#i just want to lay in bed and not be percieved or interacted with for at least the same amount of days 😫

[zevrans]

.

[bishiglomper]

I had a MHA dream. Makes sense, I was binging a bit yesterday. Dream brain is calling me tf out on my crush on All Might. 😂

So I was hanging around some of the characters. I noticed pretty much right away that.. I wasn't really acknowledged. So I just puppy followed Deku or All Might around. I didn't want to address whatever situation landed me there so I ignored it to just observe. Lol

But at some point I saw my sister there. A few of them were outside, doing or discussing something..

Now the weird part was I could physically interact with people- they just didn't seem to realize that I was. Like I remember just holding Deku's hand and him chattering away at whoever he was already talking to.

And at another point I guess I needed a ride because I got him to give me a piggy back ride. Which he still didn't acknowledge that he was doing. So that as odd. Comforting to my anxiety though lol

Kid went right up to All Might while toting me which made me nervous 'cause I super like him, and "what if he can see me?!" But no he just smiled at Deku. I was relieved. Yet disappointed. 😅

So anyway. I saw my sister hanging around. So I started poking at her, squishing her cheeks to get her to look at me all "Hey! Can you see me?"

At first it was like trying to ignore a distracting child but then she saw me like "oh, hey". She told me I was a little translucent. I tried to explain that nobody could percieve me and for some reason making her notice me was really draining.. I got fatigued.

There were a few more scenes of me just being there.

At some point All Might was driving the two of us. I had a big tub of popcorn. My brain insinuated that we made it a habit to go on dates where we'd hit a game or something and get a big tub of popcorn. Which is weird because A) I would never get popcorn for myself, B) I highly doubt a man without a stomach should be eating popcorn and C) I'm not into sports so wtf. But alright. (I mean, quirk driven sports might be cool actually)

I actually sat there in the passenger seat and asked if he should be eating popcorn but I still wasnt being perceived. So I just sat there and quietly munched on it while we drove.

I guess I managed to break through a bit by that night though. Because All Might was chilling on a futon and I was napping on the floor beside it. I was Fatigued like I was forcing perception and just kinda drifting in and out.

I guess I was feeling snuggly because I wanted to be closer to All Might. So I snuggled as close as I could get to the corner of his futon, pretty much resting my face on it, wrapped in my comforter. All Might was sitting up, reading or something. So I just tried to sleep.

After snuggling in closer I was thinking I want his hand on my head. A few moments after that, I did feel his huge warm hand on my head. But instead of just an affectionate caress or something he was just straight up petting me. Smoothing over bangs I haven't had in a decade. 😂 But like, whatever. It was lovely. 💕

Some more drifting and I vaguely register him get up. Went to the restroom or to get ready for bed or something. And I'm like. I wanna hold his hand. And dorky pathetic me was struggling getting the courage to just slip my hand up there and hope he takes it.

So he comes back. And sees I'm kinda awake but just smiles at me in greeting but doesnt say anything. Just goes back to reading.

So then I'm laying there like Wtf IS our relationship anyway??

So I just kind of do the asl sign for "friend" (cause I'm too shy for words, leave me alone) which is clasping pointer fingers together, and switching and doing it again. With this puzzled look on my face. He sits up, kneeling, and looks at me like he's thinking. Makes a 'trying to figure something out' face.

Then he looks up and hesitantly offers 👉👌 with this slightly sheepish expression.

....

And inside I'm like "WE'RE WHAT!?" Just sitting there frozen in shock and embarrassment.

Because mentally I may want to snuggle this man like a koala but I'm still very asexual, even in my dreams, thank you very much. 🤣

I'm pretty sure it was a case of, you know, when you whisper and the person replies automatically also in a whisper. I think it was like he didnt know any better sign for "dating", which, conciously, I dont either, so. Next best universal sign I guess. 🤣

Honestly I'm more aegosexual, and if there was an exception, I mean... maybe. 👀

But anyway. The next step in this conversation would have been actual words to communicate; also I was already scheming my next move which would be to climb into his futon and cuddle him but I started to wake up at this point. 😒 Damn.

[hoseokisamood]

BTS as types of yanderes

Note: I’m reposting this because it was deleted? in the Tumblr purge. Sorry about that. Have a nice christmas everyone!

I’m writing this as a reference and also because it’ll clear up why I chose to write certain people the way that I did.

