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lucascecil · 2 years

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Something I read - The Bodysnatchers

I started reading the EDAs some months ago - wanted to do it faster, but I found The Eight Doctor quite a boring insufferable read. I talked about it a lot on my old twitter page - I made a new one last week - but there weren’t really any coeherent thoughts so I don’t plan to do a post like this for that book. Same for Vampire Science, even though I loved that one.

I want to briefly talk about them before reposting here my live reaction that I organized in a twitter thread, about the Bodysnatchers, as I intend to do so with every book from now.

The Eight Doctors was terrible. I do understand its intention of introducing the series to a new audience by going back to key moments (kinda), but it wasn’t specially well written and I don’t like how much Eight interfere with his own past - it takes agency away from past incarnations and I really - really! - don’t like that. Six and Seven parts were fine, but the way to get there was tortuous.The Sam scenes were what interested me most.

Then we have Vampire Science, a much better book and a much better introduction to the range. It’s fun and has a lot of great characters that really make you invested. It nails Eight’s characterization and gives Sam an internal conflict that I found interesting. There were some really good dialogues - Eight was great with Joanna, and I found Kramer dynamic with Sam nice too.

Finally, let’s get to the Bodysnatchers. Here are my thought and some bits of the book that I wanted to highlight.

Chapter I

The opening scene is good, maybe even the best use of Zygons to tell a horror tale I’ve seen up to now (and I wish it’d be more like this.

'The best-laid schemes...' he murmured wistfully, placing the magazine in his lap. Now in his eighth incarnation, he was a far more settled character than the majority of his previous incarnations had been. Nevertheless, his last violent regeneration, during which he had come closer to death than ever before, had shaken up his molecules so comprehensively that certain aspects of his character had come to the fore that had previously been buried so deeply within him they had seemed virtually nonexistent.

His romantic nature, for one. And his tendency to babble about his origins, for another. During his post-regenerative trauma, he had given of himself so freely, so uninhibitedly, that his scrupulously guarded secrets might just as well have been baubles, trinkets, of little or no value.

His plan, after his bittersweet parting from Grace - the woman at whom his perhaps misplaced attentions had been directed -had been to travel alone for a while, to contemplate, take stock, rediscover the silent, still point within himself. However, as usual, events had contrived to overtake him, and now he had Sam aboard. Seventeen years old, socially aware, brave, outspoken, full of enthusiasm and a sense of wonder that she tried to conceal beneath a patina of streetwise indifference ('cool' she'd probably call it), she was both a tonic and a burden - inspirational and maddening in equal measure.

The Doctor turned his thoughts from his companion and back to himself, which was something he had little enough time for these days. He looked around at his library - the tall bookshelves, the darkly ornate fixtures and fittings, the flickering candles in their holders, the Tiffany lamps, the plush, intricately patterned carpet - and he nodded in approval. Yes, this suited him very well. This, for now, reflected his inner mood and character: sombre, thoughtful, tasteful, but with a hint of the impressive and the unusual too.

'And so modest, Doctor,' he murmured, gently mocking himself. It had started in his last incarnation, this sense of self-awareness, of his own very definite place in the complex machinations of the universe. One might almost call it a sense of grandeur, if such a phrase didn't stray too close, dangerously close in fact, to the way in which many of his foes viewed themselves.

I’m not sure how much I like Sam. She had some interesting emotional beats but sometimes she gets on my nerves - which is comprehensible since she’s a teenager.

There is a scene at the end of the chapter where she and the Doctor debate about the health of a man that brings on a interesting moral dilemma and that is an curious contrast to what happens in Deimons/Ressurection of Mars (released years later than the books) since Eight’s attitude here is completely the opposite of what he did there.

I can imagine without much trouble how we got from this point to that one, in my futile but fun attempt to reconcile the EDAs to Big Finish.

Chapter II

Up to now it’s been a nice trip to victorian London and I’ve been reading the Litefoot bit with a smile in my face.

He took a sip of his brandy. The Doctor watched him do so with genuine affection. Litefoot must be almost sixty now, and though he had a few more wrinkles and a slightly wider girth than the last time they had met, he was still basically the same old Litefoot. Despite his gentlemanly appearance and rather formal behaviour, by Victorian standards he was actually something of a rebel. He had outraged his parents by leaving the army, in which his family had a long and honourable tradition, and becoming a doctor in one of London's poorer hospitals in the East End. For the last twenty years of his life, his father had refused to speak to him, a situation which Litefoot regarded as eminently regrettable, but which nevertheless had not swayed him from his chosen path.

This bit is so good:

The ear-splitting roar of machinery was a sound that filled the heads and lives of factory workers around the country. It was a sound they could never escape from, for even in their sleep the echoes went on and on, permeating their dreams. For many, the sound was almost a physical burden; it weighed them down, bowed their heads, slumped their shoulders. Many were pummelled into deafness by it, and a not inconsiderable number even driven insane. For the factory owners, the businessmen and the politicians, this, however, was the roar of progress.

Chapter III

The plot is speeding up and I’m liking the side characters as much as Vampire Science’s. It’s been a nice read up to now. I’ve expectations to what they do with Emmeline, specially. I know that I just said Sam gets on my nerves, but I’m already missing her. It’s been quite some pages since she last appeared and I want to know more about where this story takes her.

So here he was, caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. It was after midnight. The moon was wrapped in cloud, making it dark as Newgate's knocker. He was standing chin-deep with Jack in yet another cold grave, his back and arms aching with fatigue. His head was swimming with the stink of manure, which, though disgusting, was at least preferable to the stink of the dead. All he could see around him were tombstones and crooked, leafless trees swathed in fog. Sometimes, in his more fanciful moments, he imagined that the trees were the twisted, angry souls of those whose graves he and Jack had defiled.

I’m having fun with the grave robbers.

Oh, and just because I missed Sam, she’s back. There’s a really interesting scene with the Doctor and her that I want to highlight. I’m praising any EDA scene that discuss gender and sexuality identity, no matter how small it is.

Sam had felt anger rising in her, tightening across her shoulders, cramming the back of her throat. In a strained voice she had said, 'I don't want you protecting me, Doctor. And I certainly don't want you deciding what I can and can't see or do. I can make my own choices, you know. I thought you respected that, I thought you respected me. I have enough sexist crap without -'

'This has nothing to do with your gender,' interjected the Doctor, quietly but firmly.

'Sure,' Sam said.

'It hasn't, Sam. It's just... well, you're seventeen -'

'Ageist as well as sexist now -'

'Listen to me. '

There was not exactly anger in his voice, but his tone nevertheless had the same effect as his banging the flat of his hand down hard on an unyielding surface. Sam clammed up and looked at him.

Quietly he said, 'Sam, you're young.That is a fact. And however tough you may think you are, however much you may think you can take, you are not a superwoman: you are a thinking, feeling, caring human being, and therefore not immune to the psychological effects of extreme trauma. This isn't a failing, Sam. I've seen hardened, combat-trained soldiers weeping, catatonic, driven half mad by the nightmares of what they've seen and experienced on the field of battle. You wouldn't be a properly functioning Human being if you didn't have such emotions.'

Also:

Travelling with me is not some kind of endurance test, Sam. You don't get points for the number of atrocities you can witness before teatime.'

Jesus.

Every time Litefoot talks about Leela is like a hug.

Chapter IV

I’m actually liking the action scenes in the EDAs so far even thought they are quite simple. Almost nothing happens (spoilers from the future - the ending of this book is brutal) but they are so tense.

What gets to me most to is this focus on what Sam sees as wrong actions of her as a companion to the Doctor. It was her main conflict in Vampire Science and it’s also important in this book. For exemple:

That, she promised herself, was the last time she would ever freeze. From now on, she would remain alert, would force herself to keep thinking, whatever the situation.

Knowning some of where her character arc goes - I got some spoilers, but I don’t really care - I ask myself if this was intentional or just coincidence. For now I think it’s a good decision. She reminds me a bit of Flip, even though they are obviously very different characters. But in the sense that they doubt their place besides the Doctor quite a bit? Oh yes, it does.

Jesus, the next scene with Emmeline in her house is such a highlight. It’s so tense and so well written.

I can’t deny it: Sam characterization as a teenager is on point. Everything she feels is painfully human - comprehensible and usually comes with some degree of self-councious that makes you symphatize with her anyways.

She is gentle as much she is mean, and if that’s not human I don’t know what is.

Emmeline gave a slight nod and began to tell her story, speaking in an oddly detached voice as if the cold force of her shock had frozen solid her emotions. As the tale unfolded, Sam found her capricious resentment evaporating, to be replaced by compassion, horror, and not a little self-loathing. As the girl described how she had slammed and locked the front door with the slavering, burning-eyed creature that was masquerading as her father mere inches behind her, Sam clenched her teeth and had to repress an urge to move forward, put her arms around the girl and comfort her as the Doctor had done.

This actually got a smile out of me:

'Sir, my mother is dead and my father possessed by I know not what. Now, I have heard much of what you have said, and though I do not profess to comprehend it all, I do know that you intend to hunt down and expose the evil protagonists of these awful crimes. With this in mind, I would ask that I be permitted to accompany you. Surely I, more than anyone present, have a great deal of hurt to repay?'

Sam felt like applauding, but contented herself with a hearty, 'You tell 'em, girl.'

Chapter V

There has been a lot of scenes about Sam’s conflicted feelings so far that really tells you what kind of person she is.

Again, she has this constant need of aproval that I found very interesting. But she is also projecting herself, and her own insecurities, onto Emmeline, even if her worries are genuine about the girl lack of reaction - anyone would thought that she was in shock.

