow. have a good night, y/n.”

tomorrow had in fact, never came.

•·················•·················•

you hurriedly typed away, attempting to finish an essay you had been pushing back up until last minute. your hair in a messy bun, glasses slightly smudged, and very tired eyes. the bright screen of your laptop slowly creeping up on your eyes and stinging some.

you felt your phone vibrating from underneath the covers. you put your laptop to the side and looked for your phone, lifting it up to see what it was and who could possibly be calling you at such late hours.

unknown caller id

it could either be one, a scammer, or two, maybe one of your friends or relatives got a new number.

and handing the caller the benefit of the doubt, you went with the second option and picked it up. immediately regretting your decision as soon as you heard the voice on the other line.

“ah, hello. is this y/n?”

your heart sank, your stomach churning uncomfortably, and your chest suddenly aching. unknown caller was bada. letting out a breathy sigh, you decided to respond instead of hanging up. was it a good idea? no. why would it ever be?

“what do you want?”

“can i come over?”

“you’re insane, leave me alone.” right as you were about to hang up, her voice got louder. growing curious, you pressed your phone against your ear.

“y/n wait, please. i just need to talk to you— in person.”

“it’s two in the morning.”

“it’s been so long, please let me see you. let me talk.”

“a year and eight months but who’s counting?”

you hung up.

•·················•·················•

“i missed you. so much. so damn much.”

the older girl peppering kisses across your jawline. her large hands roaming all over your body, leaving goosebumps along the skin she caressed.

to say you fucked up was an understatement.

both of your naked bodies intertwined and sprawled out on your bed. truth is after you hung up on her earlier, she kept calling and messaging you. quite literally blowing up your phone, it started heating up. you gave in after a while. but only to talk. just talk.

that was not the situation at hand. far from it.

“and you said all you wanted was to talk…”

“and you weren’t complaining when i had my fingers deep insi—“

you cut her off by smacking her away, embarrassed by the truth behind her words. bada laughed softly and pulled you closer towards her, resting her chin atop your head. you felt her fingers lightly stroke your hair, causing you to yawn and grow aware of how tired she had made you. leaning into her touch, your eyes grew heavier. you were sleepy.

“will you be here in the morning?” you muttered.

“of course, my love. i won’t let you go. i love you, y/n.”

your heart fluttered.

“i love you too.”

•·················•·················•

“are you happy?”

“…”

“gotcha.”

you let out a long sigh, feeling like an idiot for even bothering to ask such a stupid question. the older girl scooted closer to you, arms brushing slightly against each other. the two of you sitting on the park bench, looking up mindlessly into the starry night sky.

“can i hold your hand?” bada whispered, fidgeting with her fingers.

“your girlfriend wouldn’t like that. no.”

a long pause of silence was exchanged. although shortly after, the both of you met halfway and interlocked pinkies. you knew you shouldn’t have, but there was no possible way for your heart to slow down. you knew this was a mistake.

bada hummed softly, leaning against the bench and tilting her to the side, giving you a smile. and, god, was she so attractive underneath the pale moonlight. her eyes sparkling perfectly with the way the natural lighting of the moon shun upon her face. her lips curled into that sweet smile she’d always give you. tightening your grip on her pinky, you looked down into your lap. you refused to look at her like this.

“why did this happen to us?” you chuckled dryly, letting go of her pinky to cover your face with both hands.

“i forgave you so many times. you’re doing the same thing to her, except it’s with me now. why couldn’t you just change, bada. why did we have to go through all of this?”

bada kept quiet before answering.

“i still love you.” she huffed.

“we can’t keep doing this. we’re going in circles. it’s a never ending cycle, bada.” you retorted, sneering at the older girl next to you. bada frowned, crossing her arms over her chest. the two of you stayed like this for another good ten minutes. not a single word exchanged between you two. just the sound of the wind breezing lightly and leaves rustling.

you had no intentions in meeting up with her tonight, especially as somewhere as public and open as the park. but here you were, again.

although it wasn’t on your list of plans for the night, you had made a decision, mentally. tonight you were cutting her off for good. you had to.

to say it hurt you was an understatement. it absolutely destroyed you. this person was someone you genuinely saw a future with— someone you did plan your future with. deep down, you’d always hope and pray for the day bada would keep her word and change. she always proved you wrong, though. every. single. time. after the breakup, quite some time had passed and here you guys were. back to square one. bada finds her way to crawl back, and you let her. she’ll shower you with empty promises of her changing, of how much she loves you. oh, and she swears it. only this time it was worse. she was in a relationship, and it wasn’t with you.

it took you by surprise considering the fact that she was dating the girl she had constantly told you not to worry about. and here she is, being unfaithful once again. you couldn’t help but burst out into a hysterical laughter. clutching onto your sides from the pain growing caused by your fit of giggles. the girl next to you gave you a concerned look, but still not bothering to say anything. she’s always like this.

after recollecting yourself, you took a deep breath and stood up from the bench. grabbing the older girl’s hand, you helped her up. bada’s face flushed a very light and subtle pink. you both stood in front of the other. looking up at bada, you couldn’t stop yourself from giving her a smile. she smiled back and pulled you into what you swore was the tightest hug you’ve ever experienced.

“will i ever see you again?” bada finally broke down.

she was crying.

you pulled yourself apart from the taller girl, gently pushing her away from the shared hug. you felt tears pooling in your eyes again.

a huge part of you just wanted to say ‘fuck it’ and try it all over again. give bada just one more chance.

but you knew how the story ends. every time.

“take care of yourself, bada.”

you walked away.

and guess what?

so did she.

[tenitchyfingers]

can I fuck you up more about Paul and John?

Paul lost a LOT of people. He made the choice and did the work to get over them. As far as I can tell, he made the choice to never get over John. I'm 55. The only example I can think of is my uncle Peter, who was killed in Vietnam in December 1967 at age 25. It completely destroyed the family. It killed my grandmother. To this DAY, my 91 year old aunt and my 84 year old father cannot talk about him without crying.

Paul REFUSES to get over John. He RELENTLESSLY talks about him at every opportunity. He has spent 40 years singing Here Today which makes him cry (I've personally seen it twice) and has spent two years singing a duet with John in concert. He has spent 30 years waiting to release Now and Then. There is NO SUCH THING as a celebrity at his level who NEVER SHUTS UP about someone who died 43 years ago. and he does not give a flying fuck. He is going to make SURE we are all missing John like he was killed yesterday.

Thank you for this. And god, I’m so jealous rn. Never got to see him live, hope I’ll get to and I’m really starting to be very afraid I’ll never have a chance bc like. Guy is old (and I’d like to see Ringo as well, ideally on stage with Paul and maybe Dhani too and Sean or Julian or… who can say? both is good) 😭😭 and yeah, I’ve seen a bunch of live performances of Here Today that Paul did and it seriously does seem like he can’t get used to performing it without at least having his voice crackle or vanish completely. And I wonder what he was thinking while working on Now and Then.

It’s like when Mark killed John, a huge part of Paul was blown up too and like he’s constantly trying to get it back. But I also really am impressed in some way from how much time he spends bringing John up, and I find it sad too because it does seem like he constantly has unfinished business with him, like there’s some closure he’s looking for that he can’t find and the one thing I keep thinking back on is when at a gig he sang Here Today and then told the audience “if there’s someone you love, tell them” because I think THAT’S the thing he keeps regretting and trying to fix and never really getting to (although I do also think John KNEW how much Paul loved him, if not as a “husband” as a best friend let’s say). Aside from the issues I have with John (mostly his behavior towards Julian, because I really think he was a massive dickhead for it, and Jules did nothing wrong to be treated like that), I really don’t think he was very hard to love. Paul is my girlie, but I very much do understand why he loves John so much. And I like thinking that they still talk to each other, through music, in some way. That like, a huge reason Paul still makes music is that that’s how he gets to connect with whatever John left inside of him, if that’s not too corny to say. And I absolutely admit this is my McLennon further brain talking, here. I also DO believe he just loves music and loves making music, of course. But with how much he mentions and talks about John and writes songs for him… like we get it Paul. Keep going, but like, we get it.

