#i know im straight up wasting my life whatever that means and i literally cant remember the last 7 years because i did nothing

[cosmicdream222]

sorry to be morbid again but do you think we can manifest passing away early? im honestly past the point of wanting to exist and just want to get over this thing that im supposed to be a successful person but im not so idrc if i do or dont live

so many ppl on tarot related blogs ask about their fs but if we dont meet them does it matter and would they just move on with their life? like i think u have to have ur life put together but its genuinely so hard to do these days so i hope my fs wont be sad at all when i die cause i wouldnt be able to make tnem truly happy anyway cause im not happy myself with how things have been

ideally i wouldve done something in a sport or music but that ship sailed long ago and now im so stuck but id hate to be reliant on someone else and i shouldve moved out into my own place but housing is ridiculously expensive where im from and taxes dont help anyone. it takes years and years to pick up a talent so i have wasted those years and ik im just going to struggle to get past 50 if i were to have my own place bc minimum wage jobs suck arse and i dont want to be doinng something lame not that its lame for others to do it, its just not what i wanted to have done at all

you cant even get a degree without needing to fork out hundreds and thousands so yeah none of its easy and sure you can try subliminals but lets face it the systemn we are in is fucked up big time so rn i cant even bother with daydream about how it could have been or the what ifs i had done smth differently or if i had any talent but then theres still the, im too old and too foreign to do any sort of music as most successful groups nowadays are korean and even if i tried to do what they did it would probs end up killing me some way or other

its just either about having to be wealthy or having some type of talent both of which id fail at anyway as i shouldve done it years ago like a normal person who goes from being so so at something to being great at something.

i truly think i was born in wrong generation or i just shouldnt have been born at all then i wouldnt have to fret constantly abt these types of things. i think if the government genuinely sorted shit out for once and helped society ppl would be happier to work for less but im not happy at all with the current state of things. i feel guilty for existing and i hate it sm like god just let me end my life pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeee there is nothing worthwhile in store, ik we could try shifting subliminals but have those genuinely worked? like u exit this reality and straight into the one you wanted originally? but then i might as well just pass away cause id have to know what i want in another reality

My dude, take a deep breath. You’ve ranted about all this same exact stuff a bunch of times now and I’m just gonna repeat the same thing I said to you last time:

All of that stuff you mentioned about your current reality is an illusion. Time is an illusion. It does not matter what you’ve done in the past. The economy does not matter. Your present circumstances do not matter.

I’ll add to that: Whatever some tarot reader or TikTok psychic says definitely does not matter. Idk what fs means but I’m guessing something like a twin flame and that is especially 1000% bullshit.

The spiritual community has created an incredible amount of false narratives to make excuses and blame outside forces for why things aren’t going their way. None of it is real. Seriously forget everything you learned about fate, karma, astrology, or anything else that’s saying something else is in control. Reality is an illusion. YOU are in control.

You don’t have to identify with any old bullshit anymore. Stop repeating the old story and think about what you do want. You can have literally ANYTHING! You say you don’t know what you want, ok, but you know what you don’t want, right?

I don’t want to work -> I want to live in a reality where I don’t have to work.

There, you just figured out something you want! It’s that simple.

I totally agree that this society is a horrific shitshow and I don’t want to be aware of it anymore either. But it’s just one version of reality available. It’s not the only reality and it’s not the original reality. You don’t have to be aware of it anymore if you don’t want to be.

You also don’t have to involve death at all. There’s a lot of misconception in the shifting world which has lead to concepts like “permashifting” and “respawning”, but those just all assume this current reality is the original one. It’s not.

Have you watched The Matrix? It’s really more like a documentary than science fiction lol. Just like in the movie, we are being tricked by a simulated virtual reality, controlled by a society that’s using us for our energy. Just think of reality as an escape room. We’re escaping the Matrix. Once you figure out how to leave, you don’t ever have to go back. There are infinite realities available to you, and none are more real or right or original than any others. Remember, death is not an ultimate, nor does it exist in all realities.

I am scripting a utopian reality with my best friend where there is no death, aging, or illness. Everyone is a master manifestor so they always get whatever they want. Nobody has to work and there isn’t even a need for money because we can manifest anything instantly. We can just relax and get massages all day. Everyone lives in peace and harmony and abundance. Animals are treated as equals to humans, we can all communicate with each other, and we can all fly and teleport. Because why the f not? 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

And if you really don’t want to exist (I’m guessing that other ask from a couple weeks ago is you too lol) you don’t have to exist in this reality, or any other. Removing your awareness from all physical reality is known as entering the void. You exist there as pure consciousness, and you can stay there as long as you like. It is you as your highest self. There’s nothing negative about it.

As for the whole subliminal thing, shifting subliminals are just one method. Shifting = manifesting = deciding what you want and experiencing it. It’s something we are always doing and is available to all of us. You don’t need any methods to shift besides intention. We just use methods to convince/calm the annoying human brain that is programmed with society’s limits.

[apathyfairy]

age 0-18 is like i need to be older than i am now. i need to grow up so i can finally live my life. and age 19-21 is like ok i’m finally an adult but i don’t feel like it at all lol so..what am i supposed to do with my life ? and 22 and beyond is just feeling so old like you wasted your entire life and can’t relate to anyone and there’s nothing you can do about it at all

[tomdiddlyumptious]

T.H| My Mortal Enemy

Summary: you really dont wanna dance with him

Warnings: uhhh language per usual other then that idk-

A/n: I actually wanted to create a series with princess!reader but i wasnt sure.

A LOVE TRIANGLEEEEE OMFGGGGG prince!tom x princess!reader x timothee chalamet

“Y/n suck it up” “suck what up?” “Your stomach” you took a deep breath in and grunted when she pulled thhe strings of the corset.

“Fuck you” you sighed, holding onto your stomach while she laughed “you have to dance with him, theres no way around it” zendaya said, tying the strings together while you complained.

“Im not dancing with him! Ill just dance with timothee” you commented, wiping the sweat from your forehead before she grabbed the hoop skirt, telling you to step into it.

“You’re becoming queen and toms becoming king. There’s literally nothing you can fucking do” she muttered, picking it up and putting it on your hips, quickly closing it. “Im not happy with that”

“Honey please. Clearly” she glared at you, and you smacked your lips and raised your hands in the air, the detailed white skirt, small roses and small patterns, coming over your head and down ontop of the hoop skirt.

“Beautiful” she smiled, looking at you in the mirror while you stood there shoulders slumped. “I look like one of those creepy baby dolls”

She hit you in the back making you stand up straight “you wont get anywhere with that attitude, you go in there with confidence and your head held high. For tom..... i dont know what hes gonna do but dont let that ruin your mood”

“Thanks that means so much-“ “shut up” she ordered, eyeing you as you kept your lips sealed tight. She grabbed the heels and bended down on her knees, snatching your foot making you almost fall.

“You know i couldve had someone else doing this for me. You dont have to-“ “i need you to look your best, princess” she muttered, slipping the shoe on and doing the same with the other.

“Im not marrying that scoundrel, harrison” he said, his helpers helping him while harrison watched, laughing at him. “If you wont i will,” “shut up” “you dont even like her” “so?”

He stared at harrison with daggers, while harrison played with a smirk on his face. “It cant be that hard. Just a dance and youd never have to make contact again” timothee shrugged, swirling the ice in his glass.

“You dont know i feel towards her” tom whispered. “Well you obviously hate her, but shes the most beautiful woman in this palace, everyone thinks so!”

“Eh id rather marry zendaya” “zac will kick your ass” harrison said, “thats besides the point” “tom just be quiet” tim said and tom furrowed his eyebrows at him.

“You literally talk about her all the time. If you have such a problem let one of us dance with her” he offered. “Why would i do that?”

“Because you hate her!” They both shouted at him. “I-i dont hate her....i just have se negative feelings about her”

“Then why do you talk about her all the fuckin time?”

He didn’t know how to answer that. He didnt know if he loved you or hated you. It was whatever he felt in the moment.

And that left him with a sigh and a shrug “i dont know”

“You look absolutely stunning!” Zac said, his arm wrapped around zendaya while Had a smile in her face. “She thinks she looks like a doll, a creepy one”

“Welp that isnt gonna get you anywhere...” “exactly what i said!” “Can i please take off these heels?” You asked hopping on one foot to scratch the back of your ankle.

“Nooo! Come on!” Zendaya urged and you groaned, walking with them following behind you.

The ball room was.....beautiful. Fancy tables and chairs everywhere, the special table on the other end of the room for the king and queen.

The room was filled, cheers and glasses clanking, laughs leaving people lips. And then someone cleared there throat loudly, when you looked over it was your beloved mother, “the queen is here!”

She walked over, the room quiet as gasps left people lips, muttering things like “since when does y/n wear ball gowns” “she looks stunning” and things like that.

Her hand found yours and you did a small smile, letting her pull you wherever as zendaya and zac found thier table.

She pulled you to your fancy table. “Now y/n i need you to behave” “but maaaa!” “No excuses! Make everyone proud okay, i know that boy can be a handfull”

“How do i look?” He asked, running offly late. “I mean you arent trying to impress anyone-“ “you look great” tim cut harrison off, patting toms shoulder “so can we please leave”

And you sat there, bored, for once in your life time crossing a leg over the other and helping yourself with cherries while tom watched from afar, his mother walking him over.

“You look wonderful y/n, both of you do” she smiled, rubbing toms shoulder and looking at you. “Thank you ms. Holland”

“Please- call me niki. Were gonna be a family after all” she said, making tom roll his eyes and bite his lip, looking away then looking back. “Yeah we are” you smiled and like that it was only you two.

“I dont like you” “and what makes you think i do?” You questioned, raising an eyebrow while he crossed his arms “the least you can do is act like a gentleman, as far as anyone knows we are happy together” you said making him nod, sitting up and clearing his throat.

“Sooo.....wife” you cringed at his words but let him continue “how are we gonna do this?” You only shrugged “we can sleep in separate rooms or something” “sounds like a plan” he genuinely smiled at you, handing you another cherry as you squinted your eyes at him.

“I dont know if you poisoned this” you flicked it back at him, making him let out a small gasp before throwing it back “you arent worth my time, i would waste a dime trying to kill you” “i dont know if i should take that as a complement or not” your eyebrows furrowed and he sighed, looking away from you.

“You know, i dont know why they have such a problem with each other” harrison said to tim, currently at their own table, throwing grapes at one another and cracking jokes. “I dont think we’ll ever find out” he said in response, eating one of the grapes.

AnD iT WAs TiMe TO daNCE

The strong piano played, filling the halls as everyone watched you and tom.

You both maintained eye contact, his hand tight on the side of your waist as yours was tight on his shoulder, squeezing each others hand that was shared in each others.

“Im never doing this again” he whispered, basically nose to nose with you. “Do you think i want to?” You rolled your eyes. “I dont care if you want to! I just know im not doing this”

“Well grea-“ he dipped you and you almost gasped, frightened making tom silently chuckle before lifting you back up, now chest to chest.

“Your a fuck-face” you muttered. “You love it” he shrugged, “why are we doing this anyway”

“I dont know, why do you hate me?” He asked making your jaw drop. “Why do you hate me?!” You aggressively whispered.

“They look happy” zendaya said, zac, haz and tim all circled around the same table as they watched intently “ehhh” they all let out at the same time, in their own bubble, tim leaning back in the chair and Harrison slump with his legs open, zac resting his face on his knuckles as he silently blowed spit bubbles.

“I hate you because you hate me!” “I only hated you because you hated me!” “Bullshitttt” he bit his lip and you aggressively stomped on his foot with the edge of your heel.

He let out a small whimper and a fuck you making you have a smile on your face. “Dont cuss at me” “im pretty sure my foot is bleeding, fart face” “shut up” “but you literally called me a fuck face!”

“Shush!” He still whimpered in pain when he moved, “im sorry” you said, feeling guilty. He did a small smile “that isnt gonna make my foot better is it?”

“Well what the fuck do you want me to do! Kiss it?” “That wouldn’t be so bad” you groaned and looked away from him, to keep yourself from looking at him you easily pressed your head on his chest, making his breath hitch and his heart spead up, the piano relaxing a bit so you both moved slowly.

“Awwww” everyone said together making tom blush hard, your arms came up to circle his neck while his silently made its way to your waist. “Y/n why are you doing this?” He asked, whispering in your ear as you let out a small “i dont know”

“Well- can you n-not?" “Not what thomas?” “Be all bubbly with me!” You looked up at him with your eyebrow raised “im not being bubbly”

“Yes you are!” You sighed in response “but dont you feel better! Not everything has to be so negative” “well this is bluntly awkward” “well then stop making it awkward!”

“Yeah they are in love with each other” zac said, everyones eyebrows furrowed as they looked at you both, a different look and vibe coming from the both of you.

The piano slowly ended, you and tom panicked.

“Kiss me!” He ordered. “Why would i do that! We barely even get along!” “As far as they know we are a happy cuddle” he mocked your voice. “Im still not kissing you” “if you dont kiss me im gonna kiss you”

“Fine-“ “hurry up!” “You sound loke you really wanna kiss-“ before you could finish he pressed his lips on yours, his hand pulling you closer as his other hand came up to the side of your face, and SUPRISE you fucking kissed back!

Although you both you never would never admit it, you both loved the kiss.

Your lips where soft and to your suprise his lips werent chapped, his hands were gentle on your face as you also pulled him closer, your arms still circled around his neck.

Everyone at the tables jaw dropped, zendayas more but that didnt change the subject that you both kissed, and it looked like you both were gonna sit like that till end of time.

“No fucking way” haz muttered, looking at everyone else’s expressions and they were the same.

