#i mean thats probably a default anyways BUT EMOTIONALLY

[buff-borf-bork]

started chapter six and im already pissed.

after not having any counselors and not taking any responsibility to take care of his students, pushing all the work of taking care of overblots on his students (one of which has no magic, the other being a cat monster) realizes there might be consequences of that, and instead of proposing any way to actually HELP immediately turns on Grim, someone he took as a student which imply’s SOME level of responsibility of care, especially considering their situation.

like, its time for mc to get Grim, help them out with this and get out.

Start roaming the world for someone who can actually be bothered to send her home. Grim will be the greatest wizard in our world gdi and he’ll love it and the attention! maybe even ask RSA for help, really rub it in his bird masked face.

[cartoonemotion]

you should talk abt the thing w gyro and boyd and lugnut on main some more i am saying this completely objectively i prommy

well long as you prommy youre asking this in a normal way where youre not emotionally compromised i dont see why not

so boyd confuses lugnut a great deal. not that hes met any other robots or even knew there were others besides himself out there really before encountering boyd and ig giz but he doesnt get boyd at all. like why would somebody go and build a little boy when little children already exist ??? it just doesnt seem logical to him. he is hopeless lost with the whole thing and honestly it seems very strange and unsual to him

gyro ""going along with it"" and treating boyd like his son also weirdly fills lugnut with a confusing sense of dread (that he doesnt actually feel because he is an emotionless machine💖 hope this helps), partially because lugnut is wary of Scientist Types (he still thinks giz is also a robot here) to begin with, and gyro has especially earned his suspicion bc i mean. fenton having to deal with a clearly sentient robot with some kind of programming issue giving him trouble ?? probably didnt take much for gyro to get involved and considering lugnut is still out there, doing villain things, it did NOT go well

so in his mind he figures boyd must be broken or something bc its the only way he can conceptualize all this ( <- problems problems problems p) and also this is going under the cut bc it got Long

anyhoo everyone is just IGNORING this and keeping boyd from whatever his original function is supposed to be !!!! the worst thing he can imagine also he is not projecting again hes an emotionless machine we've been over this this is clearly all from an objective understanding of things. and its not his business to speculate on these things or interfere but seeing as he is also an automaton theres probably some kind of obligation on his end to fix this himself. obviously. no sense getting around it

so his plan is to reset boyd + wipe his memory and hopefully that should get him back to his "default" and make everything right, and that should also be easy enough to do because hes a robot he understands how being a robot works except one not really he does not and two lugnut and boyd operate on two VERY different systems bc lugnut's is all archaic. and insane. so it fails (which is yknow overall good for boyd he didnt get mindwiped basically) but it does make boyd all wonky bc its a failed reset obviously and lugnut's immediately full of regret like ohhhhhhh this unit has fucked up. diagnosis of situation: Bad. bad bad bad bad bad . so he tries to plop boyd back down on gyro's doorstep and also try to say sorry for you know breaking his kid hes like 90% sure none of his directives involve doing that (also the fact that boyd behaving all wacked out is reminding him a little too much of his own condition OOPS that does not feel good .)

understandably as you can imagine gyro freaks the hell out like one thats his son also boyd's had enough messing with his programming to last for Forever also thats his SON !! so lugnut escapes his lethal combination nerd + parent rage and gyro does get boyd fixed up eventually but still a scary scenario for boyd to go through ! my g0d ! probably especially bc like since this is boyd we're talking about here i imagine he'd have a lot of sympathy for lugnut and relate to him a lot and also kind of want to help him ? like hey you can choose not to be a killer robot. i promise there are options.. and then you know it doesnt pan out well :v[ to say in the least

anyways the whole thing has lugnut doubling down even harder on his self destructive and like 9/10 times Regular Destructive quest to find his original directives and super give up on having any hope that he can learn how to be a person bc he just made a choice all on his own with his own extrapolated logic no orders no nothing and it went. so bad. clearly he should just never make a decision ever again bc he can only make Bad Ones. he should let other people make his decisions for him forever and ever so he never has to undergo anything like that ever again. this is normal. he is definitely not spiraling (sarcastic) (but things get worse before they get better so its okay)

[kendrixtermina]

Now here's an all new theory for where the procrastination comes from

Like the uni councilors thought of like generic selfhate insecurity or like spineless ppl pleasing (nope an anime cured me of that when I was 13 - thst sounded more like what that ladys own problems might be), fear or failure & wanting to spite my father, eveb that getting ahead through "talent" was an unfair advantage bad tainted and evil, or that "talent" meant being beholden and controlled by others (definitely somewhat right - we worked on that, it helped, the second guy was defs much much more helpful & compatible cause he focussed a lot more on strategies than wannabe-maternal pep talks) but there was always something else there that wasnt getting touched

In tje end I dont think I have talent and in any case what really matters is attitude toward "living the examined life" for example whst you do. What you notice.

