#i lost my train of thought partially bc I wrote half of this and had to pause but

[tricksterlatte]

I've always been fascinated by fandom history, and I know I'm not the only one. It's interesting to see how fans of pop culture can create a culture of their own, and in the modern age of social media and the internet in general, that culture is as widespread as ever. Unfortunately, that also means downsides are becoming bigger as this culture becomes widespread, and it's saddening to watch, maybe even concerning.

I don't discuss these things to be preachy, especially considering how I've fallen into several of these pitfalls before, and have perpetuated some of this behavior in the past. To say otherwise would make me a hypocrite and a liar, and I firmly believe this goes for most people in any fandom. I was just thinking about this recently, and how a lot of the biggest stressors in what should be our stress relief really can be pinned mostly into a few central talking points, which I would love to discuss to know if I'm not just going crazy here

The concept of Big Name Fan has evolved into a position of authority on fandom, which does not fall to anyone regarding subjectivity. No one in a fandom is an authority except the creators themselves, who have every right to stay away from the fandoms they have birthed.

Popularity in general being conflated to intellectual authority as well, especially on websites with public stats, particularly following counts. The algorithm is no benevolent god, but people will sometimes see someone with 30k followers and think they are correct on a minor non-issue that has spiraled into discourse, especially when compared to someone with 30 followers. This also is just...a bummer when fanon evolves into perceived canon, and newcomers to the fandom can't post even innocuous meta or headcanons without it being perceived as morally/intellectually incorrect.

Monetization of fanworks, but especially zines, have led to a hypercompetitive atmosphere that only escalates the bitterness and resentment. This is not a universal problem, but many zines across all fandoms habitually accept the same artists and writers, or diminish the value of fanfic due to the limitations of physical printing. The application process has devolved into such a disheartening debacle for a majority of people I see, and the way it is often framed as "your work just wasn't good enough" when it's really about what the mods deem mass marketable will destroy just about anyone's self-esteem after repetitive rejections, and will give some frequent zine runners a false sense of final say over the community (not usually, but it can happen).

The level of distrust for anyone new attempting to start a fan project is just so depressing nowadays (and this one we sadly can blame on a few people by name, but the ones who have sent this issue spiraling still don't care and that just sucks. I feel horrible for everyone who has been tricked).

Somehow comment and anonymous asks have gone backwards from "don't feed the trolls" to "suck it up, at least you're getting comments." I have seen some of these comments people have been told to suck up. It's not okay in general. It's particularly gross when it's an anonymous hate message unrelated to the fanworks themselves, perhaps born out of resentment or bearing an ulterior motive. And some will even attack and defame character due to identity. It's not subtle. It's not okay. People should absolutely be dunked on for this, and I gotta say I'm sick of unsolicited concrit being enforced as positive either. If they didn't ask, don't give it. There's a reason a lot of fic writers some people adore suddenly go ghost, and they can't even talk about it.

Don't like, don't read has been discarded in favor of don't like, tell others don't read and also don't write. Transformative works don't have to fit into a canon or even in character mold. That's why they're transformative! It's a different type of artistic expression. If you don't like it, chances are good it simply wasn't meant for you. It's not bad. Don't shame others, god especially not for non-issues such as a t/b preference or a different gender hc, preferred haircuts, types of animal you imagine them as in another lifetime, I could list literally anything here and I bet there has been a fandom fight over it.

Exclusive yet publicly advertised community Discords that will bar you from invite if you're not one of the cool kids. I have unfortunately fallen into this trap before, and refuse to ever enable or endorse that behavior ever again. This isn't about friend groups either, it's about fandom-dedicated servers that flaunt themselves as a VIP club instead of what they are: a friend group. I also don't even know how to broach the subject of private accounts that turn into fandom tea accounts with dozens if not hundreds of followers, only for people to be angry if someone isn't exactly okay with horrific stuff being said in general, let alone about their mutuals or friends.