Also...

She turned to say something, but the Doctor was already at her shoulder. Absently he patted her arm. 'Brave heart, Tegan,' he murmured.

It’s cool that the Doctor lost his mind into himself sometimes, it’s to be expected of someone as old as he is. And... I hadn’t thought of comparing Sam to Tegan and I’m laughing because it makes sense. There are some things Sam did this chapter that I can easily picture Tegan doing for the same reasons.

'Yes, though only a small warrior faction. I encountered them about ninety years from now, give or take a decade or so. They had crash-landed on Earth centuries before. I knew very little about them at the time, but I've read various texts since. They're a fascinating species, a hermaphrodite race. Each adult is able to produce and self-fertilise its own eggs, which it lays in clusters of between five and twenty, three or four times a lifetime.

Their society is divided quite rigidly into warrior-engineers, scientists and civilians. However, to become a warrior-engineer, which is considered a great honour, a Zygon must first undergo the ritual of sterilisation.This has the effect of drawing out their fierce but latent aggressiveness and, supposedly, making them more single-minded in battle.'

'Stupid, you mean,' said Sam, 'like most men.'

'Interestingly,' said the Doctor, ignoring the interruption, 'an added effect of sterilisation is that it alters not only the Zygon's personality, but also its appearance. In its natural state a Zygon has smooth, creamy-white skin and is dainty, almost feminine, in appearance.After sterilisation, however, its body fills out, its skin colour deepens to a reddish-orange as it becomes suffused with blood, and it develops body armour, rather like a porcupine raising its quills, in the form of suckers which, if a Zygon is attacked, release a deadly poison.'

It’s an interesting addition to what we knew of the Zygons.

They really told us about that twist at the end the whole chapter, and yet I was surprised.

Chapter VI

This book is taking the Zygons to a new direction that I wish the modern series would explore more of and that I’d really like if was more in focus in the expanded universe. The aunt Pat arc has an interesting approach that is similar to this that I quite like.

Tuval looked at him, blinking as though roused from sleep. 'Intriguing technology. 'The Zygon referred to what appeared to be nothing more than a rock inset with hundreds of tiny glittering crystals that it held in the palm of its hand.The crystals were changing colour constantly in apparently random patterns. 'Many of these materials appear inorganic, and yet my readings indicate an unknown organic component present in each separate structure, which therefore seems to indicate an organic uniformity, not entirely unlike our own technology.'

'Really?' said the Doctor, as if this was news to him.

'Furthermore, I am picking up energy emissions which are... structured but nonrepetitive. Incredibly complex.'

'Like thought patterns, do you mean?' asked the Doctor innocently, and nodded. 'Yes, the old girl has always been a deep thinker.'

'Your craft is alive?' said Tuval, astonished.

'In a sense,' said the Doctor. 'It's an inevitable consequence when technology gets pushed beyond a certain barrier. After all, Tuval, what are you and I but organic machines?' Picking up a cup from the tray, he offered it to the Zygon scientist.'Drink up before it gets cold.'

It’s always nice when the aknowledge the TARDIS as a character.

Chapter VII

It was a short chapter but so well written. The plot goes on, it put each character in place so that the third act begins, and there is some really tense scenes. There are more horror moments here that are superb. One scene even surprised me as I didn’t expect something so violent from a BBC book.

Chapter VIII

'Ah,' said the Doctor,'now that's the clever bit. To quote the chap who sold me the suit, "Whenceforth ever your respiratory doings is, daxamoil will expungify the requisital elementals from its own self and henceforth make a donatory prize to your respiratory systematic. Comprendino?’

'Just about,' said Sam. 'So what's the catch?'

'There isn't one. Not in our case anyway. Now, if you were to wear the suit for three or four hours, then there would be a problem, because the more chemical elements that the suit donates to the wearer to allow him or her to breathe, the more brittle and opaque it becomes. In the end, the suit would simply deteriorate, flake by flake, like dry skin.'

Such a good alien technology concept.

I am a bit in shock with the twist at the end of this chapter, it’s such a brave take that I didn’t expect from any Doctor Who media at all. I like it in thesis and I’m interested in where this is going.

Chapter IX

" 'Mama,' she gasped, blinking at the Doctor. 'Where's Mama?'

She staggered forward. The Doctor held out his arms to catch her should she fall.'I don't know,' he said gently. 'What's the last thing you remember?'

She looked bewildered, as if her mind was a complete blank, then horror crossed her face. 'My father,' she whispered. 'My father killed her. He had...' She held out her hands and looked at them as if they appalled her. A murmur of disquiet rippled around the group that the Doctor had awoken, most of whom were employees of Nathaniel Seers.

'No,' the Doctor said, raising his voice to be heard above the mounting hubbub. 'It wasn't your father who killed her. Your father is here, as much a prisoner as you are.' He indicated the cubicle beside Emmeline's.

Emmeline turned, saw her father for the first time, gave a shriek and clutched at the Doctor.

Chapter X

Realising what he was trying to do, the woman retaliated, snarling and spitting and clawing at his face with filthy nails. Undeterred, Jack hit her again, snapping her head back. The woman went limp, all but unconscious, and Jack heaved her on to the windowsill. 'Here, dragon,' he called again, and gave the woman a shove. Her body fell fifty feet to the cobbled ground below. The monster pounced on it immediately.

What a terrible human being.

Emmeline and I gave him mouth-to-mouth and heart massage for ages, but he didn't respond,' said Sam. Her voice was calm, matter-of-fact, but suddenly she gave a deep, shuddering sob.The Doctor looked at her.

Tears were rolling down her cheeks. She looked stricken, but tried to cover up the expression with the hand she clapped to her mouth.

'Sam,' he said, reaching towards her.

She stepped back and almost angrily said, 'I'm all right, just ignore me.'

'Sam, it's all right to let it out now and again.

'No it isn't. You never do.'

She turned her back and walked away, further down the towpath.The Doctor sighed, then went after her. He stood three paces behind her and looked out over the river.

'Sam, I'm an alien,' he said gently. 'You don't want to use me as a role model. I'm different from you. I react differently.'

She made a spluttering sound that was halfway between weeping and laughing. 'Who said anything about role models? Arrogant sod.'

He smiled, and suddenly she swung round on him. Her nose and eyes were red, but her face was set.

'Don't you ever get upset?' she said. 'Don't you grieve when people die? Doesn't it ever all just get on top of you?'

'Oh yes,' he said quietly.

'Then why don't you bloody well show it?'

'I can't afford to,' he said. 'I keep it all in here.' He tapped himself on the chest.

‘Well, that's no good for you, is it? You'll get an ulcer.'

I love this scene.

One thing they could not get used to, however, were the bodies strewn among the wreckage. Many were little more than half-devoured chunks of meat, no longer recognisable as human; others resembled bags of guts that had burst beneath the immense weight of Skarasen feet.

It was not until she saw the head of a child attached to nothing more than a bloody length of spinal column, however, that Sam felt her gorge rise.

I said so before, but this book has some graphic descriptions that are so disturbing.

Right now I’m fond of Sam, but every time she dumps her insecurites at Emmeline I cringe.

What she didn't like really, she supposed, was the fact that he still saw a need to protect her at times, to keep her out of things, which seemed to suggest that he didn't think her as capable or as helpful as she liked to think she was. She wanted to be indispensable to him, wanted to be an equal half of a dynamic duo that would become feared and revered throughout the galaxy. She knew she'd made mistakes, shown weaknesses, but how could she put that right if he shielded her by rushing forward alone whenever they were in a perilous situation? For all that, she thought that now probably wasn't the right time to show her worth or argue the toss. She'd talk to him later, once all this was over, find out where she stood. That, of course, was if he didn't get gobbled up by a Skarasen or trampled to death by horses in the next couple of minutes.

The resolution to the main problem in London is simples, but was established really early in the novel, so it works. It’s a nice conclusion to a book that I enjoyed a lot. If I have anything to add, I’d love another chapter that focused more on the characters recovery and the trauma they went on, but that’s fine.

Epilogue

It kinda does with Litefoot what I asked for in the previous chapter while also leaving you curious about what happened - what was left unsaid by the Doctor.

Also...

'I'm not of this world. I'm a traveller in time and space. I walk in eternity.'

#bookshelf #Eighth Doctor #EDAs #basically a translation (i'm brazilian) of my live tweeting while reading this book #doctor who

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amandaoftherosemire · 5 years

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For She Had Eyes...

Fandom: Marvel Avengers AU

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader

Characters: Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes, Natasha Romanoff, Sam Wilson, Unnamed OFC!Hallway Blonde

Author: @amandaoftherosemire

Rating: Explicit

Word Count: 5,146

Format: Two-part series

Warning: Smut, 18+ only, language, unintentional voyeurism, female masturbation, mild angst, embarrassment.

Summary: After accidentally catching Steve in an intimate moment, you can’t stop thinking about it.

A/N: This was inspired by a piece of fanart that I saw that I can’t find now to save my damn life. It was of Steve and Sharon against a wall, mostly clothed, him in a tux and her in a red dress, and I loved it. (If anyone knows what I’m talking about, please let me know so I can credit the artist.)

However, I personally hate how the fandom has treated Sharon Carter at times, so I tend not to vilify her if I can help it. To be clear, Hallway Blonde is NOT Sharon Carter.

I only split this into two parts because of the word count. It was one of those stories that showed up in my brain and wouldn’t shut up until I got it out of there and out of the way. I hope y’all like it!

