#she also struggles with a lot of the same stuff as me having had ptsd depression and an eating disorder before

[ur-frndly-neighborhood-memer1]

Luz's Trauma Is Downplayed

In The Owl House, we've seen many kinds of trauma, abuse and abusive relationships.

Hunter is the most noticeable example. It's easy to see his PTSD because we've witnessed the abuse that he suffered from his "uncle"s hand.

And it's hinted that it was Belos who gave Hunter the scars on his cheek and ear.

Just like how he gave him the new scars...

So we know that Hunter is a victim of long life abuse and very likely to suffer from PTSD (or "Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" to be clear)

No wonder why he was having panic attacks in season 2.

And it's the same case for Amity. We've seen her stormy relationship with her parents.

And especially with her mother. Because Odalia isn't only strict but also a narcissistic mother who was emotionally abusive towards Amity.

And her father was mostly neglectful towards her too.

So just like Hunter, it's easy to see Amity's trauma.

And for Eda's case, we've seen her broken relationship with her sister in season 1 finale.

How her own sister cursed her for the sake of being a member of Emperor's Coven, a dream that shared by both sisters. And we saw Eda giving up on her dream because she didn't want to fight her sister. But Lilith on the other hand, went as far to curse her own sister...

Their backstory was the best but also the most tragic part of the season 1 for me.

We also saw clear flashbacks about Eda's past during "Knock, Knock, Knockin' Hooty's Door". We saw her family tragedy when her cursed form took out her father's eye, we saw her break-up with Raine... Basically, we saw how mentally broken and depressed she really was underneath that funny and sassy Owl Lady image. And let's be honest, this attitude is nothing but a coping mechanism to deal with guilt hurting her loved ones, fear of losing them and pain of her broken dreams...

Not even mentioning "Eda's Requiem" when her abondement issues got exposed to the audience for the first time. And she afraid of being lonely so much that she literally got suicidal at the end...

And even Willow!

I say "even" because her dads never appeared abusive, just lowkey strict.

Like, how they forced her to be placed in abomination coven even though she obviously had no interest in it and was struggling a lot.

However, Willow's trauma doesn't lie in her family life, but rather in her school life.

She was constantly bullied by Amity, Boscha and their gaang. She was underestimated, made fun of; felt worthless because of this negative treatment by her classmates...

Again, we can see Willow's struggle and empathize with her quickly, especially because we've seen that she was being bullied in the very first episode that she appeared.

HOWEVER

We know very little about how Luz's life was like before she went to Boiling Isles.

Yes, we had some brief flashbacks in "Thanks To Them", but even then, we've seen them from Camila's perspective, not from Luz's.

There are a few hints that giving Luz was being bullied in the school due to her antics and neurodivergent behaviors.

Such as in "Knock, Knock, Knockin' Hooty's Door"

You can see how stressful and nervous she looks here. Which makes sense because she was afraid that Amity was going to reject her and find her cheesy... just as how it happened back in the human world too.

So it's very likely that Luz had a crush on someone, but was rejected and made fun of due to her weirdness. (Honestly, who would reject this cute, pretty little goofball?!)

"Oh no! I'm gonna be made fun of again" This line makes it clear I think.

And then when she can't hold herself anymore, Luz starts panicking and destroying everything in the Tunnel of Love.

Most people were focused on Amity's sadness here, which is normal since the camera also focus on her instead of Luz who is busy destroying the stuff.

And apart from this, we know that Luz didn't have any friends except the "imaginary ones".

This is literally all we know about Luz's social life, and most of these are still semi-canon since it's never been truly revealed.

The only we know about Luz's social/family life is that she has a very loving mother (which is great) but also that she is dealing with a deep feeling of grief and pain due to losing her father at such a young age...

It's not exactly revealed what happened to Manny Noceda, but since Camila said that they had to move somewhere closer to a good hospital in order to cure him, we can say he was sick with a deadly disease (perhaps cancer?)

While saying it like that, it may seem like a lot about Luz's personal life was revealed in the show, but believe me, that's far from being the case...

Luz's traumas are often ignored by fandom. And the reason is the show is ignoring Luz.

Think about it, she's the protagonist so she's supposed to have the spotlight, right?

But no, we know much more about Eda, Hunter and Amity's personal lifes. I'm not saying this to complain, their own stories are also very interesting, especially Eda's. But still, it's no excuse to ignore the main character.

For all we know, Luz was bullied and made fun of in school, like Willow.

She was afraid of rejection, like Amity.

She is manipulated and scarred by Belos, like Hunter.

She is secretly depressed because of her relationship with father, like Eda.

But despite being deeply hurt and broken, why don't most of us acknowledge Luz's trauma?

Well, we have Disney to thank for this... Due to shortening The Owl House, we lost a great opportunity to know more about Luz.

However, this isn't the only reason...

Despite the fact that the show is shortened, we still have detailed informations about other characters like Eda, Amity, Hunter...

But the reason why Luz was ignored is also Dana Terrace's fault too. She often neglected Luz and focused more on other characters.

Maybe some people will disagree with me, but still, it's undeniable that Luz was neglected as a character and barely had the spotlight despite being the protagonist.

It's not only Luz though. Gus and King's backstories aren't even revealed or foreshadowed at all. We know little to no about them. Yeah, King is a Titan and Gus' dad is called Perry, and what else?

Like yeah, at least I was able write a few things about Luz. But there was almost nothing to write about Gus and King.

I wish we could have a full season 3 and then a season 4, we'd at least have some time to see everything without hurry.

Now I can only hope to have a good final episode. I sure hope "Watching and Dreaming" will be a good finale.

[hello-nichya-here]

What are your thoughts on MJ's daughter supporting Israel and trying to distance herself from her dad? Girl won't even defend him

Jesus fucking Christ, are you guys coordinating these asks? This is the third time one of you asked me it, I'm legit impressed.

Let's get the easy, and horrible part out of the way first: nobody on the fucking planet has any excuse to support Israel. You can hate Hamas and the goverments of countries like Iran without excusing the literal genocide of civilians in Palestine, because yes, that's what Israel is doing right now.

Paris Jackson (and everyone else, famous or not, that is still pretending Israel isn't commiting all kinds of crimes against humanity right now) should have known better and needs to get her shit together.

Now, onto the messy part:

Although Paris has recently said "it's not her role/place" to defend her dad, lets not forget the other things she said on that same controversial statement:

1 - She fully believes her father is innocent and called the "documentary" Leaving Neverland pure lies.

2 - She believes that everything that could be said about her father's innocence has been said already and she'd have nothing new to add to the conversation.

3 - Her cousin Taj has become basically the leader of the family's campain to clear Michael's name and has been doing an amazing job.

4 - She's not as patient as her father was to deal with that kind of stuff and she has been focusing more on trying to recover from her mental health issues.

That last one is important, specially when we remember that Paris has claimed to have been sexually abused in school (which left her with PTSD), and that she has struggled with addiction, paranoia and a freaking suicide attempt.

It would not be surprising to me if having to listen to allegations of childhood sexual abuse is extremelly triggering for her - especially since the person being accused of being the abuser is her late father, who was murdered by his doctor when she was just 10-years-old, and she was treated like a stupid child in denial everytime she tried to point out the things being said about him were not true.

Considering she has continued to praise her father over the years, both with small things like posting a family picture on Father's day this year and big things like saying he was a super accepting man that was totally cool with her not being straight, and DID defend him publically every now and then, like, once again, calling "Leaving Neverland" pure lies when it came out, I'd say she's not really trying to distance herself from her dad or imply she's starting to think he might have been guilty. I think she just genuinely cannot fucking stand having to act as his lawyer only to have every word she says ignored, no matter how much evidence she offers to back it up.

(And before anyone brings up the fact that Taj was also a victim of sexual abuse in his childhood and has is still speaking out in support of his uncle, including of how he helped him deal with his trauma, keep in mind that people cope differently and heal at different paces).

Do I think she could have phrased some things better? Yes.

If either of my parents were accused of something horrible and a bunch of people kept insisting they were guilty despite all evidence poiting to the contrary, would I interact with said celebrities? No, and it is extremelly disappointing whenever Paris does that...

... But then again, Michael was at war with his record label, Sony, for years and was convinced they were not only sabotaging his career but also trying to murder him, yet he still was ready to go on a final tour that was going to make them A LOT of money. Like father, like daughter.

Honestly, I would not blame the entire Jackson family if they just made one last big documentary to try and clear Michael's name, then, regardless of how it was taken, packed all their shit and moved to a remote island, far away from the spotlight and never spoke to any journalist or had any social media presence again. They've been getting screwed over and surrounded by awful people in the industry, the media, and amongst other celebrities since the goddamn sixties, it's a miracle anyone of them is still trying to "play the game" or explain themselves.

[goosegoblin]

If therapy is an option and you haven’t already tried it, maybe finding a therapist trained in Somatic Experiencing Therapy? I also had a therapist friend recommend EMDR to help my anxiety once. I thought it was just for people with PTSD or C-PTSD but she said it’s really versatile and can help with desensitization.