[questionablepastries]

Wahoo I beat armored core (just now now!) thoughts below (and spoilers of course)

I can’t believe they made me fight an upgraded balteus lmao but what balteus wasn’t ready for was an upgraded ME 😈

Good game! Visually very very pretty to look at, mentally I’m clapping a lot at the credits rn lol

And the choices the game made me do lol aaaaaghhh. I almost considered putting the game down for the day when it asked me to betray carla. Same thing with eliminating G1 Michigan, only because I thought VIII Pater was my friend (turns out he’s sick in da head!! Scary guy. Really lives up to his AC name “dual nature” whew) less messed up arquebus members the better. In the end I went with ayre all the way but not because I like ayre but because of 2 things

1) carla she did try to kill me once (she made up for it by saving my ass out of prison tho)

2) (the more important reason why I sided with Ayres idea) — who knows what the ecosystem of the planet would be like with the complete removal of coral, not to mention coral is semi sentient so it’d be like super massacre if I went with Carla (and Walters) idea of destroying it all. ALSO, the destruction of the giant space ship crashing into that coral harvesting place, like what would life be like for the rubiconians? Even worse? Nobody has their interests in minds bc as far as they’re concerned they’re always caught in the middle of some corporation war, so if I sided with Carla it’d be adding fuel to that corporation war fire :(

Like ayre says at the end though, I’m sure we can avoid a fires of ibis situation 2.0 if we work really hard together. 621 is a human that didn’t lose their mind completely after contact with coral voices and maybe it has to do with the fact that they’re a fourth generation human (since the later generations worked out the kinks of not having to hear coral anymore)

Also. During the very sad heartbreaking (for me) killing carla mission, do u know how excited I was to beat the shit out of snail lmao

After reading that his augmentations were only perfected thanks to who knows how many innocent deaths, and his mind re-education shenanigans I’ve hated his ass since DAY ONE. Even IF he’s a sassy funny guy

Ok the ps just told me the trophy for this ending is called liberator of rubricon. Whatever ending that is lol idk what ppl are calling it

God I already miss Walter why’d they make me kill him too lol

ON THAT NOTE I MISS RUSTY I THINK WALTER MAY HAVE KILLED HIM. I’m gonna stick to anime rules for this one and that’s “no body seen no death” yup rusty is still out there (<- copium)

Oh wow ok I guess NG+ just starts like that huh, that’s ok w me I’ll do a NG+ run just to see the other endings, they better not make me actually kill rusty tho that’d break my heart more than it did to take out carla and chatty : (

Also pvp is fun but I’m ok at it lol I keep losing a ton but I’ve had a couple of close matches and won like 4 matches so far

Oh right about snail tho, back in the Carla mission? I was talking mad shit while fighting him like “I ALREADY BEAT YOUR DATA IN THE ARENA YOU THINK YOURE HOT SHIT??” that sorta thing. And u know how dissapointed I was that I didn’t kill him right then and there? His ass escaped that ass beating. Don’t matter tho I terminated his ass for good when he was riding that toddler ass upgraded baby chair balteus 2.0

Idk how from soft does it but they keep making these super super climatic boss fights and super fucking awesome attack patterns that are both visually appealing and difficult to evade/survive but when you do it’s like you’re really in the fight in that moment it’s awesome :) this happened with balteus, balteus 2 purple laser moment, and the fuckinnggggg icewormmmm, malenia elden ring comes to mind (alongside demon souls king of storm)

And I can’t believe they got me with the sekiro monkey “it’s not dead! It’s getting up again!” Moment too god damn that flying boss whew, sad the game wouldn’t let me use that boss’ sweet ass wings as a part to equip :(

Rusty really warmed up to me, initially I was a hater because his ass was always setting me up with these missions that always had an extra lil spice in them meant to kill me or set me up in some way (probably arquebus’ fault) but he…. Waghhhggg………”the first to join” ok cool….ty for being so eager to reunite with me rusty…I honestly thought he was dead after the ice worm mission….and the fucking line he says “there’s only one person who can keep up with me” with 621 in on the comm to listen in on….what are we…….(we’re buddies…)

Great game. And amazing cast of characters, like maybe it’s the voice acting that really nailed it but for me to care about a bunch of people (g1 Michigan…..) that you never actually see in game and only hear is wild lol

I do not care for ayre tho. I’m sorry I’m a hater, she always said some common sense stuff like “remember to dodge” baby we been on how many missions together now please. If she was a deep voiced lady I would’ve been on my hands and knees tho, and if she had a male voice I’d be even worse lol

Cortana ass!!!! Anyways cutest ayre moment was 621 and her watching these giant nuke missles hit a massive structure and she’s like (cutely) “they’re really like fireworks” & I had to laugh and be like we gotta get u some real fireworks ayre they don’t look like this gsvdvdvd

Right and do u know how much I was pogging when the fake raven or Rather the Real Raven showed up??? Damn what was that guys situation about and their handler too? Hmmmmm (dlc potential?)

Fun ass game! Slow start but momentum wise it keeps speeding up and then the end is like WHAM did ya like it and I gotta be like YEAH. I DID. Now I have the urge to play the other endings in ng+ since my AC is geared the fuck up to handle anything I feel like. Kinda wish the pacing at the start stayed the whole way as in slow pacing the entire game with the game letting me kill more shounen protagonist types lol (although that would mean killing ppl like Rusty hmmm my sadism for wanting more murder of naive protagonist types and love for rusty is like oil and water when it comes to that idea lol)

One complaint tho just one, the ost can be somewhat lacking. It has its moments tho!! There’s like 3 tracks that really kill it, and they’re at important moments too. Iceworm, balteus 2.0/snail showdown, and Carla fight are good. The rest went over my head tho sowwy

Now that I’ve achieved credits in this game im a certified armored core fan (even tho this is my first one) and I’m glad this game is getting attention! I really hope they release more AC games bc this kicked ass, maybe they can take a break before taking that on though, because every single mission is pretty breath taking visually, and MASSIVE in terms of sheer size sometimes like damn. Lots of love!

[hoonvrs]

—And randomly on the same day on the class after lunch break, shes like "hey can I sit in the middle rn if you don't mind'. I just gave up and switched seats zoning out and all. And then she randomly goes "what's up? I can tell you're sad you can tell me" like girl WHAT TF YOU THINK IS UP. Anyways like any other toxic relationship, I have code stuff with my mum I say in calls. So I secretly called her during lunch. On the same period a staff came and told me my mum called home cuz my grandma was sick (w mum I love her). Whatever, during the weekend before this, my mum came home and she was like — "did you know that (let's call her pussy) was changing schools??" I was shook. She got into a military school with links and shit. Apparently, when she went home she was locked in her room and she cried for HOURS upon GODDAMN HOURSSS. Why you may ask? Because she didnt know why I was always so sad in class. She almost refused to get admitted to the new school (which is a REALLY good school, unlike our trash ass one). She almost refused cuz she didn't wanna leave me. I was so confused. I swear she was yapping out shit cuz tf you mean you ain't gonna change schools cuz of me. Anyways yes she gave exams and all skipped school a few days for the exam. And I told her , I was changing schools too. But she was fucking begging on her knees for me to transfer to the school she went too. She only passed cuz she was a goddamn topper. I'm nothing but decent. It's not like I wanted to go either. But all of a sudden, she became really nice. Being all smiley all the time and trying to spend as much time with me as possible. Even spent 3rd of December tgt. She got admitted to the school that day, yes, I went with her. And all of a sudden, we're best buds like we were when we were 6. Honestly idk what happened, but she's completely changed. Not rude at all. We'll still a lil but hey anger issues aren't easy in you. Yes ik you're probably screaming saying I shouldn't stay friends with her. But hey it is my life. I'm happy rn. Really happy. Gave the exam at the new school a week ago. Took pics for my identification card. And I'm all good rn. Ik I'll lose contact with her at some point. But hey I'm feeling good so LETS GOOOOO(2)

Never had better days 😁😁

-🌜(happy moonie)

i mean at the end of the day i’m js a enha writer and my opinion on ur v real life shouldn’t matter too much but i’m happy ur starting to feel a lot better moon🫶🏼 seems like it’ll js keep getting better from here

[chryzuree]

okay so i was rewatching the kill counts for happy death day + happy death day 2u because i think it’s a really good series and i LOVE time loop scenarios, so my question for you is… what would it be like if chrysijacks were in that situation? where one of them is constantly getting killed and waking up after they die to relive the same day + the other one is trying to help get them out of it while also having to be reminded of the whole time loop thing every time it’s reset? i hope this makes sense <3 (also i’m sorry you’ve been feeling sad— this month has been rough for me too so ik how it feels but just know i’m here for you, and at the very least i hope you can find some comfort in the fact that you’re not alone in feeling this way 🫂)

PERFECT, SHOWSTOPPING, SPECTACULAR, ALSO HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT I REWATCH THOSE KILL COUNTS AND THINK RLLY HARD ABOUT CHRYSIJACKS EVERY SINGLE TIME… our minds….

i feel like jacks is theee perfect person to be in tree’s shoes, since he’s also a supposedly shallow blonde that’s trying to run from his grief in his past 🫶🏻 it adds to the fun once i add the layer of chrysi being his ex-friend from childhood & he keeps resetting in her room.. first time he wakes up, he’s like “whoaaaaa, crazy night last night… MY FUCKING CHILDHOOD BEST FRIEND????”

but then after that, there’s the added depth of jacks trying to mend their damaged relationship while also trying to stop himself from dying over and over and over again. it’s fun to imagine him trying to apologize and heal the hurts he caused all in one day OVER AND OVER AGAIN. obvi chrysi’s skeptical. lots of mean & funny dialogue here.

but!!! they were still childhood friends!!! chrysi will believe jacks if he tells her that he’s trapped in a time loop. she’ll help you, but it’s not like she’ll be HAPPY abt it :|| jacks is not sure how he feels abt this.

when chrysi dies in one of the time loops, jacks is SO quick to let himself die too. doesn’t matter if his body is slowly degrading with each loop… doesn’t matter if he wound up in the hospital literally that morning from all his previous deaths… he WILL NOT live without his childhood best friend. next morning, he immediately pulls her into a hug and she’s like “?!?!?!?!?!????!?!?!!?!!!!!” but, i mean, hey, it helps him prove he still cares abt her.. sobsob. they end up dating after all that :>

for happy death day 2 u, it would b really funny for jacks to get beamed into what he considers an alt reality, but rlly.. it’s jst a normal modern universe where chrysi and azure are dating. nobody told you?? they’re literally soulmates?? it’s not a fucked up alt reality, ummm. this is part of the universe’s big plan. sorry, man. i KNOW he’s screaming and crying and throwing up rn.

first order of business when he returns to his reality is to kiss chrysi w tongue and also be like, “you’d never ever leave me for a hot tall black-haired french photographer, right??? 🥺” and chrysi’s like, “this is weirdly fucking specific. no?” and then that one agency curious abt experimenting w time loops shows up and ummm. oh. this is awkward. azure is working with them. jacks is screaming and crying and throwing up AGAIN.