I know none of this will likely ever change, and tbh i'm so tired of it all, but...does anyone else know what I mean? I'm stressed out whenever I try to enjoy myself, because popularity and a strange business mindset is steadily taking over fandom spaces. I'm not saying people should stop trying to make stuff that sells, or that people universally do any of this, but fandom is evolving into a thing I'm not sure is good. idk anymore

[nami-writes]

Home - Detroit: Become Human

i wanted to write something so i put my playlist on shuffle and the first song that played was waving through a window (yes from dear evan hansen) so obviously i wrote about connor! there are a few references to the song in this too bc i couldn’t resist lmao. enjoy connor struggling with the concept of home

The first night after the revolution was the worst.

A few androids left after the revolution was a success. They returned to their former loving owners, now their family, or just went to start a new life for themselves as free people. 

Most of the androids returned back to the abandoned church. At least, most of the ones that survived. They were the ones that had nowhere to go. No place they could call home, no people they could call family. They were the ones that had joined Jericho early on, when it was nothing but a few dozen barely-functioning androids living in a broken down ship who were there because nobody else wanted them, or joined Jericho the latest, the ones most lost and confused and unsure of what to do because there’s nobody to tell them.

Connor went with them.

He wasn’t sure why, really. He was sure Hank was waiting for him with Sumo, probably freaking out at Connor being involved in the revolution on TV and possibly being hurt, but entirely willing to welcome him home regardless.

Home.

Could that be considered his home?

The idea had been foreign to him before Hank. Which... wasn’t very long, considering the majority of his lifetime had been spent accompanying him on investigations, but the word still left an odd feeling in his chest. Cyberlife had been home, or something similar, at least. The police station had been home. Now, Jericho was home.

Would Hank be home?

 

definition of home                     

/hōm/ noun                                                

the place where one lives permanently,

especially    as a member of a family   or household.                                      

 

Family.

That word left a similar feeling in his chest. And to think of Hank as family...

He could almost say he wanted it.

No, that was wrong. He did want it. But could an android be part of a family?

Could he be part of a family?

But how could he be?

He didn’t belong with Hank and Sumo. He was an android, a deviant. Hank was still dealing with Cole’s death, making himself his responsibility would only worsen his stress. He couldn’t be part of his family.

He didn’t even feel part of Jericho, despite also being a deviant. In fact, he felt like he was still part of the other side. The humans’ side. He felt like he still hadn’t proven himself, hadn’t yet shown he was truly trying to help.

He felt like he still wasn’t enough.

Like he hadn’t done enough.

Logically, he knew he had. Logically, he knew he’d been the one to recruit over half of Jericho’s current numbers and defeat Cyberlife indefinitely.

But still, some part of him nagged at him, reminding him how he’d been known as the infamous deviant hunter. He’d signaled for the destruction of Daniel, he’d caused the HK400 to self-destruct, he’d led the humans to Jericho. All of it had been his fault, still was his fault, would always be his fault.

It had taken the lives of two androids and risking the lives of too many more for him to realize he’d been wrong.

Would he ever be more than the deviant hunter everyone knew him as?

When he saw Rupert, the Tracis, and the AX400, he’d been filled with shame. He’d put all of them into life-threatening situations and nearly got one of them killed. And for what? To accomplish his mission? To mark off another task on his to-do list? To satisfy Amanda and save himself at their expense?

He was surrounded by deviants, his supposed people, but it felt like he was miles away from them. He felt nowhere near as deserving of freedom as they all were. Every strange look in his general direction made him think they recognized him, they knew him, they knew he was the deviant hunter, they were going to throw him out or kill him because they knew.

He didn’t belong in Jericho alongside Markus. He didn’t belong anywhere. He should’ve just let himself fail and be deactivated if it meant he could save the lives of the androids he’d caused the deaths of.

It would’ve been better for everybody.

Markus noticed Connor sitting by himself in a pew, his face buried in his hands, and approached him. “Connor? Are you okay?”