Mm, I've been looking into it. I had also assumed those were mostly trauma-only/ trauma-focused therapies, so that's good to know.

I struggle with finding a therapy modality I like, to be honest. I've had many, many therapists over the years, but after a few months I always just end up frustrated and unhappy. My loved ones are like "therapy was so helpful today!" or "I'm really looking forward to therapy", and that confuses me so much. I anticipate sessions with the kind of dread and dismay normally reserved for dental appointments or unwanted social engagements.

CBT often feels surface-level and useless. DBT feels the same, plus some basic coping skills I already have. EMDR is interesting (purple hat/ the eye movement stuff aside)- but at that point, perhaps plain prolonged exposure therapy is better (which I am kind of interested in, ngl).

I can't picture things in my head so anything with guided imagery is useless to me. Polyvagal theory is pseudoscience and I can't fuck with it. My therapist has done some IFS with me, which was interesting at first, but I... kind of feel like I started thinking in those ways naturally during my anorexia recovery, just by the way that my brain works. That's not supposed to be a brag (lmao that would be the most pathetic flex ever)- just that 'viewing my brain as different parts and being kind to them' was already something I was doing, and it hasn't helped for this.

I'm interested in some somatic stuff, but I know lots of it involves like... moving or beahving in certain ways in front of the therapist, and I'd honestly rather die? I do so badly with requests I perceive as 'cringey' that I got politely asked to not return to art therapy when I was inpatient lmao

Anyway, I've spent 5+ years going to therapists and saying "Hello, can we try ACT?", and every time they agree and then make me do a different therapy. I do not know why this keeps happening to me.

[jerzwriter]

Make Me Admit Stuff (for any or all of your MC/LIs😊)

#18 The last time you felt broken?

#34 Listening to?

#50 Ever used a bow and arrow? (I had to throw a bone to E&Z. They always seem left out of these. LOL)

#70 Is there aNOTHER profession you picture your future/CURRENT spouse doing?

#88 Ever have plastic surgery?

Hey Cari!

Thanks so much for the asks! :) From -> Make Me Admit Stuff

18) Last time they felt broken? Basing these on the current timeline in each of my HCs. For Eli & Zoe, their timeline is in the future, so I'll go based on what I have written for them so far. Ethan: Before they found the antidote after the chemical attack, and he was terrified of losing Kaycee. Of course, he was running on adrenaline at the time, so it sort of hit him after. But then he had to deal with the emotions, his true feelings, etc. So, our boy had a lot going on.

Kaycee: It was around the same time, but it centered more on survivor guilt because she survived and Bobby & Danny did not.

Tobias: It would also be the chemical attack at this point (though he has another big event in the future). He and Casey weren't together at the time; she had recently broken up with him. In addition to being scared to death, he was also dealing with guilt because he felt if he hadn't stolen Stephanie, Casey wouldn't have stolen Farruggia, and she wouldn't be in this situation. (Ofc, this all led to them being together permanently, but he didn't know that then. lol)

Casey: It was also the aftermath of the attack. She really struggled with PTSD, and it took her quite a while to get back to being herself.

Trystan: While not addressed in canon, I think coping with the aftermath of all that happened in Book 2 would leave Trystan in rough shape for a while. Not to the point that he couldn't function, but I imagine he'd need some good therapy and would really lean on MC and some other good friends to get through.

Carolina: Her father's death. Yeah, she's dealt with many other things since, and she has a steely resolve that enables her to get through things. But I don't think she's ever fully dealt with the trauma of her father's death.

Eli: Poor Eli - he's always going to be a little broken after how he lost his family. He stayed in that place for so long after, and it wasn't until he met Zoe and the gang that he began to get out of that fog. But a tragedy that deep will never fully leave him.

Zoe: Zoe's in the same boat, more or less. Losing Ana was terribly difficult for her. However, she never had time to cope with that; she didn't have the luxury of breaking... good in some ways, bad in others, because she never fully heals from it.

More below...

34) Listening to?

Answered this one for Tobias & Casey here.

Kaycee is listening to a lot of Taylor Swift. She's still not off of her Eras Tour high. She's also a fan of Olivia Rodrigo's new album, and none of this sits well with Ethan. lol Ethan is listening to his old standbys... opera, classics, and some standards like Sinatra. Although, while he may be loathe to admit it, Kaycee has introduced him to Noah Kahan, and he has definitely added some songs to his playlist. His favorites? Growing Sideways, Come Over, Still, and Paul Revere.

Trystan: He is a Taylor girlie, and I will die on this hill. He's listening to the 1989 revamp as well as Midnights, which he'll never get over. Most frequently played? Lavender Haze, Vigilante Shit, and Karma.

Carolina has a lot of Bad Bunny and Bruno Mars tunes blasting in her earbuds as of late. She isn't the biggest TS fan (though she listens to indulge Trystan), but she does have a thing for Vigilante Shit.

50) Ever used a bow and arrow?

Ethan and Kaycee, I'm gonna say no.

Tobias went to some preppy-ass rich kid school, so I'm sure archery was included in the phys ed curriculum at one point or another, so he's a yes. Casey, probably on a drunken dare, and it didn't go well. She swore off ever doing it again. lol

Trystan and Carolina are both yeses. I mean, the more they have in their arsenal, the better.

And we already know Eli and Zoe are the pros in this area. lol

70) Is there another profession they picture their future/current spouse doing?

Hmm.. since they're all endgame, let's play "what if" here. What did they imagine their future spouse/partner would do before they met their end gamer.

Ethan: Ethan thought his partners would be either in the medical field or something equally cerebral. This man is a sapiosexual first and foremost in my mind.

Kaycee: She never gave it much thought but assumed it would be someone working in a field related to medicine in some way, solely because she worked so much she thought it was the only way she'd meet someone. It didn't have to be a doctor, nurse, or other professional, but she assumed it would be someone who worked in the hospital in some capacity.

Tobias: He really never gave it any thought at all. He was equal opportunity in the past because he wasn't looking for serious. But for him to settle down, he'd need someone who did something that he found stimulating on some level. Did it need to be another doctor? No. But while he would have been OK dating, say, a model or socialite for fun, that wouldn't have appealed to him long-term.

Casey: She never really had an idea of what profession her life partner would be. While the idea of them being in a field similar to hers was appealing, it was not a requirement. It was always more about the person than the occupation to her.

Trystan: He certainly didn't think it would be a detective. lol In the past, he assumed it would be another royal or socialite. After he was in exile, it probably didn't change much. Though I don't think he was looking to settle down after Juliana, he assumed if he would, it would be someone from his strata.

Carolina: Carolina did not feel she would end up in something long-term, and romance never preoccupied her thoughts. However, if she were asked, she would have assumed it would be someone from a blue-collar background not unlike her own.

Eli and Zoe - not really an issue in their world.

88) Ever had plastic surgery?

Let's go with WOULD they, as well as have they.

Ethan: Has not, and would not for "superficial" cosmetic reasons. However, he would be open to it if it were to correct a major malformation due to an accident, etc.

Kaycee: She has not and probably will not. She believes in aging gracefully and being happy with what you are, but she would not be opposed if something were causing her to feel bad about herself.

Tobias: He has not, but he would be open to it if the procedure was very safe. It's not something he would do lightly, and he wouldn't be a regular, but he'd consider it if something really bothered him. (Ironically, he'd support Casey if she wanted to, but he'd be personally opposed because he thinks she's perfect as is.)

Casey: Her answer would be very similar to Tobias's. She wouldn't have work done lightly, only if something truly bothered her. I don't see her actually doing it.

Trystan: Has not, but yeah, he would lol

Carolina: It's nothing she ever considered, and she probably wouldn't, but she would not be opposed either. I can see her getting it if, say, she got a bad scar, and it was painful for her to see it. She'd have that corrected if she could.

Eli and Zoe... well, lol.

Thanks for asking, Cari!

[marciabrady]

So I read your thoughts on TLM II and I was just wondering if there was a princess or couple you’d like to see have a child/children - maybe not for a full feature length film but for maybe a 10 - 20 minute short film.

I’m very wishy-washy when it comes to children. Sometimes I love it when media gives a fictional couple I like children but sometimes it puts me off. Sometimes I’m split in the middle.

For example, I love the idea of Simba being a dad in TLK II and I really liked his character and how the movie showed how the PTSD from the childhood trauma Scar inflicted on him still affects him even though he appears to be this strong and powerful king and how even as an adult he still looks up to his dad. Unfortunately, whilst Kiara isn’t a bad character, I hated all of the next generation stuff. Like you said for TLK 2, it’s obvious that the sequel is much more cartoony and targeted for like seven and under compared to the wider demographic that the original film has. I can watch Lion King today and still love and enjoy every second. The same can’t be said for the sequel. Like how you came for Ariel and got too much Melody, I came to a movie called SIMBA’S pride and felt like he had to give up the spotlight to his daughter (and yes his personality was also reduced to ‘protect my daughter’).