Now I did notice that things get harder to do precisely because I actually want them(whereas a lot of ppl get distracted from stuff because they dont really want it) - at the same time I can totally function or pick up new habits in day to day life its not like I have some "hardware problem" like, say, ADHD or the like.

Like of course its some emotional knot it couldnt be anything else but I feel they didnt identify what kind of knot? Certainly not that first lady. If im trying to get clarity and you give me reassuring pep talks you just freak me out more for the love of god tell me whats happening. Nothing worse when a Doctor says "it will be over soon" rather than explain the procedure

Fear of/ distraction from wanting itself never really occured to me thats not a common stereotypical fear that ppl talk about.

Let me get this straight I never thought I was better than anyone I knew very well that I'm not. I thought of both those things as ways not to get bullied, maybe get somewhere where I feel that im in the right place.

If I look back at really breaking experiences it was times I really really wanted something and then I couldnt do it or some outside party stepped on my fingers. That Tori Amos Music Video where she escapes from a psycho killer's trunk and then the passerby's dont help her? That was my most favorite music video in the world for years maybe still is.

Like I was told I could maybe skip third grade and I poured all my energy and passion and strenght into that everything I had to do well, make friends with the new class i was so highly motivated I aced all the exams I felt so happy & fulfilled just being in thst flow state all the time... i wanted this more than anything. Maybe it was the first time I really wanted something beyond vague dreams or base desires. But the homeroom teacher hated my guts and put the kibosh on that; Probably because I was unwittingly repeating some of the artogant classist shit my father spouts without realizing how hurtful it is. my parents thought it wasnt worth going to the higher ups for that but having to essentially redo 4th grade in a crap school in the different town we moved to was one of the worst times of my life. Also I didnt find out that the teacher had hated me/acted in a petty way until years after I thought I just failed. That there was a possible place I could have belonged but turns out I really belong nowhere after all.

All my effort was for nothing. It was such a joy - i mean these days even getting code to work or solving math problems has that same joy - but all that effort and joy and wanting did was that... im tearing up and searching for the words to even process this tbh. I think I denied that joy, told myself that I was just a stupud kid thinking I was a special snowflake. It didnt even matter.

Rather than insist on staying up late to make sure my homework was done I just stopped caring and hardly did another piece of homework in my life just faking it on the spot or coasting through. It could have gone another way maybe if it werent for the bullies and my father the chief bully or if only I was more determined but it was like "okay I dont care anymore I just dont care" and I think thats stayed my default response to dissapointment to this day.

This TV show didnt turn out like I wanted? I dont care its just a tv show.

My father treated be with hatred all my life? Its okay I dont care about him and I dont want his love anyway.

Like there were other times when I thought I could be happy.

Like I really wanted to go to this boarding school for gifted kids. Again I thought maybe incorrectly that this would be a place where I can belong and not be bullied it was never about being better than anyone.

Again I wanted it I clamored and cried and made noise nonstop. Maybe I still hadnt wholly lost contact with willpower back then. I still thought of myself as strong willed.

And my father made me regret it. It was around the same time that mom briefly considered divorce maybe I was just the stress valve. Or he took it personally as wanting to get away from him. Duh he abused me of course I wanted away from him. He was such a suffocating control freak! Mom said yes first then he spoke to her and suddenly she followed everything he said. Thats when I really realized how emotionally manipulative was how abusive... i mean one of my first conscious memories of him is thinking "oh crap I will be just like cinderella" but he really laid it on so thick so transparently even a 10 year old could tell its manipulation. If you do this you dont love your mom. If you do this you dont love your siblings. If you dont obey me your mom will kill herself. No she wont you jerk even my 2 year old self could tell youre abusive.

The most cruel thing he did was briefly say yes. Again I got so happy. So invested. Just bending all I was towards that even though he bombarded me with abuse and mental torture.

And then on the day we were supposed to leave he said no youre not going.

Maybe I actually did say I didnt want to go because of one time he was doing this constant scientology type torture on me

That same reaction: "I dont want it I dont want anything so please please let me be"

Ppl think of bad childhoods as a game that you win if yoz turn 18 -or 28 maybe - without killing yourself. But its not. Every year you live it can take away from your potential. Every day less than you have to live it

He sure didnt let me have sucess with his overcontrol and abuse. Anything I was proud of he rules. When I graduated from school with a fairly good but not perfevt final score he humiliated me. When I turned 18 he humiliated me. Everything I did was a burden even just feeding and washing me. Hed give me unwanted white elephant gifts then bitch about how giving them to me ruined his life cause he had to work so muxh "Ingrate Ingrate Ingrate" Butch I never asked for anything I want nothing!

But as I had to eat I did in fact have to ask things of him and I hated it so much.

No wonder that I turned out afraid of wanting things eh?

Hed seen some poster when we went to see tje school I wanted to go to - not by the school by an individual student - about the history of abortion portrayed in a positive way or at least that was his official reason why I couldnt go. Again I had wanted something badly with all my being and again all my being availed nothing. Irrelevant like I didnt exist. All my screaming gone unheard.

