#i just want people to know they're okay anf valid

[ryuukenden4]

Do What Makes You Happy

(Okay fair warning, this is a very long post with some seriously personal stuff in it.)

I know I don't usually open up on here, but I think it's time I finally do it to get it off my chest. This has been a topic I often find myself thinking about. It usually makes me feel really shitty when I do, but I don't ever talk about it with anyone. I think I need to let all of my thoughts air, even if no one listens.

This post is about "cringe culture." Basically, judging someone for something they love. Not criticizing or internally judging, but shaming. This is a topic that sits badly with me on both ends of the spectrum. I both have judged people and been judged, and both sides feel bad.

Let's start off with why I'm even making this post. I've thought for a long time about myself and the stuff I enjoy. I know it isn't normal, and I know a lot of people in my age group can't relate. I love anime, it's been an outlet for me and my weird fantasies (like dragons and swords, not the other kind) for almost 10 years now. Video games are some of my lifeblood even though I guess gamer girls don't exist?? I immensely love making characters, fan and original. Fictional characters are my cornerstones where real people (usually) tend to fall flat. Let me elaborate.

Anime has helped me cope with many difficult things over the years. It helps me connect with family and friends. It gives me a creative outlet for not just drawing and writing, but thinking. Even cliché anime always make me see the world in new ways, and I love it for that. It's helped me develop myself and my style for such a long time that I can't imagine being parted from it any time soon.

From anime especially comes my love of fictional characters. I have always loved them (my first favorite characters were Jim Hawkins and Bilbo Baggins, and I'll never forget that fact about myself), but that love became intensified as I grew older. I don't necessarily see myself in them, but I enjoy getting to know them. It's almost a personal connection with the characters. My favorites are almost always established from their introductions because something with them and me just...clicks. Even if I have no clue who or what they are, there is something there I feel. Like they're an old friend or something. They make me feel not alone, as strange as that sounds. Like for instance, take Mirio, my current muse on here. His sunshiney personality and goofy nature brighten my day. His selfless nature and general goodness make me strive to be a better person. As soon as he was introduced, I knew he was gonna be one of my favorites, I could just tell. He feels like a friend to me, and I really feel a connection with him.

Moving from characters, video games have allowed me to explore new worlds and escape the mundanenss of our own. I'm not trying to sound deep, but having a way to escape this life for a little while is nice. The interactiveness of video games is so wonderful, and it really feels like I'm shedding myself and becoming someone else for a spell. I especially love games that either have an awesome protags who is loveable and you root for them, or ones that you create your own character and save the world.

Which brings me to my last and most sensitive topic; my characters. I have made characters since I was able to. From my warrior cats to my anime side characters all the way up to my completely original ones, my characters have always had an influence on me. Rarely do I make self-inserts, but when I do they are versions of me I wish I was. (My first warrior cat was pretty much me as a cat, I'll admit. And my first anime OC was also loosely based off me.) But I have come so far with them from what I used to do. Now my characters all have their own lives and I'm just telling their stories. Yes this sounds cheesy, but I hear that this is what makes a good character. When you sit down and "chat" with them and they are separate from you. I don't want to say none of my recent characters are like me, because obviously new characters are still forming from MY brain, but I do my best to develop them like functional, separate people and not fictional versions of me. And yes, often I do end up shipping my characters with other characters (my own or canon), but I never make it about me. It's about two fictional characters that are fun to imagine going to see a horror movie or taking a walk or cuddling under the stars.

As much as I love all of this, I'm terrified to talk about my interests with others. This post has been extremely hard to write so far, but I'm forcing myself to do it so I can finally be at peace with my negative thoughts. I find it hard to talk with others for fear of being labeled "weird" or "cringey." And it's not even that I mind their comments, I mind and worry about what they DON'T say. I always get nervous talking about stuff with people because I worry they're silently judging me. And sure, I understand what I do isn't everyone's cup of tea (nor do I expect that literally at all, especially shipping OCs and canon characters). I just worry it actually affects how people view ME as a person from what I like. That's why I hide my interests in my pysche, I try to avoid making others uncomfortable with me, even if I feel uncomfortable hiding myself. It all stems from my lack of self-confidence and fear of being hated. Judging and being judged are very stressful things to undergo, especially for someone not happy with who they are 90% of the time.

I mentioned earlier I've experienced both ends of this. So let me discuss. I had a very judgmental mindset of people for a long time based upon what they liked. I judged people hardcore for liking things that were ridiculous to me. I never said it to them, but my thoughts were mean and malicious. Looking back on myself for that, I find it disgusting, and I'll be the first to say I was wrong. I honestly think my spitefulness stemmed from my own bad experiences I'll describe later. What people like doesn't usually harm me in anyway, and so what makes me the one who dissuades them from doing what they love? I am a devout Christian, and one of my life-changing takeaways from those experiences was to step back and let God be the judge. My judgment ultimately means nothing to someone's life, and so they should be allowed to do as they please and God can decide if it's wrong or right at the end. Again I say, if it makes you happy, DO IT.

