#i know missouri is a hell hole but there are people working really fucking hard to make it better and we could use some support here

[anotherpapercut]

yesterday I went to a little meeting at my local queer community center and I was admiring their bookshelves and mentioned that I work at the public library and someone said "well I bet they don't have any [LGBTQ+ books] at our library" and I was like um. yes we do. we have tons of them. half of our employees are queer leftists so they said "oh well I bet they don't in [nearby rural county]" and I was like uh once again yes they absolutely do. gay people live and work there as well

so here's a quick reminder that if you don't think your local library has enough queer centered materials you should actually check before assuming, and if you're not satisfied with their collection you should submit a request for more such books. I don't know what the political landscape of libraries looks like outside the us rn, but within the us no matter where you are, I promise you there are employees at your library fighting for inclusion and intellectual freedom and they can't win without vocal public support

[spaceskam]

the choice is mine

warning for mentions of outing, queer bashing, literally all canon bullshit that’s chaotic but happy ending i swear

ao3

“Can I vent to you? I-I need to talk or I might explode, and you’re the only one I trust not to use whatever I say against me. Also, you’re honest and maybe I’m overreacting. I know I have a tendency to be dramatic, so I need you to tell me if that’s what’s happening or if I’m actually justified in my anger.”

Alex stood there in confusion as the man he hadn’t seen or spoken to in a year barged into his cabin. Michael had vanished soon after Max had unceremoniously healed him, something Alex couldn’t fault him for. He still was pissed at Max for it, he assumed Michael was as well. That, on top of all the other bullshit, had prompted him to leave without saying goodbye and without keeping in contact.

Well, Alex occasionally got vague postcards that only read ‘I’m alive, love MG’ on them along with even more scarce phone calls from random numbers. Michael would simply say, ‘just sit with me for a while’ and Alex had complied effortlessly. He kept those things to himself.

Yet here Michael was, looking weirdly good. His clothes were nice and seemed to be ironed, not a hole in sight. He smelled like the expensive cologne the higher-ups wore to award ceremonies. Most notably, his hair was long with months of not having Isobel to trim it, but it was well kempt and oddly suited him.

“Uh, long time no see,” Alex said, watching the man pacing around the living room, “Are you gonna say hi or are you just gonna wait until after you vent?” 

Michael seemed to suddenly realize his shitty etiquette, his eyes going wide as he rushed back over to Alex. he gave him a short-lived hug and a kiss on the cheek.

“I missed you, Private,” he said, flashing a sweet smile before he got all serious again, “Can I vent? I swear I’ll make it up to you.”

Alex gestured to his designed pacing area. “By all means.”

Michael kindly waited until he sat down before jumping into what was bothering him.

“When I was a kid, no one wanted me, but they wanted Isobel and Max, so I was left to basically fend for myself. And I was only in that situation because some stupid government organization took my mother. Then they killed her. I’m allowed to be angry about that, right?” he asked. Alexx watched him with wary eyes, his heart aching at the part his family had played in that. However, Michael hadn’t given much excess emotion towards it, so Alex didn’t either.

“Of course you are,” Alex clarified. Michael nodded.

“And Iz and Max‒they happily let me play murderer for 10 years without a care and basically gave me no choice but to not go to college. They watched me ruin my life and-and they thought it was whatever because it’s just Michael. I was spiraling and they knew it and they let me. It’s also my fault, but… I help them when they fuck up. I’m allowed to be angry about that too, right?” he went on, turning sharply on his toes in a way that would’ve been comical if it weren’t for the subject matter.

“Yes, absolutely.”

“And, and I am bisexual!” Michael shouted, throwing his arms out as he faced Alex for a moment. Alex would’ve smiled, but it was clearly building towards a negative. “But I’ve never got to actually come out to anyone on my own terms except you. Max and Iz found out, god knows how. You basically out me to Maria and Kyle. Maria outed me to Liz. I never got to choose how I told the people that mattered.” Alex sunk into the couch. He felt sick. “I-I told myself that I didn’t care, that it wasn’t that big a deal. I mean, I’m not ashamed, I like that part of me, so I shouldn’t mind. But I do because it was mine to share and, and I… I’m allowed to be angry about that, right?”

Alex’s eyebrows were pulled together in concern. He hadn’t even thought about that. He should’ve thought about that.

“Yes, Michael, God, I’m so sor‒”

“And my hand!” Michael cut him off, thrusting his left hand forward. It was the first time Alex had actually seen it since it’d been healed. He chose to ignore the scattered, newer scars that replaced the old ones. That was a different conversation. “I had no say when it got fuck or when it got healed! That I know I can be angry about.”

“Absolutely.”