[shutuperce]

hey byler babes (that’s ur name now, that or byler besties) i’ve been having a really rough day and it is actually related to byler. 

so i got into a conversation with a queer friend of mine about byler endgame. keep in mind we both agreed to respect each other’s opinions and in 2024 if we’re wrong we’ll admit it so i don’t want to hear any hate to them. 

they agreed mileven isn’t a good ship romantically. they agreed el is going to have her independent girlboss arc. after i explained some stuff to them they agreed the show doesn’t seem to be setting mike and el up for an endgame ship. 

but. they don’t believe in byler endgame. i explained some proof to them, went on a little rant as i do, being a byler truther. they wholeheartedly agree it should happen, they just don’t believe it will. i told them about will being confirmed gay, and they were really happy. i explained how if the duffers don’t go through with this, they’ve made a show about a gay kid getting kidnapped, possessed, starved, nearly killed multiple times, ignored by his friends, and then rejected by the love of his life, as well as many other traumas. they said they think he’s going to have to find happiness in his friends and family after mike’s inevitable rejection, because they don’t see mike as anything but straight.

we talked about queerbait, and how it most often doesn’t have any confirmed queer characters, so byler is by definition different. we talked about how stranger things is for the outcasts, the losers, the weird kids. we talked about how they’re doing a great job of representation with robin, and how there will probably be a robin and vickie romance in season 5. but they still don’t believe. not in byler. in the duffer brothers to make it happen. 

which, just makes me really, really sad and angry. how fucked up is it that our entire lives we have learned that people like us just don’t exist in media? that we can’t have mainstream tv and movies with good queer representation? that when we get representation, an entire population of people screams hate at us for wanting that and getting it? that countries remove scenes or ban media entirely because we finally got to see someone who loves the same people we do, who feels the same way we do, who experiences life as a queer person and is happy? cause we’ve learned to expect queerbait, at this point. we’ve learned that queer characters just don’t get happy endings. 

so, yeah, sorry for all the negativity. i’m just feeling really queer tired right now. 

tl;dr: if you have any happy byler shit on your mind, please send it to me, i could use it rn :’)

[croptopscout]

I feel really stupid about this, but I don’t feel comfortable talking to anyone irl about it so here’s a vent lol

please check tws in the tags if you wanna read this for some reason

I’ve never lost someone like this. Which is pretty silly, considering I’ve had actual family members pass away and now I’m griving a man I didn’t even know. But. All the family members I’ve lost have been very old people who have been sick for as long as I remember, and not a single one was someone I was close with. None of them were people that could bring me comfort when I’m sad or I could depend on to make me laugh. They were basically strangers who I knew shared my blood. This time, I’m also griving a stranger. But this stranger managed to make me so happy so many times. I didn’t even watch his solo content that often, but I knew that when I did, or when I saw him in someone else’s content he always made me laugh. I fucking loved his sense of humor (at least, the sense of humor he allowed us to see) and his stupid greek mythology references that were actually super fucking fitting and shocked me every time because how did I not make that conextion??? 

 I remeber when he first told us about the cancer, and I was concerned, of course I was, no one wants someone they care about (even if it’s a parasocial thing) to be sick, but I didn’t for a minute consider the possibility that he wouldn’t be okay. It just was absolutely ridiculous in my head, that that could happen to him. I don’t think we ever fully believe this kinda stuff is gonna happen to people we care about until it does.

It still doesn’t feel real. 

If his death is affecting this many people who were just fans of his content, I can’t imagine how hard it must be rn for his family and friends. 

I can’t help but be grateful for past me, who watched the Jailbreak stream live months ago, even though at that point I had no idea what was happening on the lore, hadn’t been watching streams, and haven’t watched any lore streams since. I think I’d be regreting it now if I hadn’t.

I’m glad that was my last memory of the dsmp. I’m glad we have so many videos and vods to look back on, when we want to hear his voice, even if I want to cry every time I remeber we’ll never hear it again.

I can’t remember they’re @, but someone on twt mentioned how we’re lucky, because we got to live at the same time as Techno. I definitely feel lucky, for having being able to have been a fan while he was still making content, even if just for a few months. He touched the lives of so many people, and I’m so grateful to have been one of them. Rest in peace king, your memory is gonna live on.

PS: to end on a less depressing note, remeber that Techno is probably laughing his ass off in the afterlife (if it exists) watching us being all sad about this, and buy his merch!!!!!

[star2sworld]

Update: it’s 1am and I’m crying about him. Just feel so hurt none of it was real I just wanted to be loved by someone but I drove him away after 2months and a half. I feel all alone I want to disappear

I wish he’s just block me if he’s going to leave me on seen. I’d feel really hurt if I was blocked but I wouldn’t have that hope of us talking again anymore. I’m always crying over him not caring about me anymore. Did he ever even like me? He gave me such mix signals. I feel like when we were sexually talking he was sweet and text back fast and then it would go back to normal on delivered and me missing him. Sometimes he would go all day without texting me. I get your busy but how can you go all day without texting me if you liked me. Oh, that’s right he never actually liked me.

I’m not unlovable right? How am I suppose to get through this winter? he was my last hope. Although he never liked me his presence really helped my depression and now that he’s gone and I’m dead to him I feel so unbelievably sad and depressed I’ve been thinking of cutting since but I’m a strong girl I can hold on. Right :(

just him saying it’ll be okay helped me so much I just want to be comforted and be told everything will be okay. That I am okay. My nose is so stuffy I can hardly breathe out my nose.

I texted him last night. I told him I’m no longer using insta and that I genuinely love him and I’ll reach out next year. I don’t know why I’m still texting him and telling him about my life when he does not care. I think something that made me really sad is the fact he followed new girls and has been texting them but leaving me on seen. It makes me feel so unwanted. I don’t know why I’m chasing a grown man.

I never met him or see his face or feel his touch but this feels like my first heartbreak. I hate feeling so deep and loving hard. It’s a gift and a curse. It sucks I can’t stop crying over the fact I meant nothing to him. I can’t even get one response from him. He hates me so much I wish he would tell me to fuck off and block me.

I want to text him and apologize for everything and tell him about what I’m going through but it’s not worth it. He won’t respond. He could care less. Why did we have to end on bad terms? I just wish we could’ve ended as friends.

He knew how attached I was to him. How much I liked him. Why did he let me get so attached to him if he didn’t actually like me. I know for a fact he doesn’t think about me anymore. I think I was always just a gullible little toy for him.

I know I’m assuming he never liked me but my girl instincts tell me I’m correct. If a guy actually liked you I know they wouldn’t treat you that way. I’m not saying he never treated me nice because it was great at times but he was really bad at communicating and would often give me the silent treatment.

He’s not even bothered by the fact we’re done. Like literally is texting a whole new girl. I wonder if he’s on twt. It’s not my business at the end of the day. I’m downloading twt back and deleting all of the tweets about him. I need it to look at self help stuff.

My hurt has sunk to the bottom of the ocean shore like Fr. I don’t ever want to go through a breakup like I won’t survive it. Like it’s impossible. Imagine if I got cheated on. I’d feel so betrayed and fucked up. My heart hurts so bad rn thinking about him.

I wish I could go back to the beginning of our situationship idk whatever that was. This was bound to happen at some point but it sucks we’re not on good terms. Taking deep breaths.

I think the reason I was so attached to him is because he made me feel cared and loved at first and then he was just bipolar asf one day he showed a lot of affection then he’d ghost me and say he’s busy and I shouldn’t have let myself go through that.

Like, ever. I should never have dm him. Should have never got attached and said I love you. But I can’t dwell on what I did. I miss him so so much and I’ll let myself cry over him as much as I need. Healing takes a lot of time and I’ll let myself feel my love I had for him until I get over him one day. And I see through the love. See that I deserve better. He deserves better.

I don’t think I’ll text him next year. But who knows. Maybe he’ll reach out. I doubt he’d let himself text me first. I bet he didn’t even respond to my message from yesterday. Dunno why he can’t just respond and say what he wants to say.

The way he texted sometimes made me so pissed and sad. Like he stops talking when we’re in a argument. He gets mad and shuts me off.