This is an interesting question! I know they wanted to bring back the nine old men at one point in the late 90s and have them animate the princesses (up until Jasmine iirc) with children! I love the idea, but purely because I would've wanted to see Marc Davis return to Cinderella and Aurora, Glen Keane to Ariel, etc, but I don't really love the premise of any of them having children. Like I mentioned, I don't love having to divide the time we spend with a character with an OC. Most media doesn't do a good job of keeping the character intact after having a child either, it literally just becomes all about the kid and keeping the kid safe and who the original character was kind of gets lost and eroded in that entire thing, too. I also hate aged down content and "next generation" throughlines.

Out of the princesses I care about, I think Cinderella would be the most fitting to have children? Again, this is supposing the original creative team was involved (which is impossible since they've all passed on). But we've seen hints of what Cinderella would be like as a mother, through her relationship to the mice and I think she'd probably struggle with infertility due to how mistreated she was and neglected growing up, as well as the extreme manual labor she was forced to enact and how much of a toll that took on her body. Just like the dress enacted a plot device for Cinderella to connect with her mother, thinking of the type of parent she'd be during a pregnancy would probably recall so much of her own parents to her. It would also remind her of what not to do and of so many scars that her stepfamily inflicted. All of the things she had to repress to continue living with those monsters would then be brought back up to the surface. I think it'd also create engaging conversation with how the Prince was brought up and his own past and see where they agree and where they might conflict in ideologies pertaining to rearing a child. I don't think Aurora would have a child, since she's so defined by being a daughter to her parents and the three fairies. I don't know about Snow White- I'm sure she'd want them, but she's a perpetual girl in the best way possible to me. And, honestly, I think Ariel needs more time to discover who she is now that she isn't under Triton's repressive grasp so her having a kid would not be good lol of the princesses I don't care about as much, I don't know who I'd want to have a kid because a lot of the later Disney couples feel more like brother/sister to me than romantic (like Aladdin and Jasmine, for instance). I don't like Naveen, but I think Tiana having children would be really cute and would soften her up because the writers made her so career oriented in the film. I would love to see Mulan as a single mother teach her child the values of respecting your elders while also staying true to yourself and her validating her kid would be so cute. I don't trust literally any of the other later princesses to be moms though lol

[foolstemper]

before I get into this, I want to say that I added internal dialogue like how I was feeling and stuff and also that idk if it’s a schizophrenia thing or what, but I can remember most of my dreams like I experience ptsd flashbacks or like. I can close my eyes and hear them moment by moment if they hit me hard enough. also I woke up and wrote this shit down almost immediately. so. I'm sure I got shit wrong but I can still hear their words and things happening and it’s been a solid 24 hours since I had it. but I digress... lets fuckin goooooo.

this dream started out with me working the night shift at a giant chain hardware store. a friends family - all the women I'd met - from my hometown were my coworkers. the shift was ending and they asked me to stay bc they were having a group dinner. i didn’t want to stay because i just wanted to go home but i was always scared of thelma - she wanted me to be more social so i caved. the food ended up being the best home made korean food i’d ever eaten, which I thought was funny because the only food they ever fed me when I was around them was home made Mexican food or shakeys pizza. they invited me to the old house across the street from the quad for a movie. i was stressed bc i struggle to sit still long enough to watch a movie if i can’t use my hands on something my brain likes. art or something.

suddenly everyone shot up out of their seats and told me i needed to see a show “right fucking now, get up hurry.” it was just down the street so we were all running through the whittier suburbs. blurs of purple and green and brown from the jacaranda trees. we walked into a building - glowing blue and purple and gold and green - and eddie vedder was playing a surprise secret show. it was crowded at first and then it wasn’t crowded and i managed to get as front row as you could get. my memory is glitchy - i think he was singing “alive” - but he looked down at at me and smiled and then the room was empty and so quiet and we were at an old piano together and i couldn’t smile, i just wanted to cry and ask him how he survived and how he moved on from a shitty stepdad, from not having a real dad, from bad life stuff - and eventually ed nudged me. he put his hand behind my head, right where my spine meets my skull, and my brain was like. soaking in warm ocean water. “the ocean cleanses,” he said. it was like we were in water now. i thought about hawaii. maybe that’s what the water feels like? i wasn’t cold or hurting anymore. my hands felt younger and newer. no pain. he told me, “life doesn’t have to be so hard, kid, seattle is pretty fun. make music. write lyrics. who cares if they’re bad? remember life so your life can be a better one.” i keep hearing it, even now. hours later. his big, deep voice echoing from an empty room with aluminum walls or something. that’s what he sounded like. it went into my blood stream. i wasn’t cold or hurt anymore. my veins were blue with gold specks shinning thru my skin and i thought, “your voice is crazy powerful.” he heard me and laughed. said it was the tequila and pickles. i smiled, said, “i think it’s more than that.” he was wearing a light beige hat with a black band. you know the one. he handed it to me and then it was a tambourine. he patted my hand before i took it. i thanked him, said i’d wanted one for years, and he said, “don’t forget, there’s a place for you in seattle. the water is warmer than you think, even when it snows. orca’s, y’know? don’t wait. you gotta find a life if you really want one.”

when i walked out of the building, i had a lot of feelings in my chest. i felt close to puking. i wanted to ask ed what he meant but got distracted because now i was surrounded by a fair ground with tents everywhere. it was so hot and cold at the same time. my arm felt empty and i realized i’d lost ravi. i started running around calling for her. so many people had miligold macaws - but their beaks were white or their eyes were too dark or their blue feathers weren’t the right blue or i’d look at them and they just weren’t her. a doctor pulled me into a hospital tent, it was raining, and i realized my arm was bleeding and that i had blood on my fingertips bc i’d been scratching it. she saw and said for me to wait where i was, to not move, so i knew she was going to 5150 me. i panicked because if they took me, i wouldn’t be able to find ravi. she’d be lost forever. i figured i’d just get help on my own thru therapy so i took off when no one was looking. i kept feeling like, “it would just make me worse to lose ravi, hospitals do so much damage anyway. and ravi doesn’t deserve to die bc they won’t wait a god damn minute.”

it felt like an hour before i saw someone holding ravi. i was sobbing. people were looking at me like an insane person. i just felt like losing her would take whatever living reason i had to keep trying away. i knew it was her this time, tho, so i called up to them and thought, “oh great, dracula found her.” this tall lanky guy in all black… black straight legged pants, black shoes, black socks, black shirt, black thick knitted cardigan - all different shades of black - walked down some scary steep stairs and handed her to me and i kissed her and held onto her and held back more tears before realizing dracula was actually chris cornell. he looked so gentle and fragile. almost worried. said “sorry” and i said “thank you, you found her.” he was kind of hunched over but he was smiling now. he looked back up at the people behind him - all of them had orange skin and blue suits on drinking something thick and neon green and yellow out of martini glasses. he asked if he could come with me. i said, “yeah, sure, it’s far, tho.”

all of a sudden we were on a bike. i was peddling and he was standing on the back pegs. he had his hand on my shoulder while carrying ravi so i could focus on steering and was humming “show me how to live.” I look back and laugh bc I swear, at one point I'd wanted to ask him how to live. i felt so calm bc everyone was looking at chris cornell and ravi, and his hand on my shoulder was nice, too. my heart would do the adrenaline thing when i’d hit a bump or wire on the ground and he’d squeeze my shoulder, sometimes he’d pat it. say, “you’re all good, man.” he was so warm. like one of those warm people that seem to take all the bad out of you and keep it locked away inside themselves so it doesn’t find their way back. my gramma was like that. i laughed and thought like, “i’m so glad he exists. ed, too. gramma would’a liked them.”

we made it to my moms car. my aunt was there and got out of the car crying, frantic, cussing. my mom got out and said she was so worried. thought i’d killed myself. how could i do that to her? chris got off the bike and idk why but he put his hand out for me to take as if he were a princess walking down some stairs. my mom said, “oh, holy shit.” i introduced them and chris said, “your kid is just a funny little guy. i knew a funny little guy once. the skies nice, huh? you can see everything down here. no rain.” and then i woke up.

[inslo]

I’ve kind of had a realization over the last month or so.  …and it doesn’t necessarily make me feel great.  That realization is…I give up on relationships to easy and despite loving to talk things out I feel like I get into headspace where I lock out my partner. Sorry this is going to be long, but let me explain.

I feel like my first fiancé was an anomaly…with all the verbal abuse I put up with, so I won’t discuss this one.  My second fiancé, Angie, was very easy to love…(mind you it took me 10-years to figure it out)…she was very attractive to me, came from a wonderful family and had a big heart and an amazing personality.  Sure Angie came with some things I didn’t exactly like, but they became minor to the advantages in the prior sentence.  Then there was Bhoomika, who was very very easy to love, incredibly smart, good personality, big heart, wonderful family and I was always learning something from her.  Like Angie, she supported me when I leaned on her in bad times.  (However, with her, our differences were where we wanted to live…1000 miles apart, which ended the relationship.)  Trust me in saying that Bhoomika and Angie were my two best relationships I ever had.