An audible noise came when you both pulled away. “That- that uh....wasnt s-so bad” he did a small awkward chuckle. “Yeah.... i uhhhhh”

“Uhhh” you both looked away from each other before tom pulled you back to your private table.

“Im still shocked” tim said, everyone agreeing as everyone else clapped for them. “So they just decided to love each other” zac shrugged, “yeah something like that”

After that whole thing was done, daya, tim, haz, and zac locked you all in toms bedroom for questions. “What is this about?” You asked, taking off your heels and getting undressed infront of everyone.

“You and tom” his eyebrows furrowed as he started to get undressed himself. “What about it?”

“Uhhh helllooo! Are we gonna act like that fucking kiss DIDNT happen?” Daya waved her hand in the air, before crossing her arms. You and tom silently looked at each other “it was his fault”

He smacked his lips and threw himself on his bed, throwing a tantrum, kicking air. “I thought we werent gonna tell anyone!”

“So you admit it!” Haz said, a wide smile on his face as he clapped his hands. “Zendaya the corset please” you said, she came over and undid it for you. “Can i have a shirt please?” You asked, looking back at tom and he nodded getting up, searching through his drawer.

“SINCE WHEN WERE YOU BOTH BUDDY BUDDY?” Tim said, and tom shrugged “I guess we just feel differently about each other”

“And it was because of that kiss wasn’t it?” Zac smiled while daya had a childish look on her face. “It’s happening! Give me my money!”

“You guys betted on us?” You asked, thanking tom when he handed you a shirt. “Wait wait wait wait, what the actual fuck. What in the fucks is going in here because this is confusing!” Haz said, getting a headache “i swear if that kiss never happened they would be ripping each others head off”

“Zendaya more loose please!” You said and she eyed you, “help her tom” she said, crossing her arms. “Uhhh...okay” he shrugged, walking over to loosen it more.

“HUH?” Everyone shouted, watching as he loosened it and then made you turn around to loosen the front. “Somethings not clicking-“ “no because this isnt adding up”

You put the shirt over your head and pulled the corset off of you under your shirt, he helped with the hoop skirt since you already took off the actual skirt.

“Im really confused” zac said, sighing as everyone who betted gave zendaya 100 bucks, including him.

“We all are, zac” tim muttered, crossing his arms as he watched you both communicate. “Tom when your done lets talk!”

And timothee and tom went outside of the room, tom leaning against the wall as he waited for him to speak. “Youre only doing this because we said something about her, right?”

“I dont know what you’re talking about, timothee” “yes you do. Youre only doing this because you know i have feelings for her” “I actually didnt know that but okay”

“Yes the fuck you did” tim pushed him, toms eyebrows furrowed as he pushed him back. “No i didnt” tim pushed him to the floor, a large thud heard making you all whip your heads to the door, hearing a punch made you walk slowly to the door.

“You knew i had feelings for her and you took her away from me, you dont even like her!” “What?” You whispered, looking over at zendaya before they all rushed to the door, ear hustling.

Tom tackled him to the ground, aggressive punches thrown at his face until tim rolled both of them over, now his turn. “I hate you! You were never there for her! Made her mad- sad- and everything that she doesnt fucking deserve!”

You decided it was time to come out, opening the door and telling them both to stop, Zac pulling tim off of tom and Harrison holding tom back.

Tom sent daggers at tim while tom did the same. “And now she likes you. Ive been working so fucking hard to win over her heart but you- you have to ruin everything” tim finished, pushing zac off of him before turning to you.

“I hope youre happy” he scoffed and walked passed, flipping tom off. “Wait!” You said, chasing after tim while tom looked back, jaw clenched as he watched you run off.

“Y/n leave me alone” “i just want to talk” you caught up to him, both of you power walking. “I never knew you had feelings for me timothee! If you would’ve told me sooner I would’ve never done the thing i did today” you said, looking at him while he still looked ahead, before he looked at you.

“Im not mad at you y/n. He-he knew that i had feelings for you and he took advantage of it, i-i” he sighed and you pulled him into a hug, “im sorry”

I dead ass dont know if i should do a part 2 or not. THIS IS WHY I SAID I WANTED TO MAKE A SERIES- IM SO MAD AT MYSELF-

[floatingbook]

I recently found your blog and im in love with your writings. I guess I just needed to went about this. Anyway theres this female youtuber that I watched for a long time now. She makes good animal content and is an ornithologist. Her style of content is also right up my alley. (1)

But the thing is shes homophobic. I knew this for a while now but on one of her recent streams she explicitly stated how disgusted she found gay people using very popular homophobic slurs in our language (not English). And like I dont hate her or whatever. I like her content and even her personality vice. she herself is gnc in her style and is not married. she gets a ton of comments from men telling her how weird it is and she addressed it in multiple videos saying how stupid she finds it (2)

but like this whole thing makes it difficult to just enjoy bird and lizard videos lol. recently we also got a new professor at my Uni. and while she considers herself tolerant she said quite a few. homophobic things as well. like she said she'd kill her son if he was gay, jokingly. but whats funny in that? anyway I talked about this with my groupmate whos lesbian and she told me she hated this but tries to not pay attention to it. she thinks its best to just ignore it.(3)

and like I think shes right. we cant change anything about this, our country is very homophobic. so why pay attention to it? Im secure in myself anyway. but its still so difficult to just not thing about it and enjoy everything else.have you ever dealt with similar feelings? how did you cope with them? sorry for long message. im also a lesbian if it matters. (4)

No need to apologise for the length of your message, sister! I’m sorry you’ve had to face this; but which lesbian, sadly, doesn’t? It’s all too common for us to be faced with this kind of non-physically-harmful homophobia. And at first glance, we tend to discount it, yes. After all, we are “secure in [our]selves”, we know there’s nothing wrong with being lesbians, that we’re not ill or cursed or whatever nonsense. In the long run, and although it doesn’t do the same kind of damage as homophobic physical harm, I think it’s more worrying. Especially because it appears so harmless at first, such a matter of personal opinion — we can’t really change the way these people think, they’re always going to harbour those kinds of thoughts.

But even if you’re a proud lesbian and fine with yourself, it still makes you internalise the fact that homosexuality is somehow wrong. Of course being regularly exposed to that kind of ideas, of content, is going to affect your wellbeing. Even if it’s “just” a passing remark from a youtuber, or a “joke” from a university teacher, or an aunt sharing a bigoted stereotype about homosexuality, or a random individual being interviewed on TV during a conservative march, or a priest mentioning once in a while how you’re going to end up burning in hell just for existing. These comments can lead us to feel terrible about ourselves, straight into self-hatred. They also, whether we like it or not, create a hostile climate for us. It’s not healthy to exist in an environment where you know that people despise or outright hate you, even if they don’t know that you specifically are a lesbian. You’re always going to be wondering how your teacher would treat you if she somehow found out. Would she lower your grades? Would there be any kind of retaliation? For every homophobe who makes homophobic jokes or share any other type of homophobic position, there’s always the worry of escalation to physical harm. As a result, you’re always, even if not completely consciously, on the lookout.

I think the best thing to do with these people is to cut them out whenever possible. I know that you like that youtuber’s content, but you’re always going to be wondering in a corner of your mind “when is she going to be homophobic again”. I’m sure you can find other women talking about that kind of subject, and if not on youtube maybe in podcasts, in documentaries, or on blogs. It’s eminently frustrating to loose a source of information and entertainment, but you also have to take care of yourself, and sometimes that means removing homophobes from your life. Here, a reminder that it’s not your job to cure them of their homophobia. You don’t have to put up with them. Much in the same way that women don’t have to waste their time explaining to men how we are human beings deserving of rights and dignity and a life free of oppression too.

In the case of your uni teacher, you can’t do a lot but bear through it. It’s good that you’re not alone; support your fellow lesbian, and make sure that you don’t let the hate, however how casual, get you down. I don’t think it’s about “ignoring” it as much as not letting either despair or rage take up too much space. It’s normal to feel depressed that homophobia is so widespread, but you can try to balance it out with the knowledge, shared by many of your fellow lesbians, that being a lesbian is perfectly normal and even wonderful. Same for anger at the homophobia, it’s perfectly normal in the face of bigotry and hatred, but please make sure that you use your anger as fuel for positive action and don’t just let it simmer and fester into giving up and depression and helplessness.

We don’t have to be resigned to the homophobia. You can sensibilise your friends to the problem, and hopefully find people who’ll embrace you for who you are. You can move to less homophobic places; you can create lesbians clubs, gatherings or communities; if you are determined and want to play the game and work within the rules of the system, you can lobby and agitate for reforms to law to make your country less homophobic. We don’t have to tolerate homophobic people. There are some things on which we can refuse to compromise.

(same anon who wrote about female youtuber)also Goddammit these straight anons are so ridiculous. sorry for my language. how can they not see their privilege? literally the entire fucking world is telling you that relationships with men are good and pure and "correct" and you DARE to come to a LESBIANS blog and whine about a tiny group of lesbian women who tell you that maybe men aren't the end all be all im just so sorry for their stupidity sis.. crazy you still have to deal with this shit :/

I’m used to it, not that it’s pleasant, but yes, sometimes it’s baffling how little reading comprehension and self-awareness some people exhibit on here (and out there in the world). I hope you have a very pleasant week, anonymous sister, and that your lesbian friend does as well ;)

[gerrimime]

Thoughts post the chapter 63 of the fairy tail 100 year quest

*breathes deeply*

Ok so the new chapter for fairy tail 100 year quest  finally came out and when I saw the cover I literally was sooo freaking hyped ( due to the nalu obviously) but then I read it and was like …

Oh well that was short.

Meh.

First let’s talk about the positives..

JERZA that’s all !!! I mean they fully, greatly, totally deserved it and I am glad that now finally they can move to somewhere solid. That being said jerza is probably the only couple who was in terms with their feelings for the LONGEST time. They didn’t have much moments but they both knew their love for each other heck they almost even kissed (while others here are like yay we hugged, yipee) The only thing keeping them was jellal’s guilt and now that it is outta the way … jerza can happen scratch that it IS happening. Its amazing and I ain’t complaining 😊 good for you jellal.

And now my actual rant..

Gale is adorable but they now have their happy ending of sorts they love each other, are happy and are about to have a baby, and from the earlier chapter gajeel’s slight insecurities were also dealt with beautifully.. now they can roll in here and there with small moments and that’d be enough... I mean getting married would be the only new development for them but I don’t think it’ll change much relationship and story wise.

 Gruvia …. HUH…they make me want to die like wtf are you guys doing… juvia is so patient I swear.. Gray you know what, you are really being unfair . the amount of development gruvia had during the alvarez arc was already so huge that gray should have kept his promise and given her a straight answer like ….just..ahhhh..it would have been nice to see them develop while being in a commited relationship. Its so aggravating just talking about it.. in this series they literally had 3 whole chapters with gruvia being the focus .. like lets ignore the would be’s of alvarez arc ending ;after the rain hill chapter gray should have confessed like this is too much .. and now too in this chapter they are like hehhehehe we’re hugging wohoo.( well at lest he isn’t swatting her away now but still..like…uhhh)

i’m honestly bored. I love the couple but its gone too far they literally sacrificed themselves for the other; honestly if the next time they don’t kiss/become official when they share a moment I wouldn’t even give a tiny little damn about it…. its too frustrating and outstretched. Seriously like when gray pulled juvia towards himself in the ice and water chapter I wasn’t even moved I was ok …anything else…

Huuhhhhhhhuuuuuuuuuu…. I’ll shutup about them now; honestly now I feel like they take up and waste precious panels that could be used for another ship or for the story in general with their lack of development. I don’t wanna ruin this ship for myself but its starting to happen now. Gray’s acknowledgement is great and all but it has too little impact after all this time. He’s telling juvia to wait since forever....I swear if it wasn’t for juvia, gray would die alone( got a little dark there but idk anymore).

 Now finally NALU . mashima is literally killing me with this I don’t even.. I cant even express myself rationally now. Nalu had one only ONE freaking panel with some concrete development  at the end of chapter 22 and it didn’t really develop into anything big later too.. I feel like they have the purest bond out of any other goddamn ship and have gone through so much together and done so much for each other.

But no matter how much they fight for one another, support one another it’s never direct.. or discussed about. Literally anytime they have a major moment either one of them is in a death battle hanging to life or just plainly out of their senses. They always know it’s the other who supported and helped them (which is soo pure ..i’m crying)  but they are also apart during these crucial moments… natsu was almost dead .. lucy saved him but they never freaking talked about it or felt the other’s emotions first-hand. Eg: gruvia; they sacrificed themselves for each other but they had their interaction then and there. Heck gale confessed in similar situations. nalu really needs something huge and literally thrown to their faces considering that they are the BIGGEST dorks and the densest people out there when it comes to realizing the severity of their relationship….. sure let’s say that they are slightly aware but they really need a push to reach that level..

Seeing the cover I really hoped at least there could be a silent epiphany from at least  natsu’s side but …I’m honestly disappointed..

I really hope If mashima is playing the whole best for last card they better go through some realization and moments and stuff.. cause if at the literal last chapters they are like suddenly confessing and shit then … I don’t even know what to say I am already near tearing up just writing this and thinking about it - they deserve way too much than a downright plain out of the blue confession…. *really holding back tears here*(though whatever happens i’ll take it cause those babies deserve each other)

Let’s see what happens up next in the 100 year quest. Ships aside I really am enjoying the story overall and excited about the new character and the new arc but seeing how their relations are such a key factor in the story ( as they should be..) I cant help but think about it .. its been way too god damn long already.

ALSO..i REALLY really don’t want them to do any villain turned good shit with the white wizard..seeing how they are foreshadowing.. some mystery over her character .. i don’t want her to have a sob story and then suddenly turn good.. i want her to be the evil messed up person she is and go freaking die!!( yeah yeah im a bit dramatic)

this rant is over now..