I’m going to sleep. I’m not thinking about this anymore. I went this whole week without texting him and I was fine. I thought about him a lot but I still had good days! Today was rough bc everything brought me back and I made a realization that he never liked me. It hurts but trust with time I’ll heal.

I still wish that man happiness and luck. Just not the type of person to hate on someone if I once loved you or if we were ever real friends. I’ll respect his decision and not talk to him anymore. He won’t notice with the girls he’s texting.

I’ve texted no one since we stopped talking over a week ago. I’m letting myself feel as much as I need to properly heal instead of using a guy to get over him. Not even interested in a guy rlly.

It’s 1:32 my eyes are puffy and red I’m tired and I’m on my period. Worst combo. Glad bless me please universe help me. Help me get through this winter give me all the strength and courage I need to survive.

Goodnight

[twinstarlovers]

Bruh I’m channeling. I’m in a car having a major breakdown rn lol. Im so stubborn I know what I need to do but I really don’t want to, if I stop this bad habit of mine then I have to sit w the feeling of unhappiness & because the universe used to manipulate me back then that I would see you soon & so it’s very hard to believe shit now. This is annoying lol. This is hard. I haven’t channeled this hard in a minute fr. So like basically I just felt like checking your account because idk I just felt like it which is weird cus I don’t anymore. & then idk if I started getting sad or idk but I was scrolling down ig posts & I see this post that says “I’ve never stopped loving you” & I got this feeling & then I’m playing music in the background at the same time & something told me to listen to the song & then yeah I read the lyrics & yeahhh. This is crazy accurate lowkey lol. but I miss you so much. It feels so recent. 4 years feels like one year. It’s crazy. What a double life I feel like I’m livinggg. My friend is a Virgo so she helps talk some sense into me & she was like the universe has to bring us together at this point because it’s unfair to the both of us & everybody around us sometimes as well. I was like true lmao. Bruh- I just thought of the amount of things I need to do, ima need to go through another break up 💀 & etc. I’m numbing missing you, numbing on having to get the motivation & clarity to go through another breakup & being unsure where I’ll go so it’s a lot. But damn I love you & I miss you sooo much. I still be saving lil Lamo posts even tho I don’t post them lol 🧸🐥💖. I honestly rather be alone than be w someone tbh. This was very healing but I healed what I needed to & the purpose of this connect is over w. It actually makes me feel bad too lol but not too bad cus ima actually be heartbroken but not for too long but still. Man’s isn’t aware that when he catches me crying or sad because of you, it’s because of you. It’s comforting being able to be comforted when it comes to you but it’s also really fucked up lol but I ain’t ask for this soooooo I ain’t the bad guy. I’ve been seeing similar shit like in the song on tik tok too & I’ve been ignoring it but also watching or listening to it. Likeee I be watching it & be like cappp 💀 but I still be watching it & it’s the same shit but I ain’t tryna be hurt. I’m also on my period AND ITS CANCER SEASON & I think it’s Venus retrograde or sum so this hurts. Anyways I miss you again & again. I hope you are well & having fun. But the song >>> my heart. You forever. I feel the same way lol. I’m so tired of this lol but anyways I should go. Again I love you & miss you & I needa stfu. Bye bye Lamo mamo 🤱🏻🧸🥹💖

[nimbus713]

AHHHHHH

dear god

my friends are all a fucking mess rn

so at the beginning of the year, K and H almost became a thing. but then K realized she didn’t really like him like that, and she had a whole crisis about maybe being aromantic.

but then her and M started having a lil thing. so for like quite a bit i legit thought K and M we’re gonna start dating, and H was sad because he still really like K but he shut down about it

then K and M sorta just fizzled out, and nothing happened. and then they had a bit of a falling out because of like jealousy with some other friends

and THEN. K and H started to become a thing again. and i was happy for them, cause i just want them to be happy, but i’m also worried about what’s gonna happen if it doesn’t work out like last time

and i felt bad for M because her and K were like so close to being a thing, but then she told me she liked this other girl so it was fine.

and i thought things were getting better with K and M’s friendship. so i mentioned including M in mine and K prom group. and then K said sure but not if Ms crush ended up going with her to prom. and she said her crush was AC. and i was like. what. because M like AI.

and so apparently M lied to K about who she liked, and i didn’t know that, and now K is pissed about it. and i’m just here. i hate it.

[easily-bullied]

foolish

Ok so out of a constant need to preface every action I take with unneeded context so as to protect myself from criticisms I would never receive, I have to say that I don’t know how tumblr works and I don”t know if im going to be using it right but I want a space to write and for reasons I don’t want to look at right now my diary has to be out where anyone could see it even if no one ever does. 

Im high. I wonder how many of these I will be writing while high. I hope I dont keep track. I dont want to get more depressed. 

I’m feeling listless as usual these days. to set the scene, im a 30 year old trans woman who came out 2 years ago, and in the last year I lost my dog, my girlfriend, my dream home, and my job in that order. So anyways right now it’s been a low season. It’s been a big reset and I had no agency in any of it. In some ways I feel like the last life decision I got to make for myself was coming out. I dont think any of the shit i’ve gone through this year is a repercussion of that decision though. Its a decision that impacts every facet of my life but even with that I think it’s unrelated. hard to separate them though, like if I let my mind wander unchecked it makes a connection and I hate that. It’s not that coming out didnt have some consequences that were difficult or sad, but like I just don’t want to add to the list. 

listening to some sad music and writing some emo shit like this is really taking me back. Im so in my head about how old I am right now. it’s fucking me up and it really shouldnt bug me. I should go smoke more. 

I didnt smoke more. Wanted to keep you updated.

Anyways, I’m listless. I have big decisions to make but right now I have no wants or motivation. Like obviously Im depressed but still I guess it frightens me that I wont look forward. Focusing on no isnt good either I dont think. My best friend is moving away, I’m just in my apartment all day.  

Its honestly funny how much shit I’ve gone through the last little while. Like it sucks in a lot of ways, but also it validates my status as The Main Character, And like FYI it isnt that fun being the main character, But it is funny and it certainly is interesting. Im just worried that after this latest big status quo change, next season is going to be kind of messy. I’m worried that it’s not gonna be the type of show I’m used to. I guess I get to decide what kind of show it is. Thats kind of the big scary thing about it is that I just don’t know where to go from here. You spend like literal decades of your life with only one desire and you withhold it from yourself that whole time and then when you get it you look around and realize that because you fucked around for so long you didnt bother to want any other things for your life. Obsessing over wishing I was a woman, now I am one (always was blah-blah-blah) and its like ok well that was easier than I thought, now what.

Obviously right now theres some ongoing story threads happening but they feel placeholder. The further mending of my relationship with my mom, but thats basically wrapped up at this point. There’s the semi serious fwb situation with a girl from out of town but I don’t see that storyline having legs, if it does I won’t be disappointed I guess, but I would be surprised. It started to quickly after my break up, I think the vulnerability I had at that time lead to the increased intimacy that we have now. And now I’m in an isolating state so I can’t be vulnerable with anyone knew. I had told myself I wanted to enter a hoe phase but it turns out I don’t have that energy rn. Maybe thats depression or being 30 or I just never had that in me. 

I just want the next season to be fun, I want it to be fruitful and full of artistry and joy and freedom. Thats where I should be pointing my compass. I’ve been focusing on work and money and that will work itself out. Im white passing, I’ll be fine. Visibly queer I guess, but thats part of the whole thing. I just need to work at a library. All my problems will be solved. 

OK I feel better. I’m gonna put this away. thanks

[papuhater]

𝐍𝐄𝐖 𝐌𝐀𝐆𝐈𝐂 𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐃 pt.i

𝘯𝘦𝘸 𝘮𝘢𝘨𝘪𝘤 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘤𝘩𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘪𝘤𝘭𝘦

pt.ii pt.iii pt.iv pt.v pt.vi pt.vii

a/n: hahaha riddler being obbsessive over bruce wayne's lover is brain food and i like writing dark fics, this is rushed cause ye.

pairing: bruce wayne x gn!reader, edward nygma x gn!reader

warnings: BIG yandere riddler moment rn, obsession, stalking, inspired on the song; new magic wand by tyler, the creator, not healthy relationships, guiltrip on edward's part, healthy relationship on bruce's side.

summary: riddler wants bruce wayne out of y/n's frame so he can be in their's, he misses them from the orphanage.

he had always hated how bruce wayne got everything he wanted, he got money and a house, he had a fucking mansion, edward had nothing, bruce wayne had everything he had ever wanted

he even had you.

edward loved you, he wasn't sure bruce wayne did.

bruce wayne didn't went through what you and edward went together,

bruce wayne didn't share a blanket with you on the cold nights of the orphanage,

but due to the antics of destiny, you and bruce wayne met, in your flower store and fell in love, after some time of dating he asked you to marry him.

he hated bruce wayne.

edward couldn't know how you two were together, you two were from different worlds; bruce wayne was a dark, corrupt, rich person.

you were purity made human, your kind eyes would welcome anyone, your hands could hold any heart and treat it like gold.

he wanted him out of your life, he was ruining you and your purity.

his fingers tapped against the keys, making a quick clicking noise, he was making a plan to finish bruce wayne with his followers, he was going to give him the most gruesome death ever possible.

a knock on the door pulled him out of his mind knots, edawrd stood up and walked over to the door, and when he opened it he met an angel,

in the orphanage, they always told him that angels would only exist in the heavens from above, they would sing for the chapels across the world with the most marvelous voice.

when he heard you sing in the choir, he knew you were an angel. when you would stay and make sure that all of the babies would survive the harsh winter. and you still did! you visit the orphanage, that damned building that never deserved having you, on a daily basis.

you would do even more than any politician in gotham, and he loved you because of your caring nature.