That being said, there was Jenny who I really liked (buy my dad never really liked) but at the time I broke up with her, I made a decision for both of us without consulting her, and that was that I didn’t think that I could support her two kids and have two of my own.  I am aware of what she is up to through friends today and occasionally every year or so I run in to her and maybe chat for 30-minutes or so.  Part of the reason I had made this decision to break up with her was because she was unable to hold down a job longer than a few months. Every time I talk to her she has a completely different job.  Most of the time I spent in a relationship with her (2 years) she was job searching and interviewing.  Another part of my reasoning for making the decision for us was that I felt it was inappropriate to ask her to give up her kids.  She was really struggling at the time, living at her parents house with her two kids.  I wish I would have had an honest conversation with her instead of just cutting it off.  (She’s been with the same guy now for 16 years and they’ll never marry.)  Though this was more than 16-years ago, I think about her a lot

With ‘Madeline’, I again cut it off.  I wish I hadn’t and instead had a conversation.  She had a big heart, was sweet, attractive, and cooked good food. However, I had felt she needed to work on herself and deal with some PTSD she still had from her time in the army. I was also struggling with two other things with her, she would have to give up one of her two dogs if we ever moved in together.  This is because she had one 130lb Anatolian Shepard that was very aggressive.  I would never trust it alone with my 27lb dog, not even with any amount of training.  Secondly, she was kind of a hoarder, but not really…I think she didn’t know how to organize anything.  Her living room had no furniture but did contain piles of stuff which she was embarrassed about. I felt overwhelmed trying to figure out how I could help her with this…because I am a super organized, super clean guy. …What I’ve since learned about dealing with ex-military PTSD people is that I need to give them patience, time  and forgiveness.  Sadly, none of which I gave her.  I think about her a lot and miss her.

Right now I’ve been dating (but not been in a relationship with) someone since last November.  I’m dragging my feet on this one for many reasons. First of all, I’m not attracted to her, but I’m hoping that anything physical that may come of it would come from a strong friendship/relationship.  She does have a big heart, but sometimes I feel like she’s more like a “yes man” and I’ll be honest, there are times when I feel like a need a good slap-in-the-face (i.e. reality check).  She does not know how to cook very well, though most of the stuff she has made has been good.  In my head, if I ever got married, I would want my spouse to do most of the cooking.  I am willing to contribute and willing to help even going as far as cooking 40% of the time.  I’ve grown to like her company a lot, but I’m still struggling with the attractiveness.  She is on prescription weightloss medication (because of her diabetes), which makes her go “#2” about fifteen times a day every day.  I can’t make up my mind how to bring up these issues with her, or even if I should.  

[carcharsaur]

finally finished something else to put in my got damn tag, let’s go gamers

norn9: var commons an interesting game, charming and understandably a classic from the vita era, but over-ambitious and kind of unfocused and bloated, with a few rough spots

without spoilers, I legit think my perception of this game got really skewed at the beginning based on the play order I did... I would not recommend kakeru first HAHA

I think best off for overall plot elements would be something like: Senri -> Heishi -> Sakuya or Itsuki -> Masamune -> Kakeru -> Akito -> Ron -> Natsuhiko -> epilogue but the only one that is super super required is natsuhiko last, I think. I definitely think them putting kakeru on “recommended” was a MISTAKEEE it left me so dazed about stuff playing it first

part of the game’s problems is just that right there... too many damn routes! a lot of them had endings that felt really unfinished, and there’s a fandisc being localized later this year for the first time but! ideally a game should stand on it’s own merits rather than needing a sequel to feel properly resolved v_v that said, I am rather excited for the FD regardless because I’m invested now lol

on a positive note, I loved all 3 heroines! they’re all characterized distinctly and thoroughly, helped by them all being voiced which I love love love to see in this genre. it helps their characterization a ton, and makes me so much more attached to them. they interact frequently, and have each other’s backs in the stressful situations they find themselves in, rather than squabble over things which was really good. I struggle to pick a favorite from the 3, they all have different charms points and mild frustrations for me. mikoto got the most tears from me overall, I adored koharu and her well-executed (imo) neurodivergent vibes, and I could relate too well to nanami’s emotional wall she builds around herself and her, well, PTSD? T_T haah

my fav pairings for each were: Koharu and Senri, Nanami and Heishi, then Mikoto and Natsuhiko!

-getting into spoilers now-

I also really loved this game’s setting/world lore! it was really interesting, but at the same time it almost feels like the premise of all this would’ve been better served with something that’s not a romance game. it feels like the background and over-arching issues should have had more time and development rather than being brushed over in the course of 10mins in most routes... I know it’s heretical to say for otome games but that’s how it had me feeling. by the time you get to the epilogue it makes thematic sense that the love is an important part but it really, really, does not set that up and build on it well before then so I was left kind of wishy-washy on the game in the middle. I dislike comparing games like this; but the scenario director’s later work, Even If Tempest, handled the romance being integral to the overarching plot much better. though that also was a linear single-perspective story rather than 3 POVS with 3 routes each. orz

getting into more critical things now, the age stuff was a little weird and I just. ignored it most of the time but if that’s something that’s uncomfortable for you (16-17 yr old MCs getting with 20+ yr old guys =_=;) then yeah I strongly do not recommend. they don’t mention it too much but when they do it’s just. man was this necessary. man why did you make nanami 16 when she acts more maturely than the other 2 girls... though that might be the PTSD more than anything AGH. speaking of, I disliked that all of nanami’s routes either have the potential to, or just do straight-up mistreat her... not much to be said about it other than it sucks! it’s not unrealistic but well, forgive me for wanting my romance games to be a bit more idealistic unless they’re going for full tragedy/thriller/etc.

also I think 2 of the routes could’ve been straight-up dropped and had almost no impact on the overall game. ron’s just had... virtually no insight into him other than how awful he is which is like. a matter of taste I guess but god it was more boring than it was shocking or appalling. mundane in his slimy-ness? just magically fix your horrible mans by erasing all the memories that make him who he is. and when he wakes up, he’s somehow the same dude but without all the sadism? wateverrr -_-

and then masamune, I really really like him as a side/support character, and in a bubble I like his character too, and I LOOOOVE his voice actor but man. his dynamic with koharu was uncomfortable. not outright bad but just not a good vibe even if she was never uncomfortable with him it doesn’t sit right. and despite being one of the more ‘important’ characters to the overarching story his route had very little about that stuff in it.. ended up feeling pretty lacking. extremely ironic considering his whole power is being able to see the past of people (and objects?) he touches with his right hand (WHICH ONLY GETS USED ONCE?????). I ended up liking his bad end MORE than his normal end because it focused more on koharu’s relationship with mikoto in a way I liked, even though it was still a tragic circumstance.

they’re just good friends : )

my other least favorite route, which I admit at least has important plot and character and background information, is sakuya’s. I was enjoying it somewhat until he straight up ASSAULTS mikoto in a way that was too visceral and realistic for me, immediately made me want to dumpster him and the lack of real consequence or even anger from the MC in response made him irredeemable to me and I was sick of him by the end. even as a side character he chafed me rather than his overprotective comments being funny or... anything else. common yandere L

on the other hand, I think my fav character overall is heishi. his bad end is a little... huhhh... but I try not to judge too hard on those because most feel like insane non-sequitur anyway.. it felt ooc for him even with his emotional instability. I did enjoy that it was longer than basically every other bad end, though. most are throwaways but his felt like there was some real effort behind it, at least in regards to the decisions nanami brings herself to

but anyway, I could understand people not loving his route or being frustrated with the route it takes with his genki-seeming character. but I find his struggle to control and suppress his negative emotions out of legitimate concern for those around him relatable and compelling! regardless though, when he’s a supporting character he’s MVP for me, no doubt. I didn’t expect him to grow on me so much!

alright after all that I think I’ve run out of steam and thoughts for now...

other than, the epilogue being about robot love was cute! love giving even robots the power to make their way through life: really cute! but the shit about rebirth and exact dna.... man nah. good and bad I guess. I had a mostly good time though

masamune go bald in 5 years

undefined

[h4lcyonism]

SO I am most of the way through volume 4 (I believe I’ve seen 9 episodes) and I have *thoughts.*

This may be my favorite volume so far it’s not perfect or anything but I think splitting the main 4 up was a good choice for character development. I also think the writers are getting more used to writing each main girl so their personalities are getting more consistent which is cool.

Weiss and Yang’s arcs are probably my favorites I thought Ruby and Yang’s dad was going to be boring after volume 3 but his relationship with Yang is so sweet and I like that the show is actually showing Yang’s trauma from…you know. I’m not sure they spent quite as much time on it as I would have liked but it’s still great. Weiss’s arc was pretty expected, it didn’t surprise me at all, but it’s super satisfying (like any character who you know is gonna get redeemed when they finally do) and I love watching her grow although I would very much like to punch her dad.

Blake’s arc is interesting…I like her dynamic with Sun when she’s not slapping him (plus he’s hilarious.) Who the heck is Ilya though? (Did I spell that right?) I’m intrigued and Blake’s parents deserve everything. I like this arc my one problem is that I feel like at the moment Blake’s only real character trait is running away and I think she could be fleshed out a *little* more.