“Every goddamn thing that happened to me in my entire life, I never had a choice. I was forced one way or the other and I wasn’t allowed a say. Or, if I was, it didn’t really matter. And then the very, very few times it did matter, I fucked it up because I wasn’t allowed to make choices before and so I didn’t know how, but you,” Michael paused, stopping his pacing to look Alex in the eye. He was smiling so softly and his eyes were so bright and Alex felt like he had whiplash. “You are the one thing I chose for myself that was good.”

Alex’s swallowed and tried not to let him get his hopes out. Michael had been gone for months. Things were different now, he wasn’t going to just pop up and love him. Right?

Michael came near him anyway, kneeling on the floor in front of him. He had so much love on his face and in his aura and Alex was overwhelmed. But, for the first time in a long time, he felt overwhelmed in a good way. Whatever Michael was thinking, he wasn’t confused about it. He knew what he wanted and he was sure about it.

When had that ever happened before?

“The last few months I’ve been in Missouri. Well, technically, I went to a few different places before I went there, but that’s where I ended up. I was looking for work and I found this farm and, Alex, you’re gonna love it,” he said. Alex’s heart jumped into his throat. Not you would, but you’re gonna. “This couple owns it, they’re in their 50s, and it’s been in the family for years, but they needed some extra help now that their daughter is going to college and so they offered me a job and a place to live on the property. I eat dinner with them and I help their son with math homework and we talk about, like, life and, Alex, I have never felt so normal. They treat me like I’m one of their own.”

“I’m so happy for you,” Alex said.

“I’ve told them about you,” Michael admitted, “And us. They know I’m bi and they don’t mind. They said they were happy I felt comfortable enough to tell them about it. Hell, they were the ones who pushed me to come see you again.”

“That’s amazing.”

Michael reached for Alex’s hand and held it in his own, bringing it to his lips. Alex held his breath. This was just so much.

“Listen, Alex, I know it’s taken me a while‒too long, honestly‒but I think I finally know what it means to be a man. It means being honest and dedicated and loyal. It means making choices and sacrifices, even when they’re hard. It means communicating and loving with your whole being. And I want to prove it to you if you’ll let me.”

Alex exhaled sharply. “What?” Michael just smiled.

“I want to be with you for real this time. I’m willing and ready to put the work into it. Like I said, you were the only choice that I made that was good and I want to show you that. I put you through hell, we put each other through hell. Not anymore, okay? I’m gonna treat you like you deserve to be treated. If you want that too, obviously,” Michael said. 

“I want that,” Alex said without thought. Michael grinned wider and pressed a kiss into Alex’s palm. “But we… How? Are you staying here? Are-are you going back? Do we meet in the middle?”

“Well,” Michael sighed, “I agreed to work for them for a year at least. I have two and a half months of that left. I was hoping you could come up with me. Either stay the whole time or just to visit so we can work on this. If you like it, maybe we can get a place up there and I can keep working for them. Or maybe somewhere else. Anything that works for you works for me. I just want to be with you and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make it happen.”

Alex took in slow breaths, trying to steady his mind and stop feeling so fucking lightheaded. This was a lot. This was…

“You don’t have to make a decision right now. I’m here for two days and, honestly, if you still haven’t decided, that’s okay. I just want you to be happy,” Michael insisted. Alex looked at him incredulously.

“Who are you?” he asked, huffing a laugh. Suddenly, he looked a lot more like Michael as that cocky grin spread across his lips and he pushed himself closer into Alex’s space where he was more than welcome. Alex grabbed his face and closed the same between them.

Alex was used to having long spans of time between their kisses. Months, years, whatever, but this felt different. This felt like they actually had plans for something more. This didn’t feel like a hello and a goodbye wrapped in one. This didn’t feel like desperation.

This felt like their first kiss. They had all the time in the world.

“Hi,” Michael breathed in between the kiss. Alex smiled and brushed his nose against Michael’s.

“Hi.”

“I missed you so much.”

“I missed you more.”

The smile on Michael’s face was almost too much to bear. They could do this. They could be normal.

“Okay, hear me out,” Alex said, moving his hands to Michael’s hips to pull him onto the couch with him. He followed with ease. “I still have a job here so I can’t leave, but I’ll visit you up there. We’ll work on us and maybe I’ll move or maybe we’ll compromise or something, but,” He pressed the pad of his thumb onto Michael’s lip. “You have to talk to me every day. Texting, calling, E-mails, something. Daily communication. That’s my rule.”

Michael scoffed, eyes crossed to try to see Alex’s thumb. “The rule is more Alex? I feel like the luckiest man in the world.”

Alex smiled and pushed his hand into his hair, scooting closer. He got a good look at Michael’s face. He looked younger, happier. It was a beautiful thing to see.

“I want to get to know this man you seem to be now,” Alex said softly.