"hey ed, how are you feeling today?"

oh

your voice

he could listen to it in an endless loop, his heart soars every time you speak or even breathe near him, it was a perfect balance, a harmonious melody played through vocal cords for this rotten world, if he could just lock you away from everyone, and keep you like his little songbird,

that thought sent shivers down his spine.

"nothing much, just stressful work." he compulsively scratched the back of his neck "how about you?"

"good news, i actually am moving to bruce's house!" ...no

"what?"

"yeah, i'll stop being you roommate after years." no.

he knew you thought about him as your best friend, but he hoped that deep down, you didn't see him as only a friend, he hoped that you wanted him instead of bruce wayne.

"oh.." he morphed his shock into a sorrow, he knew you couldn't stand watching him be sad.

"what's wrong ed?"

"nothing just...i don't really like him."

"who?"

"bruce wayne." he scoffed as if that name carried the bitterest of the taste. he heard you sigh loudly, and then turned to look at him

"edward, you know i lo-"

"i know, ok?! it's just that he doesn't deserve someone like you, y/n! he's fucking trash-" he snapped

"that's for me to choose, edward!" you snapped back at him "if i want to date fucking trash, you just have to let me."

“but I don’t want you to date fucking trash!”

“edward, i’m a grown person, you are not my guardian, so you can not choose who i date or I don’t" you started massaging your temple "ed you are acting like a child, please just let me pick my things."

"but y/n-"

"no buts, edward." he was lightly pushed to a side, while they passed, he froze staring at the wall. you had packed some days ago, you had known this for a long time but you didn't tell him. what will happen in the future? will you lie about anything?

bruce wayne could ruin a lot of things,

but your friendship wasn't one of them, it was sacred.

"but y/n, you can't leave me alone!" he whined from the frame of your door.

"edward you are a grown man, i won't leave you alone" you turned around to face him "i'll continue to work at the flower store near the diner, don't worry, i'll see you in your work breaks."

but he wanted to say you every night, he would wait for you to fall asleep, and he would just watch you breathe every night, you looked ethereal; it wouldn't matter if your hair was a bird's nest when you woke up

you would still be his angel, but now

he wasn't very sure.

he huffed loudly, your eyebrow raised at him when you heard, with a carrion in hand you passed at his side.

"y/n you can't be serious."

"i am, ed, you can take care of yourself, goodbye, i'll call you later."

"bye, y/n, take care."

and just like that, you walked out of the door, after giving him a small side hug. his mask of easygoing and teasing slowly fell as his face morphed into the real disgusted one, you were so innocent....

you were going to see the real world,

even if it meant killing the man you supposedly love.

┊┊┊┊☆┊*🌙*┊☆┊┊┊┊

"honey!"

"darling.." bruce opened his arms and engulfed you in a hug, slitghly raising you, he took a whiff of your scent, and you smelled like home.

"are you ready to go?" he let go of you, and slightly smiled

"yes, i got all of my clothes." you signaled the carrion, he grabbed it and handed it to alfred.

"then let's go, darling." he opened the car's door and got in with you

"i'm excited bruce, i can't wait to see you everyday when i wake up." you smiled over at him and he swore his heart swooned.

his hand rested over yours, giving it a light squeeze and silence was enough for both of you, it screamed everything he wanted to say, but he couldn't find the way.

actions spoke even more than a million words could.

┊┊┊┊☆┊*🌙*┊☆┊┊┊┊

edward knew that actions spoke more than millions of words, so he was doing an action that would speak of his love and his devotion to you.

he announced to his followers that his next target was no one else than....

bruce wayne.

a/n: i wrote this while listening to this: https://youtu.be/CNrPALxuhYY

miranda! best band.

[winter-soldier-vibes]

Hey darling ❤️ love your writing 3000 :) can u do one with Bucky x reader (they’re together) where he overhears the reader on the phone with her parents that are emotionally & verbally abusive towards her (they always have been) and the reader has to explain it all to him afterwards even tho she’s having a panic attack (bc she’s afraid bucky will leave her since she has no one else to go to ??) and bucky comforts her and reassures her that he’s gonna be there for her and like comfort fluff? I live in an emotionally abusive and manipulative household rn and I tell you your fics are like an escape for me. Even if u don’t do this thank you from the bottom of my heart :)

Hey there, I love you 3000 ❤ I am so so sorry to hear about your situation, and while I'm glad to hear that my writing is an escape for you, I want you to know that I'm here for you. No one should have to go through what you described. I hope that this can bring you some comfort but please, I encourage you to reach out to someone who can help you. My DM's are open as well, you shouldn't face this alone. I'm here for you!!!

You owe them nothing

Bucky Barnes x reader

Word Count: 3200 (ish)

Warnings: emotional abuse/gaslighting, manipulation, parent issues, tears, angst, breakdown, fluff.

---------

You really tried to keep it hidden. It wasn’t something that everyone needed to know about.

Your parents loved you, at least that’s what they had said. But it was one of those things where you felt like it was for show - the kindness that they showed when you were around others faded away once you were alone with them.

You remember once they had said “of course I love you, I’m your parent!”

But that made you wonder how they would treat you if you weren’t theirs.

They were horrible to you for as long as you could remember. Gaslighting you and making you feel like you owed them something even though they were the ones who should have taken care of you.

They were around but never…there. They would be there for family dinners but they were always riddled with criticisms of grades and who you were talking to and how you dressed. All of your hobbies were seen as a waste of time, something you should only do when you had nothing else to do. School came first, naturally, but there was always something they told you you had to do before you could do anything for yourself.

Yet when you would complain about being depressed, they told you to get a hobby because you never do anything.

Tired meant lazy, energetic and passionate meant loud and annoying. When you were quiet they thought you had nothing to say, yet when you expressed your opinions you were told to shut up.

You couldn’t win.

You could never make them happy, there was always something you were doing wrong.

They thought it was their right to monitor who you talked to and saw, what you did outside of school, what sports you could join. When you would say no to the school dances or parties you would make up an excuse about not wanting to go or having work to do. Your friends would call you a buzz kill. Little did they know you would give anything to go.

Whenever you would do something wrong (or anything, period,), your parents would yell at you. They would curse you out, make you cry, only to yell at you for crying like a little bitch.

The older you got, the worse it was.

You thought when you moved out it would be better. But you had all these years of being told you were worthless and having them be your providers. When you got your own place you didn’t really have any friends, nor did you really know how to make friends. You had a job to help you get by, you could support yourself. That wasn’t the issue. You could support yourself, you always had to.

It was that you were so lonely.

You wanted friends but you were so afraid of the criticism you would get. You were afraid to make yourself known, because you were always taught that being told what to do and taught what to think was much more appealing than having your opinion.

But this was an opinionated world.

You were good at what you did, so good that you had gotten a job at S.H.I.E.L.D. You thought that would make you happy, more importantly that it would make your parents happy, but no such luck.

“I got a really great job, guys.”

“Fantastic. I guess you’re just doing so great without us,” they had snapped.

“What? I mean… this is what you wanted right? For me to get a good job?” you had said, confused.

You heard a loud sigh on the other end of the line. “Of course we do, what are you crazy about? Of course we wanted you to get a good job but you just deserted us like we were trash. Have we done nothing for you?”

You felt your heart sink in your stomach. ‘Of course you guys have, I love -”

“Don’t say what you don’t mean. If you really cared about us you’d be helping us out. You got a great job and probably have a huge paycheck that you hoard and you left us here to struggle to make ends meet.”

You took the phone away from your face temporarily to take a shaky breath. Of course they would go there with the salary, why wouldn’t they? All of your paychecks had gone to them, since it was their house and they were feeding you, leaving you with barely enough money for your car and gas and phone bills, only for them to suggest longer hours when you complained.

“I can help you guys out if you need,” you said, trying to keep your voice steady.

You heard an exasperated sigh on the other line again. “You really should be more grateful, you know? We raised you your entire life and then you leave us alone? You never even call us? You’re so fucking selfish.”

Then the line went dead.

You shook your head and felt tears in your eyes as you spoke to yourself. “Well maybe I would call you if it didn’t always yell at me.”

Of course, you would never say that.

See, it wasn’t so bad. You never said anything because they were only ever mean to you, which would make you uncomfortable. There were people out there that would get hit or who would have to raise themselves from a young age. Once you grew thick skin it wasn’t so bad, you were just being dramatic.

Right?

Your new job was fairly successful, you were fantastic at what you did. You did a lot of behind the scenes work, weapon repair and plans of action with missions. Not that they needed much help with that. Still, they took you in as their friends.