And this is so silly cause im not a child anymore I have control and if I were to stop procrastinating I could have money and gave even more control.

I havent even spoken to him in years now hes no longer relevant. Its not about him its about thus bad pattern I picked up.

I like how this books handles it with the idea that certain experiences dont create the type but that it nakes you uniquely suceotible to certain kinds of hurt or certain misunderstandings.

Because with all this discourse about bad message free media ive really come to think that while it can and should be minimized its not possible to eradicate cause human mibds are so quicl so fallible to extract overgeneralizations and make it mean something abput themselves

Like an immature statistical learning model easily overtrained by noisy data.

Another time I was nearly happy was when I started looking for work, doing my thesis...

Same pattern I was engaged, happy to be engaged talking to ppl at both work and in the uni work group loving it all so much...

my life had started to feel meaningful again. And it had gotten to that point in part because of my ex-fiance. Yes the councelling heloed taking up meditation helped, getting high on morning glory that one time helped a whole lot got more self esteem from that than I ever got from my father.

But that all started because of my ex fiance.

He was an i tellectual type and he had a sense of purpose about him like hes a legendary character and everyone around him became legendary too. And he found me useful! Others had called me "walking dictionary" with mockery and scorn he called me his google and it meant love and admiration. Maybe I got a bit of an ego trip off of tjat but I also really stupidly dumbtastically loved him I bragged of him to anyobe who listened everything he did seemed fascinating abd interesting and meaningful, but also I just loved the sweet gentle warmth of being next to him in the morning. Once again I was happy and everything was joyful even when it was hard, I felt strong and meaningful and useful and I let myself openly want things.

And then it all blew up. Worse yet i was so mistaken abozt him it really shook my confidence in my own judgement or any sense of clarity. I was si confused during the fucking breakup like I hadnt been since I left my father's house.

Google hah! More like his personal Alexa! It turns out he didnt respect or like me at all.

I couldnt even be sad or angry cause it was all my mistake. The one feeling I allowed - and even that took me weeks to identify - is dissapointment. Heavy leaden dissapointment i didnt even kniw that was a feeling you could feel so strongly. I didnt even do anything wrong you have to open yourself to have love. He could habe choosen to love me he just simply didnt. He probably thought he did but he wouldnt evebn do something as simple as not make fun of my voice or clean when I am sick.

Once he started putting me in the "wife" role he just became unable to see me. His loss really cause I think he wanted to keep me from all those annoying texts and email he had the nerve to write.

By all means I was right to trust but also right to leave later but still my sense of certainty and purpose and meaning was totally shaken. He did the sort of romantic stuff I didnt think was real. I knew I loved him when we had this conversation about water on mars. He got me the perfect books for my birthday! He said I was pretty and a genius and looked just like an actress. He got me this titanic esque heart pendant with stars. We were stuck at midnight in a train station that one time and he pulled out a picnic rug two plastic glasses and a shampain bottle. It never worked out but he said he might take me to see the LHC! I really thought we would be buried in the same hole folks!. He had read that same steven Hawkings book that I loved. One of the rather few books he actually read as I would find. Sigh.

And I fell right back into that same old pattern. Dont care about anything dont want anything it would be stuoid unrealistic and silly to want.

When I first came to uni I also had this feeling of hapiness and belongingness and wanting, I was putting in an effort, talking to ppl more.. and when things went wrong the slightest bit I pulled by hand back from that like from an open flame.

And here I am years later most the sucess or contact I get is comments on my fanfictions.

I thought I was doing that, or drawing, because its Stakes/Evaluation-free (going by the fear of failure theory) or because at least with the ffs gratification/payoff for effort is immediate compared to original stuff or uni work. Its a nice little niche at least.

I mean I do care about it its not "just" distraction but maybe ive been profaning it in that way... and so etimes I dont even do that and go for full unadulterated undebatable distraction; Line to 7 I guess. Tje only reason I spoke face to face to anyone else than the delivery guy this week is that I had some doctors appointments.

But not its distraction from stuff Im too lazy to do or even from pressure like I always thought. But from wanting things.

So the original fiction went great while it was a distraction from school not so much when its one of the things I most want and actually have the time to do it.

Even thought thats the most practiced skill I have that I never stopped working on since I was 10. 🤦‍♀️

I mean they already explained that its basically like meditation. Or weeds. Or popup ads. Youve got to click them away as they pop up.

I always told myself thst I didnt have to be happy... and thats not even untrue actually but it would sure be neat to be happy again one of these days.