 *SIGH*

[tumblunni]

OH FUCK I THINK I FINALLY CRACKED THE CODE OF WHY I ALWAYS LIKE THE VILLAINS BETTER

Like man it always makes me so confused cos i mean im a soft AF person and i always end up having sympathetic redemption headcanons for them so its not like i like VILLAINY ITSELF but what else do all these characters have in common?

Thats it. Thats it, ursula helped me crack it.

I just WANT THOSE TRAITS ON THE HEROES

I really want a nice confident sassy funny chubby trans auntie who promotes body positivity to our young hero and always gets to say the coolest lines and get the best moments and BE LOVED FOR WHO SHE IS

And like usually whenever you get anywhere close to seeing those "villain traits" on a hero they like.. Remove all the good parts. If you have a supportive hero aunt she's always boring and generically supportive instead, and has to look like the most stereotypical boring mess ans have a super small plot role and uuuugh thats IF SHES EVEN THERE i mean seriously aunties and grandmas are weirdly less represented as mentors than grandpas who are already REALLY HARD TO FIND and again OFTEN GENERIC AND UNFUN WHENEVER THEY GET TO APPEAR

And how damn often are we allowed to have a chubby gay aunt!! WHERE IS MY CHUBBY GAY AUNT!! ive met SO MANY chubby gay aunts in real life like 90% of all my psychologists have been either that or like.. The exact same but a straight lgbt ally instead. Sassy plus size aunties are THE BACKBONE OF OUR SOCIETY DAMMIT! I've had so much help thanks to sassy gay aunts!! And like even just looking at any damn crowd scene in a normal city centre youre gonna see so many chubby aunts and long nosed uncles and all those sorts of bullshit "ugly people" that mass media pretends are ugly and relegates to One Minor Role In The Entire Cast despite them being infinately more common than supermodels and NOT UGLY AT ALL GEEZ IT PISSES ME OFF SO MUCH

I cant believe im a fuckin disney villain fan cos of body positivity

Tfw u suck so bad at making hateable people that the fandom universally hugs all your villains and ignores your boring protagonists like fuckin TAKE THAT DIDNEY

God i wanna hug hades sooo bad he just needs a friend aaaaaa

And i mean its not just disney, every damn time ive obsessed over a villain its been because they have some trait thats supposed to be "bad" but its actually good and we dont get to see it on the heroes

Like my thing with science villains in particular is that when i first played ff7 i really liked the idea of an evil minion who's a bad sidekick not just because he's "dumb" or "bumbling" but because he's actually not interested in any of the evil stuff and he works against his own boss and is like.. Friendly to the heroes, i have no particular grudge against you and i wont stop you if im off duty and all. I liked the Turks for the same reason but in the origibal ff7 translation they were kind of stoic and serious and i didnt really become as much of a fan of them til i saw them being more goofy and comic relief in some optional sidequests and then their movie adaptation. But hojo was always being all "lol my boss's plan is so stupid amirite" and had that very memorable scene where he's just sunbathing and tells you everything you need to know to get to the next thing to ruin his boss's plan cos i mean fuck it who even cares im just here to soak up some sun while fully dressed in a turtleneck and labcoat. It sucked so much that he was such a reprehensible bastard with creepy sexual assault vibes and murder and child abuse and experimenting on people and basically just NOT A LOVEABLE VILLAIN but his CONCEPT held so much potential to be filled by a sympathetic character instead...

So yeah then cos of him i kept being obsessed with finding SOME CHARACTER SOMEWHERE that actually lived up tp that potential, and thats why i was instantly interested in charon from pokemon and totally on edge waiting for the slightest chance for him to become That Perfect Sass Gramps Of Legend. And then he was indeed sassy!! And had so little screenyime that there was potential for interpretation of him as potentially redeemable cos i mean the game never said he wasnt, the game barely said anything about him at all, lol. And he was so old and small and frail looking and i just wanted to protect him!! And then that one wifi event that actually hinted at synpatheticness!! Aaaa its a recipe for a Forever Fave~

And i guess maybe it all started with my grandma being awesome and me really missing her? Cos i had shitty abusive parents and she was my ONLY good family member who showed me what love was like. And she was also basically a supervillain. Like every damn supervillain trait except being evil! She was bombastic and confident and sassy and mischievious and loud and passionate about stuff and always had something funny to say and never gave up no matter how many times she failed. And she also used all that great power for the forces of good!

So yeh thats why i love sassy good guys and i hate that often even when a sassy villain gets redeemed they seem to lose all their edge and become more generic now theyre a good guy. Or they get totally sidelined with no screentime anymore, or they ONLY get to be comic relief and dont get the full and complex redemption they deserve. Or just a lot of bads!! Its never the simplest answer of just fuckin.. Keep the character the character. Thats kinda why i didnt feel too much for the maleficent movie even though the concept itself sounded like everything i ever wanted. The character in that movie is a very different person to origibal maleficent, she's more just a stoic tsundere mumsy figure than a hammy badass iconicness. Still a nice villain redemption but it felt like it would have been better as an original story instead of an attempted maleficent. Also i wish they handled it better with the whole "true love's kiss could be from your mum instead" thing cos i get sooooo grossed out whenever i see people shipping movie maleficent and aurora! Like yes sleeping beauty with lesbians would be great but not when one of them is old enough to be her mum and raised her like a mum and changed her goddamn diapers! Also why did they have to ruin the three good fairies just to make maleficent have the mum opportunity? Like just remove them from the story if you wanted maleficent to raise the kid instead. No need to rewrite them into incompetant assholes when they were everyone's fave part of the original! Dont sacrifice the rare and elusive Good Sassy Gay Aunts!! THEYRE LIKE THE ONLY ONES IN DIDNEY!!! (Incodentally merlin is the equivelant of this to hades as the fairies are to ursula)

Also also villains tend to have ACTUAL FLAWS in stories that have a more boring bland protagonist. I wanna see the story behind charon's neuroses and how he struggles with overcoming his temptation to be bad because of greed but ultimately manages to conquer his own negative side because power of friendship and such. Thats a great character arc that provides so much more than he does as a villain where they just wasted him entirely :(

SO BASICALLY IN SUMMARY

* villains are often more complex and well developed characters with flaws while the same wroter might make shitty heroes due to the illogical fear that nobody would root for them if they werent 100% perfect and successful at everything ever

* villains are also often made as negative stereotypes of minorities and other rarely seen traits, which means its easy to reach out to them and reclaim them as a more positive version when theres literally no other options for you to cling to

* the quite common accidental sympathy factor where a villain will seem to be hated more than they deserve for their actions, ir unjustly punished so much that they feel like an underdog, since the writer assumes you'll think theyre "more evil" for being a stereotype and if you dont agree that this thing is bad then it seems like they have way less sins than the story claims they do

* also sass. Sass is good.

But basically the whole root of it is that its stupid and cruel and doesnt goddamn work when you make villains bigoted stereotypes. It just makes me love them! The only person i hate when i see a stereotypical villain is the writer who thought that was a good idea, lol. Just imagine that meme of the samurai holding the cat but its me holding all disney villains!

Also even if a villain isnt outright intentionally meant to be "this minority is bad", it can still make me symoathetic to them if theyre still something thats rare amoung the hero side in the same series. Like charon being the "most unredeemable" villain despite being the most harmless and funny and his plan being so much less world destroying than cyrus, and also he's the only grandpa villain in like.. The whole of all. And he's drawn very much in that way thays supposed to be "ugly" i.e normal grandpa, vs that weird sort of younger than he looks grandpa that hero ones tend to be because blablabla beauty ewuals goodness anti body positivity whatever. Tho actually sinnoh was good with that, they had the best grandpa professor in my opinion cos he got to be sassy too! Rowan always reminds me of auron from ff10. Sinnoh was a good game where i liked a lot of both the heroes and villains even if i still had more villain faves cos i mean pokemon is always biased towards that for me since every game has a voiceless perosnalityless main character and often theyre the one doing most of the heroing with the supporting hero characters having surprisingly little proper screen time. Thats a big part of why i loved hau gladion and lillie in sun and moon! They felt more like a real friend group than any other ones before.

ANYWAY now im just going offtopic into more "i love lots of stuff about every pokemon game" so ill stop typing now

But just basically VILLAINS ARE GOOD COS THEYRE GOOD CHARACTERS and if those stories gavethe same character a good guy role then id still love them just as much, if not more. I dont specifically like villainy, its just that my definition of a good character is often considered a bad character by lazy writers, apparantly?

Also WHERE IS MY SUPPORTIVE GOOD GRAMPS CHARON GAME AND GAY AUNTIE URSULA GIVES YOU FASHION TIPS SMARTPHONE MMO

[murlinxmaverick]

Max-Q

This is the start. We just made a decision that we must keep. I cant remember exactly what it was but I thought out the whole idea and it was beautiful, sexy, spontaneous, and all that great stuff. But its gone. I cant remember it any more so this is my attempt to remebering it as it was in that moment of escapism. This blog is for you. This is the start of becoming the person you are today, a letter from your past self. I’m making changes to this shit life. I started writing this thing like 6 days ago or something and I cant remember wtf I wanted to say. We had a revelation of what the future can bring if you just put everything into it. I want to break the boundaries and go above the limits of this shit life. 

user912968235, you are no longer bounded to your role. You are free to do anything. lets go to the fucking stars because we are literally ripping the mental shackles off. i can actually feel pain in my arms as im writing this. its probably from the way I’m sitting but I will not let the irony just slip by like so many other opportunities have. And right now what we need to focus on is the shit memory we have, or maybe by now, I have. I want this life to be writn by your hand and not the hand of an other. take control of this narrative, write a fucking campaign like some mad scientist on shrums. Lets fuck shit up. Lets find the love of our life. lets build a home where everyone wants to be, a place where people come and ask to stay. never turning down those you love. family, friends and just great people. 

Lets stay humble and work hard every moment we get. but also take breaks and let loose when the time is right. dont be lazy. because you had loads of time and youve wasted so much of it. But we are at a critical point, Max-Q aint no joke, we can really fuck it up here. We must start to plan out our future. I’m talking self image, ladies and career. we are starting at rock bottem because thats where i am. but not for long. this starship is not going to stay grounded for long. (starshitp just crashed) I’m talking werried i know. i must think about what I say before saying, my instinctive verbal responses are never wha people want to hear, lets start thinking. I have some serioius mental issues and the mind is so powerful. It should be functioning at max capacity, or else whats the point. i need to send this bitch to the garage because its not working right. Im going insane. like you cant stay focused on one thing and because of that you cant remember shit. like wtf dude, just slow down and live in the moment. remember to acknowledge yourself and the little victories. You hear this all the time and its kinda true. buit the difference is no one has your life and no one will ever have your life so no one can tell you what is right. you must decide. i must decide. and i have. i have decided to be an artist, a scientist, a pornstar, and teacher, a great son, a great brother, a great friend to those who are great. Im tired of esisting, i want to live. 

Lets do a recap: 2020 has been shit. I cannot remember shit because most of it you would rather forget. For instance, all the masterbation, the porn watching. you do it too much for not to be part of your income. Be a journalist for playboy or something. like please, get something out of looking at these computer ladies all the time. Diahann got away. that fucking sucked. We tought about contacting Erika, just get her to be a voice actress in you movie. that is your oplan on getting her back. uhm what else. look at how low dropping out of college is on this thing. why? like I really dont care, do I? so yeah we got to get back to that and finish. because we need to be done with it. just make sure to keep practicing and well finish. You did! Music still isnt a big part of our life. the world is at your fingertips and all you can seem to view is shit like google, and social media. this year youve gotten closest to drawing by searching things that influence you. We are going to sell advertisments. but we must build outr protfolio. you Just made the email adress today. that had to have been the easiest and hardest step you have taken. (the first little acievement acknowledged) What else... IDK whatever. time to focus on the future. 

So the plan is to not put somuch pressure on yourself, time to give yourself less to think about. stay busy. dont let anytime go to waste and use it on fewer things. or more things, idk , you dont do much as of right now. But yes. the remainder of 2020 will be used to plan for the future, we want hot chicks lots of money and true happiness in our future. lets get organized and lets change it up. i want three comics done, wake up being the focus, then that adult comic you have in mind with the black market and buying a girl. idk some crazy shit. just do it. let your demons free. think of the craziest shit and hide it in plain sight. fix your car and make it worth driving. because its kinda shit. focus your story to being about reusing. education, and storage. Maximize your brain and push it to its limits. do let the time slip. Time slippage is damaging your tools to grow. Plan on remembering more information. read. write. film. photograph, invest. do it. you cant continue like this. Plan like you are the person you want to be and you will becomethat person. And most importantly, you must reflect, that is the most important part rightnow. Work on a play. Make it powerful. that can be a form of reflection. but make sure you are planning a future that you want. you cannot be successful if you do not.

The girl: this is probably the biggest part to you rightnow. she is going to be everything you want. and you must be everything she wants. so think along those lines and do what you need to do make that happen. she going to be beautiful and you are going to keep being reminded everytime you look at her, and she will know by the way you look at her, wha you say and what you do. fuck her till she cant form sentences. Be that guy, thats who i want to be. i wnat small tits. please. you know!

And take it one step at a time. just try to be productive with your time. Keep learning. today Diana thanked me for opening up to her because when she asked how i was feeling i replied with” stressed horny tired and depressed” instead of the usual “ok” and she really liked that. i need to be better at talking to her but also choose your words wisely, she loves to talk. I dont trust her to keep a secret. that might be a friendship thats worth keeping though, i think her and Nani will get along. 

i am broken in so many ways. and a lot of is is simply neglect. pay attention to it all and fix it. start exposing yourself the be best and become the best. Train the brain everymoment you get. because right now its starting to feel like a burden. like your thoughts are holding you back, but instead they are whats propelling you forward. i am proud of who i am regardless of my past mistakes. Keep yout back straight and head up. 

