#i mean yes ok sure he would be dead by now anyhow I AM AWARE

[theydoctor]

i just. i just want to gently tuck leslie's hair back when it falls out of place. like you know that little lock of hair that sometimes hangs a bit into his face? yeah... i want to tenderly run my hand through it.

[biotchthatmeows]

#tw #suicideawarness #triggering #depression #suicide #substanceabuse

Ah! So suicide awareness month eh. Well I don't know where to burst out exactly because people don't really care about it but ok let's try it here at good ol' Tumblr.

So, where I live we don't have any suicide helpline or any awareness programs or anything at all regarding mental health. I mean don't get me wrong we would adapt western media full fledge when it's Valentine's Day or some other ridiculous thing but no one wants to talk about suicide because it doesn't bring trp and people are already sad and I agree it's true.

But we gotta talk about suicide, man, come on. I am sorry but at least I think I should.

I have never really openly said it but I have given hints many times. But I am openly saying it that I suffer from very severe depression and anxiety plus Bipolar personality disorder. Which means I am either going through maniac episode or depressive episode almost everyday (you can Google them).

And yes, I have tried to kill myself multiple times. And turns out like most things in my life I am not really good at it. Since, I am writing this. Which is why whoever is reading this, I am taking your time (thanks btw).

I was always a little different since my childhood as compared to others. I liked being alone a lot and writing things instead of talking to a person. Because whenever I tried to make a friend I would do something wrong and they go away. So, at one point I stopped trying and I realized something that people around me dont really like me.

Even my teachers kind of didn't like me because I would just randomly ask the most peculiar questions. For example when we were reading *book spoiler* George Orwell's 1984, everyone in the class was worried for the hero when he was being tortured but I asked or told my teacher that 'okay so, his fear for the mouse was bigger than the love for the girl and it okay to betray her?' and everyone was like that was not the point. I am sorry, I got districted and I am sure most people wouldn't get the reference.

Anyway, my point is that I always had and have questions about things when people should keep their mouth shut. At least one shouldn't questioned these things.

But that is still the thing with me, when you or someone makes a prominent statement there should be a reason or at least an explanation behind it but I was called blasphemous for questioning them. And that was fine with me but calling me blasphemous didn't get you out of the position of not able to justify your statement.

So, throughout my life I was called many things, spoiled, brat, weird, drama queen, actress, attention seeker. I can go on and on.

I don't know about rest of the names but I am pretty sure I wasn't spoiled. My parents were never the type to hand over the money because you asked for it. They were kind of people who wouldn't even give you money even when you actually need and beg for it. They would give you the thing instead that you need the money for or you don't get it at all for example school picnics and events or the bag you really really wanted.

So, well when you don't get things. You eventually start doing bad things such lying a lot and stealing stuff. And it keeps growing and growing and even though deep down you know how wrong you are but then you don't know how to stop because you are getting things you want.

Okay, off the topic again. What I am trying to say that I was maybe lot of things that people said but I wasn't spoiled. I was physically abused and eventually realize mentally abused too. And things weren't really okay with me. I won't take it like most people do.

My brain wouldn't stop thinking about them and I was becoming more and more irrational as days goes by. And I was thinking what if I was dead and that would make things lot more easier for me and the people around me.

Eventually, that idea became more and more intense and growing around I always heard people say that if a person kills themself they would never be forgiven and it was the greatest sin ever.

But then those people would also say that not praying is the greatest sin and you won't be forgiven for that ever.

And then not believing in one God is also the biggest is of all sin and you won't be forgiven for that ever.

And then saying hurtful things to people is also the biggest sin and you won't forgiven until that person forgives you.

So, which one was the biggest sin? All of them? Because then those same people would say that God would forgive you for all your sins if you repent and because God is most forgiving. Even more forgiving then your own mother.

So, my curious brain once again started asking questions. For which again I was told that I shouldn't because it was wrong and blasphemy.

Meanwhile, my mental health was decling day after day but no one really noticed because in our society their is no such thing as mental health. Either you are crazy or lazy, hey that rhymes.

I was pretty much deemed both.

Mostly, lazy but then there is a solution for that in our society for as well. Get married! Tada! Because when you are married it fixes everything! And anything.

It shouldn't come as a surprise that I obviously despiced the marriage thing. Because I knew I couldn't do it.

Someone who can barely keep themself put together, cannot handle the responsibility of the marriage and of course I wasn't interested in anyone. I mean of course I had crushes and stuff but unlike most girls/women my age I never went as far as thinking about marriage all the time. Which was happening at that time all around me.

People were keen to get married or getting married.