For She Had Eyes

You didn’t mean to do it. You weren’t trying to peep. But jeez, if he didn’t want anyone to see, then why the hell was he in one of the corridors? Not that you were complaining. You were, but about the fact that you had to stop watching. Really. You had to. In a second.

You'd been heading back to your rooms from the communal kitchen after you’d woken up starving and embarked on an after-midnight foraging expedition. With the slice of pie and the soda you’d acquired, you were quietly padding back to your rooms when the gasping breaths and soft slap of flesh on flesh alerted you to someone else’s presence and their probable current activity.

Expecting Bucky or even Sam, you’d put your training to use and snuck toward the sound rather than away in the hopes of witnessing something you could leverage against them later. They were fun guys, but you needed any ammunition you could get in the unending friendly battle. Catching them in the act of either getting laid or making do could be excellent ammunition.

Which may be why you'd frozen when you peeked around the corner to one of the corridors in the private areas to spy Steve there with some blonde you only vaguely recognized pinned against the wall.

Your eyes widened, but you didn't move, greedily drinking in the sight of Steve, mostly dressed, as he pounded silently into the woman panting in his arms. You knew you should leave, as quietly as possible, respecting Steve's privacy. You stayed, however, for far longer than you were proud of, imprinting the image of Steve in the throes of passion on your retinas.

Though the light was dim, there was more than enough for you to see that Steve Rogers was fucking beautiful lost in pleasure.

His high cheekbones were flushed gorgeous pink, sharp jaw clenched, cheek muscle twitching. His long fingers dug into the woman’s thighs to hold her up and against the wall, in place for his thrusting hips. You could see the muscles of his thighs and ass flexing as he slammed harder into her, driving muffled gasps of pleasure from her lips.

You were grateful for that, as her sounds would hopefully mask your speeding breathing and racing heart. With one last, too long look, drawn by Steve's speeding thrusts, you drug your eyes and self away. You retreated as silently as you had come, praying neither of them had noticed your presence.

Once you thought you were far enough away, you took off running as best you could to your rooms, taking the long way around to avoid Steve and his companion at all costs. Back behind the closed door of your rooms, you dropped the pie and soda you still carried on your coffee table and ran to your bedroom.

In the privacy of your bed, you let your body rule. Sliding your hand between your thighs, you let yourself imagine being in the blonde’s place, your flesh between Steve’s teeth, your arms around his neck, your hands in his hair. As you began to rub circles into your clit, you envisioned Steve’s hands digging into the flesh of your thighs, holding you up and open for the slam of his hips against yours, driving his cock into you with the same relentless rhythm you’d just witnessed. Between your own fevered imaginings and the heated scene seared into your memory, you were coming in no time flat.

With a shuddering moan, you climaxed imagining Steve’s eyes on yours as he fucked you like a madman against a wall.

A while later, despite your physical satisfaction, you stared at the ceiling in horror.

How were you going to face him tomorrow?

You decided not to. Face him, that is. You opted instead to avoid any kind of social setting that day, pretending general surliness to keep everyone, but most especially Steve, at arm’s length.

You skipped breakfast entirely, not wanting to have to make small talk with anyone when you knew you’d be too busy remembering the line of Steve’s jaw as it clenched in passion. You waited until you knew much of the team would be in the gym before you joined them. To make sure you could avoid any interactions, you’d put on your leave-me-alone aura.

When you'd first joined the team, you'd made it clear that there would be days that you needed to be left alone. Those days were signified by the enormous gray hoodie enveloping your torso. Today you wore it over workout gear. You'd pulled the hood up, slid sunglasses onto your nose, and put earbuds into your ears before you'd walked through the door.

Every eye in the room turned toward you, recognized the hoodie and slid away as you crossed toward the outside door. Everyone knew you jogged by yourself on gray hoodie days. Since you studiously did not look at him as you walked out, you didn't see that Steve's eyes stayed on you, his gaze darkening as you left.

Steve's mood, already dark and mean, blackened viciously. With a snarl, he turned on the punching bag Bucky was holding for him. Bucky merely lifted a brow, easily reading Steve's moods. He could always tell when Steve had let his ex-girlfriend get her hooks into him again.

Steve was cursing himself. He'd known better than to let her drag him back in, even for a night, but the craving for you had been riding him hard when she'd texted. He'd been watching you take turns tossing popcorn and catching it in your mouth with Bucky while you debated movie choices with Sam and his heart had been sighing romantically at how sweet and beautiful he thought you were.

He also thought you firmly off-limits. Not only were you a member of his team, and that was no small matter, any change in dynamic possibly detrimental to the safety of everyone, you'd also never given him any indication you'd be receptive. You joked and teased him, but you did that with literally everyone; you were generally the friendly sort.

You also occasionally flirted with him, but it was delicate, almost innocent. There seemed to be more heat behind your flirting with Sam or Bucky. Still, the three of you were the sort of friends that gave each other endless shit, so there didn't seem to be anything to your flirting with them, either. Sam and Bucky always included Steve in the endless shit-giving, too, but you and he had never gotten to that point.

He wished he knew how to talk to you, how to become your friend even if he couldn't tell you he was half in love with you. Every time he tried, however, he ended up feeling too shy to open up for real. You'd always been open and encouraging, but he could tell his shyness looked like rejection to you. It left Captain America perpetually between you.

He'd been lamenting exactly that when she'd texted him, trying to draw him back into her sphere where she could punish him for not loving her enough. Most of the time he was able to resist, but he was feeling particularly sad and lonely. Watching you sit across the room from him, happy and within reach, yet somehow still a million miles away was both temptation and torment. Torn apart by it, he'd been willing to take the punishment to forget what he couldn't have, if only for a moment.

Until he'd been inside her, wishing she was you, and his heightened senses told him they were no longer alone. His inexplicable ability to recognize you by sound and scent alone had set him off and he'd come helplessly, with stuttering hips. He knew he'd heard someone's heart besides hers and his own, and he'd prayed it hadn't really been you who'd caught him in the corridor, that it had only been his own fevered imagination and desperate need that made him think he'd caught the edge of your scent.

He'd been in a foul mood thanks to both the worry of that and the ugly scene he'd endured at her hands. He'd already damned himself for answering her text at all, let alone allowing things to go so far, when, seconds after his climax, she'd murmured in his ear, her voice full of venom, "Thinking of her, again, were we?"

She'd been talking about Peggy; she didn’t know about you. They’d broken up before you’d joined the team, so it had been easy to hide his feelings for you from her, too aware she'd use it against him at the earliest opportunity, the way she did with Peggy. She'd never forgive him for not loving her the way she wanted. She couldn't seem to stop hurting them both because of it.

Then you'd walked in and out without looking at him and he'd known for certain. You'd walked in on him fucking his ex and now you couldn't meet his eye. His already foul mood shifted to something black and ugly as his fists pounded into the bag in frustration.

Outside, you breathed a sigh of relief. You'd made it past the first hurdle. If you could get through this day without humiliating yourself, you'd consider yourself home free. You were sure you could deal with this with just a little more time and distance. You just needed to put Steve back in the No-Sex box where you’d put all the hot people you worked with every day.

You were trying to ignore the fact that just the sight of Steve out of the corner of your eye had your memory flitting back to the sight of his fingers digging deliciously into flesh.

You put the image out of your mind and took two deep breaths as you started to stretch. A nice long run, a cold shower, and something other than last night's pie to eat and you could handle this.

"Y/N?"

You shrieked and jerked in response to the sound of Steve saying your name, hitting your head on the engine you were currently under while you worked on it.

"H-h-h-h-hi Steve!" Deeply grateful for the prototype engine that currently hid everything from your hips up, most thankfully your face, you rolled your eyes at the stuttering giggle. You despised the clear sign of the girlish crush you’d developed overnight, but in your defense, you hadn't been expecting anyone to come talk to you on a gray hoodie day, least of all Steve. He was kind and friendly, but he didn't seem to have much to say to you.

You'd tried to accept it, accept that not everyone was going to click with you, but you really liked Steve. His friendship with Sam and Bucky told you how warm and funny he could be with people he liked and his camaraderie with Natasha made it clear he could be friends with women, and the best of friends, no less. You couldn't help a little bit of hurt feelings that he stayed resolutely apart no matter how you tried to welcome him in. You now realized it was that little burn of resentment that had allowed you to ignore how attracted you were until you’d been confronted with his base sexuality.

Altogether, you'd been blindsided by the sound of Steve's voice, especially as you'd been belting along with the stereo where your phone was blasting your garage playlist. You liked fast and loud when you worked with your hands. Not expecting visitors, you hadn’t been bothering with the leave-me-alone attitude, singing happily as you tinkered. “Volume down fifty percent,” you said, and the music immediately dropped to a murmur.

You realized when he stayed silent that he was probably waiting for you to slide out from under the engine. Fat fucking chance. "Sorry, Steve. I literally have my hands full right now." The lie tripped lightly off your tongue, easier when you didn't have to look at him, but your discomfort was still coming through in your voice, loud and clear to anyone who knew you well. You hoped if he heard it, he didn't recognize it. "But go ahead and talk to me. What's up?"

Steve was both grateful and disappointed that he wasn't looking at your face. He was almost certain, based on your reaction, that you were the person who'd caught him last night, but he was not at all certain anymore that you were upset by it. You sounded… embarrassed? Ashamed?

He felt a rush of chagrin at the thought and spoke with less care than he had planned. "Were you in the hallway late last night?" As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he winced in horror. He hadn't meant to ask you that at all, let alone that baldly.

"NO!" You shouted the word, the sound strangled, and so clearly a lie, you merely let your head fall back with a thump as you tried to salvage it anyway. "Why do you ask?" you squeaked.