Ihate doing something and it not being perfect. that is what is keeping me from doing anything, and now i have done nothing. i need to react to not doing something perfect differnetly then i have because i cant keep doing the same things, its whats keeping me back. you are gemini. what ever the fuck that means. if you need someone to hold you accountable, then stream your shit and act like someone is always watching you. Do porn. (<jesus fuck im funy) .

that brings me to the topic of astrology. i am going to study this shit like its some kind of science and im going to use this knowledge to fuck hot women. i swear its going to be a mind fuck of total satisfaction. yes. 

This is going nowhere at this point. back to future me. Adopt a kid and mold that mother fucker into a fucking jem. and be the kind of guy he will always look up to and he will become someone you look up to. acknowledge his ideas as an equal. and get strong. we gotta be able to protect them from anything. 

gotta look good too, start buying like you know who you are. you are everyone and everything is going this way for a reason. i wnat to be responsable and i need to look the part.

[roaringfuck]

idek what to wrote so im shit posting but i have a lot of feelings rn thst are difficult to navigate like i like this girl shes my best fried. i have a history of liking ppl but their infatuations not genuine and i, this iscommon but it makes me feel like a bad personso i got caught up in thinking am ia bad person for liking her? also she was straight so i jever consideredit and them she stopped being straight and my crush developed and thne i told some friends abt it and i was excited to likeher and whatever then the whole infwtuation thing? and i was like no its not an infatuation bc i rlly just wanna soend time w her. for background i also dont ever confesscuzi did once and super embarrassing and im prideful but also like what if i destroy our current relationship over something thatll never come to be but then also like its not fairof me to sayitll necerr cometo be, ik its unfair of me to do this bc im essentially just making myself feel like shit inthis sick peeudo masterbatory fself flagellating thungwhere i like someone and its oure then my brain attacksitself and sshames itself for having deelings and makes it thinkits doing somethjng wrong and i never just tell the person and give them agency over their feelings bc pf two things: a) i like to suffer in the disappointment of the unknown? like ill sit here and beat myself up saying theyll never kike me bci suck and im fat and ugly and horrible and bad personality or whatever but essentially im weaponizing my crush against myself as a formof self harm and also bc b) very genuinely i dont wanna get rejected and chanheour relationship bc i doe uinely love this person. which cotnradicts all the ugly things in part a but bc of my gross oldy heart and crippled ego and sense of self worth and literally cant let myself feel anything wholesome without casting it in some dark light and lying to myself and telling me i am swxretly evil when im not?? but i also am scared bc what if i am?? and i just cant tell???? so the. i just keep floating in limbo hating myself over and over but quietly so as to not indulge in it (bc i rlly am trying to be kinder to myself but its hard) until one day ilook up and everything has passed me by andim not the same person nd neither are they and im wasting my time and i dont simply dont wanna feel like that anymore and 8 simply dont want to feel anymore so i turn off my feelings, hsving sampled the woes of unrequited love and deciding its notthe life i wanna live right now,maybe my time will come (god i hope i wish i dream my time for love and peace and happiness will come) but until then im gonna vibe out and sneer at men and just keep doing that but also i fear i will grow old and bitter and alone and ugly and hateful. bc i. ery well could. and honestly im a piece of shit most of the time so its probably what i deserve (even if its jsut what i deserve flr not having faith i wont be happy lol) to live my life like that. idk. depression i weird bc udont feel alive but i know im gonna keep living. i usually have some hope that eventually i wont feel sad anymore but every once in a while i wonder, what if this never stops and i always feel empty and create drsma internally sp i can beat myself up over my insufficiency just to feel something until i go numb again. and that paralyzes me like i cant imagine forever feeling like this. but time movesso fast im not gonna ahave to time dig myself out beforeive grown tookld to recover and that makes me wanna die sometimes. idk how i got here from ranting sbt my crush but wild how u spiral soemtimes 🤪🤪🤪 but theres also an important part of me where my feelings arent invalid. i gaslight myself a lot and tell myself i talked myself into this crush to hurt my feelings but like no im not entirely corrupted i have feelings im a person a complex person aand im not alone in my dilemmas and im not a bad person but its hard to remember that sometimes when ur brain is set to self destruct. anyways. i do have a crush on her and she p much told me abt this other girl she was interested in and also abt a guy she

used to flirt with and has been subtweeting abt a gilr on twitter she likes and i just.

really wish she was talking ant me. i wish one day she would say hey ive geen meaning to say... i wish she would hold my hand and smile at me and feel butterfkies when she sees me and i wish i could play with her fingers and sit in her car and talk for hours. and its ok rthat we arent and probably wont and i will be thrilled for her whoever she ends up with ofc bc i love her v dearly. and i know she loves me very dearly and wishes the same thing for me. i just wish we were actually wishing for the same thing

[lanznathanjohn]

A Savant’s Lament

      [prologue] A dead line drew near. I stayed late at night at one of those coffee shops right by the main road, cherishing the consumerist capitalist essence of overpriced coffee I, for the first time, paid for. —Before the last sip, I finalized everything, giving myself the illusion of accomplished work. Something I skillfully mastered throughout his secondary education years. There was no value of producing an honest //sincere output as long as the given output went according to the given standards. With nothing to write that inexplicably went against the purposeful expression and communication, everything there was to say was nothing but a vitriolic attempt to use prolific language addressing an achromatic dogma of artful expression since its meaning has been reduced to an esoteric virtue, a mere quest to an idiosyncratic form of communication that aims to bring the beholders to a certain state of fanciful impression.  ───

        I left the coffee shop satisfied at the amount of work I’ve done ─if there’s any, and at the length of time I spent inside the place, making the most out of the comfortable chairs and the aesthetically pleasing ambiance. Overstaying was the answer to overpriced coffee. I walked across an empty street. The gloom that enveloped the skies was disturbing, more so that the caffeine in my body triggered palpitations and anxiety. I fished deep in my pockets for quite some time until looking for something ─eventually I found it in the back pocket of my backpack. I grabbed the pack along with the wooden matches. There was only one stick left —the wish stick. With my hands shaking sweaty; I lit the red Marlboros and inhaled quite a drag. Almost instantly I felt the nicotine—pass through my lungs and onto my head. A flush of nausea// and lightheadedness immediately dimmed my vision. Caffeine /and nicotine surely isn’t a decent mix but along with it comes—a satisfying pleasurable type of pain. It wasn’t idealbut vices and virtues were the only things that kept me running and run I did. I looked for somewhere to stay. Everything is so dull. I called my conyo millennial manileno friends —what the hell are they so proud about they can’t even speak straight english they //talk like shit shit flowing out of their mouths vomiting words that has no meaning meaning nothing okay okay okay what the hell. Maybe I’m one of them or maybe not but at least I’m self—aware maybe that’s the difference the difference is that I’m self—aware i know I’m shit and I’m feeling like shit so even if I’m shit I’m not like shit shit. Some people are really shit like they swallowed a dictionary whole and they shit out the words out of their mouth nothing of meaning comes out nothing nothing—nothing really matters anymore anyway. They’re nowhere near. But I told them I need them and they’re coming //coming for me. I was thinking if I should call my other group of friends. The uncivilized illiterate bunch of retarded retards that has nothing to do other than have fun fun fun crazy crazy stuff but I can’t be with the same people all the time eventually you’ll run out of things to say and things to do so

       I’m here waiting working drinking smoking waiting waiting finally here they come here they come at long last I’m happy// I’m happy happy and excited and thrilled —I’ve been here for days years decades already coming walking nearer here they come here they come ohmygod dear lord —wait, shit what are you saying you can’t come I’ve been waiting oh whatever fuck off yeah sure it’s fine take care —no one’s going with me tonight then then whatever I have nowhere to go nothing to do no one to talk to. I’m just a caffeinated junkie with a superior intelligence quotient and an artistic head full of thoughts thoughts I can’t think straight anymore maybe another shot will help //gulp// oh what the hell am i saying speaking thinking its like im stupid dumb well shit im wasting everything wasting wasting my brain my brain cells my neurons my neurological capacity im not even here to enjoy no —what’s there to enjoy //partying isn’t my jam —jam //jam im just here because im sort of exploring human behavior sort of embarking on a mission to seek seek seek understanding about the reality of human society and the essence of chemically induced —yeah yeah yeah that sounds smart fuck yeah im back the smart ass is back im smart it does sound smart right right you know why? It’s cause I’m smart smart smart like really intelligent my iq is so high its like my iq smoked weed weed like really good shit weed that’s how high very high high—high //

       But im tired tired like really really tired not tired tired but bored exhausted tired of this and this and that and this again and again and again //nothing new just study work study work eat and eat wheres the adventure and satisfactionfeels like a distant memory—the only thing that can bring me closer is doing illegal underage shit //but law is just a social construct so is beauty and consumerism—and—capitalism and fucked up educational system and shit jobs poverty hunger dirt work work //do this and do that buy buy buy survive contribute to society and economy and money money money //is this what life is im pretty sure this isnt what life is supposed to be //suppose i stop giving a shit and drop dead //but no i want to live why would i want to die sometimes i dont //even i cant even understand myself i want to live but if i cant live id rather die instead that doesnt make any sense does it because i really hope i make sense it makes sense to me why cant it—make sense to other people i really try my best to make sense of everything and anything even if it doesnt make sense—but really //sometimes youre the one whos gotta //make sense of something —cause sometimes wherever or whoever the whatever it is that you need to make sense out of came// —from that someone or something //probably cant make sense out of it either isnt that poetic and abstract sometimes—some genius just flicks his—or—her his—or—her or—something—in—between paintbrush or splashes paint or throws in junk and junk and more junk and //i have absolutely no idea what im doing nor do they but its—up up up up! to you if you can make a meaning out of it and thats the meaning meaning it doesnt mean anything //unless you find meaning in it but this—whatever—this is whatever this is can you make—meaning out—of this// i—hope you do i really-want a high grade i deserve it i deserve it i deserve it i deserve i am i am worthy i am worth-something ─i am worth everything and—and everything because i am everything i can be anyone—anything in the// sunrise —sunrise-sun—rise if —if you want me to be //if you want me to be a sympathetic prophetic socratic junkie literary—genius //copyright-infringing plagiarizing—lover honest—student alcoholic-smoker chaste—ignorant literate political practical-devoted—christian atheist—//agnostic-deist and thats me-me—me—I—//am-am—I—am—every//everything—thing—im—anything—//and—I—can be anyone but -I’m -nothing but a-dead-//line-so-I-am-no-one-//no-one-one-one-one-two-three

       [Epilogue] I woke up. Scattered on the floor were empty beer bottles. On the table were some left overs and wet chips. On the ashtrays were half smoked cigarettes. I had no idea what happened. I remembered I had to go somewhere. I smelled like beer and piss and other types of liquids but it doesn’t matter. I needed to go somewhere because someone told me to go there. It was my duty as a member of society. And so as light at the end of the hallway slowly crept against the darkness the sun rose from the horizon and another day began, I walked. I still have a dead line to meet.

092316xxxx

[curlyshepards]

LITERALLY i want all of them for curly shepard

IM SORRY TO THE MOBILE USERS WHO THIS WILL NOT APPEAR UNDER A READ MORE FOR

What does their bedroom look like?

idk why i’m such a firm believer of this BUT: tim and curly share a room, so typically half of it is clean and the other half (curly’s half) is a fucking mess all the time

Do they have any daily rituals?

every day for lunch at school him & his friends just go under the bleachers and drink. unfortunately curly has no limits so when lunch is over he usually just ends up ditching the rest of the day to go continue drinking somewhere else

Do they exercise, and if so, what do they do? How often?

he doesn’t make a conscience effort to exercise, but he walks basically everywhere when tim has the car. so he’s in pretty good shape bc of that & bc of fighting

What would they do if they needed to make dinner but the kitchen was busy?

curly has never made dinner a day in his life and will never make an attempt to nor does anyone want him to. if theres nothing already made at the house he’ll either just go without or go to the diner

Cleanliness habits (personal, workspace, etc.)

he’s a generally messy person, but he takes pride in his looks so he takes care of himself. he’s always clean shaven and smells really good. his room, however, is a disaster scene

Eating habits and sample daily menu

usually not awake for breakfast, and for lunch he’ll scrap up whatever he can find in his house (probably ends up being a sandwich or cereal) and for dinner he’ll follow tim somewhere and make him buy him dinner. he loves eating at the diner and never underestimate his ability to eat breakfast meals at 11 o clock at night

Favorite way to waste time and feelings surrounding wasting time

his sole reason for going to school is to waste time (thats what he tells everyone at least but its rlly because tim will not let him drop out) but if hes not in school then he’s probably just walking around his neighborhood w/ his friends or hanging out at the strip trynna start fights

Favorite indulgence and feelings surrounding indulging

dont.....really know what this means. all im thinkin about is that chocolate stuff. but he likes chocolate so lets go with that. he could eat 50 kit kats in a row, probably

Makeup?

makeup sex? absolutely. he’ll start a fight with his boo just for the sex

Neuroses? Do they recognize them as such?

i honestly dont see him having a mental illness

Intellectual pursuits?

intellectual isn’t really his thing. BUT  i can see him really liking labs and stuff

Favorite book genre?

he hATES reading, but mostly because he’‘s dyslexic and he was brought up thinking that he was dumb bc he had trouble reading. ponyboy is the one that ends up helping him, though, and sometimes he’ll read to curly (action books bc they’re the only ones that’ll keep curly’s attention. there are numerous times he regrets the decision bc curly cant keep quiet for more than a few minutes.)

Sexual Orientation? And, regardless of own orientation, thoughts on sexual orientation in general?