And I don't know why people thought it's about time I should get married too and everytime the situation like that came along I would have the worst kind of panic attacks. I couldn't eat or drink or sleep and I had to fight and fight to make the situation go away.

But you can't win every time now, can you? Eventually, I was forced into getting engaged and I can't explain how horrible each second for me during that time was. But once got lucky enough get out of it and it was happiest day of entire life. Well just for me of course. Everyone around me was pretty bumped but I was selfish because I got out of it.

And the worst part of the whole thing that bugged me was that guy was honestly horrible. He called me fat and then his family came around to inspect me like a cattle because my family told them I wasn't fat. What a wonderful thing to your child. Really helped my self esteem.

He couldn't even spell aunty right. Yeah he wrote 'unty' and apparently his parents bragged he went and study in Australia. So, if Australians wrote aunty like that, then I suppose I was being a little judgy.

Anyhow, I was so relieved. It was like I could breathe again. But obviously it wasn't the end of it.

Things like that don't don't just end for people in our society. Situations like that kept happening and my parents was getting desperate at this point because duh! I was growing old and who would marry an old girl even when like they 10 years older her.

During the period of my engagement my mental health was at its worse and it was getting worse everyday. I was constantly having panic attacks and one day out pity I was finally taken to the doctor not a psychologist or psychiatrist but just a normal doctor.

Lucky for me that guy prescribed a magical pill which fixed everything, for a while and I loved it. The minute I would take that pill everything would become normal. I would even stopped caring about the engagement thing till that pill lasted.

I didn't know at first what it was but then I figured it out and I would go out buy shit ton of them because it fixed things for a while.

In short I was addicted to vallium and then I found out there are other pills like that such as Xanax and plenty of other and as long as I had money no one cared who they selling these pills too and it wasn't like I was buying them from some shady person. I was actually buying them from legit pharmaceutical shops.

So, whenever situations like those came around or at that any other point I faced problems I would take those pills but then I realized that eventually that they stopped working so I increased the doses for them to work and the doses increased and increased. At one point I was taking a box each day just for a moment of calm. And years went by and so did the amount of pills I was literally throwing my whole month of salary on them.

Then my family finally noticed that something was off because I never had money and I wasn't exactly

buying anything so where was the money going? Also I was sleeping a lot and starting to forget things which was pretty out character for me.

I was confronted and given an ultimatum. So, for a week or more I think I didn't take any pills but then I was taking them for years now and you are not supposed to suddenly stop them. But I didn't know that at that time.

And that was my first attempt to kill myself. But then things happen, bad things, and they kept happening and happening. Finally came a point where no one was to stop me from taking pills or trying to kill myself.

By then I had committed multiple attempts to kill myself. I was self harming long before that but after that it had gotten much worse. And my last attempt was this year but instead of dying I went into a seizure which lasted 48 hours and even after that I wasn't able move my tounge properly and certain part of my body for a month.

That was the first time I was scared of suicide. Because I was not able to do anything on my own. I bit tounge so hard that it bled and broke a teeth. It worse than dying.

I was finally taken to the hospital and a real psychiatrist who finally diagnosed me with my illness.

Yet still, some people think I make things up because I did them in the past but that shit was real and anyone who say I act crazy to get attention, then I swear to you that you wouldn't wish that condition on your worst enemy.

Talking about all this wasn't to let my heart out or anything. I just want to tell you and anyone who understands to realise that mental illness is very very real and it's a nightmare that doesn't go away. That only problem it is not visible like other diseases. It's just like having a cancer but imagine you can't see that cancer.

And being suicidal is not a joke, no one wants to end their lives on purpose. Everyone wants to live.

But just think for a moment from prespective of the person that their brain had been through enough that it thought that life is not worth living anymore. And if it's a sin then they are ready to go to hell because imagine life being worse than hell.

I know this is already a really long post but I needed to bring this up because recently I was having conversation with colleagues about what we should about suicide awareness month and I was like maybe make post to empathize with people who go through this horrible rough path but my colleagues suggested that they should put this religious script which says that anyone commits suicide will never be forgiven and will forever be in hell.

And this was coming from the person who doesn't pray at all. I was like what about you? I wasn't judging him. I was like so you won't go to hell and be there forever?

And he was like I will be forgiven but people who commits suicide they will not be. And he was so confident that he even said that you will see on the day of judgment that people who didn't pray will be eventually forgiven but there is no way for people who had committed suicide to be forgiven.

And I was like okay, wow! Because there is literally no point with arguing or trying to make people like them understand because they won't. And I know many, actually forget many but most people would agree with him. Because they don't even accept mental illness as illness at all and if you are sad/depressed you must not be praying or need to pray more.