Well, as close as you would let them get to as friends.

It took a while before you warmed up to them. Everyone tended to keep to themselves, but not as much as you. You kept the parts of you hidden away - you were there for a job, you did it, and you did it well. You knew how to do your job but interacting with the team, making friends - you didn’t want to get emotionally attached.

Not like you knew how to make friends to begin with.

Naturally you were drawn to the quieter side of the team, once you were able to open up. They were all nice but sometimes the parties and the jokes were a bit much. You just didn’t want to say or do the wrong thing that would make you the punchline.

No one needed to know about you, or how you would spend your free time being yelled at through a phone with you trying to make it better. That wasn’t part of the job, so you shouldn’t bring it up.

It wasn’t like anyone would want to help. You were just a nuisance to everyone around you.

Right?

No one talked about their life before the team much. Not many people on the team had a great life before the Avengers first came together. Natasha or Wanda had once spoken about how this team was a family. And as much as you wanted to believe it, you helped the team. You weren’t a part of the team. So even if that were true, it didn’t include you.

At least, that was your point of view.

The team viewed you as a part of the team as much as any of them. You didn’t fight with them but you made sure everything would go as smoothly. You were kind and great at what you did, but they wished you would open up more. Of course, being a team of people who had trouble opening up, they understood.

Bucky was one of the ones who took a liking to you, mostly because he saw a lot of himself in you. He could tell there was something that you were trying to get past but weren’t quite able to yet. That there was something bothering but you wouldn’t dare say it for fear of bothering someone. You threw yourself into projects and distractions and from the way you carried yourself, he guessed you were avoiding something that you weren’t ready to work through. At least, not yet.

He knew that feeling too well.

The ex-assassin was one of the easiest for you to open up to because he didn’t expect much from interactions. Both of you were quiet and kept to yourselves that there wasn’t much pressure to share anything or say anything. You knew his past but would never bring it up unless he wanted to. Which eventually, he did. You could tell he felt pressure to be who he was before HYDRA took him, and while Steve was surprised he opened up to you first, you weren’t. Steve knew Bucky before everything, and you didn’t have that bias. He was whoever he was today regardless of who he was yesterday.

And Bucky found comfort in that.

You think you would’ve too, if you thought you deserved it enough to do the same.

See, you were worried that you were making everything worse than it really was. You worried that maybe you were being too sensitive or that what you had grown up with was normal. With everything that everyone on the team went through, a few insults from your parents was hardly anything. You were being dramatic.

There was nothing to be sad or angry about. You just had to get over yourself.

Right?

You were getting by until one night when your parents called, as they did on occasion. You were in the middle of working, so you ignored it. The phone went to voicemail before it started ringing again, and you ignored it, again. The third time you sighed and picked up your phone, turning away from your work.

You took a deep breath before you answered. “Hello?”

“What the hell is wrong with you?”

You closed your eyes and brought a hand to rub your head. “Well I’m doing fine, thank you, how are you?”

“Don’t give me that attitude. What the fuck are you doing? You’ve been ignoring our calls.”

You stood up to pace the floor slightly, dreading the conversation that was coming. Is it the ‘family is most important’ or the ‘where’s my money?’ speech today? “I’ve been working.”

“What, so work is more important than family now? Is that what this is? You don’t care about us?”

Family speech it is.

“Dad -”

“What if one of us was dying? Huh? Would that be important?”

“Stop it. No one is dying, and I was working. And I have more work to do, so I really have to go.”

“You don’t get to tell me what to do, I’m your father.”

Gaining confidence you gritted your teeth and snapped, “You know what? I’m an adult now so you can’t tell me what to do.”

There was silence on the other end of the line and you could practically hear the steam coming out of your father’s ears.

At some point Bucky had come down to your working space to check on you, seeing as it was nearly morning. He stopped in the doorway, and seeing you were busy on the phone he thought he would stop by later to give you some privacy. But he stopped when he heard you snap.

You never snap.

“Who do you think you’re talking to you ungrateful little bitch?”

“I’m talking to the people who treated me like shit my entire life and ask me for money when you wouldn’t give me the time of day for 18 fucking years.”

Even you couldn’t believe the words coming out of your mouth. But god did it feel good to say them.

“Are you fucking serious right now? We did nothing for you? What do you think we’ve been doing your whole life? We’ve done everything we did to help you be the best person you could be. You have that job now because of us and you have no right to speak to me that way.”

You chuckled darkly as you looked up at the ceiling, unaware of Bucky’s presence behind you. “My entire life all I’ve ever wanted to do was make you guys proud of me. But you know what? I’m fucking done. You hated me, gaslighted me, and made me hate myself almost as much if not more than you seemed to hate me.”

“I did no such thing you ungrateful -”

“You were supposed to love me and care for me, and all you did was take advantage of me. I’m not your child, I’m a paycheck. I don’t owe you anything because you gave me nothing. So you know what? FUCK. YOU.”

You hung up the phone and tossed it across the room, adrenaline taking over your body as you tried to stop shaking. Because a small part of you felt bad.

But fuck did that feel amazing.

You heard a throat clear behind you and you turned around to see Bucky, eyebrows furrowed in concern.

“You okay?”

You nodded nervously, rubbing the sides of your arms. “Yeah, I’m fine,” you said, unconvincingly. “How much, uh...how much did you -

“Enough,” he said, pushing himself off of the door frame as he crossed over to you. “Who was that?”

“Bucky, don’t, it’s really fine. I just got a little worked up.”

“Y/n,” he started, looking at you with concern. “Who were you talking to?”

“No one.”

“You don’t get upset like that at no one,” he took your hands in his. “Y/n, you're shaking.”

It was then that you realized your hands were still shaking, trying to keep the anxiety of what happened at bay.

It’s going to be so much worse now.

I can never talk to them again.

Is that a good thing? Didn’t I want that?

Bucky could sense you getting lost in your head. “Sweetheart, tell me what happened, please. I want to help you.”

You pulled your hands away from his and crossed your arms. “You can’t help me because there’s nothing wrong, okay? I handled it, it’s over. Done. nothing to worry about.”

“Y/n -”

“No really, there’s nothing you can do, okay?”

“Will you at least let me try?”

You looked at him, adrenaline starting to drain from your system. This was Bucky, your Bucky, who had never done anything but love and support you. He had never done anything to hurt you.

But what if he left you too?

You took in a sharp breath and curled in on yourself, a scared look on your face. Bucky crossed back over to you, seeing a scared look on your face.

“Hey, hey, y/n? Can you look at me?”

You brought your eyes up to meet his, feeling your chest constricting as you tried to keep your breathing even. It wasn’t working.

“I - I’m sorry, you shouldn’t… I’m fine really I’m sorry, I’m so sorry”

“Hey, it’s alright, it’s okay, you have nothing to apologize for,” he pulled you in for a hug and kissed the top of your head. “Let’s go sit down, okay?’

He led you over to your bed and you leaned forward, hands on your knees and head in your hands. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s happening, this - I’m sorry, it’s so stupid, I’m so stupid.”

Bucky rubbed a hand up and down your back, hushing you. “It’s not stupid. If it’s bothering you, it’s not stupid.” Bucky took a small breath. “Do you remember all of those times after nightmares and all those panic attacks you would walk me through? How I thought I was being stupid?”

“You weren’t being stupid”

“And neither are you.”

You took some more shaky breaths as tears kept falling down your face. “You’re okay. It’s alright, I’m right here.”

Bucky let you calm down, knowing you would talk about it if you wanted to. He wanted you to talk about it so he could help you (and hurt whoever upset you) but he wouldn’t force you into telling him anything you didn’t want to.

The two of you sat in the silence, Bucky looking at you with soft eyes as you kept your face hidden.

“I haven’t told you a goddamn thing about me. You ever wonder why?”

You looked over at Bucky, eyebrows creased with slight confusion.

“They said blood was supposed to be thicker than water. That family comes first, right? I spent my whole life listening to them and following them and being the perfect kid. I made myself into everything they wanted me to be. And it still wasn’t enough for them.”

Bucky tilted his head slightly. He hadn’t known his parents much before they died but he had always wanted to have more time. But he wasn’t oblivious to the fact that not everyone had good parents.

“You know, I remember thinking that once I made it they would be happy. That if I worked hard enough or went onto do great things that they would be proud of me. That’s all I ever wanted, you know?” you said, voice wavering as you let out a bitter laugh. “But it’s not, you know? Never is, never was, never will be. All they do is take and take and no matter how good I am they’re always gonna hate me because I can’t be perfect.”

“No one’s perfect, y/n.”

“Well that’s what they want me to be. I know I can’t be perfect so I know they’ll never be happy. That they’ll call me ungrateful and selfish for succeeding and for leaving them when they never wanted me to be there to begin with.” You felt tears spill over as you wiped them away. “And I’m ust so fucking done with being a disappointment to them and to everyone else.”

“Why didn’t you tell anyone?”

“I don’t know,” you said softly, not really wanting to be more vulnerable.

Bucky, sensing this was a time he could push you, challenged you. “I think you do.”

