#I so desperately wish I didnt have to be trans

[lillyviarabbit]

if only wishing could change things, but i'm too paralyzed to act

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for not wanting to homeschool?

i(15ftm) have been getting pressured by my family, and especially my mom, to homeschool. my older brother and 3 younger siblings all agreed to homeschool this year, my brother especially being very enthusiastic. my mom(36f) has been watching a lot of news and tiktoks that have made her certain we need to run away to Tennessee (we live in California ) within the next year or two, and she desperately wants me to homeschool.

i have a lot of trouble focusing on schoolwork specially when im at home, to the point that when we were quarantined i failed all but one class. i also have a hard time making and keeping friends, as i am incredibly socially anxious. this last year and now, ive been making close friends, but its hard to keep in touch or hang out when we arent in school.

ive tried to explain that i would be incredibly depressed (moreso than right now lol) and i would probably lose any chances on making it to anything except community college if i home schooled, but my mom wont hear it. she has always written me a letter to read when i get to school on the first day, and they are always very nice. this year she wrote an incredibly passive-agressive note about how she wishes i would homeschool. she is convinced that i will get convinced to talk to my counselor at school and get sent to a group home and then kidnapped for sex-slavery and such, based off of a law that doesnt exist yet ane won't until i am a senior. ignoring that, i would never and have never talked to the school counselor outside of signing up for classes.

anyways, my mom has been bringing this up in every conversation, and shes also still frustrated that i told my friends i was trans before her, and is convinced the entire school and all teachers know as well. i have tried to tell her otherwise, but she wont listen. i only waited to come out to her in the first place, because when i came out as pan, she took my phone and went through it for a week and thought i was saying that i was attracted to pedophiles, and then she immediately outed me to my brother(16m) and dad(42m), who i was waiting to come out to for another month or so, as i wanted to make sure it wouldnt be unsafe to come out. (she didnt tell me she outed me either, i found out from my dad. my parents are divorced and have been since i was 3.) she has since outed me as trans to my dad as well.

however, disregarding that, she has genuine reason to want me to homeschool. it would be less money since we would have to pay for bus rides, extra food, and school supplies for me, and it would mean i get to spend more time with my family, which is a big plus for her. i also wouldnt have to deal with annoying teachers, as it would all be through online courses. for me though, it wouldnt be worth it at all, and i would lose access to my electives, game design and costume design (i go to an art school).

so, am i the asshole? she is genuinely worried about things right now, but i cant see myself being happy doing homeschooling.

What are these acronyms?

[andromerot]

my pedro almodóvar marathon. thoughts, feelings, tier list

or, i spent like 50 hours on this so i better get to post about it

well, i'd be lying if i said i set out to do this with any clear goals in mind. i sort of just wanted to watch movies. this year i set out to watch through a couple of directors entire works, but ran into complications or got bored. so anyway when i finished my term i decided id try a third time with my best friend pedro. i had watched five of his films already but was mostly unaware of other things he had made. on the 22nd of november i started with matador, then went on and in exactly a month i had watched all of his feature films yayyy

so this is how i ranked them on letterboxd and this is a tier list. this doesnt really sum up my thoughts though so im leaving a little review for each below the cut, in the order i watched them in this month hope someone cares :) thank you

matador (1986): ohhhhhh my god. absolutely unexpected how insane this movie made me. many people say its not very good, i dont think that's true. transgressive, erotic, camp, necrosexual, implicit faggot tension, beautiful costuming, insanely talented cast of so many characters sick in the head. watching this one first really hyped me up to keep at it and to close out the month i rewatched it the other day and though it was less surprising than the first time i watched it its maybe my favorite now :) it has structural flaws i suppose. but i love it

¿que he hecho yo para merecer esto? (1984): pretty funny! not bad at all, i remember enjoying it as i watched it, it just wasnt very memorable. i enjoy every performance by carmen maura, chus was stellar as always and forqué was really sweet in this one too, i liked it. i literally forgot half of the plot though. did anyone remember the telepathic child or the faked hitler diaries? i didnt until i looked it up.

la ley del deseo (1987) (rewatched): showed this one to my friend, god its iconic. some of my favorite chiques almodovar. so fun to watch and so silly even though its not quite a comedy. the fact that antonio is just called antonio in this one makes me unwarrantedly happy. MAURA THE WOMAN THAT YOU ARE!! very hot all around. i think i liked it better this time than the other two i had watched it.

pepi, luci, bom y otras chicas del montón (1980): everyone talks about how sexually transgressive 80s almodovar is and i was like yeah whatever until i watched this one. straight up trilogy of trash shit. so beautiful. i wish every movie was like this. no one likes it but i adored it. erecciones generales will stay in my mind forever and i loved the musical numbers. and the piss, of course.

entre tinieblas (1983): also somewhat forgettable, though i watched it while pretty worried about something else so maybe i didnt give it the attention it deserved. its not a bad time but i wouldn't rewatch it. based on the premise you think it'd be better.

la flor de mi secreto (1995) (rewatched): OH GOD. until last month my favorite almodóvar, its been outdone but it still destroys me. its terribly underrated. i dont even know what i can say about it... marisa paredes is stunning at doing desperation. the boots, the scene at the protest, the initial meeting with ángel, the poem in the car, that moment in the hall. it's beautiful and breathtaking. lesbian film history, i promise.

todo sobre mi madre (1999): like, its good, but i dont get what people see in it that makes it so acclaimed. again paredes is great in this, but penélope is somewhat tame compared to what she does later, and this is the point in the list where i have to admit cecilia roth is not very good to me and all my compatriots start throwing rocks at me. listen i just wish she'd stop doing that stupid accent its so fucking bad cecilia sincerate seguro sos de villa crespo. anyway its fine if a bit weird about trans women, but hes always a hit or miss w that

átame (1989): took a big break between the last one and this one for some reason. anyway, pretty funny, except it really drags in the middle. shouldnt have been that long, but victoria abril always slays and the last scene is wonderful.