But, I pray for those ignorants who make fun of mental illness and suicide and call it attention seekers or actors when it is desperate cry for help.

[winchesterdesire]

Realisation

Part 8 of Done Waiting

Pairings: Dean x reader

Characters: Dean, Sam, Jimmy Novak/Castiel, Reader

Warnings: angst? Again. Sorry, but not!

Summary: The Winchester’s find out who James is and more than they bargained for. Is the reader ok?

Tags: @dunne31

Authors note: Sorry this took longer than normal and it’s shortness. Life keeps happening. Weird I know. Life? Whats that? When I say life I mean my dead ass job. Anyway, sorry again. And enjoy.

…………………………………..

[still Dean’s POV]

Sam shoved me out the way.

I stood panting to the side and James lurched forward off the wall clutching his throat. Sheesh the guy needed to relax. I barely touched him.

Sam being his annoying self was staring at me with a judgy face. I avoided his gaze, rolling my eyes and scuffed my feet,

“What?”

Sam didn’t answer me, instead he walked over to James,

“Are you alright?”

James shot me a glare which I returned.

“Im fine. I think. No thanks to your brother. Crazy!”

Sam pulled a face and moved away from James. Looking him over. Seemingly satisfied with whatever the hell he had found, he turned his judge face onto James. I joined him. James glanced between the two of us as he got his breath back and stood,

“What? You think I’m not who I say I am too?”

Sam shrugged,

“I don’t know. Are you? Who you say you are?”

“Of course I am!”

“See, like Dean, I’m having a hard time believing you. Your name rings a bell and we can’t place where. Which in our books means something is up. And when that happens it’s never good. So no, I don’t think my brother is crazy. I think you need to start talking.”

I glanced over at Sam impressed. He could be intimidating. I pulled myself to my full height, crossing my arms and raised an eyebrow at James looking at him expectantly. Sam’s face was drawn in a firm line. Unmoving.

James looked between us like we were crazy backing up against the wall.

“Look I don’t know what’s going on here, but you two obviously have some insane idea that…”

Sam stepped forward, drawing level with me. I felt the icy hostility roll off him and I could only imagine what James was seeing, with the both of us cornering him.

“That what? We might be right?”

The sound of the door openening caught my attention then. I closed my eyes frustrated. This was no time for a fussy nurse. When there failed to be any following footsteps I slowly turned opening my eyes. The nurse was standing in the door way surveying the scene suspiciously. His hand was still on the door handle. I stepped towards him about to tell him to get lost when he spoke first.

“I.. I just came to find Mr Novak. He should be resting.“ He glanced behind us at James who hadn’t seemed to have responded to the situation. His eyes moved to me as I straightened up, “What’s going on here?”

Sam responded first. Smart ass. He breezed past me in FBI mode, taking the door handle and leading the nurse out of the room,

“FBI business. Just a few routine questions. Mr Novak found us and was anxious to tell us his side of the story. We were about to tell him there was plenty of time for that and he needed his rest first, as you suggested. We will make sure he gets it.”

I didn’t miss the double meaning in Sam’s last words. I couldn’t help but smirk a little. I caught the nurse looking at me and I quickly lost the smirk, schooling my face in a stern way. I nodded briskly at him and he disappeared as the door closed on him. Sam threw a glance my way. I knew what he was thinking that was way too damn close. We had to get James out to somewhere more private where we could question him.

We turned back to James who was just standing there. He seemed lost and I clicked my fingers in front of his face, when a soft ringing began sounding in my ears. I moved my head as it became uncomfortable, trying to ignore it. James hadn’t even flinched. I shared an irritated glance with Sammy.

“We’re going to go somewhere quieter and you can start talking. Come on.”

Sam walked back to the door and I half turned. Only to see James still stood frozen to the spot, staring into nothing. I frowned,

“Don’t make this difficult”

James still didn’t respond and the ringing I had been trying to ignore grew louder. I rubbed my ear, hoping it was just one of those things, but it didn’t help. I shook my head and walked towards James, I shoved his shoulder. He was like a statue, he didn’t budge at all. I threw a look at Sammy who was rubbing his temples. Could he hear the noise too?

I winced as it began to reach a piercing pitch. What the hell was it? A machine gone wrong? Was it Y/N? My heart clenched at that and I quickly glanced around the hospital room but everything seemed to be fine. My teeth gritted together and I squeezed my eyes shut trying to rid the noise. It was awful. It cut through me, becoming almost unbearable. I clamped my hands to my ears and managed to peek through my eye lids. Sam was doing the same and the ground felt like it was shaking slightly. What the hell?! I glanced towards James and he still looked frozen to the spot. His eyes wide open. How could he bear it? What was it?