You shook your head. “I didn’t want anyone to see me the way they did. I thought what they said wasn’t true but...I just thought that maybe I was overreacting. Other people have it worse you know - some people have no parents or some have it so much worse. Mine just yell at me you know? Tell me everything’s my fault and that they wish they’d never had me. That I’m ungrateful for not being with them and that I owe them. I just...I heard that for the first 18 years of my life. I didn’t need any more of it.”

“y/n, that’s…” he swallowed, trying to contain his anger. “That’s not normal. No one should have to go through that. You can’t possibly think you're a bad person.”

Your shrug was enough to tell him that you did.

“Y/n, I don’t know who your parents think they are but you don’t owe them a damn thing. You may be related to them but you have no obligation to love your parents if they treat you like that. You have every right to be angry or to hate them. It doesn’t make you a bad person to be angry with someone who hurt you.”

“But they’re my family.”

“Well they didn’t treat you like it. You have us now, you don’t need them anymore. We’re your family. And we’re not gonna leave you.”

“They didn’t leave me Bucky, I left them.”

“You can’t leave someone who was never there for you.”

----------

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[honeypiehotchner]

My Deep Blue Love (Tom Hiddleston x Fem!Reader) -- Soulmate AU one shot

This was 100% born out of boredom and loneliness and those damn Soulmate AU POV Tiktoks that I have seen practically 24/7 for the past WEEK on my fyp

(I’m not sure if I’ll do a part 2, rn I have no plans for it)

quick note on the technicality of this one: you lose all ability to see colors when you turn 12 and you don’t regain the ability until you meet your soulmate. but! you have to meet them in person and it has to be a mutual eye contact. pictures/videos of them don’t work, and if you just saw the back of their head or something in person, that doesn’t work either. it’s all about the shared eye contact babeyyy

small disclaimer: Brie Larson is mentioned in here and she has a wife, but that is very much only in this fic, and as far as i know Brie doesn’t have a wife irl lol (i also don’t know if she’s spoken about her sexuality at all so what i’m saying is take it with a grain of salt ok)

Summary: Everyone around you is meeting their soulmate, but you still see in black and white. You’re ready to give up, and basically have, when you lock eyes with your soulmate.

Warnings: None! Just a bit of angst, lots of fluff toward the end 

You knock on your mom’s bedroom door at 4:58am. She’s already awake, sitting up in bed, ushering you over.

With tears in your eyes, you crawl onto her bed, snuggling close to her chest.

“I don’t want to lose my colors,” you whimper.

“I know, baby,” she whispers, kissing the top of your head. “It’s okay.”

You were born 12 years ago on this day at 5:08am, so in a few short minutes, when you officially turn 12 years old, all color will drain from your life.

Or the colors could stay, but that’s only if you’ve somehow already met your soulmate. And that’s rare, nearly impossible.

You squeeze your eyes shut at 5:07 and you don’t open them again until 5:10.

The colors are gone.

+++

twenty years later

You sigh heavily as you receive yet another wedding invite. You are invited to witness the official beginning of Olivia and Jeffrey’s lives together as husband and wife, soulmates for all of time.

The glitter sticks to your fingertips, tiny black dots against your skin. Your friend told you it’s gold. You barely remember what that looks like.

Lately it seems like everyone has been meeting their soulmate. Just yesterday, you were having coffee with a friend when she looked up at the girl sitting behind you, and boom.

“It’s like the world just exploded,” she had said. Colors were everywhere. She immediately left you to go talk to the girl.

You don’t blame her for that. If you had met your soulmate, you probably would’ve done the same thing. But you can’t say for sure because you don’t know.

You wouldn’t be so cynical of it all if your boyfriend of five years didn’t meet his soulmate while the two of you were out at dinner. You wish you could say that he was faking it. But it was clear from his face (and the girl’s) that he wasn’t kidding. It was real. He had met his soulmate, and it wasn’t you.

It’s never you.

You’ve had guys cut off dates before they even start, all because they didn’t see colors when they laid their eyes on you. They refuse to even be friends with you.

All anyone is doing anymore is searching for a soulmate and it’s exhausting when none of them are yours. When all of your friends see color now. When everyone assures you that it’ll happen soon. What does soon even mean?

You grab your ice cream from the freezer and fall onto the couch, flicking to whatever channel has late night shows that aren’t complete garbage.

As usual, you find yourself watching a talk show, and tonight Tom Hiddleston is one of the guests.

You’re sort of familiar with him from a few movies, but other than that, you hardly know anything about him.

“So, Tom, we’ve all been wondering what’s going on with you and Brie Larson?”

“Brie?” Tom asks, clearly shocked to hear this question. “We’re just good friends, that’s all.”

“Oh, she doesn’t make you see any colors?”

“Ah, no, actually, she does not,” Tom chuckles, but doesn’t sound sad at all, surprisingly. “Her wife does that for her, not me, I’m afraid.”

“Oh really?” The host brushes past the mention of Brie’s wife and keeps the focus on Tom, of course. “So is that true, you still don’t see color?”

Your ears perk up at the mention of someone else not seeing in color. It’s rare for anyone to talk about this on television. Most celebrities don’t talk about whether or not they’ve found their soulmate, but more often than not, those that have are quite loud about it.

“Yes, that’s true,” Tom answers. “I still see the world in a lovely black and white.”

You snort, harshly jabbing your spoon into your ice cream. Lovely. Yeah, right.

“Do you really think it’s nice? Do you not miss the colors?” The host asks.

“No, no, I do. I do,” Tom admits. “But I like to think I’ll see them when the time is right.”

You groan, going to Google to look up his age. And when you see he’s 40, you groan even louder. He’s older than you and he still hasn’t met his soulmate. That’s just depressing. How can he sound so optimistic?

“Alright, well, if there’s one thing you wish you could tell your soulmate, what would it be? Maybe they’re watching right now, you never know.”

Tom smiles wide. “Maybe, maybe, um… Oh, so many things,” Tom exhales deeply. “I guess I could be cliché and say I can’t wait to meet them and wait for me, but I think I want to say… I think I want to say I understand. It is frustrating, still seeing in black and white, but our paths will cross soon, I’m sure of it. Until then, my eyes are blue.”

Blue. Blue.

You roll your eyes. You don’t even remember what the color looks like.

+++

seven months later

“I am not going to a movie premiere. You’re insane!”

“Please!” Your friend, Catherine, cries. “You’ll love it, I swear.”

You glare at her over your coffee. “That just makes it sound like you have a trick up your sleeve.”

“I don’t,” she says. “I just want you to take advantage of this and come with us! When will you ever have the chance to go to a movie premiere again?”

She has a point. Dammit. “Touché. How did you get tickets, anyway? Please tell me you didn’t spend thousands for this.” You wouldn’t put it past her, even though you tell her not to every time before she does something like this.

“God, no, Joe surprised me with them earlier. He said he went to school with the lead.”

“Oh. Cool. Who?”

“Tom Hiddleston, I think. Have you heard of him? He’s British, but that’s about all I know. Joe just said they ran into each other the other day and reconnected.”

You stop halfway through a sip of coffee, careful to not choke on it. Slowly, you nod. “Yeah. I...I’ve seen him in a couple things.”

“Apparently, he hasn’t met his soulmate either…” Catherine trails away, raising her eyebrows at you.

You roll your eyes. “I heard,” you set your cup down. “He’s probably met them by now though since he blasted it on television like that.”

“Or he’s still searching and you’re still being too cynical.”

“You’re probably right,” you chuckle.

“Sooo, you’ll come?”

You sigh heavily. “As long as you help me pick something to wear.”

+++

“I’m regretting letting you talk me into this already,” you mutter when you nearly trip in your heels.

“Oh, hush,” Catherine swats your arm. “It’s an excuse to get dressed up and look hot for no reason. Take it.”

“Fine.”

Catherine’s soulmate, Joe, was whisked away almost as soon as the three of you stepped inside the venue by some director (you think), but he promised to return in a few minutes. Catherine told him not to worry. She’s used to him being dragged away for conversation. You can see from her face that she’s more proud of him than anything, and not at all annoyed.

Currently, you and Catherine are standing near the small bar, waiting for them to announce that it’s time to take your seats. You desperately want a drink, but part of you knows it would be a bad idea.

One glass of wine can’t hurt, though. Maybe it’ll take your mind off the pain in your feet.

You peel away from Catherine when you see Joe coming back, and you flag the bartender down quickly.

After ordering a glass of white wine, you wait patiently, wishing you had chosen a dress with sleeves. It’s fucking cold in here.

“Darling, you’re shivering, are you alright?”

Your head turns toward the smooth voice, face set and mind trying to decipher whether or not it was a sincere or creepy comment when the world quite literally explodes.

There, standing beside you, concern written all over his face, is Tom Hiddleston. Only now the concern has washed away into awe when your eyes lock with his.

“Oh my god,” he whispers, stumbling even though he’s standing in place.

“Blue,” you murmur. “Your eyes are blue.” Without even thinking or asking, your hand lifts to cup his cheek, and then you pull back, “Shit, sorry—”

But he grabs your wrist gently, placing your palm on his cheek. “It’s alright.” His thumb strokes the back of your hand. “I have been looking everywhere for you.”