You turned your head until you were looking at Steve's boots when you heard what sounded like a snort from him. You'd never heard that sound from him before, at least not thanks to you, and it had you smiling despite the situation. "You're as bad a liar as I am," he said, his voice rich and warm and so appealing it almost made you slide on your creeper out from where you were wedged to peer into his face.

You resisted, however, too guilty to look at him straight on. You'd stood watching for far too long last night to have the moral high ground in this conversation. You were terrified he'd noticed, the shame of it miserably crawling up your neck and over your scalp. When he fell silent, you started to squirm with it.

Steve opened his mouth to speak, then closed it again, unsure how to go on. He wanted to apologize, but now it seemed you’d rather not talk about it. He also didn't know how to apologize. How could he tell you that he was in the hallway because he couldn't stand to have his ex in his space again? He opened his mouth, still not certain what he was about to say, but painfully aware that he’d been silent for far too long when you’d asked him a question.

Before he could speak, however, the silence had worn you down, and you sang like a canary, the words coming out in a rush of guilt-laden confession.

“Look, I know I might have stood there too long, but I was expecting the chance to ruin Bucky’s night or something and I was really surprised when it was you. Can we just pretend it never happened?” The final question came out on a choked high-pitched squeal that shamed you, but the humiliation was so intense, the guilt so over-whelming, you could only close your eyes and hope Steve took pity on you.

“How--” Steve stopped when his voice croaked a little to clear his throat and try again. He was embarrassed, confused, and sick at the thought that you might have seen the fight between him and his ex, heard the things she'd said to him. “How long did you stand there?”

The silence dragged on long enough that Steve actually felt his knees dissolve as his stomach threatened to revolt.

Meanwhile, you were laying, your head pillowed on the little cushion at the head of your creeper, your body limp as you stared in utter horror at the shiny metal you'd been working on without seeing it. You closed your eyes as your stomach churned.

Steve may have suspected that you'd stumbled upon him last night, but his words made clear that he had had no idea what you'd done. How could you possibly explain? There was no way to tell him you'd stood dumbstruck, watching him fuck someone, without giving away that you'd been mesmerized by the sight of him given over to lust, to passion. He'd just been so fucking beautiful.

But he hadn't come in here to confront you and you'd just sold yourself out. You'd never wanted a hole to open up and swallow you the way you did in this never-ending moment. You didn't want to answer, but the silence had stretched to the breaking point and if one of you didn't say something, you were pretty sure you were going to go stark raving mad.

"Okay," you said, your voice carrying a defensive tone and you were grateful all over again that Steve couldn't see your face. "I'm not a pervert or anything. I wasn't watching on purpose."

Steve's knees almost buckled in relief as he finally understood that you were embarrassed, rather than angry and upset, or possibly worse, judging him. "I shouldn't have been in the hallway." Steve rushed to reassure, not wanting you to think he was here because he was angry. "I'm sorry I embarrassed you."

You figured it was a good thing that you were kind of wedged under Tony's latest prototype. You were, apparently, entirely too susceptible to Steve. You could hear the genuine remorse and worry in his voice and it made you want to shimmy out there and cuddle him. A complete puddle, you responded as thoughtlessly as he when he rushed to reassure, your breath signaling your desire to astute ears.

"I wasn't mad, Steve," you half-laughed, the image of his neck muscles, taut with lust, flitting across your mind’s eye. "Let's just forget it." You slid over enough that you could reach out and give a thumbs up.

Steve laughed when your hand came into view, the tone in your voice making his heart beat faster, though he couldn’t put his finger on why. "Thanks, y/n," he replied, his voice warm with the affection he always felt for you but had never known how to express. He was almost glad that this had happened. The Captain seemed to have faded. He didn't know if it was because he could set it aside or because you could stop seeing it. Either way, he was beginning to feel like your friend.

"So, we're cool, right?" You said it hopefully, praying he'd let you off the hook.

Steve laughed out loud, and the sound was so pretty and warm you could hardly stand to stay still. You wanted so badly to see his face lit up with laughter you inspired. You stayed in place, however, still too terrified that he'd see your almost desperate lust for him if he could see your face right now. You needed a little more distance between yourself and the memory of the way the muscles in his thighs flexed and released as he thrust--

"We're cool." Steve was smiling at the thumb you were making dance in response, utterly charmed by you. He was trying to think of something else to say, wanting to stretch this time out longer, but nothing was coming to mind. With nothing else, "Thanks, again." He cringed. "I'll let you get back to work, then."

"I'll see you later." You said it warmly, catching a hint of the discomfort and seeking to alleviate it even if you didn't understand its cause. You had this newfound overwhelming urge to make Steve happy. You wished it wasn't partly because you really wanted to replace Hallway Blonde.

Steve turned and started to walk out, a smile on his face in response to the quiet humming noises you were making absently as the clink of your tools against metal started up again. He was halfway to the door when he realized that you'd never actually answered the question.

You were starting to hum along with the music as you got back to tinkering when Steve's voice rang out. "But… how long did you watch?"

"What?!" Blindsided, convinced you were home free, you had absolutely no defense or guile and the word was so drenched in pained guilt there was no way Steve didn't hear it.

"You did watch," he pointed out, turning back around with new determination, the guilt in your voice clear to him, but yet unexplained. "But I asked how long, and you didn't answer."

"Of course I did." Your voice was raspy and painfully unconvincing. If you'd been the slightest bit prepared for any of this, maybe you wouldn’t be fucking it up so hard. You cleared your throat and continued. "Not, like, a pervy amount of time, but a… justifiably surprised amount of time. I didn’t have a stopwatch on me.” You tried really hard to sound vaguely irritated and a little offended that you had to explain, and you mostly succeeded.

Steve stood next to the engine, looking down at your legs, jiggling in apparent anxiety. He was considering his options. He didn't want to get overly physically pushy and drag you out from under there so that he could look at you, but he also really wanted to see your face. He felt like he needed to understand what was going on underneath this conversation more than he needed anything else.

Steve lay down on the ground so that he could see you where you lay, one arm limp at your side, a socket wrench in your hand, while the other arm was up, your palm across your forehead in dismay. His mouth began to spread in a smile at how utterly adorable he thought you were, even when you'd been obviously lying to avoid having to look at him.

"Hands full, huh?"

"Fuck me!” The expletive burst from your mouth in an explosion, both startled and horrified at being caught. You whipped your head to the side to see Steve laying on his stomach on the floor next to you, his cheek pillowed on his crossed wrists, pretty face smiling sweetly at you.

Too susceptible by half, you turned your face back to the engine in front of you. You were afraid that pretty smile could get you to do anything.

“Will you please come out here so I can see your face when I’m talking to you?” Steve asked it kindly, aware that you were hiding because something embarrassed you. He wanted to ease that embarrassment, show you that you didn’t have to be embarrassed with him. He was too familiar with the sensation to want it to happen to anyone else, least of all you.

“I don’t want to.”

Steve’s lips twitched and he had to stifle his laughter at the petulant tone and cadence to your words. He didn’t move from his spot on the floor. If all he could get was the sight of your profile from under one of Tony’s massive prototypes, it was better than nothing. “Why not?”

“Because I’m humiliated.” You spoke slowly and deliberately, annoyed and anxious because the conversation that you’d thought you’d escaped unscathed had turned around on you. It didn’t help that you could see Steve smiling at you out of the corner of your eye and you were having a hell of a time not crawling out from under the engine and all over him. “The fuck you think?”

As you spoke, Steve could hear your heart start to race but it didn’t have the pounding rhythm of fear. If he wasn’t also afraid that he was merely engaged in wishful thinking, he’d wonder if it was arousal. Once he started considering the possibility, your behavior made more sense, but he couldn’t be sure he wasn’t deluding himself, desperate for you to want him with the same need he had for you, the same need he constantly had to bury beneath the Captain America façade.

“I shouldn’t ask how long you watched, should I?” He could hardly believe he was saying this, knew doing so could change the dynamic between the two of you as well as the rest of the team, but he wanted you more than he wanted his next breath and the idea that you could want him too was irresistible. “I should ask why you watched,” he continued, his voice lowering with the first hints of desire.

Your wrench fell the ground where you dropped it when you shoved your creeper out from under the engine as you lost your temper. To be fair, the anger was more frustration and panic, than anything else. The shivers of embarrassment running up your spine and over your scalp, easily distracted you from the desire coloring Steve’s voice.

“Oh my god!” You shouted it as you came to your feet. Steve had already leapt to his feet when you burst into motion. You faced him, eyes narrowed, hands on hips. “Because you’re sexy as hell and it was hot, okay? Are you happy now?” Steve’s jaw dropped at the bald statement combined with the hostile tone to your voice.

Gesturing wildly, you continued to rant. “When I realized how I was violating your privacy I turned around and walked away but I’ve felt guilty ever since.” You sneered and the tone did not match the words of your next sentiment by any stretch. “So I’m sorry." With a scoff of irritation, you turned and walked out on a long stride of anger. “Fuck you.”

Once far away from your garage and Steve, you sagged against the wall in horrified dismay.

Did you just yell at Steve that watching him fuck got you hot?

Were you out of your damn mind?

Steve sat in the window seat in his bedroom. He’d picked these rooms because of the wide, deep bench next to tinted glass where he could look out at the woods behind the compound but not feel as he often did, as though he were on display, a fish in a bowl. These moments of peace, alone with his sketchbook in his designated quiet place, sometimes felt like the glue holding him together.

In these moments, he most often sketched you. Today was no exception.