The ringing reached shattering levels. The lights casing shattered and the room was definitely shaking and shuddering now. Was the whole hospital experiencing this? I fell to my knees. Was Y/N ok? Was Sammy ok? I managed to squint towards him, he too was on the floor trying to block out the sound. I glanced to Y/N but she was still out cold. What was happening?!

“Yes”

I squinted back up at James. What? I could barely make out he had said anything but he had. Hadn’t he? He said yes? Had he only just answered us? What the hell did he mean by that anyhow? My thoughts were cut short as a weird gust of air erupted out of nowhere. I felt it tugging on me like a strong force. I tried to keep my eyes open against it. James was just standing there. What the hell?

I tried to stand, my knees shaking at the effort as I couldn’t bring my hands away from my ears out of fear of going deaf.

I was barely standing, when a bright light suddenly erupted into the room and I couldn’t take it anymore. It was blinding. I squeezed my eyes shut against it and held my hands firmer over my ears.

Then it was gone.

Silence.

The air was still and the light had died down.

I slowly opened my eyes and peeled my hands away from my ears. I glanced to Sam. He was getting to his feet and I shook my head as I followed suite, glad he was ok. Y/N was still lying unconcious. But what the hell had just happened? I didn’t know if it was an after effect of the ringing but it sounded like there were several alarms going off around the hospital. Sam gave me a concerned look and I nodded in response.

I looked back at James. He was still standing where he had been. But he seemed… different.

He no longer looked scared. He looked calm and collected. He was standing up straighter and seemed to be… surveying us? I threw a glance Sam’s way and he nodded at me. We took a step back together. James tilted his head at us, confusion flitting across his features.

“Sam.. Dean..”

Sam caught my attention. His hands motioning for us to move. I nodded subtly, hoping James or whoever he was wouldn’t notice. Me and Sam moved together, jumping forward to tackle James.

James reached out his hands and my world toppled.

Images and memories flooded my mind. An entire experience was flashing through my head as weird blanks were suddenly filled I didn’t even know where there. 9 years of my life suddenly slotted into place and murky, half remembered dreams became clear reality. Me, y/n, Sam and…. Cas. Castiel. How had I forgotten him? How had we all forgotten him? This was insane. No wonder Y/N had felt drawn to him as James. Jimmy. But wait, it had seemed like something more, hadn’t it? Was there something between y/n and Cas? Wait, I had 9 years to sift through and this was what was at the forefront of my mind?! What was wrong with me?

I shook my head trying to clear it. James… I mean Cas, was standing looking us over. I still couldn’t find my voice.

“Dean.. please understand….”

The last few months suddenly crashed back into my head. What the hell had happened? We’d been working a case and then boom. Cas was gone, Jimmy in his stead and none of us with any idea how we had gotten ourselves in the middle of New York. Sam and I had not even paid James the least bit of attention and somehow thought we had a demon to hunt down and left. James must have thought he was on trip or something. I don’t know. But we forgot who Cas was. As if he had never existed. I remembered everything except the reason why Cas would take our memories in the first place. I felt something nagging at the back of my mind. Dammit. He hadn’t given everything back then. Now I was aware of the mind swipe though it was grating. I gritted my teeth and stared at Cas. Something had happened and he was going to give me answers. First though he could sure as hell heal Y/N. I’d closed my eyes at some point, so I opened them to glare at Cas. He seemed to shrink back at my look. Though I couldn’t be sure.

“No, you understand. First you will heal y/n or so help me I will…..” I shook myself before continuing, “second you will explain everything. I mean everything. The memory wipe, the still blocked memories… and then..” I stepped closer to him, eyeing him making sure he knew I was serious, “you can lose my number”

“Dean”

“I don’t want to hear it”

Cas looked like he paled. I stepped back, too angry to deal with him right now. He had no right taking our memories like that. I sat down at the bed in the provided chair and took Y/N’s hand in mine. Sam was off to the side somewhere probably giving me one of his annoying looks. When there wasn’t any movement I looked up. Cas was still standing there looking dejected at me. I practically growled at him,

“So heal her”

Cas pressed his mouth together in a thin line but walked forward his hand resting on Y/N’s forehead. A small glow came from his hand and colour flooded y/n’s cheeks. A sound escaped me, I don’t even know what it was, but I don’t care. I was too relieved. I grasped her hand tighter and brought it to my lips. Pressing kiss after kiss on her knuckles, glad she was ok. She took a deep breath and shifted. My entire body released most of the tension it was holding and I felt weak. Sam’s voice reached my ears,

“Is she going to be alright now?”

