#so she helps me feel less alone
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honestly Adaine is so good at clarifying/directing Ayda socially that it begins to circle back to a dynamic of like, Ayda saying "i don't know or understand these rules" and Adaine responding "have no fear, I've been carefully studying and manually interfacing with these for years, I will explain:" in a way that to me is so autism4autism
#N posts stuff#like Ayda feels like someone who has spent most of her life alone / with adults and so lacks any context at all for socializing with Peers#she's good at Information (bc she's a librarian) and communicating Facts (bc likely most of her socializing has been helping#with research in one way or another on Leviathan) BUT she struggles a lot more with like#friendly gossip and flirting and boundaries <- because she's never interfaced much with people her own age so it's like being lost at sea#BUT Adaine to me at a certain point Stops reading to me as 'Neurotypical who intuits the rules and is just good at explaining them'#and becomes 'autistic with a special interest in social rules/dynamics' and it's less 'i grew up speaking this language natively'#and WAY MORE 'i've been studying this language intentionally for many years so I can help clarify and give you advice'#and i Love That for them I love when they're talking in Hellbound and Adaine is like 'oh lovely! do you have notes on this social phenom?'#because she's 100% canonically the autistic person who is taking notes on social cues (outright in Daddies&Demons) and is like#'Excellent. Surely with these I am going to get a good grade in Social Conversation.'#Autism win! You and the Librarian on a pirate ship have become Best Friends who think each other are SO cool and lovely and kind <3#d20lb#fhsy#d20: bad kids
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grieving
#i guess thats why i feel so gross rn#its just. gnawing on me. regrets. loneliness. im tired#thats probably why ive been so insistent on working on something at all times. i dont like being alone with my thoughts#and now that i have a moment of silence its just. so loud#getting constant updates doesnt help. seeing my parents fight about it doesnt help. seeing others grieving differently doesnt help#i dont. i dont know#i dont think im gonna come to terms with any of this any time soon#i wasnt that close with my grandpa the past few years since covid but he was always there when i grew up without a dad#he was always a good person when i was a child. as i was an adult a little less so but thats how it goes right? and old people are like tha#it doesnt help that my mom doesnt talk very kindly of him. she loved her dad but is also very mean about him#i dont know. its so difficult for me to grasp#i dont know what to do with grief. it hurts but both not enough and also an overwhelming amount#i just...#funerals next week. i dont wanna do this#night is an absolute mess on main#im just afraid of losing everything. my family has never been that big and now both of my grandparents are gone#and my stepdads family has never accepted me in really so its. i dont know where i belong#it just hurts. i know i have people around but it feels like everyones leaving#i dont want to be alone. i cant
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Whenever I think about being perceived, I straight up want to die. I am very envious of people who live their lives not giving a fuck what others think of them. To my shame (and also the cause of a lot of my shame) that is not true for me. I give too many fucks and I know. And I can barely stand up for myself.
#personal#diary time#i have a colleague at work who made fun of me slightly by saying my legs are smelling and then she said she was joking so now i don't know#my shoes are probably smelling though and ill need to waah them#then she pushed me while I was reading because...she couldn't help herself she said??? bc it was clear i was focusing on what I was reading#and i am less upset at her actions as i am upset with my behavior. i shut up and closed down because I don't even know what to say#and I don't want to think about what to say i just want to die#i lied i don't like being mean#im almost 26 and I feel like im back at being 12 when i was feeling alone and isolated and made fun of in camp for being deaf
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ahsgsjaugejwjg
#sh/sui warning for tags#been having a shit day and just not feeling great overall and usually drinking water and eating helps but it hasnt today :/#which means its an Actual Problem this time. like i knew it was an actual problem when i fucking cut AGAIN but idk#idk man. im just so so so scared of my friends hating me#and i know i have to see my partner again bc she is the one and only person that never ever makes me feel safe and unjudged and everything#but idk. as of right now im just not havin a great time.#like its actually so stupid the things i get upset about. there was some motivational speaker at my school today and when we got called down#to go watch the presentation i had to take like five seconds to grab my bag and phone from my desk#and my two friends got up and left together without waiting for me#and i know it wasn’t their intention and they weren’t trying to be mean or anything but man. doesnt make it hurt less yk.