He'd spent the last half hour trying to get right the exact curve of your eyebrows as you'd shouted at him before storming out of your garage. He never wanted to forget the look on your face, as he'd fallen a little more in love with you that day.

Steve had never had the luxury of self-delusion. He'd been born fragile and small to a world both mean and cold. He'd found cruelty far more often than kindness at the hands of others, until a man of rare vision and compassion had seen more deeply and offered him a chance to do more than the body he'd been born into would allow. He'd leapt at the chance, simply because he needed to right the wrongs he saw in the world and no one would let him any other way.

After the serum, however, he'd learned that the eyes stayed cruel even as the blows became pats, the raised fists handshakes, the sneering disdain simpering flattery. He'd learned quickly to see who meant their kindnesses, their compassion, and who sought his company because of his appearance or name. He rarely made mistakes these days, though his most recent was fresh.

Today, your eyebrows had twisted in distress even as your mouth went mobile in fury, the quiver of your voice so slight only his highly sensitive ears could have heard it. The humiliated, guilty misery had been all over you the moment he'd been allowed to see you and his heart had stumbled.

Where another would look at you and see the oil smeared across your cheek, Steve saw in the agitated motion the compassion that fueled the anxiety and humiliation all over you. The tone of your voice revealed the kindness that inspired such guilt; the shine of your eyes gave away the integrity that caused such misery. In short, he'd been attracted to the surface of you, the funny and bright, but the sweet heart beneath had him captivated.

Steve couldn't deny that the attraction was not silent in this contemplation. His brain kept replaying your voice saying that you thought him sexy. He couldn't stop thinking about the implicit admission in your bald statement. You'd wanted to watch.

You'd wanted to watch him.

The thought alone had had him half hard all day. He wanted to show you. He wanted to show you everything.

He couldn't help the fear, however. He was afraid to tell you that, to admit that he'd developed feelings for you that were anything but professional. He worried that to do so would alter a dynamic that worked, that kept all of you safe. He was also terrified that your interest was merely physical and to admit to anything deeper would do nothing but invite your pity.

All his old insecurities rose up to choke him at the same moment he heard his ex's text tone.

I'm sorry, baby. I just get so jealous. Let me make it up to you.

He thought of her pretty perfect lips sneering in fury and something perilously close to hate, then of your dancing thumb and your shamefaced flight. Everything inside him softened in tenderness at your sweetness, your genuine warmth. Reminded that he had a right to kindness and compassion, his heart hardened against the blonde viper that was once again trying to get her fangs into him.

No. All we do is hurt each other. I'm not doing this anymore.

As soon as he hit send, he felt lighter. He wondered if he should leave you alone for a little while before he tried to talk to you again. Because he would absolutely be talking to you again. He needed to know if you felt anything like the electricity that raced over him every time he saw you.

Not doing this anymore? Who the fuck do you think you are?

She hadn't always been like this. Or at least she hid it better at the beginning, until he'd fallen in love with the woman he thought she was. Over time, however, there emerged cruel jealousy from underneath the funny charm that had captivated him. Even in the beginning, however, he couldn't imagine her reacting to anything the way you had. She lacked the empathy.

Steve couldn't help but compare you. You didn’t just compare favorably, there seemed to be no comparison. Most important, your reaction to what had happened told him what kind of heart you had. He had no defense against kindness, strength, and compassion. Whether it was wise or not, he needed to find out if there was anything there.

He finally listened to Natasha and blocked her number.

Steve went back to his sketch, smiling at the memory of how you’d looked shouting compliments at him, wondering when you’d let him talk to you again.

… And Chose Me here

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dysphoric-affect · 5 years

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The Art Of Companionship

As Booker Dewitt in BioShock: Infinite, you look on as an idling Elizabeth stops over a dead body, clasps her hands to her mouth and stares, eyes wide with remorse, and it seems like to you an increasingly - and tragically - sense of innocence lost. It’s just a dead body, and you’re playing a first-person shooter. You’ve seen this sight hundreds of times. Under other circumstances, you’d think almost nothing of it, so familiar are you with the sight. Yet suddenly, in a way you never have before, you appreciate the gravity of it. That inert form is a dead human being. They had a life and feelings. People that cared. Elizabeth’s reaction forces you to think of this, even if only on some small level. Still, it is more than what you would ever think normally, which makes such a quite, small moment able to feel so profound.

As Joel in The Last Of Us, you listen to an enthusiastic Ellie express her optimism about your survival chances, or confusion about what could lead people to commit the horrors of something you’re witnessing. Joel, annoyed, tells her off with a harsh rebuke of how naïve she is and how grim human nature is, sometimes more subtle in manner and sometimes as overt as can be. Given Joel’s past, you understand there’s another reason why he’s so hostile that makes him less of an asshole than he seems: these moments of Ellie’s remind him of the innocence of who he lost, a reminder of a pain he wants to forget and isn’t allowed to because of those circumstances. Underlying his terseness is something more than annoyance as well, you understand coming from this past of his: a sort of paternalism. He doesn’t want to see this person meet the same fate. He wants her to learn so she can survive where someone else didn’t, even if it takes tough love...but love, understated.

As Kratos in God Of War, your son asks a question about his mother - your wife - whose death drives you both forward. Being so gruff of a person, at times these questions are met with anger and annoyance and a demand to quit prying and focus. At times they are met with quiet, with an eventual answer being short and elusive, avoiding greater detail; perhaps it is in his nature to not talk at length, but an understanding is there that it’s also because feelings are involved in the subject at hand for the love lost, feelings being one thing the character, for all his power, has almost no skill in dealing with well. And at times, Kratos’ voice goes unusually soft for him, and a heartfelt admission about who his wife was as a person and what she liked is made, in part for the boy’s sake, to give him a larger piece of her to have in the absence of her living, as well as in part, you realize, for Kratos himself, a reminder of the peace he had and that violence isn’t all there is to life, a reminder that there are other forms of strength in the world than his own, kinds of strength that he needs to find now in himself in her absence in order to honor her memory as well as to fully give the boy the love he was intended to have. The hard exterior of this man, you realize, belies a great depth of emotion and thought...even if something his enemies will never see.

What do all these moments have in common? They all demonstrate a potent element games can possess that we’ve seen emerge more and more in recent years: that of the singular, constant companion. While certainly credit must be given to the writers and others behind creating these characters that makes the specific examples referenced so well executed, I do think that there is something inherently special about this type of element that makes any game that incorporates it with purpose and puts thought into it a game that is much more liable to be well received, or even celebrated. Why is this so?

The key here I think is the inherently limited nature of perspective you get from the player character: on events, on the world, on themselves and even any broader moral or philosophical themes that might be a part of the larger narrative. Our world and any fictional one includes a host of people with differing perspectives about it, yet we often only get to perceive these fictional worlds through the very limited scope of the player character’s viewpoint, or with no perspective at all in the case of the many silent FPS protagonists. Having a critical companion throughout the story of a game ensures a layer of depth unattainable for the narrative otherwise.

This can be in reacting to events, offering opinions and sharing lore we otherwise wouldn’t know, but it also provides the chance to create more depth for the player character as well: when the companion reacts to what they do, it creates more of sense of that protagonist’s existence in that world, fleshing them out, as well as providing something for the player character to react to, directly revealing more of their personality and opinions in the process where they otherwise simply wouldn’t have a chance to do so. In the course of all this, there is an understated but powerful sense of connection to the player character that players can come to have from this relationship which bolsters a sense of ownership of and care for what’s happening in the game. This occurs because the player character and players themselves both develop a sense of attachment for these companions in tandem. When this connection has been established, everything going on with the experience takes on a greater significance, and since the ostensible goal with narrative-based games is to have players care about the story, about the world and these characters and what happens to them all, then fostering this kind of regard from players is certainly an important step toward achieving that goal of creating a meaningful experience.

The trick, of course, is that while being a game provides a sense of being there with these companion characters that makes moments with them potentially so profound, that same format poses a unique challenge: how to incorporate them into the gameplay mechanics of the experience. When we look at the examples given at the start of this piece and comparing them, given they all succeeded extraordinarily well with their companion elements, certain patterns emerge on how best to do this effectively.

One, which I think overall is most important, is to not have game progression failure tied to their actions. Part of this is ensuring no actions that deviate from player intentionality in a scenario. In other words, they don’t take an action that can cause something undesired to happen, particularly as concerns enemies where the player is attempting to strategize in their approach. The most salient example of this would be in stealth scenarios, where the companion taking more overt action or just being scene would cause a break from the stealth mechanics of the game against the players will, frustrating them in their lack of culpability in that having occurred.

The Last Of Us presents a great example of this, where Ellie is literally incapable of alerting enemies to her presence when moving in stealth. While her pathfinding is pretty strong about positioning her to where she gets into cover with realistic timing, at times she doesn’t. I remember watching a design talk done by Naughty Dog where it was explained this was deliberate, because it was seen as worth it to potentially have the odd immersion-breaking moment where an enemy doesn’t see Ellie when she’s clearly in view in order to guarantee she could never trigger enemies’ alert status and garner negative feedback from the player for her actions. I personally experienced a few of these moments playing the game and have to admit it was the right call: more than I was put off by any sense of “Really? You idiots didn’t see her right in front of you?” I was just relieved to not have an alert status triggered, leaving me free to keep attempting the checkpoint rather than initiate a manual restart of it because the element of surprise was gone against my will. This made it clear that having your companion unable to cause any failure of your attempted approach as a smart way to design their performance, as the suspension of disbelief for it to occur is outweighed by the benefits in progression.