tacones lejanos (1991): WOAHHHHH! really cool i liked it. i love a mother daughter thing especially this mother and this daughter. really fun doppelganger story and i love how it was told, i found it both melodramatic and subtle? miguel bosé makes a really pretty girl, this will inform my every subsequent rewatch of suspiria. big fan of his gender. dance number fucked obvs

kika (1993) (rewatch): ok, i know why people don't like this one, but its so silly... cmon. it sillay. once again incredible abril performance, the costuming my god.... her character makes the whole movie i wish i was her. lesbian rossy de palma was wonderful and every forqué performance is a delight. pedro getting hitchcockian with it to slightly trick the audience is a staple of his 90s filmography, fucks.

carne trémula (1997): the title made me think it would be better! there was barely any carne. i didn't really see the point of most of it tbh, though based on how the movie starts and ends there might be some spanish historical context that im missing that makes it more interesting. strangely reminiscing of the buenos aires affair to me, but puig is better. yeah it was just pretty boring.

laberinto de pasiones (1982): YAYYYYYY i had some trouble torrenting so i watched it really out of order this but its SO FUN. obviously in the same vein as pepi luci bom but i liked it slightly more just for how unnecessarily elaborate it was. the one major role i dont mind roth being in and im a big fan of antonios gay terrorist with an ultradeveloped sense of smell character and arias is really into his very silly character too – he works well in secreto as well, i wish hed been on more almodovares, i should finally watch camila. liné was hilarious too. the problematic incest storyline was really funny to me sorryyyyy and i got a lot of gender out of the musical performances. hey can you believe that beautiful fag covered in blood is a franquista now. i can

hable con ella (2002): ehhhhhhh. some people really hate this one for the couple scenes i found most interesting, others love it for reasons i cant parse. its got parts that caught my attention a lot, but mostly it was eerie in an unenjoyable and uninteresting way and the backstories dragged on too long, especially grandinetti's. like i just don't care sorry. THE scene is quite disturbing though. i appreciated he decided to show rape in a more subtle light for once, it made it a lot more cruel and a lot more interesting.

la mala educación (2004) (rewatch): sighhhh. i really wish i liked this one. its got so many elements i am into – the colours are obviously spectacular, the unreliable multiple narrations and the disassembled timelines are always enjoyable to me, the attempt at social commentary is appreciated, some scenes are stunning (fictional ignacios head split in half is unforgettable) but quite honestly the characterization is so bad it bores me. i liked it more the first time i watched it just because of how confused i was, once i wasnt it lost its magic. maybe the worst in what is considered the "somewhat autobiographical movies about directors" trilogy (i think there's four of them but we'll discuss that later) probably because the character of enrique is so bland. i know its more but it feels that you only spend like five minutes with him. ángel/juan's motivations for anything are so puzzling, ignacio is just a caricature at this point and probably the character with the most depth is berenguer, which is ironic, i guess

volver (2006): WAHHH. its hard to talk about it honestly. it was so unexpectedly beautiful. the acting is so on point – penélope cruz and that beautiful carmen maura comeback are self evident, but blanca portillo is also stellar. it was fascinating from minute one and i couldnt keep my eyes off it. its written with such care and love. i suppose the plot itself is nothing out of this world, but the way it is handled is explosive. i really adored it.

los abrazos rotos (2009): the fourth bastard on the self insert series! cmon, its way more about himself than la mala educación. anyway, its good at some points, not very in others. the strong point is obviously the relationship between mateo, judit and diego, their refusal to be tied as a family and their desire to be tied by love is reaaaally interesting. the scene at the sea... but penélope and her millionaire and her millionaires son do nothing interesting at any point, im afraid to say. sad! surprisingly not very memorable, even though i didnt dislike it as i watched it. like i remember i liked some things but if a couple weeks later i dont remember what they were its probably the movies fault

la piel que habito (2011): AUGHHH OK. fuck. THIS ONE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD. it wasnt it was really mid. when it started i was like oh is pedro trying out his hand at cronenberg and i was really excited because im SURE he can do cronenberg better than cronenberg but he didnt. it was worse. how are you giving your women less agency than that guy??? honestly probably the first ever film of his where this is a noticeable problem, though penélope in the last one should give us a hint. ughh it should have been good. im mad about that. no desire to question gender or power and the unchronological storytelling does nothing for me. BAD! if anything i recognized its sexual power for if banderas character was a woman i would be throwing up and convulsing on the floor. i hope vicente and his lesbian coworker had a beautiful romance i guess. i cant believe some people call this one one of the most controversial of his work....

los amantes pasajeros (2013): hm well everyone was like THIS is the bad one and i was like i bet you guys are just being mean but no yeah this is the bad one. its not funny and it drags on so long...i can usually defend the rape scenes in his movies, even in kika or hable con ella, but this one just sucks so bad. i was prepared to defend this movie but i cant. as soon as the movie started i was trying to guess where all the threads would connect, how all the characters would be linked and they mostly... weren't? also the reference to the gazpacho scene in mujeres made me groan out loud.

julieta (2016): well i dont really know what this was supposed to be....it feels on the surface it could have been really good but something about it felt so emotionless. it was an odd experience, watching it, because i expected to be moved by so many scenes and i never was. i dont know what the point of it was.

dolor y gloria (2019): ok yeah this one was sweet! didn't blow my mind or anything but it was very cleverly made...a really more beautiful way to do the childhood-as-movie thing than in mala educación, i really enjoyed it. nostalgia bores me sometimes but i feel hes not being annoying about it. long live old man yaoi (and finally an argentinian actor i DONT hate...) and that beautiful beautiful cave and that mind gripping apartment bringing in the characteristic insane set design but in a new way...i had a good time

madres paralelas (2021): oh this could have been so good! it wasnt but honestly i dont remember exactly why i disliked it. i suppose i didnt connect to the characters and that it is a story that requires that to engage you – their motivations were really out of place and unlike other movies that bothered me. really interesting premise, didnt work out. im sad about it. could have been cool.

yeah so that's it i only realized while writing this that i forgot to rewatch mujeres but obvs that ones very good, proper classic, quote it every time i eat gazpacho and such. also extraña forma de vida is a snore i refuse to watch it again. i hope this works as a rec list for someone. and i am ready to be stoned by my wrong opinions by the rest of you

[bumblee-stumblee]

i am someone who suffered with severe body dysmorphia in my early teens. i thought i was disfigured, ugly, a monster. when i was 13 i started drafting my plans for the cosmetic work i wanted done. a nose job, a lip lift, a chin implant, an eyebrow lift. my dysmorphia caused me so much pain i became suicidal. i wanted nothing more than to end my life because i thought my body was wrong, hideous. i nearly made several attempts on my life.

when i confided in my counsellor about this, i was referred to a psychiatrist. they didnt attempt to give me the plastic surgery i wanted so desperately, they saw i was mentally unwell and suffering. i received proper psychiatric help and was able to overcome my dysmorphia.