“I wanna show him to you.”

Alex took a deep breath and closed his eyes. Their foreheads met in the middle. That year that had passed seemed to mean nothing as they fit right back in with each other. Michael was home. How’d he spend so much time away from home?

“I love you too, so much. I’m sorry it took me so long,” Michael whispered right back, his forehead leaning to rest against Alex’s. They stared at each other for a moment. It felt casual, normal. 

“Also I’m sorry that everyone made choices for you and that I played a part in that. I didn’t mean to out you ever, that wasn’t my intention,” Alex gushed. Michael shook his head.

“It’s fine, I just needed to get that off my chest.”

“I get it.”

Alex fiddled with the fabric of his shirt, eager to feel his skin. Now that it was apparent they were going to do this for real, all he wanted to do was celebrate. He tilted his head to go in for a kiss and he got an enthusiastic one in return.

“Wait!” Alex said, pulling away as much as he didn’t want to, “Do Isobel and Max know you’re back? Have you spoken to them since you left?”

“No, I came straight for you,” Michael admitted. Alex bit his bottom lip. 

“You should tell them you’re here.”

Michael shook his head, pulling Alex into him completely. 

“I will tomorrow. I just want you tonight.”

Alex wasn’t going to argue that. Even if he did have a whole lifetime of this in his future.

[annie-banks]