Another means to avoid progression failure is simply ensuring they can’t die. It is always critical in good game design when it comes to the difficulty aspects to ensure that player action is the determining factor in successful progression, not that of an external party beyond their control. Since these companions by definition have a great deal of their own agency, then if they could die there is always a chance that event would occur due to factors that weren’t necessarily the player’s fault. That just leads to player frustration that puts them off the gameplay experience, as well as weakening the companion’s narrative strength by having such player frustration be directed toward them, which is of course counterproductive to the empathy and love for them players are intended to have. As far as why they always escape a grim fate, this can be explained away easily enough with them being stealthy or nimble enough to avoid efforts to hurt them, seen manifested in their gameplay behavior, or simply with the “bigger target” philosophy: the enemies focus far more on you because you are the bigger threat offensively. This leads nicely into the next point...

Two, have the player character be the star offensively. Players want who they are in the story to be the dominant offensive force, so having the companion dwarf you be killing more effectively than you do would only generate resentment on the player’s part. In gameplay terms, this doesn’t mean that they can’t be capable of killing, just that the ceiling for their potential kill rate can never surpass what the average killing rate for the player character is. So that they don’t feel like an escort that steals a few kills, however, the crucial dynamic for those companions is to have them be useful in other ways, such as using their size or other skills to bypass obstacles and deal with puzzles. Having them find useful items or indicate points of interest can also serve this purpose really well. In the examples mentioned before, Elizabeth, Ellie and Atreus all have their focus as companions be in these areas, to great effect.

Third and finally, have their useful capabilities grow as you progress, right along with you. Your character will always have to deal with increasingly more difficult enemies and obstacles over the course of the game, so having the companion’s own abilities increase accordingly sustains their sense of viability as you deal with those greater challenges. In the noted examples, Elizabeth progresses to opening extremely useful tears, Ellie starts getting kills of her own that minimize the threat to you (noteworthy because of how high the sense of vulnerability is for you throughout the game) and Atreus can better weaken and kill enemies of his own. This plays back into the last point I made, which is to ensure that they only get better offensively in a way that makes them more supportive, but never deadly on the scale the player character is.

With these criteria met, from there it is simply up to the writers to make them strong characters in the emotion they express and story they create as they interplay with the player character. Done right, this type of companion relationship stands to be one of the most satisfying experiences you can have in modern games. Fortunately, the special quality these have is something that’s been noticed, as we can see it in more games all the times in modern gaming. Sony in particular has been seemingly focused on producing these narrative-focused experiences with companion interactions.

It’s worth noting that while the singular, main companion experience is generally which seems to have the greatest potential, there’s something to be said for deviations that at least have interactions with a core set of companions as the key, or a more dynamic narrative relationship with what companions one has. Speaking of Sony titles, the recent Spider-Man game is a strong example of this: while you don’t have gameplay companions generally, you do have constant interactions with a few key allies remotely, who you understand to be conceptually driving the narrative forward and also providing a chance to see more layers of Peter Parker’s personality.

In other cases, we can see where embracing more dimensions of the critical companion dynamic has occurred. Halo, for instance, had Cortana as a beloved character for its’ entire history as a franchise with her useful intel on the world and events, comic relief and the conceptual help she provided in opening doors and enabling you to pursue certain objectives. With Halo 4, though, that dynamic evolved in a great way as the Master Chief started talking back to Cortana, with her talk now being used to draw out and show an emotional depth to the Master Chief that made an already loved character even deeper and more worth loving, which was a victory for fans of the franchise and for fans of deeper storytelling in games; in fact, their dynamic was I believe that title’s standout element over all others.

All these cases go to show that while there may be a place for the titular solo hero in games, there is certainly a place for the hero who gets by with a little help from his or her friends, or at least, a friend. As the potential has grown for realism in games, the capability has grown to tell more meaningful stories through the presentation of more believable characters, and with that capability I believe there is an impetus that should be felt by more developers to create more games with these kind of dynamic critical companions. They can immerse us more in the worlds of games and create opportunities for fresh new gameplay elements in the process, making their continued and ever broader incorporation into new games we have yet to experience be something that will be a boon to all who are entertained by the medium.

And Ellie, we’ll see you soon. ;)

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patheticphallacy · 5 years

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This is a tag I always see making its rounds on YouTube and in the blogsphere, and while I don’t do many tags anymore (that aren’t related to music, you can pry the Playlist Book Tag from my cold, dead hands) I saw a few really great takes on the tag and looked at the questions and figured this is one for me!

A little about my reading history:

Since April of 2018, I’ve found myself enjoying reading more than I have since around 2013 when I first joined the book community. It’s become a lot more personal and just reading on a whim, not hesitating to DNF and leave things half-read until I’m interested in the book again. My memories of what I read is a lot stronger, even though I’m reading more.

At this point in the year I’ve read 170 things, mostly manga and comics, which I’m honestly really happy about as they make me happiest as I read them. That also means I have a lot to choose from in my answers.

Without further ado: the questions!

1) BEST BOOK YOU’VE READ SO FAR IN 2019?

Okay, so a lot of my top books happen to be horror, and I promise you that’s purely accidental.

The Elementals by Michael McDowell: 80’s horror where two families journey to their Summer houses after the death of one of the matriarchs and find themselves at the hands of not just the elements, but forces that reside in the land.

The Silent Companions by Laura Purcell: A gothic told across three different points of view centred around a widow who travels to her late husbands estate and is tormented by strange wood carvings who seemingly move by themselves.

Neverworld Wake by Marisha Pessl: A year after the death of her boyfriend, a teenager journeys out to visit her estranged friends, only for them to end up stuck in a time loop repeating the same day until they can come to a unanimous decision on which one of them deserves to live.

The Haunting of Hill House by Shirley Jackson: Horror classic where four people travel to Hill House and experience strange hauntings that begin to send them mad. Also highly recommend the Netflix show!

Teen Dog by Jake Lawrence: The coming-of-age graphic novel with anthropomorphic animals you never knew you needed. Full of innocent existentialism and themes of growing up!

2) BEST SEQUEL YOU’VE READ SO FAR IN 2019?

They aren’t sequels, but these are my favourite volumes in longer series! It counts! They are all follow ups to previous volumes!

Fullmetal Alchemist Volume 9 by Hiromu Arakawa: If there was a Connie has to go more than 5 posts without mentioning FMA challenge, I would lose. Literally the best possible conclusion to this series, it broke my heart.

Haikyuu!! Volume 2 by Haruichi Furudate: My review for this on Goodreads was literally just ‘Oikawa AND Nishinoya?! In one volume?! I’m having a crisis!’ which sums up me reading this whole series.

My Hero Academia: Vigilantes Volume 3 by Hideyuku Furuhashi: Volume 2 of this series was an absolute goddamn mess but this volume? Wow. My review if you want to read me lose my mind. Some spoilers for extra content and some characters, but it’s not really overly spoiling plot points.

No.6 Volume 5 by Atsuko Asano: I have gone on so many spiels to my best friend about how amazing this series is. It honestly deserves recognition for being a very thought provoking and character driven dystopian, the character development is truly a work of art and I wish I could write a world and dynamics as well as Atsuko Asano does.

3) NEW RELEASE YOU HAVEN’T READ YET, BUT WANT TO?

I can’t really give much information on these seeing as I haven’t read them, so sorry everyone!

Teen Titans: Raven by Kami Garcia: I confess, I am getting this because of Gabriel’s artwork. I’ve been a huge fan for a while now, so it just felt right to have this in my collection, especially considering I want to learn more about the Titans.

Rayne & Delilah’s Midnite Matinee by Jeff Zentner: Very mixed reviews on this one, but oh well!

The Devouring Gray by Christine Lynn Herman: Everyone and their mother is talking about this book, honestly.

The Luminous Dead by Caitlin Starling: It’s like a space survival story but with these weird zombie creatures? I’ll be going for the audiobook with this one.

4) MOST ANTICIPATED RELEASE FOR THE SECOND HALF OF THE YEAR?

I made a whole post about this that I worked very hard on so please check it out, but I guess I’ll include the only three I’ve been able to pre-order.

Tunnel of Bones by Victoria Schwab: This is the sequel to City of Ghosts, a middle-grade horror story I really love, and I’m looking forward to this one even more as it’s set in the catacombs of Paris!

Who Put This Song On? by Morgan Parker: Several people have described this as having some of the best mental health rep in young adult fiction, so I’ll be reading this for my dissertation that I’m starting in January.

The Infinite Noise by Lauren Shippen: I reallllly love the podcast this is based on (The Bright Sessions, also created by Lauren) and Adam and Caleb are my absolute favourites, so this book is my JAM.

5) BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT?

BOY DO I HAVE A LOT OF THESE. one of the cons of reading so much is that I end up being disappointed by significantly more books than others do, which sucks, but I honestly don’t find myself hating the reading experience. Even if i hate the book, for me, tearing it apart can become fun!

Slam Volume 1 by Pamela Ribon: I love roller derby, but the characters and the lack of narrative in this volume really didn’t do it for me. Maybe if more time was spent making sense of plot at the start I’d have enjoyed it, but there were so many time jumps I stopped caring.

It Only Happens in the Movies by Holly Bourne: One day UKYA readers are gonna have to sit down and properly talk about how the first maybe 5 years of the decade were spent crowning titles and writers as the leads of UKYA despite the fact that their books aren’t really good. They contain thinly-veiled misogyny, really bad writing that uses chat speak in-text as if it’s normal, stereotyping of characters (they really love the bitchy mean girl trope) and what the kids would call racism that doesn’t explicitly state it’s racism, like, say, dropping slurs or having outwardly racist beliefs, but when a character says someone ‘might be Asian or Jewish’ and then laughs about it and never addresses it again, you kind of guess it’s some kind of internalised racism nobody feels comfortable addressing.