#and i saw some post from a guy in my school of him and his friends in the cafeteria and idk why but it made me so sad. it made me think abt#one time my friends said they wanted to walk around at lunch so i was like ok i’ll eat alone that’s fine bc i’m too disabled to walk around#the school. and then someone sent me a pic of them all eating together in the cafeteria. and i know they probably just stopped there for a#second and weren’t purposely ignoring me or anything but man that did not help yk#i want to leave them alone bc they never seem to want to talk to me but im trying to tell myself its just my mind but its so hard to#and i do love my friends and im making them seem a lot worse here than they are but its just. god im so scared.#idk. i dont actually want to die but i wish i could kms like. temporarily.#i know this is bad and manipulative but i just cant shake the want to know what would happen if i did yk. and this is a terrible train of#thought but like i want my friends to realize how scared this makes me and if i have to kms to do that. idk.#ive brought it up to them before and they pretty much told me to eat with someone else and i said i didnt have any other friends and they#kind of just said not my problem. so i dont want to bring it up again bc im mature enough to deal with my own issues and shit#it’s just hard man. i dont know how im supposed to communicate w them bc everything feels like im traumadumping on them and i dont want to#bother them. im trying to convince myself its not an issue and it doesnt actually bother me but i know it does bc i just fucking relapsed#and i had a city council thing in class today and i was the only person that was denied any funding at all and i was trying not to take it#personally and i was doing pretty good but i told my mom about it and she started defending the ppl that refused me anything and then it was#suddenly personal to me for some reason. its stupid and i know that but god that doesnt make it any better#rambles#vent
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The fact I can never tell if the woy fandom has improved its media literacy when it comes to Lord Dominator or nah is so terrible jtncvcjsbsbmn
#i mean ykw i blame a lot on the fact that woy is OLD and like.. who even rewatches it a TON ton#let alone that closely#but like. the way it feels like ppl watched her every scene with their eyes closed (or fixated on nothing but her body) is insane 😭 yeurgh#she is literally so straightforward#some of the takes ppl have on her remind me of those#''UGH wander is so STUPID i wouldnt be surprised if his pacifism were literally selfish & malicious he's so shitty!!!!!!!!''#takes you'll see in like.. youtube comment sections or on the occasional tumblr post euurhghghghhh#like bruh these characters are VERY SINCERE but at least with wander u have the fact that his naivety is a total ruse#like i understand stuff like that tripping people up on stuff in some ways bc he's really really complex despite how simple his motives are#but dom is like.. she has really interesting complexities but not in a way where they're important to delve into to get the character#but naw people will actually be out here thinking that she lives to be sexualized 🤢 and likes men or is angsty or redeemable or hrGDHBVbfG#LIKE WHAT!!!!!!! WHAT!!! WHAT THE FUCK??! granted some of those are way less insane/bad than the others#*beats the lesbiphobes with a brick beats the lesbiphobes with a brick beats the lesbiphobes with a brick*#but BROOO euwiahshdhqnshshajahds#her character is literally just.. ok take wander. replace his love for helping ppl w/ love for hurting ppl. delete he angst. THERE DONE.#THAT'S HER TYHAT IS LITERALLY HER AT HER CORE HER VERY CORE AHSHANABXSN. THEN JUST ADD HER PERSONAL QUIRKS/LIKES/SKILLS IN & THERE U GO#bully personality on steroids and crack and ten THOUSAND energy drinks. just the most maniacally fucked up guy imaginable#funny opinion: i thjink maybe the only woy fans who r good & sane when it comes to her..#r the ones who LOVE her for being Fucked Up & the ones who haate hate HATE her for beign Fucked Up.......... evry1 else is so scary /hj#ok that's silly.. but also fr everyone who 'loves' her for [insert gross shit here] or hates her for [insert blatantly false shit here] 😨#SCARY!!! but anyway ok that's enough negativity dhdjndn in writing all this i really feel assured that things actually ARE better now#like whether or not people actually get the character or not is whatever :o#(at worst it's just like.. a bummer bc u miss out on sm fascinating stuff irt the mains & the world's logic & character development & aAA)#we're finally free of the constant influx of stupid horrible sexist opinion pieces about Dominator !!!!!!!!!!#and of all the folks who marched up to frank & craig all ''YOUR SHOW SUCKS & IS BAD BC SHE CLEARLY ONLY EXISTS TO BE A LOVE INTEREST!!''#maybe i have enough insane ppl blocked to never see stuff like that but JSBFBDHSS nobody's wrong about her in a shit idiot way anymore 🙏🙏#now it's only ever like.. wrong in a way that is bad and kinda sucks but like whatever :O#btw this is all me speaking very very generally (sans the specific examples) & any tumblrs this could pertain to r inactive or long blocked#(& this wasnt even written w anything frm tumblr in mind 2 begin with; i've been reading somE TAKES on LD & Wander lately and mMmvj..)#(hence that v specific example of yt commentary on wander i gave earlier.... bad LD takes are wAy more common but MY GOD 💥 in 2023!?!😭)
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And fuck this bitch!