(i can already see the purly supporters @’ing me yikes) but PERSONALLY i think he’s straight. idk what this means by thoughts on s.o. in general but im bisexual ??? idc about sexual orientation ??

Physical abnormalities? (Both visible and not, including injuries/disabilities, long-term illnesses, food-intolerances, etc.)

he’s got a lot of scars, mostly on his knuckles but a few up and down his arms. he’s deathly allergic to seafood but doesn’t care bc it looks gross to him anyway.

Biggest and smallest short term goal?

biggest: honestly just making it through another day is an achievement to him

smallest: he swears that one day he will beat sodapop curtis in a drag race

Biggest and smallest long term goal?

biggest: being as respected as tim is when he’s older

smallest: he will own a puppy at some point

Preferred mode of dress and rituals surrounding dress

white t-shirt, jeans, tennis shoes, and if its not too hot then a leather jacket. he hates jean jackets tho and WILL make fun of anyone who wears them

Favorite beverage?

beer. but also pepsi. hes weird.

What do they think about before falling asleep at night?

we’re about to get deep. on good nights he just thinks about his day. there’s never a boring time with him, so he’s always got a lot to think about. he could be thinking about a girl he’s met or just hooked up with, or about what his friends got into. on bad nights though, he thinks about his dad and how he never got to know him. he thinks about how maybe he’ll never be like tim, and he’ll never be the brother that angie falls back on (that doesn’t bother him as much as it should, but it still pops into his mind) the number one thing that keeps him awake is never amounting to the shepard name

Childhood illnesses? Any interesting stories behind them?

just stupidity. he broke a lot of bones, needed a lot of stitches, and was bed bound too many times to count. there was one incident that tim loves to tell: the first time curly got into a fight. the guy was two times bigger than curly, but he didn’t care. the fight was done in 5 minutes, and curly had his first broken nose

Turn-ons? Turn-offs?

turn ons: i can see him really liking outgoing girls/ girls that are upfront. also neck kisses, collarbone kisses, hair pulling, back scratching

turn offs: daddy kink (seriously, its gross, stop forcing this on my son. he already has enough daddy issues) but nothing else really he will do basically anything

Given a blank piece of paper, a pencil, and nothing to do, what would happen?

either a very crude & poorly done drawing or a sign that says “curly is the hottest shepard”

How organized are they? How does this organization/disorganization manifest in their everyday life?

he is NOT. it doesnt really bother him that hes disorganized, but it drives tim up the wall. he’s always getting onto curly for being a slob

Is there one subject of study that they excel at? Or do they even care about intellectual pursuits at all?

he doesn’t really care, but since he’s forced to go to school he might as well enjoy something, which ends up being the labs in science. he likes the dissections, mostly, but he thinks looking into the microscopes are cool too (mostly bc him and his friends make shapes out of the slides)

How do they see themselves 5 years from today?

alive, hopefully

Do they have any plans for the future? Any contingency plans if things don’t workout?

he kinda just takes it day by day and doesnt care about the future. hes a strong believer that things will fall into place if theyre supposed to happen

What is their biggest regret?

probably being too emotional and not toughening up enough when he was younger

Who do they see as their best friend? Their worst enemy?

SO this is an OC but his best friend is a guy in the gang named brian. his worst enemy is also in the gang and his name is jimmy and he fucking hates that kid.

Reaction to sudden extrapersonal disaster (eg The house is on fire! What do they do?)

he’s probably the one that caused the disaster, so he immediately tries to fix it on his own. which usually works, but it leaves a mess behind that he’ll attempt (and fail) to cover up. a few hours later he’ll get chewed out by tim.

Reaction to sudden intrapersonal disaster (eg close family member suddenly dies)

so lets say tim dies. tim is the only person that curly is really close to, because if there’s one thing that he learned from his brother it’s to never let anyone too close. but he always thought that tim would be there for him so he worshipped him. but ANYWAY tim dies and curly shuts down. i can honestly see him losing it bc tim was all curly ever knew, he was always there to fix the mess curly got himself in and now he’s just kinda alone in the world. he’d still have the gang, but they’d remind him too much of his brother, so he’d eventually cut ties with them. it’d take a major, new person to bring him out of his stump, and thats if he ever really brings himself back to normal

Most prized possession?

the hand-me-down leather jacket tim gave him

Thoughts on material possessions in general?

doesnt really care about them bc he doesnt have a lot. he likes the things with meaning, but couldnt care less about expensive & nice things

Concept of home and family?

hes VERY family oriented and a huge mama’s boy, but he hates his step dad. he’d do anything to protect angela and anything that tim asked him. family always comes first with him

Thoughts on privacy? (Are they a private person, or are they prone to ‘TMI’?)

it kinda depends. on his sexual life hes really TMI, but about emotions and family and secrets he’s really private. you could count on one hand the amount of people that he’s told private stuff to, and even then they don’t know the full story. i think the only people who would ever truly know him are tim and his significant other

What activities do they enjoy, but consider to be a waste of time?

football!! and hes actually good at it. tim never plays tho so the only time he gets to is with the curtis gang

What makes them feel guilty?

fucking up on a gang job and letting tim down

Are they more analytical or more emotional in their decision-making?

more emotional!! that’s the biggest difference between curly and tim. tim will think of the long-term effects before making a decision, where curly is more of an “act now, think later” type person. his decisions are usually the wrong ones, but they make for a better story

Would they consider themselves a Type A or Type B personality?

i’d wanna say type B, because he is super laid back and easy going and isn’t really competitive (unless its for a joke)

What recharges them when they’re feeling drained?

getting away for a while. he loves driving and ive always seen him as having a little secluded spot that he goes to by himself during his teenage years. eventually though he finds the right person that he can take, and just being with them makes him feel better

Would you say that they have a superiority-complex? Inferiority-complex? Neither?

neither tbh. he may think that he’s better than some greasers (because honestly he is) but he doesnt think of himself as above other classes. he finds it unfair that socs and middle class people have a superiority complex, so it’d be dumb for him to have one. he just thinks everyone should be equal (but he knows theyre not, and for that reason he’ll fight any soc he can get his hands on)

How misanthropic are they?

hes very easy to get along with if you come from the same type of neighborhood. he’s open to everyone that’s cool with his gang, but he’ll be the worst kind of person to rival gangs and rich people. so he doesnt dislike people, because he can be a really cool guy, you just have to come from his streets

Hobbies?

football, fighting, drinking, poker. y’know, d00d stuff

How far did they get in formal education? What are their views on formal education vs self-education?

he graduates high school and thats it. and he definitely values self education more, the stuff he’s learned by himself ahve been more useful to him than the Pythagorean theorem ever will be  

Religion?

he believes in a god but never really thinks about it. hes not religious by any means but i think it kinda comforts him knowing something comes after life

Superstitions or views on the occult?

he doesnt believe in superstitions imo!!

Do they express their thoughts through words or deeds?

both. he’ll talk a big game and then follow through with his promises

If they were to fall in love, who (or what) is their ideal?

THE QUESTION IVE BEEN WAITING FOR OK if curly ever fell in love, it’d be with someone making him feel okay with being him. they’d make him want to be a better man & not just a mini tim. they’d have to accept that curly would always idolize his brother, but they’d also help him detach a little. they’d love him for him and accept the fact that they can’t change him. they’d probably be just as wild as he is, bc they’d have to keep up with his lifestyle. they couldn’t take life too seriously and would never know what the future had in store for them. i can see curly eventually being able to be romantic, but it’d never be in public

How do they express love?

kisses, holding hands, little acts of kindness (giving them something that reminded him of them, asking how their day was, remembering little things)

If this person were to get into a fist fight, what is their fighting style like?

daddy came to win

Is this person afraid of dying? Why or why not?

nah i dont think he is. i think he’s kinda accepted that there is a very real possibility that he won’t make it past 30 w the way he’s living, so that’s why he takes it day by day

[swampgallows]

really feel like im gonna struggle to ever integrate into society. i struggle to chill w people my own age because a lot of them have careers n shit (i think... i guess? i dont really know actually lmao cause i dont talk to em) or theyre dating people and i cant really tell people what im up to because theyre condescending about it. “oh youre still into the rave thing huh?” yeah i’m “still into” it, sorry. you got two kids and a husband and youre living w your parents still too, that’s not a life i envy. id rather keep my ‘childish’ interests, thanks.

and i dont drink or do drugs so a lot of Adult Outings make me uncomfortable or are not right for me. and any time i want to find sober anything it becomes religious or recovery related, or it is considered exclusively for children. i have no problem being in the vicinity of alcohol but i dont want to hang w people while they’re using controlling substances because it sucks for everybody involved: they cant enjoy themselves because they feel self-conscious around me being the sober one, and then i feel bad for making them self-conscious but am also uncomfortable with them using substances around me. and of course i mean substances for the purpose of getting fucked up, not as medication. except in the case of weed which is a huge monumentally major trigger for me (whether i mentally prepare myself to be around it or not).

raves are the perfect blend for me. people who wanna get fucked up can, people who dont want to dont have to, and everybody is there to have a good time in their own way. they wear what they want, they dance how they want, and they generally dont infringe on anybody else’s good time with weird stuff like sexual advances or whatever. and if something like that is going down (like when RTC strips down and starts fucking on stage basically) you can always go somewhere else without having to sacrifice listening to the music or enjoying yourself otherwise. there’s generally outdoor areas (or people will let you in/out if it’s not the shadiest) to chill or if you need a breather, people are willing to help you, etc. i dunno raves compared to clubs or bars are vastly VASTLY superior. youd think id be able to stand the latter two since i rave all the time but i just cant (also because there is never any good music at clubs).

plus im not dating anybody and being ace is a shit and a half in terms of All of That, it’s another fuckin hang up on my perceived adulthood that im unpalatable or a freak or something is wrong w me if i’ve “gone this long” being single. sorry all the dudes who have been into me have been petulant children or massive abusive jerks and im not open enough about my bi-ness to be visible to women i dont think. either way im entirely de-sexed and this is the age where people are definitely fuckin, and fuckin with a PURPOSE. theyve all had like ten years of practice by this point (whether actually having sex or not, theyre just programmed to understand it) and so most people dont have time for a stiff like me who really doesnt give a shit about sex or ranges to even actively fucking hating it. i also havent developed feelings for anybody in a long time unless you count my tumblr crush (who im pretty sure has a partner anyway lmao and they seem pretty sexual actually so i dont think theyd, among many other reasons, give a shit about my dumb ass) and that can be really alienating too. 

my high school best friend got married yet to me i feel like the only development i’ve had since high school is Trauma and mental illness. like i developed dissociative episodes in the last few years whereas in high school i basically only had the chronic insomnia and hypnagogic hallucinations. i mean i certainly think i’ve developed AS A PERSON in HUMONGOUS strides since high school but i know people i knew then will just be like “oh you still do ‘the rave thing’ and play WoW, huh?”

like yeah, i dunno, FUCK ME for enjoying my interests. i quit wow when i needed to and im glad i did but it’s not WoW’s fault i entered a morass of suicidal depression in the years i wasnt playing. WoW had run its course at that time in my life. and at the latter end of that i was going to raves regularly, making the BEST lifelong friends i have ever had, and generally being part of something greater, part of a community that genuinely cared about me. i was working out further kinks with my ability to socialize and love and be open to people (as i will continue to do until i die) but i feel there is arguably a much larger capacity to love in me than before. so i still wear kandi, so i still wear black clothing, so i still prattle on about orcs and trolls. fuck off. at least now i dont hate myself and let myself get raped every day, at least now im not mindlessly swallowing and regurgitating actively racist rhetoric out of fear of confronting my parents’ hatred or by surrounding myself with the dregs of society, at least now i dont want to “sew up my vagina” because i detest my womanhood and the men who covet(ed) it

currently i play wow honestly like maybe twice a week. i went on a bender with diego my REAL LIFE FRIEND LMFAO (like what, stop enjoying time w your friends, it isnt grown up!) a few days ago and we played for like 6 straight hours which was pretty fuckin wild. i think about wow a LOT like TOO mcuh and all of my art recently has been wow-related but holy shit i am drawing at least 

since playing wow again (almost concurrent with when i had started my job) i did more drawing than i did in probably all 4.5 years of college, assignments or otherwise. i was drawing EVERY DAY, legitimately, even if they were just quick scribbles. and when i wasnt i was writing every single fucking day. and when i wasnt, i was READING. like FUCK me for having warcraft as a motivation to do fucking anything in my goddamn life. youre right, abandoning my interests and adopting ones i hate for the sake of appearing more adult is totally worth the mind-numbing soul-eating depression i crumble into without these silly safety nets.

like that’s all it is. it’s silly. raves are silly. video games are silly. “good luck getting laid” thanks i dont need it. “good luck finding someone who loves you” fuck you i have plenty of people who love me BECAUSE of the things i love, not “in spite” of them, not in some tongue-in-cheek “That’s our Swamp!” fashion. they say, “THIS IS GREAT. PLEASE MAKE MORE.” they say, “THIS IS GREAT. PLEASE TELL ME MORE.” they say, “THIS IS GREAT. PLEASE PLAY MORE.” (that last one is about music, not warcraft lol).

but i mean i do worry about it, worry about being “too insular” as some critical piece of shit idiot put it to the point of being unrelatable. I dont want to alienate myself from people of course, nor do i want to get so wrapped up in fantasy that i lose myself. and that’s something i was tearing myself apart about during my episode earlier, just that “I have to get off the internet” because while i think and do all of this stuff, “Me” is just sitting in my bed rotting. Even when im drawing or up at my tables mixing i know it’s still just me, in my house, sealed off from the world, and i started having panic because i was telling myself “i want to go home” over and over but i am at home, i’m in my bed, but i realized of course that home is not in this house. home is many places for me, but it’s also why im SO enthusiastic about wow again: it is home. and believe me im getting wary of just how fucking much i am eating breathing sleeping dreaming (literally dreaming) warcraft because while i dont know if i was ever “addicted” i, again, dont want to be so swept up that i forget im a person (and with dpdr that shit is way potent). that and uhh i got shit to do, but mostly... it’s not real. and i know im setting myself up for failure and heartbreak again by yearning for something that cannot exist no matter how much i set my mind and hands to create it.

i feel hurt physically by the fact that there are “only humans”. i mean there are infinite different kinds of humans, but it’s more of an existential quandary than a yearning for an orc boyfriend or something. it’s why we dream up fantastic creatures and aliens in the first place: we’re not alone in the universe, are we? are humans really the only sentient beings out there? we can’t be. we can’t be. “they” say either option—that we are, or are not alone—is equally terrifying but i dont think so. sure we might fear violence or eradication from not being alone, but to know that we are? out of everything we’ve charted and studied, that we’re it? that’s... that’s death. and of course there’s going to be heat death or whatever they say in 6 billion whatever i dont know, so whether we’re alone or not is irrelevant because it will destroy our universe and what happens when there is no universe? and so of course all of this was compounding into panic, of course, of course, jumping from a dumbass thought like “i guess im not as into overwatch because it’s sci-fi but also theyre all humans” straight into “INEVITABLE HEAT DEATH”. so like, really, does it matter that i care about wow lore more than i care about marriage?

i mean, i guess i should have a career, but i dont really know what i could be capable of doing. i dont know if it’s mental illness or discipline or what but even if like metzen himself was like “come work at blizzard!” i would still probably just collapse into a heap of worthlessness and fear. 

i dont know what i fear. i guess i fear that im wasting my time, and by spending my time in another world i dont have to worry about how im spending time in this one. and that’s really, really bad. i dont like that.

i have to make this world worth living in. i have been trying. but i havent gotten very far. in fact, i took some steps backward.

from the edge of the cliff, so... i guess that’s forward in some ways.