“I thought you didn’t exist,” you whisper in reply. But here he is. His eyes are blue, his lips are pink, he has tiny brown freckles all over his rosy cheeks. You look back to his eyes, narrowing your own. “You liar. Your eyes have green in them, too.”

“Do they really?” Tom chuckles. “I never would’ve known.”

“That’s why you have me,” you tease, and you don’t know where any of this is coming from, yet it doesn’t feel like you’re pretending. It feels like you’re finally yourself.

His other hand tangles with yours as he nods. “That’s why I have you, indeed.”

At this time, the lights in the theatre begin lightly flashing, signaling that it’s time for everyone to begin making their way to their seats.

But neither you or Tom move one inch.

The only issue is people are beginning to stare.

You notice it first, so you slowly pull your hand from his cheek. This movement shocks him back to reality, too, and he blinks a few times, yet he doesn’t let go of your hand.

“I, um, I have to make a speech,” he says. “But then I can come back to you. Will you save me a seat?”

“Don’t you have to sit up front?”

He nods. “I do, but—”

“Then I’ll come with you.” You aren’t sure if it’s the fact that he hasn’t let go of your hand yet, or if it’s because you’ve been waiting so long that now you don’t want him to be further than an arms length away from you, but you mean what you say.

“Are you sure?” He asks, but you both need to make a decision quickly because you can see someone waving from the wings, most likely trying to get Tom’s attention.

“I’m sure.”

He doesn’t question it, in fact, he grins, and brings your hand up to his lips, kissing your knuckles. “Let’s go, then.”

[lxngbottom]

A Cold Night | N.L

in which the reader is best friends with neville, & she swore he would ask her to the yule ball. she is forced to go alone without anyone’s knowledge.

warnings: just angst honestly, & swearing

word count: 1,575

im watching gof rn by myself & i just came up with this randomly so enjoy!

—

y/n y/l/n sat in the (now) glamours great hall. kids her age, younger, & older, laughed as they all danced. everyone was dressed in formal attire, even y/n herself who was never too keen on getting dressed up. whispers broke out when people saw her, saying how beautiful she looked. but, the look on her face contrasted from her baby blue dress. it was one filled with envy, and spite for the ginger girl that danced in the green dress.

y/n brought the bottle once again up to her lips, discreetly. the bottle was filled with muggle alcohol, as she knew it would be the only way to get her through the night.

she watched as neville smiled, laughed with ginny. they looked to be having the time of their life. and as much as y/n wanted to be happy for him, she couldn’t bring herself to be. her whole being was filled with rage, and the worst part was; it was beginning to become noticeable.

y/n looked over, and saw harry and ron with their dates, sitting down. they looked just as bored as she did. she looked around once more, her eyes landing on hermione and her Bulgarian man. she smiled lightly, happy that at least her girl best friend was having a good night. hermione had never glowed so much since y/n had known her, and it brought some serenity.

but, she thought about the conversation that had occurred between them, just a few days before this:

“y/n! the yule ball is in three days and you’re telling me that you still don’t have someone to go with?!” hermione exclaimed, her face filled with concern for her friend.

“don’t remind me, mione’. please.” y/n responded, plopping down onto her bed. she looked down at her fingers, remembering that neville had told her, seamus, and dean that he was going with ginny weasley.

“well... there must be someone!”

hermione began to think to herself, surely not wanting y/n to go all by herself. that would be completely unacceptable in her book. “i don’t think ron or harry have a date yet. maybe you could ask one of them! i’m sure they wouldn’t mind.” hermione suggested.

y/n shook her head, “they’re going with the twins...”

hermione sighed, a feeling of guilt penetrating her chest. “well... is there anyone specifically that you would want to go with?”

the question made y/n’s heart snap, as yes, there was someone she had in mind. neville longbottom. her best friend since first year. she assumed that neville would just ask her, and of course she wouldn’t have declined. she had fancied the Herbology loving boy since the second she laid eyes on him, and three years later, that still hadn’t changed.

when neville had informed her that he was escorting ginny, she had lied to him and said that she had a date as well. but, of course, she just didn’t want to look like a pathetic fool in front of him.

“yeah, actually. i’ll ask them tomorrow and let you know, hermione.” y/n responded, earning another small smile from the dirty blonde.

“great! there’s no way they would turn you down!”

but when the next day came, there wasn’t another person. y/n had lied once again, just to not seem pathetic in front of one of her close friends. she had even told hermione that the imaginary boy said yes, and that she was very excited to being attending the ball with him.

y/n took another swig of the bottle, her eyes still not leaving neville and ginny. maybe it was the effects of the alcohol, but y/n felt as if her emotions were about to burst right from her chest. she imagined a scenario where she slammed the bottle on the ground, grabbing everyone’s attention, and just storming out to leave everyone in question.

but, of course she couldn’t do that. she didn’t want to ruin other people’s nights.

time seemed to go by quickly, and y/n’s anger was quickly replaced with sadness. she looked down at her dress, hating it. she felt as if she had just wasted her time coming.

tears brimmed her eyes, and she quickly stood up to storm out. she did so whimpering, trying her best to hold back tears.

when she met the cold night, it nipped at her nose, causing a single tear to slip down her face. she quickly took her heels off, the alcohol making it increasingly difficult to walk in them without stumbling.

she looked around a few times, just to make sure no one was present. when she realized she was alone, she let out a small sob.

it wasn’t fair. it just wasn’t fair. y/n swore that neville would be the one to take her, and that she would be the one on the dance floor laughing with him. but, the world doesn’t always work in our favor. she took another swig, and continued to cry to herself.

by the time the bottle was empty, y/n was drunk. she began to see doubles, and knew that it was time to just to turn in for the night. there was no real reason to even be here. not now, or even in the first place. she had no idea why she even decided to come.

as she began walking towards the staircase, letting her drunk mind consume her, a familiar voice called out for her,

“y/n!”

she turned her head, and her heart broke once more when she saw the person in question. he looked so handsome.

“what, neville?” she responded angrily, just simply wanting to disappear from his sight.

he looked her up and down, noticing her makeup running, and the empty bottle in her hands.

“where are you going? and, why are you crying?” he asked concerned, stepping closer to her. her breath hitched as he did so, and he began to put the pieces together of what he thought was going on. “merlin... did your date dump you? i’m so sorry, y/n. ginny and i—“

“no.” she interjected, “he didn’t dump me.”

neville’s eyebrows furrowed out of pure confusion, “oh, well then... why are you leaving? you seem really upset.” the boy moved some hair from her shoulder, secretly taking in how beautiful she looked. runny mascara and all.

“yes, neville. i’m upset. i’m glad you noticed...” she slurred out.

neville’s face dropped, “are you...” he began, still trying to out the pieces together, “are you drunk, y/n?”

y/n chuckled spitefully, her emotions being the only thing driving her at the moment. “yeah, neville. i’m drunk. i’m very drunk, actually.”

he noticed the edge in her tone, the anger. what was going on with her?

“y/n... you know you can talk to me, right? we’re friends.”

y/n laughed once again, this time, taking a hair clip from her hair and tossing it on the floor. “yeah, whatever, longbottom. just go back in. your date is probably waiting for you.”

neville was completely lost. y/n never acted like this towards him.

“y/n, seriously. what in the bloody hell is wrong with you, tonight? where is your date?”

finally, y/n broke.

“i don’t have one.” she spoke, her voice cracking. “i lied to you. i lied to every one of you.” she stepped closer to him, “i came here... alone.”

“what?” he questioned, “why—why would you lie, y/n?”

her fists clenched from his question. was neville really that oblivious? could she have not made it anymore obvious to him all these years?

“because... the person i wanted to go with, was already going with someone else.”

neville’s eyes softened, and he smiled. “y/n... you still could’ve found someone. i mean, look at me. somehow i managed to get a date and—“

“just fuck off, longbottom. okay? just leave me the fuck alone!”

his jaw dropped, and he started to reconsider ever word he had just spoken. what did he say that made her so angry?

y/n began to turn around and walk away, but neville grabbed her arm before she could move any further. “y/n, just talk to me. i just wanna know what’s going on, and why you lied about having a date. i won’t judge you or—“

“merlin’s beard, neville! you can be such an oblivious git sometimes!” she spat at him, yanking her arm away from his hold.

his chest tightened from her words. is that really how she felt about him? after all these years... she saw him just like everyone else did?

“i wanted—“ she started, scared to speak, but at the same time needing to, “i wanted to go with you!”

neville’s face contorted into a shocked one from her yelling,

“i lied because you were going with ginny, and i wanted you to ask me! i honestly, truly thought that you would ask me as a matter of fact! i didn’t care about finding another date because i was convinced that you would take me!”

neville didn’t know how to respond. all he could do was focus on her trembling voice, and the way tears continuously rolled down her face.

“y/n—“

“but it doesn’t matter anymore, right? cause you’re with ginny and i’m just simply leaving! so... have a fantastic night!”

and with that, she dashed away from him. a trail of tears and whimpers leaving with her. neville stood there, shocked, confused, worried.

of course he had wanted to ask her. he just didn’t know how.