OH THAT ONE SCENE WITH JAUNE AND PYRRHA’S VIDEO MADE ME CRY I miss Pyrrha so much she was my favorite character and then she DIED!

I like the setup of Ruby’s arc my main problem with it is that Ruby as a character isn’t my favorite. She’s certainly likeable but I feel like her main trait is “protagonist.” The rest of the group is great though, although I would have liked more time dealing with Jaune’s grief (really I just wish this volume were longer because it’s doing so much good stuff!)

I realized that I’m complaining a lot but I really love this volume.

Qrow may be my new favorite character…I just learned about his semblance and ouch that’s sad (kind of reminds me of Eda.) He has SUCH a specific vibe and I can’t describe it but I love it so much also his relationship with Ruby is everything.

BUT NOW HE MIGHT DIE I’M SCARED HE’S GOING TO DIE AND THEN TWO OF MY FAVORITE CHARACTERS WILL BE DEAD AND THAT WOULD SUCK!!!!!!!!!

Okay that’s it those are nine episodes worth of pent up thoughts I’m sorry for making you read all of that!

i’m glad you like volume 4 so far!!

i’m usually not a fan of splitting characters up but the show did this volume really well in that case and in a lot of ways it was necessary for the girls’s growth as individuals. they’ve had three volumes to build up the characters, so volume 4 is definitely when you start to see them get fleshed out.

i’m really glad they took volume 4 to really showcase yang’s struggles with adjusting to only having one arm and dealing with ptsd, and weiss’s arc is predictable but enjoyable to see nonetheless. and the jacques hatred will only grow the more of the show you watch, so that doesn’t change.

ilia amitola is the light of my life and one of my absolute favorite characters in the show. i don’t wanna spoil anything about her, but you’ll love her. and volume 5 fleshes blake’s character out more than volume 4 does imo, so that does get better.

same with ruby, in the later volumes you definitely start to see more of ruby’s struggles and her more pessimistic and hopeless side, so to speak. and again, without spoiling anything… i think we’re gonna come back to jaune’s grief in this year’s upcoming volume, but i’ll wait to discuss that until you’re all caught up lol.

qrow and eda have A LOT in common and his relationship with ruby is a lot like eda’s with luz, that’s all i’ll say on that right now……….

the show does really only go up from here and volume 4/5 are put together like continuous volumes, so a lot of the build-up and character development runs into volume 5 too, and personally, volume 5 has a lot of my favorite moments, so there’s a lot to look forward to!!

(also i feel like i hammer in “soon!!!!” with a lot of stuff, but i promise that it all actually DOES happen. 😭 the next four volumes are way more packed than the four you’ve already seen.)

[luxshine]

Oh, so the long haired jerk is named Billy.

Unlike Steve, whose first act of absolute jerkassery was normal teenage bully stuff, this guy goes all the Henry Bower way to attempted murder so I am going to assume his death will be good and karmic.

I still don't like that we're retreating El's arc so far, only changing Will for Jim, nor that we're obviously showing how much Jim loves Joyce when we're also seeing Bob is an amazing good guy. He is like, Joyce's lottery ticket and I am just in episode 2 and sad that I know he will die. But otoh, I am very glad that I know he dies because if it got me by surprise, I'd be devastated.

Interesting how the only one of the recurring characters who is not showing some form of PTSD is Johnatan. I mean, even STEVE is showing effects of having been changed by his experiences, but Jonathan seems to be... in the same spot. Only that now Nancy sometimes pesters him to be more sociable.

I have no idea what Nancy is wearing as a costume. She should've totally gone as Nancy Thompson. I also have no idea what is Steve supposed to be, but seeing him NOT CARE that his position as Keg King was taken over, and then worry about Nancy drinking spiked punch? SWEET as hell. I am still not 100% on Steve's team, but I can see why he became the fandom darling in Season 2 and he is still not wearing the silly ships ahoy uniforms. Also, ouch for the way he got dumped. I mean, I know I wouldn't have believe I'd say this when I was in season 1 episode, say, 5, but POOR Steve. He DOES love Nancy and she just... doesn't. And wow, Jonathan making his move right then? Not nice -even if I am GLAD Nancy had a friend to take her home giving how drunk she was.

I'm liking Max. Not so much as love interest for Lucas and Dustin because I hate love interests in small friend groups, but she is a great "Not like other girls" type of character for the eighties. I usually hate those characters, but given the nostalgic vibe, I'll take it. She also reminds me a lot of Beverly Marsh but I SAID I was going to try and NOT judge Stranger Things for its obvious cribbing of King so... I'll shut up.

Seeing Hopper struggle as a single dad is a lot more fun than seeing him struggle as a romantic interest for Joyce, I'll say that.

I still hate Mike. He's the worst of the whole gang.

And ... uhm.. yeah, Will's gay coding is WAY strong. I know the actor and writers have discussed this regarding season 4, but man, episode 1 and 2 make him totally the gay kid of the group, especially when you compare his interactions with Max and the others interactions with Max.

(And how, when he sees the vision, he calls for MIKE. Not his brother, or his mom, but Mike. Sure, Mike is an idiot, but Will doesn't see that)

Dustin is still my fave.

[cheguevaraismydaddy666]

seeing my old friend group that abandoned me when i became addicted use the same drugs now just.....idek anymore.....like, i was a dirty junkie, but NOW it's cool if they do it? WHY????? the same people that shamed me and distanced themselves from me when i was using, post stuff glorifying doing lines etc now. when i do it, i'm too much, weird.......but when they do it, it's just fun! they're just partying! it actually makes me sick. i used to end up in the hospital from using all the time. i could very well be dead right now. and they all knew. and nobody cared. nobody even asked if i was fine. also, nobody texted me when they knew i was in rehab. not even when my fucking girlfriend died. nothing. addiction, everything that comes with it like sex work, death, homelessness etc is gross and weird and worth leaving someone over, someone you considered a 'friend' during the hardest and most traumatizing part of their life, but they can use hard drugs! haha, christiane f uwu....(*gag*) my friend, one of the only people that i consider my friend, used to call my other friend and me junks. was disgusted by how broken our life and bodies and minds were because of drugs. now she does the same drugs. posts about it. NOW it's fine? didn't even tried to reach me when i was battling drug induced psychosis. was homeless. had no one but my mom and my 'junk' friend. fuck this shit. like that heartbreaking tik tok sound that goes like "why is being japanese special on her and bad on me?WHY?" ...yeah idk, that's how i feel lol. it hurts. why am i always worse than everyone else....i struggled to survive and everybody left. i was closer to death than to life. i now suffer from ptsd from my sex work, and when they do it it's cool. i honestly can't believe it. well, i can. my ex tried to force himself on me (in my underwear). i told our friend group. nobody really cared that much. told me to talk to him about it. done. few months later he does the exact same thing to someone else from our friend group. the exact same thing. suddenly he was kicked out. called an abuser. well, he sucks so i'm glad he got what he deserved, but WHY TF wasn't it abuse when he did it to me? why did everyone stay friends with him when it happened to me? WHY? my 'friends' didn't care if i was abused. if i was traumatized. if i was DYING. just seeing it confirmed that it's really just.....me. i am the reason they didn't care about things that would've mattered the WORLD if it happened to ANYBODY else. ouch. seriously ouch. i wanna die. i wanna kill myself. i wanna kill THEM. i wanna make them pay for seeing me as worthless. entirely worthless. god, my old school shooter fantasy goes BRRRRRR. i wish i was dead. i can't even talk to anyone about this. i have no one backing me up anymore. well, i guess 'anymore' is the wrong word here. they never fucking did. good thing i'm starving, otherwise i'd have to completly butcher my entire body. the pain of knowing that i am never good enough. not even good enough to not get abused. i don't know why i'm surprised.... i was HOMELESS and nobody took me in. nobody even asked if i was fine. but i saw THEIR big, happy sleepovers on their stories. ouch. big fucking ouch. oh god kill me. please i wanna leave my existence behind. it's too pathetic and humiliating....i can't take it anymore. god, i'm so lonely. and hurt. and rejected. i feel like my heart is gonna burst, in a bad way. 2023 there's gonna be assisted suicide in canada for patients suffering from bpd. honestly i'm gonna go for that lol. i'm serious. and if i have to live there for months or years before i can do that. idk, maybe you need to be a canadian citizen. i'll do whatever i have to do. my anti depressants,which i was originally wanted to kill myself with,apparently make you hallucinate,panic when you overdose on them. also pain. and it just MIGHT work. so fuck this shit. fuck it. heroin+benzos. just a lot. make me pass out, then stop breathing. that's similar to how my gf died. well, then i can finally be with her again. i can't stand being alive any longer.

[thatsarcasticlillithgirl]

Buckle up, Babes, we're taking a little trip almost three years back and about 1700 miles north east. This is a story of mental health being handled poorly by police. and an emergency room. I am not the 'main character' but I have permission (to say the least) to tell this little tale. This story takes place in a fairly little Connecticut town, Willimantic, Summer of 2019. If things feel a little choppy or undetailed, this was 3 years ago, a very very bad day, and I'm trying to tell two sides of a story when I was only privy to mine in some cases.