[gg-astrology]

Can I request a Capricorn sun Virgo moon combo?? There isn't much on them and I love your in depth descriptions 💕 (my ascendant is libra if that's important lol)

Aaaaah I’ll love to help out!! 💜💜 As for your asc here’s a post about it:

Libra ASC ❤️

I’ll do the Capricorn-Virgo moon combo now!💜💜

[Below Cut: Capricorn Sun - Virgo Moon 🍯]

The Grind Never Stops

With the mental busybody attitude of Virgo combined with Capricorn-- this is the kind of person who would be restless staying ~relaxed~ for a long time thus they’re always on the Grind, finding something to be Interested in and Do 

Likes to be stimulated, or at least like moving. It can be something as simple as moving from the bed to the couch, or noticing the stain in the kitchen counter and then taking the time to clean it off, finding a hobby or activity they could enjoy alone/spend their time productively

Most Virgos aren’t like-- super cleanly people anyways, but with the Capricorn/Virgo combination they’re most likely to be ‘busy’ because they’re bored.

Boredom is essentially-- their biggest enemy, with nothing to do/pursue in their immediate horizon, these people get restlessly frustrated with their freedom and needs to like-- find SOMETHING to work on/add to their talents

They’re either always learning/studying something, or they just have to do/run around and do chores in order to keep busy

It’s never a good idea for a Capricorn/Virgo to stay still for long and while sometimes its like ‘hey social interactions :)))’ for friends (rejoice!!) -- most of the time they just-- do things alone/at their own time-pace y know ( ‘oh we’re uninvited :((’) 

They’re adamantly self-sufficient, stubbornly independent. They don’t need you but you kinda need them. The type of people who’ll probably self-study or read self-help books, and take up a new hobby. 

Probably search the internet ---wikihow/youtube tutorials to do things--- rather than ask someone else to teach them/guide them 

Although they’re quite self-sufficient, and is mostly willing to give you some tips/guidelines if they care about you. If you bother them too much, they can get frustrated with ur lack of self-sufficiency and that is the start of a ranting session 

If there’s any placement that can be considered practical, pragmatic and demonstrative-- it’s this one. They’re systematic and methodical, have their own ways of doing things/their own methods and techniques, can be sly, street-smart, cunning. But most often than not-- they’re very protective of their private space/autonomous being

You can’t force them to be in a group, they have to choose to do so. You can’t force them to abide by societal norms/assume things about them, they’ll hate being ‘assumed’ things about or losing control of certain things.

It’s like....sometimes Capricorn/Virgo doesn’t even like people doing stuff for them, they’ll just look at you and say ‘did I ask for this??’ because thats the kind of person they are--- independently self-sufficient. To the point where they want to have a say, an in, a voice in whatever it is they want/do/going to get.

These people would be the kind to say no to dirty money, dishonest plans or anything of the like just because it goes against their control/way of doing things. 

I’m not saying they’re morally upright all the time, I’m just saying that if they don’t feel like they’re working for something that’s going to be personally fulfilling to them (emotionally, Virgo moon -- productive/efficient energy) -- they’re the kind of people who values themselves/their own fulfillment more than the end results.

Sometimes you see them turning down absurd once in a life time opportunities/deals  -- mostly because the cost of it out-weighs their emotional gain. They’re in the search for fulfillment, and if it’s going to cost more than what will make them feel best (or can handle) in themselves-- then these people won’t likely say yes to it.

They’d rather cut the problem at the stem than wait for it to blossom and hurt others/them, which can--- y know, make them really blunt and straight-forward individuals. Sometimes it comes out harshly because they’re just so straight-to-the-point, although Capricorn/Virgos will generally try to explain their truths/honesty out so the other person get that they don’t mean any harm.

If it’s something they’re avoiding, or procrastinating from-- then these Capricorn/Virgo has a habit of looking the other direction and acting busy with other things instead of dealing with their own situation. Denial and conscious ignoring of something is strong in this one, and they’d rather fall into existential dread/cold sweat as the times grows longer-- than having to deal with something on the get go (esp. emotions)

Disassociation-- like mentally disconnect and you can see it physically in their face is also a hallmark of Capricorn/Virgo. They’re the type where they get anxious/frantic and feel dread creeping up their backs/necks-- they turn light/playful try to elevate the situation so they don’t freak out ( ‘ this is fine’ ) -- they have a habit of making things more serene, calming when they’re actually panicking. It’s like their default to panic is to just-- meditate and keep this posture that if they can ‘fake it then they’ll make it’

If there’s any advice i can give to them, is that you’ll notice that you’re sensitive to your own failures. You’re very critical of yourself, and you’re motivated by your own fears/insecurities. Striving to be perfectionist at something, but indecisive and can sometimes throw yourself (cut yourself off) into a job/work/project. 

You are sometimes a little too harsh, and can’t understand what it means to fail and be ok with something. Your pride, ego and hallmark are put on your achievements, pursuits and your success in life. Thus sometimes, when you invest so much into something-- it’s the fear/self-limitations that makes you nervous/cower and motivates you to do more things to ‘prevent’ failure from happening 

Accepting yourself and being nice to yourself is hard, in a way that you’ll need to learn how to be ok with not having material success all the time. You’ll need to learn how to not be prudent/frugal with your interests, instead of sharpening your focus in one direction and cutting everything else off-- you will need to know how to find balance and harmony with giving importance (emotionally, psychologically and spiritually importance) to everything else as well

Broad-- not narrow, which you can sometimes do. Learn how to accept yourself so that you can accept others too.