Adore You - Harry Styles (2019) // you’re wonder, under summer sky // All About That Bass – Meghan Trainor (2014) // every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top // Alone Again – Betty Who (2014) // when it rains it pours and you drown me out // Anything Could Happen – Ellie Goulding (2012) // letting darkness grow, as if we need it's palette and we need it's color // Bad Girls - M.I.A. (2012) // leaving boys behind ‘cause it’s illegal just to kill // Bitch Better Have My Money - Rihanna (2015) // your wife in the backseat of my brand new foreign car // Blank Space – Taylor Swift (2014) // darling I'm a nightmare dressed like a daydream // Bloodbuzz Ohio – The National (2010) // I was carried to Ohio in a swarm of bees // Bo$$ – Fifth Harmony (2014) // boss. Michelle Obama. purse so heavy gettin' Oprah dollas // Boy Problems - Carly Rae Jepsen (2015) // I think I broke up with my boyfriend today and I don't really care // Boys - Charli XCX (2017) // I wish I had a better excuse like I had to trash the hotel lobby // Butterflies - Kacey Musgraves (2018) // I was hiding in doubt till you brought me out of my chrysalis // Call Me Maybe – Carly Rae Jepsen (2011) // before you came into my life I missed you so bad // Call Your Girlfriend – Robyn (2010) // don't you tell her how I give you something that you never even knew you missed // Canyon Moon - Harry Styles (2019) // doors yellow, broken, blue // Chandelier – Sia (2014) // I'm gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry // Cherry - Harry Styles (2019) // I confess I can tell that you are at your best, I'm selfish so I'm hating it // Circles - Post Malone (2019) // we couldn't turn around, 'til we were upside down // C’mon - Panic! At the Disco and Fun. (2011) // feels like I am falling down a rabbit hole, falling for forever, wonderfully wandering alone // C’Mon – Kesha (2012) // feeling like a saber-tooth tiger sipping on a warm budweiser // Cruise (Remix) - Florida Georgia Line ft. Nelly (2012) // she was sippin' on southern and singin' Marshall Tucker, we were falling in love in the sweet heart of summer // Daddy Lessons - Beyonce ft. Dixie Chicks (2017) // it’s your song // Dark Fantasy – Kanye West (2010) // too many Urkels on your team, that's why your wins low // Death of a Bachelor - Panic! At the Disco (2016) // the lace in your dress tingles my neck, how do I live? // Demons- Sleigh Bells (2012) // They're gonna stand em up six by six by six // Diane - Cam (2017) // And all those nights that he's given to me I wish that I could give them back to you // Diane Young – Vampire Weekend (2013) // you torched a Saab like a pile of leaves // Downtown - Macklemore & Ryan Lewis ft. Eric Nally, Melle Mel, Grandmaster Caz, Kool Moe Dee (2016) // neighbors yelling at me like, you need to slow down going thirty-eight, Dan, chill the fuck out, mow your damn lawn and sit the hell down // End of the Day - One Direction (2015)// I told her that I loved her, just not sure if she heard. the roof was pretty windy and she didn't say a word, party died downstairs, had nothing left to do just me, her and the moon // Fireproof – One Direction (2015) // riding on the wind and I won't give up // ***Flawless – Beyonce ft. Nicki Minaj (2013) // mayday, mayday, earth to bitches // Follow Your Arrow - Kacey Musgraves (2013) // if you save yourself for marriage, you're a bore. if you don't save yourself for marriage, you're a whore-able person // Formation - Beyonce (2016) // always stay gracious, best revenge is your paper // Forrest Gump – Frank Ocean (2012) // my fingertips and my lips, they burn from the cigarettes // Freaks and Geeks – Childish Gambino (2011) // I have worked all winter, I will not fail summer, in the back of the bush, like Gavin Rossdale's drummer // Gay Pirates - Cosmo Jarvis (2011) // and I hope they didn't tie up your hands as tight as mine. I'll see you on the bed of this blue ocean, babe, sometime // Get Lucky – Daft Punk ft. Pharrell Williams (2013) // the present has no ribbon, your gift keeps on giving // Glory - Bastille (2016) // and then you put your hand in mine and pulled me back from things divine, stop looking up for heaven, waiting to be buried // Good Grief - Bastille (2016) // caught off guard by your favourite song, I'll be dancing at a funeral, dancing at a funeral // Green Light - Lorde (2017) // I whisper things, the city sings them back to you // Grown - Little Mix (2015) // no regrets, it's a lesson learned 'cause what you think ain't my concern // Hayloft - Nickel Creek (2014) // young lovers with their legs tied up in knots // Holocene – Bon Iver (2011) // and at once I knew I was not magnificent // I Believe - Original Broadway Cast (2011) // and I believe that the Garden of Eden was in Jackson County, Missouri // I Like It - Cardi B, Bad Bunny, and J Balvin (2018) // I like those Balenciagas, the ones that look like socks // I Love It – Icona Pop ft. Charli XCX (2012) // you're from the '70s, but I'm a '90s bitch // Judas – Lady Gaga (2011) // I'm just a holy fool, oh baby he's so cruel, but I'm still in love with Judas, baby // Juice - Lizzo (2019) // I be drippin' so much sauce got a bitch lookin' like RAGÚ // Just Hold On - Steve Aoki ft. Louis Tomlinson (2016) // feels like you're standing on the edge looking at the stars and wishing you were them // Laura Palmer – Bastille (2013) // what a year and what a night, what terrifying final sights put out your beating heart // Lemonworld – The National (2010) // I gave my heart to the Army, the only sentimental thing I could think of // Love on Top – Beyonce (2011) // I can see the stars all the way from here, can't you see the glow on the window pane // Make Me Feel - Janelle Monáe (2018) // it's like I'm powerful with a little bit of tender, an emotional, sexual bender // Making the Most of the Night - Carly Rae Jepsen (2015) // baby I'm speeding and red lights, I'll run // Meet Me in the Hallway - Harry Styles (2017) // just