On the other end, I have been ridiculed for what I like. It's been little things like disparaging comments from family members or even anon hate (old Tumblr accounts now deactivated). I still remember my worst experience was on a platform called Flipnote Hatena. Basically, you drew little animations, often to music, flipbook-style on your DSi and posted them for others to see. I made a Flipnote for my Spyro fan character (very much a self insert...I was like 10) and Spyro to the song "Listen to Your Heart." I was so proud of my work, and it was my best yet. I posted it, not expecting much, as my stuff wasn't very popular. Then I got a notification for a comment. I was so happy to see what someone said, praising my art. Turns out it was another user telling me I was wrong for shipping my dragon and Spyro because he only loved HER character. She peppered in death threats and told me to kill myself. She proceeded to make Flipnotes about wanting to fight and kill my main avatar (my warrior cat at this point) to prove she deserved Spyro. Obviously I was distraught. I just wanted to share my love for Spyro and what I thought was my best animation, and I got told to die and threatened to be killed all for what I enjoyed doing. I know nothing would have come of it in hindsight, but being a 10 year old, that really scarred me. I caved and deleted my Flipnotes with said characters and never posted them again. I let that person win, and erased a portion of myself from my heart.

This is the event that usually makes me question if what I'm doing is "okay." I get bouts of negative thoughts toward myself and my "weirdness." I find myself wanting to delete all my characters and writings and everything. I tell myself what I'm doing is wrong, and it would make so many people angry and mean if I posted it. And then I tell myself I don't NEED to post it to be happy. I don't need validation on my stuff. I don't need fans of my characters or for people to ship my couples. I just need someone to affirm I'm okay, that I'm not wrong. I need someone to tell me "if it makes you happy, do it." I need to be reminded I'm also a person with feelings that matter. I'm uncomfortable deleting all of my hard work. I'm angry for deleting that character I put hours of research and thought into. I'm mean when I think of someone being so bothered by what a stranger does that they have to verbally abuse them for it. That's why I'm extending that for anyone listening. If you need to hear this, you are valid. If it makes you happy, please do it. Know that someone out there is rooting for you. I am 100% behind you.

That old show you watched with your middle school best friend? Watch it and relive some great memories! That cute idea you have for a scenario between your Naruto OC and Kakashi? Draw it, it's probably super cute! That idea for a for a story based solely upon platonic love and not romantic? Hell yeah, we need more of that content!

Basically, do whatever makes you you. True happiness seems like it's becoming hard to find nowadays, so if you find it, hold onto it. Never change for what you expect people want from you, and that doesn't just extend to hobbies. Be your awesome self. One day, someone will come along who loves what you do too, or will love you for being you. :)

Do what makes you happy.

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

I'm very upset with the leaks and hope they're fake. In my playthrough, Kenny died at the end of S2, and Kate and Gabe were alive at end of S3. Bringing Kenny back and killing everyone off in Richmond except Javi is honestly disrespectful to all players whose choices don't match with that. Also, please don't show us the Ericson kids, I love them to death but I don't want to see them be ruined too. If this game does happen, I hope it's just an AU scenario. If it's canon, I feel kinda... betrayed?

[putting these asks together because they have a similar answer]

Y’know what’s kind of funny but like, not a humorous funny?

I’m always complaining that the games seem to just throw away the Wellington ending but if this whole thing is actually true, then wouldn’t that end up rendering every ending except the Wellington ending meaningless? Since it’s the only ending that has Kenny’s fate left unknown?

I wanted them to properly acknowledge the Wellington ending, not make it the solid canon! 

The whole point of these games is that there isn’t just ONE solid canon. Every choice is technically canon the second the player makes the choice. It’s ALL canon, good and bad. And unless they’re ready to explain how Kenny survived the car accident that threw him out the window, paralyzed him, AND caused him to be eaten alive by walkers, then they have to completely scrap that choice and basically say “Well, going with Kenny isn’t actually the real canon.”

There is no real canon, dingdong. Everyone has their personal canon.

This applies to the whole series!

My canon has Kenny leaving Clementine and AJ at Wellington, Javi and Clem go after David and Gabe, saving their lives but at the cost of Kate’s life, Clementine and Louis are together, Violet’s blind, and Tenn’s dead. That’s my canon, but it’s not the only canon. My canon isn’t more valid than anyone else's, nor is it less valid. 

Like, I get it. 

If we’re actually doing this, if these leaks are true, then it makes sense that they’d want to wipe a clean slate for Javi. Y’know what? Fine. If you want to make Javi the main playable character again, but make it a completely different type of game, fine. If that means killing everyone off in Richmond, including Javi’s potential lover, nephew, or brother, fine. 

But you know what you don’t have to do? 

You don’t have to bring Kenny back, and you don’t have to bring Clementine back. 

Clementine got her happy ending. Leave it alone. You’re just stepping into a hornet nest by messing with s4′s ending and all of our canons. Hell, you’re already stepping into one with the ANF endings. 

I mean, you’re telling me that I went through all the trouble of saving my boy Conrad at every possible chance, as well as saving Gabe and David, only for it to be meaningless? 

I’ll be honest, the only way I can see this working is if they don’t touch Ericson.

While I don’t like it, I’m more forgiving of them messing with ANF since that whole thing was a clusterfuck, but s4 is the best season of the bunch and had a good, happy ending. It wasn’t perfect, but it left Clementine in a good place. Don’t touch it. Don’t make ANYTHING about s4 “officially canon” because that’ll only do more harm for your game than good. 

Also, I want to add that I know all these asks I’m answering have a more negative tone to them rather than positive, but that’s just because I’m worried about this actually being true, we actually get this game with Javi and Kenny, and then certain choices will be tossed aside and that’ll start shit. I don’t want shit to be started, we already have enough with certain people picking fights over “canon.”

Truth be told, I would be excited to have another game with Javi, even if I have to sacrifice everything that happened in ANF as long as my ending is still valid. There’s always a chance for a community to fall with little to no survivors. There’s always a chance to lose everyone and everything. 

Fine. 

Just be smart about it, okay? Don’t go in and do more harm than good for this series that means so much to all of us.