[nightandstarlight]

Demeter, Apollo, Ares, Centaur, Siren, Nymph, Agamemnon, Jason, Sun Chariot, Caduceus, Aegis, Golden Fleece, Olympus, Tartarus, Elysium, Ogygia, The Labyrinth? :3c

Asdfghjkdhslñ so many omfg why iLY ((I have to say tho i didnt really think about having to answer more than one of these at a time before i rbed the qs and since im on mobile and theres no way im gonna remember all of them im probsbly gonna do one first and then like edit this post to add the rest or something so it might take a while))

‡Demeter: do you have any pets?

>Unfortunately i dont my dad never wanted us to have any :// last time i had an actual pet living in my house i think it was when i was like 10 y/o or so and they were a couple of turtles who used to escape all the goddamn time like we would literally find them on the street trying to get away from our house even tho we had a enormous backyard and we treated them as well as we possibly could?? idk they prolly hated us so my parents mightve given them away i dont even remember,,, and thenn like two years ago i think i got a pet sheep called peter.. Peter the sheep was only around for a week tho and he wasnt even officially my pet but i loved him as if he were i still miss him and think about him often.. basically that summer when we went to visit my dads brother in misiones we took him with us from my dads farm ? (not really my dads farm but i dont wanna get too sidetracked here lmao) to my uncles farm for breeding or whatever so it was a solid 6-7 drive with him in the bed of our truck and me just starting at him and trying to get attention goD i never thought id care about a sheep that much anyway once we got to misiones we couldnt take him straight away to my uncles farm for whatever logistics reason i never asked about because all it meant was that he would have to stay in my uncles backyard for a couple of days and i would get to spend more time with him !! so thats what happened !! I took tons of pics and recorded him doing nothing and loved him from afar and then i was there when we dropped him off at my uncles farm.. and then i never saw him again.. the saddest part is that weeks later when we were all back home my uncled called my dad to let him know that Peter wasnt even fit for breeding bc rumour has it he had a third testicule lmao so he was technically useless rip peter the sheep ,,, aaaand now that i live alone i really wanna get like a cat or something but i never learned how to take care of anything so im scared i wont know how to if i have to do it all by myself

if i could add tags to this on mobile id apologize for talking so much about peter instead of just answering the question but i cant soz

‡Apollo: What kind of music are you into?

>alt/pop/rock/indie/pop punk,, i dont really like defining it by genres because who knows for sure what do they even mean anymore but the second best way i have to describe my music taste is ~basic white girl who thinks shes special~ and that makes me feel even weirder,, if you want i could try to make a playlist once im back in my apartment like next week or so lmk

‡Ares: whats a big pet peeve of yours?

>probably when people dont listen,, (u mean deaf people?? thats pretty fucked up dude) no lmao i mean people who pretend to listen but dont care about what you have to say or even worse when theyre so self absorbed that they dont even try to act like theyre paying attention and just straight up talk on top of you or interrup you constantly and not even bc they have something important to say but just because they can like whyy ohh or even worse when they do all that and then have the nerve get angry/offended if you dont pay enough attention to them??? Boyyy oh boy i hate that but i *cough love my parents i love themm

‡Centaur: Last book you read?

>all the bright places by jennifer niven,, didnt actually read it but i listened to the audiobook a week ago so i think that counts,, and if audiobooks dont count i read Evenfall by Santino Hassel back in march

‡Siren: Last song you listened to?

>((when i answered this (at 3:30am) i wasnt listening to anything but)) spotify says it was devil in me by halsey,, rn (13:40) im listening to alone by halsey

‡Nymph: Last dream you remember?

>i cant remember any recent ones atm but a couple of weeks ago i dreamt i was dating veronica from riverdale?? I probably posted something on here about that and it was so sweeett other than that idk maybe something about my classmates i see some of them pretty often in my dreams and theyre usually really nice cause i almost never remember any bad dreams/nightmares

‡Agamemnon: whats an achievement that youre proud of?

>i cant think of anything rn maybe getting into uni or coming out to my mom

‡Jason: have you ever travelled abroad?

>nope,, the closest i was to leaving the country was in 2014 when i was gonna go with my english teacher and class to nyc i got my papers and everything ready but then everyone started to come up with reasons why they couldnt go so i was gonna have to go completly alone/with friends of my teacher and their students which i didnt know at all so i got scared and decided not to 3 i know (hope) i’ll get another chance to go tho

‡Sun Chariot: whats your favorite mythological creature

>umm maybe sirens or gorgons im not 100%sure

‡Caduceus: whats your favorite color

>too many for different purposes but mostly purple?

‡Aegis: whats your favorite book or series?

>all for the game by nora sakavic atm

‡Golden Fleece: whats your favorite animal?

>ive loved dolphins since i was a kid but felines are too perfect in too many ways they make me weak at the knees

‡Olympus: describe your dream job

>so i know id looove to have an office job really stable and monotonous and everything like translating books but i also know that im terrified of getting stuck? And i feel like a job like that doesnt really leave much room to grow professionally so even if at the time im happy with just doing that the idea of looking back one day and realizing i sat at a desk and did the same thing for 20 years is not the best (which is ironic bc im wasting my youth ™ doing exsclty that for free basically but yea idk ) Dream job as in actually ~dream~ job would have to be like whatever people did on that show extreme makeover home edition?? I used to be obsessed with that show when i was a kid and i still think its a great idea even if its not as extra and over the top like that was id love to help people that way i could also make this longer but its lowkey too personal

‡Tartarus: Whats a short term goal you hope to achieve?

>going back to therapy and not quitting this time? making friends? Id say improving myself as a person but i feel like thats more of a long term goal but not hating myself rn would be nice,, also something tangible would have to be passing my calc II final that i shouldve taken a year ago and didnt cause i got scared + too depressed to study properly lmaao

‡Elysium: if you could have a superpower, what would it be?

>telekinesis and or being able to teletransport sounds cool

‡Ogygia: describe your dream husband/wife/life partner?

>patient, better at comunication than i am, respectful but that should be obvious, loves puns and bad/dad jokes, loves me? Also loves kids and is okay with adopting cause i definitely wanna adopt childrepn someday

‡The Labyrinth: have you ever died and came back as a vampire?

>not sure if im allowed to talk about this but i bet no one is gonna read all this cause its wayy too long lmao also i dont care anyway so yes, yes i have

half a day later im done!!! i know its a lot I hope its not too boring tho lmao

[punkscowardschampions]