My own personal experiences are so similar to that of trans children. could you imagine if everyone indulged in my delusions, and had me referred to a cosmetic surgeon? i thought my body was wrong, and it nearly drove me to suicide. how was i any different from transgender children who wish to go on hrt, and receive sex changes & mastectomies? my heart hurts for these children suffering from dysphoria. if my dysmorphic delusions had been indulged i wouldnt have been any happier. instead of receiving proper care, these children are being sent off to gender clinics. its so despairing

Thank you for this, i think more trans kids need to know that they aren't alone in disliking their bodies. Almost every woman I've known in my life has a story like this. Not the same one but similar.

Thank you

[rowdychickens]

some naruto werewolf au doodles ... kakashi time (ft baby fox shifter naruto) . sorry about having to censor nips despite him being a man tumblr will see a pre op trans man and shoot laserbeams at my head :( Au details in the read more teehee

- Kakashis whole lineage is werewolves basically, sakumo being the most “known” one, the lineage of werewolves being mostly unknown by others and his father trying to keep his status as a werewolf a secret for his safety, to prevent him being used by the village. - werewolves in this AU are more “wolf like” than human like and their natural forms are usually the more wolf like ones, wether it be a werewolf or a full wolf form, most are also born looking more typically like wolves. the human form is usually more of a learned thing and most of their instincts are wolf-like in nature - admired his father greatly, spent most of his time in his wolf forms as a young child sakumo having to try desperately to teach him he cannot do this in public for his safety. - after sakumos passing he grew to hate the werewolf side of himself and lineage, coming to believe part of sakumos ridicule was due to being a werewolf. most still didnt know of him being a werewolf at all and assumed some of his wolfy traits were simply from how his father raised him - later upon joining anbu it would be discovered he was a werewolf, this would be exploited heavily for use for the village. although kept mostly a secret to the public and often other anbu groups. worst time in his life and began viewing himself as a monster and dehumanizing himself even further - After naruto was born and lost his parents to the nine tails attack kakashi wished to raise him, in part because of the child being a fox shifter similar to himself, the uzumaki heritage all having been foxes (though naruto himself was a nine tailed fox ofc, already ridiculed because of being born so close to the attack - despite growing very close to the child and doing his best to care for the baby during the period where no one else would, he was deemed unfit and too dangerous or mentally unstable to care for the child at the time and was forbidden from it I HAVENT thought as far past these parts of the au but meeting naruto again when he had to train him was probably pretty emotional and difficult to maintain the aloof mysterious teacher persona and naruto probably had some idea that kakashi was like him in regards to being a kinda werebeast and being very exciteable abt  it like omg youre like me i can tell and kakashi being like haha noo... (despite being safer for him to share that fact abt himself he probably has a lot of baggage about like. anybody knowing) naruto probably does find out later ensue wholesome werebeast bonding moment. i like these two to have a father son relationship im sorry iruka also guy was definitely a big help in him getting to view himself in a better light  growing up and coming  out of anbu and dealing with all his issues, one of the few people who knows his status about being a werewolf

[chaoxfix]

Hey, i might be wrong but i think i remember you making a post for international women's day, and in it you said that you went through a period of thinking you werent a woman at all but then realised you were actually a lesbian. I just wanted to ask how you figured it out? I cant figure out if im a trans guy or a lesbian and I'm sort of desperate for guidance rn. Sorry this is a bit out of the blue and i totally get it if you dont wanna talk about it. Hope you're having a good day and take care!

ah, this is definitely a tough one, so please know that wherever your journey takes you i hope you find happiness and peace! im also not the end-all-be-all and im also not the sexuality and gender police. people can have similar experiences and feelings and still end up using different terminology and understanding themselves completely in a way that's totally different from one another, so please don't feel the need to use my experience as a roadmap for yourself.

under the cut in case discussion of sexuality and gender is triggering! genuinely, for my trans followers especially, please don't feel the need to look at this if it's something you would be uncomfortable reading. my journey definitely doesn't need to be yours.

in the end there are a few important details for why i ended up thinking i was a guy, or at least nonbinary

grew up evangelical christian and never really believed or felt the faith i was 'supposed' to feel. i also had trouble connecting with my family since they earnestly did believe it. i felt like a stranger in my own home, and worried that someday they'd disown me. i was also terrified of hell, and of 'sinning'. (making mistakes - see 4)

realized i liked girls when i was 12 and not only did i not know much about being gay aside from it being a 'sin', every girl in my grade talked so much about crushes when we were 12 that i felt super isolated from them as a peer group. due to 1 (the evangelical thing) i also grew up knowing my expectation in god's eyes was to be a christian wife and mom someday, and even aside from the 'sin' aspect and the disowning aspect, realizing i liked girls and didnt really like boys, the evangelical ideal for me was suddenly so, so terrifying.

i believed i was a tomboy growing up, but ultimately had to play with mostly feminine toys bc thats what i was given. i wanted to play with my brother but i was often left behind. i had a pretty lonely childhood and associated close friendships with my brother and his friends, not me and the other girls on the playground. when i was really little my best friend was a boy who stopped being friends with me because 'girls cant play power rangers or star wars' so that was probably pretty impactful on my psyche.

i was terrified of making mistakes due to my evangelical upbringing. because i didnt have faith i was so, so terrified of anything i did that could be considered wrong. i wanted to banish everything i'd ever done wrong, even the tiniest misstep, from everyone's memory as well as my own.

i grew up feeling guilty for any of my accomplishments because i was compared favorably to my brother and instead of feeling proud of myself, i felt like the worst person alive if i was being used as 'motivation' or a 'positive example.'