let me know I'll be on the floor, on the floor // Menswear – The 1975 (2013) // well, who's this? going for the kiss, I'm probably gonna yosh in your mouth // Mirrors – Justin Timberlake (2013) // if you ever feel alone and the glare makes me hard to find, just know that I'm always parallel on the other side // Monster – Kanye West ft. Jay-Z, Rick Ross, Nicki Minaj, and Bon Iver (2010) // you could be the king but watch the queen conquer // The Mother We Share - Chvrches (2012) // I'm in misery but you can't see, as old as your omens // My Church - Maren Morris (2016) // I just keep the wheels rolling, radio scrolling 'til my sins wash away // N****s in Paris - Jay-Z and Kanye West (2011) // Prince William's ain't do it right if you ask me 'cause I was him, I would have married Kate and Ashley // Oh, What a World - Kacey Musgraves (2018) // did I know you once in another life? are we here just once or a billion times? // Old Town Road (Remix) - Lil Nas X ft. Billy Ray Cyrus (2019) // cowboy hat from Gucci, Wrangler on my booty // Otis – Jay-Z and Kanye West (2011) // luxury rap, the Hermes of verses, sophisticated ignorance, write my curses in cursive // Pineapple Girl - Mister Heavenly (2011) // I am besieged by the vagaries of power. I'm all alone and lonely in this tower // Primadonna – Marina and the Diamonds (2012) // I know I've got a big ego, I really don't know why it's such a big deal though // Pumped Up Kicks – Foster the People (2010) // he's got a rolled cigarette, hanging out his mouth he's a cowboy kid // Radio - Lana Del Rey (2012) // pick me up and take me like a vitamin 'cause my body's sweet like sugar venom // Raising Hell - Kesha ft. Big Freedia (2019) // hungover, heart of gold, holy mess. doin' my best, bitch, I'm blessed // Rivers and Roads - The Head and the Heart (2011) // been talking 'bout the way things change // Royals - Lorde (2013) // we don't care, we aren't caught up in your love affair // S.O.B. - Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night Sweats (2015) // I'm going to cover myself with the ashes of you and nobody's gonna give a damn // Satisfied - Original Broadway Cast (2015) // it's a dream and it's a bit of a dance, a bit of a posture, it's a bit of a stance. He's a bit of a flirt, but I'm 'a give it a chance. I asked about his fam'ly, did you see his answer? his hands started fidgeting, he looked askance? he's penniless, he's flying by the seat of his pants // Sex – The 1975 (2013) // and she said use your hands and my spare time, we've got one thing in common it's this tongue of mine // Shake It Out – Florence + the Machine (2011) // our love is pastured such a mournful sound, tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground// Shut Up and Dance - Walk the Moon (2014) // my discotheque Juliet teenage dream // Silly Love Songs - Darren Criss (2011) // how can I tell you about my loved one // Some Nights - Fun. (2012) // this is not one for the folks at home, I'm sorry to leave, mom, I had to go. who the fuck wants to die alone all dried up in the desert sun? // Someone Like You – Adele (2011) // we were born and raised in a summer haze, bound by the surprise of our glory days // Sorry - Justin Bieber (2015) // *dolphin noises* // Spaceship - Kesha (2017) // I knew from the start I don't belong in these parts. there's too much hate, there's too much hurt for this heart // Stars - Fun. (2012) // some nights I rule the world with bar lights and pretty girls, but most nights I stay straight and think about my mom // Stitches - Shawn Mendes (2015) // needle and the thread gotta get you out of my head // Sunflower, Vol. 6 - Harry Styles (2019) // *gasp* your flowers just died, plant new seeds in the melody // Super Bass - Nicki Minaj (2010) // and he ill, he real, he might gotta deal. he pop bottles and he got the right kind of build. he cold, he dope, he might sell coke. he always in the air, but he never fly coach // Take Me to Church - Hozier (2013) // I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies. I'll tell you my sins, and you can sharpen your knife // Thank u, Next - Ariana Grande (2018) // she taught me love, she taught me patience, how she handles pain // The Pachanelly Canon - Gentleman’s Rule (2012) // I'm getting pages out of New Jersey, from Courtney B telling me about a party up in NYC. can I make it? damn right I be on the next flight. payin cash. first class. sittin' next to Vanna White // The Wire - Haim (2013) // I just know, I know, I know, I know that you're gonna be okay anyway // Theme From “Cheers” - Titus Andronicus (2010)// I'm sick and tired of everyone in this town being so goddamn uptight, but don't you worry, I'll do all the talking when they turn on the flashing lights // Thieves – She & Him (2010) // I'm not a prophet, old love is in me. new love just seeps right in and makes me guilty // This is America - Childish Gambino (2018) // tell somebody, you go tell somebody. grandma told me, get your money, black man // Trouble - Neon Jungle (2013) // lights up let's have a toke, pour more whiskey in my coke .. Truth Hurts - Lizzo (2017) // you coulda had a bad bitch, non-committal // Uma Thurman - Fall Out Boy (2015) // and I slept in last night's clothes and tomorrow’s dreams, but they are not quite what they seem // Wetsuit – The Vaccines (2011) // with a cool, cool breeze and dirty knees, I rest on childhood memories // What a Feeling - One Direction (2015) // when the air ran out and we both started running wild, the sky fell down // Wilson - Fall Out Boy (2018) // I'll stop wearing black when they make a darker color // Wolves - One Direction (2015) // I feel the waves getting started, it's a rush inside I can't control // You Need Me, I Don’t Need You - Ed Sheeran (2011) // melody music maker, reading all the papers, they say I'm up and coming like I'm fucking in an elevator // You’re in Love With a Psycho - Kasabian (2017) // I'm like the taste of macaroni on a seafood stick