Jin:

very much the overbearing type

obsessed with the idea of perfection

had loving parents growing up, and wants to have the same joy as them (or alternatively, you can pretend he had a bad family growing up and wants a perfect one to fix the ache inside)

connects his fantasy of having the perfect wife to the fantasy of having the perfect family

husband material

tl;dr he finds the image of having a pretty, obedient wife and perfect children very satisfying and almost arousing

controlling in a passive matter

expects to be listened to and finds disobedience distasteful

the end result of the relationship is marriage. period.

s/o cannot leave or do anything to disrupt the fantasy that jin wants

prefers emotional manipulation but is willing to become physical as another aspect of being the perfect husband (strong and dominant)

RM:

attracted to a strong personality and physically fit individual (a sign of mental fortitude)

the kind of person to very much fixate on the idea of s/o being the only one, no one else is even an option after finding them

sexual arousal is connected to tense interactions with s/o; aka he gets turned on from them feeling frightened or angry

he likes strong personalities because he considers himself a fantastic dominant and he likes the challenge of subduing someone who wouldn’t normally be subdued

not as attached to the idea of the perfect relationship as jin but nonetheless, he wants the outside world to think that he and s/o are a loving couple

wouldn’t hesitate to take away electronics or communication devices

his weakness is other men talking to his s/o

Suga:

s/o is his. he said so, so they are. that’s the end of the story.

doesn’t feel the need to constantly give affection as a method of keeping his s/o; he feels that they should just be with him regardless

the least likely to care about the wants and needs of his s/o

not out of a lack of empathy for s/o but rather he genuinely feels that his desires are above theirs

no qualms about locking s/o up or chaining them to his bed/wall

if all in and all fails and s/o doesn’t act the way he wants, he’s fine with emotionally tormenting them to get the end result he needs

personality isn’t as important as s/o having the title of “suga’s s/o”

makes a habit out of subtly finding ways to cut off their other friends and family

unlike jin, finds no arousal or enjoyment at the thought of having a family; in fact, it’s the opposite. anything that removes s/o’s attention from him is bad and unnecessary.

J-hope:

desires the perfect relationship

wants to always be happy and wants s/o to always be happy

when they aren’t happy, he gets upset, and forces them to at least pretend to look happy

emotional and quick to change his mood at the drop of a hat

aware of how cheerful he looks on the outside and uses it to manipulate those around him

the kind of yandere that is characterized by fear

he is always afraid that his s/o is going to leave him or cheat on him with someone else because he considers himself not worthy of her

not the type of yandere to explicitly punish his s/o

he would rather go after the object (or what he percieves as being) of her affections

very much infantalizes and babies his s/o and refuses to think of them as being their own person, free of his control

however his need to see s/o happy may cause him to let go off the babying to let them go about their normal business

V:

another selfish lover like suga. the relationship is 100% about him.

easily jealous, but doesn’t let it show in front of others.

after he starts dating s/o, he tries to make excuses to be alone with them as often as possible so that he can punish them for various things

truthfully its less about the jealousy aspect and more about the sadism

he enjoys knowing that he’s the only one that can cause s/o pain and pleasure at the same time

connects sexual arousal to the mindset of “owning s/o”

surprisingly, doesn’t need to be dating s/o to be satisfied. Regardless of whether s/o is dating or married to someone else, as long as he considers them “his”, he’s fine

unless he feels that s/o’s signficiant other is a threat, or that s/o is paying more attention to their family than him

in that case, he has no problem getting rid of them and just taking s/o for himself

Jimin:

painfully insecure and painfully desperate to prove himself to his s/o

thinks of himself as being the only man for s/o

doesn’t like to think about the fact that s/o has friends and family beyond him

“do you really need them when you have a man like me?”

jealousy is worst than rm’s and v’s combined

will lose his mind when s/o so much as even glances at another man

unlike jhope he takes it out on s/o instead of the other man

very rough sex and dominating behavior both inside the bedroom and outside of it

because he’s so emotionally attached to the idea of being a perfect boyfriend (keep in mind; jin wants to be perfect husband. jimin wants to be perfect boyfriend), he’ll start crying if he feels that s/o isn’t satisfied with him

if he ever gets into such a state, he’ll blame s/o and tie them up and leave them in his house

he’ll calm down after their helplessness reminds him that he has the power in the situation