i wanted so badly to be respected by peers. but there were instances where i was told at like. debate teams. 'wow, i thought you were just here to look pretty'

an older trans friend told me he wished he'd known he was trans at my age so he wouldn't have wasted so much time, and told me i was probably trans too because he'd been just like me a few years ago, and that i should get started on social transition so it'd be easier to transition medically when i was older

i had a lot of tomboy interests, and grew up really enjoying mostly 'boy' cartoons. i also really wanted to get into parkour and obstacle courses and the punk scene, which had mostly guys where i lived

i really, really, really hated myself. i would try to reinvent myself every time i moved, but no matter what, i was still myself wherever i went -- awkward, shy, smart and interesting but always puts my foot in my mouth eventually. the only way to avoid that would be to completely change myself. every memory i had, i wanted to get rid of and replace with one from someone better.

i hated my name and body and face and personality and voice and hobbies. everything that's hardest to change, i hated viscerally.

so basically, those were the top 10 reasons i thought i was trans. ultimately, i ended up not being trans. but i thought i was for the better part of 5 years, closer to 6 altogether. i went by a gender neutral name for most of that time. every day i went by that name i was convinced that someday it'd actually feel like me, and i'd feel better for changing my name. but it never really happened. but i still hated my birth name, too, so... what was the issue? i couldnt figure it out, and was so, so anxious about it.

well, turns out the issue was reasons 9 and 10. i hated myself. and that issue was caused by 1. all of it ties back to being raised evangelical christian.

ultimately, ive been dealing with handling my depression and self-hate and anxiety. and i realized that, for me, trying to be a boy, or at least not a girl, was part of me just wanting to destroy myself in any way i could.

when i was 12, i wanted to kill myself, or at least do it by 18. when i was 14, i was presented with the option of reinventing myself as a completely different person. that seemed like the better option. but i think, overall, i didn't need to destroy anything or become someone completely different.

in the end, i don't hate myself for believing i was trans for 5+ years. i wasn't correct in my assessment of myself, but obsessing over it wouldn't really do any good at this point, so i try not to overthink it. im just sad that i didnt address the actual issues i had, and instead blanketed over them with the wrong solution.

the reason i don't see myself as nonbinary or trans anymore is because i was using it to fix the problem that i thought i had, not the problem i actually did. to me, even though i sincerely believed i was at the time, i think it was a way to not be the definition of woman that my parents had. (also, especially when i'd been assaulted at a pretty young age, as soon as i was starting to 'look like a woman' it felt safer to not become one...)

anyways. i think what i needed to do all along was just hate myself less, and try to like myself more.

that's hard to do. but it came in time, with focusing on hobbies that i genuinely enjoy. making connections and friendships that i felt seen and appreciated in, not just tolerated. pushing back on my family's views. understanding that being a woman doesn't have to mean settling down with a husband and having kids. it also meant finding jobs and careers that i feel like the best version of myself in, where i feel like im doing something good for both myself and others. and trying not to base my style or my appearance on how others would view me, but instead of how i wanted to view myself.

i hope this helps you sort through your thoughts!

[i-amtransexual]

i hate when i talk to someone (queer cis people who i thought could at least shut up and nod along) about how much i wished I could have gone through the right puberty the first time, and i mention how i want everything, including the stuff liker a lower voice and a flat chest but also the growing pains and the awful acne, and then they tell me " LOL no you don't want that stuff it's awful." like no fuck off and die, please. i want the good bits. i want the bad bits. fucking hell i just want literally any of it at all.

when my mtf friends tell me they want periods do i say "nah you dont want that they suck so much!" NO, becuase i get that for them, its an integral part of being in their body and having it feel like their own, that they desperately, and as much as it sucks, will never get.

I will never get the growing pains that all my cousins and my friends got. I will never get to be taught how to shave by my father or my uncle or any older male in my life, becuase by the time i get to that point i'll be an adult who will have to teach himself. I will never be able to forget the awful memories of realising my chest was getting bigger, of the nights i spent sobbing over it and how scared and miserable i was. i rember the fear of waiting for my period, and the relief that i didnt have to stress anymore, but mostly the complete and utter disappointment when it turned out, yes, i do have to have one of those.

so cis people, when trans people trust you enough to talk to you about gender dysphoria and the grief they're going through, shut up, be kind and dont ever fucking think you know their own wants for their bodies better than they do themselves.

[milkolya]

i feel like oversharing on this fine friday morning abt whats going on in my life. if you read this, thank you 💖 i know we tumblr gays are all going Through It at any given moment, and the solidarity has always helped me cope

(TW suicide) (with details)

last week my grandfather on my mothers side killed himself by jumping out the 12th story window of their apartment building in russia. he'd been fighting esophageal cancer for approximately 4 years. he was 70 years old. he definitely had some issues, some trauma or mental health struggles, you know, SOMETHING, that led him to excessive drinking and smoking for the vast majority of his life. like, he wouldnt have had cancer if he actually took care of himself you know? its his vices / coping mechanisms that caused it. and once he started getting treated, he didnt have it in him to change his lifestyle to make the treatments worth anything.... he continued on drinking and smoking and eating sugar by the spoon (another cause of the cancer is poor diet) and even insisted that he would die if he gave up any of those things. id get in trouble if i used the "alcoholic" word around my family but they were watering down his wine behind his back when my parents visited in 2021. like come on. and even at 70, he still outlived all of his siblings, all of which died from alcoholism related causes afaik. he just... he was clearly suffering, and in classic russian fashion, he kept everything bottled up forever, never made any effort to get better, and one day when sitting down to do his bills he decided you know what, i dont want to do this anymore.

thats what happens when you dont address problems!!!!

obviously its heartbreaking but its also incredibly frustrating for me. i was super suicidal as a teenager and my mother did NOT take it seriously, she told me that it was "normal" and everyone experiences it (including her). now in retrospect i understand that she was trying to help me and comfort me, that that thought must have helped her, but like. its not normal... and its pretty fucked up that ive been suicidal, my mother has been suicidal, and now my grandpa (her dad) killed himself. he fucking killed himself!!!! what the fuck!! and i continue to be the ONLY PERSON in my ENTIRE FAMILY who tries to seek help through medication and therapy and just like, at least fucking acknowledge that we have hereditary fucking issues in the form of trauma and mental illness.... its just a mess.