Ali & Carly

Ali: Heyo boo Ali: thanks for Rocky wrangling with me today, you're now also his fave so, add that to your tally Carly: its k i had fun Carly: hes a cutie & cool kid Ali: me too Ali: yeah, he's alright, but cocky enough so I ain't telling him Ali: dunno where he gets that from 😏 Carly: ha Carly: yea idk Carly: no clue Ali: i'm sorry Ro was being off btw, I'm working out why but trust it wasn't you, babe Ali: been neglecting her lately, everyone wants a piece of me Ali: hard life Carly: idc its me too Carly: nobody wants a piece but you Ali: I just told you that ain't true, and Rocky is ruthless, he called one of my customers a 'big bum witch' the other day Ali: no tip for me, thanks dickhead Ali: but I want all of you regardless Ali: willing to throw hands Carly: aw Carly: this town is full of big bum witches tho Carly: my ma back for one Carly: but are you willing to use those hands for good too or Ali: awks if that was your Ma, like hey gurl, I think you rock it Ali: your daughter ain't bad either Ali: you know it, IOU 'cos we couldn't make like we were in the backrow of the cinema Carly: unless she been lying about where she at i think youve avoided meeting the in laws again Carly: k cuz you kno i need to collect soon Carly: bored Carly: just back and zoned out so fast Ali: ain't even got exciting stories from their galavanting? fucking rude Ali: at least when we go AWOL we also go wild Ali: make things happen, lads Carly: my ma's good for nothing but hairspray and peroxide Carly: only use if i get beat up again Carly: my da's good for cash tho if you wanna get wild w me Ali: or you wanna single white female me Ali: which would be a disappointing outcome to say the least Ali: can't tonight babe, I've gotta have some sister time Ali: go hard for both of us Carly: k Carly: try not to miss me bad when shes talking about me Ali: oh babe, she will not, and if she does I'll set her straight Ali: gonna let the world know you're my 😇 Carly: whatever her issue shes gotta air it and youre her sister so you gotta hear it Carly: idc shes not gonna hurt me w it Carly: and setting peeps straight is the opposite of how you do, babe Ali: true Ali: idk what issue she could have though, you're a literal ray of sunshine Ali: true again 😏 Ali: ugh, imma miss you Ali: maybe i can sneak out when she's gone to bed, the 'rents too Carly: i miss you now Carly: cant hear my parents say shit Carly: i just wanna talk to you Carly: dont tell me maybe & keep me waiting tho Ali: i will Ali: promise Carly: i dont wanna make trouble for you Carly: w anyone Carly: you can stay w her if you need to stay Ali: You won't Ali: I can do both Ali: be back before first light Ali: even if I'll miss watching the sun rise on your face 😔 Ali: we've got the night, baby Carly: but you kno if ive got you for the whole night youre gonna fall asleep Carly: thats what im good at Carly: feel free to tell your sister thats why you like me ha Carly: fun & tiring its magic Ali: hmm, we'll see who wears who out first, babe Ali: and if I am that husband, then you'll just have to wake me up with morning sex like the good little wifey you are 😘😂 Carly: always bringing that confidence i like it Carly: k but if my parents wake up too you can explain its a duty thing yea i had to like Ali: i like you Ali: for so many reasons and imma show you all of 'em tonight Ali: fuck that Ali: stay out with me, its warm enough Ali: i'll trace all the constellations out with my tongue so you won't ever forget Ali: educational Carly: my ma is asking me what im blushing about Carly: i told her what you said but she's not a believer Carly: support my education bitch Carly: ha Ali: i mean, i'd offer to let her see the benefits for herself but Ali: not gonna win me any brownie points 'cos she won't take me up on it Carly: she dont kno what she's missing but i do Carly: wish you were here Ali: me too Ali: start the party without me babe, i don't mind Carly: too late if you do Carly: gotta get through this reunion some way Ali: they aren't making you watch a slideshow, are they? Ali: fate worse than death Ali: Maybe you could go to Ronan's? Lmao, he's been up in my pussy way too much since he found out about us...didn't think we were THAT loud but ok boy Carly: yea Carly: might do cuz same Carly: but what if i miss you he can really make a night of it when he wants Ali: Nah, I won't let you face that disappointment, babe Ali: my spidey senses will tingle like not on my watch, fuckboy Carly: aw Carly: you gonna come get me? Carly: thats no way to get him out your pussy babe fyi Ali: yeah Ali: I know but I like the idea of showing you off as mine Ali: but no sharing, he only gets to watch and be mad he fucked it up Carly: i like it too Carly: youre hot when youre oneupping fuckboys Carly: i thought i knew how to do it best but k youre flipping the script Ali: as long as i'm besting them i'm doing my job right Ali: gotta keep you on-board Carly: speak of the devil Carly: how he know i was alone & horny Carly: my parents have only gone to the shops its uncanny Ali: know your neighbours but bit stalkerish, pal Ali: i'll text him to fuck off, freak him out Ali: how does she know, ha, two can play this game fucko and I'm more committed Carly: ha Carly: you gotta Carly: hes smoking im gonna bum one see what line he tries to lay on before the text sends Ali: On it Ali: gotta let him know there's a queue to court the princess now and he's at the back, soz Carly: he likes hitting it from the back he wont be put off Carly: im gonna show him some of the hot pics i took of you tho Ali: when is he ever tbf? 🐶👅💦 Carly: true Carly: that fucking cute tho aren't i Ali: you know it babe Carly: hes talking to my da now Carly: kill me Ali: how fucking dare he Ali: knowing he has the upper hand with the man bants Ali: i know how to change a tire too! love me! Carly: if my ma invites him in for tea im out of here Carly: she will think hes hot under the collar for her & bitch thats my groundwork Ali: Run baby run Ali: what kinda moron is he tho Ali: coulda had a private show if you just waited, now its all saturday night telly and flat lager Carly: you kno i have nowhere to go if you dont want me babe Carly: facts Carly: he likes me now he cant have me what a fucking Carly: like i wouldve fucked you but im not getting w you Ali: i do, is this full sos crisis mode though? 'cos i need to be good for a lil while longer yet Ali: such a typical bloke move that Ali: bet he ain't the only boy in ur inbox, not a pun Ali: 'cos he ain't in mine like 🙄 Carly: its k your sister needs you Carly: i can keep walking Carly: loads of other lads on site as well as in my inbox Carly: & they arent trying to say hi to me before we get down to it nevermind my parents Ali: 😾 Carly: why so sad blue eyed boo Ali: i don't like how lads treat you Ali: i'm not jealous, like swear to god, even though i obviously want you all to myself, i get it Ali: but i'm not about how shit they are to you, even if you don't care, they should care to be decent humans Carly: thats not lads its everyone Carly: youre the only one treating me different Carly: they dont know how else to be Carly: made my bed babe Ali: nah Ali: you don't deserve half the shit you get, that's bullshit Ali: and even the rest, people just don't wanna try to understand or be good, heaven forfend they inconvineince themselves for one second, like Carly: if im a slag im a slag i dont get to put conditions on it Carly: if it was a film maybe Carly: but theres no romance coming my way from theres and i dont want it Ali: why can't you just be you? someone who likes fucking, among other things Ali: not romance just like...not being a cunt Ali: idk Ali: pisses me off Carly: cuz you don't run the world even tho you strut it like you do and i love it Ali: not yet, babe Ali: one day, and you can be my right hand woman Carly: yea? Carly: take me w you & ill take you to all your fave places k Ali: k Ali: we'll be fun forever, I promise you Carly: gotta be Ali: you know i like you even when you ain't tho Ali: don't tell Carly: who would i Carly: ronans got enough for his wank bank & nobody else is chatting to me rn Ali: exactly, ruins the illusion and fantasy when they realise i care about you Ali: so unsexy of me Carly: youre sexy to me Carly: idc what they think Ali: good Ali: me either Carly: i like you too you kno Ali: yeah Ali: i had my suspicions Carly: i dont have any subtlety sorry about it Ali: Don't be Ali: I love it Ali: not enough people say what they mean or want, ever Carly: waste Carly: k i wasnt shouting how bad i wanted to kiss you before i did but not cuz i was bothered about me Ali: agreed Ali: sometimes you can't know you want something until you've got it Ali: i get it Carly: you get me Carly: its weird Ali: 🔮 Carly: ha Carly: k what am i thinking now Ali: wouldn't be proper to say Ali: tut tut bad girl Ali: like how you think though Carly: fuck Carly: youre good Ali: 🤷 don't mean to brag but remember that phrase you'll be screaming it later Ali: such a Ronan line, I can't 😂 Carly: but true Carly: not like when he says it Ali: 😍 Carly: what you doing w your sister Carly: gotta live through that cuz bored Ali: Fixing my weave Ali: getting into a white girl dread territory over here Ali: then gonna do some 🔮 forreal Ali: get ready for me to be even more of a know it all baby Carly: cute Carly: tell me my future i got some shit from another neighbor & im waiting for it to kick Carly: hows it gonna treat me Carly: needing a good trip Ali: we'll see who gets the answer first Ali: you got anything for me? Carly: yea Carly: they mystery but i kno you arent scared Carly: & you got me doing a test run rn lying on here on the grass Ali: 🌌 be there before it fades away my space explorer Carly: if you find me at a bad end prob dont take it Ali: is one of the lads trip sitting you Carly: so he reckons but hes drinking so theres no trust Carly: & he gave me it Carly: his game could be me lights out idk Ali: keep texting me, okay babe? Ali: if shit gets too real, tell me and I'll come early Ali: my sis is cool now, she gets what we're doing, she was just confused Carly: aw Carly: youre sweet Carly: you told her you like me Ali: 'course I did Ali: I ain't ashamed Ali: I'm proud Carly: youre gonna make me cry Ali: You're special, Carly Ali: You're gonna see Carly: I just wanna see you tho Ali: Me too Ali: I'm gonna make her some chamomile tea and then I'm coming, yeah? Carly: but thats not fair to her Carly: she's not gonna be a fan of me Ali: I've promised her more time tomorrow Ali: You need me rn Carly: but what if i want you to stay Carly: what are we gonna do then Ali: i'll stay until you're ready for me to go Carly: you mean that? Ali: yes Ali: promise, imma take care of you Carly: but theres nothing in it for you Carly: youve already got me you dont have to Ali: i wanna keep you Ali: and not just selfishly Ali: you gotta stick around, you're too cool to go anywhere, okay Carly: k Carly: im here & if you wanna be im not stopping you Ali: good Ali: i wanna be wherever you are Carly: i kept you pills back the lads didnt want me to but idc about them & you can follow me in now Ali: fuck them Ali: just me and you Carly: yea Carly: ill look after you too Ali: 😇 Ali: i know, i trust you Carly: idk if you should Carly: but i like it Ali: willing to take my chances Ali: you're worth it Carly: thats you Ali: i'm so glad i met you Carly: me too Carly: not that i met me thats weird Carly: you know what i mean Ali: i got you Ali: not high yet 😉 Carly: id seen you around before you guardian angel'd me that night Carly: thats weird too Carly: that i didnt see you how i do now Ali: it is Ali: you were always cute but Ali: idk, i can't claim to have seen this in my crystal ball Carly: thats cuz i wasnt cute i was a state Carly: & youd have more likely seen me sucking ronans dick Carly: look away babe you dont need to have that image in your mind Ali: don't need him reckoning he plays part in any of my fantasies, nah Ali: you can't not be cute, no matter how you try, soz babe Carly: you can't not be so sweet to me can you Ali: dunno Ali: not tried Carly: idk what id do if you did Carly: i got used to it Ali: got no plans to stop Ali: unless you ask me to, like Carly: thats not gonna be what i ask you to do Carly: trust me Ali: you can tell me all about it Ali: 5 minutes, tops Carly: okay

[survivorelsalvador]

Richie’s Jury Responses

austin: austin: Okay austin here’s the TEA! Your vote out wasn’t random, it definitely wasn’t because you’re new, and there was a lot of thought and logic and reasoning put into it….. At the one premerge tribal we went to me you ashton lily formed a group and we were trying to decide who to vote out and you expressed disinterest in voting out dana which is cool you said you liked her and that was it because willa got evaced

At the merge boot it looked like it was going to be a 5-5 vote with nicholas/zak/willow/dana/josh voting out ashton and then me/you/chips/lily/ashton voting out josh +kai doing whatever kai was going to do lmao

Veryyyy shortly before the vote lily came to me and said [6/30/17, 9:41:28 PM] Lily Douma: Austin is throwing us under the bus... [6/30/17, 9:41:34 PM] Lily Douma: Told Dana I'm voting for josh

So based on my perception and the information i had been collecting it seemed like you had a relationship with dana and your loyalty to me and “our side” was in question and if 20 minutes before the vote i’m told that youre going to people we weren’t working with and telling them our plan then it would make sense that youre not with us and youre not going to vote with us so a 6-4 vote with me being in the minority was possible and looking more and more realistic.. At that point i knew that i needed to play the idol to save ashton and my reasoning behind voting you out was because all signs were pointing to you were not with me so if you stayed in the game you would not only be a number for the other side but you would be someone who had previously been working with us and had receipts and information that could be used against me so taking you out right then would be smarter so at the last minute i chose what i thought was the most logical game move………….. When the votes were read i saw that you did in fact vote josh out and i had a mini panic attack lmao but yeah there was definitely reasoning behind it i thought you were playing both sides and your actions were making me perceive that you werent committed to working with us so thats why you left… i’m not saying this with any tone btw im not bragging about this being a good move or anything i’m just answering the “why” so that you have the closure and understanding on what was going on in my mind and what went down that lead to you getting voted out

Okay so I know that this was your first tumblr survivor game and im sorry that it ended so abruptly and came so out of nowhere you did deserve better i hope that this experience doesnt spoil your view on tumblr survivor orgs and i know that you need to keep up with wearing your retainers because its important to keep your teeth in tact so that all the money you spent on braces doesnt go to waste learn from my mistakes!!!!!

Josh:

Austin: charlie brown bc nice and genuine but in this game you got shitted on it was very much the defeated womp womp charlie brown 

Josh: Finn from adventure time, knows how to kick ass but still likes to have fun Willow: Rory Gilmore, really nice and smart but more complex of a human than that Zak: tbh anyone from it’s always sunny in philadelphia bc youre hilarious and messy and crackedt but somehow still loveable even though theres no real reason for you to be <3 Nicholas: leslie knope i feel like youre super involved in the org community and youre passionate and a little crazy but still fun loving Dana: Annalise Keating from how to get away with murder, bad ass who will say and do anything to get her way and looks great doing it Lily: this was the easiest one for me the second i read your question this was the first one to pop in my head okay if you’re young you might not get this reference but watch this iconic character in tv history sweet kind adorable but watch out when she’s mad lmao https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OsBN9lvmjac

Willow: Hey, Willow! Whatsup? I loved you in one world, but when we got to merge we ended up on opposite sides and during the early stages of merge i tried to keep my distance so that i would avoid being overly deceitful which would likely lead to more bitter feelings of personal betrayal should i make it to the finals. Everything I did in this game was calculated and fueled by logic and reasoning based on my perception, but that doesn’t mean that I played a flaw free perfect game, I’m definitely a self aware bitch and I know that I can be a little cracked’t. Obviously everything worked out to the point where I got to the final 3 so I can’t say that I would do anything differently, however to answer your question, I would say that my biggest mistake would have to be the timing of voting out Austin. There were many things that lead me to making the decision to take him out at that moment in the game, but when the votes were read and I saw that despite all the red flags, he had voted the way he told us he was going to. Okay, now to answer your general questions! This isn’t a good jury favor pageant answer but tbh my favorite part of this game was making the movie poster, I love being creative and storytelling so I just had such a fun time making that. If I were in the jury, so that would make this a final 2 of Chips and Ashton? Right? Is that what you meant? You can’t answer me right now this is a one way conversation I’m having with myself…. But in a f2 of Chips and Ashton, I would vote for Chips.  If I weren’t here and I had to pick only one person to be in the finals, I would choose Dana because I think she played one hell of a game. A minor move of mine was during the premerge one world stage. I made sure to try to make somewhat of an impression of people not on my tribe, like Zak Willow Nicholas and Josh, by having at least one brief conversation that coming at merge we wouldn’t be complete strangers, but not too much that I came off as a strong social threat. Okay, I think that I answered all your questions, I hope I did and I hope that my punctuation usage made this easier for you to read because I’ve gotten so many complaints about this before, I type like I think and speak which is just one nonstop cracked rambling with absolutely no structure asdfdsfhjasdfj i tried really hard for you lmao

Zakriah: ICONIC QUESTION kelly wiglesworth 1-10 jury question teas wow…. Okay 3 genuine compliments about you 1) i’m a self centered narcissistic bitch and i think i’m hilarious BUT when we shared the title for best sense of humor in touchy subjects i was like okay true he’s worthy i’m not mad about that 2) this is like our 5th game together but realistically our second game where we’ve interacted and it’s easy to see that youre a well rounded player who knows how to integrate yourself with people you display game sense and ability without coming off as a big threat that needs to be targeted 3) i literally can never tell if you actually hate me or if we’re friends or enemies or frenemies but despite that i still really like you and want to be your friend even if you hate me and idk why so good job on misting me i guess????

nicholas: Kiiiiiiiiiiiing i cant believe youre making me have to chooose ahhhhhh i mean theres just so many for so many different occasions but wow okay i think nothing has ever been as iconic as this http://68.media.tumblr.com/2da6f1baef40ca34d8d800938ba6e940/tumblr_of3p98IyeO1vzwwmeo4_250.gif

dana: Dana queen legendary icon the night you left i knew you were leaving (despite the valiant effort you put into trying to get me and ashton to vote with you and you almost had ashton so thanks for making me put in just that much more work to talk him down from it) but at that point out of respect for you and your game i just was like straight up ill be real with you because you deserve it… and because i knew you were leaving so building you up a little before you go to jury couldnt have hurt ;) BUT FOR REAL the things you did in this game left me shook over and over and over the way you speak and your ability to lay out valid strategic arguments that make it seem like they dont even benefit you its just all about the person youre talking to’s best interest…. Incredible and mesmerizing i LIVE for a binch that doesnt quit and your stamina and determination is truly incredible and ill say all this to you after the game and forever so dont think this is pandering because youve earned your Bad Ass badge for life

lily: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ sorry <3

[identitycris1s]

so this is the new year

im finally taking time to sit down and reflect on the past few months. the new year came and went and its been a bit of a whirlwind. i suppose i’ll just go by chronological order cos i dont really know how to start...also i dont think im an abstract thinker so really my life isnt ordered by “themes” or “lessons” or whatever but i sort of think of it in terms of events and the epiphanies or lessons that flow therefrom. this is probably just gonna be a stream of consciousness exposition cos im lazy to organise my thoughts and this is basically my journal so WHATEVER!