#i texted her;:#'if you feel that i didn't contribute much you can take my name off the report#NOW SHE BETTRR LEAVE ME ALONE. bitch idgaf im not doing shit#i dont have TIME or ENERGY#maybe i come off as a bit of an asshole but the report is due in over 48 hours and this girl and the otehr one thats nice have done most#of it anyway so like. i helped for less than 2 hours and hardly got anything done bc i was so anxious#i dont care about getting a 0 i showed up to the lab like goddamn#z.post
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Me @ my pets: why do you get separation anxiety and destroy things when we go on a trip, can you please just be normal?
My gf: *goes on a trip and leaves me home alone for a few days*
Me: ...
Me: ah.
#methinks it is time to chew the walls in my enclosure#rambling#im very bad at sleeping alone and i dont even know how many nights shes gonna be gone :(#if she told me before then i forgot it but last night i tried to ask her and she just jokingly said she was never coming back#but then didnt give me the actual answer afterwards#i texted her this morning to ask but shes been so busy setting up her show that she hasnt had time to respond ig :(#i have class in less than five hours but I've been up this whole time stress cleaning 😭#i wish i could have someone over but my qpp has her sun this week and has to get up to take him to preschool and go to work really early#like the same time in usually falling asleep#and my other qpp and friends live two hours away :(#i just don't like being alone at night my brain gets bad :(#before my gf moved in with me i would have sleepovers with my friends as often as possible specially because of that#it made me feel safe and distracted me from the bad thoughts and helped me sleep better#there was a while where my qpp was staying the night with me literally almost every night#i haven't had to worry about sleeping alone for the past 3+ years that my gf and i have lived together#maybe i SHOULD chew wires to cope#edit: there are so many typos but I'm not retyping all of those tags im too tired for this#I'm gonna try to go to sleep now
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Okie I took a shower and now I'm normal again (lying) anyways look at my son
#rat rambles#sekai posting#sorry for that kinda messy rant smth just snapped within me tkfjsjdg#I rly could have just said 'very few of the behaviors ppl demonise mafuyu for within their initial breakdown are repeated after it'#and thatd cover most of my bases. If ppl actually thought for five seconds longer anyways lol#but ya anyways onto smth more positive I rly love how we can rly tangebly see mafuyu's development since the start in their bday 4koma#basic summary; ichika and honami give them globe. mafuyu does a lil genuine thing and says they like it. they show it to miku and len woo#I love how we rly get to feel mafuyu start to get a better grasp on expressing themself genuinely even if they try their damndest not to#let it show outside of 25ji#it rly goes to show that just having a space to try to express themself more freely is so important for them#it reminds me of how for me that space was talking to myself when I was home alone#I think that kinda left me with some other issues but it did legitimately help me build up my sense of self so much#because rather than engaging with this hypothetical me in my thought echo chamber I had to actually like talk#and also while I poke fun at kanade constantly being like how do u feel it does help and honestly is probably the best kanade can do in her#current state without biting off way more than she can chew which is ultimately best for both of them#but still 25ji encouraging mafuyu to try to word their thoughts forces them to engage with their mental state in a more tangeble way#and thats good for them I think. again it reminds me of a lot of what I did to rebuild so I think its neat to see in a media#I rly appreciate how a lot of mafuyu's issues have been less them relearning ~how to feel~ or whatever and more of a mix of them finding#more of a safe space to actually learn how to recognise their emotions that they already have while also having the rest of 25ji there to#support them and on top of a safe space give them a happy space of sorts#like again I can poke fun at 25ji for not being the found family ppl treat them as all I want but that doesnt make them less important for#mafuyu and also again all of them make me soso happy and I love all of their dynamics Im just a lil hater /j#aka I dont like ppl scrubbing away their rough edges as friends like them being so clunky is a part of the appeal to me#I wanna watch them bridge that gap as slowly as possible I find it funny#but in all seriousness tho if the next 25ji event gives us some good kanade stuff we might be much more set up for some stronger 25ji#friendship developments since currently kanade is the one making things most stagnant#speaking of I hope the next 25ji banner is good Im tired of saving my crystals I wanna gamble god damnit /j