and of course my mother and grandmothers top concern is What If Hes Not In Heaven. cause suicide is a sin. cause thats what we should be focused on ?!?!? sigkapfilwkflamcnwgkqj . it makes me want to scream.

ive just been surrounded by suicide my whole goddamn life and i wish it would end. my close friend attempted when i was 15 and i had no fucking clue what to do. multiple others i was close to at school were struggling with similar thoughts and urges, including myself. we were all desperately trying to hold eachother together, you know? far too much to handle for a bunch of kids. and then i went to uni, and my new friends there had similar issues, and in 2nd year, one of them did kill themself. they took their fathers gun and they shot themself in the head. and did my mother help me feel better? only until i mentioned suicide. once that was out there, there was ZERO sympathy, just judgement, and dismissal of their struggles. which really, really hurt me. because they were trans, and they couldnt handle how harsh this world is towards us, and obviously i really related to that sentiment.

like, i understand my grandpa too. i dont... i dont blame him personally? i dont even really blame my mother personally, when it comes to these kinds of issues. sometimes i will get mad at her about specific interactions but at the end of the day its russian society that made both of them this way. its so deeply ingrained. i just wish i could have helped my grandpa and i wish i could help my mama now but i cant. i can barely help myself.

and ive had to take time off work because i cant fucking focus and i just keep crying all the time and my brain is a foggy mess. and i dont know how to keep going. when will i feel better? i need to get back to work. will i be able to do that??

when my friend died... well, i call them my friend, but we were not close or anything. they were one of my good friend's roommates. we did talk occasionally and were on friendly terms. it just feels wrong to say "acquaintance" or something like that. i didnt process their death in a very timely manner. its weird but common, i think. about 2 years after it happened i started getting triggered by any content with suicide by gun. surprisingly common in media lol. folks love to hold a gun to their head on tv!! (side note: first movie i ever watched with my now fiancee, it was get out and when the guy shoots himself suddenly at the end i had a full blown fucking meltdown lmaooooooo so embarrassing it was like our 3rd date and the night of our first kiss)

idk why it took 2 years for that to start happening, i guess that was just my processing time. and then it took another two years or so to sort that out in therapy and im finally okay again and i can watch stuff with guns and suicide and not freak out. but now im scared of how this thing with my grandpa is going to affect me and how long thats going to last. i just want some peace and quiet :(

if u read all that, thank u. maybe give this a like to let me know. ive been deleting my vent posts a lot lately so idk if i will keep this up. my friends have been lovely and supportive, theres just not much anyone can really say to make it better. so it feels more comfortable to do a massive vent post like this thats optional to engage with. and ive always aired out my personal business on here so it feels right hehe.

[crushisms]

Just a big personal rant about being touch starved but afraid of intimacy. Being aromantic but desperately wanting a partner. And also just my fucked up head

Been realizing lately that im incredibly touch starved. Thinking back to the first romantic relationship i ever had, my girlfriend Sam, I always wanted to be touching her. Holding her hand as we walked through. Leaning against her shoulder on the schoolbus as I fell asleep.

I was always so upset when she would deny me these things, typically because it was the south and we were two gay middleschoolers. She grew up here around that atmosphere, saw the homphobia and I didn’t, so i didn’t really understand it.

I was really shit at romantic relationships (Likely because I didn’t realize i was Aromantic yet), and I think the main thing I wanted was that physical closeness all the time. I don’t blame her at all for it, but I think that was what broke the camels back for me. 

Before her, I had a lot of male friends and I was around a lot of male predators online. I never quite realised how it would affect me, but I wanted their attention all the time and whenever they talked about how they wanted to touch me, i liked it but i was also so uncomfortable with it. They wanted sexual relationships and I wanted to hold someone. After them i was terrified of being in relationships with guys, even platonically. Because of them I thought I was a lesbian. 

I think when she shrugged off my affection, it made me think that people didnt want to touch me. That combined with the insecurity I had about my body when she helped me realise I was trans just made for a horrible jumble of emotions. 

I shied away from people touching me after that, Teachers putting their hand on my shoulder, my mom’s attempts to kiss my cheek, and even with my brother who i love more than anything. I didn’t want people to touch me, but at the same time I really really wanted to lean against someone. 

My second girlfriend was years later. Sometime during highschool, I really drifted away from all my IRL friends and even Sam who i stayed really close with even after i was really cruel when we broke up. I started having a lot of online friends, and I met my second girlfriend Liv. She was a great friend of mine, and It makes me sad how far we drifted apart after we broke up. With her i could talk about physical contact, i could draw our sonas holding eachother and being in love, but as it progressed I realised I didnt feel the same way she did. 

When i broke up with her, its what made me really realise I was aromantic. I toyed with the label after sam, but I was so in love with the idea of a partner that I shrugged it off and called myself asexual instead. After Liv i realised that i was very much Aromantic, i just couldnt feel that way about them, but it fucked with me so bad because..  still wanted a partner. I didnt want a romantic relationship, but I wanted a friend i could cuddle with, do anything with, my other half. 

After i graduated from highschool, I lost touch with almost every single one of my IRL friends. I still keep contact with two of them to this day, but other than that i dont have a single friend IRL. I gravitated heavily towards my online friends and relationships, since they were all i had left. 

I met some great people and I love them more than anything in the world but i constantly wish i could be right there with them. Grabbing them by the shoulders with excitement, shaking them. Wrapping my arms around them and laying against their chests. 

I’m realizing now theres an exact fucking word for what i want. Queer Platonic Relationship. I want that kind of closeness without the expectation of romance. I need that kind of relationship and it makes me so viscerally sad that I cannot get the closeness I want from the friends I have. I just want to get on a plane and fly over to my friends and hold them close. 

Its really funny I think, how ive been experiencing all of this for years, and ive never thought about it. Ive never gone and unpacked it all before. I’ve been writing more lately, and through that writing its making me realise these things about myself. Theres no real purpose or message or anything behind this rant, I just need to get these horrible little thoughts out of my head. 