Jungkook:

shy and not that great at making friends so is really reliant on s/o

constantly conflicted due to by nature being submissive but also having the physical strength and charisma to be dominant

forces the latter persona a lot to keep s/o by his side

the kind to feel calm by watching his s/o sleep at night

just needs constant reminders from s/o that they belong to him

willing to hurt anyone for their sake

even himself

the only one out of the bunch to be willing to let them leave him (except for maybe jhope) as long as they reassured him that they loved him

the only thing he needs is that assurance of love

the kind of yandere that would rather die than see s/o hurt

like j-hope, prefers getting rid of oponents rather than hurt s/o

as he grows older and his behavior changes, his behavior will most likely mirror jimin’s; incredibly prone to jealousy and physically dominant

Overall:

don’t see themselves as yanderes: Jin, Jungkook, Suga. 

Jin and Jungkook don’t understand the concept because they each believe what they do for s/o is correct. Jin thinks that he is being the perfect husband while Jungkook thinks its normal to want to protect his lover. Suga is aware of his unusual behavior, but doesn’t care about societal norms.

aware of their mental condition/yandereness: V, Rap Monster, J-Hope, Jimin. 

Only V and Rap Monster know how to control their behavior to trick Y/N. J-Hope and Jimin are aware that there is something slightly off with their behavior, but they justify it as being love (they very much take to the phrase “crazy in love”).

willing to hurt s/o: Suga, V, Jimin, Jin. 

Rap Monster would reluctantly do it, and only when absolutely necessary. Jungkook and J-Hope would never dare lay a hand on Y/N. V and Jimin are more into hurting her in the bedroom, while Suga and Jin think it’s necessary to dole out punishments from time to time.

willing to hurt s/o’s romantic interests: Suga, V, Jimin, Rap Monster, J-Hope, Jungkook. 

Only Jin wouldn’t hurt another man for his wife’s careless mistake.

willing to hurt s/o’s family/friends: V, Rap Monster, Jin. 

Jin only when absolutely desperate. The one line that Suga won’t cross because of his own love for his family. Out of the three I mentioned that are willing, only Rap Monster would go as far as to hurt a direct/close companion of Y/N’s. V and Jin would prefer cousins or estranged relatives to show off their capabilities without ruining their chances with Y/N’s family (they want Y/N’s family to not realize what kind of people they are). Rap Monster is okay with hurting a sibling or parent if it means Y/N is paying attention to him.

likes s/o to be defiant and rebellious: Rap Monster, V, Jimin.

Definitely Rap Monster’s thing. He and V get off on this kind of behavior from their lover. Reinforced the “I own her” mentality they love. Jimin finds it unbearably sexy as well, due to his own possessiveness issues.

prefers s/o to be obedient and quiet: Jin, Suga.

Truly the most controlling of the bunch. Jin needs Y/N to be the absolutely perfect version of his fantasy. And Suga just doesn’t like having to go out of his way to be sadistic on a good day.

doesn’t care because they like s/o either way: Jungkook, J-Hope.

100% in love with everything about Y/N. They’re dedicated to making her happy, so they don’t mind the occasional submissiveness or dramatic outburst. I mentioned that Jungkook will eventually gain some of Jimin’s characteristics, but this aspect of him will likely stay the same. He doesn’t need Y/N to be rebellious to find her sexy, nor does he need her to be obedient to want her.

[capshino]