What you, dear reader, needs to know from the outset of this story is my best friend, henceforth: Dean, is a US Army Vet with non-combat related PTSD.

 She was, at this time, haphazardly medicated and still struggling more than not, and then there was an issue where she ended up without meds. I believe there were a few days that were shaky, and then the day our story really kicks off. Now at this time I was living with her and her husband, her husband was at work. I don't remember how the day started, but it was pretty quickly obvious she was not doing well at all. She was intent on trying to harm herself and intent on breaking everything. (We were finding glass under stuff a year later) And while this wasn't really confirmed it is a shared belief between her and I that she was in a state of psychosis, She just didn't look like anyone was...home, most the time and when she did come back to herself temporarily she was scared. If I'm nothing else I am loyal to a fault and time and time again I was getting in her space, trying to physically stop her from hurting herself and ending up not really being hit so much as shoved/thrown away. I don't really know how long this went on because 5 minutes felt like 2 hours, but over the course of the day she cut herself, possibly multiple times, burned herself with a torch, and attempted to get hit by a car. ((A HUGE FUCK YOU to the douchebag who could clearly see this was a not great situation and was driving along slowly antagonizing her while I was yelling at them to just fucking drive. Mostly for their own fucking safety, too. )) Not only did I want to avoid calling 911 if possible, It wasn't like I'd had much opportunity, but at one point I somehow came under the impression she'd taken a lot of some pill or other and when I'd ask she wasn't giving me a yes or a no, So using what at that time I thought was my best judgement I called 911, told them the situation, probably did mention her being aggressive but I can't remember. EMS showed, Police showed. 

Originally one police officer took me somewhat around the house, she was in back, to talk to me. I don't remember the conversation but it didn't get all that far before THREE more cops joined us there. Now seven cops had showed up, I now had four on me, and three on her, which, logic...but anyway, one of them asks me: "Did she hit you?" and I kinda had the presence of mind right then to realize despite this being a welfare call atleast one person was leaving in handcuffs and also if I said yes she hit me, They were likely to try and stick her with an Ass/Batt charge, and also cursing her in my mind for not shutting the fuck up to the police (She was in no headspace to be held accountable for anything she said honestly) and at this same time all four of these cops had moved way too far in to my bubble for comfort. I answered them with "We were fighting", while Stepping. Backwards.(Because I got my own issues with men and they were crowding me) 

I only emphasize that because the cop told me I tried to run. Never even acted like I was turning my back, and the cop grabbed me to cuff me. Now, In my head, I was silent trying to process how things had fucked this far off the path they should have been on. Apparently that was not the case. Dean would end up telling me later on I had gotten loud and she tried to take off from the cops to see what was going on and asking them if they were arresting me. Because even then with everything that happened, was happening, and would happen, I was still her little sister. Anyway, They ended up throwing her to the ground to cuff her. I remember none of the short cop car ride but I remember where my head was. I was distraught, saying to myself, or maybe out loud...fuck I really could have been screaming at this point, that she was going to hate me and never forgive me. Once at the PD I was taken to a holding cell. At the time I had in earrings, but they were the piercing studs that in least some of the holes went in when they were pierced and had not come out.

My hands were shaking, I'm sobbing, and this one cop was yelling at me to get them taken out , and eventually threatened to hold me on bail if I did not cooperate. I was trying to make it clear that not only were the backs tight, It was painful, and I was trying. He had the audacity to tell me "It's not that hard" and eventually I did get them out, cried in a cell for like thirty minutes, then they took me to book me. I almost got myself in to more trouble because at first nobody would tell me shit about my best friends well-being, you know, the whole fuckin reason all this was going on. Finally I think one of the cops realized it might be easier to just tell me "Yeah, we got her to the hospital, where she needs to be." YEAH. NO FUCKING SHIT. ITS ALMOST LIKE THAT"S WHY WE'RE IN THIS ROOM TOGETHER NOW, ASSHOLES. I was charged with disturbing the peace or whatever the fighting charge is, released on a promise to appear for court the next day, and a no-contact order. Which I did bring a good point up, small detail, to the cops uh...I FUCKING LIVED IN HER HOUSE. And the only other person in the state. Or New England. Or 1700 miles, That I really knew was her husband.They basically told me ...tough.((This is also as good a time as any to mention they also did not read me rights when arresting me)) So I left the police station and I do not know that I ever made a conscious decision to go, but autopiloted one block over to my therapists office.

 I can only imagine by about this point I had to look a whole fuckin mess, Bruises from getting tossed around starting to show, bruises on my wrists from the handcuffs, sobbing, Ink on my transferring from my fingers after they took my prints and trying to wipe my face. I do not know what I told the ladies at the front desk other than I had just been let go from the police station, and by some miracle my therapist was there and had available time to talk to me, which probably kept me from doing anything stupid. ((I have BPD, She was and is my favorite person, and I was dead convinced at this point she would never want to see me again)) and my therapist helped set me up with a ride to court and we came to the conclusion that there was no way the hospital let her go, so I should go home. I don't know if I got a ride or walked by myself, but unsurprisingly the hospital in this town was also inept at best, and sent her home. (I'd later learn they had seen her clawing into the cuts on her inner arm, and still did so) And well in an effort to not make an even long story longer, I spent the night in their garage in her 67 Impala, we went to court...I went back to her house because I had literally nowhere else I could go. She had moments of calm and clarity, a lot more moments of not.

It would be on night 4 since all this had started her husband ended up taking her 1.5 hours away to the VA hospital, She was hospitalized for two weeks, and I am so proud of her because with help from the VA and especially her assigned peer support she has been more or less on a good med regiment and more or less stable. We both ended up paying fines. And on my suggestion we did the only logical reasonable thing to follow all of that shit. Matching handcuff tattoos on our middle fingers, Pictured above.

(To be clear, Those in the wrong in this story were the Willimantic Police Department who lacked mental health training and arrested a veteran suffering psychosis and the person trying to help her, and Windham Hospital whose psych ER is a damn joke. Not my friend)

[blurrycow]

Hargreeves analysis (5/7: my lucky number!)

Tagging the gang: @jbd302020, @conchshell, @stupidcanofpeaches, @assaily, @kdangerfblog (I know you wanted to be added to my tag list- this isn’t the fic but here)

Five Hargreeves

My playlist with the songs I think go with him and his vibe are on my Spotify! It’s called Sunbow (my at home account) and _Sunbow (my school account.) Both post playlists and update them consistently. They are also basically the same.

SORRY FOR THE SELF ADVERTISING! On with the analysis.

Ah, my favorite number. My lucky number. Too bad my lucky number has been through some… stuff. Very unlucky number.

Hoooooo boy. Five. What to do with you, man. Five is definitely the absolutely most traumatized, most overlooked one of the siblings (Vanya is a close second, Klaus lagging in third).

Boy, I knew about five before I even watched TUA. My friend, @chickadee634, writes fanfic for him, so she showed me some of that and that’s really what got me into it. I have great memories of sitting with my friends, watching a small fifteen year old murder grown men.

By now, you’re getting tired of my mindless rambling, so let’s just go.

Nobody ever takes him seriously. We clearly see this in season two when his pleas to help save the world are collectively ignored by his “loving” family members. Honestly it makes me very sad to see, because he tries so hard, and his siblings can’t see the fact that if they don’t get their shit together, there will be no social life to get to.

Five can easily be summarized by this line [about Nico DiAngelo] by Rick Riordan, from the excellent book The Tower of Nero:

“He looked like a person who had been hit not once, not twice, but so many times over the course of many years that [he] had lost sense of what it was to feel not in pain.”

(Apologies if it’s incorrect! I am going from memory here.)

Five has… not had any relax time in more than forty five years. In the long, lonely apocalypse, his only companion was a mannequin that is consistently ridiculed in the series by his siblings. Eventually he has to give her up, and then when he finally gets her back, he has to give her away again. He gets a shrapnel wound to the gut. He gets a concussion Flynn Rider style and falls in a pile of bricks. He’s rewound time more than once on no sleep. He has a bullet wound.

Basically, what I’m saying is, Five is a fucking champ.

He has been through so much shit- isolation, manipulation, being ignored, dna changes, the trauma of killing people, leaving behind the love of his life, finding the love of his life again and then being forced to leave her again, ptsd, malnutrition, growth stunting, anxiety, depression, torture, so much more, and GOD, I want to give this boy a hug. He’s been through so much and his family members (although I love them, they’re kind of ignorant bitches to Five) don’t see the fact that he’s struggling until he’s literally passing out.

Let’s talk about Five’s relationships with his siblings.

Five loves his family. They are his one motivator. He can’t admit it because he doesn’t want to tell them how much he’s been through for them, because he sees it as a weakness. It kind of is! Anyone could make him do anything for them.