I’m gonna go back to writing fics now instead of this monstrosity, but if u read this uhhh hi thanks for dealing with me i guess? Im a mess but i’ll be alright 

[funshinebf]

gender moment venting below idk its kind of long and messy but i was just stream of thoughting about this shit

ive been wondering a bit lately about if i would want to go back on T again in the future. im trying not to worry about crossing that bridge til i get to it, but its just. idk. i sort of feel like if i decide that going back on it isnt right for me, that ive somehow... failed? like. i do not regret going on it! im very happy with my voice deepening, as well as my body hair growth. but i also really struggled with keeping up on my shots, the appointments and bloodwork, as well as the acne and patchy facial hair and how they affected my body image and self esteem. while on one hand, i would Love to have facial hair, i had a really hard time with the awkward phase of it growing in, and i just felt... really, really shitty about my appearence while i was dealing with it. if i could go back on it and instantly have fully formed facial hair and clear skin, i might consider it, but... since thats not possible, i think i'd rather just keep the changes i already got and continue to be off of it.

and like, i know that every trans persons needs and wants in their transition are different, and its okay to not want certain changes, it doesnt make someone less trans. but it just feels like, with how long i was fighting for it, and how desperately i assured everyone around me that it would be good for me... it feels like by stopping it ive just proven them all right. and thats really frustrating for me! because like i said, i dont REGRET doing it, i dont want to get rid of what i did get from it! i just. couldnt handle some of the other effects.

i also feel almost like. it isnt fair to other trans people i know who arent able to start hormones? like, oh, i got on them super easily and now i dont even want them, when other people are still struggling so much and would love to be in my shoes. its so disheartening.

and idk. i know that my reservations about this are most likely just internalized transphobia, but its still.. very upsetting. i dont want anyone to think of me as less of a man, or less valid because of my hesitance to go back on T. and like, i still very much want top surgery, and i have no doubts about my pronouns and expression of my identity. i know who i am, i know what makes me happy, and i know what makes me unhappy! i just wish i didnt have to deal with any of this, pressure i guess? to conform to something that lines up more with a cis persons view of how trans people should be. i dont want to pass as a cis man. i dont think i ever will. i wish how i look didnt affect how people saw my gender, i want to be called 'sir' or 'young man' even when im wearing a full face of makeup and a dress. even when i have long hair and painted nails, even when i walk a certain way or have certain mannerisms or talk a certain way. i dont want any of that to automatically make people assume im a woman, or even use neutral pronouns for me. i just hate having to explain over and over again, that yes i ONLY use he/him, even when i look super feminine or use feminine terms for myself. if i ask someone else not to use feminine terms for me, why is that so hard for some people to understand? it isnt the same as me using it for myself. when i use it for myself its because i know exactly how i mean it and how i view myself when using it. i dont know those things when other people use it. only a select few people that i know for sure view me the way i am are allowed to refer to me that way. this shouldnt be so difficuly to wrap your head around. i know my own intent. i dont know yours. its that fucking simple!

urghhhh, this got a little more ramble-y than i meant it to. whatever. gender beam

[incrementgirls]

Struggling today. I want to masturbate but my feelings are too depressive and painful. Talking about my feelings on my body.

CW: self-harm mention

Lesbophobes and Terfs both obsessively using dicks as imagery representing men, as being innately masculine.

After years of recovering from sex abuse and assault trauma... I finally get to a place where I realize I like my body the way it is now, I'm the whole woman I always wanted to be, and I saw myself with a girldick, even back in jr high, my first furry oc I made on nsfw sites had a girldick, she was the non-op transgirl goal I had even when I didn't know what that meant.

It was so hard getting through the feelings when I first started transitioning, of wanting my dick gone, I was abused with it, assaulted with it, I was told it was masculine, the prevailing symbol of maleness throughout my entire time growing up, surely shedding it would make me a real lesbian, a real woman, and I still have scars on it from some desperate nights where I should have hid my razors. I wanted to do it as revenge against those who hurt me, as a sacrifice to those who shun me, but in the end my body didn't let me thankfully, as I would only have hurt myself.

But after being in a long distance relationship with another trans lesbian for a few years, I let myself relax about it, it didnt matter for now, I'd save up and do the operation someday sure but its just my pee organ. It's funny because both my partners are non-op, I've been very attracted to dickgirls forever, and yet my own relationship with my genitals has been so checkered. After a few years on hormones, my whole body became comfortable, soft, exactly what I had dreamed about, wished for while crying in the shower in jr high. And I reconsidered her. I saw some transfem non-op positivity and I let myself be okay with my girldick, and after a few more years I realize I was coming back to this after all this time. I know a lot of people don't know their transness when young, but I knew all the way back when making my furry oc who I really was.

And then, it all comes crashing back when terfs call trans women with girldicks men, when lesbophobes draw the same parallels, dicks dicks dicks it means soooo fucking much to them when I spent so much of my life hating mine to the point of trying to cut it off until I let myself just think of it as a woman's part, that it could be feminine, not associated with men in any way. I didnt masturbate yesterday so I just wanted some nice brain chemicals today but I can't bring myself to masturbate because of these fucking gross memories and pain brought back by these assholes.

I'm just me, I'm just a woman who is like this, my body has no relation to men, it isn't fair...

[djmousewife]

idk i wish i wasnt as desperate for people to like me and become my friend maybe theyd be more liekly to do those things then but im so generally isolated (everyone ik is so far away) that i am desperate and i just want to be amongst other trans people as well but im so like uncool in the most straightforward way ig ?? idk like i dont have friends so i dont do anything so i have nothing to talk about in terms of what i do so who wants to hang out w me esp all these cool people i want to hang out with and i Try and keep conversations going but its obvious when people aren't interested esp when they straight up just do not reply its all so fucking cyclical and stupid and I thought i found an in with judaism but the girl who wouldve been my in totally let me down recently and i didnt tell her that bc shed flaked on me like a dozen times anyway so like i dont think shed have cared or maybe she would have idk but probs not im fairly insignificant in her life and yeah its 5am and i haven't slept but considering that im still right idc!! like i really am trying to make friends but nothing works and it didnt work at uni and it didnt work at any of my jobs and i have no hobbies and v few friends to meet new people so yeah

[inkubye]

thinking about the musculoskeletal problems ive been living with for over half a decade as a result of 7 years of p much daily binding,, like damn.... this year ive been continuously discovering new ways in which being trans + transitioning has physically and psychologically traumatised me

[detransexual]

Im struggling with femininity at this point in my detransition. I have so many thoughts about it, ill try to not go on forever but bear with me.