bad time nasty feelings feel really nasty generally uncomfy nasy feeling bc i can’t describe my feelings it’s making me really upset makes me upset that I can’t describe why Im’ upset and what i’m actually feeling feels really bad feelings are failing me i want to go to sleep but i dont want to sleep but i dont want to do anything else either doing ANYTHING at ALL is making me really irritated sitting and doing nothing is irritating closing my eyes is irritating getting up to walk is irritating hitting the backspace button is irritating listening to people talk is irritating music feels a little better but I cant find anything that i actually want to listen to and thats irritating theres not enough room on my bed thats really irritating theres no room this appartment is so small iTs so small there’s nothing to do nothing exciting nothing interesting everything is uncomfortable i dont want to do anything but doing nothing is so painful i dont want to think anymore Im hungry i dont want to eat i want to eat so much but it makes me uncomfortable i want to lay ion the floor but that makes me uncomfortable i want to dig into the ground into the wall i want to push my face into the wall into a small space so i can’t be disturbed until i wish i dont want to occupy a physical body anymore i dont want people to know of me i dont want to be percieved i want to become a blank slate that no one has any opinion on i dont want my voice or my body or my thoughts unless it’s absolutely pure but that’s impossible and it is so irritating there are people who have negative views of me and I cant do anything to change that im powerless even if i try my hardest to be acceptable and not an asshole but I don’t know how to change that i try so hard to filter my actions through every filter i possibly can but it’s not enough and it never will be there’s people who are angry with me or have been angry there’s people who don’t like me anymore because of something i’ve done and i have no influence over it i only have solace in myself im obnoxious and strange and I can’t control the way im percieved or the way I present myself because I dont know how I dont know how to interact with anything i dont know how i dont know how i cant learn how i only know enough to pass off as functioning i dont know how to be a person i dont know how to be likeable i know some people like me i know i know but its strange to me i dont know what im doing i cant even portray what im saying right now as accurate to what I’m feeling because I don’t know how no matter how much i try it’s so exausting just to try i just drop it entirely I want this to pass over quickly

[jmichaelfortenberry]

A Personal Post: My New World

Recent events have forced me to look at the world in a different light. So here is a rundown of some of my recent revelations, preceded by their respective impetus.

1) My Job has been wearing away at my soul, and every day has become harder and harder to face. Even with my new medication, I sometimes find it hard to get out of bed.

—This has brought with it the revelation that I cannot ever be an average person. I will either be a failure of an attempt at something great, or I will be something great. I choose to aim for the latter.

2) In January I got health insurance for the first time in my adult life. (I previously didn’t make enough money to qualify for assistance–such is life in a red State.) I immediately sought help for my depression, which has been a constant weight, and a growing weight, since my late teens (I turned 32 a few months ago).

—This has shown me so much about my world. Rationally, I knew before that there was more to life than the muted color of some external light, dimmed by my crutains, making the same, well known shadows on my wall. I cannot explain how hard it was to break my eyes, and my mind, from that wall. Depression set itself about me like a quagmire and a theater all at once. I could not bring myself to move, but as I lay there I could imagine so many better  (and worse) situations for me to inhabit. Inevitably they would cycle back to the same idea—It is all futile, and death is preferable to THIS. It wasn’t that I thought it would be better for me, or for the world. For me, the idea of ending my life always rested on the idea that, in the long run, the lives of those who care for me would benefit from my absence. 

I felt (and still sometimes worry) I was a burden on them, and they either wouldn’t admit it, or couldn’t see that I was such a burden. Long story a little bit shorter, as my Doctor and I worked to find the right medicine, I began to feel much different. Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I go places just to go there, and I have made some new friends that would have just remained aquaintances. I even flirted with a person once without even stopping to think about the inevitable rejection (a point of view I’ve held for a long time, but I’ve recently come to reevaluate). I just view the world as something I might be a part of, which was, for over a decade, a missing feeling.

3) Speaking of new feelings I’ve had a years-long relationship with someone, and it is a deep and powerful relationship. I’ve been growing as a philosopher for the past six years or so, and for four of them, I’ve been in this relationship. I’ve been espousing, for these six years, a relationship philosophy. My relationship philosophy is based on the concept that each person is completely autonomous, and has a right to agency. From the moment I started this realtionship, I made it clear that my partner’s participation is never supposed to be a given, they choose how much they want to give to the relationship, and how often, and they choose when they want to end it or change it in any way. In short, I was always aware that my partner had the right to end the relationship, or alter it to their liking. She did just that earlier this year, when she expressed her wish to  return to a friendship-relationship and end the lover-relationship we had been enjoying. 

—My resolve to adhere to my own philosophy had never been so completely and thoroughly tested, but I stood for my Reason, and did what many have told me is impossible. We continued our relationship as close friends, and to this day I have not regreted remaining her friend. I feel a sense of vindication, but also of honor, or moral being, like I’ve finally proven that I am mature, that I am a real Person, a rational person. I treasure our relationship, and I am honored to be a part of her world, and proud that I was a man of my word, and stayed true to my Philosophy.

4) I have cause to think that someone else thinks I am attractive.