Trouble by Non Pratt: SEE ABOVE, only this one has the most terribly written step-incest subplot that never properly gets resolved or treated with the disgust it deserves!

The Hating Game by Sally Thorne: Weird possessive vibes, references to stalking, and shitty love triangles. This received the best rating of the bunch (3), but the general disappointment I feel is at the continued inclusion of uncomfortably possessive male love interests dehumanizing and treating women like they are better seen not heard in romance fiction. Tessa Dare doesn’t treat me like this!

The Day of the Triffids by John Wyndham: This one is less hate, more just disappointment. I was so bored reading this, honestly, it feels unbearably long, and the romance is so unneeded and dull.

6) BIGGEST SURPRISE?

The Unsound by Cullen Bunn: I’ve learnt that my opinion on generally negatively rated comics and graphic novels is going to completely differ. This is very surreal, with a lot of graphic self harm and violence, and will definitely not be for everyone, but I very much enjoy it!

Sweet Blue Flowers Volume 1 by Takako Shimura: I literally heard about this, ordered the first volume day-of, and then read it as soon as it arrived and loved it. It’s predominantly a slice-of-life/romance following sapphic teenage girls!

In Other Lands by Sarah Rees Brennan: Everytime I think of this I feel soft. For a fantasy this is very easy to read, with snappy dialogue and a lot of wit from our main character. What surprised me most, however, was how deep and introspective it got exposing the fears of our main character, something not enough portal fantasies spend time doing, and I’m really grateful to have read this book!

A Head Full of Ghosts by Paul Tremblay: Can you really be surprised if you go into a book with no expectations? I knew vague details about plot, and a brief allusion to a dollhouse in a review I happened to scroll past, and I ended up loving this.

Lazaretto by Clay McLeod Chapman: This is an absolutely horrifying comic about a flesh eating virus that breaks out during the first few weeks of college and sends the campus into complete lockdown. It’s honestly tragic, and does not have a happy ending, but I love it? I usually hate endings that are bad for our main characters, but everything about this just really wrapped me in a blanket- horrified me, sure, yet it was weirdly comforting.

The Past and Other Things that Should Stay Buried by Shaun David Hutchinson: Again, I saw one person praise this book and listened to the audiobook immediately after and really enjoyed it. It’s very moving with some main characters that will test your patience but you’ll end up loving.

7) FAVOURITE NEW AUTHOR?

Paul Tremblay and Michael McDowell!

8) NEWEST FICTIONAL CRUSH?

Kirie in Uzumaki by Junji Ito! Makoto in My Hero Academia: Vigilantes! Charlotte Holmes in A Study in Charlotte! I’m noticing these are all women, which is kind of on brand for me.

9) NEWEST FAVOURITE CHARACTER?

Seeing as all my crushes are on women, I’ll try and pick some other favourites here! I’ve really fallen in love with Tensei Iida in My Hero Academia and eternally love Thirteen, Teen Dog in Teen Dog, Shion in No.6 (the character development!!!!), and basically the whole cast of The Avant-Guards by Carly Usdin! Tom in the Memoirs of Lady Trent series has really grown on me after book one, too.

10) BOOK THAT MADE YOU CRY?

BOY. I cry a lot. I cried reading Winnie the Pooh, which I finally picked up all the stories of earlier this year; Neverworld Wake; the Save Me Webtoon, a great webcomic based off of the BTS music video continuity; I Want To Eat Your Pancreas by Yoru Sumino, which beat me over the head with a frying pan while I was distracted. Sheets by Brenna Thummler didn’t make me cry but it did make me incredibly sad.

11) BOOK THAT MADE YOU HAPPY?

A lot of what I read makes me happy! There’s Super Fun Sexy Times by Meredith McClaren, a small collection of 5 stories based on the sex lives of different superheroes/villains/etc.; My Love Story by Kazune Kawahara which makes me eternally happy and soft every time I pick up a volume; In Other Lands, which, while sad at times, is also very funny and has my exact brand of humour; and there’s the Haikyuu!! manga series, which I love and adore and all the characters are hilarious, even while being serious.

12) FAVOURITE BOOK TO MOVIE ADAPTATION?

I haven’t really seen any? Does Boys Over Flowers count if I haven’t read the manga OR finished the show yet? Either way, Boys Over Flowers is great and so melodramatic. If you push through the drama and very strange and problematic behaviour, it’s honestly got a cute romance between two tsundere people and enough stupid hair to giggle at.

13) FAVOURITE REVIEW YOU’VE WRITTEN?

LOOOADS! I’m very proud of my reviews this year, and it seems like a lot of them are horror!

my review of haunting of hill house by shirley jackson

my review of a head full of ghosts by paul tremblay

my review of the elementals by michael mcdowell

my review of meddling kids, where i discussed harmful stereotypes and tropes within horror fiction

three horror reviews: this is not a test, the silent companions, uzumaki

my review of poetry book shame is an ocean i swim across, where i discuss body image issues

14) MOST BEAUTIFUL BOOK YOU BOUGHT THIS YEAR?

Other Words For Smoke by Sarah Maria Griffin! It’s really pretty and has beautiful pink sprayed edges, and I absolutely love the owl in the background. I think the mix of pink and gold on the cover is so striking, too, it really is a book that stands out.

15) WHAT BOOKS DO YOU NEED TO READ BY 2020?

I actually have a Summer 2019 TBR if you want loads of information on everything I plan on reading.

However, other than all the books I kind of have to read for my first semester back at University, I really want to read Teeth by Hannah Moskowitz and When the Truth Unravels by RuthAnne Snow.

What would you pick for these questions? Please let me know in the comments if you made a post of this tag, I’d love to read them!

Thank you for reading!

If you liked this post, consider buying me a coffee? Ko-Fi.

I also currently have a GoFundMe set up to help fund my third year of University, so any stray pound helps ❤

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patheticphallacy · 5 years

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It was a busy bee month for me!

While I took a semi-break from blogging- which means I limited myself to only 1 or 2 posts a week, instead of my usual 3 or 4- I took that time to plan out future blog posts (June, specifically) and read a lot.

#PanelAThon happened, which was the absolute best time. I smashed my TBR, in my opinion. Comic-heavy read-a-thons seem to suit me best, so I know how to sort my TBR for future read-a-thons now!

I also started up a brand new Bookstagram which I’m very proud of, even if my sister is helping me with most of the pictures due to her better camera quality. It’s like a project for us both, really: I provide the books and the good cat content, and she helps me position the shots and take pretty pictures!

Towards the end of the month I went to a gig that my best friend’s boyfriend was doing with his band, which was a great time. I also moved my things out of my Uni house! Next year, I’m living in a flat by myself, which is very expensive but will hopefully be worth it.

In June, I’ll be predominantly reading LGBT+ books, which I talked about more in my Pride Month TBR post! I can’t guarantee I’ll finish everything, though, as my twentieth birthday is on the 18th June and I’ll be spending the last two weeks of the month basically with only friends and family for the entire time, which I’m really looking forward to.

Also, last off: all my posts this month are twenty themed. So it’s all lists of twenty things, catered around my birthday and also my general life. I really hope you’ll check the posts out as they come out, I spent a lot of time making the lists and formatting everything for maximum good content.

READING WRAP UP

This Is Not A Test by Courtney Summers– this was a very human look at the way teenagers would cope in the apocalypse, extremely dark and very upsetting, from the point of view of a suicidal girl. It did let me down in that I wasn’t fully immersed in the story, but it definitely picked up towards the end.

NENENE by Shizuko Totono– while I really wanted to love this, the massive age gap between the two characters really ruined it for me. It tries to make up for the age gap by saying the characters will wait till the main girl is 20, but that honestly makes me quite sick thinking that the only reason they haven’t done anything is because the rest of society are telling them it’s nasty, not because they have any understanding of the massive imbalance of power in that relationship.

The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas by Ursula K. Le Guin– I’ll be honest, I read this because of BTS’s Spring Day music video, but I’m glad I did. It’s a very dark look into a utopian-esque society that only thrives based on the suffering of a child. I really love the distant narrative voice in this piece.

It Only Happens In the Movies by Holly Bourne– this is one of the most disappointing reads of all time for me. I did a long review of this on my Goodreads breaking down issues I had with the characters and the narrative that really ruined the whole experience. I know I don’t drop star ratings anymore, but this was a definite 1 star.

The Case For Jamie by Brittany Cavallaro– This had probably the weakest beginning in the series, with it not picking up until the 160 or so page mark as it relied a lot on info-dumping about Charlotte’s life and didn’t really have much happen. However, the last 150 made up for the weak start, and I really ended up enjoying this and I cannot wait for the final book!

The Unbreakable Code by Jennifer Chambliss Bertman– I really didn’t enjoy this and I am sad. I’m pretty sure it’s a ‘me’ thing, for the narrative, but I will say that there’s a lot of telling instead of showing, which really does lessen my enjoyment as we don’t see characters have any major realisations bar a few.

By Night #7-#10 by John Allison– this series has flown by! There’s only two issues left now, and I’ll be very sad to see it go, but I definitely think it’s coming to its end.

Labyrinth Coronation #12 by Simon Spurrier– I AM DISTRAUGHT that this series has ended. So so upset. I’m not completely content with this conclusion because a character does something that seems very OOC for them, after their development throughout the series, but I don’t really know how I could have been 100% satisfied with a beloved series coming to a close.