Connor looked up at him, slightly startled to see him when the sudden question pulled him out of his thoughts. “Yes, I’m... I’m okay. I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine.” He took the seat beside him. “What’s wrong? Do you have nowhere to go?”

“No, I do, it’s just that I...” He trailed off, reconsidering answering him. What would he think about what Connor’s done? He didn’t want to be thrown out and lose what little he had left.

But what did it matter if he was thrown out? He would deserve it after all he’s done.

“...I’m sorry.” He couldn’t think of anything else to say, so he apologized. Partially for having been such a terrible person before he deviated, and partially for putting his burdens on him. He would only admit one of those, though.

“Sorry? Why are you sorry?” Markus asked, this time with a look of genuine confusion and concern. “You have nothing to be sorry about.”

He wanted to say he had everything to be sorry about, but decided against it. “I just... I was a—a terrible person before I deviated, and—“

“No, don’t be sorry for that,” Markus interrupted. “That isn’t you anymore. You didn’t know any better. None of it was your fault.”

“All of it was my fault,” he said. “You don’t understand. I hurt so many people. I got so many people killed. I just...” He sighed and dropped his gaze. “Maybe it’d be best for everyone if I left.”

Markus looked shocked and almost offended, even, and Connor immediately felt a pang of guilt. “Connor, no. You belong here. You can go find a home for yourself, but you’ll always have a place here. You’re one of us now. Your past doesn’t change that.”

“The AX400. Rupert. The Tracis,” Connor began. “I chased down all of them and risked all of their lives.” He swallowed hard, but forced himself to say it. “I made the AX400 cross a busy highway with her child. I chased Rupert across a moving train. I fought and almost shot the Tracis.” He wanted to disappear on the spot, but he couldn’t, so instead he did the closest thing to it. “I’m sorry. I-I should go.” Despite the voices in his head telling him how pathetic he was to be unable to own up to his misdeeds and face him, he stood up and went to leave.

Markus grabbed his arm and Connor braced himself to be chewed out, or maybe even assaulted. It’d be understandable, after all. “I know.”

He stopped. Of all possible responses, he hadn’t expected that. “What?”

Markus gave a half-relieved chuckle. “Connor, they’re the ones who told me.” He pulled Connor back into his seat with a reassuring smile. “When you showed up and joined Jericho, they each came up to me and vouched for you. They thought I was going to kill you or kick you out, so they defended you. But they told me different stories than what you said.”

“They... defended me?”

He nodded. “Kara, the AX400, said you didn’t go after her on the highway, even though you had the chance to. Rupert told me you stopped chasing him to help your partner. The Tracis both saw you get a clean shot at one of them, and then lower your gun.” His voice softened. “You can be a good person, Connor. You are a good person. Kara didn’t seem very favorable of you, but she still felt the need to vouch for you. Hell, Rupert actually told me he didn’t like you because you were hunting deviants but he thought you could learn to be better. And I’m pretty sure it was the Tracis’ idea to vouch for you in the first place.”

“I...”

I don’t deserve this.

“...I don’t know what to say.”

“Then don’t say anything. But you are more than what you think you are,” he said. “You deserve to be here just as much as anyone else here does.” He gave him one last supportive smile before standing up. “Jericho is your home, and we are your family. It’s up to you whether or not you want to find your own.”

Connor watched as Markus walked away, then remembered what he’d been thinking about prior to their conversation.

He hadn’t been sure if he could have a home or have Hank be his family.

He still wasn’t sure if he could have that, but he knew he wanted it.

The next morning, Connor found him waiting for him outside of his house. Hank noticed him and turned to give him a smile with Sumo laying at his feet.

He returned it.

Hank took a few hesitant steps forward. Sumo followed.

Then he grabbed Connor’s shoulder and pulled him into a hug, closing the distance between them as Sumo padded around them.

 

meaning of home                                                     

home means an enjoyable, happy place,

where you can  live, laugh and learn. it’s somewhere

where you are loved, respected, and cared for.

 

This had to be it.

This had to be home.