November

X told me he liked me and asked me out. i was shocked. but sort of saw it coming (what else could “r u free after lunch, i have some stuff to say” mean...LOL). i reacted awkwardly - distinctly remember saying “huh..what does that MEAN!!!” (LOL) i told him i would think about it but could probably only give him an answer after part b was over. 

tbh this was probably just me stalling for time. i think instinctively i knew that i didnt see him in that way, but he seemed to tick so many boxes in terms of who i was “supposed” to be with - that sounds dumb, but what i mean is he’s a steadfast christian, a good boy, similar values, similar tastes in music / movies / books, same bloody industry LOL...

also he seemed really serious about it - ermmm he brought up marriage on that first day :0 ok i suppose thats unfair and it sounds insane without context - he said it with reference to how dating is always with a view to marriage which i do agree with but yes it was a lot to absorb in one conversation. and then he cracked out this book about dating and marriage and i was like woah. so, given how much thought he seemed to have put into this (he also said he chatted with his CG leader about me yikes) i felt obliged to at least think it through properly and give myself some time to consider rather than immediately rejecting him. 

and so i mulled it over whilst studying for part b. he was overseas for a while towards the end of my studying period (ie when i was freaking out the most and generally being a headless chicken) and this probably contributed to me feeling like i liked him more than i really did hmm wonder what this says about me. i like to feel like someone’s out of my reach i suppose. so fucked up lol! and so during this period we were texting everyday and i would look forward to his replies and he was a real source of comfort during that stressful period and i never told him this and i probably never will. 

December

exams were over and i had to face D DAY!! so i went to meet him to give him my answer and honestly even on that day i didnt know what my answer was. we met at BTM and he literally had written down a list of things to talk about and i think in that moment i knew this probably wouldnt work out. hes so damn thoughtful about every little thing and he thinks everything through and even though he seems to think he “doesnt take things too seriously” I THINK HE DOES...and i really dont...so i felt that showed how incompatible we were. its not a bad thing to be thoughtful. its just that i felt so pressured by how seriously he was taking things...i thought “trying this out” would be casual and chill and we would just hang out as if we were friends but with this overarching agenda of potentially being together but no his conception of “trying things out” is much more intense and serious and thought out and in his words “intentional”. which i realised is some christian dating jargon haha.

dinner was normal until he cracked out that list i was talking about. then he started talking about what he wanted out of a relationship and asked me what i wanted out of a relationship. like it was a damn interview. you know what, im saying this in a really condescending tone and i wouldnt ever be this hurtful if i knew he was gonna read this - in fact i really do think this kind of approach would suit many people and perhaps a more emotionally well adjusted person would think this was normal but i felt so bombarded and i really didnt know what to say in response. so i blurted out some nonsense about wanting to be with someone who was God fearing and “kind and compassionate” and “ambitious” LMAO...what bullshit (that last one i mean). and he had clearly thought out his answers a lot more and he went on a whole spiel about wanting to be with someone who could stand on their own as a christian and who he didnt have to “drag along” on their walk with God and i was like ok cool but i think im not that...im not what youre looking for...but of course i didnt say this. idk why. maybe i enjoy being wanted and sought after and i didnt want to shatter his illusion that i was what he was looking for, even though i was kinda seeing that he wasnt what i was looking for.

anyway, being the shitty person i am, i told him it wasnt a no but it wasnt a straight out yes either i.e. i would be willing to try with a view to potentially saying yes. and we left it at that. but even as i said bye to him that night i kinda knew this wasnt gonna work...but i wanted it to! i wanted to like him! i want to be the kind of person who can accept love from a well adjusted person who’s not afraid to be real and to take things seriously...but i suppose i have some emotional growth to work on...or is it perfectly valid for me to not want to be with him? tbh i never found him attractive (physically or even personality wise oops) - he doesnt make me laugh, hes kinda too uptight, he doesnt get my jokes (i have to be like “JUST KIDDING” a lot of the time..ded) but somehow we worked as friends. but to be with someone requires something more than just working as friends doesnt it?? ack

so we met a few times in dec (i think we went on four or five “dates” in total...im so reluctant to call them dates cos throughout i just couldnt see him in that light, but thats what they were i think) and through the course of our interactions i started picking up on things that i didnt like about him / about our interactions. this sounds awfully petty and i dont wanna be mean about this cos im sure i have MANY MANY MANY flaws that one could nit pick but these were just some signs that we would not work (quite apart from my lack of physical attraction to him)

1. our conversations always end up argumentative. i think this probably stems from both of us being law students and so whenever we disagree on something we both cant seem to fucking let it go. i distinctly remember one stupid conversation, i shall put it here (not verbatim but this is the gist of it)

X: what are your new years resolutions?

S: i dont like making new years resolutions because they always end up in disappointment because i never stick to them. 

X: but disappointment isnt always a bad thing because you can learn from it and improve from there

S: yes but that doesnt mean disappointment isnt a bad thing - cos disappointment in itself is bad (like duh the feeling of disappointment is bad) but what comes after disappointment can be good or bad i.e. you can choose to work on yourself and improve or you can wallow in the disappointment.

-some more argument and confusion about what we are even talking about-

S: ok lets not argue on this its a semantic point. 

X: is it semantic? its not semantic.

S: it is semantic. we are disagreeing on what the word disappointment means. i think it is necessarily negative but you are saying that disappointment isnt always negative because of what can come after but i think thats sidestepping the point of disappointment being negative in itself.

do you see what i mean. what kind of petty argument is this? whats the damn point? of course im definitely not blameless in this at all. i perpetuate it. but what im saying is i feel like talking to him brings out this argumentative side of me that im not a fan of. also its fucking exhausting haha.

2. he is so. fucking. serious. every conversation involves some heavy thing like spirituality or self evaluation or Godliness etc. which i suppose is good but i just found it tiring...why cant things be light? why cant things be fun? why do we always have to talk about *important* or *weighty* things? tbh i think he sorta compartmentalises me as a friend whom he can talk about these *weighty* things with cos im also a christian and i get what hes saying when he talks about God but i dont want to only talk about that...

3. we dont have similar senses of humour. i dont think he thinks im funny...but i think im bloody funny ok haha also i dont think im deluded on this? my friends think im funny too? yeah i think its a major problem that we cant really laugh together...hes not someone that makes me laugh at all :( 

ok enough bashing X haha i really do think hes a great person we are just NOT compatible romantically.

ANYWAYS! sometime in dec i also met up w SM for the first time in aaaages. but things were like normal again. sounds stupid but i think ill always think of him as the one who got away LOL....emotionally unavailable and not interested in me?? IM DOWN! haha. ok hes not emotionally unavailable tbh i probably was more emotionally unavailable in the course of our friendship but he defo never really expressed any interest in me other than always hanging out one on one but that doesnt really count for anything does it. anyways! he told me about his BTO plans and im honestly v happy for him :) friends r growing up and moving on in life mang..

sad part was i dropped avo toast on my new everlane pants and that honestly ruined my day lol

January

NYE was spent w S and some of her friends plus R and A (who went home after dinner cos of family drama lmao angie is siao) - we went to AL’s fam friends party at fullerton for countdown and the fireworks were amaaaazing, lasted about an hour (which made us question the budget allocation on this tbh isnt it a bit of a waste?? fireworks are insanely expensive??) and we promptly went home after the clock struck 12 which was perfect haha i have no stamina to stay out late anymore. 

work started on 2 jan! its been fun tbh - back with the trainees and meeting some new people and using my brain again. i like feeling useful and being stuck in a routine...at least for now haha. check in on me in about 3 months and we’ll see. 

and....i finally mustered up the courage to tell X the truth ie i didnt see this going anywhere and we should just be friends. we had kind of an awkward dinner (i could feel myself being rude to him and being dismissive etc but i think it could partially be attributed to me being tired from work..but mostly cos i didnt wanna be with him!! as a romantic partner!! it felt wrong!) and so i told him after dinner otw to the mrt (funny, we always have these convos otw to the mrt haha). he said he understood and he sort of felt it coming. and i felt bad - he mustve picked up on my coldness and rudeness over text and in our meetings also...why am i like this. i shouldve been up front with him on the first day. but i didnt know!!! i didnt know for sure this is how i felt. ahhh well u live and u learn right. next time ill be better at this. hope theres a next time LOL God pls send me someone whos right for me

ok bye for now! this was a lengthy post haha

[babylovetae]

not 2 be that bitch but i'm askin u all the bts questions pls thank u xoxo

I LOVE U BITCH @grungemum

        😍 who is your bias?it’s my baby taehyung u knoe it😈 and your biaswrecker?ITS JUNGKOOK OK I SWEAR SOMETIMES PPL COULD GO ON MY BLOG AND THINK I WAS A JK STAN IMM SO????????💿 hyyh or wings?tbhhhhh ok i love wings ok like, ,,,, LOVE but hyyh? iconic, the whole concept of youth and everything makes me long for the youth that i wasted/am wasting and i just really loeve it, 🎶 what’s your favourite song at the moment?my favorite song is begin i just love that song But right now im bopping to outro: wings 💙 hyung line or maknae line? don'tmake me choose ok ilove everyone💃 who is your favourite dancer?it’s a tie between hobi n jk, hobi just has this presence and he just KNOWS dance, the way he teaches the other members and helps them with the choreo makes me hard tbh, he just gets it and he loves it, but like with jk at least for me my eyes just go straight to him when he’s performing, he has this confident cocky aura that just GETS to me and it’s like he KNOWS he good🔥 RM, 1VERSE or Agust D?RM 🌱 your favourite member in maknae linemy baby taehyung🌳 and the hyung linemy baby namjoon📆 how long have you been a fan?jan 2016? it was like just after run n nye promotions had ended👬 your otpITS TAEKOOK U KNO DAT🎤 your favourite cover by the membersfools means Everything™ to me but i would DIE for jungkook’s purpose cover, there’s somethin abt that cover that jst makes me feel like things r gonna b ok it’s cheesy but whatever! n like knowng he recorded that for the fans… like im dead♋ do you share a zodiac sign with any of the members? no i don’t none of them r summer babies :(👀 your favourite part in cypher 4 HOBI , he owns so many of my favorite rap verses in their songs tbh!💞 ot3 war: vminkook or yoonminseokVMINKOOK👽 describe taehyung with 3 emojis💛😁🐯🗣 what’s your favourite solo song?it’s begin👥 and the duetduet????? anything namkook does together i would fukin die for🖊 who do you think is the best song writer?i think they all write great lyrics i cant pick a favorite lol💣 we are bulletproof 1 or 2pt. 2🤗 if you could spend the whole day with a member who would it be and what would you do?i hate questions like these lol, i don’t wanna answer dis🐰 describe jungkook with 3 emojis💪🏼😊🍜 didn’t wanna go w the cliché bunny emoji lol 👺 who do you think is the meme-iest one from the meme squad?jungkook lol🗺 where are you from? had they ever been there?i’m from california n yeah they’ve been here a couple times!🏝 which member would you take with you on a deserted island?/💰 do you have any merch?my friend but me the darknwild album n i have n army bomb :’)🔪 your favourite part in cypher 3NAMJOON REALLY KILLS IT FOR ME OK🐕 choose the bts dogsoonshim and rapmon r the cutest dogs in bangtan, no ifs ands or buts i wont accept any other answer lmao🍑 describe jimin in 3 emojis🤣😤✨🗡 in hunger games who do you think would die first and who will survive to the end?ummmmm die first, probably hobi lol, and 2 the end??? jk based on strength/skill or tae based on cleverness🍻 which member would you want to grab beer with?/👣 have you ever tried to learn any of their dances?LMAO yeah right na i just shake my ass or do the really easy hand movements hehe👓 describe namjoon in 3 emojis💓⛅✌🐻 ryan the bear or kumamonRYAN THE BEAR OMF 👔 what’s your hogwarts house? where do you think each memeber belongs?mine is slytherin,hobi, taehyung: hufflepuffnamjoon, yoongi: ravenclawjin, jimin: gryffindor🏃 in scale from jungkook to namjoon how fast do you run?really slow📸 concerts or fansignsi’ll never b able to go to a fansign so i’ll pick concerts but i would DREAM of going to a fansign 😇 decsribe hoseok in 3 emojis😆🏝🌟😸 are you shy and pure like jimin or freaky and naughty like taehyung?somewhere in the middle lol, im shy but im not pure but im not super naughty either lmao💣 what’s your favourite bangtan bomb (video not lightstick)(i had to look these up lmao) i have so many favorites: danger last day mission, let’s make an autograph, maknae line hide nseek, the bbae sae one, jungkook pd’s directing, 95z beat time, you’re a holiday, letter deliverer jimin, bts magic show, don’t tease me dance show, angry jhope, nickname tshirts, taetae magazine news, jimins tumbling time, that’s so many omg🛩 bon voyage or american hustle lifeBON VOYAGE OMG I LOVE BON VOYAGE 📖 do you write fanfiction?i used to but i haven’t for bts fandom📣 which cypher do you like the most?cypher pt 3 is legendary and cant be beat but cypher part 2 is fire and forgotten about🐢 describe yoongi in 3 emojis🤐👂🌾😪 what’s the best song to listen before falling asleep?coffee, rain, jungkook’s purpose cover, hold me tight📚 share your favourite fanfici have read WAY too  many 🎬 if there was a movie made about any member what kind of movie would it be?i have no idea lmao im sory🙋 have you ever met them in person?yeah right :(💁 describe jin in 3 emojis🍲😡☺😓 war of hormones or boy in luvBOY IN LUV PLEATHE🌈 most to least Not Straight in your opinionuhhhhhhhh jin, jimin, jungkook, namjoon, taehyung, hoseok/yoongi (literally one of my favorite headcanons is gay hoseok)🖍 who’s drawings do you like the most: jungkook’s or jimin’s?jungkook;s🤔 spring day or not today?not today but i also really love spring day especially the lyrics!!!!!!

(on the real u should answer these too)

(i hope u liked)