“Yes. I’ve healed the damage done. She just needs rest now and should wake up in the next day or so.”

“Thank you Cas”

I raised my head but didn’t look around.

“You can leave now”

Silence followed my words and I turned my head annoyed.

Cas stood awkwardly looking at me.

“Do you not want me to explain?”

I gritted my teeth. Of course I did but right now if I got angry I don’t know.. I just wanted to look after y/n. And if Cas didn’t get out of my sight soon…

“When I want your dumb ass excuses I’ll ask for them”

Silence followed again, neither of us backing down in our stares. Sam cleared his throat and ushered Cas out the room. Leaving me and y/n alone. I hung my head. I’m sure he did have a good reason, but I couldn’t help but feel if he had been with us instead of…. he could have prevented y/n from getting hurt in the first place and there was still that annoying thought that he and her might have something I hadn’t been aware of. Dammit. Why did I do this?

Sam came back in then and I got snapped out of my thoughts. He was looking at me weirdly. Again. I huffed and stood,

“Let’s get her back to the bunker”

Sam looked like he was about to disagree. I really couldn’t be bothered to argue with him. Something in my face must have shown that as he stopped himself and just nodded grimly. We moved together. I scooped y/n up in my arms, gently removing the wires coming off of her and wrapped her in the soft blanket that had sat at the end of her bed. Sam was already at the door, looking about to check the coast was clear.

We reached the Impala without much trouble. Sam had to do some FBI magic with one doctor when she wouldn’t immediately step aside. Other than that.

I gently lay y/n on the backseat. Making sure she wouldn’t slide. She seemed to be taking more breaths now which eased the disquiet inside me slightly. Sam watched me from a distance but I didnt let him get to me. I drove back to the bunker as fast as I could, without throwing the car around.

Sam helped me take y/n to her room. I drew up a chair and like at the hospital sat with my hand in hers. Willing her to wake up.

I don’t know how long I sat there. Watching, waiting. Sam came and went and I barely registered him. I think he asked me if I was ok several times. I know he put some food next to me at one point. I only had eyes for y/n.

As I sat, thoughts flittered and jostled through my mind. Questions that needed answers, feelings left unsaid, unexplored. Feelings I hadn’t even let myself admit. I stared at y/n tracing her features in my minds eye. I’d never realised how beautiful she was until now. No not beautiful, breathtakingly stunning. Did I really just think those words? God, she was turning me into such a sap and she didn’t even know. How could someone hold so much sway over me? I never thought I could care so much. It had always just been me and Sammy. I had to protect him. That was my job. And then Cas who became more than just some angel. But y/n? She had somehow wedged herself into our lives and I couldn’t, didn’t want to ever lose her, not even for one minute and this? Her in this semi-coma? Was not acceptable. It was my fault. I failed to protect her. I should have done more. There must have been something I could have done differently. The longer y/n lay there without any sign of waking, the more I blamed myself and Cas. It was partly his fault and his stupid vessels fault. I dismissed the thoughts, them only making me angry. I had to be with it when y/n woke. I wouldn’t let her down..not again.

It felt like forever, I swear it had been. I had only left the room when I needed a piss. I was always as quick as I could be. Sam had suggested calling Cas at one point when he voiced his own concern that y/n hadn’t wokem up yet. I refused but now… I was deliberating it. I squeezed her hand in mine hoping she would feel it and wake up. She didn’t. I looked down, hanging my head. Maybe Sam was right, we needed Cas, no matter my stubborn ass. I was about to get up but my thoughts were distracted when I felt a squeeze on my hand. My heart clenched. Could it be? Was she? I looked up, my heart stopping as I found I was gazing into her beautiful y/e/c eyes.

…………………………..

[peterwilliamrandall-blog]

RACE YOU TO THE END

(Page 2) 

RACE YOU TO THE END.

Zap fluid

Tattooied

Cape

Escapalar

Just come round

[]

Feliceline

Certitude

(Page 3)

I was not over there and I am home, to think of lying

Writing.

All is bare.

Here no change or clean for weeks, ashamed

Of my death drinking, no bush beating futilise meeting

To save life, when the lollipop Ludy is in more of a

Perils a swinger than the shore.

I stand up for the lost and the lonely.

Listen to not be lonely when

Lost, it can comfort, and it

Can provide love lost.

But not console in.

I feel sick. Everyone is thinking

Why does this bloke not just fuck off.

Like that treacle moose

Banger stranger

Hanging on tight

With the compose

Closed.

Doing it again

I must want to go.

I'm tired.

Piss-take

Masquerade.

In the night there's a star

Spaces few and far

And shining in the light.

Lean across the sky.

My demon.