Songs that would have made the list were they on Spotify: We Can’t Stop - Bastille // I Love Clothes (Deadbeat Summer) - Childish Gambino //  G.O.O.D. Friday - Kanye West ft. Common, Pusha T, Kid Cudi, Big Sean & Charlie Wilson // Driving in Cars with Boys - Lana Del Rey // Blurred Lines - Vampire Weekend // a number of mashups (Office Musik, What Makes You Da One, Live While We Die Young, Brush Your Bittersweet Shoulders Off, We Are Complicated)

[chocokakeko]

OOC: 2020.. year in review..? I guess

I have seen a lot of people making year end posts so I figured I might try  to write something. Where the fuck does one BEGIN? Jeez. Well in January of 2020 I had a triple infection; ears, sinuses and lungs and I was miserable for all of nearly two weeks. I also lost my dog in January..  that was the set up for this year.. I miss him with my whole heart.  In March I was lucky enough to have my ovarian cyst removal surgery  before we went into complete pandemic lockdown.  I had a 9 cm teratoma cyst on my right ovary and it was so large they had to remove my right ovary as many of you know but I got to keep my left ovary as they were able to drain the cyst on that side. Speaking of lockdowns... we only really went into lockdown for one month.. you heard that right.. one fucking month. I live in the United States btw... you all probably know the hell fire, cluster fuck that is the United States of America whether you live here or not.  I live in Missouri to be exact. I hate it here. My mom was having horrible manic episodes with her bipolar depression  and by late April or early May she ended up in the psychiatric hospital again.  This  had a huge impact on me. Since they told us there was nothing more they could do for her other than the medication changes. The medication helps quite a bit but she’s still a bit foggy and gets confused. She also has severe rheumatoid arthritis so her mobility is limited. The hospital said it was best to put her in a  nursing facility. I cried a lot about it and felt guilty because we had tried everything to keep her at home but it wasn’t working. I can barely take care of myself let alone another person. I still struggle a lot with my own issues even though my mom is now at a skilled nursing facility. I don’t usually air out my laundry like this but I am disabled. I couldn’t work due to my mental health. I realize that many people struggle with their mental health and still have regular jobs  and I’m sorry to those who suffer and need more resources and help. I get a disability check but it’s not enough to get by, by any means. It makes sense, it is unearned income but still if my health and mental health allowed it I would rather be working and making a more livable income... so that’s why I’m here most of the time. I figured I would put that out there.  I’m sorry I go back and forth with this post I get side tracked and  I have so many things to say that tie into one another.  Back to my mother, she is at least close by and they were allowing compassionate care visits but my mother ended up testing positive for covid and it broke my heart. She is doing well despite how bad covid has been and can be. She’s been taking lots of preventative medications and vitamins. She’s already starting to get better. I love my mom. We’ve had our disagreements but in the end my mom has always been the one there for me. I care about my dad but he was always verbally abusive and my parents used to get into physical  fights when I was younger.  I resent my dad a lot  but  he’s hopefully going to get some income soon to help me with bills so that’s good I suppose.  Not having my mom  to help spilt costs with has been hard but I’m getting by, barely. Overall 2020 has been shit for me but I look forward to the moments  we will get to share with our friends, family and  people in general once this pandemic is all over. Until then, stay the fuck home and don’t gather in groups and crowds of people who live outside your household. You’re the reason people are DYING. Until a vaccine is readily available for the general public we CANNOT gather. It frustrates me that some people are too fucking dense to realize that shit. I’m still waiting on my covid19 test to come back. Hopefully by this evening they will have the results.  My heart and condolences go out to the people who have lost someone they love and care about to covid19 or anything  because 2020 has been a lonely year and we can’t comfort each other the same way. I want to thank everyone that rps with me and talks to me in general. It means a lot to me and rp is something that really occupies my mind so I don’t dig myself into a hole all the time with depression and anxiety. I am an  avid overthinker. I would tag people but I am too shy to do so. I don’t talk ooc  much but I wouldn’t mind being friends with people ooc if they wanted to be. My bff  I met them from rp. I love u jackson, u thot. I’ve met a lot of great people here, they outweigh the bad ones I’ve encountered.  I hope to continue my current  friendships  ooc and rp.  I’m happy to have  the people I currently have in my life. I hope 2021 welcomes the things we all need and deserve.  Thank you to everyone who puts up with me and keiko as well.   I appreciate everyone  and I don’t take you for granted.   This year has been more than rough but we will get through this. Sincerely - kellie, the munmun. 

[hissyreviews]

October Reads

October is the month of spooks. So it makes sense that this is the month of the spooky books. This will be the same format as last month. There will be the book’s synopsis, my quick thoughts (though no one can say that they are intelligent), then my arbitrary ranking of the book. Under the read more!

Horns by Joe Hill

Merrin Williams is dead, slaughtered under inexplicable circumstances, leaving her beloved boyfriend Ignatius Perrish as the only suspect. On the first anniversary of Merrin’s muder, Ig spends the night drunk and doin awful things. When he wakes the next morning he has a thunderous hangover. . . and horns growing from his temples. Ig possesses a terrible new power to go with his terrible new look - a macabre gift he intends to use to find the monster who killed his one true love. Being good and praying for the best got him nowhere. Now it’s time for revenge. . . It’s time the devil had his due.

Thoughts: Alright, let’s discuss how great this book is. I truly believe that Joe Hill is one of the eminent horror writers of our time. I think he is just as good as Stephen King, although I like him more. There is less meandering in writing, it is tight and the story is devilishly good. I really like how it goes about the powers that Ig gains. It makes logical sense. But I truly hate Ig’s name. It’s fucking stupid. Ignatius bitch, his brother’s name is Terry! His parents were punishing him.