Time in the commission:

Five spent YEARS- YEARS- in a place that objectified him for his powers (“you’re a legend!” etc). He spent SO LONG in a toxic place that sent him to kill millions of innocents, a place that ALTERED HIS FUCKING DNA to make him feel LESS GUILTY ABOUT BEING A MURDERER.

anyway poor guy can’t catch a break

And he’s still so impacted by Reginald! (I.e., the scene where he’s in the closet and Reginald is outside of it and Reggie steps forward and Five steps back, which is a symbol of defeat and submission in most animals, signifying that his father still has a great impact on his choices, and still intimidates him.) His father is his greatest abuser (actually, he has a lot of abusers- the Handler, AJ, + his father).

Five has been spiraling through space and time for so long that now he doesn’t know what’s the past, present, or future, and before he can even get adjusted to space lag, he’s thrown into an apocalypse, which is quickly headed up by another apocalypse. He’s confused, and he needs a break. Plus, I think the only thing he’s eaten since he got back from his 45 years was a fluffernutter sandwich.

Conclusion: Five Hargreeves has been through A LOT OF SHIT (fault of Gerard Way) and needs a fucking break. Petition to let this lil guy take a nap in s3!

Alright, only two left! Let’s see how we can pick apart Ben Hargreeves next.

[ashesandhackles]

Harry And Personal Conflict: A Meta On Evolving Dynamic With Ron and Hermione

One of my last metas on Harry was how his abuse at the Dursleys informed who he is as a person and a lot of his main personality traits. This time, I want to explore Harry's relationship with conflict, mostly in regard to his best friends - Ron and Hermione.

First things first, because of his abusive upbringing where he is constantly in conflict with his caregivers, conflict is seen as Bad Thing when we first meet him as a 11 year old. And it informs how he reacts to both Ron and Hermione at first. He instantly relates to Ron because Ron is an underdog - a boy who feels neglected and passed over in his large and boisterous family. Harry shares his own experience of neglect with Ron and they both bond instantly.

His initial impression of Hermione is that she has a "bossy sort of voice" . The bossiness is an important characterstic to his impression of her - she reminds him of an authority figure and he does not particularly take to her as easily as he does Ron. Before the troll incident, he is frequently annoyed by her interventions because "he can't believe anyone would be so interfering". It's her vulnerability and the fact that she may be in danger that makes Harry, and by extension Ron, go after her. And she pays it back in full with a demonstration of loyalty to them in front of people she wants to impress: teachers. This sets the tone of his friendship with Ron and Hermione.

There is sense of easiness to his friendship with Ron, especially in earlier books that he doesn't quite share with Hermione. This is a bit gendered as well, of course. His relationship with Hermione evolves as Ron's own equation with two of them changes, more specifically Ron's cognisance of his romantic feelings for Hermione. So how does this inform his relationship with personal conflict?

Let's look at it Book wise.

Book 1-4: Since Harry tends to see All Conflict As Bad, when Hermione becomes his friend, he tends to ignore traits of her that he particularly doesn't take to. Specifically her argumentativeness - which he usually leaves Ron to deal with. For example, look at when Hermione drags him off to the kitchens in GOF. When he realises what this is about, he nudges Ron, and Ron does the protesting: "Hermione, you are trying to rope us into that spew stuff again!".

Often, you can say he is amused by Ron's more ..let's say colourful.. reactions to Hermione being overbearing. So when Ron and him are not speaking and Hermione gets a Quidditch term wrong, it causes him "a pang to imagine Ron's expression of he could have heard Hermione talking about Wonky Faints". It's that deeply ingrained into the dynamic.

While Ron acts buffer and protects Harry from stepping into a potential conflict ("skip the lecture", "don't nag" he tells her), Harry's world view remains quite the same. Part of Harry's growing up is integrating conflicting points of view and gaining nuance. For example, he can't understand why someone like Snape, who seems to hate him so much, can also save his life at the end of Philosopher's Stone. This is his first venture into trying to integrate two conflicting things about a person into nuance. Dumbledore gives him a very easily digestible story, one that appeals to his ideal of his father and Harry is sated.

Again, Harry's world view is tested when he finds out that he relates with Tom Riddle - for their "strange likenesses". He doth protest too much at Dumbledore's office: "I don't think I am like him! I am Gryffindor!". And Dumbledore offers him a wisdom nugget: "It's our choices which define who we are" (paraphrasing). Harry is uncomfortable that he empathises with Tom Riddle, his parents' murderer, at this point in the story.

In the first four books, his only proper personal conflict has been with Ron.

It is depressing to think about in these terms - but Ron is Harry's first experience of unconditional love (we can even put Hagrid here, but he is not the one who spends most time with Harry). And when Ron and him fight, Harry is so hurt by the prospect that he proceeds to abandon Ron before Ron abandons him. (the whole chucking a "Potter stinks" badge at him and making a jab about having a scar is what he wants, or the fight in DH where he yells "then leave! Pretend you have gotten over your spattergoit and have your mummy feed you up"). It's an interesting defense mechanism and he feels "corrosive hatred" towards Ron during these times because Ron and him aren't supposed to be like this. Ron is a certainty in his life. It's also why when Ron comes back, Harry either doesn't need him to apologise (as in GOF) or quickly forgives him in DH - although I do think Harry thinks the locket bit was punishment enough. But even without the whole locket, I think Harry has trouble holding Ron accountable in general beyond few slaps on the wrist - especially if Ron and he are on good terms.

5th Book: This is the transition point for Golden Trio friendship. Harry has come back from an immensely traumatising night at the graveyard and his PTSD isolates him from his best friends. This is also the point where Ron, especially after GOF, is aware of his romantic feelings for Hermione ("the perfume is unusual Ron", Hermione tells him in this book). So in this book, we often see Ron and Hermione on one side, with Harry on the other.

Ron is unwilling (quite like Harry in that respect) to engage him in a direct conflict, but he is also unwilling to shield him from Hermione's nagging in this book. This is why, OOTP is the book where you see Harry ignore or avoid Hermione and lie to her more than usual to avoid conflict. For example, he tells her that Snape thinks he can carry on Occlumency once he got the basics - that is categorically not what happened. Or the entire day he spends ignoring Hermione's warnings about breaking into Umbridge's office. (The description here is comical - about Hermione vehemently hissing so much that Seamus Finnigan is checking his cauldron for leaks. ) If he cannot lie to her or avoid her, at the end of the rope, he will treat her to display of his frightening temper.

Interestingly, OOTP is also the book that his world view goes through a tremendous upheaval: mainly, his ideal of his father and having empathy for Snape. It is unnerving for Harry to see Snape being the "boy who cried in the corner" when his father shouts at a cowering woman. Similarly unnerving is that his intense empathy for him - "he knew exactly what Snape felt when his father taunted him and judging by what he had seen, his father was every bit as arrogant as Snape always told him".

While he is placated that his father grew out of it, this memory of his father being a bully is something he cannot bear to watch again in DH. Few chapters later, he grins at Ron "sweeping his hair" back to make it look more windswept, just like his father - suggesting that Harry is beginning to integrate two conflicting things he knew about his father: from the people who loved him vs the people he was cruel to.

6th Book onwards: It's interesting to me that his better appreciation for Hermione comes after OOTP (one, because she is the one who challenged the whole Ministry plan and she followed him into a trap knowing it was one anyway) but also the timing of it is in line with Harry having a more nuanced understanding of his father. He struggled to hold conflicting information about him into one cohesive person - the boy who was a bully vs the man who joins Order of Phoenix to fight a war he could very well have sat out. The pedestal crashing helped Harry gain nuance (he thinks of his father and mother with pride in HBP - of them walking into an arena with head held high). HBP also sets up his deeper understanding with Snape in DH. There is lovely meta by about this by thedreamersmusing. Read it here. HBP is also the book he feels "sorry" for Voldemort and also feels "reluctant admiration" for him - both of things he is less defensive about.

And this nuance informs his relationship with conflicts - especially the kind he has with Hermione. He is more confrontational with her and does not lie or sneak around her as much as he did in OOTP in the Half Blood Prince. ("Finished? Or do you want to see if it does back flips?" He asks her when she takes the book from him to check if it's jinxed. Or the "I hope you enjoy yourself" he calls out irritably when she declares intention to find out who HBP is. And "do you want to rub it in Hermione? How do you think I feel now?" He tells her when she says she was right about HBP).

The fact that he is willing to be confrontational with her is a big step in his character - a step up from his unregulated outbursts in OOTP, which is a function of him not knowing how to put his anger across in normal ways. He is also more willing to stand up for her in front of Ron too - "You could say sorry" he tells Ron bluntly. This is in contrast to his more quiet standing up for her in POA: "Can't you give her a break?" Harry asked him quietly. In POA, he lets the subject drop after Ron flatly refuses. Here, he presses on more : "What did you have to imitate her for?" "She laughed at moustache!" "So did I, it's the stupidest thing I have ever seen".

His relationship with Ron is an interesting contrast to his relationship with Hermione, which functionally teaches a very important lesson for an abused child who thought all conflicts are bad: That his friendship with her is challenging, and frustrating, filled with conflicts but their love for each other isn't disputed. It's a very important thing for brain development in general - to hold conflicting information in one space. The defense mechanism abused children do to avoid this is called splitting.