The exile

Why be so superficial,

Ask how human unbecomes

Kings to see trees

Branch-leaf, clouds

All against togetherness

Why where I want now.

Uni-disconcern.

Fuck Fuck (sake) so easily ignored

If moodily read even this (excuse arrogant GH)

Elexus flunk grab town

And haunt demonic rumours

Above dusty old worlds

Listen to me all toward

A life that I can

(Page 4)

Afford.

A suck shock tight cock sick every night.

(Page 5) 

Mincy fincey partwork and Mrs Rante can I go in your ship or)

lit a roll ran out of fags, got some killer so timeless litters the sense

or says courage is asking what am I doing here. Cushion, plate, lighter, fuel,

crackles in Gaza lesser morgue the radio queen again submit to have to make

critical list of the unwell and rubbish straight in at once. Mungo, Mary, Midge

more to confused be and more sensitive to refuse to the purpose of a man is to

love his woman and the purpose ofr a woman is to love her man. Agreeable

countenance is illustrious disasters in decision.

This year of suspenders, a garter, used up protection to be this

repulsed by day and night must have taken some slavish design. You are

not a cause, it causes you and are have the wreckage zoomed across the waves

I miss it but am aware of the foul consequence.

In their faces, voices, a caution of a tale I tell young pretty as ever be

lipstick, heels, Mick oni and heroin. rqbble with the rabble. Jim'll fix it

and he did twenty one and gone to be a celebrity in deadland auntie certain

suspects Alexkiss cross end round and round and aint royalty by lay or andalooseya

When care abundance greed vantage stealer, other things that life'll

kill ya.

No bones about its drug addict is the admiral compass conflict the original

all day sunday echoes, why are we not here with them. Dont even start

me on Monday in the case of inconsequence you find that guilt in a delay

a negligée one say one two many looks too true you toot, chop chop!

secret agent codename I am on story's of buses gloves cutlass tunnels disbelief

what was more was a glimpse of January 2010 its laast week, the premise

delerious. Then I always find out they dont understand about. Yet there is one

that can and it three times shade the Monday's mood. From anywhere in

the world sky, sea, earth fast as real.

that inception had a just thing for memo wolfe death

is in when you can't get out and you can fight I don't know what

happens if you give up in that place. Give up to get there Fuck that I

cant make a report. So everyone fuck off, death guaranteed.

 (Page 6)

A suck shock tight cock sick every night.

How much.

I really wonder. For.

you and there's me.

Chicoola

Ngichlela ngo tando

Niacula Kelengi lungu

Nthando luyaboga

Jikele Kulombluba wethu

 Left at that now

shall I cash in on my memories

I decided to a long time ago. ago

that is why

I have lived in a style

arty nemo starts from how I

where I, what I, it and so,

and then all the more, unbrace, trance

Tracy, then after the dance has gone.

Accordian go gringo, hombre, Bruv, Geez,

Thingy, An all that, if you are

Cark from Kryptonyour name sir cant even

even. greese fifteen, cobra car, the

blind eveal to fits of secret nits must be

another sight.

Fate Bastard, orphan or vicious chance, lapse cruise.

 The use of alcohol and drugs

or the bond of lovebound for the coast

of the last moment if you can realise. When

that was

Grand and the deathspear is

someaside!

Tapdance to this struggle

lift from that desperate to the beauty

of course its ageless

I am in disgrace.

Still live with truth

No breaks in the sequence, I want

to accept my apologies

Nuck For you!

 (Page 8)

What a widow handgun, see it repeat giveback. To charity that blaze

is only for teen, age is a ripped up early photograph of

Charles Pierre, guess I guess, Decisions and Banished bloodshot

eyes in fights and then what smoking and ravy swallow that

cheap old gravy. Fight for what you don't know about, don't

happen no more. Its a knockout.

No lost come there- where is that if you are in,

sight do trades in, panic and solving convertthat art that ain't it.

Grease the rope stake therfor who needs rejection,

this life is straight up gone, where

no-one knows.

The howl, evil flowers athe edge

A phony pinch on charles that said ham.sick of then, that.Confusion is the wisdom

we generally offer children to study.

You fucking fucker horrid arseholes.someone can have a say.

I'm well into my friend changing them.

Try to show off with a galloping Gee-Whizz.A musical say, say,

is interest cool, warm or

boiling hot, I dare to say that I do not

give up, on friends, loves, legends

scupper the timbre, class is out, in

Broke and scuppered and bucketing.

Under and in.

In a cruise age

glue, blew

it hurt the one armed

Bandit. Toby Chang.

Must be listening to

Someone watching Resevoir Dogs

No disrespect,

but what a fucking lot of shoot

this piece of shit and cough

up some green

vocabulary.

