#i know theres a lot of variability in Christianity and maybe not everyone raised Christian will be traumatized | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

caffeinatedopossum · 1 year

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I just realized something really sad

I have two best friends outside of tumblr (my only irls that aren't roommates basically) and one of them I try to talk to constantly but she doesn't always respond, in fact she kind of barely does. I want to talk to her all the time but I always feel like I'm boring her or like she doesn't understand why I can't do some of the things I can't do.

The other one is always trying to talk to me, usually trying to call me. But I rarely ever pick up or respond or text first. My relationship with her is really complicated because some of my alters are very hurt from some things she did a while ago, others just don't trust her, and then the ones that front when we talk love her.

I have so many mixed feelings and the switches triggered by that mean I always don't answer or forget because I have dissociative amnesia about her trying to contact me in the first place... I don't know, I don't want to make excuses for myself but I genuinely don't know if this is a valid reason for treating her the way I do or if I'm an awful friend. Of course, it could also be both. I just don't know what to do. I don't want her to feel neglected by me like I sometimes do with my other friend.

#for some context about what the things that hurt these alters were ill elaborate here in the tags #so me and friend 2 have been friends for a very long time. since i was about 13-14 and were both adults now #i was raised Christian and it deeply traumatized me. i didnt deconvert until i was about 17 and even then was back and forth #i know theres a lot of variability in Christianity and maybe not everyone raised Christian will be traumatized #but i really really was. and if youve seen some of my posts about my religious trauma youll know why #when i was 18 i had just moved out of my moms house and was basically crashing on a friends couch/floor #i was extremely stressed and vulnerable at the time #and during that time my friend tried to reconvert me #i dont remember exactly what she said but it devolved into arguing and i had a panic attack over it at least once #we didnt talk for a while #shes also stated pretty directly before that she believes being transgender (which i am) is wrong #i let it slide because she apologized and stopped pushing the matter #she almost never brings it up anymore #and parts of me forgive her but other parts don't #i feel like i should also talk about the ways that shes a good friend because this is gonna make it seem really one sided otherwise #so for one shes been with me through the hardest years of my life #talking me down from taking my life late into the nights... being there when no one else was... reminding me that im worth something #shes been patient and kind and supportive all this time #she was also the person who eventually got me to realize that my parents and even my siblings were abusive and neglectful #which was a very big deal for me #i wouldnt have lived this long without her suppory #even now she checks in on me #making sure im not suicidal and reminding me that shes here for me #always reaching out if i havent responded in a while just to make sure im okay #she also struggles with a lot of the same stuff as me having had ptsd depression and an eating disorder before #so she helps me feel less alone #but now i dont ever feel close to her #and i dont know if i ever will again #i feel cruel for not telling her the truth if i haven't forgiven her yet but I don't think itd do any good for her to know

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