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#i love being queer and i dont mind knowing my fluidity and dysmorphia put me identify me as the former
lillyviarabbit
·
1 year
Text
if only wishing could change things, but i'm too paralyzed to act
#I so desperately wish I didnt have to be trans
#i love being queer and i dont mind knowing my fluidity and dysmorphia put me identify me as the former
#but i wish i was cis and had to learn how to play with masculinity
#instead of vice versa
#i wish i had to bind
#i wish i could enjoy my body
#but alas—the good days just leave me neutral
#and the bad days still leave me suicidal
#fuck now that i'm thinking about it too much i might shave off my beard too
#i havent felt like this since i pulled the trigger to shave my legs and have permanently scarred my thighs and stomach
#because one missed hair means i need to rip it out
#and that scabs
#which then i need to burst open for weeks to months on end
#and none of this would be as hard for me if i didnt have to learn it on my own
#for now i cant transition
#even if i wanted to wholeheartedly
#because i can take off my glasses and pass decently well as a man
#i did it for 20 years—even if by the time i was in middle school i understood i wasn't like the others
#I hate that i make women uncomfortable just by my presence alone
#because i look like a man
#and would not be able to shake that without changing my jawline
#im built like a barrel
#i wish i was a cis woman that got a hysterectomy
#and could indulge the comfort of being perceived as a woman innately
#I could be more confident being affectionate
#and i have to walk on eggshells even now because i can just *feel* how my male body taints every step i take and every relationship i have
#i hate it so much
#but i cant hate me
#ive never hated me
#and I accept this is how i am
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