Rating: 8/10 would recommend

Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn

On a warm summer morning in North Carthage, Missouri is is Nick and Amy Dunne’s fifth wedding anniversary. Presents are being wrapped and plans are being made when Nick’s clever and beautiful wife disappears. As the police begin to investigate, the town golden boy parades a series of lies, deceits, and inappropriate behavior. Nick is oddly evasive, and he’s definitely bitter - but is he really a killer.

Thoughts: This book really makes me think about the movie. I knew that Flynn had written the screenplay for the movie but she puts everything into it. I have never said this before but if you have watched the movie you wouldn’t need to read this book. If you read this book, then you know every move in the movie. There are more diary entries, more inner monologues, but you know what pick one or the other or both. You’ll know the whole story no matter which you pick.

Rating: 9/10 would definitely recommend either movie or book

The Haunting of Hill House by Shirley Jackson

First published in 1959, Shirley Jackson’s The Haunting of Hill House has been hailed as a perfect work of unnerving terror. It is the story of four seekers who arrive at a notoriously ufriendly pile called Hill House: Dr. Montague, an occult scholar looking for solid evidence of a haunting; Theodora, his light hearted assistant; Eleanor, a friendless, fragile young woman well acquainted with poltergeist; and Luke, the future heir of Hill House. At first, their stay seems destined to be merely a chilling encounter with inexplicable phenomena. But Hill House is gathering its powers - and soon it will choose one of them to make its own.

Thoughts: This novel is the quintessential haunted house novel. I really believe that it is the heavy hitter in the genre. I loved the characterizations in here and the setting was foreboding. Hill House echoes in the mind. You can feel it emanating from the pages as you read. If you like ghost stories you need to read this classic.

Rating: 9/10 buy it for your bookshelf

Beastly by Alex Flinn

I am a beast. A beast. Not quite wolf or gorilla or dog, but a horrible new creature with fangs, claws, and hair springing from every pore. I am a walking monster. You think I’m talkign fairy tales? No way. The place is New York City. The time is now. And I’ll stay this way forever - unless I can break the spell. Yes, the spell, the one the witch in my English class cast on me. Why did she turn me into a beast who hides by day and prowls by night? I’ll tell you how I used to be Kyle Kingsbury, the guy you wished you were, with money, perfect looks, the perfect girl, and the perfect life. And then, I’ll tell you how I became perfectly . . . beastly

Thoughts: Yawn. I wanted something to lighten up my October and this was only an hour and a half read. I think it would be more interesting if I had read it when I was the target demographic. There are some cute things: the chat room for cursed individuals. Great idea! How Kyle looked? Cool deal. The fact that he still needs to find someone to love and stuff. Meh.

Rating: 3/10 get it for a kid who likes fairy tales. They’ll probably enjoy it.

Room by Emma Donoghue

To five-year-old Jack, Room is the world. It’s where he was born, it’s where he and his Ma eat and sleep and play and learn. At night, Ma shuts his safely in the wardrobe, where Jack is meant to be asleep when Old Nick visits. Room is home to Jack, but to Ma it’s the prison where she has been held for seven years. Through her fierce love for her son, she has created a life for him in this eleven-by-eleven- foot space. But Jack’s curiosity is building alongside Ma’s own desperation - and she knows that Room cannot contain either much longer. Room is a tale at once shocking, riveting, exhilarating - a story of unconquerable love in harrowing circumstances, and of the diamond-hard bond between a mother and her child.

Thoughts: This is a very rough book to read. It is told from Jack’s perspective. And it really shows you how the a child doesn’t see anything wrong with being confined to a small space. The book is divided in such a way as to feel like two different stories. Them in the room and their lives post-Room. Neither are easy. The novel was written in 2010 a year after Jaycee Dugard was rescued from her abductors with her two daughters fathered by the man. Six years later Rosalynn McGinnis was rescued after being held captive for twenty years with her nine children fathered by her abductor. Room is fictional but the cases that inspired it, the cases that are still being solved that are almost beat by beat identical to the story are very real.

Rating: 6/10 didn’t truly enjoy because it is a rough read. Very very rough. Will make you think about the women who have suffered this travesty.

Hidden Bodies by Caroline Kepnes

Joe Goldberg is no stranger to hiding bodies. In the past ten years, this thritysomething has buried four of them, collateral damage in his quest for love. Now he’s heading west to Los Angeles, the city of second chances, determined to put his past behind him. In Hollywood, Joe blends in effortlessly with his fellow young upstarts. He eats guac, works in a bookstore, and flirts with a journalist neighbor. But while others seem fixated on their own reflections, Joe can’t stop looking over his shoulder. The problem with hidden bodies is that they don’t always stay that way. They reemerge, like dark thoughts, multiplying and threatening to destroy what Joe wants most: true love. And when he finds it in a darkened room in a Soho House, he’s more desperate than ever to keep his secrets buried. He doesn’t want to hurt his new girlfriend - he wants to be with her forever. But if she ever finds out what he’s done, he may not have a choice. . .