So, Ron allows Harry to be the age he is: a teenager and it's foundation for his further development, and Hermione teaches him how to be an adult, and therefore, spurs his growth. (In esoteric terms, if you look at Ron and Hermione as proxy parents - Ron is the Mother archetype, the one who offers unconditional love. Hermione is the Father archetype - one who demands best of him, and guides him).

Additional reading: Harry, Prongs and Prince - Harry's Inner Struggles For Forging An Identity. By u/metametatron4

Harry Identifies, and Reluctantly Admires Snape Even Before The Prince's Tale by thedreamersmusing

[gossip-girl-of-middleearth]

Hello! I hope this doesn’t make you uncomfy but I was wondering if I could get a bit of advice? From your recent posts, you said you left your home from toxicity and just bad things in general.

I’m in a similar situation, but my dad will be taking me away from my mom. And I just know it’ll be a shit show. And I’m absolutely terrified when we tell her and what the backlash will be afterwards towards my brothers and me and dad in general

How did you do it? How did you take the leap? Do you possibly have any advice on how to deal ?

Hello, friend!! ☀️

Thank you so much for reaching out, it means a lot that you value my advice <3

Hmm, okay from what I can tell of your situation, that is indeed a tricky one, but nothing can’t be overcome!

It’s important to remember, though, I was 19 when I left (now 20), so the way I handled things is going to be a lot different than how a minor can handle things (legally at least, feel free to replicate my insane stunts lmao)

Advice below the cut! (family violence trigger warning, I suppose?)

My entire family was and is extremely volatile, and I don’t speak to any of them anymore except for my older brother, but I’ll be cutting him off in 3 weeks too when I move.

Fortunately, my dad and brother were both kicked out of the house years ago due to violence, which left me with my mother, who’s quite insidious herself (just watch any Conjuring movie and that’ll give a good idea of what it was like living in that house lol)

I get the same feeling watching this scene as when I was around her in that house. Granted she didn’t try to change my gender, but the hatred for my father getting taken out on me is pretty accurate lol, paired with the immediate “motherly love” afterwards (she never hit me though, pleased to say — she wasn’t physically violent, just emotionally, financially, mentally and verbally. She did try to run my dad over once though, so, there’s that too)

Yikes…yeahh the same eerie feeling for sure, still makes all my hairs stand upright in memory.

(For further context this clip reminds me of my father and this one of my brother)

In the clip about my father, he definitely reminds me of Frank Gallagher, except he despises my mother instead of revering her. He’s a workaholic instead of a drug addict, too. But the mannerisms are the same. I always handled him in the way Fiona does.

Regarding my brother, I think everything about our family hit him the hardest, despite being the oldest. He developed a very violent streak, and has very poor impulse control. I love him dearly but he’s a snake in the grass, and has thrown me under the bus multiple times to get ahead in life. I mostly just pity him, since I know what our life was like growing up. But still, I can’t defend him forever, especially not at the cost of myself. Literally yesterday I woke up to a text from him asking me to come pick him up because he got arrested for starting a fight at a bar and smashing their windows.

When things started getting pretty bad with my mother earlier this year, I started to realise in my heart that there was no way I could go forth in life with her in it. I focused on the future relationships I would have one day when far away from this town — romantic partner, children, friends etc

I sort of realised one day I’d care about them a lot more than I care about my mother, because those future people would care about me. That in turn got me realising that I do deserve love, despite how my mother made me feel, and that I don’t want her to deprive another second of that in my life.

Something very unique that triggered this too was going to go visit an old family psychic, who’s basically just the Gandalf to my Frodo (ily, Chris <3). He very accurately predicted my birth years ago after my mother was told she was infertile — he got the date, year and time right three years in advance, and even knew ahead of time what my personality would be like, which he was spot-on about.

Well, I went and visited him a few months ago because I was lost with my direction, and he ended up pausing and had a sudden feeling, which led to him telling me that he’d just found out I would be having twin boys one day.

Normally I don’t buy into that stuff, but this Gandalf dude…well I knew he was right.

Knowing I’d have sons of my own one day took me from a scared daughter mindset and into a maternal mother bear in an instant, and I knew I didn’t want any children of mine around my mother or the rest of my family, for their safety alone, which made me realise, “Well, if I wouldn’t allow my own children near them, why do I allow myself?”

I started grey-rocking her in the lead-up to me leaving, which of course frustrated her (she’s a malignant narcissist), but it was a necessary step to start emotionally detaching myself from her.

It all bottled over one night after a pretty distressing argument (I had locked myself in my room to avoid it, but she was still at my door carrying on).

My cat, who’s been my best friend for years, was sitting on the floor next to me, and sort of looked up and I swear he spoke with his eyes, saying, “You know we can’t keep doing this, right? You know this abuse has an expiry date?”

I agreed with my cat and knew right then and there that I’d be leaving that night after my mother fell asleep.

Well, when she was finally done (with threats that there’d be more in stock in the morning, mind you) I went to bed early and set my alarm to 3am (was a little inside joke with myself, since that’s biblically the “witching devil hour”)

I started quietly packing my quilt and cat up (I’d already been secretly packing the boot of my car up with all sentimental and important items weeks in advance, except she caught on and took all my baby albums and more to her boyfriend’s house, so I don’t have any baby photos or information on me when I was a baby anymore, like first words, size and just general things I’d have liked to compare to my own kids one day, rip)

Once that was all in my car, I quietly said goodbye to the old family dog and cat (they weren’t mine to take, not that I could’ve anyways, since it was troubling enough taking Buddy, who’s actually my pet and not the family one). That was pretty heartbreaking, as I knew that’d be the last time I’d see them (I grew up with them and was the only one who took care of them — mother neglects kids and pets alike lmao).

Once that was over, I looked around my house with my hand on the front door and was very melancholy, but knew Buddy was right: it had all reached its expiry date.

I left very quietly and drove to McDonalds for a coffee, as I had a long drive ahead (I had organised to be a nanny in this rich family’s house far away in the city — two hours drive). Luckily they were away on their country farm 4 hours away, so I had time to sneak Buddy in.

The nanny thing recently backfired horribly because they discovered Buddy, which led to more AM escapes with my car, but I’m staying with my older brother and his gf for 3 more weeks only. Something I’ve been working towards for months now is moving to a wilderness island to live in my country’s equivalent of Bag End — a beautiful country cottage, amazing job and fantastic study opportunities.

Best feature yet: it’s 60 hours away from my hometown by car, and then you’d have to take a boat for 10 more hours!! They shall never find me hahaha

One of my friends has also told me recently that my mother has started spreading horrible, defamatory rumours about me around town, but I don’t care anymore because I’m almost out.

So, although I can’t offer any practical advice (idk if you’re a minor or not, but regardless it’s great your dad is helping you!) this is the best advice I can offer:

Find a dream and hold onto it, one that doesn’t involve your immediate family. For me it’s moving to that island and enjoying all the fresh air. It’ll push you forwards and remind you of what you’re fighting for when at your lowest.

Remind yourself there will be other people in your life, whether a spouse, friends, children or even a dog! (I’m getting a golden retriever next year 🐾) And then remember that you deserve all of them and the unconditional love they offer you.

Remember that if you don’t want your mother/family screwing those people over by proxy of her/their relationship to you, then there’s no way in hell you alone should put up with it either, as I guarantee those future people only want good things for you ☀️

There is a good life after abuse, I’ve seen it, and I know you can achieve it, too!

Be prepared for tons of backlash and bullshit — it’s inescapable when dealing with people like this, but I recommend educating yourself on narcissistic parents and tactics to deal with them.

Finding a good therapist who deals in PTSD regarding childhood abuse is important, too. I found an amazing one in the town I’m moving to, who had nearly the same upbringing as me!

So while I’m still struggling with a lot of fear (scared my mother will find where I’m working and living one day) and guilt (I feel horrible about leaving the family dog and cat behind, especially when they need veterinary help, only to then go and get myself another puppy) I understand I’ve done the best I can in a very abnormal situation, and that I can only do better from here.

Also, this song has been a saving grace when going all angsty over wanting to leave your current situation:

It’s from my favourite Broadway Musical, “Newsies”, and lemme tell you — discovering this as a 17-year-old when I was just starting to realise the severity of my situation was pure divinity.

Jeremy Jordan, my beloved Broadway Bard <3

When I finally get my cottage, I’m getting a wooden plaque with the name “Santa Fe” engraved on it, and am hanging it on my front door.

I wish you much luck and love, my little anonymous friend! And please know my inbox is open any time you need anything — vent, advice, a laugh or something else, ANYTHING, it feels good to know my past can maybe help someone else’s present ☀️

Please update me, too! I’m following your story along ardently now! (Also, be sure to take your sentimental items and store them somewhere safe away from your mother — ie baby albums, birth certificates, other paraphernalia/memorabilia etc).

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must hit the road. DESTINY AWAITS!