I know i dont have to be 100% gender non conforming, i know a long flowy dress in summer isnt exactly anti feminist, but it certainly isnt rejecting the ideals that are already in place either. I dont like wearing makeup, it fucks with my perception of myself, but being able to cover up the ever present shadow of facial hair is really relieving. I dont like wearing bras, but a very slightly cupped/padded sportsbra makes a (surprisingly) big difference in making me look like a flatchested woman rather than a dude. I dont like the concept of plastic surgery or surgery in general, but i would love to look more normal even without prosthetics or just a bra, i would to look a little closer to what i should have been like. I miss them the most in the context of sex, and it makes me sad that i always bound and hid them from my girlfriends rather than allow my whole body to be loved and seen as acceptable. Even though im happier about my chest now than i was pre surgery, i wish it had just been a reduction, scars (even of the size i have now) wouldnt be nearly as painful a reminder than the (almost, there's still like, a little more breast tissue than a bio male with my body weight/muscle/fat ratio would have? ) complete lack of tissue.

There are things im happy about, and i was actually a bit sad to notice my body hair has gotten lighter and that my clitoris is not as sensitive or quite as "full"/big as it was on T, because im still really happy about those changes, they've both made me feel MORE comfortable as a woman and in my body.

I dont think id dislike my voice as much if people, particularly (or perhaps exclusively?) other women, still recognised me as a woman with it. Its not a bad voice, its just not really mine, and its not a voice i can freely use without thought or consequence. my voice was already quite deep, especially if i wanted it to be, so it would have been better as it was.

There's still a lot that i dont know where i stand, and since ive always been unsure of who i am and shit, and since ive been so certain in things i was wrong about, its hard to commit, its scary. Both permanent changes and coming out again are very distant, both because i need time and because it takes time to get help again.

But all of this is making me struggle with femininity, it makes it easier to pass, and in turn not be reminded of the whole ordeal, although it also makes me more focused on it, which is probably gonna turn out just as harmful as when i was focusing on the opposite in my original transition.

I dont want to buy into exploitative and objectifying behavioirs, but i feel very very isolated and alienated from other women, something ive felt since i was very, very small, but this is different.

Feeling alienated as a kid was rough, and i desperately clung to what was expected of me, trying to fit in, trying to make myself "right", and ofcourse it was painful, but it was more internal than external.

During my trans-identified years, the alienation became explainable, and being alienated from other girls and women felt like a given, ofcourse thats how it was supposed to be since i was a boy! And i didnt feel trult alienated from boys until i was in my late teens and early 20s living stealth, and suddenly i had to pretend to be someone else in order to fit in. there was a huge difference between being the tomboy friend and actually being "one of the boys". You hear and see very different things when they dont think there's any girls or women around.

But after realising i neither could nor wanted to fit in with men, i gradually realised i was no longer just feeling alienated from other women, but i actually was. Its hard to connect with other women, make friends or exist in female spaces when you're no longer seen as a woman if you open your mouth, and i know thats nothing that overt femininity would change, but i honestly dont know how else to "compensate".

Meeting other detrans women has been wonderful, and i definitely wish i knew more gnc and butch women, but i just cant seem to find any in real life, ive yet to find any real women's spaces that arent "for women and anyone who doesnt identify as a cis-man :)".

I dont want to have to be feminine to be seen as a woman, i dont want to reinforce to myself or others that womanhood=femininity, i dont want to reinforce or portray detransition as meaning becoming genderconforming or like "accepting" and falling into stereotypes or "becoming a REAL woman" through femininity and gender roles. I dont want that, but i dont know how to balance what i want for myself with what would make my own existence less painful and what i think is "right".

I want to be able to be a visbly gender non conforming WOMAN rather than being seen as a gender conforming man, but being a gender conforming woman often makes ne appear and sometimes feel more like a gender non conforming man anyway. I dont know how to balance it all, and im torn between wanting to be a boghag and wanting to perform excessive femininity.

[skullvins]

random fuckin gender ramble scroll if ur not interested in my gender bs

aaarrrggg i hate that radfem bs has caused me to still associate butch and femme with being lesbian only terms (even though i KNOW they’re not) and thus making me associate both of them with being women, even though i KNOW theyre historically not. its so hard to unlearn???

like, the overlapping lesbian/butch/transmasc history is so hard to navigate as a funky lil enby/genderqueer because a lot of terms are either too masc or too fem for me to be comfortable with, and now that im TRYING to explore exactly how my masculinity and femininity work its so weird!!!

I’m in solidarity with queer men and queer women, both trans and cis or gnc or whatever and figuring out my personal relationships with those communities is hard!!! I relate to my cis female peers as someone who’s only started socially transitioning in recent years, I relate to their issues as someone who doesn’t pass well, I relate to transmascs in terms of wanting to be seen as more masculine, in wanting to physically transition, i relate to trans mlm in terms of sexuality, i relate to lesbians/wlw in terms of sexuality too! some of the best comfort and solidarity ive found is in amab enbies and even some transfems when it comes to comfort and gender expression. the two amab demiguys i know make me feel comfortable exploring masculinity because i feel safe around them BECAUSE they’re not cis, and like, i can be ‘one of the guys’ with them without having to be A GUY, and i relate so so so hard to gnc guys or amab enbies when it comes to presentation. i almost want to transition JUST so i can reembrace femininity in a masculine way.

i dunno, i feel this insane pressure outside of the queer community to either be as masc as possible to pass and be taken seriously, and that’s gotta be at least partially due to the way radfem bs has spread, especially here in the uk.

i wanna be read as masc, i wanna be read as fem, i wanna be incomprehensible! I wanna wear men’s shirts and t shirts and polo shirts with a skirt because i can!! because skirts are fun and cute and i enjoy wearing them. i really do wish i was amab because it would be so much easier to present the way i want to, I think, but then again, i don’t have bottom dysphoria, not really.