Thoughts: Dude, this is just as creepy as You and it pops off much quicker. Like damn Joe pop a chill pill. Leave the peeps alone you crazy stalker. If you liked You you will like this book. It is a solid sequel. I just gotta say that ending?! What the hell Kepnes!?! Can a gal get a satisfying conclusion to the story where she’s been begging for the cops to arrest our lovely protagonist the entire time. Damn girl!

Rating: 8/10 would recommend. Very creepy.

The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks

Don’t be carefree and foolish with your most precious asset - life. This book is your key to survival against the hordes of undead who may be stalking you right now without your even knowing it. The Zombie Survival Guide offers complete protection through trusted, proven tips for safeguarding yourself and your loved ones against the living dead. It is a book that can save your life.

Thoughts: Bitch what can I say? It was October. I wanted to read some kitschy shit. Mmkay?

Rating: 5/10 Fun but not serious in any way, shape, or form.

The Magicians by Lev Grossman

Quentin Coldwater is brilliant but miserable A high school math genius, he’s secretly fascinated with a series of children’s fantasy novels set in a magical land called Fillory, and real life is disappointing by comparison. When Quentin is unexpectedly admitted to an elite, secret college of magic, it looks like his wildest dreams may have come true. But his newfound powers lead him down a rabbit hole of hedonism and disillusionment, and ultimately to the dark secret behind the story of Fillory. The land of his childhood fantasies turns out to be much darker and more dangerous than he ever could have imagined. . . .

Thoughts: This is like Harry Potter if they went to an after high school secondary education. Hello wizard college. Speaking of, why isn’t there a wizard college or university in Harry Potter? I mean no one tell JK she’ll fuck it up but really? I’m just saying. Very fun, moves quickly. Also goes over how just because you get what you want doesn’t mean you’ll be happy. Like dude can control magic and he’s still not happy. Some people just need some anti-depressants man.

Rating: 9/10 would definitely recommend

Ghost Hunters by Deborah Blum

At the close of the nineteenth century, as Darwin’s theory of evolution gave birth to a golden age of rationalism, a small group of scientists launched a determined investigation into “unexplainable” incidences of clairvoyance and ghostly visitations. Led by William James, the renowned philosopher and professor of psychiatry at Harvard, they staked their reputations, their careers, even their sanity on one of the most extraordinary psychological quests ever undertaken: to empirically prove the existence of ghosts, spirits, and psychic phenomena. What they pursued -- and what they found -- raises questions as fascinating today as they were then.

Thoughts: This is in the same vein as Mary Roach’s Spook. It is a historical search into some of the first scientific expeditions into the afterlife. And you know what? That’s what science is about. Looking into a subject to gain empirical evidence that could revolutionize the world? What actual scientist would not jump at the chance? Man, I read it and was just like, wow, scientist can be really fucking stupid. Just perform some experiments champ. Stop being a stubborn close-minded bitch. You know those people who are like “we just cease to exist when we die” and those who are like “you have a soul and you have to follow my religion or you will burn in hell when you die” both are close-minded twat waffles.

Thoughts: 8/10 would recommend to a scientist so they can see how fucking rude their fields were to those attempting to use science to explain the metaphysical world.

Red Dragon by Thomas Harris

Will Graham has a fearful gift - a taletn for the pursuit of human monsters. He has caught two mass murderers in his FBI career. Now he must hunt again. A ritual murderer has struck twice, killing entire families in two South-eastern cities. Graham must find him before the moon is full again or another family will die. Graham’s keen empathy permits him - sometimes forces him - to see the crimes from some haunting points of view. This ability and his forensic skills make him the prime threat to the murderer. The killer, Francis Dolarhyde, is a terrible accident of nature, shaped by his early life into a monster. He’s trying to work things out, though. So far his efforts have cost ten lives. He intends to do something about that. In a chilling race against time, Graham searches desperately after Dolarhyde, always conscious that he and the killer are, at some fundamental level, alike. And in one terrifying respect he is right. Like him, the murderer is a ruthless hunter, already beginning his search for Will Graham.

Thoughts: First, the synopsis gives the entire story away. And to be honest I enjoyed this book however, I love my girl Clarice so much more. Would it be different if I had read this first? Maybe. Dolarhyde has sections in this book that are my favorite parts. They are messed up but the glimpses into that mind are fascinating. An enjoyable read.

Rating: 8/10 would recommend you read before Silence of the Lambs cause you will like that one more but this one deserves a read