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ok so my bestie is calling me mumbai aise hi cause we were planning for months like jaise hi my exams are over we'll do it and like since it's so close to christmas i was kinda hoping we would celebrate it together but uh i talked to her on the phone and she said u go on 24th cause i have plans with (boyfriend) on christmas
#idk how to feel about this#i vote: sad#also embarrassed#but idk it's normal i guess cause they're like so obsessed with each other totally still in the honeymoon phase even tho its been 5 months#and she was also telling me abt how they went to snow world with their friend and then snuck out to the igloo to make out#which is like.. really cute#but then their friend interrupted and they were annoyed cause they don't get to spend any alone time together#which!!!!! idk i don't want to go and be the third wheel#lowkey wanna say 'my parents said no' and bail on the whole trip but idk i feel like my therapy self help books would disapprove 😭#but like what do i even say? let's be together on the 25th bc i miss u and i want to celebrate festivals with u? sounds clingy#ugh#irl friendships are impossible most times im being not enough and other times im being too much like there is no winning#i literally do not know how to give her and love her less im protecting my heart so well all i do is call her once in 3-4 days to talk for#like 1 hour like idk is this not the bare minimum#or maybe im just misreading her tone? she has even said u should come live with me for ur internship no need to pay rent it'll be so cool#like the bold type#but that was before she started dating him#aaaaaaah idk idk idk#mes
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.
#I already feel like today is gonna be a shitshow at work#I’m partially to blame for it#bc I’m covering catering for our normal caterer while she’s out of town#and there’s a big order today plus two more#and I prepped as much stuff as I could for it yesterday before I left#but there’s still a lot of food that needs to be made today and I didn’t have a key to the store so I couldn’t go in early today to start#making the food and I didn’t ask one of the managers if I could borrow their key#plus the idea of going into the store alone possibly hours before anyone else gets there is nerve wracking to me#anyway I’m gonna have 5 hours to make a shit ton of sandwiches and huge salads#so if they don’t actually give me the help that I was told yesterday that I would be given#then I’m fucked#so basically all night that’s what I’ve been having dreams about like literally every possible thing going wrong#so I’m stressed#I also have a headache that started yesterday that’s still here and I imagine it’s probably gonna get worse throughout the day as I continue#to be stressed and also to not eat or drink anything because I won’t have the time to do either#like I’m the one hand I know I’ve done as much as I could so I’ll probably be fine#I made a lot of food yesterday in less time#like I’m giving myself an extra hour this morning than I did yesterday and there’s less things I have to do today before I start making#sandwiches than I did yesterday but still I’m just worried that I’m gonna be slow and constantly stressed about it#but oh my god as soon as I finish the orders I’m gonna head back to the store and prep for tomorrow and then come home and sleep probably#but I mean I took a four hour nap yesterday then was awake for like 2.5 hours and went back to sleep for the night#I feel like all I do when I get home is nap anymore#which is potentially a problem but oh well#or maybe I’ll actually write when I get home bc I need to work more on the johnny fic I started but I’m stuck I don’t know where I actually#wanted it to go from where I’m at right now bc putting the smut here feels kinda forced and also I don’t know I kinda feel like I should#just get rid of this scene but this scene is also kinda what I was building around#we’ll see
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Month 4, day 15
Fuck taxes, I made a butterfly :D
#the great artscapade of 2024#art#my art#blender#blender render#blender 3d#eevee render#butterfly#I feel like I could have done made it pretty colors with procedural textures#but it's good to practice UV unwrapping and using texture maps#I only got about halfway done bc I did my taxes for this year today#I have to specify ''for this year'' because I've been forgetting to file since 2020 like a dumbass#anyway I owe the IRS $430 for this year alone and I'm Big Mad™#the good news is I'm getting back more than that from the state so it's not gonna be too huge a deal#totally didn't cry about it#nosirree#totally didn't cry on the phone to my roommate or nothin'#(← liar)#(← cried like a baby)#(<- cried like a baby bc she was so fucking upset about owing the IRS she forgot she was getting anything back from state ;-;)#anyway I also did my 2022 (due 2023) taxes and... owed $490#but getting back almost as much from the state so it offsets#haven't done 2020 and 2021 yet#too scared#also my roommate is giving me the contact info for his mom's tax prep lady#he says she can help me make sure I get back as much as humanly possible (if it is possible)#and he helped me unfuck my W-4 which caused this problem#paychecks are gonna be less awesome now but I'm also getting a $5 raise in September so it offsets#I hope#maybe