 While I mean wayany rector

you cheap steal of a catapilla

what! slugs and slugs

The purpose of a man is to love his woman

And the purpose of a woman is to love her man

[IAM DYEING]

 (Page 9)

I have made the grievous mistake

of thought that blazoned paper

is my answer.

What - keep control, do not

Fuck yourself, even that you become

sure its my fault. Come be, what

is the sunrise, the moon fades,

The seas do not rise no

speck smashes this earth into

not being cool.

The odds on that.

If you did not understand

a speck of dust, A incalculable

as has the size never been thought.

At more millions of miles per second,

lets just say it was half. Tell me, I told you

They said I can't help it.

Just by chance

They went to the neighbourhood dance

to be all young and lady

lary is ugly, used, old.

Lary is funny to avoid

as long as you do.

Assault Pike, giraffe.

\Cohorts, dolce vita

Downtown screwed on a bench

piping, people passing

Blinding.

Cancell the too nervous assassin

Ten Silk Cut on the way back.

Although

Lucky Strike

might

do the trick.

 (Page 10)

A fight with death.

The first that I remember, I will describe as

Being paralysed .. in a dark room a floor down from where

I should be calling for help and [moirne] cowing for

A long time. I was scared angry and would have given

Anything that I did not have for someone to lift me

Out of there. More than a day in intense discomfort and

Despair – why could I not get out of there.

WORLD NEWS new years eve 2010 – The murder of a

Beautiful young girl early twenties. Strangled and dumped.

Against that nothing really abates my, and sure I,

Evidence of disbelieve, then more killing and rape

Around the world, floods, and sadness. But it’s

Alright they played games with balls without balls.

Oh how fucking sick am I. *

Cannot one take the hint –

Novice – The trajectory of this existence.

FUCKED.

Well and true. Could be any day now. We are

A race about to cross the line. Chequered flag

And past.

Why wait.

No excuses

Forgiveness

Un.

Calm as far too far and far too later

Than warned. Hamas up.

Black magic while if you can even

Rival a home of monstrous

Symbols. I’ll watch that

Filthy canal and waited. Gonna

Be cathartic. Cure abandoned by

It is my weight and Peter my

Mine how it justices. You

Did bring catastrophe. And I

Do not know fucking fuck cunting

Why. Eccentric Rakcer silence

Changes [burne]. You will be aware

Of the tidal magic. You careless

Chucked and kalashnikoved my world.

If I am mad kill me.

 Suicidal unhappiness desperate yes OK and misfortune then since ever cat as trophy

kerchief

  (Page 11)

I KONFRONTED THE ACCUSED WITH MY GAZE AGAINST ALL THE WORLD WILD MANIAC.

OLD GIT, UNFIT.

And very well

At illness

COUNTER

(drawing)

  (Page 12)

CRAP CHAPTER TALKING SHIT

 TO ALWE and of all the emotions more bold than have ever before

fought like fuck to hold on and for my life as close as the

dead of night when you wake up alone silence scary

how to feel as nearest and sick and ask your destruction

to take hold and answer bleak grim and cruelly shake

eyes on a ceiling nowhere to look. Cold no money

police addition regret cripple. Wait. A while hurt will

be fresh being prolific adulterer if hurt with

others in contortion.hurt with this time that one

Always a push toward the courage I want.

To show away is still here and was always

anyhow.

Nonsense is there. In every window street

sky person screen communication, words the whole

shebang.

If it were not for one other. And he

knows. I could be that I am not sure.

Unsure could come enough times to be so.

To be some authority or disappointment. My failures

are described as spectacular.. Thing is I like that kind of idiot.

Aspire to Olympianic hero. set

sail.Tell a beautiful story. music to

live to.

Or sit hunched, abusing poison corrupt and pollute every part of me and the time

I strangle - continue to demonstrate with

expertise being an arsehole.

The swagger staggering of the non-one-hit.

blunder.

"But he's really talented" - fuck off.

or we can shoot acid, crack heroin

have pills valium ecstasy any fucking thing there is,

drink a couple of bottles of cheap vodka

But, smoke some weed and chill.

A smashing day in, in your your flea infested

forget not to eat anything. Fortnight of

that and if the magic carpet carpet can't come.

This time will be that and that's that.

you fucking moron, moron me not any other moron.

Brief description as I am vain. Maloderous

skeletal schock of distress. Continual vomiting - flem

machine. That which I consider sane and joining in

daily or night time actions - discussions etc,

others, in fact everyone I have a contact with

considers repulsive anti-social and go as far

as to mention a kind of insanity that as

far as to be concerned could be the secret

agents of one or another afterlife.