Why Photographers Commit Suicide by Mary McCray– this is a poetry collection I’ve had for literal years, a lot based on space and Mars. I was disappointed with this one and didn’t really connect with it overall or gleam anything valuable from it, although there were a few decent poems in there.

Small Spaces by Katherine Arden– I love this! Very atmospheric and creepy middle grade horror about some kids, terrifying scarecrows, and a long history of mysterious deaths and disappearances.

Nuclear Winter Volume 1 by Caroline Breault– Nuclear Winter is a fun story about a Montreal full of mutants that is in its ninth Winter after a power plant exploded. I love Flavie, the main character, and the art style is perfect for a slice-of-life adventure full of mutants, partying and bagels!

The Silent Companions by Laura Purcell– God, I’m still scared of this book. It’s basically like the terror of the weeping angels, combined with commentary on female hysteria, and is one of the most Gothic settings I’ve ever read. It’s honestly a masterpiece.

Haikyuu!! Volumes 1- by Haruichi Furudate– This is a GOD TIER sports manga, and probably my favourite, volleyball is just great. I absolutely adore these characters and their dynamics, the competitions, the illustrations– it’s all amazing. I have watched the first season of the anime, which means I was already familiar with most of these volumes, but I honestly do prefer the manga over the anime and highly recommend it.

The Walking Dead Volume 2 by Robert Kirkman– OK writing although it’s nothing special, but the art style change was very evident and I highly dislike it. Has a terrible case of ‘tiny font’ that really ruins any reading experience for my short sighted ass, so I don’t know if I’ll carry on. I just don’t think I carry about the characters enough.

The Loneliest Girl in the Universe by Lauren James– this completely blindsided me. It goes from a sci-fi romance to a sci-fi horror survival story, and I think it’s great. Definitely my favourite Lauren James, she truly is the queen of UKYA sci-fi stories. Apparently her next one is a soft-apocalypse novel, which, YES.

The Unexpected Everything by Morgan Matson– really disliked this. I think I’ve grown out of the picture perfect beautiful YA characters. Clark never leaves the house and never exercises but apparently has perfect abs and the most chiselled of jaws. It’s just unrealistic, fellas! It doesn’t appeal to me at all. Also suffers from a case of ‘long-book-itis’ and is at least 200 pages of unneeded scenes too long, and is very predictable.

Lore Olympus by Rachel Smithe– this is a very pretty adaptation of the abduction of Persephone myth. The art gets better the further you get in, and I really do love the personalities of these Gods and other miscellaneous mythological creatures personified (EXCEPT FOR APOLLO APOLLO SUCKS). Content warning for rape and victim blaming, as well as a character being roofied (unrelated to the rape, though).

Uzumaki by Junji Ito– very strong first two thirds, but a very dissatisfying conclusion. However it is suitably creepy and has stunning art, and Kirie and Shuichi have a great relationship that I loved seeing develop throughout the story.

Welcome To Wanderland #1-3 by Jackie Ball– such a lovely series! It’s about fantasy realms and theme parks, magic and rebel princesses, and is very great. Unfortunately #4 won’t be out for a while as the illustrator had to leave for health reasons, but I’m hoping the new illustrator will be able to give this series a good end when it eventually comes out!

Go For It, Nakamura! by Syundei– a very cute manga about gay sixteen year old Nakamura and his pursuit of Hirose, a boy in his class. While this doesn’t end with a romance, it’s still a soft read seeing these characters become friends, and I can only hope another volume will one day be released.

Coady and the Creepies by Liz Prince– not one of my favourites, but it was enjoyable to read. This follows triplets on the road with their punk rock band collecting pins from all the biggest punk venues in the country, and also has ghosts. Probably my favourite part was commentary on punk rock being inclusive and how so many dudebros have lost sight that the movement was built going against a a discriminatory regime, not upholding it!

I Want To Eat Your Pancreas by Yoru Sumino– this manga literally knocked me TF out for absolutely no reason at all other than wanting to purposefully break my heart. The last 100 pages made this one of my favourite manga of all time just for how slyly it managed to make me care about these characters.

When I Arrived At the Castle by Emily Carroll– an erotic, Gothic graphic novel from a literal master of her craft. I love everything Carroll puts out, although I don’t think this ranks above Through the Woods. It’s very unnerving and has wonderful art, although I’m still just a tad confused by it.

Nuclear Winter Volume 2 by Caroline Berault– I’m not putting this with volume 1 just because I didn’t like this one as much. It moved way too quickly and I wasn’t as invested in the storyline. However, I do enjoy seeing older-younger sister dynamics, and Flavie and her younger sister Elsie really reminded me of how I am with my younger sister.

Teen Dog by Jake Lawrence– an incredible, quirky coming-of-age comic with anthropomorphic animals, best friends, chess, prom, and a dope pug called Thug Pug! I really loved this, it’s one of my new favourite all-time reads.

Honey So Sweet Volume 1 by Amu Megura– this was OK; not my favourite shoujo manga, and I’m not a big fan of this kind of art style, but it was fun to read and I like the softness of the main boy!

Junji Ito’s Cat Diary: Yon & Mu by Junji Ito– SO TRUE TO LIVING WITH CATS. Cannot express how much I could relate to this, I giggled so much. Ito and his wife do have a little bit at the back talking about Yon’s passing, however, so prepare yourself for that, I ended up crying.

Fullmetal Alchemist Volume 9 by Hiromu Arakawa– I don’t want to talk about it. I’m heartbroken this series is over. I loved this ending, but I’m heartbroken. I cried so many tears of joy, especially at the ending it gives Hohenheim.

Smooth Criminals Volume 1 by Kiwi Smith– another OK read! It wasn’t really stand out in comparison to a lot of the other comics I picked up this month, but it’s a quick read, and it has sapphic spies and hackers, if that’s your jam!

Turf Wars Volume 2 and 3 by Michael Dante DiMartino– Finally picked these two volumes up after procrastinating for months! It’s a really cheesy and much deserved conclusion to this graphic novel series, and I’m very much looking forward to the next series coming out. I’m keeping my hopes out for Wu to return, I miss him.

Bungo Stray Dogs Volume 1 by Kafka Asagiri– Very funny detective agency manga where all the characters are inspired by famous literary authors, each possessing powers that aids them investigations. It quickly gets into the main arc and villains. My main issue is that it has that creepy manga trope of having that sibling relationship that’s a bit too close, just for laughs, and it’s something I absolutely despise, so it kind of ruined how much I was loving it for an issue.

My Hero Academia Volume 16 by Kohei Horikoshi– it’s the start of the Overhaul arc, properly! Some decent character development in here, especially for Tamaki, Kirishima and Fatgum, who are the ultimate team, to be honest.

The Avant-Guards #1 to #5 by Carly Usdin– Carly Usdin genuinely writes some of the best diverse comic series currently. I love this as a sports comic, although I wish there were more issues to develop the characters and their relationships gradually as it does come across as quite rushed at points!

No.6 Volume 1 and 2 by Atsuko Asano– I really love the anime, so I figured it was about time to read the manga! It’s really fast moving, with great characters and a wonderful breakdown of the Utopia/Dystopia dynamic, and I really enjoy it. Shion is genuinely one of the best characters in manga in my opinion.

Faithless #1 by Brian Azzarello– A very dark new series about a woman who experiments in magic and accidentally summons something very dark. It’s strange and unsettling, and I really loved this first issue!

Slam Volume 1 by Pamela Ribon– This wasn’t that great, to be honest. It’s told in a very third person voice that stopped me from ever connecting with the characters, and although I love the roller derby parts and enjoyed the art, it’s not really a standout comic.

And finally, I read the Save Me Webtoon! Pardon my French, but this was so fucking good, and it’s really reminding me why I love both friendship-focused stories and time loop narratives. I think the art is great and I love the story, but I would not recommend this if you’re unfamiliar with the BTS cinematic universe and basic theories. Not all theories- I only knew basics so I could form an opinion on timelines, conclusions, etc.- but just the basics on the time loop theory. I talk more about all this later on in this post, though!

And my June TBR Jar pick is…. HUNGER MAKES ME A MODERN GIRL by Carrie Brownstein!

ESSAYS/ARTICLES

I read this article analysing BTS’s Spring Day, one of my favourite music videos of all time, and it really hit me hard. BTS in general have stunning music videos, so I highly recommend them for anyone who wants interesting visuals and/or a brand new narrative to invest themselves in with the BTS ‘cinematic’ universe.

TV SHOWS/MOVIES/VIDEOS

BTS’s Spring Day music video. Are any of you surprised?

THIS AMAZING CYPHER PT.3 ANIMATION. There are so many little easter eggs! Fans are amazing.

Another BTS video: their Go Go dance practice video is amazing. They all dress up as Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

Literally my whole month was spent watching BTS videos. Their whole cinematic universe with their music videos? INCREDIBLE. It starts with the uncut version of I Need U (content warnings for most of the videos discussing suicide, abuse and has a lot of violence), and I realised later on once I’d watched them that the Japanese versions of some of the songs are part of the series! You can find playlists and lists online to help you navigate which videos to watch first. I look at Spring Day as being the conclusion to the cinematic universe with Jin finally saving them all by helping them save themselves, as dramatic as it all sounds.

MUSIC I’VE ENJOYED

I basically spent all month listening to BTS. Particular favourites include Silver Spoon/Baepsae, Answer: Love Myself, Mikrokosmos, Cypher Pt.4, and GoGo!

Nightmare by Halsey is top notch, I got really into Halsey’s hopeless fountain kingdom again this month literally a day before Nightmare came out, so I recommend her! Obviously Boy With Luv is great too, I decided to get into BTS just because the Boy With Luv MV was so great and now look at me!