I hope this helps!! 💜💜💜 

[tumblunni]

Misc thoughts of rambling development for my new yokai watch ocs family of hugs and sadness (blythe the Dimmy and amber the Gorgeous Ambassador)

* Amber was totally still Gorgeous Ambassador at heart even back when he was human. I feel like he probably dressed very plain and was very self concious for a long time, as well as also being poor as dirt so it wasnt really easy to be super fashion time. Perhaps the only way he was really able to be remotely flambouyant or pretty was just having a long ponytail that he was very proud of. It would have been easier to maintain a shorter hairstyle when you're struggling to even find somethibg to eat each day let alone a bath, but it just helped him hold on to a tiny bit of confidence. Even when he reincarnated as Gorgeous Ambassador he was still unconfident for a long time and it took all these centuries to fully embrace The Power Of Gorgeous. He was probably really shocked when he got his medal registered and heard his new yokai name, like uhh excuse me "must beautiful man who spreads beauty through the world with his smile" are you sure there hasnt been a mixup??? And nowadays he's become so happy with himself that he maybe dresses a little bit gaudy sometimes, but if you saw how he used to feel then you'd absolutely be cheering for him!

* he was probably worried that Blythe wouldn't recognise him when he finally managed to reunite with them, but i think the lil shadow ghost instantly knew it was their brother and ran straight into the biggest hug ever. "Im worried they'll think im all cringe and gaudy" NO UR LIL SIB IS IN AWE OF YOUR FASHION POWER AND HAPPY FOR YOUR CONFIDENCE

* I also think Amber would absolutely be proud of how much confidence Blythe has gained through travelling with the protagonist and co. Like "aaa the last time i saw you you were so tiny and shy!" "Yes, now i'm tall and shy!" "NUUUU STOP PUTTING YOURSELF DOWN"

* basically they are absolutely Shyness Fam, and Amber just approaches his anxieties differently with over-the-top fake boasting about his greatness instead of being honest about how bad he feels. So thats why itd be so heartwarming to see him genuinely making progress and genuinely seeing good parts of himself. ALL THANKS TO THE INTERNATIONAL GORGEOUSNESS ASSOCIATION OF THE AFTERLIFE, YES *cheesy makeover ads fly by in the background*

* Dimmy's fave food is rice balls not just cos ninja monster = rice balls, but cos for Blythe specifically it brings back happy memories of backstory ninja Amber in ye olden days packing lunches of love for his tiny friend. He was always broke in between finding bountys to hunt, so he was never able to cook anything too fancy, but those simple meals became associated with childhood in Blythe's heart. All the times this big strong human swordsman would have a moment of gentleness and offer his last bit of food to a useless little yokai like them. ("No!! You're a valued part of the team!! And growing children need this more than i do!! Besides, i'm so tough i don't need to eat." *stands up for a minute and blacks out*)

* Since this backstory took place before thee yokai watch was invented, you cant technically say Amber was Blythe's previous watchholder but like.. He totally was? Same formula of being a human you partner with and then go around fighting/befriending other yokai. I like to think that maybe before yokai medals became the latest trend and they set up the whole official regulated medal registration process, yokai would still give their human friends some sort of token of their friendship but it was just less organised. Like imbuing their soul energy into all sorts of shit like This Leaf I Found or One Shoe. Which could be used in the same way to summon them but obv was less conveinient, haha! I'm thinking maybe Blythe's bond object was just a neat rock, cos they were so young and didnt really own anything else to gift to this human. Like all they had was the coal from the hearth in the house they used to haunt, but thatd be too crumbly so they dug through to find the sturdiest and prettiest rock and Amber was like straigjt up crying from how touched this whole thing made him. I WILL TREASURE THIS PEBBLE MY TINY MONSTER CHILD...

* oh but just to rub salt in the wound i think he couldnt find it again when he woke up floating over his own burned corpse in the wreckage of his final fateful battle. There uhh..wasnt much of himself left, let alone anything he was holding. Itd kinda have to be that way cos if it worked like a yokai medal itd mean Amber could have instantly reunited with his friend and cut out all of these years of sad backstory, alas

* ok but imagine the cute and sweet emotionalness of then being able to swap medals when they see each other again, and have an actual magical guarantee of never losing their family ever again.