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I kinda wanna go on a rant but I honestly just think I need to sleep
#and be alone for like 24 hours#I haven’t had a day withou any plans/other people for at least three weeks#and I’ve had busy weeks before that as well#and my next week will be busy as well#it’s a lot#I’ve put in FREE in my calendar to make sure I don’t have plans then#and this weekend I was supposed to be off but it was the only week I could meet up with my cousins#it was super fun but my brother was kinda like so how did u think it went#and overall I think it went well and so did he#one of my cousins was feeling less so yesterday apparently#but once again I really think it went the best it could have been#one of my cousins fucked kinda up tho and arrived at like half past midnight bc he double booked himself#and his sister was feeling kinda bad for him that ha arrived so late and we would just head to bed so he didn’t get anything out of that day#whereas I very much felt like it was his own fucking fault#I was not gonna stay out till half past 2 when I’d been out partying the day before and I’d already felt just seeing them Saturday/Sunday#took a lot of my energy#that was kinda the rant anyway#but it was a nice discussion with my brother about it#bc I was also slightly annoyed by some of them playing Pokémon go instead of the board game the five of us was playing#but talking it out with him helped with that so it’s fine#then now as I was vacuuming I started getting annoyed at one of my cousins bc#I think it’s ridiculous that he can’t respect his trans brother (my cousin)’s new name and pronouns#so he’s got a free pass to use the old one#bc my other cousin asked bc no one ever really told her what was going on and she heard different things#and I’m still annoyed by that I find it weak as fuck#our grandmother I get but my cousin is 19 he can fucking do better#anyway at that point I realized how stupid tired I am and that’s probably not helping#but since it’s only 7 pm and I need dinner and stuff I can’t sleep yet#so here’s the rant instead I guess#me
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The thing I'm most ashamed about in my life that I've never told anyone because I know how bad it sounds is that my mom does practically everything for me she does the cooking and most the cleaning she drives me places too and I always see those posts about how useless men are because they've always been coddled and had everything done for them but secretly I think I'm exactly the same as them I am disabled and I find it extremely difficult to function on a day to day basis but sometimes I think that's because of being lazy and maybe if I did more I could learn to look after myself eventually
#i feel very guilty because i also find it quite unbearable to live with my mom but i know i have no right to complain#she's basically my carer and when i lived alone i starved myself and stopped showering etc.#anyway. may delete this because i know everyone will think less of me for treating my mom so badly#maybe the shame will make me change my ways though that's basically why I'm forcing myself to post this#i know shame is meant to be a poor motivator but i need to help her more even though it's very hard for me
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Uggggghhhhh
#It's been raining for like three days#I'm exhausted - probably because weather + work? + period#I got soaked walking home tonight#and totally biffed a social interaction with someone asking for help getting a meal and now I feel guilty#and the cat is being a pest because my roommate's out of town and I've been in the office the oast three days so she's been home alone#and has Feelings about that#and I just... ugh#everything's hard#but not as hard as it probably is for the woman I didn't buy a meal fornon ky way home!#even though it really was within my means to do#so that's extremely shitty!#🙃#fucking hell#oh! AND my dad keeps texting me things for which my main two options for reply seem to be either ''Okay'' or simply ignoring#so I've been ignoring them#which feels both more and less rude than simply saying okay#but I simply cannot!#what do you want me to say when you tell me you went to the bank & need to find a mechanic for your car & gave your ex-wife/my mom some $#and she says she's doing well (I know - I talk to her)#and you still think you're gonna run for presidentbut you literally have dementia#I should go back to therapy at some point#this post might self-destruct later
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