Confirmed

when claims of previous acts so peculiar and

that I have no memory or hint of recognition

of their look name or outlandish tales. All

leads me to stick to my layout of events

Years are a confusion. And I can defend

my slight lapses of memory to age and

very hard and stressful work.

I can remember a couple of things, but live

in the moment, then the next one. Why care

making effort to memorise when you are getting on with it?

   (Page 13)

Lets get at it from the pink panter pantin pink

My krum[] Im dark I be like

Wight. [] Bachs harmonys if I

Am mistaken the nature of Nienval Here

Together ever aware surier is that puer

At you + AVE, T, Geronimo fact old

Compassion I met romance I got love on me looking

out how can [] to be lured is all. Without

call imagined I love and be loved I laugh I

[]

Is to have all fear disappear the worry

The shape of the world and to be that

Hard cumid like no not love to know who

Woman is because then I could really be

The wall spreed brokos would put thain

Shirt on it. No exchange can bargain

In every gang in misunderstanding of the word

Blame mistrust

And they assumed me that I

Am a multimillionaire but they were that

Empty armchair.

Still, but that’s all aside you could try

To convince me that I have a Saturday

Night fever and the man with a golden gun is a kaleidoscope of

Gens looking at me was violin

Music.

I must amount a charge

Cut my path the say shit

Fluid.

Lattrapid yet reputed, for

Skullduggery, not lit but well

Bugger me

The eraze the age of

Me.

Curiosity

Egyptian in a gunpowder

What’s to say

Then was ever

And no invention.

  (Page 14)

And I have to stay alive. The most simple,

Can even enjoy. For me this is a day to day I don’t

Want to. I’m not to write here about. I’m afraid

Sad .. to be called Frank or Ernie or just a drunk

Heroin crackhead. Delight hard open wicket there,

Balls remain. I gonna run. Or I ran. The rent

Run risk rough ripped rhode Londron, relic, rash

Rubbish.

I am glad to say I am as ill today as ever

Has before. Quite accomplished solutions intrude the

Bloodstream. Crooks and nanny aside I would not

Abide to fee fy falsify in certain terms, there is not

Motivation or need, my reputation a guarantee. Worth

Both make and believe.

And icy reflection patterns this room

In a late early new year blank laziness for

Uniform.

The where I have not the, exactly

Is what I cannot say. I would sleep fortune.

A life away .. Dishonesty weakly needless

Declare my passion the destiny. Then the glorious

And victory erased from language. Imprisonragbe

My sure staff wags crackling.

Discountry is dissinisterly

Endured it’s nare the creep creeping

Upon me, tired so tired. It begins to engage

Agree. Would be so easy. No more of that

Or of then and though and more so  no more

Of this.

Discomfort I adore, sickness I make certain

Sure.

Accidents the luxurious claim of

Innocents, fact follow the accidentee with a brief

Study of past actions, the ban of acts or act

In not too far future will I doubt fail to unveil

That word accident came by stumble spill ink of

Most likely a greed to gain advantage of

Someones misfortune. Insurance a very chance relies

On accidentalance.

To why limit snap grot and furniture

Of nonsense. To waste time to fulfil a space to

Be over so a despond errant in my way.

That I will so called exist

There afar Gulliver, Crusoe, Hyde and Oliver  I

Do not fear to relive my beautiful friends.

Catechism the word got rhythm, and you, make you and it

Rhymes with prison.

I can feel a mission coming into vision

Like dream for a religion I was living I was

Dying and soul I will revive the life

And try to describe as well as I can when

Fighting to survive to stay alive.

That’s later

I going to Gunter Grove – coming.

 (another page)

I ain´t gonna make it. A reprise

Knew I was seirxing act dizguise. It was

Already no realise. Come that time that

art my life. The chat I-chat in mind

is it cause I could not replicate

The lives of the money makers

fame equalcors - so I had

to make my own original sound

That made me as the song says

Bohemian trinketá.

A required taste.

Drugs and boozer - loser

Refuse.

A guide on how to fail

And fuck the ass out

of how to lose

Because its real

Will be thirty pence

and second hand

Then used to wipe

The Ass Baboon.

What if it went the other way

And no more reborn; acknowledged

As past and future G. Yeah

Boy that rack everest need

A machine the size of God.

All ThEM BLOOD Red Painted

Wolfcitys. MAYhem is PEACE

AND education becomes

what it needs to be

Emotion, respect, love

Learning Lyric´fuckin´ly

Are you gettin me

Not from no ghetto

And thats not how I speak

All school should be to

a Killer beat.

The gift of posture

very thgm, energy.