* I feel like Amber only initially agreed to join the Gorgeous Association because he wanted to get a job in the yokai world and save up to buy a decent house and decent level of income so that there would be a hapoy home waiting for his child whenever he finally found them. He didnt really believe that he had the potential to be a fashion icon, he just went along with it as an employment opportunity in his weird new ghost life. But OH NO, accidental self confidence!! (We are all very proud of him)

* oh and the Gorgeous Association doesnt work 100% identical to the anime version, i just like the anime's general concept. I feel like Gorgeous Ambassador is indeed a yokai species and not just a title, its less 'you were chosen by random lottery' and more 'you were chosen by destiny'...? Shy people who have potential to be fashion icons just tend to end up becoming the shy-people-with-potential-to-become-fashion-icons yokai, aka this. And the Gorgeous Association takes responsibility for finding all new Gorgeouses and training them to use their new powers instead of just staying in their shyness. Its more of a self help club? Oh and also the membership is full of other types of fashion yokai too, its not just Gorgeous Ambassadors. Just its only Gorgeous Ambassadors that get visited by the president as soon as they die and given a special invitation to join. So basically interpreting Gorgeous Ambassador as more 'this yokai is named that cos its powers are about encouraging people to be more confident aka introducing them to the world of fashion'. And less the idea that all Gorgeous Ambassadors used to be a different type of yokai and you can only become one by being picked by the club lottery. And also that its just a costume with no actual powers?? That was funny in the anime but i prefer if they actually could inspirit people and make them more confident and stuff.

* I FEEL LIKE IM EXPLAINING THIS BADLY, SORRY! Ok so uhh like yknow some clubs are all exclusive entry "you are not this thing til you join"? Like you cant be a country club member til you join the country club, and the sense of comeraderie there is just all being rich enough to pay for membership rather than having anything in common. But then there's stuff like lgbt groups or mental health support groups where youre all already the same thing and thats WHY you join the club. Anime version had Gorgeous Association be a country club and Gorgeous Ambassador be just a membership name rather than a real yokai form. Which, again, was really funny but i feel like it only works in a more gag focused series like the anime. Here i'm interpreting it that you can just be born in the species Gorgeous Ambassador, same as any other yokai like jibanyan or whatever, and it actually does have its own special powers and stuff. And its just that the Gorgeous Association sends out invites to any newborn yokai that have fashion related powers. So not all Gorgeous Ambassadors actually join the Gorgeous Association. Oh and Kageusuo is the actual yokai species name for those unaffiliated ones. The anime seemed to say that kageusuo was an unrelated new yokai that isnt in the games, that was just invented to have a form that Gorgeous Ambassador had before he became Gorgeous Ambassador. But i have Other Ideas

* i'll make it a new bullet point cos im getting all disorganized now aaaa

* ok so Kageusuo (or my fanmade eng dub name Shamshade) is Gorgeous Ambassador. Same thing. Same species. Kageusuo is a yokai personifying the idea of a fashionable beautiful person who never reached their potential in life due to social anxiety/bullying. Like an 'ugly duckling' story. Their default form is this shadowy looking depressed dude because their power is that they drain shadows from people, vampire style. This makes you 'less overshadowed", so you become more confident and people notice your unique style! But kageusuo cant use its powers on itself, so a lot of them stay in this shy form forever and just continue repeating the same overshadowed life they have as a human. The fabulous form that Gorgeous Ambassador has in the games is just simply the same yokai dressing differently- a kageusuo that managed to conquer its anxieties from its past life and take steps to embrace its true self! But theyre not actually any different in terms of powers, theyre still shadow vampires and their power to make people fabulous is just them eating your shadow. It was something they could already do before they became fabulous themself, now theyre just confident enough to match their powers, yknow? And also unrelatedly there's a club called Gorgeous Association that this particular kageusuo joined, which personally helped him in his journey of self confidence so he goes by the nickname Gorgeous Ambassador to advertise it. (Which is even more nicknamed into Amber cos he thinks it sounds cute)

* WHY ARE MY HEADCANONS SO OVERCOMPLICATED AAAaa

* anyway just imagine a vampire movie but its a supermodel lurching out of the shadows groaning "I VANT TO SUCK YOUR ANXIETY" and then when he bites you you become more confident. This is a Good Concept so i will somehow find a way to use it, dammit!! *b movie music* "OH NO THE MONSTER GOT TERRY" *terry suddenly wearing applebottom jeans*

* also imagine all of that but also the dude is a weird samurai being all "wow the wonders of the future" about thos applebottom jeans

* why do all my headcanons start as angst and end up as nonsense like this

[survivor-all-stars-blog]

EP 16: "Bitterness Breeds Bitterness" - Pat

JAKE’S EXIT INTERVIEW

Well, that was definitely some kind of something, huh?

The bitter 'I got outplayed so I'l just gonna spill everything’ speech is a hallowed tradition of Tumblr Survivor that’s been around for as long as I can remember. It’s gotten to the point where you almost NEED to gameplan for it. Personally, I’m thoroughly /*shocked*/ that it came from Jakey, who has already taken the personal attack route with me and others, and who enjoyed Naonka enough as a character to use her as an icon.