—Considereing the content of number 3, this may seem odd. I have never understood how anyone could find me attractive. I know that at least part of this stems from elementary and high school. In elementary school, the more we grew to understand that we were in a social web of sorts, where interaction with others was as complicated as it was necessary, the more my life changed for the worse. None of us, myself included, could have worded our situation in the manner I just did, but I believe that it nonetheless describes our experience, which at the time would have been more ineffable if we were even asked to explain it. In Kindergarten, we were all more or less equals. Some days some of us were picked on, and of course there was some bullying, but the players changed almost by day. We were social neophytes, and the idea of assuming a role in the class was beyond us. 

But as time went on, it became clearer and clearer, year by year, that I was at the bottom of the list, the least desireable of all. To this day I can recall people being outwardly disgusted to discover that I was even so much as standing near them. Some of them were people to whom I was attracted, and to watch them recoil-literally recoil-in disgust just at the sight of me being beside them, that was gut-wrenching. If I was no better that walking trash in the eyes of almost everyone, how could I ever make any meaningful connections? So to this day, even if it seems as though someone is flirting with me, my immediate assumption is that they are simply being nice to the ugly-unfortunate-trashlike person. After all, society demands politeness these days, right? 

So it always comes as somewhat of a surprise when someone plainly announces their attraction (or even more innocently, my general attractiveness). I’ve had several lovers, but the fear of them eventually admitting that they were “slumming” it and that I’m too ugly for them (in more ways than the physical, but primarily outward ugliness), haunts me. But my new, less depressed worldview is not as self-critical. So, when recently I met someone new, I began to approach things in a similar fashion, but not altogether so. (Well, I’ve known them for a while, but we’ve recently dove headlong into the most wonderfully unique and serendipitous getting-to-know-you journey I’ve personally ever experienced.) After a long experience, complete with a walk in the park, we took turns baring some of our most guarded parts to one another. 

While this sort of exchange is not the sole province of the “deeper” attraction, the speed at which we reached this level is almost unprecedented. The only person who connected with me this deeply, and this quickly, is my best friend and former lover (the subject of the 3rd revelation above). While our discussions recently have bridged many deep and personal rivers of thought, we have yet to announce that either of us is sexually attracted to the other. That river has been hinted at, but never drawn on the map. Which leads me to my next revelation.

5) I may be changing a long time, core defining attribute of “me”. I may be looking at myself differently, and reacting to the world in an equally different manner.

—As mentioned above, I think that a mutual attraction has been hinted at. He has described that which he finds attractive, and so have I. I have intentionally described attributes that I feel apply to him (because I find him insanely attractive). However, I have noticed that many of the attributes he’s described may very well apply to me. After much discussion, I feel that if he were attracted to me, then the idea of a lover-relationship is by no means beyond the pale. I almost went so far as to plainly state my attraction, which would be a huge step for me. 

I almost never take the first step in these situations. My default mode has been to assume that any percieved attraction is a mistake of perception on my part. But for the past several weeks I’ve been thinking that I may, in fact, be attractive to him. This, alone, is a novel feeling for me, but it doesn’t end there. I have decided, that possible rebuffing be damned, I am going to clearly state my feelings. I plan to say, “[BLANK], I find you attractive. To me you are incredibly so. You are like a mental and sexual singularity, all my thoughts are pulled to you. I am prepared to be simply your friend, which is a wonderous thing to be, in and of itself, but I must make it clear: It would be an honor, and a pleasure, and a daydream-made-manifest if we were to be partners, lovers, as well as friends.” (Okay, I may not wax so poetic, but those, for the record, are my feelings.)

****

So there you have it. My new world has allowed me to write much more in the past months, be more social, start my own D&D campaign, and more or less just be more “me”. By the end of this year I should be in Master’s Studies, have a clearer plan as to where I might be next year, and be far closer to my goal of leaving this soul sucking State (Alabama) for good. By the end of this week I should not only know if I am more capable of making the first romantic gesture in a relationship, but I will also know if I will be entering a deep lover-relationship for the first time in a while. I’d ask you to wish me luck, but luck doesn’t exist. (Unless it does and my understanding of the universe is more illusion than reality, but this post is not about Metaphysics, so I’ll leave that one for later.) So, I’ll just ask you to tune in (or click in?) later to see where this all goes. 

Thank you for reading.

-J. Michael Fortenberry