all this changes though, really i might just be genderfluid, but i hate the binary connotations of that too. so many enby words are stolen or defined in terms of binary gender: being bigender to most means being male or female, being genderfluid means being fluid between them, being nonbinary is being not male or female, when people equate being nonbinary to being genderless it kills me because I am not binary! but i am not genderless! my gender is here and present and part of me and part of my relation with the world around me and with other people and part of my sexuality and orientation

i dunno, this is turning into a big queer rant. this isn’t me trying to shove labels onto myself, I’m fine with rejecting them if that’s what’s needed - i don’t define my sexuality any further than queer even though hypothetically i could probably id as bi or pan or any mspec label, but I choose not to because being QUEER is my orientation. perhaps my gender as well (i do id as genderqueer as well as enby) but i want to really truly understand my gender AS queer, rather than just brush it off as queer because I cannot define it to myself or understand it. i want to understand my relation to the world around me and to other queer people.

so am I butch? am I femme? maybe it changes? is that allowed to change from day to day? my gender doesn’t FEEL like it changes but that presentation does, maybe! maybe I need to try new pronouns, but using she/her like i want to is hard when i associate it with misgendering and failing to prove myself as trans enough to cis people.

i wanna be masc with women and fem with men, but the latter is hard due to fears that come from experiences with misogyny. a lot of cis men ARE scary to me - I’m an 18 year old afab for fucks sake. i wish i could have that re-embraced femininity, but I’m not flat when i bind or build masc or tall or fuckin. anything! and hormones aren’t an option yet because a lot of my mental health is too unstable, the nhs is in shambles, and I don’t have money. i can’t embrace that yet unless im in the right circles, with the right people, and i can’t be that in society, I don’t trust it. I don’t know if I wanna dress fem and have people see me as masc or fem, i don’t know what pronouns i want them to use, i dunno man!!!

i wanna reach out to older queer people but again its hard, we’re in lockdown, i don’t live somewhere with a big queer community, i’m not a fan of bars and such and there’s not any in my town so i’d have to travel a bit, i wish i could just feel at home!!! i wanna be feminine without being female but also without being male, at least not fully male! I’m not male, i have this connection to femininity and it doesn’t feel male to me, I don’t want to be included in explicitly male or explicitly female spaces, I wanna be with everyone or no one, i dunno

again, i wish butch and femme didnt feel so gendered to me personally, and that’s not just this site but also what ive grown up with, my mum used to always say i was a wannabe ‘butch lezza’ whenever i was trying to get her to take my NONBINARY identity seriously and I’m not that! not because it’s bad to be, but because that’s just not me. I’m not a wlw, I’m not even sure on my attraction to women, or to men, or to anyone, I’m just attracted to queerness, and i dunno it’s hard. being ‘butch’ to me, somewhat, still means wlw, even though it’s not true, and i hate how radfem bs has ruined the word for me. i wish i could understand my identity in terms of being butch or femme, or whatever i am, and i wish those words weren’t tainted for me in the first place. i guess all of us are just ‘failed women’ in the eyes of society, huh.

characters who are feminine, but still explicitly male, or have some relation with masculinity, or are fluid between it, or who return to masculinity as a default give me so much euphoria just to witness. I’m in desperate need of a haircut and i don’t know whether to grow it out properly again or cut it short

either way, I’m gonna dye it purple

[wiltking]

This is a question you can't answer for me, but im seriously wondering (again) if im a trans man or not lol. Considering that you're trans, can i just ask how do you know? Like what was the idk final thing that made you go okay that's me?

Thank you if you answer! 💛

well. every trans person is gonna tell you a different story for how they ‘knew’. some stories have similarities but a lot of them are wildly different and that doesnt make any of us less trans.

i can tell you that for me personally my gender crisis started in tandem with puberty. and this was before i knew transgender was a word and that there were other people in the world like me. there was a day when i was 14 where it built up so much inside me that i desperately googled ‘what does it mean to feel like you have a boy living inside you’ and well. thats when i knew for the first time. but i still spent several (miserable) years trying to be a girl and trying to be okay with living as a girl, mostly for my family’s benefit, and it just didnt work. every day there was a gnawing pain taking up every fiber of my being that kept telling me that i was living a lie and that to truly live and truly be myself i had to accept that i wasnt a woman and i’ll never be a woman. i knew i was trans every time someone treated me as a woman. i knew i was trans every time someone called me by my name. every time someone had a crush on me because they (rightfully so) thought i was a woman. every time i opened my mouth and talked with a voice that wasnt my own. every time i tried to picture my future and kept coming up with nothing. quite simply, living as a woman put me into the deepest depression i have ever experienced and im still picking up pieces of myself that i lost having gone through that, and making newer, better pieces. and the craziest thing is, after all that, i still have days where i question if im wrong. mostly because of trauma i guess. but after being on testosterone for two and a half years and feeling for the first time since i was like 12 that i truly felt like myself, that i was really truly alive, and then having to go off testosterone this year, i experienced a revelation that being on hrt was the right choice for me. unequivocally. living as a man has brought me a level of peace and happiness that i didnt know was possible when you’re trans. but, really, i think that’s what being trans is all about - seeking that sense of peace and happiness.

so yeah, i would say im pretty sure these days. and im sure i’ll continue to have moments that tell me ‘yes, this is right’ for the rest of my life. like when i meet a new person and they only know me as my new name. or when my mom uses masculine verbs for me in russian. or when receptionists at doctor visits are surprised at my age because they think im a young man at first. or when people over the phone call me ‘sir’.

i havent even mentioned body dysphoria, which i do have a bad history with. but the social stuff is just as big of an indicator for me. a reassurance, these days. im still a guy no matter what my body looks like. im a guy because it feels right, compared to the alternative.

but thats just me. even if you’re not trans, i hope you find the answers you’re looking for. and if you are, i wish you all the best. i really can’t offer you much more than that. but i’m sure it’ll all make sense someday. there’s no rush to put yourself into a box, either. as long as you keep making choices that feel right for you, that improve your quality of life, then you’re on the right track.