Anyway, I’m not upset by it half as much as some are. I think I’m pretty well-documented as being someone who never puts any stock in those speeches because, in my eyes, they’re not part of the game. And they can be so easily manipulated to serve others’ purposes. So I’d be a pretty big hypocrite to lend this one much stock, either. But I feel like there are a few things I do have to straighten out from that speech, in no specific order.

1. Wes isn’t “wiping my ass.” He’s the one who’s been taking me to account, probably more than anybody else in the game. Wes and I both have the same end goal, but our means of going about it are very different. I daresay I’d have an easier time of it without him acting as the voice of reason and dissent. Just because I was willing to take a risk to keep him safe doesn’t mean he’s a lackey. Far from it. Sorry you didn’t have any allies who cared enough to stick their necks out for you this round, Jake.

2. Kait isn’t “letting her game be run by a man.” Congratulations, you deduced that Kait and I have a strong partnership. But that’s the key word that you seem to be missing: PARTNER. Kait and I have discussed every decision we’ve made together. As a unit. I’m not telling her what to do, she’s not telling me what to do. If anything, this vote was exceptionally difficult because for the first time so far this game, our interests didn’t align. I think it says a lot about a strong partnership when both parties are willing to take risks to help each other out. Sorry your only strong ally wasn’t able to prevent voting you out this round, but that’s so far from anyone else’s problem but yours that it’s laughable. If your social game were stronger, you wouldn’t have had this issue.

3. Yes, I’ll fully admit to putting my game between Kait and Lydia. You got that part right, and that won’t be an easy decision when they do definitively split. But until they do… it’s gotten me farther than your strategy of putting your game between a rock and a hard place.

4. If I were running things, or if everyone were doing what I said, you’d have been out of this game four rounds ago. Slow your fucking roll.

And that’s the last bit of electronic ink I’ll be spilling on that.

Next order of business: reassure Jimmy and Jenn. I know the latter isn’t too pleased with me, and I need to rectify that whether she decides to come for me or not. I think I underestimated how emotionally some people are choosing to play this game and, for my money, no winner title is worth causing permanent damage to any friendship. I think it’s pretty telling that the game in which I got furthest is also a game with one of the tightest casts in the community. Moves were made because they were necessary, but not with malice or anger. Whereas you look at a season like, say, Sri Lanka… I don’t think they’re all that close, and that’s WITH the advantage of having tight duos prior to the game. Why aren’t they tight? The game got too needlessly contentious.

Anyway, I digress. My point is that bitterness breeds bitterness. I’m not about that life, and I hope I’m sitting in the final three so I can treat Jakey with kindness in a way that I don’t recall him treating anyone.

honestly thank god for the “day off” because i feel like just about all of us were at our wits end last night and especially with the ugly shit jake said when he left, i could definitely use a day to just relax a bit and search for this jewel thing when i have time.

i didn’t make a confessional leading up to that vote last night because i was too busy like focusing on the task at hand, which ended up getting away from me anyways because people just can’t keep their shit together.

Plan A was to vote MJ under the guise that we were all voting Jake end of story done. i don’t think it necessarily would’ve gone off without a hitch but i think we had the opportunity to do it and it got squandered because mj was telling jake he was gonna use his vote reveal on jenn, then telling lydia he was gonna use it on me. meanwhile i’m sitting here like why in the world is he telling all of this shit to lydia???? she really trying to replicate her animal crossing game and sit her ass in the middle of everyone again and lemme tell you i’m not about to let that happen again. i want to be in that position and i want people to be too afraid to do anything about it etc.

some highlights from yesterday - lying to mj’s face on call then turning around the entire conversation and watchign alyssa edwards videos on youtube, telling jake on call that i want to save him and don’t want him to leave (all true), but my hands are tied esp knowing that there was a plot to get me out last round started by mj (which was then confirmed by not only him, but jack later on after lydia and pat both told me), jack calling me immediately after and me accidentally telling him that wes is after the maslaysia fam so then jack IMMEDIATELY jumps into making this big ass convoluted plan to vote wes out this round which completely messes up ALL OF THE PLANS THAT WE HAD MADE, then he calls the COMPLETE maslaysia chat and then we’re sitting there talking in the jimmy’s angels chat like ………….what are we supposed to say there’s no way we’re voting wes. anyway i told pat about this and literally told him not to leak, which then of course he leaks immediately to wes and lydia so thats cool i love a good trusting partnership. we got it shut down p quickly and just told jack we wanted to still vote jake. sdgklsd idk I DONT KNOW

this happened later last night

[2/9/2017 8:00:02 PM] mj ultra . _/: Also, on a more serious note: I’m gonna be watching IASIP for the rest of the night and just kinda of, take a step back and reset my mind.

I know we weren’t in the same page, at all, this round. Mostly my fault. Hopefully you give me the chance to talk things through tomorrow.

Thanks for not voting me out [2/9/2017 8:00:29 PM] kait ~~/: yeah i was gonna say i think we both need t just like [2/9/2017 8:00:33 PM] kait ~~/: sit back and talk things out tomorrow [2/9/2017 8:00:38 PM] kait ~~/: thanks for not voting me out either [2/9/2017 8:00:50 PM] mj ultra . _/: LSHSKDJDJ [2/9/2017 8:00:54 PM] mj ultra . _/: Why are we like this… [2/9/2017 8:00:56 PM] mj ultra . _/: LDJSKDHSJDHDJD [2/9/2017 8:01:01 PM] kait ~~/: ;) [2/9/2017 8:01:12 PM] mj ultra . _/: “Thanks for not voting me out!” “Thanks for not voting me out… either!” [2/9/2017 8:01:25 PM] mj ultra . _/: There will never be another MJ/Kait… know that.

tfw you both know damn well the other was trying to get each other out last round and both failed miserably so you still gotta pretend to be best friends!! jk he still my buddy regardless of waht happesnjkgd but still

Drunk Lydia is my favorite Lydia

I think this format of Touchy Subjects in this game is a shame. Because of the way answers have to be given, there’s a very real chance that we won’t be getting what people are really thinking. And strategy is nice, but when you can’t answer two names it’s going to be a crapshoot full of throwaway names winning rounds and someone fluking into a win.

That said, here’s what I REALLY think:

Which player has absolutely no idea what’s going on? Jimmy. Possibly by choice? He seems like the type who thrives on social game far more than strategic.

Who is always left out of plans until the last minute? Would’ve said Steffen until this round… and actually, still will. Would’ve said Jimmy took the crown this round but he wasn’t even filled in. Which was not great.

Who here is hands down the biggest threat to win? Oh god. This is anyone’s game. I think people are saying me, but are you really such a big threat if everyone knows it and everyone will be gunning to take you down?

Out of everyone left, who least fits the category of “all star”? Based on past placements, me by a country mile. Still amazed that I was cast, even as an alternate, let alone that I got so far.

Who is the rudest person in the game? Each person will have a different answer to this. Personally, I’ve seen such limited amounts of rudeness from anyone left. Just a lot of tension and frustration boiling over. MJ by default, I guess, for being the only person left in the game who was involved in that ugly Logan vote.

Which player did not live up to your expectations? Jenn, unfortunately. Love her to death but our strategic talk has been so limited.

Which player do the hosts like the least? After the bitching I’ve done about this challenge and my obnoxiously long confessionals, I’d say me.

Which player does the Viewing Lounge likes the most? The VL always loves an underdog. But who’s the underdog? Steffen? Any of Malaysia? I’m inclined to say MJ because he seems almost like a lone wolf at this point.

Even though we’re only at Final 9, who here has zero chance of winning the game? Nobody. We’re all here, we all have paths to the end and to win. Some paths are more fraught with complications than others.

Who is the most manipulative? Either me or Kait. I bet Lydia gets a few votes here, too.

Who does not deserve to be here? Nobody. If you’re able to make final 9 of an all-star game, you absolutely deserve to be here.

If you could not win the game, who would you most like to see win? Kait, Lydia, Wes. Any of those three and I’d be over the moon. A Steffen win would make me happy too.

Who do you sometimes confuse with a piece of cardboard because they are so bland and boring? Heh. Me. I’m already frequently called a saltine, so just take off the salt and I fit this.

Who will never wake up and play the game? Jimmy… because he’s asleep when a lot of things are going on. :P Nah. I think he’s playing the best way he knows how, but he’s either not about the strategy game or doesn’t know how to segue into it.

Who is most likely to have an idol? I’m thinking MJ, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Wes had something.

Who is your best friend in the game? Kait. Sorry, Lydia and Wes, she beat you out by a hair. Y'all are still some of my favourite people.

Who will never win an immunity challenge? JACK. No, probably me. With this track record of no flash games (i.e., my one strong suit) I’m typically competitive but not the best.

Out of everyone left, who is the biggest fan of Benjamin “Coach” Wade? Um duh. Coach for life. Only person in the entire community who could fight me on this is Ari.

Which player is the most likely to have recently watched a Scooby Doo marathon? Steffen or Lydia, I think. No particular reason beyond personality.

Which player is too honest for their own good? Me. It’s what caused this whole mess this round. I couldn’t lie to anyone. The leaking put everyone I’m close to in a state of panic, and I still regret it.

I love you Lydia!!!!!!!!

I just enjoy this.

[2017-01-31 11:07:41 PM] Owen (Myanmar Host): gg jenn/jimmy/kait! [2017-02-07 10:14:03 PM] carson (tibet host): kait, jenn, jimmy? [2017-02-07 10:14:04 PM] carson (tibet host): good job [2017-02-09 10:43:02 PM] jakey: FUCK THE MALAY-CULT!!!!!!111 gg jenn jimmy kait

[ x ]

[09:50:43 PM] kait ~~/: I've been sitting here freaking because Lydia is so calm [09:51:14 PM] mj ultra . _/: isn't acceptance the last stage of grief